The Glass Cannon Podcast - Strange Aeons Episode 22 – The Day the Music Died

Episode Date: June 28, 2022

The Glass Cannon boys returned to our nation's capital for another raucous good time at the Miracle Theatre. The crowd was thumping and the guys were on fire as things got a little out of hand when the heroes ran afoul of an amphibian infestation. Join Troy Lavallee, Joe O'Brien, Skid Maher, Grant Berger and Matthew Capodicasa as they tour the country playing the Lovecraftian Horror Strange Aeons Pathfinder Adventure Path. Watch the video here: https://youtu.be/dabQswdpF78 Recap 19:14 Gameplay 27:14 For more podcasts and livestreams, visit glasscannonnetwork.com and for exclusive content and benefits, subscribe today at patreon.com/glasscannon. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca Order up for Rebelsis! What's up, D.C.? What is up, D.C.? Yes! D.C. Joe! D.C. Joe! That was quick! That was quick!

That was quick! So good to be back! Look at this crowd! It's been too long! Do you remember our faces? Have we aged? Be honest. Be honest and be nice.

We're back we are back in our nation's capital we're not messing around this time last time we were messing around now this is

serious business which is why we charge three thousand dollars for the worst ticket in the audience right we're like the Rolling Stones of tabletop podcasts.

Yeah. That's what they say on the streets. Is that a reference to my age? No. No. But their tickets are expensive. Washington, D.C.,

you can't help but feel patriotic when you walk around this city, huh? Yeah. Every time a flag unfurls, you're coming to America. Makes me want to just buy a flag and wave it around like a crazy flag guy. Never been a big flag guy,

but I think I could get into it. See all these buildings and all these monuments. You just want to buy a flag and wave it around like there's no tomorrow. You can't help but get a little rigid for America when you're here. You can't help but feel a little stirring

down in your downstairs Washington Monument. For America. When you're in D.C., maybe your reflecting pool gets a little more reflect-y. For America. Amazing.

When you're in D.C., you know what we should do? We should buy a bunch of flags, right? Stop me if you heard in D.C. You know what we should do? We should buy a bunch of flags, right? Stop me if you heard this one. Buy a bunch of flags and just start waving them like crazy. And then we should march on the streets, Matthew. Right?

We'll march all the way to one of the... Just a building that seems to jump out at us. You know? And maybe they won't let us in, but we'll figure it out. Grant's got some guns. Matthew, you in? I don't know. I think that'd be fun.

He doesn't tell us what he's going to do or say And I'm always scared And this is why Always scared Because he's saying, I don't know what I'm going to say out there And it's like, oh no He did warn me it was going to get controversial And I was like, my family's here tonight Mine too?

Comedy is dangerous. Folks, my name is Troy LaValle, and I'll be your master of ceremonies tonight for this black tie affair. Notice I said black tie and not black tie optional, and you might be thinking, but oh, wait a minute. You guys aren't wearing, you ain't wearing suits because we're the performers.

And we're supposed to look like average people. But I'll tell you this. When we stepped out of our helicopters earlier this afternoon. And we rappelled down to the theater. Rappelled down to the theater and then gotten five separate limos just to ride around the block. We were wearing dinner jackets. So next time you should dress up. If you want to come here

to the Miracle Theater for this gala. I could totally picture Grant beats headphones, the full suit walking in with his suitcase dragging behind him, flashes constantly as he walks through the alleyways. $500 sneakers.

Yeah, like he's getting off the bus to play in the AFC Championship or something. Yeah, exactly. I'd like to take a moment and introduce four gentlemen that Forbes magazine has described as and the gang. That's true. We're having fun, huh? Don't encourage him.

To my far left tonight is a man who needs no introduction. And to my far right is Skid Maul! Yes! Skid! Skid Ma! Yes! Skid! Skid!

You old carpetbagger! How are you, buddy? I'm well. I'm very good. I'm particularly excited because two of my three sisters are here tonight. They don't live anywhere nearby. They just both came here to see the show and friends and stuff. And so Sing and Delia are both here.

And treat them well. Yeah, yeah, that's Sing. Okay. And also, my dad, who, as many of you might know, is a big fan of our live shows. He watches them on YouTube. He's been a little bit under the weather the last couple of weeks, but he was very excited for this. And he texted me. He said, give all of you, you guys, my very best.

And I expect Troy to be on his best behavior with my girls in the audience. LOL. I apologize in advance, Mr. Ma. I said, like, I'm here too. I don't know if you've noticed, Dad, but he treats me pretty shabbily from time to time. And I also have feelings.

He's like, yeah, but it'll toughen you up, son. I guarantee by the end of the night, your sisters will sign three core rule books. Get them some Sharpies. Sitting next to Skid is what people describe as the Lance Armstrong of the Glass Cannon Network. Because he loves bikes.

He loves cheating. He loves Sheryl Crow. And he has one giant testicle. Grant Berger, everybody! It's an enormous problem, and the spandex I wear on my bike rides is not helping.

Grant, I was thinking about you this morning when I woke up feeling like death, and I was like, I wonder if Grant misses this feeling, this feeling of waking up after drinking 19 Bud Light Pounders at the ballgame. Do you miss that, Grant?

I was thinking about you, too, on my bike ride today, Troy. Yeah. I was like, I bet you he's out there biking, sweating, looking thin. Meanwhile, I just felt terrible. I looked over, I bet you he's out there biking, sweating, looking thin. Meanwhile, I just felt terrible. I looked over at Skid and I said, I think I should just jump out the

window. Rather than do the show tonight. It was really impressive when you landed in the helicopter that took us to the venue. Right. It all worked out. I ripped off my tuxedo. I slept in it. You didn't get to see the article of clothing that Grant wears when he rides his bicycle.

Oh, he looks like a 1980s Olympic wrestler. Yes, that's basically what it looks like. I'll put it on screen for everyone. Not you. That's okay. Oh, there's children here. Show us your search history. I have a GCN Live only account

so that no one can see my Smart Does your wife have the password? Yep that's it There it is That's it Very nice Wow

What would the casting director say? We need a guy with seven moles Do you have a guy with seven moles. Do you have a guy with seven moles to model this? And there was one agent that was like, I got the guy. The rough shape of a little dipper. That's what I want to see on the man's stomach. A seven-mold man would be perfect.

Folks. Folks. Webster defines the word Joe as an ordinary man, an average chap, or a cup of coffee. His well-documented diuretic properties aside, our Joe is anything

but ordinary, anything but average. He is the heart and soul of the Glass Cannon Network. And with his diet and blood pressure, we're only going to have him around for a few more years. Give it up for Joe O'Brien, everybody. Joe, you dirty scoundrel. How are you, buddy? Fucking great, dude.

It's fantastic to be back here. This was one of the second to last show before we shut down. And it was so sad to not see anybody, not be on the road, not hear the crowd. And all I kept thinking in my dreams at night was like, one day I'll go back to D.C. One day it'll happen, because this place is amazing,

and I've got close friends here tonight, too. We all do. So many great friends here in D.C., and Luke, K-Carb, it's so great to have you guys here. It's like family here. It's great. Love all you guys. I don't have any friends here. You didn't need the here on the end of that.

Yeah. Yeah. One too many words in that sentence. It could have saved us about.2 seconds. We said we're trying to keep it tight. We've only got two hours. There you have it. The Glass Cannon Five, everybody.

All right, Matthew Cabotacazas. Yay! You know, Matthew, I met your wife before I ever met you. Is that true? Yes. And the reason I really liked her is because she laughs at all my jokes.

Yes, my love. And then you came along and ruined it. That is my specialty. Yes, my long-suffering wife is here and my sister who has no idea what's going on. This is the craziest this is by far the most family, like everything we've had to the show. Yeah, and my in-laws. Including New York.

Yeah. like family, like everything we've had to the show. Yeah. And my in-laws. Including New York. Yeah, our New York friends don't come to this. No, they won't. I tried to do a recap at breakfast this morning. All I can imagine is just rapt attention around the

pancakes. So then what happened next in the asylum? Well, the question my sister and her fiance kept asking was, so who plays that person? And I'd be like, Troy. And they'd go, like, as a chorus, because he's the GM. I'd be like, yes.

The whole concept is so alien to 98% of people on Earth. Yeah. And especially people that are in theater and know theater. You're like, yeah, well, you know, there's the one guy, and he just, he plays all the roles. That's the job he wants. They're like, oh, my God, he must be insufferable. You know you got them if, like, 20 minutes into the conversation,

they're like, all right, so wait a minute. How many magic missiles do you have now at this level? And is it still 1d4 plus 1? How does it work? By the way, I just got an alert that popped up on my computer. Joe asked me to set it for 8.14pm. There are three Atticae.

Yes! Very important. We don't want to forget that. Does everybody have a nice pandemic? Well, the good thing is all of America is 100% vaccinated. So we're... Looks like we're seeing the other side of this, everybody.

Good job, America. We did it. Mission accomplished. We don't have the... I don't have the banner. This is show... You never know. You never know how those are going to go. I'll skip the second part of that one.

This is show number two of the 2021 tour. We were in Philly two nights ago. How many people were in Philly? Yes! What was that? 300 people were in Philly two nights ago. How many people were in Philly? Yes! What was that? 300 people were in Philly? Amazing. Amazing if you're watching this video later. We were

in Philly and now we're back in D.C. after a 16-month break from doing shows. First show back in D.C. and we've got over 300 people here tonight. Yeah, DC! Bringing it. From the bottom of my cold black heart, I want to thank you for

supporting us and for supporting us over the whole hiatus because we had to stop the tour. We had to switch to doing more live streams. We thought that, well, it was a good run. Business over. But no, exactly the opposite and it's all thanks to you. So give yourselves a round of applause.

Do you guys like doing this? This is the first time we've done a show and then traveled to another city and done another show like Green Day does. We remind me of Green Day. We're following the Green Day does. Do you like... We remind me of Green Day. We're following the Green Day model. In the planning sessions, that's how it was termed. A young Green Day.

Did Green Day bring their crazy bike and bike rack and bike pump along with them to every store location? Maybe. You don't know Billy Joel Armstrong. You don't know! Yeah. You sound like an American idiot. I think they do. I think they're conscious about the pollution that cars give to the atmosphere,

and that's why they're Green Day. They're all bikers. Oh. Oh. We figured it out. That's it. It'll be a long night. It'll be a long night.

Do you guys like doing the show, go to another city, do another show? This is the first time. I like leaving before you and then going to the wrong hotel and showing up at exactly the same time. I was so... God damn it.

Here's the thing. That almost sounds like an example based on real life. Yeah. So I book all the hotels, and I am very good at making itineraries that are color-coded with all the information possible. So Skid and I were driving with our videographer, Harry, a good buddy of mine.

Hi, Harry. Hey, Harry. Emmy award-winning Harry Watson up there, by the way. You know, we're like, we want someone to shoot the videos. We should probably get an Emmy award winner. It just happens to be a friend of mine. Stuck as a chart. Green Day was busy, so I went with Harry.

