The Golden Hour - Episode 13: Neverland Ranchers

Episode Date: March 28, 2019

Brendan and Theo talk chubby chasers, gramp stamps, underboob tats, comedy special stunt doubles, hangover cures, Jussie Smollett and Papa John, Van life, bald chicks, grandma's faking heart attacks, catfished grandpa's and much more!Robinhood - https://kingsting.robinhood.comShipstation - https://shipstation.com promo code: KATSTwillory - https://www.twillory.com/KATSPostmates - promo code: KATS2019Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoicesSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

back off my broccolini get your life together it is don't touch me bro i'm not touching you you know i'm not good as chin snitch hat from prison today yeah why is it so obviously different a snitch obviously different that crazy hat huh that shinshank redemption shinshank redemption can. Are you in Shinshank Redemption? Shinshank Redemption? Can you get us stuff into our cells? Yeah, will you throw a picture of Chin in there too, Kat,

whenever you post a little bit of that moment because that is Shinshank Redemption. Either start fucking skateboarding for us or sneak us some. Brooks was here. Seek us some fucking shanks. Yeah, huh?

All right. He just went hard. Chintz went, all right, man. Fuck it. He just went hard in the face with Chintz. Dude, there's your buzzer. You got a new battery in yours? Ah.

I don't know. It's pretty hype. Yeah, it's a little better. I'll take it back, dude. Did you guys fix that shit? Nobody fixed anything, bro. Ask and you shall receive, bro. I prayed about it.

Dude, you know what? You look different. You're dressing different. Really? I saw a picture of you on Stanford's campus. Oh, yeah. I went to Stanford. A few questions. Okay. The fuck were you doing on Stanford's campus? You should not be allowed on that campus.

It's Tiger Woods grounds. Oh, look. Michelle Wee. Is it Michelle Wee? Yeah, bro. Maybe a guy named Ed McCaffrey. John Elway, bro. Donnie McCaffrey, dude. bro. Maybe a guy named Ed McCaffrey. John Elway, bro. Donnie McCaffrey, dude.

Nobody here ever heard about Donnie McCaffrey, dude. The son. All the McCaffreys. The other third. That third McCaffrey, bro, worked in the McCaffrey-teria. And nobody, he wasn't doing any athletics, bro. Except making McRibs. Oh, he was in there making McRibs and fucking, you know.

Making the ways, bro. Yeah, just huffing off, taking huffs, hits off of those, off of pudding cans. What were you doing there, though? Dude, I went to Stanford. A friend of mine, this man Harrison Phillips, he plays for the Buffalo Bills, Bills Mafia. Shout out to Bills Mafia. Shout out to Bills Mafia. And he plays defensive tackle.

First of all, white guy playing defensive tackle. Big boy. Yeah, you should get three points for even having one of those players on your team. I agree. At the beginning of the game. You should at least get a few wins ahead of everybody else. If you have a white defensive tackle. Wow.

In America? In America, bro. But you're damn right Buffalo drafted him. Yeah. Buffalo's like Utah Jazz. They go down, they go, white dude. We'll take him. We'll take him.

One thing I learned while I was there on the campus campus they only have 7 000 undergrad students at stanford and then they have 7 000 post-grad students on campus at the same time did you crazy did you think you got a little smarter just being around them oh dude drinking the water well people kept looking at me strange and uh and then i'll be like oh i'm just looking for some books and the people were like oh okay you know that makes sense yeah that's fine's fine. Because you look different. I feel like you might be a little smarter. Really? I bet they were looking at you like, who the fuck let this pedophile on the campus?

I did hold on to a stack of books for someone who's going down like a handicap ramp for a minute. Young lady, I bet, too. It could have been either. I mean, they don't like you to say man or woman there on campus. Them kids are there to study? A human, yeah. And get degrees. Oh, they have emergency libraries.

If you're scared or something, dude, you can hit a button or they'll have a little branch on a tree and you kind of pull it and a couple of books will pop out. Just so to calm you down. Like, oh God. Yeah. Oh God. Yeah, it was crazy, man. One guy got real nervous.

We gave some guy a ride across campus and he accused us of hazing because the music was too loud in the car. You guys are going too fast. Oh, yeah. I'm not used to that shit there, bro. I'm trying to solve the world's problems. Can you imagine going to school there, reading books? Getting sucked?

Yeah. It's great, dude. No, I'd be good, bro. Great. Dude, how many, what's, if you had to name four books that you've read, what are they? Oh, well, I'm reading right now, I'm Dying Up Here, the book of the comedy store. Okay. I read a lot of books, bro.

I know you do. Yeah. I'm not saying that. You're saying books in general? Yeah. Well, I'm dying up here, born standing up, sick in the head. That's not a book, dude. Sick in the head, Judd Apatow.

It is? Yeah. Oh, God. Teaches you how to be a pussy. Thud, Apatow. Yeah. Later. I don't need that guy.

Yeah. Later, Toad. Bro, I would never cast him in an episode of this podcast. That's for damn sure, bro. I'm going to be able to go, dude, you guys need to get this guy in the King of the Sting. Bro, if you're blind, listen, no hate. We don't have any gas. What are you talking about?

Yeah, that is so true. Dude, get this guy in the King of the Sting. I'm like, have you ever seen a gas? No. Are you blind? Well, what are you doing? What are you doing? Yeah, some kid the other day was like, y'all got to get Zion Williamson on King of the Sting.

Oh, let me call him up. Let me call him up and get him on it. Let me rip Zion's fucking drip with Theo real quick. Dude, it's just, yeah, some of the stuff we get is crazy. But that's what I did. I went to Stanford. Dude, I was in San Jose. We had eight shows, man.

Bro. Crazy, bro. Don't touch me. Don't fucking touch me, dude. Even though you're rich now. Rich? What are you talking about? This shirt is from Twillery, one of our sponsors.

Dude, no, you got that at Stanford. Huh? Did you get that at a bookstore at Stanford? I heard they sell polos and books. Dude, the bookstore is huge. There were people camping in there. There were people, their families had been in there. There were families just walking around.

Some kid was washing his, had made a little, kind of like a campsite, and they were washing up. Dude, I hope that scheme's still going on so I can pay for my son to go to Stanford. Oh, at Stanford? Yeah, hopefully everyone doesn't snitch on everyone, so I can fucking put my son into Stanford for 200 Gs. They're being bitches, bro. 200, bro, for $40, you can get into Louisiana State University. That's a hard pass.

That's what I'm talking about. Oh, come on, bro, 220s, dude. Yeah, it's not bad. Get in there, get your kid in there,s, dude. Yeah, it's not bad. Get in there. Get your kid in there, bro. And your son's in a Tiger. Dude, you're smarter from Stanford, bro. Bro, let me tell you this. If your son, I don't know how you're

going to do it, ends up with some type of strong capability, right? Actually, athletic capability he could have. He's a freak. That's the one gift you probably have given him, dude. Probably passed down. Hopefully he has his mom's kind of friendly genes. Yep, and then he has your athletic capability.

Yeah. The kind tiger, bro. He will be... The kind tiger. If he plays for the Tigers, bro, it would be unprecedented. Or Missouri. We'd go on Sizzler.

Oh, dude, you're going to own a Sizzler. Yeah, dude, you're right, Theo. And if you're going to get paid to play, man, LSU, that's where they're doing that at right now. So everywhere. Yeah, all those SEC schools pay very well, I heard.

Very well. You won't pay for a McNugget. I remember being there, and one of the basketball players was like, are they paying you all? He said, look, man, I ain't paid for a McNugget in two years. He ain't lying either. He ain't lying. That's how they do it.

That's how SEC keeps it rolling. The McRib is back year-round down there. I love a McRib. Dude, everybody got some McRib. God damn. What about you, man? Where were you at this weekend? Oh, Milwaukee, huh?

Milwaukee. How was it? Different. Yeah? Different. I thought it was an all-white city, and I've been actually educated that's actually one of the most diverse cities. A lot of Indians there, or Deans, they call them.

Nope, nope. A lot of African Americans, mainly. AFAM. Yep. Actually, someone sent me statistics. More African Americans than Chicago, which I found surprising. Pretty cool. I had no idea.

I brought Derek Poston, who's a hilarious comedian. And he's mixed, too. He's a cafe de color. Yeah, he's a little caramel. He's Guatemalan or something. Yeah, he's caramel. Yeah, he is caramel. And then Ahsan Ahmad, who's also a Comedy Store door guy.

So we're cultural. Oh, yeah. You guys sound cultural as hell, dude. Yeah, dude. And I look Mexican, so we got weird looks. That Foster family. You guys look like an Am Foster family. Yeah, we look like the movie Four Brothers.

But there's only three of you. Yeah, but there's three of us. But that would be your math so perfectly. Yeah, bro. Yeah. You could have been the fourth, bro. You could have been the fourth. Uh-uh. Couldn you're like, hey. You could have been the fourth. Uh-uh.

Couldn't do it, dude. Milwaukee was dope, though. Bro, I was in San Jose. That city's diverse, man. Diverse with Asians. Bro, the- All the Asians in the world are in San Jose. Bro, all types, too, man.

Dude. They got everything. Japanese. Ginger soy. True. Bro, they had- Wasabi. Oh, dude.

Bulgogi, you know? Or Bulba. What's that juice called you guys used to drink? Bulba. Bulba? Yeah, Bulba. Bulba juice, but Bulgogi is actual Korean meat. Oh, it is? Yeah. It's cream meat? Korean meat. Oh, sorry. Yeah, that Bulgogi. They got Wagyu's walking around there. They got that Wagyu, boy. Got that Wagyu. It was wild, man.

Yeah. Milwaukee, not so much, bro. Dude, the Mexican national soccer team was staying at Motel. Really? So there was all types of football fans outside beating drums. I mean, it was insane. Like, their national team, bro. It was crazy, man. Damn.

Sounds like it was a better weekend than me, dude. Well, I mean, yeah. It was a good time for all, I think. It was good, yeah. I think it was a good time for all, man. Dude, I'm shooting the opening of my comedy special this, or I think next week. Next week. Oh, yeah.

