The Gargle - Work inequality | P0rnhub ban | Pilot naps

Episode Date: March 22, 2024

Guest editors Alison Spittle and James Colley join host Alice Fraser for episode 149 of The Gargle - the sonic glossy magazine to The Bugle, with one rule: no politics!👩🏻‍💻 Work inequality💦 P0rnhub ban😴 Pilot naps🖼 Student art🍕 ReviewsStory 1: https://www.theguardian.com/global-development/2024/mar/05/no-equality-for-working-women-in-any-country-in-the-world-study-reveals-world-bank-gender-gapStory 2: https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2024/03/15/pornhub-texas-age-verification-law/Story 3: https://www.cbsnews.com/news/pilots-fall-asleep-mid-flight-150-on-board-batik-air-indonesia/Story 4: https://montreal.ctvnews.ca/parents-fuming-after-montreal-area-teacher-allegedly-lists-students-art-for-sale-online-1.6761489HOW TO SUPPORT THE GARGLE- Keep The Gargle alive and well by joining Team Bugle with a one-off payment, or become a Team Bugler or Super Bugler to receive extra bonus treats!https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/donate Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. There is that serial killer who swore vengeance on you after you revealed his dastardly plan to the police. And, oh, just over there, there's the cursed burial ground that brought all those pets back to life. And just behind you, the shuffling footsteps that follow just a fraction of a second behind your own. Same as always, nothing to worry about. And then, a pain in your neck, a bite, you turn, but whatever it was is already gone.

Oh, well, next time you'll bring some citronella, you think. And then you're home before you know it. The night passes fitfully. You're too hot and too cold at the same time. Your dreams are strange and haunting. You wake with a hunger, no, more than a hunger, a craving. You eat until your kitchen's bare, but nothing satiates you. The day passes, then a week. The craving never does. It only gets worse. There's no more denying it. You know what you are now, and you know what you crave. Not food, not blood, not even that ice cream you bought for a rainy day. The only thing that can satisfy

you now is the gargle. Welcome to the gargle. This is the gargle. The Sonic Glossy Magazine to the Bugles audio newspaper for a visual world, all of the news, none of the politics. I'm your host Alice Fraser and your guest editors for this week's edition of the magazine are Alison Spittel.

Welcome. That was Our host, Alice Fraser, and your guest editors for this week's edition of the magazine are Alison Spittel. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. Welcome. That was oddly perfunctory. Do you think so? Do you think my heart wasn't in it? Do you think? Yeah. Wait, I'll do it again.

Pew, pew, pew, pew. No, no. What's wrong? I'm dead inside. That's almost sarcastic. Wait, my finger guns are sarcastic. This is terrible. I need to bring the heart back into it.

Now I feel performance anxiety. Pew, pew, pew, pew. I was going for a higher tone. That's okay. Yay. And James Colley. Whammy, wham, wham, yeah. Oh, just, just doesn't.

I'll get it next time. Before we click our knitting needles together and begin the elaborate crochet that is this week's top stories, let's have a look at the front cover. The front cover of this week's magazine is Meghan Markle photoshopping herself back into the news cycle

and the satirical cartoon this week is a comedian who's just woken up from a long sleep trying to think of something original to say about the Kate Middleton conspiracy theory bonanza. My running theory is that she's disappeared because she had surgery to send her back in time to teach the ancient Egyptians how to create pyramids in Photoshop. Wow.

That's my running theory. Have you got a theory, James? I don't think she ever existed. I think this was just like a bit we were all doing and kind of leaning into. And then you know how it's like when you start saying something ironically and then all of a sudden you're saying to your boss, you go, girlfriend. It's one of those situations that we're all like yeah william's dating this woman and then we all just

started believing we kind of mandela affected our way into thinking there was a princess kate but you know i've read spare and she is barely mentioned so i don't think well that brings us to our top story this week. This is the exciting news that there is no equality for working women in any country in the world. We did it. Lads, lads, lads, lads. 100% for 100%. The global gender gap is way bigger than previously thought.

