The Golden Hour - Episode 15: Secondhand CTE

Episode Date: April 11, 2019

The guys talk meaty fronts, deepthroating catfish, Theo's first UFC, orgasms of the soul, beatboxing, Nicolas Cage starring in Facebook, dirtbike racing aunts, mudskipper aunts, The Fonz vs Tony Danza, Brendan, the Pepsi truck driver, Theo, the deaf cheerleader, the Saigon Suck Boys and much more!Robinhood - https://kingsting.robinhood.comTwilory - https://www.twillory.com/KATS Promo Code: KATSLearn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoicesSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I remember this one girl I met one time and where was that third grade no no no she's elementary school when you're still as an adult, and she had these breasts that felt like damn shit diapers. You know what I'm talking about? Shit diapers? Yeah. Like baggy? Well, they almost like you could mold them and they would stay that way. Oh, like memory foam tits.

Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty cool, man. But warm? But they were warm because they're attached to her human body. They're human body parts, tits. Oh. Well, sometimes when they're fake, they're cold.

Oh, yeah. That's the worst, man. That's the worst. I knew a girl who had a cold. One of the solutions they put into her tit was kind of cold. It was like, I don't know, it might have had a little bit of mercury in it or something, but it was a little bit lower than body temperature. She had that freaking cold taut off to one side.

Dude, I was running the other day, and there was just, this girl had them, and it was like two camel packs. You know, I can sip at them. She could just sip on her tit. It was like side. Dude, I was running the other day, and there was just, this girl had them, it was like two camel packs. You know, I can sip at them. She could just sip on her titties like this. Oh, dang. Yeah. With those Italian nipples, bro. Those long, those reachers, bro.

No, I had the tubes up, bro. Oh, yeah. Some Italian nipples. Oh, dude. She was melting herself, bro. I'm just saying, those Italian girls, man, they'll really, you know, they'll get there before they get there, bro. Them nipples will be, they're there before they get there bro them nipples

they're out in front sweet potato nipples no but they have nipples that are like four inches long and they'll be out in front like a sweet potato baby

really yeah man hey are you excited again no yeah bro so it still made no sense are you excited to go to your first UFC

this weekend I've been training at the house dude dude. Doing tiger rolls in the yard. I hope you get beat up when you go. I would shave your head. I meant to tell you that. I think they're going to pick on you. Uh-uh. You think? I would shave your head just so you fit in. Because you're going to stick

out. I don't want you to get bullied. I'll wear a hat or something. Good idea. I'm going to wear a hat. Yeah, I'll wear a hat or like a scarf. You're rooting hard for your boy, Dustin Poirier. Poirier, dude. The diamond, son. The diamond cutter. Holloway's about to get fucking cut, son. Yeah.

Holloway's that fool's gold, baby. You don't fuck with the diamond, dude. No, for sure. You want to bet on it? You got that. Holloway's that Kyivic zirconium, boy. He's about to get fucking sold at the mall for a couple G's, son. Holloway's a straight up.

He is, man. I watch some fights of his every day. Bonafide ocean killer. Dude, it's just so like every, it's just. Yeah, you can fight. Yeah. You want to bet on it? Huh? You're Poirier's boy. You guys from the same hometown. Yeah. Same homeschool. What, uh. I'll bet. What do you want to bet, bro?

I'll lay, uh. And you know I love Dustin Poirier. This is just A's and B's. Oh, yeah. This is black and white. Dustin, you know I love you and you're white. Well, and both of them are white, I think. Holloway could be Latino. He's definitely Hawaiian, by the way. Is he really? He's Hawaiian. He's from Hawaii, bro. Yeah, but Hawaiian.

What is it, dude? That's basically Western Latinos. The Mexicans of the island. Yeah. Some people call them water Mexicans. Racist, dude. Yeah, you're right. Apologize for my racist friend. And I'm sorry. But you might be apologize for my racist friend and I'm sorry and I also

but you might be right I like Hawaii a lot of good people over there okay so what are we talking about the shave ice as we call them oh yeah well there's a lot more to them

than just some product that they make you know true they're an indigenous people and they come from long histories of Native American culture

Hakuna Matata yeah that's what I'm saying yeah bro so what do you want to bet? I don't know. What do you think? I think you already have an idea.

No, I don't. Money's not that fun, is it? You make good money. I can't afford to bet it yet. You're out your goddamn mind. You could bet. Dude, you have money, dude. You have a money tattoo on your arm.

You have money, dude. You have money, bro. You've been doing like 19 shows in San Jose. Yeah, but not at that good of deals, man. You've been doing this. You've been making the money, man. Come on. What do you want to bet?

You want to bet a grand? A grand? A grand. That's crazy, man. Is it? But at least we have cheddar in the game. I'll go 40. I'll do 40.

$40? Yeah. I'd rather you just kick me in the nuts, man. That's not fun. What do you mean it's not fun? $40 is Yeah. I'd rather you just kick me in the nuts, man. That's not fun. What do you mean it's not fun? $40 is not fun? Put your money where your mouth is, dude. Yeah.

A grand. Let's do a grand. Uh-uh. I'll do... How about this? How about if... I'll do 50. Come on, man.

How about a kick to the nuts? Yeah, you already said that. No, I'm saying whoever loses gets to kick the other one in the nuts. Uh-uh, man. Yeah, that's not fun. Yeah, I'm saying whoever loses gets to kick the other one to the nuts. Uh-uh, man. Yeah, that's not fun. Yeah, then what if something happens to one of us and we get hurt? I know, then you can't have kids anymore.

Yeah, which I don't think I can have. You don't think you can have them? I don't think so. I mean, I haven't seen. Because you look like a stay-at-home dad. Really? Yeah, you dress like one. Oh, thanks, dude.

Just without the kids. Yeah, I got this new shirt, actually. It's a t-shirt. Oh, I like that. A little G-star. Raw. Yeah, it's nice, dude. I dig it, man. You're making bank now. What I got this new shirt, actually. It's a t-shirt. Ooh, I like that little G-star. Raw. Yeah, it's nice, dude. I dig it, man. You're making bank now.

What could we bet if you don't want to bet a grand? Five hundo. Five hundo. No, guy, what are you talking about? I'll bet you $50. I went up to 50, so either accept it or don't. Let's start the freaking show. I'm sick of doing this, dude.

Huh? $100. No way, dude. $100? You look like a guy that plays fucking sixth base right now. What fucking jersey is that you're wearing? King Sting, baby. Oh, it is? Yeah, dog. Let me see the back of that hitter. What's up, bro?

Oh, wow. What's up, bro? You got those new hitters, bro. What's up, bro? Cholo, you're going to jail, bro. I like that first team all first league softball, baby. Wow, bro. You look like a straight flexican right now, bro. You're fucking swag. I like fucking Manny Ramirez. Oh, yeah. Tranny Ramirez. Let me getican right now, bro. You're fucking swag. I look like fucking Manny Ramirez. Oh, yeah.

Tranny Ramirez. Let me get the chains out. Let me get the chains out, dog. You should put yours on so you look like a fucking tranny fucking Ryan Sandberg. You look like Rhinestone Sandberg, dude. You look like fucking horrible, bro. Dude, you look like. You look like the sexiest guy that comes to fix skill cranes that are broken at restaurants.

Bro, you look like the backup quarterback of an all-blind team. You look like a deaf cheerleader, bro. Go long. Who needs water? Go long. Are you there? All right, let's start this, man. Stomp on the ground so I know where you are.

Clap your hands. Don't throw the ball. Hey, bro, I'll say this, man. Stomp on the ground so I know where you are. Clap your hands over to the wall. Hey, bro, I'll say this, man. You know Joe. Are you guys going? It's fucked up, bro. Dude, every time a Pepsi truck, a delivery truck stops, you're the guy that gets out of it on the driver's side. Hell yeah, bro. No doubt.

You look like every soda delivery dude in America. Yeah, you're like, I'm just doing this as a side job until I open up my gym. Until I open up my gym. That's you. That's your every dude that's about to open up a gym, bro. Dude, you look like, when you go like this, you look like the third Nick Diaz brother, but with Down syndrome. Oh, whatever, dude. They call me Knock Diaz.

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Start investing. All right, let's do this, man. Let's start with some King and the Sting. Yeah, dog. That's our boy, Derek Poston on the mizike. Dirty Derek Poston's in here today, man. We're happy to have him. Dude, we call that the Dirty Derek Poston up in this bitch. We call that the ethnic corner.

