The Glass Cannon Podcast - Strange Aeons Episode 3 – Unconscious and Dying

Episode Date: May 25, 2022

The boys of the Glass Cannon Network kick off 2019 with a sold out show at Lincoln Hall in Chicago. It was cold outside, but it was HOT at the table, as all hell broke loose and a couple things most definitely happened. Join Troy Lavallee, Joe O'Brien, Skid Maher, Grant Berger and Matthew Capodicasa as they continue the Lovecraftian Horror Strange Aeons Adventure Path! Watch the video here: https://youtu.be/4y7XxSRzbe8 Recap 19:58 Gameplay 26:51 For more podcasts and livestreams, visit glasscannonnetwork.com and for exclusive content and benefits, subscribe today at patreon.com/glasscannon. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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account and help that future come faster. The FHSA is a tax-free account where all your investment gains are yours to keep and put towards your first home. With Questrade, you can open an FHSA online. No bank appointment needed. It's easy and only takes a few minutes. The sooner you get started, the more time your down payment has to grow. Open an account today at Questrade.com. what is going on Chicago this is the first show of 2019 yeah Yeah, baby. This is it. And I got to say, I think it's going to be our worst.

I think just to be safe. Just real rusty. You don't want to come out too hot in January. Because then you got nowhere to go. Things aren't hot in January in Chicago, Troy. Things are hot. We're already steaming up here. So let's have like a low level of energy. Low to medium.

Don't really dig into your characters. If we get into combat, just maybe like wait a long time before deciding what you want to do. Those are the best. Before just like choosing to hold or do something not special. Joe!

I want a Matthew level of commitment tonight. That's what I want. Thank you. He's the worst. To quote the late, great Frank Sinatra, Chicago is my kind of town. It's like somebody took New York, lowered the late, great Frank Sinatra, Chicago is my kind of town.

It's like somebody took New York, lowered the buildings, widened the sidewalks, and removed most of the urine. Not all of it. You want to have a little urine. Just kind of keep things fresh. I love Chicago. It's great beer, great food, great restaurants, and the fourth best style of pizza in the world.

Oh. Wait. Oh. Well, hello. We hired extras. I guess. My name is Lindsay. Everybody, give a round of applause for Lindsay.

Lindsay. Give it up for Lindsay. On IMDb, she'll be the girl who delivered drinks. Thank you. Someone in the balcony girl who delivered drinks. Thank you. Someone in the balcony named Richard. Richard. Thank you, buddy.

Where are you, Richard? Richard, you son of a gun. What is it? Malora. Oh, this is the really... This is... I heard about this. It's impossible to drink.

Joe, try it. Joe, you do it first. What is it? I'm just going to do it. I'm going to go ahead and... I'll drink anything. Terrible idea. It's delicious.

It tastes like expired Altoids. It tastes like Altoids that have gone bad. All right, I'll do it. Stare. This seems like a bad idea. Oh, God. I have never had anything like that That is new

What did I just drink? Matthew drank it? You better be careful Matthew, how are you feeling? You've been sick this week It's true You know, if you just took care of yourself like the rest of us Didn't drink so much

Didn't stay up so late Maybe you could come to a live show and be not sick for a change I'm hopped up on Dayquil Troy I'm hopped up on Ibuprofen and I'm ready to go Matthew you have to explain to me this is Matthew's first trip to Chicago

true story but I need you to explain to me how a playwright in his what late teens? How old are you? I'm 29, Troy. I'm 29. Okay. 29. How a playwright in his late 20s has never been to the only other city where theater is a relevant art form.

How is that possible? I'm not a successful playwright. Ah! Are you ever worried about toiling away in an art form that will be extinct in three years? Does that bother you at all? Are you ever worried about toiling away in an art form that will be extinct?

We will live on forever. Forever! In the hearts of all these people, the smiles in every baby. No, but seriously, you don't have to pay for Juilliard, do you? No. You don't? Oh, good.

I was going to say, that's like investing in Radio Shack. You don't want to do that. No, it's fine. If it doesn't work out, I have some friends in the newspaper business. Maybe I can get you a job in the newspaper business.

Grant, how are you, buddy? I'm doing great. Grant's always worried that I'm going to be too mean to him up top. I'm sensitive. I'm big, but I have a very fragile heart. He finds a way every show to just kind of pull me aside and be like, now, don't be too mean.

So I've decided I'm going to give you the old compliment sandwich. Oh, these are going to be bad compliments. No, come on! Are you still full from lunch, or can you handle a compliment sandwich? Well, the ravioli was light. That's true. You did get the veal cheek ravioli. Yes.

The good thing about a compliment sandwich is it's a finger sandwich to him, because all sandwiches are finger sandwiches. That's true. In his giant, meaty paws. All right, you're starting off well. I like it. We're going to start with the compliment. All right, you're starting off well.

I like it. We're going to start with a compliment. I enjoy visiting Chicago with you because walking behind the street on you... Walking behind the street. Walking behind the street? What the fuck does that mean, walking behind the street? When I enter a third dimension,

I walk behind... Walking behind you on the street keeps me warm. Aw. Now a critique. Sometimes looking at your head for too long makes me uncomfortable because it's really big. It makes me nervous like when I'm around the Lincoln Memorial. Am I the only one that gets nervous? I don't understand that one.

Well, I'm afraid it follows you with its eyes. I'm afraid it's going to come alive. Like, I know it's not going to come alive, but every time I see it, I'm like, that might come alive. And if it does, we're all screwed. Yeah, a stone giant. And this particular compliment sandwich

only had one piece of bread. That's all I have. Okay. It's open-faced, just like the hamburger Joe had at lunch. It's an open-faced sandwich. An open-faced compliment sandwich. You lost five pounds from that. Yeah.

That's amazing. You're welcome. Skid, are you warm? I have to admit, I was caught a little off guard by the low temperatures. In Chicago in January. But in fairness to the planning committee who planned the dates for the events, there's no way to know what the weather in Chicago

in January is going to be like. You're rolling the dice. This is a direct quote. The last time I was in Chicago was the middle of January. I went outside in a hoodie. And all of us were like, what the fuck is wrong with you? I think it's beautiful. I had an ankle sock still this morning.

Wait, Troy, since we're talking about what you're wearing. You really give me a lot of shit about my outfit. You walked into the restaurant wearing actual pants. I did. I wanted to look nice at the restaurant, but I want to be comfortable here. Since I had a child, I've decided I'm only wearing jogging pants. So I'm wearing some Adidas. What's wrong with that? Yeah. I'm cozy. I just rip away

like an NBA player. Do a lot of people know this, that Skid is a recent college graduate? Did you know that? Recent college graduate. Now, is it true that you majored in falling ass backwards into success? Did you minor in that or major? No, it just happened. Do you think UMass will ever call you back to give speeches to the graduates on how to not work hard? No, it's like I am the absolute worst model for any kind of real success that you could –

literally everything that has happened to me has been by blind luck and nothing else. I have actively avoided success my entire life, and it's somehow sort of found me at 45 you can get another huge win tonight if you finish the show in that coat all two hours well i'm actually thinking of abandoning the bits because it's getting pretty hot it was a good bit skid i liked it i liked it what would your advice be to like graduating seniors um don't reach for the stars yeah reach for the snooze button no i i'll tell you exactly what um do what do what i did uh fuck around for about 25 years with no direction or plan and then just randomly meet people that will drive you towards something

that you've wanted but didn't know you wanted your entire life i think that's good advice yeah you guys think it's good advice it's certainly the most fun option for a recent grad joe how are you good buddy oh man you walking voodoo dog is it me already i'm looking around i'm like, he did do all three. You know, they say you're never supposed to kick a man when he's down. But what do you do when he's always down? You got to kick him once in a while to make sure he's still alive. Hey, he's not moving.

Hey, he's still alive. You're down. God, I wish I could have comebacks. I know. I'm so bad at that. Joe and I shared a hotel room this weekend, and he woke up this morning, and immediately he thought I was still sleeping. I just said like seven mean things to him in a row.

And he's like stumbling around the room in his boxers. He's like, how are you mean this early? He doesn't wait for coffee or anything. He just launches right into the picture. Hey, dude, how you feeling? Did you get any sleep? I mean, I can't repeat what he said. Please don't.

It was so bad, I just turned and I was like, that was so mean. I can't believe it's the first thing you said today on show day. But let's be honest, this is probably the happiest you've ever been in your life right now, am I right? Oh yeah. Right. That is right. Lady Luck has finally shown her light upon nature's footprint.

What? You are nature's footprint. What does that mean? I don't know. Nature just stamped it? No, I don't know. It makes sense if you don't think about it. I liked it.

So is nature Bigfoot? Is that how you think sense if you don't think about it. I liked it. So is nature Bigfoot? Is that how you think of nature? Don't worry about it, Matthew. Why don't you write a play about it? I will. Maybe I will. What are you going to call it? What are you going to call the play?

Nature's Footprint. That's the title right there. You gave it to him. The Joe O'Brien story. It'll fit right in the catalog of other Matthew Capitacazza classics. Yeah. Scintillating titles. Yeah. Shut up. A play by Matthew Capodacasa classics. Yeah. Scintillating titles. Yeah.

Shut up. A play by Matthew Capodacasa. Jonathan Winters over here. He'll spell nature, N-A-Y-T-U-R-E. The lead character is Samantha Nature. She went to an all-girls college and then crushed Joe's dreams. Now, you're excited. You're having a good time, which leads us

to our big announcement. We promised a big announcement. We gotta do it here in Chicago! Yes! We've been sitting on this for a while and we saved it for Chicago. It was for you guys. This is the kind of announcement where some of you might hear and be like, oh we saved it for Chicago. It was for you guys. This is the kind of announcement

where some of you might hear and be like, oh, cool, good for them. And then others will start to realize the implications and immediately orgasm. That's what's going to happen. Too late.

Too late. Let's wait 10 minutes before we announce it. As of this month, January 2019, Joseph Pennyfeather O'Brien IV That's not right. and me,

Dr. Troy LaValle Esquire You have no degrees. the first of his name have gone full time with the Glass Cannon Network. We did it! Yo, come on, this guy! We're doing it!

We quit our jobs to do this full time. And it's your fault. And it's your fault! No, but it's thanks to the overwhelming support of the niche. Of course. The overwhelming support of people like you who come out and see us like this. I mean, we have... We had no choice.

We have put our lives and the livelihoods of our families on the line here for this fly-by-night cockamamie scheme. I know Joe's wife is so nervous. I know she's freaking out. She's very angry. She's so mad. You have a really

good job. You had a really good job. Well, this is the thing. I worked tons of different jobs. I was doing freelance video. I was pulling crazy hours all over the place. But Joe, you worked the same job for 15 and a half years. You worked your way up from, correct me if I'm wrong, a lowly shoeshine outside the building.

Yeah. Shine your shoes, governor! To the head of your department. And you gave it all up for this. And, little known fact, he was two days away from a pension. Two days. Two days. That's why she was really upset.