That's what she said. Eh! Which we've realised because the annual World Bank report has taken into consideration in calculating women's wages, childcare and safety issues for the first time. You know, safety issues being, Alison Spittel, I'm sure you're aware, the taxi you take home from the gig that eats up all of the money you were paid at the gig instead of being able to, like a man,

go home through the medium, I assume, of fist-fighting your way home. I'm not 100% sure. Yeah, no, no, no, that's it. Every trip home after a gig is basically John Wick to me. Alison Spittel, you're a woman. Can you unpack this story for us? So, yeah, this is a...

Happy to, Alice. Well... That's amazing. What I love about this is the headline is No Equality for Working Women, which is my least favourite Coen Brothers film, to be honest. So this is a report that's basically telling us

kind of what we knew, that if you took into account not only the pay gap, but also the amount of housework a woman is required to do or how much danger she's in generally, that we're not equal to men in those regards. And they've even looked at, like, different countries. Like, Togo apparently has the highest number of laws in sub-Saharan Africa,

giving women 77% of the legal rights of men. And I'm like, wow. But the structure... Don't worry about the other 23. I'm, like, none. But what I... They're really just window dressing. Absolutely, absolutely. but the structures in place

means that only actually they're able to implement a quarter of them so it's kind of like this is this is a really good study because it's telling us what we know uh but but uh giving us actual numbers on it it's good it's isn't it good just to read something and go i knew that you know what i mean i knew that and now i have now i have numbers to back it up that's what i call girl math exactly my gut feeling now has numbers on it's like bang james i definitely should talk about this um i so i wanted to like try and uh understand this from the other side and so i tried to get into the mindset of this from the other side and so i tried to get into the mindset of a sexist reading this and understanding this information i really just

spread out let myself enjoy the article and now i get to explain it to the both of you even though you've both clearly demonstrated that you not only read it but actually sent it to me um so what my real takeaway with this was closing the gap closing this gap would increase gross domestic product by 20 which really shocked me as a working sexist because i would have thought that the gross domestic product would be higher now on account of how women stay home and love shopping which makes everything a domestic product and then they call me gross because i make jokes like that i've done my part to uh bring this back uh bring this back under uh wraps in that i am uh the least successful person in my own household i am much less successful than my own wife uh my two-year-old daughter has been on magazine covers and on television.

My dog has been on Australian Breakfast TV and the Australian late night news show, The Project. Two places that have never invited me on in about 15 years of working in this industry. So what I'm saying is, you know, everyone else catch up because I'm really letting the team down for us all oh wow you're getting fame cooked by your dog that's yeah to put it into that and the the dog is technically male but i did have his testicles removed so it feels like a half point maybe um holy shit that's that's amazing but like what do you do you see any advantages to being a man like what are what are the i'd love oh i can't can't see any uh let me let me go over it advantages to being a man you can park wherever you want that's true right i can park wherever i want oh Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

They have those little pictures of the men in a comfortable chair. That's called diplomatic immunity. Other than that, seems pretty even to me, I've got to say. Haven't noticed anything. I have been thinking about the differences between men and women because I'm a comedian and that's like 80% of what I think about and um what I love about men is that um so that sometimes they get angry at you if you're scared of them do you know what I mean like once I was walking down the street and a man was on his bike and he goes hey and I just kind of looked at him i was like okay cool i'm gonna keep walking

and then he got his bike and he put it in front of me and kind of blocked me in so i couldn't walk any further and there's a weird thing of like you don't know whether you'll have fight or flight when when presented with danger uh but i've come to realize that i don't have fight or flight what i have is I just keep walking on the spot like an NPC character in a computer game and I'm like shrugging and go hey I'm walking like what's going on and um eventually that didn't work so I just said to the guy look I'm just trying to get home and uh he was so taken aback because he heard fear in my voice. And he was like, hey, I'm not going to hurt you. I'm a DJ.

