The Gargle - Vagina chip | Spider robots | Diarrhoea AI

Episode Date: December 16, 2022

Alison Spittle and debutant Hayley Ellis join host Alice Fraser for episode 92 of The Gargle, the weekly topical comedy podcast - with no politics! {()} Vagina on a chip🕷 Sewer spider robots��� AI diarrhoea detector🛰 Photobombing satellite 🎅🏻 ReviewsProduced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner.TEAM BUGLE PODCASTS 📯Catharsis (and Tiny Revolutions) with Tiff StevensonTop Stories!The BugleThe Last Post with Alice FraserThe Bugle Ashes UrncastBush's Board Game Thing Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com This is a podcast from The Bugle. later with the local garage manager, who is a rabbit. Mrs Titmouse hangs her laundry out, shooing Matron Lily at a gang of river weasels who want to see if she's really a mouse with tits. In the shadows of the hollow tree, the evil wizard sits, rubbing his long hands together and cackling to his henchman raven in a barely-coded anti-Semitic caricature. Ah, he says, the peaceful glen of little creatures, their happiness makes me sick, but soon their happiness will be ruined like a picnic in the rain, or to be fair, any picnic, no matter what the weather.

Who decided eating a meringue among the ants was a good idea? I'll wreck their domestic peace, and then they'll be sorry. Ah, what's your plan, master? Crows the feathery sycophant, who I should make an effort to clarify, is not a crow but a raven, but ravens can crow too, but not vice versa. Ah, Mr. Crow, we begin with The Gargle, the sonic glossy magazine to the Bugle's audio newspaper for a visual world. This is The Gargle.

I am your host, Alice Frazier. Your guest editors for this week's edition of the podcast are Hayley Ellis and Alison Spittel. Welcome. Hello, guys. How are you, Alison? I'm good. I'm good.

I'm looking forward to Christmas. What else am I up to? I've tried chili oil. Just sitting around looking forward to Christmas. Yeah. Chili oil, did you say? Yeah, yeah, I've tried chili oil on boiled eggs. It's an absolute revelation.

Genuinely. Incredible, so it is. I wouldn't have put that combination together, but it does sound good. Oh, it just, you know, I like egg. I wouldn't have put that combination together, but it does sound good. Oh, it just, you know, I like egg. You can't beat an egg, but adding a bit of spice. Well, you can, because then you get scrambled eggs, don't you? I mean, that's true.

Before we take hands and sync our periods together for this week's top stories, let's have a look at the front cover of the magazine. top stories. Let's have a look at the front cover of the magazine. The front cover this week is Taylor Swift celebrating her birthday this week and the fact that she's the only person powerful enough to really have a go at ticker tech. Any Swifties in the room? No, I'm not really a Swifty, but I am aware of her power. You know what I mean? She's like a black hole. I wouldn't say I'm a personal fan but I'm in awe of her. Hayley, do you play any Taylor Swift?

I do when it comes on Shuffle. I will play that and I'll have a little boogie. How old is she then? How old is she? Still in her early 20s? Forever. Forever in her early 20s.

She's like deaf becomes her, isn't she? She just doesn't age. Yeah, you don't age by acting like a 14 year old romantically that's how you keep yourself young that's why men age really well you think things of like girl code and stuff like that the satirical cartoon this week is sam bankman freed drinking game where you have to take a drink every time he does a cringe millennialism to try and talk his way out of being jailed for massive fraud. Sorry, guys, my f*** up is what he said to Congress apparently. Time for our top story.

Our top story this week is an exciting one, bioengineering news. This is the news that not only can you have your favorite treat of vagina on chips, scientists have created a vagina on a chip. Alison Spittel, can you unpack this story for us? Genuinely very excited about this because I'm listening to this audio book about the vagina and it was said, they said in the book that like there's not much research on the vagina vagina people are quite squeamish about it so it's made me very excited that finally scientists have been studying this is like where they get a microbiome so you know the way uh if anyone is familiar with vaginas

i've heard of them yeah they're quite biomey and then these scientists have done uh studies on the liver and the intestines and they work with biomes and uh it's a great way like basically they're going to find the cure for a bacteria vaginosis which i thought sounded like a harry potter spell to be honest with you if you don't know what uh bacterial vaginosis is, it is the thing that's responsible for the stereotype of the fishy vagina. It's the one that's one of the symptoms is a fishy smell. So they'll be able to test medications on this chip vagina. Ironic, isn't it? Fish and chips.

