The Glass Cannon Podcast - Giantslayer Episode 296 - Pig Spittle Flies

Episode Date: September 21, 2021

As one member of the party is removed from the fight, the orcs unleash a chimeric pig on the rest. For more podcasts and livestreams, visit glasscannonnetwork.com. To become an official member of the Naish, subscribe today at http://www.jointhenaish.com. Want to be a part of Glass Cannon Nation? Follow us at twitter.com/glasscannonpod instagram.com/theglasscannon facebook.com/glasscannonnetwork tiktok.com/@glasscannonnetwork Get the best apparel and gaming accessories in the biz at https://glasscannonnetwork.com/store If you enjoyed this, we have several other series featuring Call of Cthulhu - Time For Chaos Delta Green - Get in the Trunk Pathfinder 2E - Glass Cannon Live! Strange Aeons Pathfinder 1E - Legacy of the Ancients Traveller - Voyagers of the Jump and so much more! Join us every Thursday night for Campaign Two of The Glass Cannon Podcast – a playthrough of the Pathfinder 2E Gatewalkers Adventure Path! Videos premiere on YouTube Thursday nights at 8PM ET with a companion podcast available at midnight. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Last week on the Glass Cannon Podcast... A couple things happened. The heroes sprung their trap. Dead. Dead. I mean, all of these ones that just had falchions, they all instantly die. The lightning leaps from one to the next to the next to the next.

You just clear... Straight up kill them! But the porcine monstrosity escaped unharmed. It is a huge pig chimera looking creature. Oh, gross. It looks like that. Oh! It almost looks friendly.

Whoa. It's scaring me. It's like, hey, kids. And it's mighty gore. Oh, my God. 60 points of damage. Oof. And then it gets a free

push to knock you down the shaft. Could send them plummeting to their doom. It gores Nestor and Nestor just falls down the shaft and out of the combat! The adventure continues.

Oh, that's so bad. So bad. Now. Did any of you guys have a paper route growing up? I had a paper route. No, I enjoyed reading the paper when I was young. The obits? Mostly. No, that day-to-day hourly stuff is for suckers so i got in the stock

market early yeah well that's just smart they i think there it was frowned upon by the time i was old enough to do a paper route for kids to do paper routes because i think somebody had like there had been some case for whistleblower no some kid had been like a kid blew the whistle abducted or murdered or something horrible and so at that point it was just taken over by i i asked i was like can i have a paper route because i want to i want to make some money and my dad was like yeah they don't let kids do that anymore yeah those jobs all go to drifters now son all the same drifters that kidnapped and murdered right they did it for the job in my neighborhood it was a dad who drove his kid around in like a minivan he would throw him in the past that was normally mostly what it was yeah yeah maybe was this an adult who got up early

and just drove around and tossed the papers at the height of my uh my paper route days when i had a lot of customers on the weekend uh my mom would drive me around on sunday because the papers were this fucking thick uh was it the globe were you throwing the globe no it was the uh lawrence eagle tribune that just became the eagle tribune but the way it started was my neighbor growing up uh close friend of mine we just just because we're neighbors he had a paper route and he would always ask me we'd be playing all day going to the pool hanging out playing wiffle ball and then it would come to around two o'clock he's like i gotta go do to go do my route. Want to come with me? I'm like, no. Want to come with me? No. And then finally, give you 10 bucks to come with me and help me. I was like, all right. And it was like an hour walking around the neighborhood. And the summer is the worst. And I get 10 bucks. I was

like, that's pretty good. And then at a certain point, he's like, hey, you want to split the route with me? I'll give you half the money. And then I'll take half the money. You do half the route. I'll do half. And then we'll be done done and we can get back to playing i was like all right i'm in and then eventually we became close with the district manager and the district manager came to me one day and my mom and i was like uh your buddy is they're not paying us what they owe so we want to take the route away from him would you like to have it and i was like all right so i took the route i took it over and then i had the route and then i grew it into a so wait this was your first instance of like backstabbing a business partner the first opportunity you got but it was

like uh who's the king solomon it was like nobody was going to have the route you know they were just going to kill the route and give it to someone else. Classic Spanish prisoner dilemma. So I took the route. I took the route. I took the route. What did he say? Was he like, thanks for getting that off my back? Or was he like, I'll never speak to you again.

I think he was like, my mom was taking the money. You take the route. She needed it for gardens of Virginia slits. He was kicking up. I can't remember what the circumstances were, but it was a weird thing. I may have even asked him like, dude, they're going to take the road. You mind if I take it?

All right. He was done with it anyways, but it was a nice chunk of change. And then I, I mean, it would take me over an hour and a half at some point to do this route. And sometimes I'd walk it. Sometimes I'd use my bike, but on Sundays I'd have to come back to the house 10 times because I could only fit three of the fucking papers in my bag tied to the end of my bike anyways it was fun that's why i think i like being alone because i spent all that time as a kid every day just being alone with my thoughts

talking to myself well now here's the real trippy moment it was the eagle tribune formerly the lawrence eagle tribune it was isn't that the paper that joe's character wrote for in call of cthulhu well you know when joe mentioned that i was like you know there's a real paper called because you cut the lawrence eagle daily is what you said lawrence daily eagle yeah and i said well the real paper is the lawrence eagle tribune if you want to use that and you gave me a reason why you're like no i want to do lawrence eagle daily here it used to what was called that oh is that before it came back in like the late 1800s and early 1990s in like the 30s it used to it was called that oh that was before it became back in like the late 1800s in the early 1990s in like the 30s it changed to the lawrence daily tribune so joe and what but i

just liked the daily tribune sounded much more like regular modern than like the daily eagle to me that sounded perfect yeah it's a good time historically inaccurate but you'd make bank at christmas tips oh yeah yeah yeah you know the rest of the week you know there's some people didn't tip. Some people never paid on time. It was awful. I just stopped giving them their paper. And then they'd call and complain that they didn't get their paper.

And I'm like, wait, you didn't pay for it. And the office would be like, you've got to give them their paper. But then you get nice little tips. You'd make a good gig. But now you're telling me the kids don't do it. I mean, maybe they've gone back to doing it. You should read Paper Girls, Brian Vaughn. Oh, yeah.

I'm not going to. That's great. I played a lot of Paper Boy on the NES. Boy, was that hard. I liked it in the arcade. Yeah, arcade. With the handlebars, right? Yeah.

And the song, the music is like some of the best video game music ever. Joe, are you filing your taxes over there? What are you doing? I'm filing glass cannon taxes because we are just constantly, nonstop, tax-carded by states. Every state we do a live show in. It's just like, comes after us.

Nickel and diamond! For years. For years. Gross. It's gross. Comes after us. They come after us. And I was saying this to you earlier. Grateful that we're coming. It's gross. Comes after us. They come after us. And I was saying this to you earlier.

Grateful that we're coming. It makes me so angry. Because basically what they do is they're like, these guys, they already paid us, but you know what we'll do? We'll just say they didn't. And we'll send them a check or a bill. And what are they going to do? Go up against the Commonwealth of Massachusetts

with their team of lawyers? It'll cost them quadruple what we're charging them here. They'll just pay us. Oh, we talked about this earlier. We got a bill for 900 bucks that we know that we paid, and we couldn't dispute it because if we went to a lawyer to dispute it, the lawyer would be like, we took care of it. You don't owe that 900 bucks.

