The Golden Hour - Episode 117: How The Sausage Is Made

Episode Date: April 16, 2021

With Theo missing, Chris Distefano takes the Rat King's seat. The guys talk Chris having dinner with Tim Dillon and losing his wallet, Theo's transition into Goat Boy, Brendan almost getting into a street fight with Julian Edelman, farting relationship advice, Dave Portnoy's sex tape, Walmart vs Target and much more! Get your King and the Sting merch at katsmerch.com  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This episode of King and the Sting with Chrissy D is brought to you by Unleashed with Dingo and Danny, a new podcast fueled by Monster Energy. Unleashed gets up and close and personal with the best in alternative action motorsports. Get ready for untold stories, career-defining moments, and inside secrets from the world's best athletes and trailblazers. Don't miss out on all the action. New episodes drop every two weeks on Mondays. Listen wherever you get your podcasts or watch on Monster Energy's YouTube. On Lease with Danny and the Dingo, fueled by Monster Energy.

It's just not sexy. Like, you know, come on, man. Yeah, but not everything in life is about being sexy. It is in a relationship, though, dude. What is this one? Because you're comfortable around each other enough. I bet... dude you're comfortable on each other enough i bet back off my broccolini get your life together

don't touch me bro i'm not touching you dude what's up dude how you doing man sorry you're back daddy i'm back dude i don't know where theo is nobody does you never i mean i don't know i don't know where theo is nobody does you never i mean i don't know i don't know dude it's at the point now where i'm just ready to go it's 7 30 in the morning and i'm just ready to get the text and get over here yeah that chrissy spotlight would shoot up in the sky and you just bounce here dude we got to do it so early because you're shooting that tv shit i'm shooting that true tv show that's where that's why i'm dressed like a russian gangster uh russian gangster or an american idol season yeah well this looks like you're shooting that TV show. I'm shooting that true TV show. That's why I'm dressed like a Russian gangster.

Russian gangster or an American Idol season guy? You look like you're on American Idol. You got dressed by American Idol. Well, here's the thing. They didn't give me a show, a wardrobe budget. Oh. So they, and there's no wardrobe person. So like you have to just bring your own clothes. So I'm wearing Lululemon athleisure pants

and some shirt that I found in a bin in downtown LA for nine dollars and 99 cents but you look good do you because here's the thing i i appreciate you saying i look good but i don't feel good that's the worst and when you know when you're off if you don't feel good you know you're out here i feel cute today you and you look cute you look cute and you got a multi-colored button down on you look good you got the little baby communion chain what What is that? A smiley face? That's the Thick Boy official logo. Thick Boy official logo, right?

So you're becoming a monster. Yes. I think that I don't feel good because last night. Do you think it's your body? No. First of all, I've been going to Barry's Boot Camp. I went to Barry's Boot Camp outdoor trainer. Shout out to trainer.

One of the gay guys compliment complimented me that i my ass was high which is i appreciate that oh like you have a high he was like you have a high ass he was like he was like um i was at double floor station eight so it's dfa they're like dfa get that high ass up in the air i was like oh yes um but uh i had i did barry's boot camp and then i and then i had a good day of eating. And then last night, there's this restaurant in LA called Domenico's. It's Italian food from Staten Island. I'm familiar with it.

Dude, Domenico's. It's the best food. The great Tim Dillon brought it over to my house. The great Tim Dillon came to my house two days ago. I love Tim. Brought over Domenico's at 1 p.m. Said, just let this thaw out. I'm going to come back at 6 p.m. We're going to have a feast.

Oh. He brought over like. What a friend. Brought over like $800 worth of food. Then just. Just you and him? Me. Feasting?

Me, him, and my girl, and my kids, and my family. It was like the whole family. What a good time. On Tim Dillon. Tim paid for it. He's the best. Then just doesn't come back that night. So then I just have all this food

and then he's like oh i'm gonna come he said he's gonna come yesterday because he left his wallet at my house so i was like okay come get your wallet and we'll eat some food wallet with id credit card everything never hear from him nothing text him this morning i'm like you're gonna come he's like i'm out of here buddy back to texas enjoy dominicos i'm like what about your wallet he's like i'll get a new one he What about your ID? He doesn't care. What a wild man. Yeah. But I ate last night.

I ate spinach bucatini, pumpkin ravioli, mushroom ravioli, chicken cacciatore, like 10 pounds of sauce. Oh, Chrissy's shitting his pants. Yeah. Then me and my family wanted to walk it off, and we walked it off all the way to Salt and Straw Ice Cream, where I got salted cookie dough malt ice cream that's what i get yes and now and i woke up today and i'm v jiggly you're a little jiggly i am i got tits today is this a new fucking couch by the way it is dude it's kind of like the the casting couch

for it is it's it takes up a lot of space it's also nick's bed it's one of those things where if i'm is this him on is this is this the on Zoom? Yeah, he sent in actually an intro message. Now again, the second T is hidden, so it looks like he's wearing the Hitler shirt. MTT. Minimum. What up, Chris? What up, Birdcage? What are you fellas doing, huh?

I got a surprise for you. The surprise is... Oh, is somebody at the door right in here? No, I'm not going to be coming in the door. I can't make it over there today. I've got some issues here. I've got a thing. I've got some bird mites and stuff like that.

What's he saying why he can't? He's backyard work. He bought a house. I've got some bird mites and stuff like that I'm dealing with. That I understand. Stuff like that. My house is a beast. Outdoor stuff, indoor stuff, all types of different stuff.

It's just impossible to get into for a second into the studio this week feels the guy you ever seen obviously you have shawshank redemption you know the warden when they're when they're uh tarring the roof and he's like yeah i found out i got 50 grand coming to me and everyone's like oh he goes yeah but then you know i get that convertible and the kids are crying everyone's like it's 50 grand dude that's theo he's like yeah i got this new house in nashville i'm like dude that's great yeah, dude. That's Theo. He's like, yeah, I got this new house in Nashville. I'm like, dude, that's great. Yeah. But there's a pool.

I got to hire a pool guy. Yeah. And then there's grass. I'm like, what is going on right now, dude? Yeah, this is what happens. But also 50 grand. I'm like Brad just sipping the fucking cold one being like, chill out. But where's the, oh, the house is in Nashville.

I thought it was in like where he's from in Louisiana. Where? No, he wouldn't go back home. He's in Nashville. Oh, he lives in a real place now. Yes. Well, LA's a real place now yes well LA's real place but so he either you know it's like people either you know follow Rogan to Texas yeah or they're going to Nashville that's where all our friends that's where everyone's going not me baby not me I got it down here yeah I'm gonna I'm going back to New York I'm gonna

live in New York they're like oh it's a 14.8 percent tax hike I'm like so what I'm depressed enough I'll just give all my money to the government. And they just recalled the Johnson & Johnson vaccine today because it's giving blood clots. Well, guess what? I'm taking it anyway. Yeah. I'm just going to take it anyway and light me up. What's a blood clot?

You know? Birth control gives you blood clots. Flying on planes for a long time gives you blood clots. Flying on planes gives you. Being fat gives you blood clots. Yep. You think it's a conspiracy, the Johnson & Johnson, because it's only one shot. That's what you said.

I don't know about that. I don't believe conspiracies. Oh, you don't? They're not conspiracies? Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so I guess we can't say that.

Keep going. But I will be back next week. Chris, I want to thank you for holding it down. He looks like he's most amazing. You know, I really appreciate it. Right? Brendan. And, yeah, I miss you guys, man.

Narc, Chink. Who else is in there? Looks like a lead singer of a late 90s band. He's got hair like Lou Kang from Street Fighter. I can't even remember all the people that work at the studio. He slowly transitioned to full-blown punk rock female. From holding it down. We just accept it.

What else? Not much, man. I love you guys. And I really do wish that I was there. I wish that I was there. And you look like Goat Boy from Saturday Night Live there to rip both of you guys a new asshole. You know what I'm talking about, Brown Syndrome. You know exactly what I'm talking about.

What did he say? Brown Syndrome is funny. All right, man. You guys be good, man. He said, I wish I was there ripping both of you guys a new asshole, and you know what I'm talking about, Brown Syndrome. That's funny. Brown Syndrome is funny.

Brown Syndrome is pretty good. Yeah, I like that. Bring up Goat Boy for me like he slowly transitioned either a goat or full-blown female yeah it's one of the other theo theo is uh but you know what the thing is with theo is even though he's one of those guys where he looks like shit but he looks also looks great i know girls that dig him i'm like you're disgusting yeah he looks great though like but he also looks like he's slowly unraveling i don't know it's it's it looks like a guy at the end of his life but also the beginning of his life i can't explain it it feels slowly transitioning

to goat boy he doesn't look a little bit like goat boy he does look a little bit yeah you want to talk about a conspiracy not jim brewer shout out jim brewer he's great though dude i was on the i was on a cruise uh i did a crew the impractical jokers cruise with him and we were sitting out on his balcony deck just talking about 5g i was like holy shit yeah jimmy oh no jimmy beats the best dude i'm telling you i did that i did that cruise right and i watched j Brewer every night go headline. Dude, he did three different hours. And I'm talking about annihilated to the... It's one of those things where a guy like Jim Brewer is from that class of SNL comedians that you genuinely had to be the funniest person, one of the top 10 funniest people

in the country to get that show. Like he's from the elite of the top 10 funniest people in the country to get that show like he's from the elite of the elite class so when you watch those guys do stand-up there's no like let me figure this out there's no bringing notes professional he just goes and fucking rips yeah and it was a very eye-opening thing to watch him i was like oh wait this is what like the one percent of comedians used to look like yeah this is what these guys are. Like, there's just, it is their life. Like, he could come in here anywhere, podcast setting, stand-up setting, and just annihilate. Dude, think about it. He was opening, emceeing for Metallica.