Oh, God. Apparently, many women are not willing to volunteer their vaginas for experimental biome situations. Let me introduce some bacteria into your vagina and see what happens. I've heard that chat rhyme a few times. I think it's wonderful that we can celebrate this new leap forward in medical technology and the power of the vagina. I have hope for the next generation.

This evening as I was having a shower because my daughter had vomited on me, she, at the age of one, pointed at my vagina and went, rah, lion. So, you know, feminism. Or she's a bitchy gay. Like those are the options. She's get a wax sister i kind of want to know how i can donate my vagina to science though it seems like a like a like a good thing to do for for the world and like um do you ever get this right where sometimes i feel like my vagina is being stabbed for no reason.

Like, it'll just stop me. I'm doing the washing up and I'll feel like a stabbing kind of pain. And I think about it like, you know when your ears are burning when someone's talking about you? I'm like, what is this person doing? An ex. Yeah. With a little doll. is this person doing an ex yeah with a little doll i've always thought that was just my vagina going off and doing their own business and having a seance or something she's got vendetta does i

know nothing about i think this chip though if it's it's gonna do um sort of work out what the vaginosis is because i think i've been doing my bit for that anyway by wearing really tight knickers on hot days and using perfume soaps so I've been doing my bit for research have you been using but did you ever use like that the specialist kind of um what did I call it that kind of vaginal it's a vaginal or like some sort of special vagina soap and I could never afford it when I was a teenager. I definitely probably would have. Like I couldn't afford special vagina soap the way I couldn't afford juicy tube lip gloss.

I always thought this was for richer teenagers who had a better hygiene routine than me. Now when you get older, you realize that these vagina soaps don't work at all. In fact, they're bad for you. Yeah. People won't be told, despite the fact that we've been being told for like, genuinely decades that you shouldn't put a douche in your vagina. People still keep sleeping with tech bros. I do not understand. Your ad section now because you can't be what you can't buy.

Do you have a factory but you don't want to pay your workers? Would you rather not get on the bad side of robots? Is it upsetting when people see your slaves looking miserable and beaten down and say horrible things like, don't have slaves? Nobody says that about elves. The cold weather oompa loompa elves live for thousands of years and will report to you about the morality of children. And even if everybody knows you run an elf factory,

they just assume it makes you jolly. Elves, the front-facing slaves. They're rosy cheeks. Yeah, rosy cheeks sort of overcomes... I mean, it can't be considered a human rights abuse if they're not human, can it? The bottom of the ocean. The dark. Death.

Humans have always been afraid of the unknown. So why not make your gifts more terrifying this Christmas with wrapping paper? What's that under the tree? I don't know. Is that a dog riding a cat? And that? That's a shark with wheels.

And next to it, a hat. But instead of a feather, the preserved corpse of Jeremy Bentham. Who would do this? Embrace your inner mad scientist with glue. And everybody loves impressing Russians, but what if you hate the taste of vodka? Love Russians, but hate the Irish?

Stop disappointing Russians and start lying to them with half a glass of water. Half a glass of water, vodka without the Irish. Stop disappointing Russians and start lying to them with half a glass of water. Half a glass of water, vodka without the potatoes. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has Broomgate.

It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance enhancingenhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts. Everywhere. Acast.com. Now we're on to our next top story for this week. I feel like they should all be top stories because they're all top stories in my heart. This is poo news, my favorite kind of news.

The top story in poo news is the news that Japan's sewers are about to be overrun with sewer spider robots. Hayley Ellis, you seem like you're neither afraid of spiders nor of poo. Can you unpack this story? Correct. I am afraid of neither, but both of them are happening in my house. Basically, there's a robotics manufacturer in Japan, and it's revealed these sort of robotic spiders that are going to go into the sewers to fix the sewers. The sewers are prehistoric, they're ancient and they need fixing constantly, apparently. So they've invented these little robotic spiders to go in and fix them.

And they're terrifying sewer spiders, they've called them. So they've got eight little cameras around them i mean i figure they just what they did did they just sort of web over the holes and the pipes yes i assume so and then eventually they come across a radioactive poo and turn into the worst superhero it's half spider half spider poo is a film I would definitely watch. I just worry in case someone's down the sewer with a glass and they just, you know, happen to trap one, then it can't get about its work.