That'll be $1,500. Right, exactly. None of us. God, they're all working together. They are. They're all in audits together. I sound like a bunch of old men. I hate a caho old men i hate it

well paper i was good it was a good time what was your first job matthew yeah what was yours my very i mean i helped out of my dad's shop a little bit that doesn't really count and then i was spinning foo yodel no way what was that that was that was what was that oh that was later well you're thinking oh that's that was like i that oh that was later well you're thinking that's that was like i was in college at that point you were the olive oil boy charged stamping on olives in the back yes that's how they that's how they do it till oil came out i was a crazy little toad child i was a sub at a pool like a pool club at the snack bar so i would so not the official one no well because i knew a guy i knew

the guy who did it it's the same kind of thing he was like hey can you come in and sit at the snack bar but then i was like i was the new the new person so they didn't even let me do the snack bar they put me out at like check-in they hazed you i had to sit out and sit out in the sun and just check people in um and then i worked at the front desk of ymca oh was that that was i was in high school i also worked at a place uh that was uh in every way shape and form very similar to the uh build a bear phenomenon oh wow yeah but it was uh it was uh it was not build a bear it was i don't know if there was some sort of uh legal proceedings initiated over that but i was it raccoons or something no it was bears but it just was and you built them but you didn't they didn't call it that did any older employees mistake

you for one of the bears because of your size and hairiness no there's an otter did you like oh i'm sorry i didn't know you were sitting down i was about to shove you in a box i had a bunch of jobs did you like that job job? Which job? The Build-A-Bear, not Build-A-Bear job? Not really. My sister worked at Build-A-Bear. And I'm convinced to this day, like, it was the moment everything changed for her. And she just, like, no longer trusted or liked human beings. I mean, it was just kids.

It was just kids. It wasn't even kids. It was just the parents. Yeah, I can see that. They were horrific to the people that worked at those stores. And they got minimum wage to do all this ludicrous work. And they had to, like, be at the beck and call of these people that felt so empowered to build their bear. Yeah, exactly.

The owner was pretty good. And I think she paid just a little more than minimum wage. And we did a lot of parties. So, we usually got tipped out for the parties. That's fine. And then I did, you know, I waited here and there. Cater waited. You know, I had a bunch of parties so we usually got tipped out for the parties that's fun and then i did you know i waited here and there catered you know it was a bunch of odd jobs when i was a teenager joe what was your first job first job uh was i was an assistant mechanic slash gas pumper at uh a mechanic shop slash gas station how old were you 12 14 so you're

just a freeloader until then um a freeloader until well yeah i guess i was i was a freeloader until then yeah well you couldn't officially i mean you had to get your working papers like yeah yeah like papers please like you couldn't work if you were under 16 and so i was uh this was all under the table like what i missed it there papers please papers please uh i got uh yeah i got paid under the table i got paid cash paid cash at the mechanic shop yeah oh what were they doing with all that cash lying around that's right no paper trail yeah i'll tell you what the owner was doing and he was a cool dude and i liked him a lot going golfing with the company cash like he wasn't a

bad guy he just uh it was he was cool but yeah when you're in a cash business like that i mean he would just pay me cash and it was so awesome now that i think about it now like as a business owner i'm so terrified yeah of paying anyone a dollar and he's like where's the receipt where's the receipt where's the receipt it's like this guy's just like now i know where now i know where your receipt hesitancy comes from. My complete lack of care about tracking business expenses. Would have been fun if they paid you with like an envelope full of grated Parmesan. Here you are, sir. It's what you requested.

Grated Parmesan. Did I ever tell you this story? When after Sandy, the company I was working for, a lot of people, they got hit bad. Some people lost their homes entirely and so they were doing this thing with like for the like two weeks after sandy after we could get back into the office they were uh doing hot they wanted to do a hot breakfast and hot lunch every day for the whole company they spent an ungodly amount of money on that and one day like one day i ordered like pizzas for the whole company and i was doing all the food service so i was just like my i maxed out my company credit card ordering food that week uh but they sent so they said we ordered like i mean

it was like 100 pizzas or something crazy and they like we call ahead they were fine they were cool to do it they were happy to do it and they sent over a bunch of this like the hot pepper flake and everything but they sent them in mass quantities so they just sent like a 10 gallon bag it wasn't 10 gallon but it was like a multiple gallon bag of grated parmesan cheese i was just like i've died and gone to heaven you should give it a joey would look like he was in scarface grant first job first job was in grassroots environmental organizing how old were you 17 another freeloader until 17 17 what did you do the summer when you were 16 you still got an allowance played a lot of video games uh but that that year i turned 17

my dad just was like you're not cute at all anymore son you gotta get out in the hot sun and i went door to door and uh i would if someone opened the door i'd say hello i'm from texas campaign from the environment and i would educate people on current issues affecting the state And I would, if someone opened the door, I'd say, hello, I'm from Texas Campaign for the Environment. And I would educate people on current issues affecting the state negatively and have them contribute if they wanted to. And at the very least, write letters to corporate, federal, and state and local governments to change laws. They stopped a loophole that required like old factories to install newer grade, what was it uh modern pollution control systems they required uh companies that manufacture computers to take back the waste and recycle it in the state it was a cool thing texas campaign for the environment there it is and you accidentally said loophole funny in a way that made it sound like it rhymed with a rupaul that was fun drag race is always on

my mind troy that's probably what he loves it he loves that loophole's drag race skid first job uh candy striper no first job was i i filled in my friend peter lund uh one on vacation he was a dishwasher yeah and uh he let me fill in yeah he had set me up to fill in for him for two weeks what a pal yeah that was it's a horrible job it's horrible it's also a horrible first job if you've never worked before and they throw you in a really busy kitchen washing dishes i still have nightmares i also wake up in a cold smelly sweat just thinking about that fucking that two weeks from the worst two weeks you know who else's first job was a dishwasher who dwayne the rock johnson oh well there we go that's gotta be rough as your first job like is

this what work is yeah is this what we're supposed to be like this is horrible i was like i just i was terrified the entire time i couldn't understand what anybody was saying they're throwing throwing dirty dishes they're just like throwing piles of like disgusting dishes at me. Just throwing piles of disgusting dishes at me. It's so loud. It's super loud. And if you get caught with the water, it's searing, searing hot. It's crazy hot and steamy. And I'm the only dishwasher. You're always covered in grease and water.

Yeah, it's just that food stench on me all the time. It was awful. But I did save up enough money to get a Sega Genesis. Wow. It was worth it. And my dad yelled at me. He was like, you saved that money for a car? I was like, oh, you want me to buy a $200 car? Why don't you shoot me in the face right now?

I've got a game where I get to drive a car. It's Rad Racer. Exactly. What kind of restaurant was it? The restaurant was named Port La France in the Bonnie Bray neighborhood of Denver. It was like a French bistro type thing. The restaurant was named Pour la France in the Bonnie Bray neighborhood of Denver. It was like a French bistro type thing. The restaurant is gone

although there is a franchise of it in the Denver International Airport now if you go there. I think Terminal B. You can go into a version of the hell

that was my life for two weeks. Sounds like the next episode of Franchise Fangos. There we go. If we ever do a Glass Cannon Live in Denver, we all must go.

We will eat at Pour laFrance at the airport. And then we'll go wash our dishes. And we will leave an extra tip for the if-ra-cha. Thank you. Please give this to you. We have a machine that does that now. What are you talking about? But then I worked at McDonald's for a little while, and that was almost as bad.

And then I just stopped going. I didn't even quit. I just stopped. I still have the uniform. And my second job was Blockbuster, which I then did again during college, the one right near BC. And then after that, I worked at an ice cream stand,

which was owned by John Cena's parents. Right. So I knew a young, pre-WWE John Cena. And you said he was really nice, right? Nicest guy. I don't want to say anything about it.