And I thought, well, that checks out. That's fine. Because as we know, all DJs have to take a vow before they do their job. I'm too busy ruining my own life to ruin yours. Exactly. First, do no harm. Second, party. Like, that's it. I'm too busy ruining my own life to ruin yours exactly first do no harm, second party like that's it there's one profession

that has never created a sex pest it's gotta be dangerous I wanna see a report on that I wanna see I mean basically I want to see a report on that. I want to see. I mean, basically, the news story here is that the bit of it that is meant to be news, which is that women across the world are not being treated with equality, is not news. And therefore, the bit of it that is news, which is that now we have numbers to support that fact, is actually good news.

So good news story delivered to the people successfully from the gargle. Woo! Because you know there's one thing that sexists will listen to and that's statistical evidence. I thought you were going to say a podcast hosted by a woman. Ha! Yeah! Your ad section now because you can't be what you can't buy. We really do need to sell T-shirts that say that, Ped.

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horror movies less boring, something to give you a reason to avoid ghosts. Now there is. Fear. Fear. Salt for your experiences. Oh my god. I'm going to think about that next time. Field of salt and do it anyway.

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normal water, but you just add fear? That's great. that's great that's great acas powers the world's best podcasts here's a show that we recommend every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has...

Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts. Everywhere. Acast.com Pornhub News Now, and this is the news that Texas is banning Pornhub.

Or is it? James Colley, you've been to Texas. Can you unpack this story for us? I was really worried about that. That was good. I'm glad that both of the stories so far have just lent into our expertise alice here's the wage gap james there are hot singles in your area how are you feeling about it this is pornhub withdrawing from texas in a form of protest uh so this this report begins with a line that could open a tragic American novel

which is Texans in search of adult content found disappointment Thursday Texans are dangerously horny and if you've seen Yosemite Sam it could go very very badly indeed Disappointment Thursday is my stripper name It comes just before my girl Friday Disappointment Thursday is my stripper name.

It comes just before my girl Friday. So the argument here seems to be, so on face value, let's start here. On face value, the argument here is that age verification laws stifle First Amendment rights. And I want to be clear here, had the founding fathers of the United States of America ever conceived of the possibility that one day you could have a magical square in your pocket in which you could type, say, MILFs, and as if men are from heaven, these MILFs would be delivered directly to you,

I think Thomas Jefferson's head would have literally exploded. It would have been like giving a Dorito chip to a Victorian child. Like the immune system cannot handle such a thing. Benjamin Franklin would have been fine. He would have considered it Tuesday or Disappointment Thursday. But if the founding fathers had known the abyss... This wouldn't be an amendment. It would be like we the people aware that

they are hot singles in our area find these truths to be just gushing but being texas of course this is actually being used for horrible reasons so um what is supposed to be an age verification law to protect the children is actually about removing like sexual health awareness material and queer literature uh because you know texas can't even make porn fun but uh porn hub has pulled its material in protest of these laws which is very interesting because um they make the argument and i agree with them which is these things don't work even for the thing that you're trying to keep them from all i have been on the internet for a long time all that age verification laws ever did for me was teach me how to subtract 18 from a number that is all ever kept me from and so now we're in this standoff between pornhub

and texas which is which is whether we can make the populace so unbearably horny that they affect legal change, which is interesting for a place that says, don't tread on me, because it kind of adds the addendum, or I might just come. Sorry, sorry for the edit. Keep it in, keep it in.

