The Glass Cannon Podcast - Giantslayer Episode 30 - Nobody Expects the Thomas Exposition!

Episode Date: December 22, 2015

An old friend returns to help the heroes confront ghosts from the past, even as Trunau's Council of Defenders tasks them with their greatest quest yet! For more podcasts and livestreams, visit glasscannonnetwork.com. To become an official member of the Naish, subscribe today at http://www.jointhenaish.com. Want to be a part of Glass Cannon Nation? Follow us at twitter.com/glasscannonpod instagram.com/theglasscannon facebook.com/glasscannonnetwork tiktok.com/@glasscannonnetwork Get the best apparel and gaming accessories in the biz at https://glasscannonnetwork.com/store If you enjoyed this, we have several other series featuring Call of Cthulhu - Time For Chaos Delta Green - Get in the Trunk Pathfinder 2E - Glass Cannon Live! Strange Aeons Pathfinder 1E - Legacy of the Ancients Traveller - Voyagers of the Jump and so much more! Join us every Thursday night for Campaign Two of The Glass Cannon Podcast – a playthrough of the Pathfinder 2E Gatewalkers Adventure Path! Videos premiere on YouTube Thursday nights at 8PM ET with a companion podcast available at midnight. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This week on the Glass Cannon Podcast. So basically, back in the day, there were a lot of orcs and a lot of humans and they fought a lot. A new mission. There is a place known as the Vault of Thorns. The vault can help you in your fight against this twisted heart menace. New characters. Nice to meet you, nice to meet you. We're getting off to a wrong foot already.

Hey, Rag! Should I slit its throat? Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. We're getting off to a wrong foot already. Hey, Rag! Should I slit its throat? Blood Tusk, are these the women we have joining the crew? And a goldmine of new accents for Troy. Are you the crew? That's not what I want. It's just so entertaining. How does Lork sound?

Merry Christmas and a happy new adventure begins right now. Ladies and gentlemen, episode 30 is about to begin, and I want to welcome you to the next chapter of the adventures of our modley crew now uh professor burger's uh actually on some sort of break i don't know what but we did end up finding uh i kind of dug through baron's things and i found this weird journal he was keeping but uh i don't want to read it to you guys without him so i'm just going to call him in here one second guys hey baron get in here howdy y'all well you may not have this, but I've been a poet all along. And I've been writing poetry our whole journey. Here's one poem I find extremely poignant. Lork, Galabris Gormley, Howie, Ben, and Jasun,

With whom I've slayed and shot my gun. Thanks to them, the battle for True Now was won. Whenever the sun does set and the Sigur Rios burn out, I reckon my debt to all these louts will never be paid, but lessened with the favors we trade. Though the battles are long and the stakes are high, we all stand strong, and I know where I belong. The witch, the priest, the ranger, and I.

And here's your first Tom Exposition fact of the day. This is episode 30. You have recorded 30 episodes. That's 15 plus 15 and 29 plus 1. Oh, he's really sharp. I'm gonna sit

over here. Sorry I'm late. Sorry I'm late. I really missed him He's got I did not see that Is he the only character With like Breaking the fourth wall Type of information

Going on Does he just Does he just say that To the whole room That's incredible He's a seventh level oracle He's like Deadpool Yeah

But like Way less enjoyable Yeah Oh come on he's way we love Tom he's so much more fun than Deadpool

yeah and he's got his seersucker suit on he's dressed to the nines and this one is like a white seersucker suit it's like I wanted to match

the Ivory Hall wedding room wedding room it's camouflage guys like my snakeskin boots that's real snake oh it's quite handsome in the wedding room. It's camouflage. Guys like my snake skin boots? That's real snake. Oh, it's quite handsome.

Anyways, so what's going on? What happened? Is this a potluck? I brought wings. No, I didn't. Oh, man. This guy. Halgrist, I got, please, Tom.

Tom. Mr. Exposition, have a seat. How did this guy get on the couch? That's exactly what I wanted to ask, too. Exactly. So how did he live through that battle? What exactly was he doing during the fight? He ran back to his used car lot, and he hit him to the...

Hit in the trunk of a Volkswagen. I knew you wouldn't have... Hit in the trunk of He ran back to his used car lot and he hit underneath it. Hitting the trunk of a Volkswagen. I knew you wouldn't have. Hitting the trunk of a 75 Chevy. Which, by the way, is basically being given away right now for the price of 3,000 gold pieces. What do I got to do to put you in this Chevy today?

So, you know, so everyone's kind of getting settled and Gormley, you see the man. That's right. Oh, I forgot about that. The guy, the guy, there he is. And he's, he's aged.

I mean, how many years is 30, 40 years? It's been 25, 25 years. And not to be rude, he looks great. And you, time has not been as gentle on Gormley. The elements have taken their toll. Right. She's seen a few winters. Does he recognize me?

Well, he must have heard the name. He is not making any eye contact with you. He would have to know. He would have to know. He would have to. She's famous in town. That fucking dick. Halgrist says,

anyways, I, let's... Gormley stares at him. She may or may not cast evil eye on him. He's just watching Halgrist. Not even, like, he's looking up to the head of the table.

Has not even acknowledged the four of your presence. Galabras is noticing this interchange between the two of them and wondering what's happening. Not going to say anything, but just wondering. Yeah, you must feel the tension that Gormley is exhibiting. Halgrist says, please, please have a seat, everyone,

and let's get down to business. I don't want to waste any more time. Gentlemen, lady, with the information that we've gleaned from some of the orc prisoners we've captured, and obviously everything you've

told us from your capture of Screed, when you were able to talk to him before the dwarf murdered him in cold blood. I'm reading this from my notes. The Trunel's Council of Defenders. These are your words.

These are your words. I'm reading the account here word by word. Shot in cold blood. With concentrated acid for blood. These are your words. All this bullshit you think is so important, you can kiss all that goodbye. Let's just do a dramatic reenactment of Aliens.

