The Golden Hour - Episode 130: The Shoey Show

Episode Date: July 16, 2021

Chris Distefano is back and the guys take part in a group shoey session, and talk NIck's velcro kicks, Brendan on roids and his beef with AC Slater, Chris going Hollywood, the first ever KATS sponsored athlete submission, all new Flaunt My Aunt's, the Homeless Pimp's accidental catfishing involving Brendan and much more! Get your King and the Sting merch at katsmerch.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Boxing is one thing, but weight wise is a big thing in MMA. Like, are you confident right now? Because you just outweigh him so much. Let's say Conor McGregor healthy, you would just beat the piss out of Conor McGregor. Me? Because you outweigh him by so many pounds. Yeah, but I also fought professional at a high level. That's what I'm saying, but you haven't fought in a few years.

Doesn't matter. I'm a black belt in jiu-jitsu. I take them down and choke them out. Ooh, who's horny? Dang, dang. Boom, boom. Back off my broccolini. Get your life together. It is.

Don't touch me, bro. I'm not touching you, dude. Let the greatest show on earth. You went to two hours of sleep? Yeah. What happened, hon? Papa couldn't sleep. Why?

A lot of anxiety with the studio. Don't worry about it. I'm under the crunch time right now. I've got to crunch time right now well let me tell you this dude you want uh you want the uh studio to go bye-bye we can make the studio go bye-bye no no no little arsonist oh when we set it on fire nope please don't me and pip know a couple guys absolutely looks like you know his way around a match pimp knows his way around a match dude yeah pimp is uh pimps yeah man he wears corduroy pants it doesn't it was 130 degrees in the valley yesterday those corduroys were on ready to go yeah you don't look like a short guy no no he's not getting out the calves

really once in a while you ever put a sock on one of the hands like mankind you put a dirty sock on and fucking shoving people's mouths that's assault these days that is assault that is assault homeless pimp is um yeah he's my guy he uh when i first met him i thought he was like genuinely retarded and just because of like the clothes he was wearing and all that and his glasses and and i thought it was like i thought like yannis like brought like a make-a-wish guy and i was like i was like like you want to contest yeah sit in in the studio you know because you know i thought like oh that's what it is but then but then when i got to meet him i was like oh no dude like this guy's like legitimately real and he's your guy guy now no no pimp is your man

no no pimp is my legitimate like i will protect homeless pimp at all costs like i just called him retarded but i will apologize to him profusely when we get in the car 100 yeah like i will i will say that was just a bit i'm sorry like what do I need to do to make this better? He's going to say two grand. Yeah, dude, two grand. This all better be on the podcast, by the way. It is. Yeah, we're always recording.

Yeah, okay, yeah. Yeah, because, dude, look at fucking Nick. Dude, Nick's the only guy I've ever met that's not retarded but also wears Velcro sneakers. Are those Velcro? Yeah, dude, he's got Velcro. How are you allowed? Dude, how do you?

Goddamn, peanut butter fountain. Why do you got Velcro on? Dude.. He's got Velcro. How are you allowed? Dude, how do you? Goddamn peanut butter fountain. Why do you got Velcro on? Dude. Because my girl is sick of my shoes. Dude, every. Really? Brendan, from now on, every time you post your kicks of the day, I need Nick to post his kicks of the day.

I need to see what pieces of shit he has on his feet. Your girl bought you Velcro just because she was sick of you having your shoes untied? Yeah, yeah. Why are they always untied? What are you, four? I don't know. I don't know. But it was a problem when I was a child, too, and my grandma got me Velcro shoes, and now

my girlfriend did it for me. Just staying on the Velcro. And I fucking love them. You know what, man? It fits the show, though, dude, because half of Theo's fans wear Velcro shoes. It fits the show perfectly. Do you guys have to tie your shoes in the morning do you just slip into your shoes because if you're tying your shoes i'm saving time you guys are idiots you are i usually i usually slip into my shoe but i always like to buy a bigger shoe like i'm actually a size 11 foot i got a

little i got a little bit of a smaller foot for a man, but I go 12 and a half. I just started wearing a size 14. I've been a 13 since high school. Yeah. I just started doing 14. I like a little wiggle room. I have wide feet. Well, no. Your foot is getting bigger because you're on steroids.

Dude, because that chain was a little loose yesterday, dude. Daddy's neck's getting a little thick. Just watch the progression of the podcast. It just gets tighter And tighter and tighter Before it just comes off You're like I just want the king of stick Yeah dude

No man so How'd your filming go For your TV show The filming You're show Hollywood now Bro show Hollywood I'm about to do Access Hollywood

Mario Lopez In about an hour Watch that It's coming out I'm gonna try to Tickle Mario Lopez's balls Or do something like Cancel Ball

Nobody's gonna to watch it on TV, but the clip would be cool. It'll be. Hopefully it goes viral. Tell me can beat him in a boxing match. I trigger him.

I will. And I'm going to tell him what you said. I'm going to tell him because yesterday on you came on my show, the Chrissy Chaos podcast, Tuesdays at 11 Eastern time.

You you came on my podcast and you said you met Mario Lopez once and you talked to him about some stuff. Yep. And you wouldn't drop the whole Hollywood thing. He's been in Hollywood so long.

He can't drop the, hey, I'm Mario Lopez. How you doing? I'm like, dude, just talk like a normal. Chin was there. I thought we were going to get kicked out. I literally thought we were going to get kicked out. You were doing Access Hollywood? We filmed our show at his studio.

He was on Fire and the Bell. Or Blow the Bell. He was on Blow the Bell. But at his studio. He would only do it if we went to his studio. So we drive down the Bell? He was on Below the Bell. But at his studio. He would only do it if we went to his studio. So we drive down to Universal. We do it there.

Yeah, Chin was running all the audio and cameras. It got pretty heated. Yeah, I thought for sure. I'm not even joking. I thought we were going to get kicked out because they got really heated

about the Conor McGregor Floyd Mayweather boxing match. Did you think Mario Lopez was going to get was there a point where you think

this could get violent? Never. Right. No, I would slap A.C. Slater. But kicked out, yeah point where you think this could get violent? Never. Right. No, I would slap A.C. Slater. But kicked out, yeah. Could you imagine beating the shit out of A.C. Slater? How funny would that be if you just – I mean, kick the shit out – or if he caught you with a roundhouse kick and knocked you out.

Never. Yeah, but that would be – I would whoop his ass and keep yelling out, Zach Morris, for no reason. Just keep screaming it. Dude, if that ever happened – But I'm telling you, it went bad because when he went to sit down i said oh you're not gonna sit backwards like ac slater and it triggered him and then it didn't go well after that he got angry about that yeah i don't think he likes those so if i want although he did the

reboot which fucking sucks sucks right is he a little baby guy too he look is he a small petite man small hand you know handsome dude oh 100 handsome a lot of makeup on though yeah even for the podcast interesting interesting i look like a fuck you know i look like a freaking weathered worm next to him i'm excited to do it you know i mean that's what having a tv show does is at least it gets you on this type of press but the actual filming of the show blows dude five i'm just building for like is that a good career though i'm not hating mario lopez he's crushing it i mean if you want to be that guy a hundred like i'm basically the mario lopez of showtime like they use me like i'm him yeah yeah yeah a hundred percent mario lopez of

showtime yeah which is a good credit i mean that's where you're doing the AT&T Bud Light Limerita Center, but he's doing the actual AT&T Center. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But hey, I'm not doing anything. I don't even have AT&T. I have Verizon. Who's this pussy? This could be our absolutely electric spokesperson. Let's hear what he has to say.

Hey, Cats Nation. Hey, Brendan. Hey, Theo. Hey, Nick and Chin. I'm Tate Mullenberg. I play basketball at the University of Tampa. I'm originally from Iowa. I'm a small forward. With this new name and image likeness, you can now get sponsored or create your own brand, and I chose King of the Sting because it's my favorite podcast, and with my two favorite comedians, Brendan and Theo, I think I'd be a good athlete because I do have a mullet that's thrown in.

