The Glass Cannon Podcast - Giantslayer Episode 14 - Weekend at Carl's

Episode Date: September 1, 2015

One horrible crime averted, the group turns their attention to thwarting another. But will Lorc survive a brutal self-inflicted wound and help save an innocent family? WARNING: This particular episode deals with dark and mature themes. As we were discovering the voice of the show early on, our improvisation led us down paths exploring the horrific nature of orc society. Please be assured that we course corrected to stray away from these themes as the podcast continued. For more podcasts and livestreams, visit glasscannonnetwork.com. To become an official member of the Naish, subscribe today at http://www.jointhenaish.com. Want to be a part of Glass Cannon Nation? Follow us at twitter.com/glasscannonpod instagram.com/theglasscannon facebook.com/glasscannonnetwork tiktok.com/@glasscannonnetwork Get the best apparel and gaming accessories in the biz at https://glasscannonnetwork.com/store If you enjoyed this, we have several other series featuring Call of Cthulhu - Time For Chaos Delta Green - Get in the Trunk Pathfinder 2E - Glass Cannon Live! Strange Aeons Pathfinder 1E - Legacy of the Ancients Traveller - Voyagers of the Jump and so much more! Join us every Thursday night for Campaign Two of The Glass Cannon Podcast – a playthrough of the Pathfinder 2E Gatewalkers Adventure Path! Videos premiere on YouTube Thursday nights at 8PM ET with a companion podcast available at midnight. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This week on the Glass Cannon Podcast... There's two types of people in this world. Those with loaded guns, and those that die. Gormley wants to settle the score with the murderous orcs. Gormley takes an arrow from her crossbow bolt, it goes up to the corpse of the orc that was going to rape her, and just starts to carve a giant X across its chest. Jesus Christ!

Oh my God! And says, get chest. Jesus Christ. Oh my God. And says, get even. Lork makes a critical mistake. Critical mistake. The attack hits you and is a critical threat. Oh my God. That is the worst critical card we've ever drawn. Galabras displays his keen power of medical observation.

He has an axe wound right through the middle of his head. Ugh, fuck. Those are usually fatal. Oh, yeah. And the orcs try to paint the town purple. It's a non-consensual manicure. No purple look good on your toes. No, no, no!

It's a standard action. I'm a winter! The adventure continues now. Hi, everyone. Matthew here. So as has probably become abundantly clear on the show, as I try to learn to play as the perhaps creepy, but I'd argue misunderstood, Witch Gormley, I am a total and indefensible noob. At least when it comes to roleplaying games. I mean, I think I

have a pretty decent nerd resume, but until I got involved with these fine fellows, I'd never really given RPGs a try. Not for any particular reason, it's just that my fellow nerds growing up were never really into tabletop RPGs. And I'm having a blast learning on the go here and figuring things out. And part of me wonders, did I miss out on some awesomeness? Some significant awesomeness? But then another part of me thinks, thank God I didn't play as a kid. I would have been the worst. I can just imagine myself nitpicking, arguing about the rules,

dragging out simple role-playing encounters, making characters with no substance that were only about the stats, and just generally lowering the quality of the experience for everyone, including me. I mean, I know this because I played plenty of Magic the Gathering and dabbled in a little Mage Knight, and my friends and I were such little shits to each other, especially me. I'm surprised that any of us actually speak anymore. Now, we get into plenty of that ourselves as adults on the show, but knowing what an obnoxious 12-year-old I was, I would have been unbearable. I just, I know it. So anyway, all of this has got me thinking about why we get into RPGs and why they seem to speak to people of all ages

and how we evolve as gamers over the years. And I've been thinking, I'm going to put together a little Tumblr post about all this. So I'm putting out the call here. For those of you who play, when did you get into RPGs and how? And do you still play? How has your relationship with the game changed over the years?

And for those of you who don't play, would you ever have an interest in trying? Why or why not? If you'd like to share, email us at glasscanonpodcast at gmail.com. And then stay tuned to the Tumblr for the eventual article. As always, thank you for listening. Thank you for your support. And now, please enjoy episode 14. What are we doing? You always sound so excited

when you start off. Get a little energy. I don't know how to start these. You need a live studio audience. I told him not to. You're a theater guy. He shouldn't have taken Xanax before we started. What's the point of it all? Trinna's gone. What are we doing? Everybody's started. What's the point of it all? Trinna's gone. So what are we doing?

Fighting orcs? What's happening? No. So you guys just saved this poor defenseless girl from a... Did we learn her name? Just horrible orc rape. You saved her. Her name is Megan.

I just made that up. Fantasy. And she says her parents are in the neighboring building. Please, please help them, she says. And you guys know. What will you give us? No, no. What's in it for me?

Calabra checks the tip jar again. A party of chaotic evil heroes. Yeah, clearly. So, so yeah, I mean, I think, yeah, there's two more buildings

that you saw that could be full of orcs or full of bodies, you're not sure, but she motions and she's like, please, please,

so you assume that these orcs came in, took her away from her parents and brought them in, brought her into this building to have their orcly way with her.

Just imagine that. Like, these are the big, gross, green things taking this young, Hey, hey, brought them in brought her into this building to uh have their orcly way with her just imagine that like these are the big gross green things taking this young hey hey all right ease off i'm not describing it just because they're green doesn't mean they're gross but it would no it kind of does like well but that's the attempt of attempted rape of a five-year-old though no agree right but that has nothing to do with their skin color how old is she uh no she was like uh nine or ten so much different yeah yeah but that's still that's still bad but even if like but even if even if yes yes it is i'm worried where this is going no no no no no just wait just wait i'm gonna cut just wait yeah i'm gonna cut off his mic don't wait i'll cut cut cut my

cut my cut hear me out so but that's the thing. Even if people were doing it, it's the worst act that you can perpetrate on another person. Right, exactly. But these are monsters doing it. Yeah. That actually was way better than I expected. Yeah. Just giving you an idea of the scene here. Right.

This is fucked up. I'm going to get some battle tunes coming again. This guy again. He likes to lead us off. So we hear this next door, this shouting. Gormley quickly pulls aside Megan? Megan? Megan?

Megan's a terrible name. I actually know Megan. My name's Megan and these are my plants. Gormley pulls out her, pulls out or takes an arrow from her crossbow bolt and shows Megan, goes up to the corpse of the orc

that was going to rape her and just starts to carve a giant X across its chest. Jesus Christ. Oh my God. Why are you traumatizing this child even more? And she says, get even.

Oh. Ooh. That is fucked up that's intense and Galadras is just like still hyperventilating from ventilating from the murder of his first sentient being and like looking at this and uh

shaken uh I want to know the story of this girl now if she grows up and becomes like a real hero for true now and starts becomes like an orc slayer. Yeah. Pretty traumatizing day for her so far. Let's see if it's going to get worse. So these buildings, I said. Maybe her parents

will die today. These three buildings are pretty close together. So the very tight alleyways is just the way the inner ward is built. But that building is probably only five, ten feet away from this one. Aaron asked Megan which building her parents were in?

