The Glass Cannon Podcast - Strange Aeons Episode 42 – Wrecking Ball

Episode Date: August 9, 2022

The boys made their first stop in San Francisco, but it certainly won't be their last as the crowd was one of the hottest in Glass Cannon Live! history! It was a wacky night in the Dreamlands as the heroes found themselves at an opulent party in a strange city, having to fulfill an odd request. Join Troy Lavallee, Joe O'Brien, Skid Maher, Grant Berger and Matthew Capodicasa as they tour the country playing the Lovecraftian Horror Strange Aeons Pathfinder Adventure Path. Watch the video here: https://youtu.be/_Eqe0-n1S4Q Recap 13:43 Gameplay 19:57 For more podcasts and livestreams, visit glasscannonnetwork.com and for exclusive content and benefits, subscribe today at patreon.com/glasscannon. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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a sweet phone plan, Netflix, Disney Plus, and Amazon Prime. All starting at just $99 a month. Stack more, spend less. The Happy Stack, only at Coodle. Conditions apply. Chanty was going to take me on a trip to the place he's from. From the producer of Megan, Five Nights at Freddy's, and The Black Phone. Alice! Alice! Alice! Get out!

Now. Many kids have imaginary friends. Ready or not. Just because you stop believing in them doesn't mean they're gone. Here he comes. And they're angry you left. Imaginary. Now playing only in theaters. Frisco Joe! Frisco Joe! Frisco Joe! Frisco Joe! Frisco Joe!

Frisco Joe! Frisco Joe! I love it! Yes! If you're going to San Francisco, everybody! Be sure to wear a flower in your hair. How we doing, San Fran? What's up, San Fran? Hell yeah!

I gotta admit, it's a little weird coming here. We don't normally perform in such stuffy, conservative towns like this. You know how we'll change our comedy for the night. What a cool-ass venue, huh?

The Independence is great? This place is great. Right behind us, like a block away, is the park with all the houses, the painted ladies that they show in the opening credits to Full House, which is ironic

because we've got a full house tonight. We really do. Is that... Is there a bunch of Batmans up there? You see Batman? Yeah, there's like several silhouettes in the distance in the dark. The plural of man is men, by the way.

Batman. Batman, yes. Would you say Batman? Yeah, sure. Yeah, I don't like that I can't see their faces. I know, I don't like it either. Is there a shooter up there? Careful.

Just waiting for them to swoop down on you. They feel like they could just put their thumb down and we'd have to kill each other. Listen, I normally make fun of cities here up top, but I cannot make fun of San Francisco because this is a great fucking town. This is a great town. You don't give them any material. There's no material.

I've been sitting all day trying to think of something negative. I can't do it. I shit you not. If it was this kind of weather eight months out of the year, but then it was still really cold and snowy during the winter months, I would move here. But I need the snow. I need the cold. I need it. I can't

have a Christmas that's like breezy and 70. I'd kill myself. I would kill myself. It's not called baby, it's 70 and foggy outside That doesn't work But yeah

You need the cold You need the snow Or at least some rain It rains like twice a year October to March I want it cold Get rid of the hippies And I'll move here

I promise Push them all into the bay Add some snow And I will move here tomorrow. Are there any hippies here tonight? Get out of here! Get out! There's still a lot here.

I strictly said no hippies. They were supposed to ask at the door. No long hairs, we said. No long hairs need apply for the VIP list. You're like a jam band. Don't come in here. Sign, sign, everywhere is sign. As most of you know by now, of course,

Matthew Capitacazza had to sit out this week. It was, yeah, it was weird not having someone look down their nose and judge us all weekend. Yeah, it was weird having no one to hold us back in the green room. Yeah. So it got really

out of hand back then. It turns out we do need him. Yes. Yeah, the Jared thing was a big swing in the other direction, too. It wasn't like a neutral.

It was a big swing. I remember I just brought out a huge bag of cocaine. Do you remember that? Yeah, and I was like, who wants to go skiing? I said. That's right, that's right.

Direct quote. That's right. Give it up for old baby Jared Logan, everybody! Old baby! Jared! Jared! Jared Logan.

I'm full of shawarma and ready to play. Jared, you drove here with Joe from L.A. to SF, and we would have happily flown you, but you said, no, I'll go with Joe, because not only are you a company man, but you're also a man

who has not known Joe long enough to know the dangers of prolonged exposure to him. Yeah. Well, I always say that's the best way to take a road trip with somebody, someone who you're friends with, but you don't know super well.

So we sort of interviewed each other about our lives. And now I'm good on Joe and don't need it together. You're the experts on Joe. I summed up my life in 36 minutes. This is the interesting things in my life. It went quick. It went quick. Yeah, no, it's a bummer that Matthew's

not here, but this has been great to have you, and thank you for doing this. Thank you, Jared. Thank you, buddy. Please. I was doing nothing at home. Well, now let me introduce you to three men who remind me of the 2022 NBA champion Golden State Warriors.

They remind me of the Warriors because I hate them! Four rings, Troy, four. Yeah. Congratulations to those Warriors. Man, just the better team. Yeah. You know what? Not only the better team, but it was just more heart. Yeah. It to those Warriors. Man, just the better team. Yeah. You know what? Not only the better team, but it was just more heart.

Yeah. It was more heart. Just more likable, top to bottom. Yeah, top to bottom. There's just something about them that just made me want to root for them. Yeah. They didn't phone it in. You know what I mean?

Didn't phone it in. Like, just half-ass. Really, when the chips were down, they delivered. And you can't say that about every NBA team, you know? I'm still not over it. It really is too soon. It's really not cool. Well, first up is a man who was disappointed to find out that the San Francisco Giants were a baseball team

and not a chance to be reunited with one of his people's long-lost clans. Give it up for Grant Berger! The Berger! If you felt an earthquake today, that was Grant running over the Golden State Bridge. Or Golden Gate, whatever the fuck it's called. How'd you do it? You went running. How many miles today?

7.55, and I got to see the Painted Ladies. Alright. There's a good one. That's for my dating profile. There aren't too many shows you pay to go to that are actually just trip slideshows. Here was my trip to San Francisco.

I think it's weird we're showing the whole thing, to San Francisco. I think it's weird we're showing the whole thing, but keep going. I think it's a great thing to show people the city they live in. That's what they're very excited about. Are you having a fun time? Having a great time. Ran 7.55 miles

and enjoying celebrating pride in San Francisco. Happy pride, y'all. Big pride time. Happy Pride. Well, I'm glad you could make it. It was the sincerity of that statement that really rung true with me. Not everyone did make it,

so it's fair to say. And it's just a nice thing to say, and I'm learning to do that. Just say these little niceties. You'll pass the Turing test someday. Next is a man who is thrilled to just come to San Francisco and relax, and not have to run around staking claim to land, searching for gold. Give it up for Skidmore, everybody!

Hey! Give it up for Skidmore, everybody. You. Skid. Skid. Thank you. Skid, you old prospector. How are you, buddy?

Great, great. I also love it here. Thank you. I wanted to give a shout-out. We didn't really get a chance. We have so many friends that have come to see us in L.A. and here today. I don't want to leave anyone out,

but I do want to give a shout-out to some people who aren't here, but were in L.A. Well, Samantha's here, my girlfriend. She's up in the John Wilkes booth up there. We've been having a great time. Del, father of the 8669 rule who killed Nico. He was here in L.A. You've got to shout him out.

Also, my friend Tom Breifogle, who is on the Franchise Fan Guys podcast with me. We finally got to meet in person for the first time. We've spent like 300 hours talking on podcasts together. Finally met him. If you saw a guy, looks just like Moby with a very lovely wife. That was Tom Breyfogle down in L.A. And yeah, we're having, this has been an amazing trip except for everything that I experienced in downtown L.A. So this is way better.

This town is 100,000 times better than Los Angeles. Better than Los Angeles. And then he immediately sips a 25-ounce Bud Light. That's right. His third of the night. Well, finally, is this bag of cottage cheese wrapped in a T-shirt next to me. Let me tell you about this guy.

He got a rental car to drive from L.A. to San Francisco. I have to tell this story. Come on. He's such a piece of shit. He got a rental car to drive. He got the rental car because somebody had to drive the merch up, and we just realized too late, like, shit, we've got to get the merch up here.

We don't want to ship it and have it not hit SF from L.A. So he got the rental car. Obviously, Jared went with him. And he arrived yesterday, one minute after the rental car place closed. And then today, he just forgot to return it. So it's really an amazing...

This is my car, right? I own this car. It's so weird. I own a car out of California. I don't live in California. Just the combination of bad luck and stupidity of one person is astounding. The look on his face during lunch when he realized

was incredible. I want to bottle that look and savor it. We were eating some sushi and he was like Ha! Ha! Tuna came flying out of his mouth. You might call him Frisco Joe I call him San Francisco Give it up for Joe O'Brien everybody If you're going

Frisco Joe Frisco Joe I love it Frisco Joe! Frisco Joe! I love it! Frisco Joe! Frisco Joe is, among all of them, is the Joe I aspire to be. This is the greatest city I've ever been to in my life. It's your final form.

Everywhere I went... What did you say? It's your final form. Yes, yeah, I think that's what it is. It is my ultimate... It is my self-actualization, would be Frisco Joe. Frisco Joe. Everywhere I walked today, I was like, that is an amazing picture.

That is an amazing picture. This should be a painting. Like, everywhere in this city. It's unbelievable. Frisco Joe. Frisco Joe. Frisco Joe loves architecture. He does.

And in my defense, I valeted the car. And I never drive a rental car to any of these shows. And so in the morning, I was like, Golden Gate Bridge. And I completely forgot that there was a car in the hotel that I am responsible for. And then, yeah, we were sitting at lunch. It was a very calm lunch. And Gran very calmly was like, am I driving tonight, or are we getting a lift, or what's the plan?

I was just like, oh my god! Like, out of nowhere. I woke up at like 8.30, and you were gone, which was weird, and I was hungover, and I texted my wife, and then she didn't write back to me, and I was like, am I dead?

Did I die? Is this heaven? It was very strange. You were really up and at them today. Yeah, I was. I was very excited. I ran all the way to the Golden Gate Bridge. That's what you look like, Joe. Joe, you look like that dog that can't have the cupcakes.

That's pretty much it. Yeah, I ran to the Golden Gate Bridge. I never saw it Yeah I ran to the Golden Gate Bridge I never saw it I ran to it Not to run over it but to run like Near it by the water to see it's majesty Across the bay And I sent my parents the picture

I wish Grant had it queued up It's just clouds I didn't see anything And I was exhausted and my knees and ankles Hurt so bad and I just turned around And I was exhausted and my knees and ankles hurt so bad and I just turned around and I walked home. Should have taken

the rental car. Too bad you didn't have a car. You could have just driven. Really would have made that easier. God damn it. We got some wonderful Pliny the Elder from Sazul.

Where's Sazul at? Pliny, Pliny, thank you so much. Thank you. Oh, over there. Don't threaten me with a good time, you son of a bitch. This is delicious. Thank you. Ooh, sorry, I got excited.

Oh, oh, oh. Get back in there, fella. All right, let's keep the show clean. We have quite the show ahead of us tonight. Did everybody listen to the L.A. show? You caught up? All right. Oh, this is good.

Things are about to get weird. Grant, take it to the recap. Good buddy. Oh. Oh. Oh. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. melted gold I love it solid gold

that might have been sand too it's a nice it looked like popcorn it did popcorn kernels yeah I thought it was Reese's Pieces for a second

yes I was like is this the start of an AMC movie? Let's go. Where's the Cole Kidman? What's happening? We'll do word scrambles of Matthew's name. Is that Capitacasa?

The L.A. show, was it two nights ago or was it seven weeks ago? Because I feel like I've been in California for a month and a half. That show was hot, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say tonight's show is going to be even hotter. It might not be, but that also is just a nice thing to say. Get people fired up. Tell you about our heroes. They've been trying to find a man

who, in an effort to raise his stature in the academic community, he traveled to the dimension of dreams to research perhaps world-shattering knowledge that has never been discovered on the material plane. While in the dreamlands, this man, whose name is Count Hazerton Liles IV, met a person known as the Mad Poet, who revealed some sort of knowledge to him. But in order to even get a chance to speak to this figure, Liles had to travel across the dreamlands in search of gifts to give the Mad Poet, for fear he would not speak to him, or even worse, destroy him. Laos found these items, met the mad poet,

and somewhere in that meeting, our heroes' minds and memories were sacrificed, and they were put in an asylum to die. Here you go, you dummy. We're having a good time. The second I do the recap, he's got a million things to say. Well, they're out of the asylum, and while their past is still cloudy, they are hot on Lyle's trail. They boarded a boat, and they're heading south in search of Lyle's.