Yes. And arenas and stadiums and crushing, dude. Yeah. And you obviously, Metallica fans are like, what the fuck is this? And he's still bringing the house down. It's a different, it's a different, it's a different thing when i watched jim brewer it made me want to jump off the boat and i should have jumped off the boat because fucking covid was going to happen anyway were you uh uh yeah they started i was yeah i was one of like 10

it was actually a you know people were 10 commands that's too long of a show well no no it was like the impractical jokers cruise it was actually actually in February of 2020, right before the shutdown. Right before. There were actually some COVID cases already in Asia and some cruise ships that had been docked where the people couldn't get off. Yeah, they were the Petri dishes. I was very close. Did you know that there was an actual comedian on one of those boats that got stuck and he

jumped off the boat because he had to go get to another boat in Alaska for for a gig oh what a savage what a savage and hopefully that show was sold out you son of a bitch i know you what a beast to do that i know he did that and and i remember like that cruise uh it was actually kind of fun to like just like be on the the thing is with the cruise though i was like oh we're on the open ocean and i spoke to one of like the first mate deckhand dickheads i don't know what the hell it is yeah but he was like we're actually not on the open ocean he's like we keep just going back and forth from miami to the bahamas and we're just making a big circle he was like because the people on this boat just want to see the water yeah he's like but he was like let me show you the plan and they literally just kept making donuts in the ocean about three miles off the coast of miami he's like

you're too stupid to pick up on it why would we waste all the gas to go all the way to where the fuck yes yeah he was like he was like we're in a circle i know he said to me he was like haven't you felt haven't you noticed that we've been turning i was like yeah i thought there were icebergs or something sure you know he's so yeah shout out the impractical jokers crew shout out jim brewer uh you know he's those impractical joker boys move tickets want to talk about tickles yeah those guys those guys sell a lot of tickets because they are they're literally every person on the planet knows who they are knows their show i'm talking about from like three-year-olds to 95 year olds yeah my dad oh yeah my dad's like you want to see funny you need to watch them like but you know what it is and now now see here's the thing now i'm doing the true tv show and true tv and these

networks they just want to keep remaking the impractical jokers in any way they can which is tough to do because those guys were friends for 30 years their boys before they had a show chemistry the chemistry it's like yeah you know they you can't just even my show they're like we're gonna make it the impractical jokers of building i'm like the guys i'm with i just met 10 minutes ago but that's hollywood you know they're like oh we'll just do this or we'll do this yeah yeah yeah no yeah we're all friends dude that's why this works well now now i know no let's put morgan freeman with you guys be hilarious i know they've they've They've instituted now in my show an element of, like, a prank surprise. They're like, ooh, a surprise.

I'm like, what am I going to surprise them with? A two-by-four to the head? Yeah. This is a build show. You build the fucking bar. And is there anything worse when you have writers in the room, and this is for that type of TV show, and they write something that they think is funny? Oh, God.

I'm telling you, this isn't going to work. No. For my show, they'll just shout it out from like the crowd they'd be like say this and i'm just like oh god but i just to be honest with you i'm not i'm one of those guys where i know some people be like no i'm i'm the funniest guy in the room blah blah but i just say what they say and i'm like dude do whatever you want again editing edit me however the hell i have no control over the edit so i'm kind of like i've given up i have i that's that's my attitude towards most things now.

You're a company man now. Well, not even that. I'm just like, I've given up. So when I'm doing the TV, it's like, whatever you're going to make me look like, you're going to make me look like. When I'm in here, I'll just say whatever I want. And are they familiar with this? Do they know you do this?

Oh, yeah. No. I've told them multiple times when I got the show. I was like, have you listened to my podcast? Have you listened to the history I eat? Is have you listened to what I've said you listened to the history? I eat is. Have you listened to what I've said on that show? And they were like, yes, we love it.

I was like, OK, I hope you don't listen to episode eight where I go back. Yeah, where I where I where I go over the pros and cons of the Nazis. This episode of King and the Sting with Chrissy d is brought to you by unleashed with dingo and danny a new podcast fueled by monster energy unleashed gets up and close and personal with the best in alternative action motorsports get ready for untold stories career defining moments and inside secrets from the world's best athletes and trailblazers don't miss out on all the action new episodes drop every two weeks on mondays listen wherever you get your podcasts or watch on monster energy's youtube unleashed with danny and the dingo fueled by monster energy yo man i get hit up all the time

hey i'm trying to get my diet right hey i'm too thick i'll be part of the thick boy club but right now i'm just the fat boy club well guess, guess what, man? Today's program is brought to you by Athletic Greens, the most comprehensive daily nutritional beverage I've ever tried. All right? There's so many stressors in life. It's difficult to maintain a correct diet. All right? Your body's just jonesing for some nutrients, man, because you've got a busy schedule. Maybe you've got bad sleep.

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What's this? We got the thing to sting it from a fellow thick boy. Ooh, TLC 600-pound live. God, wow, this guy will get softly kissed on his lips. What's up, guys? Quick cane to sting for you yummy bmi surgery april 6 i got bmi surgery you know before my surgery i lost over 90 pounds i went from 451 and now i'm 353 after surgery it just happened a couple days ago I'm feeling a little rough I heard Paul Wall on here talking about it

Shout out Paul Wall Brandon really gave me Basically all the inspiration In the world To try to get in shape And live longer And that's beautiful Shout out you

Shout out Chappelle for trying to lose weight too Fucking shout out Chappelle for trying to lose weight to fucking you'll probably everyone I literally yeah okay this is a new side of life good for you thank you guys for being with me love it dude King but a positive does it very positive guy here's the thing with that when you get that tummy surgery when when you, you know, they, they make your stomach smaller. Okay. My girls had friends who have done it and right. They lose weight like right away.

But if you're just so fat and you keep eating it, you're, it will, the staples will, it'll just go. And then they just gain all the weight. So we went through all that shit for no reason. So you still got to say discipline, dude. Discipline. And it's also, I think it's dangerous because if you eat, if you explode your stomach from the inside i would imagine you're gonna leak fluids but i'm so jealous because i know some some girls that got it done and they'll come over our house

and have like one chicken wing like i'm stuffed i'm like oh i wish that was me because i'm 27 deep and i feel sick dude this kid yeah man this kid Power to this kid. I feel like because the BMI surgery, because it's one of those things where you can get that surgery. There's like a stigma to get. Some people are scared of getting the surgery. Some really heavy people are like, because there's a chance you could die on the surgery. Like your heart is weak. But either way, you're going to go.

So this is kind of like your last. Do you want to just take a swing? Let's take a Hail Mary here. Maybe get it done. You ever watch the TLC 600 pound life life they go to that same doctor in Houston he has the gold fucking hearing shit he has the gold around his neck yeah and every it's the ice quit watching it cuz the show is Groundhog Day yeah it's a fat person they're gonna drive all the way out there they're in pain driving out there he gives them a diet he tells them for

six months you got to lose whatever 170 pounds over yeah and then they come back and he's like have you been sticking through the diet and then they're like i was and he's like well if you would you'd lose weight they no one ever sticks the fucking diet it's the same thing every single time well what i think what i'd like to know is i wish this guy would have told us what he ate the night before his surgery because that must have been chaos. That must have been nuts. I mean, pizzas, eating the box, chicken wings, ice cream, two liters of soda. I want to know how many calories he put down. Have you ever seen the two sisters, the thousand pound sisters?

No. Are they single? One is and has a forehead for days. And I think you'd be up to it. DM me at Christy Comedy. Hit me in those DMs. They're YouTube stars. Okay.

But this is how fat I am. I will watch these two sisters, and when they eat, I get hungry. Right. So they were trying to lose weight. They made lasagna, and she looks at the other sister, the one with the fat on the forehead. Right. She looks at her, the bottlenose dolphin. She looks at her and goes, should we put bacon in the lasagna and she's like oh that might be good and they slide bacon in between all the

lasagna see that's the thing is it's like but but what that is is is i mean that's it's really like it's a physical thing but it's a men it's like a mental health disorder like the eating you know it's all addicted it's all emotion it's some emotional thing. So I don't know if like when they get these BMI surgeries, like they need to then also be in like psychotherapy drugs or get over whatever issue they have. That's causing them to eat. Because I mean, if you're, you know, not even making fun of her. But I mean, if you're if you're got have you gained so much weight that you're getting fat on your forehead? No, it's like daddy issues. If you have a tricep on your forehead, got we got some issues that's no good here's the

other thing that's curious on tlc i've seen way too much of them whenever there's like a 800 900 pound girl there's always a real skinny boyfriend there's always a super chubby chase on my friend justin they're always super into it man yeah they like skin listen and then he's kind of hating he's like i don't think this is going to work. This is dangerous. But he just wants to keep it real plump. Listen, I may have told you this before, but I'm very attracted to chubby Indian women. I like a nice chubby Indian woman.

And... How chubby? How Indian? How... No, I like... I mean, if they're like all the way like from India, like India, India, that's a plus. But I like Indian American too. But I would say, not that there's a cutoff, but I've dated Indian women who are 260, 270.

Yes. Yes. I like a chunky Indian. An Indian E-Honda. That's your vibe. Yes. And I don't know why. I don't know why.

Something in your childhood? Probably something in my childhood. And I've never really thought about what it is but i do know that i find myself quite often masturbating to uh chubby indian women on point it's dude yeah it's its own it's weird there's probably not a lot of chubby indian porn out there so you probably really oh is it yes is it a whole you can find. No, no, no. Oh, is it? Yes. Is it a whole demo? You can find. Oh, yeah. Well, no. Have you seen it, Nick? What? Come on.

Google chubby Indian women porn. Or chunky Indian women. Big black Indian. Yeah. You know, big Indian women. Or if you just watch some Bollywood movies, you always got a nice, you know. Big black. So big Indian.