And also, I have the American flag sunburned into my back. Not all people have that. Gang, gang, buzz, buzz. No, you made it better. Just put on the HDMI. Oh, here we go. Now we're back in action. Lopez.

Lopez bodied up. This guy. Let me just see the end, Nick. Yeah, I want to see the end because I need to see if he does something. Because right now it just sounds like someone who has a traumatic brain injury trying to get through a sentence. Poor guy. What's tough is to be the first sponsored athlete and you're a white forward in Division I. Is University of Tampa even Division I?

Yeah. It is Division I? Yep. We sure? I'll look it up. Make sure Tampa's Division I. Okay. Because they're a football team.

And also, I have the American flag sunburned into my back. I love this kid again. I also like this kid. Buzz, buzz. I love him, dude. I wanted to see a little action, though. I want to see you play him. He's got some stuff for us. I got some more videos for him. Let me see. Let me see. Let me check his jumper. I wanted to see a little action, though. I want to see you play him. He's got some stuff for us.

I got some more videos for him. Let me see. Let me see. Let me check his jumper. Let me see if he can boof it. He's got to be. Because if you're going to be a white guy with a mullet, you got to be able to either you got to have a dope three or you got to be able to dunk on somebody.

You got to be the token white guy that shoots in the corner. Yeah, you can. I don't want to sponsor a guy that's like taking charges and doing the little things. No. Like, let's see what. Let's see if he's got skill, skill. I don't want to sponsor a guy who just plays defense. Oh, is this him?

Hey! There you go, T. That was a layup. That was a layup. That was a layup. Let's try it again. Let me see that again, because I was like, oh, if this guy windmills it. Yeah, I thought he was about to fucking hero minor this thing.

Hey! That's a layup, man. There you go, T. That's a layup. Listen, I can't speak for Theo, because I'm sitting in his place today. No, you have the power of attorney today for Theo. Okay. Then I say let's sponsor him.

What's the sponsor include? We'll just send him some Cats merch and he can rep us down in Tampa. But I love the idea of Cats athletes. Barstool is getting like every hot college athlete. So we have guys like. We're going to have the guys. Yeah. Yeah.

We had a lacrosse player reach out to me. Okay. That was serious. Now I see that one. Watch this one. This is an actual for real windows. Is this the same kid? Yeah.

This is the same kid. Okay. So now this kid, now he's proven that he can actually windmill dunk a basketball. Granted, it's in like, you know, it's just a little alley-oop, not in a game or anything. But I would feel comfortable representing a kid who can do it. Ooh, look at that. Who wants some? He's cute.

He's cute. He does look, yeah. Do we know his name? Let's look at his stats. Is he Muhlenberg or something? Is he a starter? Yeah. He can't be coming off the bench, Papa.

Listen. He transferred from a JUCO school and last year they only played a couple games at Tampa. Did he go off though? Does he have a statue at the university like my boy Chrissy D here? Is he in the Division 3 Hall of Fame? What's up? Let me ask you this.

Let me say this. I'm cool with sponsoring him. I am for our first sponsor but if we're going to continue to do this we're going to need some black guys it can't be all white kids with mileage if we're going to want to put a good team out there you're going to need to get some african americans out there yeah to kind of want to be sponsored by us as well because he's not going to cut it all i don't want to be that. The whole idea of, oh, we got a team of white guys. Let's see if they can win. It's nice on paper, but they lose big a lot.

Yes. So we're winners here, so we need some black guys to be on our basketball team. Can you name an all-white team? Not really these days. No, dude. Not in Division I. No, man. The last great all-white team was the one that Hitler put out.

Facts. Did you guys ever hear about Grinnell in Iowa? Grinnell? Dude, they score like 160 points a game. They just bomb threes. Do you have somebody from Grinnell want to be sponsored? No, but they're all white. They're all white, but they lose a lot, though.

Division three. Division three. But they are a team that I've been watching since I'm a kid because they score like 160 points a game. But they still lose? They lose all the time because they play absolutely no fucking defense it's like an all-star game no but their coach's philosophy because it's the one coach his philosophy is out shoot your opponent don't he doesn't even teach defense he's like we will all be three you have to be a fucking sniper to play for this team we

should probably be fired especially oh yeah winning game they do not win but yeah monmouth at grinnell 143 but they oh they won this one. But still, if you gave up 125 points. Dude, you scored 143 at D3? Yeah. Dude, it's not bad. They just literally jacked the weeks. Dude, right away, red flag.

Everybody's white on the court. Yeah. Except for the tall black feller. I would like, yeah. No, dude, anytime Grinnell plays a real basketball team, and when I mean a real basketball team, I mean three or four or mostly African-Americans. Even two. They lose by a hundred.

Yeah. Like, they lose by a hundred. Because it's all the token white guys. Teams have scored 200 points on them before, but they've scored 130, but they've given up to it because, I mean, it's just black guys. 84 points and a half. Dude, you have to see, and when they get dunked on, these guys get fucking teabagged by, like, actual athletes. It's hilarious.

It's hot out here, Daddy. Oh, put a needle in your arm, huh? Or get a liquid IV. Yeah, when it hits that 110 out here in the valley, dude. Oh, shooting up won't do anything for you. But drinking up will. With liquid IV, man. Get that sipper, baby.

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They told me to come back next week. Can't have that, man. People are waiting for their packages. Maybe it's this past weekend merch, whatever it is. You got to get it out. You got to trust them, man. That's why ShipStation is the number one choice of online sellers. That's it.

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Just use the offer code K-A-T-S to get a 60-day free trial. That's two free months to ship ship your face off dude make your face to your fat friend yeah just go to shipstation.com click on the microphone at the top of the home page type in cats that shipstation.com enter the offer code kats make ship happen yeah yeah no they make the Division III finals once in a while. Should we start sponsoring WNBA players? They need money. Babe, do you realize that WNBA, like the highest, I Googled this the other day, the highest

paid player in the WNBA. It's like 400K? No, I saw they make like $100,000 a year. That's the market value, though. What do you want us to do? We have business to run. So what do you think, I mean, do they have, like, what do they do? Do they have only fans in the offseason?

100K, but they're not like, well, if you're LA Spark, you're fucked with 100K in LA. But if you're in, like, Iowa. If you're playing for the Indiana Fever. Yeah, you're bummed. Yeah, I like that. Tampa Bay's D2. D2, okay. Listen, division, I like this kid.

He's got a fun white mullet. He can dunk. I like him as a first sponsor athlete. Again. As the first guy to sign on Cats. Now that we're saying. First team all Cats. Yeah.

Now that we're saying, though, that this is what we're doing here at the Cats show, I'd like to really get some actual black athletes. Yes. Because I just want to be in the game. Unless we're playing lacrosse, then we're going to stick with white. Then we'll want to go white. doing here at the cat show i'd like to really get some actual you know black athletes yes that because i just want to be unless we're playing lacrosse and we're gonna stick with white then we want to go white but yeah i i he was the first one i love that he he went for it i think we should say yes but yeah send in more highlight reels yes uh more athletes let's see what you got yeah why and what what you're gonna do for the cat's brand to push us yeah these kids want hard cash son who who's to get the tattoo? Here's the thing.

We sponsor MMA fighter. He gets a tattoo on his back. Now, if you play for Team Cats, if you're a basketball player playing for Team Cats, are you going to sponsor them with Velcro sneakers? What are they going to hit the hardwood at? Those kids need cash, dog. They need cash, right? Yeah, they got to buy food for after the game and shit, drinks for their friends.

So wait, so this whole college athlete thing means like, let's take a Zion Williamson type. Let's say he was coming into Duke this year. So he would be making, like Nike would give him millions of dollars to play? It's only endorsement. No, there's no cap. It's only endorsement. So they can't use the name and likeness of the school.