That's also banned. You're not allowed to say that until Pornhub's back. Look, this sort of Lysistrata attitude to affecting political change is probably the best bet we've got. But in 2022, Pornhub released its most searched terms, and I think for Texas the most searched term on Pornhub for Texans was panties, which i think you should be banned from porn if you're searching panties like panties for me i find panties such a distasteful

word it's so repugnant to me that in like it's the moist of moist panties for me like of those two words panties offends me more than moist you You know what I mean? I just kind of think you really need to mess up as a state if you are... There's a lawsuit against them where fake taxi and the Bang Brothers are combining with Pornhub. And I'm like, if you're getting sued by a company called bangbrothers.com,

you've messed up in life. Do you know what I mean? And I mean, ironically ironically the fake taxi is a real taxi and the bang brothers are fake brothers so you know can we believe anything we see in porn i've never i'm like this sounds like a brand it's not like uh i'm this definitely makes i've never watched uh fake taxi right but it's so into ether that i know like there's a part of me that wants to watch fake taxi to see if the people actually get dropped off at destinations like is there do you know what i mean like do you get to see them getting picked up

i'm get behind and then be dropped off to do their shopping or what happens? I'm afraid to go, James, have you seen it? What's it like? I'm over fake Uber kind of guy. Well, you like the free market, James. You don't like... I'm just into disruption. That's just my thing. Yeah.

I like my porn unionized. That's what I like like i like to move fast and break things yeah i like to break unions i like to look i i don't know i'm not i'm not a prude but i do think porn has a bad impact on people and i believe that because i used to live in a flat directly downstairs from two people who had the most pornographic sounding sex and it sounded like neither of them was enjoying themselves at all sounded like a one-sided tennis match or something or what was like it's just you know just deeply insincere like give it to me big boy and you just like oh i i have actually seen like i've seen a fascination with pornography directly impact negatively a friend's life and it was a friend from high school and what happened was

he really thought getting a job as a domino's pizza delivery boy would be a sexy adventure. No. Oh, my God, that's wonderful. Oh, my God. And now it's time for your reviews. As you know, each week we ask our guest editors to bring something to review out of five stars. James, what have you brought in for us this week?

So I tried out adult learning. So I've taken part in adult learning. Here's what I've learned. School is a punishment that children deserve. Not me. I don't deserve this punishment. I'm not built to be a mature age student for two reasons. One, I know how to operate Zoom,

which seems to disqualify me from the position. And two, I've actually like quite kept up my academic rigor from my original university days, by which I mean, I don't care if I fail. I don't show up to classes that often, which is weird because I specifically volunteered for and paid for the classes and then went, you know what? No, I don't understand what I'm doing. I probably know less than I did when I started adult education. Ah, two stars. Two stars. Holy shit.

James Colley putting the academic rigor into academic rigor mortis. Alison, what have you brought in to review? So I'm reviewing being a Domino's delivery driver. to review so i'm reviewing uh being a domino's delivery driver and so the perks flexible working hours quality trading competitive pay family fun days and there's award evenings as well um but to be honest with you the there are some downsides such as a lack of hungry yet cash poor women and occasionally that does turn up in the family fun day for most so i'm gonna give it i'm gonna give it two so i do i do have a relative that used to work at domino's and they made like they would turn it into like willy wonka's kind of pizza factory and they made crazy creations i mean that's the coolest thing about working at

any fast food place is like the world is your oyster when it comes to fried foods do you know genuinely i once once i was in the dominoes in uh and i won's in a town. There were really good, fun people working behind the counter. And this guy came in absolutely stinking of weed. Like, it was, oh, it kind of, like, tickled the back of my nose. That's how much of a stank this was. The manager. Not the manager, no. The head of

Mr. Domino himself Mr. Domino but like the guy behind the counter was like you want a herby pizza and everyone just laughed and it was great but I'm giving it two stars

they have a pension scheme but no f*** you you have reminded me you've opened a call memory of my first job working at mcdonald's where there were two rushes late at night uh both hit about the same time or about half an hour apart there was the church rush and there was the weed rush and if the church sermon went about half an hour late you would get those two to combine and it was two groups equally terrified of each other forced to intermingle in a mcdonald's one of the greatest things you can ever see in your life that's beautiful and that brings us to nap time news now, very relevant to my life.