B-I-W. B-I-W. Big Indian women. B-I-W. Yeah, so here we go. See, yeah. I'm just into, you know, just, I don't know what it is. You know what I think it is?

I think when I was like 20, 21, I dated a girl who was, who was like an old kind of overweight Indian girl. And she was just so good in bed that I think, I think that I thought that all of them would be like that, but they're not necessarily. Who's such your style there? They love white men. Really? Indian. I don't know what it is. I feel like that but yeah they're not necessarily your style there they love white men really indian i don't know what it is that's frowned upon no no they love they secretly love white men they love white men a lot i when i was single there was a lot of indian women not chubby some chubby some not but a lot of indian women would would would start a message

like oh you know my father would kill me found that i'm messaging you and i'm like yeah well well you know it's the price you're gonna pay them out I'm messaging you. And I'm like, yeah, well, you know. That's the price you're going to pay to get these dick pics. That's what it is, yeah. Now, does your girl currently know that your soulmate's a fat Indian woman? She does know, and she doesn't. You know what's interesting about my girl, because she's seven, eight months pregnant? She's at the point now, she used to get so mad at me all the time about this, who you're

looking at, whatever. She's also disconnected. She doesn't care anymore now too she can't at some point she's got to give in she's just like whatever like these girls gonna like your pics i'm sure you'll message some of them like i don't care i don't care anymore she's like i don't care she's like just keep doing the podcast let's get this house on long island just keep doing it and then they'll cancel you just keep doing it i think with our our boy, like you said, he's got to stay disciplined to make it work. We could check in on him. Yeah, I'd like that.

That's a fun adventure. If he meets us down at 260, we fly him to the podcast or something? Yeah. Hell yeah. If he gets down at 260, I'll fly him out to LA. And you know what, too? We'll put him in the culture corner. And we'll also get food.

But celery or some shit. That'll probably be his first. I bet you he's never even been on a plane before. I bet you that'll be one of his first trips. They can't fly. No, so that's going to be awesome to get him on that. If you get down to 260, you can fly. Probably give him his first flight, first trip to L.A.

You can take him horseback riding. You can't do that when you're too big either. Yeah, there you go. Although I was in Montana, I was on a horse named The Fridge, and he could probably handle that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a jacked horse. By the way, speaking of jacked,

I saw Chappelle put up like 250 pounds. 250, 10 times. Damn, Daddy. Yep. I'm out here doing Barry's boot camp. I don't know why you don't come to zoo with us, dog. Because our boy Mark Harley takes through a workout. Everybody getting fucking jack

i'm gonna start coming in two weeks because i gotta do this fucking show where thick boy summer dog did you go today i'm going after this right i'm going to another show have you seen this guy mark hurley is that the guy with the long hair the jack ripped guy gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous distractingly good looking yeah he looks like aquaman he was in here on our cats after dark oh was he really yeah and uh and he we were all commenting on his body right when he walked in. It's nuts. And he was like, you know, it's a little like you just don't want to be looked at just for your look. I was like, we look at you like a piece of meat.

100%. He's really funny. Is he so disciplined diet-wise too? Yeah, super disciplined. Also super gifted genetically. Right. Like he never got fat.wise too? Yeah, super disciplined. Also super gifted genetically. Right. Like he never got that. Played college football.

Yeah. Yeah. Football players always maintain their jackedness. I don't know. You don't think so? Especially like the linemen, you know, like 360 pounds. They either get like super shredded or they just blow up. Blow up.

Yeah, no, I feel like, I feel, ugh. I had Wayne Kribet, you know, the old receiver. Oh, the receiver for the Jets? The Jets. Dude, he told me, he told me that he, when he came on my podcast, he said that the linemen used to, like, for, like, in the late, first of all, he told me if there were camera phones in the late 90s, the entire New York Jets.

They don't want to be canceled. He said New York Jets, no, he said they'd be in prison. To this day, they'd still be in prison. that's exactly what he said on my podcast wow i was like should we edit that out he goes no no we'd all be in prison so yeah and then he said that the he said that the linemen over the course of the year like to haze the rookies would shave down the calluses underneath their feet and put it in like a cup like shakes put it in like a cup and then they would shred it over a salad and make them eat it like like parmesan cheese like parmesan cheese at the end of the year and they all had to eat that's a salt brother that's fully assault i'd rather just

pay for the lineman's dinner i know that's what i said yeah and then and then i was like so what else did you guys he was like no no he's like i'm being serious he's like if i told you what we did on camera like we would potentially go to prison wow i was like okay wayne well okay when catch catch us every tuesday 11 a.m chrissy chaos they were good then though yeah i was like you need to bring some of that back no he got sucked well that's what he and he told me too he said he was it was fascinating i had him on and then i had tiki barber on and for the for like nfl athletes just talk about like what used to happen like in the 90s and early 2000s like even the talking that used to go down. Wayne, he was like the things that people would say to each other.

Get you canceled now. Oh, my God, yeah. He was like, it was the things on the field were crazy. I mean, crazy, like, you know, racist, sexist, whatever. Wayne Corbett was a baller. Dude, baller. You know what was awesome about him? He had this bar.

Still handsome, or he looks like Mark Norman? He looks like Mark Norman now. No, baller. You know what was awesome about him? He had this bar. Still handsome or he looks like Mark Norman? He looks like Mark Norman. No, handsome as fuck, dude. He's, and his son, his son's a cutie and just waiting for him to turn 18

and he, and he, Wayne Corbett used to own this bar called Corbett's on Long Island right across the street from Hofstra University.

Creative name. Dude, and they would let everybody in with the underage ID. That was the spot. Yep, well, that's also illegal. Also illegal. I also and they would let everybody in with the underage ID. That was the spot. Yep. Well, that's also illegal. Also illegal.

I also like Wayne Corbett style now. Yeah. I'm more of a fan. You like Wayne Corbett? Yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah, no. And he could-

Dude, a small slot white receiver? Oh, yeah, dude. Dude. Oh, yeah. You're a unicorn these days. That's the thing, dude. And he's from New Jersey, too. He went to Hofstra, right?

He went to Hofstra. Yep. That's tough to make it for the league out of there. No, because he's just all determination. He was just like, yeah, it was just this little white guy.

Julian Edelman's kind of similar to him. You know he retired. Why? He had injuries. He was dealing with injuries all year and then finally the Patriots cut him.

He's like, I'm done anyways. I'm done anyway. We don't have Tom Brady, so I'm out. Also a Jewish guy, Julian Edelman. You don't see a lot of Jews getting into the sports like that. How about this? Me and me and him we're cool now but me and him almost got a fight at a bar you and julian edelman me and julian edelman what happens i still am really

close with tim tebow and he didn't know me and tim were close and we were drinking we were with scotty mcknight and hayden panettere so there's like you know it's like this yeah who's who there and for whatever reason uh tim gets brought up and he just starts hating on him. And he's one of my best friends. And I was like, ah, you got to chill. So me and him start arguing. And then he said something to me about, well, you ain't going to do shit. And I'm like, what?

Right. The fuck? Yeah. And then finally, my friend Scotty came up to me and was like, hey, dude, I feel like that's a bad. Because at the time, I was, I think, ranked 11 in the world. And he was like, that's a bad idea, dude. Bad idea. Don't do that.

But we made up. Great dude. Has Tim Tebow... Tim Tebow's married now, right? Yeah. Oh, so he's got that punan finally. Yeah. Good for him.

Good for Timmy. I mean, remember there was that shot of Tim Tebow, I remember, on SportsCenter when he was just running across the field with no shirt on with his pecs bouncing? Yes. And I remember just watching that on ESPN, just like... First team all body. Just staring at the, yeah, he's one of those guys where he looked like, because I know like, you know, when he was playing college football,

like this legendary athlete, but he looked like one of those guys that was either going to go the route he went, you know, being like religious and following that thing, or, you know, kill people in a mass shooting. Flies off the handle. Kill his family, suicide, all that stuff. Just snapping. Too disciplined for that. But so far he's going off the handle. Kill his family. Suicide. All that stuff. Just snap. Too disciplined for that.

But so far, he's going the right way. Most disciplined person you've ever met in your life. How so? Almost obsessive about it. So, like, when he was on keto, it was like, dude. I mean, keto. Like, didn't miss a beat. Dude.

For years. He was doing keto before everyone started doing it. See, for me, it's always the weekends. Like, on a Saturday or a Sunday. My fight night, Saturday night, my girl makes, you know, for years. He was doing keto before everyone started doing it. See, for me, it's always the weekends, like on a Saturday or a Sunday. My fight night, Saturday night, my girl makes some shit. I'm like, I'm not a competing athlete. Yes. I don't have a competition. Right.

Give me that fucking chicken. Is Tim Tebow still doing keto? I'm sure he's doing something. Yeah, right, because he always just. He's always super disciplined. Does he live out here? No, he lives. This is Tim Tebow now.

Imagine. You're like Tim Tebow. We actually got an update from Tim. Here he is. Between church gates. Massey here coming at you from Louisiana. I've got a king in her stinger for you. Cheat days.

I'm an extra thick boy myself. I started out at about 390 pounds. Um, tired of trainer, been going to the gym, trying to eat right. Hell yeah, dog. Down to about 350, about four or five months. Um, so just wanted to know, hey, looking for a little insight, a little motivation. You know, do I take a day out of the week, go eat all of that good Cajun food that I love to eat? Yep.

Some jambalaya, maybe, you know, maybe an extra helping of that gumbo. Yep. But. Keep going. I don't know, man. It's been tough. It's been real tough. But I was listening to the podcast, kind of tired of Brandon talking about how he's a thick boy.