Oh, that's the ethnic corner. Because Chin's in the corner. You got Derek, who is a mixed gentleman. Mixed gentleman? Black and white. Thank you, Derek. Black and white. Mixed gentleman, bro.

Okay, good. Sorry, mixed gentleman. And Chin is what? Who knows? He's not mixed. He's mixed with fucking evilness and Korean. Is he really? Yeah.

Oh, I see the Lord in him. He's that Han. They call him the Han. Oh, he's got the Han, yeah. You can only get it at Korean barbecue. What do you want, dude? We got our first submission from Matthew Moore. Matt Moore.

What up, Theo? What up, Brendan? We got punched in the eye. I'm just thinking, dating single moms. I would do it? What up, Brendan? We got punched in the eye. Dating single moms. I would do it, but daddy going to have to be with the Lord. You feel me? What you think?

Gang, gang. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude. Fucking touch me. Who was that, bro? What's going on here? Is that on the set of fucking Breaking Bad? Dude, is this at a Chief Keef social media meeting?

This was insane. Can we watch that one more time? Wait, why does one have a black eye? Bro, one is fully black. The other guy in a suit. And then one's just one black guy. He's just trying to fucking blend in. And that's in Seattle?

They're cooking up something. Yeah, dude. They got Tapatio and a couple grams on the table. These boys ain't playing games. Look at the back. It says Urban Street, Japanese, Chinese. Yeah, dude. They got Tapatio and a couple grams on the table. These boys ain't playing games. Look at the back. It says Urban Street, Japanese, Chinese. Yeah. Oh, they could be English as a second language teachers.

Oh, he looks like Bubba Sparks fell on some hard times. Oh, yeah, dude. Why does he have a black eye, though? Because he's fucking used to probably beating people's asses and also getting hit sometimes while he does it. Yeah, you're probably right, dude. Let's go. Oh, dating single moms. Oh, dating single moms?

You better come correct, bro. You better come correct if you're dating a single mom. They don't have time to waste. And you know they fucking. Are they? Yeah, because there's a kid to prove it. Oh, that's true. But they have responsibilities.

Don't waste the time, mom. She's going to have to hire a babysitter, maybe grandma, maybe auntie's going to have to come by and watch the kids. So don't waste time with a single mom. All I know is this. Somebody told me this valid deal outside of a, I was outside of a Howard Johnson once, and somebody told me if they'll smoke, they'll poke. So that's the thing. If you see a lady smoking, you know she's down to do a little bit of dance with your dad.

Oh, really? That's what I heard, yeah. Wow. Did a rapist tell you that? If she smokes, she pokes? No, it wasn't out in a wheelchair, though. Wow. Did a rapist tell you that? If she smokes, she pokes? No, it wasn't on a wheelchair, though. If she takes a breath, she down to fuck. I guess, man.

That's true. I mean, the guy, obviously, somebody told him that, and that's the creed he had lived by. But what are we even talking about? What are these guys doing? Single moms. Okay, first of all. Definitely king it, dude, because single moms are pretty dope. Because A, they have to be responsible.

Okay. So that means they're going to take care of you and the kiddo. That's a good point. So they're holding shit down. There's no drama. They don't have time to go through your DMs, go through your sock drawer, to go in the backseat of your car and find condoms. But you got to be honest with a single mom, though.

Don't come with the bullshit. No. Yeah, that's for women with zero children. That's for zero children women. Correct. And also, don't come in and be like, oh, let me see your son. Let me play catch with him. But hold off, bro.

Six-month waiting period. Six-month waiting period before you meet the little man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes you'll try to meet the kid on the second date, though. Yeah, like, why don't we bring the kid? You're a pedophile, dude, at that point. You barely know the mom? Yeah, get a friend, bro. Quit fucking with the kid. Yeah, like why don't we bring the kid? You're a pedophile, dude, at that point. You barely know the mom? Yeah, get a friend, bro.

Yeah, dude. Get a fucking with a kid. Yeah, don't move – and also a lot of times with single moms, you got to get – don't show up with a limp wiener. No, like I said, come correct in every facet. Because I'll tell you this. I spent some time with a single mom, and I was going through some stuff,

and this was right a couple years ago. I actually got electrocuted. I stepped on a cable coming out of a food truck. Sure. You don't show up at a single mile with a limp wiener, brother. They don't have time for that shit. There's already a male in the house that isn't fucking, and that's their

son. Yes, or their deadbeat dad. They need to get it home. You don't waste time with them. You can't go park outside of their house and cry about, you know. They don't want to hear about your problems. Too many electrons in your body and you can't get it up. Electrolytes, electrons, whatever, man. They don't care.

So yeah. King it. King it. Shout out to single moms doing the damn thing. Hell yeah. Our second submission is from Nick Rodriguez. What up? Nicky Rod in the house coming out of Jersey.

Gang, gang. Gang, fucking gang. Boom. Let's go. So I got a kick in the stinger for y'all. Cauliflower here. Am I getting laid with these bad boys on my ears? Or am I getting friend zoned?

Because I got fucking chicken nuggets on the side of my face. Let me know what y'all think. Gang, gang. Dude, he has the tortellinis on the ear. Oh, is that what he has going on? Same as me. I got the tortellini. Oh, yeah.

You got that ravioli going. I had two surgeries on this bitch, too. Dude, what'd they do with it? Nothing. Made it worse because there's really no surgery you can do for it. Oh, what do they try to do when they do the surgery? They try to reconstruct it? Well, when you're going through it, they slice it open, drain it, and seal it back together.

Oh, wow. It just keeps coming. It was a nightmare. The guy didn't know what he was doing. He didn't? No. Where was that? Here?. It just keeps coming. It was a nightmare. The guy didn't know what he was doing. He didn't? No. Where was that? Here?

Denver. Oh, yeah. It was a nightmare. Who would let somebody cut their ear open in Denver? Brennan's Showers, dude. That's right, bro. That's right, man. Fucking Barry Shawshank over here.

We need to open up your brain. That's what we need to do, figure some things out. So with cauliflower. If they drained your brain, it would just be a fucking smoothie i bet yeah it would be like a peanut butter mood yours would yours would be just like an empty coconut shell just nothing there yours would be like a fortune cookie there'd just be like a little note in there no yeah that's damaged that's black from from CT. So with Cauliflower, it's a conversation starter. It is.

That's a good point. Well, look, shout out Nicky, dude, out of Jersey. Everybody in Jersey is named Nicky, and I fucking love you not changing the script out there, dude. And look, man, if you got the ear thing going on, bro, I think it looks kind of heroic a little bit. It's kind of crazy, I think. Now, there's these shape things. You can get these, like, little shape things people are putting on their ears now that will actually, like, shape what that's shaping into. So you can shape it in, like, a little.

It doesn't work that way, but I hear you. You sound like an elf here. Yeah, you can do an elf here. Are you talking about on the set of a Hollywood movie, Theo? No, I'm talking about in real life. I don't think so, bro. Well, you could also wear earmuffs while you fight. You could wear earmuffs?

You could wear like those, like there's some real warm ones. What are those? Yeah, earmuffs, right? Earmuffs. Yeah, there's some beautiful ones too that would match with whatever you're trying to fight in. Or you could wear like a helmet or like or a hat that has long sides on it. You could do all that. If he's a fighter, wrestler, whatever,

depending on what job he goes into, A, when you're in a bar, no one's going to fuck with you. It's kind of like saying, I know what the fuck I'm doing. Don't mess with this guy. But also, it is a badge of honor. I auditioned for this show, shot the pilot for E! And my agent called me and went, dude, good news and bad news. It's a true story.

Good news and bad news. I go, all right, what's up? He goes, bad news, didn't get the show. Okay, that's terrible news. He goes, good news is what they do want to do is put you on botched and fix your ears. No. Yeah. He couldn't do it.

That's what he said? That's what he said. That's what he said. That's what you unbotched. Fuck them, bro. I know, man. Botched, dude. Botched, dude. I'll botch all those fucking clowns, bro.

Thanks, bro. They've never been through shit, dude. Thanks, bro. Those computer button punching fucking Muppets. I'll tell you this, dude. If you got ears, look, cut your fucking ear off if you don't like it, dude. Michelangelo style, bro. Yeah, you're New Jersey, bro.

Do it for your girl. Do it for your girl's shit. Yeah, do it for your girl. Cut your ear off. Show her your dedication. Hire a hitman to shoot your fucking ears off. You know what I'm saying? It's New Jersey, bro.

