The Glass Cannon Podcast - Strange Aeons Episode 4 – Words Fail

Episode Date: May 26, 2022

They say everything's bigger and better in Texas and this absurd romp through drunken cosmic terror was no exception. The boys came to Dallas and took no prisoners as the heroes continued their search of this eerie asylum and the fellas continued their manic descent into cirrhosis. Join Troy Lavallee, Joe O'Brien, Skid Maher, Grant Berger and Matthew Capodicasa as they tour the country playing the Lovecraftian Horror Strange Aeons Pathfinder Adventure Path. Watch the video here: https://youtu.be/uDJfQb6avvY Recap 15:47 Gameplay 19:01 For more podcasts and livestreams, visit glasscannonnetwork.com and for exclusive content and benefits, subscribe today at patreon.com/glasscannon. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Chauncey was going to take me on a trip to the place he's from. From the producer of Megan, Five Nights at Freddy's and The Black Phone. Alice! Alice! Alice! Get out! Now. Many kids have imaginary friends. Ready or not. Just because you stop believing in them doesn't mean they're gone. Here he comes.

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Extras, taxes, and delivery additional. Expires April 8th. What is going on, Dallas? Dallas! Yes! Woo! Woo! Guys, just a quick note. This is really important.

If you're here for the Erykah Badu concert, just wait around a couple hours. This is really important. If you're here for the Erica Bidoux concert, just wait around a couple hours. She'll be out. Right? I have always wanted to do this since watching Pee Wee's Big Adventure a million times as a child. What?

Let's see if it works. Grant, help me out. The stars at night are big and bright. Deep in the heart of Texas. Yes! Yeah! It works! It works. It probably doesn't surprise you that Pee Wee Herman was a huge influence on me as a child.

Surprise, surprise. Yes, and like him, I also like to pleasure myself in the back of movie theaters. Not a surprise. I enjoy a good romantic comedy from time to time. Whatever gets you going. How about Canton Hall, huh? Isn't this beautiful? This place is insane.

It's gorgeous. Gorgeous. Now, Joe, I know that we're trying to cut all non-discretionary spending, but I want a video wall in our office by next week. Oh, at least. I don't think we can continue playing without that. Nope. We will not record another episode without a video wall. I mean, look at the bar.

The bar is great. It's gorgeous. Gorgeous. Hey, listen, don't be afraid, especially when other people are talking Besides me to go up to the bar get a cocktail We're a lot more entertaining After a couple of pops And show that Textbook glass cannon

Hospitality take care of your bar staff Back there I spent 15 years Behind the stick in NYC I know the life Anybody buy any good Morning Glip Glorp shirts? How about those? Yeah. Oh, he's got it right there, baby. Badass. What about the poster? Did anybody get the poster? We got a new poster. So true story. We were at the

Chicago show and afterwards, one of our friends handed us a poster that a fan had made for us as a gift, a girl by the name of Angeline, and I just fell in love with this poster. I'm like, I got to track this girl down. So I searched and searched and did some even more creepy searching, and then I found her, and I sent her an email. I'm like, you have to do these for every single one of our live shows. So we commissioned her to do four posters for the next four shows at least. Isn't it badass?

I love it. This is show number two of 2019, but I want to let you know, it's number one in our hearts. I mean that. He gets it. I feel like there's an 85% chance we're going to have fun tonight. That's really good odds. 60 to 85.

That's really good odds. High 50s. All right. What would be the deciding factor, you think? Well, it's really if I have fun tonight. Yes. You know? And the fellow sadists in the audience.

Where am I at? Where my sadists at? Woo! Yeah, sadists! Well, here's the audience. Where am I at? Where my sadists at? Woo! Yeah, sadists! Well, here's the thing. We've gone two shows now without killing a PC. And that really drags down

the energy. You gotta kill somebody once in a while. As most of you know, in our first session, first encounter, I killed Joe's garbage PC. Garbage.

And then last month in Chicago, we almost had a TBK. Almost had a TBK! But everybody's still alive. So I feel like, I feel like Dallas is a good place

to kill somebody, right? I'm going to channel my inner Lee Harvey Oswald tonight. And this is my book depository. Oh, is that too soon? Is that too soon?

We can reenact it. You guys can be the Secret Service agents. You get Kennedy's giant Irish head. And Matthew as Mrs. O'Lady can be Jackie O just picking up the chunks. Oh, jeez. The honors. P picking up the chunks. Oh, jeez. Picking up the chunks. Skid and I were there today. Yes, and Matthew,

who is pretty much by the book, you know, no-nonsense kind of guy, he was like, I went to the window and I don't know if he could have made that shot. Straight out of his mouth he called it unsettling it's very unsettling he was like

he was known to not be a marksman I was I don't know how he could do it I made that point Skid told me that I was sharing information that Skid had already shared I told him all the reasons

that it's that it couldn't have happened I might have to go tomorrow and check this out you should guys this is a very special night because Dallas' native son is back.

Grant Berger, everybody. Welcome to Berger Country. Grant, you have some family and friends in the audience tonight, don't you? I have some family and friends. I have my sister, Megan. I think my other sister, Elizabeth, is here. My brother-in-law, Dave. My father, Richard. And, of course, Glass Cannon Podcast's sister, Elizabeth, is here. My brother-in-law, Dave. My father, Richard. And of course,

Glass Cannon Podcast's famous Mary Burger is here. Mary Burger! She is right there. Let me tell you something. It feels goddamn good to be back in Texas, baby. I bet it is. You know, they say everything is

bigger and better in Texas, but you are living proof that that's only half true. Only half true. Oh, I love you, too. Grant, Grant, a Grant chant. Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant That has never happened at the office once. No. Never once. Never once. He's tried to start it himself a few times. A few times.

He's gotten up and done it. I think the one time I took out the recycling, you tried to start one, but no one else did. No, no. That's fair. You played high school football, right? Little Friday night lights? For the Highland Park Scots, sorry. Oh! Three times.

Hello, Scott. This is actually my first time in downtown Dallas. I never left the bubble. But it's really nice. It's not as dangerous as they told me it was going to be. But yeah, I'm no longer Park City's resident, though. What position did you play? Left tackle.

Left tackle. All right, let me ask you this. So I don't know anything about your high school football career, but I imagine, and correct me if I'm wrong, let's say the star QB got hurt on a big play, right? Really bad. Yeah. Because Grant missed his block.

Yeah, Grant missed his block. You know what? We won't even say that you're responsible, but he got really fucked up. Right. They brought out the team doctor, stretcher, ambulance, the whole nine yards. The whole Jason Street.

The whole Jason Street. The whole Jason Street. Let's say on that same play, you scraped your knee. Okay? I feel like, and again, I wasn't there. As they were pulling away the ambulance, you would stop the ambulance to ask for a Band-Aid while the quarterback was bleeding out in the back. It's always important to get in your healing when you can, Troy.

Which is smart. Matthew, how are you, buddy? You healthy this time around? I'm healthy this time around. Thank you. Thank you. Are you working on any new plays right now? All the time.

All the time. Let me ask you this. I think you told me this. I might be misremembering, but when you write a play, when you finish the first draft, you never go back and make any corrections or reread it, right?

Kind of. I generally don't read the first draft. I just start a new first draft. Oh, okay. So you do continue to work on it after the first play. You give it a reread, or you keep working on it, basically.

Always, yes. Why don't you do that with Pathfinder Spells? Or your work with this company that pays you? Sit on that. Answer me in Portland. I'm just asking for a friend. Skid, how are you, Skid? Yes, Luca.

I'm quite well. Yes, I like your hat. Really showing your local color. Thank you. That's Texas orange. Now, Skid, you are a collector of information, really showing your local color. Thank you. That's Texas orange. Yep. Now, Skid, you are a collector of information, trivia, both useless and not useless.

So I want you to give me, like, four facts about Dallas that sound like they'd all be true, but only one of them is true. Okay. All right. Let's see if we can guess. I prepared five.

We can cut one for time. Okay. Okay, so number one. Dallas, Texas was founded by John Neely Bryan on the banks of the Trinity River in 1841. That sounds true. Did not know that. And I want to try something. I've always wanted to do this.

That was good. It had the same letterman delay Perfectly timed Perfectly timed Or well-powered Vanitsky up here Dallas was named After Steve Dallas A character in

Burt Brethed's Popular comic strip Bloom County That also sounds like It could be true I'm going to say Too true Dallas hosted Its own talk show

In the late 1960s That ran 197 episodes And co-starred on the long running series Touched by an Angel From 1994 to 2003 It's too long to make up Yeah It's got to be true

That's Dallas Street Sorry I don't know how that got in there And then at this point It took so long to make up. Yeah. It's got to be true. Oh, sorry. That's Della Street. Della Street, yes. Sorry. I don't know how that got in there. And then at this point, I had a whole bit. I was going to do the Yellow Roads of Texas thing. Oh. But we don't really check in with each other before a show.

It's live, man. It's not going to work. And finally, I think we all know which city has the greatest Glass cannon fans in the world oh yes that's right it's grand rapids michigan but according to my research dallas is a very close second it's grand rapids michigan thank you skid thank you uh jo'Brien, you old gutter snake. How are you, buddy? I'm good, buddy. How are you?

I'm great. Yeah? How's your new job as a full-time owner slash employee? I hear your boss is a cool dude. Oh, he is the worst. No. That's not what I heard on Yelp. You know when you have one of those jobs where your boss shows up two hours after you get there And leaves three hours before you leave

That's not fair It's that kind of boss This is what you don't understand as a low level cubicle monkey I wake up in the morning And before I can rub the crust out of my eyes Or my crotch I'm already writing lines of dialogue. I'm creating storylines for 20

episodes ahead. I'm closing deals, emailing buyers and sellers before you've even shaken off your morning wood. How dare you? You literally came into the office and said, before we started recording, I need to start prepping tonight's episode two hours before the episode. You don't write one episode

in advance, ever. It's the creative process, Joe. I just work piecemeal throughout the day from sleep to wake. Regardless. You won't understand. But you know what? I think you're bringing up a good point. I think this is a good chance for me to do an employee review of you.

I have enough of a sample size, and I'll be honest. Let me bring this up here. I've looked at your work. All right, hit me with it. Let's be here. I've looked at your work. Hit me with it. Let's be honest. I've looked at your work over the past few weeks. Are we going to speak frankly here? Usually in these kind of things I speak and you just listen. That's usually how it works. That's right. That's really best as the employee-employer relationship.

Incorrect. I have looked at your work. I've read your daily reports. I have solicited feedback from some clients that you're working with closely. This is another problem. Troy, who's on hats?

The hats are on their way. Whose job is... This isn't my review. This isn't my review. That's right. You get reviewed by the nation! But aren't you someone that thrives on constructive criticism, don't you think? Yes.

All right, well then let me give it to you. I think it's important that you know this. Okay. That I'm not doing my job, if I don't tell you this. That nothing you ever do will be good enough for me or anyone that you love. Well, that's the only motivation you have to do more. That's how you're trained as an Irish Catholic.

Yeah. Whatever you're going to tell yourself. I think it's ever good enough. It makes you strive to work harder. You know what? Let's get down to real business. Oh, yeah.

The business of pretend. The business of sitting around with your best buds, maybe having a couple cocktails. Or if you're Matthew, half a white wine spritzer. They're delicious. I think it's cider. Half cider, half water. It's too strong otherwise.

And let's play some Pathfinder. Yeah. Let's do it. This is episode four. Live session four. Oh, Troy, I think we have some gifts up over here. Oh. Alright, well. Oh no. Please tell me

it's not Malort. What's the Dallas version of Malort? Tito's? It's brown. It looks like shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots. Sh looks like shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots. Shots, shots, shots. Wow.

Matthew? Or someone who's really dehydrated. Pass one down to Joe. Troy, don't. Troy, please. There's one for everyone. Oh, sorry. I spilled it a little.

All right, so. Wait, there's a note. There's a note. These shots will self-destruct in five minutes. Troy, they weren't selling meet-agreet, so this is my attempt at a pleasancy check. Diplomacy check. Diplomacy. Doug from Tyler.

Thank you, Doug. From Tyler, Texas. Cheers, guys. Cheers. What could go wrong? Let's have a great session. Cheers. Oh, God. What could go wrong? Let's have a great session. Cheers. Oh, God.

What was that? That was good. It was good. I'm ready to punch someone now. Let's get her down. This is going to get feisty. All right, we're going to jump into this. And by the end of the night, we're going to be eight hours into this book.

We're going to be eight hours into Strange Aeons, eight hours into this adventure path. And I feel like this is where we're going to really get to know these characters. We're going to get to figure out maybe a little bit more about the story and maybe learn a little bit more about ourselves in the process. Maybe. Maybe. Do you want me to psychoanalyze you, Troy? No, Matthew. I want you to do your job.

I was just going to say, is it common in employee reviews to, while your boss is reviewing you, to immediately point out your boss's shortcomings as they're telling you? I don't know. I keep cutting them off and be like, yeah, but you don't do this. It's my first employee review. It doesn't really go well. Let's take you back to the beginning. The four of you awoke from a living nightmare

to find yourselves locked in cages with no recollection of who you are, where you are, how you got there. You fought your way out by killing a doppelganger disguised as a doctor. Escape upstairs to a boiler room where you fought dire rats and a zoog and made a new friend.