But in the meantime, they've discovered and enacted the ritual Lyle's used to enter the dreamlands, and they found themselves in the middle of a desert, outside of an abandoned way station. They soon realize, in fact, that it is not abandoned. They're attacked by living dreams, haunts, nightmare oozes, but they also find a lost soul in there. A man who appears to have spent most of his life in the Dreamlands after being separated from his family, his mother, long ago.

Raised by a family of tentacled-faced squirrel monsters known as Zoogs, this man has clearly had a rough go of it in the Dreamlands. And all he's ever wanted to do is to return home and be reunited with his family.

That man is named King Xantar of the Zoo. Yes! With their new friend in tow, our heroes ascend to the second floor of the caravanserai where they meet a man dressed head to toe in yellow robes, a man some of you recognize as Count Liles. But he insists he is not Liles. He is, in fact, the Yellow King, a splintered part of Liles' consciousness that came to be when the mad poet shared truths with the real Liles that fractured his mind and left a piece of it behind in the dreamlands. The yellow king explains that Laos researched far and wide to try and find the

locations of seven specific gifts to give to the mad poet, and he wrote the names of those gifts down in one of his books. If the heroes find those gifts and return to the way station, the yellow king can escort them to the mad poet's oasis, for he remembers the way. So you awoke back on the boat along with your new friend Xantar and get to work. You find the list of seven items and work together, combing through Lyle's tomes about each item, the first of which is a Viscount's signet ring. You discover that the ring in question belongs to a Viscount Pietro Brellin, a noble living in the dreamland city of Celefe, who is known for hosting luxurious galas where the attendees are very careful not to do a single thing out of place

for fear of losing the Viscount's favor and not getting invited back to his sweet parties. You enact the Dreamlands ritual which takes you two nights this time after a failed attempt the first time and you find yourself in an enormous ballroom full of thousands of people dancing, talking, and enjoying a party

in a city where time does not move and the sun never sets. On a dais far to the south sits presumably this Viscount whose signet ring you seek. He's surrounded by guards, valets, well-wishers. And as you take in this crazy scene, you see a visibly drunk man bump into a woman,

knock her wine glass out of her hand, and then suddenly a rope of some sort flies down from the ceiling, pulls this man up, and then you just hear screaming and little drips of blood. So fucked up. Followed by drips of black and green, and then

a bunch of servants come over and just clean it up. Let's go to the map. Look at this amazing map that I spent a lot of time on As I said in LA That this would actually To the north there

It would just keep going That was good the way you cut it off Just imagine it just keeps going Thousands of people And you four dummies You see these people just partying Hanging out There are windows

Windows that look on to the city beyond And musicians are standing in front of these windows Playing songs Do you have that cool music you were playing last time? That string music? I deleted all of it That's not... I'll bring it back

I have it This is some party not. I'll bring it back. I'll bring it back. I have it. Let's go give it to you. This is some party. That made me... I made myself laugh so hard about it in LA. I'm sure I found it funnier than anyone else did. I'm with you, man. Just the idea of walking up to this count's house

and just the bass thudding out of the walls of a college party. Chef's kiss, kid. Chef's kiss. Thank you. Thank you. I'll give it to you. You stand there. If you look out the windows, you see the reddish light of sunset coming in,

but you know that sun will never set. But beyond the windows, you see an enormous city of marble buildings, high columns, and beyond this opulent city is an enormous mountain crowned with snow. And there's the sun hanging just a fraction above the horizon. Horizon. Horizon. As they say in this land. Horizon Zero John.

Bam! Strong start. Bottlecap. Good save. Horizon Zero John. Thanks, buddy. I needed that save. Horizon zero job. Thanks, buddy. I needed that save. He's always there to pick you up when you fall.

Horizon. The sun's hanging there, and there's a quartet of musicians playing this elegant music in front of every single window. There it is. There it is. To the south here,

you see this high platform bearing a throne with a commanding view of the festivities just rising above the ballroom. And this man sitting above the throne taking it all in. What do you do? Aldo huddles up with the other three and says, I've got an inkling about what he's still got. He's got Werner writhing around in his goiter in his neck. He says, I've got an inkling

that we don't want to rock the boat here. I think that we've got to try to maintain etiquette as best as we can because I think we've seen what happens if somebody shakes things up and he sort of like looks over at Xantar. I will challenge him for his ring.

I don't believe that would be the best tactic. I will make a show of strength. He will cower in fear. He is soft. Ah! What? Too loud? It's all right.

He's just had too much to drink. I'm so sorry. Santa. Santa. Ah! His weakness of body is not of concern here. He could quite quickly take you from one of these ropes to the ceiling and crush you in one move. Be very careful.

So I just mingle then? Yeah, just mingle. You look like you'd be amazing at mingling. I want to say be yourself, just be yourself, but don't. Don't do that. Whatever the opposite is of what you would do, do that. Think of what someone spineless and weak would do. And do that exactly.

I will try. It is very hard for me to be weak. I am a creature of strength and power. Of course, Your Grace. We must rise to the moment. Very well. I will act as you soft, civilized people do. And he takes a flute

of champagne off of a tray, and then he just bites into it. Gently nibbles the blood. He's just chewing on glass. All right, well,

we'll get as far as we can. How about that? Atticus, taking Aldo's lead, agrees completely, and he feels comfortable in this setting for some reason. He feels that he's been in situations like this before, trying to mingle with the aristocracy despite him not being part of that aristocracy. So he would like to try to mingle with the aristocracy despite him not being part of that aristocracy. So he would like to try to mingle with a few guests and find out information, basically.

Okay. Oh, hello. Oh, good evening. What is your name, good sir? I'm Atticus of the court of Baron Hess. Oh, the court of Baron Hess. I have not heard of him. Not heard of the court of Baron Hess. Oh, no court of Baron Hess. I have not heard of him. Not heard of the court of Baron Hess.

No, no, I do apologize. I don't mean to offend, but I've never heard of Baron Hess. This is very strange, but I will not hold it against you. Atticus, you said? Atticus. And you, sir, your name? Well, I, of course, am the Duke Bernie Trombley.

Bernie Trombley? Yes, Bernie Trombley. Well, I, of course, am the Duke Bernie Tremblay. Bernie Tremblay? Yes, Bernie Tremblay. Perhaps you've heard of me. The Duke Tremblay, of course. I am honored. And he steps back, knowing the rank of Duke is badass as fuck. So he takes a gentle step back, bows. And he bows for you and goes a little lower

with his bow. And so he goes like a little down lower. I'm trying to figure out how they do it here. That's quite low enough. Oh my god. He stands back up. The Viscount is... Isn't this lovely?

This party is so nice to be invited to this party. It is quite lovely. Is it something he does quite often, or is this a rare event? Oh, no, no, this is something he does quite often. It is quite an honor to get invited, as I'm sure you know since you are here. No, it is my first. Oh, it is your first. To be honest, I'm quite nervous.

Oh, well, I can understand that. I remember my first party Oh, it is your first. To be honest, I'm quite nervous. Oh, well, I can understand that. I remember my first party at the Viscounts. I was very nervous as well, but I know how to do things here, and I've grown quite accustomed to my parties here at the Viscounts. Well, I would very much like to speak to the Viscount, thank him for his generous invitation. Is that something that would be frowned upon at this stage of the evening? No, no, I think that should be fine,

provided you act as, I'm sure, a man of your stature, working for the Baron Hess, as it were. The Baron Hess, as it were. Yes, I'm sure if you approach him in a genteel manner, he would receive you, yes. He would be quite interested to meet you

if it is your first time, I'm sure. Excellent, excellent. I shall try to talk to him. I need to thank him. All right, well, yes, sir. It was a pleasure meeting you. Atticus Grimm, was it? Atticus Grimm is a pleasure meeting you, sir. Yes. Yes.

What was my name again? Bernie Trombley. Yes, Duke Bernie. Best of the evening to you. And to you as well. He'll come back over to Atticus. I believe we can speak with him. I believe he will take attendees and allow them to speak with him. Good.

You seem quite skillful in talking to that sort of upper crust sort of person. Yes, I don't know where quite it comes from. I think I have a feeling that I deeply despise them, but I know how to mimic their ways. Oh, it's quite interesting, isn't it? It is. It's funny, isn't it? We don't know where we came from,

and maybe you are royalty, like in your background or something. Well, perhaps royalty do despise royalty. Or perhaps you just don't like yourself. I'm really digging deep here here I'm just throwing it out I don't know I like you We were in service of the Count Were we not

So perhaps we were at some of these very events That's our experience Shining through Yes What about you Halster Are you feeling comfortable in this situation Well I I'm a little shy to admit,

but I'd rather like the idea of dancing. Mate, I think you should... She should dance, yeah. Take a dance. Would anyone like to waltz with me? There is a question, though. Are you quite good at dancing? If you don't know how to do it, it could be rather bad.

And he looks down at the medium armor, just the chainmail all over him, and realizes what an effing mess he's gonna make if he dances and steps on someone's foot accidentally. Um, maybe, um, Xantar? Ah! Would you fancy

a dance with me? I will do a dance of the Zooks. Excellent. Perhaps you should lead. The dance of praise. I will show through my body that I am happy to be here

and that I am thankful and gratitude for the food that has been provided. Ah! Ah! Are we dancing together? Is that what you're... Yes.

Okay. Oh, yes. Very well. Follow my lead. And I pull you out onto the floor. And Atticus will go to one of the musicians and say, perhaps something a bit more exciting.

Pepe, Pepe, Pepe, Pepe. Zuki. Do you think Zuki plays that? And they stop and start something a little Pepe-er. That's nice. I look, Xantar looks over at you like, okay, I guess this will do. And then it's sort of like a tribal Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! I love it! Yes! Yes! This is going to get us killed, isn't it? You are pressing every button I know. It sure is. You are pressing every button on Troy right now to just like rope. As you're doing the Lombada, everybody roll a perception check.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no. Oh. Are there kids to be worse? 25 for IT kids. Anybody get higher than 25? 16 for Aldo. Yeah, this is not good.

Natural one for a 17. Well, you're too busy dancing. I imagine you're all focused on this, but Atticus, as you're watching them boogie down, you hear something above, like a clicking. Oh, no. And you just look up, and it's just pitch black up there, but there's like crisscrossing patterns of darkness above, and you hear something moving around up there. We'd better end the dance.

I think we've made your point. Step away. Yes, yes. Lovely. Lovely stuff. Well Step away Yes, yes, lovely Lovely stuff Yes, of course You've all just been treated to the traditional Dance of the zoos Halter crosses his legs in curtsies Shall we

Indulge These ambassadors from a far away land I do not know your ways. I performed a dance of gratitude. I hope you will take it in the spirit it was intended. Okay. All right. You best keep your thoughts to yourself. I do not know your ways!

You're still naked, too, right? I am very naked. And for some reason, his muscles are always covered in perspiration. Sweaty is one of my favorite character traits. I'm very, very happy with that. And no one bats an eye at you. No one looks at you strangely at all. You're just naked, and no one gives you the time of day.

Could I do a roll on this? Yeah. Could I? Perhaps an occultism roll or an arcana roll to see if maybe there's something in the dreamlands where people don't notice things for a certain reason or not, or they don't want to or need to. I don't know. Can I try to rule out cultism? The research that you gained when you were looking through Lyle's weird dance because people don't want to offend the Viscount.

Do we see any evidence of the city being frozen in time? You mentioned that last time. Yeah, like you've been here at this point maybe 15, 20 minutes and the sun hasn't moved at all. But the people are moving. The people are moving, yeah. But outside the windows, time seems frozen. Atticus

would like to approach the Viscount. Alright, so you start approaching the dais and there are several attendants, guards, functionaries clustering nearby, ready to serve the Viscount at a moment's notice. He's sitting atop his throne. As you get closer, you start to see a little more what he looks like.

And he's a rather urbane and handsome man, high cheekbones, blonde hair, sympathetic green eyes as he looks over the fete. He has more lavish clothing than anyone there, even the nicest clothing you've seen, his exceeds even that of the most finely dressed guests now

something strange happens as you approach because for all intents and purposes he looks pretty healthy but as you watch him lean over to talk to someone he starts coughing and as he coughs, like a tar-like phlegm comes out of his mouth. He's like, bleh, bleh, bleh!

