The Golden Hour - Episode 134: The Machine and The Sting

Episode Date: August 13, 2021

Bert Kreischer joins the show and the guys debate who discovered Theo first, share old Theo stories, get a surprise submission from Barstool Sports' KFC (Kevin Clancy), and talk overused phrases, fair-weather fans, Tom Segura always sh*tting on Bert, grown men drinking hard seltzers, sheep vs female parts, Bert's insane promo style and much more! Get your King and the Sting merch at katsmerch.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

buzz buzz pretty young lady adorable yeah she's super cute by the way even full of metal mouth no oh by the way that's i mean but also invisalign no no visalign sucks dude is it yeah my wife got invisalign i go you're getting plastic surgery at 50 and you're choosing your teeth yeah like let's start with your yeah back off my broccolini. Get your life together. It is. Don't touch me, bro. I'm not touching you, dude.

I got to find something other than let's go to say. Yeah. Everyone says let's go, and I don't want to be the guy that goes, let's fucking go. Because you hear every meathead in college going, let's fucking go. Let's go. Or let's do this. Let's do this. Let's tape up the dog's mouth and rape it another one is uh on social media like i was trying to post you know i had all these shows in tacoma

they're sold out and i was gonna put tacoma you savages and i saw brian post me like ontario you savages and then see rogan be like you savages i'm like oh yeah we come up with a different word this is a good point we come up with a different way we talk about this yeah tell me when we're ready to record let's do it wrong are we rolling right now yeah okay so because you guys were talking about phrases that are overused let's go is way overused and i've used it i've used it i've used it is it tom brady did he create it you think yeah let's go let's i don't think he said let's fucking go but let's let's go he did it with that fake football video, which I totally fell for. Yeah, me too.

I'm such a fucking rube. I would have bought so much snake oil back in the fucking 1800s. That'd get me too. But I think that's where we get our sayings, right? Because he says, let's go. So you'll see, like, I'll say it'd be like, whatever. La Jolla Comedy Store, August 28th through the 30th. Let's go.

I put in Lfg one time thinking i'd slide it under the yeah like lfg baby the other one and then now i'll tell you i'll take ownership to being a part of of sayings that get said on podcasts and then you start saying them savage was one of them savage started with i I think, Rogan. I think he copyrighted Savage. Okay, Rogan was guilty of almost all of them. Praise Odin. Do you remember Praise Odin? Yeah, I don't use that one.

Okay, Praise Odin was one I was guilty of. But you'd hear it on a podcast, and then you didn't realize he was saying it a lot. You just realized you heard it a lot. And then it enters your vocabulary. And then you're in a fucking bar in Hawaii going, Praise Odin! Like you're a fucking white supremacist.

Praise Odin! But that point, too white supremacist. Praise Odin! But that point, too, because I used to say it all the time. I'd say 100%. 100%. Oh my god. Now Rogan says 100%. 100%. If you say, I say 100% so fucking much. I think that's my thing. I gotta be honest. I'm 100%. I'm 100%. I am definitely

100%. Call Thompson-Garr right now. I am 100%. I am 100%. 100%, dude. 100%. 100%. I am definitely 100%. Call Thompson right now. I am 100%. I am 100%. 100%, dude. 100%. 100%. And then Rogan started to use it. I'm like, all right, well, I say 100%.

Or I say for sure. For sure. All the time. For sure. Merked. Merked was one that you guys would throw around. That guy got merked. He got starched.

Starched. Starched. Starched feels good to say. Like when a guy gets knocked out, but God, he got starched. And it's so applicable because it is just the... Legit. I mean...

Have you ever been starched? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I've had some tough days. Like on TV. Oh, yeah. I've been starched in my underwear

in front of millions of people. In Brazil, my whole family flew out there for it. And I made 14 grand. Oh, my God. Yeah. Holy shit. That's how much you made for that?

Yeah. To get knocked out by no gear. It's funny, though, because I was in Tacoma last week. And my brothers were my managers. So they handed my brother the check. And I like to look. Like you do. I like to look at the tickets, all that stuff like that so he gives it to me and I'm like

I'm not terrible he was hey that's four times the amount you made to get knocked out by no dare I'm like good point brother good point that was I was thinking about that today I remember the time I remember people turning on me like fans when they found out that i was also a businessman really yeah like people going oh come on bert you care about you're responsible you're fucking an alcoholic right you're a piece of shit alcoholic you know you care about numbers i thought you were like us yeah you're fucking roller skates drunk as fuck with your kids in the speedo right that's you i was like yeah i'm doing that to sell fucking tickets asshole yeah man yeah you're you're one of the guys that i think probably more so than

anybody knows the most about like ticket sales raising the prices you ready you ready for some inside baseball please so i go on and this by the way i know this is people are going to be like oh you mean theo's not really autistic like what the fuck you mean he sits and writes jokes all night are you fucking kidding you kidding me he's not autistic fucking but he is racist i can't i cannot listen to theo anymore because i get angry how good he is how good he is try doing a show with him can i just tell you and then i have to use these you know i have my roast but then his are like just you know who you well you look like head security for the colgate tooth but you're like

what the fuck did that come from a bridge is just a brave street like and you're like but you know you know i'm being very real right now and he may not admit this because a lot of people don't want to admit who discovered them but i discovered theo i discovered theo you think you did because i feel like i did no no no no because when i met him he's making two grand a weekend and i said papa you're fucking crazy talented. Have my podcast studio. Start doing that. And then come on my show.

And then now he's making, I mean, not more money than you, but more money than most people. He's making more money than me. Because he's got a bunch of suckling fucking vampires that he has got to pay for that live in a house with him. My family. I hear that. I hear that. No, me and Amy Schumer discovered Theo Vaughn. We discovered, we were the first people.

I will say this, I will say this hand on a Bible and I would actually wish there was a way to make this test. We discovered, type in when reality bites back. We discovered the brilliance of Theo Vaughn in reality bites back. Like we would look at each other and go, he actually might be one of the funniest people we've ever met. What year is Reality Bites Back?

Can you tell me? 2008. You'll never hear anybody. In 2008 is when Amy Schumer and I, a couple of times, sat privately and were like, he is the funniest human. He's saying things that the room's not catching, and we would catch.

He said, if I could buy that final episode we did, saying things that are are that the room's not catching and we would catch he said in in the if i had the if i had could buy that final episode we did where they i think theo wins it and they award him the money if i is that that's like uh it was a reality show okay you were on it too oh dude pull up the list of who was on it was it mtv no it's comedy central theo got his degree from mtv the uh it's it's burke reicher tiffany haddish moment red grant who's running for mayor of Comedy Central. Theo got his degree from MTV. It's Bert Kreischer, Tiffany Haddish, Red Grant, who's running for mayor of DC right now, Mo Mandel, Donnell Rollins, Amy Schumer, Theo Vaughn, Kyle Cease.

Can I tell you what is fucking brilliant about this reality show? Chris Fairbanks and Kyle Cease are up for the first elimination. Theo won the first challenge. And so he gets to pick who goes home. Is it physical challenges? Oh, yeah, it was physical.

That's the other thing about Theo. He's way more athletic than you think. Oh, and by the way, he's a in reality format. He knows how to he knew how to play the game. Yeah, he's a beast. He knew what to do. He knew not to to like be the loudest guy to just kind of fly under the radar and do his job and be funny and make friends with everyone and he won the first challenge he won the first challenge and then he

gets to pick who goes home and this is what's it's just so hilarious chris fairbanks comes up to me and goes i don't want to go home i need this money he's got like eight grand an episode for this show and he goes i need this money and i he goes what do you think i should do and i said well i just go up to theo and tell him not to send you home and he goes okay so he went to theo And he goes, I need this money. And he goes, what do you think I should do? And I said, well, just go up to Theo and tell him not to send you home. And he goes, okay. So he went up to Theo and he goes, hey, Theo, I really need this money.

Can you not send me home? And Theo's like, that's not how it works, but sure. And so he just got up and he goes, Kyle sees you're going home. And Kyle's like, what the fuck? And he's like, well, he asked me not to send him home. He told me not to send him home. He's like, that's not how it works.

And Chris Fairbanks, fucking hilarious. But we, it was like the beginning brilliance of Theo, of like where Amy and I appreciated just how funny he was and just how many people, at that time, comedy was different. And how many people weren't getting it. Like, did not get it. He's like, I remember him telling Comedy Central, they're like, you know, what would you guys want to do

if you had a show? And he was like, I don't know. I'd like to do a show about how to make like a glass of water. And we're like, what? Terrible pitch. He shot it. He shot it. Oh, they actually shot it?