Then you headed out to a hallway where voices called out to you from behind a barricade warning you to back off or they'll shoot. You bargained with them because it sounds like whoever these people are, they may know what's going on in this strange place, and perhaps have some sort of safety behind the barricade.

You want to get back there. They say if you come back with three fresh doppelganger corpses, they'll believe that you aren't doppelgangers yourself, and parlay with you. So you continue forward. You walk outside to a courtyard where the rain burns your skin. You check out a couple storage closets

that have giant centipedes in them. And you find a pile of bodies where an old woman is still alive, but her leg is basically dangling from her knee. You tell her to hold on, assuming that if you can find safety, maybe you can bring her back to safety as well. But you can't do that without the doppelganger corpses.

Tigwitz, played by Dr. Grant Berger, goes to examine another corpse in another rubble-choked hallway, and tiny hands and a diminutive head lash out at him as something writhes from within the body of the corpse. Meanwhile, the old woman with the fucked up leg attacks

from behind! She's a doppelganger as well. The battle on two fronts proves to be too much, and though you kill the doppelganger, you all end up unconscious. Some of you, unconscious and dying, and to eventually all stabilize, unconscious. And again, you're visited by these strange, foreboding dreams that seem to blur the line between sleeping and awake. You rest up one day, two days, sealing yourself against the power of these mad dreams

and move forward to find a room with three people chained to a wall. One is a man in dirty robes with a strange mark on his forehead who yells out, Praise! Praise! Words fail! Xanderlou sees! Xanderlou sees! The one in the middle is a corpse with half of its left arm missing. And the other one is a sickly-looking, grayish,

gaunt creature eating said corpse's arm. Tigwitz, again stealing himself, moves forward to put this sick creature out of its misery and lands a critical hit. Or so he thought. And does four points of damage.

I was scared. You were scared. Right in the heart, but you just like barely pierced his heart. Ah, my heart. My heart The hit doesn't kill So this creature Then lashes out at you With a foaming

Diseased mouth To bite ya Been waiting to resolve this bite Oh no Waiting for a month And I thought Should we roll initiative And resolve the bite

Or should we maybe Do a surprise I'm just gonna roll the bite 16 to hit That Is a miss. Oh! Tough. Damn it.

Roll for initiative. Let's just do it. Get it going, Skip. Roll, ricka, roll, ricka, roll, ricka, roll, ricka, roll for initiative! Thank you. Mrs. O'Lady is played by Matthew Gabinacasa. That's a 13. 13 from Mrs. O.

Tigwitz, Grant Berger. My initiative is old enough to smoke. It's 18. Whoa! But I've quit smoking for two months now, Troy. Yeah! You can do it. Grant Berger, everybody. It's also old enough to vote, and you stopped voting, Troy. Yeah! You can do it. Grant Berger, everybody. It's also old enough

to vote, and you stopped voting, too. Yeah, I stopped that. The last one was a real mess. James Ratfolk! Natural three to start the evening. That's a ten. I would say it can only get better

from here, but it won't. Get ready for that one! I hate my life. You're staying on brand, O'Brien. Yeah. What about Sheila as played by Skidmore? Sheila's got a strong 12. A strong 12.

Strong. As opposed to those weak 12s strong 12. A strong 12. A strong. As opposed to those weak 12s. No, the weak 12s are done. No more. I got a 19. Oh, shocker. So surprised. Let me get old neon green here.

The unsung hero. Shoylus. I'm going to try and bite your ass again. I almost rolled 2d20. You were aiming for my ass last time? Yep. Okay. It's the meatiest part of Tigwitz.

Oh! Natty 18. Oh, no. That sold me on green right there. Is that a hit, bro? That's a hit, bro. All right, buddy. I'm not your buddy, pal.

A couple of things are going to happen. Number one, you take three points of damage. Oh, that's not so bad. That's not your buddy, pal. A couple of things are going to happen. Number one, you take three points of damage. Oh, that's not so bad. That's not so bad. I'm sure that's all that's going to happen. Between friends, that's the first thing that happens. The second thing that happens, I can't find it.

And ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. Roll a fortitude save. Shit. Fifteen. Fifteen. Fifteen, eh?

You're all right. I'll save you the trouble. DC 15, you're not paralyzed. Oh. Paralyzed. Now I need you to roll one more save, and I really hope you fail this one. What type of save? It's going to be a fortitude save again.

What? Come on. Oh, 18. Damn it. Yeah. He's so good, Troy. He's so good. Why'd I bite him?

Are you surprised? Why don't you go back to killing Joe's stupid characters, Troy. He's so good. Why'd I bite him? Are you surprised? Why don't you go back to killing Joe's stupid characters, Troy? All right. Well, Tigwitz, it is your turn to act. You landed a critical hit on this strange, gaunt creature. Its hands are locked above its head, but it's been leaning over, just eating this dude's arm. In just absolute fear and self-preservation,

Tigwitz strikes out with his cold iron kukri and hopefully hits with a 16. That's a hit. Yeah, buddy. Yeah, buddy. Take him out. Max damage. Nine points of damage. Yeah. Yes. He is staggered.

Oh. Staggered, disabled. Zero hit points. Misses. Oh, lady. Zero hit points. Mrs. O'Lady, you see this guy. You see basically Tigwitz goes up, stabs it. Like, you think he hits a sweet spot, but doesn't do a lot of damage. It goes to bite Tigwitz twice, and then Tigwitz stabs again, and the thing is just kind of hanging there. What do you do? Mrs. O'Lady is going to cast Telekinetic Projectile and fling a rock at its head.

Oh, yeah. That's just rude. Natural one. That's a fan fumble. Well, it's a magic fan fumble. No, it's a ranged touch attack on the object. So you want to do a ranged fumble or a magic

fumble? Magic! Magic! Thanks a lot. Thank you. I've Magic. Magic. Magic. Thanks a lot. Thank you. I've listened to all your pleas. Yeah. I've taken it into great consideration. I'm going to go with magic fumble. Okay.

Go with a magic fumble! Wait. Wait. So we have the opportunity here to debut a brand new drop from Nick Lowe. What? I haven't even heard this. The monsters will rumble. The dice they will tumble.

And the fun will roll. That's good. It finishes now. Thank you, Nick Lowe. It gets the whole way through. It needed an ending. Now with an end. Yeah, now it actually gets to the end of the thing.

That makes it so much better. That is. Read it and weep, Joe. All right, this one is from Nick Maselli in Philadelphia. Boo! Sorry, Nick. Hey.

This one is called Unfocused Arcana. You are distracted at the last possible moment while unleashing your spell effect, causing you to wildly cast your spell at a random target instead of its intended target. Oh, no. Or random projectile hits a random target within 60 feet.

Target receives the effect of the intended spell at half potency. So I guess half damage or whatever it would normally do. And whatever. That's all you need to know with a rock. So do I determine who it hits? Oh, and you receive the shaking condition as a result of the

misfire. Will save to not be shaken. And you're permanently dead. And you're permanently dead. So we need to roll a random who gets hit. That sounds like a job for me. It sure does. How about an old D3? 1-2 Sheila. 3-4 Tigwitz. 5-6

O'Brien. Who wants to bet 5-6? Sheila. Oh, come on. What about the prisoners? What about the prisoners? So one point of damage to Sheila. One point? Oh.

I should have let Grant roll that damage. I rolled a 15 on the will save. Okay, so it's AC. He's all right. She's all right. All right, so not shaking. I'm all right. I'm shaken by this whole situation.

Let's take it to Sheila. Sheila, you just got hit in the face by a rock. I did. So, of course, I immediately turn around and attack Mrs. O'Lady. It only makes sense. She says, ow, there's no feeding tonight. Sorry. And I draw my kukri, and I run at the vampire creature,

and I wildly stab at it. Take this! So you step up and stab. Crack die. Oh, 90, 19! Oh! Yeah. For an adjusted 19.

That is a hit. All right. And that is... Oh, no. One die. Get him. Five points of damage! Whoa!

And it just fucking turns to dust. Yeah! Yeah. Well done. Well done. Well done. Dead zone. You kill this upstanding member of civilization

who had a wife and child back home. What was the child's name? His friends called him Pickles. But he was Robert by birth. His wife? No, his son. Oh, his son. Oh, okay.

Robert Pickles O'Malley. Robert Pickles O'Malley. Bobby Pickles? Bobby Pickles. Bobby Pickles. They loved him at the playground. Here comes Bobby Pickles. Hey, hey.

It's Bobby Pickles. Hey, Bobby Pickles. Hey, it's Bobby Pickles. Hey, Bobby Pickles over here. Hey, you still eat people? Get in here. You're all right. You're okay. Hey, did your dad get killed by four psychopaths in an asylum? Hey.

They always tease Bobby Pickles. I'm going to shake a milkman, all right? Hey. Poor Bobby Pickles. Fatherless and alone. All right, so you're in this room now You've killed this beautiful Gray creature that was eating someone's arm There's that dead creature

There's a corpse With half of its arm missing And then there's this weird dude Who's just screaming Praise, praise, words fail Zandalus sees Homespun robes Some sort of weird symbol on his forehead

What do you do? Is he still awake? He is, he is And he's just kind of like talking to you Like he was having a conversation with you But the words, those are the only words Praise, praise, Zandalus sees Zandalus sees

Words fail. He's talking very, very. It's so creepy. Conversational madness. Do we recognize the symbol at all? I tried to identify it. You tried to identify it. I rolled really well and I couldn't.

You rolled really well and you thought that it was something that is like maybe local. Right. A local situation. But yeah, you don't know. What do you guys want to do? Three bodies chained to the wall. Only one alive that you can tell. And I should point out, he doesn't seem angry.

He's not mad. He looks scared of the creature you just killed because I think he thought, like, he was next on the Eaton train. Once it finally finished chowing down on this corpse, he knew that he was next, but for some reason, the only words that can come out of his mouth are those three phrases. So what do you guys want to do?

What are we to do with this strange man? Seems like a reasonable fella. Let's just have a nice sit down and a conversation. Give it a shot, Sheila. Try to talk to him. Break him out of it. Hello. Sir.

Prez. Prez, yeah. Prez. right so what and I tried to identify the name that he what was the name Zandalus

Zandalus and apart from the Olivia Newton-John thing I had no idea what it was right right okay

so excuse me so sorry you seem a bit focused at the moment on something else, but I just wanted to know if you... Zandalus, would you like to elucidate what that name means to us now?

Puts up a hand like... Praise words fail, Zandalus. Seize praise words fail Xandala seize praise praise praise Fail words Xandala seize Would you agree that you are grateful that we saved your life? Xandala seize

Maybe we should take him with us and bind his hands Just in case. His hands are already binded. We could simply leave him here and move on. The creature that was going to eat him is dead. There's no need to worry about it. He shall soon starve, and he may be one like us. He's not going to starve in an hour. We could come back in an hour. We don't know how hungry he is. But who's going to guard him?

We don't know how hungry he is. But who's going to guard him? I guess that is true, Sheila. He could have been here without food for 20 days, and he's one hour away from starving to death. Please, if he was one hour away from starving to death, he would not be saying praise, praise, and such a... It does seem that's all he can say. Yes.

I feel that, though we do not know anything about ourselves, we must behave as if we are good. And we must care for this poor creature. Yeah, there's an interesting idea. Yeah, like that. Act good. Yeah. No.

Until we discover that we are evil, of course. No, no, like that. Act good. Yeah. No. Until we discover that we are evil, of course. No, no, of course. No, it's a bit radical, but I like it. It has a certain cumbersome and exhausting ring to it, but... I do think that... It does strike a chord, though. Right, it does, but I don't know who's possibly going to guard it and walk it around and watch it. You, Tigwitz?

No. Exactly. I around and watch it. You, Tigwitz? No. Exactly. I can't do it. You, madman, what are you going to do? Oh, I'll watch him. You'll watch him? Yeah. Did I just speak to you in your accent?

Yeah. I always do that. Yeah. James, he can blow things up. I need something to watch. I just finished Russian Doll. Got nothing left. I might as well watch him.

I hear Russian Doll is terrific. Oh, yeah, it's good. How did you log into your Netflix account if you don't know your name? It was the one thing I remembered. You're metagaming! That's where you call up your sister and ask her for hers.

That's right. Oh, wait, I don't know hers either. That's right. Mrs. Old Lady, I know it's been two days, but perhaps you have forgotten that we were fooled so completely by this woman who seemed such a victim and then turned out to be a doppelganger. What if we

unchain this thing and it suddenly turns on us? You're not a doppelganger, are you, my friend? No. I was talking to the creature, but I can't see Troy. All right, I'll lean back. You're not a doppelganger, are you, my friend?

Prez? Yes? Words fail. Sense motive. Words fail. That's a 17. I rolled a two on the bluff. Words fail.