Just that scene. Let's just do that scene. It says he was murdered with a magical handbanger. We don't know what this is. What is a handbanger? Be that as it may, Trunau's Council of Defenders is worried that the town's orc troubles are far from over. Thanks to your help,

this Grensel deck, the orc's hill giant chieftain, was clearly unable to recover the items that she so covetously sought from the tomb, which you've now realized is Oskroth's tomb, whoever that may be. And basically the council fears another attack on True Now in the near future. To that end, we have discussed this as a council and

what we would like from you is for you the four of you to go to Grenzeldek's lair and deal with this giant chieftain and her orc tribe before they can attack True Now again

as far as we know it is we know exactly where she is it's an old abandoned outpost near the river Esk

called Red Lake Fork it's all near are you familiar with Harkist's blockade Tom no Tom's like oh let me tell you about Harkist's Blockade? Tom? No.

Tom's like, oh, let me tell you about Harkist's Blockade. How do you mind if I jump in here? Yes! So basically, back in the day, there were a lot of orcs and a lot of humans, and they fought a lot, and the little barrier, the line, what do you call it? The, uh...

Hoard line. The Hoard line used to move a lot, and one of the big blockades was known as Harkist's Blockade, and it fell, and here we are. I say, under my breath, if only a dwarf was there to help build it. And I'm ready to right those wrongs. Strong words.

No one can hear it, not even Tom. He heard it, apparently. Tom hears all. Can't spell block A Blabdorf Back to you Halgron Thank you Thank you Tom Everyone here Is just barely tolerating him

So I just imagine Jaggered with this guy He must be like This fucking guy He's such a mansplainer. He is a mansplainer. He's well-loved in the community.

Everyone's bought life insurance from him as well. Basically, gentlemen and ladies, due to your recent heroism during the Orc raid, and what you did under Bloodmarch Hill,

I believe, we believe, that you are best suited to this task. Our militia and our citizens, those who remain, are needed to rebuild the town's defense after this orc attack so that if... And the kind of implication getting is like, she cuts off, but she's's saying like if you don't return

we need to be ready in case things go awry. In case they are able to mount another attack. Right. You know while you guys are off or if you don't come back then you can't just we can't send the whole militia and all the citizens out there and then leave the you know the inner quarter in shambles just to get

destroyed. Gormley speaks up and says, so we're expendable. No, no, no, no, no, please. I apologize if I gave off that vibe. It's just like Lord of the Rings. We just think that this is a mission of subterfuge. It isn't something that we can just send a huge group of people in there.

It would be all-out war. The deaths would be, we would lose an entire army. We need to send heroes. So you want us to take out their leadership and the rest will crumple when they're gone? That is our hope. If Grenseldek and her orc tribe are taken down, there's a good chance Trunau will be safe for years and years to come. You have any idea of how far away this is? How long of a journey is it to Grenseldek's lair? Is it in the Mindspin Mountains?

No, no. It's north of here. But this is the complicated part, another reason why we can't use militia. If you are able to do this, I have already secured passage for you aboard a keelboat that regularly plies the rivers of southern Belkson. The riverboat's captain, a half-orc who I know personally. Wink, wink. Wink, wink

Read, fuck buddy His name is Rag Blood Tusk He has agreed to transport you Up the river, you know, up the river-esque To a location near the Red Lake Fork In exchange for your efforts in helping sail the boat and also defending it from any

dangerous river denizens that you may come across. Now you may be thinking, why can't we just go, if it's north, if it's true north, why can't you just go north? And the fact of the matter is, overland travel to Red Lake Fork would be as foolhardy as it is dangerous because it would take you

straight through the orc-infested hold of Beltson. It's a suicide mission. Pardon me, though. You seem to really gloss over the term dangerous river denizens. I think that's what you said. What kind of dangers are we facing going on this boat? Well, it just, it's the wild. I mean, I'm sending you into the wild. There are natural dangers, bears, sharks, all manner of creatures, but, you know, you will be with a good crew.

It's basically like Australia times three. I would say times two and a half. It sounds like we're headed into the heart of darkness. three. I would say times two and a half. It sounds like we're headed into the heart of darkness. Yes, perhaps you are. But the good news is Rag's riverboat is well known

among the orc tribes along the river and this man who, between you and me uh used to be a gladiator back in the day uh now is a retired uh retired as into a riverboat captain uh he enjoys rites of safe passage from these tribes chieftains even though he's a half orc the orcs do not bother him which again makes the river journey far safer than trying to travel over land I mean we can send we can well we can't we can't send our whole militia straight north straight through the orc hordes to get to this fort you have to take the river

and rag is a good good well-hung man. And I think, you know, he is our best option if this is something that you are willing to do. But there is some help that we can give you along the way. So before you answer, Silvermane, please step forward. Yeah. And you see this venerable old elf.

See, I used venerable the right way. That was the correct use of venerable. Yeah! Congratulations. I put a skill point in the smart. My boy's wicked smart. My boy's wicked smart. How do you like them apples

he uh this so this venerable old elf played by Donald Sutherland walks up um and he has watched over the

True Now's Hope Spring for as long as Gormley when you were a kid in walking around True Now he was running the Hope Spring Lork when you were a a thuggy teen he was running the Hope Spring

uh and he just kind of steps up obviously you saved his life you're familiar with him he's familiar with you um and similarly to what he did at the end of uh when last when you saw him at the sanctuary he's speaking in some sort of like weird sign language that only Halgra understands. So they have some sort of shorthand together. And she's like, I'm going to translate for him, if that's all right. And so he's going, moving with his hands, and she's like, there is a place known only as the Vault of Thorns. It is a demiplane that was once created

by the Druidic Council of Thorns, of which I, excuse me, Silvermane, was once a member. Sorry, translating. The entrance to this vault is located within an area known as Ghostlight Marsh. It's a swamp to the northeast surrounding the confluence of the Kestrel and Esk rivers. Silvermane, hold on for a second. So basically this journey would have you going up the Kestrel, yes? Which goes sort of

northwest and then it turns northeast excuse me yes goes northeast and then it turns to go north uh west to get to red lake fork so somewhere near that confluence just beyond that is where the ghost light marshes uh please continue silverman Yes, a swamp to the northeast surrounding the complex. Okay, so he says that the vault contains a cache of items that can help you in your fight against this twisted heart menace. But he has no specific details about these items. In order to find this demiplane, this vault of thorns, you should look for a marker in the form of a circle of thorns

carved into a stone near the banks of the river Esk. This marker should put you on the right path through the swamp to find the vault, but... Wait, say that again. A circle of thorns. Carved into a stone near the banks of the riveresque. Once you find that, it will point you in the right direction through the swamp to find the vault, but as it is on another plane, the entrance to the vault, to the demiplane, is hidden. At this point, Silvermane reaches down to the floor and pulls up this leaf-embossed brass lantern and hands it to Halgra.