I used to be scared of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the sewer, but now we've got sewer poo spiders. What were you scared about of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, that they'd leap out of the toilet and cowabunga you? Yeah, because I don't actually know what their power was that's what i was scared of violence a lot of carbs yeah also it always weirded me out that there were lizards yet ace a very cheesy pizza i don't think that could go well in their digestion turtles turtles Wait a minute, they're turtles. Turtles aren't lizards. I don't know. I thought they were like lizards that are like fancily dressed. What did you think they were? Like slugs as to snails, turtles as to lizards.

Turtles aren't just lizards in a hat. Lizards in a hat. Now I'm saying this, I'm doubting myself. Maybe I've been wrong all these years. Maybe turtles aren't their own thing. I feel like turtles are like lizards in very fancy jackets, you know, like those men who wear gelées going to football and stuff. And their torsos are quite big and their arms and their legs are tiny. And they've got little bald heads.

I mean, how does it track with, like, the fact that lizards are quite zippy and fast and turtles are famously not? Have you seen those Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? They're zippy. They're running around beating the shit out of a shredder. And that guy with a weird baby in his belt. I think you're talking about Krang. In fact, I know you're talking about Krang. In fact, I know you're talking about Krang.

I always liked Krang. I've always identified as a Krang in many ways. Just sort of an angry brain in a box. But this story from Japan is really great because the spider robots have manny eyes and stuff and they look incredibly cute like i just imagined them like spot on a fatberg and they're like someone's after flushing baby wipes again you know just dragging tampons out on the little tampons and fairground goldfish

this is terrible it's exciting that they, you know, with an ageing population, you have these new technological solutions. I just worry because I feel like spiders can go in unexpected directions. You mean up the U-bend? Yeah, why not? Are you worried that one day you're going to go to the loo and there's going to be a little voyeuristic robot spider staring up your pee hole? Also, Japan's sort of social economy runs on disapproval. So if you flush something sort of unwarranted,

I worry that a little spider will, like, crawl out of the toilet and waggle a little disapproving finger at you and make you feel shame. I like the way that that's the worst thing that spider could do is come up and waggle a finger at you. Not, like, laser beam you to death or something. Let's be clear, the finger is covered in shit. Yeah! Like a

disgusting E.T. I think that's maybe the turtle's weapons was just a finger and they would point it towards people and they'd run away. Yeah, it's not their fighting skills that were intimidating. They did really smell.

They lived in a sewer, man. That's why Krang was in a little glass box. This is our next poo news story. This is the news that AI, it's not just enough that spiders are looking up your butthole. Now there are computers listening to you do poo. Unlike, this is not a Japanese story because in Japan they play soothing music so that you can avoid anyone ever knowing that you've ever done a poo. Unlike, this is not a Japanese story because in Japan they play soothing music so that you can avoid anyone ever knowing that you've ever done a poo. In this instance,

there's an AI listening to see if you have diarrhea. Hayley Ellis, you have diarrhea. Can you unpack this story for us? I'll be honest with you. I'm a little bit upset about this because this is my specialist skill, identifying when someone has diarrhea. so I'm a bit upset that IEA AI is coming in taking over what is my niche well well well before we get into unpacking the story please unpack that cryptic gnomic statement what do you mean that's your special skill I can identify if I'm in a cubicle if the person next to me does have diarrhea or not quite evidently have you never done that have you ever been in a public? No, I've never been in a public toilet. Full stop.

Do you mean by listening or like auras? Like what do you mean? Yeah, I can often sense an aura of someone with diarrhoea, mainly because it floats under the door. I've used a lot of motorway service toilets in this job and quite often there is someone next. I mean, I'll be honest, it's mainly me with the diarrho the diarrhea i'll be honest um i can identify my own uh diarrhea but yeah because ai is like it can create like the best artwork in the world now they can create like literature

and now they can identify when someone has the runs yep how do you get the go-ahead for this this person that's uh doing this experiment and is claiming that's going to help the world because you know we'll be able to identify when people have diarrhea diseases like and it's like i think they know themselves as well you don't need a microphone that's one of those things where you could rely on self-reporting. Yeah. I don't think you're going to be sat there with the floodgates open thinking, I think everything's normal. Everything's normal. I wish there was a microphone to identify what is wrong with me.