Well, Mrs. O'Leary thinks we should take him with him. It would be inhumane to leave him here chained up. Yeah, I don't mind taking him with us. And I will watch him. Okay. If that is what the group decides, then Tigwitz, go ahead and unchain him. And James starts pulling away. Now listen, before we unchain you, just want to make sure you understand.

If you misbehave, we will be forced to kill you and leave your body here to rot. Do you agree to our terms? Fail. terms fail unchain him it's good it's good enough for me good enough for me and Tigwitz goes over to unchain but the whole time he's trying to talk everyone else out of doing he's like are you sure you don't want to take him back to the equally talkative Crossbow Jackson?

They're both so helpful. Oh, that Crossbow Jackson, yes. I'm sure he'll be completely understanding of his condition and let him behind the barricade. Just run down that hallway. Yeah, just run down that hallway talking. Yeah, exactly. Oh, he's going to ask him to kill six doppelgangers and bring him back. We'll let him back here.

I think you're all failing to recognize the role-playing possibility of listening to this guy talk to Crossbow. Oh, actually, yeah, that's true. Hey, it's his full-time job now. Put him to work. That's all you do, Matthew. You're welcome. That's where Good Morning Glyph Glorp came from. That is true. All right Matthew. You're welcome. That's where good morning glyphglorp came from. That is true.

All right, so you unlock him, you let him out, and he is extremely grateful. He goes to hug you, but he doesn't want to hurt you. Who's the one you undo? So he grabs you. Imagine you're like, ah! But he hugs you, and he's just like, ah! Words fail, words fail.

Praise, praise, endless ease, endless ease. Oh, this feels good. Antigua's kind of hugs him with his buckler and kukri on his back, ready to stab him if he has to. The best kind of hugs. Stabs the kukri in his back. It's been a long time, buddy. What about the corpse?

Oh, yeah, I would like to examine that corpse. Well, he wasn't eating the other one. Yeah, I mean, there's still a lot of good meat. A lot of good meat left. All right, so roll a perception check. Ooh, 23. 23. You're just kind of patting him down, searching him?

Being as thorough as I possibly can. Like at customs. I'll leave that one alone. You're kind of patting him down, you're searching him, and you feel something in his pocket. Or is he just happy to see me? You reach in and... Oh!

You pull out a handkerchief. Oh. And it feels like there's something... Sexy about it? What does it smell like, Troy? Sexy heck and shit. Smells like... I can't make that.

No, no, no. Cut the mic. Chase, cut the mic. As I forget, I'm not alone at home. So you pull it out and you feel something like hard inside of it. Wait, which pocket was this? The side pocket. Oh.

No, he was wearing cargo pants. He needed to die, though. You pull it out and you feel something hard in the handkerchief. What do you do? I gently unfold the handkerchief and see what hardness lies therein. You gently unfold the handkerchief and see what hardness lies therein. You gently unfold the handkerchief. It's very strange. And you keep unfolding it, and inside of it is a coin.

Oh. We are rich. As you open the coin, or I mean open the handkerchief to reveal the coin, an eyeball opens on the coin Or I mean open the handkerchief To reveal the coin An eyeball opens on the coin Oh god And looks at you What do you do?

Yeah It's like that anime Which one? The one Every anime No no the one that you and I both liked Berserk One Punch Man

Berserk Berserk Berserk Yes It's like Berserk Yeah like that I can't remember what that's called Yeah the thing with the eye open

What's it called? The Eye of the King Egg of the King Yes Right Yes it's like that Yeah you just pull this coin out And the coin just looks right at you

That's fucked up Do you do anything? I freak out. I, Skid freaks out but. Roll a reflex save. Okay. Uh That is a nine.

You drop the coin in terror. Woo hoo hoo. And the coin hits the ground and lands like on its side. Oh, that's so... Chills. It's Chills.

And then slowly starts to roll towards the wall. Oh, no. Completely flat floor. It just rolls towards the wall. What is this? James is going to run after it. Oh, it stops on its own. It stops, like, at the edge of the wall, still standing on its edge.

You run after it? Yeah, he starts moving after it, and when it stops, he'll stop and then slowly approach it. And it just blinks at you. Oh, that's so weird. It's kind of like, hey, I'm a coin.

Hello. Can Mrs. O'Lady would like to detect psychic significance? Please. I detect psychic significance? Please. I detect psychic significance. Yes, it is a real one. I was like waiting for your roll. Just a roll. Go for it.

You detect the presence of psychically significant items in your vicinity. Such items are those that might have significant psychic imprints or histories that can be read by the psychometry occult skill. Unlock. Okay. You don't detect any psychic significance. It's just a weird fucking coin. With an eyeball. James is going to slowly move toward it.

Okay. And if it continues to not move, he's going to go and grab it. Okay. Pick it up. Slowly reach down. Slowly reach down. Slowly reach down. Pick it up. Pick it up.

And it feels like a normal coin, even though it's defying the laws of gravity. You pick it up, and from time to time it just blinks and focuses on you. Can I do a knowledge check of some kind at Arcana, maybe? It's not going to matter? No. You could just say no. I never want to discourage you. Arcana or planes?

About a 20. 20 on Arcana. Good. That's a good roll. 22. It's a coin with an eyeball. That's all you know. You've never seen anything like this.

You think actually that it could probably fetch you some money for some collector of curiosities. Oh, yeah, the guy who collects all the coins with eyeballs? Right. Okay, he's down the hall, right? Just go on Craigslist. Okay. Coin with eye for sale. So the biggest point of this is that it has value to sell.

Could have value. Are there any other symbols like a mint or anything like that outside of the eyeball around the edges of the coin that we can look at? A mint? You know, like a mint symbol. Oh, yeah. No, no, no. It doesn't look like it's currency for... I mean, you don't know where here is. But it doesn't look like currency you've ever seen. But also your memories are all over the place.

What's on the other side of the eyeball? What's on the other side of the coin? Because coins have two sides. They do. That's a good question. Nestor. You turn the coin, and there's nothing on the other side. It's just blank?

Yep. It's a blank coin. It's a blank coin. Wow. James, maybe we should cover it up. Someone may be looking at us through the other side and watching us. I don't know. I don't detect any magical significance.

And Mrs. or Lady detect any psychic significance. It seems to just have... Can I roll a really quick appraise? Fudge. Who puts a point in appraise? I also did. Yeah. I'll do an 11.

Oh, 23. 23 appraise? Yeah. You feel do an 11. Oh, 23. 23 of praise? Yeah. You feel confident, especially because it's so weird if you traveled around to these markets that look for weird stuff like this. You could probably make 250 gold off of it. Oh. Wow. I guess the stranger significance, and going back to your knowledge, Arcana rolls a 20 and a 22, is like, yet again,

is a 20 and a 22, is like, yet again, you feel like this is another symbol of something that is slipped through into this place. Whatever this place... Woo! I love the phrase slipped through. Big slipping through fans outside. It's my favorite band. Like, something is happening here, and you don't know where here is,

but like there's a rip in reality, and things are slipping through that tear. And this coin is another example of something slipping through. Okay, all right. All right. Point made. I didn't say anything. Oh, I know. Okay, all right. Point made. I didn't say anything. Oh, I know. Praise, praise.

Sandalus sees. Sandalus sees. No, he'll look across at Sheila and be like, yes, this little curio may fetch us something special. And give me back the covering. Let's keep it. Walk it out of here and see if we can't get something for it. Yeah. Capt keep it. Walk it out of here and see if we can't get something for it. Yeah.

Capture it. Sheila gingerly places the handkerchief back over the coin and leaves it with James. And he'll pocket it. And you can just feel it kind of move. Oh, that's so fun. He leaves it there. Let me show you what it feels like.

Oh no, don't demonstrate at all. You really did. He did it there. Let me show you what it feels like. Oh, no. No. Don't demonstrate at all. No, no. You really. He did it. Oh, no. Don't do that. So that's what happens at the office all day? We need to talk to HR immediately.

Troy, yeah. Troy's a big fan of inner thigh chicken at work. I didn't mean to touch you there. We don't have an HR department yet. Not yet. No, we can't afford it. Sorry. I want to touch you there. We don't have an HR department yet. Not yet. No, we can't afford it. Sorry, I want to register a complaint. Yesterday, Troy slipped through right into my...

What'd I do? Guys, there is one door leading to the south. What are you going to do? Are you going to go through that door? Yeah, let's do it. Oh, my God. Oh, there's more shots oh my god you guys oh god is this how it's done in texas you mentioned the name of the state yeah i mean it's just surprising they want us to be... Is this more brown liquor? No, that doesn't look like it.

Red liquor? It's more cranberry juice. Oh, Matthew, you'll like this. It looks like rosé. This is from Caroline. There's a little heart next to her name. Caroline. It says, I'm here to see Grantee Panty.

That's Caroline, whose last name I misspelled in our high school yearbook for the TVR Club, and she's never let me live it down. And yes, my nickname in high school was Grantee Panties. Ha ha ha! Wow!

Let's see what you got That's amazing To Caroline, huh? Caroline Cheers Oh man That really slipped through my pocket Sweet Jesus, we have an hour left Why did we just drink? No, it's better That really slipped through my pocket. Sweet Jesus, we have an hour left.

Why did we just drink? No, it's better if we don't know. Caroline, what is it? It was, yeah, it's like a vodka-infused Slurpee. It was vodka. Caroline said, I don't fucking know. There's ice in it. I think it was a woo-woo. I've never had ice in it.

It was a woo-woo. It tasted like a woo-woo. I definitely chewed something. There's ice. Wait, wait, what is it, Caroline? The ice slipped through. Guys, what do you do? Do you go through the door or do we end this session early?

Tigwitz. What are we doing? Wait, I haven't finished my shot yet. Damn it, Skid. Drink your shot on your own time. Are we going to have a proper name for Tigwitz or not? Yeah, your name sucks. Your name is terrible.

It doesn't suck. It just doesn't make sense. The real acronym is Tigwittedink, which is too long. Oh, I like that. That's like my Yerfifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidifidif for him and you go to... Sheila, it's quite a mouthful. Do you have any other suggestions? No, I think you're right. And it's a bit confused and confusing. So I do have another name, I think, I've come up with.

Wow, I don't know what this is. Me neither. I think I'm going to call you Best Friend. You're the best friend that I've made since I've lost my memory. Harumph. I'm so sorry, Mrs. Old Lady. There's just an undeniable bond between us. Oh, wow.

Like a friendship bond. Not like a bond that slips through the cracks of reality into your pocket. You know? How could something so hard be so velvety smooth? Okay. Bobby, it for me to get in the way of that. Huh?

What are we talking? I've had too many shots. I don't know what that was. So Mrs. O'Lady, James, Sheila, and best friend. Oh, yes!

I love this name. I never had one. You... friend. Oh, yes. I love this name. I never had one. You. Oh. Oh. Oh, that's not true. It got real dark. Your family's here.

My family's here and my best friend Emma is here. She's my best woman at my wedding. Oh, nice. Yeah. Yeah. I would love that, my friend. Man, you hear that Texas accent? I want to be your best friend. I would love that, my friend. Man, you hear that Texas accent? I want to be your best friend.

We are here, man. Those are expensive lights. The four of you idiots, do you walk towards the door and open it? Yes. Okay. Best friend first. You know what's awesome? I can control best friend, so I'll put him right in the corner.

Joe does that all the time. He'll openly walk through it. When we're recording, Troy will be like, where are you guys in the battle? And he'll always put me 500 feet away from the party. Okay, so best friend is at the door, and he cowardly tries to open it, maybe with a stealth check. Yeah, go for it. All right. Minus four stealth.

You'll be fine. Oh. Twelve. Oh. Not bad. That's bad. You open the door. Cha-cha-cha-cha-cha.

Oh! Oh! Ah! Several wide tables and gigantic wash basins fill what looks like a sizable laundry room. Another laundry room? Another laundry room. Is it just a giant laundromat? Is it just a convenience store? Can he run into a laundry room?

That's the secret of Strange Island. Lovecraft at its finest. That is at the top of Strange I Am. It's like... I think the end... Lovecraft at its finest. That is at the top part of Lovecraft. The end of book six is like, it's extra to separate whites and colors. You finally know where that missing sock went. That's where they go. That's where they go, into a Lovecraftian heart.

Into a Lovecraftian pocket dimension. It costs extra in New York if you want to separate the whites. No one's trying to save the joke show. I just want to make sure people didn't take that the wrong way. Because I heard a couple people take it the wrong way. I'm talking about fucking laundry. Hey, Troy, Troy, I also have your performance review ready for me. Grant, please.

I just got in trouble. Yeah, another shot. Yeah, I'm going to pretend I just got in trouble. Yeah, another shot. Yeah, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. Let's wait on those. Skid, Skid, sit down. Skid, please. Please. It's Skid.