And Halgra just places it in front of her on the marble ivory table. She goes, this is known as the ghost light lantern. Silvermane says to her, if the husk of a dead will-o-wisp is placed inside the lantern, is placed inside the lantern, the lamp will produce a beacon that points directly to the circle of standing stones that marks the vault's entrance. So once you reach the druidic circle,

you need only wash this supernaturally-fueled lantern's light over the central standing stone within this circle of stones to open the portal into the Vault of Thoughts. What's a will-o'-wisp? A will-o'-wisp is a spiritual denizen of the marsh. The impere is dancing lights. That's correct.

How does one defeat it? Orc semen. it? Orc semen Traditionally orc semen So but If you take this lantern You put a dead will-o-wisp husk in the lantern Follow the beacon to the circle of standing stones And wash the glow from this lantern on the center stone

and it will open the portal to the Vault of Thorns. I have a bit of a practical question for you. Yes, you in the back. Yes, I'm down low, but I'm actually pretty close to you. You know, you seem to have

this whole plan figured out. Why in tarnation have you not done it yourselves? Because we're the bad asses. I mean, I think that's an easy answer if you understand you're going along a Pathfinder role-playing campaign. But I still want to ask it. I don't think it's crazy to ask that question. No, no, no. Our characters in this situation

would absolutely have to ask that question. I mean, the obvious answer is because otherwise there's no adventure. Right. I mean, clearly. The characters would certainly ask that question. It's a fair question. I mean, this new information about this hammer

and this rock and everything you found, we realize who caused this attack. And we know through our scouts where this lair is. But we cannot empty the town to go attack it. We need people like yourselves to take this other route. A specialized small group. A specialized small group. A specialized small group. Special forces.

To sneak in there. And I mean, sure, we could ask, Kirst has volunteered, but we need him here. We need to defend the town while also taking on this threat. You can say no, but we just believe what you've done for this town already. There's no greater hope for Trudau than the four of you.

What's in it for us? Did the master of coin approve this expenditure? And Peter Baelish kind of Aidan Gillen

turns to Gormley and says, kind of beautiful Aiden Gillen turns to Gormley and says we must do what's right for the town I have always done what's right

for the town fuck fuck what a jerk still fuck this Galavris is looking like what the fuck

is he talking about? What's going on with these two? I guess that's true, isn't it? Yeah, right? Yeah. Anyway. Which is usually what they've told you, right? We do what needs to be done.

As someone who has been exiled, perhaps it's best you return to your woods and mountains and caves. But at least you'll have these men to protect you. Dammit, she's been with me side by side in the trenches, and she has been one of the only reasons this town is not the smoldering pit that it should be right now. And you will not talk to her that way again, or dammit, I will leave this room right now. Halgrist's like,

gentlemen, gentlemen, please! Calm. In the back. I will turn into a giant right here and now! I will righteous bite the shit out of you! Order! Order in the court! Uh,

Kesson, do you have something on your mind! Uh, Kesson, do you have something, uh, on your mind? Uh, no, no, no, Chief Defender, I just, uh, whatever, whatever you think is best. And he just, this slimy fuck. I don't like this guy.

And Gormley just knows that the only reason he's even been raised to a position of power. It's because of his money. Is he probably did shit like that his whole life. Mm-hmm. Stepping on the little people to get to the top. I mean, just a scant 25 years ago, you were finger banging in the play account.

And now he can't even look at you in the eye. He was using his little finger to bang me. You see what he did? You see what he did? Nailed it. I'm going to go high five. Woo! Yeah.

I hope the mics pick that up. Little finger banging. So she says, is this something that you would be interested and able to do? I understand that we're asking a lot of you and I feel horrible even asking after you've done so much already but it's clear that the four of you are special

and I don't throw this word around a lot but I feel like you are destined for something greater than this so I'm not saying you're our only hope but

you're our only hope I I must say I in Glyber's stance, I agree there is some greater force at work here. This task, I believe, is appointed to us somehow. But my chief duty now is to my friends. If they agree to do this task, I will certainly go. But if they do not, if any one of them do not, I shall not. If Jagran has agreed to release me from my service to the militia,

at least here in the walls of the city. I would not let these friends that I've made go into this perilous journey without a giant hunter. I have experience with this, and I'd be honored to employ the skills that I've learned from the Black Arrows to hunt this grizzled dick down and take her out. I believe it's Grenzledeck, Tom says. Tom, thank you.

Thank you, Tom. Gotta hear my notes. Grenzledeck. But yes, I'd be... I'm not much use to the town now, as is, so I think I'd be of more use hunting giants. That's all I'm going to say. If these people want to go, I'll go with them. Since apparently I've never been welcome here anyway. Cold. Ice cold.

Well, god damn it I've only been put upon this god forsaken rock to take care of what my own people put on this place so I'm here to stop the orcs to stop the giants to stop savagery from taking over this land. And if I have to be savage to do it, God damn it, I will.

I'm going out there and I'm saving your town. And when we walk back, all four of us, we walk back as equals. Or else I'm going to have a bone to pick with whoever doesn't treat each of us like the heroes we are. Rubik, Rubik, Rubik, Rubik. You truly are all great men.

And a woman! And a woman. Thank you, Tom. And a woman! And a woman. Thank you, Tom. So perceptive, Tom, as always. He is really sharp. It is tough to get one past him.

We, to say we appreciate your offer, your acceptance of our, what we're asking of you, this great demand, or whatever you want to call it. We want to show our appreciation to you as best we can. Galabras, it's to my knowledge, would you mind all standing actually? Galabras stands.

Do you want us to stand? Please. As players? Not as players. You've got to stand, Mike. I was ready to stand. I was in it. I can take my mic out.