Some members of his family who weren't as cool. Because he'll track you down and beat the living shit out of you. You know, he's the guy that you would think would just be the biggest asshole in the world. He's like the most popular kid at school. He had like a bodybuilder's body at 17. And he was the nicest, most down-to-earth kid. I remember when he came to the stand, it was just like salt of the earth. He just got married.

He did? Yeah, after a breakup from one of the the wrestling fellow twins yeah yeah congrats to john cena congrats to john cena i wonder who'll be washing the dishes at his wedding that was my segue i got nothing uh let's talk about nester's dish which just got washed as he fell 3 000 feet to the bottom of the shaft now i was told that i don't need to calculate the damage because nester has something that stops all pain no not quite boots of the cat mates if you remember i don't from book uh four i think or something when he intentionally like jumps oh it was the uh the Wyvern's Nest or whatever. And you're like, watch this!

And he jumps and is like, oh, I'm fine. So the way they work, whoever is wearing them will automatically take the minimum amount of possible damage, so one on every die assumed, and lands on their feet. Wow. Alright. Give yourself 7 points of damage.

See, this was my plan i was going to take the aoo unload and then and give him the fucking finger and fall backwards into the shaft and then i'll be like oh what and this is oh bitch of the cat but it was ruined it was ruined uh troy i well i said when we went off the air that's just fine He took that 60, I think it was 60 points of damage. Now another seven. I knew that the fall wasn't going to kill him. I forgot about Boots of the Cat. But the difficult thing is here, he is out of the combat. I mean, he is now at least 50 feet, excuse me, 70 feet below you. And it's you got to climb up a ladder. That's a DC 10 climb check, which is automatic for him, but it slows his rate to get back into the fight.

So this was a fight that was totally in hand, and now you just lost one of your primary damage dealers. Baron's always a misfire away from being out of it, and you have to rely on Joe O'Brien's rolls, which no one wants to do. Let's pick it right back up with the combat. So that was Nestor's turn. Thank God I still have my initiative thing here. Sometimes they just disappear.

And speak of the devil, it's Sir Will's turn. Sir Will, you are flanked by a beefy looking orc and a less beefy looking orc. Although on roll 20, they look both equally beefy looking orc and a less beefy looking orc. Although on roll 20 they look both equally beefy. Very similar. This might seem like a strange turn, but I feel like I have to do it. Oh, boy. All right, so Sir Will is going to provoke attacks of opportunity. For both of them.

As he gets out of there. He's just like, you fools, can't you see you're defeated? Give up now and we may spare your lives. I have no time for you now. He's got his eyes set on this boar creature. And he doesn't quite know that Nestor's knocked out yet. And he wants to try to take its attention at least away from Baron for the moment, and possibly Nestor. So

he's going to start moving, and he's going to kick Lexington into motion. Alright, the one with the falchion swings out at you and misses with a 17, and then the badass-looking one with the orc double axe

swings out and misses with a 17. Great. So the orc... Off his armor as he goes. He's going to come around and I'm actually going to spend a standard action here eyeing up this creature and trying to get a sense of where it's coming from and what its deal is by casting Detect Evil. I want to see if this thing is evil because I'm getting at the point now where these are the final Smite Evils of the day.

So I have to be wary. All right, so you Detect Evil on this big, giant pig creature. I'm going to see if there's any chance that it reaches beyond that, but I don't think it will. No. So just this creature. I'm going to see if there's any chance that it reaches beyond that, but I don't think it will. No. So just this creature. It is not evil. Nah, I thought so. Baron! It's going to be resistant to my attacks!

You must take it out! For Highbury! For Highbury. So happy. I'll deal with these two. Then he points back to the orcs that he just left who are obviously going to go and attack you but he will go back and attack them if you can try to fucking take this thing out and metro overhears this too obviously okay oh i overhear it do i yeah why don't i just chop the liver uh i have a feeling that if all goes well i think this guy's

gonna come at me. He'll probably knock me off of Lexington. But we'll just deal with it as we go. We just got to shoot him to death. While you're analyzing that creature for evil and you come up with nothing, is there any chance you have a relevant knowledge check that could determine what it is? Nah, dude. All right.

Sir Will is not, dude. He's not an educated young man. He's a fighter. He's a knight. I would like you all to know that I've already picked out my order for four lefrons oh what are you getting what are you getting i'll tell you now i'm going to get the french onion soup oh that was a specialty that was the french onion soup was their specialty that must have been held to clean though the cheese must have gotten stuck yeah that was a huge pain in the ass. And I'm not going to attempt to...

Oh, the crocks, yeah. Oh, yeah, the dishwasher. I'll tip extra for that. And I'm not going to attempt to pronounce this in French, but I'm going to get the rainbow trout provençal with ratatouille and an olive tapenade. Oh, hell yeah. Sounds delicious.

Here's something that will make you never want to eat French onion soup again. I used to work at a restaurant where someone at the table found half a mouse in their French onion soup. yes was the kitchen staff just fucking around did it eat the other half before it discovered it or it thought that it was just like drenched bread and it was half of a mouse half a mouse went in its mouth that's horrifying i have not eaten french onion soup to this day because i'm always assuming that there's a mouse in there. I kind of just never want to eat at a restaurant again after hearing that. Yeah, we still think it was the kitchen staff just fucking around. Watch this.

Here's a question. Outside of that, is saying I like French onion soup stupid? Is that like saying I like ice cream? Does everybody like French onion soup? No, no. Okay. Because I love it and i just assume everybody likes it's really good it's pretty basic

but it is delicious no no i know it's i'm saying does everybody think it's delicious is it obvious no i wouldn't no i would not never assume that i think it's in the caesar salad lane of delicious it's a strong flavor that is amazing if you like it but if you don't a lot of people just don't like onion i

don't yeah that's true i love i don't i don't love onion, but I do love an onion soup. It's so mild when it's cooked that long. All right, it is this dude's turn who was... Let's go to Denver! Yes! One of the orcs who went up there

with the general, he starts making his way down behind the warthog, and he's just going to move and not attack, and then it is Metra's turn. Okay. Baron currently has an X across his pawn. I'm assuming he's not dead. He's dead.

Boy, that changes the... Oh, I see. He was standing on top of a dead body, which I've now he's not dead. He's dead. Boy, that changes the... Oh, I see. He was standing on top of a dead body, which I've now removed from the board. If that would make it impossible for you to answer the question, Matthew, pull it from the board. Well done, Grant. Nice. That's good.

Well, the real question is, can I get the warthog and... No, I cannot get the warthog and... No, I cannot get the Warthog and these two orcs and not Baron Orrister Will. With an AoE spell, so I'm just going to have to focus my fire on

one of them. So, I am going to cast a spell. That spell... Yes, I am. Will be known as... cast a spell. That spell You're stalling. Yes, I am. will be known as

That spell from the Pathfinder core rulebook. Yes. In the Pathfinder game, it's known as the following name. You're a jerk. Disintegrate on the Warthog.

Oh, that's mean. It's neutral. So he just knocked Nestor down a fire pit. He fucked me up. Yeah, that was rude. So Metro is going to fly up to the north,

loop around the long way, and then she's going to level her finger at the Warthog and try to hit you with this disintegrate spell. Range touch. Oh, I hope you fumble. That'd be so fun

it would be fun for you yeah crit uh that's gonna be a 24 against touch yeah big old target it's a huge chimera warthog yes um now i gotta roll save fortitude fortitude ah fuck 33 You got it. Okay, so you are going to take 5d6, I believe. Okay. Let me just use my Google Roller. Disintegrate! There's no bigger disparity in a non-save-or-suck spell from the spell where you make the save versus don't make the save than disintegrate.