Keep on talking while he gets it. Just leave him there. Is there a note? We got to get the shots. I want to read the note. It's a note. At least get the note. Wait, you know what? Let's wait till we earn it, Skin. Wait till we earn it. Yeah, yeah. No,

I wanna get the note with the shots. We'll do it all as one thing. Also a beer? Guys, we have to do a show. You understand? I wish this happened on Broadway. It's just like, as people, it's just like,

that was a great first act. Here, here's a bunch of shots. Right, and like in the middle of Les Mis. Hey, John Valjean! John Valjean! Shots! You want some Jameson? Hey, Jeffrey Rush! You were so great in that fucking, that was great. Have a shot. Dude, you're never gonna take down Javert without

fireball. Shot! You guys are fucking nerds. Oh! Look at that. Look at that. I am warning you, Javert! All right, listen. I'm a strong man by far.

We're never going to get through this. I'm like, we're really powering through the plot today. We're really going to make progress tonight. It's all out of control. It's a laundry. It's a giant laundry. So what is that laundry? Is that piles of laundry? No, that's piles of bodies. Oh, that's worse.

Oh, but they are wearing dirty clothes. Okay, but there's no time to wash. Right. So it's a laundromat in East New York. It's a giant laundry. But what you really take away from it while walking in is it looks like it's meant to service

hundreds of people. Okay? But more recently, it looks like it's been Repurposed As like An operating room Oh no

Or like a failed surgery Why a failed surgery? Because one table Is heaped with remains Of like chunks of bodies While as you can see, corpses lie discarded in corners. To the south, there's a stained sheet

hanging between a basin and the wall. And there's a lantern shining on the other side that has sort of weird shadows behind it. Can you see the sheet? Yeah. Yeah, there it is. Oh, you guys can't see the sheet it. Can you see the sheet? Yeah. Yeah, there it is. Oh, you guys can't see the sheet? Now you can see the sheet. Let me really zoom in on it for you. There's the sheet.

This screen is so much better than my computer that I just want to like turn and watch this the entire time. It's bigger too. Right. We should just put the mics over here and do the show like this. Like the old Latin mass. That's a deep cut.

Okay. There are at least two, as far as you can see, six foot tall, ten foot diameter wash tubs standing in alcoves along the west wall with like two short folding ladders leaning near each. So you could climb up, wash some shit, and get out of there. Whatever the tables were being used for before has been cleared away, and it's now being used for, like, operating and dissection. And you've seen this before.

You saw this when you were in the cages, locked in. You saw that doctor performing weird surgery on that guy. You saw another pile of bodies that had a doppelganger in it when you started to go north. And there are just remains everywhere, butchered beyond any scientific inquiry.

Yeah, so I don't understand. Doesn't it just feel like torture? But is there something about it that is methodical? Yeah. Okay. It's not torture. Torture you would understand. Oh, nice.

That's good. I just changed my name. The heart's a nice touch. Thank you. Granty Panties. That's nice, Grant. I'm really upset at Caroline. Way to go, Granty Panties.

You see at least what you can make out of the sludge that was once people. You can see like four or five human corpses and maybe one or two doppelgangers, but they're both loaded with crossbow bolt hoes. And those all sprawl towards the east of the door that Best Friend just opened. The dumb name. That's the best name of all. What do you do? Best Friend will approach the body

closest to the northernmost wall and look through it, kind of poking it up with his kukri. If it seems dead, I'll do a quick heal check to make sure I'm not hurting anything that's living. Yeah, my heal check was a 23. You just extra kill someone that's already dead. You name it, so it has to have a closed casket funeral.

So I look through its body. James, this is old lady Sheila. Come. I'll look first, but I need your expertise. And he kind of goes through the body. James, James, this is old lady Sheila. Come. I'll look first, but I need your expertise. And he kind of goes through the body. So you're just going through that particular body? Yes, the northernmost one. Hold the perception check.

Okay, not bad. Fifteen. You don't really find anything. Tracks in every direction. I'm sorry? No. Tracks in every direction. I'm sorry? No. Tracks in every direction. Yeah. There's treasure in every direction. There's nothing. There's nothing.

There's like you're searching through the body, and you don't know if it's been picked through already. It has the feeling of it's being discarded. Like whoever was operating or dissecting these people found out what they wanted to know or didn't find out and said, no, I need to try again. Do I get a sense that these would be headed to that corpse chute we found where all those people would be dumped earlier in the dungeon? Maybe. Maybe not.

Maybe not? Okay. So I'm going to check out the next corpse and see if there's anything there. Okay, roll a perception. Okay. Oh, not good. Nine. Nine. Yeah, I mean, it's not like you feel like this is a

dead end, but it's getting gross. Is there anything in common? Are you talking to Grant, Joe? It's getting gross and you're not really discovering anything. Did you have something you wanted to say? Praise. Praise. Praise, praise. Is there anything

in common with the bodies where we found the other doppelganger? Are there orderly uniforms? Are they wearing white uniforms and stuff like that? I'd say the biggest thing in common is that they're all butchered and dead. They're all butchered and dead.

Got it. And you get that right away. You're like, I see a link between these dead bodies and the other dead bodies. It's just surprising to me that you think that there wouldn't be some clue as to who these people were. Like, are they inmates? Are they not inmates?

Yeah, but when there's people off the street? Are they wearing Iron Maiden t-shirts? Any clue like who they were? Did you prep this part? Yeah. Are they wearing Iron Maiden t-shirts? Any clue like who they were? Are they? Did you prep this part? Yeah. Okay. They're butchers, dude! But it doesn't say anything in the book like who they were.

Right, no. You look for a license? Yeah. I want to find a wallet. Just a copper pot. You look for the license and it says James the Rat Folk. We'll see you next week. Can we examine the sheet that you drew our attention to? Oh, see, that's where it gets messed up.

Excellent question. You cannot. All right. Moving on. I just spilled beer on myself. Yeah, you want to examine that sheet? Would you like to come with me to examine that sheet? Do me a favor.

Really move yourselves on the map. Because you guys have a habit of like, I want to go over there. And over there is like 60 feet away. But you never move your characters. You're just like, I want to go over there. And I'm like, cool. It's called plausible deniability. I know what it's called.

So, Mrs. O'Lady, walk up to that sheet. Okay. I shall do this. And roll a perception check. 23. 24, there are traps.

Oh. What are you, a rogue? I'm an investigator. It is the infamous sheet trap. 23. 24, there are traps. Oh. What are you, a rogue? That sheet. I'm an investigator. It is the infamous sheet trap. It's a ghost. A ghost. It's from Ultimate Magic.

No, you go up, and as you walk up to look, you're about five feet away from it. You see a shadow start to appear on the other side. I told you, there's a lantern shining that looks like there could be a puppet show on the other side. And you see, as you start to walk towards it, a shadow emerges. And obviously it's elongated in the light. And so it's very, very creepy. But you see that extra long head.

Oh, no. And like weird long limbs. Oh, it's like fire in the sky. Of a doppelganger. Oh, don't even start. No one bring up that movie ever again. What movie? Shut up.

Shut up. No, I want to hear about this. What movie? Fire in the Sky. Don't talk about it. If I had to make a t-shirt of my fears. That would be number one. That would be number one on mine.

True Stories of Alien Abduction is right at the top. Yep. Long arms. Long head. Big head. And you're like, I've seen this now twice, and you only need one more doppelganger corpse. What do you do, Mrs. O? So let me just make sure I got this straight.

The sheet is hanging up on the wall. Yep. And I see a shadow as if something were behind it, and the light from the room is allowing me to see shapes through the sheet. Yes. And I see the long limbs of a doppelganger. Yes. I stab it.

You stab through the sheet? Yeah. Like Hamlet. Yeah. Oh, no, Laertes! Ah! Oh, no, it's not. It's Plotius. Pl stab it. You stab through the seat? Yeah. The seat. Like Hamlet. Yeah. Oh, no. The Archies. Ah. Oh, no.

It's not. It's Claudius. Claudius. Claudius. Claudius, yes. You idiot. I was in that show. Who were you?

I was Horatio. Of course. You would be a great Horatio. Yeah. I was the only one. I survived. I was the only one that lived at the end. That's why I said that.

Spoiler. Spoiler. Sorry. I'm sorry. It's only one that lived at the end. That's why I said that. Spoiler. Spoiler alert. Sorry. I'm sorry. It's only been 900 years. Like, I'm sorry. Can I stab it?

Yes. Like Polonius behind the aris. Exactly. Oh, yeah. See? Columbia. A rat. A rat. Go ahead.

Roll to hit. That's a 12. You stab through the sheet. The sheet falls. Not the sheet. Is it a big fan of the sheet out there? What's your weapon again? I'm really concerned about the fate of the sheet.

Big sheet fan. No, the sheet was my favorite character. No, I love that sheet. That should be our next t-shirt, Troy. You stab the sheet, and you're... What kind of weapon are you using? Sword cane. Sword cane.

So, like, you stab straight through it, and you're just... It's, like, dangling on your sword cane. There's nothing there. And it comes down, and you see a couple things. Let's... Oh, God.

Let's take to the map. Oh, no. Is this, like, a Home Alone situation? Somebody set up a doppelganger behind the sheet. Oh, I've been drawing a cocktail. They've tied it to a record player. Keep the shade, you filthy animal. Oh, wow.

Keep the shade, you filthy animal. You see a couple things. You see a dead woman lying on a table, and another one of those weird grayish gaunt creatures just lying in a tub to the south, its arms dangling over and its head barely above the water of this wash tub. What do you do? But I don't see a doppelganger.

You don't? There's no explanation for the little illusion that we saw of the shadow walking. There is not. Okay. I call the others forward to come with me. What do you say? Um, something weird just

happened. Might you come join me? Uh, yeah, James will walk up. Can I do it? Can I do it? I was like, we are all going to go together. Everybody was going to go to a jog. Tie my shoes. I want to

take a break. Um, yeah. Look at the dead lady. James will walk up to Mrs. O'Lady. This looks amazing, by the way. I know. I can't stop looking at it. It's drawing my... Man.

We should do all of our shows at Canton Hall. Yeah. This is great. Everything in Texas, baby. All right, we'll take the shot Yeah! Take that, Erykah Badu I can't wait for the YouTube reviews It was good, but it started to get weak towards the end

It was almost like they were wasted We gotta do the George Clooney thing Where we just toss the shot over our shoulders. No, no, no. This is good. This is a nice light champagne. Where's the note skid? Alright, tell me what you're doing, James, while we're...

Half the show can't be... Can I just say, James is as a... I mean, he's an illusionist. Like, his whole thing is like making you see something that's not there. Could he roll like a knowledge arcana or something that like what could make you see something that's not there? How about a spell

craft? Could it be a spell? Yeah okay. Come on please. Joe just roll well. Please. Please. Please. Okay. That's a middling roll which is so happy for me. 21. All right, Joe. No, no.

No! It was DC 22. All right, DC 21. Sweet. That's pretty good. Two things. And it pains me to say this. Yes!

I love it when he's in pain. He's not the only sadist at the table. One. You know an illusion when you see one. Yes. And two. It's a trick of the trade. If anybody needs it,

you do. Might be the first one on this tour. Bottle cap. Oh! Oh! Wow. I'm going to need this shot now. Oh, baby!

I'm going to need this shot now Oh baby So now this shot comes with a little caveat here Because it looks delicious But the person who sent it Said Troy from one dick to another I appreciate that Colin wants me to sign his 5E dungeon master. Oh, my God.

That's amazing. That's pretty good. I think this voids a couple of our contracts. Oh, we're in very serious legal trouble now. Right. I have to blur this out when I edit the video. I know. Just holding it up exposes us to all manner of legal jeopardy.

Right, I should probably put this down. Put what down, Troy? Put what down? We can just cut around it. To Colin. And your poor choice of games. I spilled that all over my face. I'm going to use the note napkin to write.

This is getting out of control. It's an illusion. You got got your bottle cap what do you do Troy did you get a little liquid on yourself I got it all over me it really is it's all over your shirt I feel like I'm in a dentist's office yeah someone just said to clean it up with the book pop it up with the good GM's guy

there you go Alright, so he'll bring this to Mrs. O'Lady's attention Okay Yes, I also thought it was a doppelganger But we've been the victim of some illusion Someone is manipulating us What's the source? What is the source?

It must be some sort of caster nearby A magician of some kind But why? Why draw us in here? What is the source? There must be some sort of caster nearby, a magician of some kind. But why? Why draw us in here? Perhaps crossing this barrier is exactly what they want us to do. But we must go, must we not? You first. Best friend?

You're so good at going in first. This is how you treat your best friends? No, it's just that you're so good at going in first. This is how you treat your best friends? No, it's just that you're so good at it. It was very specific that we were not the best friend here. All right. Could I identify? Do you want me to do any other role? Could I identify a specific spell? Like a silent image or I don't know any other spell that it could be besides that at the moment.

You know it's an illusion. You know it's an illusion. You know it's an illusion. You know it's an illusion. Somebody cast it. Cast by someone. Yeah. Yeah. And, like, you know that spell.

Yeah. So a quick perception on both of the bodies that are in here just to see if anyone seems to be faking. Or would that be a sense motive maybe? Faking unconsciousness? Are you walking up to them? Let me just remove this sheet. Let's really open this space up. All right, so yeah, you know what?