They do event videography? No, but I think they have an Emmy for something. Shut up. Skid and I arrive at the hotel, and Grant is there ahead of us, which is weird, because I'm like, I feel like Grant left three hours before us, and he's so angry. Well, come to find out, Grant and Matthew, who were driving together, went to the wrong hotel, because rather than looking at my beautiful itinerary, they just were like, oh, that hotel? I guess there's only one of those, and there's four, and they went right to the wrong hotel. So that was one thing.

He was very upset. He unloaded his bike, unloaded everything. And then I get a call from Joe. We were supposed to go to the ball game last night. And Joe's like, so which one are we at? And I'm like, we're at this one. He's like, I'm at the wrong fucking hotel. And they just valeted my car.

I pulled up. I was like, I valeted. I got all this merch in the car. I go in. I'm like, oh, Brian, I got all this merch in the car. I go in. I'm like, O'Brien, give me your ID. I give it to him. He's like, you don't have a reservation here. I'm like, I think you're mistaken, ma'am.

So then I look at his copious and detailed notes, and there it is right in the face. You know it's your own fault, which makes it even more angry. So then I left, drove across DC traffic to the other hotel, got there, said, O'Brien. she's like, do I have your I.D.? I left it at the other hotel. I stood like this for two minutes in front of her. Trying to not have a mental breakdown.

I'm trying to go out to the ball game. It was terrifying. I rode back to the other hotel today to pick up a dongle that I ordered for this live show on my bike, and as I was dressed like this, I said, my name's Grant Berger. I believe I had a package delivered here. I believe you've seen my package.

I see you did. I see you're delivering a package right now. That is a dangerously large single testicle, first off. You can really get that looked at. She looked at me incredulously. Do you have ID? And then I reached into my breasts. No, I had it in the back of my bike.

It's less traumatic. We had tickets to go to the Nationals game last night. Joe's so mad. And the phone, he's like, enjoy the game. I texted Joe to say, I think I did the same thing you did. And he wrote back four flaming angry head emojis. Did you voice dictate that? That's amazing.

And then I said to Grant, enjoy the game. It was actually funny, because at the game last night, we all went, and we have Harry and Brennan. Harry's won an Emmy, and our employee number one, Brennan, has got a national championship ring. He played for Clemson in the national championship game.

Led the team in yards per carry, right? Brennan! Brennan! In our row, it was like we had an Emmy, like an ACC championship ring, a national championship ring, and then us. The gang. The gang.

The gang. The gang. Well, I like it. I like doing these two shows. I think if it was up to me, we'd do a show every four days, and then you guys would get tired. Yeah, no, I love it mainly because of the game. I love just going right back into the story.

Because I love me a little Strange Aeons. I'm having a lot of fun with this AP. Yeah, I think it's my, well, you know, I have a special place in my heart for Giant Slayer. It was the first show that we've ever done. It's coming to an end pretty, pretty soon. But in terms of stories, this one might be my overall favorite.

Whoa. Hot take. Hot take, bro. I think it's appropriate now to jump back into that story. Yes, please. And the way we like to do it is with the recap.

Oh. Oh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Whoa. Grant Berger, ladies and gentlemen. That's what you get when you get Grant full time.

Yes. Where's this man's Emmy? That's what I want to know. Yeah. Moles be damned, you make a good recap video. They're beauty marks, Troy. I got made fun of in Philly because my recap was too long oh I'm sorry

I care about the story so much that I get a little verbose in my recaps it was 45 minutes long and I was like we have a very limited show time but then I was thinking about it I was like you said everything you said was important I was like there's so much that we have to worry about it just got me more and more anxious

I'll keep this one tight though. Give me some, give me some good recap music. All right. Set the mood. Set the mood with some music, something to underscore my dulcet peanut butter utter and velvet voice, as they say. Our heroes have left the asylum. It's in the past. Let's not talk about the past. They've left the asylum behind, and now they're in the city of Thrushmore, investigating their connection to a man named Count Hazerton Lowes IV. What do you need to know about Lowes?

He's the de facto leader of this county where Threshmore sits. He abandoned his posts for some unknown scholarly pursuits. He may have been embezzling money from the town before he left. No.

Yes. The worst kind of crime. Money crime. Yes. Money crime. Money crime. Yes, right. Money crime. Money crime. Put it in the file under money crime. My client is clearly not guilty

of this money crime that you've charged him. It's this imaginary money crime you speak of. Joe's so smart, and money crime came out. That's amazing. Three of you, Boop and Boop, used to work for him in some capacity. He's the one that had you committed, and he may be behind why you have huge gaps in your memory about your recent past. You get to town, you get to Threshmore, and things are a little weird here.

People are going missing. There's strange murals all over town, and everyone you meet remembers you as being a real piece of doo-doo. So Sadia Rents at the Sleepless Detective Agency tells you that when the royal accuser, this, like, badass government inquisitor, when she came to town to look into Lyle's disappearance, she went to Fort Hailcourse,

the seat of the town's magistrate, who also mysteriously up and left town. The accuser went to the fort and never returned. You know that Lowell's assistant, some woman named Mellie Sen, was left in charge of Lowell's estate, Iris Hill, when he took off. You discover that she was buying sleep-inducing drugs off of a cave druid that you ruthlessly murdered in cold blood without asking her name. You know our thoughts on druids.

And the Irish. Our position is very clear. We've drawn a line. No Irish need apply. She step-danced all the way to the grave. As you're exploring the town, you're attacked in the streets

by four cultists of the king in yellow. Cultists of Hastur, who you now know seem to appear out of these murals that are all over town. Are they using the murals as teleporting devices? Are they being transported here from fucking Carcosa? Yes, they are.

You have no idea. But something effed up is going on In Thrushmore What is it? Yeah, tell us Dude, you want to talk about making the show hot It's cut right to the chase So what's going on? Just tell us what's going on

I promise you will know By the end of book six Sixteen years from now Yeah So the other night in Philly You finally get back to the inn to rest where you're confronted by a young woman named Holisa. Holisa McIntosh, to be correct.

Julie's granddaughter? Yes. Allegedly. Allegedly, yes. She wants you to help her find her brother, Shone, one of many people who have just disappeared during this recent strangeness. You tell her, fine, just leave us alone so we can rest.

We're exhausted. People have tried to kill us seven times today. So you do rest, and you wake up fifth level. Yes! Yes! So you head to Fort Halecourse to find out what the story is over there, and it's cold and rainy when you arrive. You see the garrison is very lightly manned,

the tips of spears and bows peeking out over a couple of the five towers. You knock on the door, and the constable left in charge answers. tower as you knock on the door and the constable left in charge answers you're welcome the constable is quite short with you and she tells you that she can't let you in that the magistrate left her in charge and that she can't help support the town with soldiers because they all left after they stopped getting paid. Then she slams the keyhole on you. Sensing something was wrong, Halster Price conjures an air elemental through the arrow loop to unlock the door from the inside. But before that can happen, two soldiers inside the garrison attack the air elemental. You get the door open and realize that the soldiers inside are not human, but instead

they're juju zombies dressed in the guise of mercenaries. You take the first two down, in the guise of mercenaries. You take the first two down, then two more come in, followed by a third wave, and it got pretty hairy there. Aldo Casimir almost went down for the old permanent sleep. Luckily, Sir Julie Andrews

used the bottleneck of the doorway to her advantage and was able to cut down each wave, and Atticus Grimm, the rat-foat wizard, delayed his turn no less than six times. You're welcome. Now you're in the garrison.

The constable that spoke to you is nowhere in sight. There are several doors around you, including the open one where that second and third wave of juju zombies came at you. And most importantly, you know that something dark is going on here in Thrushmoor, and you might be the only ones that can deal with it. Grant, let's go to roll 20. Take it to the map! Oh! I've embellished the scene with some aftermath here.

Oh, my God. Brad, what have you been doing over there? Don't ask questions, money crimes. Joe Money Crimes O'Brien. There are seven dead bodies. There's blood everywhere. Look at this. It's horrible.

Oh, God. Oh, no. It's pouring out into the streets. Oh, God. It's terrible. It's like The Shining in here. It really is. So much blood.

It really is. That's way too much blood. Well, you killed them two nights ago. They've just been bleeding out. We've just been standing there staring at them. Just standing there. Waiting for the DC show to start. It's horrible.

You can't even see the doors anymore. We just drown. We just drown. You've got the doors you came in. Not as interesting. Got a door over here to the West East. Always get that wrong. Always. It's coming out of my mouth and I'm like

get it right, Troy. The West East. People are watching. Just remember we. East. I know it's East. I just. No, we. It spells we. What? West East. I know which one's East. I just forget. You just say we like the word we. W-E. We? Yes.

We. Does anyone know what he's talking about? You are so stupid. Thank you for my golden log, whoever. Is that you? I shall cherish it and put it in my pants. It functions. There are doors to the north.

Did I get that right, Matthew? North? You got it. Good job. Just say we. I have no idea what you're talking about. And then behind this blood, I'll remove it,

there is a door, shma, where all of these zombies came in. Sir Jules, you saw a little peek in there. I'll tell you what, it's dark. The only reason you're getting some light in this room is it's streaming in from the outside. But it's a cold gray light because it's raining out. So it's dark in there.

You see a little bit of light, and you can see over here on the map that there is an arrow loop that's streaming in a little bit of light, but it's dark. There's sconces on the wall where one could put torches every 15 feet or so. But you've got some options here. The east, north, west. Congratulations. Praise Log. Praise Log. What do you want to do?

Want to search the bodies? Yeah. Oh, shit. I don't have my iPad. Good night, everybody. I thought he'd never leave. I know. Now we can have a good time.

Yeah! Joe, touch all his dice. Yes. Before he gets back. Did you find it? Yes. Sweet. Let's get to work.

Can I have that die back, please? What die? How dare you. Illusion, Michael. you know what's so funny it was sitting on a 20 yeah used it up every time I say that

when we play our game I'm like oh man I used it up with the wrong thing Matthew goes you know that's not how that works funny story

I was this close to saying it right then good buddies alright Funny story. I was this close to saying it right then. Good buddies. All right. You want to look at what they have? Yes. I've got a log in my pants.

I don't know why I did that. It's really uncomfortable. You can take it out. Is that a golden log in your pants? Why, yes. Or are you just a 42-year-old child? Both? All right. They're all wearing studded leather

because they were fucking studs in a past life. I saw it coming just like a half second before. Because they were studs. Seven pieces of studded leather armor. They all had masterwork longbows, masterwork longswords. Oh. No money. Well, they were zombies.

They had arrows. I'll say they each had 15 arrows. Oh. So, I don't know. Unless studded leather is a big step up for any of you, which I don't think it is. No, probably not. I think I could throw a party with a couple of my friends with that.