Yeah, Theo shot a video of how to make a glass of water. He's been telling me for, since I started with him, he's been thinking about like kids' YouTube channels, and he wants to do one where the kids smell different farts. And it would work I went to his house and watched him filmed a video of making a glass of water and I could not stop laughing he's the most he's one of the funniest fucking human beings and and I mean this and this is the part of the behind the scenes that he's also a very fucking very smart comic and he sits and he thinks about comedy a lot of times yeah so

like i think that you know that's part of the making of the sausage is you think theo just spews he's constantly jokes he's constantly thinking of comedy and that's what makes a great comic amy schumer and i dude the one of the funniest things nothing of comedy is crying yeah yeah the me me and amy me theo vaughn and red Grant win a challenge, right? And we win a challenge with Lunel. And Lunel says, for the reward, you guys get to take a bath with me. Do you know who Lunel is? Do you know who that was? You get to take a bath.

You get to take a bath with me, right? And so. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People would know her from Borat. Yeah. And so we're like, and so Theo and I were like, fuck yeah. So we all have a few cocktails and we get ready to take a bath.

And they're like, hey, I forget what they said, but I wasn't listening. And it was something to the effect of make sure you wear a couple pairs of bathing suits because we want you guys to take a bathing suit off. And Theo and I didn't hear that. And neither did Red. So he just went away. Heard that. So Lunel had two bathing bathing suits on so we get in the tub comedy central the president of comedy central at the time lauren correo i think that's her name lauren correo is at the filming elizabeth there's another uh head of a copy central elizabeth who's there everyone's

in this room in a bathroom and we're and've been drinking. And Lunel gets in the bathtub and goes, I hope you boys ready to get naked. And throws off her bathing suit. And Theo and I take off our bathing suits, as does Red. And Lunel with her foot goes, wait, I feel someone's dick. And Theo and I are like, yeah, we're all naked right now. And she was like, you guys didn't wear extra bathing suits? And Theo and I just stand up naked. We're like, no.

And everyone's like, oh, fuck naked we're like no no and everyone's like oh fuck we're like shooting a horn and like red's naked we're all naked in a bathtub the president gangbang the president of comedy central is like and lunella's laughing so fucking hard and those were the golden ages of freaking comedy central god that was and that show was so fucking funny. But that's where Amy and I fell in love with Theo. And I don't know, it's fun to watch him. I can't watch him anymore because I watch his right.

He did a fucking joke the other day. I don't even know where I saw it. He was talking about reincarnation. Have you ever heard his joke about reincarnation? I don't want to tell because I don't want to ruin it yeah it was fucking brilliant yeah shooting a special is it this month or next month this month august 12th which you know if you see his first special on netflix you know it's it's good this is an evolution but it's like dude compared to what he's doing now it's not even close well it's like when we did that, I've been trying to do this forever.

It's just caught being Jeff Foxworthy with the Blue Comedy Tour to get everybody together. So we had a one stop at the Orpheum Theater. It was like 3,500 takes. We sold two shows out. It was Big Jay Orkson. This is four years ago. Ari.

I remember that show. Big Jay Orkson, Ari, Brian, myself, and then Theo. And so we're trying to figure out the lineup. So we had a host. I went first. Then I think it was Big Jay, then Ari, then Brian, and then Theo was like, I'll just go last. But he felt uncomfortable because he wasn't the Theo Vaughn at the time. This is four years ago.

He was just rumbling. We all knew how good he was. He's like, I guess I'll try some new shit out there, man. I'm like, dude, this is 3,500 people, Bubba. Bring your A game. You got 15 minutes. He's like, I'll figure something out. Dude, we're all watching backstage,

and he did, it's probably going to be on a special, and it was like the first kernel of it and just brought the fucking house down. And he gets in the back and says, Adam, was that even fucking good? And we're like, what is wrong with you? You destroyed everybody. That's what makes a good comic is a guy who's a little self-conscious

of what he's doing. He opened for me. Right when I started to sell tickets, I did a show in San Francisco for some fucking comedy festival. I think Comedy Central was putting on. And Theo was like there, and I needed an opener. And he was headlining his own show but he's like hey man i'll hop on and do like 15 i was like cool and i hadn't seen him perform in a while and dude i was floored

what's up guys uh i just want to say yeah thanks that i'm not uh thanks for being here and also that um yeah i haven't really been in the studio as much, but it's just because I've been dealing with this Netflix special and dealing with just some personal stuff I've been dealing with. So I just want to let you know I love you. And PTL, baby, praise God, you know that. And I want to thank Eric and Stevie for holding it down. And, of course, the Sting himself. Thank you, guys, man. I'll see you next week.

Hey, guys, what's up? Sorry I can't be there in studio this week, but, you know, it's just as good as spending some time with you and me together, having some liquid IV, baby, that's right. When you're dehydrated or if you've had, you know what I'm saying, Mexican diarrhea, you know, or any kind of diarrhea on any continent, one stick of liquid IV and 16 ounces of water hydrates faster and more efficiently than water alone. And that's true. Go for a run, drink some liquid IV, man. You feel like a damn ocean. Maybe you'll feel like the damn

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not shitting on me all fucking day on two bears one game everyone that came on anthony jesselman is like that's an interesting choice as a friend tom why would you ever be friends with him fucking ethan klein like birds movie i i text tom every time and i was like hey did they like me like for real and he's like dude fucking relax they liked you we're just busting balls i was like well i'm sitting here in serbia i'm like arms fucking broken i'm losing my shit i miss podcasting yeah and every day just getting shit on it's like it's i don't i never get that oh i'm saying my i miss podcasting yeah yeah every day just getting on it's like it's funny i never get that oh i'm saying i never like if if someone came in here like if you did come in and just kept chin on theo it'd be a you know yeah yeah yeah but you know that's your time i think

me and tom's relationship and i think it's fun and it's funny because when you know when it's done well it's hilarious i mean we do it with callen one of my time we do it count all the time even still you start listening to it enough and you're like you start believing it you're like oh when it's like the same shit over like all right maybe i do need to work on my head they're like yeah finally you get to talk tom and i was like wait do i over talk over him wait because he has nothing to say i mean i'm just trying to make a show yeah i mean the guy with that many specials you think he'd talk but oddly enough he just listens a lot yeah you you and tom are a great pairing i fucking love i told tom this and you're you're in this category you know i told tom he's he's my north star as far as like building

his network i'm doing that and just the way he's gone about his career i'm like dude you're my north star he's my north it was awkward like hit till 90s all very cool you know tom he's like yeah cool see tom's my north star but the problem with north stars is they only show up at night and I sleep the majority of night. True. So I look at the North Star and then I go, that's right, I got to focus on my podcast. I just fucking let him run stuff. And then my only thing I focus on, the only thing I focus on really is stand up. Stand up and sell tickets.

That's the only thing that's always in my head. Always in my head about like. Well, he's the best at marketing. Who, oh no i think i'm good i i think i'm definitely better than tom yes i'm way better than tom like i have to tell him how to market that's usually how it goes yeah because you usually especially like it's uh santino and chrissy d and i were talking about. You look at the best podcasts like pairings. It's like having Chinese fighting fish in a tank. You never want two of them.

There's always one guy focused on the business, and then obviously he's good at comedy, but then there's one guy who's kind of the madman, who's loosey-goosey. You never want two alphas. Does that make sense? I have a bit about it. We saw a gay couple. One had khakis on and a white collared shirt.

And one had jean shorts, cowboy boots, and a python around his neck. He's the power bottom. He's khakis on python. Yes. Always. Always. Yes, always. And he's like, I wear pythons.

I go, yeah, maybe around Christina you wear pythons. But around me, you're khakis on python. Correct. And he's like, yeah, you're always python. I go, I'm fucking. I'm a python. Yeah, I'm a python. I can't help it.

Like, I'm python.. Like perfect example, right? Tom breaks his arm and breaks his leg. And I just noticed what great marketing, right? That's all in the back of my head. What great marketing, what an opportunity. We did great numbers with our live podcast where we showed the video. Yes, huge.

But I feel like he dropped some balls places. How so? And then I blow out my arm and I go, you take your phone into surgery with you and you do a promo video to promote your AIDS at Red Rocks September AIDS. Have you seen my promo video? No. Bring this shit up.

Bro, this is how you roll into surgery. Is this yesterday? This is surgery. This is a week ago. This is a week ago. Wait, first of all, how'd you fuck your arm up? I'm not clear on that. I did.

Can you talk about it? I can. I was doing a lot of my own acting and so uh stunt work and whatever acting and uh and i kind of fucked my arm up this is the video hang you gotta hit that you gotta hear audio and were they cool with it we're like who cares who cares i told him i said yo i'm rolling into music i'm rolling into music i want to be high as fuck and i'm gonna fucking and i told my cardio my anesthesiologist i'm gonna get a fucking hot promo. That's what I do, man. I'm rolling into music. I want to be high as fuck. And I'm going to fucking, and I told my anesthesiologist the night before. And I'm going to get a fucking hot promo. He goes, what music do you want? I said, Creedence, Get Out of Arrival.

And he was like, really? And I said, my good luck music is Creedence. And so he goes, okay. And he goes, and I go, just giving you a heads up, Jimmy Buffett's playing the night before and the night after me at Red Rocks. I'm performing at Red Rocks. I'm doing a promo video, and I'm probably going to be high as fuck. You got to remind me to do my promo video.