You know what I'm saying? Do whatever you want. Staple a fucking, a couple tortellinis, a ravioli to the side of your head, dude. Have the pigeons bite it off. Yeah. Or go to Newark and just fucking start yelling racist things and cut your ears off for free. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, bro.

Sleep with the fishes, bro. Put a little barbecue sauce and roll into Philadelphia. A couple brothers will bite your fucking ears right off your fucking dome, dude. Put a pepperoni on and walk in the streets of New York. They think it's a deep dish pizza. Yeah, bro. Prince King Street pizza, baby. Nobody will think that, dude.

That's insane. New York's insane. Do you have ideas or do things just come in your head? They just come, man. They just come. They just come. Do you even know what an idea is or what are you doing? It depends, dude.

I say King the Cauliflower. Oh, yeah. Dude, you're like a train station and then every now and then a Ford Festiva just fucking rattles through it. Just flies out, dude. You're like, oh, how did this fucking baby carriage get on the tracks? Okay? Thanks for hitting us up, dude.

Beat somebody's ass out there, Nicky, if you have to. Or not, because your ears should be good enough. Our next submission is from Barry Brady. Oh, yeah, BB. He's 17 years old from Ireland. 17? Oh, that's 50. What's the legal age limit?

They only live to 40. Got a quick question for you. For the boys over in the King and Sting. They're walking through a castle? Oh shit. King and Sting. Condoms? Gang gang, baby. Gang gang, Sting. Gang gang, brother. Sting, Sting. Sting, Sting, brother.

Dude, first of all, shout out these two dudes live in a castle, bro. When I was fucking 17. Dude, first of all, shout out these two dudes who live in a castle, bro. When I was fucking 17, dude, I lived at my friend's house in a spare room. Look at these guys. Dude, look at the – they're on the edge of that shit. I just figured everyone lived in a castle in Ireland. I mean, they don't have any roof on it, but still. Still gangster.

Yeah, how much a month is that probably, you think? 600? Maybe. There's probably a bunch of people living there. Yeah, that's true. And also, definitely haunted. And there's torture chambers in every castle, so you got to take that into consideration. First of all, castles, yeah.

Look, the problem with castles is you're not going to meet a lot of clean women. But you're going to meet a lot of cool women. But the other thing is there's no AC in those bitches. So it gets a little toasty in the summer. Yeah. A little cold in the winter. Yeah, that means everybody you know is going to be a Petri dish, dude. That means you're going to shake somebody's hand and have a fucking, you know.

Get the measles. Yeah. Yeah, you're going to have a bunch of, yeah, black plague, white plague. Red plague. Yeah. Don't stop there, bro. Yeah, it's like a curry restaurant. You can have every type.

I mean, it's insane. So that's the problem, I think, with castles, bro. But also, the only person who's living in a castle, his name's Nicholas Cage. Yeah. And how's that worked out? Pretty well. He's kind of killing it. Really?

Really? All his castles get repossessed. Facebook. He invested in Facebook? Or, I'm sorry, Face Off. Yeah, totally different. Face Off. He invested in Facebook, created Face Off.

No, he didn't. Yeah, he did. One of the original inventors of Facebook. Yeah, look it up. Look it up, Chin. What do you mean, look it up? Do you have a computer? I'm not saying think about it and guess.

Look it up. Nicolas Cage, think about some of the great movies he made. Gone in 60 Seconds. I'll tell you the best one, Family Man. Oh, dude, give it up. Don't fucking touch me. Great movie, though. So good.

Dude, how do you not watch that and go, I've got to get my life together? Yeah. No, you. Oh, me? Did you watch it? It's one of my favorite movies ever. I've watched it probably 30 times. That and Rudy.

We bought a house in Jersey. We've got two kids, Annie and Josh. I love the end, bro. I love when he gets the suit. Yeah. She's like, are you out of your goddamn mind? I'm going to spend $3,000 on a suit. He's like, I'm going to buy this suit.

Yeah. He just feels like the biggest ass. Everything he says, it's just so serious. God, it's a good movie. Did he or not, Chin? No. Yeah, he's on the board. Oh, there it is. Oh, wow, he was a co-founder. Well, he went to Harvard, too, and dropped out

with, oh, wow, that's cool. Yeah, Nicolas Cage lives in castles, and it worked out for him. But the thing about castles, a lot of bats. No thing. No AC, no heat, a lot of bats, definitely haunted, torture chambers, not a lot of hoes trying to be with no windows. You fuck it, everyone can watch.

That's true. Here's another rule. If there's windows, there's hoes, boy. That's a thing right there. You're on it today, bro. If there's smoke, they'll poke. And if there's windows, there's hoes, baby. I'm going to say sting it.

Sting it. Our next one is from Kizrek. Kizrek, that's his name. Oh, Kizrek. Yo, Theodore and Brandon, I got a king. Oh, Kizrek. Diodor and Brandon, I got a King of the Sting for you. Okay. Beatboxing.

Gang, gang, buzz, buzz, bitch. Damn. Damn, bro. Bro, that might be our new outro. What's up, Beastie Boy? That might be our new outro. Kiz Red, what's his name? Kiz Rick. Kiz Rick.

Kissing rectums. Bro, dude, that's crazy. How many lungs does he have? Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Yeah. He's dope, huh? Yeah, it seemed like he had asthma like in a trap house, bro. That's like the best shit I've ever fucking heard in my life, dude.

That shit was sick. Wow, dude. Everything went boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. He was dope. He's got that Silly Nelson vibe going on, bro. That dude is fucking straight drastic. He's the hip- Nelson vibe going on, bro. That dude is fucking straight drastic. He's the hip-hop fucking Willie Nelson, isn't he? Oh, bro.

This dude is fucking Wigger Central, and I love it, dude. Bro. Now, what happened with him? What did he do just now? He's saying King, you're singing beatboxing. Beatboxing, yeah. Probably, out of all the skills, it's a tough one to make money, you know? Yeah, that's the truth.

There's not really a circuit for beatboxing. I mean, usually if you do it, you're in an alley and then somebody beats you just because you hang. And you sit on a box. Yeah. You sit on a box. Well, also beatboxing, originally, they'd put somebody in a box and they would beat the fucking box and the sounds people would make.

Boom. Yeah. That's when you put the cat in the box. Oh, yeah, dude. That's a baby. Okay, obviously. That's a baby, dude. Okay? You have a cute little cat at home? That's your son.

No, that's a cat, bro. And ironically, your son's named Tiger. So, really. No! You've been watching too much First 48. I have. Yeah, bro. You need your watching too much First 48. I have. Yeah, bro. You need your fucking life together, man.

Quit making your son drink out of a water dish, okay? Get it together, dude. You don't know what a cat is. Dude, you're a stand-alone dad without kids. It's weird, bro. Don't judge my parenting. Let me do this impersonation of a cat for you. Dad!

Oh, there's the Down Syndrome Diz, brother. There's the Down Syndrome dance, brother. There it is. I have a limited range of motion in my neck. Dude, I want to say we're going to save that song right there,

Kizrek. And we're going to have to use that as an intro or an outro sometime. That shit is... Maybe a little boom, boom, boom,

boom, boom, boom, outro. Oh, yeah. It sounds like somebody with bronchitis is fucking bouncing down like a rocky cliff, you know?

And then every now and then they go, Eric, Eric, Eric. They say Eric, but it's like an old black woman saying Eric. Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric. Shout out to this guy. King it, bro. Keep doing it. I don't know how many girls you get doing that, but fuck it, dude. You don't need a girl if you can do that.

What? You don't need a girl if you can do that. What? You don't need a girl if you can do that. Dude, you do that enough, your fucking semen will fly right out of your body and start dancing on the table. You just play beats and jack off. Yeah, maybe don't do that. Or do and be awesome. What?

Bam, bam. Boom, boom. Boom, boom. Now, I'll tell you this. If you fucking sewed a couple jingle bells on your nuts or something. Yeah. And had that little trombone.

You know, that trombone. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, and just busting beats. Buzz, buzz. That's it for King of the Sting It Boys. Oh, word. Next up is Debate Club. Oh, yeah. Let's get into this shit, dude, because you don't know shit, you fucking.

You don't know shit. Call your mom to debate me, man. Dude, I need to go to the master who taught you. Really? Yeah, I need to go to the master. Dude, you look like a... You look like a lifeguard at a tanning salon, dude. Why would a lifeguard be at a tan salon? Dude, you look like you're an extra

on Eastbound and Down. Like, alright, just give us the wig. You're like, nah, I'm going to keep mine. Alright, that's a wrap. Theo will take your wig. You went, nah, I like the way I look. I'm just going to... I'm just going to live life like this. Oh, whatever, bro. Hey, dude, you got to drop off a couple cases of Pepsi down the street. Why don't you fucking get your dolly, bro?