So he can't have a picture of him in a duke jersey holding a gatorade it'd just be a picture of him in like normal clothes but i'm saying gatorade could give him 25 million dollars for that so that's what i'm saying so we're entering a phase now where the college athletes the freshmen and sophomores who are absolute studs let's stay with basketball going to the nba are going to be multi-millionaires at 19 20 years old they are already though we this has been going on for the longest they're just not going to be fucking canceled over it you know i'm saying oh so you're saying zion williamson you're one of two you've already had millions of dollars he got paid it was all like just illegal 100 okay

i wasn't now it's legal now it's just out in the open but now it's like that that girl from lsu the gymnast she's gonna make the most money now it's like that girl from LSU, the gymnast, she's going to make the most money. Like she's this hot girl. She has like a million followers on Instagram and TikTok. Like she'll make the most money. Oh, well, now I know like at least like with recruiting out of high school, like now all of the basketball players who get recruited in high school, they all like have huge followings on social media.

If you don't have a big social media, you don't get looked at. It's the same like in entertainment. Like you have to have a social media presence so you must stand up stand up our guy taylor uh yeah he doesn't have much of a social media presence he has seven posts on instagram and he's on private that's a problem uh but here's something to think about chrissy d so we we both have kids so let's say your kid uh is uh you have a boy or just two? Two girls. Two girls and a stepson. Okay. So we'll keep it with your blood-related one. Yes.

So your two girls. So let's say your oldest has, she's a baller. Okay. Baller and volleyball or whatever the fuck she's playing. Okay. And she has, Jesus Christ, and she has all these offers. Is this the LSU girl? Yep.

Yummy, yummy. She doesn't get paid. Yes. So she has all these offers from schools, right? Texas, Florida, California, freaking LSU, USC, UCLA. And she's a looker, right? Is she 18? Yeah.

Yeah, she's 18. She's 18? Yeah. Okay. So she's going to go to one of these schools. And let's say Gatorade or whoever offered a million dollars. She goes to school at USC. The state's going to take half of that. If she goes to school at USC, the state's going to take half of that.

If she goes to school in Florida or Texas, the state's not going to touch it. You've got to pay federal, but not state taxes. Right. So most of the recruits are going to end up going to Texas, Arizona, Florida, because they don't want half their shit to go away. So you're saying, what would I do? Wouldn't you tell your daughter, like, yo, keep all your money and go to fucking Florida? Oh, 100%.

Like, who's going to go to SC or ucla now or stanford no dude yeah no especially if you're like getting real big time endorsement money you're not going there no yeah dude no yeah the state half your fucking money a hundred percent dude i would tell her to go to school in florida because that's probably where her mother will be in prison true so yeah california's gonna be fucked dude yeah yeah oh yeah, dude. California, there's no – I mean, look, dude. I live in New York, so it's like we have the same tax issue, whatever. Your shirt says Miami, though. It does say – well, I do it for Mary Lopez.

This is a Mary Lopez-inspired shirt. And you want to talk because you wear the Bill shirts, which I love. I'm wearing the Roosevelt's Kuniflex, they're called. This is another one that hides the fat in the nipples. This is another one that fucking shrinks it in It's like wearing Spanx on your chest Yeah I'll let you try it on

Yeah face of a cop Body of a lunch lady 100% lunch lady ass Yes I was doing well The last time I came on King this thing I was really doing well

But it just went off the rails Why No gym No exercise Because it's fucking True TV shows Mentally ruining my life And then you're out

Of Kraft foods I'm all that dude Yeah I'm all that And I'm just depressed You're tired Sitting I'm like oh I like oh i'll get in an out burger i'll eat in a lettuce wrap and then i eat in a lettuce wrap and i eat three orders of animal fries yeah but have a diet coke yeah so in your mind you feel good in my mind i'm like i'm just not eating bread yeah ice cream don't have bread yeah you know like so um yeah but new york man you know it's the same problem.

But my thing is, is, like, all our friends who, like, move to, like, Austin or whatever, like. They're miserable. Besides Rogan, they're miserable. So that's the thing is, like. Rogan could live in Iraq with his money. He'd have a fantastic time. He should live in Iraq with his money. Well, he could. And he'd be, hey, everyone, it's great down here.

It's like, yeah, but we don't have a billion dollars. Dude, could you imagine Saddam Hussein on the Joe Rogan show? Yeah, I can. It'd be awesome. How great would that be? Just him talking to Hussein. I would love it, dude. If everybody has to come to Austin, we're like, yeah, but we don't have a billion dollars to play along with.

I know. I know. Well, that's the thing. But people move back because I get the other – and I love other parts of the country. But it's tough to live if you're an entertainment or an athlete. You don't want to live in these other places. You to live in the coastal there's an energy here there's an energy here that you have to kind of live around business will always be here yeah you have to so i get that there's no taxes in this state or that state but then it's like you know

i think it evens out actually how so because you're not going to get the same opportunities right so then you're not going to make that income opportunities. So then you're not going to make that income. So then the money you save by moving there, you don't have those opportunities anymore. So you're basically breaking even. You're not living in L.A. or New York. Yeah, that's true. I know. I know. I don't know.

I guess these, I guess like, you know, my kid though. Yeah. Well, let's see. Hopefully she wants to go. I don't even, by the time she's 18, by the time both our kids are 18, dude, college may be an obsolete thing that people are like, why would we spend, why would we send our children to college it does genuinely nothing for them agree that's a very big possibility like in just 10 12 years it could be like no that's a dumb thing to do yeah it's out what's this thing return of my aunt oh oh shit there we go what up can you miss things

this is nella from nashville i gotta find my aunt for you this is Yetta she is from North Carolina she currently still lives with my grandmother in North Carolina in their childhood home so she's really grown up a lot and she has a bunch of hobbies she likes gardening she likes cooking she likes drunk texting me late at night asking for photos of my daughter and substitute teaching, I think. And, yeah, she is single right now, but her signature move is getting with, like, fat guys that have a lot of money and then right as they're going to propose, she fucking ends it, moves on to the next guy. So that's awesome as well. She's super fucking funny.

She used to make fun of me and call me fat when i was little and it wasn't traumatizing and yeah dude brendan i saw you at zany's in that last photo that you'll see here you dress like my super gay dad does which is fucking sick and i feel at home when i'm with you and gang but fuck that is what i was wearing in nashville this kid is legitimately funny like that kid is legitimately funny kid you've seen him before he's setting videos before this i don't think so he's like legitimately like a funny kid yeah and he was like let me know if this isn't good enough i was like this is the best you should do comedy man like he gets it yeah he's great yeah dude that dude, that's hilarious. Your dad's awesome, by the way.

Oh, dude. Dude, like, that's like a guy that I know. His dad, like, left the family for, like, three, four months and came back and fully, like, was trans. Like, fully went to Thailand and didn't say anything. And the mother had known, but the father had asked the mother, like, please don't tell the children. I want to tell them. I want to tell them. I want to tell them. And he said, like, literally, dude, it's a friend.

Dave came back as Donna. Yeah, he's a stand up comedian. Actually, this kid, Lance, and he barely talks about it. He's talked about on podcast. I'm not saying anything that's private, but he was like, yeah, I opened the door. Like, I literally opened the door, like, with a baseball glove on because mom said dad was coming home from the airport. And I opened up and he was he looked like my mom. Like, he had full tits hair like he had fully transitioned surgery and was like and he

was like i want to play baseball with you and his dad was like we could still play baseball and he was like no we can't he's like no i can't i can't play baseball with you anymore but i was like dude what a mind fuck i feel like the dad i feel like the dad went about it all wrong. Give the kid a heads up, dude. Oh, my God. Dude, if my dad ever went trans, you have to see. Dude, my father is one of the. Is there an uglier guy than my father? No. Yeah, right?