Okay, you take 19 points of damage, but you take all of it. I take all of it. Give it all to me. So I imagine if you pass on disintegrate, you're still taking away chunks of it. So like chunks of it are just gone. Yeah. And then magically he's not bleeding to death.

I am going to use my quick and metamagic route to do one more thing, though. Oh, how convenient. Let me just make sure this can work. Yes, it can. So I'm going to fireball and I can get the warthog, I can get the orc that's standing right next

to him, and I can get the general who's hiding in the back. Wow. That is a very... What kind of range you got on that ball? Very convenient use. I got crazy range on it, but I got to get a 20-foot radius. So if I hit that spot where the arrow hits, I can catch all three of them. Hell yeah, bruh. All right, what do you need?

Some reflex saves? Reflex saves. All right, let's start with the... Oh! That's... Just the explosion. The general rolled a 24. Okay, that passes.

This poor sap, which failed so badly. The little guy who's standing next to the... This is a creature I'll let you know right now. It's called a potreal. Potreal. Wow, never heard of that. And then the potreal rolled a 28. Okay, that passes as well. Okay.

So for the one who failed, that's 46 points of damage. Nice. Well, his life is over. Oh, good. It's 23 points of damage to the Piotril and to the general as well. Nice. All right. Looks like it all goes through on the Piotril.

And just to give you an adequate assessment, it does look like it all went through on the general as well. Great. Should have went to the general. Okay. That was Metra's turn. Speak of the devil! It's my general's turn!

He is upset. Metra's raining down spells, quickening metamagic wands. Baron's got a gun. That does have to be really upsetting. You command a battalion who all wield, like, falchions

and this guy walks in with a gun. Does anybody speak orc? I was looking that up before. No. No one speaks orc. Speaks giant. Lord spoke orc. It's on No. No one speaks orc. Speaks giant. I do. Lord spoke orc.

It's on my list. Lord spoke orc. So Baron. No, I do. Nestor does. Baron and Nestor. Yeah. Okay.

Good to know. Jafis, what do I want to do here? This is so fucking tricky. Metro, you're just floating around up there, right? About 30 feet in the air. 30 feet in the air. I don't like your tone, the way you answered that question. It's kind of rude, Matt.

Yeah. He's trying to run the game. Could have answered it differently. That's all I'm going to say. What should I have said? Yes. I was giving you more information. That's all you had to say.

You'd be like, 30 feet away. Do you want to try something? There's a range of 30. That's what you were trying to say. I heard it. With the smug satisfaction of someone who just ordered a French onion soup. Smug satisfaction. Half a build of hair inside of it.

Some soup. Some soup. You're 30 feet in the air. Okay. I'm basically over the table. I'm hovering over the table over the remains of their dinner that we so rudely interrupted. Are you saying if someone was standing on the table, they'd be in range to hit you with a melee weapon? I don't know.

How tall is the table? Whoa. Maybe. 26 feet. The table I had to jump over was 26 feet high. That was really impressive acrobatics. I would love to have seen. You rolled really high.

I believe you told him it was an easy acrobatics joke. Well, for him. For him. I think Baron's going to retire and join the Harlem Globetrotters after this. That was incredible. Having a dwarven gunslinger on the Harlem Globetrotters would be fairly on brand, I think. It'd be amazing. I'd go right now.

Farts. Just shooting Washington generals. I saw Hannibal Burress once. I think I talked about this, but he told a Gilbert Arenas joke. Oh, yeah. He's like, man, because Gilbert Arenas got...

He took a gun into the locker room. He's like, why would you bring a gun into an NTA locker room? I don't know what to say. He's like, hey, guys, I think I thought of a new way to stop Kobe Bryant. Oh, that's so good.

All right. Here's what's gonna happen the general I keep calling him the general he is going to step up 30 feet in the direction of y'all and he is going to go into total defense he's got this huge heavy steel shield of y'all.

And he is going to go into total defense. He's got this huge heavy steel shield and he just goes total defense. You just totally did that Dark Soul style. Or Demon Soul style. Oh, yeah. The shield, the tower knight. Tower shield.

Yeah, so he moves right up behind one of the dead bodies kicks it out of the way or like slams the shield right on its arm and severs the arm of the dead or uh creating a bit of a tough target for say a gunman and now it is the potrille's turn And it's coming for Sir Will. Come at me, creature! It comes running at Sir Will. Holds its lance up in the air. Faces it straight on. It runs right over you to trample you and Lexington.

No! And it has an ability that will not allow you to take an attack of opportunity because it has improved overrun so instead it will just go over you and all you can do is a reflex save for half damage as it charges towards you all the ground behind it turns into difficult terrain from thunderous charge it just like rips ripples ripples the ground basically in a way that the ground keeps rippling for one round and creates all difficult terrain. It breaks the tiles on the ground.

The only reason I say it's a ripple is because it only lasts for one round so it's no longer difficult terrain after this. It runs towards Sir Willamette. That's actually going to make it hard for Sir Willamette to get away from it. Give me that hopefully failed reflex save. Here it comes. Come on that hopefully failed reflex save. Here comes

come on, so we limit out of the box. That was a good roll too. Natural 20. So it's the blessings of Iomite. Do you have evasion? Should I even roll this? Yeah.

Now, who rolled the natural 20? That was Sir Will What did Lexington roll Natural 20 It was the same time It's amazing It's amazing Oh come on Lexington

He took it Took it right in the face 18 Horrifically bad roll. Okay. It's only going to be 24 points of damage to Lexington and 12 to Sir Will unless you have... Evasion.

I do not have evasion. So 24 to Lexington, 12 to Sir Willemans. Yeah, the path of its charge is considered difficult to range until the start of the Poetrials' next turn. I'm looking, I zoomed out on the map, and I see that we're actually really close to that ceremonial entrance hall. So you've got to believe this is like the dining room where they host dignitaries. Feast their guests.

Does any one of you have Tremorsense? We had a magical item that provided Tremorsor sense but i believe we have since sold it and moved on i'm looking at my uh list of magical items i wonder if the the belts that i had oh yeah what's in the the the belt of the earth or something yeah yeah i wonder if that had it didn't that provide earth glide too it did it was a that earth elemental something it was i would have to turn into an earth elemental but yeah then okay so no one has trevor sense it's always activated no okay good um so yeah i'm just making sure that's all that it can do on its turn here uh and it is and so just to clarify sir will everywhere from where it was to where it to you are is difficult terrain right now.

Straight through your John. Okay. I'll go ahead and put it on the map for you. But in the meantime, it is the one. Actually, no, he's dead. He's dead. Zed's dead. Zed's dead, baby.

All right. This dude here that was flanking Sir Will to the north, he's the non-beefy looking orc. It's his turn. He is going to come right up on Baron and swing a falchion at him. Give me your best shot, punk. Probably going to have to be a natural

20, even though falchions crit on 18 to 20, I don't think an 18 or a 19 will hit you. And man, that would have been nice. But no, he misses with a 22, and Falchion just swings out at Baron and bang off Baron's armor. And let's just take a look at the battlefield here. So as we round out the round here,

Nestor is pretty much out of the fight for right now. We'll see how fast he can move. Maybe he has something up his sleeve. There is one of these beefy-looking guys left. There is one guy that just swung a falchion at Baron, and there is the crazy warthog, and then there's the general who just went into total defense

behind his heavy steel shield. And now it's the top of the new round, and it's Baron's turn. There's an orc right behind you. What do you do? So in the madness of all this battle, he's seeing a lot of movement around him. He sees the giant warthog.