Meet me at 320, bro. Yeah, yeah. You know what? You look like one of them little cups of cinnamon butter you get at Texas Roadhouse. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you wish, daddy. Love the show. Love you guys.

Love you, man. Gang, gang. Buzz, buzz. Whoa, got them baby blues. Damn. Yo, you can't be out here with baby blues and bangs. Yeah, dog. You got that beaver cut, man.

Whoa. That beaver cut's sick, dog. I didn't expect that, dude. I thought he was going to take off his glasses and have one eye. Damn. At least a cock eye. Yo, he hit it with it. But I think what he's saying is, yeah, did you need at least one day to just fuck around?

See, I disagree. Okay. Because here's the thing. Obviously, when he says cheat days, you mean every day for him for a long time. Yes. So you don't have cheat days. You have cheat years. Yes. And that's fine. So the thing is, especially when you first start, dude, you got to be super disciplined. There can be

no cheat days because I'm sure he's like me because I have that inner fat kid in me as well where if I get one cheat day, it unravels. Avalanche. I have to be so strict or I can't be one foot in, one foot out. Are you so strict? Super strict right now.

Right now. You don't do it like what I did last night with the pasta. Would never happen. You would just would not do it. I would purge afterwards. You would truly vomit. A hundred percent. I've done that before.

So what do you do for a din-din at night when you're really hungry? Last night I had chicken and half a cup of white rice. That's just how you're rolling right now. That's how I'm rolling. But when you put on- Summer's coming, dog. But when you put on all the weight, well, not all the weight. You said you put on 20, 30 pounds in quarantine.

Yeah. You were eating like a fat fuck? Whatever I want, yeah. You were going nuts. I have to be like, if I do a cheat day, it just unravels everything, and then I'm out of whack. What if there's a football game on or something? What are you going to eat? Can't do it.

Like, you could have maybe a little spoonful. Let's say it's fucking pie or some shit like that. But you can't go full meals, like especially for him. He's been cheating for so long. Like his life is an entire cheat. So when you get discipline, you got to stick to that. At least give yourself like six months and then earn that cheat day. Wow.

That's what I would say, especially at his level. Interesting. Yes. He's thick with five C's. See, I was only three. But I was. Interesting. He's thick with five C's.

Mine's only three. But I was... Because I think the only diet that seems to work forever is that intermittent fasting. That's the only... It's not for everybody, though. You got to get your blood work, and they'll tell you if intermittent fasting works for you. Because it doesn't work for everybody.

Because I was intermittent fasting for years, and I met with my dietician, nutritionist, Mike Dolchain. He's like, how's that been working for you right i'm like i'm the heaviest i've been he's like yeah so what do you keep fucking doing it really he's like because you you know you don't eat till one in the afternoon so you're starving your body it's your body storing fat he's like and then to make up for those calories you're eating late at night he's like he's like do me a favor for the next few weeks start with a light breakfast have a snack lunch, lunch, snack, dinner, snack.

He's like, see how that goes for you. It's been fucking great. That's what it's been. It's really about just not eating late, too. If you just stop eating at 8 p.m., that works, right? Kind of, but even that, not for everybody. Also, your body's starving. So when you're starving your body, your body's storing fat.

So you want to fuel the machine. So if you're hungry. So you want to get your metabolism burning. Just eat healthy foods. Just eat healthy. Like you can eat it late at night, but have something healthy. Like an apple or some vegetables or some shit. Right.

Or a protein drink. All right, fine. Fine. That's what I'll fucking do then. I'm sorry. I ate Bucatini yesterday. Like, dude, I was eating it with my hands. My daughter was looking at me like she thought I was having a seizure.

Yeah, because I I starve myself. But here's the problem. You don't want to be that dick on a diet while your girl's pregnant. That's a problem, too. You don't want to be that guy. What are you doing, dude? I know. I know.

I've been comfort eating with her. But you're also shooting a TV show. But do you think I look cute or am I looking chunky? No, I think you look cute, dude. I think, yeah. My face looks okay? Yeah, you look good, dude. Okay.

I think I have a mole I need to have removed. No. The mole gives you flavor. No, but it's starting to get big where i know it's growing a hair out of it yes and i see the mole my grandma has a mole like that on her fucking face yeah i know and i cry me a river dog i noticed that like you know like even yesterday the makeup lady she kept like putting powder on the mole oh no leave them i was like what's wrong with my mole she's like yeah it's fine it's fine i just did fine. Did you get sun? You know, like they all... I mean, Marilyn Monroe had a mall, dog.

She did have a mall. And then she fucking got shot in the head. Or no, how did she die, Marilyn Monroe? They say suicide. Everyone thinks she committed suicide. She was hooking up with JFK. Yeah. We got a relationship advice question.

Oh, I love helping people out. Me too. What up, King and the Sting? It's your girl, Michelle, out here in wonderful Cheyenne, Wyoming. Ooh, that's the capital. I am submitting a question today because I have had debates about this in the past. So my question, how long until you can fart in front of your significant other? Ooh, interesting.

People like me, I say don't matter. It's natural. You're nasty. People like my mom, who's been married for 36 years, still refuses to fart in front of her husband. I hold it in that eye. So talk about it. Let me know. I'd love to hear your thoughts on it.

Gang, gang, buzz, buzz. It'd be funny if she's like, gang, gang, buzz, buzz. Dude, I think you have to fart in front of them. Oh, I say never. What? I've never farted. I've accidentally where I'm like holding it in. You've never to fart in front of oh i say never what i've never farmed i've accidentally where i'm like holding it in you've never farted in front of your girl on accident i have but i keep it sexy dude i keep it sexy at all costs so you don't like when you're shitting she doesn't know no i we have a separate bathroom like she'll know what i'm doing but it's and she's

never farted in front of you no never dude you're both gonna die of colon cancer maybe i mean it does hurt when you're holding in that long but yes wow never that's interesting i know my son farts my girl like what do you say he's like excuse me i'm like i don't like that though yeah because that's nerdy nerdy yeah if you're gonna farts being him start laughing yeah that's the move that's awesome yeah no i rip ass in front of my girl oh my god she doesn't she never would but i mean i'm talking about like like i record my farts like i fully record my farts and i text them to her yeah wait i keep talking dude i legitimately record my farts and text them to her often let now let's just. Now, let's just put out what Chris offers to his girl. Yes.

You're really attracted to thick, fat Indian woman. That's who you should probably be with. 100%. You constantly fart around her. Yes. Right? Yes. Constantly fart around her.

Yes. And you record your farts. And text them to her. Yes. And I text them with titles like, go mets or things like that and then she's like oh what is what and then it's just uh yeah i don't know oh god this girl's asking but uh she's evidently single and she does all the time and her mom has been married for 36 years and doesn't do it so who's it working for i mean this one the first 48 probably solved in about one second.

It's a good point. That's yeah. I mean, it's just not sexy. Like, you know, come on, man. Yeah, but not everything in life is about being sexy. It is in a relationship, though, dude. What is this one? Because you're comfortable around each other enough.

This one says live life. This one says live life. The ones that are three to four seconds that say live life, go Mets, hey mom, things like that. And then it's just rip it ass. You're on set or what? No, dude. That one, I don't know. You're phoning somebody pink eyed.

That was from 2017. Yeah, no. 2017? Yeah, these are oldies, dude. There's one. if i could find it dude fuck i wish if i could find it the one it was literally it was so crazy i sent it to i sent it to on a group text to to my girl my um my child stepfather who's uh an emergency room doctor my dad and my emergency room doctor friend called me and was like are you okay laughing no he was like he was like i think you might have a block it's like i would set up i'd like to set up a gastroenterologist consultation and then they

did and i had to get a colonoscopy oh wow i swear to god because he was like that he asked me all these questions you have this fart on your phone from 2012 oh no that was okay that was just that was something else i thought because it said three seconds then it said panchitos mexican restaurant so i figured that's the one this has to be yeah that's the fart go dude go mets go met yeah a fuck dude i can't chin i know you've never ripped a fart around your girl ex Ex-girlfriend. You barely sneeze. No. I mean, I would rather do it, but. Really? I don't really want to. You'd be like, what's up, babe?

I think girls, when they ask you to do it, they want to feel that bond even closer. My ex-girlfriend, that's why she's like, we were together for like two years now. I think we should fart. This is the one. By the way, I just found the one. This is wet. This is the one. And it just says 90th Street.

I don't know why I thought it would be funny. Like I'm on a location. But this is the one because he said of the soundth Street. I don't know why I thought it would be funny. Like I'm on a location. But this is the one because he said of the sound of it. And he said. It's wet. No, it's wet. And he said the way. It's muffled.

The way that it ramps up. Yeah. Like the sound ramps up. He was like, that's indicative of a blockage. Here we go. So it's quick. If you listen again. And he said the way it's splattered you listen again and he said the way the way it's yeah yeah he said he was like you know that's hilarious like you're a funny guy whatever he's like but i got very cool but i think

you have something going on down there i genuinely want to check if you have polyps he's like so let's just get to that yeah you're like oh thanks but so that's that's how i am is i just send the farts because for me it's like not only is it like, you know, whatever. We're all just people health. But I just feel like if she can, you know, deal with me farting and my shit and all that. I clogged the toilet a couple of days ago, like full shit to the brim of the toilet. It's actually on my Patreon. You had to get your Deuce Bigelow on and fucking.