Yeah, that really, I'm sure, pissed her off. And now it's gone. You got no pension, no 401K, no retirement plan, no health insurance. No insurance. No. Sometimes, Troy, you have to give up the paycheck. You have to give up the health insurance. No insurance.

No. Sometimes, Troy, you have to give up the paycheck. You have to give up the health insurance. You have to give up the comfort and the stability of a real job to take a real life goddamn adventure. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's true. Well, it is a risk.

And I appreciate that you did it. But I think you're an idiot. I don't think so. I thought about it a lot. It is a seriously huge commitment that, you know, I couldn't. To be in this position is ridiculous. It's kind of like dream come true territory. I'm sure so many people here understand what it would be like to be in this position. And I can't even believe that I'm the guy here in this position that's even talking about this.

It's ridiculous. Fifteen years in the same job and then to resign to do this. It's not, you know, it can't, well, I do know why I'm here. I'm here because, well, there's a few factors. First and foremost, none of it is possible. factors first and foremost i i none of it is possible none of it is possible without the incredible hard work and dedication and uh really just like unstoppable passion for the glass cannon network that my good buddy and rgm troy lavalie has for this project seriously it doesn't happen it doesn't happen.

It doesn't happen. Four more years. But all the other guys too, everybody else, it is, you know, I think in the last year and a half, we have been so

blindingly busy with the glass cannon. We do stuff too. Yeah, exactly. Like, like all of these guys, we have, we have never,

we just don't stop moving anymore. We're constantly moving and we never stop. I never of these guys, we just don't stop moving anymore. We're constantly moving, and we never stop. I never stop. And I'm going to stop right now in Chicago in front of all these fine people and just say thank you so much to all of you guys. Thank you, Skid. Thank you, man. Thank you, Matthew.

Thank you. Thank you. It is. It's truly... It is. It is truly, truly remarkable. You don't... Like, we're just a couple of buddies that started a new AP together. That's all it is.

We don't even like each other. Right. But then it got, like, really legitimately complicated, like, seriously complicated. And all of these guys, all of you guys, rose to the challenge.

And we fought through a lot of tough stuff and made it through the other side and it's just a testament to who you are as people and I don't think this could happen with any other group. I mean, 190 plus consecutive weeks of the same five guys on a show every single week.

That is unheard of. That does not happen. So you truly are remarkable people and I'm very lucky to be working with you. You too, of. That does not happen. So you truly are remarkable people, and I'm very lucky to be working with you. You too, man. You too, buddy. We really are. We're in like gun smoke territory for like the consecutive episodes. It really is. It's ridiculous. And of course, obviously, as Troy said, none of it happens

without you guys, of course. Without you, none of – this operation doesn't move out of our living rooms. And it doesn't become the quasi-professional operation it became. And it's because of you, seriously. Like we know that you guys can listen to other stuff. We know you can watch other stuff with your free time. We know that you can listen to the show and not pledge on Patreon. We know that you cannot buy any merch. You cannot, you could stay home on a freezing freaking cold Sunday in Chicago and not buy a ticket and drive for hours and take trains for hours to be here with us tonight.

But you rise to the occasion too with us. And without that, that's what my wife sees. She sees the emails you guys write she sees the facebook responses she sees the things that this community does that mean that it's going to go for a long ass time and this this change this move to going full-time is the first step to doing this for a really long time and And we're all in it together. For Highbury! For Highbury! For the Rose!

And the Light! Yes! Yes! Joe, I think you're going to really appreciate the time punch machine I put in the office. We're going to report his hours every week. Just get your hours in. It doesn't matter. I'm twitching without it.

Okay. It's just like, Troy, how much paid vacation do we get? I made him work on Martin Luther King Day. He did. I lodged a grievance. I always have crazy dreams on show week. My brain is just constantly moving, moving. So the other night, this is a completely true story.

I had a dream that I was watching some pirated sci-fi show on a very outdated laptop. And for some reason, I wanted to copy that show. And using my expertise as a professional hacker, as I was in this dream, I knew that the best way to do that was to gently slide an undercooked piece of bacon into the drive. Slid it right in and went like,

boop, boop. It accepted it, of course. Because it's a dream. Wait, this was your actual dream? This was my actual dream. Oh my God, I had the same dream! You were that bacon! Why, this is the anniversary of the bacon!

Why, this is the anniversary of the bacon. Troy, that bacon's been dead for years. Yeah, I won't see bacon around here now, Ma. No, but I put the bacon in and a message came up on the screen. I wish I was kidding. I woke up at like 5 a.m. and I wrote this down and said, the fun drive has been activated. You are such an idiot. Oh my God. The fun drive has been activated. The fun drive.

Well, sit back, ladies and gentlemen, because the fun drive is about to be activated. True story. I taught Troy how to alt-tab today. That is true. He never knew it before. I was just shoving bacon into my computer. Why didn't this work? It didn't work.

All right, let me take you back. Take you back. Joe, give me a C. A bouncy C. Bum. All right, that doesn't work. Give me something better than that. Well, you mean Sirenscape. By the way, that's how our CEO and boss get his feedback.

Something better. That, but like good? Good. Now we're talking. When last we left our mediocre heroes, they were continuing their exploration of this strange building that they found themselves in.

They had previously awoken in a dungeon with no memory of who they were, where they were, or how they got there. One of them, a particularly odd character who thinks his name might be Sheila. He took the liberty of anointing them with temporary names. Mrs. O'Lady, as played by Matthew Capitacazzo. Thank you.

Initially, Brett Ratner. Brett Ratner. And the man whose name I don't know. Tick wits, baby. Now, Brett Ratner did not like his name, so he insisted on being called James. It's a name that he feels connected to in some way. It might not be my name, but it's a name. I have to leave, he said.

Yes. From behind their prison bars, they see a strange creature, which they eventually find out is a doppelganger. It had altered its appearance to look like a doctor performing hideous surgery on an unknown man strapped to a table after she killed the man in addition to a poorly built and completely forgettable PC.

It's extremely well built. Forgettable, but extremely well built. If he was well built, he'd be alive. You still have to roll dice in this game, LaVallee. This is my recap. The heroes then

kill her with ease and make their way upstairs by climbing through a defunct boiler where they are then attacked by two dire rats and a magical beast known as a Zoog, or a Zoog, as I was corrected. Just as it seemed as if they would be outmatched,

a creature came up behind them. It was a gnome, a gnome-hungry ghost monk that Sheila dubbed Tiny Murder Clown. After making short work of the creatures, they exit the room to the hall where they are accosted by a number, they can't tell how many, but a number of panicked voices behind a barricade with crossbows trained on them. They hear that. After a short parlay, fearing that the heroes themselves could be doppelgangers, the men behind the barricade make them a deal.

doppelgangers the men behind the barricade make them a deal return with three fresh doppelganger corpses not ones that they already killed with crossbow bolts not ones that have holes where crossbow bolts were bring them back and then maybe they'll let them behind the barricade presumably to some semblance of safety by the way they talked a really big game about all the doppelgangers they killed riddled with crossbow bolts that we weren't allowed to bring back. I haven't seen a single doppelganger fight. No, we did find one. We found one. Where?

You didn't listen to the episode. In the pile. I asked you to listen to the episode. What are you doing with your full-time job, Joe? I know, you're full-time now. What do you do with your skills? Now it's serious. What are we paying you for?

With your dedication and his ability to give criticism, we're going to go far. Was it in the cellar? No, it was in the pile. It was in the... I'll get you. The pile where the woman was? Yes, the pile where the woman was. There was like three bodies there, actually, I think.

Yes. You guys know, right? Yeah. Are you guys on salary, too? No. You're all hired. We're all hired. Everyone's hired.

Joe, go back to shining shoes. Go get your shine box. Go get your shine box. I would love this if it was all an elaborate ruse to get Joe to quit his job. Yeah. It's like, gotcha. Gotcha. I'm sending this to your company.

So, all right. You think that if you get behind the barricade, there's going to be some sort of safety back there. So, you go back downstairs to retrieve the one doppelganger you already killed. And while doing so, you check a door that you skipped past earlier to reveal a pile of corpses beneath a chute near the ceiling. You then head back to the boiler room to rest before exploring further. As you sleep, each of you are haunted yet again by strange, prescient dreams

that blur the line between being awake and asleep. Tiny Murder Clown and Mrs. O'Lady are so affected by the dreams, they wake having recovered zero hit points. Sheila, Mrs. O'Lady, so affected by the dreams, they wake having recovered zero hit points. Sheila, Mrs. O'Lady, tiny murder clown, the man whose name I don't know, now conveniently dubbed Tigwitz,

and James, the rat, make their way up the hallway. They walk outside to a courtyard as searing rain almost burns their skin. They are attacked by giant centipedes while searching storage closets and...

Do you remember that skit? The giant centipedes? And as they continue further north, they discover a collapsed hallway and more bodies. This is where you found bodies that had doppelganger corpses with holes in them. One of the bodies, though, is shockingly still alive.

It's a grandmotherly old nurse with a hideously broken leg. She calls out. She's like, please help me up. I'm hurt. Not dead yet. Not dead yet! She's still alive, but she can't move because her leg's all fucked up.

A wall collapsed on her leg, she says. And so you're like, you know what? We're just going to prop you up here, give you some water, continue forward into this next rubble-choked hallway. As they do, to the north, Tigwitz and Sheila see another

body, half covered in debris. As Tigwitz bends down to inspect,, half covered in debris. As Tigwitz bends down to inspect, a diminutive skull smashes at him as two disembodied hands like, crawl up his body to try and strangle him. From behind,

James hears a noise and turns to see the old woman just standing behind him, her leg dangling in midair, smiling at him. I think we should roll for initiative. We're in Chicago. We're back. We're in Chicago.

Let's roll for initiative. Let's do it. Roll for initiative. There you go, Nick Lowe. That sounded great. Yeah. I'm excited. I got a new iPad that Grant can't break from way overowe. That sounded great. Yeah. I'm excited. I got a new iPad that Grant can't break from way over here.

Oh, please. You'll find a way. You'll find a way with that giant head. My head is as big as his, and I'm like five inches shorter than him. Doesn't make me uncomfortable. One of Troy's weaknesses is relative size. It is. Yeah.

Troy and I are essentially the same height, and yet I've been the shortest for you. That's true. That's very true. You're very tiny. How tall are you? 5'8". But you stand 5'2".

You walk around with the countenance of a 5'2 man. Don't slouch, Matthew. All right, Sheila, what do you got? Oh, I've... 15. 15. Oh, that's good. Yeah,? Oh, I've... 15. 15. Oh, that's good. Yeah, that's good.

James. 18. 18 for James. That may... May keep you alive. Mrs. O'Lady. That's a 15 for me as well. Oh.

Fight, fight. I have a plus two modifier. What about you, Sheila? Modifier. Oh, my modifier is plus six. I think that wins. That is? You win this round.

And Tigwitz. You know, Tigwitz isn't really accurate. It should be Tigwittedink. I don't know how we settled on that. Tigwiddink. We need a better name. Grant, what do you got? Tiggy.

