The Gargle - Water discourse | X | Drone plunge

Episode Date: July 27, 2023

Tiff Stevenson and Sami Shah join host Alice Fraser for episode 122 of The Gargle - the glossy magazine to The Bugle's audio newspaper for a visual world.All of the news, none of the politics!🚰 Water discourse❌ Twitter rebranded🚁 Drone plunge🥚 Egg thief🐕 Highland gathering🏊🏻‍♀️ ReviewsHOW TO SUPPORT THE GARGLEAdvertise YOUR business on The Gargle with an Alice Fraser ad read. Contact [e-mail]-order the D'Ancey LaGuarde Reader book here! http://l8r.it/DHhGBuy tickets to The Gargle Live at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival - Tue 15 and 22 August - go to https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/live00:00 Start02:09 Front cover03:24 Satirical cartoon05:42 Story 1: American travellers claim Europeans 'don't believe in water'12:08 Ads13:49 Story 2: Twitter rebranded as 'X'20:00 Reviews24:50 Story 3: Hundreds of drones plunge into Melbourne's Yarra river28:51 Story 4: Man who stole thousands of Cadbury Creme Eggs sentenced to jail33:51 Story 5: Why did 488 Golden Retrievers gather in Scotland?36:41 Bye! Anything to plug? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. violence when the new rulers arrive. Times are changing and brave is the woman who goes out to the market square without a companion for protection or witness. People go on as usual more often than not but the tensions that seethe beneath the surface of this conquered city bubble like a pressure cooker beneath the most innocuous interactions. A man buys a fish on a Thursday. A woman arrests her instinctive urge to make the evil eye at a passing creep. And as the sun sets everybody's eyes furtively seek out the gargle. This is The Gargle, the sonic glossy magazine to the Bugle's audio newspaper for a visual world. I am your host, Alice Fraser, and your guest editors for this week's edition of the

magazine are Tiff Stevenson. Hello. Hi. Are you wearing overalls? Do you mean like dungarees? Yes. overalls do you mean like dungarees yes uh well actually they're not they're kind of like these they're like these high-waisted um trousers that have a little um i was at a gig the other night and someone said it was bisexual clothing and i went it's actually isabel morant i've not heard they have what they call a paper bag waist,

which is where they make them bigger and then you pull them in like a paper bag. And it feels like you're carrying your butt home from the grocery store. Yes, exactly. I'm taking my lunch with me everywhere I go. And Sami Shah, welcome back. Thank you very much. I am wearing a K kmart hoodie in case you were wondering that is from the kmart line of hoodies that's my extent of fashion knowledge i mean kmart i feel like the equivalent of kmart would be tk max yeah yeah somewhere between uh primark and m&s i feel kmart

kmart falls in the in the stakes of whether it's legitimate clothing before we kneel together before the hungry god that is this week's top stories, let's have a look at the front cover of the magazine. The front cover this week is a blueprint of Sam Bankman Freed's not-at-all-super-villainy plan that was recently leaked during court filings. His plan was to buy the island nation of Nauru for the effective altruist community in case of the apocalypse and also so that they could run human genetic experiments and also some other stuff.

That's a quote. That's a direct quote. Probably good for some other stuff. Yeah, I feel like I've really, I mean, last six months has been a real blow to my glowing image of the effective altruist community. It's also quite fair, like, knowing Nauru's history at this point, I don't see this ending for them any other way than being a billionaire's genetic playground. The previous big investment that they had financially was they gave their money to Leonardo da Vinci the musical, which was a musical production in New York. Now, Rue invested entirely in the production of the musical.

The entire thing flopped so bad. I think it lasted two days and then was pulled off of Broadway. Well, of course, because all the women they cast aged out in the two weeks of the production. And they ran out of their entire income. So, yeah, this is it's pretty cool to do that to Nauru, I think. And the satirical cartoon this week is the planned-out extended universe for the Barbie movie, because just enough is never enough. Projected follow-ups to the Barbie movie include,

and this is not the satirical bit, a Polly Pocket movie and a live-action Thomas the Tank Engine movie. And, of course, let's not forget the Oppenheimer movie sequels, prequels and side character spin-offs. I, for one, cannot wait to see the range of fedoras and moral ambivalence that we get to be exposed to in the next few years. I'm excited for Poppenheimer.