She told us. She kind of liked motions. That one. Lork is going to do the same thing. He's going to try to stealth up to the slightly ajar door and see if he can see the situation that her parents are in. Okay, roll for stealth. All stealth after him if he's successful.

Alright, there we go. 18 stealth I'm going to try with. That, roll for stealth. All stealth after him if he's successful. Alright. There we go. 18 stealth I'm going to try with. That's a good one. 20 stealth. Following. Okay. Oh, actually, real quick, Galabras is going to use the

Wand of Cure Light Wounds again on Baron. Thank you. Five points. They can't all be eights. Yeah. Both Baron and Lork successfully sneak up to the door of the next building. Beautiful. All right, so Lork's like shoulders up against the door, and he peeks in.

Can he see anything inside? Yes. You see four more orcs, uh, kind of doing the same thing, rifling through stuff, uh, ripping things off the wall. Uh, and, uh, there is a human in there. It looks like it's a woman. Um, it's in the back of the room, though. You can't really see what's going on.

You want to go? Let's do it. You want to go? Let's go. So are you guys going to do another surprise round? I'm going to try for it. I think we should be good. We're aware of them.

They're not aware of us. Can I cast Evil Eye as part of the surprise round? Yeah. Yeah, once it starts. Well, the problem is that you have to get up there And it's a risky stealth check Otherwise we'll lose the surprise round if they hear you You should just run up afterwards

I turn to Lork and say There's two types of people in this world Those with loaded guns And those that die These boys about to die Can we get something up on the tumblr Whatever you say boner Can we get something up on the Tumblr Whatever you say Boner Can we get something up on the Tumblr

Way to be Boner's one liners Way to be Boner You got some great one liners Boner So what's the plan You're gonna just The plan is I'm gonna Well

Whatever yeah Get some photos of this for the Tumblr too Yeah I think we'll I think we'll have to... I mean, last time we rolled initiative first and then decided, so let's roll initiative. Because if Baron is higher than Lork,

then he's going to shoot into the room first. I don't want to say too much about what I do before we know what order we're acting in. So Galabras and Gormley are going to hang back, but I'm going to use the same idea that... They get the surprise as well. Right, you get the jump as well. We give them some hand signals. But just for hell

of a roll, you and Gormley and Galabras roll a stealth check just because I want to see if it would have worked. I rolled a 20. Oh man, nice. A 13. You both would have successfully snuck up. Look at that.

Actually, Lork turns around and Galabras is right there. Ah, I didn't see it. You even snuck up on Lork. Although I do have a minus six to stealth, so. 14. You still made it, though. You still made it. Yeah, 20.

Good thing you rolled that. What is your dex at? 20. It's 10. Oh, okay. Roll for initiative. All right. Let's do it. Fucking natural 20. Me. All right. Let's do it.

Fucking natural 20. Me too, dude. Oh, my God. Both Lork and Baron just raised their hands in the air. 26 for Gormley. Some people get excited when they hit a home run or score a goal. These guys, it's a good initiative. All right.

Anybody over 20? 22. 26 for Gormley. What, really? a good initiative. All right, anybody have a 20? 22. 26 for Gormley. Really? 25 for Baron. Whoa! Lork, what'd you get, 22? 22.

Oh, man, you're gonna all get to act a couple times. Plus two initiative bonus. Galabras? 10. Goddammit, Galabras. You ruined it. It's only half. All right, it is the surprise round.

And Gormley acts first. All right. Per usual. Just to recap what we're looking at, we have four orcs spread across the room. Right. This building is smaller than the one that you were just in, so it's even tighter quarters.

So cast Fireball. Yes, so cast fireball. And in the back of the room, you see a human, it looks like a woman, in the far back alcove, but you can't tell what's going on, if it's another rape or what is going on, you can't tell. All right, so I, before. It's a mani-pedi.

Before, remind me, evil eye is a move action? Yes, it's painting her nails. It's a non-consensual manicure pedicure. No purple look good on your toes. No, no, no! It's a standard action. I'm a winter! Oh, God.

All right. So Gormley is going to motion at the orc closest to the woman. Motion. Motion. She's going to show to Baron. Are we all right? Baron and Lark, she's going to motion at the orc closest to the woman. Okay.

And then she's going to evil eye that orc for its AC. For its AC. A to the. Will save. C to the. Fails the, going back to last episode, I think this is the 30th two I've rolled in a row. Okay, so it fails. It fails. Alright, so

in this case, so yeah, since Gormley was acting first, Lork just as part of the stealth trick, is like, ease the door open. She looks in evil eyes, so now the door's open. Because she can't resist, Gromley's going to cackle madly to extend it further.

You had to move to get there. Oh, I had to move to get there. You son of a bitch. You're a cheater. All right, so you said that was AC. AC, minus two for six rounds. Ooh, baby, barren. So if I'm in the doorway,

Talk to me, bone. how far away is the orc currently assailing and applying the pedicure to this woman? About 30 feet. 30 feet? About 30 feet, yeah. Okay, so I'm going to shoot the closest orc then. Okay, that's the one that's sort of about 10 feet away from the door?

Door, yeah. So kind of like after the door is so carefully and stealthily cracked open by Lork, Baranch is going to kick it open. Stick a gun inside of it. And he's going to get up close and deadly. Yeah, he is. Oh, wait, I'm not going to use this. Classic.

24. Oh, nice, man. That definitely hits. Six points of damage. It is at or below zero. Grit point back. Get it right back. Man. We need to get a drop for the grit points. I know. We do. Grit point back. Get it right back. Man.

We need to get a drop for the grit points. I know, we do need a grit point drop. Yee-haw. One of those. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker. No, it should just be a guy. No, it should be the sound of a guy spitting his chew into a spittoon at the end of the bar. Bing.

Or just a drop from the Sam Peckinpah movie, True Grit. Yay, motherfucker. That was the grit point. Until we get sued. Grit point drop. Sergeant Lork Irontusk. Played by Joe O'Brien. Sergeant Lork is going

to... Yeah, this guy's still up and he's ferociously orking. So he's going to take it out. He's orking all over the place. Actually, Lork is going to charge. Because it's a straight line.

I don't know. I need Skip to tell me. Is this American Express? What is this? You get a plus 11 to everything. That's just not right. This is going to be... You need a plus 11 to everything. That's just not right. This is going to be... You need a straight line with nothing in the way of it.

You get to move up to double your speed, and I think you get a... I think a plus 2. Plus 2 to attack, but you get a minus 2 to your AC. Yes, that's correct. I don't even need to look that shit up. Nicely done. What are you, a game master of some sort?

That was really impressive. And you also put yourself at risk of being hit. But you're not doing a bull rush. No. You're doing a charge. I'm doing a charge, and I'm going to swing the new masterwork greataxe that I got. At your microphone? Yeah.

For the listening audience, Joe almost knocked over his head. Try to shatter it. 24 to hit. That hits. Now, this is the one that Baron just shot in the face? Yes. Okay. This is the one that's on its Orc Ferocity.