I'll just say to everybody, everyone, be on your guard. There is a cast nearby. Someone is trying to fool us into not coming in here. He's got his loaded crossbow, and yeah, he'll slowly walk up very, very stupidly. Sheila, by the way, is on the map still in the other room. I'm escorting the crazy guy. Oh, that's right. You're with Praise Praise.

I should make him an active. What's his name, Sheila? Praise Shields. Praise Shields? Yeah. Praise Shields? I get it. Ah. It's funny.

I'm like four shots in. I am out of good names. You know, we could change it in Portland. Raise shields. Like, come on to data. Raise shields. I'm going to cast, feeling some danger here, I'm going to cast Mage Armor on myself. Okay.

As if that'll help. And then I will walk up to more closely examine these two bodies. All right, which one do you want to look at first? The body on the table. Okay. Again, loaded crossbow. He's just kind of like getting close to it, seeing if he can see breathing. That's what he's looking for first.

Roll a perception check. Oh, God, seeing if he can see breathing. That's what he's looking for first. Roll a perception check. Oh, God, it's so bad. Twelve. Twelve, eh? So you walk up. To your right is this dead woman. To your left is this dead creature. That's wrong.

That's opposite. That's the Troy-centric version. That's the Troy method. All that matters is how I see things. And you roll a perception check and you touch her or you're just kind of like... First, I'm looking for breathing. Okay. Any breathing. So you're looking for breathing

and you're just looking. And she jumps up. Are you kidding? You're not kidding. And groans. Oh! She's clutching her chest. And she jumps up. Are you kidding? You're not kidding. And groans. Oh! Oh. Gosh, she's clutching her chest. Who are you? He's got the crossbow trained on her.

She looks like she can barely breathe. Take it easy. Calm down. Stay calm. My name is James. What is your name? My name is Isa. What is your name? My name is Isa. Isa Weeds.

Isa Weeds. I was the patient here being treated for simple anxiety. That went wrong. It's never been higher. You just get a pill and then you leave. You're way more relaxed now. Weren't you suspicious when they said, we need to dissect you?

This is olden times. It wasn't that simple. It's pre-Freudian. It's pre-Freudian. It's pre-Freudian. It took months of being here. Faceless. Yeah, being here. Faceless. Yeah, leeches.

Faceless monsters dragged me from my room, and I'm here. I think I'm next. Please. Okay. Can you help me? Can you heal me? Please, stay calm. Stay calm.

Mrs. O'Lady is going to step up and point her sword cane at her and say, Please release him. Move your pawn, Matthew. I will do so. Thank you. Thank you, grantee panties. Please understand we mean no disrespect and don't mean to demean your experience, but we have been here before

and it's burnt us in the ass. What? Release him. Release who? Wasn't she holding James? Yes. Ah, sorry. And once he gets away from her,

he's going to cast Detect Magic on her just to see if she, because he knows there's a caster in here somewhere. He's going to see if she's emanating any magic, any aura of magic. So you detect magic, and you go through the whole somatic shield. Yeah, he's like, oh, be careful. I'm going to detect if there is something, if they have cast something on you that is hurting you in some way.

You detect magic in the room. But the auras are not on her. The auras are not centered on her, per se. Oh. So I guess I'd shoot the crossbow in her neck. You detect magic, and you do detect great magic about. And as you do that, the gray creature in the tub just kind of like lifts its head up

and says, she's not real. Oh, no, no, no, no! And she just A lot of issues Been resolved tonight It's our own little therapy session We should talk about this

And you turn your head to look At this grey creature And you're like what And you turn back to look at her And she's just like Oh no Roll for initiative creature. And you're like, what? And you turn back to look at her, and she's just like... Oh, no! Roll for initiative!

Roll Rick a roll! Roll for initiative! Booyah! Oh, baby! Alright, come on, come on. Come on! Roll Rick a roll! Roll Rick a roll!

Roll for initiative! Really? Got a good one, guys. We are having... Yeah, it's a six! No, no. All right. Talk to me about Anish Tigwitz.

Best friend. That's not his name. Excuse me. Best friend. Five. Five. Mrs. Our Lady. Twelve.

Twelve. Strong twelve. Twelve the hard way? Twelve the hard way. Twelve the hard way. They put all my money on twelve the hard way. Hey, Sheila, what do you got? A thirteen.

A thirteen for Sheila. James. Twenty-two. Whoa! A 13. A 13 for Sheila. James. 22. Whoa! Joseph Patrick! I'm so happy. I accidentally made your initiative 222. I'll take it.

Because I know you rolled a 23. You know when you get an initiative 222? When you play 5E. Garbage. All right. We'll still sign your book. James, you are up. All right.

He's just, geez, I mean, yeah, he's just going to get out of there. So he's going to back up. Yeah, I mean, you have the jump on this creature. Yeah, but I mean full withdrawal. Well, no, that's a this creature. Yeah, but I mean full withdraw. Well, no, that's a good plan. He's not going to full withdraw. He's just going to back away because he can't shoot his crossbow. He can't provoke.

Remember, he can't shoot his crossbow at her. What can you do, Joe? What can you do? What he can do is attempt to blind it. So he's going to step. I don't like that. He's going to get back. Get back.

Yeah, about 15 feet. Get back. And he's going to cast a blinding ray on the creature. I don't know if it'll work. Probably not. Let's see. It's a ranged touch attack. Okay, don't need your life story.

That is a 12 against touch AC. 12 against touch. That's really good. Yeah. Against touch AC. Is it? Not against this creature. Oh, no.

Not against this particular creature. It wouldn't have done anything anyway. Would have dazzled it for half a round. Right. It's the creature's turn. The have dazzled it for half a round. Right. It's the creature's turn. The creature, we'll call it, obviously. We're in Doppelganger Town. This creature sits up from the table, free action,

and stares at one of you. Oh, which one of us? Well, you know what? I was going to do a D4, but I think a D6 is better because Mrs. O'Lady and James should get a higher probability of getting this. So one, two, James.

Three, four, Mrs. O'Lady. Five for best friend. What is it? Six for Sheila. What about Ray Shields? Ah. Not included. And not in the line of sight.

Did not expect this. In his hometown. Oh. Best friend. You know what's actually so bad? We really need best friend to be of his wits. Yeah. Well, he ain't going to be.

Because, you know, all I'm going to tell you is that she just sits up and looks right at you. And something in her gaze is so awful. To start, you take a minus two to all your will saves. No save against this. No resistance against this. You take a permanent minus two to your will saves as long as she is alive. Your thoughts, Grant. Tell us what's going through Best Friend's head.

Well, Best Friend is obviously very susceptible to fear and is scared about it. Grant is okay with it because it's my best save, you asshole. Okay. It's always good to taunt the GM. That's right. That was a swift action.

She will then move action, stand up, get off the table, and it looks like Mrs. Old Lady is the one that's getting a little action to the face. She's got a dagger in her hand. And I guess she stabbed you in the face. 23?

Yep. Are you sure? I'm sure. Okay. Stabs you with a dagger for max damage. Eight points of damage. So imagine how this all goes down. James is like, let me go look.

Let me look. She's like, my name is Isaac Weitz. Mr. O'Lady is like, let me come check. And then she just comes up and stabs Mrs. O'Lady. And it is Sheila's turn. Sheila is going to quickly, like, he sees what's happening here. And he's like, stop attacking my best friend. And another friend that is close behind that best friend.

Very, also very dear to me. And he's going to whip out his little bomb kit, like, spin in it and, like, shake it and throw it in the square right to, right behind and to her right. Like on the table, basically. Onto the table, yeah. Trying to hit that table. AC-5, you got this. Yeah, and he her right. Like on the table basically. On to the table, yeah. Trying to hit that table. AC5, you got this. Yeah. And he hits it. Okay. And so she takes five points of damage.

Awesome. Pending a DC 15 reflex save. DC 15 reflex save. Natty 15. Ooh. Okay. So what's the total damage? So that's two damage. Oh, man. You're's the total damage? So that's two damage. Oh, man.

You're going to have to do better than that. Yeah. Going to have to. It is. Do you want to move it all? No. Sheila's going to stand where he stands. Sheila will stand his ground.

Mrs. O'Lady. Mrs. O'Lady will full withdraw. Smart. What do you have for hit points? Two. You'll be fine. You're fine. As best friend, you see Mrs. O'Lady cowardly run away

crying, urinating along the way. What do you do, best friend? Best friend wants to do the same thing, but best friend will take a five-foot step and swing at this awful creature. Let's see what happens. That's what best friend...

Natural 20! Yeah! Critical threat, critical threat, critical, critical, critical threat! Yeah! Come on! Critical threat, critical threat, critical, critical, critical threat. It's not the WWE. I don't know why I stood up. Every time.

Every time. Best friend role to confirm you're in your hometown. Oh, it's not a good, it's an eight. Just lie. Oh, I can't lie. That's Troy Aikman's lie. I can't lie. That's Troy Aikman's number. You can't lie in your hometown. Is that a rule? But exploding dice, I believe.

I'll allow it. Let's see what happens. Do it. Seven points of damage, though. Hey, you know what? That's more than Matthew did. Seven points of damage Troy, I thought we bonded this weekend

We took the flight together We talked about Quantum Leap together last night You guys spent a lot of time We had a rousing conversation about Quantum Leap Yeah That's a good point That's a good point He's a man on an island

Don't bond with me, I'll break your heart He'll break your heart. I'll break your heart, kid. Whose turn is it now? What game are we playing? It is... Praise Shields. It is James' turn. James' turn.

Praise Shields' turn. All right, getting his wits about him, James is going to move past best friend around... Past best friend....around the back of the table. Okay about him, James is going to move past best friend around the back of the table. Ooh, James. Turning towards this creature. Yeah. He's going to

hold back the crossbow and this amulet that is hanging around his neck with all these strange symbols emblazoned around it. It begins to glow and then out of this amulet fires a brilliant blaze of colorful light. Come on. As color spreads. Oh, yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Shoots out at this creature. First level wizard's best friend. First level wizard's best friend, and it will save, sir. I'll roll it in front of the table. Yeah. I think we're all friends here. Yeah. By the friend, and it will save, sir. I'll roll it in front of the table. Yeah. I think we're all friends here.

Yeah. By the way, I just moved my dice tray, and it's on a 20. Yes, I saw. Just went boop, boop, boop, 20. Okay. We'll save, eh? Come on. Come on.

Come on, buddy. Come on. Come on. Fail it. Natural two. Oh. Yes. That's going to be an 11.

Oh, awesome. Is he two HD or less or three or four HD? Shut up. She. She, I'm sorry. I think three. Oh, okay. No big deal.

You're just blinded and stunned for one D4 round. Yeah! That's right, buddy. You're all right, LaRusso. Roll a D4. Yes, I will. No, of course. That's why I wasn't too worried.

You knew it was going to be chicken and cheese. What's going on? Get ready for that one. You knew it was going to be chicken and cheese. Shut up. No, it is, though. Blinded and stunned for one round. And then stunned for a round. Okay. So you're out of it for two rounds.

All right. So I'm going to add those conditions. Let's talk about blind. I mean, we all know what blinded does But stunned is just like Stunned is you can take no actions But you take no penalty to your AC Drops everything held That's not true Joe

It's a minus two penalty to AC And loses its dexterity bonus to AC A stunned creature drops everything held There goes that Spoiler alert magical dagger Oh I did detect magic Can't take actions There goes that, spoiler alert, magical dagger. Oh! Oh! I did detect magic.

Can't take actions. Takes a minus two penalty to AC and loses Dex. Bonus AC. Gross. And what am I blinded? Yep. Great. Yes!

This creature, by the way, represents a first on the Glass Cannon Network. We have never had this class, and I had to learn this class. It's a mesmerist. Oh! Security, escort that gentleman out. I specifically said, no spoilers! You don't get a bottle cap. You get thrown out of the show. Unless you're wearing a good morning glib-glorb shirt.

Available for sale now at the merch stand. Well, it's her turn. And she just like, drops the magical dagger. Oh, awesome! Stands there. It's like, I can't see. I can't see. It is Sheila's turn.

She is just like, so you can't see, can you? Well, I hope you can see this. And he runs up and stabs her. Actually, you can charge if you want. Sheila charges. Okay, lowering your AC, increasing your to hit.

So the total to hit is five. Which I can only assume is a critical threat. Again, this isn't 5E Right Oh That is a gross miss

Yeah And you should be ashamed Of your shelf Yeah that was bad Your shelf Not only that That shelf of yours Is gross

You should be ashamed Of your shelf For having Fifth edition on it Mrs. O'Lady It's your turn This is what I want Out of you Matthew

What do you want I want you to wow us Really wow us with something. But do it by the rules of the game that we play. That was uncalled for. That really was. It was a deep cut. You know it's a rough crowd when they're shitting on Matthew.

I know. Matthew's... These lights are expensive. Matthew's just sipping at that shot. I'm going to cast telekinetic projectile. Oh. Classic. And that is a 12 to hit.

Against? Touch AC. Wait, is it? Read it. Touch attack. Okay. And minus two to touch AC. It's a ranged attack.