That's based in the clubs. It's about dance craze. Sammy, have you watched either of these movies yet i have a 10 week old so i'm gonna watch these when i can watch them on my phone while bouncing on a medicine ball with a baby on my shoulder um which is the way i think the director intended for them to be seen tiff have you seen either of them? I haven't because Scottish Husband has been in Scotland rude so we've promised to go and see Oppenheimer in the IMAX

and so yeah I haven't seen them yet next week and also it's very exciting just to see Cinemasville again as someone who has a film coming out in Cinemas like next month. So it's good to know that people are buying tickets and going.

And I like that communal experience, she says, ignoring people who open really loud packets of crisps and talk my whole way through. Yeah, well, what you really need to do is tap into the, like, disposable fashion consumer experience of going, coming to your movie, wearing some sort of outfit that then that's then going to go immediately to landfill. You can do an Instagram post. If you get into that, that seems to be the niche market.

If you can get into the people dressing up to go to see films, though, is is is quite it does make it feel more like event cinema. There's a kind of as long as you don't throw it away afterwards i would ignore the disposable part but but the uh doing pink to wear oppenheimer's not quite the same i don't know it's like the only thing you can wear that's appropriate to oppenheimer probably is black and a sense of anguish yeah oh if you're not going to oppenheimer in either a turtleneck or a full suit If you're not going to Oppenheimer in either a turtleneck or a full suit, you're in trouble. Now it's time for your top stories. Top story today is water discourse news.

This is the news of an international incident. There is currently a raging debate online about whether Europeans drink enough water. American travellers have sparked an enormous amount of backlash after claiming that they can't find water in Europe. Tiff Stevenson, you're a traveller of the world. Can you unpack this story for us? Yes, apparently it was gripe water.

What? What? They've got gripes. Some Americans went on TikTok and said they haven't heard of water in Europe. This is us with our water bottles everywhere drinking. I imagine the Americans need it for that high fructose corn syrup they've got in their systems. So it's just a case of working that out. Also, all that historic architecture is dry and makes you thirsty. So there was a bit of a sort of raging debate over whether or not

Europe had more water. I think they might be deploying quite a lot of it at the moment for parts of Greece and Italy that are literally on fire. So yeah, they were saying you only get tiny glasses in restaurants, but that's ignoring the fact that in a lot of European cities like tap water, not tap water, there's water fountains available. In fact, in France lot of european cities like tap water well not tap water there's water fountains available um in fact in france how french is this you can get you can get uh water fountain water and you can get sparkling to fill up your bottle for free that's the most french thing like so the idea that europeans don't have when the most famous bottled waters like evian and so they come from France and Italy,

you know. Well, you have also this, you have this sort of cultural sort of disjunct between Europeans who drink maybe a little bit less water than Americans, but still have access to water and then are not depriving their tourists of water unless the tourists are unwilling to drink out of a tap, which it seems perhaps these Americans might be. And then on the other end of the spectrum, Americans who, due to their deep cultural issues, need to have a beverage in hand at all times, whether it's a Starbucks coffee or a bottle of water. If they're not sucking on something all day long, they feel deprived of the love that their mothers never gave them, I think.

