The Glass Cannon Podcast - Strange Aeons Episode 41 – Pair of Kings

Episode Date: August 2, 2022

Glass Cannon Live! returned to the city where it all began—sunny Los Angeles—for a star-studded night of Lovecraftian nonsense. As the heroes stumble around the abandoned caravanserai in the Dreamlands, they come upon a lost soul looking for a way home and an eerily familiar man with strange tidings. Join Troy Lavallee, Joe O'Brien, Skid Maher, Grant Berger and Matthew Capodicasa as they tour the country playing the Lovecraftian Horror Strange Aeons Pathfinder Adventure Path. Watch the video here: Recap 14:56 Gameplay 21:58 For more podcasts and livestreams, visit glasscannonnetwork.com and for exclusive content and benefits, subscribe today at patreon.com/glasscannon. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I just got us a new Coca-Cola Spice. Nice. What's it taste like? It's like barefoot water skiing while dolphins click with glee. Whoa, let me try. Nah, it's like gliding on a gondola through waving waters as a mermaid sings. Nah, it's like Coca-Cola with a refreshing burst of raspberry and spiced flavors. Yeah. Try new Coca-Cola with a refreshing burst of raspberry and spiced flavors. Yeah.

Try new Coca-Cola Spiced today. Oh, no. I can't be out of ink. Not now. Mega tank. Why do I do this to myself? Ah, what's that printer that comes with 30 times the ink? Mega tank.

Yes. It's a Canon. Mega phone? Mega tank. It's a Canon printer. It comes with like two grand worth of ink. Prints me over 7,700 color pages. Mega tank. Mega phone? Megatank. It's a Canon printer. It comes with like two grand worth of ink. Prints me over 7,700 color pages. Megatank.

Mega what? Listen to the voice in your head and get a Canon Megatank printer so you don't have to think about ink for a long, long time. Visit canon.ca slash megatank for details. Thank you. Oh, baby! Yeah! L.A. Joe! L.A. Joe! L.A. Joe! L.A. Joe! L.A. Joe! L.A. Joe! L.A. Joe! Hello, Los Angeles!

You guys sound good for a Wednesday night. Is it Wednesday? Is it Wednesday? Yeah! We are back, folks. We are back in sunny California. La La Land, Hollywood, Tinseltown, the city of angels. This is a city where everyone in town is working the exact job they dreamed of having when they moved here. Right?

That's why I love this town. Yeah, you can just feel the contentment in everyone you speak to. How did so many of you get your catering shifts covered for tonight? All those poor catered events that must be caterless this evening. So sorry. No, I'm sure there's a couple casting assistants in the audience tonight. Because that's what you spend tens of thousands of dollars on acting school for.

To be a casting assistant. Right? No, I'm sure there's some personal trainers out there. Maybe even a couple yoga instructors and Pilates teachers as well. Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule

to come celebrate with us. No. No, listen. Whatever you do for a living that is light years away from what you really wish you were doing, I want to thank you for leaving your houses 11 hours ago to wade through cars full of dead dreams to be here tonight.

Thank you. You guys. We appreciate it. This is totally not a ludicrous place to live. That's not a joke. I greatly appreciate it. Three hours driving for the closest person to get here.

Yep. You could live a block and a half away and you had to skip lunch. And we appreciate it. Now, you may notice that we're down a Matthew tonight, or well, you also may not have noticed since he barely

makes it over the table, but he's not there. Trust us, he's not here. He's definitely not here. Double check. Yeah, that's not here. He is definitely not here. Double check. Yeah, that's not here. He's erring on the side of caution because he was exposed to COVID like the day before he was going to hop on his flight. But as I told him, the shows will be better without him.

And I did say that, and then I hung up. So see you. He called back several times, and you didn't pick up the phone. But I did text him. I said, make sure you get a refund on those flights. Yeah. The important stuff. But, you know, the good thing is, since we're in L.A., you can't throw a rock without hitting a movie star to replace that hairy son of a bitch.

So I got on the horn, now that we know some people, and I called up William Morris Endeavor Agency. And I said, hey, you remember me? You called me in for two interviews after my showcase promised to sign me straight out of grad school, and you didn't. And now I print money. And I hung up.

And I kind of blacked out for a little bit. And I woke up on the Sunset Strip. And I was like, what the fuck just happened? And I started wandering around, and I wandered into the comedy store. And I said to the guy at the door, I said, Hey, are there any comics in here struggling to get stage time? And he

pointed at the bar and he's like, well, that guy comes in here every night and he's terrible. We won't put him up. And I said, well, I'll take him. And they said, we really don't care. We don't even know his name. Well, I know his name and all of you know his name.

Give it up for Mr. Jared Logan, everybody. Jared Logan! Jared Logan! Healthy Matt! Healthy Matt! Healthy Matt! Healthy Matt! Healthy Matt!

All right. Okie dokie. How are you, buddy? Matt. Healthy Matt. Healthy Matt. Alright. Okie dokie. How are you, buddy? I'm good. I tried to... So rock and roll. I'm having so many waters tonight, it's going to get real

interesting later. In terms of urination. I tried to grow a little more hair to fill the Matthew role, but I am unable to grow facial hair because I am, I just am like a baby that got really big.

I've never heard an adult describe that. That's what I look like anyway Just an old baby I'm an old baby That would be your nickname if you were like an NBA player Give it up for Jared Old Baby Logan At the University of Seton Hall

Number 14 Jared Old Baby Logan Old Baby's having a tough year He's shooting 2% an old baby Logan. Old baby's having a tough year. He's shooting 2% from the three points. He's making a real caca on his diaper this season. Dude, you are the best. You just dropped everything,

including your children, right on the floor to come here. And you're also going to come with us to San Francisco That's right This fucking guy That's right And you know what that means It's time to find out how to play Pathfinder 2A Give me 10 minutes

That's all it takes That would be 10 minutes more than we've spent That's so true no we've been studying our hearts away well we're excited to have you

and I'm really excited about this show so now I'd like to introduce you to three men who are like most people who succeed

in Hollywood because they found someone with talent and ambition and leeched onto him all the way to the top. What we call this, the top.

You're like the turtles to my Vincent Chase. You're the Johnny Drama. It would be like that if Vincent Chase needed Turtle to become a success. This is true. Wait. You're saying I needed you? That was the implication, yes. I did need you.

But first up is a tall, lean fellow who enjoys cycling, running, gardening, and chasing young boys down beanstalks. Get down from there now. Give it up for Grant Berger, everybody! The Bergtalk! The Bergtalk! Oh, funky.

Hello, Los Angeles. I've had a great time running down from Venice Beach to Redondo Beach, where I found everyone who's more attractive and in better shape than I am. So thank you for that. How are you, buddy? You've been getting all around here. We haven't really seen you that much. You've been bouncing around, running over a

fucking canyon in town. Any canyon I can find, I must leap over it. That is the giant's code. No, I've had amazing food here. I got down to Grand Central Market, I think they call it. Had a little grilled cheese sandwich and some sisig, some Filipino fried rice.

It was delicious. And then a lot of people here may be familiar with Mary Burger. Any Mary Burger? My mom. It's Grant's mom. The only mom that has appeared multiple times on this show. She's a real hot commodity. But I got a text from Rick Berger, who's never made an appearance on this show.

And devoid of any context, I'd like to show you a picture I received. This is your dad? This is my dad. Like a chip off the old block. He now refers to himself as Rickbo. Richard Berger Rickbo. And I just need to... I'm doing this to show my dad this clip later

to tell him that there are consequences to his text. Yeah. Just sending this stuff out. LA, burn this in your brains and never forget. I love you all. Well, to this giant's right is a man that is thrilled to be performing in Los Angeles again after

being blacklisted during McCarthyism in the 50s. Give it up for Skid Marv, everybody! Skid, skid, skid! Skid, skid, skid! Good buddy. Skid! Skid! Thatid, Skid. Skid, Skid, Skid. Good buddy. Skid.

That was a tough time for your career. I'm glad you bounced back. Yeah, I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the Thunder Company. I found some old pictures of you. Evidently, I don't know if people know this, but Skid had a short marriage to Lauren Bacall back in the day. Yeah, I'm really surprised to track these down.

Isn't that nice? It didn't last. It was a very private ceremony. I was really unaware of it. And a very small cake to boot. She insisted on the smallest cake that they had. I hope you're playing tonight Theater of the Mind Troy, because I just want to leave that up. Yeah, just leave that up all night.

Forget the math. He didn't even invite us. They ran out of cake three minutes ago. Well, finally is a man who makes love to his wife, not unlike the famous In-N-Out Burger. Animal style. Not like a ravenous beast, but covered in Thousand Island dressing. Give it up for L.A. Joe O'Brien!

Oh! I love L.A., baby. I love LA I love LA L.A. Joe L.A. Joe L.A. Joe L.A. Joe I love it

I love it Are you recovering from your What was your lunch called again? A taste of history. It's like 11.45 when we go to an early lunch because we want to digest before the show. Grant orders a single tamale. Yes. I get two enchiladas and Joe's like, I'll take the taste of history.