And like a tar-like phlegm comes out, and it stains his chin and the frock around his neck. And no one even bats an eye at it, or watches it, or makes any notice of it. Let me show you a picture of this. Oh my god.

I don't know if I want to see this dude. or makes any notice of it. Let me show you a picture of this. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I don't know if I want to see this dude. Oh, no. Oh, okay. Okay. Oh, a fancy lad. Yes, he is a fancy lad. I hates them fancy lads.

Look at that. What do you call that thing around his neck? That's a ruff. Yeah. So it's all stained with this tarry phlegm. Can you see it here on the screen? Yeah. Yeah.

I can make it a little bigger. He's also rather handsome. Green eyes, reddish brown hair. And he seems to be lightly, gently dabbing the horror black phlegm from his lips. As if nothing were wrong. May I roll a medicine check? I don't know what I'm talking about. Can I roll a medicine check?

Sure, sure, sure. 24. You have no fucking idea what's going on. No shit, seriously. That is not normal. Atticus, can he... How close can he get to him? Can he walk up the stairs?

As you start to approach, you see all the guards sort of look at you, but no one tries to intercept you. So he'll say, excuse me, excuse me, so sorry, so sorry. And he moves past them, if they allow, and up the steps. Yeah, and as you do,

the Viscount looks towards you. Oh, hello. And what might your name be? Oh, shit. Good evening, Count Brelin. Oh, Viscount. Sorry. Pietro Bell Brelin, yes.

Viscount. What is your name? I fucking hate this already. It's horrible. I am Atticus Grimm. Oh, Atticus Grimm. Court magician to Baron Hess. A magician and a magician to a baron, no less.

How lovely. Welcome to my soiree. I must say, I don't recognize you as residents of Salafay, you and your friends. Where do you come from? We have traveled quite far

indeed. We have come at the Baron's behest to entertain your guests and hopefully improve the happiness of your party. You're here as entertainers? I don't remember hiring any entertainers of your sort.

You said the name was Baron Hess. He leans over to a guy. Very interesting. No, of course we would not have been hired. We wouldn't have done something so uncouth as to ask for payment. Simply having the honor of entertaining your guests is all that is needed for the Baron Hess. Oh, well, that is quite kind, then. It sounds rather juicy.

What an honor, then, it is to have you join us on this day. Please partake in refreshments and dancing. You are most welcome here, you and your entertainer friends. Is he wearing a ring, a signet ring? You look at his hands and you don't see a ring. Interesting. I was told by a count that

in order to properly introduce myself, I was to kiss your ring. But I'm afraid I don't see one. Oh, that is quite kind of you, to even offer. Normally, I do have a signet ring.

It's so funny you should Even mention that, for someone Came here not long ago and asked For that very ring, but I'm not wearing one now No, that person Asked for your ring, that's rather strange It was rather strange Yes, um

You just want to kiss it, yes Well, that's just my original Intention, but now I'm quite curious Did you give this person the ring? You just want to kiss it, yes? Well, that's just my original intention But now I'm quite curious Did you give this person the ring? As a matter of fact, I did He was quite kind And he helped me out with a little problem

And if you'd like to kiss my ring Perhaps you could help me as well And I could have one of my valets Fetch you a fresh ring Oh, that's... What? one of my valets sets you a fresh ring. Oh, that... Well, that would be most lovely, of course. We are here at your service, Rykout Brayen. Anything, anything you need,

the Baroness is insistent that we do your every bidding. The Baroness, is that name again? That's so strange. Well, if you are here to help, then this is rather fortuitous, since I've never seen you before, then perhaps most of my guests haven't seen you either, and I'm in a bit of a predicament right now

that perhaps you could help me with. By all means, go on. Well, this is rather embarrassing for me to say, but you probably don't know this, but this is your first time at my ball, but the most prestigious dance.

I mean, you've been doing the voice for five minutes. I don't know why just then. Really. This is your first time at my ball. At my ball. It's like mouth goes unnaturally long. My ball. So you probably don't realize

that the most prestigious dance we have here at my fence is the sunset waltz. And I have just learned that my beloved will be arriving at the ball just in time for the sunset waltz when previously I thought they wouldn't make it at all let alone in time.

Unfortunately, fool that I am, I have already promised to perform the sunset waltz this evening with other guests. Three others, in fact. Oh, what was I thinking? Especially now with my beloved arriving. My dance

card is a bit overfull, as they say. And then everyone around him starts laughing. Oh, hell! As I'm sure you can imagine, I do not wish to offend my beloved, as I would prefer to dance with them over anyone. So perhaps you and your entertainer friends working for the Baron Hess, you say? Yes, Baron Hess.

From G.I. Joe, is that what you're talking about? Yes, the Baron Hess. Perhaps you and your friends could just break off my promises to these three other attendees. Are you experienced in breaking off? Well, that's not something

I would do. I would have people do it for me and should you do that, then I would fetch a fresh ring for you. That sounds easy enough. Absolutely no problem. You should never put yourself in such a position to be so embarrassed, Viscount.

We are happy to take on this rather ugly chore for you. Oh, you're too kind. Now, here's the thing. I urge you to handle this with the utmost discretion. And diplomatically, I do not want to embarrass anyone here, especially my guests.

As the nude dwarf nods sagely. Their names, if you could be so kind, and descriptions. Yes, well, there's the elegant lady, Erdrenda Splinterbone. And then there's an influential trader here among the attendees. His name is Ardvin Telgriet. And a beautiful but common woman named Modette.

Do not tell my beloved. But I must admit, I was rather taken with this young woman, so much so that I simply could not say no to her. Now, I'm not sure where they are in this party, but I encourage you to ask around. Get to know my guests. They are among the most elite here

in Salafay. We thank you for this opportunity to serve you I shall report back When all engagements have been broken Very good, enjoy yourselves And he starts talking to somebody else We'll walk away, I'll walk away

I'm not there I'll walk away I think I was there Yeah, I think you were there You know what, I don't walk away, I think you were there. I think Helster was there, too. You know what? I don't walk away. I stay. You just keep standing there?

No. The count, the Viscount, breaks off his conversation. And may I help you? Oh, I walk away now. Okay, okay. Okay. Sorry. Sorry, King.

Black tar coming out of his mouth. What do you do? Well, first we go find Aldo. Where did Aldo go? Why, I didn't come up to the... I know, I know, I'm just fucking around. Oh. All right, so you regroup somewhere on the dance floor.

We regroup. I'll give the names and say that we need to break off the Viscount's commitment to dance tonight. Right. So diplomatic. Diplomatic, of course. Without making the Viscount look bad. Right. So it's Modette.

Modette. Lady Modette. Modette, the commoner. Right. Lady Adrendis Splinterbone. Adrendis Splinterbone. Ardvin Telgriet. And a woman simply named Modette. Okay, right. Parmé, Duke Tremblay.

Your Grace, if I could have a word. Oh, yes, is this my voice? I think so. In what, I didn't catch your name, I only met your friend here who works with Baron Hess. Oh, my name is Baronet, uh, Tom Bombadil. Oh! Tom Bombadil. Ooh!

Baron, how... It is a pleasure to make an acquaintance. Well, a pleasure to make yours as well, mate. I mean, your grace. Oh, that's very kind. How may I be of service? Well, we can see that... What was that? Sorry? How may I be of service? Yes. Service. We can see that... What was that? Sorry? Help me, I'm your...

Service. Yes. Sorry. Yes, sorry. Just bad ear. We're looking for three people. Oh! We wish to relay a message from His Royal Majesty up on the dais there.

I wonder if you could point us in the direction perhaps of one Adrendis Splinterbone. Adrendis Splinterbone. Give me a diplomacy check. Oh, thanks. That is a natural 13, and that will be a 14. I'm sorry, I don't know that name. She does not ring a bell,

although I'm sure she is most welcome here at the Viscount's Ball. I'm sorry, is it the writhing hedgehog in my neck that's turning you off? Oh, no, I didn't even notice, if you're being quite honest. Very polite. I appreciate it. Perhaps someone else would like to take a turn? Uh, I, uh, uh, okay. Uh, Zant... I got this. I got this.

Zantor of the Zoogs remembers the names and crawls like a spider around the party, carefully listening to the names, using a perception check. Sliding along the parking floor. Which he has more than a plus one at. Okay, give me a perception check. Oh, wow, you're going to let me do this?

Sure. All right. Great, here we go. That is an at 20. Oh, shit! Free the bat, free the bat, Free the bat! Free the bat! Free the bat! Free the bat!

Wow. The Zooks have keen ears. And they taught me their ways. That's all together, that's you know, 30, I don't know, 32. 32, okay. So you're crawling around like a weirdo. Listening for the names.

Listening for Modette and Adrendis Splinterbean and Arby Hailmoth Mother. He doesn't remember the names. I remember them. I remember them. He's listening. He's crawling back saying, what were the names again?

Crawling around, eavesdropping, listening, and then at a certain point, your ears perk up. You hear someone say, oh, did you hear the Lady Splinterbone is here this evening? And they're talking. It's like, oh, I'm told that she is to dance with the Viscount. So maybe you hone in and try and listen to that conversation.

Yes. And they're just gossiping about the Lady Splinterbone, but they're doing it under their breath because they don't want to look out of place. Like, oh, it's quite an honor to speak, to dance with the Viscount. I cannot believe this. Are they looking at splinter bone? Are they?

Well, at a certain point, they point their eyes in the direction of a woman, beautiful woman, red lips, slim fitting, black dress, and her skin is almost white in appearance. And the guy looks and then snaps back and is like, oh, I think it's true what they say, that she is a vampire. Oh. I'm going to... I'm out.

I'm going to skulk over to her, hiding sort of under a table. It's like bumping the bottom of the table on the glass. The nude, sweaty dwarf crawling. Then I'm going to do

a motion to Aldo and Atticus and Halster and be like, and I'm going to do hand symbols. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. What do you think he said? I don't know. Let's go over there and ask him.

What did he say? Steel third? This splinter bone. What? Her. Oh. Keep your voice down. Splinter bone here.

Oh. All right, we take a look at this woman, Oh! Keep your voice down. Glinterbone, here! Oh! Shh! Shh! Shh! All right, we take a look at this woman, the slim-fitting black dress. Yeah, what was the Resident Evil Lady Dimitrescu? Lady Dimitrescu! Oh, yeah.

Pleased to make your acquaintance. She is just stunning, and everyone is kind of looking at her out of the side of her eye because she's so beautiful, but she does have completely white skin, and if you catch her smiling or laughing at a joke, you do see that she does have fangs. She's just finishing up a dance with a gaunt man that seems like he's out of his league, dancing with a woman of her beauty.

Why does she have Freddy Krueger claws? It's a long story. You have to play the game. But you see her, and now she's just standing there alone, and she reaches for a glass of wine. And you know what's so funny? She's standing now near one of the windows, and the sun is blasting right in on her.

Oh. Ah. She sips at her wine. Good time for the music change. That was good. Yeah. It's rather disturbing. Pat yourself on the back.

Is it? Well, I didn't do it. It was pure luck. If only returning rental cars was as easy as queuing up music. Not my finest hour. The music changes

itself. The car does not return itself. We learned that at the Heartland. Clearly not. Hundreds of dollars. I didn't know quite how

to carry batteries. God. I'm just going to go talk to her. Do any of you have a spectacular fucking idea of how to pull this off? No. What do you think we should do? I think that... Tell her the Viscount

no longer desires her. No, that's exactly not what he told us. She is not good breeding stock. No, that's exactly not what he told us. She is not good breeding stock. No, no, no. Santa, did I understand your earlier hand messages? Did you say she was a vampire? Yes, a sucker of blood. Perhaps if I were to allow her to exsanguinate me just a bit, this might please her.

I would strongly recommend against that, Halster. It's just a dream, mate. I mean, if he's... if he's game. Hmm. Just two consenting adults. I'm rather flabbergasted. I don't know if it's bravery or stupidity. I can't wrap my head around it. Well, it could be both. Yes.

Yes, but why would this allow her to be not offended by the Viscounts spurring her? Well, maybe she might be full. You know, if you have your full meal and someone asks, do you want to go dancing? You're like, no, I want to turn in. Look at her. She's wearing a corset, clearly.