Shooting the opening for it, right? Oh, good man. Congrats, dude. Thanks, brother. Your first one, what's it going to be called? Oh, wait, I know what it is. Watch me. Watch me.

No, try again. Let me try. Hold on. I know what it is. It is- Not CT included. Let me see. Do you think I know what it is. It is. Not CT included. Let me see. Let's.

Do you think you can dance? Is that it? I wish. That would be dope. What a great name. Do you think you can dance? Comedy special? It would be hilarious.

Bro, your next closer should be just you dancing to fucking music on stage. I will watch that all day. No, I open with that, bro. I open with that. You'd be surprised, bro. You'd be surprised. Yeah. All right, man.

Let's get on with this show, dude. Let's do this, bro. All right. Boo. Boo. You guys want to do some current events? Yes. Yeah, sure, Chin.

Just don't snitch on us when you get out of here. Yeah, bro. Brooks was here. I promise I won't. This is Fran Bilebe. It's going to take a man 600 years to get out of this small hat. But Chin Son Yee did it in less than five hours. Oh, God.

Go ahead. All right, this is Fran. Don't let the sisters get you, Chin. Yeah, don't let the sisters get you, geez. Geez. Fran Bilebe, she's a high school student, and she's the second girl ever to win the McDonald's All-American Dunk Contest.

It's an all-women's dunk contest? I believe it is, but I don't know why it says it's only the second woman ever. I'd rather you pierce my dick than watch a women's all-dunk contest. Bro, what? Is it an eight-foot rim? That's the thing.

It doesn't make sense. This article doesn't say anything about guys being in it, but if it's only the second person ever that's a girl, it has to be open to everyone, right? Dude, a female dunk contest is called layups, bro. First of all, I think is what it's called, right? And first of all, why are they making women dunk for fucking McDonald's? Yeah, why are they?

Talk about the Me Too movement. That's sexist, man. And it's on an eight-foot rim chin, or is it ten? There's no way it's ten foot and you have a dunk on it. It's a regular high school rim. Holy shit. Everybody sees this. Oh! She jumped regular high school rim. Holy shit. Oh! She jumped over someone sitting down. God damn.

She put her arm in the rim, bro. And look, she got mugged after. Are you sure that's a ten foot rim chin? Whatever high school. Are they on steroids? Whatever high school rim is. She's 6'1". First of all, taking a grandmother's name, okay? Fran. And dunking is about the most G thing you can do, okay? You know, who's dunking

next? Estelle, you know what I'm saying? Who's dunking next? Barbara, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, Gert's up there. You're going to alley-oop to Grootroot? Yeah, Grootroot, wow. I can't remember a word he just said. I don't like some of the, I don't think they should make women dunk for McDonald's. I think they should be able to be served no matter what. I agree. That's what my thoughts are on this. You know what? In order for them to get breakfast all day, they have to dunk first.

Oh, now that's fair. That's fair. Yeah. The hash browns? Yeah. Oh, put them. Dude, you want a McGriddle? Better dunk, bitch.

You better McFly. Dude, I love the idea of dunking for McDonald's. Now I want it. I want a 10-foot rim out front, and you dunk out there, and then you get the snack that you want. I like that. That'd be awesome. I'll do some shit for McRib. Now, how tall are you, though?

Because she's shorter than you, and she can dunk. Oh, I can dunk, too. Can you really? Yeah, I can. Wow, look at that. I've never seen girls dunk like this, ever. Has anyone in here? It makes me a little—

Has this been going on forever? I feel old now. No, no, no, no. There's only a couple women have done it. They had a woman at LSU did it. They had a woman. No, Leslie Jones isn't a comedian. She looks like she can dunk though. I know. I thought she dunked.

She might be able to dunk. Yeah, she's in Ghostbusters and she dunked. Yeah, that's true, dude. I could see that easily. Yeah. Wow, Fran. Fran's doing the damn thing. Turns out there was men, too, in this competition. And the woman beat them?

Because she got perfect scores for all four of her dunks. See, that I didn't like because I don't think that just because – that's what I don't like sometimes. Just because it's a dunk, you get the 10. Dude, here's the thing, though. The dunk, the second dunk, dude. Was it a dunk? Wasn't it a dunk? She became the second female player to win the dunk contest.

So men and women are competing, and they picked a woman. Yeah. Candice Parker won before, though, in 2004. You ever seen Candice Parker? Oh, yeah. She can get it. Candy Park Park. Beautiful.

But once you get to the WNBA, it's like watching. Every time I turn the game on, it's like, oh, everybody's Latrell Sprewell. That's the vibe I get. It's like he's playing every position. I'd rather watch Theo try and read a book than watch fucking WNBA. Okay. Well, I've definitely read way more books than you, brother. Come on, bro.

Who are you lying to, bro? Dude, you're lying to everybody around. You didn't even go to college. Okay. Your mom's home reading doesn't count. Your mom gave you just the cliff notes, and you thought they were novels at the time. Bro, some of the Cliff Notes are very long. They are too long.

Very long. If it's going to be Cliff Notes, shorten them up. But shorten them up, Cliff Notes. Dude, I'm going to jump off a cliff. Yeah, fuck you, Cliff. Yeah. How about that, Cliff? Bridge to Terabithia?

Fucking tighten it up, man. Yeah, make it easier. The Bible Cliff Notes make it easier. All right, let's keep moving, man. Let's move on, Chin. All right, the biggest news. Jussie Smollett, all of his criminal charges

were dropped by the Cooks County. This is Chicago being like, dude, we have 70 dudes dying every minute on the South Side. We have way bigger shit to worry about.

But also, Jussie said, here's 100K, let me off. Chicago went, cool, get the fuck out of our city. Yeah. I mean, I think there's a lot of this. There's been all kind of stuff of this over the decades.

You know, a lot of guys get off and a lot of different racial crimes on both sides of the net. And Jussie playing every side of the net. He's black, white. Gay. He's Muslim. Gay. Not gay. Make America.

Don't make America. Pick a side. Yeah. He's just. Taking a knee, standing up. Yeah, dude America, don't make America. Pick a side, bro. Yeah, he's just. Taking a knee, standing up. Yeah, dude, he's in a wheelchair. Every time you look at this guy, he's got a different thing going on. He tried to hire Atticus Finch as his fucking attorney.

This guy's out of his mind, man. He's crazy. Lost his career, too. I don't know if he lost his career. Oh, Empire was like, we're all set. Oh, well, I think it's just a shame. I think he has an ego problem, and I hope that he finds some way to heal it. I don't know what he's going to do.

But I just hope that he helps figure that out for him. Because it looks like he's still riding his lies, but that 100 grand, you put your money where your mouth is, and he paid that 100 grand to get out of there. Good deal. 100 Gs? They gave him a good deal. I think Chicago's like, get this Hollywood shit out of our city.

I agree. We got way bigger fish to fry. Yeah, get the fuck out of here. Everybody dying here, bro. Yeah. We got the winter. It's fucking terrible. Yeah. Kanye won't shut the fuck up. The bulls suck.

Oh, the bulls are bad, man. Meanwhile, he's trying to suck dudes off. They just can't have it, bro. Yeah, he can't meet a man at a Subway. Like, look, man. At 2 in the morning? Yeah. I run to anyone at the Subway at 2 in the morning.

I just assume I'm getting sucked. Somebody's definitely vacuuming, you know? All right, let's move along, dude. Jussie don't deserve any more of our chatter. Nope. Alright. Papa John's. The new face of Papa John's is going to be Shaquille O'Neal. Dang. As their board member. I'll tell you what, the worst pizza in the world. I love Shaq.

The worst pizza. If you give me Pizza Hut, which we've gone over, great facility. They got the tight Pizza Hut dome, right? The pans are nice. The pans. You're right, bro. The deep dish. You're on one today. Stanford. Touch me. So you got Pizza Hut. We love the setup of it.

Domino's, oh my god. With extra sauce, brilliant. Papa John's, get the fuck out of my face. Papa Murphy's, you ain't even... That's fucking... First of all, Papa Murphy was a stepfather. Should be Stepfather Murphy's. And he also worked at the church. You know what I'm saying, boy? That's the slice that'll all, Papa Murphy was a stepfather. Should be Stepfather Murphy's. And he also worked at the church. So you know what I'm saying, boy?

That's the slice that'll reach down and touch your nuts while you're lighting a candle, you know? But what I'm saying is this, bro. Let's don't deny that Papa John's, all it is, is basically just a piece of bread that serves you two banana peppers. That's all it is, dude. It's called crazy bread, bro. Don't tell us crazy bread is fucking pizza, man. It's like, hey, you just paid $19 for two

peppers and some bad bread underneath it. Dude, a lot of times I'll eat the peppers and just close the box, man. Me too. Just the peppers. I feel pretty good about myself, too. Now, Papa John, the original Papa John was throwing the N-word around. Yeah, but look, dude. He did it on a conference call, though.

That's true. That's when you know you're a narcissist. When you don't think anyone gets off that phone, you're like, fuck this, dude. I recorded that. Everybody. Drop an N-bombs. Talking about cheese and Parmesan all the time. Can't have this, man.

Yeah, bro. Everybody knows if you're going to use the N-word, you use it one-on-one with somebody. You know what I'm saying? That ain't that conference call drop, bro. You don't do that. Conference call? God damn, bro. Can't be selling pizza dropping M-bombs, dude.

I mean, now, but also if there was a dope-ass pizza place in an urban neighborhood and they were throwing the M-bomb out there with every pie, I might go get one. Oh, me too. Like if they called me the N-word as I grabbed the pie, I'll come back tomorrow. Dude, there's a place in Chicago called Mr. Weenies or something, and you go over there and they have a couple of unique women in the back, and they'll call you all types of names. Oh, I like that. Oh, they'll call you.

They'll be like, get that weenie. Fucker. Oh, get that weenie little, and they use the F-word, you know? Fucker? Fajot, you know? Fajot. Oh, word, word. And right when you pick it up, they'll be like, ooh, we got that weenie.