It's a ranged attack. So regular AC and minus two. All right, give me an hour and a half for my iPad to start working. No dex bonus to AC. So it is a touch attack. No, just a range. Regular ranged attack. Just a regular ranged.

Regular ranged. So just AC. Is this against AC? No, it's AC minus two. What was it to hit? Twelve. Minus six. Why did it stand? Makes it a 13.

Oh, man. I wanted you to wow me. Yeah, well. And you failed. You have failed. Word spill. Praise, praise. Praise, praise. Then who sees? Best friend, you're up in front of your hometown

Oh Mavs fans for life Come on Steps away from Commerce Street I want to go around I want to go around and flank this creature But I don't want to incur an attack from the weird Ghoulish creature

In the pool Best friend would not. Best friend would just stand and fight the threat in front of him. Right. So, we'll attack right now. Twelve. With stunned. Twelve with stunned and

blinded. Still AC 13. I'm so sorry. You just said that. You know, this is good, though, Grant, because, like because we're used to you disappointing us, but now you got to disappoint your family and friends. Oh, man. You know what? It makes it more special.

Hold on. On Grant's behalf, I want to unveil a shirt, a T-shirt that someone gave me in Chicago. Take it off. It's not even for me. Take it off. It's for Grant and his family. Hold on one second. I paid him $100 for this. Skid's even for me. Take it off. It's for Grant and his family. Hold on one second. I paid him $100 for this.

Skid's been doing push-ups all day. Let me see it. Just rip it off. Rip it off. F-U. Troy F.U. Troy F.U. Troy F.U. Troy

That's just rude That's what it is So much for southern hospitality This ain't the South. This is Texas. Do they have to reinforce? This is Texas. Bless your heart, sweetie.

Guys, it's a new round. It's a new day. It's James's turn. James is going to... Now, is this table something he could run under as a small creature? Are you small? Yeah. Could he scuttle under it?

How about an acrobatics check? Half speed. Because you're going to crouch. And if it fails, he can't move under it? If it fails, you're permanently dead. I don't have the book on me, but I think that's the rule. I think that's the rule. I think that's the rule. All right.

All right. Let's give it a shot. Oh, 18. 18. 18 acrobatics. You can move half speed, yes. Okay, so he moves under it 10 feet, and then he would like to grab the dagger. Oh, wow.

The magical dagger, which should be right at her feet. Would that provoke? She's stunned. Stunned? Oh, because she's stunned until the end of your turn. No, she's stunned for two rounds. Oh, I thought she was only stunned for one. Blinded and stunned for one, and stunned for another one after that.

You win this round, O'Brien. Yeah! You grab the magical dagger! I love winning rounds. All right, I'll take the magical dagger. And love winning rounds. All right. I'll take the magical dagger. And that's it. That's his round.

Simplating. He's going to have to get out of there quick. It's her turn. And so this is the second round of her being stunned but not blinded. Correct. So now she can see death coming but can't do anything about it. She's just like, bold words.

Well, I mean, you got best friend. Bold words from a guy who lost his character in the first session. I'll thank you to shut up. You're not good at this game. Alright, it's her turn. She just like,

ah, ah. it's her turn. She just like ah, ah. It's very stunned. She's very stunned. It's Sheila's turn. Sheila. Sheila saw, so she Sheila's flanking recognizing that this person has regained their sight, but they haven't

regained their senses as Sheila stabs wildly again. Now, daddy 13 for a 13. That's a hit. That is a hit. Yeah!

Maximum damage. Six points of damage. Yeah! Sheila. Sheila. Sheila. Sheila. Sheila. Sheila Sheila Sheila Sheila Mrs. Oh

Take off that shirt Mrs. Oh lady Would you like to contribute To this encounter Slash live show Yeah Oh

Brutal stuff You know the internet Is forever Troy Troy This is a show And history will reflect You're just being A little mean

You know what I love you Matthew Thanks Troy Troy, history will reflect. You're just being a little mean. You know what? I love you, Matthew. Thanks, Troy. Troy, could you give me a second? We only roast the ones we love. I need a second to zoom the map out far enough to show where Mrs. O'Lady is on the screen. Yeah, can you even go that far? I feel like she's in a room we haven't even revealed yet.

Hey, there she is. Right there. There she is. Beautiful. Luckily, I'm 30 feet away, so please roll a will save. Oh, snap. All right, old lady. All right, old lady.

All right. You got me this time, old lady. Shit on a box. 15. That passes. time, old lady. Shit on a box. 15. That passes. Oh, come on. So you take one point of damage from Mind Thrust. You got me.

I helped. Is that your catchphrase? And I helped. And I helped. I love it. All right. Awesome as usual. And then we move to Best Friend. All right. Awesome as usual. And then we move to best friend.

All right. Let's finish the fight. Come on, Gallus. Do it. You got to believe. Ah, crap out of the box. 18 on the die. That's a hit.

For six points of damage. Six points of damage, huh? Joe was like, done. Done. Not even, bro. Oh, wait. That's a, done. Done. Not even, bro. Oh, wait. That's a critical threat. This is a kookery.

This is a kookery. This is a kookery. Wait, a kookery that crits 18 to 20? Yeah, look at my sheet, baby. Look at my sheet. Critical threat. That's a critical threat. Roll to confirm.

Roll to confirm. Don't let us down. Don't let us down. Are we using 5E rules? No. Are you sure Kukri crits 18 to 20? Shit. Fuck!

Fuck! I feel like Dennis Smith Jr. Okay, so... Inside joke. All right, so you get double damage. You already got six. Yeah. So just roll that extra damage. No exploding. I didn't confirm. I didn't confirm. You already got six. So just roll that extra damage.

No exploding. I didn't confirm. It just turns over. Thanks for dragging us down. It's like Dak Prescott. Wow. I think it's going to be good, and then it's just a letdown.

Wow. Am I crazy? I'm not crazy. Wow. Look how crazy? I'm not crazy. Wow. Look how angry he is. He's very mad. You want to go outside after this, Joe? We got a big audience right here. He is a saint.

He may not be the best quarterback, but Dak Prescott is a great man. Yeah, like Who needs talent when you're a humanitarian? James, you're up. In the green room, Joe just turned around and went, so why do you like Dak Prescott? Why do you like Dak Prescott?

I was honestly asking, and he said because he's a great guy. I was like, okay, that's enough for me. He's a good quarterback. I didn't know he was a great guy. He needs to finish his progressions. That's all. It's important that he's enough for me. He's a good quarterback. I didn't know he was a great guy. He needs to finish his progressions. That's all. It's important that he's a good guy. He's got another year. Who needs Super Bowls when you're helping out at Soup Kitchen? We got

one, two, three, four, five! Oh, shit! No! No! I am not going to make it through this show without urinating. Let's do it. You put those shots down. Can we get through this combat, James?

We have to win. We have to win. You can't have those shots unless you defeat her. All right. And neither can I. Skid, you sit down. This is just generally... Skid, stop looking at those shots like a forlorn lover.

Those shots will be there at the end of the show. James is going to take a terrible shot here and just try to stab her with a dagger. He's so incompetent at this. It's a magical dagger. It's a magical dagger. Now, here's the thing. Joe, you have a bottle cap.

You haven't appraised it. You haven't spent enough time detecting magic on it. Give yourself a plus one to hit and damage. Okay. You also have a bottle cap. And I'll turn in my bottle cap. Oh! So what is the bottle cap? A plus

one? No, no. Roll twice. Take the better. Because two ones are still a miss. Oh, my. Spit all over the place. All right. This is from my good friend, Carrie Haley, who gave me a D20 at the start of the show. Friend of the pod, Carrie Haley.

Carrie. She was selling at the merch booth. Working at the merch tables tonight. Helping at the merch booth. Everyone give Carrie a round of applause. Carrie Haley. The thing about Carrie is she rolls as terrible as I do. I GMed a game that she was in.

It's true. It's sad. So I'm going to take this die, which will be awful, and then add another one, which should be good. So here we go. What could go wrong? Doing all the math. Your die was a natural 19.

Yeah! I should let you know that dagger crits 19 to 20. Critical crit. Critical crit. Critical crit. I don't know why we did that, but it just seemed like the right thing to do.

I really thought Grant was going to pull something. I think I just pissed myself. Now, do you roll twice on the confirm? Since when have we done that? You know what? I'm a giver. We're in Dallas.

Yeah! I'll allow it. Yeah! Let's show them that big D, Joe! Yeah! Let's do it. Big D20. That is a 15. That's your best one?

Stunned. That's my best one. That's the worst. If he was still blinded, that would have been the confirmed crit. Got it. I'll give you exploding dice, though. I'll flag it. Added it. Added it.

Added it. Yeah. He's not good at this. Okay. That is not a confirmed. Plus one to damage. Re-it. Plus one to damage.

It is a plus one deck. Okay. That is two points of damage. Joe Bryant, everybody. You got your money's worth. He's a wizard. I was trying to make a bold move. You're a wizard, Joe.

Two points of damage. We're going to change that drop to Joe's going to Joe. Joe's going to Joe. Joe's going to Joe. For that Joe. It is her turn. She is no longer blinded or staggered or stunned, rather. No, no, no, no.

It's not her turn. She can go ahead and do what she wishes. James is going to move 20 feet away. So if she wants to take an attack... Actually, yeah, if she wants to take an attack of opportunity, she can. Actually, I don't normally do this, but I feel like now is a good time to

do it. What was your confirm? 15. I accidentally had staggered on and not stunned. Oh. I just noticed it. Normally, I would just keep it to myself and just try to do better next time. But having changed it to stunned,

with no blinded, confirmed the crit. What? What? Don't ever say I never gave you nothing. Don't ever say I gave you nothing, O'Brien. Inquiring minds want to know if other attacks might have hit just for the satisfaction of going. No, they wouldn't, sadly.

Yeah, I'm sure they wouldn't. Because I'm not going to go back and figure it out. No, no, just out of curiosity. Be happy that I gave you this one. Well, we're going to fan crits. This is from George in Linden, New Jersey. George, where you at? Out here. Do you make the drives? Yeah, there he is. George in New Jersey.

They're right here. From the mean streets of Linden. This is friend of the pod, George. This is George Papadakis. Oh, hey, George. That smarts. The strike hit a nerve cluster and caused severe pain. Double damage and the target must make a will save

to overcome extreme pain or is not able to take full attacks. You've got to be fucking kidding me. For 1d4 rounds. That's pretty good. All right, so instead of two damage, it's going to be four damage. No, I roll it. Roll again. I roll it twice.

All right, please. So two damage, and then three damage. Yeah, I knew it. I fucking knew it. That's max, by the way. Three is max. An additional three? Yeah, an then three damage. Yeah, I knew it. I fucking knew it. That's max, by the way. Three is max. An additional three? Yeah, an additional three. And Sniral will save against your AC? No, against my to confirm, so

it's 15. DC 15 will save. Got it. Alright, so five points of damage. Got it. Alright, a lot of trouble. That's so much trouble to go to. Now it's her turn. What can she do? Can she do whatever she wants? She just can't do a full attack She can do move, standard, sword

I didn't fail to save I made the save Oh yeah yeah So she can do full attack We're gonna do two claws Shit On you By the way a doppelganger with two claw attacks

Killed your first character Hold on a second But I moved away So there's an attack of opportunity If you wanna take it Yeah I'll take it It there's an attack of opportunity if you want to take it. Yeah, I'll take it. It's a free attack. Natural two.

That'll be a miss. Okay. Now I have two attacks, and Sheila is the one in front of me. That's right. That's true. So if this kills you, it's 100% Joe's fault. Yes. kills you, it's 100% Joe's fault.

Yes. First attack with these doppelganger claws. I'm fine. Apparently. 15. That's just barely a hit. Oh, God.

Don't you max it out, LaValle. Nine points. Oh, come on!. Don't you max it out, LaValle. Nine points of damage. Oh, come on! I am staggered. Oh, my God. I am at zero. That's the worst thing that could happen. Yeah, it really is.

Negative one is better. Should I roll it out of the table? Why don't you roll it on the stage? If you roll a natural 20 and confirm it, he's going to die. That's why I'm rolling it on the table. Let's roll a natural 20 and confirm it, he's going to die. That's why I'm rolling it on the table. Let's be honest among friends. Should I use old neon green?

Friend of the pod, neon green. Grant's watching it. Grant, I want you to call out. Troy's going to roll. Troy's going to roll. Your toy is Grant. Give it a good roll. Natural two. Yeah!

Miss. Sheila lives. Sheila is staggered now. It is Mrs. O'Lady's turn. Roll a will save, please. Why? Tell me why. Because I Roll a will save, please. Oh. Tell me why. Because I'm casting Mind Thrust again.

Yeah. Natural 20. That was your natural 20. One point of damage. Thank you for soaking that up. One point of damage? Yep. Chip, chip, chipperoo.

Come on. We got to get these shots. No, no. Kill this thing. Come on. We got to get these shots. No, no. Kill this thing. I know. I see you right there. I really have to pee. Drink so much water.

I really need to... Shot. Oh, God. Best friend, you're up. Come on. Come on, best friend. Come on, best friend. Best friend, you are like the damage dealer.