If she's overstuffed, it might burst and she might be unable to dance. Yeah, then she'd be embarrassed. She'd be naked as Santa. Could I do a society role to know if somebody in her position would be... It would be known by everyone that she's a vampire and cool or if it would

be like no one's talking about it because it would be super rude and she doesn't want someone to like out her as a vampire. Sure yeah role society. Can I do? I'll do that as well. That's a 26. 26 what about you Skip? 25. Yeah I mean

we're in the dreamland so you don't really know what's considered gauche here now you know that as Xantar was skulking about they were whispering

in hushed tones that she's a vampire but like it's also pretty obvious now that you look at her that she's a vampire is it rude to bring it up

no 100% sure okay I wouldn't open with that it's in our back pocket it's in our back pocket if she's disappointed we can offer her okay alright Bring it up? No. 100% sure. Okay. I wouldn't open with that. It's in our back pocket. It's in our back pocket. If she's disappointed, we can offer it. Okay.

All right. I will keep that in my back pocket and go up there with absolutely no plan. What is your diplomacy? What is Atticus's diplomacy? I was thinking more deception. Oh, deception. Yes. Which he does.

Which he is trained in. By the rules. Deception, yes. Which he does. Which he's trained in by the rules of Pathfinder. Good. Sly to her. Tell her she's not a vampire. That'll trick her. You're not a vampire. He'll walk up to her. Okay.

She slowly turns her head and looks down towards you because she's much taller. Yes. Good evening, my lady. I would like to introduce myself. I am Atticus Grimm of the court of Baron Hess. I have come at the behest of the Viscount to speak with you on an urgent matter. You have come from the Viscount? I have, yes.

Atticus Grimm. That is correct. And these are your friends, associates? Have you come from the Viscount? I have, yes. Atticus Grimm. That is correct. And these are your friends, associates? These are my friends, associates, all in the court of Baron Hess. I am his court magician, and we have come to entertain the guests this evening. But the Viscount has asked me to do something rather special. I do not know the Baron Hess. Where does he hail from?

He hails from... Ulthar. Countess asked me to do something rather special. I do not know the Baron Hess. Where does he hail from? He hails from... Ulthar. Ulthar. Ulthar. On the... Western coast of... Besselton. But of course, on par on the western coast of

Besselton, yes I have never visited myself, but Oh, it's quite lovely this time of year They're rather foggy in the mornings Well, I'll have to put it on my to-do list But you were speaking about the Viscount. What

seems to be the issue? The issue? It's not really an issue as much as an incredible opportunity. The Viscount would like to invite you to a personal private meeting with him on the

morrow. A personal private meeting with him on the morrow? A personal private meeting with him on the morrow? Yes, he has urgent business to discuss and he, like, smiles a little bit, and it's like and he would like only you to attend this meeting.

I see. Well, that is an interesting opportunity. I will tell the Viscount myself, as he's promised to dance the sunset waltz with me. I will tell him that that meeting is most agreeable. Yes, yes, of course. That is the rub, as it were,

is that the Viscount will most unfortunately need to let us just say postpone the dance of the evening until after this very important, very private discussion tomorrow. Postpone the dance?

Whatever do you mean? The Viscount promised me the sunset waltz and that dance will be mine. You are blowing this. Please. Please. I said that very low. All right, so she didn't hear it, but it just really hurt his chances.

He says, oh, no, no, not at all. The Viscount is quite aware that this is very important, and he wants to make sure, make certain that you are seen dancing together at the next event. However, there is something very important he must discuss with you, and he cannot do it here this evening. He wishes not to embarrass you by telling you this to himself, not to embarrass you by telling you this to his himself and so he has sent us

to ask you to very gently turn him down this evening. Intermediary yes. And if it is your choice to turn him down well then of course the embarrassment is not on him and in fact you look quite powerful.

Ah quite powerful ah quite powerful. Roll a quite powerful. Ah, quite powerful. Roll a deception check. Oh, boy. Come on, Frisco Joe! Here we go! Oh! Come on!

That is a 20 Is that a d20? Yeah How did you roll? I rolled my pride die It's a d20 She says No, I'm going to need that dance

Unfortunately Maybe you're new here But that dance is quite important. It is a great honor. I must have a dance one way or another. My lady, I'm sorry to step in here, but I'm afraid... And what is your name? Well,

I am Baronet Tom Bombadil. I'm not afraid... Baronet Bombadil it is. Yes, my jacket is blue and my boots are yellow. Perhaps you've heard of them. I have not. In any case, I am sorry.

We've engaged in a little bit of prevarication here. The Duke would not want it to be known what his actual reason is for not being able to dance tonight. But unfortunately, he has the most, he is suffering from the most urgent and explosive case of diarrhea.

You can see, if you look closely, some of it is actually seeping out of his mouth. That's how full he is to the brim of the half-liquid. Yes, he would very much like to spare you this, which is why

he wouldn't postpone until tomorrow and then a later date. We wouldn't want to jostle him. You could, my dear, get some on that very lovely dress. We're all a deception. Can I aid? Can I try to assist? I can assist, right?

You already failed. Well, I can assist his check. That is a 23. DC 23. Oh! Dude. When in doubt, around the RPG table,

diarrhea. Every time. Well, I must admit I've gotten out of many an engagement because of that same problem, so I wouldn't want to jostle him, as you say. No, no.

The problem is, my dear boy, I need a dance, as it were, so I will look the other way this time, provided that meeting is still on the table tomorrow. No, it's not, because I failed my role. So fuck yourself. No, no, don't listen to my friend. He rolls horribly.

It's part of our brand. There's a motorcycle here in this ball. It's like... How strange. Well, um... You gotta add that to the rules, I guess. Don't rev your motorcycle during the show. Well, provided I can meet with him or not,

you're being strange, I suppose I could look the other way if perhaps one of you would dance with me. Well, perhaps you would like to dance with an armored person? Or, failing that, a nude sweaty dwarf? Start flexing your pecs. It's like... Start flexing your pecs. Ah! Ah! Ah!

Um. I must admit, I've never seen the likes of him. It is his way from his people. It's a great honour that he would appear nude before you in this circumstance. I am a king.

Where he comes from. King of the Zugs. Yes. I was crowned their leader after biting off the old king's head. A king? Well, that's higher than a Viscount. Do you have a symbol of Phrasma showing? I do, and I'm like coquettishly rubbing my neck as I look at her.

So maybe she's looking at all of you, sizing you all up, and she sees that symbol of phrasma and she's like, not you. Stay away, please.

All right, I'll dance with the dwarf. Ah. Teach me your sunset waltz Yes Come this way And she grasps your hand And leads you out to the dance floor Yes

Ah And uh She's Ah! And, uh... She's leading, by the way. Yes. He allows her to lead. At a certain point during the dance, she leans in to you and says, It's a shame about the Viscount's diarrhea.

Whispers in your ear. Yes. Sometimes if you eat the wrong... That's her love language. Sometimes if you eat the wrong berries in the forest, you get very bad diarrhea. I suppose you do. Though I must admit, either way,

it is quite rude to break off a dance after you've made a promise. It would also be rude for his guest to know about his bowel problems. But perhaps you could help me. I am feeling a bit peckish, as it were. And I admit that while I don't want to cause a stir here, I have information now that could raise my standing by taking his down.

I would keep quiet should you allow me to drink you. There is a hierarchy among the beasts of the jungle. We feed on each other. As a dominant predator, I understand your hunger.

But as an alpha, I cannot allow you... to feed on me. Please, I've never had a king's blood. You look very dead tonight. You look very dead tonight. Thank you. Thank you. Will I become as one of you?

No, no. I'll just take but a taste. You'll be perfectly fine. Maybe a little tired. Are you sure you can handle the heady brew? That pumps through my veins? that pumps through my veins. And he smashes another champagne flute.

And she says, we'll find out. We're up at the champagne flute! Woo! She says, we'll find out. And then it's like... And she latches onto your neck and just starts sucking. And it is pretty hot. Yeah. But as she's sucking, you just start to feel really, really tired.

And then she eventually stops and she looks at you with blood dripping from her mouth. Blood dripping from your mouth from the broken champagne glass. And then she just leans forward and ever so gently kisses your bottom lip.

Whoa. Wow. And says thanks for the dance, king. Sadly, now you are drained for. What the fuck does that mean? What does that mean? I don't know this game.

Skip, do you have some splaining to do? Yes. Yes. Never be in trouble to do it is time for Drained edition When a creature drains you of blood or life force You become less healthy, shockingly

Drained always includes a value For you it is four You take a status penalty equal to your drained value on constitution-based checks such as fortitude saves. You also lose a number of hit points equal to your level times the drained value.

Whoa! And your maximum hit points are reduced by the same amount. For example, if you're hit by an effect that inflicts drained three and you're a third-level character, you lose nine hit points and reduce your max by nine.

It doesn't count as taking damage, you're just less. After a full night's rest, your drained value decreases by one. Obviously, were you to just wake up in the material plane, this would most likely go away. But for the rest of the party, you drained four.

Which at seventh level is... My constitution's lower? No, you take 21 hit points down. Holy shit. And your max goes down 20. Oh, I'm sorry. 28. 28.

And your max goes down 28. Okay. Hold on, I'm just doing math. Right. But the good news is, Lady Splinterbone seems appeased by your lies. One down, two to go. This is going to be a long night.

Yeah. I'm going to crawl back to the others really pale and be like, Santor has danced with Splinterbone and pleased her.

Yeah. That's his new war cry. Santa. Santa. Here, here. And Aldo pulls something off of his bandolier, his dress bandolier, given the event.

And he says, I take a little bit of this. I smash it against my face. Okay. And drink it. Alright, that is homemade Pepsi. It's just, it's Pepsi? Yeah, it's homemade Pepsi.

I don't know. It's sweet. Yes, it should give you the quick energy you need to finish this evening. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Is there a place where I can go take a shower? Sure, mate, sure.

You've done great. Oh, dear. Next up, Ardvin Telgriad. You want to gather some information here To try and find out about this dude? Yes, work the room, find out where Ardvin is Alright, everybody give me a diplomacy check To gather information

Oh shit Is there anything else can be done? Perhaps society or stealth? No No, but you can all roll it Everyone should have Anybody have like a point? I rolled

Natural 18 So that's 20 Nice 10 for Aldo Okay 15 for Atticus Okay 5

5 We're not very diplomatic As it turns out, time in the asylum has made us rather hard and untrusting. So, Atticus and Xantar, king of the zoogs.

Left side. Yeah! Left side. Stage left. Yeah! Now that I have been weakened, I am better at mingling. I am weak like you, rat creature. Yes, yes. Appearing weak is very important.

You are talking around and you meet someone who's like oh he's over there he is very wealthy and well respected but doesn't spend much time in Celefe and you look over and you see this guy is surrounded by a group of people that are all trying to vie for his attention

and he the way the Viscount spoke about him is that he was a very well respected trader here so you just see a bunch of perhaps sycophants surrounding him asking him questions do we know what he trades in

or would we have to ask about that you'd have to ask yes he's a thin dark skin man with short dark hair and a neatly trimmed goatee and he looks like he loves being the center of attention. I'm just... It's not my jam, man.

Go and talk to him. Fuck. Let... No, let... Let my best friend here, let him talk. He hasn't done anything tonight. I was saving him for the commoner.

He's rather common. He could probably relate to her. You're just angry because I shaved you. Yes, because you shaved me and filled me up with some horrific black fluid. I think you look rather fetching. Party in the front, business in the back. It's like a reverse mullet you have now. Thank you so much, Alistair.

Sure, go ahead, give it a shot. See if you can get to catch his eye. He can't stand this shit. Can't stand it. Like people that everyone's trying to get their attention and the person is just deciding who they talk to. He's been through this shit. And it's such a miserable existence for a struggling magician

to try to catch the eye of an aristocrat to get hired and stuff. And so it just brings pangs of anger into him. And so he's happy to let Halster take a shot. Oh, wait. Here. Now, Halster, I've got... Let's do to let Halster take a shot. Oh, wait. Here. Now, Halster, I've got, let's do a, we'll work him together. How about that? A little flim-flam? Yeah, a little bit

of a flim-flam action. Alright. Full of molly. What could go wrong? Perfect. So we get near him. The circle of sycophants. He says something and everyone in the group is like, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha out to the people to whose hands would appreciate it the most. I mean, surely there are millions and millions of coins to be earned. I have no idea

how you have any of that miracle substance left. It does, well, miracles. It is. It's miraculous is what it is. Miraculous. That's the word I was looking for. I can't keep enough of it on the shelves when people know what it is. I've rubbed it all over my buttocks and it shines.