Do any of them, all of them are older than Sean would be, right? Older than Sean? Sean? Yes. Okay. He was a child? You think that he's like a teenager. And these all look like they were men and women before

they were turned into juju zombies. Now, you don't know if they were the former mercenaries. Seems like it. Or maybe somebody has a bunch of juju zombies laying around in their closet, and they dressed them up. If I had a nickel. Like it was fucking Halloween. I know somebody made at least a pretty decent knowledge check about juju zombies.

Would they? Yeah, okay. Do you know, like, where where how they're made like what's what what differentiates them yes yeah because i was particularly confused about why they were not mindless typically a zombie is mindless and not so full of fresh blood yeah so what makes them so different what's's the deal with GG zombies? They are animated corpses of creatures, and they're created to serve as minions, as undead minions.

They retain the skills and abilities they possessed in life. So very little. Well, you know what that would lead you to believe? They were the mercenaries. They were the mercenaries. They were the mercenaries. That's why they seem like they knew what they were doing, because it's part of their muscle memory. Their training, right?

Right, their training is protect the garrison, but now they're working for someone else. I'll grab one of the bows, but maybe we can throw everything else in the bag of holding. Yeah, yeah. Those masterwork swords are worth a good amount. It's legit. Two questions.

Can I have some healing? Number one. Number two. Would you mind giving me a little light, dear? Oh, no, it would be my pleasure. Atticus will step up, cast light on Sir Julie's what? You don't use a shield, so just on your greatsword. Sure.

She gets a shining greatsword and Halster, is there anything you can do for her? Heal her. I am low on healing, so we must be careful moving forward. Stop your whining! Ah. Watch your mouth, rat.

Oh, whoa. Oh, inter-party tension. Inter-party tension. For my wife and sister, Joe's character is a rat. Yeah, we're not in the mob. I'll, I'll spend... No one else is hurt, right? I am also very badly hurt.

All right, I will use a blessing to empower one of my final channels of the day. Seven points of healing for everyone. Wow, great. You burned a couple spells. Did you use restoration to cure some charisma damage for anyone? We decided not to, but both of the spells I tried to cast were interrupted.

That's right. You lost two spells in Philadelphia. Now that you're not in the middle of a fight, you see that beyond the double doors of this entrance, this modest lobby, there's a long bench for visitors, a small two-wheeled supply cart,

and an attractive standing mirror. There's also a faint briny smell in the air. Everybody roll a perception check. There'd be a 10 for Aldo Casimir. 23.

13 for Atticus. 16 for Halster. No good. So Julie, as everyone is recovering from this and Atticus's mirror images go away, God damn it. You are taking in the scene here, looking at the doors, looking at the room,

and you see your own reflection in the mirror. And for a split second, something seems strange about it. It seemed like it moved. And it didn't match up with your movement for like a split second. And you don't know if you're just, you know, exhausted from that battle

and your mind is playing tricks on you, but it looked like you turned towards the mirror and then like there was this split second where the image turned a little bit later than you did. Sir Julie does the awkward salmon to Atticus. One of those. No, like this. Oh.

He leans his head into the mirror. Right, and the head comes. And he just moves around. Everything seems fine. What's wrong with you? Moves around. Everything seems fine. What's wrong with you?

I thought it didn't move when I moved. It didn't work like a mirror works. It wasn't in sync. Didn't happen for you? No. Atticus is not one to lightly throw aside Sir Julie's instincts because she's the hero of the party. So he is going to roll a knowledge arcana, maybe? See if this is a particular kind of magical mirror or something

that's like a thing. 22. Knowledge arcana. No, you just have this faint signature of magic that is receding. The second you detect it, it's gone. I wonder if we're being scryed upon. But the mirror itself doesn't appear to be magical. Okay.

You know what? While you mention it, I will do detect magic. Okay. And I will swath that in a 60 foot cone all around kind of just to see a lot of unopened doors see if there's any magic emanating from any of these areas cool, alright

well, I will tell you that I don't think oh, oh show me your cone again we're not alone, Troy There you go It's pretty big, 60 feet

It's a pretty good cone Thank you It's impressive The Irish are not known for big cones You are detecting some magic From the From Shma? East You are detecting some magic from the From Shma? East

I'm picking up magical resonance to the east Should we go through these doors? Since this door is probably going to lead to a similar staircase up to the tower Yes Alright, Sir Julie will kick in the door Yes Excellent Right case up to the tower. Yes. Alright, Sir Julie will kick in the door. Yes.

Excellent. Wait! I'm still pretty badly hurt! Oh! Oh. Right. Right. I can give you a potion of Cure Lay Wounds, if you would like. Eleven points of healing. Oh, I'm good.

No, never mind. Good. Kick through the door. Bam! I will cast Light on my wooden shield before you do that, and we'll have that active for the duration. That's good. And one other thing I didn't mention, just pointing it out, that just on the other side of the doorway to the west are stairs going up that you assume go up that tower. I didn't mention that. You mentioned it exactly. I really don't think I did. You literally said that word for word.

Maybe that was in Philly. I was basically quoting you from Philly. Shut up. Like a steel trap. Can I kick in the door now? Kick away. Bam. Boom.

Boom. Boom. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Rain

is coming down from the sky into this open courtyard. Unlike the darkness that you saw up ahead through the doorway to the west, there is light here from the darkness that you saw up ahead through the doorway to the west. There is light here from the sky.

I've heard of that. It looks like there's darker dirt and then there's a patch of lighter dirt so it looks like Oakland Coliseum during football season. It's like the infield dirt is still there. A lot of baseball fans out there? ball season. It's like the infield dirt is still there. Yeah. I'm with you.

A lot of baseball fans out there? The Fort's courtyard is muddy. There's patches of grass and weeds sprouting from the soil, mostly along the walls. You see up ahead and around the corner

a brick well standing at the center of the courtyard. I'll reveal it in a second. And a grate for grilling foods. Actually, you can't see this, but it stands around the corner to the south. Here's the thing. Sir Julie, have you entered there yet? Yeah. Okay.

Up ahead past the well there you see two dogs milling about and as you enter they look at you and start growling I say hello there doggies would you like a scrap of

rations what kind of food do we carry Would you like a scrap of... Rations? What kind of food do we carry? Jerky? Salt? Pork? They're eyeing you very carefully, and you don't know if they're going to attack or if there's a point where it's going to get hairy, but they seem very angry.

And then the one in the back kind of comes around, and this guy steps up, and they just... I'd like to try out a zero-level spell that might be useful here. Sato Voice, your dry, rasping whisper fills a living creature with four or fewer hit dice with a natural dread. The effective creature must make a will save or be shaken for one round. Maybe just try to scare them off. Okay. I like this. I don't think they like rations, and I don't think

we have anything else to bargain with these dogs. They could eat the zombies, but I don't think it's going to be very tasty, no. All right. Well, here's what I'll tell you, Grant. I'll let you know how that's going to work. If they'll both roll, they're a will save. If they pass, they're probably going to get angry. Oh, boy.

If they fail, you might have a moment to explore while they're peeing. Are they ignoring us? They're pointed right at you like they're going to attack, but they're seeing what you're going to do. If you back off, they'll probably be cool. Do you want to back off or try to scare them with this whisper? Does anyone have a handle on them? Can someone summon a Gainsburger?

I've really dated myself with that one. Yeah. Wow. Do you want to cast it, Grant? That grate that I was talking about is over here, Sir Julie. There's a door just to your right that leads back around to the south, back into the building, you would think. But to the right of that is a great

looks like there might be a kitchen or something on the other side. Let's see if we can edge around into that next room before I cast it. It's a DC 13 will save. He's going to make it so I don't pass it. Sir Julie will calmly and authoritatively step forward and, internalizing

some of the lessons of Cesar Millan, just gently establish herself as the alpha in the courtyard. Okay. What do you do? I walk forward with confidence and authority, like I just said. Okay. Okay.

I make that sound as they start to get a little... Okay. Roll an intimidation check. All right. To demoralize the dogs. Oh. Poor dogs.

Okay. 18. That's pretty good. They don't immediately attack you. I quickly wave everybody forward behind me to get down the passageway. How do they feel about giant rats? Are they like, you're cool.

Keep moving. Halster, you sneak up. You see that Sir Julie's getting awfully close to these dogs. Their barking has not, or their growling has not subsided, but they're not attacking you. But you know that this is a powder keg just waiting to explode. Are they guarding the well? Are they guarding deeper into this place? You don't know, but you do see, now that you're deeper into the courtyard, four dog houses

on the wall to your left. And then more doors exiting the courtyard. It's the case of the missing two dogs. A Hardy Boys adventure. Actually, like I said, there's light out here,

so you can even see along the west, there's a passageway that... Motherfucker, will you reveal and not hide? Also, I believe that's to the east. To the... Damn it. To the east, there's a passageway that goes to the east

with another door leading to the north, and you see that it goes around. So there's lots of means of getting out of here and also entering into the courtyard from several different places. So Halster is going to say, Nice doggy, nice doggy, and then back into the door that's immediately to his south.

Oh, really? Yes. Oh, no. Backing into the old door, are you? Yes. So, Julie, caught me. All right, so Halster backs into the doorway, away from the dogs. You've got light, and you do see a kitchen.

You see a small kitchen fitted with a cabinet, a stone work table, a blackened iron cauldron hangs in the fireplace, and a set of stairs lead up. Okay, he's going to do a

perception check over the room for anything unusual, any dog food he's looking for in traps Or dog food traps Looking for dog food in traps Everybody calm down Just looking for dog food in traps That's all the warrant specifies Dog food in traps

Ma'am please take a seat Calm down ma'am It smells like a seat Calm down, ma'am It smells like dog food in your car Mind if I search it? Is your car trapped, ma'am? Just a nine Just a nine You don't see any dog food.

And you don't see any traps. I'm going to step over to what looks like the burner stove to let other people enter if they want. Okay. Sir Julie, you're still facing off with these dogs. What do Atticus and Aldo do? I follow Sir Julie's lead, of course. Behind her back, she waves the mom into the room. Yes. Yes.

We're cool. We're cool. Just chill out. Go in, Sir Julie. I'll follow. I'll stay here and block your way. Yes, good idea. Much better. I'm wearing heavy armor. Out of. Go. Right. This is how I'm wearing heavy armor. Aldo, go.

Right. This is how I wanted to spend my day. Bailed up by a pair of dingoes. There you go. Hopefully I used that slang correctly. We don't get more complaints. From the entire continent full of really specific people. Aldo sneaks around the corner and sneaks into the room,

leaves room for Atticus to sneak into the room, and then closes the door on Sir Julie. Good luck, Sir Julie. May seven rape be with you. Do you know what this kitchen reminds you of? The green room. Yeah, way bigger? The green room. Yeah. Way bigger than the green room.

Sir Julie slowly backs into the kitchen and slowly closes the door. Closes the door. Crisis averted. Crisis averted. Nice. We've outwitted a pair of dogs The greatest heroes of Galerian history There's stairs leading up There's also a door leading further east

Maybe it wraps around to that door Leading east in the lobby Maybe it leads to another room You won't know until you open it, but there's also stairs going up and there's a cauldron and cabinets. What do you do? Search the room. What? Search the room. You search the room.