I was looking at the story and my initial instinct was to obviously make fun of the love that their mothers never gave them, I think. I was looking at the story and my initial instinct was to obviously make fun of the Americans because they're ridiculous and why not? But then you start reading into it and certain details stick out. So, for example, the European Commission, which is part of the European Union, actually said that, yes, Europeans do drink less water than the recommended guidance values, which means this explains why Europe has had two world wars and they're constantly battling the rise of fascism in the far right and half of Europe is on fire right now and the other half of it is killing migrants and stuff. It's because they're dehydrated. Most Europeans are just angry because they have migraines from the lack of water. Well, also, the recommended dosage of water per day in Europe is lower than the recommended amount

in America. And also in America, people are either constantly trying to get plump, dewy skin or lose weight, which involves drinking inordinate amounts of water. So yeah, I think there is really genuinely a cultural difference. Also, maybe Europeans aren't tracking their water intake so compulsively as there is really genuinely a cultural difference also maybe Europeans aren't tracking their water intake so compulsively as Americans I got a water bottle given to me by an American friend and I had a little cheering up slogans all the way down it which were like you know after 250 mils it'd be like you're doing it and after you know 500 mils it would like chug chug chug and there is nothing that has made me want to drink water less than that bottle.

Motivational speaking, yes. Are those motivational tampons in America? You're halfway in. Yeah, little like, you're halfway in. Pull me. Eat me, drink me, pull me eat me drink me pull me that was the chapter that got cut out of Alice in Wonderland um it's a bit of silly fun to kind of you know I think the positive thing is they're they're staying hydrated you know so they are like knocking knocking back the water I would say if you are in europe if

you're an american and you're in europe um and we're being very silly and you know uh and and ridiculous but uh if you if you if you are in europe and you feel like you run out just find a middle-aged woman because i am i am in my 40s now my body is is retaining water at it's actually hoarding it like i'm in mad max fury road so if you just stand near me you'll be able to get some of that sweet sweet moisture they could just tap you like a maple tree straws with a pointy end like a bubble tea store and just knock it into the side and that would help me out as well let's be honest so it will be it will be mutually beneficial what are those like uh

like those fish that feed on whales you know those smaller remora yeah yeah yeah you could young american women in their 20s can just yeah just hit me up with some moisture being glib and being silly actually think it's a it's an interesting cultural debate um and like you say we apparently are drinking are drinking less water and it explains i guess the rage well i mean there is another element to it which is uh that when you go to a new country sometimes you don't see the things that everyone is doing and the things that are obvious so for these girls they can't see water anywhere but uh for all the europeans who surrounding them, there's water fountains at every corner and there's no sense of scarcity at all.

So you can be like blind to the stuff that you're looking directly at, which is why we need artificial intelligence glasses to control everything we look at and put up little signs that say, this is where you can drink from. And how much water would you recommend drinking? I would recommend drinking when you're thirsty until you're not thirsty anymore.

Ah, interesting. I thought you were going to come up with a specific amount, Alice, of water that you should drink. The amount that I'm thirsty for at any given time is usually about half a glass of water. But there are specific reasons for that, which I mention in my show, Twist, available at the Edinburgh Fringe all through August. Your ad section now, because you can't be what you can't buy.

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Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com. social media news now uh twitter has rebranded itself uh as x if you've been following this news um on any other platform including twitter elon musk has fulfilled a lifelong desire to name an app x as part of his process of turning Twitter into the quote-unquote everything app, something like China's WeChat, where they get to send money and send messages and download music. And be monitored constantly.

Monitored constantly and have a social credit score that then decides whether you get to get on a train if you didn't walk enough steps today. All of the fun of constant surveillance with none of the fun of Twitter. Sami Shah, you're online. Can you unpack this story for us? Well, okay. So a lot of people have criticized Elon Musk for it, as they have been criticizing him since he took over Twitter. I'm willing to just believe that he maybe is a genius, because maybe we're just not buying it. we're just not understanding the complexity of his thoughts this is a man who bought x.com the url over it over a decade ago i think close to

20 years ago tried branding rebranding paypal as x.com got fired from paypal because of that attempt and then just sat on the url for ages and ages until the right moment came along i mean let's not let's not forget mean, let's not forget the child. Let's not forget the child that he named. Oh, right. Right, right, right. He also, that's correct. Yes.