Patchouli, what's it called? Potriol. Potriol. Patchouli? Patchouli. It's a delicious patchouli. He wants to identify that potriol before making any actions.

What knowledge roll? I give you Dungeoneering, Engineering, Nature. Um, he wants to identify that potrille before making any actions. Okay. What knowledge roll? I give you Dungeoneering, Engineering, Nature. It's probably Arcana. I think it is Arcana. Sure, I think it's Magical Beast. Yes, it's Chimera related. Della, I need your help.

When you get a chance, let me know what that thing is. She's not here. That was painful for me. Nah! He's still calling out to her all these months later. God! Della, what are you doing? Why would you keep bringing it up later I keep shouting the name of her dead daughter I used to have a pistol

named after your daughter too I'm so confused all of a sudden Metro's right next to you and she's like grasps your shoulder she's like I miss her too I call out her name in the night as well can we have a cry break real quick let's hold each other Baron will do a full attack action incurring an

attack of opportunity i guess from falchion man yep we'll have to get on that 20 oh man critical threat uh but a 22 to hit nope uh here comes the first attack against said same orc rapid shot i'm gonna get up close and deadly spend some grit too um that will be a 28 to hit. Oh yeah. Oh Jesus, come on. That is going to be 34 points of damage on the first attack against him. Dude comes up, swings the falchion, hits you, it's a perfect hit, goes right off your armor. You go to fire your gun, it provokes

an attack, he swings again, hits you with an even better hit, does no damage because of your armor. And then you just fucking put the gun in his mouth at point blank range. Bah! Bah! He just sits down. And he's dead.

Say hello to Sauron for me. Beren stabs his foot southwards towards the next orc into the skull of the orc he just killed and fires off at him with another up close and deadly. Here it comes. Baron shooting orcs. This is classic GCP right here. This really brings you back.

So nostalgic right now. This is awesome. 23 to hit. Now question, is this the one that was flanking Sir Will or the one in total defense? The one that was flanking Sir Will. Okay, in total defense? The one that was flanking Sir Will. Okay, you said 23 to hit? Yep. Against Touch?

Yes. That is it. All right. That is going to be 41 points of damage. Whoa. Yikes. And is he still standing? Oh, yeah.

One more attack against Tam. Cracked freaking die against Tam. We'll be at 22 against Touch AC. 22 against Touch the Hit. That is going to be for... Ooh! 42 points of damage. Oh, same!

Wow. Still up? Jeez. Still up. Burning through my grit. Let me mark that off so I'm accurate. Final attack will not use up close and deadly to conserve some of that precious, precious grit. Final attack against him is going to be a 19 against touch AC.

19 against touch is a hit. Okay. Ooh, GCP on the die. That's six and a max damage on the damage die. Okay. on the die. That's six max damage on the damage die. Okay, that's going to be for 46 points of damage. 46 points of damage brings him

below his con. Yeah! Of course it does! And his name is John C! That is so amazing. Yes. It would have been his turn.

Darren turns towards the general and says, you can't see me, mother. Well, that guy falls. Now all that's left is the general and the poach reel. It goes to Nestor's turn. Nestor, you're 70 feet away from the battle down this ladder that you've got to move up slowly with climb checks. Do you just start your way up, or do you take out a cigarette? No. Yeah, so Nestor, like, lands on his feet at the base of the shaft.

That must look great. If the camera shot was on the empty fireplace. Yeah, it's like, ah! he's sick and he just he turns right to the ladder he said i'll have you you fucking pig and he starts double uh accelerated climbing um so it's uh what what it's dc10 right yeah dc10 okay so i need a four better uh four okay four so i got it and i'm going to use slayers advanced so i'm going to use an additional move action so i get 45 feet up the ladder 45 feet up the ladder all right so soon yeah you're another accelerated climb from being back in the fight that's like olymp rock climbing speed. That's amazing. Yeah, yeah. He's like, now he's mad. So he's just like moving with like crazy determined speed.

It is Sir Will's turn. Two enemies left. You guys have made mincemeat of the other orcs in here. What do you do? Tough position here for you against a very strong combatant. Tough position against a very strong combatant tough position against a very strong combatant yep yeah you're right uh but you know what he's just gonna hold it off and buy a time um by everyone else time he'll just uh take a five foot step center it a little bit uh he will, uh, let's see. He will drop his lance, draw his sword.

Nope, no he won't, no he won't. He's just going to hold the lance, and he is going to, um, basically stall the creature. So he's going to take a five foot step. The creature is now backed up against the wall, and Sir Will is between him and the entire room and all of Sir Will's allies. And he just knows Baron is coming and he just looks across at the creature and he's like, foul beast. You'll be dead in moments. And he's just going to hold it down and go total defense. Total defense.

Metra. The general needs to roll a reflex save. Okay. Uh, pretty good roll. I'm going to switch to one of the 14 combatants in here. Uh, that is going to be a 23. All right, he passes. A hungry pit appears beneath his feet. Oh, you're in your pit.

Uh, okay. All right, so a hungry pit, uh, appears beneath him, and he jumps to the side. But if he ends his round on that... Actually, I can move right there. If he ends his round in that space, he'll have to roll to see if he falls in. Yes. And Metro is going to loop around back to the west, kind of still in the air, between kind of equidistant from the Warthog and from General.

It's just so crazy thinking about Metra, like flying around like the angel of death. Yes. Flying over this battlefield, just like casting down incredible, magical death on everybody. So it's awesome i was just i want i we we really made this general day really terrible and i was like what would make his day even worse it's a fall into an interdimensional pit that tries to eat it's so funny i know a real bummer if you talk to somebody like you try to ask for their autograph during dinner it might ruin their night but you did something even worse yes yes it was worse than killed all his friends

with lightning it is the general's turn the general is going to delay uh and uh free action yell out uh to the pig and then the pig will do a full attack on Sir Will. Neon green. Oh, boy. Four attacks. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. First comes the gore. Oh, terrible roll. 31.

Miss. Miss. Defended gore. Bang! Stay seated on his mount. The gore is the 48 plus 34 damage. So then the hooves. First hoove.

Okay, that's probably going to hit with a 41. Yeah, that hits. All right, so that does 22 points of damage. And then the next one is a 34. Miss. Miss with a 34. Miss! And then a tail slap comes around 27.

Yeah! Oh, but that one got me, though. The general sees this, sees all of these orcs dead, realizes that the potrille can do no damage. He can't beat a halfling. On a wolf. Magical wolf. And the general steps forward so as to not fall into the pit. And looks directly at Baron.

A momentary detente, if you will. Whoa. In orcas or in common? He says it in common. Were you ever stationed at Red Lake Fort? I was not, but some of them were. Who are you? Cretans who crawl through sacred doors,

entering battle like cowards without knowing their enemy seem like those who don't belong. Identify yourself! Baron shoots him in the face. I have that as a feat now. I get to shoot people during their speeches. It's great. Everyone should get that feat.