And look how shiny your buttocks have become. Look at my shiny buttock. I've commented so many times on how shiny your buttocks have looked lately. All thanks to this miracle cream. Ardvin, his interest is piqued by this weird conversation.

And he's like, my good man, what is this miracle substance you speak of? Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for you to overhear our very private conversation. I didn't mean to interrupt, but you see, well, it's this, and he pulls

another vial of the homemade Pepsi off of his bandolier. And he says, well, it's this wonderful substance that I've invented myself, and well, I just, people love it, and they'll pay

through the nose to get it, but unfortunately I just don't have any contacts here in this area. Pay through the nose, you say? May I ask your name and where are're from? My name is Baronet Tom Bombadil. Baronet Tom Bombadil.

And I am from the Forest of Lorien. I must admit I'm not familiar with the Forest of Lorien, but it doesn't encroach on my territory. No, when it is protected by a girdle. So it's very difficult for trade to happen back and forth. Tell me more about this miracle substance you have here. You say you can't help but sell it everywhere you go. No, it is a proprietary blend that I have come up with myself,

and the minute anyone gets a taste of it, well, they just can't get enough. Well, that sounds quite interesting, and I must admit I deal in trading goods. Do you indeed? How fortunate. Yes, almost as

miraculous as the salve itself. Well, now, let's not go overboard. There's very little on this green earth that is of anywhere close to as miraculous as this substance, but yes, it is fortunate in its own way. Really? And how

much of this do you have and are willing to perhaps part with? 14,000 gills worth. Gills? I'm not familiar with that unit. Well, it is a unit of measurement that we use at the Forest of Lorien. Ah, the Forest of Lorien, yes. Well, may I

ask what that would cost if I wanted to buy, say, all of it? All of it, you say? Well, I don't know. I'd be a lot of upset customers back at the old forest if I had to unload all of it, but if you did want to buy all of it, I'd be a lot of upset customers back at the old forest if I had to unload all of it. But if you did want to buy all of it, I guess I would have to say 14 billion gold pieces.

Hey, hey, aim high. Aim high. You can always come down. My good man, I'm sure your substance is quite special, as you say, but that's a pretty high amount. I understand. I've consulted with my friend here. Yes. He suggests, and I agree, that you do have an honest face.

Well, thank you. That's very kind. So, that being the case, given the good face discount, I could let it go for ten billion gold pieces. That still seems incredibly high. I'm sorry, sir, perhaps we were not meant to do business with each other. Right, you've twisted my arm. I don't know your land and your ways.

Your modern ways frighten and confuse me. I will say I could give it all up, a whole barrel full, for ten gold. That's a billion percent decrease. That is a very steep discount, sir. You'd be a fool to walk away from it. Would you like to apply some to see how it...

No, no, I don't think that will be necessary. Your buttocks could look quite as shiny as his. Buttocks aside... In moments. I'm not sure what game it is you're playing, but I don't think I want to play anymore. Good day to you both. Well, you, of course, it was foolish of me

to try to put one over on one so handsome. It's very kind of you to notice my looks, but I believe... Scarcely look away. I believe our time is done here, sir. I have other associates I'd like to speak with. Peddle your wares elsewhere. Perhaps you'd like to speak with a sweating dwarf. Pardon me.

Oh, shit. Ice cold. Wow. And he just goes about talking with his friends, And they kind of like Move to block you off from their circle I really like my homemade Pepsi I think it's quite good

It's really delicious Regardless of what I lied about my body I'm a bit angry now I would be too Xantar of what I lied about my body. You're a bit angry now. Yeah, I would be too. Xantar. Yeah, Xantar is shivering in a corner. I'm still really angry at you, man.

That was... I wanted her to bite me. You really don't want that. Atticus, you overheard this whole conversation and obviously the goal here is to break off the dance with this guy. Aldo and Alster took an angle that didn't quite work.

Do you and your drained friend have another option? Oh, God. Creative ideas on the spot. A guy, you know, there's a guy standing nearby while Aldo and Halster are trying to sell the snake oil to him.

And he says, do you know, Audvin? No, no. This is our first time attending the party, and I am keen to speak with him. He seems like he could be rather influential in my financial matters. Oh, yes. He believes himself

to be rather influential, but it's all about this dance this evening. It's a big deal for him. Well, yes. I mean, a dance with Viscount could be life-changing, of course, but you seem rather perturbed. Well, you have to understand,

Ardvin is quite rich, but all he cares about is money, and he needs the prestige of associating with the Viscount to continue building his financial connections. He is by far the wealthiest trader here at the ball, yet he constantly schemes for further profit, and that hurts me and my partners as well. He wants to dance this sunset waltz

only for concomitant financial benefits. He's a greedy fool. Dance is cancelled. The Viscount no want to dance with him tonight. Really? We come to cancel dance. Well, that's interesting information. Good luck with that.

Unless you can promise him wealth untold, he is not going to give up that dance. And how do you know him? What is your association with him? Are you a competitor? You could say that. Rival, perhaps? Well, in that case, perhaps you'd be interested in joining us in embarrassing him. Are you a competitor? You could say that. Rival perhaps? Well, in that case

perhaps you'd be interested in joining us in embarrassing him. Enough so that he would leave the Viscount couldn't possibly take him to dance. Maybe if you got a really good deal on some homemade Pepsi that would shame him. I don't think embarrassing

anyone here is a good idea. Perhaps this is your first ball. No, I saw that little incident earlier with the rope and the hideous blood. It was rather frightening. Perhaps, yes, I could help you, though. Him not dancing would benefit me as well. Here's what you need to do. You need to give him promises of money.

It's the only thing that will make him move on from the dance. Anything else and he will insist that the dance is his. An excellent idea. Perhaps I will approach him with a business proposition. Yes, bribe him. Thank you. You've been

most helpful. Okay. Um... I liked him. That guy was cool. most helpful. Okay. Um. I liked him. That guy was cool. That guy was cool. Um. Go tell him that you will give him money.

Yes. Church is on Toad. Yes. Um. They're all talking and he says another joke And they all laugh He'll step up And try to wedge his way Into the conversation

Apologies for interrupting No I don't need anything else to drink Oh no But could you take my empty You don't need anything else to drink. Oh, no. But could you take my empty? I'm sorry, sir, you've quite mistaken me. Pardon? I've come with a proposition for you, and it is a rather private one.

It is a business proposition. If you could take a moment from your adoring fans, I'd like to speak with you. I think it could be rather lucrative. A business proposition? A business proposition. From you. A business proposition. A business proposition. From you. Oh, yes. I know I don't look the part,

but it can be surprising when you open your mind to those that are not your usual business partners. What is your proposition, sir? I'm sorry, it will need to be quite private. We'll just need to step aside. All right, all right. Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I must need to step aside. Alright, alright. Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I must speak to this rat.

Yes, sir? Well, as you know, I am a rat, and rather incapable of... I just do not have the physical prowess necessary to collect the treasure that we recently came across. My companions and I.

Treasure? Yes, we are explorers and have unearthed a rather large treasure in the Caravanserai. Are you familiar with the Caravanserai of Sheboygan? Are you familiar with the caravanserai of Sheboygan? The Sheboygan caravanserai. No, no. Treasure.

What kind of treasure? You've not heard of this. It is rather famous, my good man. Oh, no. I must admit I'm not familiar with the Sheboygan caravanserai. It is a caravanserai that was rumored to have excessive amounts of gold, in the 14 billion gold piece range, but was suddenly taken by a horrific sandstorm and was buried for a thousand years.

And you and your friends are explorers that uncovered this treasure? I have seen it with my own eyes. Yes, he is the strongest we could find, and yet he is not strong enough. We could not carry it away. There was too much gold. There was too much. What is your proposition, young man? My proposition is that you use your contacts and abilities to unearth this incredible treasure. Draw it out, and I simply am asking for a finder's fee.

Ten percent. Ten percent. It will be enough so that I will never work another day in my life. You want me to fund your expedition? No, no. Yes. No. Wait. Or pick one, man. Pick one. The expedition has already occurred. I simply need the manpower to haul it out. So you're saying this treasure has been found? The treasure has already been found, but as he said, it was too much for us to haul it out. So you're saying this treasure has been found? The treasure has already been found, but as he said,

it was too much for us to even draw out. I'm simply looking for a helping hand to get it out. I need your manpower, and you can keep most of it. I don't need it. Ten percent of it would mean for generations my family would be fine. Fourteen billion gold pieces, man.

He starts licking his lips. Give me a homemade Pepsi that could buy it. You're still here. Give me a deception roll with a plus four for talking to one of his rivals. Okay, all right, all right, great.

Come on, O'Brien. Come on. Come on. Come on, Frisco Joe. Let's go, Joe. Let's go. Work it. Come on, O'Brien Come on Come on, Frisco Joe Work it Come on Come on God

It's possible Don't forget Don't forget You have a cap Oh yeah, I've got two I've got two Yeah But I think you can only do one roll

Anyway, it's a 25. I think I'm going to stay with it. The other one was a 23. You want to hit me or stay? Come on, Joe. You always stay on 25. I don't know if I could roll. You always stay on 25.

I'll say 25. Pass. Yeah! Yeah! I could have easily rolled lower than that. Yes, yes. What's the catch? The catch is that there is no time

and it is quite urgent. I would need you to leave and gather your men now. My associate here will accompany you, at least to show you where it is, at least to start. I will? He will accompany you to the bus station,

and then you will be on your own. I was to dance the sunset waltz, but 14 billion gold pieces. All right, I'll gather my men immediately. I'm glad we picked a believable sum. I think that really pushed it over the line. Well, I needed a believable sum that 10% of would allow someone

to just be like, yeah, do whatever you want. 1.4 billion. Gold? Yeah, you could live pretty well. Generations. Assuming you don't live too long. He is going about gathering his men, so you've created enough of a distraction that he's not going to cause a scene.

There may be problems later that you need to deal with, but right now you just need to find this other person and get this ring. One more. It's just the commoner. Modette. Yeah, commoner might be harder to find in this ball of thousands of people. You don't even have a last name to go on. Can Atticus, Atticus would like to talk to one of the servants. Okay. The ones that are

sort of just, you know, the ones who are like cleaning out the... You can all speak to the servants. So you see one of them is serving cucumber sandwiches walking around with a plate. Cucumber sandwich, cucumber sandwich. Would you like a cucumber sandwich?

What about you? Cucumber sandwich. I need to get my blood sugar up. Thank you. Atticus will say, yes, that looks quite delicious. Cucumber sandwich. I'm looking for an attendee of the party

and he pulls out a gold piece. A gun. He pulls out a gun. Nice. He pulls out a gold piece, which, for the record, in two years is a lot. It's a lot of money. And he, like, swaps a cucumber sandwich with it. And he's like, it would be most hopeful if you could tell me the location of Modette.

Everybody roll a diplomacy check. 16? 14. 16. 14. 20. 16. DC 20. Oh! That was a natty 19.

Frisco Joe! Frisco Joe! And a gold piece! And a natty 19! And a gold piece! Woo! I actually have to deduct that gold piece. So you ask, do you say her name? Do you say Modette? Yeah. As you slide that gold piece So you ask

Do you say her name? Do you say Modette? As you slide the gold piece on We are looking for Modette You take a cucumber sandwich, you slide the gold piece on And you say the name And he just starts shaking With his hand He's like, what is wrong?

Modette, you say? Yes She was standing over there last time I saw her when a loop of something pulled her up.

Oh, shit. Please. May I go? Yes, of course. Thank you Please be quite silent Cucumber sandwich, cucumber sandwich Atticus slowly looks up toward the ceiling

Where he saw those motions before Oh shit Well, surely she can't dance with him now Perhaps our problem has been taken well, surely she can't dance with him now. Perhaps our problem has been taken care of. Yeah, Bob's your uncle. We're done. Let's go to the pub, throw back a few points.

Well, are we? Are we? Are we? Everybody roll a perception check. Like, would it stand to reason that once once you get pulled up you're fucking done well maybe yeah oh dude 30 that's two natty 19's in a row

wow red hot red hot Frisco Joe what about Xantar the best Joe that there is always approaching Frisco Joe but can never quite reach him What about Xantar? The best Joe that there is. Always approaching Frisco Joe, but can never quite reach him. What did Xantar get for perception?