I wanted to turn to Joe and say tell me you've given up without saying you've given up and it was the taste of history and you knew what it was it did say what it was I have a real problem I go to these pre-show lunches and I'm like how about a little fish

maybe over a salad and then I'm just like the world's biggest burrito. And I can't, I cannot say no. So this plate was, it had tamales, enchiladas, tacos, chili rellenos, rice, refried beans. It came on a plate. plate it came on a plate that literally had a taste of history like in the plate it was this giant oval and i finished it i didn't eat it all i finished it and troy just looks over he's like you don't even look like you started that like it was so much food but it was you know what there it is a taste of history!

The taste of history! We were going to say, can we get the rest in a smoothie to go? Just blend it all together. I'm a man on the run. If you're ever in this area, check out El Cholo for the taste of history. Tonight's show brought to you by El Cholo.

El Cholo. It is really good. We ate there yesterday. It wasolo. It is really good. We ate there yesterday. It was awesome. We're pretty excited. And all jokes aside, I think I speak for the guys as well when I say that we have had

just about the best week in L.A. this week than we've had since we started this dog and pony show. On Monday night, we got to meet in person all these wonderful L.A. people that we've been playing with for years now.

And my God, I'm just warm inside thinking about the generous, warming welcome we received from these people. It was just wonderful. We've been working since the beginning of COVID, never met in person. We had everybody together. The energy at that hangout was amazing. And then last night, I almost want to cry thinking about it. We've had the pleasure of getting to know

Matthew Lillard for a while from Beetle & Grimms. Make sure you check out beetleandgrimms.com and buy everything they have. He is, without a doubt, one of the most wonderful human beings I've ever met. Cool-ass dude. He makes me want to be a better man. He invited us to his home last night

And introduced us to like the entire LA tabletop scene And I mean it was a night None of us will soon forget And so all of this is to say I know I make a lot of jokes Usually they're mean, occasionally they're funny And all I want to say is

The Glass Cannon Nation Big things are happening right now And it's because of these people That we've been blessed to make friendships with all I want to say is the Glass Cannon Nation, the Nash. Big things are happening right now, and it's because of these people that we've been blessed to make friendships with over the years. So many people that have showed up to support us. So many people that are here tonight in the audience. And if you see them, don't be weird. You fucking weirdos, don't be weird to them.

Just say hello or give them a nod as if to say you're the best because they are the best. So thank you, LA friends out here. And to the nace that showed up tonight. Yes! We've got a lot

to cover tonight and I want this show to be the best one on the tour yet. So Grant, take it to the recap. It's on the absolute wrong screen. Sorry, LA!

Los Angeles, I'm sorry! Oh my God, it's stuck. And all your friends are watching. Yeah. Well, they can go. Could have had Matthew do that. I wanted something done wrong and asked Matthew. It's just like he's here. Here it comes.

Here it comes. A recap. Take it to the... Take it to the... It's literally stuck on... This is incredible. This has never happened. I can't believe this.

I'm so embarrassed right now. This is our 41st show on the tour. Oh, I need... I need to buy an H.265 extension. Let me see if I have another app. This is literally never have a Windows Media Player. Nope.

Let's see how this goes. Let's keep it going here. I want to figure this out. Why don't you just hold your laptop up to them and show them? There we go. Here it comes. Alright. It's going to be worth the wait. Jerry Bruckheimer, eat shit. He might be here.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Totally worth the wait. Totally worth the wait. I would have waited five, ten more minutes for that. Wait, stop. Wait. That was all just so that the word recap could have come up?

That was funny. No new information, just... It is like a Jerry Bruckheimer production. I didn't realize that that's what that was for. It's just becoming more and more of a hassle. Well, here's the recap. Any first-timers here tonight? Oh.

Oh. Oh, nice. Any soon-to-be last-timers? Oh, yeah. We'll find out. There's one. Get out! Yeah.

Buy a T-shirt and get out. Well, man, this adventure is getting pretty wild. We started our whole story right here in L.A. back in 2018 at the now defunct Bootleg Theater. Rest in peace. We started our adventure there in a shared nightmare, where our heroes just found themselves in this strange alien city being pursued and eventually killed by a creature in the dreamlands known as the Tatterman. Upon dying, they awoke in an asylum with no memory of how they got there or even who they were. Eventually, they find out that a man named Count Hazerton Lowles IV,

a man they used to work for, put them there and is somehow responsible for their fugue state. So, they make it out of the asylum, they head to town to hunt Lowles down, but he's gone. They infiltrate his estate, kill a bunch of cultists and eldritch anomalies, and finally find out where he went. Come to find out the Count, instead of doing his job of presiding over the county, wants to be a respected author and scholar. But he's a hack. So he decided to try some new methods of research

in an attempt to raise his stature among his peers. He began experimenting with projecting his consciousness into the fucking dreamlands to try and find the location of a hidden city, a hidden city that perhaps holds the key to great knowledge that is as yet undiscovered in our world. While in the dimension of dreams, Liles met a man named the Mad Poet. He then went through a long process of trying to gain an audience with this figure, a process which included the sacrifice

of our heroes' minds. Laos meets the Mad Poet. The Mad Poet reveals to him the location of this hidden city can be found in a book called The Necronomicon, but that book is far away to the south, locked in a museum. So, our heroes

have now boarded a boat to follow Lals, but this journey is long. Luckily, they all have all of his books and notes and handouts and research to keep them company. They start looking through these, and as they do, they find the dream ritual that Laos used to enter the dreamlands.

They then enact that ritual and find themselves in this desert outside of what looks like a long-abandoned way station, a caravanserai. I know what I said! They go inside. Seems like it's empty. They meet this friendly shopkeep. He turns out to be an animate dream that

attacks them. They're attacked by this terrifying haunt and a formless spawn rises up out of a bathtub and almost TPKs them. Halster Price uses three actions to wake himself up out of the dream, and he awakens on the boat somewhere. Meanwhile, Sir Julie, Atticus, and Aldo are still in the dreamlands. Halster, you have awakened, and you find yourself back on the boat.

You look around, and you see your companions lying there asleep, their minds elsewhere in this Inception-like state. I bet Inception was huge when they wrote this particular story. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. when they wrote this particular story. You look down to your right, and you see a black Sharpie lying on the floor next to you.

And you can only assume from the warm feeling across your cheeks and foreheads that one of the crew members drew several penises on your face while you were asleep. But at least you're alive. Alive. With a face covered in dicks. Tinky, you bastard. What have you done?

What have you done to my... Oh, it actually is an improvement. Maybe I'll do this more often. You look around, you see all your friends lying there, and we black out. We come back up at the end of this battle with Atticus Aldo and Sir Julie, just licking their wounds after this formless spawn.

A very famous Cthulian monster attacked you and almost wiped you out. The encounters have been incredibly difficult. But you know that if you die in the dreamlands, you don't actually die. You just wake up with a permanent madness. Perhaps a fate worse than death. What do you do? Sir Julie.

Where's she gone? She's not responding at all. I didn't really think about this. Yes. Yes. Yes. I'm hurt and very, very injured. Could you perhaps get me back up to full strength?

I don't know. I cannot. I cannot. Sir Julie, have mercy. I'm injured as well. For you, I shall provide aid. What? Oh, thank you. I don't know what...

Oh! Yes. Aid. Thank you. No, Atticus, I'm sorry. You get some too. I just... Not in my right mind. I have proved useless in this

caravanserai. Perhaps I should just wake myself up. Goodbye. No! No! Wait! And she disappears. I was hoping to see more of that character. Maybe she'll come back. Wait! And she disappears. I was hoping to see more of that character. Yeah.

Maybe, okay. Maybe she'll come back. She's just joking. She's like, I'm just kidding. I'm right here. Sorry, I'm all, I'm having a madness. I don't feel right in the head. You're having a madness.

Yes, that's what we called it. I'm sorry. Back at the asylum. That's what we called it, back at the asylum. You'd be having a madness. Yes, that's what we called it. I'm sorry. Back at the asylum. That's what we called it back at the asylum. You shouldn't make fun. Oh, yes, I remember. The asylum is sort of like a frat.

It's like our college days. I remember back in the asylum we'd have a madness. Before exams, you know, he's like, sorry, Professor, I've got a madness. I'm not in my right mind.

Please, we'll play with each other. Anything for you, Sir Julie. Atticus will move into the room. Try to investigate further. Looking deep into the toilet. Do it back there, Grant All of a sudden you're proficient with that computer Alright, what are you looking at? I'm looking at the toilet

Well, he's examining the toilet See what this thing came out of. And see if there's any knowledge. Toilet. Lord Toilet. You study it and find nothing. Really get in there, though. Really get in there with your hands.

You never know what you'll find. He balances himself on the edge. Hands go up. And then down and then up. And then he jumps and dives into the toilet. It's a beautiful dive, and you split your head open because it's... Ceramic bottom, six inches below the surface of the water. No, it looks like this might have been a place where people would have come when they were relaxing here

to clean themselves off after a long desert travel. But you can see from the stains on the tub, it's been unused for a long time. And now that the spawn has died, it's just a dirty old tub. Everything here looks like it used to be used for something, but now it's abandoned. Aldo, let's move forward.

The house has already woken. We don't have much time and he'll start pushing forward to the east okay and Sir Julie's like alright I'll come too but I don't want to talk

sweet Sir Julie why don't you lead the way and choose the doors to open choose the best to open? Choose the best order that you feel fits. So, Julie takes the vanguard.

No, wait. Too fast. Check for traps. Wait! You hear click-clink. Oh! Oh, God! It burns!