Especially the way I run. There's so much time. It's wasted. I'm the chief defender of True Now and these three are champions of the small folk of the world. You should be fighting against these damn giants. They ain't got nothing but you but slow deaths. We're doing a mercy to you by killing you

quickly. I am General Numerak of the Black Sun. We trace our lineage back to the great warlord, Belkson himself. His blood flows through me. These others who lied dead before you represented many of the tribes of the holds of Belkson. Before you lie the dead warriors and servants of the closed fist, the empty hand,

the dead eye, the skull eaters, the twisted nails. The twisted nails! We came here to broker a partnership with the Storm Tyrant. We are, or were,

his honored guests. This po-treel you see before you was his gift to us. And she's hungry. So let me ask you a question. After all, you must be wise if you can skulk about this flying fortress unnoticed. Should we just continue to kill each other for no reason, or should we talk? What do you suggest is the means of negotiation? Should we just continue to kill each other for no reason, or should we talk? What do you suggest as a means of negotiation?

Let me free! And I will take the potrille, tame, and not attack you further. You may kill me, but it will take out one of yours. Your halfling friend got lucky. There are only two orcs that walk this earth right now that I have any love for. One is named Ragblood Tusk, and the other is Lork. Doesn't happen to be your name, buddy. I think your name's about to turn to ash just like all the tribes amongst you at your feet no deal then face me in single combat without your gun show me that you are the power you say

you are should you defeat me you earn my respect in the afterlife. I don't think you're in a point of power to negotiate with me right now, fella. Bam! Right in his face. So be it! And he'll just step up to you and do one attack. Is he going to do an acrobatics move to jump on top of the table? All right. All right. All right.

Natural 17. Yeah, he's got pretty... Actually, he has pretty bad acrobatics. Good thing you said that. Yeah, no, he gets up on the table and he can only do one attack. Okay. Critical threat. 90-19.

Whoa. But will it hit? I think it will. 41. Yeah, that hits. All right, so critical threat named character. To confirm, no, 25. No, not a confirm.

All right, and it's not... Exploding dice. Exploding dice. Either. So it's going to be 27 points of regular damage. Before that goes through. Oh, God. If I had hit on that.

He's a critical build. Like it would have been amazing. He has a falchion? No, he has a heavy pick. He has impaling critical and greater impaling critical. That's amazing. He must have had improved critical or something, because I'm pretty sure heavy pick is a 20. Oh, actually, he does have critical focus,

which would be a plus four. 29 isn't even close. No, it's not going to hit. But before he even does damage, the beard of greater Thremir's beard animates and wraps around his hand, trying to snatch the falchion from his hand. Great pick. Pick. Heavy pick.

Heavy pick. Here it comes. That is going to be a 30 CMB. Miss. Oh man. Picks or it didn't happen. Picks or it didn't happen. Give me that damage. Oh, just so sad.

He had so much cool stuff here. For critical focus, impaling critical, improved impaling critical. Well, so the first damage was 20, what did I say, 27 or 26? I think it was 26. And then you take an extra six points of some kind of damage.

Well, what kind of damage is it? I might have something on my sheet that stops it. Or do you not want to say? No, no, it's not. It's untyped. I'm trying to see what it is. Oh, because it's a vicious weapon. So it's an extra 2d6 points of negative energy damage.

Got it. Yeah, so not that great. Man, that would have been awesome. It's a times four crit. And all these other fucking cool things. Yeah. That didn't happen. And that's all he can do. He wouldn't accept. Times four crit. It's like a scythe. Oh my god.

That would have been amazing. Okay. Anyways, it is Baron's turn. Baron's going to take a five foot step back and take aim at him. Okay, Corral style. Here it comes. The first attack is a natural one.

Oh no! It is like single combat. To confirm, it is a natural 20. Okay, so not a fumble, but it is a misfire. Misfire! That is the first attack, so we've established that the first attack of a full round attack

I can halt, and I will use a move action and a grip point to clear the misfire condition from my gun. Change my grit count down by one. And that is Baron's turn. Now what? Will you all take aim at me or will you let your dwarf try to kill me one-on-one? It is up to you, but know this

the guards are watching you this day. I challenge this dwarf to single combat. He would not accept. Kill me if you must. And it is Sir Will's turn. Well, actually, it's Nestor's turn. Nestor is going

to continue his accelerated climb. He has no more slayers advance uh this time makes the check so he gets another 30 feet up another 30 feet up and now it is sir will's turn sir will still dealing with that portrayal yeah sir will still dealing with it. We'll turn and shout over his shoulder at this guy. You speak as if you have honor! You don't know what the word means!

And he's going to stand tall and continue total defense and just fighting this pig until the situation gets under control. Oh, that's why those didn't hit you. I didn't realize you were in total defense before. I was like, damn, fighting this pig. Yeah, the difficult terrain is gone now because the thunderous charge only lasts for one round afterwards. And it is...

Oh, actually. So say, you don't know the meaning of the word. The gods do not side with you today. They side with those that wish to bring peace to this world and justice. And he touches himself with a Swifty. I believe it's a Swifty. Should probably check it. But I do actually think

I'm pretty sure it's a Swift. Swifty it is. He's going to do total defense and he's going to stack it with a litany of defense as he says his speech up to Iomedae. And Iomedae will then also double the enhancement bonus of his armor for one round. So he's just sort of stacking on, stacking on. Huge.

Can I take a swift action at a turn? Or did I move my... Any time I'm free, I actually could be taken. So could I technically take that? Yeah, you go for it. All right, I'm going to pull down my second of three judgments for the day to increase my AC as this orc tries to face me in single combat. Okay.

Okay, okay, okay. It is Metra's turn. Go on! Metra snaps her fingers. Does he have less than 200 hit points? Fewer than 200 hit points. That's fewer, Matthew. And yes.

He's blind. He says it so flat. Go on! If he has between 101 and 200 hit points, it is for a matter of rounds. If it's between 51 and 100 hit points, it's minutes. It's the prior, the previous. So, rounds. Rounds. How many rounds?

I'll tell you. I'll roll a d4. Just two rounds. May not matter, though. You cowards! The gods are watching even though I cannot! It is the potrillo's turn now and the potrillo will again try and take a full attack action.

Oh, God. I just really want to fuck up Sir Will, but it's hard. Sir Will is just like blazing with this white light. It's blinding the creature with holy light. Shielded by God!

I shit you not, I saw a giant lightning strike right as Skid said. Oh, that's awesome! That is amazing. Oh, that's awesome. All right, the first attack is the big one. It's the gore. Caught a crit on this.

You were pretty good. That's a 30 to hit. Terrible roll. Get that shit out of here! 33 on hoove number one. 34 on hoove two. And 31 on the tail slap.

He catches that tail and wrapped around the lance and just swings it off. Still standing across from it. In all the games I've played with you, I don't think I've ever seen you as such a base-level happiness as when you go total defense on Troy. Oh, it's the best.

Because there's no randomness on Joe's part to decide his success. Yes. You just boost all your static numbers and watch someone else batter their foreheads against a plate glass window that they can't break. And I also just love the image. I love it so much. The image like the mounted knight just like yeah deflecting blows one after another after another yeah it's not like deftly dodging it's just like clang clang clang armor on hoof on on uh gore on yes yeah yeah and i mean to me like this is the thing that I was excited about when Dahlgraith went down.

It's like, in terms of party comp, it was like I wanted somebody that can just stand in front of a really tough enemy and just soak it up until there's time for Nestor and Baron to just finish it off. Yeah, totally. So valuable. It's the general's turn. He's blind. 50% mischance. He knows where Baron is,'s blind. 50% mischance. He knows where Baron is, but he has a 50% mischance to hit. And I have to roll a DC 10 acrobatics to be able to get a full attack off.