No, she did it. She clogged the toilet and was taking clumps of my shit. Your was taking clubs girl yes and i didn't ask her to do it it's just i because i don't really know how to fix anything and i was just looking for a plunger for like an hour that's that puerto rican and they're just going to town because i just didn't want to do it she's like give me the fucking plunger and then and then she did it and i was like why are you doing this why are you doing this and then my guy the homeless pimp who was staying with me last week because we were filming my podcast just filmed her just fucking eat just plunging clumps of my shit yeah dude but that's what she but she doesn't care but then she literally she does though she does no but she does

she does i don't know she does we had sex this morning you should release uh that archive of all the farts on vinyl i should make him an nft that's what it is make money my farts are an nft i'm living nick you look like a farter uh yeah i yeah it's it's like my girlfriend doesn't fart in front of me at all i'm with the door open like yeah a little too comfortable dude like this one's gonna be loud let her know yeah yeah i don't record them yet should it's fun to record them because i just think it put for me i just think it puts a thing in them yet should it's fun to record them because i just think it put for me i just think it puts a thing in the relationship where it's like if you can be with me like through sickness and through health it's like you've heard some of these farts sickness

so you're going if you're going to stay with me through that then i think that i see i think there's a little bit of respect level too i want some shit to stay what i think about you you're not it's you're there's not an honesty in a relationship if you're not going to fart. It's like, ooh, because I would say, okay, you don't want to fart in front of me. What else are you hiding from me? What else?

Because I know it's coming out of your butt. That's how I would think about it. Interesting. Yep. It goes back to Marilyn Monroe. If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't get me at my best. That's what it is.

Sure. That's what it is. Now, Chin, you had a girl that wanted you to fart for my ex-girlfriend. After like a couple of years, she was like, we should probably fart in front of you to fart for my ex-girlfriend after like a couple years She was like we should probably fart in front of each other to be closer. Yeah, it's like a barn thing. Yes Yeah, sure. Hey chin. How many times did you shit on her? No? We literally went brr brr and it's no weird afterwards. Are you guys together?

So I bet it was so awkward. You're like really? She's all Neural yeah, yeah, yeah, come out of her was kind of it was so awkward. You're like, really? And she's all, and you're all. Yeah. Hearing it come out of her was kind of, it was a little weird. Wait, how does your girl respond when you send her the messages? When I send her the messages, usually there's no response. Like, there's just no response.

I mean, she doesn't like it, Chris. She doesn't care. But, like, because the thing is, too, like, when I, like, rip, like, an insane fart, like, out of, like, the top of my ass crack, which is hard to do. A lot of people come at the bottom. There's sometimes where I fart. I don't know why it travels up like an insane fart like out of like the top of my ass crack which is hard to do a lot of people come at the bottom there's sometimes where i fart i don't know why it travels up like an elevator and it almost like rattles my tailbone and the kids die laughing like fall out of their car seats funnier than a fart to kids dude they're falling out of their car seats so that makes my girl laugh and she's like we're such a happy family because i'm just ripping shit in the seat dude my one-year-old, he doesn't know.

It's just in their bones, man. He'll fart and he'll laugh his ass off. Yeah, dude. It's in our DNA. But see, even just what you said, if literally our factory setting as children is to laugh at the fart, why do we need to change that then as adults? Because there's some things that you don't have to show how the sausage is made in relationship there's something like me my girl keep it sexy at all times i get like even in the house like i don't wear like frumpy clothes she don't wear frumpy clothes like she'll wear sexy like like pajamas and like i'm not in just like

shit clothes around the house what the hell dude this is psychotic why what are you talking about really well you're not like so you don't like i won't leave the house in sweats i won't let anybody see me in sweats unless i'm working out what the fuck is are you there's a standard you fucking what dirtball what do you live in an abercrombie and fitch like you're home with the kids. Why not just, you know... Well, when it's me and the kids, I'll let it loose with the kids. But when your wife's home,

you don't see her no makeup, hair up in a bun, making bacon, yelling at everybody like that? Yeah, she does that, but she's not dressed like a fucking bum. But what do you mean? So you make her... I don't make her do anything.

She'll wear like a sports bra with her big-ass titties. I feel like you're running a fucking Middle Eastern household. You're running... doing like i'm running apple yeah no you're no you're right it's like uh it's like you know switch up she's got to look a certain way and the men gets everything and you she better not come down those stairs not looking hot no not that not that i'm gonna meet her we're gonna have our family we gotta get done i'm gonna talk her into i'm gonna i'm gonna get inside her and i'm gonna roll don't say get inside. Oh, no. Don't say get inside. I didn't mean to say that.

I meant to say get inside her mentally. Because don't back me in a corner and make me fuck your pregnant wife. Dude, literally, you versus my pregnant wife, I'm not, you would think you'd win, but I'm genuinely not 100% sure.

No, I'd have to see her. Because she would be able, dude, how about this? This literally, it was actually terrifying, but I couldn't believe like how pregnant women's bodies and minds just go into a place to protect the baby this is true a few days ago it was like

six o'clock in the morning it was easter six o'clock in the morning we went to in my trunk we had gotten some um like easter eggs for the kids or whatever and you know we're hot you know putting gonna put it out like an easter egg hunt for them like when they woke up and we we just moved into this new place and there's like this step that she didn't realize was there and she's walking with the Easter egg box right in front of me

and she trips and I it was like slow motion watching her trip and to protect dude to protect her stomach if she wasn't pregnant she would have just fallen it would have been fine to protect her stomach I watched this what she did she protected like flip in the air no dude she went literally she was like parallel to the floor she skyrocketed her body and smashed her head off the cement the baby wall outside our house and landed on her back like she was like literally

like bleeding from her head and had like a black it looked like i beat her that's sexy but i know yeah we had yeah i think we had no we didn't have sex that night yeah um but she because she had a concussion also pregnant sex but she but dude i couldn't believe how like her body just like instinctively was like protect the baby so i think if you fought her in a ufc match and you and you tried to hit her with like a gut shot, she'd kill you. She would just know it. She would just figure out a way to hit you. I wouldn't mess with her. Yeah. Yeah.

So, but I think when our families hang out, I need to have a talk with, our families need to talk about the differences between us and how we can be more similar. Agree. Yeah. Okay. Good. It's going to be good. Hey, Boppy.

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That's code K-A-T-S. Plus, every order is insured, shipped free, and arrives discreet little package so it doesn't give away the surprise. Shop stress-free on bluenile.com today. This guy's got a king in her sting it for us hey what's up theo what's up onion where do you even buy that shirt it's a great where would you buy that shirt i honestly genuinely my heart belief he bought that at a cvs you think cvs or at a trump rally yeah 100 yeah hey 100%. Hey, what's up, Theo?

What's up, Onion? This is Clark from Bisbee, Arizona. My friends call me Clark. And so I want to say this, guys. What do you guys think? King it or sting it? You know? What do you think about these underwater births of babies a lot of women now you see them having that uh that drippy kitten you feel me and um so or or

do you like that old-fashioned that dry rub so that's what i'm saying king or sting it underwater births or that regular just straight into the air animal gang gang buzz buzz love it dude the dry rub i like the dry that one that was a tough obstacle for theo to get through that one. Yeah, Theo. Buzz. Buzz. Yeah. It looked like it hurt for him to get that out. Oh, it did.

It did. I think I would do underwater birth. You're doing that at home, though, in the bathtub. I know. It's 2021. Why the fuck are you giving birth at the crib, dude? In the crizib. I know. I'm a big fan of the C-section.

Doesn't ruin the vagina and it's it's like the kid for sure comes out ready to go like even if he's upside down there's a cord they get them out and there's a time like when i know they want to do it natural but women do you know they're in labor for 46 hours it's like you know we could just take care of this like dude my kid when my daughter was born my first daughter was born her uh mom went into the delivery room no epi son no epidural just went in full 1700s giving birth and now now is your girl from the movie apocalypto yes what the fuck dude she's just she just fucking white knuckled it and she dude we're flying home we're flying

home uh like may 24th and may 25th my kids due dates like july 4th like she could potentially give birth i feel like that's not i didn't think you could even fly out her doctor her doctor doesn't give a fuck her doctor's like dude you could do it that's those new york doctors that's why our entire nation shut down thank you i. I know. But I'm so nervous about it, flying home. But she was like, what? If it happens, I'll just give birth. Her sister gave birth in their house, like, unexpectedly. Didn't even call the doctor.

Her sister and her mother delivered the baby. And then they went to the hospital. They called 911. Dude, that's what it is. They're gangsters. Gangsters, dude. Puerto Ricanos. Apocalypto.

Yeah. Good movie, Apocalypto wow good movie apocalypto great reference yeah look at this kid this guy's roofie somebody for sure guys this one's for debate club uh what's more interesting day portnoy sex tape or bad babies only fans oh good question man very good question he's built like a makeup shark um yeah man have you seen port noise set i didn't see port noise sex it's pretty good is it good yeah he's got moves uh well no it's kind of it's it's very um it's very american psycho okay like she he has a belt around her neck hot girl and i forget who she's a camper we can't watch it right probably uh we'll watch it

just so you just for your edification. It won't go on the episode. Okay. But also Nick's going to jack off. Dude. Not my style. Okay. It's aggressive.

Okay. Because I. But she's a baddie. And she said that everything was fine. She has no problem with this being me. But there's also no story here besides this really successful guy who owns Barstool had sex with a hot chick. That's a narrative. She even came out and was like, consensual.

I agreed to it. I knew it was being filmed. Me and him are still good. He's good. And then one of the stocks that he's in with went down. And so he was like, oh, hell no. Because that consensual sex on the video came out. So he's like, I'm telling everybody, buy this now.

Watch the load. It's going to go back up. Holy shit. sexual sex on the video came out right he's like i'm telling everybody buy this now what's low it's gonna go back up holy shit so yeah because it feels like people are trying to cancel portnay but you can't what are you gonna what are you gonna take from him they're they both agreed to have this sexual intercourse yeah and then the video leaks how does the video leak though who knows you think she did no i don't because how do you even. But also for his brand, it actually makes him more. Yeah. He's more lovable to his fan base. Yeah.

Yeah. That makes sense. So there's no problem with that. And then the bad baby thing. They're not canceled. They're not trying to cancel. I haven't seen any canceled. Not canceled.