I rolled a natural one. Xantar's struggling over there. I'm just eating like three cucumber sandwiches. Shaking. I'm pale. The natural perspiration on my biceps has gone dry. No. No.

No. No. No. I can partly recognize him. What about you guys? What's your roll? 28. 22.

Okay. You guys, what's your roll? 28? 22. Okay, so Halster and Atticus, you kind of look over in the direction of where the servant pointed to, and you see there is a curtain on the wall that is kind of pulled back a little bit, and there is a ladder leading up. Oh. Into the catwalk. So maybe mudet was taken up there and blood fell but if for any reason she wasn't killed or or who knows what's going on up there if the viscount goes to the sunset waltz and she's like what about me you know it would be a big embarrassment so Anaticus is actually quite curious about what's going on up there.

And an excellent climber. You first. Yeah, actually. Yeah. Fuck you, Grant. He's a pretty good scurrier. He will slip up that way. Aston, follow me. Okay, all right.

Aldo, come on. Right. Would you like a distraction? No, no. No one will pay attention to us. Even mentioning it would be so rude that they would never do it. Oh, you're right. That's right.

I can come. No, I'm okay. You look rather weak. No,'m okay. You look rather weak. No, stand back. You look rather weak. Let me lead the way. I'm strong. I can do it.

Oh, oh, oh. All right, so you guys go up the ladder. Yeah, he'll start going up the ladder. Okay, and yeah, you're right. People standing nearby, you can see their heads are purposefully not looking at you as you ascend this ladder. It's this narrow ladder affixed to the wall, partially concealed behind this tapestry. No one's watching. You start climbing.

You go about 60 feet or so. 60 feet? Yeah, you're going up. A vertical ladder. A vertical ladder straight up. You go about 60 feet or so. 60 feet? Yeah, you're going up. A vertical ladder. A vertical ladder straight up. And you see that the patchwork up here that was obscuring the ceiling is made of like a dark, thick webbing. Oh. But there are holes in the webbing that you can move through.

And in fact, the ladder shoots up through one of those holes. So you can climb through an open portion of the webbing. And you see that the ladder ends in a catwalk. So if you continue to ascend the ladder, you get up to the catwalk. And it's only about five feet wide for the most part. The sort of part where you all step onto it is like a

ten foot square, but then it's very, very thin. And sure enough, even though it's dark up here, you see a beautiful young woman about midway down the catwalk, just covered in a thick layer of webbing. She appears to be breathing, though,

albeit labored. Let's go to the map. Holy shit. Look directly to your... South. Right. Shaboink. Oh.

Whoa. Oh, that's so cool. Yeah, it's a catwalk. Oh my god. You see the catwalk. It's very, very thin. There are webs everywhere. And in fact, even though the map doesn't show it, there are web pieces draped over the catwalk

as well. And she is covered in it. But you do see like she's still alive atticus will approach okay atticus starts walking up does everyone follow and what order do they follow i i want to put my hand on atticus and say, wait, friend. There is a great spider here. Do not walk into its trap. He looks around.

I didn't see a spider. It's scent. I think I detect it. Wait, no, that's something else. Okay, go ahead. Can I roll a perception check for out on the web? Can I do that? Yeah, absolutely.

When he says there's a spider, he'll look around. That's 21. Yeah, I've got a knock. 24. Look around. That's 21. Yeah, I've got a knock. 24? Look around. It's very dark. Who has dark vision? I do. Dwarfs do. Okay. So, Atticus, possibly Xantar.

You can see in the dark here. By the way, in 2E, rat folk do not just have dark vision. You have to take an ancestry feat Do it It has to be like a below ground Darkvision, I have it It's on the sheet, darkvision, I see

So you nerds can see Normally up here And you look around There's fucking webs everywhere And you're looking for movement and you don't see any spiders you're a fool king

I am cautious once bitten twice shy nice it works on a lot of levels. Thank you, San Francisco. Thank you. Atticus will move slowly toward her. My dear, are you quite okay?

Can you speak? He gets to 15 feet away. Does anybody join up with him, or do you just let him go by himself? I'll join him. Yeah. Aldo will be behind Xantar. Okay. And then Halster, are you right on Aldo's tail, or are you staying back a little?

Halster is looking over the edge at the spiderwebs and does a quick knowledge nature on them. He rolls a 27. Anything from recalling knowledge there? Those are spiderwebs. You nailed it, dude. But like... We're walking in the spider webs. They're giant. Leave a message and I'll call you back.

I'll call you back. There's so many webs, like it would have to be a pretty large spider or multiple spiders that would have made a web like this. But you all start walking. On the catwalk. You go walking on all start walking. On the catwalk. You go walking on the catwalk. On the catwalk.

Take a little turn. Yeah, take a little turn. On the catwalk. On the catwalk. And you see her just like... The web moving up and down. And as you start walking along the catwalk, you're brushing up against these webs that are just over the edge of the railings here.

And suddenly, there is movement from all around you. Oh, God. As... I don't know, man. They're everywhere, man. Two things happen. It's reading right, but you're not reading it right. Right in front of Atticus from the sky, a giant spider.

Oh, God, no. Right behind Halster, a second giant spider drops down. No! And then all of a sudden, you see these creatures just scurry all the way up to the edge of the catwalk and there are one two three four of them and they look like

this I know what that is roll for initiative I didn't think it was going to be any initiative tonight. Come on. Wow, okay. Damn. They just zipped right up there.

And it's interesting. They have this ability called Spring Upon Prey. Oh, no. I know that ability. If you touch the web at all, they get to move up to you before initiative is rolled. It's an ability of the giant spider. So you can be adapted

to a few different things. But before initiative is rolled, they get to move, which is so cool. So they just... They get a stride action. Xantar of the Zoogs, your first initiative roll, what'd you get? Let me figure that out. It's just your perception

check. I know, yeah. Uh, I got a... I got a 21. Woo! Nice. Atticus, Grim. 23. 23 for Grim! Aldo. Uh, 15

for Aldo. Oh, no, Aldo, no! Halster. With the bonus thanks to Battlefield Surveyor, I get a 32. 32! 32! Halster, you go first. There are six creatures. Alright, Halster's going to strike out at the venomous-looking spider right in front of him. It's just hanging there on a string web going all the way to the top.

Can I strike the web it's on? Sure, dude. And slice it off? Yeah, you want to try and just strike at the web? Yeah, here it comes. Absolutely. 23 to hit. 23 to hit the web.

That's a good roll. That's a good roll that I'm going to stall for. That is a hit. Nice. Nice, dude. Nice. Am I rolling damage against it? You are. That's a good roll That's a good roll that I'm going to stall for That is a hit Nice dude nice Am I rolling damage against it? You are I have the hardness and the hit points of the web Wow 13 points of damage to the web slashing

Two things happen You slice the string above it It falls to the ground And takes damage and you get a bottle cap Yeah dude nicely done Bergdorf Bergdorf the ground and takes damage, and you get a bottle cap. Yeah! Dude! Nicely done! Bergdorf! Bergdorf's in the house! Bergdorf!

Bergdorf! That's our last second attack! Good, man! Yeah, it takes nine points of damage as it hits the floor. Damn! Nice. 21 to hit on the second attack. Alright, so now, as it's laying there, you strike it. 21 hits as well.

What? That will be for 10 points of slashing damage. Okay, 10 points of slashing damage. Do you have any actions left? Yeah, I'm going to take a third attack. I'm going to ride with it. All right, dude. I'm going to raise this shield.

Shields are for losers. That is a 27 to hit. Nice. Nice. That is mathematically impossible. It's impossible. Is that a crit? Wait, but you've got a minus 10 to this attack. I rolled a 16.

But how did you get a 27 on your third attack? Yeah, my third attack is a plus 11. That is insanity. That's a hit? There's no way that's correct. Your first attack is plus 21? Plus 19, plus 15, plus 11. Oh, because of the agile.

Okay, great. Yeah, that is a hit. Is 27 a crit, though? Is 27 a crit? No. Okay. Then that will do 13 points of damage to it. My God. Holy shit. You slice it points of damage to it. My God.

Holy shit. You slice it out of the air. Nicely done. It falls, takes a bunch of damage, and then you just... But now it's spider turn. No. Spider turn. No, that's too soon.

Let's start with these lurkers. You see that the artwork doesn't show that all of these creatures have like a third arm that is just dangling dead from their chest. But they are going to start attacking. Oh, God. Okay, so the one that is just to the north of Xantar will not go, but the other three will. And the first thing they're going to do

is try and trap you all in a web. So, let's try the web trap. I'm going to aim at Aldo with the first one, and then Halster with the second one, and then Xantar with the third one. But I'll just do one dude at a time. So the first one and then Xantar with the third one. But I'll just do one dude at a time. So the first one goes after Xantar and that is a 31 to hit.

Are we looking at my AC here? Yeah, that's a hit. That's a hit. Not a crit. Hit, not a crit. Well, good news is you don't take any damage, but you are immobilized. Oh, that's bad. So he damage, but you are immobilized. Oh, that's bad.

So he hits you, you're immobilized, and you're stuck to that surface until you take an action to try and escape. And I have the DC for that escape. Immobilized condition, you can't use any action with the move trait. If you're immobilized by something holding you in place so pretty much you can't move until you try to escape. But you could stay there and just continue to attack. But now that it's immobilized you, it is going to try and bite you with its fangs. First attack, probably a miss, which is going to be a 15. Miss, right? Okay, and then very low chance to hit on the last attack.

Misses. Second one tries to on the last attack. Misses. Second one tries to do the same thing to Aldo. First with the web is a 29. That's a hit. All right, so Aldo is stuck in place, immobilized, and then a miss and a miss on the two attacks. And then the third one will try to, the one right to the south of Aldo,

will try to do the same thing to Halster. First, to immobilize you, a 30. Does that count as a melee hit? Yes. I will use my reaction to raise my shield, and I will still be hit. Okay, all right, so it hits you, but your shield is up.

However, you are immobilized, and then it misses on its two attacks. So it kind of accomplished its main goal, which was to stick all three of you in place. And now, it is Atticus' turn. You see all your buddies are covered in webs, not unlike this poor woman!

Oh no. This is quite bad. Um, okay. Uh, oh man. Oh god. Uh, man. Oh, God. Atticus. So, wait. There was one across, the one that you cut down, Grant.

That fell? It's gone? No, he's still attacking it. It just took damage from the fall. It's the one right behind you. Oh, it's right there on the edge. Okay. Yeah, you've got a giant spider in front of you,

and then just behind you, flanking Xantar of the Zoogs, is two more of these web lurkers. Okay. Atticus is going to begin casting a spell. Does that provoke? It does not.

Okay. So he will complete an incantation, and then behind the creature that is in combat, that is directly next to Xantar of the Zoogs, on the web, Okay. will appear a duplicate of itself,

right behind it. Behind it? Behind it. Right there? Yeah. Okay. On this web. It will, yeah, it appears on the web and then it attacks.

Okay. It appears on the web and then it attacks. Yeah. How does that work? The creature, your creature, feels the weight, senses the presence, smells the whatever, the nastiness. As it starts to turn, this thing attacks it with a flanking bonus because it's flanking with King Xantor. Okay. And will attack. That is a 24 to hit.

So that's a hit, but what does this imaginary creature do for damage? It does 7 points of damage. Is it mental damage? Mental damage. That's really cool. 7 points of mental damage. Alright, so it thinks it's real and it takes mental damage

from that. Very cool. It is a spell called Illusory Creature. And you can make rolls to disbelieve the creature if it does damage that doesn't make any sense. The way it describes it in the spell is if it's a large dragon and it does seven points of damage or something, the creature can get a save. Okay. But otherwise, you have to hit the creature for it to vanish, basically.

Interesting. Okay. All right, is that the full complement of your actions? No, it will attack one more time because I can give it two attacks with one of my actions. Two actions to cast it. One of my actions gives it two attacks, but it does take the multiple attack penalty. All right, buddy.

But I rolled really well and got a 28 on the second attack. That is a hit. So it's just slicing at this thing and does another five points of mental damage. Yes. That's amazing. It's just like, come my friends, take them

down. Okay. So you went after that guy. Unfortunately the giant spider hanging in front of you, it's his turn. And he is just going to try and bite you. So rather than spray you with a web, he reaches out with his fangs. And that is going to be a 26 to hit. That is a hit. A couple things are going to happen.