Basically to get down into that space to move more than half speed. I made it. These are all going to be at 50% mischance. He wouldn't get a full attack. He wouldn't? He can't take a five-foot step when you're blind. Right. I believe we said that before.

It was in terms of darkness. Like, if you're blind, you can't take a five-foot step. Yeah. So all he can do is move faster than half. But if you want to rule it that you rolled an acrobatics for it and did it, I'm fine with that. Let the word ring forth from this day forward. Blind creatures must make a DC 10 acrobatics skill check to move faster than half speed.

I didn't say anything that they can't take if I put step. But what do you say? I feel like I want you to do whatever you want to do right now. But I just feel like this came up exactly. It was in darkness. And we said, well, if you were blind,

you wouldn't be able to take a five foot step. Maybe we were just assuming. Yeah, no, I think he can take a five foot step if he wasn't jumping off of a table. But the fact that I'm stepping down from a table to the ground is, it's not really,

well, he did make the acrobatics. The fact you're doing it and doing it diagonally is kind of weird as well. You know what? I'm going to allow it for myself because I think it's fun for the story since you guys are just going to kill him anyways. Let's see if the gods will allow a crit. This creature is not bound by the laws of physics!

Flee! He used his acrobatics to allow him to step down. Let's see if he can hit. 50% mischance on all three attacks. No chance. What if he crits and gets a quadra? All right, so critical threat and a 58. And it would hit with a...

And you have to roll the D100. What's the total? 45. Which is tough. No, you don't. Oh, wow. Yeah, nat don't. Oh, wow. Yeah, natty 19. That's a 45 to hit. I took power attack off,

so my, oh, and I confirm with a 34. That is not a confirm because I have the blessing of Toreg. The gods are in my favor. My AC is at 35. Sorry, it's a 44. I have a plus 24. Way to pull the rug out of my knees. You looked so dumb. have a plus 20. Way to pull the rug out.

Grant, you look so dumb. Good job, Troy. Way to make Grant look dumb. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You know what? This is pretty bad here because that is a confirmed crit. So I want to make sure that we're getting the five-foot step rules slightly correct because this is uh this is gonna be pretty nasty because

of all the things and he's a named character so joe uh show me what you got uh all right going with ren ren r-e-h-n uh of melbourne wait joe oh shit don't read that oh once per day is an immediate action after a critical hit is confirmed against the wearer with a melee weapon, the wearer can force the attacker to re-roll the confirmation roll and take the worst result. So go ahead and re-roll that confirmation roll, Troy. That's fair. And here it is right here.

You can take a five-foot step while blind. Oh, great. You can move five feet in any round when you don't perform any other kind of movement. Blind creatures must make a DC 10 acrobatics to move faster than half speed. So I was right on that. But you moved eight feet while dropping from the table if you add that in there. So it's now illegal. It's true.

He stepped five and then fell three. Here we go. This is a 26-foot high table, wasn't it? Yes. Here we go. He takes 2d6 damage on the five-foot step. What's the reroll? I roll the natural 2.

Oh, yeah! And his name is John Cena! Barry just standing there in front of him, doesn't give a shit. Completely fearless. I went from a 44 to confirm to a 28 to confirm. Oh, wow. So it's just a regular hit? Just a regular old garden variety hit.

Sorry, Wren. Maybe another day. All right. That's 19 points of regular, and then the vicious gives it. Oh, wow. I wrote three sixes, so max damage. 19 points of regular, and then another 12 for the vicious property. That would have been bad if it was a crit.

Oh, my God. Yeah, that would have been really bad. I took power attack off, but still, the impaling critical is what gets fun. All right, second attack. Add a 50% miss chance. No way. 30 to hit and a 31 on the concealment. And then the final swing.

You're coward! Almost a critical threat, but instead it's just a straight-up miss with a 33, and that would have been an 83 on the confirmed. Man, this guy did great for being blind. I forgot to add my critical focus, but that wouldn't have made a difference because I rolled a 28, a 32. No, it still doesn't confirm. Wow.

Yeah, every chance. Every chance on this amazing critical build. And that's it. That's all. That is his turn. You coward! You call yourselves heroes! Who skulks about and ladders and blinds their foes!

It is Baron's turn. Oh, once more with vigor and passion, Baron will take a step backwards and full attack. Here comes the first attack. Come on, baby! Okay, that will take a step backwards in full attack. Here comes the first attack. Come on, baby. Okay, that will hit with a 24 against Touch AC, I'm hoping. Yeah. I didn't call up close and deadly ahead of time, so I'm not going to add it on, but that

is 30 points of damage on the first attack. Second attack will be up close and deadly. And 22 against Touch AC. That's a hit. 41 points of damage on the second attack. Okay. Third attack is also up close and deadly. That's gonna hit. That's...

44 points of damage on that attack Okay Still up Third attack is going to be up close and deadly Fourth attack Fourth attack That is the fourth attack? This is your fourth, yeah

You're correct, yes Okay, so that is going to be a 12 against Touch AC Because he's blinded, it hits 6 times Yes Oh, man The gods have spoken, my friend The gods have spoken! Because he's blinded it hits Oh man The gods have spoken my friend The gods have spoken 43 points of damage

He is into his constitution Ferocity has been enacted It is Nestor's turn Alright Nestor how far is Nestester from the top of the ladder uh 15 you know uh you went 45 you can get in this round okay so he let's do a climb check uh natural 20 makes it Comes out, sees, just pops off into the fireplace. Sees Baron facing off against this guy who's like clearly bleeding on his last legs. And he fires off one shot at the back of his head. That is a 34 against his flat-footed AC.

That's a hit. 50 points of damage. The general falls. Baron, you're just sitting there, and you just see an arrow come out of one of his eyes. Collapses, and as he hits the ground, it shoots the arrow back out the top of his head. And it lands right back in Nestor's hand.

That's amazing. He's so good. Sir Will, you are still up next to this guy. Nestor is back. All of the orcs are dead dead, but there is still a creature here that has not taken a point of damage I don't think. Maybe a point.

Yeah. I disintegrated him, didn't I? You did, yeah. One point. 42 points of damage. You did 30 points on that disintegrate, I disintegrate I believe I did like I think I did like 19 so we must have hit him with something else oh and he also took a fireball for me oh yeah I'm just gonna keep it going it's gonna keep

it going holding down the creature I'm running out of lucky chances here bring the fire I think it should also be clear it's been fun to watch Joe every turn because he's inching five feet like further, further away outside of the creature's range. Actually, I'm sorry. I don't mean to do that in that case. Yeah.

Okay. And I will swift action Lay on Hands on myself. Okay. But then I will go back into total defense and just keep trying to weather the blows of this creature. But I don't have the Litany of Defense anymore. That was just one round. So the light starts to fade a little bit now.

He's just got the strength of his arm and shield. Okay. Okay, I think it now goes to Metra. Yes, it does, I guess. So Metra is going to... I mean, we got Nestor back, but I don't want to yeah i'm gonna have this guy roll a will save my piggy your piggy oh piggy oh piggy natural one that's a hold monster he's paralyzed nice oh no Now, is he effectively paralyzed?

Yeah. Like you can just straight up... The subject becomes paralyzed and freezes in place. Wow. We're going to coup de grace this pig. Sir Will could coup de grace next round. Yeah, he is nice. But he'll very almost certainly pass the fortitude safe to survive.