And, you know, that's a huge dedication. I had samisha.com. And also the two wives that he then turned into exes. Into exes, correct. And look, I had samisha.com for years. And once I just let it lapse and I couldn't get it back. And now I'm stuck with the samisha.com, which. And and once I just let it lapse, and I couldn't get it back. And now I'm stuck with the samisha.com, which makes me sound like a psychopath. Elon Musk knows how to hold on to a URL and is not going to stop until he finds a good use for it. And I think x.com or whatever

this is now called, with the videos called X videos, which is clearly not going to be confusing for any porn aficionados. It has a plan in place. The funniest part about the story, though, is that it's already been copyrighted by someone else and that someone else is Meta or Facebook. And Microsoft. And Microsoft. So he doesn't even own the thing that he wants to own so desperately. And yeah, so now it's called

xing i get i don't know like whenever i go i say i said type twitter.com and it opens up fine so i'm not sure what exactly this grand plan is other than one of the detail that's important to point out as he announced it around the same time as the x-men comic books had the hellfire gala and spoiler alert a lot of x-men died because Professor Charles Xavier screwed things up. So maybe it's a crossover. I don't know. I don't know whether Elon Musk is dealing with Marvel on that level yet. Well, it's just such a retro version of

futurism, the letter X. As the idea of the coolest thing you can possibly have. It's like a lady dressed in a silver jumpsuit with Bose headphones on. It's like he saw the movie hackers from the night from 1998 or whenever that came out with a young angelia jolie and was like that's my personality for the rest of my life that's who i am is he gonna try and trademark it

though this is what's interesting to me does a trademark the letter x and then just sue treasure maps, anyone that plays Noughts and Crosses. Like, how can you, you can't technically, can you own a letter? Well, one of my favourite children's book, which is James Thurber's The Thirteen Clocks, has a villain who does not like to hear the letter X spoken. So that's fun. Maybe we need to chuck Elon Musk into that multiverse for a minute and have him fed to the geese. Well, also as well, he took over the ex-Twitter account. So there was a user that had that and she just took it. He didn't pay the owner or anything.

And apparently that's in the terms and conditions that you don't own your Twitter name. But he also hasn't paid rent for the headquarters. So, yeah, I don't think anyone's getting any money from this guy. Look, as somebody with fond remembrances of the early internet, where it was kind of really just a wild west and you kind of were allowed to do anything that you wanted to do, I feel that at the moment the problem is not so much the current situation

as that I want to get to the future now. that i want to get to the future now i just want to get to the future where the interaction is 100 clear the transaction that we're undergoing is 100 clear you whisper one of your darkest secrets into your computer and then it lets you send an email just i just want the clear transactional process uh rather than having it pretend to be halfway between these two situations where it's like freedom of speech no no you you tell us your your deepest fear or your most shameful secret and then you get to do a tweet that's is that so basically you want Scientology yep yep okay the future of the internet is Scientology we're in the middle phase right now right so it like, it's like the printing press. First, there was the

printing press and it was made and was amazing. And then there was the entire Protestant Reformation that resulted from that. And that caused a lot of people to die. And a lot of people got angry. And now we have a billion copies of Fifty Shades of Grey lying in landfill. So we're in the phase of the Protestant Reformation, we have to get to the phase of badly written erotica just being the only thing left in the universe. Well, speaking of badly written erotica, you can go to unbound.com and write in Alice Fraser, if you would like to support the Dancy Lagarde reader, we are more than 210% funded. So we don't need your funding. It's if you would like a copy of the Dancy Lagarde reader,

go to unbound.com and write in Alice Fraser, because I guarantee if you try to write Dancy Lagarde, you will misspell it. It's a name that I decided on because I thought it would be the funniest name for me to say, and then I wrote spelling for it that would be the funniest for me to read, and I never expected anyone else to ever read it, let alone be reading an entire book