I'll stand up. I'll fuck it. Here, look. I'm standing up. Oh, captain, my captain. I'll stand on the table. Galaver, you have come to our town as an outsider and at the risk of...

We don't mean to embarrass you in front of the group, but we understand that you have encountered great hardship on your way to Trnau, and hopefully that hardship has ended and you feel like you have a real place here. has ended and you feel like you have a real place here. We, the people of Trinow, the council, want to offer you a home in the inner quarter so that you no longer have to sleep on bloody, bloody blood-soaked mattress. Bloody patch of straw.

A blood-soaked patch of straw. We have rebuilt a home in the inner quarter specifically for you to live in. Goliathus kind of like bows his head and he's kind of like fighting back tears and lifts his

head and he says, this is a lovely gesture I've I've lost the only home I've ever known I was cast out like some of my friends

here and this this is a very nice thought, to think that I could be welcome and make a new home. We just want you to know that wherever your travels take you, you will always have a home in True Now. This is the only home that I know now,

and I will defend it with my life if I have to. Thank you. Thank you, Calabras. Can I sit down now? Please. Baron, would you come to us? Baron, you are also an outsider We don't know much of your history But actions speak louder than biographies

What you have done with your magic handbanger Truly cannot be overstated. So, in sort of piggybacking on what we've given to Galabras, we would like to offer you this as a symbol of our appreciation to what you've done to True Now. And she offers you a hope knife.

Whoa! And she goes to put it around your neck. Beren uncharacteristically to some eyes bows his head and accepts it

and he straightens it once it's on his neck he looks down at it he looks at his friends before he looks at the people and he says I've never seen any craftsmanship finer than this, and I'm from the Five Kings Mountains.

Sarah nods her head. Thank you. She never sounded like this before now. I love it. This experience has changed her. There's the smoke inhalation. He nods and he says, thank you for welcoming me to your town.

Gormley, we know of your history with True Now, and we know that you have been self-exiled. Maybe that's not fair. You were exiled. That's straight up. Yeah, that's true. Out of shame.

You chose to leave this town. You chose to leave before we could have, not we, it was before my time would have removed you. Well, as far as I'm concerned, that is an egregious affront to clearly another strong woman. And I know a strong woman when I see one. So I wish that there was a way that I could offer you the past 25 years of your life back.

Who knows how different it would be. But I will say to you that you are always welcome in true now. And for you to consider yourself a citizen again within these walls. You never have to hang your head in shame or walk around with a fake mustache. This is your home, now and forever, if you will take us back. Remember that the life that you used to have here

and the people that hurt you, this is a different generation. And at that, Kess and Plum just like slams his fist on the table and storms out of the room. Whoa. Whoa. I apologize. I know this is someone from your past,

and hopefully the past will end there. We all welcome you with open arms. And as you can see, when you walk down the street or creep around the library, you are well loved, and we love you. Welcome home. The only shame I ever felt was putting my trust in people love you. Welcome home. The only shame I ever felt was putting my trust in people like you. I'll make my home wherever I want, whenever I want.

Snap. I understand. Sometimes old wounds cannot be healed by honeyed words. That was pretty good. I didn't know you were smart. Put that on a fortune cookie. Tweet that out, huh? Wow.

It's gold. You don't know the half of it. And Sergeant Iron Tusk. And just as she starts to speak, Jagrin puts his hand on her hand. Oh, fuck. As if to say, I'd like to step in here. He stands up.

Curse kind of takes a step or two forward to his father because you never know what Jagrin's going to say or do. He's like, Dad, Dad. You're on the record. Crazy racist uncle at Thanksgiving. He says, Sergeant, please

come over here. Lork walks over. Walks over. Is Lork like at attention or is he kind of like oh yeah yeah sashaying over no no he's like out of he's totally nervous about what this guy he's basically convinced that the guy is going to be like we're not going to be able to let you go or so you know what i mean like some bullshit uh bureaucratic like rules thing where he's not gonna be allowed to go he uh kind of stands he's got his chin up his lips pursed and lork's like i mean he's not going to be allowed to go. He kind of stands, he's got his chin up,

his lips pursed. And Lork's like, I mean, if he's Paul Giamatti, Lork's like a foot taller than this guy. He's looking up at you. Yeah. Kind of got a scowl

on his face. He's got that permanent bitch face scowl. Like Giamatti. And he says, he finally breaks the silence. When I found out that my son was dating a half-orc, I yelled at him.

I screamed at him. I shunned him. I shamed him for what he did. And now he's dead. And I can only wonder, had I accepted his choice, had I accepted your people, maybe things would have been different.

I think that I, even in my old age, have a lot to learn. I want to thank you for saving the town, for bringing this ragtag group of weirdos together. Aye! Oh, we're weird. I do not, however, release you from your duty. I fucking knew it.

I, in fact, order you to leave these walls. And he sticks his hand out. Lieutenant Iron Tusk. Oh, that is fucking awesome field commission yo wow

like Lork's hand is like shaking holy shit that's like officer man that's fucking officer wow from behind the desk

from criminal to officer yeah you're like Richard Gere yeah oh yeah so he takes his hand

and shakes it and he's just like he's pretty overwhelmed. He can't even believe it. He thought, you know, you could never get that in your whole life. Yeah. You know, it's like a shady background criminal enlisted guy, you know. Started from the bottom.

Yeah. And you didn't even have to have kung fu fighting with him to get there like Richard Gere did. That's incredible. And then he just salutes you. Wow. Salute back. An then he just salutes you. Wow. Salute back. An officer and a gentle orc. Lieutenant Irontail.

I'm going to have to change my character sheet. I'm excited. My character sheet. My character sheet. When Lork sits back down, Galabras like pats him on the back and is like, yeah. Yeah, and Lork has this grin on his face like he's a kid. You know, like to Galabras. He's like is like, yeah. Yeah, and Lork has this grin on his face like he's a kid, you know, like to Galaverus.