You look down the hallway. You see a single door leading to a room to the south, and then to the north, the hallway opens up. It seems to be the same width of the hallway that you walk down to the... Weast. Weast. All right, he will move. He will prod Sir Julie to move to the uh, weest. Alright, he will move. He will prod Sir Julie

to move to the east. Let me roll a perception check. Ooh, how do you... Uh, 30. Ooh, they're cheering for perception checks. This is gonna be a good night. Oh, yeah. Alright, so that's great.

You start moving behind Sir Julie the Silent. Long have tales been told of Sir Julie the Silent. The Silent Knight. Oh, it's early. A little warm up. Christmas in June starts in Hallmark next week. You hear snoring coming from the hallway to the north. You look around the corner and you see those fountains in a row like you saw when you were walking down the Weest hallway.

The fountains that are decorated with just like sleepwalkers. Wait, wait, somebody. Let me take a peek. He looks to see if he can see farther up toward the sound of this snoring. He sure can. You look up and you see two

things of interest. You see that the hallway to the north eventually ends in like a collapsed wall. And part of the ceiling and the rooms above, maybe there used to be a second floor, have collapsed as well. But there is a ledge overhanging, which makes you think there might be still a second level that's still intact. But the other thing that catches your eye is a sleeping dwarf. Oh. Oh, shit. Oh.

Shh. Don't wake him. Now do. If we could take him by surprise and kill him in an instant... Kill him while he sleeps! Now's our chance! Sir Julie nods.

Yes. Holding her great sword. You know that shopkeep, he seemed so polite, but he was really a denizen of this plane. Perhaps this dwarf is the same. We approach with caution. I...

Yes, approach with caution. I... Yes, approach with caution. Did he say something? I shall run him through. Wait, wait, Sir Julian. A moment. Sorry. It's the madness. He has such a baby face.

Nah, dude, this character's tough as hell. This character does not have a baby face. I know we're supposed to yes and, but no. But he doesn't. What does this dwarf, fact look like well um he's very hairy and uh has a lot just a giant beard and also hair on his chest and arms and he's and he's really just all muscle and he's carrying an annoyed he's carrying a giant club It's as big as your character. And he's wearing a loincloth, and he's covered in really cool tattoos.

Like tribal tattoos, where he would be the coolest guy. Remember Zion and the Matrix? Yes. He would kick ass at that party at zion it's like drop that beep yeah and by this is a desert right yeah he's really just wet with perspiration it's like burning man he's like a burning man every single pectoral stands out in stark, wet contrast. Stark, wet contrast. Yeah.

If we named these episodes, we'd have a title that would be... Stark, wet contrast. Sir Julie looks to Aldo and Atticus what to do, greatsword raised above her head he is unarmored he looks rather horrifying

I'm going to take a step back and why don't you prod him and see if he awakes I'll handle this and Aldo See if he awakes. Wait, I'll handle this. And Aldo pulls Werner Hedgehog out of the goiter on his neck. I forgot about that.

Dripping with red gore. And lowers him slowly towards his face, towards the dwarf's face. And Werner kisses the dwarf's face. And Werner kisses the dwarf gently on his forehead. Dwarf's eyes go wide open

suddenly, and he leaps into a ready position to attack or fight or bite something, and immediately starts kind of like doing like a ape-like dance of readiness and combat. Ape-like dance of readiness and combat. An ape-like dance of readiness? What is that?

You got two palms on the ground? He's like a, like a, yes, yes. I took some time and had Dolly generate some images based off of your description. Thank you for getting it. That is the character right there. These are kind of nightmare fuel. Oh, God. Oh, no.

I like that one. That's kind of. That's pretty good. All of these are correct. They're all correct at once. He postures like a alpha gorilla at your hedgehog and makes gorilla noises. Don't hesitate.

Take him out! What do you do, sir? Julie, herself having a madness, sees madness in this poor, wet, tattooed dwarf. And takes pity on him. And she says, no, no, there's something wrong with him. I know madness.

You just had one. Yes, I'm still suffering from it. And we'll go back to being mute in a moment. But to avoid PVP, I want to step in. At all costs. What is your name, Wolf? You speak language of waking world, yes? Yes.

Yes. We speak waking. You have come. You have come. You have found me. After so long. And he begins sobbing. So long.

You finally found me. Is my mother alive? Oh my. It is madness. I have to. Atticus steps back up. How long? How long have you been here?

Decades. Maybe centuries. Time strange here. I can use the word centuries, but I don't... I can't... I have problems with, like, definite articles and prepositions. Yes. It's the dialect. It's the dream dialect.

Yes. Since... Since I was child... I... Since I was child I since I was child trapped here in the dream and he gestures

very theatrically the camera pans out to a wide shot you've grown in the dreamland I was raised by zoogs who is zoogs You've grown in the dreamland. I was raised by zoogs. What is zoogs?

What is a zoog? Despicable creatures. They taught me how to live off the land here. They're like... They're like squirrels, but with octopus faces. No! But larger and meaner. No! Careful, they're friends of mine.

You know, as he says that, you remember that you faced a zoog in the asylum. There was a creature in the asylum that came out that had, like, tentacles coming out of its mouth. It was like a little squirrel-type creature. So imagine he was raised by Zeus.

You were raised by Zooks. Yes, I am Xantar of the Zooks. Xantar of the Zooks. Yes. Matthew's out. Xantar of the Zooks. Take me back with you. Take me back to waking world i must find my family the zoogs or no the zoogs are more of an adoptive family oh you're searching for your birth parents well i would like to i would this have you been around this place? It's terrifying. It's terrible.

It's awful. I wish to return from whence I came to learn of my heritage. Fair enough. But, Xantor of the Zoogs, if that is your real name... Well, it is. How can we know we can trust you?

He's got you, buddy. You challenge me for leadership of this group. Show me. Show me your dance of dominance. Grant just keeps putting up horrifying Torben pictures. Dolly is the worst thing that's ever been invented. Oh, yeah. All right, I'm done. I'm sorry.

He says, show me your dance of dominance, Aldo. Ah, ha, ha. Right, I'm done. I'm sorry. He says, show me your dance of dominance, Aldo. Ah, ha, ha. Right, I trust him. Yes, you win. You've proven yourself, Santa. Well, you know this place? Yes, you know it well. I have traveled over much of Dreamlands.

I explore the far corners looking for a way out. Well, we may have that way but first we must discover the secrets that lie in this place join us briefly I will join you roughly three hours roughly three hours

join us and then we will totally help you out. Totally. I trust this one. And I didn't have to dance. Ah! Ah, so I am now leader! Ah!

And I bang my club against the fountain and probably it cracks because of my strength. It does. Yes. Splinterstone goes everywhere and it lands at Sir Julie's feet and she says... Killing her.

Killing her instantly. She says, All right, Xantar of the Zooks, you may lead us. And she gives a side eye to Aldo and Atticus as if to say,

He is not going to lead us. And she gives a side eye to Aldo and Atticus as if to say, he is not gonna lead us. You say way out of Dreamlands is in this place, yes? We believe so. We must open every door, search every room for the answer,

and you should be the one to go first. You are, after all for the answer. And you should be the one to go first. You are, after all, our leader. You are the leader. To the south, with all haste. This is wisdom. As leader, I go first. Alright.

To the south. To the south. How do I make it touch him? Now you can. You should be able to move him. There you go. I got it. There you go.

Man, that was such a creepy way to say it. How do I make it touch him? How do I make the computer caress my character? That door to the south. The door. Open the door. Where are you coming from? He's running away. How do I make the computer caress my character? That door to the south, the door Open the door Where are you coming from, Xantar? He's running away Xantar, come back!

Xantar! Come on! No wonder I got lost in here I never noticed this door here What a fool I feel With very little caution or hesitancy, Xantar kicks the door in.

Kicks the door in. Xantar knows how to do it. An RPG show. And as he kicks the door in, camera zooms into that room, into darkness, and we find ourselves back on the Selen Starling. We see Halster staring in a darkly lit bathroom mirror,

scrubbing... There's a bathroom on this boat? Yes, scrubbing... There's a mirror? There's a bathroom with a mirror? Shut up. Let's go with this. Try to involve Grant.

Just scrubbing Sharpie dicks off his face. Try as he might, he's only making it worse. What are you doing there, man? After he cleans all 20 dicks off of his face. I want to know who was behind this. We have another mystery to solve. No one said there were 20. You're adding dicks.

He's just yes-ending the dicks. I'm living in my own dreamlands, Jared. Yeah. He's yes-adding. I take my pants off and I sit down on the toilet and I clean myself with a bidet that's also on this ship. It's a luxury bathroom with a waterfall shower. This is nice.

I'm glad. I regret kicking it to you. I step in and use the Pert Plus on the... And then after all that, what do you do? I walk back into the room where everyone else is asleep. Wearing a towel. Wearing only a towel. Wearing only a towel. Wearing only a towel.

That is very, very loosely tucked together. Okay. The slightest gust of wind would just It's just a face cloth tied under the roof. It's all I could find. Meanwhile, you see a bunch of beach towels.

Where are the towels? Oh, there are towels? Well, it's too late now. The camera pans up from Halster's wet, dripping feet, past his calves, past his buttock, up his lower back, and zooms in on his neck.