First, you're going to take 12 points of damage. Then I need a Fortitude save. Fortitude save. From its spider. Oh, no. 18. DC 19. Oh, no.

Wait. Shit, I should have just re-matched. What a bummer. It's the bottle cap. You only take one point of poison damage, but you are flat-footed for one round. And that round starts now as it goes to do a second attack with its fangs. That's a 23. That is, I guess, a hit.

I don't have flat-footed on yet. Is it just minus two to AC? Yeah. If so, then that is a hit. I don't have flat foot on it yet. Is it just minus two to AC? Yeah. If so, then that is a hit. Okay, 23. That is going to be nine points of damage. Now, let me ask my friends in the audience here, unless one of you guys knows. Do they roll the save again against the poison, and then it would go to stage two?

Or he's already been infected, and it just keeps yawning? Roll again. No one knows. I think you do roll it again. It just keeps going, okay. So give me another fortitude save. Got it. Okay, so you're fine,

but you still remain at stage one. Yes. All right, and then final attack misses. And now it is. Fuck, it's still my turn. I hate having all these creatures. All right, it's the last one of these Johns, and he is going to try and immobilize you to start with one of these.

When you say you, you mean Atticus? One of these web trap Johnskies, and it's going to be a 15 to hit. Miss. Miss. Yes. Okay. Great. Then he'll just try and bite you with a fang.

Miss. And then with a claw, miss. So wasted turn for that guy. And then it goes to the other fucking spider. I'm sweating. He's going to attack Halster. He's so mad because Halster knocked him off of his sweet, sweet web.

And he's going to try and bite and poison you. So here comes the fangs. Natural one. Oh! Oh! Yes. Unbelievable. Okay, actually, very believable.

It was Grant. And now it's going to be just a regular old attack here again. Miss with a nat 3 and then miss again. Cower in fear, Spyger. Just like keeps clanking off your armor. Bang, bang, bang, bang. Xantar the Zoogs. Ah.

Yeah. Let's do this. I want to see this dude unleashed. For my first action, I rage. Yeah, let's do this. I want to see this dude unleashed. For my first action, I raise. Yes! Boosting my stats and damage. For my second action, I raise my enormous great club, and I smash the disgusting arachnid directly south of me.

No, the one north of you, because you get a flanking bonus for that. Oh, okay. Well, I kind of really had my heart set on the one to the south. All right, you do to you. No, let's take the flanking bonus. Okay. And fight the one to the north. Okay, here we go.

The one to the north! That's going to be a 30 altogether. Yeah! With the flanking? Plus two for flanking? Oh, 32 with the flanking. Critical hit! Critical hit!

Critical hit! Roll damage twice. Okay, here we go. Damage. Create! With damage, I just rolled 24 damage altogether. Oh! No, wait, more than that. 20, I'm rolled 24 damage altogether 24 points No, wait, more than that

20, I'm sorry 28, 28 28 points of damage And what are you using for a weapon? A great club So you just fucking Boom! Boink!

All right Boink it You have one action left And for my last action I rip the webs apart That are holding me to the ground All right, give me an escape check. And that is what kind of a check?

I think it's athletics. Athletics, here we go. Oh, an enormous 14 plus 17. I don't know. 31. 31. 31. 31, you're out.

Ah! Good round. Ah! Ah! Ah! out. Good round. Good round. Okay, great. So you are out, and you have done massive damage to this guy. Let's finish out the round with Aldo.

Aldo, you're immobilized, but what do you want to do here? All right, Aldo is pinned, pasted to this catwalk, but he still has a hand free, and with his free hand, he plucks a vial of alchemist's fire from his bandolier, and it says, Tice fire at the cup! Boom! That is a 25 to hit.

25 is a hit. Is this the one directly to the north? The one that Xantar just hit. Oh, okay, great. Yeah, that's a hit to hit. 25 is a hit? Is this the one directly to the north? The one that Xantar just hit. Oh, okay. Great. Yeah, that's a hit. Nice. Kill it! Okay, that is 10 points of fire damage. Woo!

And I'm gonna do... This is gonna hurt Xantar and me and Atticus as well, but I'm gonna do the two points of splash damage because I want the web to catch fire. Ah. So there's no save for that. We just take two fire.

Just two points of fire. And that creature is on fire also. All right, so everyone around you takes two points? Yeah. All right, so Halster, all of these Ettercaps, and Xantar. And Atticus. And Atticus as well, okay.

Yeah. Or no, just around the guy. So not Hal Stewart, but everybody else. Okay. Great. Okay. Good round. Well, I have two more bombs. Keep going. So I'll do another one. Oh, yes. That is a 25 again to hit. Another hit.

Oh, that is 11 more points of fire damage. And that Ettercap is dead. Yeah! Nice, dude. One down. You got one action left, buddy. I do, and I'm going to throw a third bomb at the one to my north.

Okay, this is the one with the minus 10. Okay, that is a 17 to hit. That one misses. Okay. No splash or anything from the miss? I don't think so. Okay, I'm not too stressed about it. Round two.

Good round, everybody. Good round. Everybody, good round. Solid round. We got one down already. Come on. I didn't start sweating until we started combat. Now I'm soaked.

Halster, you're up, good buddy. You're stuck to this fucking catwalk. Stuck in place, and I got to finish up this spider. Let's squash it with a 32 to hit. Let's squash that bug. That is a critical hit. Yes! Critical press, critical press, critical press. Critical hits. Yes! Critical hits. Critical hits. Critical hits.

Critical hits. Critical hits. 28 points of damage. Oh, yeah. 28, buddies. Splat. That thing's dead. Yeah!

Halster. I see my best friend threatened on both sides. I will attack the one that he attacked in the north at Xantar. The one to the north. The one attack the one that he attacked in the north that Xantar can also reach. That is going to be a 28 to hit. That is a hit as well. For 14 points of damage. 14 points of damage. Okay. Final attack.

I'm going to raise my shield. The shield goes up for a little AC boost, Jon. And it is time for the nightmare web lurkers. Xantar the Zoogs is no longer immobilized. Aldo and Halster are, but they're just going to start chomping away. First, the one to the north of Aldo is going to try to get its fangs on you. First attack, natural 20.

Oh, no! Critical threat, critical threat, critical threat! Critical, critical threat! 20 points of piercing damage. And give me a fortitude save. Fortitude save. Oh, 17. Oh, 17. Oh, no.

Yikes. All right, you take two points of poison damage, and you're flat-footed. And here comes another attack here. That is going to be a 20 against flat-footed. Flat-footed, that is a miss. That's a miss, okay. So this last one is a miss as well. Yes.

And now the one to the south of you goes after Halster, first with its fangs. That's going to be a 21 to hit. Miss. Because of the shields? No. Just say yes.

Just say it is. Tries to bite, and you bite your shield. It's like, ah, that tastes terrible. And then a gnat too. And a miss as well. Yes. And then the final living nightmare web lurker will go after Xantar of the Zoos. Bring it.

All right. It's going to go fangs to start. 29. 29 is a hit. Okay. You're going to take low damage, nine points of piercing, and then give me a fortitude save. Okay.

Nine points piercing. Okay. Fortitude save. Oh, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Slow down. Slow down. So my fortitude save is, right now, it's just a plus 13. So 16 altogether.

16 altogether because of the drained four. That is a fail. He wouldn't have failed if he wasn't drained four. You take five points of poison, and you are also flat-footed. And then it's going to go after you with its claws. Here comes the claw. Here comes the claw. Rolled a d12.

So silly. So stupid. Oh, nap two. And then final attack. I'll do another claw here. Another miss. So, please tell me I'm done. Yes, it's Atticus's turn.

Does anything happen with Poison? That he was Poisoned last round? Yeah, I need another Fortitude save. You're still flat. Well, yeah. Do I start with the save or is it the end of the round? The duration is ten rounds, so we'll say you start the round by making a save. If you pass, you're fine.

If not, you go to stage two. I think that's another fail. I think. Oh, come on, Atticus. You beautiful bastard. Wait. Eighteen. Fail. That's right. It was nineteen, wasn't it? God damn it. You take two points of poison. You're flat-footed.

Yeah, you're flat-footed. Hey! Flat-footed. It's your fat footed. Fat footed. It's not cool. And your slowed one. That just changed the entire goddamn round. You need that slowed one. You have one less action, which shouldn't be bad for a caster. Well, good for you.

You made the show drag for the next eight minutes. I'm trying to figure out what the fuck to do, because I had my turn already, and now I can't do it. Delay! Try to wake up. Wake up? No. I need my reactions.

Yes, you do need all three actions to wake up. For shit's sake. Yeah, you want it to lay so bad. I can smell it on you. God, this sucks. All right, because of the slowed condition, he is going to go defensive. Okay. And he will cast Mirror Image.

Mirror Image. So he feels like he's getting sick and that he's vulnerable and weakened, and he's just like does one of his incantations that he could do almost for a show, and then like three of him come out. You see four of him, but three replicas come out beside him. Okay. Now it's his turn. That's all he can do.

Let's get those guys on there. Pshoo! Pshoo! Oh, nice. Nice! There you go. That's a lot of Atticus's. A lot of Atticae. Alright, it is my spider's turn. One of my spiders is dead.

That was Spider Rico. And now The other spider is the one that is in front Of Atticus It is going to Attempt to Bite you Actually let's try to trap you first

Make it harder Because if you have a spell that has the move trait You won't be able to do it if you're immobilized I don't know if you have a spell like that But still going to do it if you're immobilized. I don't know if you have a spell like that, but I'm still going to do it. So here comes a little web. Here we go. 28.

That is a hit. So now roll a d4, and you hit me on a 1. I hit you on a 1. I rolled a 2. So you destroy an image. Nice. Destroy an image. Let me take him off the board. And I am an image. Let me take them off the board.

And I am not immobilized. Take them off the board. He took them off the board. Okay, great. So now I am going to try to do it again. This is a 20. That is a miss, and you destroy an image. Okay.

And then just for shits and gigs, I'll do it one more time. And I missed. What'd you get? I got a... You have to critically fail to not destroy an image. 18. So you destroy the other image. Wow. Wow. Mirror image is way

worse now. Yeah. Thank you. That. Thank you. That's very nice. That's very kind. You flew across the country to hear that. I get that a lot. It is Xantar of the Zug's turn.

Let's see. I'm raging for nine more rounds. Give me a fortitude save to start. Fortitude save. Okay. That time, way better. 16 plus my fortitude save thingy is... Sorry, my fortitude save is right now currently plus 13.

13 plus 29. 29, you're fine. Okay. Okay. I'm back to normal. No longer flat-footed. Okay. First action. Smash. Okay. Okay. I'm back to normal. No longer flat-footed. Okay. First action.

Smash. Ettercap. Yeah, that one. The one to the north. The one to the north. The one to the north. The one to the north. That is a 27.

That is a hit. Nice. Come on. Get it. All is a hit. Nice. Come on. Get it. All right. That is 17. 17 points of damage. Big hit with your club.

Just smashing this dude. What happened with your mirror image there? You just have to direct. Not your mirror image. Your illusion. You have to direct it Oh, not your mirror image, your illusion. You have to direct it with an action. Yeah, that slowed... Fucked you up. You ruined everything.

Okay. All right. You got two more actions, buddy. Well, just because... So it's just sitting there. Just because I have this ability... It's like it's on the fighter select screen Yeah

I'm gonna do another attack Against the same Ettercap Negative four right You have an agile weapon Negative five Negative five okay here we go Negative four if you move That's all together You have an agile weapon? No, negative five. Negative five. Okay, here we go. Only negative four if you move.

That's all together. That is a 26 minus five, 21. That is a hit. Nice. Very low AC. Keep that damage coming. All right. That time I rolled. This poor woman.

This poor woman. That time I only rolled nine damage. Ha-ha, that sucks. One more attack, very low chance to hit, but you might as well try. Might as well. I don't know where I would move. Yeah, here we go. Ah, the great club comes back around, and he smashes it into you.

Oh, maybe he doesn't't because he only rolled a... This is a 22. Actually, that seems like a hit. Yeah, 22, that's a hit. 22 is a hit. Yeah! Wait, wait, wait, it's minus 10. Minus 10 is a 12!

Not a hit. That's a miss! Swing and a miss for Xantar the Zoogs In his second at bat Finish off the round with Aldo Come on Aldo Alright, Aldo With his first attack He's going to smash another bottle of Alchemist Fire

On the one to the nilth The one to the nilth The one to the nilth That is a 23 to hit 23 is a hit That is 9 points of fire damage. Okay. It is on fire.