And he was like, deal. Wow, what a good doc. Dude, this anesthesiologist, if I get his name, this is the guy you want to put you under. So we go in. This is just for the record. Before this. Is this in the Valley? Is this in Ceno?

No, this is Curlin Jobes down by the airport. Okay. So before this, I'm nervous. I said, Tom goes, tell him to give you a cocktail. And if you don't feel it, tell him to give you a topper. And so I was like, okay. So I say to him, hey man, I need my cocktail. And he's like, you've already had your cocktail.

I go, I need a topper. And so he goes, all right, I got you. A topper. And now this is the point when the toppers hit. And what is a topper? I think it's a cousin to Xanax. It's a fast acting Xanax. So it kicks in. Daddy likes a fast acting Xanax.

So it kicks in in a matter of seconds. And I am the highest I've ever been in my life. And I am on Instagram stories just holding my thumb down, doing minutes and minutes of stories of me going like, fairly inappropriate. I'm not going to lie to you. Like, I look at him. He's Asian.

I go, I love your accent. And he's like, I don't have an accent. And I was like, whatever. You know, the fact that you're asian you're putting me under this is you don't want a white dude putting you under you want to die yeah parents held him to a standard yeah he had to live up to that what might have been out of his craft yeah you want an indian guy and you don't want a fucking white dude no you don't want to like going hey yin's want to be put out bro no i don't you're from pittsburgh hey, yins want to be put out, bro? No, I don't. You're from Pittsburgh. Do not put me out.

Let me see this, Nick. You are my favorite. You are my favorite. Of course. I just gave you all these drugs for free. You're so high. I'm my favorite. I'm pretty high.

I feel like I should write a poem or something. Isn't that a good buzz? Yeah. Credence in the background, right? We're walking to the operating room. I'm going into surgery right now. I just, we're playing Creedence Killian. This is blaring in the fucking surgery room.

I have a great team around me. I have a great team around me. But what I want to tell you for real while I lay here on this green panic is Red Rocks. It's September 8th. I will be performing at Red Rocks. What a beast.

It's at burpburpburp.com. I'm about to go to surgery. Before and the night after, I can't wait to do Red Rocks. I have invited my anesthesiologist. Get the fuck out of my hand. I love you guys. Wow, dude.

Mark Norman's with me at Red Rocks. That's good. Dave Williamson and Mark Norman. And so I don't remember filming any of this, right? I get in, dude. Wow, dude. Mark Norman's with me at Red Rocks. That's good. Dave Williams and Mark Norman. Dude. And so I don't remember filming any of this, right? I get in the car. I get a call from Tommy because I was really freaked out about surgery. I get a call from Tommy.

He's like, it's not that bad, is it? I said, no. And he goes, hey, man, you fucking put up a bunch of stories. And I was like, what? And I had no recollection of it. So I go to my stories. I watch my stories. I'm like, they're not too bad. They are they are yeah like you can call me on whatever the fuck you

want to call me on i'm just fucking high as shit yeah and and then and then i and then i go and then i look at my phone and i go i shot a fucking promo and i remember thinking tom really dropped the ball like he had these great i remember he put his first his first surgery video he had a mask on and it had like 100,000 likes. And I went, ooh, surgery masks do a lot of numbers, huh? People take that. People were like, ooh, you're about to die. Yeah.

Oh, okay. Oh, he might die. He might die. Let's tune into this. I might as well like it. Might as well check out. Let's check out his website. And I thought, you're rolling into surgery.

You bring a phone in, and you fucking tell everyone. And then you post it, and you don't tell him what the surgery is about. No. By the way, these are like marketing things in my head is do never tell. There's a guy, there's a guy, his name's Young Taco, right? He's part of Odd Futures. He's, I know this because he shoot a movie with my buddy, Jimmy Tatro. I mean, you're a movie star now.

I don't know about that. You've changed. In January. Give me the January. Give me the January. And so Young Taco, and he's got some go scroll down scroll down let's do his thing right so he's got a few like operation videos where he's in a he's in like a medical procedure and all i'm reading right there and all you read

in the comments is what's going on what are you in for are you okay like and so i went okay so don't and he never tells you why he's in surgery i think it's cosmetic surgery to be honest with you i think he just maybe he had a nose job. Look, look, look, look, look. Read all the fucking comments. Are you all right? That's all the things. But he doesn't tell you why he's in there.

And I thought, okay, don't tell him why you're going in, right? Don't tell him why you're there. Let him wonder. Let him love you for a second. It's like the time. Do you remember the time they thought I had a heart attack? Yes. And I told Leanne, I go, do not tmz i did not have a heart attack yeah

let everyone think i'm dead simmer let it simmer and man my phone blew it up and i'm like oh that's a marketing opportunity like take what you're seeing in real life apply it to selling tickets and we moved like fucking 2 000 tickets in colorado that day fucking bet how many does it hold 10 they just had to up the our our capacity was not what it was going to be and they just upped it all the way to full capacity you know who's doing that now is a crowder yeah he's not a comic but you know he's a political guy he's like a conservative or right i don't speak out during i don't know what he is but he's a political guy but he's having like heart surgery what like yeah his heart like i don't know he's done like real deal

and he i guess he had surgery and didn't go well, so he has to have it again. Look at those likes. Yeah. By the way. Look at those likes. Last night, took a turn for the worst. Ever actually get so close that you can physically feel death? He's a dick.

Good news is it's fixable and things happen. That was July 27th. If you go to his Instagram or he posted. Hang on. Stop, stop, stop. It didn't go well for him. 40,000 likes. 40,000 likes. 27th if you go to his instagram or he posted it didn't go well for him 40 000 30 40 000 likes now now hang on let's be very on twitter steven crowder is a very polarizing individual 40 000 likes 40 000 like there are people that hated him that liked it

because you don't want to see anyone die you don't want to see anyone no like it's all fun and games social media how's he doing what's i don't i think his instagrams his last post where he's like it didn't go well well either that's and then if he's got a big uh live show yeah there it is i don't does he do live shows i'm getting heart surgery part two look at him he's getting heart surgery yeah we're praying to m. Yours was so much more lit. Yeah. You're also more entertaining. By the way, hang on, pause.

Oh, watch live. I wonder how much those live tickets are. Go to his fucking website. He knows what he's doing. By the way, Stephen Crowder's a smart dude. He's a very smart kid. He's got a man. I think I'm older than him, so I can say kid. If Stephen Crowder is selling tickets to a live surgery,

that's fucking game changer. That's a fucking game changer. Tired of the left? Of course you are. Of course you are. Sign up here. Steven Crowder, man. I've heard him on Rogan before.

I've seen him. I've only heard him on Rogan. His co-host used to be Anthony Cumia's co-host. Oh, really? Oh, fucking hilarious dude. Those guys get in trouble all the time, and every time I fucking can't help but giggle yeah they don't get in trouble because i don't think they really care those guys you don't get in trouble but i think he's more on

patreon right i think is that no he's on youtube he's changed my mind he does all the change my mind videos and it's it's fucking you know it's pretty brilliant because you got steven carter's a very intelligent dude he's a very well dude. He's a very well-researched dude. He's a very knowledgeable dude. He knows his shit. About his shit. And he knows your shit. You don't ever want to get in an argument with anyone that knows your shit.

That's the whole problem with sometimes with fighting with someone in the audience is they know everything about you. You know nothing about them. Yeah, but you can light them up with- Yeah, you can light them up with a few jokes, but if someone goes in real quick and is like, yeah yeah your younger daughter is dyslexic and you're like you know more about me god damn it you got kids no all right just going nowhere

wait so is stephen crowder okay i think yeah i think so i don't know i sent him a dm just like hey man we don't know each other at all yeah but i think he got mad at me because he had a guy on and it's a guy that they don't like and the guy wanted to debate him and they like caught him like off guard and he's like i'm not doing this oh yeah i'm making points three yeah yeah he's inclined yeah yeah see here's the problem is that so i don't know any of that world and so i was like oh but if you're a debater like why wouldn't crowder just fucking light that guy up and debate him like that's what you do best but I guess they just don't want to give him a platform so I said that I think it got to him so he got upset that I

was like dude debate him I like Crowder I said when Dan was like dude I hope your heart surgery went alright by the way I like Crowder I also like Ethan and I also like Sam Seder I like all of them I don't know any of them that's the problem is I actually can like I can like everyone and I'm always this is where you and problem is I actually can like, I can like everyone. And I'm always blown away.

This is where you and I are similar. Yeah. I like everybody. I find. Everybody. Everybody fucking entertaining. And by the way. And when they don't like me, like, oh, why not?