Right. Just to be clear, this is the one that's basically dead. Right. 12 points of damage. Did you just roll a D? This is like a masterwork greataxe. It is like he kind of just falls to one knee, but he's still alive. What?

I thought he was at or below zero. He was at or below zero. He has a high con. He's a con man. All about that con. About that con. Fuck Meghan Trainor. I hate that song.

Wait. She's all right, but I hate this song. We have a lot of Meghan Trainor fans on this podcast. Yeah, watch what you say, Grant. Joe, did you shut off your phone? Because I know your ringtone is all about that bass. We don't have the rights to that. I'm going to flip this table over.

Megan Trainor just followed us on Twitter today. God damn it. I'm sorry, Megan. Trainor, I don't even... Galabras? I'm going to... That was a risky move, by the way, Lork, because now it still gets its... Yeah, no, totally. But you know what? I like it. Smart. Here's a risky move By the way Lork Because now it still Gets its

Yeah no totally But you know what I like it Smart Here's a grip point I wish I got grip points He has them to spare Rangers need some kind of

Point to spend on shit There are bottle caps You're too busy Hanging out with animals All the fucking time I know right Galabros is going to step up And I've decided

I think he is Actually a virgin I think we talked about that but yeah you said you were undecided yeah i think he yeah the first night we slept in a hotel together we're like how many women have you been with i think he joined the order like on his 18th birthday and like he just never got a chance to like be with a woman before and before he took his vows. And so my question is,

is, is it the fear of possible death that's making you bring this up now? Is it the seeing the orc about to rape the girl that got you thinking about sex? No, no. I'm just curious why, what the tactical value is. Is it just you as a player that's thinking about sex?

No, it's because our audience, it's because in theory, um, I can talk right now with that without being interrupted. that's thinking about sex? No, it's because... Are you just catching up our audience? It's because in theory, I can talk right now without being interrupted. So I just wanted to let everyone know. Sorry, sorry guys. Piggy has the conch.

No, but I was thinking about it when I was walking over here and I just wanted to air that before I forgot. Okay, so I am going, speaking of being a virgin, I'm going to touch Baron. Like a virgin. And give him a bit of luck. Thank you, sir. Piggy has the conch. Let's have another nerd author moment, like Philip K. Dick hour.

I do have some dick facts uh ready to go in case we we hit a what is it called dick moment dick moment yeah okay not for nothing though if you're looking for something to do on a saturday afternoon or saturday night depending on which your game is the william goldman nobel acceptance speech is really nice oh okay just youtube it all right uh i i know that was like in the 80s but you can read it. They archive all of the Nobel acceptance speeches. It's like I don't read it. If it's on YouTube

I'll watch it. I can't read. Okay. Well guess our scrolls are useless. Out on that. Alright that's been

episode 42 whatever. Alright so Galabras gives Baron a bit of luck. Is that what you did? Yep I did. Now

Lork do you ever feel jealous that you never get the bit of luck that it always goes to did? Yep, I did, yes. Now, Lork, do you ever feel jealous that you never get the bit of luck? He's just never standing in a good place for me to do it. I'll do it to him. Gormley would actually like to whiz me this. Yeah, I definitely want it. Actually, it would be better for you because he rolls against Touch AC and you don't.

I just like that there's some sort of connection between Galabras and Baron. I do feel Galabras and Baron. I do feel Galabras feels close to Baron. There is a connection there. I like Galabras. And Lork feels like he continuously gives Baron the bit of luck because Baron seems to need it. Ooh. Lork doesn't really seem to need it.

Okay. All right. All right. Hey, guys, break it up. Break it up. Break it up. Baron doesn't need to go for ad hominem attacks because he's more than confident in his own abilities.

That? Well, you know, I was thinking about a bit of luck with the Falchion because of the 18 to 20 crit range. That might be really, really useful. But if I can get a masterwork Falchion, I'll be back on the Falchion. But you have to roll the 18 to 20, right? You can't roll the 17. But you're rolling twice and taking the better one,

much better chance of getting 18 to 20. That is pretty cheap. I would love to get a crit this next attack. Love it. You still haven't gotten a crit. Nope.

Times four. Insanity. Good God. Gun crit. All right, so that was... That was the end of the surprise round. Now, round one.

Round one of actual combat. What happened was one orc was hit twice, but not enough to take it below its con, so it still has its ferocious attack. Depending on what happens now, Gormley, you're up. Round one. Finish the

fight. Gormley's gonna shoot a crossbow at the orc that was that orc Well I mean that orc It's minus four It's up to you

Fifteen to hit You have a plus ten Plus five I rolled a ten But you get minus four So eleven to hit that wasn't the one that was evil eyed so that would that does not hit all right and then Gromley will cackle to extend

the evil eye on the yeah that'll work on the other on the other work so now it's seven rounds so wait that means you can't reload that's right cuz reloading is a move action. But he can hex people more. It's true. He can hex other new targets. You know what? Let's

roleplay it. Yes. She cackles because she can't resist. Fair enough. Baron Von Gunslinger. Baron is going to hold his action until after Lork disables this orc on the ground. So you are ready. Should I not do that? No, I'm saying let's hope so.

I'm just hoping I hit, that's all. Or you could just let this thing die and go attack another orc. That's not a bad idea. Yeah, that's true. It's going to get one attack. It's going to get an attack of opportunity. With a pretty badass thing. All right, so Baron, you are readying?

Yep, readying. As soon as Lork takes his action, I am going to take mine. Fair enough. Lork. I will try to put this thing down, put this orc down before he can hit me. Natural 19. Wish I had the fucking falchion.

But I'll take it. Can't complain. Definitely hit. Seven points of damage. And it does. Better do it. 19't complain. Definitely a hit. Seven points of damage. And it does not. That better do it. 19 below. At least 19 below.

You were literally one hit point off. So now it dies. Yeah. It does not. Yet again, you guys are strategically taking these guys out before they can enact their orc ferocity, which is such a crazy. Like trolls and orcs in D& dnd and pathfinder they're badasses because orcs like normally they die but nope they get one more attack trolls regenerate in the real

in real real life terms what does that look like do they just like you stab them like you run them through with your sword and they're just like still alive you know like lord of the rings they pull the sword all the way up and they look at them that's exactly that's exactly what i was and it wasn't yeah and it wasn't until uh aragorn cuts his head off that it stopped you know it's Like in Lord of the Rings, they pull the sword all the way up and they look at them. That's exactly what I was going to say. Yeah, and it wasn't until Aragorn cuts his head off that it stopped. It's like the cutting the head off is putting him 14 below zero. Right, exactly. But my point was going to be logically, if you're engaged in melee combat with something and it's still awake and kicking,

you're still going to keep attacking it until it stops doing that. Right. Yeah. But you can see it's like that's a mortal wound right like this thing has been dealt a mortal wound like it's it's going to die in six seconds and so for a heartbeat you might be like he's down and i have to worry about this other threat but then all of a sudden he has one final swing you know and that can be very dangerous all right so lork uh takes this guy out and then he moves up 20 feet to right next to the orc that is with the woman. Is it a woman now?