Oh, damn. See, I like that. And they will call you every name, bro. Dude, there's a place in LA. Part of their thing is called Wiener Circle. That's what it's called. Oh, damn, I like that. And not to be confused.

It's a deep dish, too. Not to be confused with the Schenley Park Golf Course up there in Pittsburgh where men drive around and meet each other out there by that sand trap. Yeah, they ain't the same thing. Weenie Circle. I'm trying to get a nice deep dish, maybe a Sicilian slice. You know what I'm saying? There's a place in LA you can go, and they just fuck.

You can get a mixtape, too. Deep dish and a mixtape, and they'll drop an M-bomb for you. Oh, I like that. It's a good deal, man. Well, you know, look, if there's no racism in the air, man, then the food ain't that good, and I've always said that. I've always said that. What's next, Chen?

This homeless dude from West Palm Beach. Oh, fuck yeah. Offered to- That guy looks like Don Flamenco from Mike Tyson's Punch Out. The guy looks like me in 40 years. Can we bring up a Don Flamenco picture really quick? He does look like him. If Don Flamenco got way older and did a lot of blow.

Bring it up, Chin. I'm doing it. I'm going to make you build a library down in the basement of the prison. I'm going to make you write notes so we get a library. Okay, there we go. Right there. He does look like him. Good reference, bro. Thank you very much. It's really Okay, there we go, right there. He does look like a good reference, bro. Thank you very much.

It's really the only reference. Dude, Stanford's really paying off, man. Thank you, man. It's the water, man. I'm proud of you, dude. Oh, I drank two gallons right out of the fucking- You gots to. Out of the water fountain when I was there.

You should have started licking the kids. See what happens. Oh, dude, I was about to steal a pint of blood from one little fellow. I just suck his neck. Get the blood out, bro. That vamp stamp. That vamp. Get that Stanford blood. What are you trying to suck his neck. Get the blood out, bro. Yeah, that vamp. That vamp stamp. That vamp. Get that Stanford blood.

What are you trying to say, Chin? Get through it. So what I'm saying, this guy actually offered to pay $500 to have sex with a few people. Okay. He gave them the money. Sounds like a good deal to me. He said one or more. There was like four people he was talking to.

So he said at least one person shows up. Here's the $500 to have sex. That's a lot of money. To meet at a day's end. She must have been hot, though. Must have been. For $500? For $500. So he had her professional. She didn't show up. He's the 500 bucks to have sex. That's a lot of money. To meet at a day's end. She must have been hot, though. Must have been. For 500? For 500.

So you had her professional. She didn't show up and you called the cops? I think they're just regular people. Yeah, it's America, bro. Anything over $275, you usually kind of are getting what you pay for visually. Yeah. If you're looking at JPEGs and if you're on adult friend search. Yeah, if you're on the back page and you're looking to land some nice tail for 275, you're

out your goddamn mind. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And you can't... Look, I've gotten on those sites, I own drugs and try to barter with people, and I save $30 here, $25 here, and it's work. They get pissed. Dude, that's like nickel and diming a tattoo artist. You don't get what you pay for. You don't want to do that with a positive. For a professional, I'm not trying to negotiate the price down. If it's $1,000 and she agrees to $200, she ain't coming looking like a $1,000 hoe. For $80 one time, somebody drove by and shot

all the windows out in the front of my apartment. I'd do that right now. And made me Venmo them, dude. And I Venmoed them fast, bro. Because I only had a couple more windows on the backside of my place. I was like, I got to fucking have some glass in the house but this guy man you mean being american so he paid hard cold tell us what happened chin get through it he called and got did they arrested him well chin showed up so he called the police that they took his money so of course the police

arrested him for soliciting prostitution and he was able to post bail which sounds weird too because he's homeless i guess he's homeless palm beach florida no one's homeless you ever been to palm beach well it's so beautiful outdoors, because he's homeless. I guess he's homeless. Palm Beach, Florida? No one's homeless. You ever been to Palm Beach? Well, it's so beautiful outdoors that if you're outdoors— Homeless means you don't have a fucking six-bedroom house. Yeah, homeless means you just don't feel like looking up at the sky, but it's beautiful there. Yeah, it's amazing.

It's beautiful. Everybody's, you know—I mean, that's fucking— This poor guy, though. This fucking poor guy. That's Mother Nature's taint, dude. Florida, beautiful area. What else we got, Chen? What else we got, Chen?

Do you want to jump into King or Sting It? Sure, man. All right. Direct this boat, bro. Just don't snitch on it. King or Sting It. All right. First one is from... What are the buzzers for again?

Just life. Yeah. All right, get to it, Chen. First one is from No Name. Enjoy. Hey, what's up, Theo? Gang, gang. Gang, boy.

All right, I got a King of the Singer for you guys. Chubby Chasers. Your opinion on that. Thin little chicks dating big old burly looking guys. Or skinny guys dating fat chicks. What are you guys' opinion on that? Me, personally, I don't get it. You know what I mean?

I don't know. I mean, I'd fuck a bigger chick, but I mean... There's a limit. Some of these guys, they want to double their weight. What are you guys' thoughts on that? Oh, my bad, Casanova! My bad, skinny Casanova!

Hey, homeboy! You're the chubby one out of the chubby chase relationship. News alert. In my opinion, bro, I don't get it, man. Hey, here's a fucking, let me wake you up fucking real quick, bro. If the person running is behind you, then you're the one getting chased, bro. Okay? Let me tell you this. The description.

First of all, thank you, young man, for sending us a mission, and we appreciate it, man. You seem like a good guy. I hope I opened your eyes up, though, a little bit. You got to say this, though, man. Look, a small, skinny girl dating a big, burly man is a molester, bro. That is a different thing, the way you described it. Can we go to the beginning where he describes it again, Chin? It's the very beginning.

His description is very strange. Yes. Let's hear it. I think he's confused on just life. Hey, what's up, Theo gang gang? All right, I got a King of the Singer for you guys. Chubby Chasers. Your opinion on that.

Thin little chicks dating big old burly looking guys okay stop it there thin little chicks are children bucko okay yeah thin little chicks what the fuck is happening right now yeah what are you sanderson farms bro you messing with thin little chicks having space what is it picky you in mississippi bro you up, man. You messing with them little birds, daddy. You could be throwing that vocabulary out there like that, man. But here's the thing, man. I say there's two types of everything evens out.

So yes, if you get a, you know, a lot of times if you have more of a Ruben-esque woman, more of that 1700s body style, then those women are more sexual, more, they're more loving, you know, you get more you know, they'll more sexual, they're more loving. You get more, they'll be patient, they'll hug you while you don't have an erection. You know what I'm saying?

You get a lot more support. They can cook too. Yeah, and you might have that snack. You might have, you got more of a teammate. Where if you get that lean gene, sometimes a girl that's real too lean it's like you know like i've said it before it's like making love to a uh pillowcase full of deer antlers or a crowbar yeah it's like sleeping next to a cold crowbar yeah it's like you want some some shelter bro yeah yeah if you're trying to hug a crowbar at night dude you're a fucking wet bandit you know

what i'm saying bro you're wet bandits bro from home alone dude you ever hug somebody that's real skinny bro it feels like you're taking a test you know i'm saying, bro? You're the wet bandits, bro, from Home Alone. Dude, you ever hug somebody that's real skinny, bro? It feels like you're taking a test. You know what I'm saying? It feels like third-year biology. It's kind of, it isn't the same. It's not fun. It feels like you're making love to a greyhound. Yeah, and I like, sometimes you got to, you know, you get a little more babe pig in the city, you know,

when you get that, you know, you get a warm bird. Yeah, that pig in a blanket, as I call it. Yeah, that pig in a blanket. That pig in a blanket, baby. Yeah, so I think you just got to think about it, you know? But also, I think he really needs to think about it. You know what I'm saying? Well, he was having a heat stroke, first of all,

during the middle of the thing, which was baffling to me. But I'll say King Chubby. Yeah, I'll say, look, man. There's nothing wrong with a little extra. And we got to define Chubby because his standards are kids, which I don't like to touch on. But my standards, I like curvy women. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't mind a woman that has a little bit of like an on-ramp, you know? All right, next one's from Mitch. That thigh way, you know what I'm saying? I hear you. That three-piece fucking dark meat. All right, this is Mitch from Fort... Huh? I hear you. That three-piece fucking dark meat. This is Mitch from Fort... Dude, you're like a fucking gun that doesn't...

that was not test-proven by any companies, bro. A bullet just starts coming out of it, and he has no clue what it's going to fucking be every time Brennan starts a sentence. I'm like a shotgun. I'm a musket. I'm a musket, bro. Brennan starts a sentence, has no fucking clue where it's going. I just throw it out, bro. I'm a musket. I'm a musket, bro. Brennan starts a sentence, has no fucking clue where it's going.

Throw it out, bro. I'm a musket. I'm a musket like your haircut. Looks like someone just shot you in the head. Aim small, miss small, son. Yeah, bro. Okay? You're a sniper.

Fucking pipe you down from far away, boy. This is Mitch. What do you got, chin, huh? What are you shaking fucking extra rocks out of your pant leg? What are you making, chest pieces? Get your shit together, dude. Okay, Brooks was here, boy. All right, Mitch from Fort Polk, Louisiana.

Oh, yeah, up in there in Anacoka. What up, you and Brennan? Gang, gang, buzz, buzz. Buzz, buzz. I'm out here in Fort Polk, Louisiana. Them two-wheel haters, motorcycles. I know. Buzz, buzz, gang, gang.

Two wheels to heaven, baby. Two wheels to heaven. Now, people get Two wheels to heaven. Now, people get fucked up on motorcycles. It's usually frowned upon. I have a son. I never want him to ride a motorcycle. I don't want to ride a motorcycle.