Okay. I will forego splash damage as it will not benefit us. Great. Second attack is a 28. 28 is a hit as well. That is 12 points of fire damage. And he did. Yeah! Burn him out! Burn him out! That is 12 points of fire damage. And he did.

Yeah! Burn him out! Burn him out! Burn, you bastards! Burn, you bastards! And with his final action, he is going to try to aid Xantar in his next attack. He is going to throw one arm around his neck. And with his other hand, he's going to pass a little vial of homemade Pepsi under his nose. Given that extra boost that he needs to succeed, I'm going to do an alchemical lore check to aid another.

Very cool. Okay. That is a 24, so that should succeed. That should succeed, which will give him a plus two to hit. Plus two. Okay. That is a 24, so that should succeed. That should succeed, which will give him a plus two to hit. Plus two. Okay. Great. Now give me a four to two.

Great save, because I think you were poisoned by the web lurker as well. That is a 22. That is a pass. Yes. All right. So you're good. Cool. Great. Great. All right. So you're good. Cool. Great.

Great. New round. Halster's turn. Halster's going to swing against the southern cap. Here comes the first attack. Southern cap. Is a 21 to hit. 21 to hit is a hit.

Nice. Yeah, baby. That will be for 12 points of damage. Okay. Great. First time it was hit The second attack is a 32 Which should crit Critical

There we go, baby Critical, critical, critical Critical, critical, critical A 30 points of damage 30 points of damage A slam Kaboom sauce! All right, final attack.

Or do you want to raise your shield? I want to ask San Francisco what I think I should do. Should I third time? Third time? B. Sounds like raise shield to me. Oh, my God! It's a 30!

Yes! Come on! That's it. 18 on the die. That's another 30! Yes! Come on! That's it. 18 on the die. That's another crit. Oh! Great. Great.

26 points of damage. And in one round, you kill this guy. Yes! That is so preposterous. What weapon are you using? It's agile? Yeah, it's agile. It's a short sword.

30 on your third attack. I rolled a 19, Joe. When you roll well, the numbers go higher. If you would do it once in your dumb life. That's how it works. All right. All right, you've had your turn. You cheating son of a bitch.

I got one of these guys left. Were you poisoned at all or no? No, I killed that thing before. Poisoned it. Are you poisoned at all, Grant? Grant's like, no. I'm Grant. What are you about?

All right, I got one of these lurkers left. He's going to go, and he's going after Xantar the Zooks. First, he's going to start with the fangs. 28 to hit. Hit. Okay. 13 points of damage. Give me a Fortitude save.

Fortitude save is a 19. That's a fail. Now, where you passed last time, you progressed back. Now you start over again. So you'll take two points of poison and you're flat-footed. So minus two to your AC for its claw attack, which is agile. Fucking missed.

And then one more claw missed. So not terrible. And now it is Atticus's turn. Give me a fortitude save. Pass and you will remove the slowed condition. Man, just ducking, eking along, like just eking along. Final count.

22. That is a pass. Yes! So what does that mean? That means he's not slowed? Yeah, you move up one, you'll take two points of poison damage and just be flat-footed, but you're not slowed. All right, two points of damage, flat-footed, but not slowed, which is huge. Well, actually, not as much anymore

and that spider in front of you is going to go next right and it's out for rat blood I should get the fuck out of there then um yeah I already used my mirror image alright then he will

let's see um he's going to All right, then he will... Let's see. He's going to... Oh, this is interesting. Do something interesting. Yeah. You know you have a whole round to think about this, right? Yeah, but it changed when Halster, in three attacks, just killed an enemy that had full health.

It doesn't make any sense. Don't forget, you got your buddy up here. I had everything I was going to do. You got this guy up here. Steve. Yeah, I got Steve. But now Steve is so far from the enemy. What do you want me to do?

Yeah, exactly. So, yeah, that's what he'll do. He will move all the way back through all of his allies and out of the way of that creature in front of him. He will then take Steve. Steve! Steve! What? Over there.

All right. And he will put Steve where he was. Hey, how are you? And Steve will attack the big spider in front. And that is a 21 to hit. That's a hit. And he will do six points of mental damage to Billy in the front there. Okay.

Yeah, and that's his turn. That's his turn. Good turn. It's the spider's turn. The spider attacks the fucking illusion. And, all right, so you tell me what happens here. It's going to try and bite it. 20 to hit.

Miss. So Atticus is like, he's concentrating on it. Eyes are rolling in the back of his head. And he, like, has it dodge out of the way. Natural two. Yes. And then a natural three. Yeah!

Unbelievable. All you have to do is hit it, and it's destroyed. I know. There's no HP roll. I had three chances. It is Xantar the Zugster, and there are two enemies left. All right. Xantar will turn to the inner cap to his south, and he will raging attack

with his great club. Let's see what you got. Alright. Ah! That's good. That's a 30. 30 is a... 31. You get a plus one to that roll because of

the aid. Oh, that's right. Just plus one? 31. That's a critical, so double damage. Critical break, critical break, critical break. Critical break. Oh, that's good. That's real good.

36. Yes, awesome. Oh, my God. 36 points of damage. Yeah, because I rolled 18 damage times 2 is 36. It sure is. All right. But wait, I get even more than that.

Sorry about that. No. One second. It's plus 12. So 36 plus 12. 36 plus 12. All right. So 48 points of damage.

Holy shit. 48 points of damage. Okay. Second attack. Okay. I mean, now I'm just going to kind of wait and see what he does. No, I'll attack again. Here we go.

Negative five. Here we go. So, right. Here we go. All right. That time, just a 20 to hit. That is a miss. Okay.

I think I... I don't think I should attack. Should I attack again? Yeah, go for it. At minus 10, really? What the hell else are you going to do? It gets a very good point. I attack again!

All right. And I roll a... That's a three. No, it's not. What the hell is that? That's a 19. So I rolled a nine plus 16. I rolled a 25.

Oh, yeah. Is that with a minus 10? What's that? Is that with a minus 10? Wait. It's the minus 10. Yes. Yeah.

Okay, I'm going to go. Thank you, guys. Good minus 10. Yeah. Okay, I'm going to go. Thank you, guys. Check on Joe while you're back there. It's a new, no, it's end of the round. It's Aldo's turn. Aldo, two enemies left. All right, going to throw a bomb. That is a 28 to hit.

That is a hit, not a crit. Okay, that is nine 28 to hit. That is a hit, not a crit. Okay. That is nine points of damage. It is on fire. I don't think we've done any of the... It's just dead. Yes! Awesome. Okay.

So it's cooking on there, and there's one enemy left. All right. With a second attack, he's going to lob one over the heads of Xantar and Illusionary Steve. That is a 21 to hit. Over Zantar and Illusionary Steve. A 21. It doesn't take any penalties for throwing into John? No, I don't think so.

Then that is a hit. Okay, that is 15 points of fire damage. It is also on fire. Okay. And he's going to take another pass with a homemade Pepsi with the alchemical check for Steve. He fails

to do so. It was flat. It was flat Pepsi. Flat, bats, homemade Pepsi. Nothing worse. It was crystal Pepsi. There is one enemy left, and it is Halster's turn. Halster is going...

Anyone have any doubts as to what's going to happen? 10, 13, 20... He's still immobilized, though. Oh, so can I make the roll to get up? You can make acrobatics or athletics, whatever's better. Okay, here comes a plus 13 right into your face with a 25 to get out of that. You are free, my friend. Wait, was it acrobatics or athletics?

It was athletics. So it's rips. Get that shit out of here. Bantar of the boogs. Here comes Hal's turn. Start up with a second action. And we'll swing. All right, second action, move into place, third action, swing.

30 to hit. What a charmed life. That 30 to hit. What a charmed life. That is a hit. You don't take a penalty on your first attack. It's the first attack, buddy. It's true, it's true. That's a crit, by the way. That's why I was...

You don't not crit. It's amazing. No, that can't be right. Is that right? Well, 24 points of damage. 24 hit points left. Yes! No question! No question!

Bird talk! And all of these poor spiders are dead! And all of these poor spiders are dead. And you walk over to this poor woman, and she's just like... Like, you see, her skin looks purple. She's clearly been poisoned by these horrible nightmare spiders and web lurkers. What do you do? I say, the Viscount is not going to dance with you tonight.

Amazing. Amazing. Are you okay? Can you breathe? There's not webs in front of her mouth or anything like that? She's covered, but you guys can pull it all away. There's four of you. You can free her.

And she's just like, yes, I'm okay. I was pulled up here. I didn't do anything wrong. And they just attacked me. I don't know what their plans were for me, but I feel very sick. And she vomits. My dear.

I'm flat-footed and slowed one. Oh, it is the worst. I know it. I know it well. I'm so sorry. Is it the same type of vomit we saw on the Vi counter earlier? No, she's just straight-up puke. Okay. I'm going sorry. Is it the same type of vomit we saw on the Vi counter earlier? No, it's just straight up puke.

Okay. I'm going to use... Aldo pushes his way to the four, and he is going to use a medicine check to treat poison. Ooh, okay. Give me that check. All right. Oh, nice. That is a 32.

Oh, nice That is a 32 Oh, baby I'm going to say that's good enough to get her in good shape and she obviously takes the news poorly but she's thankful that you saved her life and she's like this would have been a big moment for me I'm but a poor serving

girl to dance with the Viscount would have been wonderful and perhaps we would have banged as well. Perhaps. But I... It was a beautiful dream, but it cannot be. I've always wanted to bang a Viscount.

There's always another ball, my dear. Yes, well, I understand. Perhaps next ball. But please don't tell him that I was caught by these spiders. I don't want to embarrass myself in case he looks for me again one day. No, of course not. We would never dream of it. Besides, it's nothing compared to his explosive diarrhea.

Oh, yes, did you know that, by the way? Well, I did. The Count, rather filled with diarrhea. Well, frankly, that makes me want him even more. Wait, wait, wait. Let's unpack this. No. Let's not.

No, I don't want to talk about it. It's getting late. All right, bye. Bye. And she slides down the ladder. Like a fireball. Dark souls slide down the ladder. Dark souls slide down the ladder. Like a fireball. Dark souls slide down the ladder. Dark souls slide down the ladder.

We'll return to the count. You return to the count. Oh, my dear Viscount. Oh, hello. It's so nice to see you again. Oh, it's so lovely to see you. We have the most wonderful news for you. Oh, what news would that be?

It would be the news that none of your engagements are expecting you to dance this evening. Oh, well, truth be told, I already knew that as my functionaries were watching your progress. Though you did disappear there for a time. You are quite sneaky. I hate it. I hate I want to kill this guy. So, Zantar, kill him! Okay.

Wait, I pull my great club. There are like 20 guards. I put my great club away. I put my club away. Well, thank you for saving me from public embarrassment.

You have earned your ring. And he snaps his fingers and a valet comes over with a cushion. And sure enough, right in the middle of the cushion is the Viscount's signet ring. He says, that's for you. Signet ring. He says, that's for you. And in fact, I'm so pleased. You may take this as a token of my appreciation as well.

And he claps his hands again. And a guy comes over with another pillow that has this belt on it. And the belt is glowing with magic. Oh! Yes, that's for you as well. And, oh, my beloved has arrived. And suddenly there's a hush over the crowd, and all the musicians stop playing their instruments, and everyone just stands there

and starts to back away from the middle of the floor. And there's just thousands of them moving in unison away, creating this space. And he's like, oh, my beloved. And like black tar is coming out of his mouth as he starts drooling in anticipation and slowly walking down the dais past all of you. And he walks rather daintily. And you see everyone is just looking and they start

looking up and as they look up descending from one single web is this enormous gross bloated purple spider and it just

comes down and it's just dripping all sorts of fluids, green and black. And it lands in the middle of the dance floor, and he's like, my beloved. It's just black tar coming out of his mouth. What the fuck? And slowly all the musicians start playing a song and everyone is just like standing there trying not to be horrified. And he reaches over

and he sticks his arms like trying to grasp around this giant bloated purple spider. And they begin to dance. Oh my God. And we'll see you at Gen Con. Oh my my God. And we'll see you at Gen Con. Oh, my goodness gracious. Oh, God.

Thank you, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, Troy LaValle. Thank you, everybody. Thank you, everybody.