The base of his skull. Where the spiral of phrasmas carve deep into his skin. And it glows briefly. He looks at Julie sleeping. He looks at Aldo sleeping. And then he looks at Atticus sleeping. He looks at Aldo sleeping. And then he looks at Atticus sleeping. Let's cut to the other scene.

Cut to the other scene. The towel falls. No! No! No. No. And he walks over to Atticus and pulls a dagger from his belt. What?

And he rubs it up and down his clawed foot and starts humming. This is fucked up. What the fuck are you doing? Oh, I've long waited for a moment like this. And it fades to black. It fades to black. It fades to black. Maybe as we come back here

and we see Xantar of the Zugs kick the door open, we see Atticus just kind of look down at his foot like he felt a phantom wind brush against his fur, shakes it off. And we look into the room. Oh, what a room this is.

You see tables and stairs. In fact, as you kick it in, you realize that it was not only unlocked, but a jar. There was a little... There was a little ledger that must have tumbled to the ground holding the door open. Staircase on the southern wall leading up. It looks like it used to be an office, perhaps. There's a low table with several of these ledgers spread out

on it and they look very old and fragile to the touch. What do you do? Atticus goes in and opens up the first ledger he can find. Blows the sand out. You go to pick it up

and it crumbles in your hands because you were too rough with it. He goes... Can I very daintily pick up a ledger? Oh, really? Xantar of the Fugues? Mr. Dance of Dominance? You're going to Xantar gingerly picks up a letter

Get out of here And it stays intact I sniff it and try to lick it It starts to fall apart As your tongue hits the pages What are you doing? It's like disintegrates There is no food here This room is useless Drops the ledger It crumbles starts to fall apart as your tongue hits the pages. What are you doing? It's like disintegrates.

There is no food here. This room is useless. Drops the ledger. It crumbles. There are still several others. Atticus will attempt to open another one. Very gently this time. With your stupid rat hands. You pick up the ledger. Don't laugh at that. Very gently.

And you look at it, and it's very, very strange. You can't make heads or tails of the writing. Give me a society check. Society. Ooh! Hey, fella. 28. Critical success.

Oh, yeah. Nice. That's fun. Josh, you're the best. Terrorgram. Terrorgram. Critical threat. Critical threat. Critical. Critical threat. Critical threat.

Critical. Critical. Critical threat. We need some new 2E drops. We do. I know. Come on, Nick. Come on, Nick.

Too busy. What do you do with your days? It's so important. Spider-Man. Start making us more songs for free. You look at this and at first you think that whoever wrote these

must have been illiterate because it looks like it only mimics written text. But with a critical success you realize the truth. It seems like whoever the bookkeeper was something happened to them where as they were writing, the letters and numbers that they would record would twist ineligibly as they were penned.

Ineligibly? Illegit... Shut up. I just want to clarify for... Is ineligibly a word, though? Yeah, well... Ineligible. Ineligibly.

Ineligible. Xantar looks at them and says, these are uneligible. I see. I understand. They would twist into unreadable words as they were penned,

like perhaps that they were under some spell or curse that would do this to them. Like aphasia. The writer was under a curse or the ledgers themselves? The writer. The writer was under a curse. The writer. Yeah, if you try to cast comprehend languages, Languages, still completely indecipherable. Fascinating.

And are all the ledgers like this? Yeah. They look dutifully maintained, but completely unreadable. It's all very strange. Perhaps if we could take on this curse ourselves, we could learn from this. I'd be willing to do it.

What about you, Aldo? Yeah, I'm going. Sure. Understanding what's happening here is more important than the sanctity of our minds, no? He's getting obsessed with learning what Laos learned. And everything

we find is a dead end. So he's just really willing to go the extra mile to like risk his own sanity to get answers aldo but he does have comprehend languages available to him so let's say that he does like use it if he does do that he would say like well this is probably this is the extent to which not any of our arts could be able to decipher whatever this is. If my magics, if my extracts are not sufficient to figure out what's going on here, I don't think that our brains, even my incredibly powerful brain,

would be able to figure out what this is. All right. I'll believe you for now. Where do the stairs go? Up? Up or down? Up. Up. Santa. Go up the stairs. Check it out.

Yes. As king. And leader. King now. King Xantar of the Zoogs. Why do you laugh? I don't know you're king also. I am.

You really buried the lead there. King of the Zooks. King of the Zooks. So then they raised you and then they coronated you as their king. That is yes. That is yes. That is yes. That is yes. We all say it in unison. And now, that is yes that is yes that is yes we all say it in unison

that is yes I'm catching on to this dream dialect by the way I think we'll be able to communicate soon and I'm going to leap onto the stairs in the most inefficient but acrobatic way

like climb up the side of them and then flip over onto them In the most inefficient but acrobatic way. Like climb up the side of them and then flip over onto the top. All right, so King Xantar of the Zooks. This is the strangest dream I've ever had. King Xantar of the Zooks clumsily vaults over the railing onto the staircase. And the four of you go upstairs. and the four of you go upstairs. You start climbing the stairs and you see they lead to a small room that is identical in size to this bookkeeper's office.

It is sparsely but tastefully decorated. As you're going up the stairs, you see framed paintings of landscapes on the walls. And in fact, they're on the walls of this room as well. You see one that includes a many-spired city with marble walls and brass gates. Another one has a windswept wasteland beneath a distant, ominous mountain. inswept wasteland beneath a distant, ominous mountain, and yet another, a gloomy port city constructed primarily of basalt.

Oh. There is a door leading out to the north, but there is also a person in this room. Oh, okay. Because standing behind the desk in this room is a man with a long white beard. A long white beard and circular shape, Windsor glasses. And this man is dressed in tattered yellow robes that look to be crafted of the material of those thick, heavy curtains that were hanging below.

He's sitting behind a desk, reading a ledger similar to the ledgers you saw downstairs. And both Atticus and Aldo are just struck with this thought that this is Count Hazerton Lyle's IV. What? And he looks up at you as you enter with an expression of surprise that quickly turns to delight.

And he says, Well, hello there. What a pleasant surprise. And then we cut back to Halster. Halster, what have you been doing with this teasing dagger? We must prepare the host. We must have it ready for our lord's bidding. We must.

for our lord's bidding. We must. And you just see Halster one by one delicately manicuring Atticus's claws. Taking whatever sharp points they are to slim ones. And then he pulls out a razor.

I see. Are you turning this into content? Trying out a genuine moment. Can't help it. If the host is to be ready, the flesh must be accessible. It must

come to the surface and you just hear as he takes a straight razor and bangs it on the side of a sudsy bucket and begins shaving your leg up to your waist. Fade to black. I'm genuinely starting to worry about you, Grant.

I know. He's gone rogue. I've put you on the map with this character. Let me blow him up for you. This is what he looks like. Oh, look at that. Oh, that handsome son of a bitch. Wow.

You walk in. He says, well, hello. What a pleasant surprise And then he continues He says I do apologize As I am certain I have met some of you before But your names are escaping me Atticus

Atticus Grimm Grimm yes Atticus Grimm And Aldo Casimir Aldo Casimir Atticus. Grim. Grim, yes. Atticus Grim. And... Aldo Casimir. Aldo Casimir. You wanker!

And you've got a lot of explaining to do! Yes, I imagine this is a lot for you. And what is your name? Sir Julie. Sir Julie. Sir Julie the stupid. And you, I don't believe we've met. I am Xantar of the Zooks.

You guard the passage to the waking world? Let me through! No, I wouldn't say I guard it, although I am... Well, I'm probably in a very similar state to most of you. I imagine you have a lot of questions. May I ask you

where you are coming from and how you ended up here? We'll ask the questions. That is more than fair, more than adequate. All right, I asked you a question. What would you like to ask of me? Where are you?

And how did you come here? Bottlecap. Bottlecap! I asked you second Where am I? And how did I come here? Have you made it? I don't understand the question But I'm here

Where is your body? My body is here as well Who do you think I am? Count Louse I'm here. Where is your body? My body is here as well. Who do you think I am? Count Louse. No. I can see why you would think that, but I am not this Count Louse.

My name is the Yellow King. No. What? Ah, a king like me. Bottlecap. Yeah. Are you royalty as well, filthy dwarf? Ah, I am a king of the creatures known as the Zooks They declared me their leader after I bit off the head of their former monarch

Well, that is one way to gain leadership That is how they do it in America The last six years or so, yeah But no, no, I am not Laos. I could see how you think that. I am the Yellow King. The dreamlands are my home. I imagine just from the look on your faces

that this may be difficult for you to fathom, but you see, while I consider myself a fully intact entity, I consider myself a fully intact entity. In many ways, I am but a piece of the whole that calls himself Laos. The way most of you, as fully formed entities, would only be considered single pieces of the whole of humanity. Does that make sense? No.

I am no human. Right. You are a rat folk. Very well done. How did you get to this intellectual level, Yellow King? I apologize if I am not, I don't want to speak in words that are perhaps too large for some of your intellect, so I'm trying to dumb things down. But wait, you make this your home, you say? Yes, how do I go into this? All right, let me know if you don't follow, but I, the Yellow King, was deconstructed from a greater whole. But seeing as you are perhaps against your will here or want something, it is my belief that the process can be reversed with you. Because you are already deconstructed, I posit.