Okay? The cabinet looks like it contains enough kitchen tools and cutlery for a chef and a sous chef. A couple of cooks. And enough dishes and flatware for two dozen diners. Is it recently used?

Can I finish what I was saying? It was a very pregnant pause. I thought I could jump in there. The cauldron in the fireplace contains a greasy residue. Skid, was that you?

It wasn't me. I tell you it was me. It wasn't me. The cauldron in the fireplace contains a greasy residue and some discarded bones. And as you continue to look, you're like, those ain't discarded bones. And as you continue to look, you're like, those ain't chicken bones.

There be human bones. Which ones? There's an ulna. And a femur. No! Worst bone. Certainly not. And, uh...

I was going to say, name one other bone fast. Don't Google it. He's Googling. He's Googling bones. I can see it. He's Googling bones. He's Googling bones. Stop it.

You're a bone Googler. You're getting closer to my search history, Troy. I'm going down a dark bone road right now. You don't want to be on this road. Honey, we need to talk. I thought you were performing in D.C. and I see a history covered in bones. There was a very interesting detail

in the information you gave us just telling us about the kitchen, though, Troy, serving about two dozen people, of which we may have killed seven, if they are still there. That's a good note, Grant. Yeah. Is it bottle cap work? Oh! Whoa!

Not quite. Oh! I feel like Scrooge McDuck. He's got so many. He's got so many. You're such a cap tease. Bottle cap! There is also a coccyx bone.

Now we're talking. There's an ulna, a femur, and a coccyx. The likes of which you've never seen. Oh, I've seen this before. It's coccyx stew. It's coccyx stew. Quite popular in Ustalav. Can Aldo do a heel check

to see if he thinks they're actually eaten? Okay. You can tell the muscle's scraped away from the bone or whatever. Yeah. 15. Yeah, somebody ate them. These were food.

Food! Cannibals. Sir Julie, do the teachings of your goddess have anything against, I don't know, feeding human bones to dogs to calm them down a bit?

I don't know. I shall pray on this. Give me an hour. There's no time. It's a good idea, But why don't we push forward Yeah just as a contingency plan Atticus is focusing On this magic

To the east We seem to be getting closer And he kind of wants to go through that eastern door Rumors Grooves of magic to the east. I'll listen at the door. Okay. 24.

It's very quiet. You could hear a coccyx drop. Alright, I will open the door. Oh! Chug-a-gum-ga-gum-ga-gum-ga-goo Chug-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga. Cha-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga. Yeah!

Oh, my, do you see a room here? It's furnished with a wooden desk Decorated with a Ustlavic coat of arms The walls are almost completely draped as well With warm woolen tapestries Maybe some kind of office Tapestries? Tapestries. Maybe some kind of office. Tapestries? Tapestries, yes. Tapestries?

You think, okay. Oh, dare he. Maybe this was an important person's office. Someone that took the time to decorate it. The desk stands near the southern wall while a cabinet and chair sit against the northern wall. There's a window overlooking the courtyard,

three doors leading out, and another mirror hanging on the wall near the door to the northwest. I think we should potentially commit some art crimes and slash those tapestries, just given the nature of art that we've seen so far in this world. What are those tapestries just given the nature of art that we've seen so far in this world.

What are the tapestries depicting? We don't need to slash all art. It's not like we're ever going to burn the books just because someone jumped out of one. It's called a pop-up book. It's fine.

Sounds like a communist to me. Wait, are you talking about me or the book? Both. What do the tapestries depict? Oh, things. Could you please go into detail? Oh my, it's too gruesome. I cannot go into it.

It's just, it's... Do they resemble the murals we've been finding all around town? No, no, no. It's more pastoral landscapes and also battles, battles that look like they have historical significance. But I can tell you right now you don't have to roll on it.

You don't recognize it. Could have had to do with the founding of Threshmore, maybe. Right. Because you do see the Ust-Lavik coat of arms prominent in the murals as well. prominent in the murals as well. Desk, cabinet, chair, two doors, and then more stairs leading up, which, again, you would assume go to another level of the john. Now, Joe, what do you think of my Rule 20 work tonight?

There's one problem. Okay, I want you... Like this, for example. Is this a secret wall here? All right, I knew you would have one complaint. Now are you happy? Honestly, this right now is perfect work. Okay.

This is great. You always got to comment. But yes, it looks so much better to us. It checks out. I want to keep focusing that detect magic. I never stopped casting. It just keeps focusing. So where's it coming from?

Is it something in this room? Okay. I will tell you that it is coming from the cabinet. The cabinet, Sir Julie. Yes. That is the source of our magic. Sir Julie will enter the room and open a Julie. Yes. That is the source of our magic. Sir Julie will enter the room and open a cabinet.

Careful, it may be trapped. Perception check. Or there could be dog food. 16 perception for traps from 25 feet away. It does not appear to be trapped. I open the cabinet. The cabinet was trapped.

Swoom! A needle comes flying out of you. Oh, no! Really? Yeah, legit needle. I started reaching for my D20, and I was like, oh, they're going to see me do that, so I'll just casually move my hand back.

Oh. And then Joe rolled a shitty 16. And now my plan is complete. Here, to hit. Against Touch AC. Uh-oh. Oh, no. Ah, shit.

31 against Touch? Whoa! Yeah, that hits. Did I get you? Troy's gonna roll. Troy's gonna roll. You're totally screwed. Okay.

Here's what's gonna happen. You're totally screwed. Okay. Here's what's going to happen. Oh, this is fun. Give me a fortitude save. Is this a disease? You're a disease. No, it's a poison. Oh, it should have been me. Natural 17, 23.

Yeah! Yeah! Oh, yes! Oh! Natural 17, 23. Yeah! Yeah! Oh, yes! Oh! You take some damage. Take one point of damage. Oh, God!

Oh, no! Oh, God. Shall I heal you, Sir Julie? Shall I? And you're not poisoned. What? A relief. This needle comes flying out on a spring, hits you, right in a little opening in your armor,

gets into your skin, and you're just able to bear down and not let the blue winnis poison course through your veins. I hand the needle to Aldo for inspection. He takes it needle side up, and it goes into his hand. Fortitude save. Why did you thrust it into my open palm with the sharp side down? I don't know.

Look at this, Aldo. Aldo, you're familiar with this. Poison needle to someone. What's wrong with you, Sir Julie? That's just how Sir Julie hands needles. In her family, that's how they pass the needle. Back in her day, that's how it was done. I suppose I can't get angry.

You pull the needle out, and you see inside of the cabinet a magical cloak. A magical dagger. Oh! And a leather bag containing money. Yes. Money crime. I thought they couldn't pay their mercenaries. Interesting you would say that.

Bottle cap. Oh. Oh, come on, man. He really does have so many. Scrooge McDuck. You're like you're Scottish, not Irish. 1,268 gold pieces, 142 silver pieces,

and 343 copper? What? Give me a spellcraft on this cloak and this dagger. Wait, did I say cloak and dagger? Oh. There's the name of the episode. Yes. Spellcraft.

Is Daphne Coleman in there? Coming in hot. He comes out hot. It was I. I was the magistrate. Atticus says, let me look at them. I think I've seen this before. 27.

Spellcraft. It is a plus one returning dagger. Spellcraft. It is a plus one returning dagger. Oh, wow. Nice. And it is a cloak of elven kind. Oh. Nice. These cloaks of famed elven design are enhanced to reflect the wearer's surroundings,

aiding him or her in blending in with any terrain. When this plain gray cloak is worn with the hood drawn up around the head, the wearer gains a plus five confidence bonus on stealth checks. That's a plus five stealth bonus. Yeah. That's pretty good. Who's interested in said cloak? I'd certainly like one. I'm sort of interested.

I don't know. I have a cloak of resistance plus one. You don't want to give that up. Yeah, you're not particularly... You're also not particularly stealthy or good at this game. Yes, I am. Stealthy. Stealthy. Stealthy, that is.

So, Aldo gets it? Woo. Thank you. Let that be reflected in the artwork that will come from tonight's sesh. Yeah, remember,

Angeline. Yes. Aldo's wearing an elven cloak. Yes. Fromo's wearing an elven cloak. Yes. From now on. But not the cloak of resistance. No.

Definitely not. No. They'll get it done. What do you want to do here? A lot of options. Still got that door back from whence you came. Now you know that the door just next to Halster leads back into the lobby. But then you've got a door that goes in. Well, actually, that's a window there

that looks out on the courtyard. And across that window, you do see another door to the north. And then you've got a door leading straight east. Yay. Well done, Troy. Well done.

I will first search the desk, in case this is the desk of the magistrate. Ooh. If need be, I shall slam my great sword down upon it and cleave it in twain. Yes. Cleave it in twain. And your sword cuts through so perfectly that it cuts through the name on every single document

on the desk. I said if necessary. It's unreadable now. But you do see a lot of documents. There's a lot going on. Nothing that seems like super important. It seems to be very bureaucratic that they are

almost all signed by Magistrate Padgett. I believe it's Tillman Padgett. If you care, I'll look it up. Oh, yeah, Tillman. Tillman. Tillman? I think Tillman.

Okay. Tea for the Tillman. All right, let's go to the next room. Okay. To the east. To the east! So, Julie. I open the door.

Lead us. You open the door to the east. Who's ready to have some fun? Oh! It's been building up, the tension! You open the door to the east. Who's ready to have some fun? It's been building up, the tension. You open the door to the east, and right on the other side of the door is a creature.

It is a creature that is hunchbacked, green-skinned, with a wide frog-like head, but a mouth more akin to that of a toothy fish standing right there with a trident! Whoa! It looks like this.

Hold on, I'll give you the old shudda-dun-da-dun! Whoa! Is that Gilman. And you see others behind it. Roll for initiative. Oh, my God. Oh, it's going down.

I know this is a show. I know there is an audience, but I'm having a fucking blast. Just playing Pathfinder. It's the tension, man. It's the tension. And right when we started that encounter, I could sense how excited your wife was. She was like, yes, an encounter. That's what I came for.

Yes. That's what I'm here for. Wait, they get to roll more dice and say more numbers? Caitlin loves that. Sometimes we just, instead of watching TV, we just sit there and we roll dice. And say numbers out loud. And say numbers out loud. Oh, 12.

Thought it would be higher. Are they dirty dice? Looks like I rolled a blow and a tummy. And Caitlin goes... And you giggle like a baby. Coming soon to a merch store near you. The old blow tummy. My son loves it.

I sense a revenue stream. Glass cannon, dirty dice. Dirty dice. We have to do that. Hold on. I got lick tummy. You're all tummy again? All right.

Natural tummy? Natural tummy! Natural tummy! Bottle cap! Natural fucking tummy! Bottle cap. All right. Let's talk about Anish Aldo.

23 for Aldo. My goodness. Halster Price. 15. 15. Solid. Atticus Grimm. 22.