I'm super close. You do see a woman, and her eyes are closed, and she's laying, and she's got some blood on her. That's all you can see. Okay. But now you can see it's definitely a woman. Same color hair as the girl in the house next door. Can I do a quick heal like, heal or perception check to see if she's breathing?

Yeah. Which, would it be perception? Do perception, yeah, because you can't lay hands on her. 19. She appears to be breathing. Okay. It is now Baron.

Baron is going to step into the room once where, and he is going to fire at the nearest orc. Okay. Again, much smaller quarters here, and Baron is just firing away. 15. Oh, you've got to remember to roll 2d20 at the same time. Roll two at once.

17. So I rolled a 20. Didn't even need it, Skid. 23. You're worthless. Oh, and that's up close and personal. I want to feel like I did something, you know? Up close and personal?

Up close and personal? Up close and deadly. Like, when did you lose your virginity? That is five points of damage. Okay. All right. All right. damage okay uh all right all right so from a metagame standpoint uh these guys uh seem a little tougher uh from a game standpoint do they seem any tougher than the guys that were in the other

uh house because the other guys seem to go down just a little bit quicker are they like lieutenants and the other guys were or do they look the same. Okay, cool. Yeah, it's just now you guys are a little more battle-weary as you come into here. That's my metagaming, why your rolls haven't been as high. Lork doesn't get weary, just for the record. Also, Gormley's just been looking at people. Half-orcs, they do get weary. Gormley, now you... My trigger finger.

You evilized the one that was up with the woman, right? With the woman, yeah. Okay, so that one, with its lower AC, swings a spiked chain at Lork. Ooh. That would really hurt in real life. What is he, a hell's angel? Critical?

If it was its normal weapon, it would have been a critical. But instead, it's just a definite hit. Damn. Oh, man. Okay. He's so disappointed. He's like, finally. No.

So this guy just hits you with a spike chain, and you look at the woman as it's hitting you, and you realize she has those markings on her body being hit by a chain. And this thing hits you pretty effing hard for 10 points of damage. Oh, man. Wait, who?

Lorik got hit? Lorik got hit. 10 points. Okay, all right. 10 points of damage. I'm gonna stay towards the back of the room. Okay. Now, where's Baron?

Right here? Mm-hmm. Okay. This guy comes up. And now clogging the doorway. It swings its falchion at Baron and hits. Doesn't crit. Hits with the falchion for seven points of damage.

Just hits with a falchion we were getting away with murder earlier literally because he was missing every hit but now it's like now it's and the one in the back of the room just chucks a javelin at Baron

minus four to attack it looks like he hit fifteen I'm going to spend my last grit point on something I've never used before Ooh Good call, too I am going to use Gunslinger's Dodge Now read the text to you

Thank you At first level, the Gunslinger gains an uncanny knack For getting out of the way of ranged attacks When a ranged attack is made against the Gunslinger She can spend one grit point to move five feet as an immediate action doing so grants the gunslinger a plus two bonus to ac against the triggering attack the movement is not a five foot step and provokes oh no no so i'm not going to do that that would attack i'm going to drop prone to the ground and gain a plus four bonus to AC against that attack.

And I'm wearing medium or light armor so I can do it. And I'm dropping to the ground and it doesn't hit me. So then it spends a grip point? Yes. So this javelin comes sailing at you and it is point blank going to hit you and you just fall to the ground. I just hit the ground like a fucking navy seal. Does it

still hit him if it covers the plus four to AC? It didn't. It hits Gormley right in the boob. And it just deflates. My boob! You're full of shit! That's canon.

Which boobs are inflatable? The other, the nice thing about the nice thing about a gunslinger going prone is that I can fire my weapon in a prone position. It's so cool, man. Why isn't everybody a gunslinger? Okay. Galabras, Finn.

Fuck me. Please heal me. Galabras, the virgin Finn. So you and Lorik are both down. Yeah. You're hurt. I think I could last one moreik are both down. Yeah, you're hurt. I think I could last one more round without going down. I don't think I can channel and get you both.

You take a minus two to your channel. You could if you walk up to the door, you could. Really? Yeah, definitely. But you take a minus two to your channel because for some reason this is oddly arousing to you. And he's still a virgin. I know, but I do jerk off like... All the time. but you take a minus two to your channel because for some reason this is oddly arousing to you. And he's still a virgin. I know, but I do jerk off like... All the time.

Religiously. Yeah, religiously. You guys all sleep in the same room at the Ramble House. That must have been weird. My mug is stuck to this table. What's going on? Just working on my potions. I do.

I have a small erotic tapestry that I carry with me to fuel my fantasies. It's like in Men in Tights where the blind guy has the braille playboy and he can feel the outline of the woman. Whether you're playing D&D

in your 30s or when you're 13, it's still boob and penis and fart jokes. So I am going to channel and I want to like let everybody know like i bought these very special dice on ebay for this purpose um so they're replica roman dice from about 100 ad um plated they're very small and they're coated in um 24 karat gold

so i've decided i'm going to use these only for channeling Quick question Skid Are they rigged to always roll 6s? Well they are actually loaded So that Skid what do you do for work? Yeah I was just going to say I didn't know that you owned a hedge fund

I just I don't have a whole lot of money I just I just I spent it all I just I just make I've habitually make really bad decision with money so okay I'm someone oh I'm gonna I'm gonna channel positive energy whom for all right Wow she like it she rolls good Skid I'll have a picture I actually put a picture Of these dice On Twitter

Months ago But I'll Put it up On the Tumblr as well And Skid What's your Twitter handle In case people Want to follow

The star of the podcast Galabras Finn That's the real Haiku boy And I don't use it So don't even bother Okay great Great

But you should follow What's the Twitter Of the podcast Yeah but do follow Glass Cannon It's like Glass Cannon Pod right and I don't use it so don't even bother okay great great but you should follow what's the twitter of the pod yeah but do follow glass cannon glass cannon pod right yes

at glass cannon pod at glass cannon pod on twitter it's my favorite twitter out there let me just say it's good Tony Todd

from of Star Trek fame is a follower and you know what that deserves a round of applause that was a great job by Skid great job

Skid Mark Skid Mark I awarded him a glassy Award, which I instituted, and I awarded to him for playing the best Klingon ever for his portrayal of Commander Kern on Star Trek Next Generation, and I think in Deep Space Nine also. I like the idea of the Glassy Awards. We'll do that after every book.

We'll give, like, Tom Exposition will win best NPC best NPC we haven't seen him in too long man you need him to run through here on fire like his

seersucker suit on fire he's like be careful the fire's on chemicals this area is meant as a bottleneck to keep the orcs

in one place thank you Tom here's a potion of cure likelike wounds. All right, round two. Gormley. Wait, Galabash, you did something. Yeah, you channeled, right?