What did I do? You ever watch someone and you're like, and you start watching me like, this guy's pretty good. This guy's pretty good. Or this girl's pretty good. And then a video pop up of them trashing you. And you're like, wow, you didn't like me too. Oh, man. Yeah. I'll DM like'm like hey man just uh saw your video there seems

to be a bit of confusion i'm actually a fan i shut it down i don't i can't i then can't watch it because i was like oh should we get in a couple segments yeah yeah we got some random topics people send in submission videos talk about whatever here's one from a fella What up king in the stain Hang it or sting it County fairs, I know up here at the Franklin County Fair all these fucking bums in town here come out and Get them fucking welfare tickets fuck the carnies you're kind of nasty fucking dirt star of a fucking dirt star

fucking gang gang buzz buzz go lick a lizard baby i knew that guy was gonna have a beard there's no way that guy did i did not think he was gonna Fucking gang, gang, buzz, buzz. Go lick a lizard, baby. I knew that guy was going to have a beard. There's no way that guy didn't have a beard. I did not think he was going to look like that. I was thinking of something else. It's so funny. I didn't expect him to be driving a European car, but because he's on the wrong side,

I guess that's just a video flip. He's got Stars and Stripes seat covers, though. Hell yeah. Just in case you're confused. Dude, I pictured the hat being backwards. I pictured it not being a fitted cap and I definitely pictured a beard I expected a woman in there

sipping out of a mega big gulp a slurpee in the back maybe a child that had dirt all over its hands but I didn't you expected honey boo boo in the back by the way I can tell you what his car smells like it smells like a boat that is my wife's family to a fucking.

Yeah. No, it smells like fucking freedom. You asked me, man. So he's asking for about County fairs. Here's the thing. When you have kids and you know,

I have a five-year-old and he'll be too soon. When you have kids, dude, those County fairs are lit for them. It's like you, it's for them. It's better than Disneyland. No,

you need a county fair that serves alcohol yes like if that's the key and then the big county fairs don't serve alcohol i've been to the one in la didn't serve alcohol and it was a fucking exhausting fucking walk it basically turns into a walk into a parking lot of you just going so when do we get the fuck do we get out of here and then all of a sudden you're like oh shit sheep's pussies do look like real pussy they do look like just i swear to god this is well that's why they fuck them and i didn't know that i didn't know that because there's nothing but the sheep they look i mean if you say have you seen the game girl sheep pussy real pussy

where you pull up a sheep pussy or a real pussy and we gotta guess which one it is because i'm telling you i could not really is that difference i was at a county fair my wife with the kids my my wife's husband's there. And I'm bored. Your wife's husband? My wife's dad. Oh, word. I was like, you, man?

It's a Freudian slip. And so we go into the barnyard thing. And I see a sheep from behind. And I went, holy fuck. And Leanne goes, stop it. And I go, no. She goes, please stop it. She's like, dear God, I'm begging you.

Please be good. She's like, I go, Leanne, it, please stop it. She's like, dear God, I'm begging you. Please be good. She's like, I go, Leanne, it looks like you. And she's like, my dad is right there. Sheep's pussies look identical. Have you seen the Zero Dark Thirty night vision that the seals use when they zoom in in the Middle East and you just see some dude just fucking a sheep? And they're all clowning them and laughing and shit? I'd fuck a sheep. Here's the thing.

sheep and they're like all clowning them and laughing and shit i'd fuck a sheep like here's the thing if how crazy it would be if they were like if they were like president biden was just like hey just so you know new mass mandate also you can fuck sheep it's not cheating and it's not bestiality and it's all good it's all good don't call in sheep sales are through the fucking roof no one's eating uh osabuco at all nothing i don't even know if that is that lamb i don't even know fucking sometimes i say say words i don't even know if that is that lamb. I don't even know. Fucking. Sometimes I say words. I don't know what they mean, but that's my entire career.

And, but I would. Really? I'm going to say real pussy. I'm going to say sheep. Real pussy. That's a real pussy. That's a real pussy. That's a real pussy.

That's a human pussy. Yes. Okay, okay. By the way, they're both real pussies in my book. Okay, that's a sheep. That's a sheep. Wait, no, that's a... Wait, I see a butthole too, but the butthole's above the pussy, which is flipped around. That's a sheep pussy.

That's a sheep. That's a woman's pussy. No, I'm just kidding. That's a sheep pussy. By the way, I didn't even realize that. Yeah, you're going to get butthole above pussy. That's a brand's pussy. No, I'm just kidding. That's a sheep pussy. By the way, I didn't even realize that. Yeah, you're going to get butthole above pussy. That's a brand new game. That asshole's going to be right in your face.

Normally, asshole's a reach. In this one, you're like, ah, right there. It's like an elevator button. That's real pussy. Yeah, real. That's sheep pussy. That's sheep pussy? Got one. Are the people watching this, seeing this, playing along with us? There's going to be a fucking game show.

It's going to sell this to TBS. Especially in 2021. They'll buy this instantly. By the way, and the winner has one tooth and his hat backwards with a beard. He goes, she pussy, real pussy, real pussy. She's undefeated. No one's going to slip me up on this.

I bet Theo would be great at this game. Deal with crush. What else you got, Nick? So bird is ever late kinging oh i'm hardcore kinging and i'll tell you why i'm gonna the food the food at a county fair is is i mean there's a there's a show called uh called um my buddy noah cap hosts it have you ever seen it it's called carnival eats what's it was it funnel cakes those dinosaur turkey legs oh my god fried everything deep fried everything deep fried oreos deep fried yeah it's fantastic have you ever seen carnival eats everybody's dying if you ate covet there by the way nobody's in shape at a county fair no one or disneyland and part of what i did

for travel channel is i'd go to these county fairs and ride the rides sometimes. Top 10. I mean, they take food to the next level. To the next fucking level, they do things where you're like... It's the fattest shit of all time, though. Oh, yeah. Like deep fried cheesecake.

But I love that kind of thinking, that out-of-the-box thinking where you're like... Is it out-of-the-box or is it kind of just fat thinking? It's fat thinking, but out-of-the-box fat thinking when they're like, you know... The first person was like,

does deep fry a snicker? And you're like, okay. And then deep fried pizza, deep fried everything. Then that gets hacky. And then you're like you know the first person was like does deep fry a snicker and you're like okay and then deep fried pizza deep fried everything then that gets hacky and then you're like all right what are you gonna do now and they start doing things where they're like i i saw them spiral cut a potato and then have that be the outer covering of a hot dog then deep fry it so that every bite and then cover it in cheese and chili so that every bite, and then cover it in cheese and chili, so that every bite was potato, hot dog, chili, and cheese. And it was so fucking good. Look at it, look at it, look at it. That sounds pretty fucking lit.

You had some fat shit, man. Oh, I love it. So I'm going to King County Fairs. I was stinging sheep pussy. I got confused on those two. I King sheep pussy. All right. You know, for 50 years,

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need restaurants to stay in business. So we need them to maintain a level of expectancy with their dining and their treats. Grubhub does it. Yep. Grubhub is doing a little extra to serve panera get a free delivery perk on your first order from panera of 15 or more that's right grubhub works hard they want to help the restaurants stay in business because it helps them stay in business order through grubhub app or online keep your restaurants whether they're big, small, whatever type they are, you want to keep them around,

and so does Grubhub. Grubhub, we serve restaurants. My name is Shailen. I'm from Kentucky, obviously. She has the full metal one. King it or sting it. Grown men drinking seltzers, the hard ones,

specifically black cherry. Gang, gang, buzz, buzz. Buzz, buzz, pretty young lady. She's adorable. Yeah, she's super cute. Even full of metal mouth. No, oh, by the way, that's, I mean. But also Invisalign, no?

No, Invisalign sucks, dude. Does it? Yeah, my wife got Invisalign. I go, you're getting plastic surgery at 50 and you're choosing your teeth? Yeah. Like, let's start with your tits. Yeah. Like, there's a lot we can fix.

Correct. And you're gonna pick your teeth it's the last thing i'm fucking looking at is your goddamn teeth i actually like crooked teeth yeah yeah yeah what i loved about my wife she got rid of all of it she had a hole in her face from a dilated pore i loved it she had a crooked snaggle tooth i loved it i loved the jewel vibe i get i bet she had like randy moss teeth that's why she had to fix them old school braces there you're like there's some serious shit it tells you it's such a commitment adult braces tell you a lot about a person how so uh and i i look it tells you number one their

parents didn't care about their teeth yeah so the parents didn't care about their teeth like their parents didn't care about teeth that's a really important thing it's like the first line of like of like of like middle class is like i'm gonna take care of my kids yeah anything below that they're like my wife's family didn't give a about her teeth uh did your wife grow up poor yeah she's got like uh like pioneer teeth like you know like yeah kind of teeth you go it let's go to a boat ride to america i don't need a dentist apocalypto teeth yeah yeah oh yeah yeah yeah i have i have uh i have more settlers teeth yeah me too yeah um wait what was her question grown men drinking seltzer hard seltzers i don't fuck with a man like white claw they always put in my green room i don't know why because maybe because i look like a fuck boy they'll just have a case of white clawlaw. I'm like, who the fuck? I drink whiskey, man.