He's got that lazy eye. Oh, he has a fucked up eye. Oh, yeah. Can we pull up a picture? See if you can pull up a picture of Tony DiStefano just up. So I don't know. Tony, he might be because we put him on our podcast. Did he get the fucked up eye from prison? Dude, I don't even fucking know at all. I don't know if tony he might be because we put him on our podcast so you get the fucked up eye from uh prison dude i don't even fucking know at all i don't i is that is that him no no no that's

not him is your dad a whole coke put on put on go to my instagram go to my instagram there's a there there's a video of the thumbnail of him at least um no my dad yeah yeah he's just one of those guys like and it's one of those things where like my mom's like harvey weinstein yeah my mom was like, as soon as I was pregnant, she was like, what am I doing? Why did I have a child with this man? First question would be, why did I have sex with this fucking warlock? How did I have sex with this guy? Look at this guy. Oh, wow.

Yeah. It was funny. In this interview, my dad, Pimp, just asked him, he goes, so when did you think your son was probably gay? And my dad just goes, wow. Yeah. It was funny. In this interview, my dad, like Pimp, just asked him, he goes, so when did you think your son was probably gay? And my dad just goes, seven. He just immediately, like he didn't even take a beat. He goes, seven. He just looked at the camera. He lost $100 because he bet that I was going to be a girl.

It's a true story. Well, I'm pretty much, I should have won because you are gay. I was born tucked back. Your dad looked like a non-keto Larry Bird. Was there ever a time you were actually worried he was gay? Chris was you are gayish. I was born tucked back. Your dad looked like a non-keto Larry Bear. Was there ever a time you were actually worried he was gay? Chris was gay? Of course.

What was the first age where you were like, uh... Seven. When I was seven, and also when I was seven, he was ready to go. Yeah, ready to go, dude. Seven. Yeah, he was fucking my dad. No, me and my dad have a great relationship, dude.

I love it. That's my dad. That's him. The stapler? a great relationship, dude. It's true. It's my dad. That's him. The stapler? The stapler, dude. Yeah. I was on Lipitor when I was seven. Yeah, dude.

The thing is, too, with my family now, with this Chrissy Kass podcast, dude, my dad, Jasmine, fucking T.T. Jerry, Jasmine's transgender uncle, these people are legitimately characters on my show. But I never put them on. I put T.T. Jerry on camera and my dad once in a while. But Jasmine stays off. But I kind of feel like with my podcast, I kind of feel like we're doing a mini reality show.

I was just going to say. In a way. It's a TV show. It's a little bit of a reality show. And you've gone full Hollywood now. And you're pitching a TV show. And I appreciate it. But you could definitely do a TV show. It's a little bit of a reality show. And you've gone full Hollywood now, and you're pitching a TV show, and I appreciate it, but you could definitely do a TV show. Would you like to be involved?

I don't know why I'd play in that. What about- I'd be like a guy that delivers your fucking sandwiches or something. Dude, how funny is this? One of the- Well, I don't know if you'll see a picture of Homeless Pimp. Maybe you guys will put it up in the episode, but one of my friends- He's on camera.

Oh, he's on camera. Okay. One of my friends, my friend Jillill shout out jill she wanted to hook one of her friends up her friend was just recently single and you and i had done like a little youtube thing and i had put like film by the homeless pimp but she thought you were the homeless pimp so she texted and she was like texting me and jasmine she was like oh i didn't know homeless pimp was a hottie like that and i was like yeah i guess i was like i guess if that's what you're into i guess if yeah if that's if that's what you're into man but uh sure i was like i was like yeah i'll make it happen yeah and then

she goes oh my god that's fantastic whatever and then i was like literally is like going through the channels with her friends and got jasmine my girlfriend like on the line it was like and then jasmine's like yeah i know he's cute like he's definitely cute but she was like danielle because danielle is like danielle is you know like hot you know like girl like yeah whatever and she was like she was like no she's like listen she was like jasmine was like let me be clear homeless is very cute she's like you're saying like drop dead gorgeous and she's like you know he's very cute she was like and he's a nice guy and she's like i don't know what your friend wants to be involved you know whatever i don't know but then like literally like as the days go on she's like all right we're gonna set this thing up she goes let me just send me like a like one more picture of him because like she's

looked through all the pictures on his instagram already so i sent her a picture of homeless pimp from my instagram she goes who's that and i was like that's the homeless pimp and she calls me dying laughing she goes i thought brendan shabb was the homeless man i was like bro i would have paid any amount of money to like let me borrow your camera me film you show up to this date with this girl and then just the let's get her reaction could you imagine brendan you think you're going to deal with brendan chav and it's the homeless pimp honestly dude i'm telling that story and i bet you women right here right now are like i'd rather go out with the homeless pimp i bet you there's women in this world that think

you're harder than brian shop for sure 100 percent dude everyone has their type man he's cute look at behind his glass he's a cute kid yeah he's got a cute face i mean but but don't you struggle with your pronouns or some shit um yeah it depends on the day no that could be tough no here's here's what's good about him he's 29 years old so he's just on the cusp of like that like you know they them thing stuff so he understands it all but he also went to an all-boy catholic school and from whitestone queens one of the most racist neighborhoods in the world so he kind of has that tough guy upbringing but with the understanding of the they them gen so he's perfect actually because he does he. It's a good mix. Because he's not like that, but he gets it. And he knows when I go too far, he's like, hey, you got to pull that back.

Is the Daniela girl Latin? No, she's like Asian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was the funniest thing. I mean, I still sometimes am up at night laughing about if I would love to have been there and just watched. She's like, what the fuck are you doing? And I would have told you, dude, wear your best corduroys. Wear your fucking adult swim shirt.

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It actually came in before the announcement of Tyson Fury having COVID, though. Ooh, I didn't even know that. What's up, guys? Been a fan for a long time. My name's Mike from Wisconsin, and I got a debate club for you guys. Which fight are you more excited for, the Wilder fight or the Hasbulla fight? I got to go with Hasbulla just because he's the cutest little thing I've seen. He's the little Khabib've seen. I don't.

He's the little Khabib. All my days. He's like 18, but he has like a condition. He's the cutest thing I've ever seen, I would say. He sits on Khabib's lap. Oh, but also he's joking. Who's Hasbulla fighting then? He's fighting another kid with the same condition.

But he's Hasbulla. One more thing. I want to shout out Milwaukee and the Bucks. Hopefully the playoffs are still going on when this airs. Go Suns and Six. But this is a question. This is a syndrome, right? They're not children.

No. He's like 18, right? But he's like the hottest thing in MMA social media because when he first started having videos go viral, people thought he was a child. And he was with Khabib. Can he legitimately fight, though? No.

Like, you can't. Absolutely not. He's just like, I can do it. But I don't think so. I mean, they're from Dagestan, so it's fucking what they do. But yeah, they were beefing over, like, acting not right during Ramadan, and someone's trying to put a fight on between those two.

Yeah, and Khabib. Khabib, what country is Khabib from again? Dagestan. Because he's from the country. I watched an HBO thing where their leader is so— If you're gay, they kill you. That's the thing. It's like, how come people don't talk about that country?

Why is it always like the United States? What are you going to do, though? What do you mean? That's what they do over there. That's what they do we can't control that no but it's like go to russia and tell them to be cool to the journalists yeah that's my thing yeah razman khodriov he has his own mma league like it's a tough would you go fight in that league or no absolutely not no no even i'm too gay for them yeah oh my god my jeans are too tight you know dude they would execute me man i know that because those guys like they're like the best fighters though because they really grow up take over mma yeah because they grow up in the shit doing it yeah they grow up wrestling

at like two right like grizzly bears and shit yeah dude i know they're gonna take over i'll watch this husband of fight though where can i get it over wilder fury though no i like well yeah well first of all i don't even know fury at covid is he out is the fight out yeah it's postponed to october does he have covid covid he just popped his team has covid and he has like he's legit that's what they say a lot but a lot of fighters and i'm not saying this but a lot of fighters are saying that to give him more time interesting you know what i'm saying papa kobe because he doesn't look great in the in the posts in the press conferences and stuff so if you want more time she's like yo we all test positive dude dude wilder is one of those guys though like he can like legitimately kill

someone in the ring if like he you've seen him and fury fight the two times yeah that's the one fury got like the undertaker when he thought he was unconscious and popped up and then the second time beat the shit out of him but fewer but i mean, getting punched in the face by Dante Wilder has to really suck. Insane. It has to really suck. The better question, you can add that kid into Hezbollah, but the better question would be,

are you more excited for Fury Wilder or Woodley Jake Paul? Ooh, yeah, Woodley Jake Paul. Did you see the press conference? I didn't. Was it good? Yeah. It's just tough. I've heard boxing people, like, Woodley, Jake Paul. Did you see the press conference? I didn't. Was it good? Yeah. It's just tough. But I've heard boxing people, like, you know, boxing professionals say that Jake Paul can

actually box. His skills, yeah. They say he actually has, like, legitimate skills. We'll really find out against Woodley. Woodley can fucking fight. Woodley's a real boxer. Yes. He's been boxing at wild cards since 2006.