Gormley. I did, yep. All right, here's my question. Gormlicious. When Baron dropped to the ground, is that still considered in melee combat with this orc? That's an excellent question. That's an advanced question.

that's an excellent question that's an advanced question I think for the purposes of the rule he should not be yeah I'm gonna there's no way I would get in the way of it like if I'm realistically shooting unless I critical fumble I think rules is

written he is but let's have some fun rules is interpreted he's wide open the target is wide open is, but let's have some fun here. Rules is interpreted. Rules is interpreted as... He's wide open. The target is wide open. And you know, Baron had the choice to do that. And so yeah, no, he is not, you do not get the minus four.

Alright, so it's like if a target is standing behind a bearskin rug. It's like, don't shoot at him, you might hit the rug. And let me tell you, Baron is hairy enough to where if you killed him And successfully skinned him You'd have a great rug on your hands A dwarf skin rug

So and you're using your move action to reload I'm going to reload my crossbow Okay Rest my arm on Galaris' shoulder And this is the one that is near death right? And shoot at the one Oh no it died He already died

He already died I'm going to shoot at the one that is In melee combat is in melee, was in melee combat with Baron until Baron drops to the ground. Right.

Look at that badass. I also am going to expend my bottle cap here. Oh, I like it. Advantage. You were in that last episode,

right? What's that? You were in that last episode for your daring acrobatic move. Yeah, I like the

getting bottle caps and spending them. You know what I mean? Like holding on. Oh, you want me to roll two d20s at once? You don't want the bottle cap economy to get stagnant. Take this.

You want to keep the line moving. Alright, let's go. Hit this guy. Oh! 14. He rolled a 5 and a 6. You hit with the 14? Is that a 6 or a 9?

That's a 6. You hit with the 14? Is that a six or a nine? That's a six. That's a six. Oh. Ten. No, 11. 11. I missed. Oh, man.

Hey, that's rough. That's why you need to get more bottle caps, because they don't guarantee anything. In my defense. I forgot. Lork. All right. Lork is going to try to take out the guy who clearly Whipped this woman with a spike chain

And he's enraged right now Quick question for you The one that is in front of Baron Is he the one that took damage or is it the one that threw the javelin The one that's in front of Baron Right he's the one that took the damage Alright so attacking Thanks for paying attention

Critical fumble. Awesome. This is such a great... Wait, do we confirm these? I don't remember. No, not yet. Yeah, we're not confirming them yet. Okay.

So we get multiple attacks. So I rolled a natural one on the d20, so something terrible happens. Yes. So I pick a card out of Skid's box of awful. And what kind of attack was it? It was a melee attack. His face does not look great right now, folks.

Just read it, Juggs. Read it. Critical mistake. The attack hits you and is a critical threat. Holy shit. You stabbed yourself with a falchion? With a battle axe. With a battle axe.

So roll to confirm You must roll to confirm the critical hit To critically hit yourself With a d12 battleaxe Confirmed Exactly Confirmed exactly So wait this is the battleaxe you just picked up

In the masterwork greataxe? Yeah the masterwork greataxe So it makes sense you don't know how to use this thing this isn't your weapon uh it's not max so that's good uh 18 damage down i'm dive i have somehow with my battle axe stab yourself in the neck stab myself in the neck holy which is really embarrassing and it's not that funny because I'm actually dying right now. It's uh

that's not good at all. But wait. I have orc ferocity. You do. Ah. So fuck you guys. Eight you just hit yourself

for 18 points of damage. You haven't hit one of my creatures for 18 points. I am really lucky that it wasn't more. Oh. I rolled a five.

Imagine if you killed yourself. It'd make great radio. It would be awful radio. Fuck the shit. All right, Baron. Try not to hit yourself. So if Baron gets up from prone, can he roll acrobatics to avoid an attack of opportunity?

That's just GM. I don't believe so, no. Acrobatically getting up is pretty sweet. Yeah. But acrobatics is to move through a But think about a kung fu movie where a guy is on his back and he just goes

and flips up. You can do it. I'm going to adjust the DC. It would be the guy's CMD or if you want to make it hard, CMD plus 5. You can do it. I'm going to adjust the DC. It would be the guy's CMD or if you want to make it hard, CMD plus five. CMD plus two. So you've got to beat 16.

I wouldn't let you go, but like, oh, well, that's true. 20. Oh. Sexy move. I don't know. That would even be plus five,

so you're good. Is that a daring act by any chance? Damn it, it is. You were in it. Yes. As a swift action, Baron is going to reload his pistol with an alchemical cartridge, and he is going to fucking get up close and deadly.

Blow its fucking head off. Please. There we go. 21. Oh, that's a hit. That's six points of damage. Alright, it is below zero. Grip point gained again!

Two grip points went around! Your buddy Lork is dying. I don't care. Okay. No, I do. I like him. The guy next to Lork is dying I don't care no I do, I like him the guy next to Lork this is Orc Ferocity right? yeah and Lork is still standing

what was he? he had a falchion right? spike chain he swings a spike chain misses oh my god Lork standing there the one in front of Baron brings a spike chain, misses. Oh my god. At Lorc, standing there.

The one in front of Baron, with its last ditch effort, with a falchion. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Hits. Put it in a roll, can I ask? Adjusted 19. Oh boy.

Ten points of damage. Baron's down. Oh, boy. Christ. This got ugly quick. That critical mistake was awful. It hits you. This is really a box.

It hits you. That is the worst. What was it adjusted for? It might be the worst one. That is the worst critical card we've ever drawn. And I have a high AC. Yeah. It'd be one thing if Gormley or Galabras hit himself,

but to have the front line fight a crit. You do bad, really bad crits. With a brand new two-handed weapon. You should have given him a bit of disluck. This should let the crowd know that we... I just shuffled these two. The rolls you hear are genuine on this podcast. That's true.

Can other podcasts say that? No. You can't fake rolls. That's right. Can other podcasts say that? In your face, nerd poker. That was fighting worse. Skid's ready to throw down.

I just threw down the gauntlet, but you won't even pick it up because you fake your rolls. So you might... I don't know. Just quickly Are we Slow your rolls What are our chances Of beating up nerd poker Well they're all

Podcasts versus podcasts We're a bunch of nerds You're a giant man So you You're a giant Well not quite that giant Well Brian Pozain is a big guy too Yeah but he's a gentle giant

I'm You never played football You played football Perhaps if we cast In large person on Grant Let me just do the math here. That would give Grant a 18. We have a 33.3% repeating, of course, chance of.

All right, let's just take it back to what's happening. Spike Chain goes at Lork, misses. This guy falchions Baron to the ground and says, Stay down this time. Well, he's never put me down before, so. I know, but you were laying on the ground. Okay, got it. Yes, I see, I see. Great. I know, but you were laying on the ground. I see, I see.

Alright, so then the Johnny Javelin in the back. Whoa, whoa, whoa. The one that just hit Grant. Didn't Grant shove a pistol in his mouth and take him below zero? He's now gone. That was his last move, and as he was dying, he fell to the ground besides Grant. That's kind of badass. I award that orc a grip point.