I have no idea what it is. Yeah. Yeah, it's bizarre, isn't it? But, yeah, apparently, yeah yeah like you say that it'll stop they can identify cholera and things like that maybe they could identify if you've not got enough toilet roll left that would be more helpful i mean that would be handy yeah you run out of toilet roll little spider climbs out of the toilet ducks into the next cubicle grabs you some toilet paper and then waggles its finger at you poo finger maybe you could do it like when politicians are talking it just identifies

it's like diarrhea i think it's very dangerous having a microphone in a toilet especially like public toilets because that's where i tell all of my friends my childhood trauma when they feel they're in a position that they can pee in front of me then i'm like well i gotta tell you all of my secrets then and i think this is actually just going to pick up women's secrets in the toilets with men i don't know what the i don't know what men do when they pee with each other they don't compliment each other do they no they don't talk because they're all so upset about their penises it's really funny of that is like the men one, they do identify diarrhea in the women's,

just let me identify who's having an affair at the minute. Exactly. I think Alison is onto something now. I think this is somebody who wants to know what women do together in the toilets, who's spent their whole scientific career trying to find a justification. It's to find if anyone has cholera. They've sneaked these microphones into the toilet just to see what Sharon

is saying to Beverly and realise that they all have diarrhea. Now it's time for your reviews. As you know, each week we ask our guest editors to bring in something to review out of Five Stars. Alison, what have you brought in for us today? So I've reviewed the two weeks before Christmas. I think it's called Christmas Edging. And I'm waiting for the big day to come.

I just want it to be over. The worst name for tinsel. Christmas Edging, yes. It sounds like another poo story, Alison. I bet people have used tinsel during edging. It feels like a thing that's like a bit of a roadblock sorry

I was just imagining tinsel on a penis like a disgusting tree imagine a Christmas sized tree penis a Christmas tree sized penis in the corner of your room with tins all over it i don't have to imagine uh i have i have artificial intelligence technology at my fingertips now i can

play with every dick pic i've ever received and get a cleanser to create the perfect profile picture just agglomerated peni yeah like it's just the few weeks in the lead up to it. I keep saying to myself that I will go shopping and I keep coming up with excuses not to go shopping, such as I don't want to. And it's just, I'm giving it a three out of five the weeks coming up to Christmas. Three out of five. Hayley, what have you brought in to review out of five stars?

Keeping with the Christmas theme, I would like to review regional Father Christmases because i've been to see a few father christmases the past couple of weeks with my daughter and we went to see one when we were down reading way and he spoke like ray winston and it was um both brilliant and intimidating for him to say have you been a naughty girl genuinely i'm finding that arousing i'm not even joking he was very cockney and then we also went to the elves were very northern it was a nice juxtaposition in so much so that when i came out i googled what should santa's accent actually be because i think as as a as an adult if you've got to visit these Santas the less authentic they are the more amusing it is for you as an apparent you know I like that well I mean this is the thing

children will believe anything my grandmother was our Santa I genuinely believed that Santa was a Hungarian lady with a beard and I did not make the connection for many years you visited Santa a lot then oh no she visited us on. She'd just sort of show up in our garden. You wouldn't even let her in? No, she'd sort of pass the gifts up through the window and then she wouldn't ask us to let her in because she was afraid of

us falling for stranger danger. Wow. That's a lot to unpack along with your Christmas presents there. Also, we weren't Christian, we were Buddhists. Oh, well, there you go. She was also very Jewish, a Holocaust survivor, and didn't have a strong idea of the Santa identity.

So what she made up doesn't really match the myth. And how much is that out of five? Five out of five for my enjoyment rating of a Ray Winston Santa. Now it's night sky light pollution news now. This is the news that the world's largest communication satellite has been streaking across the sky, ruining people's beautiful Instagram images of the stars. Alison Spittel, you've got stars in your eyes.

