The Golden Hour - Episode 176: Reasons Not to Do Crack

Episode Date: May 27, 2022

The guys talk Erik watching all of Brendan's fight losses, blackout drunk stories, not drinking around drunk people, nasal spray addiction, Theo's butt staring past, chopsticks vs forks, being broken up with vs being the one to break up, weed laced cheetos, hitting on girls at the gym, California raisins and much more!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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You could feed a funeral party. wedding party you could feed a funeral party go to hellofresh.com slash king 16 and use code king 16 for up to 16 free meals and three free gifts it is highly encouraged to voice the following hello fresh tagline america's number one meal kit praise god you meet somebody you connect it's cool but right but as soon as you can, get on the phone. Get on FaceTime. Go out for coffee. As soon as you can because how many times have you met somebody that you started or been talking to sometimes for months?

Yeah, all right. You know what I mean? Yeah, I feel you, dude. This guy right here seems like a nice guy. What's up, cockbags? Well, there you go. That was perfect timing. You ever met this guy?

Oh, I'm the dumb one. You can't argue. There's something about me. You have no idea what you're saying. Gang, gang. Buzz, buzz. I went to an in-person audition today. It was the first time in like a couple years.

It was crazy. And what was the audition for? It was the first time in like a couple years. It was crazy. And what was the audition for? It was for some, to be a host to some cooking show. I don't even know what it was. It was like some funny cooking show they're trying to do. But I was just like, it was like so weird to be like around people. And they still have some, some of these like Hollywood places still have these like dog and pony show protocols. You know what I mean?

Yeah. But I'm saying they still got like, oh, you have to wear a mask here. Really? Yeah. It's really annoying. places still have these like dog and pony show protocols you know what i mean calls yeah yeah but i'm saying they still got like oh you have to wear a mask here and it's just like yeah it's really annoying because you've been doing most uh auditions on zoom yeah we do a lot of zoom auditions and zoom meetings and zoom but daddy's getting work i'm trying i'm trying man i'm out i'm out here in these streets because i still enjoy the business i love the chase man i really do i i actually love the audition process. I love getting that email and then they're like,

oh yeah, you got to go to this thing or do a self-tape. Then you do the self-tape and then you go, oh, they like you. Then you get to the producer session. They're like, all right, they like it. Are you going to test? I like all that process. It makes me feel good. Let me ask you this. You do all these auditions. You've been in workaholics, all

sorts of crap. If Hollywood was like, hey, man, we're going to book you as a series regular for the next six years, but you can't do stand-up, would you do it? Ooh. It would depend on the money. All about the money. I'll only say that because I'm 50. You understand what I'm saying? So it would just depend.

But you're going to be, what, 51 then? Yeah. I think you could do it. See what I'm saying so it would just it would just depend but you're gonna be what 51 then yeah i think you could do it see what i'm saying this is this is i do man this is what i have to deal with what do you mean i'm saying bro i'm trying to be supportive dude you got him you don't know anything luckily that wouldn't be a real thing so i wouldn't have to worry about it you know that's a very real thing yeah tell them yeah come on believe in yourself man you've been all sorts of no no no i'm saying it's not a real thing. They wouldn't put that as stipulation. You gotta watch the Mighty Ducks.

You know what I mean? Yeah, you gotta watch Rudy. You gotta watch the Mighty Ducks. You gotta watch Rudy. Remember the Titans? Yeah, remember the Titans. Forrest Gump. Blindside. Forrest Gump. I don't even know some of these things. Amistad. Crazy Carpenter. Amistad. Bloodsport. Ooh, Bloodsport. I don't know if Amistad. Bloodsport. Ooh, Bloodsport.

I don't know if Amistad and Bloodsport should be in the same thing. That's not the same genre, y'all. We're trying to use some motivation, dog. It's been done before. Yeah, babe pig in the city. You got to watch something, dog. You got to get your chakras up, bro. Batman Returns.

Come on, dog. Your chakras sound loose, dog. Sound real negative right now. Negative? Yeah, bro. Batman Returns? Come on, dog. Your chakras sound loose, dog. Sound real negative right now. Negative? Yeah, bro. Don't use that. You got to be careful, too, because you get too Hollywood, they come calling for you. That cancel culture comes for you.