dedicated. I almost feel like Elon Musk had the same thought process behind x.com. And that's now that's how we're in this fix right now. Your review section now, as you know, each week, we ask our guest editors to bring in something to review out of five stars. Sammy, what have you brought in for us this week i have brought in um the lumbar lordosis um if you don't know the lumbar lordosis is uh the that part of the spine that curves um like a little bracket like a curly bracket the lower part the lower half of your spine basically and um it's it's the i think the last 10 vertebrae and it's just shit it is just badly designed it's badly evolved and it's something that you don't really realize until you're holding a 10 week old baby at four o'clock in the morning and you realize that look

we were our whole purpose is just it's just to procreate to recreate ourselves in smaller and smaller units and then we're supposed to carry those units because they use this they can't walk by themselves to carry them but somehow carrying them wrecks our spines like our backs can't handle the thing that we're supposed to do and it's because of the lumbar lordosis which evolved badly and and i'm furious at the lumbar lordosis for being such a crap piece of spine if we had you had one job and you're not even good at that and therefore i give it one star out of five once i would take away the one star if i could but i still need to stand up right and i'm holding on to that that promise for now one star for the lumbar lordosis probably would have

been better if we kept a tail of some kind i was gonna say is that where the vestigial is is that is that on that that's where that lives right and we had a promise of some kind. I was going to say, is that where the vestigial is? Yes. Is that on that? Yes. That's where that lives, right. And we had a promise of a tail. How much better would life have been with just a prehensile tail? Why did we have to lose that? It's all the Lombardo's fault.

Well, also, you could be like a kangaroo. Like a kangaroo. You can lean back on it and then just kick shit out of everything else. Don't they look happier than we do? Sammy Shah, as somebody who is constantly targeted with ads for ways to make myself less disgusting as I age, I'm not looking forward to the idea of Botox for my tail or some kind of tail-plumping bullshit or like,

oh, now you have to dye it in stripes. Like, oh, go f*** yourselves. I'm going to let my tail go gray like the rest of me you don't think you'd have a career as a tail fluencer that's a shame she's a wag Tiff what have you brought in for us to review this week uh swimming pools public ones i can't bring myself to call them swimming baths uh because that suggests that there's bathing happening in there but uh i went to the local lido a couple of weeks ago and it was insane there was just like nowhere to swim and it was just human soup with like leary lond London sort of London accrutans just bobbing about in it.

London accrutans. Yeah, that's what I'm going to call them. I came out with a plaster stuck to my thigh. At one point I'm swimming and I could just hear, Dave, Dave, look, I'm a cherub water fountain. And I was like, please don't be a man weeing in the pool. Just please. Then I had to check myself.

It was a relief to just see he was using pool water as a mouthwash and spitting it out on my back uh but yeah i think the problem with swimming pools is that they have other humans in them and everyone has a different idea of what's appropriate behavior in a swimming pool so i would like a swimming pool of my own but in countries that have colder climates you only really have a swimming pool if you're loaded because it costs a lot to get them heated up to a decent temperature to swim in. So, so, you know, unless, you know, I get a bucket load of cash in, I'm stuck with, with, with, with the municipal swimming pools and I give them, I'm going to give them three out of five because they they essentially do what they are filled with water and you can swim in them how enjoyable that experience is is debatable and how much of that is water is debatable I've been trying to

work myself up to go to a swimming pool for a while I know uh Tiff we promised that we'd do it at some point this summer and just as an Australian it feels like a human rights abuse to walk past a pool and there'd be a line around the corner or you have to sign into a registry. I headed to a paddling pool that was associated with a children's park with laser freezer and a vile swamp of chaos and villainy. I have never seen my Australian snobbery, like my anti-this snobbery kicked in really hardcore

and I just let her swim for like five minutes. But I just wanted to remove her from exposure to people who think that a muddy puddle counts as an acceptable public pool situation. Just being polluted by proximity to these barbarians. It's Veruca City out there. What can I say to you? Speaking of plunging into the water, our next top story is the news that hundreds of drones