Get your hand truck and fucking hit the streets, papa. Our first submission. Drop off Fresca. Oh, definitely, dude. Yeah, I look like that Fresca hitter. Oh, you seem like that guy. Who needs a Fresca? I love those.

What do you got, D? Our first submission is from Amanda Frick. Is there a cat? Amanda fuck? Hey, guys. Amanda here from Austin, Texas. What's up, white teeth? And I have a debate club topic for you.

I want to know if you guys had to spend the rest of your life with a woman who could A, never laugh, or B b never orgasm which would you prefer and i'm talking like no faking it no giggling nothing like which would your ego be able to handle love you guys gang gang buzz buzz what's up girl buzz buzz eric i'm gonna be doing that whole show. Eric. Son. Use your stupid button. Dude, they need to fucking change these batteries, man. They do? It's us.

No, they do. We have a staff of 97. A staff of 97. Everyone gets paid a dollar on this show. I'm sick of it. Fucking sick of it. So she was saying a girl who can't orgasm or she doesn't laugh. Go ahead, dude. Kick it off. I would say a girl who can't orgasm. And that't laugh? Mm-hmm. Go ahead, dude.

Kick it off. I would say a girl who can't orgasm, and that's pretty much most of my ex-girlfriends. That's the one you would pick? And it's not their fault either. And I'll say this. Nah, short dick game. No, dude. I have good dick, dude.

Shout out to short dick game. I just don't have the agility and the gamesmanship, I think, behind my wiener isn't what. No, you got that putter. I got that fucking, you know, I got that big baby Glenn Davis. You know what I'm saying? Like, he comes into the game every now and then, and he's a real hitter, you know? But then also, he's not afraid to, you know. But most of the time, not.

He'll also fist fight a dude over the counter at a Hampton Inn. Yes. You know what I'm saying? Or get caught slinging drugs. Like, just makes bad decisions. Well, or fucking awesome decisions. But just, you, but sometimes he just won the sixth man,

then the seventh man award, then eighth man, and at a certain point he won the 700th man award. And they just beatboxing. He wasn't even on the team. But I got... A girl who can come? What is it, D? A girl who either can't laugh or a girl who can't orgasm.

I'd say can't orgasm because I think she can find other fun ways to get that excitement and energy out of her body. Do art. Maybe do some art. Some face paint. Yeah, face paint. Paint yourself up like a... Gorilla. You know, yeah, or a cat that's in kindergarten.

Or whatever. The fuck, man? Well. Your Tourette's is crazy. I would go with, I don't care if a girl laughs. I'm not trying to tear on my girl. I don't give a fuck.

I don't need her to laugh. Just busting nuts, bro. Busting nuts, and she's having a grand old time. You're disgusting, dude. I am? Yeah, dude. You have a mirror?

You're the Glenn fucking, what is it, big baby fucking, bro. Yeah, bro. You got that putter for a dick. It's not a big deal. Bro, I'm that sand trap stallion, you feel me? Sand trap stallion.

I'm that fucking, I got that thick whistle, you feel me? You got that horned frog down there. Dude, if you drop my dick on to something, it makes this sound. Like a tugboat? Yeah. All right. But here's what I'm saying that's really important is this, dude. Please.

You're a fucking idiot. Please say something important. Okay. What is this lady asking about? Girl. God damn it. Remember the subject. What?

I have secondhand CT from you, bro. You've done nothing. You have CT from the sun. You have CT just from walking outside from the sun. Whatever, dude. You shake my hand pretty hard sometimes. All right. Here's what I'm saying is this girl, you have to have a woman that can laugh.

Laughter is important. Laughter is really orgasm of your soul. You know what I'm saying? It's just straight coming at it. It's basically sound cum. Preach. If you can make somebody just shake and make a noise at the same time, that's what laughter is. Yeah, but also you have friends, you know?

Laughter and orgasm are the same thing. You shake and make a noise. All right, fair point. So you're talking about the up top gasm, then that's laughter. You're talking about the low gasm, then that's body orgasm. You want that penthouse orgasm? You want that basement gasm? Yeah, right. What do you want?

I like that penthouse myself. Do you? Laughter? Yeah, I'm going with laughter now. You just said the other one. I know you convinced me otherwise. Yeah. Okay, wow. 64% people said never orgasm.

Good call, so we're riding the money, huh? Makes sense. The next submission for Debate Club from Quinn Donovan and the Saigon Suckboys. Oh, damn. Debate Club, Kentucky Derby or the Masters? Well, you're at neither. Would you rather go gang, gang, buzz, buzz?

What? The Saigon Suckboys? Dude, that's Nick. First of all, that's Nick Swardenson's fantasy football team right there. Very obvious. And they're clearly at, was that a cricket game? They're at neither. The Masters or the Kentucky Derby.

The Masters, dude? That is not the fucking Masters. Or Kentucky Derby, boys. You can't dress like that at Kentucky Derby. And how about the boy on the bottom with his tongue out the whole time? Just, ah. That's Nick Sorensen, bro.

That's Nick Sorensen's little dime sack right there. Dude. Play it again. What the fuck are these guys talking about? The Big Club. Kentucky Derby or the Masters? Look at the guy that just says nothing. Gang, gang, buzz, buzz.

What? I love these guys. I love these guys. I love these guys. The guy with the camera has to do this the whole time. He goes, yeah. And then he goes, yeah. These are the Saigon suck boys, and they're over there in Marrakesh, India. Dude, just paying a dollar to get sucked off while drinking Thai teas.

Just to put in a quarter in the mouth of a fucking young boy. Lady boy. In Vietnam, Malaysia to freaking pipe him off. What did they ask again? Jesus, these guys are fucking idiots. These boys are getting fucking foot massages and piped off for pennies, man. Pennies, bro. Saigon whore boys.

Bro, some of those countries you can just throw a penny in the air and some kid will run and catch it in his mouth. And just start looking for dick. Very, very sad. Shout out to third world countries. And second world and also places in America. They'll do it here too. Oh, you can find that in the Hollywood Hills. Oh, you go right up the street.

There's a strip club. Yeah. Kentucky Derby or Masters? Dude, Kentucky motherfucking Derby. You seen the hats and the tits at Kentucky Derby? And the drinks? On the horses, I've seen the tits, dude. No, you've seen the dicks on the horses.

Hey, horses, get your dick out of my face. You ever seen those horses, big old ding-a-dings? They got some real wieners. Yeah, we used to look at them up close, dude. My buddy had a whole stable, and we'd go over there and look at their wieners. They had some real wieners. Sometimes you could tap a little stick on them. Dude, you remind me of Mr. Hands.

Really? Who was that? Yeah, you'll find out. But yeah, fucking Kentucky Derby all day. Masters is so boring, unless Tigers play. I've been to the Masters, man. I was there one time when Bobby Weir won it, and he was Guatemalan or something. What were you doing?

He's ain't British. What were you doing there? Working? A friend of mine, I was there with a buddy of mine. I was working as a tour manager, and he's Guatemalan or something. He's ain't British. What were you doing there? Working? A friend of mine, that guy was there with a buddy of mine. I was working as a tour manager and he's from Augusta and next thing you know, I was at the dang Masters, dude.

I'll tell you this. They got ice cream sandwiches for $1.50 and you can't get that shit at a fucking horse race, bro. If I'm going to watch people run on, if I'm going to watch someone's steroids running around a track,

it's going to be a fucking Italian dude, okay? I ain't watching no dang big horse do it. That's fair. All juiced up. I'd rather watch 12 Italians on some deck of 7,000 popped up on some test 600 fucking race around the track.

Now, that'd be amazing. Where's that at? You got to get a point. It was called the Olympics, but I hear you. Right, but what I'm saying is this, dude. I'll go to the Masters all day, man.

You can chill out. Everybody has to be real quiet, and then somebody always isn't quiet and just yells something crazy. You think of the movie of fucking Happy Gilmore. Get in there! Get in there!

That ain't real life. Everyone's quiet. It's a real cock fest at the Masters. You go to the Kentucky Derby, it is bitches galore. Everyone's drinking, floppy hats, floppy titties, big dick horses running around. You're betting. You're making money. Fuck the Masters. Wow. But the Masters,

you get to watch women who you probably don't even like that much fall down when it's a rainy Masters, bro, and there's nothing better than watching nine chicks try to go, just try to get all the way to the end of a par five. Yeah, but nine warlocks. Huh? Nine warlocks living down par five. Yeah, but nine warlocks.