Tiggy. Na-na-na-na-na-na-nine. Na-na-na-na-na-na-nine. Na-na-na-na-na-na-nine. Let's go to the map. Grant. Absolutely. Tiggy to the map. Let me just alt-tab.

Here, look at my hands. I don't know what that is. That's what I'm doing right now. I've got bacon grease. It's actually command-tab on the map. I've got bacon grease all over my computer. It's hard when you switch, but... Oh, yeah, you've got to remove Murder Clown from the map.

Oh, take him, yeah. Well, no, he's still there. All right. Tiny Murder Clown is still there. What the hell's going on? Tiny Murder Clown is still there. At the start of the round, James, you see that Tiny Murder Clown

has been slowly lagging behind during all of this. Seeing the old woman rise up to face you, he bolts back down the way you came. Page is unresponsive, Troy. Just give me one second. This is a brand new Macintosh computer Troy insisted on getting. There's no map. Oh, no.

Give me one second. No, it just froze. We're reloading. We're reloading. Professional operations. Support Roll20, everybody. I think Skid has a perfect drop for this. Oh, I do. Hosted by a beautiful mustachioed man. That's not it. That's not it.

Nope. I thought it was going to be the Jeopardy theme. While you're working on that, I can tell you what Tiny Murder Clown is doing. He sees this old woman rise up to face you, bolts back down the way you came, and as he does in the distance, you hear like, as a bunch of crossbows go off. Oh, no!

What? It's gonna fuck up our whole thing! Tiny Murder Clown is... Even if they're friendly crossbows, they're gonna fuck up our whole plan. That's all you hear. God damn it, LaValle. I'm just gonna delete Tiny Murder Clown.

What does one publisher from Paizo hear from Portland right now? He'll receive an email in the morning. I could do an impression of that. Do your best, Eric. This is forever. It's on the internet. Tee hee, I'm going to abandon the party. It's the thing I do seventh best.

There you go. That's pretty good. That's the thing I do seventh best. There you go. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Pretty good. You should send Mona an email tomorrow that says the subject is notice of termination. We were in the hotel earlier before we went to dinner and Joe was like, very weird. He just kind of came to me and was like, I think you fudge initiative rules.

I do. And I was like, I think you fudge initiative rolls. I do. And I was like, how dare you? No one else was around, but I was still horribly offended by this. I was like, how dare you? And he's like, well, you always roll over 20. I'm like, I just call it like I see it. And he's like, I guarantee, I guarantee the doppelganger is going to roll higher than James. And I said, well, I'll tell you right now, it has an initiative bonus of plus one.

Right. And your initiative bonus well, I'll tell you right now, it has an initiative bonus of plus one. Right. And your initiative bonus is... Plus seven. Right. And it rolled higher than you. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. Every level.

This is going to be a rare instance of me backing up Troy. You'll notice where Troy's GM screen is right now. Just blocking my side. Just blocking Grant. Because I have watched all of his die rolls, and everyone he's ever called out has been true. Thank you, Grant. The only point of integrity this man has is in his die rolls.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm not talking about his in-game die rolls. He rolls all of his initiatives before the session. So he comes in, he's like, yeah, I pre-roll them all. And then you're like, 19. And every time you're like, well, I know I'm going second or third behind him. And you always are. No, it's understandable, but telling a man, accusing him of fudging his die rolls is like

saying that ernie banks corked his bat right and he did chicago right pistols at dawn doesn't seem like that kind of crowd skin didn't quite land buddy that was a was a very Dennis Miller-esque joke. It's like when Franz Ferdinand got... You rolled an 18, I rolled a 20. I'm sorry, Joe. So you rolled a natural 19. Yes, I rolled a natural 19. Wow, that's really impressive.

Yeah, you like that? Really impressive. We'll see if you like this claw to the face, because she steps up. Sheboink. That's going to be a 16 against flat-footed. That is a hit. That is a hit.

How about max damage? John, don't worry about it. You're a first-level wizard. 12 points of damage isn't going to hurt you that much, is it? Are you serious? Yes. 1d8 plus 4 is 12 points of damage. All right, I'm unconscious and dying.

Oh! Somebody get out the bacon. I want to copy this. Are you really unconscious? Yeah, dude, I'm unconscious and dying. What do you mean am I really unconscious and dying? 12 points. This is absurd.

I have good news. Natural 19. I have good news. It's your turn. All right. You want to roll a constitution? Very important constitution. Save.

All right. DC, 14. I am negative four. DC, 14. Made it exactly. Natty, 12. All right. DC 14 made it exactly 90 12 alright stabilize stabilize

stable good luck fellas wow hey Joe can you get me a drink no yeah Joe can you get me a fresh

Red Bull actually I would like a drink it is yeah five Malorcs please no no no Yeah, Joe, can you give me a fresh Red Bull? Actually, I would like a Red Bull. Five Malorts, please. No, no, no. Does this ever happen to you guys?

You have like a month between sessions, and you know a combat's coming, and you know where you are, and you're like, I know what I'm going to do. And you immediately roll a low initiative, get put unconscious, and can't do any of your plans. You rolled really well on initiative, Joe. I did, I did. You rolled really well. I did. I just rolled a little better.

It's such a lie. It is Sheila's turn. Sheila, you are standing right next to Tigwitz, and you see this little head smash against him. There's a dead body there, and hands crawling up Tigwitz's body. All right, so he turns to the woman that we previously saw

in the hallway and says Oh, good to see you up and about again. Seems you're feeling better. And, uh, okay, so, does he have a Oh, boy. Alright, so I'm going to take a

five foot step away from Tiglitz. Okay. And I am going to throw a bomb. I'm going to throw a bomb. At James? No, at the creature attacking him. Okay.

Ah, so you're going to throw it at the body. You know what? No, that's stupid. That's really stupid. Skip. Oh, no. Okay. This is an imaginative game.

You can do anything you want. That's so true. All right. You are only limited by your imagination and your guilt. I'm going to take a full move, like go behind James. Okay. And you see right there, the wall stops. Like all that rubble chokes the hallway to the point that you can't pass through.

If you want to get around, you have to go through the door. Through the door. But I can see her through the door? You absolutely can. In a signature move, I'm going to throw a bomb behind that woman. Yeah, there you go. So I'm going to try

to natural 20. Yeah! Woo! Which is not really, that's not a crit. Yeah, you really crit that empty space. It's a crit on the square

behind her. Right. That square is messed up? That square behind her is fucked up. It's got to be a five foot pit at least. But she...

That square will never walk again. No, that's... It'll never dance with its daughter at her wedding. It'll never dance at her daughter's wedding. All right, yeah,

you crushed the hell out of that square. So she takes six points of damage against a DC-14 reflex save for half. DC-14 reflex save, 15. Boo. Fail. Fail. Boo. All right, so how many, is that three points of damage or two points?

Right? Wait. Three. Yeah, three. I'll allow it. You see now why I only graduated college this year. And you didn't take any time off. You were just really.

I was working. I was taking 12 credits. Really struggling. The last 20 years. Yeah. Every semester. I did summers, too. It's his Mrs. O'Lady's turn.

So can you tell me what is happening? I can't hear you. You've got to speak up. Can you tell me what's happening with Grant? What's happening with Tigwitz? What's happening with Tigwitz? Well, from where you're standing, you see Tigwitz just like, as things are smashing into him and crawling up his body

from the same space as this corpse. see Tig was just like, as things are smashing into him and crawling up his body from the same space as this corpse. So I see disembodied hands on him? Like, just like, things. Like multiple, like, little tiny hands. Like Adam's family thing. Yeah. But two of them. Two of them. On him.

And a little head. But the head is on him too? Yeah. Well, the head is just like, Hey! Hey! Hey, buddy! Hey! You're gonna die, buddy. Hey! I have an idea. Oh, boy. It's always something. Just read the core rule book. Is there a rule for this

idea? And do what they allow you to do in there. I don't think there's... Well, maybe. So, in my mind, I just weighed my hand. Like, I went like this. And I was like, this weighs about two to three pounds. What weighs two to three pounds?

My hand. Okay. Excuse me. I have a spell that allows me to move an object, lift it, and move it at will from a distance. Objects that weigh five pounds or less. I see. So could I use this spell

to fling one of the hands off of Tigwitz and across the room? Move one of the objects. Does the object get some sort of will save? It is not. If it's unwilling?

Because this is an unwilling object. It does have to be one non-magical, unattended object. I'm sure that floating hand isn't magical. Listen, go ahead, try it. It's a mundane disembodied floating hand.

Troy, just hear him out. It's something you can get at 7-Eleven. You are not attending any of your hands right now. That's true. They are unattended. I don't know what to do with them now. I'm overthinking. Now you're making me worried.

No, you can't do it. It's stupid. It's a dumb idea. They say it's not stupid. I can't hear you. Fine, I'll mind thrust the old lady. Are you happy? There you go. Okay.

Yeah! Roll a willy. You can't do that either. Mind thrust the old lady. There you go. Okay. Yeah. Roll a will save. You can't do that either. Mind thrust the old lady, huh? Yeah. That's just rude. Will save. Natural one.

Yeah. You take six points of damage. Nice. Your brain hurts a lot. Nice. That's great. My brain hurts every time you have a turn, Matthew. And then Mrs. O'Lady will save her shoes.

You don't want to do anything else? Thanks for allowing me the chance to have a move action, but no, I respectfully decline. Only because I forgot. One of the hands, Grant. They have different initiatives? Oh, yeah. Oh, boy. One of the hands just... I tried, buddy. One of the object hands tries to claw you, just like

it crawls up, and it's like, tries to claw you before grabbing around your throat. Eight against flat-footed. Against flat-footed, that is a miss. Yes! You're all right, LaRusso, and it's your turn. You have three things coming at you.

Do I feel like they're impeding my movement? If I were to attempt to move, could I do so? Yes, but it would incur. I will incur gladly. Okay, could it occur? Oh, well. Three times. Three times.

All right, I'm going to swing at this head. I think you should do it. You're going to swing at the head? Is that... Is it because I made fun of your head earlier? It is. I just want to take a little off the top and I'll have a normal boy's head. He's a real boy! I'm a size eight and a quarter hat. It's impossible to find.

Yeah, so it just seems like taking a swing at the hands around my neck seems crazy. I think he should swing at the head. Let's do it. Natural 20. Wow. You called it, dude.

This side of the table. You called it. Before the show, he was like, I'm going to crit. You said it. I want to hit it and crit. Second attempt. Do it. Natural 17 on the Diver.

Yes! Wow. Ten points of damage on that. Yeah. Wait, are we not doing fan critical? Oh, that's a great point. Joe, please. I'll keep the damage.

Do not do fan critical. Yeah, do your fan crit. All right. That's not my fan crit. They might be here. Is Trevor from Portland here? No. Trevor?

Does anybody know Trevor from Portland? Just keep reading until someone's here. All right. Oh. Numb fingers. Oh. It's a head. I wonder if it's controlling the fingers.