Don't get too big. Don't be one of these negativers. Yeah. Yeah. Easy. I don't like how he said errs. Yeah, my bad. Don't be one of these negativists.

That's what I meant, dude. And I'm also saying that Chin. Chin dressed like a little, Chin dressed like that call girl tonight. Oh, damn. No, he looked like it's 1990s boys to men look. You know what I mean? Chin's spicy with that cardigan. Where'd you get that, Chin?

ASOS. It's just a website yeah chin looks like definitely man you look like you could be uh the hottest man or woman at like a uh pop concert somewhere singapore front row yeah it's definitely it's definitely a k-pop concert or or there's a creepy vibe like dr chin kvorkian right does he think yeah you look like a therapist a little bit oh or he could be like an asian mr rogers you know what i mean yeah he comes in hello children Welcome to the neighborhood. What'd you say? Now, Eric got a splash of racism.

I know. I don't know. Is this when you were around Theo? You know what I mean? Oh, bro. No, no. That's the block coming out finally. Racist towards Asians.

I know. I'm just saying, bro. Like I'm at his store, and I'm like, why are you looking at me? Yeah. I feel sorry for your mother. What the fuck you saying yeah that'd be look good i like it thank you yeah it looks nice jen i'm a little down because uh we on the show i called uh it's called fight night flashbacks we decided to watch

just my losses it was brutal you came and you said you've seen all the many of times you said you wake up and when you watch them which hurt my feelings didn't say that you kind of said that i've seen them. He said anytime he's feeling a little down he wants a little pick-me-up. There's only four. You can watch the wins. Ten wins, four losses, or whatever.

But I had Erickson in full time, and I haven't seen him. I've never seen the losses. Really? That's the first time you watched? Really? No. Why would you watch that? That'd be like somebody filming you bomb on stage. Let me see that again. Yeah.

I'm all set. Can I tell you something? That is exactly what you're supposed to do. Because then you look and go, oh, I see why my body language was wrong. I didn't say the joke right. Oh, I see what I did wrong. You're telling me right now that you didn't look at your losses? No. Well, that's what

my coaches did. Did they? Probably did. But what are they going to do? They didn't hype them up to be like, hey, let's not lose to another box and another right hook. Yeah, let's not rock a guy and get overzealous and get hit again. You're right. I'm so mad at your people. I'm so mad at your people. I am furious with his people. I was mismanaged.

He was mismanaged. He was mismanaged. He was not coached properly. Eric, don't say that. But here's the next. But see, you're like. It is? What are you talking about? It's true.

Eric, you're looking at the glass half empty right now. He didn't even watch the fucking losses. Of course he's going to get L'd up after that. He took some L's. Boy, it took some L's, man. It took some L's. Woo. Yeah, bro.

One dude was 6'6", 243. Now, that's crazy, bro. That's all right, Travis Brown. Number three in the world. He was number three. So this is what I'm saying. He just came off a loss, okay? And his people said, you know what we're going to do now?

Let's set up another fight with another monster. Like, I don't get that. Y'all should fight real monsters, bro I'd like to see you in there against a big opiate or against uh, let me see Maybe your method who else you know? Never in Snape. What's that guy's name? Slytherin Harry Potter character. Yeah Count chocolate Clevering. A Harry Potter character? Yeah, baby. I want to see you fight fucking Count Chocola, bro.

I might as well. The black cereal guy. Here's glass half full, Eric. No shade. Glass half full because if I would have won that fight, I'd probably still be fighting now. No. Didn't start thick, boy. Didn't start stand up. Yeah, you win that and I'm fighting Brock Lesnar.

Now, you already had the fighter and the kid going. There's no way you could sit in a chair like this, talking to your friends, making good money, and thinking, yeah, now I want to go get my face punched in. You know what I'm on the weekends. There's nothing to that. There's no. You know what I mean? It's a tough gig. Yeah.

But do you think after a while that you had that same dog in you that some of the other guys did? Because some of those guys love going to get punched. They love it. No, I knew from day one it wasn't my thing. It was just something to do. That first hit on you, that first loss of yours, I think that was like. Roy Nelson? That's like crack, bro.