When I'm in traffic on that 405 and it's dead stop traffic and then some little fucking rice rocket goes, no racist, when a fucking rice rocket goes flying. Or Rasta rocket, too. It's black, guys. Jamaicans as well. Rasta rocket. Rasta rocket. Italians or rasta rocket too it's black guys jamaican rocket uh pasta rocket you know fucking uh acai rocket for brazilians yeah um koala rocket for australia you know that acai rocket baby so and when they fly by me and i'm stuck in traffic yeah dude i want one i'll even jump on the back and be a bitch. Really?

You'll never feel gayer than when you jump on the back of a bike and another man's driving it. That's happened to me before. I don't think it feels gay. I've never felt gayer. When you're going nuts to butt. It feels like you have a strong. No, when you're going nuts to butt and that power of that motorcycle is rocking you like this. You don't have to make your face like that while you do it.

And you're hanging on like this and you don't have a helmet and the wind's in your're doing it. And you're hanging on like this, and you don't have a helmet, and the wind's in your face, and then you got a boner going down the 405. What, bro? I don't think you're, I think you're on a date, it sounds like. Okay. You're right, bro. It was, he picked me up and was like, dude, are you hungry? I was like, yeah, I actually am.

And then I jumped on the back of his bike, and then we went and ate dinner, and then he took me home. Dude, that was a date. Ain't nobody on the back of his bike paying for a McNugget. That's what I'm saying, boy. You're right. Yeah, dude. It sounds like you don't know what's going on.

Yeah. First of all, I don't think if you're holding onto a man on the back of a motorcycle, that has any sexual connotation. Have you ever done it? Yeah, I've done it. It makes me feel like, oh, I have a strong friend that I can trust and that I can rely on. Yeah.

I think it could mean anything. It could mean you're trying to go and save money and you don't have gas money. The whole time I'm holding on to the guy, I feel like, man, I'm just glad I'm saving money on gas. Weird. Yeah. But, yeah, if you're on a motorbike in the 405, that's that 403, boy. You fucking fly to that thing, bro. You could be in Van Nuys in fucking two blinks of a fucking.

I feel like the Green Hornet down there, bitch. Oh, in two blinks of a large eyeball, you could be in fucking Van Nuys, boy. But yeah, there's something special about being on a motorcycle. And I'm not good at them, man. So I don't trust myself on them. Have you had one? I have. I actually won one one time in a raffle.

You know, because my family, a lot of raffle winners in my family over the years. And I won one and I sold it immediately, bro. They dropped it off. They dropped it off, bro. And we tried to take it down the street, and we fucking crashed it. So I shut it down right there. I had the option to win one. The last fight I ever fought in the UFC, the winner of that fight was sponsored by Harley-Davidson.

Got to pick any Harley-Davidson bike you wanted. I got beat up, so I didn't get the bike. Gang, gang, man. Well. It happened for a reason, though. God went, nah, give him the bike. Yeah. Well.

I'm going to king motorcycles. But your hair looks like you've been on motorcycles for decades, which is crazy, bro. Like I'm a grease. What do they call it? A grease. A greasers. Greasers, that's right. Yeah.

Yeah. Or just a grease or just grease yeah um you could use actually a little no you're just a little dry bro you and i got damaged here bro you and i damaged roots you and i got split ends are full split ends i do this i have some i can see them from here we are well quit looking creak What else we got? Are you king of seeing motorcycles, dude? Huh? That haircut? Here's the thing, man. Here's what I... What are you doing?

I'm going to king it because I'm jealous of them when they go down on those fucking acai rockets down the middle of the lane. I'm not good at making decisions on the fly, so motorcycles are not good for me. However, my sister was a liver recipient. She received an organ when she was young. And most organ donors are motorcyclists who die in accidents. So shout out to motorcycles. Yeah, but it's a brave move. But whenever you die, just know that you guys, your organs go somewhere good.

I'm going to king them. Awesome. I like that, dude. Oh, here's this guy, bro. This guy. Who is this guy? And Chip Manicocca, bro. Shout out for Pol. Who is this guy? And Chip McIntyre. Shout out to Coca, bro.

Shout out for Polk, son. All right, Chip McIntyre. Hey, gang. Buzz, buzz. Got a key here. Sting it for you. Flossing. I heard Brennan say he don't ever floss.

Bro, you got to floss. You get some stinky shit out from in between your teeth. Now. Bro, you got teeth like a crocodile. What's this dude talking about? His teeth are like crocodiles. Oh, he got them hit a crocodile. What's this dude talking about? His teeth are like crocodiles. Oh, he got them hitters, boy. Boy, don't bite me.

He's got that 4-3 defense. He's got that prevent defense. He's got that goal line defense for front teeth. Two linebackers in the back. Everybody up front. He's got that 5-2, boy. Look at that. Oh, damn.

He has that wishbone offense for the bottom two. He does. That's that wishbone. Oh, bro. That's Ron Dane there in the distance, bro, taking that fucking. He has six tailbacks, bro. Dude, you go to the wrong place in L.A. You're throwing up gang signs.

You smile like that, bro. His teeth throwing up gang signs. Oh, bro, bro. That back tooth went. You know what? Everyone else. Dude, he looks young, too. He looks like Dennis the Menace.

I'm telling you this, bro, this dude. So he's just saying floss it? Well, let me tell you this. Hasan Ahmad, whose dad is a fucking NASA rocket scientist, and mom is a dentist. His mom's like one of the biggest dentists in the goddamn nation. Biggest dentist in the game? Shut it down, dog. Yeah, bro, shut it down.

It's tooths. You know how easy it is to fucking. Dude, listen, Shut it down. It's toothed. You know how easy it is to fucking... Dude, listen, though. She said... Okay. She's an expert, homie. And she said flossing really doesn't make sense. Really? Yeah. Also, I don't floss. Look at his teeth.

Dude, he could floss with my shoelaces. What are you talking about? Oh, dude. He's got definitely... It looks like you could play... A team could have a good... You could play paintball within, dude. He's got definitely, it looks like, you know, you could play, like a team could have a good, you could play paintball like within his grill. He's got that wild grill, brother, but that's that bad boy right there. Who cares, bro? Some people have teeth that are real straight.

Fuck them, son. Show up and fuck them up. You have straight teeth, bro. Let me see your teeth. I've had- You've had some work done, huh? I've had some work done, though, yeah. You got that Hollywood fucking hitter.

Well, I got the- You got that fake front. I got the Invisaligns a long time ago. Yeah, whatever. Because I couldn't eat. I couldn't eat well because I put food in my mouth and it would come back out. You know, and it was... Because I had all these gaps in my teeth, but now I have...

Are they real? Is that bone or are they chiclets? This is bone, baby. Oh, really? This is fucking God's fucking white work, son. This is enamel. That ivory, baby. This is enamel, son.

Yeah, that elephant ivory. Dude, if I go to Africa, I'll look behind and there'll be a couple people with a net right behind me. Trying to kill you. Back the fuck off. That ivory, baby. This is enamel, son. Yeah, that elephant ivory. Dude, if I go to Africa, I'll look behind and there'll be a couple people with a net right behind me. Back the fuck off. Back up, bro. Trying to get these bad boys out of my face. Trying to get them tusky tusks. And I'll say this right here. We got a beautiful fucking Scottish guy right here. Hell yeah. And dude, where he's from, if you have nice teeth in that

country, they'll fucking take you down. They'll beat you down. Bro, I'm not even saying you can't have... Don't bless Scotland. I'm not mad. I don't think he's from Scotland. I'm not mad at shitty teeth, though. You know what I'm saying? If that's your thing, it makes you unique. I'd rather have shitty teeth than a fucked up mug.

Oh, that's fucking Dama Unique Wilkins right there than this little guy, bro, because that's the most unique dude I've ever seen. When I say floss, you gotta floss, man. It probably takes him six hours to floss those teeth. Bro, it's so easy to floss. He could probably just chew on a piece of string for a couple minutes. That's a good point. Just like toss a bunch of fucking string in his mouth. Oh, definitely, man.

Even silly string, he could probably fucking spray a batch of it into his mouth. He could chew on a slinky and I feel like you'd be all right with those teeth. Damn, dude. I'll king it, bro, and thank you for the submission. Yeah, I appreciate you, brother. All right, this one's from Sophia Wax Of Salt Lake City, Utah

Wow Okay Sophia Hey Brendan and Theo Damn girl Why you whispering? Okay can you Start it over And turn it up a little bit

Please bro I haven't Heard a woman's voice In a while Oh shit Dude Get your boner Out of my face

I'm chilling out Dude get your Stanford boner Out of my fucking grill Don't be Okay Right Dude, get your Stanford boner out of my fucking grill. Don't be... Okay. Right there. That was your one. Oh, I started over, man.

One more time. Are you an angel? Are you an angel? Hey, Brandon and Theo. What's up, girl? This is Sophia. Okay. Out of Salt Lake City, Utah.

Shout out to Mormons. And I had a singer I can't question. Damn. Damn, girl. Girls that shave their head. About to make all the girls. Theo busting his pants.

I actually did it a few years back. Oh, let's see. Kept it for a couple years. Oh, let me see. I liked it, but it's not for everyone. Really appreciate you guys. Love your content. Makes my days a lot better.

Well, you just made Theo's day. I'm actually a chemist, so sometimes I have long hours in the lab. Ah, damn. I'm actually chemist so sometimes I hang hours in the lab These pants are hard in the front material dude they put that wood in the front What is that the sexist woman in the world? She's a chemist? What are you trying to do, guys? Who put her in here? Trying to make me and Theo fucking come in the studio? Yeah, dude.

There's actually a thing on the wall that says we're not allowed to do that. It says no coming. And I'll say this, what are you, a chemist? What are you mixing up, straight up boner sauce? Because I think I caught a couple hits of it. Yeah, me too. Wow. up boner sauce? Because I think I caught a couple hits of it. Yeah, me too. Wow. That boner poison, bro.

I'm like, damn, did one of my ribs just slip down into my crotch? Because I don't know what's going on down here. What you mixing? Fucking love? Because I am fucking in. You know what I'm saying? What are you making over there? You're a chemist?