Your attack hits the target's weapon-wielding arm. So you just hit the head. Yeah. Yeah. Crushing or severing a nerve, blah, blah, blah, double damage and drops whatever's being held, so it's irrelevant.

But you do do double damage. All right! So it drops, it drops, 10 points of damage. Yeah, I mean, is it controlling the hands? You don't know.

Well, it would drop one of them if it was. Okay, so this just says it drops whatever is held in their hand. Okay. So him. It's holding him. It would let go of me. A couple of things are going to happen. Yeah.

We're talking transitive property, baby. They're like, I got my money's worth. He said the catchphrase No, they're not, not yet We'll see you next week Grab the iPad and run I'm going to crush them all We're not very good at this

You destroy the head Yeah Oh my god You have cut off the head of the snake However, I need all of you, with the exception of James, to roll a perception check. Oh, dear. Perception check. Perception check.

Perception check. I'm going to use inspiration on this. It will still not help. Can you use inspiration on your voice, Matt? Oh. You're the meaning in my life. You're my inspiration.

It is funny. Matthew's been trying to save his voice for the last two days. So he hasn't really said anything. But a couple of times it's like he said something that was... He saved it for when it was really funny. So it's like minimalist Matthew is the best Matthew. I met Matthew

in the lobby to go to Pequod's. Anyone here a Pequod's fan? And he didn't tell me beforehand that he lost his voice, so we just stared at each other for ten minutes straight. Until he finally pulled up his phone and said, I hate you. There were a few times at Pequod's that Grant

said something emphatically, and Matthew would just go like this. Like it's factually incorrect. It was like having lunch with a mime. It was awesome. Like no, he's wrong. I did say one thing at Pequod's and that was after I had the first bite I said, oh god, and had a heart attack. But so quietly. It was great.

Sheila, what did you get for perception? 14. Tigwitz? 14. Okay. Tigwitz? 20. Okay. And what's your name? Mrs. O'Lady?

Mrs. O'Lady. What'd you get, O'Lady? 11. 11. Okay. Sidebar. You notice the corpse. Something seems to be wriggling inside of it.

Separate from the action that's going on right now. You have a chance to react to this, if you choose. I'd like to take a move action if I'm not impeded by that. I'll take attack of opportunity, maybe. Because I can't attack anymore, right? Can I do a knowledge check before I make a move? Knowledge religion, maybe? Yeah.

All right, let's see what happens. Come on. This is your thing. Ooh, yes. 20. Oh, I'm sorry, 22 knowledge religion. 22. Ooh, DC 23.

Oh. He does pre-roll his initiatives. I'm kidding. I don't know what the DC 23. Oh. He does pre-roll his initiatives. I'm kidding. I don't know what the DC is. So knowledge religion to try and figure out what's going on. There is some sort of a haunt manifesting right now. Oh, no. Oh, my God. No.

And only you are aware of it. Can you channel? I can't channel. I can cure light wounds. Oh, no. That won't help. Yeah. I don't think those are equivalent

you have a chance to act in this separate side round oh no if you'd like to i don't know what i mean there's nothing you can do nothing you can do we've got a lot of ways i just want to give it to you and watch you squirm well how does it manifest like what is he what does he sense what is it you just see the that's the dead corpse, like the stomach is like undulating. Oh, no. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, no. While a hand is on you, the head is gone.

I'm going to move adjacent to James. Move. Bold. Yes, I haven't taken a move action. Adjacent to James. I'll take the attacks of opportunity from the Hanzos. Okay. Hanzonis. The Hanzonis. I'll take the attacks of opportunity from the Hanzos. Okay. Hanzonis.

The Hanzonis. Hopefully they don't roll natural Twenzonis. Shut up. First one goes to attack you. Natty 19. Hits you for two points of damage and attempts to stop your movement by strangling you. Oh, no.

That is going to be a miss. All right. The second one goes to attack you, Natty17. Another two points of damage and attempts a grab-oni. Oh, no. And misses on the grab. Go to hell-oni. All right.

Go to hell-oni. Go to hell-o-ny. All right. Go to hell-o-ny. Go to hell-o-ny. So, you can attempt to move away. I will move directly adjacent to my main man, James, a.k.a. Brett Ratner. So, you move to James. Mm-hmm. Okay.

It is now... Sometimes I think my computer's a touchscreen, and I just... Well, it's working. Just needs more bacon. You know, PCs have that ability. You know, if you were to buy a PC, they would have that ability. Oh.

Well, I don't do that. Now it moves back to the normal round of turns, and it's your actual turn. Tigwitz. Oh. Did you take your turn? Yes.'s your actual turn. Tigwitz. Oh. Did you take your turn? Yes. Oh, you did.

I'm sorry. I should have lied. If someone asks you if you're a god, you say yes! No, it was the head. All right, so it was the head's turn, and now it's the other hand's turn. That hand moves off its spot

and comes after you again. It floats through the air. Yes, it just kind of like... No, it crawls like... Okay, Adam Sandler for sure. It is a 10 to hit. Miss. Miss.

New round. Okay. The doppelganger. Don't. Oh, no. Do not. Oh, no! Coup de grace?

What do you think? That's weird. Look at Greg. He's so mad. I'm not mad. I'm just upset with you. I'm not mad. I'm upset.

That's what my dad told me when he caught me playing hooky from school. I thought you were going to say something very different. That sounds like it's not actually what happened. He caught me and said, I'm not mad. I'm just confused. Why? Is that how you do it? Don't come in here.

All right. Do you think that this character can stand on James' space while it's unconscious? All right. Difficult terrain. All right, it's difficult. You're a difficult terrain. It takes a five-foot step and it's going to do two attacks. It's going to take a move action. First one. In the difficult terrain. It's difficult. You're a difficult terrain. It takes a five-foot step, and it's going to do two attacks. It's going to take a move action.

First one. In the difficult terrain. Shut up, Grant. That is a house rule. Claw attack on Sheila. It's going to be a 20. Wait, is that a house rule? No, it's a rule.

The body is difficult terrain? The body is difficult terrain. That's a real rule? Yes. Grant, I'm sorry I yelled at you. Bottle cap. Give me a fucking bottle cap. Yeah.

Give me the bottle cap. Give me the bottle cap. The people of soccer. Give me the bottle cap. Bottle cap. Bottle cap. Give me the bottle cap. Bottle cap.

Bottle cap. Bottle cap. Bottle cap. Well, now I'll never give it. I didn't bring any. They're available for purchase at the merch booth. They're also available for purchase at the bar. I'm sure we're sold out.

They come free with every bottle of beer. I got cans. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's true. Your hands are tied. Sheila, you take ten points of damage. Oh. What?

Yeah. It took one move action. I am unconscious and dying. No, Sheila's unconscious. Did you make an attack roll? Yeah. Oh, yeah. It was a 20 to hit.

I'm assuming a 20 hit. Sheila, you're unconscious and dying? I am. All right. I promise if you ever play in his game, that will work. Oh, come on. No, I mean it. If you ever play in his game.

Can he replace you for the rest of the show? That's fine. I'll be at the bar. He bought one of the new shirts. I think he's earned it. Yeah, I love that new shirt. Yeah. Woo!

So let me get this straight. Sheila and James are unconscious and dying. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're a terrible dealer. You did it! I think you're unfamiliar with the Pathfinder system. You did it?

I, uh... Man? I feel bad. James, it's your turn. You're unconscious and you're stable. And stable. You can't do anything. Yeah, so he's...

I think he's having terrible nightmares. Sheila, how far below zero are you? Four. Negative four. Both of us. I need you to roll a DC 14 Constitution. I'm fine, he says. What's your con? My con is 12, so...

Okay, plus one. Natural 20! Yes! They're going to live forever! Welcome to the jungle! Take wins for the same us! Yes! They're going to live forever. Digwits will save us. Digwits, save us. I like how you're stabilizing save music as welcome to the jungle.

I have drops finally. I want to use them. Seems like overkill. Mrs. O'Lady, your party's dying around you. Your turn. I'm kidding. Okay, Mrs. O'Lady Is going to do a mind thrust I guess I need to take a five foot step

I'll take a five foot step Okay And then she'll look very intently At the doppelganger and do a mind thrust Or a will save Okay, will save The old will save, huh? That's one.

All right, then. I'll use my neon green. 14. DC 14. Oh, come on! I didn't know that. But I rolled max damage to three points of damage. Oh!

You guys will be fine for at least another round. So I took a five-foot step, so I can't do another move action, right? You can do a move equivalent action. Right. But you can't move. You can't move again. Oh, all I want to do another move action, right? That is a move equivalent. You can do a move equivalent action. Right. But you can't move. You can't move again. Oh, all I want to do is try to grab the ham that's on Tiglitz. That's not a move action.

No, that's a standard action. Yeah, that's what we call a standard action. You'll get it one day. What if I try to do like Indiana Jones, like brush it off him like the tarantulas? Well, that sounds like a move action. That's a move equivalent. That's a whole different thing. That's a whole different thing. That's a whole different thing.

No, no. Can't do these things. What if I pull out a little brush and try to be like, like I'm cleaning off his shoulders, have like a balance? I feel like we talked about this before the show. Were you armed with a brush? Never go out with a brush. Let me see it on your character sheet.

Well, you know what you can do? You can deal with the hand that just moved onto your space and tries to attack you. Can I ask you a question? Not onto your space, but near your space. Yes. Was it part of your plan to do a TPK this early in the show? You know what? My plan is just to let the dice roll and see what happens.

Yeah, I know. I just want to have fun. If you guys have fun, great. But really, I just want to have fun. All right. Disembodied hand, we'll call it one, goes to claw you. Eight misses. Miss.

That's going to be fine. And then where are you standing? Did you actually move or you just said you moved? No, I moved myself. Did you? Nope. It didn't do it. No.

How convenient. Where are you going to move? Where is this five foot step? I just did it. He did it. Is it to the middle or straight up? Straight up. Okay. It's very important that I know these things. That's why we play on Roll20. It is Tigwitz shirt. Tigwitz, two down, two to go.

Oh my god. Tigwitz's initial idea was to help heal James and get him back up. Yeah. But Joe and I had a long discussion at lunch about how ineffectual he felt

he would be in this combat. I don't remember. I don't recall that. I'm not crazy. I wasn't listening to anything you guys were saying. That's true. Skid's still drunk from that.

I was just watching Matthew. I was just like waiting to see what kind of semaphore he'd come up with. Tigwitz is going to take a swing at this doppelganger. At the doppelganger. Because he's seen her take down two people. To one. It's time. Cash in the bottle cap first off.

Yeah. This is the time, Greg. For what? What bottle cap? All right, here we go. Here it comes. Natural 20. Let's get ready to rumble.

Let's get ready to rumble! Oh, you are the best! And it's a new die. That's a loaded die. New die. Oh, nice. I also made sure this one cheated. Here we go.

14 to confirm, 18 to confirm. That's confirmed. 14 to confirm. 18 to confirm. That's a confirmed correct. Yes! Question. Are you a named character? Oh, that's a good question. That's a fair question. No, he has a name. We just don't know it.