They say once you get that first hit, you can't. Chasing the dragon. Chasing that dragon, bro. That dragon hits hard. You're constantly chasing that next pop. Yeah, that dragon bro you're dragging chasing that next pop yeah that dragon hits hard dude my somebody told me yesterday that a guy uh sometimes if they're on crack they will and somebody if somebody told you when you on crack that you hid crack in your own butt you will look for it oh

yeah that crazy that makes sense though reason 750 why nobody should do crack. You know what I mean? I don't know. I always wanted to do it. Spoken like an ex-crackhead. You always wanted to do it? I always wanted to take that fucking hit, boy. I've always wanted to do heroin. I'll be straight up with you guys. I've always wanted to try heroin.

Hold on, hold on. He's still getting off. I heard that shit is tight, bro. You ever tried that heroin? You've never tried crack? Never tried crack. Oh. Heroin? I had a dude. Ign, bro. You ever tried that heroin? You've never tried crack? Never tried crack. Oh. Heroin?

I had a dude. Ignore it. That's fine. I tried to give CPR to a guy one time that had done crack, and that's the closest I ever got. But it'd probably rub off on your lip. Oh, but that's hilarious. My whole face burned. So you went down, you were like.

Then you were like, oh, shit. Hold on. Trying to suck out his lungs. What you got going on here? He was trying to use his face as a bomb. He was like, somebody get me some honey. He put a lighter under his nose. He was all.

And then Thiel was like, let me check this dude's butthole. He might have it. I know he's hiding somewhere in there, man. Somewhere in there is ass, Thiel? No crack for you, huh? Crazy, y'all. Crazy. I've never wanted to do drugs.

You're afraid to smoke crack, boy. Yeah, you're scared. You're gonna love it Yeah, you're gonna love straight up Really? No, that's all I always thought like that You know it's like even when I was in high school I was around people that like They get their drink on and they would go to parties and stuff and I just saw how people were acting and I was like I don't want to do that. Really? Yeah, I just I don't want to act like this. I don't want to be like that. Oh, you mean you don't want to have fun? No, I just, you

can have fun without being drunk. Yeah, bro. Okay. Here's the thing too. Drinks are in the 11 a.m. episode taping. Yeah, yeah. I have a problem. By the way, when you're not here, he feels like, woo, good. I don't have to.

The only reason I'm not drinking now, I don't want him to realize. He has an IV. That's when you're not here. Okay. Yeah, when you're not here, he feels like, whew, good. I don't have to. The only reason I'm not drinking now is because I have an IV. That's when you're not here. Yeah, when you're not here, Chris gives me all this shit. He's like, bro, it's 11. No, but I just never, I just didn't like that look. I did. Yeah, do you feel, yeah, I don't know. What?

Do you feel like it's safe to drink at that hour? I mean. Yeah, why not? It's 11. I'm fun with my buddies. But let me ask you this, though. No, you're not. It's one drink.

But do you get drunk to the point where you don't remember what happened? Never in my life. But, bro. Okay, have you? You've been drunk. But it's because we're recording it. He can look back, dude. No, but what I'm saying is, what I'm saying is, like.

Have you ever seen me drunk, Eric? No. Never. Dude, you gotta watch Back to the Future, bro. What is that? No no you need to watch because if you do stuff on tape you could watch it back so he could be blacked out and he's fucking with us because he's using he's saying oh I know what happened but he can watch it man you need to watch Hot Tub Time Machine yeah think about it

and go back and watch I'm Not Drunk. Have a good time. Look, I can't help but know the truth about DraftKings. Yeah, it's one of those things. And it's the thing where if you're looking to turn a small bet into a big payday, they do the offer for that. Some places they don't do that. That's true.

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if they do. That's promo code K-A-T-S only at DraftKings Sportsbook. And minimum age and eligibility restrictions apply. See the notes below for details. Theo, have you ever been like on whatever you've done in the past, and the next day you don't even remember what happened?

One time. I was on. So it wasn't regular. It wasn't a regular occurrence. No, only one time ever. Okay. Because my thing was like I would see people and I'd be like, what is the point of this? If you can't remember the fun you were having, why do it? Yeah.

Nick? Nick's blacked out before, haven't you? Oh, yeah. Nick's woken up in like another person's car. Before? You mean on Monday? Yeah. I was the reason Eric didn't drink in high school.