They're like, no, you don't. Oh, yeah. You fucked with a White Claw? Yeah, last night. Last night, picking up my parents in the car. I got my brace on, and Leanne goes, come on, let's go get your parents. And I was like, cool.

I grabbed two Bud Light seltzers. They have great watermelon flavor. And the one I really love is the margarita flavor. I killed that. Do they sponsor you, though? Yeah, they do. They're amazing. They're under 100 calories.

They're refreshing. And if you pick up their summer pack, go to BudLightDeliveries.com, or you can find it at your local grocer. We do that read every time. Have you done Coors Pure, the organic beer? No. It's like nine grams of sugar?

No. It might be nine grams of sugar no it's like i it might be nine grams of uh yeah i think it's nine gram carbs which makes sense nine gram sugar oh dude it's all organic see like me i'm not a big beer guy though oh i'm a big i'm straight whiskey i'm a big beer guy i'm a big i'm a big alcohol guy i'm a big inebriant guy yeah you know what i just got a sponsor from and it's more like a here's the thing it's like we we've been in podcasting for a long time so we remember the days when it was fleshlights yes we remember the days when it was um like when a mattress was a big get you're not gonna get money but they're gonna give you a mattress you're like oh fuck yeah and that was

like that was like that was like uh under the table money my favorite one is el blunto what's that can i just give a shout out to the el blunto guys and see if they can maybe sponsor you guys maybe theo's not the best guy for them to sponsor i have a million shows though el blunto so they sent me take a look at that the humidor they sent me blunts in a humidor and they were like hey man for the podcast you know and they engraved it with burt cast on it holy shit and i have blunts and so what's really cool about a blunt is a blunt is like a slow rolling weed hit and it's fun man it's like light a blunt and then just enjoy it and then let it go out that was snoop taught me let it go out if you like for me snoops i'd let him go out

he fucking sucks through them but like smoke it talk it, talk, have a good time. If it goes out, light it again. Yeah, it's like a gentleman. Yeah, and I'm ready for the, like, El Blunto to get into podcasting. I love that alcohol just got into podcasting, where you get these, like, Buffalo Trace was the first one. Yeah, correct.

And I was like, and I remember getting Buffalo Trace and going, wait, this is actually good. And like, it's amazing. Buffalo Trace is, yeah, pioneer. I mean, one of the staples. Old ass bourbon yeah great and i love that you know uh there were all the all the the seltzers the beers i love that

where the sponsorship's going because that's part of what we all do on a podcast to get fucking wasted it's getting mainstream for sure well i remember we lost the sponsor toyota uh got in remember this gen toyota got in and you know you don't know the reach you get there and and i was like oh toyota sick big deal but i'm reading it and us pitching their podcast on toyota cars and i'm when i tell you we couldn't get through the read me and brian could not get through the read i was like if anyone wants to listen to this shit podcast and we're just roasting the shit out of toyota Toyota's like dude you're fucking fired man we can't use this shit wait burn I did a podcast read one time there's like this is when we were doing podcast reads in person so I think we only did like four in-person podcast reads

so you can find this read I think it was about home security and it was like did you know that 99% of the people who get broken into get murdered and it was just like but i forget what the read was but we were crying laughing and he goes these numbers are terrifying and we could not get through the fucking read and then they were like yeah they dropped you guys as a sponsor chin do you have that toyota i'm pulled it right now play this i mean i'll give it to nick right dude when i tell you we couldn't we lost that it was a huge deal we lost the deal we that's happened before like when we had uh before we're on it we're trying to find a supplement sponsor and we met we met with the guys we met with the guys from quest nutrition so me and brian are there pitching them and everything's

like the people that make the cookies yeah so we we were gonna sign this huge deal huge deal with them so i'll sit around like, we're good to go. If you guys are good, we're like, yeah, it's a free deal. And they're like, we're just waiting for the president to cut. He should be here any second. And he walks in, he has a toupee on. But like the worst toupee you've ever seen. It was black and shiny.

And all I said is, I go, man, I got to set a hair on you. And I can tell the employees are like and brian can't stop laughing the guy sits down and we're laughing so hard brian has tears in his eyes and the ceo goes i'm sorry you guys keep laughing am i missing something and brian goes oh my god it's brian goes oh he made a stupid joke it's we're making fun of the doll over there and the guy picks up we're laughing at his hair and the deal got fucking shot in the room. He's like, you know, I think we're going to go a different direction. And I was like, I don't give a fuck. You get this, the commercial?

Listen, this is us trying to get through this read. Hey, B. Yeah. You ever just sit around while you're scrolling through some of your podcasts and go, you know what, man? Toyota just isn't a car company. They're not. I say that all the time. I go, what else they are, though, you know?

You know what they are? They're a new podcast called Toyota Untold. I did this read. I say that all the time. I go, what else they are, though, you know? You know what they are? They're a new podcast called Toyota Untold. I did this read. I did this read. Listen to this. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

It's the worst podcast of all time. What the fuck? How dare you try to go on my train? Fuck you. You guys want to listen to the podcast? Oh my God. I'm like, B, come on. We got to get through this.

I can't. He's like 15 grand, dude. He's like, we got to get through this. Pay me. Pay me. Hey, Brian. This is going to be tough to get through. Let's do this. Hey, who gives a is going to be tough to get through. Let's do this.

Hey, who gives a fuck if we fuck it up? You ready? You ready? Hey, B. What, Mike? Fuck. All right. You ready?

Yeah. What's up, buddy? Damn, bro. You know what, man? What's so funny? buddy? Damn, bro. You know what, man? What's so funny? You look funny, bro. What? Why are you laughing?

Hold on. Let's restart. I can't do this. I'm fucking... Oh, my God. What a terrible podcast. You can't do it. No, go on.

Let's keep... All right. I'll get serious. Let me try to read it. A couple of bros. Hold on. You ready? You ready do it. No, go on. Go on. Let's see. All right. I'll get serious. Let me try to read it. A couple of pros. Hold on. You ready? Ready?

Yeah. Hey, B. You know what? One thing I'm noticing a lot. I can't look at you. Hold on. Okay. All right.

You ready? You just answered the question. Yeah, go ahead. Hey, B. You know what? Wait. Did you put this whole thing in the podcast? Yeah.

You put the whole thing in the podcast? Oh my god, they must have been fucking livid Oh, we lost Yeah, we lost the deal Hey, B, you ever just sit around? No, no Hey, you want the worst podcast on planet Earth? You try this

If you thought Toyota cars sucked, they're trying to get into podcasting. I'm going to ask you to try this laugh. All right. Yeah, we lost the deal. I remember the read. You want to hear the story about the guy that got locked in his car?

Yeah. In his Toyota Tundra? Yeah. I remember the read. I did a bunch of those. It's funny. Sometimes you'll fuck up a podcast read, and we were doing a hard seltzer read, I forget

who it was for, and I fucked it up and I said they had.01% alcohol, and Tom started crying laughing, and I was like, what? It's so funny, and he goes, you know how many you'd have to drink to get a buzz? You'd be like, I cannot have more iced tea in my fucking...

And then I was like, but I'm a bad reader. Yeah, me too. I struggle with reading. You might have overhydration before you got drunk. Yeah. Yeah, who is this guy?

This guy's got a relationship. He's looking for some relationship advice. Is it David Goggins? David Goggins. It's Keegan-Michael Gandhi. Keegan-Michael... Ooh, you know Gandhi used to lay with women

and lay with young girls in bed until his dick got so hard it would bleed? I did hear that a couple years ago. I added the end part, but... with young girls in bed until his dick got so hard it would bleed i did hear that a couple years i added the end part but i was saying yeah i don't know it's blue balls people were trying to cancel gandhi a couple years ago yeah people were trying to cancel gandhi and by the way i think he i i think he was like he should have been cancelled like you know you know hitler has got to be like i wasn't all that bad i mean if you've fucking gone like hitler's the king of cancel culture he started it yeah i read a book about hitler here's the problem about reading

if you're stupid is you take in information that maybe you shouldn't have and then all of a sudden anytime anyone brings up any fact i just chime in like they're like you know we're starting to lose the population of bees and i'm like you know hitler's dad was a beekeeper it's like okay like you know he had a dog named blondie and they're like why are you trying to humanize this guy i'm like why i'm just trying to you know i read about you know he was vegan uh this guy is looking for some help with his relationship i just got a little debate club slash relationship advice i'm here at the beach right now yep so you're absent having a good time i was just curious what your thoughts of dumping a girl from a chick that is not interested in your hobbies.

Whether it's good to give up your hobbies if they're not into it or end the relationship and keep your hobbies going. So my hobby, example is thank you definitely be in this beachcomber that's a weird hobby tons of shark teeth out here cool hobby uh in maryland oh wow he just found it hang on it's just giving me a lot he had that in his pocket or my whole life i've looked for sharks my whole fucking life i grew up in florida and i have stared at my toes as I walked through the sand, hoping one day I'd find a shark's tooth. You've never found one?