And he's like reading and thinking and perhaps seek to be reconstructed and the inverse of my experience. He's talking like Willy Wonka talked to you right now. In short, if it is this louse that you are after, that you seek, you can retrace his steps to regain your memories and your whole selves. Yes, yes, you are the ones that don't have your memories anymore. Yes? Yes.

And yet you remember our names. I do, I do. The thing is, at the end of the day, I have very little interest nor knowledge of what Laos is doing, only what he did. So if he has done anything untoward toward you that has miffed you in any way, I hold myself completely innocent. That has

nothing to do with me. I don't know what he's doing. But I know what he did to get you here. So what is it that you are interested in? Where he is? To be a nice start. Well, sadly, I can't recall where he is.

How convenient. Yes, but... I... I believe I can help. See, most of what happened was after my time, so to speak. But I do know the outcome. was after my time, so to speak. But I do know the outcome.

Lyle spoke with an ominous yet perspicacious prophet known as the Mad Poet. Have you heard of this figure? This is a person of which we have heard. Yes, an apt appellation, I assure you. He has unimaginable power here in the Dreamlands, but he is most fickle. Approaching this mad poet without the proper collection of gifts

provokes his ire. He might have nothing to do with you, or worse, eliminate you on the spot. So if you seek to walk in Lyle's footsteps, you must first approach the mad poet, but doing so requires tests.

Can you direct us in these tests, Hastur? Yes. Do you have any of Laal's books, research journals? Yeah. Some. Some. Okay, good.

Well, Laal's learned many great truths from this mad poet. Some truths so mind-shattering, in fact, that that is how I came to be here. Um, what people would call an accident. But I don't consider myself an accident. I consider my life to be special. I'm sure you do. be special. I'm sure you do. In order to approach this mad poet, you need to bring him

certain gifts. And Laos spent a lot of time researching what these gifts are. And these gifts to the mad poet are scattered throughout the dreamlands. So if you wish to walk in Laos' footsteps, you must find these gifts

before approaching the mad poet. And then the mad poet will give you the knowledge that you seek. How can we succeed when Lyle's failed? Lyle's did not fail. He found the gifts. Six or maybe seven gifts. He went and traveled all over the dreamlands

using his dream ritual, found these gifts, and then when the time was right, he approached the mad poet, supplicated himself, gave him the gifts, and the mad poet granted him the knowledge that he sought. Why would he help us if we give him six gifts of which he's already been granted? He is...

Won't he just return them for store credit or perhaps cash? Right. If they have a more generous returns policy. Is he known to be polite, receive them gratefully, saying he doesn't already have one? He is an enigmatic figure. You will perhaps never know what he does with these gifts, but that is not your concern. Your concern is gaining an audience with the

mad poet. Enough talk. Let us fight. I don't wish to come to fisticuffs with you, King, or any of your friends, any of your court. You are a weakling. Well, my strength lies in my mind, in my intelligence, and not in brute strength.

Why don't I just give you the information you need, and then you can get the fuck out of here. That would be wonderful. But let me ask you. Yes. Rat. When we saw you, we were struck feeling that if we knew you as the Count,

this is because you have taken on his visage. Even though you are only a fractal of his mind, you look exactly like him. Yes. Because when the mad poet gave louse this knowledge something happened that perhaps split a piece of louse off and i am that piece these truths that louse learned in a way created me i deem it serendipitous that i do not know what these truths are, for what would such knowledge do to my mind were those truths unearthed? So should you approach the mad poet with these gifts, seeking knowledge,

you too should be careful with what you find, should pieces of you end up here as well. Why help us? Why not? I have no quarrel with you. You seem like good people. And everything I remember of Lowell's... ...seemed like he wasn't such a good person. There we have a court.

So, I'm happy to help. In fact, I remember writing these things down although I wasn't the one writing my consciousness is tied up with Laos but there was a book a book called the dichotomous translations of Aklo syntax we wrote the gifts down

in the flyleaf of that book. Liles then painstakingly scoured his tomes to research each gift one by one, learning where to find it in the dreamlands and then dreaming of that location. I recommend you do likewise if it is the mad poet you seek. Some of the gifts required trickery or guile to obtain, others delicate negotiation, and still others, king, perhaps where you could help, brute force.

Can this poet send me back to the waking world? poet send me back to the waking world? That's an excellent question. I imagine if you were to appease this figure, he would be able to grant you whatever you wish. Then let us find him

and bring him his gifts. Now, I don't remember the minimum number of gifts. Again, it might have been six, might have been seven, but I do think Lyle's got all of the gifts on his list. So if you find these notes in that book, you should get all of the gifts. Where is the book?

Where did you last see it? I don't know. I can tell you're lying. Wait, I remember a chest in a room of an estate on a hill. There are other books there as well. You no doubt have those books in your character sheet. In fact, you, Joe, read off the title, The Dichotomous Transous translations of Aklo syntax.

So I see it right here. In Columbus. You said it too fast, so I wrote down, this time. So I wrote down in my notes, the dichotomous syntax of John translation. Because I forgot one word. I was going to say, Troy, that's on you. You really should have anticipated that. And now I scroll up in my notes, and there she is,

the dichotomous translations of Aklo Syntax. Yeah, you read that in Columbus or D.C. This is what we do in the hotel room. I read my notes back to him from the previous sessions. Perhaps you could make do with fewer gifts, and the mad poet may condescend to converse with you anyway. That's up to you. He is not a man to be trifled with or toyed with, I assure you.

I know this book, Aldo. We have it. We have seen it. We have it in our possession. Yes. All we need do is return to the waking world And we can look We simply need to wake I'm sorry, Xantar

Best of luck What do you mean? No, take me with you Thank you for your service, Your Majesty You have done so much, we cannot ask more How do you wake up? Tell me how to wake up Well, it's complicated, but goodbye No

And I wake up! Well, it's complicated, but goodbye. No! And I wake up. Aldo spends three actions to roll the will save to wake up, and he disappears, and Atticus is left there with Sir Julie and King Xantar of the Zugues, and the Yellow King looks to you, Atticus is left there with Sir Julie and King Xantar of the Zugues, and the Yellow King looks to you, Atticus. It's like, my, how interesting. I should tell you I know the way to the mad poet,

and I can escort you there. In fact, I'm probably the only one that can escort you there. But you should get the gifts first, and then come back to me, and I will take you to his oasis. It's the plot of Dragon Ball Z. Just seven gifts to get a wish from a weird... I will take you to the Mad Poet's Oasis,

and you can petition him for the answers you seek. Dragon Ball Z must have been huge when this book was written. Inception 1, Dragon Ball Z 2. Is there anything else? Then you shall remain here. Yes, this is my home after all. This caravanserai is quite nice with no people in it.

Well, then we shall return quickly. Ah, your majesty. Yes. Fear not. We will not be gone long. The information we seek is going to... We need to learn it from the waking world in order to bring you back.

Stay here. Stay close. What? We shall return. Your mother is alive. It's alive. Sir Julie... It feels like getting gifts take long time. Sir Julie says,

Dummy, let him come. How do you wake up? Oh, it is quite simple. Perhaps the Zoogs would not allow you to do it. I sleep here, but I never wake up. You just need to fall.

Let me hold on to you as you wake give me your hand small Zook like rat thing and he says watch I'll show you and he doesn't know another way to do it and he because it's hard to describe right how to wake up it's a to describe, right? How to wake up. It's a very nebulous sort of thing. And so he says, turns to Xantar and says, do not be alarmed. It is only a lesson.

And he creates an exact replica of Xantar in the room next to him. An illusion. A copy of yourself. Stay calm, stay calm. And he's holding the illusion. Yeah. And I think of it like a dream, right? Like you're seeing yourself in the dream and it sort of makes sense, but doesn't. And then he begins to have the illusion perform these acts that would allow him to wake up.

The way you will wake, I do not know. But you have been most helpful. Perhaps we will meet again in the waking world. I will follow you there, rat creature. Do this. And he does the action. Small this. Small one. Tiny one. My little pet. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I also don't want to fucking wake up because I know what's happening in my body right now. I don't want to role play this. No, you don't. So you wake up. Sir Julie wakes up and you teach Xandar of the Zugs to wake up.

Well, wait, because I wake up before them. You wake up before them. So I wake up and he's immediately like he wants to go. His intention was like go write for this book and start tearing into it to find this stuff. But like as soon as he like opens his eyes a slit he sees what Halster is doing to Atticus's body. holster is doing to Atticus's body and so he's just like and he just he pretends to like be that he's that he's still asleep and he's just watching he's just like what the fuck is he doing Atticus why is he shaving his lower leg and he's just like just waiting to see what he does next. Oh, come on.

I don't want to interrupt. I mean. He could be sleepwalking, in which case it would be dangerous to wake him. Yeah, you don't want to wake a sleepwalker. So he's going to wait and see. Los Angeles, do you want to see what happens next? I'll be back. Atticus is turned face down on the bed,

and you see that the entirety of the rear of his body is shaved. Jesus, what are you doing? And you see Halster pull out a needle like this. Jesus! Jesus! We're going to need three 20-ounce Bud Lights to deal with this. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. They're 25-ounce Bud Lights.