He's like, yeah, yeah. In that moment, you don't feel any pain in your knee. It subsides for a second. Ain't gonna be raining

anytime soon. But of course, with all this, everybody's happy except fucking Gormley. Yeah. It's just, those are some

deep wounds there for Gormley. Like, they're not going to be... Not going to be healed. Healed by some honeyed words. Right. And she's probably like, fucking Galabras got a house? Yeah.

Honestly, that's what everyone is thinking. Getting him a house? Like, this guy didn't even have to get a hope knife first he just got a house yeah work got more work yeah he got extra duty oh hey he's an officer now though like you know what he's uh um promoted over omas you know oh yeah you know think about that yeah so omas is his inferior in terms of the rank. I love that. That's fucking awesome. It's a nice pay raise, too. As much as Lork doesn't, quote unquote, get anything, this promotion and rank is huge.

Yeah, it's fucking huge. Especially for a guy that's been behind a desk all these years. Yeah. It's awesome, and I'm so happy he got it. Yeah. Thanks, man. Awesome, and I'm so happy you got it. Yeah. Oh, thanks, man.

And it's more like a police lieutenant than like an army lieutenant because that's the... It's a higher rank. Yeah, the equivalent rank is much higher. Right, in the army, you'd go from sergeant to like staff sergeant. Right, right. Yeah, it's the difference between... Yeah, and for the police, it's the difference between like a patrol cop and like a lieutenant detective. You know what I mean?

Like there's a huge jump you know so yeah super exciting that's awesome so cool Troy let's give it up for Troy

no matter what Troy this one lasts I got a house I got a house should we roll for an issue right now Pulverster's clearing house

over here fucking Ed McMahon showed up to go I like that ABC show where they like build you a house. They build you a house, they pull the bus away

and there's a house. Yeah, what is that show? Home Fuckers? Stream Maker, Home Maker. Yeah, Home Maker. Of course, Matthew does.

I watch it constantly. Actually, I don't. Bob Vila, on the other hand. I just realized there's two Catherine Zeta-Jones in the room. I just remembered, rather. I don't know which one to other hand. I just realized there's two Catherine Zeta-Jones in the room. I just remembered, rather.

I don't know which one to flirt with. I kind of like the high fidelity Catherine Zeta-Jones. 100%. But, I mean, there's something sexy and unattainable about Entrapment Catherine Zeta-Jones. So, I get that. But, like, I love that high fidelity. Even Sean Connery had to work his ass off to have sex with her in that movie. Entrapment Catherine Zeta-Jones, you just have to be rich and powerful enough and old enough,

and then she'll marry you, and that's all. That's true. So you can look forward to something. Yeah. If Lorde keeps getting promotions, maybe one day it'll happen for him. So you guys have agreed, three of you willingly, one kicking and screaming. She agreed to go with her friend. She did not agree to the contract with the town.

Yeah, she's not doing it on behalf of the town. She's doing it to support her friend. Loyalty. Loyalty to the friends, not to the town. They betrayed her. Right. And she says, if you have no further questions, And she says, if you have no further questions,

here is a letter of introduction to give to Blood Tusk. He'll be waiting for you on the southern bank of the Kestrel River. Godspeed. The Kestrel River, it's actually south of Trunau, yes? The river is about 18 miles north of Trunau, yes? The river is is about 18 miles north of Trunau. Huh. It I'll show you a map.

Okay. That doesn't matter. It just Okay. Thank you. Thank Thank you. Gormley says

Good luck. Same to you Tom will see you out Yeah So Nobody expects the Thomas exposition Yeah There we go Hey fellas

So how'd it go How'd it go in there Everything good Everybody ready to go Yeah Galabra's got a house So do you guys have any questions About Ghostlight Marsh Hey fellas, so how'd it go in there? Everything good? Everybody ready to go? Yeah, Galabra's got a house. So do you guys have any questions about Ghostlight Marsh or the river?

Anything you need to know? Exactly how, Tom, does one defeat a will-o'-wisp? That's a hell of a question. Roll knowledge, geography, history, or nature. I'll roll knowledge, nature. This is my first die roll in a couple episodes. The book two die roll. Ooh, hey, 23, knowledge nature.

25 for Gormley. 24. God damn it. History for, oh, knowledge history, okay. Uh, well, let me tell you what I know, and he pulls you to the side. You guys rolled really well. One of the DCs was 25 plus and you got it. So basically, Ghostlight Marsh is a vast tract of swampland along the shores of the River Esk.

Hal Grotty told you this. The current border between the hold of Belkson and Lastwall runs right through the swamp. Both orcs and humans tend to avoid the marsh due to countless tales of strange floating lights. Now, Lastwall's northern border with Belkson has been pushed back multiple times over the centuries. As I'm sure most of you, anyone who knows their history, would know this. Now, when the second of these borders, Harkis Blockade, that Halgrim mentioned, was overrun by the orcs, some stood resolute, seeing themselves as sort of protectors of the land.

And this Council of Thorns that Silvermane talked about, it was a militant druid circle who despised the orcs' defilement of the land that these creatures conquered. These druids attempted to stand their ground. However, while the druids' fight was valiant, the Council of Thorns was eventually driven back to the swamp and defeated by the orcs. Come closer.

I lean in. Now here's what they don't tell you. Come closer. Here's what they don't tell you in the orcs. Come closer. I lean in. Now here's what they don't tell you. Here's what they don't tell you in the history books. Get it together, Tom. Get it together. I need a glass of water. It's another mini stroke from Troy. It's in the history books.

So, shh, shh, everybody shut up. For those of you that rolled over 20 I love how literal Tom Expedition is I got a little tidbit for you, okay? Here's the real story Faced with sure defeat at the hands of these orcs The druids of the Council of Thorns made a final stand in the swamp. But they sacrificed themselves in a bloody ritual. They didn't just die.

They weren't just murdered by the orcs. They sacrificed themselves. As the druids' dying bodies just slumped into this swampy muck, all of a sudden, vengeful will-o-wisps, Druids' dying bodies just slumped into this swampy muck. All of a sudden, vengeful will-o'-wisps. Vengeful will-o'-wisps rose from the marsh and drove the orc army out of the swamp. These cruel and capricious aberrations have guarded Ghostlight Marsh from intrusion ever since.