That's true. Right. Go ahead. I don't know what it That's true. Right. Go ahead. I don't know what it is, but I got to be honest. I sort of just picked one because it seemed close. Is Jeremy from Wisconsin here? No. All right.

Wow. Jeremy from Wisconsin split in twain. Slashing weapon only. Do you have a slashing weapon? Yes. yes. Cougar. Your blade finds its mark on the side of your target. Target must roll a reflex save.

Passing reflex save results in normal damage, and the target is no longer at risk. If the target fails the reflex save, double damage and a fortitude save, or be split in twain and permanently dead. Oh, wow. You've got to be kidding me. So reflex save first. Do you make the reflex save normal damage? If I fail, I'm dead?

No, if you fail, you get a fortitude save. Fortitude save. And then if you fail that, you're dead. Oh, boy. All right, reflex save. If he fails the reflex save, double it. Come on, fail that reflex, John. Roll it out here.

Okay. Okay. We're all friends. It's pretty high. It's 21. And it's against my... No, it's against your adjusted two-hit, which was 18. I have further confirmed.

Yeah, your confirmed roll, which was 18, right? It's 21. Oh, no, I rolled a 14 on his eyes, did I say? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, it's 18. All right, so normal down. Normal down. So it's worse than actually having a critical.

Thanks a lot, Wisconsin. It's awesome. The cheese products of Illinois are far superior to that of Wisconsin. Wow. Let's go, dairy farmers. Let's make the best cheese ever. Them's fighting words. Exploding dice?

Exploding dice? Exploding, yes. Sure. All right. Skid, watch this. I'll watch. Blow on my own dice. That's illegal in the casino.

Ah, boy. Minimum damage. four points of damage. Oh, God. That's the worst crit I've ever seen in my life. What a sounded jury signifying nothing. I bet you Jeremy's here and he was just ashamed of that crit. I don't blame him at all. It's all right, buddy.

I appreciate it. You tried. It is now disembodied hand number two's turn. It is now disembodied hand number two's turn. Disembodied hand number two will again attempt to grab a Tigwitz. Natural 20. Oh, man. Not a named hand. Just a mundane, non-magical floating hand.

Just a mundane hand. An object to Matthew. Right. Like a candlestick. Like a candlestick or a severed hand. 19 to confirm. That's Like a candlestick. Like a candle or a severed hand. 19 to confirm. That's a confirm.

Rocks! Rocks tonight! That's it, dude. Done. All right. Couple things. That's it. Four points of damage.

Are you still up? You're still up. Four points of damage? Still up. Okay. Now goes to grab you. Matty 19. That thing's grabbing you.

And you can no longer speak because it's strangling you. Oh, no. Nor can you cast spells with verbal components. You'll be fine. I'm sure you'll be fine. So much for the cure light. Wounds, man. So this thing just...

Stop touching me. Such small, cold hands. You're grappled. You're grappled. You're strangled. You can't speak or cast spells with verbal components. Two of your compatriots are unconscious and stable. And Mrs. O'Lady is useless.

She's not useless. She thrusted your mind. And it's O'Lady is useless. She's not useless. She thrusted your mind. And it's the doppelganger's turn. Oh my god. We're going to take a five foot step. I thought you were going to say we're going to take a five minute break. We're going to take a five minute break. And think about making new characters.

And we're going to start out we're just going to start out with one attack on Mrs. O'Lady. With my neon green detour. That's going to be a 13 to hit. Miss. Oh, yes!

Second attack. On Mrs. O'Lady. 17. That hits. Oh, no. Oh, God. 1d8 plus 4. 10 points of damage. Oh, no. Oh, God. 1d8 plus 4. 10 points of damage.

Oh, my God. Mrs. O'Lady is unconscious and died. Oh, my God. No. No. I'm wrong. What? I'm wrong.

Mrs. O'Lady is disabled. Oh. Oh, you're at zero. Huge difference. Huge difference. Because now it will just keep attacking you Okay Moving right along

James, Sheila, Mrs. Elainey Alright So before the show Grant told me like 17 times That he has a potion of cure light wounds on his belt It was 14 you lie don't go down this road

you're disabled you can't like you can move or take a standard action or just put the chest piece down yeah there's not a lot I can do you can grab the potion killer would that provoke

I'm sure it would you got any of those mind thrusts left nope Killer. Would that provoke? I'm sure it would. Okay. You got any of those mind thrusts left? Nope. Oh, no. Use them up. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. I'm going to stab at it with my sword cane. There you go. Yeah. All right. You could roll a natural 20. I have a minus one to hit. You'll be fine.

Seven. There was not a natural 20. Just check the AC here. Look, see the eight is next to the 20. Nope. Did anybody give me a minus eight to my AC? No, then that's definitely not a hit. That guy. The guy who gave the bottle cap.

The guy who's just giving out bottle caps. Giving me minus. He's definitely not a hit. That guy. The guy who gave the bottle caps. The guy who's just giving out bottle caps. Giving me minus... He's a debuffer. He's just evil eyeing me. We got a witch! There's a witch! There's a witch! Get him!

Hang him! He bought the shirt. He should be able to do a minus eight to your AC. Disembodied hand number one goes after Mrs. O'Lady. That is, I'm assuming, a nice juicy hit with a 21. Yep. Two points of damage.

Let's see if we grab you. I'm unconscious and die. Ah. Well, it still can try and grab and strangle you to death. Yes, it could. By the rules of the game. Yes, it could.

An eight against your unconscious C.M, it could. An eight against your unconscious C.M. Dism. No, it misses. Ah, okay. What a stupid hand. It's almost like an object. What a dumb hand.

That's the intelligence of an object. I'm just trying to be creative over here. You kill my character for it. Sheila, James, Mrs. Old Lady, all unconscious. The hand goes. It is now Tigwitz's turn. I don't want to say

that the fate of the world rests on what you do here. The fate of this tour rests on it. I just want you to know, we're all counting on you. Do it, Grant. Give it up for Grant. Come on.

Seriously, if the entire party's lives rested in one player's hands, who would you want it to be? Yeah. Grant. One die roll. 100% Grant. Grant. It's like, you want one shot would you want it to be? Yeah. Grant. One die roll. 100% Grant. Grant.

It's like, you want one shot at the end of the game? Right. Michael Jordan. Exactly. Chicago, am I right? Right? I like how we're just saying Chicago things. I'm just trying.

Like, I flew into O'Hare Airport. All right, we came here on Whacker Drive. You know who my favorite Chicago Bull was? Horace Grant. Oh! Wrong crowd. It might have been his twin brother, Harvey Grant, who played for the Bullets. Grant, what are you going to do?

Before you start rolling like a maniac, what are you going to do? Talk it out. So right now, I am on difficult terrain. I can egress back into difficult terrain to engage hand number one, I believe. Is egress a verb? Yes, it means exit. It's making sure. Ingress.

It's a German word. Anyway, we'll talk about it later. I just want to make you nervous. Along with the alt-tabbing. The alt-tabbing? And so I can move back to attack that hand, but then the doppelganger is going to be able to move right up to me and take two attacks. You know that the hands do not pose the greatest threat. Right. It's Doppie McGee. So it's the doppelganger I going to be able to move right up to me and take two attacks. You know that the hands do not pose the greatest threat. Right.

It's Doppie McGee. So it's the doppelganger I want to take care of. It's doppelganger. I'm terrified. Egress and ingress are Latin words, by the way. I apologize. Nobody asked you. Oh, man.

Working with Troy is the best. So I'm going to attack. I'm going to attack the doppelganger. That's all I can do. Come on, Grant. I don'm going to attack. I'm going to attack the doppelganger. That's all I can do. Come on, Grant. I don't want to run. Nine. Now add your modifier.

Nine. You failure! It's so bad! Yes, that is a miss. And you're still grappled, strangled, and can't cast spells. Oh, man. We still have an hour to go. I don't know what we're going to do.

Can we fill time for like 45 minutes? Let's be very precise, Skitter. We're not going to leave Chicago alive. A funny thing happened in the way to the theater. Okay. All right. Okay. It's the doppelganger's turn.

You've all been in this seat before. GM's out there. Useless party. Fudging initiative roles. You've all been in the seat before. GM's out there. Useless party. Fudging initiative rolls. You've all been in the fudging initiative rolls. I got two attacks. I just get killed. Straight up kill.

The greatest part before you go is Joe told me, if I get a really good initiative, I have an incredible plan. I was so excited. I have the greatest plan, Grant. And his eyes lit up like the, like, it was like his third child. He was so excited about this plan. I was so excited. I have the greatest plan, Grant. And his eyes lit up like the... It was like his third child. He was so excited about this plan. I mean, I think a TPK is pretty fun, to be honest.

But, that's just me. You did kill a character in the first session. Alright. The doppelganger stops, coot across the rat, and runs away. It's a way out. I'm runs away. It's a way out. I'm just saying, it's a way out.

Don't even think about it. It's got to take several turns to drag his body back to that pile of bodies in the other room, right? So we can get away then. We're going to do a full attack action

on TIGWIDS. This got really tense. Yeah. Glad I wore jogging pants. Me too, Troy. Joe can see everything. It's horrible. It's horrible back here.

Why did you buy mesh ones? I don't know. I just wanted to let him breathe. The smell of the sweat alone is horrifying. First attack. Natural three. Okay. Oh, come on.

One more, dude. One more. We've got to survive. Stretch it out here. I stretched my dice rolling hand. One more miss. You can do it. That's not all you do with that hand, Troy.

Don't you worry about it. It's low-hanging fruit, Grant. Just like, well. Second attack. He's low-hanging fruit, Grant. Just like, well... Second attack. He's like 40, so they're really... Oh, I missed. Oh! 13.

Miss. Wait, but there's still hands. Yeah! There's still hands. You basically have one more round to figure this out. They're really handsy. Oh, my God. I like that.

It's James' turn. It's Sheila's turn. Mrs. O'Lady, roll a fortitude save or constitution check to stabilize. Nine. Oh, God. You take one more point of damage, and you're still bleeding out like a coward. Cowards bleed in. Oh.

Nice. Fuck. Yeah! That is legally binding in the state of Illinois. The hand continues to try and hurt you. 11 to hit your unconscious body. To hit? Yes.

It's just trying to like... Miss. Smash on you. Nice. Okay. Nice. Trying to smash. And it is Tigwitz's turn.

Jersey Shore? This is ridiculous. All right, I'm going to... Skyro's giving us a lot of love tonight. I'm going to give the love back. Do you want the blue pill or the red pill? Red, dude! Classic. Classic'm going to give the love back. Do you want the blue pill or the red pill? Red, dude. Classic.

Classic red. All right. Grand classic. Yeah. Fire it off the table. Knock some poor person unconscious. Come on. I don't know my own strength.

17 on the die. Yeah! 421. That's a hit, buddy. Yeah. Kill it! Here we go. It's a horrible thing.