That makes sense. You just undercut this reveal that Grant did with this syringe that he showed us. Sorry, sorry. All right. pulling fluids out of you and injecting a black, inky, umbrous fluid back in. What are you doing? What the fuck is going on? And if you were to take, I don't know,

a Sharpie that once drew dicks and to connect these dots together, it would form a perfect spiral and as soon as he puts those away Halster looks to the right and sees a slit of Aldo's eyes open and he collapses asleep And then you wake up And it's really cold

Yeah It's really breezy down there Atticus wakes up Looks around Everyone else sees that everyone seems to be okay breezy down there. Atticus wakes up, looks around, everyone else, sees that everyone seems to be okay, and looks down at his leg. What? What?

What happened to my leg? And Aldo pops up, and he's just like, I just saw the last few seconds of that. I'm as upset as you are, honestly. I don't know why you did that. Why you did what? Holzer, my best friend, you were shaved. You're still shaved.

And he started injecting you in this spiral pattern. He was pulling stuff out of you and shoving stuff back in. What? I don't know. I don't know what's happening. And you hear, man overboard! Man overboard! Upstairs on the boat.

Oh, let's go reinvestigate this. What? Fuck that. No! No, wait. Wait. All hands on deck. All hands on deck. Let's talk about this on the way up to the upper deck. Injecting me with

what? Maybe the cool river air will give us some insight. I don't know. I'm very confused and upset. You're upset as well. I don't know. I'm very confused and upset. You're upset as well. I can see it. Does he feel like any...

Does he feel sick? Does he feel like any odd... You'd feel like light bruising around the injection points. And you can feel like... Jesus Christ. You can feel a bit of a protrusion in your skin where each one

happens. Oh, no. It's like an allergy test. Yeah, it's exactly like that. Bottle cap. Thank you. Nice, kid. Nice work. Nice work. It's a good grant cap. That's right. You can use that in his reign of winter.

Grant cap. Oh, man, I can use that in his reign of winter. Grant cap. Oh, man, I can't wait for that reign of winter. Man overboard, I'll have some dick. I check, is he just completely passed? I try to wake him up. My new plan is to be asleep whenever you're awake and awake whenever you're asleep. For the rest of the tour. Yeah.

for the rest of the tour. Yeah. So Alizade looks up and he's just like, he's so confused and betrayed by like what, you see Halster, what he did.

And he's just like, come on, come on. And he starts like hustling up to the upper deck. Yeah, Atticus will go and he's just sort of trying to look at it in the best light.

Well, perhaps he meant well. For the sake of the show, I guess. He's a real optimist. Yeah, he's going to be like, maybe Hoster knew something. Something to keep me in the dreamlands longer. I don't know. You can be just as mad as you should be, I think.

Yeah, exactly. But someone is drowning, so let's go save them. Yes, but I don't know any of them, and I don't give a shit. Well, we have to serve with them. We're riding on their boats. All right, they won't even be able to drive it. Go.

Or we won't be able to drive it, so we'll go up on deck. Get the fuck up here. What happened to the dwarf? Where is he? Where is our king? I showed him how to awake. He should wake somewhere. I don't know where.

I don't know how it works. Xandar of the Zugues is nowhere to be seen. Sir Julie wakes up, and she's like, Ah, fuck my back back I can't get up Alright you stay there Rest for two hours We'll be back I'm gonna need four hours I think

Let's go Oh god I might not be able to get up To Linnanapolis And the rest of you We hustle upstairs Hustle up above deck And you see and the rest of you rush we hustle upstairs hustle up above deck and you see

Fingers Old Tool Fanny Creminger Dinky Fuss Tumble who drew the dicks on your faces Spinny Pow Pedro Alicabam Porkchop McIntyre

all on deck and they're pointing into the water and Skywind Freeling is like there's a there's a dwarf in the water there! Help!

There he is! Man overboard! Your Majesty, can you swim? Uh, no. Right, let's save him. So strange. Help me get a net over to him. We can't let a dwarf drown.

A net? Atticus is going to dive off the boat. Atticus! No, you don't know there's an injection. He is our king! And he dives off the boat. And you find that you're swimming better than you ever have because most of your body hair is gone.

The way you glide through the water is just elegant. Michael Phelps? God, the wind resistance alone is gone. He's going to dive into the water and cast, grab... It's all right. It's okay. And he's going to grab onto King Xantos and cast fly. Xantar. Xantar.

Xantos, cast fly. Xantar. Xantar. Xantos. What's that? Xantar of the Zoox. You're drowning and this wet rat comes over to you and... Smells great. He casts fly on you and you start lifting out of the water and realize you can control yourself. And I say, rat friend! I am awake!

I am awake! Yes, go to the boat! Go to the boat! And then he starts taking on water. And, go to the boat. Go to the boat. And then he starts taking on water. He sinks beneath the waves. Because I don't want to live another day after that shit that Halster did to me. It was worth it for you, Santa. Aldo takes an extract off of his bandolier

and drinks it and casts a vestige of his, one of the powers that he had before we switched to second edition. A spell, an extract that I never got to use, casts monkey fish on himself. Oh, the classic! Transforms into a strange amphibious creature and dives into the

water after his friend. You dive in and you turn into a half fish, half monkey. And you slide down and you grab his newly shorn right leg and you pull him up and over to the boat and Porkchop and Pedro

reach down and help you bring this sopping wet rat onto the boat. And Skywin is like, what is going on here? Do you know this dwarf? We saw him in a dream. You saw him

in a dream? Is that the ritual baloney you were doing downstairs? Yes, yes. And here he is manifesting our reality. This place, it is familiar to me. This is where my parents' ship crashed. This is where I slipped into the dreamlands. But so long ago. Yeah, I wish I knew

about waking up. That would have... Because I was there a long time. The one thing you didn't try waking up. I don't...

No one told me. It was astoundingly lucky that you slept in a river all this time. Gently floating with the current. I believe my body slipped into the dreamlands. I don't think I was sleeping under a river.

If we can... So your parent's ship crashed and you fell asleep. No, I think... Okay. It's so boring. Wake me. I'm so bored. I'm going to fall asleep.

I think the ship somehow passed into the dreamlands and I with it. But waking up has brought me back. Yes. It's complicated. It is. Logical is what it is. I've read of this before. Yes.

Let's move on. The book of... This is not interrogation Let's talk about it no more What happened to your leg? I don't want to talk about that either I don't want any funny business on my boat But if you're a friend of theirs

You're a friend of mine I am a king The king of the zoogs Well I'm the king of this boat. And you're going to have to take orders from me if you want to sail on the... Whatever the fuck this thing is called. To sail in Starling. Yeah.

You may be king of the zoogs, but I'm the queen of the sea. I will obey your laws, boat king. But do not cross me. Also, it will be 75 silver pieces, and you have to agree. You have to agree to defend the boat. Don't worry about it. Will this be sufficient? And he pulls a diamond out of his ass.

Oh! I found it on one of my mini-adventures. It's not on my character sheet, but I figure we're improv-ing. Yes. She says, Dinky, go grab that diamond. And Dinky stumbles over and he grabs the gross diamond. Grab the shit-covered diamond. No, Dinky, don over and he grabs the gross diamond.

Grabs the shit-covered diamond. No, Dinky, don't hand it to me. All right, King, you're welcome here. But like your friends, should we run into any trouble, I'll be hoping you'll defend the boat. You can count on my club and on my instincts. Instincts. How do you say that word?

He's just learning our language, the language of the waking. He doesn't know how to speak waking yet. Me am speak, dream speak, long time. Dream speak, long time. All right, it's getting late. You've been doing your weird rituals and your shaving and bringing dwarves back from the dream lands that don't speak our language.

I'm going to bed. Dinky, clean off that diamond and bring it to me. And she goes inside her cabin. And you see Gossa and Revan, the two... So many fucking people on this tiny boat. I know. This boat has to be bigger than what's represented. There would be fucking dysentery.

Everybody would be killing each other. You could not be on a boat this long with like a dozen people. These are the two teachers leaving sabbatical to go back home. Oh, right. Oh, what is going on out here? And he's like, what is this? A filthy dwarf and a shaven rat.

Come on, Revan. Let's leave so we don't need to role play anymore. And they go back into their cabin. What do you want to do? It's late. Do you want to sleep it off? Here's one thing you discover. Upon waking, you're back to, mechanically, full hit points.

You've used no spells. Nothing has, everything you've done in the Dreamlands hasn't affected yourself. So if you weren't fully healed up from Sir Julie's battle medicine, you're back to full. All those spells you cast, with the exception of monkeyfish and fly, are back as well. Monkeyfish is gone anyway because it's not a thing in second edition. It's a relic of your old character sheet. Do you want to try and sleep it off and wake up early and start your studies? Do you want to at least go look at that book?

I would love to, but first my attention is drawn by the syringe, which my best friend used on my other friend to do God knows what. So he's going to go down and do an alchemical lure to see what the substance was that he saw being injected into Atticus. Okay. Unless you don't want to. No, no. I want to see what the hell Grant's thinking here.

Okay. So go ahead and give me an alchemical lore roll. Alchemical lore. That is a 25. What do you think, Grant? Is that good enough for you? What would be the lore that governed the

creature that was last encountered, that was fought? Oh, the formless spawn? Yes. It could be arcana. It could be occult. One of those roles would do. Alright, so learning what he

did from that, he is going to dig deeper into his well of knowledge. Yeah, you look and you're like, this isn't an alchemical substance. This is like some sort of viscous ooze. 34 in Arcana. That's good. That's good. It's as if someone took a scoop of that monster

and put it inside of a syringe. Why? Why? Why did he do this? Did you do something to him when I wasn't around? I don't understand. What did he do to me? He was shooting stuff and sucking it out and shooting other stuff in.