Huh? Nine warlocks living down the hill. Oh, they got some beautiful birds. Nah. They got some busted beddies. Not like that Kentucky Derby, bro. Really? Oh, man.

You've never seen that? Kentucky does have beautiful women. Yeah. All right, I'll give you this one. Yeah. Derby. 54% Kentucky Derby. Shout out to the smart people.

Wow, very close, though. And it was debatable, so good. Yeah, it was a good debate. Our next submission, from Lucky Schaefer. That's his name, Lucky Schaefer. From Chicago. What's up, guys? Greetings out here from the Windy City.

Brandon, I can't wait to see you back out here next time I bring the Rat King with you. Gang. A lot back in the state. Debate club question, though. Who would you rather have as a best friend? I'm going old school here. Tony Danza or the Fonz? Gang, gang.

Gang, gang, dog. Buzz, buzz, dog. You start this one, man. These are your kind of people, I feel like. The Fonz got on my nerves with that fucking leather jacket all the time. Hey, the Fonz. Get the fuck out of here. He wants to be the center of attention. I like Tony Danza, that fucking leather jacket all the time. Hey, the Fonz! Get the fuck out of here. He wants to be the center of attention.

I like Tony Danza, that silent fucking assassin. He seems fun, good dad, always in a wife beater, always had his house correct. I'm a Tony Danza guy. Yeah, I'll probably go Danza. I'll drop this joke right now. Did you guys hear what happened to the Fonz? His name is Henry Winkler, right? Yeah, he's in that show, Barry. Remember he would do, hey! Remember? Hey! You guys hear what happened to the Fonz. His name is Henry Winkler, right? Yeah. He's in that show, Barry.

Remember he would do, hey, remember? You guys hear what happened to the Fonz? He got AIDS. That's a joke I used to tell all the time. That's a joke you used to say? Yeah. Oh, wow. Pretty good one.

I mean, it's bad if you don't know it's a joke. It's unfortunate. AIDS. Yeah. And then I'd be like, AIDS. Zuh. I said zuh at the end. it's that's unfortunate hey yeah and then I'd be like aza I said they didn't care anyway but what I'm saying is this man yeah I go that I go Tony Dan's all day the guy was doing something Fonz is fucking running around with a ma in a malt shop Fonz never job yeah Fonz was just a fucking sexual

harassment way to have basically he's just a fucking sexual harassment waiting to happen. Basically, he's the original me too. Just trying to fuck everything. Yeah, in every room. Hey, where the girls at? All right, chill, bro. He seemed like a guy that had a stroke right after he learned the vowels, you know? Sometimes white. Tony Dan's all goddamn day.

Yeah, he seemed like a guy, yeah. He also created Alyssa Milano, so what's up? Yeah, and she fucking bothers anybody who has any fucking human instinct these days on social media. So I wish he would uncreate her. I'm talking about her back in the day. Oh, yeah, back in the day now. But now she's gotten pretty verbose, I think. Well, 68% of people went with the Fonz on this one, guys.

Who did? Who went with the Fonz? We need all their fucking names. He doesn't have a job, people. No, he never did anything. This the kind of guy you want to support? Who shows up on a motorcycle at a malt store? In a leather coat?

Yeah. That's a pedophile, dude. In a white shirt? He wore the same outfit every show? Yeah. For seven years. And look at his friends. Ralph Mouth, that guy.

Tom Petty. Fucking, you're out of your mind. Harley Davidson? You fucker. You're fucking out of your fucking mind, boy. The next submission is from Jeffrey Dahmer. Jeffrey Dahmer, come on down.

What do you got Jeffrey Popalon Jeffrey Popalon What's up Theo and Brandon It's Jeff Also known as The Kim Jong Un Of the Midwest

I got a bank club For you here You ain't lying What do you think Pizza bagels Or pizza rolls Let me know What you guys think

Gang gang Buzz buzz Buzz buzz Gangster Way to time it Kim Jong Un Shout out That is dope Yeah bro Let me know what you guys think. Gang, gang. Buzz, buzz. Buzz, buzz. Gangster. Way to time it. That is dope. Yeah, bro. Shout out to Kim Jung, Indiana, whatever that guy's name is.

Kim Jung, Chicago. Yeah. He timed his. He had pizza baking in the background, and the buzzer hit at the exact moment. Kim Jung deep dish over there, baby. Oh, dude, bro. I love this guy. Is pizza rolls or pizza bagels?

Listen, man, I didn't grow up with a ton of money, and pizza bagels were for the ballers. We called them the pizza Brentwood bagels. You can't fuck with those. Pizza rolls now, now they were cheaper, but if you're going to eat those, you need to wait about 10 minutes because it's hot lava in the middle no matter what. That thing was filled with magma. That thing was so hot. And I would be so hungry after school, I wouldn't give a fuck.

I'll take the third-degree burn, put that pepperoni lava on my mouth. Pizza rolls, baby. Oh, it's a hate crime. If you eat one of those too soon, and here's the thing with the pizza rolls, the outside will be frozen. You'll get it out of the oven. Even after you cooked it, the outside is frozen. Oh, no way this could be hot. You put it in your mouth, and basically it is a freaking dragon from the seventh layer of Satanville just spewing straight up.

It's like King Koopa. Fucking motor skeet right into your fucking brain. It's that Mario Kart level three King Koopa in your motherfucking mouth. It's like King Koopa busted in your mouth. Oh, man. It's like a firefighter with a hose full of fucking nut wash just came and just blasted you into oblivion. God, but you still eat them. And you still eat them.

So fucking pizza rolls, baby. Yeah, it should be a crime. This should be a class action suit. The interior mouth burn victims. It's a felony. It should be a felony. Damn, they're good. I'm going to go with the rolls. 64% pizza 64 pizza rolls though who fucks with pizza bagel pizza bagels i've never heard that yeah well don't

up next uh relationship advice gang uh first up from matthew gator oh gator boy what up brendan what up theo uh matt here'm up to some relationship advice. I spoke with my girlfriend four years ago, and I still have thoughts about her. Oh, yeah. She was my first true love. Do you ever get over that, or is that just something I have to part with? Thanks for the help in advance. Gang, gang, buzz, buzz, brother.

Gang, gang, baby. I like the ink, dog. And that guy. Four years, though. Mexico? Where's that accent from? Is he from Texas? Is that Texas? I think England, but close.

Thank you for sending in. This is a good question, man. Four years? Bro, I got my college degree since you've been thinking about this girl. What are you talking about, bro? The Sopranos. I started season one. That ended.

You're still thinking about this girl? What the fuck are you talking about? Move on, bro. Move the fuck. Fuck this girl. Dude, it's hard to move on when you live by bees, dude, that are stinging you. I'll say this, young fella. I think some of those, you know, that's called the ghost of Coxma's past, dude.

And you'll never forget a girl that you were in love with that you used to make love to. She must have sucked that thing. Oh, dude, I made love to a girl in a river, dude, or it was like a stream or something. And I'll never forget her. Which river? Do you know? Huh? Which river?

Yeah, I know exactly where the river was, dude. It was the Alabama River, you idiot. You fucked in the Alabama River? Yes. Dude. Yes, I have, dude. You just became my hero. Don't fucking touch me.

I didn't touch you. Yeah, you did, dude. Now, back to your hard-on story about fucking in Alabama River. And I'll never forget her, and she'll always be a part of my life. You think about her every day? I think probably once every two weeks she pops into my head. I'll see something or something will happen, and I'll be like, oh, that reminds me of her. So she's always going to be a part of your life.

Now, if you're making paper mache cutouts of her or in pinatas that look like her and filling them with cream and doing, you know. And fucking them things? Well, yeah, doing nasty with them. Then that's different. Then you got to tighten up there. But, yeah, look, man, I think just embrace the fact that you guys had some time together. It's for as long as years. Yeah, I wouldn't, when you see her, I wouldn't like pine.

I would just be like, oh, you know, it was so great that we got to spend time together. Or when you see her, say, let's run it back. Let's get that Masters. Now, that'll happen a lot. Now, you give things time. There will be other time in the future you'll be able to, you'll have chances to date again. You'll be amazed how many times your life's intertwined. Or not.