Are they able to tell the difference between friend and foe? Can we ally ourselves with them? One would hope, because what I think is these will-o'-wisps are just reincarnations of the druids of the Council of Thorns. Yeah. So you're telling me that they aren't going to like anyone green-skinned?

Oh boy. Rolls eyes at Lork. I would think that... What about lieutenants with green skin? Oh, I didn't see your oak leaves there. It's a major, damn it! I would hope That these Will-o-wisps still retain some of the

Memories of their former Druid selves and they can Separate the good from the evil But what do I know I just sell cars What's a car That sounds even more advanced than my guns That car you got there

So there is There might be a way To diplomacy them Yes Fuck Or if we have any This might be way too far outside But

Spirits like to hold on to a life they can no longer have. So if we have any type of paraphernalia that leads back to their order of the roses, what was it called? The Council of Thorns. Council of Thorns. If we have any Council of Thorns paraphernalia that might kind of snap them back in a sense like a smelling salt. Like a vanity license plate. Or or their sigil their sigil maybe the lantern the lantern is a well they gotta be they gotta be dead to be yeah we need a corpse of one of them to put in the lantern yeah yeah yeah this is uh well we're certainly not going to figure this out

now so um but any books we can take on the Council of Thorns And those people to go with us We should take at some point In the future What else can you tell us Tom? Well I can tell you I have A used

Cutlass Supreme And for only $3,000 You could drive a used Cutlass Supreme. And for only two, for only $3,000. Not interested. You could drive to Red Lake Fork. No, no. You won't need this

rags blood tusk at all. See, he's got to write the number down on a piece of paper and slide it across the desk to you. He doesn't just say it.

I'm going to write a number on a piece of paper. Thank you. I think you'll find this more than fair. I ask. Are you sitting down? Before you look at this. Are you sitting down?

Are you sitting down? And he just slides the paper across the table. Is that your boomeranger? Is that the one you sell and it just comes back every couple months and you sell it again? I ask Tom Exposition if the 18-mile journey to meet up with the riverboat captain is normally something that can be done safely via foot. Or if there are any alternate means of transportation or horses that can be borrowed to us to reach that destination. And don't try to sell us a car again. Please.

Well, you should mention horses. I got a horse. And for only $5,000. I can get you this one. Listen, I would say leave tomorrow early morning. Take your time. And the road there should be pretty uneventful. It's only 18 miles north, but you're in safe territory,

especially after this battle has been quelled. I would like to ask, so the Twisted Heart Grenzoldek, she's tried to enlist the help of the Twisted Nail Tribe, is that correct? From what I understand, yes. I've done some reading in the archives, and the Twisted Nail tribe seems quite a nasty bunch. Well, they are orcs, after all.

Well, they are orcs, but they're particularly nasty orcs, which is saying a lot. They are cannibals. Ooh. And they're quite feared feared even by other orc tribes in the Mindspin Mountains. Well, it seems like this giant knows what she's doing, enlisting their help. Giants and orcs working together?

Mass hysteria! I've seen shit that'll turn you green Well Tom can you accompany us I mean we could always use the help We could always use the help You look like you're good in a fight I don't even have armor I'd never make it back alive

That's a seersucker suit plus three That's gonna be At least a nine Armor bonus And then your Cutlass Supreme Are you saying You like this suit?

You can always drive away I do For only two Three hundred gold You could walk out of here With this suit And I'll go home In my birthday suit

We got a deal? He sticks his hand up The ladies love it The ladies love it I make this deal Hey listen guys I'm talking your ear off Clearly you're not

Interested in buying anything I'm gonna head home You guys should do the same Rest up Leave in the morning 18 miles north of here Find that keelboat Hand him the letter

He's a cool guy From what I hear Likes White women Jesus Good luck It runs off good luck it runs off Gorbly you're in luck

Gorbly you're in luck oh man holy wow okay well I guess I

is my house ready yet? It's going to take a couple days. If you don't save your house from this imminent invasion, it's going to be worthless to you. I know, I know. The house is kind of close to where Lorx is, so you'd be neighbors. Oh, that'd be great.

Yay. Have a little garden. You can lean over the wall, talk to each other. Can you stare into the window of Lorx's room and just see it hopelessly empty at all times if i saw uh all right so what are we doing are we resting um are we staying at the gramble house still or you're not i'm staying at the ram assume. Yeah, I mean, you can stay on your cot in the sanctuary. No, no, no.

No. Your cot days are over? Yeah, no more cots for this guy. Yeah, I'll stay at home. Gormley would like to go find a certain individual before we go.

Holy shit. This is a solo mission. And I like it. So I'm assuming you just kind of ask around town, like, how do I find this guy? Yeah, and she has been doing recons. Right.

And you find out where he lives. So she goes to the house. You knock on the door, and a woman answers. This beautiful woman. And she says. Heather Graham? Played by Heather Graham. And she says, How can I help you?

We're not interested in buying anything. I'm not selling anything. I'm looking for Kesson. Kesson Plum. I have business with him. Okay. Is my husband in trouble? I don't think so.

Okay. She looks like visibly nervous. Hold on a second. Kessin! Kessin! Honey, there's a woman here to see you. Matthew is furious at his face.

He's so mad that you insult him constantly. Keston comes up and like says, honey, just go, go, go in the other room.

Go, go watch Dateline. Survivor's on next. And, so she, he kind of scurries her off and he comes outside and shuts the door behind him.

What do you want? Is this your idea or was it your father's? What? Send me away again. Listen, you dug your own grave the minute you started dabbling with that magic stuff. I hadn't thought about you a day until today. And

Gormley mutters a few words and casts her hand over her face and casts alter self and changes her appearance to look like Gormley from 25 years ago this is some drama

and he's just like not a day This is some drama. And he's just like, Not a day? I had no choice. I had no choice. You don't understand. My father. You always had a choice. We would have been shunned.

We would have been thrown out of town. She and Gormley, young, beautiful Gormley, reaches for it and grabs her on the neck and says, I had a choice too. We all had choices. What could I have done? What could I have done? Apparently nothing.

She lets him go. He kind of falls to the ground, helpless. Looks up at her. I just want to live my life. I just want to pretend it never happened. Well, you can pretend all you want. I hope your pretend life is happy. But this town, it will never last.