There's stuff from the last monster. Did he seem to like it? I mean, you know, he kept doing it. I mean, I suppose he wasn't completely opposed to doing it because he kept doing it. Was he making those strange holster noises? He was like in some sort of a trance. Wake him up.

Wake up, you stupid bastard he starts kicking him in the side oh no no what did you do what did you fucking do to our friend what happened look and he's shaking the syringe in front of his face what is that

no don't play stop with me what are you yelling at me for why do you have dicks all over your face, for one thing? And second, what were you doing with this syringe? Oh, my back. Quiet down, Julie. Shut up, Julie.

This is not... Shut up. My back hurts. Finally a scene you're not a part of. Right. You maintain your vow of silence. You. What did you do with this syringe?

Why do you have it? What were you doing to him? First off, first off, calm down. Secondly, what dicks are you talking about? You have dicks all over your face. They're literally all over your face.

Please. Look here, and he starts like rubbing at them. There's no less than 20 dicks. There's like, there's one sort of indistinct, but it's still the vague shape of a cock on your face. I have more questions about that, but it's still the vague shape of a cock on his face.

I have more questions about that, but... It's not important! What are you talking about? The syringe! What did you do with the syringe? And he throws the syringe at his feet. What are you... Killing him.

Oh, shit! Shit! A piece of physical comedy from Brad Berger as he flew off his chair. The Buster Keaton of the Glass Cannon Network. Get a little bit of everything here. He throws the syringe at your feet. Do you recognize this?

Just like a shock across his face happens as he remembers something traumatic from his past, but it's as slippery as Atticus after he gets out of the water. It's difficult to hold on to. But he sees something. He feels the same way when he escaped from the fugue state. And he remembers just walking up a spiral staircase that you saw from an earlier flashback on the show.

And he remembers seeing a knight adorned in black armor looking at him from a distance with yellow eyes staring back at him, and he snaps back at him, and he's like, no, no, no, and he kicks the syringe away. I don't know what this is. I don't know, I promise, I promise,

but I just know I don't want it anyway. Wait, wait, wait, come down, come down. Yes, I promise. I promise. But I just know I don't want it anyway. Wait, wait, wait. Calm down. Calm down. Yes. Calm down. Best friend, it's a blessing looking at you. I'm sorry I kicked you several times in your kidneys.

And he sits down like next to him. And he's just like, it's all right. And he puts his arm around his shoulder. He's just like, do you remember anything about this? And I look at Atticus's back and his leg and his finely pedicured

nails. I don't remember. I mean, that, we're not as upset about that part of it, I think. Yeah, Att part of it, I think. Yeah, Atticus is like, I had no idea. You clean up good, mate. You look quite fetching, honestly.

I look amazing. You've got a real gift. I haven't talked to you all about my years in cosmetology school, but I'm saving that one for San Francisco. Do you only have hair in dreamlands? You dreamt that you had hair? No, I had it before. He's done something to me, something he does not remember. I don't, I don't, but I...

not remember. I don't, I don't, but I... Truth be told, I have remembered doing things to other people before. Were they nice things? Well... Um...

They were done nicely if you were to appraise the quality of the work. But they often involved bloodletting and carving of skin. Let's kill this one.

No, no. No, no, Your Grace. No, this is a friend of ours. We must, we must, we must endeavor to understand what has happened to we have lost you we have lost our memories many of our memories we do not know what eat any of us have endured before in the time before we must we must have compassion and hauster just has his fingers interlocked over the spiral that's carved in the back of his head and he's just kind of... And we've all seen the spiral. Yes, yes.

Sir Julie says, she's like, ah, clearly the boy has a madness. He does. I've seen this. I've seen this in the world wound. People sometimes get exposed to the horrors of war and it cracks something in their brain. We call it a madness. You mustn't be upset, Atticus.

He's clearly not in his right mind. You need some rest. We all need rest. Ah, my back. Yes, please, Sir Julie, don't exert yourself. Yes, I'm going to lay back down, but can we all just relax and

move on? Best friend, we should, yes, perhaps we should get some rest. I'll be keeping this though, and he holds up the syringe and like, tucks it into his band there. For safekeeping, you understand. That would be wise. Right, mate.

As we sleep, would you like me to take first watch? Maybe not first watch. I feel terribly upset about what happened. It's not that we don't trust you. But I want to repay you some recompense for what I've... And we are very appreciative of that. But perhaps you should just take the night off. Okay.

All right. You're right. I should... Self-care is very important. So you rest. You rest after a weird night with your new tattooed barbarian friend. Yeah. Yeah. with your new tattooed barbarian friend.

Yeah. Yeah. You wake up, and you get to work, and you look through that collection of books that you took from Iris Hill, and you find the dichotomous translations of ACLO syntax just packed amongst the parcels and you start looking through

until you find a page with some items written on it. Let's go to roll 20. Visual aids. Visual aids. Oh, look at that. Oh, wow hit that i'm gonna hit that zoom icon

damn girl you see a list of items a viscount's signet ring a feline tail in parentheses blue and purple mottled fur a skull of ghoul royalty, a green stone idol of a water lizard, a night hag ambassador's heart stone, a captain's tricorn, and a red webbed

foot. Well, I have that last one. I have a red webbed foot. Oh. Well, that's one off the list. I was just carrying one around. I knew it was fate when we met you. Sometimes I catch ducks.

In fact, what's to say that you don't have the lion's share of what's on this list? He doesn't. So, similar to how you research Lowell's notes in journals to discover the ritual to enter the dreamlands, lands, you can now spend time referencing all of his books to try and find out information on these items and where to find them, because that's what Lowell's did. That's what all these books were for. Now, some of the items will reference books that may be in your wheelhouse Atticus, but not Aldo's, or an Aldo's, but not yours. So you kind of have some options.

You can either combine your powers, because I'm sure even King Xantar has some knowledge he would be able to offer. Yes, I know much of the dreamlands and much of the natural creatures that live there. He's been there a long time. Nature, I have a nature skill. To put it bluntly. So you can either

spread out the research and like, all right, you take the Viscount's ring, you take this, or you can combine your powers to just search one item at a time and get each item done more quickly. Let us work together as a committee.

Yes. Yes, that is how we'll get things done quickly. Complying our powers. Big committee fans in the audience. Yeah, a lot of committee advocates. A lot of good committee. Alright, so do you want to

start with the Viscount's signet ring? Yes. Okay, so over the next all of you are doing it, I would say over the next five days, you start digging through three books in particular, it seems, that reference the Viscount and his world. One is called Elements Through the Spirals of Time. Another one is Spiders of Sin and Sky. And finally, Theological Agreements of the Kingdom.

And as you search through these books, you start to learn some information about this signet ring. You learned that Laos learned that the Viscount, referenced by the mad poet or by the the books that needed to the things that he needed to give to the mad poet is a man named Viscount Pietro Breland is a mysterious but popular noble in the dreamland city of Celefe. According to one of Lowell's travelogues, Celefe is an opulent and populous city in the dreamlands. And although visitors and natives alike experience the passage of time normally in Celefe,

the city itself always appears frozen in time. According to Lowell's notes in the Marginalia, he visited the city at noon and the sun remained at its zenith, even though he spent hours negotiating with the Viscount for his signet ring. Evidently, Viscount Breland is known for hosting these courtly and lavish events. courtly and lavish events. Fearing to lose the Viscount's favor and thus not be invited back to his soirees, attendees will ignore any unusual happenings at these events so as to not offend

the Viscount. And after five days of studying these books, you learn the proper phrase that allows you to use the Dreamlands excursion ritual to reach the Viscount's castle.

Beef indeed. Beef indeed. So, we'll say it's late afternoon. You have this information, and you know that the Dreamland ritual has to be done at night. But now you can enact that ritual again. Instead of going to the Caravanserai, you can go to the Viscount's Castle in Celefe.

Go to a fucking party. It's party time. It's party time. Bro! So, Sir Julie is still, her back is killing her. Oh, come on.

She's like, I can't, I can't do the ritual. You said four hours. It's been five days. I know, but it ended up, I twisted something and I can't do the ritual. You said four hours. It's been five days. I know, but it ended up, I twisted something, and I can't.

I'm useless. I can't. I can't do the ritual. I cannot travel. Take your new friend here. King Xantar. I can't go back. Decades I spent trying to escape.

No, I'm afraid there's absolutely no way I could go on this adventure. They'll need you. You know the closely guarded secret of waking up when one falls asleep. You'll be safe. You can come back whenever you like. I have been, I have walked the streets of Celephes.

A strange place. Full of strange people with their civilized ways. And he hocks up an enormous wet loogie. I will protect you from their wickedness. I think of you

all as my subjects now. Perhaps you should put on some clothes, though, if we are going to go. I can't. I chafe. And I like to feel free. Well, he is a king. It's true.

We've got to do what he says. I suppose they will open that invitation regardless of what he's wearing. Yes, he is royalty. He's our ticket. Yes. He's our ticket, mate. Thank you, your majesty. I'm going to go to sleep now.