Or she's like, she moved to the States and she's dating a dude that looks like Theo and it's going to break your heart. So just move on and find another girl. And start fucking in streams, bro. Just start fucking in streams. Even ponds, lakes, the Cherry Creek Reservoir in Denver. Or just fill a cup up with wateronds lakes the cherry creek reservoir and denver or just fill a cup up with water and put it near your bed and fuck that works too but yeah just be willing good luck my man yeah be willing to do something good for yourself man get on that dating app and just start slanging bro yeah just start juggernaut and bitches yeah find chicks that

like honey bro and invite them over to the beehive, baby. Yeah, start bee-boxing and slanging dick. Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric. Up next, we got Shaitan Hall from Asheville, North Carolina. I've Shaitan'd myself before. Hey, Brendan. Hey, Theo. Gang, gang. Buzz, buzz.

Today is for relationship advice advice and I am just wondering I've been with a girl for about a year and a half now about to move into college and I'm not interested in moving into the same college

with her or in the same relationship with her I want to go in fresh so a lot of people have been telling me to break up with her

beforehand just wanted to get your guys' opinion on it what do you think hope you guys have a great one love your guys' opinion on it. What do you think? Hope you guys have a great one. Love your guys' content. Get your shows in North Carolina.

Seriously, either one of you. Have a great one, boys. Cheers, Shayton. Cheers, Shayton. Here's the thing, bro. What is the thing, dude? Here he knows the answer. He's like, I'm on a fresh start.

Dude, let me tell you something, amigo. When you go to college, you've never been there. He's white, but go on. You've never been there. Yeah. When you're at homeschool, there's not that many people to choose from. But when you hit that college- Whatever, they let us dress up like college kids once a week.

Well, that works. But when you get to that college campus, it is utopia for fucking. You don't want old saddlebags back in the old school town. Yeah, no. Dude, start start you want a fresh start you don't want those strings attached yeah bro and then here's the thing when you get back for summer you guys can still hang out yeah but while you're on campus you're a free man dude you're a free man amistad watch amistad pop some acid maybe a little molly just start fucking each other that's college amigo that is a crime and what i'm talking about is amistad. Watch Amistad. Pop some acid, maybe a little molly, and just start fucking each other. That's college, amigo.

That is a crime. And what I'm talking about is Amistad. You need to go watch a movie called Amistad, dude. It's about a young man that finally gets his freedom and learns what it's like to be free. Oh, no, that's Shawshank Redemption. You'd watch that, too. Well, Shawshank Redemption is more like a prison. It sounds like Amistad is about, I guess it's,

I don't know, it's like about boat travel or something. But what I'm saying is this, brother, is that you, the problem is you have to let her know this. It sounds like you know what's up. You know what's up, my smart brother. You need to let her know in a really, the best thing, because I went back in time. If I went back in time, here's what I did. I broke up with my girlfriend, and then I regretted it, and then I just bothered her on the phone like five or six times a day. I would call her, and I would cry sometimes on her answering machine,

and then she ended up fucking some guy in a parking lot. So for you, what you got to do is— Damn, broke Chin's heart. Did you hear Chin? Chin is hard. Chin went, oh. Oh, yeah. That happened to Chin.

Oh, bro, well, that's, I mean, basically— That's life, baby. That's the plot of Dances with Wolves in Vietnam right there. Yeah, it is, dude. So I'm going to say this to you, whoever you are, young man. Dude, you young, bro. You could die and probably come back to life. That's how fucking young you are right now. Six lives. Yeah, dude, you could go to jail for murder,

please, manslaughter in the second degree, probably get eight years. Double jeopardy. Yeah, be out. You could have killed somebody you don't like and still not even be 30 yet. You got time. Here's something you can do for yourself, Bucko, that might help, is just be loving the way you presented to her. Look, I love you.

This is what's going on. It's going to be really, really tough to deal with. What can I do to help you deal with this best? Because she's not going to be fucking stoked about it, dude. Or she is because she's like, you know what? I'm going to the University of Alabama. I'm about to let these Crimson Tides train on me. So yeah,

we should probably break up. We should probably break up. About to get that dick Saban, you feel me, bro? Yeah, baby, that light Saban. Oh yeah, that fucking Bent Richardson, dude. You feel me? So here's what I'm saying, dude. Ah. That fucking Dark Ingram, bro.

He about to meet some real brothers over there. So let's say this, young lass. Or what's his name? Sham? Shayton. Shayton. Shayton Hall. Like Seton Hall.

Oh, that's cool. So yeah, man. You got it, bud. But I think, you know, you could also say, hey, let's meet up every month and spend time together. You know what I'm saying? Nah. Not every month.

Every summer. Maybe fall break. Spring break. This is the love of his life, dude. No, it's not. He's already like, dude what I'm saying? Nah. Not every month. Every summer. Maybe fall break, spring break. This is the love of his life, dude. No, it's not. He's already like, dude, I'm going to get there. I'm going to do my own thing. What should I do, fellas?

Oh, yeah, you're right, man. He's already telling us. Yeah, well, what the fuck, God? But you're all so young, so maybe for those four years, just slay as much dick and do as much drugs as possible. We don't know how much dick he even has. Does he have a dick? Do we even know what his life is like?

Dude, his name's Shaitan Hall. Hell yeah, he has a fat cock. That's true, dude. So, dude, slang that dick in college. Do all the drugs you want. Get your education. And then when you come back home, you can recoup, you know, and see maybe if there's something there. I love how get your education is Brendan's fourth thing to do at college.

Dude, college. Yeah. It's a hoops up. Brendan showers over here. It's a hoop-a-lop, bro. Brendan two-riversb over here, guys. Knows two rivers in America. I'm sorry I didn't fuck in the Mississippi River.

You think you got your master's degree? It's the Alabama River, you freak. Either or, bro. All right, next up, Rip My Drip. The first one coming from Adam, a.k.a. El Diablo from Topeka, Kansas. And how is Adam spelled? Is that A-T-O-M or A-D-A-M? A-D-A-M.

Oh, damn. Don't break my achy, breaky fucking heart. Zoom in on him, Chin. What are you doing? Zooming out? Let me just guess what he looks like from far away. Oh, wow. Beautiful guy.

Damn, he's in the, okay. I'm not mad at that denim top now. Oh, it's an autograph, too. That jacket's been signed by someone. Can you zoom in on that signature, please? Oh, it's autographed too. That jacket's been signed by someone. Can you zoom in on that signature, please? Oh, that looks like Kenny Chesney.

It looks like Kenny Chesney. That's a Kenny Chesney signature and those are some Michael Jordan Hanes with a fucking little Adam El Diablo cock hanging out the front. Oh, yeah.

This guy. Oh, that cocaine. On that iPhone, bro. That's swaggy coke on an iPhone. Oh, damn.caína. On that iPhone, bro. That swaggy coke on an iPhone. Oh, damn. That's uploading that software, brother. I like it. That's that devil's dandruff on that iPhone.

Here, dude. Let me fucking... I'll do it from here. Oh, boy. Dude. I'll fucking do that shit from here, dude. I'll fucking balance that shit on your nuts and do it. Yeah, bro. Fucking DM me some cocaína, boy. Dude. I'll fucking do that shit from here, dude. I'll fucking balance that shit on your nuts and do it. Yeah, bro.

Fucking DM me some coca-hina, baby. Oh, dude. I'll fucking balance that shit on a fucking kickball and do it, bro. I don't give a fuck, son. Dude, this guy looks like he likes to party. You know what? He looks like he's going to snort all that coke and do all his laundry, though. Yeah, that's it.

That's what's going on here. Yeah, this guy. This isn't a lot. He's going to get a little high, a little drunk, and do a shitload of though. Yeah, that's it. That's what's going on here. This isn't a lot. He's going to get a little high, a little drunk, and do a shitload of laundry. Yeah, he is. First of all, he's in a laundromat.

He's in his underpants. Suds and duds, baby. Oh, yeah, dude. He looks like... He looks like... Yeah, bro. Oh, I always have to think of something? You never have an idea.

That's an example. You just said he looks like. You know what the problem is? You know how I know you're a drug addict? Because you're zoning off, staring at that fucking cocaine like a psycho. He looks like a... I was making sure nobody was taking it, dude. No, you were drooling, bro. You were drooling.

And you know what? I'm going to report this to your PO officer. Yeah. And I don't think you should be around these drugs or this dick. This is your fucking show, dude, that you brought me in. You're the one putting this in front of me. I didn't put this in front of you. Someone else selected this.