have plunged into Melbourne's Yarra River. Sammy, you're in Melbourne. Can you unpack this story for us? Yeah, it was a magnificent drone display. People have given up on fireworks i feel like there's no more fireworks happening everyone's now getting to like 600 drones throws them up in the air and then they make a dragon and that's really cool except what happened was out of the 600 drones about 350 of them just fell out of the sky which is applying the rules of physics to drones what

goes up must come down and it did come down straight into the main river that runs through the city of Melbourne. It was organized, ironically, by the Australian Traffic Network, which is a terrible advertising campaign for them to not even be able to control the drones they put up in the air. And their statement after 350 drones just disappeared into the water, said this is the first technical situation we've had in the 18 months that we've been in this business, which is good, I suppose. That doesn't feel like long enough to be in that business. I know.

I don't know why they thought that was a reassuring statement to tell us. They also said, as far as we know, no one's been hurt. And I'm like, it fell into the river. Did you ask everyone? Were the ducks and the fish consulted on this because i seriously doubt it um so yeah we're we're now um looking for we can go fishing for drones if that's what you want to do in melbourne because it used to be you could go fishing in the yara and pull out a scooter um or a bicycle uh so now we've added some more technology to that tiff are you pro or anti drones um i

thought it was interesting that it was such a huge story like missing drones like are we going to see the posters are we going to see them on the side of milk cartons have you seen this have you seen this drone are we going to get are they going to get their own music video like runaway train by soul asylum that's that's that song was about missing kids and then they just showed them all. So if they do retrieve them, you can see what went wrong because they filmed their own demise as they've slowly gone in. So you can just watch the footage, the footage back. But yeah, it's a sort of baffling,

whether it's a more environmentally sound thing than fireworks, because fireworks were going off last night in here, actually, and my cat lost his mind and crawled underneath the sofa. I don't know what was being celebrated, but I suppose there's less. The net result is probably better for the environment, although not technically. Do you swim? Does anyone swim in that river river it's probably cleaner than a swimming pool here yeah i was gonna say they do when they're from london and they want to get a nice bath otherwise no so that's all you're just just gonna have loads of footage of people's feet from underneath uh that jaws that jaws perspective but yeah i mean it's a lot i imagine that an expensive, that's got to be about,

I don't know, how many, 350, probably a thousand pound a drone. It's taxpayer money. Don't worry about it. One of the things that the department spokesperson says is the drones did exactly what they should have done with any technical glitch. They auto rotated and landed. Unfortunately, when you're over water, they auto rotated and landed unfortunately when you're over water they auto rotate and land into the water which i'm thinking given that some parts of this planet are water um you should probably add that as a functionality into drones in the future it's just maybe don't go land there the word land is not appropriate for that i mean that's what i do when there's any kind of a glitch

or malfunction in my process. Auto-rotate and lie on my back until the problem disappears. She has to be flipped over before she can go again. You're like a beetle. It would be funny if they find, out of all the drones, they get all the footage and they discover that there's one drone that was basically like the Reverend Jim Jones of all the footage and they discovered that there was one drone that was basically like the reverend jim jones of all the other drones and egg news now this is the news it's a follow-on story from a story that we've covered before on the gargle a british man who stole more than 31 000 pounds

worth of cadbury cream eggs from an industrial complex has been sentenced to 18 months in jail now the inexplicability of this to me is extraordinary not only have Cadbury cream eggs managed to somehow transcend Easter and become an all-year-round treat the idea of anyone wanting more than one of them a year just blows my freaking mind uh Tiff Stevenson, you've stolen the hearts of the nation. Can you unpack this story for us? Yes, it's a cracking story. Excellent punning potential. We are not yoking.