He's a born boxer like he's a professional wrestler but yeah but but i'm but what could the hall of famer but like okay but like jake paul can box but like could jake paul fight a for real professional boxer no that's just not not yet but also he's just not like in in a in you give him more time he could what he's doing at his level right now is impressive no i'm very impressed by him too but again i think the woodley fight's gonna be tough for him so if you put like jake paul against like ryan garcia he'd get hurt bad very bad ryan garcia would hurt him very badly destroy him yeah got it but he only has three fights but is it a weight class thing too like like you know at that level not at that at that level it's just like you're if you're a better boxer a better especially

ryan garcia is young and can fucking box, dude. Right. Like that's what he does. Right. It's like saying how would Jake Paul do opening up for you? Okay, but let me say this. Let me say this. How would Jake Paul do opening up for you?

Imagine he fucking blew you off the stage. Oh, my God. I would be dying in the back. Nothing's funnier to a comic than when another comic just fucking goes out there and eats one. Oh, eats shit? Yeah. Well, dude, literally. As a comic. Oh another comic just fucking goes out there and eats one they all eat shit yeah well dude literally as a common bombs yeah yeah bombs we're all laughing in the back dude there couldn't be anything worse oh it dude getting knocked out it's fucking terrible and it's embarrassing no but bomb it sucks when you know you're bombing yeah you still have like if especially if it's your show you have an hour and you're 20 minutes in

and it's eating dick you're like I got 40 more minutes of this or like in New York when you sit in the back of the comedy cellar and it's like

somebody's just you know you're just sitting there watching somebody starts eating and you can just tell they just start to sweat and you just know their back

is just getting hotter and hotter and they're like so where are you from it was weird today I'm like you're fucking bombing you stink you're ass I was weird today. I'm like, you're fucking bombing. You stink.

You're assholes like this. Oh, dude. You want to quit. Let me ask you this, though. As in, because boxing is one thing, but weight wise is a big thing in MMA. Are you confident right now? Because you outweigh him so much. Let's say Conor McGregor healthy. You would just beat the piss out of Conor McGregor.

Me? Because you outweigh him by so many pounds. Yeah, but I also fought professionally at a high level. That's what I'm saying, but you haven't fought in a few years. It doesn't matter. I'm a black belt in jiu-jitsu. I'll take him down and choke him out.

Ooh. Who's horny? Send that clip to your girl. Yeah. So, he's a black belt in jiu-jitsu. He used to fight professionally. Here's the homeless pimp showing up with corduroys and new balances on dude and connor now has a broken leg so i think

yeah you know i'm saying if connor was healthy because because with boxing like first of all like you know because like like weight classes like like let's say like in boxing like tyson fury versus canelo canelo is going to get killed yes because i Fury's the best of the best at heavyweight and has all the skills as a Canelo can beat up a low-level professional heavyweight for sure. For sure. Okay. Okay. I'm just wondering.

I wasn't sure. But not like a professional heavyweight, like middle of the road middleweight? Or I'm sorry, heavyweight? No. Right. Got it. Who would you have for Jake Paul, Conor McGregor? Who do you think would win that boxing match?

Dude, with those headphones on, you look like Warren from Something About Mary. I thought you were going to go Franks and Beads. Franks and Beads! Franks and Beads! All right. What was your question? Fucking RiRi? Those are spot on.

Did he bring those or are those ours? They're mine. What are you doing? Do you want a baseball? Did you want a baseball? Franken-beads. Franken-beads. What's this handsome devil look like?

Dude, this looks like me if I was in the Confederacy. This looks like the homeless pimp who got a shit together. What's up, King and the Sting? It's Aaron from Lincoln, Nebraska. I got a king in her stinger for you guys. Shoeys. If you don't know what it is, you pour the beer in the shoe

and you spit in it and chug it. Personally, not a fan, but wanted to see what you guys think. I'll let this guy show you how to do it. Chin. Gang, gang, buzz, buzz. It's on your Instagram. Bring up the one the I did a

shoeie I was gonna say somebody did a shoeie the guy of all shoeies fucking Ty Tua Voss I did it I did he came on my show and we did a shoeie and so you lost a bet or something right no I just did it because it's Ty Tua Voss I fucking love the dude and he's known for shoeies so I was like I'll do a shoeie with you

and I had a brand new shoe that Reebok sent I'm like let's use this on more than shoe so you put what I didn't know this I thought you just poured the beer in the shoe and drink it well you don't everybody has to fucking spit in it and they just don't spit they fucking spit so you had to drink these dudes spit yeah like Oh man, that's... So he does it, we all kind of spit in it. Take the name for it. What is wrong with people? Like what's the point of adding the spit? I told you don't like IPA. It's a bonding thing.

I told you! I don't like IPA either. Chris, do you know? You don't get this? Patreon.com says Chris D. comedy. Oh my goodness. You didn't spit in it. Alright.

Oh, you drink your own spit. It's all three of us. I got shows. Go hard. Go hard. Do I say anything? Let's go. Yeah.

Yeah. Dude. How gross was that? Disgusting. Oh, you, how gross was that? Disgusting. Oh, you did this years ago? Yes. Oh, my God, dude. How to drink a shooey.

Here's a Cats fan. This was just this Saturday. Because he won. The guy, Taito Iwasa, the guy Brenda did it with, was on the card with Tom. He's going for this. How did he think of this? What's the point of spitting it out? It's what they do in New Zealand. Oh, New Zealand. Okay, he's from for this. How did he think of this? What's the point of spitting it out? New Zealand.

Oh, New Zealand. Okay, he's from New Zealand. Okay. Okay. Anybody want to try one? I'll do one. No, I can't do it. I can't.

I have O'Doul's. I can't. I can't. I can't do it. It's fair. No, no, no. I can't. I would do it. I can't.

I genuinely can't. Not this time. Because I can't. With spitting all that, I just can't do it. I would. If I was doing Mario Lopez, I would have did it. But I can't. I genuinely can't. Not this time. Because I can't. With spit and all that, I just can't do it. I would. If I was doing Mario Lopez, I would have did it. But I can't do it. I can't.

I can't. I can't. No, because I can't fuck up my shirt. Dude, I got Mario Lopez. I can't do it. There's no way. I can't. I can't drink the spit.

Also, I can't do it. I also, I have COVID. You got the Delta? I have the Delta variant. I have COVID. The pimp's not vaccinated. Whoa. Real beer or old duels?

Real beer. Dude. Oh, what? God, whose shoes did you steal from a lunch lady? No, dude. These things are a piece of shit. No, dude. I was going to say, dude.

Yeah, dude. Dude, these are Nick's new shoes. They didn't have Velcro, so I figured I'd give them to the show. Get the laces out of there. Go ahead. Anybody want to step up and do it with him? Homeless pimp? Chin?

Of course I do. Homeless pimp? Freaky folks. Nah. Nah, I'm good. Are you sure? Come on. I'll do it.

Nah, dude. I'm not good. I knew you'd come around. All right, fine. I'll do it. I'll let you guys spit in my mouth. Fine. I'll freaking do it. Nah, dude. I'm not kidding. I knew you'd come around. All right, fine. I'll do it. Yes. I'll let you guys spit in my mouth. Fine. I'll freaking do it.