Seven to hit. That's bad. That's bad, man. New round. James, what do you do? You realize this is our chance to get out of this whole section of the dungeon. We could leave this section and go up and satisfy Crossbow Jackson and move on to greater and better things.

All you talk about between sessions is satisfying Crossbow Jackson. Can on to greater and better things. All you talk about between sessions is satisfying Crossbow Jackson. Can we talk about that? Can I psychoanalyze you for once? You don't have the time. Wow. James, what do you do? James

is going to move up and stand just behind the creature and get ready to attack. But he's going to ready an action. So he's not going to attack. Well, what's the ready to action? Don't worry about it. I'll let you know if it gets triggered. That's not how the game works. Tell them's the ready to action? Don't worry about it. I'll let you know if it gets triggered. That's not how that game works.

You have to tell him what the conditions are. That sounds really fun. If you're playing 5E. But you have to tell me what the triggered action is. Otherwise, you're going to be like, that's my triggered action. Can he write it on a piece of paper and slide it across the table? You know he's super honest. You know what?

I'll leave, and you tell everyone else. Oh, okay. It's too bad we're all amplified and there's a monitor backstage, but... Okay. He just wants to pee. Hey, shut up. Shut up.

I'm casting an illusion that I'm there, so I'm not even actually there. So I'm going to try that I'm there, so I'm not even actually there. So I'm going to try to draw the attack and waste an attack. But he's not even actually there. All right, Troy, come on out, buddy. He's still peeing. Have you realized how close Troy is to Jeff Foxworthy's you-might-be-a- redneck routine with this 5E hammer.

You know what? If you can cast illusion without having to tell your GM, you might be playing 5E. You might be playing D&D 5E. That's exact joke instruction. That's the same joke instruction. If you get called to take the wheels off of the richest family members of your houses,

never mind. I don't know what happened. Basically, you just got compared to Jeff Foxworthy. Well, you might be a redneck. All right, so Joe, everyone knows what Joe's ready to action is? I'm going to keep you honest. Okay. We have agreement.

I can't believe Little John showed up. The Erykah Badu concert is next door. That's next door. What? What? All right, let's... It's her turn. She is going to do a full attack.

One hit on Sheila. One hit on best friend. Oh, man. Am I allowed to roll this attack? Yeah. All right. All right. To Sheila. Natural attack? Yeah. All right. All right. To Sheila.

Natural three. Yeah. Awesome. There's a miss. Yes. Right. No. Yes.

All right. Who was the victim of the eye situation? The minus two will save. Best friend. Awesome. To hit best friend. Missed my die box.

Grant, I want you to come over to my die box. My hands are up in the air. Read the die. No. No. No. Fuck. Natural 20. Oh, no. No. No. Fuck. Natural 20. Oh, no. No.

No. Is it a named character? Oh, it's very named. Its first name is Doppel and its last name is Ganger? Yep. Dr. Doppelganger to confirm. Oh, this is bad news, buddy. 17.

That is exactly a confirm. My armor class is 17. Named character, O'Brien. Give it to me. We got Trevor from Portland, Oregon. Trevor, where you at? There's Trevor. We got Portland in the house.

That was April. Yeah. All right, Trevor. Trevor slash April. I don't know. She's a designated representative. Grant, you're going to die in front of your family. Oh, no. No, no, no.

No, no, no, no. Don't subject his family to this. Quintuple damage? Oh, it's so much worse. Oh, no. Numb fingers. Oh, we had this one. No, we didn't. Your attack hits the target's weapon-wielding arm,

severing a nerve, causing their hand to go numb. Double damage and drop your weapon. Oh, God. You're the only one that can finish this thing. Double damage, eh? Sheila is staggered, right? Yeah. Double damage.

And because of that hypnotic stare that started out this thing, you get an extra bonus damage because when an attack that deals damage hits the target of a mesmerist's hypnotic stare, the mesmerist can cause the target to take an additional amount of damage equal to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That doesn't sound like the text itself. It's a free action. Are you selling me a new car?

What the hell was that? This is going to be bad. It's not going to be good. Man, I saw something. Yeah. You saw everything. Oh, man. I forgot it gets that bonus.

You got to add that, of course. That's eight plus six. Fourteen. Don't play with your meal. Eat it. It's going to be 15 points of damage. Brutal. I am unconscious and dying.

But I'm okay. You know what? I'm fine. You're fine. He's fine. You're fine. Well, Sheila, you are at zero hit points, right? I am. What do you want to do?

Whatever I do is going to knock me unconscious. So, yeah, Sheila is going to take one last wild, desperate stab at this creature. Do you believe, Dallas? Do you believe in skin? Do you believe in miracles? One last wild swing with his sickle as his vision blurs. Daddy, 14? What's the total?

14? Flanking. Flanking. Flanking. Flanking, flanking, flanking. 16. 16. And it's no longer stunned. Blinded or stunned. Or stunned.

So 16 total, eh? That's a miss. Oh, come on. First level? And I fall. Uncaught. Unconscious. And you're bleeding out.

Mrs. O'Lady, what do you do? Okay, so... You want to do one of those non-magical telekinetic projectiles again? That's magical. Shut up. So let me just review the situation here. Yeah. Give it to us straight.

So Sheila is unconscious and dying. Okay. And I'm asking. Yes. Yeah. And best friend is unconscious and dying. Okay. And I'm asking. Yes. Yeah. And best friend is unconscious and dying. Yeah. You assume he's dead.

I assume he's dead. Permanently dead, yeah. Permanently dead. Yeah. As opposed to the other kind of dead. Yeah. And so it's just me and James. And I'm out of first level spells.

So he casts his second level spell. What about your cantrips? What about your cantrips? Yeah, just cast a fourth level spell. So it's telekinetic projectile it is. It's the only thing I can do. So what do you do? You just like fling a twig at it?

Yeah, I fling a twig at it. That's exactly what I do. That's just silly. That is a 17 to hit. Yeah. Come on. Come on. Come on, dude.

That is really good. But it's AC 18. Oh, come on. So it's a miss by the rules of the game. I don't know if the rules of the game interest you. I mean, maybe it's a hit in 5E. Because you could just be like, just give him a Ricky Doo. 17th and 18.

James, it's a new round. We're going to get a cease and desist tomorrow. I'm really sure. Seriously. James, give it to me straight. James is going to continue. His ready to action is not triggered. Okay.

He's waiting for her to make the right move. The right move. Yes. You're a fool, James. On a fool's journey. It's her turn. Stayberry? I heard a stayberry from the crowd.

That was good. It's her turn. James is right there. Sheila and best friend are down. So she's going after James. With two cloths. Oh. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Does that trigger your ready to action? Not yet. 20. Roll a will save. Oh! Crack die. Sure. 13.

Miss. Yes! What happens? Nothing. You. Miss. Yes! What happens? Nothing. You just miss. Wait, what? All right. Second attack.

What's happening? 22. Roll a will save. You roll a will save. Natural 2. Miss. Oh! 11.

11. So it misses both attacks. Yeah. Well, shit. We are having fun. Yeah. Yes, we are. You can't say that.

That's my phrase. Sheila, you're... Roll a constitution check. Right? Yeah. Shit. Fail. Fail. Take a point.

You continue to bleed out and most likely die. Mrs. O'Lady, it is up to you and James against the third doppelganger. The one corpse you need to get back behind that barricade, dude. Hit it! 20 to hit. Oh!

That is a miss. Wait, 20? No, 20 is a hit. Yes, I know it's a hit. Roll damage. Four points of damage. Hold on, let me be the teacher that's like let me tell you what's cool. Four points of damage. Hold on. Let me be the teacher that's like, let me tell you what's cool. Four points of damage.

She's still alive. Shit. Okay. Can I roll a perception check? Fuck me. Can you roll a perception? You know what? I'll allow it.

I would like to roll perception on James. I'm sorry. James is fine. Sheila and Mrs. And what the fuck is your name? Best friend. Best friend. All one word.

How hard is that to remember? I want to see if perhaps they have any healing potions on their wrist. Yeah, roll a perception. That is, I'm going to roll inspiration. That is a 19. They're permanently dead. I want to know if they have potions on their belts, Roy, not if they're dead. Right, yeah, you can pick the potions from their corpses.

Do you guys have potions? I do not. I don't. Skid, you really look like a mad scientist right now. 2.21. Take a look. Yeah, no, neither of them have potions. Balls.

Yeah. You can free action stab them to put them out of their misery. Thank you. It's up to you. Thank you for your input. McGiver. I'm going to opt not to do that, and it's the end of my turn. Best friend, roll a constitution save to stabilize.

I'll use big red. Let's see what happens. Stabilize. There you go. All right, 17. You're all right, LaRouche. There you go. All right, so. You're all right, LaRouche. There you go. All right, so you are stable.

We go back to a new round. It is James' turn. Sheila's bleeding out and dying. What do you want to do? You're not able to hit me, so I'm not really afraid. You should be afraid. I'll keep my action because I know I can't hit you, so I'm going to wait it out. You're going to wait it out.

Wow. You ever played this game with two PCs? You ever been in a Mexican standoff before, Troy? Do you have the grit that it takes to take down Joe Brown in this whole damn party? I don't think you do. I've been in a Tex-Mex standoff. Yeah, you did it in the bathroom. And the enchiladas won.

All right, O'Brien. It's her turn. I don't know. I feel like I should just coup de grace Sheila. Right? Or maybe just claw best friend to death. Because we're in Grant's hometown of Dallas. Boo.

All right, I'll attack James, because I'm really interested to see this thing that you're super confident about that's going to come falling down around you. That's going to be a 15 to hit. Roll will save Shut up 15 as well As you go to hit Your claw Swipes through James

And he vanishes As if so much air He's just gone. And you're like, what the? And you turn around and James is standing right next to best friend. And he has a potion out. And he's just waiting for his next turn. So what happened was when you left

Displacement? I cast a silent image of myself right next to you. You failed the will of saves to recognize it. In the next round I cast vanish on myself.

Disappeared. Walked to best friend. And only last one round the vanish. Oh no, so he wouldn't actually appear yet. But he walked over and pulled out

a potion, and now he's just standing next to best friend. Curious. Well now she has to attack Sheila. Come on. Joe, you brought this on yourself, so with her final

claw attack, she'll attack Sheila. No, wait. Not necessarily. Not necessarily. 11. Unconscious. It hits? Miss.

Oh, miss. Unconscious? Yeah, unconscious, flat-footed. That would have been a kill shot. Oh, jeez. It is Sheila's turn. Sheila, have you stabilized or no? No, you haven't.

Not yet. I haven't yet. Try to stabilize. Fail again. You take another point. Misses a lady. Telekinetic projectile. Come on.

Come on. Come on. 17. That's a hit. Yeah, come on. Kill this thing. Wait. No 17. That's a hit. Yeah, come on. Kill this thing. Wait. No, it's not a hit.

I already told you a 17 is a miss. Oh, that's right. I forgot. It was 18. I forgot. You big dummy. So this is a lady is going to say something. Oh.

And she's going to say, what? Are you afraid to attack an old lady? I'm just standing here waiting for you to not be such a coward. Oh. Roll an intimidate check. Oh, yeah.

Little Bruce Lee. Stop trying. Roll an intimidate just for shits and gigs. Just for shits and gigs? That's a 13 on the intimidate. Well, lucky 13. We'll see how that plays out. It is best friend's turn. Best friend is stabilized and unconscious.

James. James. I don't want to say that this is a huge turn for you, but this is it, man. Yeah, it's pretty big. This is basically all he's got. After this, he's running. Just running.

Yeah. Leaving everyone for dead. Full round action. He is going to administer his potion to best friend. Oh. Wow. So good. Maybe you were the best friend all this time.

Joe, I would like you to roll the healing damage. I would like Grant to roll the healing. No, I want you to roll the healing damage. I would like Grant to roll the healing. No, I want you to roll it for Grant. 1d8 plus 1. I'm realizing it might not even make you conscious. Let's forget about the time that the Philadelphia Eagles cheered when Michael Irvin was carted off with what seemed like a paralyzing injury. Let's forget about all the types of adversity between our cities for one moment.

One shining moment. Joe, I just want you to know, we're all counting on you. We're all counting on you. 1d8 plus 1, Joe, you got this. 1d8 plus 1. Come on, come on. 7. Oh! I'm at 0. Oh, that's great.

He's conscious. So you're telling me there's a chance. Wow. Well, I'm dead. Wait. Really? Yeah. Shit.

Yeah, you just killed. But you're not stable? You just killed best friend. Yeah, but we have an intimidation check going. Sheila, excuse me. I didn't stand up. There's no way without a perception check. James, you've moved in the initiative order. So now Sheila, roll another stabilization here situation.

90-18. All right. That is a stable one. You are stable. You're fine. Mrs. O'Lady. Mrs. O'Lady, will you finish this? Miss.