I'll take it. So he's back. He's alive again. Alright, so Johnny Javelin in the back chucks at actually he doesn't have much of a move here. So he is going to

move up here and surround Lork. going to move up here and surround Lork. This is Galabras' time to shine. He's in the process of switching weapons, so he does not get an attack.

And it is Galabras' turn. Okay. Grant, how much are you down? I'm at negative one. Galabras' turn. Okay. Outside. Grant, how much are you down? I'm at negative one. Okay. And I have a con of 15.

And how much are you down? I'm at negative one. All right. I'm going to channel again. Here's my special Roman dice. Coded in genuine diamymels Please make it two It's so heavy sounding Two

Fuck off One So at zero what does that do for us You're stable right Yep you're stable Oh you are disabled So you can move or act But you're prone right now

But you can still shoot prone right You don't get a bonus? Your charisma bonus? No, charisma bonus. I'm going to take my potion, because there's no one to provoke an attack of opportunity. Yes, that's why you're in much better shape than I am. I'm surrounded.

And then I'm going to come up behind them, and I'm going to fucking kill them for you. Thank you. But first, it is Gormley's turn, who has potions. Man, this got out of hand. Well, you're going to take your potion. Or did you do that already? Yeah, but you're not going to be able to reach Lork,

because he's surrounded on either side by orcs. That guy that came up to you, Lork, by the way, is pulling out a greataxe. All right. Well, he knows what it feels like. Gormley's going to reload and fire a crossbow at the orc, the one that's changing its weapons. Okay.

Or you could put the potion in my mouth, and that way I could attack with more damage. That's a better move. Great. So I will do that. I will force the potion down Baron's boner throat. I believe you roll for it. A D8, right?

Force it down Baron's boner throw. I believe you roll for it. A d8, right? Force it down Baron's boner. Eight. Nine. Nine. Nice. So Baron marks that potion off. So Baron's laying down, but he is back. Nice roll, Matthew.

Good teamwork, guys. Lork, with your final ferocious move. Yeah, his final action in life is going to be to try to take out this guy that's fucking... Wait, sorry. Did you want to come into the building, or are you standing outside? Standing outside, still. Well, no, no.

I think you would have to come in to do that, though. Stand next to me, then, probably. All right. Lork's final attack. One. natural one. You fumbled again. Yes. So two fumbles in a row?

Yeah. I'm going to miss Joe on the podcast because he's about to burn. It's irrelevant. Off balance, you take a minus four penalty on all attack rolls for one round. So you have a negative three attack roll. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Actually, it does matter because I'm...

You come back. Well, I don't think I go down. But you're at zero. Well, here's what happened. I went to negative one, right? So I'm on Orc Ferocity. So I can still act as if disabled for another round. And then I got brought to zero, which made me actually disabled.

Does that undo the... Did I never use the Orc Ferocity? Because I never acted... That's just Ferocity zero. If he brought you to one, then you're fine. But zero or below, you're... So I drop. You drop to the ground.

Okay. Which is probably the best thing for you. But you're stabilized. You're stabilized. Yes. You're stabilized. But now they're... But because I used that extra burst of energy

to fucking throw myself off balance. That's an embarrassing show for Lork. Which, by the way, is the least of my concerns. Because I really think P's going to die. These guys have to not pay attention to him since he No, no, no. They're not gonna keep attacking a dead body. I sure hope not. Well, you just gave

Troy a great idea. Sorry, I gotta write that down. You're also not, because you dropped the guard based on our previous rules, Baron will not have the minus 4 to his attack. That's true. Also true. At this instant. That's also true. This is all pretty brutal.

Keep me alive so I can kill those people as quickly as possible. That's my goal. Speaking of keeping you alive, Baron's turn. Baron is going to hop up. Is that a move action, I'm guessing, getting up from prone? It is. It is. So I swift action, reload my weapon with an alchemical cartridge.

Fair enough. Then he's going to, up close and deadly, the orc that's now pulled out his greataxe. Okay. Okay. Who I affectionately refer to as two. 22 to hit. That's a hit.

Oh, please do some damage. Is he in any relation to two in the other building? 13 points. Oh, yes! Oh, N do some damage. Is he in any relation to two in the other building? 13 points. Oh, yes! Oh, Nellie! He is below zero. And the grit point regenerates itself. It's great, it's great.

Good job. Now, these guys, they see the fallen half-orc in front of them, which they consider to be half the man they are. And this one with the spike chain comes up and swings it at Gormley. Old Gormley McGorms-a-lot. McGorms-a-lot?

18. With mage armor, my AC is 18. Oh, man. Not too bad. Seven points of damage. That was the one that was with the woman in the back there that has the lowered AC.

And then the other one comes up, just totally clogging the doorway here, and swings. No, he can move and attack? He comes up and dies. Yes. Because he can only move? Correct. He starts to come up to attack, doesn't even realize.

Faints to the ground and dies. Yes. Nice. Nice. Thank you, Skid. Nice job. Thank you, Skid. Here to help.

All right. Nice try, Troy, you jerk. Sorry, sorry. Sorry, but thanks for keeping me honest. Galapagos. All right. jerk. Sorry, sorry. Sorry, but thanks for keeping me honest. Galabras. Alright. There's one guy left and he has a lowered AC. Meanwhile, you just see

Lork, eyes closed. And the woman, eyes closed. We're both bleeding out from splank chain wounds. Oh, she gets healed too by that channel. That's right. So if she was one hit point down, her eyes are still closed. Five and then one. I'm going to channel again. That's right. Yeah, so if she was one hit point down... Her eyes are still closed. Five and then one. I'm going to channel again.

Oh, that would be awesome. Love it. Love it. Come on, buddy. Okay, four. Alright. Thank you, ancient Rome. Nobody thanks them enough. Yeah, we owe them a lot. Calendars. They did rise as well. Sanitation. Aqueducts. Vomitoriums. The aquedendars. They did rise as well. Sanitation. Math. Road roads.

The aqueducts. They did not invent math. Gormley. There are Arabic numerals, for God's sakes. Gormley Gormlinson. Oh, you're healed, too. Yeah. So Gormley's going to.

So you take some of that, too, Lork, right? Oh, yeah. Lork's back up. He's not standing up, but he opens his eyes. Galabras' positive energy is washed over him he's like oh you look back in the fight you look over and you see the woman starting to open her eyes heck's the shit yeah we like look at each other we're both laying down and we like come to look at each other and it's thanks to galabras that's awesome hey raise the roof hey raise the roof. Hey, raise the roof. Is she?

I'm a virgin. Is she? I'm a virgin. No one cares that you're a virgin except for you. Gormley is going to reload her crossbow and fire point blank range at this work. Okay. Are you within five feet? Because isn't reloading going to do an attack of opportunity?

Oh, it does. So you need to make a. You need to get out of there. You should probably hex them then. Or take a five foot... I already hexed his AC, so that's down. Do you have a melee weapon? You're going to take a minus four. It's involved in melee. I have a dagger.

You could just do a full withdrawal. I'll do that. Full withdrawal. See ya. See ya. See ya. Iron Tusk. He's just like... the house. See ya. See ya. See ya. Iron Tusk. Oh, he's just like...