And she walks away. Bottle cap. Yeah! That's bottle cap. That's bottle cap that's bottle cap wordy there we go I think it went over your head nicely done

through a bottle wow it's behind that blue brown cushion I'll get it later wow that was awesome wow

wow phenomenal wow okay so I was not expecting that yeah shit uh so you guys uh the next day do you make your way to the keelboat yeah yeah yeah okay like pre-dawn we want to yeah up and out early i think we want to avoid any fanfare we want to just like yeah right yeah for sure

right yeah you you assume there would be some sort of like a parade. Baron is now wearing a belt of heavy load and he is visibly weighted down by bottles of whiskey. Like,

they're just sticking out of every corner of his body like, I'm ready to go. He cashed in his whole lifetime

at that fucking bar like, woo! You said free drinks for life. I'll take them all right now. So you guys leave early the next day, and you walk out of the gates, which have been sort of rebuilt.

Not very well, but you make your way out through those portcullis where the orcs were ramming through with the barricade. And you just kind of all have these flashbacks of the battles that were going on at those barricades. And you get back out, and as you're walking north, you see the Hope Spring in the distance. You see the barter stones where a lork was launched from a catapult.

Good times. Lieutenant Lork. Lieutenant Lork. Not at the time. Not at the time. Technicality. Like I said, you saw the Hope Spring and you see where the hole was that was the entranceway into Asgroth's tomb, the cave,

has been completely sealed over. Yeah. So you guys see this as you're walking down. A new stone-shaped spell? Yeah. Was it magically or just like they piled? They completely, yeah, they piled cement or whatever. Yeah, they blocked it up.

They walled it up. They walled it up. Okay. And you guys just kind of. You joed it up. Okay. And you guys just kind of. You joed that answer. It's like you had no creative thought left for that particular question. Abuse glue. You literally said they used cement.

They used popsicle sticks and string. And so you guys begin the trek north. And 18 miles on foot, as I'm sure you can imagine, takes the better part of the day. As you go north, you do walk within maybe a couple football fields of Jasun's burial place. And Lorca, you probably don't want to make a big deal out of it, but I can imagine you wistfully turning to the side

and seeing it in the distance under a tree where Jasan was buried and when you had your prayer vigil. And you continue walking and you arrive at the southern bank of the Kestrel River in the early evening. A whole day, yeah. And what you see is this rather large modified keelboat.

As far as you can tell, I don't know if any of you have any nautical experience. It looks to have a pretty sturdy wooden hull. I've been on a shipwreck. You have, so you would see the craft looks seaworthy. But you can also tell that it looks like it's been scavenged from other, assembled

from the scavenged wrecks of other ships. The scowl. The best parts of other boats. So it looks ungainly, but sturdy. It's got a wide forecastle on the front and a tower-like structure on the bow. The bow is the front.

Yes, right, right. The aft, maybe? On the forecastle, there's a tower at the bow. And then there's a high aft castle at the stern. You'd say the boat is about 120 feet long, 30 feet wide. It has a single mast with a large sail, as well as rowing banks.

You see rowing banks from out the side. I see a map in our future. How many O-masts does it have? Just curious. How many O-masts does it take to ride this boat? And you also hear horses whinnying. Within the boat? From within the boat?

On deck. You can hear it. Oh, there's stables on deck? You hear horses whinnying. So as you guys approach, who has the letter? Lork. Lieutenant Lork. so as you guys approach, who has the, uh, the letter? Uh, Lork, Lieutenant Lork.

Um, so I, cause I'll, you know, I'll go up to the half work rags. I'm assuming he's there. Uh, yeah.

As you guys are approaching this beefy looking ripped dude, you know, but you know, he's like a retired gladiator, but it looks like he still lifts yeah he comes strutting

off the boat towards you Galabras like kind of shies away like folds his arms this guy's you rags

plug tusk he uh he's got like scars on his face uh and he on his back you see he has a scimitar

and a kukri oh fucking badass like kind of stra And on his back, you see he has a scimitar and a kukri. Oh, fucking badass. Like kind of strapped to his back. Foreign weapons. And he's played by J.K. Simmons. Oh, nice. Oh, nice.

Great cameo. Oh, shit. Holy shit. Not my tempo. So he's a legit actor. Wait, is he human or is he a half-orc? He's a half-orc. He's a half-orc, okay. Yep.

So a green J.K. Simmons. Right, a green J.K. Simmons. Okay. Okay, so he comes walking up. Find a voice for him. Do an accent. So are you the crew? Okay, that's not what I want.

Let's do the other one. Oh, it's just so entertaining. Wait, how does Lork sound? Do Lork. He there blood tusk. He there blood tusk. So are you the crew? No, we're passengers, I think, on this ride.

Well, then, we're getting off to a wrong foot already. Because I was told by Halgra that you'd be here to help and not just be passengers. Well, we're... Just so you know, there are no passengers on my boat. There are workers. We're all willing to help. Good. Isn't that right, Baron?

I think with enough time, I could have this boat up to seafaring shape. But we'll see. We'll see what I can do. Talking shit to the captain. That's a good way to seafaring shape. But we'll see. We'll see what I can do. Talking shit to the captain. That's a good way to start. All right.

I heard you were a bunch of heroes. Well, on this ship, there are no heroes. You're a part of the crew, and you're expected to partake in daily duties aboard the vessel and defend the boat while we're in hostile waters. I defend that we can do. Good. Uh, come on aboard.

Alright. Uh. Start trudging up the gangplank. I love it! I didn't know we were gonna get on a boat. Yeah, yeah. This is great. And you get on this fucking boat. Yeah. We're on a boat! Yeah! And you see

a crew of just other half-orcs kind of running around. You would say that there's maybe like eight crew members. And then there is a obviously Captain Rag Bloodtusk.

Eight crew members, and then a hatch on the main deck opens up and a female orc comes out. Oh. Sarah? Played by Katie Segal. Oh, wow. Married with children. Married with children.