Come on! Best friend, you're at zero. Grant, we are in Dallas. You are at zero. Any action you take is going to put you back to unconscious, but you could finish this right now. Best friend's eyes gaze ever upward as he sees into the spiral of bones leading into infinity,

and he calls out a blessing on faded breath in Farazma's name and empowers a healing spell on himself. Yes! Yes! Huge. That's smart. Maximum healing! Twelve points of healing! I'm back in full, Troy!

He's back, baby! Alright, moving on. James. Oh no, it's the doctor's turn. Yeah. The doctor. She's not a baby. All right. Moving on. James. Oh, no. It's the doctor's turn. Yeah. The doctor. She's not a doctor. You're no doctor. Doctor liar.

She took the Hippocratic Oath. He's a playwright, ladies and gentlemen. First rule, do not harm. She is standing next to Sheila and best friend. But you have been challenged. You have been challenged. Are you a coward is the question. By a little old lady.

Because Mrs. Old Lady rolled a 13 on her intimidate, right? Yeah. Also, I said some pretty good words. Yeah, so I gave you a bonus. Yeah, she's going to run around. Actually, Sheila's unconscious, so she wouldn't provoke. She wouldn't provoke from best friend, though. She doesn't know that. You know what? She'll take an attack

on best friend. Does she know that? Well, she saw him move. Okay, fine. Nope. Out of the box. Alright. I think it's a 20 to hit. Yeah, that's a hit. Alright. No, excuse me. A 19, but it's still a hit. That is going to be...

I think I got you, Grant. Nine points of damage. Oh, that's brutal. That's bad. That's not good. Are you awake still? Still awake. Still awake, buddy.

All right, it takes that one attack, and then it begins to, it takes a five-foot step here. So it does not provoke in that five-foot step. And it is Sheila's turn. Sheila can do nothing. Sheila can do nothing. Misses a lady. Miss. Oh, come on! I can only hit on like an 18, so it's like, it's... I only gave

you your turn so you could miss. Best friend. Come on. Grant. Come on, Grant. Bartholomew Burger. Best friend. St on. Grant Bartholomew Burger. Best friend stands up. Yeah. Cries and casts in a wail, sato voice on this creature.

DC 13 will save. I don't know what it does. Fail it. Fail. Yeah! You are shaken for one round. Okay. It's a cantrip.

It's not a lot. Fucking 11. All right, so she's shaken. Oh. We're going dark. And we're going long. Yeah, we are. Because this is Dallas. Yeah! Wait, first time. We Yeah, we are. Because this is Dallas. Yeah.

Wait. We do what we want. We have an opportunity for another premiere of yet another Nick Lowe drop. Wow. Is it a going long drop? It is. Come on. We're going long.

We're going long. So gird your loins because we're going long. We're going long. We're going long. So gird your loins. Because we're going long. We're going long. We're going long. So gird your loins. It's too long. So gird your loins. It's too long.

The drop. Ironically, it's too long. Shots. Shots, gentlemen. To Texas. I have a child. I'm sad we waited that long for that one. That was really good.

Jesus and Mary. Was that SoCo and Coke? Whose turn is it? What game are we playing? All right, hold on. All right, so according to this, just do whatever you want. It says it right here. Do whatever you fucking want.

That guy's mad. He's like, I love 5E. How dare you, sir, disparage that great game where you can just fucking do whatever you want. Whose turn is it? We are... This is the drunkest we've ever been. And I'm including the early episodes where Grant would fall asleep

against his microphone like this. We had a couple of those. All right. You just cast a spell on me. It's a new round. It's her turn. She has moved. She's coming after Mrs. Old Lady.

And you know what? She's stunned? Staggered. Oh, that's amazing. And what's that? She's shaken. Yeah, she's shaken. Oh, it's a huge...

It's a minus two to hit. Give me shaken all day. Shaken. Not stood. I'm really regretting this course of action. Yeah. She's gonna go after... She is going to charge.

There's a creature in her path. She can't charge. Really? There's a creature in her path. She can't charge. Really? There's a creature in her path. Praise Shields? Yeah, she's charging at Praise Shields. Oh, no! No!

And she's going to attack. She missed Praise Shields. Oh, yeah! What does Praise Shields say? Oh! His analyst sees. It is James' turn. He takes everything in stride.

It's really impressive. James, please. Please. Do something worth anything. Of import. A single offensive spell. He's level one, man. All your spells are offensive to me.

Yeah. Zippity-doo. Zippity-doo. Zippity-doo. You're the David Blaine of poop. Yeah. She's just David Blaine. Yeah, fuck it. He's just going to move up.

Simpility. Wait, wait, wait. So she did not... She ran there? Yeah. Well, she created some distance between you. Yeah, but what about the tub? How did she run through the tub? She's got to go around the tub on that charge and end up here so that I'm flanking.

Well, I missed him anyway, so even if I take the plus two away for the charge, she still doesn't hit. I know, but I need the flanking. You can take an attack of opportunity. I need the flanking, I'm saying. Oh, so you want me to move my character into a flanking position? I'm saying that your character couldn't have ended up where they are anyway. Why? If they charged.

Because there's a tub right in the square between where you were and where you are now. All right, take your flanking. All right. Yeah. I really, really, really need it. I'll give Joe the plus two. Shit. Yep.

Come on. Take your plus two. I really have to commend all of you. This would be such a better show if we were better players and better rollers. Right, like if you rolled better. But you're all here and I love you for it. Yeah. We'd be halfway through the book if someone could roll above ten.

I missed. Shiel is unconscious but stable. Mrs. O'Lady, are you still part of this game? Well, I rolled a natural one, so... Oh, no. That's a fan fumble. Oh, magical fan fumble.

Yeah. The monsters will rumble. The deck they will tumble. Fan fumble. That's new also. I think Grant's leaving. It's like I clock out at 10. There are so many bright sides to this situation.

This is such a lovely venue. Oh, Mr. Brightside. Look at the bar. Look at the screen. There are shots the whole night long. All right. How does Mrs. O'Lady die? So this is Simon from Melbourne, Australia.

International. Melbourne! Melbourne! It's called Arcane Backfire, and to save time, you basically just hit yourself with the spell. Yep, kill yourself. Mrs. O'Lady is unconscious and dying. Yeah!

It's up to James and Mrs. O'Lady. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. GP. Dallas is the place to do it. Back and to the left.

Back and to the left of this party. We are. The one thing we have to do is kill doppelgangers, and it is the one thing we are apparently incapable of doing. And this is level one basic bullshit. And you've failed for four live shows. Grant. Grant, we need you. Come on, man.

Here's the thing, Grant. Like, the whole time I've been wanting you to be the hero. Just you? Your family is here. They're right there. Can we get a show of sound? Who wants Grant to be the hero in Dallas? Grant, but here's the thing.

Like, we can want you to be the hero. You have to roll the dice. That was like being hugged by Karl Rove. Nice. I really felt like we connected there. We don't hug a lot, man. I've never seen it before. Just kidding. Continue. Continue. I love you.

Nice. Grant, everyone wants you to succeed here, but we can't control it. You have to roll the actual hit. I'm going to roll this. Come on, Big Red. Come on, Big Red. Oh, Big Red. Wait, now, best friend, you have to roll the actual hit. I'm going to roll this. Come on, Big Red. Come on, Big Red. Is that it? Oh, it's Big Red. Big Red.

Wait, now, best friend, you have to take a five-foot step. I miss. I miss. We got to skid down. We got to skid down. Guys, skid's down. Grant's missing. Mass hysteria.

It's her turn! Praise Shield! I mean, obviously the largest threat is Praise Shield. No, but like, that's not even a joke. He is the largest threat based on the evidence of this combat. That's true. I just stung

myself on the mic. She'll do a full attack on Praise Shield. Natural one. Yeah! That's true. I just stung myself on the mic. She'll do a full attack on praise shields. Natural one. Yeah! Fan fumble! Now, she does confirm. Natural two.

Oh! All right, so she fumbled. Oh, that's huge. That could put her out of it. You want to pick one from Texas, Joe? You can't drop her claws. All right, this from Callum in C Can't drop her claws. All right. This from Callum in Cahir, Tipperary, Ireland. Ireland.

Oh, Irish. Tip of the penis to you. Tip of the penis to you. Isn't that the saying? I feel like that's the saying. Just the tip. Tip of the penis to you. I've heard of this country.

Oh, my God. I don't know if you're going to allow this. What a stunner. You attempt heard of this country. Oh, my God. I don't know if you're going to allow this. What a stunner. You attempt to swing your weapon. Your weapon could be a claw. Claws are a weapon. But completely misjudge your swing and catch yourself in the back of the head. Normal weapon damage.

No strength bonus applied. And you're stunned for one round. Fortitude save negates the stun. Oh, all right. Okay. So she does her damage to herself. Yeah, without a strength bonus. Okay.

I'm going to let an audience member roll the damage. What? Mary Burger? Mary Burger. Who? My mother, Mary Burger. Let's get Mary Burger up here. Yeah!

My mother, Mary Berger. Let's get Mary Berger up here. Yeah! Mary! Mary! Mary! Mary! Mary! Mary! Mary! Mary! Mary Berger everybody She's coming

Ladies and gentlemen Mary Berger Please welcome Mary Berger to the stage Mary Berger everyone Alright I was like I don't know how we're going to get out of this one. So I think we found the answer.

Mary Burger. Can I call you Mary Burger? All right. I feel like we go way back. This is what's known as a D8. Your son's fate relies on this roll. You need to roll higher than a three.

And if you roll higher than a three, they'll win a prize. How do you feel, Mom? Pretty scared. Yeah? Just right in that box, Mom. Right in the box. Drop it in the box.

You got this. Mary Berger, everybody. Come on, Mary. Two. Oh, God. Security. That's all right. That's alright. You know what?

I'm sorry. No, there's no second chances with Troy. But please, stay up here with us. I'll sit. I'll sit. You sit. I'm going to stand. Fortitude save. What's the fortitude save? To not be stunned.

Because you hit yourself in the back of the head. What's the DC? It's, who did you attack? It's Prey Shield's AC. stunned. Because you hit yourself in the back of the head. Fortitude wants to DC. It's who did you attack? It's Prey Shields AC. So nine. No, I don't know. Whatever Prey Shields AC is. Natural six.

What's your Fortitude save bonus? Plus Is it under three? It's three, exactly. Yeah. Nine. Oh, yeah, it's got to be ten. It's ten plus.

So I'm shaking. No, you're stunned. I'm stunned. You're stunned for one round. Yeah. It's okay. It's good. All right.

We have another chance for Mary to save us. We have another chance. And so what was, you rolled a two. Okay. All right. This is insane. This is crazy. This is. This the... You rolled a two. Okay. All right. This is insane. This is crazy. This is...

This has gone a little bit off the rails. This is... A little bit. About three hours ago. This is Glass Cannon Live. Yeah! You never know what's going to happen. All right.

This is the first time any of our moms have come into the middle of a tough combat. That's true. That's very true. But not the last. But not the last. Hopefully. James, I kind of like standing combat. True. That's very true. But not the last. But not the last. Hopefully. James, I kind of like standing up. James.

I think I should do this. You just stepped on the 5E rule book. James! Yeah, I just stepped on it. All right, here we go. Shit on this. We'll still sign. Come on, James.

James. Oh, James. Joseph O'Brien. You're flanking, James. You're flanking, James. What do you think is the cost of this lovely kitchen set? $950. We got $950. Skid, what do you think is the cost of this lovely kitchen set? $950. We got $950.

Skid, what do you bid? $1. $1. Show me the price. $2. Skid wins. So what do you want to do? I already stabbed with the dagger and missed, and I'm so pissed at this die.

Yep. You can't be it. Does anybody want this shitty, shitty, shitty die? You're going to hurt someone if you throw it out there. Be careful. All right, that's good. That guy just lost an eye. That's a catch.

There you go. That die's a piece of shit. Good luck with it. Stop punching your wife over that useless die. God damn it. I know who's getting married next. Unconscious and stable. Mrs. O'Lady, Mrs. O'Lady, come on. Come on. I know who's getting married next. Unconscious and stable. Mrs. O'Lady.

Mrs. O'Lady. Come on. Come on. I'm unconscious. You know that, right? Oh. Moving on. I gotta be...

I'm not stable. Try to stabilize. That is a 10. And how many points below zero are you? Four. And what's your constitution bonus? Plus one. Score.

No, score is a 12. Oh, so you're fucking bleeding out and dying. Does anyone want this side? Oh, all right. Thank you. Keep seats. And now it comes back to best friend Grant. You can roll for yourself, But your mom is right here.

She's right here. Come on, Mom. Come on. Mary Berger. Is the magic connected? Like that and drop it right in there. Mary. 13 on the die for an 18 to hit.

That is a hit. Yeah! Roll damage. Where's the D6? Let me use one of Troy's filthy D6s. Yeah! Roll damage. Where's the D6? Let me use one of Troy's filthy D6s. Five points of damage. Three things happen. One, you kill the doppelganger.

Yes! Yes! Two, you level up. What? And three, we'll see you in Portland. Yeah! We did it! Thank you, Dallas.

I love you all. Thank you, Dallas, so much. Thank you, Dallas. Thank you, Dallas. Merry Christmas.