Are you an angel? Damn. God, that's sexy, dude. Jesus Christ. That voice. Fuck, man. I forget the question. are you an angel damn god that's sexy dude that voice fuck man I forget the question what

she wants to shave my head sure sure whatever you want to do I'll come to I'm in Utah any day now yeah dude

yeah you can shave my head is that what she wants and pour fucking acid on me or some shit as a chemist I don't care whatever you want girl Brendan will be in Utah

coming up soon dude it ends with want, girl. Brendan will be in Utah coming up soon, dude. It ends with a W-L. He'll also be in... No, I'm not there for a while. I don't know when I'm there. He'll also be in Alabama. A-L-L-B-A-M-A. Alabama? Brendan's in all types of unique places

in America. That's a chemist, though, bro. I can't hear the question. Look, but you can shave Brendan whenever you want. Bob Bob, Brendan Sheep. You can shave me and Theo. Yeah. And I actually need the top of my back shaved. So I don't know what your question is, but yes.

Yes, man. King it. Yeah, whatever you want. Take my money. Wow. Hey, bro, did you like what I was wearing last week? Be honest. I got to be honest.

And I've been seeing the comments online. People are saying, what's going on? Brendan used to be the better looking one, but last week, Theo really upped his game. Yep. And I thought, was it something with his hair? And then it hit me. I went, ah, it's his shirt. Yep.

You've seen that movie Untouchables? Yes. Well, Untuckables, that's a new movie that I'm thinking about making because I had that Untuckable hitter. Oh, I knew it was the shirt, man. From Twillery, dude. That's a new movie that I'm thinking about making because I had that Untuckable hitter. Oh, I knew it was the shirt, man. From Twillery, dude. I had that Twillery shirt. And was it comfortable?

It was easy to care for? You look great, and it fit perfect. Yeah, they sent me three of them, man. Three shirts came in a box. I put them on. Bam, bam, bam. Looked good every time. You know, it's kind of casual, especially with summer coming in.

It's kind of that perfect fit and peace if you just want to ride out and have a nice day. Yeah, and you want to look good. The shipping's always free in the US. There's free returns. They got it all, man. Tailor fit means you always look your best. Slimming, wear it tucked or untucked like the freaking king of sting over here. Untuckable casual shirting cut to untuck. Yep, and you can save more when you bundle. So get a $100 shirt for $55 when you buy in bulk. You need more than one shirt anyways. You can wear shirts all the time, dude. Yeah, people, look, I've almost never met anyone who didn't have a shirt on.

And you can't wear the same shirt every day, so might as well get a few of them. Yep, Smart Casual just got smarter. They got classic shirting, man. It's tailored. You look tailored. One guy was like, hey, are you tailored? And I was like, nah, man. The shirt is, brother.

Yeah. King and the Sting listeners, right now I want to let you know something. I'm sweating because I'm so excited about this deal. Oh, dude. You can get $25 off your first shirt. Dude, that's a good deal. Order by going to twillery.com slash K-A-T-S. Calm down, bud.

Oh, it's just such a good deal, and you looked so good last week. Enter promo code KATS at checkout. It's K-A-T-S at checkout. I'm sweating like I'm freaking. Why didn't you tell me it looked good? I'm sorry, man. You could have told me even personally more. Look, man, look, I'll just tell them that if you can't handle yourself right now.

King and the Sting listeners can get $25 off their first short shirt order by going to twillery.com slash K-A-T-S and entering promo code K-A-T-S at checkout. Look good. Dude, I got to apologize to you, Brendan. I know I sent you something for your birthday. When was your birthday? March 18th. You still haven't received it?

You haven't. And I messed up. You messed up because you didn't use ShipStation. No, I did not. You did not use it. That's why we use ShipStation. It's the fastest, easiest, most affordable way to manage and ship your orders, dude. Yeah, I gave it to this dude Vernon, and he was supposed to bring it over there.

Dude, you can't do that. You gotta go to ShipStation. No matter what you're selling. It was nice, too. It was very nice. No matter what you're selling, no matter what you're shipping, Amazon, Etsy, your own website, wanna send your friend birthday gifts, ShipStation brings you all your orders in one simple interface, making them really easy to

manage for any device, even your cell phone. Oh, yeah, yeah. If you are, if you're running a small business, especially, ShipStation helps you get orders out quickly, save money on shipping costs, and keep your customers happy. It works with all the major carriers, including USPS, FedEx, UPS, even Amazon Fulfillment. All of them. No wonder ShipStation is the number one choice for online sellers. You ship more in less time with the best rates available.

And right now, our listeners can try ShipStation free for 60 days when you use promo code... Kats. K-A-T-S. Yep, which is how Brendan naturally spells it. There's absolutely no... I'm just joking, bro. You're good, dude. Well, but sometimes I joke too much. There's absolutely no... I'm just joking, bro. You're good, dude. Well, but sometimes I joke too much.

There's absolutely no risk. You can start your free trial without even entering your credit card information. Just go to ShipStation.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in... Kats. K-A-T-S. Yep, that's ShipStation.com. Then enter promo code K-A-T-S. All right, debate club.

First one is Brandon Cooper from Knoxville, Tennessee. Gang, gang out of Knoxville. What up, Brandon? What up, Theo? What up, Brandon? What's up, player? I am super hungover, and I need to know what is a better hangover cure. Pedialyte?

Or the Big Brown Roast? Buzz, buzz, baby. That fucking roast, Theo. You need to grow up. You need to grow up and quit watching Saturday morning cartoons and drinking Pedialyte like a fucking pedophile. Pedialyte is a sexy hitter. It has different flavors. What flavor does something called big brown black rifle, first of all, which sounds like a hate crime.

Black rifle. Yeah, okay. If you have a black rifle these days, it doesn't sound like it's for shooting everybody, bucko. Okay? So if you like that fucking hate crime hitter, then get that black rifle. But if you want something soft that kids will come around here. Kids will come around? What the fuck?

Brody Michael Jackson? You know who else loves Pedialyte? The fucking Neverland Ranch. That too had tons of Pedialyte. Dude, where are the Neverland Ranchers? That's what I want to know. You always hear about Jackson. Oh, they died. Nuh-uh. Yeah, yeah, they killed them. I don't know.

Wow. But where's the guy on the horseback with a rope? You know what I'm saying? That's wrangling these kids. Where are the Neverland Ranchers? The employees. That's a good question. Pedialyte, Big Daddy, but don't have too much of it. It does have a lot of sugar. I learned that. By a lot, a ton. I have to fucking inform Theo here that he's drinking all sugar. Pedialyte, big daddy, but don't have too much of it. It does have a lot of sugar. I learned that. Buy a lot, a ton. I have to fucking inform Theo here that he's drinking all sugar and Pedialyte.

It's good for kids. If you're a grown man, a little weird. A little weird. I think some sort of warning to the FBI should come out if you're buying two or more bottles from the store. Yeah, don't drink it in your yard. I would say drink it indoors. It's an indoor sip or Pedialyte. Don't drink it in the yard where people can see you

drinking it because they don't feel the same way you do about it. Bro, now that Big Brown Roast, though? Yeah. Dude, I made that myself, bro. Fired them beans up.

Did you really? Yeah, bro. Oh, wow. Each batch. Ooh. Yeah, son. No, I heard it's that real hitter. People that come out on the road

say that Big Brown Coffee is good. It's legit good, yeah. I just think the term Black Rifle is... You're focused on the wrong thing. You're right. That's probably a good point. It's legit good. I just think the term black rifle is... You're focused on the wrong thing. You're right. That's probably a good point. It sounds like good coffee. But I'll say, look, man, if you do get the Pedialyte, I think they have a sugar-free

version, so you can get that daddy gone. Nah, drink the real thing if you're gonna drink it. Fucking king it, black rifle. Hell yeah. Alright, next one. Wow. Your buzzer sounds like a woman trapped in a well that you hid in a closet. Yeah, it does. Jesus.

It sounds like a woman's dunk contest. What do we got? All right. Benjamin Martinez. I'll be him. Yo, what it do, Rat King and B-Steam? What up, brother? I like the shaved head, son.

Corona, California. Got a debate for you guys. Underboob tattoos versus old school tramp stamps. Most can be hot. Some can be not. Let me know what you think. Much love. Gracias, Benjamin.

Dude, have you ever seen an under titty tattoo and not just like, God damn. They got a little bit of titterature under there. You lift it up and have a little Bible sentence or something. It's like finding Waldo, baby. Just fucking lift that titty up and boom, that nice art piece underneath the tit there. Oh, yeah. Anytime I see, listen, tramp stamps have never, listen, everybody, and you have one, never, ever have been cool.

Tramp stamps have never been cool, ever, in any world. I like them. I like tramp stamps because you see that tramp stamp, you're like, oh, that lady. Sometimes it's a coat of arms, a familial coat of arms, respecting the family. Sometimes it's a, you know, a falcon or something. You know you're having a good night. I like that gramp stamp, too. If your grandfather has a fucking gramp stamp on, dog.

Dude, the gramp stamp's pretty dope. You know, he's got a fucking black rifle on him. You know what I'm saying, bro? He's probably a real wildcat. But I'm saying this, man. I think that underboob tattoo, man, because it's almost like those Dove chocolates. You get those Dove chocolates, and then suddenly they put a little riddle or some words of positivity on there. Sometimes you lift up a tit and it says,

do your best or something. Yeah, it's almost like a fortune cookie, but of humans. You know when you crack open a fortune cookie and they give you a nice message? Some girls have that on their tits. Well, let's go abroad real quick and find out about fortune cookies. Kat, can you tell us a little bit about them? Well, they're American. There you go. And they are an American treat. This is me dodging racism right now.

Sorry. Fucking hate fortune cookies. I am obviously racist and I want to apologize too. But it's a legit question I would have went more with chin I went more with chin though on that well

really? I don't know if chin looks really ethnic to me thank you I mean he looks kind of older he looks older or younger I can't tell if someone has a chin that's like 14 or like 58 but he looks like maybe he was in a fire.