Now that's out of the way. Cadbury's had a campaign. I love my former self. Cadbury's had a campaign which was like Cadbury's Cream Egg, how do you eat yours in a cell apparently for this guy um you know I mean every Easter actually my mum she's quite religious she makes me go on an egg hunt um just to find out if any of them are still viable um she wants me to have kids that's what I'm saying yeah it's about this man stole thousands

of Cadbury's cream eggs and uh apparently when he was caught he came out with his hands up which he had to because they were very sticky uh due to the due to the yolky middle his name is jobby pools which is so close to jobby pools which in scotland is just a swimming pool that's filled with poops um so any of the swimming pools that I've been talking about actually no I will say swimming pools in Scotland municipal swimming pool are incredible very very uh beautiful swimming pools in Scotland so um yeah the standard is much higher there for a for a council swimming pool but yeah uh Joby pools ridiculous stole I don't know what I don't know what the plan was to do

with them afterwards to sell them down the market like how do you how are you getting rid of a job lot of of like cabri's cream eggs i don't know what the plan was it's fascinating it would be intriguing to know what was going on in his mind when he was like yes i've got a plan for this um and i don't know whether it was to eek them out over imagine they've got a best before date their eggs don't leave them out in the sun they're gonna they're cadbury cream eggs though they don't have a best before date they'll be around not being eaten by cockroaches after the nuclear wipeout are cadbury cream eggs not the most delicious chocolate am i the only one who thinks that i like

it i like a cabri's cream right yeah i've never related with a criminal more in my life this is a victimless crime as far as i heard it i was like exactly i would have done the same thing i don't understand what the problem here is he shouldn't be punished for this 200 000 can be cream eggs you ask what the plan is eat them they're amazing they're absolutely amazing back up back up back up how many cadbury cream eggs could you eat in a row i mean i've tested the limits i'd say four but yeah you know yeah i've done i'm sure when i was a kid i've probably i've probably done three in a row. And it is, it's very telling. You tell a lot about a person about how they eat them.

You know, you're taking the top off and like dipping your tongue in, like a little lizard, you know, to try and get there. Are you just biting it off, breaking it, getting it everywhere? You know, that's, genuinely, the campaign was how do you eat yours how do you eat yours sammy with 200 000 you can eat them everywhere that's his genius he saw the campaign and was like i'm gonna try them all out my ways i bite it in half and then i lick the inside like a creep and then i eat the remainder but you could do whatever i i again i'm i'm i'm horrified that alice has such a low regard for the finest chocolate ever made.

No, they are perfectly good at the proper rate, which is one a year, and you get halfway through and you're like, well, that's enough for now. I would like to. I wonder if anyone eats it with a spoon. I wonder if anyone cracks the top and then spoons the middle out. That I would like to see. That I would give a go to.

It almost feels like someone's... It feels like the kind of thing that you would do as a prank or as like an attempt at a guinness world record or something you eat one cadbury cream head with a spoon you mean well we're just like to get them all and then like oh right yeah like i can't see what other reason you would have again because otherwise that that then we're in a world where there's like cream egg dealers on street corners we'll just see sammy down in camden on the uh absolutely lock on a on a saturday night going guess a couple of guess a couple in a giant overcoat you want some eggs hey you want some eggs i got got some eggs. In a basket. Come on, Sammy.

In a basket. Well, thankfully, the situation was rescued by the police and no eggs were lost. But in other retrieval news now, this is the news that 488 golden retrievers have retrieved themselves to their traditional home in Scotland, in the Scottish Highlands their traditional home in Scotland in the Scottish Highlands. Tiff you know the Scottish Highlands well can you unpack this story for us? Apparently

it's a photo opportunity 488 golden retrievers going to the Highlands they put them all together for a photograph but it sounds like a very stressful andrex commercial because um because apparently uh according to the article um the the the dogs are put there for 15 seconds so that the photographer can capture them but it says 15 seconds in golden retriever time is an eternity approximately an eternity so 488 golden retrievers evidently believe they have been abandoned forever and panic so there's just like it sounds so stressful so there's just owners on the sidelines going i'm over here don't worry darling and these poor dogs are like what is going on event yeah yeah stay put chill out guys yeah so um i mean the picture looks great

they look very majestic um and the highlands are beautiful i don't understand why they didn't just have a tannoy saying sit good boy sit um yeah so so yeah it's a photo opportunity it's as most as i can make out and that it happens yearly annually at guisehan house which is the place where the golden retriever breed was invented presumably when uh well i mean a wavy coated retriever was bred with a tweed water spaniel or a dog some gold either, the invention of the breed happened there in Scotland. And so they're returning to whence they came, like salmon swimming upstream to spawn, I assume, and then continuing the process.