Absolutely. There we go. Nick. Wow. These are pretty sweet. I mean. This is amazing, dude. Oh, my God.

I feel like. Could you imagine? I haven't had a beer in years. Really? No. What are you drinking? Whiskey. Oh.

I'm sorry. Whiskey, dude. All right. So now what? Now what? Do something. I'm just a sorry. Whiskey, dude. All right. So now what? Now what? Do something. We drink them. You have to spit in it, though?

That's the point of it? Nah, man. I'll spit my own spit. Just spit in your own since we're all in separate rooms. COVID. Yeah, COVID. Cheers, boys. Cheers.

Absolutely, man. Bubbles. Here it is. Ready to go? Yep. Let's shoot. boys cheers absolutely man bubbles here it is ready to go oh what the fuck is this dude give me another show hear me lit for Mario Lopez. Dude, I'm fucking trying to fuck him. Chris is never going to want to come on the show again. We make him fucking do something.

You made me drink out of a shoe. You made me eat the Asian fish. Suck the fish dick. Yeah, dude. That fish was disgusting. Disgusting, dude. Disgusting. That shoe.

Yeah, I mean, drinking out of that shoe. That actually wasn't the worst thing. Size 10? It's a clean shoe. You're supposed to do it with your shoe. But, you know, drinking out of that shoe, actually wasn't the worst thing. Size 10? It's a clean shoe. You're supposed to do it with your shoe, but, you know. There's something in my shoe. You used your own shoe? No, there was something in my shoe.

Oh, that's hilarious. There's something in your shoe? Yeah, it fell in my mouth. I had to spit it out. What was it? Like something black and long. Black and long? Chin, where are you coming from?

Oh, my God. What shoe did you get? I don't know what's going on. Chin. Oh, man. All right, we did get? I don't know what's going on. Chin. Oh, man. All right, we did shoeies. That was nice. That was nice.

Honestly, dude, honestly. You're going to have two hours of sleep. That felt nice. Every time I have a beer before like 10 a.m., I love it so much. I genuinely think I am an alcoholic. I'm just keeping it at bay. Like I'm genuinely keeping it at bay with sweets. Oh, I'm an addict.

Because I get addicted to sweets. I eat sweets and bad food. But if I start to get in shape and eliminate those, I think I might go for the brewskis. I'm with you. Yeah, dude. In the pandemic, I was a straight up bonafide alcoholic. Honey, why did you only sleep two hours, though? What's going on, dad?

I couldn't sleep, dad. Why? I couldn't. You're stressed. Yes. Well, it's just anxiety from the studio shit. From the new studio. Yeah.

What was the bad move? I don't think so. I think it worked out. And just sit there and say nothing? It was a bad move. So what do we got over here, Nick? This guy's got King of the Earth's ticket for us. I think you guys can relate to it.

Dude, this guy. Yeah. This guy's going to do some shit. He just looks like he was looting. What's up, Brennan and Theo? Cat. Chappelle. He looks like a was looting. What's up, Brennan and Theo? Cat. Chappelle. He looks like a cop.

Nick. He does. Also from Wisconsin. He looks like he turns off the body cam when he farts. Got to watch shapes all day long. But it's worth it because look at how cute this kid is. Jack, can you say one thing for me? One thing. Gang, can you say one thing for me? One thing.

Gang, gang, buzz, buzz. Gang, gang, buzz, buzz. Right on, brother. So cute. Hilarious. Imagine how funny. What? Can you say one thing for me?

He just was like, Trump 2024. Or he's like. He's all, no, no, no, no, no. Cue it on. Drops an N-bomb. He's like, no, no, no, no, no. Edit this. That kid.

Yeah, dude. I get that. Well, you know. I mean, all the little kid stuff. We got to watch. I mean, that's like no i'll edit this that kid yeah dude i get that well you know i mean all the little kid stuff we gotta watch i mean that's cute you know my kid they they i mean uh my son boston is one and a half he's into like uh the fucking trucks like anything with trucks yeah but uh really his number one thing is uh like doja cat music videos he loves doja cat yeah interesting i always knuckle him up i'm like hell yeah hell yeah dude you like yeah it might be bad parenting but whatever yeah but my kids my kids i know dude

my kid is obsessed with watching well she was now she's a little older but she was obsessed with watching cartoons on youtube in russian she would watch them in russian all the time yeah my son tiger will watch it in fucking chinese yeah she just i think because they think like the language is like so different than ours and they think it's like funny. They think it's like a made up language or something, which it is because the only real language

is American. Have you, have you gone, yeah, hashtag America. Hashtag America. Have you started doing like parent dates,

like daddy dates because your daughter played with somebody's kid and then the parents come over? Yeah. It's like a blind date. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a blind date.

You have to do that. Dads. Oh yeah, dude. No, I know. Weird, dude. But I'm moving. Just random strangers in your house. Yeah, and. It's a blind date. You have to do that. Oh, yeah, dude. It's fucking weird, dude. But I'm moving. It's random strangers in your house. Yeah, and you just listen to some fucking dad startup.

And then you just, you know, he's like listening to it. He's like, are you going to put this in your skit? No, stupid. Shut your fucking mouth. Yeah. I'm not going to put it in my skit. Well, you know, that's funny. Use that on stage.

I'm like, thanks, dude. Are you going to use that on stage? Is that what you're going to do? Shut up, dude. Yeah, pitch me your app again. I'm going to use that on stage? Is that what you're going to do? Shut up, dude. Yeah, piss me your app again. I want to fucking drown you in my toilet bowl with your dumb kid who looks like he's right on the brink of autism.

This guy's got a kicker of singing. Oh, my God. This guy also has a felony. I was going to say, dude, this guy does not have a home. What's going on, motherfuckers? Oh my god! I love this guy! What's going on, motherfuckers?

Got a caner stinging for you. Acting confident when deep down you're really just a scared beta that needs a good friend. Alright, hit me back. Okay, so he was looking in the mirror. So give me another Heineken. Oh wow, daddy's... Daddy has more shows today. All right, hit me back. Okay, so he was looking in the mirror. So give me another Heineken. Yeah. Oh, wow.

Daddy's. Woo. Daddy has more shows today. Daddy's. Wow. Honey, buddy. Have you had breakfast, bud? No.

Oh, my goodness gracious. I don't need breakfast. Are we skipping the gym today? Well, I have to. We're starting so early. Oh, my God. What is Chappelle going to think? He's all right. He has a head cold.

Oh, does he have a head cold? Is a head covid no you sure no you know the delta chin if you end up not being able i'm good brother thank you i gotta be ready for mary lopez thanks we'll be good when you see this uh heineken forever absolutely i used to get bombed on firing the kid off whiskey good do it i know i gotta stop we've been drinking too much. Me and Pimp have been going out drinking almost every night. Really? At the Garland Hotel. Will you drink some whiskey with me on Saturday shows?

Yes. Oh, yeah. I'll bring the Thick Tiger whiskey. Hey, what's up, King and the Sting? Nate out here from Washington State. I've got a debate club for you guys. So, if you guys rather get tased, I'd rather get pepper sprayed. I've had to do both.

I had to get certified with both for my department. Yeah, he's a cop for sure. Taser's not bad. It's five seconds of riding the lightning. Yeah. Once it's done, it's done. Pepper spray that burns like no other. It's the worst for me.