Oh, God. Is that a charm or compulsion spell? It's a compulsion spell. Would have been nice if I didn't roll a natural one. Get a plus six against those type of spells! It is its turn and it does nothing! Because it's frozen

in place from hold monster. Well, it gets a save every round, doesn't it? That is probably true. I believe so. Each round on its turn. Okay, it's turn save every round, doesn't it? That is probably true. I believe so. Yes. I believe so. Each round on its turn. Okay. It's turn, and I roll a 25.

That passes. But that's its turn, right? Or no? I believe that's at the end of its turn. It breaks out of it. So it doesn't get to take a turn right now, but it is free. That is a... No, the save and throw is a full round action that does not provoke attacks of opportunity. Okay. I could take that does not provoke attacks of opportunity.

Okay. I could take that back if you're on. But it's important, though. It makes a difference because it's not held right now. Right. I mean, for its entire time. Right. And it no longer has all the penalties from paralyzing one nut. All right.

So it spends it. Oh, there are so many range arrows being pointed at this pig. It's like a bunch of laser beams from sniper rifles in all different areas. It's all these little red dots dancing around on its body. And Sir Will sees them coming through. He's like, yes. Yes, I blasted it. Low light to the rescue.

It is Baron's turn. He knows any second. Bullets and arrows are going to start zipping by his head. There's any second bullets and arrows are going to start zipping by his head. Baron is going to move calmly 25 feet forward through the absolute atrocity of orc gore that they've splattered across the floor. Slips a little bit on one of his boots, but gets close enough to get one shot off. Picture them walking with the spurs, just likeank. Yeah. Clank. Clank. That'll be a 20 against touch AC? 21.

21 against touch is a hit. Okay this is not. Oh. Did we ever determine. Okay so I'm gonna remove Bane if we never determined what kind of creature it is. And Metra never did it because she doesn't care about you doing well. Fact. Fact.

Okay, then minus the Bane damage I rolled, that will be 26 points of damage. You notice that it doesn't take all of that damage, Baron, but it does take most of it. It is Nestor's turn. All right, Nestor has been waiting for this. His anger has just been building as he's been climbing this ladder at top speed. Takes a five-foot step at stealth. That is a 50 on stealth. 50 on stealth.

It does not have any way of seeing you. Okay, so it is going to... Amazing. It's a studied target, and he's got rapid shot on, and he is going to unleash. First shot, mini shot, is a natty 15. That'll do. That's going to be a 40-something, right? And is he flat-footed?

Against me, yeah. Yeah. That is 75 points of damage. Oh, my. Have you done that much before in one shot? I never usually get my sneak attack damage. Oh, right. We haven't made you invisible in a while.

We can start doing that again. Yeah. Second shot against flat-footed is a 32. 32 flat-footed is a hit. No. We can start doing that again. Yeah. Second shot against flat-footed is a 32. 32 flat-footed is a hit. Okay. 37 damage. No DR. Okay.

Third attack. Ooh. 31. 31. 31 hits as a flat-footed. 48 damage. Okay. Try, flat footed. 48 damage. Okay. Try,

you say this a lot. Just wanted to check in. I'm getting from your tone, you're not rooting for us right now. No. You seem sad. No, no, no. We're your friends.

Yeah, it's true. It's true. But so are these orcs. You have known them for a lot longer than we have that's true that was my second attack right the last one no that was your third that was my yeah it was your third because you the last one you were like and i already used my dr no this is your third right this is my third now Uh, that's a hit. Okay. And I don't actually, um, well, okay. Uh, 45 damage. Okay.

Um, all right, fourth attack. Finish it, Nesta. Crack die. Uh, that is a 23 to hit. 23 misses. Okay, come on! Ah, miss again. Fuck.

Miss again, Miss again Nester Man I just can't Hit those fucking finals You did great You did great What'd you do Uh 180 points

Yeah You can't get too upset Sir Will you are up You're right next to this thing Will you attack it Finish it I just don't I don't

What do you What do you guys think Would be the ruling On attacking with a lance I don't think I can attack with a lance just standing there. Isn't it a tiny lance? It doesn't matter. You know what?

It doesn't matter. It won't get over DR anyway. So yeah, he's just going to keep it up. He's just going to keep defending. Total defense. Metra. Now, hold monster once you save. It's done, right?

Yeah. That's it. Okay. It's done. Get out of here with that. Spell is broken. You know, I was going to ask. I felt bad because Troy was so sad, but I was going to

ask you to do a Blood Reader, Nestor, but you know, here's what I'll do first. Roll a Knowledge Arcana. 17. Subtite. All I want to know is the subtype. You don't know. I got to roll higher than that. Subtite. 15 creature.

It's an animal! I can select I don't know is my bane, and it'll work. Okaytie. Subtie. 15 creature. It's an animal. I can select I don't know is my bane, and it'll work. Okay, good. Untyped bane. I'll do a magic missile. Yeah. Ooh. Always safe.

It's good. Classic. Overcomes the R. Yep. Yeah. Good point. Okay. Fire off your missile. Are you going to fire it or not?

I'm firing. Matthew's going to the Google die roller. I can tell. 15 points of damage. Terrible roll. Still alive. It's a magic missile. I didn't think it was that close to death.

Metro will move to stay flying. Actually, she'll still have a 100%. She makes it. Okay. It's its turn. Could just trample you. Sure will. But I'm not going to do that.

I'm going to leave power attack on. I'm going to attack you four times. He's going to try to crit. Try for that crit. He's going to try to crit! On the core. This is the one that has to hit. This is the one that does crazy damage.

No, I missed. 29. Hoof number one, 38. Hits exact. Oh. That was it. You found it. He kept poking.

He poked it. It's not a ton of damage, and I rolled really poorly. 14 points of damage. I got to beat 30. Oh, 90, 19. So this one will be a hit as well for slightly better, 16 points of damage. And then the tail slap missed with a 31. Okay.

So a couple of hooves. It, like, got up on its hind legs and just came down on you. And Lexington. Dented a piece of the armor. And now it comes back around to Baron's turn. Sweet. Biggie, biggie, around to Baron's turn. Sweet! Biggie, biggie, biggie, biggie! Sweet!

First attack is going to hit with a 25. Oh, I rolled the damn band damage I can't do. So that's 26 points of damage on the first attack. And it falls. Yeah! Sweet! And it falls. Yeah! It's a weapon! Its tongue lolls out of its

big, giant, wet mouth and it falls. And Baron, you look around you at just the death and carnage in this room. And there's one orc whose body is singed with electricity and it's still,

the life is like fading out of its eyes. And you look down, and it has the symbol of the twisted hearts on his lapel, I guess. Lapel? Well, he's showing up a fancy place like this. If you don't bring your own jacket. He's got it right under his lapel. The club will provide you with one. I imagine he's got this, you know, he's dressed in like furs, but he's got a bandolier across his chest. This is like the Friars Club for Orcs.

He's got the symbol of the Twisted Hearts, and he points right at you and says, I know you. You were with another group months ago at Red Lake Fort. You killed Grenzel Deck and flooded the land. Spits up blood. You are lawless.

You deserve to die. Nullgriff watches you. And the blood god will have his payment. And we'll see you next week.

He's been cursed. Baron was cursed. Blood for the blood god, skulls for the skull throne. I know. Called you out for being lawless too, and as an orc, that means a lot. Pretty sure I just... He's dead.

Baron shoots his dead body. Baron stomps his face shoots his ghost shoots his ghost as it rises to heaven see you later Mr. Pink the glass cannon podcast is a glass cannon network production and is an officially licensed partner of

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