But like, I feel like brands might be like, oh, this is too much. Like, obviously, Paul Pierce lost his job because he had a party at his house and had strippers. And he loses his job. NBA Hall of Famer. He loses his job. Will Barstool hire Paul Pierce? had strippers and he loses his job nba hall of famer he loses his job will barstool hire paul pierce i want i want paul pierce to work for barstool that's what they're gonna do perfect i love dave portnoy he's he's one of those guys where like you know you see him around like new york a lot and it's like i know some people like

oh he's a fucking a dick it's like why because he doesn't talk to you he's a fucking businessman making millions of dollars he doesn't want you on Barstool. Fuck you. You're not good enough. What do you want me to tell you guys? Most of the guys that are like that demeanor can come off. I don't give a flying fuck. It doesn't bother me.

My ego's not that sensitive, but he can be tough. Dude, I went into Barstool to pitch a show, pitch like a podcast show in his office, and he just said no. And I was just like, you know what? You're right. This show sucks. Thanks it was one of those time man where it's like i know some of my peers would be like fuck you fuck to go twitter i was like no dude i didn't have a good idea so good for you i was just like yeah so no um you'd be great for them no i i go on the barstool shows a lot in new

york but i i wanted like to, and they were like, no. Whatever. Here he is. Here he is. Ooh, pumping it. It's very American Psycho. Very nice. He grabs her face like that.

That's no good, right? You think he's using a condi? No. No, you don't make. Oh, then he spit on her. Yeah. Love it. That's so crazy how that gets leaked, though.

That is pretty hot. It's wild. But you know what? I will say this, though. I will say this. Again, to each their own. Like you said, consensual, all good, whatever people are into. But I wonder if it gets to a point.

Do you think he was doing stuff like that with the belt, spitting on girls before this? Or when you get so powerful and famous, like you just have to do things like that to get you off. There you go. Which is fine. Because I think maybe in college or something, or in high school, he probably wasn't the guy that got chicks like this.

Now he has $400 million in the bank. He's Scrooge McDuck. So that's going to bring these type of girls, so he can do that. Got it. So he's having the time of his life. And that's kind of the way it goes, man. Yeah, because you know what?

And also too, while I'm thinking about it, everyone's like, oh, Dave, maybe the girl was like, put a belt on me and spit on me. Maybe Dave doesn't want to do that. Maybe. Either way, she was into it because that belt didn't get on her neck by herself. And like you said, who gives a shit? People have weird kinky stuff.

Honestly. I mean, he's not army hammering it. Yeah. He's not trying to eat her toe off. Okay. And it's like, to be honest with you, if I told you, if I told you, what do you think is weirder? If you had no idea what sex even was, if you had never even heard of any type of sex movement,

I was like, what's weirder? Putting a belt around your neck and having sex with you or making you get on your knees and me coming on your face. You'd probably say come on the face. Sure. Would be weirder. That's pretty standard. But I was going to say it's just more accepted in society for whatever reason.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And with bad bad uh barbie bad baby bad baby it's like i guess she's 18 right so we'll be a little careful but at least she's 18 broke the only fans all-time record a million in like six hours i don't so he's saying what's better dave's sex what's more interesting to you dave sex dave. Dave's sex tape. I mean, listen, an attractive 18-year-old starting OnlyFans. All right, welcome to the fucking club. Whatever. And it's also like, how much different can the OnlyFans be of some of these girls' Instagrams

where they're half naked anyway? What's the difference? There's no difference. But now if you want to see it, you got to pay for it. Oh, what? So OnlyFans what? So on an OnlyFans what, she gets completely naked? Is that what it is?

I think the one thing she showed her tits. But also, Theo was in a video playing a pedophile. With bad babies. Have you seen this? No, this is a 10 out of 10, though. So they let Theo ad-lib this and improv it, and he called her a wigger? Yeah. And they edited it out?

But he had his team filming it, so he has that footage. Oh, no, this is not like a fan made this. Theo was actually in the Bad Baby video. He auditioned to play a pedophile. They went, you're perfect. And then he got the gig. That's amazing. But they let him, because she ties him up and kills him in the end or beats the shit out of him.

And they go, you can just ad-lib. And he's supposed to say bad stuff to her. And he goes, you freaking wigger. And they're, you can just ad-lib. And he's supposed to say bad stuff to her. And he goes, you freaking wigger. And they're like, cut. Hey. Hey. Pedophile. That's enough.

You freaking wigger. Look at Theo. What an idiot. He's so fucking funny. I love Theo so much. Me too. Look at that. Look at that.

Yeah, dude. I didn't know he was really in the video. That's amazing. Yeah, man. There he is. Could not look anymore like a pedophile dude the only movie i ever did i actually even forgot the name what was the name of it i forgot the actual name of it but i would i my part my part was called staten island douchebag that was the part what the fuck was in it it was with martin freeman where morgan freeman no no martin freeman the guy the guy from uh who plays in geeks freaks and geeks and no no martin freeman the guy

who played the hobbit martin you've seen martin freeman before oh he's one of the hobbits one of the short guys and it was this guy oh yes and it was one of the movies it was a movie where like he forgets ode to joy ode ode to joy i'm out on all this. Oh, dude. Here's the thing. I never even saw it. It sounds horrible. I forgot I even did a part in it, and it was the only movie I've ever been in. And I forgot I even did a part in it. I didn't even remember I did a part in it.

There was a time where me and my current girlfriend, we broke up for a little while. We broke up for like a year and a half, and she started going out with somebody else. I started going out with somebody else. And she calls the very first movie this guy took her to see was this fucking movie oh joy she was like it was literally ruined the date she texted me dying like she was like i'm dying laughing right now yeah staten island meathead yeah yeah dude look at your fucking picture dude that literally i swear to god my friend vinny was taking a photography class and took that headshot for me and that's what they use on my imdb oh my look at me he's

like you gotta look you gotta look sophisticated for your headshots put on a tie you're just an idiot look at my hair dude does that guy sell molly i don't know yes he does that guy's on bad babies only fans yeah so so but did you have a speaking role yes so i had a speaking role so my part was the the day i was jogging past him on uh the bqe uh like um um uh the promenade which is like this beautiful part of the brooklyn queens express where you can look out and see manhattan it's like this beautiful shit so we're like jogging and i was supposed to bump him and then like heckle him right and and the director was like just come up with some heckles yeah you know so i was like doing them with you know whatever and then one of the heckles well actually

the first heckle i did where they were like no you can't do that because this is another movie he hit me and i was like you fucking hobbit and he was like no don't shout out no references to lord of the rings no references of his old movies and then I just couldn't come up with, I just kept saying, like, every time you hit me, I'll be fucking Bilbo Baggins, homo. You know, like, I was. Like, cut, dude. No, they genuinely. No more Hobbit.

They genuinely started to get mad at me. Like, you know, like, I just couldn't. And something happened in my brain. Martin Freeman, though, was laughing hard. Really? He was laughing hard. Dude, and he told me so many stories. How they didn't get paid?

No, no. He got fucking paid. Dude, the Hobbit movies. He went to New Zealand for like 18 months. And I think they actually gave him the. Oh, I broke your thing. No, you're fine. I think it was him.

He told me they gave him the entire movie salary, like in one paycheck up front. So I was like, woo. But you know what's interesting? What he told me, which was kind of like a little, you know, again, I'm not, you know, I don't know that I have any aspirations. I would do a movie. Why the hell not? But he was like, you know, the thing with the movie business is, and television, he

was like, I, you know, when I did The Hobbit, it was fantastic. I had a great time. You know, it's a fucking multi, multi, multi multi-million dollar maybe a billion dollar movie he's like but i have to be away from my family for 19 20 months that's not he's like so people don't understand like when you watch like leonardo dicaprio winning a war or it looks so glamorous and it is he's like but what it comes with is like missing all your kids baseball games but leonardo dicaprio doesn't have family there's a reason why he's a bachelor playboy for that reason for that reason he knows like i'll be gone so yeah yeah but he it was at least you had speaking lines i auditioned for tax collector david ayers movie with shia

labeouf so in in the audition crush it they're like yeah we're definitely unusual i'm waiting for a call back they give me a call back i'm like fuck yeah so i get there and my character's name was Negro Perfect, easy So I played a Mexican cartel member And I have lines But then for whatever reason Dude, I know the reason is you can't read Or speak, dude I can though

I didn't even know you could speak Until you started doing podcasts I was like, this guy fucking talks I thought he just ripped people's heads off no man this is like two years ago three years ago yeah so i go on uh set they get me in this full like narco fucking get up i look so ridiculous there's pictures of alex already have the hat on and then they give me a gun i'm like this thing's sick man this can be sick i'm gonna like do my line like oh no we're actually the the cartel guys the security you're not gonna speak you're just gonna shoot shia and then do this thing i'm

like okay but they gave me these this mask and in my head i'm like oh fucking nobody's gonna notice me man i'm like this fucking mask on so i was like i'm just gonna take it off see what they say so you go action i come out i'm like like yelling cut hey negro mask on i'm like oh yeah my bad yeah so put the mask on then we're gonna take it off again it's like cut god damn it put the mask on so i gotta leave the mask on do that i'm gonna cry in the next scene that's gonna be dope yeah next scene's just me standing for fucking yeah like this for 30 minutes while shia labeouf's giving some great performance yeah that was it, dude. And movie sucked cock.

I was going to say you're probably on set for fucking a year too, right? I was on set for four days, four or five days. Got to know the cast which is cool to see like how the sausage is made in Hollywood

and Shia LaBeouf's so fucking hell. How many times are you going to say how the sausage is made on this podcast? That's the second time. How the sausage is made. Is that the name of the episode?