He's definitely a cop. Oh, yeah. He definitely let some of those people into the the capital right 100 he definitely raided the capital but went to the kitchen first listen i gotta be honest with you you know the the the capital storming thing it was one of those things where like i had a good time you know like it was i was the media makes it look like one thing but we were just there for our country yep doing another thing you know and it's like i know people get on everybody like oh you stormed the capital it's

like i didn't storm the capital was i there in washington dc on that date with other friends of mine who you know think that we have a problem in this country yes i was yeah but i didn't go inside the capital i did go inside the capital they let you in they let me basically went on a tour of the capital i went on a tour of the i was going you just went to the lunchroom first i was jogging that morning and then all of a sudden i said who are these people maybe there's a flea market and then i went and yes did i have an a weapon and q9 flag and all that things but you it the the coincidence the country's been in disarray since biden's been president it's very violent time so i have to stay strapped

yeah and i did have a decent time at the uh at the at the cap if that is your thing it did look fun it was fun right yeah the lady got shot in the window but before that it was can you imagine i got two words for you being that fucking lady out of the people, you were the one dumbass who got shot in the fucking neck. I know, dude. And how about she gets shot, they go, oh, shit, and then just keep going. Keep going. Well, false flag. That's all I'll say.

I think I fucked up Chris's joke by making it too dark. Nick, you can never make it too dark for me. That's good to know. What are the two words that you have for me? You said you got two words for me. That was false flag. I was saying false flag. I got two words for you have for me You said you got two words for me That was false flag I was saying false flag I got two words for false flag Pepper spray or taser

You ever been pepper sprayed I've never been pepper sprayed It's the worst I've had Jasmine has thrown adobo In my face What You guys want to try it

I'm just kidding Like taser or pepper spray No I got I got hit in the I got hit in the face With a piece of chicken From Jasmine

That had like adobo And sasson on it And that was in my eyes Like a little sriracha Dude that had like adobo and sasson on it. And that was in my eyes. Like a little sriracha or something? Dude, that hurt like a Puerto Rican spicy chicken to the face because I was DMing people I wasn't supposed to DM. Yeah, I've been there. So I got that in the eyes.

I got that in the eyes bad. And that, I would think, I'm sure pepper spray is even worse. But a taser kind of actually, in a way, looks like a fun little way to come. I don't know. You ever seen when they tase the cops and they like shit their pants? But my point is, is like, I'd rather have that. I'd rather go through that like a quick violent shake where you shit your pants and maybe come. Pepper spray is an all day thing.

That's what I'm saying. Dude, my dad, we're at my grandpa's house. Rest in peace. We're at my grandpa's house. My dad goes, oh, look, pepper spray. He goes, I wonder if things still worked. Me and my brother, I'm like eight. We're standing behind my dad. He goes, guys stand back but there's a wind and he goes

let's see if it works and he sprays it and of course it fucking works dad and it fucking sprays out like this thick fog of pepper spray sprays out and the wind goes cool story boom right in the face to you or to your dad to me i was eight what did it feel like oh dude dude really awful my dad for whatever reason was pouring milk over my eyes milk yeah yeah that's like some somehow the the uh it's the cure for that battles the acidity it's fucking that's why they take it with hot wings and shit it hurts so bad got it hot wings i'm gonna go taser all day yeah i would go taser all day i would go taser taser all day yeah i don't i don'ter all day. I would go taser, taser all day. Yeah, I don't want to get that.

So you know, my father-in-law was a cop for 30 years. He was saying there's certain people like- What a pig! Yeah, especially bigger dudes, that the taser doesn't work. What do you mean? Some people, for whatever reason, the taser- Like they're too jacked? They might be too jacked or for whatever reason their body

it doesn't work for them like it doesn't so it does genuinely nothing does not work on them so he's like a big dude we run on they hit him with a taser and he's just like laughing pulling it off dude they're a cop you're shitting your pants there i remember it looks like the fucking mountain from game of thrones yeah and the taser doesn't work. Dude, I read this book called The Nazi Symbiosis. It was about like why, how the dude, it's a little light reading. Take it easy, Papa. It was but it was about how the Nazis became the Nazis and what their mindset was with like the Holocaust and all that. And one of the parts of the thing in the Holocaust, what they would do is they figured out the Nazi scientists figured out, obviously, through torture and horrible things that the thing that gets like excreted secreted from like your brain is substance p or something like that when you call when causes pain so they were trying to make like eliminate substance p and like do tests on their nazi soldiers to like remove substance p and see if they would feel no

pain to make like that and it was like and i think they got relatively close and then the war ended which is wild dude jesus christ yeah it was like i was so that's a thing but there are some people in this world that have very very low levels of substance p which causes pain and they like feel like almost no pain and and oprah used to have like these kids on and they touch the stove and yeah they're burning that's a problem substance p is is a big thing and actually actually in the not the nazi symbiosis book but when i did like further research about substance p i forgot the article but a lot of uh fighters have low levels i bet you have lower levels of substance p than the rest of us well what's weird is like my girl was opening up whatever a fucking can of tamales or something cut her finger on it and because i'm stereotypical i hate to say it but it is what it is she was like she really was open to a can of fucking uh fucking hot peppers and the can like cut her finger like sliced it

but i think because i'm so conditioned to like i see horrible shit or fighting or whatever videos i watch on world star hip-hop so, like, just conditioned to it. She's freaking out. I don't give a man to. I'm like, no. No fucking band-aid on it, man. Yeah. Get over it.

You just knew. Yeah, but, you know. Yeah. It's just like, shut up. Yeah, come on. Dude, one time, this was like a year ago, right before Jasmine got pregnant with our second daughter. She literally, dude, I mean, I'm talking about it was done,

like a full pot with water of tortellini, like full pot, done. Like she was going to pour it into the thing fully, as hot as it can be. To drain it? Bro, the handle broke off the pot. It spilled all over her feet, barefoot feet. Dude, she, like, it was literally, like, everywhere. She, like, fell to the floor. Just Freddy Krueger feet. Bro, and was literally wanted like everywhere she like felt it's just Freddy Krueger feet bro and was screaming screaming in dude dude screaming I know dude screaming in pain

and she literally like still to this day is so mad at me cuz when that happened I like rushed to her aid but I had to finish a fire tweet that I had first i was literally i swear to god in the middle of tweeting something that like i thought was like really funny and i like literally like a cup and then like got her eventually but still to this day she's like what the fuck like i can't believe you didn't immediately run to me i'm like babe like you got a tweet at certain times this algorithm stuff and but dude but but it's crazy because she literally just drank a bottle of wine she took took four advil and just fucking sat there. And it was, dude, her feet were blistering up, but just took it.

I would have went to the emergency room. I would have been, like, dead on the floor. But I think from the pain of childbirth. That's what I was going to say. They have a higher pain tolerance. Like, if you ever hear a girl be like, oh, yeah, tattoos don't really hurt. I like them. Like, you're insane.

Dude, when I, just my, you know, my kid was just born three weeks ago. And I was, you know, there because she got the epidural. C-section or she did the regular? No, regular, regular, daddy-o. But she got the epidural, which, you know, takes away some of the pain. But you still feel excruciating pain. But her leg went dead from the epidural, which happens sometimes. So I had to hold her leg and be there.

And the doctor was like, yo, you have to, like, be in position to, like, help. And, like, they had to do a quick course, like, what you need to do. So I was, like, in the position. You had to watch it all? Bro, literally, literally bro the doctor's hands were in jasmine like that yeah like that dude the openings well i was like yo that's fucking stretchy and i was like are you feeling this she was like what do you fucking think yeah i was like i feel great dude i mean i was like watching a childbirth it's like it's a different so intense it is so intense you don't realize it's it's very barbaric it's barbaric and then it's barbaric like having

a little little baby it's so strange because it's like every kid's ugly when they come out oh yeah no dude dude my daughter literally she was born she looked like an old chinese man now she looks like a young ukrainian woman it's very it's just they go through these phases and she looks like different people every day every day i'm like who is this kid yeah like i i would be confident if you put my baby in the like nursery at like day five i would not know which one my kid is i would have no idea what my kid looks like because they change but it's weird because like you know she's laying like when i look at her talk to her like facetime with her now if i've been away for a couple weeks it's like she like her well yeah dude oh well i had to go away last week and i'll be away for

another week because it's fucking true tv show um but but i know dude just go to christycomedy.com go support my life stand updates most of them are sold out what can you do um but go check to see if i'm coming to your city nashville uh uh octwoods Theater, Foxwoods, Connecticut, October 23rd. Foxwoods is a tough one. Philadelphia. We got all that. Waukegan, Illinois, and all these other ones. Go check it out.