Never. And I fucking, what, 26 years I lived in Florida? Never once. And here telling me, he goes, and my hobby is, oh, here's one right here. A fucking tiger shark's tooth. And it was a black tooth. Yeah, and it's clean. I did this to my daughters one time.

I did this to my daughters. I got to fucking send you this video. I did this to my, keep playing the thing this to my daughters I gotta fucking send you this video keep playing the thing I'm gonna send you this video my hobby for example is definitely being this beachcomber I think for him you gotta hear the end tons of shark teeth out here

in Maryland and it's just giving me a lot of exercise I can get my good tan going. Down over 100 pounds right now. Used to be the thick boy. What? Now I'm kind of getting into that rip boy. No shit, I see your cock.

Yeah, I see the buzz buzz. Yeah, I see the veins. Jesus Christ, bro. Jesus, man. First of all, he is down 100 pounds. Don't lose any more, though, dude. I know, you're good. You're all set dude mission

accomplished look you can see the vein he's got that day he has the dick roots he has the dick roots is the dick roots dude that is fucking yeah i i think the biggest thing it's like if it with the hobby it's like are you combing the beaches nine to five like is this all you fucking do it's kind of like stevie in video games when he's like yeah man my girl said i played too much video games like well that's fucked up and he's like well i do play 14 hours a day i'm like well that's a problem yeah it's funny i i don't i was just talking about this i don't have any hobbies like i don't have a hobby like because i when i worked at travel channel the president lorraine ong sat me down and was like so what are your

hobbies and i went i write jokes she was like no that's what you do for a me down and was like, so what are your hobbies? And I went, I write jokes. She was like, no, that's what you do for a living. And I was like, I do videos. She was like, that's what you do for a living. I go, I write scripts. I write books. Like, I don't like. She's like, again, that's all work, Bert.

Yeah. And I don't have a hobby. I've never had a hobby. I don't really have hobbies, no. Oh, I couldn't. I can't imagine having a hobby. Working out's not your hobby, right? Is working out a hobby or is it a fucking. No, no, it can't be a hobby. It can't be. Is that, Is working out a hobby or is it a fucking... No.

No, it can't be a hobby. It can't be. That's not a hobby, is it? I thought... I thought a hobby would be like... Oh, your cars. You like to fix up cars. I don't touch my fucking car. I pay people to do it.

I don't know how to work on that fucking machine. Your lawn. I mean, yeah. I mean, again, I also pay someone to do that. You like shoes? That's a hobby? Yeah, I guess collecting shoes would be a hobby, right? Yeah. I mean, again, I also pay someone to do that. You like shoes? That's a hobby?

Yeah, I guess collecting shoes would be a hobby, right? Yeah. I don't know. I mean, yeah, then I have a hobby of collecting shirts because I wear shirts a lot. Yeah. Yeah, I don't have like a hobby. Like, I'm not making fucking model cars or something. I took up leather making.

Okay. Like leather. Here, I'm sending you this video. Who do I send it to? Do you see on Airdrop Nick's MacBook get get this guy's dick out of my face yeah wait so wait so like when rogan picks up hobbies i i'm always suspect of them because i'm like like how like i go how what is going on with your brain like can you just write jokes all day like i can write jokes all day and not really do anything else and I think

I'm always curious why Rogan does that because I go do you have an addictive personality though no just alcohol just everything I'm addictive personality but you're not addicted to like fucking leather making or the here's the thing everything turns into

everything turns into a business so I start making i make a fanny pack and then i go i bet i could sell these yeah oh shit it's gabby reese she's calling right now yeah who's that are you serious laird hamilton's wife she's gabby reese hold on a second i'm doing a podcast right now so you're on the air what's up i'm checking on how you're doing oh oh i'm good okay i'll give you a call when I get done. All right. All right.

Hey, you know, I'm performing at Florida State. I'm performing at Florida State in October. Okay. Never mind. Okay. I mean, did you think I was calling to talk about, like, getting together on a Saturday night? I'm, like, your boring person.

I'm your boring person. No, as soon as you said, how are you went of course it's recovery Gabby's going like you need to polar plunge oh she's a good person oh Gabby's a fucking oh she cares about your health yeah she's a good person if you need anything call me and I hope you have a great podcast alright everyone check out

Gabby you want to promote your podcast real quick no goodbye so it's not all about marketing out Gabby. You want to promote your podcast real quick? No, goodbye. It's not all about marketing, Bert. Gabby's fucking amazing. She was a champion volleyball player, played volleyball at Florida State and while at Florida State, signed a huge modeling deal

and was on MTV Sports, co-hosted MTV Sports back in the day. Met Laird Hamilton, fell in love. They have, I think, three beautiful daughters. They live in Hawaii, half sports back in the day um met laird hamilton fell in love they have i think three beautiful daughters they live in hawaii half the time in hawaii half the time in malibu those kids are x you know you know who you know how you know them is uh every you ever go to joe's uh podcast and have the yellow coffee with the turmeric oh yeah that's them oh yeah their super foods are fucking amazing they're like super oh they're dude they're amazing and by the way that's a testament

to how good of a person she is. She does not call to promote, does not call to ask to be on a podcast. Just calls to go. You're like, am I Florida State? She's like,

I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. Like, how's your arm? And you know that she's literally like, hey, we're going to be in Malibu. Why don't you come and rehab with us? Oh, wow. Because they're all about,

they do this pool training, which I was trying to get Tom to do because it's- With his arm. Yeah, and so- Now, did with his arm yeah and so did you did you rogan says did you fuck up tom's arm when you put it back in place rogan's that i did no i didn't every doctor says i did the right thing every doctor said that was the right thing to do well dr drew but he counts yeah he counts uh no he i didn't i by the way i maybe i did who fucking

knows but surgery affects it all well they're At one point, they were going to turn it back around regardless. Right? I mean, no one was going to let it live like that for the rest of his life. And they say that the quicker you turn an arm injury like that, the less nerve damage you do have. And they said going in that there were... Sent it, Nick. Yeah. All right, sweet.

So now that we're talking about this this tiger uh tooth hunter right and by the way if there is karma i definitely had the karma by fucking up my arm and now having to go through surgery i have so such empathy for anyone who's gone through any fucking injury that i go i would have like like dudes that have been paralyzed that fight back i'm like i couldn't do it i'd put a gun in my mouth so so that you see that guy in the video collecting tiger's teeth? As a dad, you're going to love this. And I wouldn't be shocked to be borrowed this. So I'll let you zoom forward.

I'll tell you when to start. Do you travel like fossils or something? Right around here. Right around here. So we're in Florida, and we're looking for shells, and we can't find any good shells. And my girls are very young, and we're looking for shells, and we can't find any good shells. And my girls are very young, and I decide to go to the store and buy some high-end shells and plant them around the beach for them.

Dad move. Super daddy move. Super dad move. And watch the look on my daughter's faces when they find a shell. Hit play. Yo, I found a T-Rex, too. Look at my daughter. Watch.

Right here. Ready? I put the shell under my foot. No wonder I'll hold your hand. And then I'm like, I think I found a t-rex to look at my daughter right here Ready, I'm here. I put the shell under my foot wonder. I'll hold your hand and then I'm like I think I found it now watch the look on my daughter's faces when they come up with a shell here you get it Oh my goodness look at that. Oh My god, I feel another one I want it! I want it! Hold on! I want it! I want it!

It's under my foot, George. George, can you dive down? I'm not good at diving. Are you ready? I'm not good at diving. I miss this little girl. Okay, go. One, two, three.

Let's hold my hand. Watch the look on her face. Did you get it? Did you get it? Oh! Whoa! They're identical. What kind of animal lives that I'm right that a

goal to the exact same how old are they now 17 15 look at them look at them look at that shit right there that's dad move ultimate dad move it's the same exact show yeah don't you wish you could freeze them at this age like it my son's Right there. That's dad move ultimate dad move. It's the same exact show Yeah, don't you wish you could freeze them at this age like it my son's one-and-a-half now He's the cutest fucking thing in the world. You're good. You're good. And so I Freeze I didn't plan it. Well, you know what? I'm gonna freeze them. You know what? Not a weird way, but like I wish I could I mean it breaks it like I Had a big award thing and for uh was that the improv yeah i get the email for it yeah for variety and uh and i i had my daughters come because i

we're doing a big q a and uh and i thanked everyone and then i got to thank my daughters and you just think of like you know the amount of time we spend on the road as comics and it's work and but today is work and and everything's work but you get a struggle because you miss some shit yeah and you all but you also your work is attached to your dream like your dream is to is to is to be able to sell tickets and be able to do bigger venues and and and and get a netflix special all the all the things that you're attached to dreams it's also a job but it's a it's like a goal and and a lot of times your family, ultimately, I'll speak for myself. Pays the price. Pays the price. They're the ones that pay the price.