22. Cool. Sir Julie. 10. Oh, looks like you rolled lick. I'm just picturing rolling lick and then picking up the second dice and being like, please no. Please no.

Not the natural one. Not the natural one of licks. We all know what that is. I don't need to say it. All right. Apparently Glass Cannon Dirty Dice is the most dangerous game. Sir Julie, from where you're standing, you and Halster, and I'll even say Atticus to a certain degree,

that light coming from Halster and from Sir Julie, you both have light cast on you, allows you to see further into the room, and you see there are two of these creatures. But from where you're standing, Sir Julie, I'm going to let you see even more. There are four of these creatures. Oh, dear.

Looks like some sort of dining room. Again, three more doors leading out Little bit of light coming in from the arrow loop But it's really the light that Halster and Sir Julie are providing That's allowing you to see what's happening in there And there were four of these creatures And again, they look pretty nasty Yeah, it's gish

It is a little gish-ish Yeah, it's gish. It is a little gish-ish. Yeah, it's very gish-ish. Are they low-confinance? No, they are not. They're Gilman, right? I gave you that for free. Roll a check if you want to know. It is Aldo's turn.

Aldo, you hear Sir Julie go, Ah! Aldo hears that cry of dismay and steps in and takes a look over Halster and to Julie's shoulder and sees this horrific creature

that looks much like our friend Nick Lowe and he says I like to sing everything I do I love you Nick did you like that Kate Karp Everything I do. I love you, Nick. Did you like that, K-Carp?

Our sing opera on the subway. I'm sorry. that's nick all right he got himself so embarrassed so uh so he sees this is oh and uh he just sort of runs his fingers down his fancy leather bandolier and goes to the pocket mark B and, like, pops it open and pulls out an extract. Oh! Guzzles it down. And he casts Bomber's Eye on himself.

Ooh! That's good. Talk to me about Bomber's Eye. Bomber's Eye. This extract allows you to throw weapons farther and more accurately. While this extract is in effect, increase the range of any thrown weapon by ten feet. In addition, you receive a plus one insight bonus on attack rolls made with thrown weapons. Very good.

To close my explosive bombs. So Aldo drinks an extract To prepare for the battle ahead And it is Atticus' turn Atticus, I'm sorry Your mirror images are gone But you would agree it's been more than five minutes Yeah, that's fine You win this round, LaFallee

Don't say it Atticus is just going to I'm not going to say it I'm just going to waste a turn instead of delaying a turn. I think that's better. It's a live show in D.C. You should just waste a turn. Atticus has a kind of knee-jerk reaction because he gets the jump on this.

He's going to try to cast a spell on the creature. Or I guess maybe a spell like ability on the creature right on the other side of the door to try to give Sir Julian advantage. He is going to cast a Blinding Ray on the creature. Blinding Ray Leota. It is a, you know,

give it its necessary bonuses, but it is flat-footed and it is a ranged touch attack. So here we go. Okay, so you're shooting through two people, so I'm just going to get a plus four to its AC, but it is flat-footed and it is a ranged touch attack. So here we go. Okay, so you're shooting through two people. So I'm just going to get a plus four to its AC, but it's touch? Touch, yeah. Here we go. Ooh, dude, that's a 22 against touch AC.

Whoa. That is a hit. That is a hit. Whoa, nice. If the creature is less than 5 HD, it is blinded for one round. No save. No save. Wow.

He's blind. Yeah. Ooh. Yeah, blind for one round. Blinded by Ray Liotta. Head up like a goose. Okay, so he is blinded. Nobody likes that.

Let's see. It's one of their turn, but it's not his turn. It's actually this guy in the back. Now, this is tricky because it's a small space. Sir Julie's blocking the door. His buddy's blocking the door. I think he's just going to hang back for a second.

Don't say it. And we'll... He's going to delay. Ha ha ha ha! Boo! Boo! How dare you! How

dare you! Now, it is the one who just got blinded's turn, and he is like... Just flailing around. He is going to move back and trip. Oh, no, he can't. Very smart. Can you take a five-foot step when you are blind? It doesn't matter, he can't put it. Damn it. Very smart.

Can you take a five foot step when you are blind? It doesn't matter. You can't take it anyway. Oh, because I'm one foot up. Yeah. Very sneaky. Yeah.

He didn't even know what he was doing. Oh, I know what I was doing. Sir Julie hasn't went yet. I haven't went yet. She hasn't went yet. She hasn't went yet. She hasn't went yet.

Blow. Ear lobe. Blow Earlobe Alright, and then maybe another one is going to wait as well and it's Halster's turn They're trying to draw us into the room, Halster Be careful Halster is going to swift action cast Divine Favor on himself

and step up to the blinded Nick Lowe and swing out Yes Kill him! Leave Spider-Man rudderless Natural 19 for Critical Hit. Critical hit.

Critical hit. Critical hit. Critical hit. Critical hit. There's old Nick Lowe. All right, he is blinded. His AC is crazy low. Roll to confirm the crit.

Oh, shit. 14. That is a critical hit. Yes! Yes! 14. That is a critical hit. Yeah! Yes!

All right. Imagine him doing that in that singlet. My only fans is slash singlet boy. Slash singlet boy. Mo lover. B-O-I Slash singlet boy. And that's with an I? B-O-I. Like an F boy? You know what I mean?

Mo lover 69. They said he's a singlet boy. I said, see you later, boy. Said he's a singlet boy. Joe, do we have a crit that is based in this area, which we are? No. Nothing? No. Nothing? No.

That's taxation without representation. Not one that's approved, anyway. I don't like it either. That's a big anti-taxation without representation crowd here tonight. It's Washington, D.C. All right, this one from Jordan or George Zoney. George Zoney here tonight?

No. Hi, Jordan. From Portland. Portland, Oregon. Didn't fly out. Yeah, sorry. We don't have one right now for melee. Here we go. It's called Destroy Them All. Oh, I like that. I don't like that. Your strike instills fear and reluctance

into the enemy while inspiring your own teammates with courage. All allies roll a d4. On a 3 or 4, the ally gains plus 2 to hit and damage for 1d6 plus 1 rounds. Your enemies roll a d2

and on a 1, receive a negative 2 to hit and attack. Wow. For 1d6 plus 1 rounds. Holy shit. Just give us 45 minutes to resolve this crit. Yeah, yeah. Double damage. So it's standard double damage, and then, yeah, it can affect everybody.

So D4. D4, yes. That is going to be 19 points of damage. And you just straight up kill him. Oh, nice. Nice, dude. You come in and just hit a vital area

and strike him down. And he never saw it coming. Yeah. What was his name? His name? Mm-hmm. Well, his name was a family name.

It was handed down for generations, I believe. If memory serves. Old carpy Tunnel. Old Carpy Tunnel. You sound so innocent. You killed Carpy Tunnel?

I feel bad now. Why? I mean, you don't know. Carpy Tunnel has been a scourge upon many, many people. Yeah. Yeah. And he just decided to turn his life around today. Really? Yes.

He woke up this morning and he says, I've been going down a dark path, but I feel as if I've been blind, but now I see the light. I hope no one... The scales have fallen from my eyes. I'm going to rehab tomorrow. And then...

And then he's just murdered. Old carpy tunnel. What do you guys have to roll now? We have to roll a d4. If we get a 3 or 4 plus 2 to hit and damage for 1d6... And then what is my situation? You have to roll a 1d2. And if you get a one, so basically, yeah.

So d2, d roll a one. Okay. The one in the top right corner is going to take a penalty. Nice. Okay. One in the top right corner takes a penalty. And then I got the bonus. It's not going to do much, but I got the bonus.

I did not. No bone? I did not get the bonus. Oh. Oh. All right. So Joe got but I got the bonus. I did not. No bone? I did not get the bonus. Alright, so Joe got the bone, and Halster killed an innocent creature. Now, said innocent creatures are going to react, because the Tunnel family is upset.

The Tunnel family unleashed! They're all related? They're all siblings? Yep. Are they a traveling band? I guess you'll never know. Are they a family band? But you do see a drum kit in the back corner.

We must seek out Reuben Kincaid. Kill him. The scourge will end. I dated myself again. It's a Parcher's family. It's a Parcher's family. I saw somebody nodding at Skid and he looks like he's 60

years old. Skid, come on. I'm not helping matters, am I? Skid. That's funny, It's good. Thank you. I Googled it. If this was 1987, this place would be rolling with laughter.

The one in the back here slides up to Halster. And he's like... Which means... You killed my brother, carpet! Now we don't have a drummer! And he is going to try to stab you with a trident. And that is a 19 to him. Miss.

Yes! Highline his shield at the last second. Chung! Is it miss? Miss. Miss, wow. So he comes up, stab-a-roo, misses. The one up around toward the north here,

towards the north of the table, is going to slide down and... Oh, God, help me. I don't want to stand there. I'm going to try and attack you, Sir Julie, through that wall there. Give yourself a plus four to AC because it's a real tricky hit for

this dude, but I don't want to stand there and block the way just so Atticus and Aldo can bomb and spell the shit out of me. Here we go. Natural two. Yes. That won't do it. Well, I think it's going to miss. Boom! Stabs the trident through. A piece of the

door jam goes flying off and kills Atticus. And now it is... Oh. Oh, this is very interesting. Oh, no. It's the guy's turnover here right next to the door.

And what's his name? Oh. Lincoln. That's Alistair Tunnell. Alistair Tunnell. Yes, Alistair. Alistair. Yes, he's the Tunnell. Yes, Alistair. Alistair. Yes, he's the lead singer.

The eldest. He does vocals. Alistair Tunnell opens the door. Oh, no. And then yells, Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. They killed our drummer. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Subtitle. And you hear a response. It's like... Followed by the sound of footsteps. And then he just... Wait, he opens the door, which means we see what's behind the door. Yeah, you sure do. You see, to the extent of Sir Julian Houster's light,

you see a shelf. No! No! Wait, there's no light going through any of the other six arrow holes on the side of that building? It's still daytime, right? Yeah, it's daytime outside. It's rainy! One, two, three. All right, you see a little bit there.

And you see... It's red. But somehow we can't see through this darkness. Troy's one-man war against the physics of light continues unabated. Can't see it. I'm starting to wonder if your eyes in real life are really that bad. I think he sees things differently than we do. I don't know if... You see how we can

see the back wall, but not some of the faces of the audience? I have no idea what you're talking about. That's all you see. This guy hops up on the fucking table Didn't he use a move action over the door? Yeah, so that's all he does Yeah, that's all he does

Go back to the door He opens the door Jumps up on the table With frog-like agility. Frog-like agility. And licks. Yeah, he does it automatically. It is Sir Julie's turn.

Finally. Come on, Julie. Come on. All right, Sir Julie is going to slide in five foot step. She's going to go after the one to the north. Cleave. Cleave them both. Oh, wait. Oh, wait.

Oh, wait. Had to take furious focus. Yeah, well, furious focus right now. I have furious focus. I will power attack with my greatsword. With no penalty. That is a 24 to hit. Nice.