Can you unpack this story for us? Yeah, so this is the world's largest communication satellite and um it's been basically photobombing everybody's enjoyment of the night sky because people are trying to take photos of other astronomical uh entities i suppose and uh this this massive massive streak of i was gonna say i was gonna say streak of piss but a streak of white light that goes across the night sky and it's kind of ruining people's photography and and um and kind of scaring people as well it's a massive orbiting cell phone tower and it's known as a blue walker three which for me blue walker three sounds like a straight to video chuck norris

film um and it's creating both visible and invisible interference that could severely which for me, Blue Walker 3 sounds like a straight-to-video Chuck Norris film. And it's creating both visible and invisible interference that could severely hamper progress in our understanding of the cosmos. So basically, there's a big row going on. And this company that have made this, that are from Texas, for me, it's like having that Oscar selfie, you know, where all those actors took a selfie about like eight years ago and kevin spacey was in it and like a year later he got done for for crazy you're like oh it's a really good picture but kevin spacey is in it

and so they've created like a a floating photobomb i feel like that about the movie the usual suspects yeah it's a terrible thing actually we have the wrong alice for this what we want my cousin alice gorman who's a space archaeologist um who has very strong opinions archaeologist what does she dig into she was she was in in the middle of the desert in australia and she looked up at the stars and she was digging in a midden and she was like, ah, there's junk up there too. Whoa, that is freaking cool. Most of archaeology is just digging through other people's trash, right? I mean, when you put it like that, yeah.

So you think like Indiana Jones was just a bin scavenger, really, with a whip. Yes, he's a real ibis. And I don't think she ever found anything really unusual left on the moon. They've just found the remnants of the Beano or something. We have to know about all the junk because if you're sending something up, if it hits the junk, you'll explode. So actually it's quite important to map the space junk. This is just getting educational.

I apologise. Sorry. Yes. They're having a row because it's like a commercial entity and it's quite big and quite massive. And the thing about space is space is quite big and massive, but this seems to be even too big for space. Well, also, we all have a stake in the night sky.

I mean, no one wants to hold hands romantically on a beach and look up at the big coca-cola sign on the moon like just being having your your access to the beauty of the night sky ruined by a commercial enterprise like important though it may be for the future of human communication like i'd rather communicate to the person next to me about how pretty the stars are than talk to some guy in it who's going to call me a jerk. That's what weirds me out about these billionaires, these tech bros that are really interested in space

and they want to go to Mars and go to the moon. That's because you're not allowed to colonise on Earth anymore and they just want to colonise something. Come on! Yes! But the vagina, as we said in the first story the vagina is one of the most unexplored organs in the world and I think it would be great if Elon Musk put his money from exploring Mars to exploring vaginas uh even though his name is Musk

first vagina landing we'll see it soon yeah exactly I think a lot more problems would be solved if people looked less up to space and more into vaginas. And that's all the time we have for this episode of The Gargle. We're flipping through the ads at the back now at the end of the show. Hayley, have you got anything to plug? I am currently renting out my vagina for testing. I'm going on tour next year year if you'd like to come see me i would be forever grateful allison have you got anything to plug i'm going on tour next year

my show is called wet uh it's going to be in soho on the 15th and 16th of march and i'm going to be in uh leeds bristol manchester all the all the places and you can come, if you go to my Instagram I've got a link tree there that's where all my tickets are on sale don't go to alisonspittle.com I haven't updated that in a while and it's still got a Jesus faced mouse cursor so I need to make changes

I'm Alice Fraser you can find me online at at alliterative on Twitter and Instagram that's A-L-I-T-E-R-A-T-I-V-E or patreon.com slash Alice Fraser. It's a one-stop shop for all of my free stand-up specials, podcasts and blogs as well as my weekly Tea with Alice

salons and writers meetings. If you do sign up and regret it, I will send you back your money. That happened this week. A guy had signed up for an annual subscription and it all came out of his account and he panicked and messaged me and I gave him all his money back. And then someone else subscribed and gave me the exact same amount of money. So it was like, ooh, what a beautiful karmic circle,

even though that's not how anything works. That's very nice, Alice. Yeah, it was really nice. If you would like to be a roving reporter for The Gargle, if you would like to contribute to The Gargle, tweet us at HelloGarglers. And a big thank you to this week's roving reporters, SeaLips, who sent in both the vagina on a chip story,

the photobombing satellite, and the sewer spider robot story, although that was sent in by a number of people, and Philip Cannon, who sent in the diarrhoea detector story. This is an Alice Fraser and Bugle podcast production. Your editor is Ped Hunter, and your executive producer is Chris Skinner. I'll talk to you again next week. You can listen to you again next week.

You can listen to other programmes from The Bugle, including The Bugle, The Last Post, Tiny Revolutions and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.