He looks like a 50-year-old man. Yeah. You might be right. But then he dresses like swaggy, you know, so it's confusing. Yeah. Yeah. So his thing is- Anyway, can we stop being-

Definitely not tramp stamps, for God's sakes. But if you do find a young lady or a man with a tramp stamp, you know you got a wild horse on your hand. Oh, yeah. They're growing up, though. They go anal. They go anal. They're growing up, though. They're going anal. The tramp stamps are getting bigger. That's the problem these days.

You know, like, they don't have them that much anymore. I don't think. I think tattoo, most tattoo places are like, no, we don't do them anymore. They're so lame, we're not doing them anymore. Let's go to Kat again for the younger generation. Are women doing tramp stamps? Are you seeing these these days, or is that? No, I see more under-boob tattoos.

Yeah. Do you have any tattoos, Kat? Yeah. Where? Under boob? With like rib under boob. The side boob, boy. That rib under boob.

That rib, boy. That's fucking rib-lickle. That rib hit her, bro. And Kat gots it. Oh, dude. Dude, fucking. Then side boob all day, bro. I'll go side boob, yeah.

Dude, you got a boner. But I respect those tramp stamps. What's the fan say? Yeah, I forgot to do the Hangover Cure one first. Unbelievable. That is 63% Pedialyte. Fucking haters. They are haters for sure.

And the tramp stamps is 86% under boob. Of course. That's an easy one. Yeah. And I want to apologize for the racism, but know that it could occur again. Yeah, it's in your blood, though. What else we got? There's a couple pints, though, that are a little bit ornery. I know. Yeah.

This is Forrest Morrison from New Orleans. Forrest Morrison. What's up, Brennan and Theo? This is Forrest coming at you from Gulfport, Mississippi, and I'm a graduate of the St. Paul School for Boys. He looks like he's on the Starship Enterprise. Theo's from. Anyway, I used to live in Los Angeles, and I'd love to move back, but the problem is that a micro

one-room apartment costs about $1,500 a month. Where you going? Now, I saw Dirt Nasty got himself a little Winnebago, so I started looking at all this van life stuff on Instagram. Dope. And I ended up copying myself a little van life. Oh, dope, bro. As you can see, it's got a nice little kitchen and a couch, and it even has a nice little S-hitter in the back. Oh, that shit hitter.

Let me know what y'all think. Wow. Studio apartment versus van life. Oh, dope, back. Oh, that shit-hater. Let me know what y'all think. Studio apartment versus van life. Oh, don't, bro. Oh, fuck. He said, oh, fuck. This guy's great, bro. Apparently he doesn't use those tissues

on his nose. It doesn't seem like there's a lot of... A little sticky icky there. A lot of seed milling about in the room. First of all, what's up for us? He graduated from St. Paul School for Boys and actually had a pedophile back in the day, this dude Slangenstein that used to work there, and he ended up coming over to our school and tried to— Is that elementary or middle school?

This was high school, dude. Oh, high school. I'm not getting molested in fucking elementary school like some fucking loser. Sorry. What I'm saying is, this was later on. And this man, anyway,

I knew a pedophile from there. Okay. And he came to our school. Oh, damn. That's cool, man. So you guys connect on that. But he was also a cool guy, man. He took me to a Marilyn Manson concert.

Oh, damn. Cool. My first concert ever. The pedophile did? Yep. And dropped me and my best friend off there, dude. He took one of my buddies to Las Vegas. Are you leaving some more of the story out?

I don't remember anything else. Yep. You know? That's crazy. The beautiful people. The beautiful people. Ah! And he was just grabbing cock.

Oh, man. Dude, and that's when Marilyn used a bottle and cut open his drummer Ziggy or something. And the ambulances came and took him to the hospital. Cut him open with a bottle right on stage. Damn. It's fucking awesome. That's back when they really meant it. Yeah, that's when rock was rock, you know?

Yeah, dude. That's when entertainment. Not this other shit. No, that's this bullshit. Yeah, I'd love to see Ariana Grande fucking tighten Frankie up with a little fucking- Yeah, let me see fucking Bruno Mars fucking bite a bat's head. Yeah. You're doing shit.

I'd love to see Bruno Mars just fucking pipe down fucking Larry Saturn with a blade or something. You know what I'm saying? That's what people work hard. Shout out to Larry Saturn, bro. Yeah, I'd like to see Ariana Grande fucking maybe take a sword to little Frankie Grande out there on stage, tighten things up. Keep the music real. What was his question? What was his question?

This guy's been masturbating? A studio apartment versus van life. Van life, bro. Van fucking life. Especially that van. Get your cum rags cleaned up, though, before we jump aboard. I'm not mad at the micro van. Yeah, I'm not mad at the micro van.

Go anywhere you want. That's that Simon Rex. That's that dirt nasty style, man. I do think with that van, you got more opportunity to mill about. And now in LA, though, you always could be in traffic. But at least if you're in traffic, if you get stuck, you're at home. But take a nap. Take a fucking nap. Run 405, take a least if you're in traffic, if you get stuck, you're at home. Take a nap. Take a fucking nap.

Run a 405, take a nap, wake up, traffic is gone. Actually, really a great idea, man. You live in Compton. You go to the beach if you want. Head up north to San Francisco. Yeah. You don't have to go home and take a shit. You can just shit and just floor it.

Yeah, I guess that's it. You can take a shit and floor it. The problem is that Winnebago doesn't smell like shit, though, you know? Yeah, but if you keep the window. You just roll it on the windows. I like the micro van, bro. You've solved it, man. You can go anywhere you want, man.

You're living, brother. Yep. You're living, brother. And I'm glad you're taking King and the Sting with you out there, man. I say, what was the question? King the micro van. Yeah, I say King it. It's a debate.

So you pick the studio apartment or pick a van life? Van life, bro. Van life, man. All right. Pick king it. So you pick the studio apartment or pick a van life? Van life, bro. Van life, man. All right. Pick up some lot lizards on the way. Audience says studio apartment 70%.

Wow, haters. Hating that dude. Trying to stay in one spot, I see. All right, next one is relationship advice. Oh, shit. First one up is Nestor

from San Jose. It's Nestor. Nestor. What up, Theo? What up, Brendan? Gang, gang. Buzz, buzz. What up, Theo? What up, Brendan? Gang, gang. Buzz, buzz. What up, Buzzy Buzz?

Quick relationship advice because I'm Mexican and come from a very traditional big Mexican family and my girlfriend's white and whenever I go home, you know, to visit my family,

I love to bring her along because I really want her to grow close to my family and she does too. Sure. However, there is, you know, the big barrier of language because my parents don't speak very good English. Preach, bro.

And she doesn't Spanish. Yep. So, Brendan, I know your girlfriend's Mexican and comes from a pretty traditional family. I was wondering if you guys ever, you know, faced that language barrier, and if so, how did you guys overcome it? Thank you guys so much. Theo, see you this weekend at San Jose.

Gang, gang. Gang, gang, Nestor. Thanks for coming out, man. I hope you San Jose. Gang, gang. Gang, gang, Nestor. Thanks for coming out, man. I hope you had a good time, brother. Yeah, shout out to Nestor. Because we were just taping this right after that. This is for you, B. Go on.

Let me tell you something, bro. I've been with my girl for a hard six-ish years. Her family is straight off the boat. Seis años. When I mean straight off the boat, I mean they jumped the wall, Mexican. You know what I'm saying? Like real Mexicans.

All her family is still back there in Guadalajara. Yeah. And they're here now. And listen, my house is like a goddamn, I'm a refugee in there, man. I'm the only one who doesn't understand Spanish. I'm sure they're talking shit about me. Solamente no espanol. Yep.

Zero. Zero. And listen, I'm around all the time. I'm talking, I am consumed with Mexican shit. I got Telemundo on my goddamn TV. It's a relief when I get to see other white people and speak my native tongue of English. It's a real gift for me. I'm going crazy at home, man.

It's almost a cry for help. I don't know Spanish, man. I've been around for six years. My brain just goes, nah. You're too old. Nah. Wow. He goes, nah.

Nah. You're too old. Nah. Wow. Also, I can't stop my life and learn fucking Spanish either, dude. What do you mean stop your life? I can't stop my life and learn Spanish. You don't have to be anywhere. I know.

Dude, Rosetta Stone tried it. Nothing. You know what I learned in Rosetta Stone? Nothing. Yeah, but still. Bueno. No bueno. Si. No bueno. Si.

No si, he said the other day. Instead of no, he said no si. Brendan is absolutely one of a kind. Look, man. My son talks shit to me in Spanish. How do you think that feels, bro? A three-year-old talking shit to me. Going puto.

Help the guy with his problem. I'm like, what the fuck is he saying right now? Quit complaining and help the guy with his issue. Oh, here's the thing. Fuck it. Fuck it. Just zone out like I do and slang that dick, bro. What?

Yeah. What you do is you eat that good, you feed her that good Mexican food and hope she jumps on board. If she doesn't, just keep bringing it around. Just stare off to the ceiling and eat fucking chili con queso. Damn. It'll work out, bro. Yeah, it con queso. It'll work out, bro. It'll work out, bro.

Also, it's almost nice because they know I don't speak Spanish, so no one talks to me at these gatherings. I speak for a living, so it's kind of nice. No one talks to me. I just eat my fucking queso and my fucking sopas and pozole, and I fucking zone out, man. It's actually the dream. Now they say it out loud.

Gorgo gringo, they say. out, man. It's actually the dream. Now they say it out loud. Gorgo gringo, they say. Yeah, bro. Look, man, I think it's brave to take a white person into a fully Mexican household, man. This shit sounds adventurous and exciting. Also dangerous, though. Don't forget that. Peligroso. Yeah.

I want to be Mexican next time. You know, I've already stated that. I'm ready. I'm 100% ready. I'm reincarnacion. And then... Dude, you were speaking Spanish to my family a little bit. Really?

I love Spanish, man. They were impressed. Hey, and keep your fucking hands off my mother-in-law, dude. I saw the way you were looking at her at Thanksgiving. Mi manos? Yeah, mi manos. No, señor. Señor.