Yeah. 24 is a hit. That is 21 points of damage. And that is a second dead creature. Nice. Yes! Too bad you don't have Cleave. Too bad.

Too bad. At that moment. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. These guys come running in. One guy's like... Looks down at the dead drummer. Looks at the dead one to the north who played the triangle. He looks at the dead one to the north who played the triangle.

I'm starting to feel legitimately bad for killing these guys. I think we need to negotiate. They're so goofy and stupid. I know. I feel terrible for killing them. I've just seen the subtitle. What did you let happen to the triangle guy? And then I'm like, they called each other the triangle guy?

And he just hops up on the table. And then you see two more emerge and starting to come into the room as well. Oh, okay. This is a merry orchestra. It's a lot. It's top of a new round. Thank God. It's Aldo's turn. Okay. Aldo

is going to step forward ten feet to get behind his friend Sir Julie. And he's going to say I don't care much for your music, though I haven't

heard it. And he's going to pop a bomb off his belt and toss it to the space between the two groups. So it should hit all of them with splash damage. Amazing! Amazing!

Amazing! And that is a natural ten. So that is a twenty. Touch AC against the square. The square was wearing mithril chainmail. Oh, no.

Our true enemy. Our true enemy is the square. He's the manager of the band. He's already on the phone trying to find a new drummer and triangleist. Yeah, we lost our triangle guy. It's Ruben Kincaid. Is there anyone over 40 here? Alright You know what I'm

Three people Oh my god Thank you I am so happy about how many people under 40 are here That is wonderful news Yeah Listen to those young lungs Yeah if you're under 40 Just remember the worst is yet to come.

Hurts to pee. Aldo. Enjoy sleeping through the night. Yeah. While it lasts. Do it now. Aldo What do I roll? Some reflex saves?

No, it's a reflex save Okay, four Reflex saves from these Crazy fish dudes First one, we'll start at the north Part of the table, then we'll go to the south part of the table And then first guy at the door in the next room Second guy, first guy rolls

A, eight Second guy rolls a 8. Second guy rolls a 22. Third guy rolls a 18. Ooh, a tweener. Last guy rolls an 11. It gets all five, I believe.

What was the DC? There's only four left. The DC is 16. DC is 16. All right, so the one directly next to Sir Julie and the one in the back pass, but Grant just reminded me this guy here is alive. Oh, yes. Let me just remove his dead friend.

Thank you. How quickly we forget. Alistair. No, that was Carpal. That was Carpy. It was Carpal. Alright, here we go. And he rolled natty 19. Alright, so the one,

the first one and the one at the door failed. The other ones all passed. Okay, so the ones who failed take nine points of fire damage. Okay. And those who passed get four points of fire damage. Okay. And those who passed get four points of fire damage. Fair enough.

Very effective bomb. It is now Atticus's turn. Atticus steps up behind Aldo. Well done, chap. Atticus Steps up behind Aldo Well done chap And he's going to try to shoot past Aldo And Sir Julie to the

Alistair To the lead singer Standing on the table there Very very very enormously Ridiculously difficult shot He's going to cast Ray of Frost And there's something very attractive about him He has all the makings of a lead singer.

It's like a lot of charisma? A lot of charisma. Perhaps I could freeze him. Keep him safe forever. He's standing there with his trident like a microphone. Keep him in a museum. All right, here we go. It's going to be a long shot.

No. That is an adjusted four. Yeah, that was a natural two, so very close to a magic fumble. Not good, Joe. No, not good at all. The one next to Halster is going to do a full attack on Halster. And that is going to be three attacks. Oh, shit.

A bite, a claw, and a trident. Oh, wow. In what order? Minus your two, sir. Or madam. Yeah, why is he minus two? No, bottom, near Halster. Shut up.

Security! Security! All right, first attack. Tied to the accuracy of this crowd. Eight on the bite. Natural one on the claw. Yeah! But he does have multiple attacks to confirm.

Natural six. Yeah! Oh, beautiful. Natural attack. He's the keyboard player, isn't he? God. What's his name? Hudson? Hudson Tunnel?

Oh, that's good. Sorry. It's all right. Sorry. It's all right. This one from Elliot in Washington. Hey! Probably means stage.

All right. Hi, Elliot. Do I look like a clown? You lose the grip on your weapon and begin to fumble for the slippery object. For 1d4 rounds, you play hot potato with yourself, making an absolute foolish display. Each round, roll a reflex save on a fail. Deal the weapon die damage to yourself.

On a success, you deal no damage and continue to juggle. On a natural 1, critically threaten yourself. On a natural 20, you regain your composure and end this fan fumble early. Wow. All right, so here's how I'm going to interpret it. I'll say it's an obvious miss. With his trident attacked, I'll roll the reflex save

to see if he actually can get it off or if he's going to accidentally attack himself with it. So reflex save is going to be against your AC 19. Miss. What do I do? I roll to attack myself? Yes, just the normal damage die. Weapon damage die. Oh, so I do hit myself.

Yes. But I don't roll a d20. You don't add your strength modifier in it, just the weapon damage dice. Just straight up weapon damage. Alright, so he takes two points of damage as the trident sticks into his piano hand. Oh! Blah, blah, blah, blah!

Very upsetting. It is Halster's turn. Was that his third attack? Yeah, that would have been his third attack. Okay, you've got to roll 1d4 to see how many rounds that lasts for. You got to roll two rounds. Okay. Halster's going to strike out Keyboardist and with an 18 to hit.

That is a hit. All right. Ten points of damage. Oh, ten points dealt to Hudson. He's still up, but he's unhappy. And it is number four. Oh, the one right next to Sir Julie. Standing on a table.

I'm going to give him a bonus to attack. Higher ground. Yeah, higher ground. As we know, that can be the difference between a lightsaber duel and just another day in lava. Sir Julie, I have the higher ground. Three attacks. Bite. Claw. Trident.

Three out of four doctors recommend you should... I just rolled a natural one. Yeah! Alright. To confirm roll. Natural two on To confirm. Natural two on the confirm. Joe, touch your dice. Joe, touch your dice.

Joe, touch your dice. All right. This one from Brian in Medford, Oregon. Hi, Brian. I just lorked myself. Oh, my God. You miss so spectacularly that you hit yourself as if with a natural 20. Oh, wow. Roll to confirm your self-crit against your own AC.

If confirmed, draw crit from this list. If not confirmed, just exploding dice against yourself. If I miss you and hit myself with a bite! Bites? Natural 17.

He's the lead singer He's like Takes a bite out of his own arm Oh Alistair you dumb bastard What does he say Into his arm What did I do that for What a bumbling band Of nimga poops What did I do that for? What a bumbling band of nimga poops.

The tunnels will never tour again. Oh, no. Yeah, that's going to happen pretty definitely. This is how we pull a crib. So this one is from Sycophant in Pelham, Alabama. Hi, Sycophant. This is the end, my beautiful friend. Oh!

Oh my God, that's amazing. You get a musical-themed crit. That's perfect. With a piano play. It's amazing. You strike the target yourself with such force

that you feel it would take a miracle for it to survive. Double damage and make a reflex save. If it fails, it falls prone and must make a fortitude save. If it fails again, quadruple damage. Oh my god, and the save is against the confirmation roll.

You rolled a natty 17. Oh yeah. Look at his face. This is the best day of my life. Yeah, this is amazing. One problem at a time here, so double damage. You know, you know one of the guys in here is so happy this is happening to the lead singer. He's like, finally.

God. All right, so first double damage? Yeah, you take double damage and then make a reflex save. All right. Seven, eight, nine points of damage. He's still alive. Okay. And now I make a reflex save?

Yeah, against your confirmation roll. Natural seven. So now you fall prone and now make a fortitude save. Against what? The same DC? The same DC? The same DC. I gotta get neon green for this. Don't fail me now, neon green!

You can smell the fear on him. He knows he's gonna fail. He knows. He knows. Natural 20. Oh! Me on green, Natty 20. It's been a long, it's been a minute.

First roll of the night. You know what? Bottle cap. Wow. All right, so he's just pruned, but still alive. He's pruned, but man, he's... I can't believe that. You know how hard he worked for this band? How many shitty gigs they had to do all around Thrushmore?

It was his cousin's van. He was driving his own cousin's van to gigs, loading out the amps by himself. His mighty fish arms. One day. One day we're going to make it. One day we're going to make it. One day we're going to make it. One day we're going to make it. One day we're going to make it real big. My brothers and sisters.

We're going to be signed by Capitol Records. We're going to play the Viper Robocop. We're going to play the Viper Robocop. So he bites himself. Hits a critical artery. Falls to the ground. Thrown. But doesn't die.

Oh no, his tambourine hand. His tambourine hand. He's the Davy Jones of the tunnels. And it is Sir Julius Jaren. He has two more attacks. He does have two more attacks. Oh, great. It's a skin natural one.

I forgot. Here comes the claw. Prone. Ah, miss. Don't give yourself that higher ground bonus anymore. Yeah, no. He's got the lower ground. Actually, he yourself that higher ground bonus anymore. Yeah, no. He's got the lower ground. Actually, he's just eye level with you.

Eye level. Just stabbing out with the trident. One gushing out of his arm. And I missed with the trident, too. All right. All right. Now it is Sir Julie's turn. You see this poor guy just screaming in pain. Laying on the table. Blood just gushing out of his arm.

Tears streaming down his face. His dream's dying in the moment. His dream's dying. I'll leave that poor soul alone for now and kill his friend up north. Kill his brother. Kill his brother. Sir Julie has pity on him and kills his friend. I want you to watch your brother die first. Sir Julie has pity on him and kills his friends. I want you to watch your brother die first.

Sir Julie! That's Sir Julie's brand of pity. Sir Julie the Merciful. Terrible roll. 15 to hit. 15 hits. They're not wearing any armor. Okay, you

take 20 points of damage Well I'll tell you this One that was his son And you killed him That was his son And you just murdered him Right in front of him Sorry And now he's laying there Right in front of him.

Sorry. And now he's laying there, gushing blood out of his tambourine arm. And he sees you in one shot take down his son, who was just a roadie for the band. He was teaching him the ways. Just last night, he was like, listen, Carpal's been going through a tough time I don't know how much longer

he's going to be able to be with the band unless he can get his demons under control you might have to be the new drummer and he said to his dad which means I love you dad

I can do it and you just killed him with my move action I shall spare him more further and just kind of shove the body

off the table so he doesn't have to look at it he doesn't have to look at it, all right? All right. The immeasurable pity of Sir Julie. Oh, no. Here it comes. Oh, no!

Oh, the sun is bleeding so much. It is the other creature's turns, of which there are two left. This guy, he didn't see any of this. He steps in and looks over. He never liked that kid. And he, uh... He's the bass player. He's the bass player.

He just throws a trident at Halster, who is going to get a plus four to his AC. There's no way I'm going to hit you, but I think it'll be fine. Nat four. The thing just flies, hits the wall, bounces off. Now he's tridentless. And then this other one comes in and just starts making his way around

the long side of the table. And it is Aldo's turn. Aldo is... Aldo sees that this... Oh, God. Oh, God! So much blood. Oh!