Out of the... Out of the... Okay, seven points of damage. And you kill the doppelganger. Yeah! Yeah! Blah, blah, blah! Wow! Holy shit. Oh, what a night

We're not out of the woods yet No, we're not out of the woods yet The other hand that's still strangling you Automatically deals three points of damage to you I'm unconscious Zero, exactly Zero, I'm actually disabled, right? At zero? Yeah. You're at zero or you're disabled.

Yeah, Tiny Murder Farm needs to come back. Yeah, where is Tiny? We need a Deus Ex Moda. I don't know why you didn't stick around. That was good, man. Deus Ex Moda? I thought it was pretty good. You already got your fake bottle cap. Wow, I just caught that. That's awesome. That's really good. And moves to the top of the next... B really good. And moves to the top of the next round.

Doppelganger no longer goes. James, unconscious. Sheila, unconscious. Mrs. Lowlady, please roll another constitution save. Fail. Oh, man. Bleeding out. You're going to do this to yourself.

What's your con? Twelve. Okay, what are you at? Negative four. You're fine. What are you at? Negative four. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. We're literally one hit point away from a TBK.

That's true. That is true. The hand goes to try and attack you. Eleven. Miss. Okay. It is Tigwit's turn. Troy, if you do a TBK, some people will love it,

but a lot of people will feel like the old double doink against the Philadelphia Eagles just a few weeks ago. Look, it was painful for me, too, because this son of a bitch... I would never have brought that up. This son of a bitch was rejoicing in the streets. Yep. Find that man and escort him out.

Did you see that video of him burning a Walter Payton jersey? It was really uncalled for. That was Gale Sayers. Really uncalled for. It was Gale Sayers. That guy never did anything for humanity. He burnt it. Grant, what do you want to do?

Your life is on the line, the life of all your friends, the entire party. I can't cast any spells, nothing with any verbal components. Correct. So I'm going to swing at this hand. May I attack the hand on my neck? Okay, you have the grapple condition on. Make sure that's happening. Just want to keep you honest.

There were a couple people watching. Okay. I mean, you can't make an attack with a two-handed weapon. It's a one-handed weapon. Oh, it's only one-handed? It's a kukri. That's big for a rat person. Well, you just do such high damage.

I was impressed. All right, here it comes. Get it. Stab it. It's like one-handed? Yeah. It's a kukri. It's big for a rat person. Well, you just do such high damage. I was impressed. All right, here it comes. Get it. Stab it. It's like at your neck. It was a five. I used the blue die like a moron. Five is a miss on the disembodied hand.

The disembodied hand. Wait, wait, wait. I use a move action to urinate myself. You're staggered. You're staggered. You can't do that. But you know what? Oh.

Urinate for free. Free action. Oh, nice. You're also unconscious and dying. Oh, no. Yeah. Is that right? Yes.

So I'm at negative one now? Yeah. If anyone just walked in, all of the heroes are unconscious. Two of them are unconscious and dying. Goes back to the next round. No doppelganger. James, Sheila, Mrs. Old Lady, please roll again.

Fail. Oh, my God, dude. One more. I've rolled three sevens in a row. The hand retreats back to the body. It comes to Tigwitz's turn. Roll your check. There you go. Pass.

19. You have stabilized as well. The hand on you releases, goes back to the body as well. All of you lay there unconscious. Mrs. O'Lady, roll another stabilized check. Literally, my fourth seven in a row. Take that damage. Roll another stabilized check. It's a fail. It's a fail. Take that damage. Roll another stabilized check.

It's a fail. It's a fail. Take that damage. It was on a 14 and a roll off. Fail. Wait, what do you got now? What do you got now, buddy? Negative seven.

So it's DC 17. Yeah, it keeps going up. Now to a 19. There you go. Mrs. O'Lady. Mrs.. There you go. Mrs. Old Lady. Mrs. Old Lady. I'm sure she's fine. She's fine. So, you're all

out, unconscious. The hands, the head is dead. The hands retreat back, maybe into the rubble, maybe back onto the corpse. You don't know. Time passes. You don't know. Time passes. You don't know how much time. Grant, you find yourself lying in bed.

But part of you knows you didn't go to sleep in a bed. You're having these visions in your head of the fight, of going down, of the hand, of the doppelganger. But now you find yourself in a bed. You're having these visions in your head of the fight, of going down, of the hand, of the doppelganger. But now you find yourself in a bed. You're not lucid enough to suss out though that you're dreaming and as this happens you cough up blood on the white sheets in front

of you. As you try to examine the blood splatter in front of you, you also look down to see that your feet are shackled to a bed. Tiny feet. A child's feet. Joe, this

is serious. Why are you laughing? What's funny? There are children's feet shackled to a bed. You're a father of two, you monster. Why are you laughing? I'm sorry. You're the last person that should be laughing.

Why are you laughing? I misunderstood. I was just... Sorry. Wait. Were you distracted by putting scary, horrific music on? Yes. I was working on the music, and I thought that you were saying that full-grown adult

Tigwits just had a child's feet. say that full-grown adult Tigwids just had a child's feet. And the image of him trying to get around on size sixes, it just made me laugh. Alright, that is funny. Constantly breaking his ankles.

Everyone goes because they can't support the weight of his body. How the hell do you walk with those tiny feet? That's what I thought you were going for. It's canon. Tiny feet. It's Troy's newest curse. There's a mirror hanging on the wall opposite the bed, and you see yourself in the mirror, and you're a young child. You're bedridden. You're sick and possibly captive because you're locked to the bed.

Someone walks into the room. It's a woman that you feel a very strong emotional connection to, but they just empty your bedpan and leave food slightly within your grasp, all in a very perfunctory-like manner. They don't even really pay attention to you. Enough. Are you ready? May I continue? I try to make everyone feel bad equally.

You spread it around to the crew. We were at dinner and he kept just saying such mean things to each one of us. We were like, what are you doing? We're just trying to have a meal. And he was like, I'm warming up. I don't know what's going to work, so I work out material uh vicious by being really mean to my close friends if i can if i can put you into that then you can survive anything yeah that's true we almost didn't yeah you're the bob knight of gm like throwing chairs at you the one thing you notice on this woman before she leaves

the room she has a scarf tied around her face, covering her mouth. Time passes. You're about to fall asleep. And in the distance, you hear sounds of screaming. You try to jump up, but your restraints keep you from moving very far. Outside the window, you see signs of struggle as various figures are very clearly slaughtering each other. as various figures are very clearly slaughtering each other. And your room is then illuminated by orange light as the night sky begins to burn.

The doors to your room blast open and that same woman from before falls onto the floor near your bed. She hits the floor hard, but as she tries to rise, another figure steps in the room and stabs her straight through the chest. Other gurgled cries of people clinging to life in the distance join hers and you start to lose consciousness. Just as you fade into oblivion, new sounds enter your periphery.

As a paladin with a sigil of phrasma hammered into his breastplate, enters the room, moves to your shackles, and says, You'll be taken care of, lad. Matthew, once again you find Mrs. O'Lady in these now eerily familiar deserted alleys. You're wandering this same endless alien city as yellow mists continue to pursue you from all sides you hear a sound down an alleyway up ahead and to your left so you turn to investigate and as you do

you think you see a figure like look at you really quickly and then dart down the alleyway with your cane in front of you you amble as quickly as you can over to the alleyway, and you see that the alley is filled wall to wall with books, as if a library materialized out of thin air. You just walk down the stacks, gazing up at the shelves,

and something about this seems so intensely familiar, even though you know you haven't been in a library in an alleyway in some alien city before. Before you can place where this place is, a wall collapses in the building next to you, revealing a disproportionately small room. Inside, you see an ancient Kalashite woman sitting on a stool at a simple table.

She looks up at you and says, The past sleeps in the doctor's tomes, but your past was the sacrifice. She keeps repeating this phrase over and over again as black sludge starts pouring

out of her mouth and her jaw opens up wide until it goes completely backwards over her head as sludge shoots up to the ceiling. Oh. Your past sleeps in the doctor's tomes.

And your past is a sacrifice. Your past is a sacrifice. James is in a lavish room somewhere in a manor or some unknown estate. Maybe it's a manor, maybe it's a castle. You're not sure. But it's completely dark except for a shaft of moonlight that cuts into the room through a 15-foot high window that bears heavy purple curtains. that bears heavy purple curtains.

When the moonlight hits the far wall, you see a halfling squatting over a chest, working its lock feverishly. As James stands on watch, he notices a flickering light sweeping across the slit underneath the door to the room, and you hear footsteps as well. James makes a motion, and then he and the halfling freeze like statues.

He's like, and you both lock in place. After a moment, the light passes on. James exhales and nods at the halfling to continue. As she resumes her work, the tool she is using on the chest slips from her grasps and falls to the polished dark oak floor. The sound is deafening in the silence of the night. James shoots a desperate look at the female halfling. Without warning, the latch of the door clicks open.

Dim light pours into the room from a candle held by a young human woman. It appears to be a handmaid. In a heartbeat, her surprise and fear at locking eyes with the halfling turn to recognition as she sees James standing by her side. Her eyes widen. She knows you. She knows James. What are you do-

Her thin voice, quavering, turns into a choked gurgle as a bolt takes her directly through the neck. She falls to her knees, feebly reaching for her neck as James lowers the crossbow. And everything turns to blackness. Sheila, you're having trouble breathing. You don't know if you're anxious, nauseous, or just physically exhausted. But as you try to pinpoint the source of

your lack of breath, you feel some sort of bug fly close to you and land right on your forehead. It's dark in whatever room you're in, so you didn't see it coming, but it feels unusually large. And unusually moist.

Oh, no. You got a bottle cap for Troy! Spit take! All over his computer. Oh, no. It is! It's on your mouse pad. Honestly, moister than it should be. Oh. Just like the left. It shouldn't be moist at all. I don't know why.

It shouldn't. You try to time it don't know why. It shouldn't. You try to time it perfectly so you can swat it away. But as you move your hands to your head, they stop short because they're locked above you in manacles. Oh, no. You realize you're chained to the wall, hanging from your wrists in some sort of dungeon. Maybe you look down and you see that you're completely naked covered in open wounds some of which you can tell from experience are already deeply infected you try to like cry out but the position you're in

has made you incapable of like drawing a deep enough breath to scream your ribcage is all pulled up still you make an attempt using all your energy to thrash against the wall and position yourself in a way that allows you to whimper out. A barely audible like. You're immediately spent again.

Exhausted. And just as you begin to fade out from all this. A deluge of warm chunky liquid. Is thrown in your face. You try to cough. you try to spit, but even those reactions, those natural reactions, take too much energy. So yet again, you're forced to collapse

under the sickening weight of another bucket of human waste thrown in your face. Oh, God. It's like the Moscow Ritz-Carlton. Slowly but surely, each of you begin to regain consciousness. Everyone roll a will save. 17. 17. Well done, James. 17.

17. Well done, Sheila. Tigwitz? 13. Okay. Okay, done. What about James? 19.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And... My second roll of the night. Oh, boy. Mrs. O'Lady. Twelve. All of you recover your normal amount of hit points. Oh, man. Nice.