Yeah. And so to go back, I go back and I get very emotional when I think of like, I should have just canceled the Cincinnati Funny Bone and spent more time with them at the beach. Yeah. Because the way my brain worked, and it was because I was broke and I was panicking, and I would go to the beach. We'd go to Florida and I'd say, all right, uh, I guess dad can be there Monday or Tuesday. I'll fly on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, I'm

leaving Thursday to go do press and I'll be gone for the weekend and I'll come back. And so they spent, you know, a week at the beach. I only spent three days with them at the beach. So I think, I think that was definitely partly to blame for me going, they're not finding any shells. Fuck it. Let's make this speed up. Dad's got to leave on Wednesday. Let's go to the store, buy fucking $50 worth of shells, plant them all over the beach, and then watch them get shells. And then one day they're at a fucking slumber party,

and their friends are like, hey, did you ever see what your dad did with that shell thing? And you're like, huh? And then your daughter, they play it at a slumber party, and your daughter sees it and then calls you. And you're about to go on stage at the West Palm Imp she goes hey i go what's up she goes uh i just saw that shell video and i was like because you post it when they don't have youtube and you're like yeah she's like why would you do that you're like so you had a great ass time with dad and she's

like it was a lie and you're like i mean take. Yeah. And then you go up on stage and light up a few Puerto Rican chicks. Spend the night at a strip club, talking to strippers going, so what did your dad do wrong? But what I, what I've done now, I think the pandemic may realize this. Like I used to three,

four weekends out of the year for four years straight. And then, you know, my first kid, I, it's not that you just like if you're gone for four days when they're like six months old and you come back they're they've changed saying different words she's speaking fucking spanish i'm like what the fuck when i play football i'm

like who the fuck's talking football she's all dave i'm like who the fuck's dave so the thing is is now who the fuck's dave but now we don't have an uncle dave but now uh because the pandemic we realized that i was at home like full-time dad non-stop now i only do two weekends a month like there might be a a chance i'll do a third in there if it's like a one night or something back but as far as full weekends it's the beginning of the month end of the month and that's the way it's structured now see so i don't miss too much see you're very lucky and i think i look at like you rogan tom burr all these guys that are very lucky to have been established had a little bit of established career while they were having a family and be able to make shot calls and be like i'm not doing sunday no i get it i was man when i had kids i was doing it was 1300 bucks a week at the improv jesus christ i would get i 20 offers, and that was my money for our family.

I had to pay for flights, hotels. That was your rent. Yeah. And so I didn't have an option. I would say, I remember going back to the times when they were babies, and they wanted me to read a book. And I would just think, I'm fucking you up if I'm sitting here reading your book. I should be working and trying to make money for us,

because I need to make sure we can pay for Christmas. I remember being a broke dad going in for christmas going to toys r us and seeing other dads filling their cart and me and my wife looking at it and my wife's like we can afford this and i remember just fucking feeling it was like the lowest you ever could feel is like you go i can't even like my daughters don't know they're not getting the christmas they should get and by the way my daughters don't know they're not getting the christmas they should get and by the way they were just they're probably more happy then in all honesty agree then when you go you're 16 what car do you want and they just and then they and and then they're like i don't i don't need a car and you're like what the fuck like i finally have money let me get you the fucking next day

i get an uber yeah and they're just like i'm good it's hey, it's Kevin. KFC. He sent in a topic for us. Ooh. I love KFC. Is it about talking in his sleep? Yeah, that video is creepy. We'll watch that after this. Hey, what's up, boys? Brendan, congrats on Thick Boy Networks.

Bert, congrats on The Machine. You guys are both killing it. I got one for you for Debate Club. It comes straight from Answer the Internet. I got one for you for debate club that comes straight from Answer the Internet. Would you rather every time you get in a car, you've got to fight a chicken to the death, or once a year you've got to fight a chimpanzee, but you get a sword? Oof.

Oh. Now, I don't care if you give me a fucking gun. Chimpanzees probably rip my face off every single time. Correct. But every time you get in the car, whether you're driving, whether you're a passenger, whether it's an Uber, your car, your buddy's car, you got to fight a chicken to the death. Ripping its head apart, breaking its neck. You got feathers everywhere.

You got a dead chicken carcass in your car. Kids. I'm loading my two kids in the back. Yep. And meanwhile, it's a chicken massacre. You got a dead chicken carcass in your car. Kids. I'm loading my two kids in the back. Yep, yep. And meanwhile, it's a chicken massacre. Pecking at my eyes and clawing me. Now, he's never going to kill me. I hope a chicken can't kill me like a chimpanzee could. But part of me wants to take my chances,

train to become like a killer swordsman, and fight this monkey. Maybe do some pay-per-view shit get on showtime with brendan kfc versus a fucking chimpanzee with a sword that would be a hell of a pay-per-view by the way that would be yeah the chickens man it's just too much of an inconvenience i'm going chicken dude before you answer i'm going chicken because a i'm gonna beat the shot thing every time and kill it and then you have you have chicken breast to eat yeah you have fucking chicken wings every day like think of all the chicken you'd have oh dude well first of all you get very comfortable killing chickens that's my wife like it's very simple you just grab them by the head and like this like there are people

that kill chickens every single day like to eat there that's a real thing but it's too mundane i'm not gonna by the way when he started this, I thought he was going to say, every time you get in a car, you got to blow in a straw to make sure you're sober enough for it to start. I was like, I'll take that. I'm going chimpanzee sword, though. No way. And I'll tell you why.

Love to hear it. First of all, pay-per-view number is going to be through the fucking roof. Marketing. But when they see how I kill the chimpanzee. How are you going to kill that fucking chimp? It's a slow roll. I'm going to be through the roof marketing but when they see how i kill the chimpanzee how you can kill that chip uh i am gonna i'm gonna it's a slow roll i'm gonna i'm gonna slow roll this so i'm gonna start sword by the side he he won't really understand what the sword is and i'm gonna i'm gonna just sit there until he finds his way to me and i'm gonna slowly befriend him you know like you've seen in the movies yeah they like grab your nose and to the point where i

put my arm around him and everyone sees it coming. And I pull the sword up and I just gently put it on his chest. And he's like, what's that? What's that? And I slide it in. And everyone goes, he trusted you. He trusted you. And you turned on him.

And then I'm going to fucking pull the sword out. Oh, dude. That's pretty legit. But here's the thing. You got to relive that trauma once a year oh I gotta do it every year? every year every year it's November 21st here goes Burt killing a

fucking chimp again hopefully this chimp realizes he's gonna fucking befriend him and then stab him in the heart. Year two they're gonna be like don't trust him don't trust him and the chimp's like huh? the trainers will be showing the chimp the video and be like no kill dude I had a chimp on my shoulders one time um for a tv show and he grabbed onto my ears and locked in on me and i remember

everyone laughed except for the trainer who was like whoa whoa whoa whoa no quick moves no quick moves yeah okay and i was like what's going on they're like all right we're all good buddy he literally grabbed onto my ears and i was like i was like that was scary and he's like you have no idea dude i was like what he goes the first thing they do is they rip up they bite your fingers and your genitals yeah and they just then they go for the face right and then they go for the face we had a i was on set with a baboon and it was it was like a chill baboon and the trainer was like just don't my number one advice a don't get too close you can get a picture yeah don't look at him in the eyes because then he thinks you're gonna challenge him he's gonna rip your face off i'm like okay cool and then so everyone's taking pictures of the champ and

he's got he's but he's cool he's like put his arm and then like an attractive girl comes up and his goes and dude she got the picture and then she tried leaving he kept grabbing her kept grabbing her just says this rock hard dick out like god damn how big was his dick pull up uh orangutan orangutan you said no i wish it was an orangutan baboon baboon dick i've seen baboon dicks never mind yeah it's like purple i've seen baboon dicks like purple kind of skinny by the way baboon dicks are always out yeah always out there was a video of those those big balls. I was asleep in a truck in Africa one time, and a baboon got in the truck with me, and everyone was laughing hysterically until it just started to attack me, and then it broke up really quick, but his dick was out the entire time.

Oh, he's trying to fuck. Yeah, I better have it. I better have that video. What's crazy about your iPhone is you can just go to the map and find all the videos in the places you've been like do you ever do that you go to the africa and you're like all right that was probably tanzania were you shooting i was in uganda were we shooting out there are you trying to die no look oh this is definitely it i guarantee you there's a baboon attacking me video in here was it a fight this is the baboon okay legit baboon yeah that's a baboon attacking me video in here was it a fight this is the baboon

okay legit baboon yeah that's a baboon right yeah fuck yeah am i saying it wrong baboon i mean you know the video should this was a fucking this is a fun show trip flip where you just went around the world part of your fucking cock off and get paid and it was such an unwatchable show like no one could watch it makes sense you're partying yeah i remember one time we were in a helicopter in new zealand and we were flying over this i think it's called glass lake or something and i said to the guy hey man i'm pretty fine is it cool if i drink and he goes no not at all i go what he goes i don't want a drunk person in a bubble with me in air and i went okay so i grabbed a like a water bottle and filled it up with whiskey hell yeah and we're flying over the lake and i'm drinking it drinking it and he we're all those heads that's

on and he goes he goes hey man there's a very close quarters i can smell your whiskey sorry and he goes i thought i asked you not to do that and i was like i didn't listen yeah i didn't hear you man yeah did you see they taped that dude to the fucking seat in spirit airlines they keep doing it spirit that's what you get but they keep doing it. It's Spirit. That's what you get. But they keep doing it. That's a very Spirit Airlines thing to do. Get the duct tape. That's what they keep doing with these unruly passengers.