Oh. So, yet again, you're going to have to do the Dreamland ritual, where one of you will make the primary check after being aided by several secondary checks. Should you fail, maybe bad things will happen. Should you succeed, you can go straight to the Viscount. Who wants to be the primary checker? Again, will it be

Skid using Arcana, or do you want Atticus using Occultism? I will defer to Skid. It worked the first time. I shall take the lead. I have been studying these rituals. I think I have a good handle on it now. All right, so as an expert in Arcana, you'll be making the final check.

But let's see if your friends help or hurt you. If he's going to make Arcana, you can make the secondary occultism check. Yes. I would think you would want to do religion. Absolutely. And then do you have society or survival, which is better? Probably survival. Okay.

Did you listen to him talk about society? Survival, very good. Society, no so good. No so good. And I imagine you don't have any performance Performance A little bit here and there When I was in Zug college

I Was in Death of a zoo. Death of a zoo. Death of a zoo. Me play bit. Would really prefer to use survival. All right. Let's get that first secondary check out of the way.

I need survival from you, Jared. All right. I have notoriously bad dice. I'm probably almost as bad as Joe. It's just a myth. By the way, if he fails us, it's real bad. Yeah. So he rolled an 18.

Oh. Total? Total. 18 total. Whoa. total is a failure. 18 total is a failure, which means you will now take a minus four on your primary check. Gulp. Let's get a religion check there. Houster the Weird. Houster the Weird, whose

maybe religious tenets have been shaken to their core by these recent observations, but he's an expert. Let's see what happens. 18 on the die for a 32! Oh, is that crit? 32! Come on, crit it! Yeah!

We have a good time. Not a crit. 32! Come on, crit it! We have a good time. Not a crit. Damn it. That is a success, which means no bonus or penalties. I wish you didn't have to worry about getting demonetized, because I wanted to see several more minutes of him dancing. Yeah, I could have gone for a few more minutes of that. Yeah, two videos ago, Careless Whisper played just a little too long for YouTube's liking.

They were like, hey, hey fella. I don't like that. George Michael's rolling over in his grave. That whisper was too careless. That whisper was a little too careless of that whisper, if you ask me. George Michael's rolling over in his grave. Two candles to that whisker, if you ask me. So is Michael trolling over to you? Give me an occultism

check. A crit here would really help, because if you crit, you get a plus two. L.A. Joe. L.A. Joe. Come on, L.A. L.A. Joe. Let's do it, baby! Come on! Give it to me! That is a 25 Basic success

No bonus Or penalty Is that the bar for Joe? Yeah Basic success Yeah Yeah That was the saddest applause that you got.

Yeah, yeah. X go give it to you. Come for you to get it on your own. X go deliver. Skid, you're going to take a minus four to this check. Wait, he got the, didn't he get the? Success, success means no bonus or penalty. A crit would have given you a plus two.

Last time you had that crit. Now, we start a session with a bottle cap. get the success success means no bonus or penalty a crit would have given you a plus two last time you had that crit um now we start a session with a bottle cap you know what i mean uh so you have a cap going into this something to think about it obviously it's a big role i help you friend you tried to help didn't work out too well mates all right so right, so I do have a bottle cap in reserve. A daily cap. I will probably use it here if this doesn't go well. Let's, here's our first attempt. That is, oh, fuck this.

All right, this is a 23. With the minus four? With the minus four. Okay. So that's a 10 on the die.? With the minus 4. That's a 10 on the die. This is the worst result. The absolute worst result.

That's got to be it. Do it again. I don't know. All right. All right. Turn me around again. Oh, no! Natural nine. It's a 22.

Fail. Was the other one a fail? The other one was a fail, too. Okay. All right. Good call. It's okay, Skip. Here's the thing.

It wasn't a critical failure. Right. So you just fail to project yourself into the dreamlands. But now it's a new day. So let's just very quickly do it again. Hey. I don't want to go back. No, come on.

I can't go back. Relying on you, my liege, you must dig deep. We can't get an invite without the king. Come on. Very well, me-em try again. Me-em try again. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. That time, 25. Oh! Success. Success, 25.

Success. Success, dude. Would you cast your character as played by Tim Allen? That's amazing. No. No. Here comes me. That's a 15 for a 29. That's a pass. No. Here comes me. Uh, that's a 15 for a 29.

That's a pass. Okay. Right now, cumulative zero. Come on, O'Brien. Obviously got this. Obviously 29. Oh! Yes!

Oh! Boom! Three successes. Come on, Skid. Okay. Skid. No penalty this time. Now, you're out of caps.

No penalty, but your buddies do have caps Give me this roll A day has passed and I'm tracking these days Okay, alright This is a plus 17 to this roll Natural 16 Oh baby Larry Legend. 33.

King Xantar of the Zoogs holds that little miniature staircase in his hands, feeling each one of the 70 steps as he focuses on survival for an hour before handing it to Halster Price, who then focuses on his god, touching all 70 steps. The staircase feels larger, heavier in his hands, and then he hands it over to Atticus Grimm, who uses his occultism, feeling each one of the 70 steps,

the staircase getting larger and larger, before he hands it to Aldo Casimir, who's holding this big fucking staircase, feeling all 70 steps. You complete the ritual. The staircase hits the floor and goes straight into the boat. You descend

into the lands of dreams. Into the lands of dreams. You descend and you're just walking, walking, walking. You look back up and you still see the boat and you keep walking into darkness. But as you're walking, you start to hear music.

Music like strings, violins, and courtly fucking music. There it is. There it is. There it is, baby. God, I wish we could play that.

Fuck. Yes. DMX is DJing the Viscounts party. Wow. Celefe seems pretty cool.

This is an awesome part I like this They are a wicked people I just love walking up to the castle Just feeling the bass from outside Do you have any string quartet? I'm working on it. I think I have. Maybe this?

Oh! Fuck yeah, dude! Nailed it! Fuck yeah. That's what you hear. And you just see up ahead lights. Lights of a beautiful parquet floor. And you walk and all of a sudden you find yourself

in a crowded ballroom of cavernous proportions. Easy. Easy, my liege. Don't get overexcited. We've only just walked through the door. He's got a freaking ten-foot club. Me on list. Check again, me on list.

I stealthily... stealthily lurk behind a tapestry. You're in this ballroom, and it is several hundred feet wide, and it's lit by a reddish light of sunset that is coming in through the west-facing windows. It is currently thronged with thousands of attendees in courtly dress, filling the entire ballroom, and you just find yourselves kind of in the middle of all of it, and you look back to where the steps were,

and they're gone. This is awesome. Yeah, this is awesome yeah this is pretty fucking cool you're in this ballroom and there's people everywhere and even though they're dressed very nicely no one bats an eye at you no one acts like anything's different and so you look around and you see that many of the people are dancing. Some of them are conversing in small groups or enjoying hors d'oeuvres presented by liveried servants. You see here and there a slim gray cat winding its way through the dancing party goers. There's cats everywhere just kind of dancing around

people being weird. Now, although most of the party goers appear well-to-do, dressed in fine clothes, gaudy jewelry and whatnot, you see other attendees wear clothes that are threadbare or several decades out of fashion.

So you're like, okay, we're not going to look weird either. Any new tattooed dwarfs? Behind one of the tapestries, you see King Centaur peeking out. Stay there. You look great. Is there any food? Oh, yeah, there's people walking by.

I scuttle up to the hors d'oeuvres and grab a bunch and then go back behind the tapestry. You just see the tapestry moving with its chewing. Lunges out of the tapestry, grabs a bunch of food. Let's go to a new... He's shoving salmon toast in his face.

Let's go to a new... He's shoving salmon toast in his face. Let's go to a new map. Oh, dear. Oh! My goodness, Mr. LaValle, you have been working. Yes, I spent a lot of time copying and pasting the same five people.

It was exhausting. There are so many septuplets here Very strange Everyone be on your guard Now you gotta imagine Obviously there are windows Over to the west here That's where the sun is coming in

But what the map doesn't show Is the ballroom stretches Hundreds of feet down And also to the east And it's just full of people. This is just a small smattering of what it looks like. And you see a dais. A dais that is surrounded by guards and other people

and a man sitting atop a throne. There's a lot going on here. Like I said, you see the dancing and you see people talking and eating. And then at some point as you're keeping an eye on Xantar behind the

tapestry, just chowing on Canapé, you see a man very well dressed but maybe he's had a little too much to drink. And he's tripping over himself a bit and he bumps into a woman holding a wine glass. And the glass falls from her hand and just shatters on the floor. And there's this like pause, ever so slight in the general hubbub of the room. There are musicians placed at each of the windows

all the way going down that are creating this music. And maybe there's even like a slight pause in the music, but it's just like secondary. We're having a good time. We're having a good time we're having a good time with our old buddies and in that pause suddenly this like thick

rope comes out of the ceiling and just comes flying down and like wraps itself around this guy and he gets pulled up and you just hear oh god and a squish sound, and then just like, blood, blood, blood.

This is so fucked up. Blood, blood, and then like, this green and black slime comes down as well, and everyone who stopped for a second just goes right back to what they're doing, and a bunch of servants come by and they just start cleaning and laughing

and smiling. And we'll see you in San Francisco. Oh no! God, we need to get into this party, man! Ellen! Thank you, guys. Outro Music you