This is the news that two pilots have been reprimanded for falling asleep mid-flight. If you weren't scared of flying before, you should be now. Alison Spittel, you're up in the air. Can you unpack this story for us? Yeah, so this is basically like i read this i read this story this is about two pilots right and they're both they're both tired little bears uh and they are and they are in charge of a massive machine flying through the air um and basically i didn't notice that you're like uh there's the there's the pilot and then

the co-pilot and you can allow your your teammate to have a nap but what happened was a teammate was having an official nap i think it was like the co-pilot but then the pilot fell asleep himself and it just kept flying in the air and uh air traffic control tried to get in contact with them for about half an hour uh then what one of them woke up and made contact and uh yeah they they've both unsurprisingly both been suspended um i and uh yeah this is this happened in indonesia so like i i was trying i looked up this story and then i was like trying to like, this doesn't, it doesn't sound like I do this, but I was writing jokes before I came here. This is my joke, but I'm more interested in this. Talk about falling asleep at the yoke

because the yoke is a steering wheel of an airplane. Didn't know that before. I had to look up what a steering wheel of an airplane is, which I mean, it doesn't really have a steering wheel of an airplane is which uh i mean it doesn't really have a steering wheel either but they're like it's called the yoke and in ireland um we call anything that we don't know the name of a yoke and uh to know that the steering wheel of an airplane is called the yoke makes me feel like not that safe flying like if somebody said look just take take a hold of the yoke over there.

That could be anything to me. That could be like someone's head, you know. It's a mad story. They've been suspended and they're trying to, like, with all companies where they talk about safety. One of the pilots had 36 hours of rest, but that included visiting family and stuff like that. 36 hours of rest, but that included visiting family and stuff like that. One of them is the father of month-old twins and had just moved house. And I feel like the core issue here is sexism, because if you were given paternity leave of a reasonable amount paid by the company, then you wouldn't have a pilot falling asleep at the yoke.

I actually, as soon as i read that the secondary pilot has month-old twins i went oh not guilty fine whatever you do what you need to my guy that's just that's what happens sometimes and you know what let this be a lesson to any babies crying on the plane you need to this is what happens this is what happens when you keep your dear, hardworking parents up. I found this story a bit harrowing, if I'm honest, for one specific reason, which is that both of these pilots are younger than me. And I didn't know that could happen. I know pilots are older than me.

They're not younger than that. I don't care for that. Like, if the plane had, like like a big pea plate on the back of it, maybe that's okay. Like they're learning. It's their first time on a plane. But I don't want a pilot to ever call me dude. I need a pilot to be older. Oh, James, you think young people call you dude. They always say, look at that lame dude.

Oh, my God. They always say, look at that lame dude Oh my god And that brings us to our final story This is the news that parents are apparently miffed after discovering that a teacher in Canada was selling their children's art online. This tragic news is just breaking my heart. James Colley, you have children whom I assume you're going to try and exploit for money. Can you unpack this story for us?

So this is a story about an art teacher. So parents wanting to look up what art the art teacher had made and then finding an online store where they were flogging their kids' artworks on this online store, which is officially funny. It's so good. It's such a funny grift to be pulling. Also, honestly, bit of a compliment. Most of this stuff is barely fridge-worthy.

You put in the right frame and it's contemporary genius. Like I looked at these pictures and they're not just pictures they're pictures they're pictures on mugs they're pictures on phone cases i think the chances that this teacher sold any are pretty low because and i hate to say this they're bad mugs it's bad art i'm sorry your kids are untalented you should be grateful that one teacher believed in them enough to try to exploit them doesn't have it get them back into the coal mines where they can add some value to society as a parent of a child i don't understand the economics of this supply and demand wise there

is so much production of this shit and there's nowhere to keep it. I have to do like a sneaky nighttime tooth fairy routine where I like get rid of all of the beautiful art my child has made. Lest we drown in a sea of incredibly well created. She's going to listen to this at some point. I'll say it for you because I don't have kids and I probably won't I hate kids art so much