I love it. I love it. Yeah, I like it. I think they should start by taping everyone to their seats, and you earn the right to get un-taped throughout the flight. Oh, that'd be cool. Yeah, you're like, I like going to the bathroom. They're like, hey, man, how about you put your shoes back on?

You're like, oh, good call. Yeah, good call. Can you un-tape me now? He's like, yeah, now you get untaped. But shout out to Kevin Clancy. Check out his One Minute Man and the Kevin Clancy Show. By the way, I love that he does that. Can I tell you?

Because I never have an opinion on things. Like, I don't because I always know my first opinion is an ignorant one. Like the Simone Biles thing. Simone Biles? Is it Biles? Yeah. See, I don't even say her name right. Bile if you if you're french i thought it was be lace i thought she was french for some reason oh her name's simone simone um i i had a hot take when it first came out and then you hear all the news and then your hot take turns and then you have another hot take and then that turns again

and then another hot take and then her aunt your her aunt died and then you're like jesus christ man i'm glad i didn't say a fucking word. Yeah. Because your first initial instinct is like, go. This is what makes champions. You know? Yeah. I doubled down on that.

Yeah. And then it came out. She needed medication. Yeah. And then you're like, well, that's not good. But then I was also like, it's kind of a PD thing, right? Okay. Okay.

See, see, I went from, you got to be a champion to like, wait, what? Hang on. What about Andrew Luck? What about Ricky Williams? And then I'm like, okay got to be a champion to like, wait, hang on. What about Andrew Luck? What about Ricky Williams? And then I'm like, okay, glad I didn't say that. Because those, yeah, champions sometimes do get in their fucking heads. And there is a thing called the yips. And I had the yips.

What the fuck am I doing? So I didn't say it. And then they talked about the Adderall. And I was like, okay, that's a little bit of a PD. And then I was like, ah, here's a PD. And then you're like, oh, but yeah, actually, I need alcohol and drugs to perform. So yeah, that makes sense. And then all of a sudden, they're like, and her aunt died. And you're like, okay, well, I wasn't drugs to perform so yeah that makes sense and then all of a sudden they're like and her aunt died you're like okay well i've been really tough so it's like it's dicey it's like and i also don't care enough about gymnastics

to really double down like i'm like all right i don't give a fuck yeah and you go hey man this is just her life this is also her life and like fuck it like this yeah but also get on the beam but i hear you yeah dude look yeah it's like to have a hot take, and Kevin's really good at having hot takes that are pretty insightful. I always respect people who can like like Rogan's good at that, where he's thought of both sides. Yeah, I'm not that guy. I think of the quick

funny side. Yes, that's why you and I get along. Whatever side has the most jokes to it, I just hammer that angle, and then I'm like oh, shit, I guess Meghan Markle's not that bad we've got one more King or Sting It from this guy coming at you with the King or Sting It I used to play high school soccer

with this dude and his pregame ritual was stroking the old salami without busting a nut and he swears that that upped his level of play by like an unfathomable amount so let me know what you think about that no-nut hitter. Gang, gang. Blue nuts.

Thank you, Ashton Kutcher. By the way, the guy looks a lot like Ashton Kutcher. A little bit. It's not funny if you got to point it out, right? I will say. So he's saying jacking off, but you don't nut just to get your testosterone up? Yeah. There must be something to that, maybe.

I just don't want to do it. I've had a couple instances where I got shut down right at the door, right? Sure. Where I thought we were fucking. Yeah. And it didn't happen. And then I just was like, all right. And I remember my body vibrating in both of those instances.

Like being like hyper, like, okay, there's something's going on with me. And then one instance i i think i just went and drank and walked around hollywood at like four in the morning and then when i think i jerked off in the ocean i was like i was like i gotta fucking like i respect you as a human being it's your body your choice i'm fucking gonna go my body my choice into the fucking gulf of mexico yeah i gotta release the hounds yeah i i i'm not a guy it's called uh jim norton does it it's called um edging edging not for me i'm not an edge that sounds like a form of torture yeah i'm not an edge i'm out no no no

as a matter of fact i've tried it a few times and then i just come yeah yeah yeah like i go i go and i'm not a quitter the only time i've ever done that is when my blood pressure is too high and i can't get through it and you're just like my dick's hard my hands numb i guess i can't jerk off in brazil this morning tried that really bad so sting it still hard hard sting biggest thing we've had on here i think is that it that's it my brother dude thank you for doing this man yeah i could talk to you all day dude i could do this all day i love i i love the podcast and i'm it's an honor to be a part of it so thank you yeah you're the best man and uh i mean you're selling a jigillion tickets but you're in denver my hometown oh yeah yeah yeah red rocks september 8th i'm at red rocks jimmy buffett's night before

night after and i have acquired mushrooms and i'm going to be doing mushrooms for the first time because i the last time i did mushrooms the girls were babies and i had a panic attack thinking what if i break my brain sure like whatever and they need me to survive but they're georgia's going to college next year we've got that paid for where's she going i was probably i'm trying to get her to go to boulder see you that's where i went i'm trying to get her to go to boulder yeah so so we're doing the show in red rocks and then and then me and the girls are going to take a look at boulder colorado state don't go to fort collins really um boulder and then university of denver these are my tour dates red rocks uh vegas on the 25th and then i hit the road hard october 6th montgomery augusta

i need to move some tickets in augusta i have a promo video already planned out for that oh i'm doing that uh i called you because that bud light uh event center outside of uh the at&t arena yeah san antonio was fucking amazing because i was i was on the guy was pitching out to me he's like burt did it there's a guy let me call burt it's funny shit and i'll tell you there's one in i think in fort collins and there's one in colorado i did an outdoor amphitheater that they had set up that it was amazing amazing. I'm sure it'll be more looser now, but they had it set up where everyone had their own little space. It was open, and it was one of the best shows I've ever done. Brian Regan did it the night after me.

Fuck, man. I would do amphitheaters in a heartbeat. Yeah, I'm excited. September 24th, 25th, San Antonio. Yeah, and Tallahassee. When's my Tallahassee date? I'm super excited to go back to Tallahassee. I haven't been back to that college.

God, you're all over, dude. Dude, I'm doing a two-week Florida run that is three nights in Tampa, three nights in Orlando. Hard rock. And then October 24th in Tallahassee. I'm coming home. The offensive coordinator just hit me up.

He's like, yo, you want to come to the game? And I was like, I was like, I have a show in Orlando that night, but I'm not, I don't give a fuck. I will throw so much money to get me to Tallahassee in the morning. Party my dick off. You're going to have to private it, huh? I'm flying everyone with me private.

Daddy's going private. Anyone that, by the way, this is how fucking gangster I'll take it. Just to go back to Tallahassee for my first football game. I'll fly everyone private. We'll go fucking party our dicks off and then fly back that night for the show. And then take the tour bus into Tallahassee. And I'm spending three days in tallahassee fucking hanging out god i'd love to do that with you i can't fucking wait just out of the show in dc dark constitutional november third my birthday birthday show and i'm running the new york marathon i haven't really announced

that yet oh damn yeah but it's my recovery i i gotta set a goal for recovery sick so i'm gonna do the new york marathon i just can't i'm, I canceled the show. I'm in for August. I'm in North Carolina. When's that? The 19th and 21st? North Carolina, August 19th through the 21st. And then La Jolla Comedy Store, end of the month. That's a Thursday, Friday, Saturday, the last month of August. I'm at La Jolla Comedy Store.

Tickets at thickboy.com or f-a-t-k-z.com. Burt, I fucking love you, dude. I love you too, brother. Thanks for doing this, man. Thank you for having me. girls let her instagram famous damn hungry like i'm fresh off keto seeing red like andrew santino every song i hit like the great bambino brennan ate the queso and the quesoritos but everything's gonna be fine hate on me i do not mind theo looking like the type of dude that got a pack of matches in his pockets at all times they sliding into my dms a couple of you tried but

couldn't beat him quit playing like nintendo d DS You don't want to smoke like Joey Diaz Meaning y'all edible Just got my eyebrows threaded and I'm feeling incredible Brandon's son hit me up He said it's too loud in the club Can you pick me up? King and the sting King and the sting

King and the sting Bee sting, rat king King and the sting King and the sting Got the bees in the trap, got the cheese on a string King in the sting, king in the sting, king in the sting Bee sting rat king, king in the sting, king in the sting Got the bees in the trap, got the cheese on a string.