Stands up. Like the Terminator. I know. Stands up and he doesn't move to close on the guy because he doesn't want to let him know that he's there just yet.

So he just stands up and he gets his bearings so that he can act twice. This orc has its back to you. It just hit. You could see as you were opening your eyes, it just crushed Gormley with the spike chain. He'll stand up and he'll just move a little bit over

and shield the girl from the orc, basically. Get between the girl and the orc and just turn to her and be like, it's gonna be all right. And then turn back around and he'll wait until there's an opening to annihilate this guy. She looks at you in complete fear

because she thinks you're just as bad as them. Yeah. So she assumes you're gonna wake the killer. Oh, Lork can't do anything right. I said you're gonna be all right. Baron. Baron. Baron said. I love how're gonna be alright. Baron. Baron. Baron said.

I love how Troy is passing all of his inherent racism on to all NPCs. Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's just the world this game lives in. It's from Boston. Let's be cool.

From the Boston area. Be cool, my brothers. Baron. This guy has. Let's be cool. Be cool. Chill out. You ever tasted lead before, boy?

Oh. 17. That is a hit. Yeah. Oh, 18 actually. Is this up close and deadly? It is. 18's not a hit.

Oh, 18's not a hit. It's like the fucking British dartboard, which never made sense to me. The triples in the middle of the singles Eight points of damage It is below zero Just like the temperature in my pants I don't know what that means

It means it's ice cold Get your sperm count up Alright so this is This is Spikey McChain He swings the spike chain At Baron Misses and dies this is Spikey McChain. He swings the spike chain at Baron. Misses. And dies.

And dies. All right. Oh my god. Thank god. This house is clear. The woman's like, Carl! Carl, where's Carl?

Yeah, where's the guy? Is the guy in here? No, there's no other guy. Baron. Carl, where's my husband? And Megan? Where's Megan? I'll turn around and be like

Megan's alright We found her in the other house We protected her She's fine I don't understand what you're saying I don't speak your language Galabras this woman Only talks to white people

When you come up and hear Sorry Sorry I I never learned jive Stewardess I speak jive I speak jive I speak jive But where's my daughter My husband

They killed her So I calm her down And so I say Megan is fine We've made sure She's alright We saved her You didn't leave her alone

In one of these buildings nearby No no no We left a platoon Of trained soldiers With her Eunuchs Alright No, no, no, we left a platoon of trained soldiers with her. Eunuchs. All right.

Do you know where your husband might be? No, they came in and they took Megan away and they took Carl as well. He might be in the other house. Stay here. Stay safe. We will protect you. Okay. Keep it secret.

Thank you. Keep it safe. She's got like, blood is dripping. Like you can tell she was just whipped with the chain and she probably would have been next in the orc sex train. So yeah, there's one more building. All right. All right. Lorca's going to drink a cure light wounds potion.

Sugar. Let's get some healing here, please. Delabrous. You were just so supportive. You were just such a great support role in that battle. I'll be there for you when you drop below zero hit points. All right, I'm going to use the wand again. Can I get some of that?

Yeah, I'll hit and you're are you I'm pretty good actually okay I'm okay I'm at 13 oh you 13 of 17

okay so I'm at 10 of 20 I'll use it on I could take it it would actually help me get to full but well I might just you're at 13 of 17

but I'll just I'll use it on on lorik nice 8 oh awesome yeah so I'm at 18 of 23 right now do another hit I'll use it on Lorik. Nice. Eight. Oh, awesome. Yeah.

So I'm at 18 of 23 right now. Do another hit? Give it to me. Sweet, sweet juice. No, I'll sit on that for right now. God, this is dangerous, man. This is fucking dangerous. Yeah, when you're low level, it's like...

It's just that their weapons, they're so powerful. Their two hit isn't great. They can miss a lot, but when they hit... But if they do hit, or if you hit yourself... Oh! I mean, that's never good. That was so bad. Oh, by the way, just to

give a little glimpse behind the curtain, my new AC with the chain mail is 18, which is just solid. You know, second level, front line guy. I still have to roll to confirm. And I rolled a 12, and my plus was six. So I exactly hit myself with that crit. And if I wouldn't have, I would have just hit myself with regular damage,

would have been in the fight, would have been fine. It was exactly a hit. It's so funny. If you were a less skilled fighter, you wouldn't have hit yourself in the fight would have everyone been fine it was exactly a hit it's so funny like if you were a less skilled fighter you wouldn't have hit yourself in the face right exactly which is what it's a little well i think it's just to you know you got to come up with better flavor it's like oh you swung at him and he like deflected your axe into your neck or whatever you know it also makes it i love that it was a weapon that you just picked up off of a body and don't quite know how to use it. I'm much more proficient

with the long spear. Maybe you get a little cocky. I can handle any weapon. To the next building, I say. We've got to move in and find the father. Let's walk the mother out. Join her with her daughter. Join her with the daughter. The baby. Do you send them

off to the barricade? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the man, he can take care of himself to get there, but they should go together and run now. Yeah. Or do you want to house them up in a building and just be like, stay here, don't move?

I think we should send them to run. There's so many orcs running around. Well, no, there's a lot of orcs running around. What if they run into the middle Of some raiding orcs Yeah that's I think they should hang out Hang out in the house At least get them up

Hooked up with the dad If he's still alive And then we can Send them No we can send them back Maybe Okay so you You hold them up

In maybe the first building Yeah the first building Bring the mother back To Megan Put them together They embrace Yeah we'll tell them To bar the doors

And let no one inside And then we teach them The secret knock Embrace. We'll tell him to bar the doors and let no one inside. And then we teach him the secret knock. Orcs don't knock like that, so we'll be fine. Orcs would never be so ordered. All right, so you guys, you want to stealth up to the first building? Yeah, same thing. Same thing. I want to try it again.

I'll do it if he makes it. You walk past. Oh, yes, 17. To get to this other building again. It's these thin little. past. Oh, yes. 17. To get to this other building. Again, it's these thin little... 18. Oh, awesome. We're doing great with the stealth checks. My stealth isn't even high. I'm wearing chainmail. I'm a plus 4.

Gormley relents her crossbow while they do this. Oh, I'm going to gather all the crossbow bolts. Thanks. We had 10 extra from the guy at the well. You never found his crossbow. It the guy at the well but yeah you never found his crossbow it was probably in the well

um but you guys as you walk by you walk by this uh that crude cart that they were throwing stuff into

and you notice on your way that the cart's full of shit you might want to take a look at uh but you both it was like human feces

you both I don't want to look at that. Figurative. That's more Galabras' thing. Why are they looting the latrines? Curiouser and curious. Does that fit with your theory, Galabras? Your grand theory of all their plans?

It doesn't make sense at all. I'll have to rework the theory. There's a great artifact under the city. It's called sewage. You stealth up to the door, and no one comes out, and the door is closed. Perception check on the door for sounds. Okay. 15.

I, too, will roll. Ooh. That looks good. 15. I, too, will roll. Ooh. That looks good. 22. Yeah. You hear nothing. Nothing at all, huh? Oh, well.