even the children that I love like their art is shit to me anyway go on Alice you didn't say anything no it's not shit to you it is objectively shit because they don't know how to do anything yet they can barely use their hands

they're trying to figure out the coordination it's a beautiful journey towards artistic merit. But there is no child who is at the end of that journey. It's like when a zoo puts a paintbrush in an elephant's trunk and you're like, that's a fun way to spend a Tuesday, but let's be honest about what we're doing here. We're pissing about. You're wasting your time, my time, and an elephant's time here.

It's like pre-teen art, isn't it? It's kind of like these kids are like like uh older children pre-teens they love um they loved up drawing up like crushed cans of coke that's what i always did when i was like in art class in secondary school was draw either a pencil sharpener you know for life drawing or a crushed up can of coke because those are the only two possessions that i had i think this guy this art teacher could learn from stand-up comedians who are also moonlighting as teachers there is a lot of them in uh in our industry just why didn't they change why didn't he change his name for his art because kids google their teachers i googled my teacher found out that he did shoplifting he didn't you know he did not have a good time for about a year because we were

like we were like we were like teasing him you know children find out children google their teacher straight away and they find out everything this was He should have come up with a moniker or something like that. He's a fool. That's why I've got Disappointment Thursdays. That's it. Yeah, Banksy, he's a secondary school teacher. He's not doing it to be cool or anything like that. He's saving his job.

The drawings were bad, but the urinal that he stole to put up in the gallery was outrageous. That's school property. It's a disgrace. My claim to artistic fame is that someone once told me when I was a kid that hands were the hardest thing to draw. And so I decided I was going to practice. And the only hand I had to hand was my left hand because I draw with my right hand. So I have about 400 different pictures of increasing quality of my

own left hand. And at some point, I'm going to do an exhibition. It's across like 15 years of like, well, I'm just going to get this one thing right. And then I'll be a good artist. Turns out, if you can draw your own left hand, you cannot draw anything else. And that brings us to the end of the show. I'm flipping through the ads at the back. Alison, have you got anything to plug? Oh, babes, do I have stuff to plug? I'm in the middle of doing my tour of Soup. I'm going to be in Soho today, Friday and Saturday.

And then this Sunday, I'm going to be in Oxford in the old fire station. Then I'm going to be in Luton at the end of the month. And then next month, Glasgow, Edinburgh, and a place called Pocklington, which I'm excited about, and Leicester. So please come along. It'll be good fun. And that's it, really.

If you're in or near any of those places, please go see Alison Spittel. James, what have you got to plug? Well, depending on what stays in this show, I'm not sure if i'll have any upcoming performances but uh you can certainly check out i have my book is out i'm holding up the camera for you youtube friends here it's called the next big thing it's a little rom-com if you are in australia you can pick it up at all good bookstores if you are overseas i mean you know how the internet

works what you're going to let a little tyranny of distance stop you um or if you if you can't pick it up just go on goodreads tell them you read it tell them it was five stars just rig the vote for me a little bit that would be good but we'll take that oh wait wait i want to change my review i read james's book five stars amazing and i'm alice fraser you can find me online at patreon.com slash Alice Fraser I'm back running my weekly writers meetings which are a lot of fun if you're working on something or want to be working on something or trying to expand your creative abilities

patreon.com slash Alice Fraser we also do weekly just chats in my salons and occasional book clubs where we talk about things that's all available there, as well as all of my stand-up specials, podcasts and blogs, patreon.com.

Alice Fraser, I don't normally plug it this hard, but now I have two children. This is a Bugle podcast, an Alice Fraser production. Your editor is Ped Hunter. Your executive producer is Chris Skinner. I'll talk to you again next week. You can listen to other programs from The Bugle, including The Bugle, Catharsis, Tiny Revolutions, next week.