Hot spots. Miami, Florida. Just put that on sale. Miami Improv. Another big one, baby. Miami Improv. Dania Improv. Never heard of it.

Five hundo seats, though. Four shows. What? What can you do? What's it called? Dania Improv. Dania point D-A-N-I-N. Why don't you do a Miami Improv? Because Dania Improv. Dania point. Why don't you do the Miami Improv?

Because Dania Improv offered Poppy a little bit more money in seats. How far is that from Tampa? And also Miami Improv didn't offer me anything. That's the big one. How far is it from where, baby? Tampa. Tampa. By the way, I'm doing the Tampa Theater January 2022. Tampa from Miami is pretty far.

It's far. It's on the other side. Dania Improv is in between miami and uh fort lauderdale it's in between i was just thinking you should have your cats athlete come out oh would the cats athlete like to come out i did last time i was at miami improv i was working the logan paul floyd mayweather fight i got done with my work with showtime i was god i need to get on stage so i called miami improv super close with them i go hey just looking for like 10 minutes i gotta get on stage while i'm here like cool but it's mrs pat's weekend let me i love mrs pat i don't know mrs pat she's cool but they asked her and she's like oh yeah i know brendan from rogan and yeah yeah tell him he can

do 10 minutes yeah i didn't realize she's basically the Joey Diaz of females. Oh, yeah all black crowd. Oh, yeah So I go I go out there goes well, I get then I get I'm walking back. She's so nice lover so talented So nice. It's great before the show. I walked back. She gets on stage after me roast the fuck out of me for being white I love it. She goes y'all laughing at that fucking white boy at my show. I'm like what? I love to like black people now like their definition of white is just getting bigger and bigger like he is not white As the big brown tour and it's just like he's like that white motherfucker. I'm like no no dude. You don't know what white That is not white dude. Nick's white is velcro sneakers This guy made a cool thing he's this guy's on cocaine Theo Brandon Nick

chin my main man meatball I got a quick shot out hugs for men well those are dope as follows our fire one where there's a little those are dope as fuck. Those are fire. Those are fire, yeah. Nothing like a little rat fur and some honey leather touching your bare ankles on a crisp, 100-degree New Jersey morning. Let me know what y'all think. Gang gang, Ugg Ugg. This guy's pushing drugs for the cartels. Well, yeah, and he's from New Jersey. As soon as he said meatball, I said, this guy's from the East Coast.

This guy's from the East Coast. Dude, here's the thing about from New Jersey. As soon as he said, as soon as he said meatball, I said, this guy's from the East Coast. This guy's from the East Coast. Dude, here's the thing about Uggs. Obviously, they're super gay, right? Super gay. Tom Brady wears Uggs. Yeah. So be fucking cool, man. I had a pair around the house.

I had the loafers around the house. Even my son made fun of me, but I still rocked them. When I say things are super gay, like, I don't mean that in a negative way. It's like, it's just the fact that super gay is being cool, but, I mean, it's gay.

Tom Brady's gay. I don't care. He wins all the Super Bowl, but he's, I mean, he's a gay kid. Yeah, sure. You know, I mean, he's just the fact it's super gay is being cool but i mean it's gay tom brady's gay i don't care he wins all the super bowl but he's i mean he's a gay kid yeah sure you know i mean he's just a gay like tom brady of course dude i love gay people but it's like they're yeah dude it's fully gay dude you're like you're gay i'm legitimately gay yeah you know we're both gay i mean look you're wearing white pants well they're they're they're denim but yeah they're white you think they're white they're're like a cream. No, this is white. We got one more. Who's this? Dude, this guy.

First of all, hold it. This kid is a proud boy. I was going to say, look at those traps, bud. Yeah, traps for days, daddy. Look at that. Built like a stingray. He's one of those. Yeah, his hair looks good from this angle, but you can tell it's just hanging on. It's about to go bald.

First team all German here. Theo, Brendan, I got to. Looks like Chris. Whoa. I wish I had that. Looks like me, dude. I wish I had that. Looks like me, dude. I wish I had that. I was just talking to my girl on the phone, and she said she wipes

front to back, but I got in an argument with her, and I say I wipe back to front. Girls have to wipe front to back. They have to do it. Which way is the real way? No, they have to. Gang, gang, buzz, buzz. Right? You have two sons. Yeah, but I'm a fucking smart human being, so I know women have to wipe the opposite you have two sons yeah but i'm a fucking smart human being so i

know women have to wipe the opposite way because of the bacteria right the bacteria yeah but i i didn't know that in the beginning oh really yeah because i wasn't sure i literally i talked about it on stage and i literally when the first one of the first days i was alone with my daughter when me and her mom split i she asked me to like wipe her in the bathroom but her mom would always do it and i didn't know which way to go and i had to tuck it back and figure it out yeah and I did but it's of course it's front to back because you don't want to get the poopy bacteria want to get poopy in the in the poopoo yeah yeah but it happens anyway I mean I've cleaned more shit out of a vagina than like so you guys that's what I do all day you guys are both back to front for wiping my ass yeah oh no i'm i'm uh i'm i'm uh no you go from the behind you lean forward

you go and i go up yeah yeah i i literally but i don't even know if i do that i just go straight up you know what i mean yeah i go straight i don't fuck around no no i literally i i put tissue paper wrapper i put a lot back and i go like that and I clean it out. Oh, you do the swirl? I clean it out. Not me. I get hard in there. Almost like a spoon. I also stand up fully straight when I wipe my ass. I don't stay seated.

Do you stay up? Do you stand up straight? I put my leg up on the toilet seat to really get in there. That's disgusting. That's disgusting. Meatball. I have a squatty potty. So I use that.

You have a squatty potty. Oh, yeah. Dude, I've never in my life dude i've never in my life i've never in my life and i never will in my life use a bidet i'm not gonna do it i don't care dude you ever used one though no but i don't i know i don't want to i don't want i don't want nice dude but cold water in your asshole not cold especially those new like fancy bidets it's warm water dude but my question to you is what but don't you do you feel like your assholes cleaned out with just water spray couldn't be more clean especially the new ones like sprays

and it's warm it like gets everything a bit day at the crib no my friends do though nice that's it that's it damn that was quick well go to christy comedy.com yep although it sounds like all your tickets are sold out. No, you said they were. We just ended up seats in Philly. And at the Foxwoods. Well, Foxy, the first show is sold out. Second show, let's just say, please go to christycomedy.com and buy some tickets.

October 23rd. I'm at Ha Ha's in L.A. First set's in L.A. this weekend, Friday, Saturday. Friday shows are the early show sold out second show has five tickets left that will be me Eric Griffin and some other uh friends and then Saturday will be me and Chrissy D at the ha-ha in LA tickets at thickboy.com or fatkz.com and then end of the month I'm in Tacoma Washington Tacoma Comedy Club and then we got a bunch of other dates coming up alright love you

guys deal we miss you thank you baby love you guys I cry for coffee, I'm ready to go. I need a sponsor, I am a monster. About to open up with this at my concert. Flow is contagious, brows are outrageous. Thicker than girls that are Instagram famous. Damn, hungry like I'm fresh off keto. Seeing red like Andrew Santino. Every song a hit like the great Bambino.

Brennan ate the queso and the quesoritos. But everything's gonna be fine. Hate on me, I do not mind. Theo looking like the type of dude that got a pack of matches in his pockets at all times They sliding into my DMs A couple of you Trav it couldn't beat em Quit playing like Nintendo DS You don't want to smoke like Joey Diaz

Meaning y'all edible Just got my eyebrows threaded and I'm feeling incredible Brennan's son hit me up He said it's too loud in the club, can you pick me up? King and the sting King and the sting King and the sting Beast and rat king club can you pick me up the sting king and the sting bee sting rat king king and the sting king and the sting got the bees in a trap got the cheese on a string