Okay, you know what? All right, Aldo... Open the door for the dogs and let them in if they're hungry. Oh! Aldo is going to throw another bomb at the prone... prone lead singer. He's going to throw a bomb at them.

Netty 17. Surely that hits against Touch AC. It does. The various bonuses. Alright, so that is on the guy who's down, that is 12 points of fire damage. So he catches the bomb and cradles it, not unlike what he did with his son when he was born.

And he holds it and is like, shh. It's all right, Demetrius. And the bomb explodes and kills him. It's now Atticus's turn. Well, I need reflex saves. There's a lot of splash. Oh, for the other three. For the friggin' splash.

Okay. I'm sticking with neon green here. First one up top, 18. What's the DC? That's 16. Okay. I'm sticking with neon green here. First one up top, 18. What's the DC? Okay, that's 16. Okay, next one, failed, the one right behind the newly dead one, and then natural one on the third one. So two fails and a save. So nine and four hit points, respectively, to the ones.

Wow, okay, so the one right in front of Halster dies. Yes! There goes the keyboardist. Uh, the one up top gets really messed up, uh, and then this one right, who just entered is still alive as well. So there's two left, and, uh, five dead

band members of the Tunnel family. It is... That was Aldo. Now it's Atticus' turn. All right, Atticus will slide in past Aldo, past Sir Julie.

Turn around the corner and we'll fire off a ray of frost at the one to the north. Against touch. Plus two to hit because of that sweet crit from earlier. Natty 16. Against touch. Plus two to hit because of that sweet crit from earlier. Natty 16. Yeah. Got him. Got him. Let me ask you this. Did you do a ray of frost before?

You did? Yeah. How much damage did you do? Zero. I missed. You missed. Okay. How much damage you get now? Oh dear. How much damage? Jesus. Is Henry's immune to cold in here? I got three points of damage

Zero points of damage God damn it They're immune to cold? Don't worry about it I'm going to roll knowledge, John Okay 17 Is that local?

Sure What'd you roll? 17 On what? Whatever you want Alright These are These are creatures

known as scum Oh they are I was wondering Scum, yeah Ulatkini as they are called amongst their own kind Ulatkini

Yes Yeah, why do you have to call them scum? They're the Ulat Kini family band. Well, I'm telling you, this is how Atticus knows them. Scum. The scum.

Disgust me. Rebel scum. Their music is unbearable. Energy resistance cold 10. Wow. So you've got to surpass 10 to even break through. Fuck.

Never should have used that. Yeah. If only you'd... If only I'd done the knowledge check before. If only you had remembered you knew that. Like a good player before. Everyone, shut up. Whose turn is it?

It is Halster's turn. Halster is going to slide risky business style through the blood of an entire family and try to finish off another member. Finish it! 15 on the die. That's a hit, baby. Let's get it.

Max damage, 13 points. Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Let's see what the survey says. Dead!

Let's see what the survey says. Dead. The last one standing there just looks around at the carnage. This entire family band. And it's not even his turn. It's Sir Julie's turn. Sir Julie will charge around the table and with swift

vengeance take a swing with the greatsword. Natural 18. Yeah! 23 points of damage. Wow. I deleted him from the board

but you're standing on the dead body of Demetrius. Using, pressing your gauntleted foot. What's a foot gauntlet called? A boot? What is it called? A boot? A greave! Just pushing your greave into his skull.

Cracking jawbone. Using it for leverage to kill the final skull. Yeah! Yeah! Oh, so juicy! Oh, so Jules. Hero to us all. He closes his eyes and embraces death

because he doesn't want to live in a world where he has to create a new band. This is like the day that music died. Long, long time ago, I can still remember. The Tunnels were a big band in Ustalav in the 80s. They were all horribly murdered.

The craziest thing. In 18 seconds, it took these murderers to wipe out an entire family band. Led by a paladin. He just came in and slaughtered them all. No questions asked. Single

question. I ask questions. I want to know who played the bass and who played the drums. The drummer goes first. It is the only lawful thing. So, good lord. You've killed all of them. You're in a dining room.

Looks like this is a long wooden table. Maybe it's used for meetings. Maybe it's used for dining. It's a dozen chairs. A pair of decorated chests, and a display case featuring a collection of creations from probably local artisans sit against the wall. And then there's an open door leading into another room where it looks like there's long benches. Kind of looks like a courtroom.

It looks like there's long benches. It kind of looks like a courtroom. Can I do a check just to see if they, all joking aside, did they seem under any sort of compulsion or command or anything like that? Or did they seem like a free-thinking family band. The latter. Okay. Yeah, they seemed... Very strange.

How could they coexist with the juju zombies? I don't understand it. Yeah, they didn't seem like they were under any mental control. They seemed to be pretty aware of what they were doing. I mean, they're evil.

Scum are naturally evil. Yes, yeah. These ones happen to be chaotic good. But generally. That was the name of their band. Right. Chaotic good. Chaotic good.

A family band. Were they carrying anything besides their instruments? Tridents. Well, now you've got seven tridents. Woo! Which is cool. You killed a guy. I saw that.

I saw that. I saw that. But that's all they have on their person because they don't have pockets because they couldn't afford clothes. Things were tough. Man hadn't taken off yet. Sir Julie steps into the next chamber.

All right, so you step into the next chamber. Now I'll reveal it. You jerks. Atticus, by the way, just real quick, is going to look under the table and sort of search to see if there's anything of interest. Okay, well, go ahead and roll a perception. That is a 19.

Yeah, so the chests jump out at you, so you go over to the chest You just pop them open Do a perception check for traps Nailed it 12 I assume 12 is fine They don't appear to be trapped

Alright hold Yeah okay Fine Fine Yes Try to open it God damn it No they There's just like tablecloths And banquet supplies All right, yeah, okay, fine, fine. Yes, tries to open it. God damn it.

No, there's just like tablecloths and banquet supplies inside. You think the tableware, goblets and platters and candlesticks, decorations in the room, like you might be able to fetch a couple hundred gold pieces if you wanted to just steal from this place. You do see a pair of crystal goblets,

fancy ceremonial goblets in a velvet-lined box that might be worth a couple of bucks. Oh, I'll also do a prize check. I'll do it first. That was a D12. Not a D20. 21.

24. Oh! Do you think they're worth 249 gold pieces? But you know better. 250. 250. 250. Meanwhile, Sir Julie steps into the courtroom.

Says, I'm just a simple paladin. Your modern world frightens and confuses me that one i got i'm just doing a set from like live at the improv in like 1989 just do that all night the walls of the semicircular room are clad in wood up to half of their height and decorated with more murals, murals of the town's civil life on the upper half. It's a courtroom. A bench runs along most of the curved outer wall under three graded windows fitted with stained glass. Opposite the bench are a trio of high-backed chairs

and a desk with a stool. Two more benches sit in the middle, near a central pillar that supports the ceiling. It looks like a courtroom, and it would make sense that trials would be held here, and those found guilty would be thrown in the dungeon if they weren't executed. Halster, you wonder to yourself,

you spent a night in the tank here from what you heard from getting into a fight. Was there a trial? Or they were just like, let's just let them cool off. You don't know. Did I turn everyone into Juju zombies and then invite a family band?

Maybe. Maybe. Who can say? They were looking past us. That's our manager! That's our manager! Shut your mouth! Wait! He understands their tongue. Kill him!

Kill him. What do you do? Search the desk. Nothing. Atticus will move in. I'll search the premises. Take 20. We'll take 20 on a perception on the room.

Take a while. Spilled a bunch of shit. Nothing of import. It's all over my computer. No court transcripts? No. Thank you. Oh.

Troy just spilled beer all over his computer. All right. I didn't even see it. This is the computer that mysteriously has non-functional USB ports for some reason? I wonder why that is. How could that be? The worst part is I tried to pour it off and it went right under my crotch.

So now at the end of this video people are going to be like, oh, great show. Right up, a golden log. Troy peed his pants. What a shame. He was so scared of Sir Julian. Couldn't control himself.

Kick down the northern door. Kicking down the northern door. To the north, then. There we go. Yes! Kicking down the door to the north? Your instinct. Door to the north! Door to the north! Door to the north! Kick down the door to the north.

It's fucking dark in here. Yeah. clearly. Damn it. It's fucking dark in here, man. But there are more stairs. Oh. Going up? I don't know, guys.

It's 10 o'clock. Should we call? Oh, my God, is it? Should we call the show at 10? There are 5,000 people here. All right, we're going long. We're going long. You heard him. We're going long. We're going long. You heard him.

We're going long. We're going long. So, girl, you're the law. Because we're going long. We're going long. We're going long. So, girl, you're the law. We're going long.

Yeah. And, as always, our sincerest apologies to the staff. That was Nick Lowe, the scum. And to Matthew's wife. We're very sorry. My sister-in-law was like, how long does this thing go? I was like, two hours. Unless it's

2.15. Yeah. There are two wide cabinets with reinforced doors standing against the north wall and an ascending stairway in this room. I hurl my greatsword

into the stairway. The stairway cries out in pain. No! Long have I rested here. Classic mimic stairwell. Just a mouth opens up on the third stairwell.

Should you wish to ascend, you must answer my riddle. Answer me! Answer me. You know, you can't fault 60 years of adventuring experience. That's her jewelry for you. Sadly. She's seen it all.

The great sword impales itself on the fourth step and he bleeds out and dies. Oh no. Today was my name day. Oh no. The stairs wither and die in crumbling.

Oh no. Poor Matt's stairs. A perforated metal... I got that one. Shut up. A perforated metal bin sits near the fireplace in the northeastern... Wait, a what metal bin? Perforated.

Shut up. I'm from Massachusetts. We say things weird. It even says perforated, but I said perforated. I perforated. Perforated. All right.

Let's go in. Perforated. I've always said. All right. Let's go in. Perforated. I've always said perforated. A perforated. Shut up. There's a bin. Okay. All right.

Sitting in the northeast corner of the room. Near the fireplace. So, Julie. The cabinets seem to be important. Open it all. Quickly. I go to the cabinet. Okay. It's locked. You to the cabinet Okay

It's locked You said the cabinet seems to be important Yeah, they're locked That's why they're locked Yeah Okay That was my first riddle So Julie, helpless

Before this locked cabinet Turns to her friends and says It's locked Oh, I can help Possibly Before this locked cabinet turns to her friends and says, it's locked. Oh, I can help, possibly. If you wouldn't mind stepping aside. And actually, Aldo's still, like, he's moving like crazy. He's still got the dexterity mutagen.

So he's just like, he's moving like crazy. Yeah, crazy. Like an inflatable man dancing in the wind. Yeah, yeah. Or like Dee Antwoord or something. He's like... He's a little twitchy. A little twitchy. So he's going to, yeah,

he's going to try to do a desirable device so that is a... There's an 18. Not enough. But it doesn't set off a trap, so I'll say that you can eventually just open it if you take your time. I do.