So unlike what you felt that first night, Mrs. O'Lady, now you're able to fight through and recover your hit points. But, I mean, some of you, your normal amount of hit points, you might still be unconscious. I'm still unconscious. I'm still unconscious. Yeah, we're just laying there. And the hands come back and kill you. Oh, no. But you

guys are up. And awake? No. I was at negative one. So you're disabled. So you're awake. You can drink your potion. Well, I can drink my potion. With a constitution plus two, I don't get... No, it's just one. But you can heal us now.

Yep, yep. So I'm going to drink the potion. You're up. Everyone else is still down. Drink the potion for myself. Oh, minimum damage. But I'm up. I'm up.

I'm going to use all three of my blessings and all three of my prepared spells using spontaneous casting. Or two prepared spells, but I have three available to me. I'm going to make them all empowered. So 1d8 times 1.5. I don't need your life story, Greg. First, reaching out to Mrs. O'Lady. Okay. Alright.

That's nine points of healing. Okay. Huge. I wake up. Huge. You'll live forever. Then reaching out to the Ratman. James. James. Minimum healing. Huge You'll live forever Then reaching out To the rat man James James Minimum healing Oh my god

So that's That's about right You can take the Joe Out of New York That's three points Of healing I think From zero That's right

Okay So I'm conscious Alright And then finally Reaching out to His friend Everyone's favorite, Sheila. All right.

That's 12 points of healing for Sheila. Nice. One point of healing. 12 points of healing. The thing is that my dice feel my emotions, Joe, and how I feel about the person I'm rolling for. And for you, just trying to figure out how that's mathematically possible. They're empowered. Plus 1.5, they're empowered. I'm using all of my

blessings on all of my spells. So you're all awake. So minimum is definitely 3, it's not 4. I believe so. Let's... We've got some time to kill. It's a 1v8. It's a big difference because otherwise I'm...

Powerful hero... 50% more damage healed. So it's like actually time to kill. It's a 1d8. It's a big difference because otherwise I'm a powerful hero. 50% more damage healed. So it's like actually 1.5 points. So that might actually round down. Right? So it's only 2? 2. 2. Oh, plus my caster level, right?

Alright, so it's 3. I didn't write the first time. I can't explain the rules i just spit out the right numbers okay thank you okay so james messed up yeah yeah emotionally and physically can take what's do a heel check to help along and maybe just you're already stabilized you're just at zero right yeah i'm just I'm just at zero. He's got a weight. He's basically slow, yeah. He's hobbling. So what do you guys do? You're in bad shape,

even with this rest. Rest again. What could go wrong? Let's drag this body back to the barricade. At least show them we have one more before we rest again. Yeah, no. Which we rest again. Yeah, no.

Which we must do. No, definitely. But I think maybe, I think if we tell them, show them how badly injured we've become, perhaps they would believe our story that we are who we say we are. Yes. I have no doubt in my mind that when they said three they meant two.

Yeah. And that when we bring the second they will say this time only we'll make an exception. Yeah. They seemed friendly and reasonable people so... The problem is they worship an evil deity named Troy.

Give no quarter! But of course it's worth a try. Cough, cough, cough. I'm very sick. So you're going to drag this body back. Yeah, Matthew's cough was way more convincing than yours was. You're going to drag it back to the barricade. All right, as you drag it back, you do not see Tiny Murder Clown's body. You heard ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch but you don't see any body. Is there blood on the floor? Is there drag marks

of some kind? Roll a survival or perception. Nope. Four. Ten. Perception. Fifteen. There, Mrs. Old Lady.

There's blood going in every direction. There's blood everywhere. On the walls, on the ceiling. It looks like that scene from The Shining. Usually blood gets out with a second flow. That's a good one.

So, yeah. You don't know. What do you got there? We have another one for you, Crossbow. Bring up the body. His name, by the way, is Crossbow Jackson? Yes. Crossbow Jackson.

All right, just leave it there. We'll take care of it later. We are extremely injured from fighting it. Is there any provisions you may have? Do you have several Cure Light Wounds potions behind the barricade that you might share with us? We are, after all,

literally doing your work for you. Hold on. As if you don't know. Exactly how many potions we have. No. Exactly how many potions we have. No! Well, it was a good effort. I'm afraid, my friend, that your lack of generosity is going to come back to bite you in the end. That's something one of them would say.

You just want an old lady to die. You're making me wonder who's worse. Them or you. Where's that high? They're much worse. No, them. No, you're great.

Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug. Like a roller coaster going up. Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug. Like a roller coaster going up. Click, click, click, click, click. Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug. Did you happen to see our friend the little tiny murder clown? Yes, the little one. Covered in blood. Yeah.

That's the one. It came running at us. We didn't realize until it came very close. But yes, we fired at it. It seemed as if we hit it. But then he ran into the courtyard. Oh, but it is that awful burning rain. Yeah. So thank goodness he survived to be burned to death.

Yes, it's a much better way to go. It's the way he would have wanted to go. better way to go. It's the way he would have wanted to go. You've brought us two corpses, but we cannot take any chances. You must bring us a third. And then maybe

we'll let you past. Again, this strikes me as an incredibly arbitrary standard of proof, but I'll defer. Let's go try to find another one of these awful things. I hope you have several days of rations on you. It is going to take us at least three days of rest to go on one more hunt for you. Also, bring back provisions.

The more provisions, the better. Bring back a treat. Bring back a treat. Bring back a treat. Bring back something nice from the store. A shrubbery. I am two-thirds of the way towards believing that you're not doppelgangers. We're filling up the belief bar very slowly. There's a bar in the way.

It really is supposed to be slightly different than a video game. But it's not. Not with LaValle. Alright, okay, well. Get out of here! Well luckily there's plenty of meat back where we came from so we're not going to starve at least.

Good. Good luck. If you're not one of them. If you are, bad luck. Bad luck to all of you. Did you ever see a creature with a floating diminutive head, two disembodied hands? Is that something you've come across in your battles against these awful creatures? What kind of mind games are you trying to play with me? We've seen all sorts

of madness. Did you see anything like that? What I just said? Hold on. See? No. Maybe you should really get out there sometime. It's exciting in the field. I have a question as well.

Yes. Just, so, this is, it's going to sound out of the blue, but do your people have a practice of throwing human waste onto prisoners at all? As if you didn't know. Fair enough. Absolutely not. We're not savages back here We're the only refined people left in this asylum

Well, if you're so refined I find it hard to believe that you wouldn't help those That are trying to clear this place of evil We need to be safe If you are who you say you are And we let you behind the barricade You'll be glad that we took such precautions Right

This is pointless. Let's go find a place to hole up and rest. For at least some time. Should we go back down to the cells? Maybe that's the safest place to rest? Or the boiler room, too. Lock ourselves in. I think the boiler room.

There's plenty of nice soft ash to rest upon. Yeah. We can lock ourselves in the cells. That's what I was thinking, yeah. Okay. Going to the cells? Go to the cells. You go to the cells. You rest.

Rest another day. As you rest, each of you, in turn, dream about that same city again. You dream about the same city again. You dream about the falling buildings, the endless clouds of yellow vapor. And in the vapor, once again, similar to that first dream

that some of you in Joe's shitty PC had, you see shapes just appearing and vanishing in the mist up ahead. Fleeting. Unsettling things that you can't quite focus on. The minute you feel like you can see it, it just morphs into something or nothing. After what seems like a lifetime of just staring into this void, After what seems like a lifetime of just staring into this void, an exhausted-looking man with a ponytail of straight white hair stumbles through the fog at each of you.

And you're all having these dreams separately, but the dreams are all exactly the same. He's wiped out, white ponytail. It's a douchebag. Get away from him. It's a total douchebag. He's got a man bun. Says, I never got my money back from the Fyre Festival.

Look at this sandwich. That's not fraud. False advertising. But you sense that he's, like, even though he's exhausted, he's insane with desperation. He has this look of desperation in your eyes. That said, he tries to, like, pass you by as if you're not even there. But right at the last minute, he, like, turns to you and grabs your arm, not to hurt you, but, like, pleading desperately at you and just says, We're all lost here.

We'll never escape. And then he rushes away into the fog ahead of you and saying, what have I done? What have I done? What have I done? What have I done? What have I done? What have I done?

And disappears into the fog. And the dream ends. Man. Everybody roll a will save. Oh, no. Oh, no. Read them and weep. Natty 19.

Natty 19? Natty 19. Natty 19? Natty 9, but 14. Sheila? 12? DC 12. Oh.

We're becoming resilient to the horror of this place. You all recover your normal amount of hit points. Con plus one. What do you do? Are we all, like, we're not all better, are we? Are we good to go, or do we need more healing? I could use more healing. I need more healing.

Okay. Desperately. Tigwitz will reach out to his friends, Mrs. Old Lady, and won't give the big speech to waste time like Troy chastised before last time. Mrs. Old Lady, first. Okay, so that is nine points of healing. I'm up to full. Yeah.

Nice. Nice. Let me ask you a question, Joe. Do you feel lucky, punk? Nope. Why don't you let Joe roll his healing? Yeah. Nice. Let me ask you a question, Joe. Do you feel lucky, punk? Nope. Why don't you let Joe roll his healing? Yeah. Joe, you can be the owner of your own destiny.

12 points of healing. Oh, yeah! Wah, wah, wah. Let's hunt some doppelganger. What's going on? Get ready for that one. And Tickwitz is just going to pull back the veil. We'll peek behind the scenes.

Eight out of 11. He's going to leave it where it lays. You're a brave man. Bold. I'm getting braver by the moment. Yes. Is it possible James is... No!

These repeated visions of this city, he wants to see if there's a knowledge check that he can do. Okay. This is a place that he could have some insight into. Is it knowledge planes? Is it knowledge religion? Knowledge arcana? Can I roll a knowledge plane?

Can I do it as well? No, because you didn't ask first. Knowledge planes. 24. Ooh, wow, nice. Ooh. And I'm sorry. 24, huh? Yes. So you rolled. 24. Ooh, wow, nice. Ooh. And I'm sorry. 24, huh?

Yes. So you rolled a 24. The old 2-4, right, Skid? That's right. Skid, tell us a story about 24. Oh, 24, like the number Michael Jordan wore, plus one. Yeah. That's it.

Grant, you love 24, don't you? Oh, I love that it divides by 6 into 4 that's pretty good remember that show that we all watched 24 yes

loved it loved it every season just got better and better that guy from Flatliners was in it as I recall right

oh man what a show that was. Still? Shows with numbers has names. That's in the top five or six. I prefer Three's Company. You're right. You're right.

I stand corrected. It's just been bumped down into seven. I prefer Two of a Kind. I don't know that show. You know who we are. It was a Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen vehicle when I was in middle school. Oh, God. You know who we are, Matthew?

A party of five. Oh. It's true. No, we're a party of five. Wow. Well, including this asshole next to me. You don't know anything. You don't know anything. Okay.