All right, I would like to stealth the door open. Is that another stealth check? No, let your stealth. Do you want me to do it with a plus four instead of your plus one? I don't know. Lurk doesn't know what you rolled. You rolled a little higher than I did. And I want to stay in front. I have the higher AC. So you just quietly open the door.

Yeah. And you don't see any orcs. You just see a body in the back of the room. Oh, fuck. Alright, can I do a perception just for any other dangers in the room before I go walking in? Ooh, 25.

No, everything's turned over. The bed, the mattress is flipped up. It's already been looted. Yeah, the chest of jewels. They probably, I'm guessing they took out the guy and then they held the women and it's like, okay. And then they looted the house.

And they're like, okay, now let's have some fun. Well, I'm going to move to the body. Is it dead? Is it obviously dead? Should I do a heel check? He has what looks like an axe wound right through the middle of his head. Fuck. Those are usually fatal.

What was his name again? I'm a professional healer. Carl. Carl? Yeah. Carl. That's the name of Skid's dog? That's my dog's name.

Why'd you kill Carl, you bastard? Bastard! There's also a dead dog in the room. Carl! Oh my God! I'm not letting Courtney listen to this episode. No, it's just a dead human. Okay, just.

It's all right. It's only a dead man. It's's okay it's just a man whose head's been cleaved in by a great axe yeah he's dead and the house is empty the house is empty yeah okay um you see everything must be in that cart you know what you know what this uh you know this signifies this suggests a little weekend at bernie's scenario. Come on. No, no. I'll meet you there. I'll meet you there.

I'll meet you at the longhouse. I'll meet you at the longhouse. We're all pantomiming, like shaking our hand. I just have to pee first. Go ahead. Where's the sunglasses? We need the sunglasses. I just have to pee first.

Go ahead. Where's the sunglasses? We need the sunglasses. Is my 25 rolled over enough to see if there's anything of note in the room that would help us in this fight? I mean, they turned the room out, so I would assume there's nothing there. They're pimps? I turned this room out. The only thing you notice is there is a dish on the table that is still vibrating.

That's weird. Weird. Interesting. Are you going to stop that dish from vibrating? Yeah, I'll walk up to it and touch the dish. And you just... It stops. Well, it's not Captain America's shield.

Not that much. Huh. Is there something? It's made out of vibranium. Do I get the sense that that was like the rumbling of the ground is making it do that? Or that it was? Like you probably just missed it. They probably just peaced.

Busted out of it. Yeah. So should we run out to see if we can catch the people leading? Well, yeah. We should run to the house with the women. Also check the cart for loot. Also check the dead bodies we killed for loot. Is there loot anywhere else that I could check for? Yeah, I mean, I don't want to get into all...

I mean, to me, that's one of the biggest metagame things, is looting all the bodies but like you're in the middle of a battle alright so if Galabras wants to go talk to these people who clearly hate orcs now

while Baron and Lork yeah okay and the weirdo the fucking witch that's fine

I think I think nobody's better to break the news to them than Galabras he's got such a mild manner and they don't have to see the grim realities of what we're doing. And we are warriors and we understand what we're up against and what desperate times are calling for desperate measures.

So we have to go do the terrible shit. I'm a counselor. Like, that's part of my role. So I go and, like, pull up to the house in the long black car, take off my hat. and pull up to the house in the long black car, take off my hat. And they were like, oh, we were just thinking what we were going to tell Carl when we saw him.

He's dead, you stupid bitch. Your bedside manner is terrible. No, no, no, I'm sorry. Terrible. Sorry, I was reflexing. He's dead, you dumb bitch. He was like, guys, let me handle this. I'm trained in how to talk to people he's dead he's dead jim he's callous and misogynistic uh no no i i sit them down like calmly and

i can make a diplomacy check if you want me to no it's you can just role play it all right it's like i'm sorry and while these guys are like rooting through the. I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah, you see like all the stuff like flying. Carl had a great record collection. Barry's shoving it all in bags. Don't tell the wife. Guys, look, you had a big bag of money.

Look. There's going to be like 45 gold pieces in here. I'm going to get myself a new pair of boots. You might not see it this way, but I'm glad Carl's dead. I'm very, very sorry. But Carl is,

he was, he's no more. I'm very sorry. Desner will, we'll see him to the afterlife. He died protecting his family. I'm very sorry. They cry. You're safe now.

He would have wanted you safe. We're going to escort you. Oh, no, we're not. But we have cleared the way for you to go to the longhouse. You'll be safe there. Right? They cry their way out. Just broken.

Broken. You're seeing now firsthand the effects of this war. I mean, you've walked by bodies and stuff in the town square, children, elderly. But now, like, firsthand, you're having to experience this. It's kind of rough. Yeah. You fought the good fight, but it just, there's a lot happening.

Yeah, this is Galabras' first face-to-face encounter with this kind of bereavement. Last time, it was his first murder. Yeah. And now it's his first bereavement. Yeah, my first widow. Won't be your last. Yeah. And now it's his first bereavement. Yeah. My first widow. Won't be your last. Nope.

Meanwhile, you guys checking out the cart? Yeah. Roll a perception check, whoever's at the cart. Natty, 20. Ooh. So that's a 24.

22 for Lurk. Gormley knows carts. Gormley's also an artifact hunter, so if I can recognize an artifact, I have a 50% chance plus 1% per level that I would know its home, origin, and something of that artifact's powers, abilities, or dangers.

First of all, calm down. Second of all... No, there's a lot of stuff in there. I'll just kind of blast it out right now and you're not going to be like, oh, I'll take those eight falchions. But it's mostly full of food. But you guys notice

with your really good perception checks that there's also some other shit in there. There's three doses of armor ointment. Love it. There's a bundle of 20 tinder twigs, a golden birdcage, four bottles of fine wine, and a masterwork lute.

And you also see a masterwork flail, two orc double axes, half a dozen broken falchions, three suits of leather armor, heavy wooden shield, climber's kits, grappling hooks. Climber's kits will be very useful to us at some point. Yep. But it's, you know, there's a lot of shit in there. You obviously can't take all of it.

Like, let me take all six of those broken falchions. You never know. Let's take the climber's kits. And meanwhile, you guys kind of grab all this stuff together, and now looming above you is this guard tower that you see the door is off of its hinges, and the drums are beating more loudly than you've heard before. Da-dum-ba-ba-bum-ba-ba-bum-ba-ba-bum-ba-ba-bum-ba-ba-bum. And you just see a body of a guard fall out the broken door.

A body of what? Of Trunau's guards. Fuck. And we'll pick it up there next time. We're already done? That's it? Wasn't that the fastest? Jesus Christ.

Oh my God, jeez. Time flies when you're God damn it. killing orcs. When you're consoling Time flies when you're consoling widows. Yeah.

Time flies when you're rolling one after one after one. Next episode how many times will Lork hit himself with his battle axe? God damn it.

Find out next time. I'm out of here. See you Joe. Outro Music