Well, first of all, this guy. Talking about Jason Aldean? Yeah, dude. Yeah. This does look like Jason Aldean, doesn't he? He looks like Jason Allmean. The fucking laundromat doing cocaína. I bet he washes the shit out of a white tee, though, to be all honest.

Oh, bro, looks like he's chasing all dope, bro. This dude is obviously trying to get high as fuck, dude. He's got some toot. He's got a cigar. He has a hat on. The Miller Lite badge. This guy fucks, bro. Does he fuck?

Yeah, he's a 90s cocaine. He looks like he's in a Howard Johnson or outside of one. Who's he fucking, though? At this level, you're fucking... He looks like he has Slim Jims in his pocket. He looks like the type of guy that has Slim Jims. Yeah, it looks like he definitely does Slim Jim the suppositories, the little capsules. Yeah, bro.

You know that Terry Yucky, bro. Oh, yeah, brother. And what's his problem, Chin? Yeah, what? Is he bro. Oh, yeah, brother. And what's his problem, Chin? Yeah, what? Is he sick? Oh, drip? Oh, this is drip. Listen, doing laundry is a bummer. I like his attitude.

I like that he has drugs there. I like that he dressed up for it. I like that he has alcohol there. I like that his cell phone's there so he can fucking do a line and read the comments. He's doing laundry. And then read the hate. They call it doing laundry, bro, and I like it. Yeah.

Shout out to fucking Jason Aldean for sending one in, though. Yeah. Shout out to Garth Cooks, his brain cells. Next up is our own, the beast thing, man, Brendan Schaub. Oh, my God. What is this, Brendan? For fuck's sakes. You know, bro, going out on a Saturday night.

To where? To the Philippines. To an Aerosmith concert, bro. Got a problem with it? I'm going to Aerosmith this week in Vegas. Are you? Yeah. I'm going to stay awake.

Just to hear you breathe. Dude looks like a lady. You like him, Chin? Yeah. Chin loves Aerosmith. Chin, you like Aerosmith? Of course. You want free tickets because they're back on tour and it's 2019, Theo.

He started bragging. Dude, I got tickets to Aerosmith. I went, cool. Can someone give them to you? Because it's not 1992. You think they're going to be old, man? Yeah, bro. Really?

You're batshit crazy if you think they sound anything like they used to. Oh, come on, really? Why? Hey. They're going to be awesome, bro. Janice got a gun. What is she going to do? She took a little bitty baby and turned him like a little thing.

I feel like we're better than they are. Yeah. But that's why I dressed up like that. I was a... I don't know that one. Are you okay? Are you okay? Yeah, man.

Oh, wow. I saw the veins in your neck. Because I'm Aerosmithing Yeah, man. Oh, wow. I saw the veins in your neck. Because I'm Aerosmithing, you fuck. Oh, wow. Yeah, won't you pipe up a fucking couple of grams of your area on a fucking gram day and get the fuck out of here, bro? Dude, I'll go to that concert, bro. I listen to real music, dude. I've never ever bragged that you're going to Aerosmith.

Dude, I got tickets to Aerosmith. Fuck yeah, bro. Did it come with a fucking hot tub time machine in 1997? You going to watch Mrs. Doubtfire afterwards? I see what you're doing here. You're trying to distract us from the fact that you're a cross-dresser. You fucking creep. I'm an Aerosmith groupie, bro.

Really? I dress up because I knew they're in town. I'm trying to hang out with the boys. You look like enough. Dude looks like a lady. Yeah. Yeah. What did her daddy do? What did her daddy do?

What did her daddy do? Well, man, we could sing that whole fucking album. Down, down, down, down, down, down. Oh, what do they sing? Down. Loving and I love my time. Yeah, they get some hits. Dream on, dream on, dream on, dream on.

That's not it. That's it, bro. We hit it, bro. It isn't it. We're like calling notes. Calling smokes. If I could see it, then I could do it. I don't know that one either. Bro, you look like...

That was R. Kelly, you fucking idiot. Was it really? Yeah! Oh my God. If I could see it, I can believe it. I believe I can fly. You fucking moron. You're not going to see that at the concert, bro.

That's why you bought tickets. You thought you were going to see I Believe I Can Fly. No, I didn't. And Nick was like, I can't wait, bro. We should bring our fucking Space Jam jerseys. You fucking morons. Dude, first of all. Either way, I'm a hot fucking chick, dude.

Dude looks like a lady. I look like fucking Mrs. Doubtfire if she did all the D-ball. You look like Brandy Snapshot off of fucking Instagram, bro. You look fucking horrible. You look like Enough McKagan. You look like a shitty drummer for fucking Guns N' Roses.

I look like a backed-up drummer for Motley Crue. Do you look like Jeremiah Watkins is who you fucking look like right here. Don't fucking touch me, bro. People are starting to call the blonde Adam Ray, bro. That's who you look like right now. You look just like Jer Wat, they call him.

Oh, fuck, dude. I look like the ultimate power bottom, baby. You look like Lisa Cantro. That's who you look like in this, bro. I look like Friends if they made a transvestite version of it. Yeah. You look like Franks, bro. A bunch of ladies trying to hide their fucking cocks in their dress.

All right. Let's keep it moving. That's a fine-ass woman. We got one more. Rip my drip. Miss Mackenzie Morris, 25. Yeah, just get my face off this thing, Lord. Oh, thank the Lord.

I'm sweating, dude. Mackenzie got them meaty fronts. Mackenzie got them one, two couple gobblers at the front, them Cadbury eggs hanging, bro. Oh, yeah, man. She looks like a classy lady. Dude, am I fishing right now? Because I see a motorboat in the future, you feel me?

Get your tackle box, Benny. Get your tackle box, Benny. Am I fishing right now? Because I see a motorboat in the future. You feel me? Get your tackle box, Benny. Get your tackle box, Benny. That's some nice tits. That's some nice tits. After staring at my ugly ass, that's some nice ass titties. I almost said this after being trapped in a room with seven men for no reason. It's a cock fest in here.

And after you thinking that Aerosmiths with R. Kelly, this is a nice, you know what? This is a fresca. She's a nice that Aerosmiths with R. Kelly, this is a nice, you know what, this is a fresca. She's a nice fresca. Ice cold. Yep, and she's got a nice necklace. She has, her arms look nice. Nice smile. She can look both directions. Look at each picture, she's looking a different direction. Pretty cool. Makeup's done well.

I like the fit. I like the outfit. Yep, and you see she cares about herself. She really takes care of herself, and that's Mackenzie Morris. She is all natural because them things are real, real nice, baby. Can you tell us a little bit about her, please? She didn't send much. She sent this picture. Oh, okay.

She's killing it, though. It has a lot of outfits in the back, it appears, a lot of choices. She wants her drip ripped, apparently. I wish they didn't give you recess at school. Really? I wish they didn't give you recess. I need Really? I wish they didn't give you recess. I need a break. Next.

Thank you, Kenzie. Next up. Kids, this is why you should stay in school. See what happens when you play kickball until you're 34? Dude, you didn't stay in school. See what happens when you play freeze tag with your mom growing up? What else you got? Next up is my aunt.

The first aunt is Auntie Virginia. Auntie Virginia, 100 years old, lives in a retirement home. She's fully sane, but she speaks her mind and she can't hear very well. Oh, sounds like my dream. Be taken care of every day,

live in a place, get to play board games, unlimited desserts. Bunch of friends. Low sodium meals. Bunch of pills. Oh, yeah. They just toss you in the pool

with your friends. They change you every dayunch of pills. Oh, yeah. They just toss you in the pool with your friends. They change you every day. You shit your pants whenever you want. Well, you don't have to. On call, shit your pants. No, you can't. I wouldn't. You could, though, and they'll change you.

No one cares. People care. Jenny shit her pants today. Cool. So did the rest of us. People care, dude. And then you go in the pool, bro. Every time I drive by an old folks home, I say, oh, man, I really think to myself, I

care about those people. Really? I honk my horn and laugh. Really? Oh my. Yeah. Because they're doing well. Because I'm like, damn, that's going to be me one day.

And I hope it's me and you. That's not why you do it. And I hope it's me and you in there together, bro. I hope we're like grumpy old men. Hey. Don't touch me, bro. Hey. Don't touch me, bro.