You're skipping over the most bizarre part of the news story, which is where they then tell us a little bit about the history of the golden retriever. And they say this is us a little bit about the history of the Golden Retriever, and they say this is to pay homage to Sir Dudley Marjorie Banks, later Lord Tweedmouth, full stop, and then they say he's credited with developing the Golden Retriever.

I want to know why he was called Lord Tweedmouth, and what the hell can last in Marjorie Banks' as well? There's so much more happening there. He sounds like a character that Ian Brighton made up. Tweedmouth is presumably like foot-in- in mouth like this guy just kept saying awful stuff and was having to stuff his jacket into his face he sounds like someone's saucepan man was friends with or on the magic faraway tree and that brings us to the end of the show we are flipping through

the ads at the back uh sammy have you got anything to plug i've got a podcast it's called news weekly that's spelt w-e-a-k-l-y uh because that's what you want to do when you create a podcast is come up with a letter spelling pun on an audio thing where anyway so it's called news weekly you can find it it's a weekly 15 minute roundup of the news and the headlines um done satirically, hopefully. And that comes out every week. So that's,

I think that, and if you go to the samisha.com, a URL, which I am now stuck with because I gave up samisha.com, as I said earlier, you can find a whole bunch of my comedy stuff as well. And Tiff, what have you got to plug?

Well, you can check out Catharsis, my podcast with the Bugle Group. Lots of fantastic episodes. Alice has been on one. Those are up at the moment of the current series that's out. So check that out. I also have a run at the Edinburgh Fringe, 14th to the 20th of August.

Just doing seven days work in progress at lunchtime at midday at 12 o'clock. So you can come along, see, we're just, it's low key. It's only eight pounds because I'm trying to go back to the roots of Fringe, which is to go up and create something fun up there. So I'll be up there for a little while and I have a film, but it's coming out in America. So if you're in America and you're listening, check out Slotherhouse, which is coming to movie theatres in America in August. Dress up. Go see it. Dress up with stuff you already own and will wear again. Dress up with stuff you already own.

In fact, you should go dressed. It's set in a sorority. So if you could go dress like you're in a sorority, that would be fun. There you go. Yeah, Ugg boots and trackie dacks. Yeah. That's an easy move. Speaking of Edinburgh, we have live goggles in Edinburgh.

Tickets can be found at thebuglepodcast.com. I am also in Edinburgh. I'll be doing a show every night at 8.30 p.m. at the Underbelly Bristow Square. It's called Twist. I'm very proud of it. And if you cannot get to Edinburgh, please buy a copy of the Dancy Lagarde reader at unbound.com.

Type in Alice Fraser. Again, I'm pretty sure you won't spell Dancy Lagarde right the first time. I didn't. If you have any stories that you would like to send in to the gargle, tweet us at HelloGarglers on X. X us on X at HelloGogglers on X. X us on X at HelloGogglers. I'm Alice Fraser. You can find me online at patreon.com slash Alice Fraser.

It's a one-stop shop full of my stand-up specials, podcasts and blogs and my weekly writer's meetings. If you would like to write, if you're working on anything, whether it's a musical, a movie, an academic text, come in, we do a writer's meeting and it's a lot of fun. It's my favourite thing and you get it at the moment for a dollar a month because I haven't figured out how to price it properly this is a bugle podcast and alice fraser production your executive producer is chris

skinner your editor is ped hunter i'll talk to you again next week you can listen to other programs from the bugle including the bugle catharsis tiny rev Revolutions, Top Stories and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.