Okay. You open up these cabinets and there are tons of documents. your time. I do. Okay. You open up these cabinets and there are tons of documents inside detailing at first glance what looks like decades of the town's

administration. You could spend some time here if you'd like to learn from these documents. Yeah. Depending on how much time learn from these documents. Yeah. Depending on how much time you want to spend. Yeah. Yes, I feel as if we should. Two hours.

We're not under immediate danger. It's important we learn this. Yeah, you've killed a lot of people already so you feel pretty safe. I've killed several families already. Since you've entered this place, you've killed 14 people. There's 10 left.

Bottle cap. Bottle cap. I'll take one, yes. So you want to spend significant time trying to learn as much as you can, or do you want to spend a finite amount of time? A significant amount of time. I'll say, you know, Sir Julie, if you could watch the exits,

and Atticus will pour through these documents. Okay. All right, so I'm going to say you spend eight hours pouring over these documents. Eight hours. I'm going to take a little snooze. Take a little snooze? Okay.

And I will lose mage armor. Yeah, if you want to have only one person not rest, three of you could rest. Yeah. Great. Let's rest. Alright, so who's going to read and who's going to rest? I shall rest. I shall rest. I shall rest as well. Alright, Atticus is going to read.

You know, rest is rather important to a wizard. So while the rest of them... He's obsessed with these documents. There's no way. He'll rest, yeah. rather important to a wizard. So while the rest of them... No, but he's obsessed with these documents. Yeah. There's no way. He'll rest, yeah. Wake us if something happens. Yes, yes, will do.

Quiet. Okay. You find some information over these eight hours, some information that really jumps out at you. There's a lot of stuff here. It's not like you're reading everything, but you start going down trails, and you're like, oh, this seems very interesting,

and there's four bits of information that really strike you. One cabinet contains several records of a lawsuit presented against Count Lawles by a bookstore called Nameless Books. Oh. by a bookstore called Nameless Books. Oh.

They were lamenting not being paid for an occult book titled The Revelations of Hali that Laos either borrowed or requisitioned from them. Imagine, he's the count. He can walk in there and be like, I need that book. I'll give it back when I can feel like it. And then they were like, we're suing you. It appears that Lowell's actually lost the case and was ordered to pay the price of the book. But a later note indicates that months passed before the payment was actually issued, but there's no official document

of the payment actually being made. And as you dig in, Atticus, something about the notes leads you to believe that perhaps other arrangements were made instead of payment. Shady business. You find a memo. He paid them in cocaine.

Paid them in cocaine. I'm keeping the book, but here's some yayo they were like deal keep it off the books you find a memo documenting an official interrogation of Count Hazerton Lowles IV about the unexpected death

of his mother a woman named Namerton Lowles IV about the unexpected death of his mother, a woman named Namira Lowles. And this interrogation was made at the request of her elder brother. The response from the count was that his mother died suddenly of this strange disease that seemed to claim his father as well. And she was buried privately in the family crypt under iris hill irish hill iris hill mound of the corpses who slain the irish this land it's just it's just iris hill oh iris yes

despite a strong protest from the mother's family led by her brother and by the looks of it, the offer of a substantial bribe, the magistrate was unable to gain legal access to Iris Hill to investigate further.

Hmm. So the mother dies, the brother's like, well, I want to know more about what happened to my sister. But then the count brings in his heavy hitter lawyers, and they shut it down.

Shut it down. This motherfucker. Slip him a little Coke on the way out. I think we understand. You didn't see nothing but this Colombian white. The guy's like, no, thanks, but I just want to know what happened to my sister. I mean, I appreciate the Coke, but do you know what happened to my sister?

I'll never say no to a free Coke, but I'm still a little concerned about my sister. This is very kind, but what's up with my dead sister? A memo summarizes the proceedings of a trial for high treason against someone named Dr. Climes Pret. He was accused of having poisoned Count Hazerton Lowell's the third, Count Lowell's father

and sentenced to die in his cell here in Fort Hale course. So that conflicts with this idea that the mother died of the same disease of the father. Now you see that a guy was thrown in prison for poisoning the father. A little conflicting information. The last thing that jumps out at you, it jumps out at you because you recognize

the person being talked about because a document shows the record of arrest for a man named Halster Price. Shit. Oh. Oh my God, he's sleeping. And Atticus just looks over. Yeah.

Yeah. Nose. This is it. Yeah, you read everything. Finally, I can get rid of this Price. He started a brawl in the stain and was arrested. Thrown in here. Spent the night in Fort Hillcourse.

He wet himself horribly. Did he cry all night? Cried like a baby while he wet himself, it says. You're just looking at him the whole time while he's sucking his thumb. They drew a picture in there. Yes, you can see there's countless drawn images of him laying in a puddle.

The night guard is in art school and he's like, I've never seen... He's going to be the court artist. He's practicing. I've never seen an illuminated arrest record. It's very detailed.

It's like the Book of Kells, but with more arrests. It looks like Lowell's came and bailed him out. Had to pay 50 gold pieces to avoid any further inconvenience. Lowell's paid the fine, asked them to clean up the urine, and then retrieved Price the next day.

I almost wrote down, asked them to clear out the urine. Gave them an extra five spot to clean up the urine. Slipped them a little Coke. Here's a little Coke for your trouble. Thank you. By the way, here's some cocaine for your troubles.

You have a little too much. It's easy to wet yourself. So, yeah, that's what you find. Some interesting stuff. And you also find a bookmark that jumps out at you because you're spending time in there. You're detecting magic, and you find a magical bookmark in one of the books

protecting one of them. Uh, it's in like a book of for Asman hymns. You think Halster might be interested. Um, but as you start looking through it, you see that it's not just hymns. It's a book about the dream lands explaining the various denizens of that

other worldly realm. Yes. And the bookmark is a magical bookmark known as a bookmark of deception. Oh, this is cool. The book itself might be worth some money. The bookmark will be useless for the rest of the adventure. It's a stupid

magical item. Your friends wake up. Oh, dude, I'm taking that bookmark. Yeah, take it. Putting it in my spellbook. Okay. Now your spellbook looks like a simple pamphlet. Yeah. It looks...

What do you want to do? Your friends wake up? looks like a simple pamphlet. Yeah. It looks, yeah. What do you want to do? Your friends wake up? Halster changes his pants? Sorry, I should say the bookmark, it's a magical bookmark. It makes any book it's in appear to be a completely different book filled with all different information.

Right, so you're like, oh, a hymnal. You pull it out and you're like, oh, shit. Oh, shit, it's an eldritch grimery of spells. Yeah. We wake up and we see,

oh, this looks like an airport novel. I'll just throw this away. Right. I read this. We read this one, right? Right. What do you want to do? Three of you are rested.

Atticus is bleary-eyed. I feel amazing. How are you, Atticus? I'm very tired, but it was worth it. What did you find? What did you see through all your pourings? Start from the beginning. Tell them everything.

Yeah, he'll tell you everything that he found out. Urine, you say? Yes. Cried like a baby. Yes. All night long, the guard said, it's here in the notes, in the caption under his drawings,

he had never seen anyone cry so much in an overnight lockup. He certainly had access to a lot of cocaine. How's through the stairs? Yes, the amount of cocaine that was passed between people is shocking. It's a shocking amount of cocaine. Right here in the halls of justice.

There's so much cocaine. Every judge. Embarrassed. Every judge. In the halls of justice. All right. All right. You got stairs going up.

You've got another door back in the dining room leading further west. What's speaking to you here now that you're armed with this new cryptic cocaine-laced information? We've got to finish off this floor before we go up. Interesting. Kick down the door. It's locked. I kick it down. Perhaps you didn't hear what he said.

Kick it down. I kick it down hard. Unless you can turn your foot into a key. Aldo does a perception check. Okay. That is a 25. 25. It does not appear

to be trapped. Aldo is going to attempt to pick the lock. Natural one. No. Try again 25 DC 25

There you go Aldo There you go Aldo So you take a little time You pop it open And you see another room Dark Dark room. So many stairs.

You really want us to go upstairs. Well, here's the thing about these stairs. They go down. Oh. Let's go down. Let's just go down. Right now. Let's go down. For no good reason. Just charge into the dungeon. That's where you were.

That's where these people were held. That's where that dude was put into lockup. I don't know. That's where all the cocaine is. Maybe that's where all the coke is. There's no coke! There's no fucking coke! Nobody? Come on.

There's a door leading down, obviously into the courtyard. There's a door leading down, obviously into the courtyard. There's another door to the north leading who knows where. You see it's locked, Sir Julie, but it's locked from the inside. You can unlock it if you so choose. And then stairs leading down. I mean, look at your options here. You've got back in the lobby, the door leading further west,

where the waves of juju zombies came at you. There's the courtyard with a couple of angry dogs that were not happy, but you were able to sneak past them without starting a fight. You come over into a kitchen with stairs leading up, an office with a poison needle trap, a dining room and a courtroom full of scum, these archives with information and more stairs leading up

and stairs leading down. There is still an unexplored area here on the first level, but what do you want to do? I want to go down. Not going to lie. There's a lot of interesting information about this dungeon I read last night he's all bleary eyed

this one who was accused of poisoning the count's mother it's very interesting it's possible he could be the one that orchestrated all of this perhaps he was unjustly imprisoned. Rose up. I don't know.

It's calling to me. So Julie, go down there alone and figure out what's going on. I'll be up here reading. Alright, let's go downstairs. Alright, let's go. Yeah! You're going downstairs?

Downstairs! Wow. One thing he didn't prepare. Oh, I'm prepared. I'd like to direct you to a new map. Ooh, juicy. Get excited. Let me reveal the little area

that you're in my goodness gracious try and find that tiny little space Grant I see it it's a stairway that ends in a

door a door a door I don't know if it's been revealed yet it's pitch dark yes it's there don't know if it's been revealed yet. It's pitch dark. Don't worry about that.

That's the upper floors of that level. But look over to the right. Wait, keep going to the right. To the east, as they say. Oh! Look at that! Can we recast the light on our... Let's be honest, though.

It's dark and you can't see anything. I did the wrong one. Yes, he opened it up already. Oh! Ah! Ah! Come on, dude. Halster pees himself again.

Pee starts running down his head. For a while. Sir Julie, open the door. Please. Okay. Thank you. Sir Julie, up front, opens the door, and you see a big door to the south,

a little door to the east, and some wooden shelves. Big door, big door, big door. It's a cool and surprisingly dry subterranean room lined with sturdy shelves laden with chopped wood. I don't trust these shelves.

So Julie hurls her greatsword into the shelves. Oh! All right. I open the door. A couple of axes sit propped in the corner and a small hatchet is driven into a stump, perhaps used to split smaller logs

and make kindling. You're taken back to the Chapel of Phrasma at Briarstone Asylum, and you think, it's been a long time since you've seen so many logs. Sir Julie goes to the southern door and opens it. And as she does, she hears a sound that's all too familiar. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And we'll see you in Boston. Outro Music