How the sausage is made? Yes! There's the episode name. Yes. But you know what Made. Is that the name of the episode? How the Sausage is Made? Yes! There's the episode name. Yes. But you know what I realized behind that set? Unless it's like a comedy buddy movie with like all our crew,

I'm not into it, man. Yeah, yeah. Was Shia LaBeouf cool though? Great. Was Shia LaBeouf? No, he was dope. Yeah, I see. So fucking talented.

Oh, yeah, no. Dude, when I would have to watch him die over and over, I'm like, what a terrible gig. Dude, the best actors are the ones who like could be legitimately like in a mental institution.ep this dude this so he played uh it's based off true story he's a white guy that collected for the cartel in uh south central la this is a true story

so he played the white guy that would collect for the gangs back in mexico okay so his rival this rival gang had like their cartel members thugs with him we're eating at craft and service and the guy come you know just a regular mexican dude like a stunt coordinator who they got up as a fucking cartel guy he's like making this fucking thing and shy cuts in front and the guy's like doesn't say you know he's a knight like he's a dad yeah he's like oh i guess you're just gonna cut he goes what the fuck you say to me and the guy's like, oh, I guess you're just going to cut in. He goes, what the fuck did you say to me? And the guy's like, you're just going to cut in line? And he calls him by his character name. And the guy's like, wait, what's happening?

And then just gets in a full-blown fight with him. And it shuts down shooting for like two days. What? Like a fist fight? Yeah. And he starts throwing references like in the movie. He's like, well, you need to give fucking Dorito back his shit. And I'm like, what is happening right now?

Wow. That's nice fucking. I like that, though. We're like, because I'm sick and tired of when you see things like when an actor like is, you know, yelling on set, just being a maniac to like the key grip guys or the camera guys. I'm like, why doesn't one of these guys just take a fucking crowbar and level this motherfucker? Because they'll never work again. Yeah, but who cares at that point you do that to tom cruise you're fucking getting shipped

i walk my words right now on this podcast clip it i'm gonna get in a movie with tom cruise one day and beat the shit out of him on set oh i'm gonna do it that's i feel like tom cruise to put it on because guess what's gonna go up the podcast The podcast numbers. Yeah. Yes, baby. Yeah. You're going to keep calling him Ethan Hunt. Yeah, you fucking fucker. Who's this? Brooks Whelan?

Who's this? He looks like that UFC fighter who's on Ultimate Fighter, has the red afro. He looks like, you know, Luis Pena. Fights this weekend. Yep. Walmart or Target? And you can't say Amazon because you know that ain't fair. Keep doing what y'all doing, man.

Helping me get through the day. I loved it. Buzz gang. Buzz gang, young man. Walmart. I've worked too hard to shop at Walmart. Yeah, Walmart. And Target in Woodland Hills. Dude, if you're single, if you're a single male in L.A la you need to go to this target tarjay as my

mom used to call it when i was a kid because i was fancy you need to go to tarjay of woodland hills off de soto the work is there everyone has a blood ass everyone's latina it's fantastic yummy yummy all right i pretend my kid we bought my kid a toy and he was like oh thanks dad but she does the the returns yeah so i was like hey just you know spark conversation okay so this toy if he doesn't like it and he's like dad i like it shut the fuck up like so the thing is yeah just trying to start a conversation see that's the thing about out here or like you know like or wherever this man's from is the target in the walmart's that's not a thing in new york city like there is one target but there's no i've never i've i've been in a walmart maybe three times in my life because in new york man everything's in the bodega there's no room for walmart in new york it's just

everything's in the bodega dude like but whatever you need but also that you're kind of fortunate we have to do that and but here's another reason you move to la dude and just work with me is we have targets we have targets also that paycheck tarjays yes yes we have yeah but i don't know but i don't know i But I don't know. See, even like with a Target, I guess so. But I guess if I had to pick one for this kid, I would say Target feels a little bit – you're doing a little bit better in life. Tar-Jays upper brow.

Walmart is like – Walmart are where the mutants from Table 7 come from. Walmart is tough. Yeah, Walmart is – that's rough. But, yeah, so I would say I'd go to a- Dude, Tarjay, you can get dope food now. You can get a fresh ass outfit. They sell junk food clothing there.

You can get dope TVs, video games, toys for kids. All right. You're close to me. Go to that Target, dude. Take your kids there. It's like Toys R Us. Dude, you just said they're smoking hot Latinas with fat asses. You want me to go in there with my pregnant Puerto Rican girlfriend?

Are you kidding me, dude? I didn't say bring her. I said ditch her and bring the kid. You think I could do anything without her besides a podcast? And farting. No chance, dude. Yeah, no. Do they sell guns in Target?

No. No? All right. Well, then I'm a little safe because she would. My girl is the type of girl like she just, you know. They do sell weights, though. Okay. She can just, you know. They do sell weights though. Okay. She can hit me with anything.

They have video games there, GoPros. Ooh, nice. Almond milk, cards. Okay. Home goods. They got everything. Do they have the vaccine? Not the Johnson & Johnson.

We'll do one more. King it or sting it. Okay. What's up, Dio? What's up, DL? What's up, Brendan? Boy, T.O. again. The guy under the house, the legal.

Oh, yeah. You know that guy? He's hiding from ice. Got a King of the Sting for you guys, man. What y'all thinking about that cowboy shit? Talking about that

nitty gritty stuff. Talking about that drinking beer all fucking day and working cows. Talking about elbow deep. Oh! What's he looking for? Let me know what you boys think.

Rashi bread? Yeah. What'd he say? Anyways, let me know what you think. Cowboy shit. King of the stinging. Gang gang buzz buzz. Oh, they're trying to impregnate?

Dude, that's some real man shit. Damn. That's man shit. We not built for that life. Yeah. All day on your feet, fucking around with cows, farting left and right. Then you got to get elbow deep in that cow's asshole. And what are they doing there?

They're trying to impregnate him. Oh, that's a vagina. But how do they do it? What are they fingering it? I don't know. I guess they have some sort of semen and they shove it all the way down there. That's crazy. We can look it up.

It's a fistful full of cum and he just fucking fists that poor cow why does that work with humans like i wonder if that would work with humans i bet it could work it's like you know you're like you're with your wife and you just can't get her pregnant what about this you just call this guy up and he just gets in there with a fistful of your jizz anyone been on a farm i've been to them i can't but i don't understand what woke up at like 4 a.m and then got the hay or what the fuck they do with the rooster crows and you know what a lot of i mean the cow is just taking it dude the cow's not even moving the cow likes it tell you what i've always want to do is just milk a cow dude i just like

you want to milk it why don't you do it dude there's not a lot of cows in la what are you talking about they got farms in la we can get you a cow all right't you do it, dude? There's not a lot of cows in LA. What are you talking about? They got farms in LA. We can get you a cow. All right, let's do it. Let's fucking milk a cow, dude. Chrissy D and Big B go fucking cow tipping. I would 1,000% do that.

YouTube content. Yes. That's where my mic goes. Let's do it. YouTube, YouTube. Yeah. I just want to get on that cow and just... Dude, I mean, this is wild.

These guys are listening to... You know what it's called? What? So I just looked it up. It said... Well, the mean, this is wild. These guys are listening to Kiki. You know what it's called? What? So I just looked it up. It said, well, the reason why they do it is because it helps them produce more milk when they impregnate them. Okay. And the thing they use, the device is called a rape rack.

A rape rack? Rape rack. Well, in 2021, it's still called a rape rack. It's a torpedo, by the way. When the woke left get a hold of this naming, they're going to change that real quick. But I wonder if that I wonder if rape rack was in existence first And then that's why they call rape

It's from this I wonder what came first The rape rack or the rape The rape Okay The rape yeah Yeah No I think

I think the term rape comes from rape It has to I don't think so I'm with you on this No I don't think so I mean think about it. How long have guys been raping? Yeah, but how long has there been a term for it?

But how long have we been eating cows and drinking cow milk? I assume someone got raped before they ate a cow. Yeah, good point. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know either. I don't know.

I would assume, dude. Yeah. Like back in that old ancient Chinese times, you don't think they were taking societies over and raping each other? So what are they supposed to call it then? A non-consensual rack? What are you supposed to call this? You have to call it that.

Uncomfortable rack? Uncomfortable rack? I mean, damn, dude. The cow looks thick, too. Thick ass. And he's just in there. My man is just in there. That's what he does, dude.

That's his job. That's his job. We do this. He does that. What do you think his arm smells like when it comes out? What would you rather do? Stick your elbow? Would you rather go elbow deep in that cow's ass or eat another gooey duck?

Elbow deep in that cow's ass. Okay. Iey duck? Elbow deep in that cow's ass. Okay, I'd do a gooey duck. That gooey duck was disgusting. You know I had to go straight to the set of that true TV show right after that? Smelled like gooey duck all day. Dude, we smelled like pussy, dude. Dude, I have to go straight from this to shoot for Showtime. I'm engaging with fans doing this What's Up segment where they call in and my staff is like,

Dude, what is this? No, no, no. Were you at Red Lobster eating raw fish? a hundred i literally like pussy dude i literally got i facetimed with my girl right as soon as i let her know listen this is gooey duck you're gonna see the video i was on nick's ass i was like you need to give me that gooey duck clip you need to give me that gooey duck clip i gotta send it to her because i was like i'm gonna come home and have to immediately take a shower after work which is usually like a no-no. It's like, I got to stand there.

I got to come in and she's got to sniff me to make sure I didn't cheat. And then I could take a shower and disrobe. But I was like, I'm going to have to get home and immediately disrobe. Let her know what's up. Because I had the gooey duck and I got to work all day. Did you ever hear about that? I forget what NFL, it might have been NBA or NFL player, but he was cheating on his girl so much when he'd walk in the door.