This city seems like something you read about, particularly in your studies of the Elder Mythos. Like, this is a city that's described in, like, the extent of your studies. You can't quite place it. You, like, ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca. And it starts with a K.

Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca- First word. Bosom buddies. No TV. Yeah, you can't quite place it. Can I do a potential spoiler? No. Okay, I won't. Yeah, go ahead. Do you remember in True Detective Season 1 when Matthew McConaughey meets up with the old lady and they kick him out right after she says, You know of Carcosa?

Where he, the Yellow King, lived? That's what I think this is. It's a Carcosa. That sounds familiar. Oh! Does Tigwood say that? Yeah, I should get a bottle cap. I never get bottle caps.

Oh, thank you. Oh! Oh! Oh, wow! Nice toss. It's a Troy model cat. It is. Wow.

So generous. I might use this tonight. He says Carcosa, Grant, not Tigwitz. You hear Grant's voice. Sounds like he came from some sort of playing a giant. Playing a giant with a massive head. Yes. It's just a giant head in the plains.

That seems to make sense, but your memory is so spotty, you can't quite place what Carpenter is. Yeah, but he'll tell them. He'll be like, I studied this. I know I did. I looked it up. It's familiar, but I can't quite taste it. But that name, it sounds familiar.

And it's bad news. If that is possible, if the dream world and reality have been so blurred that Carcosa is possibly a reality to you now when you sleep, this is Nightmare on Elm Street, bad news. It's as I feared. Yeah, this is legitimately unsettling for me now. Just hearing that word. You're going to add that to your list of fears?

I'm going to have to. I hate to get a new shirt, but I think I'm going to have to. I just realized you were wearing a bandolier. I am. Please, please. Someone sent this in. Please, people, continue to send us bandoliers.

I love them. And I'm also wearing a picture of my girlfriend's face on my sweatshirt. What do you guys do? What do you guys do? You've rested enough. Yes. Thanks, yes. Well, thanks to you. James is feeling better.

It's time to go hunt these creatures. There is a door up where we fought that awful diminutive head with disembodied hands. And I mentioned in Philly that the door seemed like it could be opened with a little bit of effort. The rubble choking the hallway has kind of wedged it closed, but you could fucking pull it open.

Let's sneak up there and see if the hands have been moved on or some such, and maybe we can get to that door. Yeah, I think that we've got to face them all. Just go back into that area to see if they're still there. At least. By the way, what's the lighting like in here? Is it completely dark up there? It's ambient.

Ambient, okay. What does that have to do with anything? That has no bearing on intensity. Joe accepted it. I just took that as low light. Ambient, good. Good. Oh, boy.

Troy took an ambient before he got out here. That's what I'm saying. This is where he writes all these dreams. That's right. The fun drive. The fun drive is maxed out. Look at the whole fun drive. Courtesy of ambient.

It's dim light. Okay. I mean, no, honestly, it's darkness, but it's too late to replay that first encounter. Okay, all right. Doc, who doesn't have darkness? Let's run it back. You know, let's take it all the way back. Wait, we found sun rods, though, didn't we?

You did. Okay, let's use one. Yeah, use a sun rod. And Tigwitz always has light cast on his kukri or shield. Okay, okay. So you want to go first. That's right, you did that going up into the hallway. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tigwitz, would you lead the way? I'm so scared, but... No, don't be frightened. That's right, and you did that going up into the hallway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Digwits, would you lead the way? I'm so scared, but... No, don't be frightened. It's okay. All right. It's okay. It's just cosmic horror. It's fine.

It's all right. Well, when you put it that way, I guess I have to. See? Lead the way. All right, so you go up there and you push that door open? I do. Just like... Creaking.

Trying to do it stealthily if possible. But I have a negative four to stealth, so I won't roll it. And the door, it can't be opened stealthily. It's just... It's too chunky. You see a small room

that looks like it opens up to the south into a larger room. You'll be okay. I would like to cast light on an object in that corner to see if I can see any further, or like right here. I just want to see a little bit further than I can right now. We'll see a little bit more. Yeah, I'm terrified. I don't want to go another inch without knowing what else is in there.

Okay, so you see the room opens up even further, and it looks like there's something going on to the west. Oh, I see the edge of something! Oh, shit! You screwed up, LaValle. No, no. I did that on purpose.

Oh, you want us to see it. Oh. I want you to see it. I want you to watch. Oh, no. I want you to watch while I do it. And Tigwit's eyes just glaze over, glaze over, and he almost faints, and he says, Sheila, Sheila, Sheila, could you go first, please?

I don't want to see what's happening. No, mate, are you all right? You seem even more frightened than usual. Are you okay? What is it? I just... I remember being rescued at some point, but I also remember ending up in a monastery

and the sisters, the Frasman sisters, beating me with anything they had nearby whenever I would answer a question wrong. And I remember every once in a while seeing a vision of the lady herself. And I would tell them what I saw, and it was all they could do to stave their hands from hitting me again. And all of these dead female attendants throughout this asylum, they're just giving me a bit

of a flashback. I'm sorry. I can't always keep it together. No, that sounds terrible. So, out of deference to your horrifying flashback, I'll go first. Oh my god, thank you, Sheila. Thank you, Sheila.

Don't worry, stay here. Take a couple of deep breaths. Pep some herbal tea. You have that? No. So I crack a sunrod and I go in. And you go into the room. Yeah.

Well, it's funny that it should be you that goes into the room. Oh, no. Because you see three figures manacled to the wall. Oh, no. Three figures manacled to the wall. Oh, no! Sturdy racks and toppled tables suggest this space once served as maybe a laundry? Much of the northern end of the room where you're entering, Sheila, is just filled with rubble. But to your right, on the western wall, a structure of pipe-like crossbeams fills the alcove and three figures are manacled to the rack here immediately you're pulled back into that dream yeah this shit is

thrown in your face yeah from south to north there's a human wearing stained yellow sheets as robes and you see he's got some sort of symbol emblazoned on his forehead. In the middle is very clearly a corpse of a partially eaten human in a white patient's gown. Oh, no. Lastly, to the north, is an emaciated-looking creature with graying skin stretched out over its sickly looking body sharp ears long fangs protruding out over its blood soaked mouth oh no what do you do um so yeah i think sheila's definitely taken aback by this. And he sort of slowly kind of works his way across the room, like closer to him.

Doesn't get within five feet, but like kind of moves up to the center. And getting as close as he dares, kind of inspects them all in turn and sees if there's anything. James is going to move up as well. Can I do a knowledge check on the symbol? I have an arcana. Mm-hmm. Okay. Oh, Natty, 20, 28.

Nice. It looks like a flame-shaped chalk mark, but it's nothing you recognize. It has the sort of feeling like some sort of cult symbol. Yeah, yeah. But it might be something that is germane to this area. Okay. Can I tell if any of them are conscious?

The person in the yellow seat, the yellow robes is conscious. And the gray looking creature is both conscious and eating the one in the middle. Oh no. So it's just like... You left that out. Yeah.

I was waiting for the right time to say it. That seems like a relatively important detail about the three figures. It's really into it. The relationship between those two creatures was not very well defined. It's a nourishing relationship. Oi, stop that eating for a moment.

Yeah. If you please. Oi, stop that eating for a moment. Yeah. If you please. Oi, stop that. It's really wrapped up in what it's doing, and it doesn't pay attention to you. You feel like you might be able to get its attention. I throw a rock at it. Oi, stop.

Bounces off its head, and it just keeps gnawing on the arm. All right. Keep going then, I suppose. And then I go over to the yellow stained robed figure. And like in that scene in Aliens under the reactor, I grab it by the hair and lift up its face. Before you even get close to it, it just lashes out at you.

Oh, no! But its hands are still manacled. Good. And it just says, Praise! Praise! Words fail! Words fail! Praise!

Sandalus seas! Sandalus seas! What? Who? Can I do a knowledge check on that name? Sure. Arcana? Yeah.

You can try Arcana. I'm going to do it as well. 14. 27. Not a name you're familiar with. 28. Oh. Still not a name you're familiar with.

It wasn't DC 28? No. Shit. It's not a reference to the Olivia Newton-John song and movie? Xanadu? Xanadu. Oh, that's the... OkayJohn song and movie? Xanadu? Xanadu. Oh, that's the... Okay, that's different.

Xanadu! Xanadu! Xanadu! No, yeah. Crazed look in his eyes. Desperation. Clearly not there-ish, but also, like, affected by something. Praise.

Praise. Words fail. Xanderluce sees. Calm down, mate. Who's this Xanderluce of which you speak? Just keeps repeating those three phrases over and over as if that's all it can say. Turn back, he's not really listening. Meanwhile, the other creature just keeps eating away at the middle one. And this one... Can't eat just one. Too far gone.

Too far gone, this one. Um... Let's kill it. Yes. There is a door to the south that I have not revealed on my wonderful app here. Tigwitz, put it out of its misery. Kill it. Well, no way. I mean, is it...

I mean, they're manacled. We could probably save it. Can I do a heal check to see if it is... Wait, I'm talking about the one that's eating the other corpse. No, well, that one, yeah. Fangs coming out of its mouth. I want to do a heal check to see if the creature in the middle is able to be saved,

or it's beyond being saved. Yeah, roll a heal check to see if the creature in the middle is able to be saved or it's beyond being saved. Yeah, roll a heal check. Three plus seven, ten. Well, it's being eaten. And it's not putting up a fight. Right. Not at all well. But you think it might have a chance.

You're telling me there's a chance. It's breathing. Can I see that? No, you're talking about the dead creature in the middle? Yeah, I want to deprive the... Oh, great giveaway. That was a dead giveaway. I'll attack the dead creature. Let's kill the thing.

Should we kill the thing? Yes, kill it. Here we go. So what do you do? You just walk up to it and stab? Straight up to it. And I roll a critical threat. 19 on the die.

Don't worry. Crits in this game don't really matter. I know. So you just walk up to this thing that has done nothing to you. And as far as you can tell, is an upstanding member of society. It's an enemy of the state. There's substantial evidence that it's not. Yes. Which you failed to disclose initially.

I just feel as if you should have parlayed with it. We tried. Maybe you would have learned. We tried. There's no proper system of law here. We are the law. But instead you walk up and you critical threat it. Roll to confirm.

Oh, no. This is the worst critical... All right. I think it's a great critical. Natural two. Pulled a Joe. Does not confirm. Oh, no. This is the worst critical. All right. I think it's a great critical. Natural two. Pulled a Joe. Does not confirm. Natural two.

Not confirmed. Roll damage. Oh, no. Four minimum. Four minimum. I don't know if this is good or bad. It's not good. Yeah.

Wait a second, Skid. It looks bad. I'm not good. Wait a second, Skid. It looks bad. I'm looking at him. You attack him. It turns and looks on you. And you can see this foam around its fangs. Turns

on you and goes to bite. And I'm assuming it's going to sink its teeth into you and infect you with some horrible, horrible disease. And we'll find out what happens in Dallas. Oh, no!

Thank you, everybody! That's it! Thank you, guys! We'll see you next time. Thank you. Outro Music