¿Dónde es mi manos? ¿Dónde está? Where are my hands? She's very beautiful. Okay, sorry. And that was Chin. Chin, don't chime in like that. Sorry.

What I would like to say is good luck out there, man. I think it's brave what you're doing. And get that lady in there, man. You got that white girl, bro. Bring her in there. Teach her the ways, bro. Feed her the food. Yeah, get her a little primer or something,

a little sheet or something, tattoo or something else. Under boob of a little bit of education, you know? Teach her the ways, the Mexican ways. Educate her. Yep.

Drop a little culture on her ass. Yeah, man. Then drop that queso, baby. Yeah, man. Good luck, brother. Put that fucking brain salsa in her, you feel me? All right, next one's Andy Rupnik.

What up, B-Sting and the Rat King out here asking for some relationship advice. I have a lovely wife. Love her very much. Sure. Came from a conservative family. Yeah. I came from the opposite.

She hates anything to do with smoking, especially the greenery. Sounds like a real L7. Got that greenery here and there. Always keep it away from her and the family, though. You know, I'm doing it on my own time. Ah, bro, live your truth. I do vaping, too. Vaping's a lot. And so, yeah, that's just an issue that's always on the shelf with us so uh

i just kind of am sticking my ground and she's standing her ground not you know still not liking it and i'm gonna still keep doing it i guess we kind of deal with it but yeah it's a i guess it's an issue a relationship issue so what would you guys do in a situation like this? Cheers. Yeah, bro. Dude, live your truth, bro. Suck it in, bro. Suck. Suck. Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah, bro. That was a hell of a pull. Here's the thing, bro. Yeah, it was sexy. You gotta live your truth, man. Also,

is your wife a 45-year-old librarian? Who's not down with marijuana these days? It's legal in most spots. Also... States, they're called. States, but most spots. You know're called states but at most spots you know what i'm saying spots bro but here's the thing um are you cheech and chum like can you not live your life like are you smoking non-stop are you fucking rogan without the success you know i'm saying like what are we doing yeah man it's like uh i don't actually what do you think chin and

cat what do y'all think about this one once you guys chime in i have no idea I don't know. Actually, what do you think, Chin and Cat? What do y'all think about this one? Why don't you guys chime in? I have no idea. If they don't like it, then oh well. You don't stop. I'm saying if it's affecting, if you're showing up to every function high as fuck, you got a problem, dude. But if you're just fucking smoking that devil's lettuce at night and watching fucking Scooby-Doo and eating Doritos, laughing your ass off and farting and shit. Dude, live your life, bro.

That's called a good time where I'm from. Now, there is something special about sneaking off from your family to do drugs. Yeah. And I've always thought that, man. I used to be at family functions and I'd sneak off and huff a little paint or do whatever we had in the garage. You felt like Mission Impossible, didn't you? Oh, if I didn't have weed or something or beer, I'd sneak off into the garage and just

get a little bit of a garage high, you know, just huffing whatever was out there, you know. Kiddo style. Roll back in and have a couple pieces of fucking cake and watch some NCIS with the parents, you know. Fuck, yeah. And that was fun. I love, there's nothing more fun than being high around a group of people that doesn't know you are, and

then talking to them and continuing to talk to them. Wow, that sounds like a nightmare for me but yeah you got high this weekend you tell me that yeah i got high this weekend with uh freaking uh derrick and uh a son someone someone brought us some weed and our hotel was haunted and i slept with the lights on friday night and i thought saturday night i'm gonna sleep with the lights off because grown man quit being a pussy but then i smoked this weed it was that good milwaukee shit oh yeah that fucking fear the deer weed that mill weed shit. That fucking Fear the Deer weed.

Dude, that fucking Greek the Freak weed hitter. I took that thing. I got super scared in my room. Didn't sleep very much at all. What were you scared of? Ghost. The ghost. The ghost. All the ghosts. I didn't get any sleep, bro.

I could see you being scared of ghosts, man. That's fascinating. Don't you think you should live its truth, though, Theo? Yeah, look, I just think it's fun to sneak off from your family and get high. I think doing that is a fucking hoot. Keep a little weed in a garage. Keep a fucking dime sack out.

Tape it into the top of the mailbox. I think doing something like that, hiding drugs in your car and copping half a gram while your wife's in there thinking you're just on a commercial break from the TV. Rob a bank. Yeah. Do that, dude. On your off time.

Having some secret fun is fun. And so I would just keep it a secret, though. It's when you have this weird thing where you need her to know that you're doing it, and then you're just creating controversy. So you think you should just lie and hide it? You're a bad dude. No, I don't. I think you should just be like, hey, bitch, at night I like to smoke some weed. Yeah.

I'm living my life. It's not affecting me. We're not doing anything. I just smoke in the back. Yeah. Hola, pero yo prefiero marijuana en la noche. Boom. Hey, Kat.

That means yo, bitch. Let's smoke some weed at night. Does your man smoke or do any drugs? Yeah, tell us about it No I just found out she has a titty tattoo So, I mean I'm looking at Kat a little different

Yeah I didn't know that I know You asked her about fortune cookies Yeah Remember that? Yeah, that's what I call tits, bro Oh, dude

Nice move, huh? That fucking Stanford education Don't touch me What were you saying, Kat? No, no drugs over here You never done drugs? Not a fan You ain't living then What do you saying, Kat? No drugs over here. You never done drugs? Not a fan.

You ain't living then. What do you mean not a fan? Not a fan. I've tried it. Which ones you try? Just weed. Just weed? It fucks me up.

I'm like Chris Tucker where I want to run away from people. That's hide and go seek. You got that free hide and go seek with yourself. Yeah, it's fun. You don't need other friends. PTL, baby. Praise the Lord. What's next, Chen? All right, next one's flaunting my aunt.

And if you guys want to know little things. What happened to your fine ass aunt, Chen? What the fuck, bro? She hasn't been DMing both of you guys constantly? I don't know, bro. I haven't seen it, though. That little chinchilla, where's she at? She's still happy in Texas.

Oh, she sounds like she's having a tough time with her man. Tell me more. I think she would gladly go on dates with both of you guys any minute. Oh, shit. I'll be in San Antonio in three months. I don't know how far that is from Miss Chin-a-chin-chin. But I'll tell you where I'll be. I'll be your uncle, bro.

I'll be in. She's down. She's down for anything. Oh, wow. That's all I know. Wow. She's a wild woman. She's down for anything. That's all I know. Okay. Wow. She's a wild woman. Up down for anything?

Bro. Now I'm not into it. Chin throwing his hand under the chuss over here. You got to tighten up. I'm trying to get that beef brisket in San Antonio and a fucking taste of chin-a-chin. That barbacoa. You know what I'm saying, bro? We trying to tighten up.

A fucking Korean barbecue in San Antonio. Yeah, that meat. That's it. That is salami. What the hell? Toast these buns. Yeah, man. What were we talking about?

Come on, man. This is falling out. This is falling out. Jesus Christ. If you guys want to know little details about them, I have a few things. Yeah, I'd love some details. Let me see this fan, bro. All right.

This is Aunt Cindy. Fuck yeah, dude. about them i have a few things yeah i love some details let me see this man bro all right this is aunt cindy fuck yeah she sold tires all her life but she's retired now she posts at least two pictures a day to facebook and enjoys the outdoors and judson is who the who's submitted his aunt dude shout out to this lady you know selling tires ain't an easy job i used my brother used to work at a discount tire i worked there for for about two days, got fired. Not my thing. I can see that. Yeah, not my thing. But with her, you know, would she win a fucking cannonball contest? Probably. Probably, if I had to guess, would fucking murder that contest. She's got them Martinellis, boy.

She's looking pretty fly, I think, man. Yeah, she's got that swaggy one-piece on with the dress in the front. Looks like she's had some good years, you feel me? And that's Aunt Cindy, and she's fucking dropping. 22s on fucking thugs and fake thugs around town. And hopefully highballing them and making a couple extra bucks for herself. Hell yeah. She has a pool. So that's nice.

And they got a kid in the pool. And who is that? That kid's looking at us. Kevin Spacey a little. Yeah, it does. Look like a little Kevin Spacey back there. That's like that white Jordan. That's like that crying Jordan. That's like that crying Jordan.

That's just that fucking swimming Randall. Zoom in on that swimming Randall, Chin. Let me get in there. Dude, that... She looks pretty dope, man. That swimming Randall right there, bro. Is that a ghost? Yeah, it might be a ghost. Or is that just a really white kid in a pool? And why is it just his head? Where's his body?

Look, I'm glad that Aunt Cindy, you know, she worked hard and she retired and she's spending time doing things she loves. She's smiling. Slanging that rubber, bro. Oh, yeah. Slanging that rubber. She looks like she won a belly flop contest or a cannonball. I wouldn't want to be in the same competition.

She ain't afraid to get out there. Hell no. I bet she can fucking, what do they call it? Jack knife. Remember the jack knife dunk? Yeah. Remember that kid that was doing the pool? Oh, yeah, that jack knife.

Fuck, that was dope. Yeah. I mean, I would let her fucking do a full body flop on to me. Hell yeah. And she's a beautiful lady. Thank you, Judson. Is that his name? Yeah, Judson.

That's insane. Shout out to Judson's aunt. All right, this one is Grandma Mitsui. I don't trust her. She is 85 years old. I don't trust her right now. It's in the ice. Fakes her heart attacks to get rides in ambulances.

And she likes to paint. Submitted by Daniel from Maryland. Shout out to Daniel. She likes to paint. Hold up. She fakes. Hold up. Fuck the paint.

She fakes heart attacks so she can get attention. That's a homeless trick. That's a homeless thing. Yeah, it is. So they can get fucking IVs and fucking meth. She looks like a charming woman. She's 85 years old with agents you don't know but she still takes care of herself look at her she's very uh she has a you know she has an attractive look she takes care of her hair she's a sweater she's clearly flexible the way she's bent down

you know both knees are not giving up yeah it's a a Filipino squat, they call that. Yeah. We call it the Philly squat. They do? I like that. And they also, if you look at her, she's obviously very, she's simple to take care of. She doesn't require a lot. She's wearing a Santa hat and also opening up a bag that has an extra Santa hat in it. You know what? Now that I look at this, it bums me out a little bit.