His girl would smell his dick. Sure. I bet. That's probably a lot of guys. You think? What do you mean? I feel like if your girl has to get on her knees and smell your dick every time you go out to fucking 7-Eleven, you should probably end it. The trust is gone.

Yeah, but she's such a good cook and she's hot. You know, like she's hot. She loves. It's just she's great. Yeah, it's tough. It's tough, dude. It's great yeah it's tough it's tough dude it's tough it's tough and there's nothing i can do to get away from it because like i said if i she's already you know cleaned out my fucking shit toilet yeah go back yeah oh yeah keep going

back keep going back keep going back keep going because it's that scene uh keep going keep going on the bridge that's the bridge yes the bridge. She's very attractive. It's right before. Yeah, go back. Go back. Go back. Yeah, because it's right before he gets thrown up. I think.

Yeah, go. That's it, I think. When we get to the bridge. When I get to that bridge. Yeah, she's beautiful, this girl. But I never met her. That's the thing with a movie. It's like people do movies.

You don't see each other, right? You only see the people you saw in that fucking scene, you know? Yeah, I think Like when they do cartoons, they don't Yeah, that's me, look Thank you, New York Yeah What'd you just say to me?

You have a farmer's tan I know They didn't give a shit Yeah, what's I don't even know what the clip they took was What'd you just say to me? Oh, watch it, shitbag Thank you, New York What'd you just say to me? Oh! Watch it, shitbag!

Thank you, New York. What'd you just say to me? Watch it, shitbag. That's the one that they picked. Oh, dude. That was the whole scene? That was the whole scene. And how long were you on set for?

Nine days. Nine days. Two or three days. Yeah. Did probably 300 takes, and they picked what's up, shitbag. Probably ADR, because they couldn't get one where you weren't saying Bilbo Baggins or days. Yeah. Did probably 300 takes, and they picked What's Up Shitbag. Probably ADR, because they could get one where you weren't saying Bilbo Baggins or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, dude.

I don't even... I genuinely don't even know if I ever even got paid. Like, I have no idea. How long ago was that? Two years ago. Why'd you have a farmer's tan? I know. Do I...

What do you think? Do I look better then or better now? Way better now. You think I look like a chunky monkey there? You look like shit there. I look like a little chunky monkey? Did you have to go sleeveless? I get some meathead in there. Watch it, shitbag! Thank you, New York like a chunky monkey there i look like a little chunky monkey did you have to go sleeveless i get some meat watch this thank you new york

brutal there right just like a dough of yeah like no tone at all like just i need i need lap band surgery there we're jump cut here yeah very strange watch it shitbag oh watch it shitbag thank you new york very strange yeah yeah this is one of those movies you got a much better body now yeah oh thank you the the martin freeman it's it's interesting like when you see these guys do these movies like i bet you he doesn't even remember doing this movie no like he they do so many like they do but it's like we do podcasts that's one but it's yeah how we do podcasts. That's why I'm. But it's how we do podcasts, how we do, you know, certain tour dates. Stand-ups, yeah. Like, someone go, oh, you remember last year when we were here in San Diego?

I'm like, not really, dude. I don't. Unless it's a real big moment, I don't really remember. I don't remember. That's all that you're doing so much. I guarantee you this kid doesn't remember a second of this movie. And he filmed it for, like, four months. Yeah.

What do you think he got paid for that? Something like that. If I had to guess, they probably threw him like a million dollars, I would imagine, because you're not going to get Martin Freeman to show... I mean, the guy was The Hobbit. He's not going to do the movie. If it's a low-budget movie, it's because the majority of the budget has to go to your star. It has to.

But isn't he kind of typecasted as The Hobbit? I'm not trying to see him in a romantic comedy. For sure, do magic and have big feet. Yeah's true too i know like yeah you know like a flow from the fucking progressive progressive commercial started doing romantic comedy like bitch sell me insurance yeah that's true that's true yeah i don't know man i uh i uh i don't know i met him he was good i you know if he i'm just no see because what heard on the – because we've had the other one who's really into bugs and animals, one of the hobbits. So there's the one main hobbit who ain't doing podcasts. Right.

And there's Freeman doing romantic comedies. Then there's the other guy. I forget his name. We've had him on the podcast before. You remember, Chin? Yeah, yeah. I remember. I'm not finding the kid.

Not Rudy, is it? Not Rudy. He was on Lost. He was on Lost. So he's done some big shit. But he was, I was like, dude, so he's like flying private or do you have like a magic carpet? And he's like, no. He's like, they knew from the books that this series would be fucking huge.

So they tie you in their contract and they don't even know if they're going to make six or seven of them. But you signed the contract day one. They're going to make all seven. So no matter how well they do, we get paid this much. He's like, so we're not as rich as you think. That's what he said. So I feel like your friend Morgan Freeman's lying. I know.

Who's richer? Google Martin Freeman's net worth. I feel like Martin Freeman's net worth has got to be in the Schmillies. I thought 20. 20 mil. I was thinking Martin Star earlier. Yeah. I think there's a story, too, in the Game of Thrones series, the first season, the character

who gets beheaded. I forgot his name. Well, Aquaman said while he was shooting Game of Thrones, he was living out of a van, dude, in Malibu. Really? Yeah. He was like, I wasn't making crazy money. Wait, Jason Momoa was in Game of Thrones?

How dare you? Yeah, dude. What was was in Game of Thrones? How dare you? Yeah, dude. What was he in Game of Thrones? His first season. He was the guy who fucked the homegirl. Remember? That's right. That's right.

He was an adult Rocky. Yeah. He was living out of a van? Yeah. He was like, I wasn't making any money. He was like, I'd walk in a store and get bombarded. But what people don't realize, I was broke. Like, he barely got paid for that.

Yeah. Interesting. Even this man has 12 schmillies. That's not bad. That's a loss money. Yeah, but loss is where he got paid. That's a loss money. But he told me, everyone on the contracts, because they knew it was going to be fucking

big, and they knew they were going to be stars, A, they couldn't do anything else, and they were contracted for seven movies. Whether they made it or not, they're like to be stars. A, they couldn't do anything else. And they were like contracted for seven movies. Whether they made it or not, they're like, you're getting this much. These shows are going to be big with or without you. Got it. So they're like, if you don't take this deal, we will literally give it to the next guy. There's a million short white guys in fucking Hollywood. Right.

Shit. Interesting. Now, they didn't pay him pennies like fucking Nike or something. Right, right, right, right, right, right. Yeah. I know. All right. All right.

Fine. So fucking. I don't know. Maybe I should go back to trying to do movies. I'm going i know all right all right fine so i don't know maybe maybe maybe we're gonna try to do movies yeah i don't know dude i don't know or we just blow this thing up or just blow podcasts up dude that's the thing you own it all man should i kill theo and just be the co-host here what are the fans think of that should we king or sting i want to do a king in the sting do we king Sting, me killing Theo and being the new host. King or Sting it. I'm sure if we could see the vote, Theo would be on and go, King it.

King it. Could you imagine Theo kinged it? He probably would. All right, kids, I'm in Naples this weekend, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Comedy off the hook, Naples, Florida with my crew. And then next week, Austin, Vulcan Gas Company Theater. It's me and special guests. All shows are damn near sold out, so we added a show late Thursday. So come get some Austin.

That is next week. Me, go to Chris. 20th through the 22nd. Tickets at FATKZ.com. For me, ChrisDComedy.com. My stand-up dates start in July. It's all over. We're adding shows as well. And Patreon.com. So it's ChrisDcomedy.com my stand up dates start in July it's all over we're adding shows

as well and patreon.com slash christycomedy and my youtube youtube.com slash christycomedy I got my podcast Christy Chaos

on Tuesdays Hey Babe Thursdays Captain Off the Hook Comedy Club that's the guy Captain Brian Captain Brian sent me a text yesterday

dude how about this character how about this I get into the first time I ever did off the hook comedy. I think the only time I ever did it. It was the only time. You know, they've redone it.

So I've heard the horror stories. No, no. It wasn't even a horror story. It was a nice club. I literally get picked up in the airport, you know, like by him. I get in the car. He's like, hey, nice to meet you. It's Captain Brian.

I was like, hey, what's up, Brian? He goes, it's Captain Brian. I said, we're grown men. I'm not going to call you Captain Brian. Now, is he dressed like a sailor? Swear to God, dude. Is he dressed like a sailor? He had the sailor hat.

But does he own a boat? I don't know. I doubt it. But I remember I said, I'm not going to call you Captain Brian. And not only was I not selling tickets, but that was a point of contention because he was like, you need to call me Captain Brian. I was like, no, no, I'm an adult biological male. I will not call you captain you're in a fucking nissan pathfinder taking me to a chili's yeah he asked

me to call captain brian dude if you don't call him captain my brother does but i refuse to call him captain as well dude you gotta call him he's gonna get furious well that's what it's gonna be then that's why i have a guarantee. All right, man. See you this weekend, Naples. Girls that are Instagram famous Damn, hungry like I'm fresh off keto Seeing red like Andrew Santino Every song a hit like the great Bambino Brennan ate the queso and the quesoritos But everything's gonna be fine Hate on me, I do not mind Theo looking like the type of dude

That got a pack of matches in his pockets at all times They sliding into my DMs A couple of you tried but couldn't beat em Quit playing like Nintendo DS You don't want to smoke like Joey Diaz Meaning y'all edible Just got my eyebrows threaded and I'm feeling incredible Brennan's son hit me up

He said it's too loud in the club, can you pick me up? King and the sting King and the sting King and the sting Bee sting, rat king King and the sting King and the sting Got the bees in the trap Got the bees in a trap, got the cheese on a string

King in the sting, king in the sting, king in the sting Bee sting rat king, king in the sting, king in the sting Got the bees in a trap, got the cheese on a string.