Oh. Beautiful. Also the voice of Leela. Leela from Futurama, yeah. And Sons of Anarchy. And she says yeah Blood Tusk

are these the are these the women we have joining the crew you gotta dwarf a woman a little boy and an old man great and she just goes into

like a set of double doors on the main deck and slams him behind her damn and Rax like that's my cock squane she's what?

what? squane? that's my cock squane yes there's no Q you in that word Troy cock squane her name is Hal Rax

she's a little rough around wait that's not his voice he's nine He sounds a lot like Screed And Doctani He sounds just like The other orcs

That's That's my cocksway That's That's my cocksway In Halrax There you go That's his voice She's a bit rough

Around the edges But she's good people And she's a good cocksway We're like fucking seventh graders. I wish everyone could see this shit-eating grin on Troy's face right now. Cock swain. Now listen.

I love this here, swain. As I mentioned before, if you're gonna be on this boat, you're gonna have to do work. So here's some jobs. I will give you the option of choosing what you want to do. I So here's some jobs. I will give you the option of choosing what you want to do. I'll do it this afternoon.

You'll do it now and you'll like it. Now the plan is to shove off in the early morning. It should take six days, barring any unforeseen circumstances that delay us. I'm sure there won't be any delays. None at all. Release the I'm sure there won't be any delays. None at all.

Release the Kraken. We are completely on a bed full of trips. You haven't read this book, you don't know. Now listen, Kraken. Kraken. It's going to take six days. It'll take about three and a half days to go up the River Kestrel. There, we'll meet at a confluence,

and we'll turn and take the river Esk. Now the journey along the river Esk is much rougher waters than the water at the Kestrel. So we have horses on deck and he motions to the side and you see stables with a bunch of horses in them. So what we do is

we tie the horses to the boat and the horses drag us upstream close to the shore. That's cool. So they're like, they're draft horses rather than, like, riding horses. Yes. Clearly you know your way around a horse. Yes. And a boat.

So three and a half days along the Kestrel, we'll tie the horses on and we'll bring it up the Esk. Any questions? What are the jobs? That was what I was just going to tell you. The four of you can pick any of these jobs. I need someone to help cook. I need someone to help haul in the day's catch. A fisherman.

I need a lookout. I need people who are strong that can help row the boat. Huh? Not to mention that I need strength to bring up the fishing nets if you people want to eat. But I need strong rowers. And you're working five-hour shifts on the rowboat. I need someone to help with the sounding. Do you know what that is?

It's basically to help avoid the shallows along the riverbeds. Yes, to see how deep the river is. This kid knows. I like you. Yes. You get first pick of job. Mark Twain.

Yep, yep. And then we need, and he looks at Baron, someone to do the stable mucking. So perfect. So I'll let you decide amongst yourselves what you want to do. Well, I've done a bit of cooking in my time. So you'd like to help out in the kitchen? Yes. you want to do? Well, I've done a bit of cooking in my time. So, uh,

you'd like to help out in the kitchen? Uh, yes. I certainly wouldn't mind. Perfect. Gosnok! And he calls

Half-Orc over. Yes, yes, sir. Uh, this, uh, this guy here, what is your name? Uh, Galabras.

Galabras. This is Gosnok. He's the hook You listen to him You help him out All will be well Nice to meet you Nice to meet you

Oh, I can also If it helps Double in size For 30 seconds a day Just in case If it comes up Listen, we have no time For magic tricks on this ship

No, no, no This isn't a cruise ship Your boat This is not a cruise ship. Your boat? This is not a nightly show. No, there's no yeoman. All right, Garzak will show you the ropes. Very nice to meet you, very nice to meet you. You dwarf.

Stable, my king? Well, I could either use my engineering aptitude to help you with sounding, or I could use my alcoholism to help you with fishing i'm not sure which one i want to do yet what could you use the most help with i would say fishing drinking and fishing go very well together well i'll make you a fishing lure and a fishing pole you've never ever thought could exist. I'm excited to help. Don't come on to me ever again.

Alright. I'll pull off and come to the side. This ain't the Navy. I'm no seaman. The Argonica Ventures of Beren. The woman I don't have knitting as a job

But I'm sure there's something you can help with What floats your boat? Howie skitters out of her robes And perches on the top of her head What in the lord is that? Gromit says I'll look out for you Alright I think look out for you Alright

I think I might like you You wouldn't like me When I'm angry He leans in That's how I really like him Well we have a possible love interest here For the corns Make her forget about her past loves And you my fellow Well, we have a possible love interest here for the corns.

Make her forget about her past loves. And you, my fellow half-orc, what would you like to do? Fish? Row? Stable muck? Ah, you're too good for stable mucking. I need you to maybe fish or row. What could you do? You look like you could do a lot. I could fish a row. I'd, uh... Rowing would be good exercise, and...

I've never fished before. I've never spent any time in the water. I think it might be interesting. All right, then. I'd like to do both. All right, then. We'll have you start fishing with your dwarf friend. And I'm sure we can use your help below deck as well. You let me know when you need me to row. I'll be there.

Good, good. There's a bunch of orcs. You know, I said there's about eight crew members running around. You already met Gaznak, who's the cook. And you, Lork, hear a little commotion just outside of the, like, back on the land, but you're on the boat.

Do you, like, look over? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You look over, and you... Like, I'm getting, like... I'm, like, getting weapons ready. Well, you just hear a little bit of a commotion, and you look over, and you see one of the orc crew members

has an animal in his hands, and he's like hey Rag I found a wolverine here trying to sneak in under the hull should I slit its throat and Rag's like yeah take her out

and he's holding the wolverine up and he's about to slit his throat and you all you see is like flashback you see the five orcs holding jason about to slit jason's throat and you see this helpless wolverine about to have his throat slit no no the orc looks up at you what are you i'll take it i'll take it I screamed out I can watch it

I'll keep it out of your hair It's a rabid wolverine There's nothing you can do Let it go, watch Let it go If I let this go and I can't catch it again So help me, I'll look out We'll put an arrow through its eye

And Lork will just try to say to it He'll be like Here, come here. He lets the Wolverine go and the Wolverine just goes up the gangplank and sits right in front of Lork's feet. Lork has an animal companion. Yeah!

Nicely done, nicely done. Nicely done. All right. Outro Music