Don't fucking see me. King, king. Hey, you know what? Chin, what the fuck is? Chin. Hey Don't touch me bro Don't fucking see King King Hey you know what Chin what the fuck is Chin Chin's still gonna look Exactly the same I know

You know this though right You know this You're gonna be The ugliest Older man we've ever seen You think Oh my god But that nose

What's wrong with my nose That nose and your ears Are just gonna grow And you're just gonna Fucking look like The bad guy Yeah but you look like Shit just going to fucking look like the bad guy. Yeah, but you look like shit now. You look like the bad guys off Smurfs.

Really? Yeah. Look, I admit, I might not be a fucking dime in my senior citizenship, dude. Shit. Dude, I'll buy a nose off of somebody. You're a six now. You're a six now. As you get older, it's five, four, three, two.

Shout out to fucking Aunt Virginia, though, bro. Yeah, but dude, your brain condition is going to get so much worse. Dude, it doesn't matter. You're going to shit your pants and they feed me and push me in the pool. I'm talking about the next two years, though. I'm fine, bro. Yeah, that's what they all say, dude. I know.

That's what they all say. These people die all the time. All your fucking Brock Lesnar's dead. You still ask for recess. Who else died? You still ask for recess. Brock Lesnar, Coco Beware, All these motherfuckers died, dude. You're gonna... I'm fine, dude. No one

asking for a hall pass as a grown man. Just go to the bathroom. Yeah. Derek doesn't have any hall passes. Dusty Rhodes. All you motherfuckers died, dude. You're dead. I'm dead? Yeah. Dude, you're dead. Inside. Already. No. I'm way more alive inside than you are. No, bro. Rotten.

Rotten. Nope. No worms here, boy. Up next, more alive inside than you are. No, bro. Rotten. Rotten. Nope. No worms here, boy. Up next, we got Grandma Mamaw Honey. Well, show us that, bro. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. In her 90s, her favorite thing to do is the dishes, and she's from Shreveport. Wow, that's racist.

The favorite thing to do is the dishes, and she's an LSU fan. And listen, chill out on the crosses behind you, lady. First of all, she's looking for the Lord. She got that real. Well, I think she found them. I admit she got a lot of crossery in the back, but I'll say this. Too many. When you have that many crosses and an LSU blanket in your age

and her favorite thing to do, the dishes, you don't think she drops the N-word every Tuesday? Like it's fucking happy hour? As soon as 5 o'clock hits, oh, N-word time. Yeah, but if you're a senior citizen, I think you can kind of use the N-word from 5 to 7 p.m. 5 to 7? Yeah, that's fair.

You got to wait for the sun to go down at least. And you can't do it on your porch. Yeah. No, it's an indoor word these days. If you're in a hot tub, you can do it. Yeah. So I think, but also she's an LSU Tiger fan. You got to respect that. And they should have a section at LSU Games for people that use the N-word. They just have to sit also she's an LSU Tiger fan. You've got to respect that.

And they should have a section at LSU Games for people that use the N-word. They just have to sit at the N-word section. Just one section. And you can only drop the N-word at halftime and overtime. Yeah. What do you think, Derek? I love that. You know what I mean?

Right? It goes with the band. Da-na-na. Hey! Go! Da-na-na. And then everybody yells at all the racist people. Yeah.

Just to get it out. Just to get it out. It's like, yeah, it's like the purge. Oh, yeah, they should have an exorcist where people say the N-word. And it's like they show up and just get it out of them. Yeah, like that gay guy who's like, I don't like men's anymore. I don't like men's anymore. Yeah.

I don't be buying nothing from no bitch. I don't want no beds, Bobby. Oh, God. Up next, our third aunt. We got Aunt Jane Mulligan. Aunt Jane. Yo, Mr. fucking steal

your... She works at Home Depot in the gardening department. Bullshit. She loves to make candles and decor soap as a hobby. Oh, beautiful. I love soap making. She's very into dirt bike racing, and she breeds Yorkshire Terriers. She works at Dome Depot, bro.

She got that headpiece there. You don't want to get in a headbun contest with this auntie. I would. Also, you don't want to drive by and see her on that Excite bike and a fucking turtleneck. Oh, yeah. That is so gangster. It's hard to rock that a fucking turtleneck. That is so gangster. It's hard to rock that style of turtleneck. I used to work at Outback Steakhouse. Actually, I got a job there

and then I got laid off because of a woman who looked just like this lady. Complained about your face? Jane Mulligan. No, she complained that I was using a fake ID to work there. She said it was wrong. What a whore. Let me work though, bitch. You got a turtleneck on. You got that fucking standard great clips cut. Let me do my thing. She ended up being a cop. She didn't even care about the damn Bloomin' Onion as much as I on. You got that fucking standard great clips cut. Like, let me do my thing. And she ended up being a cop.

She didn't even care about the damn blooming onions as much as I did. And I needed that job. She went off to be a cop and ended up shooting some people. Is this the dopest Ann of all time, though? She does dirt bike racing and fucking starts gardens and shit. Yeah, she's in the dirt, man. She's either riding on it or she's planting in it. She can do 360 backflips.

You know what they call her? Mississippi mud shark, baby. She's a mud skipper.. You know what they call her? Mississippi mud shark, baby. She's a mud skipper. Oh, yeah. And that's not a racist term, Theo. I know it isn't. I know what they all are. Yeah, Mississippi mud skipper is an actual type of lizard.

Yeah, I don't do it. I've never said that, dude, and I've definitely been racist before. A mud skipper? It's a real lizard. Derek's looking at me weird. That's a real lizard. Whatever you say, man. I swear to God.

Yeah, whatever you say, guy. You seem pretty racist right now. Okay. I just want to be clear that that isn't... The guy who told you had a clan with you on? Yeah, be clear that you're racist, dude. Who told you that, huh? David Duke? That's an animal. Look it up, champ. Paula Poundstone, huh? Michael Richards? Dude, there it is, bro.

Giant mudskipper, baby. Got them DSLs on it. Look, they look exactly the same they look exactly the same same eyes bro same nose same lips bro would you get a bullfight bikes would you get a blowjob from a fish if it took its teeth out if it was like a grouper like a big grouper and i was in the water like the mississippi yeah or like a catfish i always thought about this like you know people just stick their hands in deep throat catfish? Yeah. Yeah.

Figure it out, bro. Oh, I feel you. I'm sure somebody's figured that out. Oh, yeah. There's another animal right there. She doesn't look like the animal. They look identical, and you're welcome. Jane Mulligan, first of all.

Shout out to the mudskipper. Yeah, shout out to Jane Mulligan, Aunt Jane. She seems like she... Someone put a turtleneck on that mudskipper for Yeah, shout out to Jane Mulligan, Aunt Jane. She seems like she... Someone put a turtleneck on that mudskipper for me. Thank you. She seemed like she'd give you fair change if she worked at a

convenience store and you went in and paid for something. Yeah, I like her. And I respect that. Shout out to her turtleneck. Shout out to her haircut. Shout out to this episode.

We're done. That's it. Boom, boom, boom. Dude, good shit, brother. Where you at? What do you got coming up, bro? I'm going to West Palm coming up.

Love West Palm, man. End of April. Pretty excited about that? I'm going to West Palm coming up. Love West Palm, man. End of April. Pretty excited about that. I'm going to Aerosmith. I'm going to lay awake. And then I'm going to the Dustin Poirier fight this weekend. UFC fans, I beg you, don't beat up Theo because of his haircut. He's a good dude, and it's his first fight.

What do I wear? I don't even know what to wear. Just nothing. Just wear your underwear. I could wear my King of the Sing jersey. Oh, do it. Would that be weird? No, not at all.

It's brand new. I never even put it on. Yeah, dog. Good luck at the fight. Should be with our boy, Rogan. Yeah. That's going to be fun. Errol Smith, have fun.

I will. Report back. Report back. And pick me up a tour t-shirt. I will. They have popcorn, too. Pick me up a shirt, bro. Pick me up a shirt.

I'd appreciate that. XL. Thanks. Holler at your boy. Okay. End of this month, I'm in Pick me up a shirt. I'd appreciate that. XL. Thanks. Holler at your boy. End of this month, I'm in Phoenix Stand-Up Live. You were just there. So I'm at Stand-Up Live 26-27 this month. And then I'm off to Tampa next month. Tampa Bay Improv,

baby. Tampa Improv. Then Cleveland. TFATK.com for tickets. Yep. Thank you, Derek Poston, for being here with us today. Helping us out. I'm sorry for anything Theo said that offended you. I'm sorry for anything Theo said that offended you. I'm sorry for anything you said that offended everyone. And I'm just

sorry to the viewers. Appreciate you, brother. Yeah, I appreciate you too, man. Take your son to the vet.