I think this is kind of a sweatshop scenario here. When's the last time you saw so many colored Santa hats? She looks scared. She has a whole fucking bag full of different colored Santa hats. That's only in China where that happens. Yeah, it does look like dress down Friday, too, because she's kind of wearing whatever she wants. Casual Fridays. But still doing work.

But still working. Dishing out. When's the last time you saw a blue? What the fuck do you do with a blue Santa hat? That's some Chinese shit, bro. It's different times, bro. Times have changed, man. Santa's, you know.

They're paying her seven cents on the hour. Got his own ideas. Yeah. Shout out to this aunt, though. I hope she's doing okay. Yeah, I hope she's all right. And that's a grandma, not an aunt. And thank you, Grandma Mitsui.

Keep faking them hot attacks. All right. Corazon violencia. That's how you would say that in Spanish. Oh, thanks, dude. All right. Thisazon violencia. That's how you say that in Spanish. Oh, thanks, dude. All right. This is Uncle John, and he tried to rob a bank and was shot several times. He's dated several models in other countries, a.k.a. he got catfished,

and was 100% the person who took this picture. Sounds like Uncle John's a liar. However, pretty awesome. That Da Vinci code book, he rented that from the library? Why is there a barcode on the back? That's a great question. It looks definitely stolen because libraries are closed. And he's also using a selfie stick to take this.

Yeah, very alarming. I'm going to go out on a very short limb, that's not even a limb, it's the truth, and say, look, man, if this is one more troubled stepdad reading the fucking Da Vinci Code and trying to hit on fucking Russian models on the internet. Save it. Seen it way too many times, Pop Pop. Cry me a river, Unc Unc.

Yeah, and he's got that Paul, he obviously got that Paul Bunyan hitter he's wearing from the fucking Paul Bunyan catalog for boys and troubled men. Dude, also, you're batshit crazy. You don't think he's on the FBI's most wanted list. Look at this uncle, bro. He thought it was like most wanted, like that mean women want him, and that's why he got on the list. He's just getting catfished every day by the FBI, by the government, Facebook.

Yeah, yeah. He's just confused. He thinks he wins money all the time on the fucking internet. If you don't think this guy's fucking been wiretapped, you're out of your mind, bro. Start fucking living, man. But he seems like a good guy, man. He's getting some rest. You know, it's obviously that he's healthy.

You can see his arms and no track marks. He has a book in front of him. Also, the other way to view this, it might be the first dead person we've had submitted for Rick My Drift. That's a good point, dude. There's that. There's that. There's that. It's flaunt my uncle. Whatever.

Well, this is flaunt my uncle. What else you got? All right, so that's it. Is he dead? Look at him. He's dead. It's the first dead person we've had submitted. He does look pretty dead.

And shout out to the dead people, man. They're people too, you know? Yeah, them ghost makers, baby. They got it. You know, ghosts have to start somewhere, and they don't start from the living. Cemetery alumni. Shout out to them.

All right, that's it. Oh, wow. to start somewhere, and they don't start from the living. Cemetery alumni. Shout out to them. All right. That's it. Oh, wow. What's up, bro? Not much, man. I had a good time. How was your time to you? I had a great time, man.

I appreciate your services. Thank you, man. Services. Yeah, you know what I'm saying, bro. Nuh-uh. I don't either. I just don't know where I'm at. Finally.

And that'll hold up in court. I don't know where I'm at, bro. Let's make sure we got the audio on that. I'm in Washington, D.C. this weekend, brother audio on that. I'm in Washington, D.C. this weekend, brother. Are you? I'm in Washington. Only show not sold out is Thursday. Wow.

Friday, Saturday, four shows sold out Thursday. Get your tickets, t5k.com. And I'm in Phoenix. Next month, I'm in Phoenix Stand-Up Live. Weren't you just there? I'm there this weekend. I'll be at Stand-Up Live. Boom.

Thursday, Friday, Saturday. And my mom and brother are going to come, man. I do. Congrats, man. Don't fucking touch me. Tell your mom I said what's up, though. Me? Tell your mom I said what's up.

Yeah. I'll tell her. She'll be like, who is that? No, she'll be like, oh, I love that guy. We'll see. Yeah. Actually, she has, I think, Watch King and The Sting, but she said she didn't want to comment on it, is what she said.

I know. My mom doesn't even watch it. She goes, I can't. She goes, I just can't. Yeah. No one knows what I do. So anyway. My mom doesn't even watch it. She goes, I can't. She goes, I just can't. Yeah. No one knows what I do. So anyway. How about, I'm excited about this.

And then I'll be in Kansas City the next weekend and we're adding a late show. Sorry, Brendan. Oh, good for you, brother. On Sunday though, right? Yeah, we're adding a late show on Sunday in Kansas City. Shout out to Kansas City on Sunday.

I'm that one hour, or not one hour, my comedy bit on This Not Happening airs Friday, 11 Pacific. Oh, nice. Comedy Central. First stand-up that people are going to see that haven't come to my show. And they edited a 20-minute bit into seven. So we'll see how this goes.

Good for you. That means you said there's 13 minutes that people won't have seen. That's good. You still own it. Special drops May 17th, though. Showtime. Wow, coming up quick. I know, bro.

I'm nervous. Damn. We'll figure it out, man. You got a fucking start in my heart? Yeah, I do have a start in my heart, heart man i got reminded of it during this episode we had the uh the young fella hit in from fort polka there near leesville and anacoka louisiana and i remembered that i went to prom there they had a girl i met at student council this girl named samantha dewey was her name dewey oh dude dewey dewey do we love her yes we do you know she was dewey dewey was her name. Dewey? Oh, dude. Dewey, Dewey.

Dewey lover. Yes, we do. You know, she was just the most stunning girl I've ever seen. I met her at student council. Oh, describe her. She looked like... Compared to a celebrity. She had eyes like a falcon from like a...

Oh, the beady kind? No, no, no. Like a rat. Like a very wise, beautiful falcon. Oh, like an owl. Eyes like an owl. No, like if you had like a fine-ass falcon, you didn't even believe it was a falcon. It was just like a really attractive.

Piercing blue? Yes, piercing blue. That was it. Keep going, bro. She had beautiful eyes and she had nice hair. She had long hair. It was all her hair. Had a dumper on her?

I don't remember all that, guys. Dewey didn't have a dumper? Well, hold on, dude. So anyway, I went to prom with her, man. I went to this small school, and I drove five hours. I borrowed a friend's car, got out there. Desperate. Oh, God, dog.

Five hours for Dewey with the dumper? Dude, I fucking, Pamela Anderson, her prime was like, hey, drive five hours and I'll suck you off if I wouldn't drive five hours. You're a different man now, Othello. You've come up, bro. Well, I haven't, bro. And this is back when five hours was like 10 hours. This is back when cars only went about 45 miles an hour. And so

I got there, dude, and then we had a blast. We had a beautiful, just a regular her dad was in the military, so they let me stay at their house. The family did, but at the end of the night when we got back home we had to be home by like midnight and um and the dad let me spend one minute talking to her in front of him before uh we went to before i went had to go sleep in the room that i was sleeping in the dad was you got one minute tell her what you want to tell her then get to your fucking room yeah keep your dick in your pants oh yeah well there was a yeah. Well, there was nothing.

Keep the snake in the cage. There was nothing profane going on at all. It was chill. How old were you? 18, 17? No, I was like 15 or 16, man. I was young and barely had gotten even to know my dick. Wow.

You know? So shout out to her, Dewey? Anyway, here's what happened. I just found out. Shout out to prom? Yeah, I do. I just found out like a month ago, she passed away. She passed away from cancer a couple of months ago. I didn't know about it.

And, but that kid made me think about it, man. But she was like the highlight of my high school was that I got to go to prom with this beautiful young lady. And I know she had like, she has a family in Houston and some children and it was just heartbreaking to hear. But anyway, you know, just remembering her just started my heart. So. Not where I thought that story was going to go. I was trying to get to the end of the story. You could have been like, chill. Hey, Brennan, chill on the Dewey dumper stuff because she passed away.

You literally could have just been like, hey, just chill a little bit because she passed away before you start making fun of this. I tried to give you signals. Help me out, man. Be my John Stockton. I went like... You're Karl Malone dating Dewey. Give me a fucking heads up.

You're over there rebounding when there's not even a shot in the air. You're out of your mind, bro. You're right, bro. But give me a heads up. Well, shout out to Dewey. Shout out to Samantha Dewey. We'll see you in heaven, young lady.

See you in heaven, Dewey. I don't know where to go from there. Jesus, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told that story. My start, my heart. I didn't mean to tell. I didn't know I was going to tell it. I'm all disfixed.

My start, my heart was the blind girl from American Idol. Shout out to her with one eye doing the damn thing. She had one eye or blind? She's blind. Okay. And she's doing it. Huge difference. She's's doing it huge difference she's fucking doing it man

you know now does she make it to the next round I don't know I watched last night her performance was iffy bad song choice but she has

she's blind in one eye and the other's sketchy it's foggy and she's doing it so shout out to her what song did she sing I can't follow this

what what song did she sing do you remember the star spangled banner I don't know this. What? What song did she sing? Do you remember? Um, the Star Spangled Banner. I don't know. It was awful. That's an easy fucking song. The Star Spangled Banner? She didn't sing that. I wish she sung it. It was awful, dude. It was awful.

Why not sing the Pledge of Allegiance? Could you fucking make it any easier, bro? Well, here's she... Her name's Shay. Shout out to Shay, American Idol. Shout out to Dewey. Now I feel like a dick. I'll see you guys on the road. I'm sorry I shouldn't have brought it up, man. I didn't... No, it's all good. Hit it.