I was the kid that he saw. Okay. Nick was out of Eric didn't drink in high school. I was the kid that he saw. Okay. Nick was out of control. You're welcome. I tell you, it was like the 1999 New Year's going into, and I was at a party, and what I saw was it solidified in my head where I was like, I'm never doing this. Yeah, what were they doing?

Counting down? Yeah. People just were like, you know, everybody had like beans and they were getting all kind of stuff. They thought that world was going to end. And everybody was like, let's party like this. Y2K. It was crazy. My one friend was in the freaking bathtub, drunk, vomiting.

I had to take care of somebody's baby. You know what I mean? So I had a baby. Oh, damn, bro. I had a baby. It was a mixed event. Sounds like you partied in Atlanta. You're saying you was at a mixed event.

There were spinners, man. There's rap music. It was a lot. It was a lot. People were on the lawn. It was a lot. Oh, this is Atlanta. Now it's white again.

Well, it was a front lawn, too, so you know it was white. It was a white party. So then I was like, and then I'm holding this baby, and I'm looking at his parents, and I'm looking around, and I'm thinking to myself, nope. Nope, I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. It sounded like maybe you were on a taping of the Lindbergh movie or something. I don't know why you got a fucking baby.

Yeah, why is there a baby? You sound like a damn pedophile, bro. It was like the hangover, man. Like, when you woke up, it'd be a goat, and you'd be like, what happened? You know, the sober one?

Yeah. Sounds like your friends were having some fun, though. Hey, good luck. That's great. Yeah, not for you. But you know what? Up until me having to take care of people,

I had fun, too. I had to learn how to be around people who were drunk and having fun and have my own fun without being like judgy or whatever. Because in high school, I was more judgy and being like, oh, my God, why are you guys doing this? Because then it turns into this. It turns into, well, we don't want to hang out with him. Yeah.

Eric had no friends. Yeah, exactly. There was a point where it would be like, hey, how come you guys didn't invite me to the thing? Well, you know. No, you're kind of a bummer. Yeah, you're kind of a bummer. So I learned, especially when I got into comedy. When you're you know no you're kind of a bummer yeah you're kind of a bummer so i learned especially when i got into comedy when you're in comedy you're just around drunk people you're just around people you know having fun and whatever and you just have to like

deal with it but it gets sometimes it gets a little creepy i think if being the person who's not drinking around drunk people at a certain point because then you feel like you have a secret weapon you're like oh i know what's going on yeah you know what i'm saying like everybody else here so some of that shit is like that's where it gets a little uh sketchy i think sometimes i'm like damn i gotta get out of here because i know what's going on bro and sometimes you gotta get out most of the time but you have discipline well yeah i mean it just depends, man, you know, but I'm not smoking no crack. This guy is. All right. Is he?

Good segue. That's my boy Josh Kelly right there. What up, fam? Chase out here hiding out in Hideaway, Texas, East Texas area, and I got a King and Her Sting it for you. Nose spray. Oof. Great one. you. No spray. Oof. Great one. I know you guys have been having some trouble breathing through your nose and I know it feels so good to breathe through your nose and so bad when you can't. So

my story is I'm totally addicted to this stuff. I went into rehab probably like 10 years ago, had a quite the habit and you know, couldn't breathe through my nose instantly. And so I went into rehab with a coke problem, came out with a nose spray problem. And I don't see myself wanting to quit it because I can breathe so good all the time. Oh, it's so delicious. Yeah. Delicious. I just got over my addiction because I was sick for about two weeks when I did all that press tour.

I started using that vapor spray. Which one? The vapor sinus spray. Oh, okay. Oh, my God. It literally just a lava mist that just clears your nose. I never smell. I could smell everything.

I smell a fart from fucking Milwaukee. Is it bad for you? That's just Milwaukee. You're only supposed to use it for two days, and then what happens, it constricts your fucking nasal passage. I can't let y'all share science between each other no more, dog. I can't sit and watch this shit anymore. Two days?

What are you talking about? Y'all sharing information. This is our experience, man. Check out Dr. Kevorkian over here. He's some sort of fucking expert on what? Tell us your science, motherfucker. Tell us your Alabama science. Theo, unless it's drugs, we're all sad, dog.

Look, I'm just telling you, bro. And nobody buying you didn't do crack. I want to bring that back up. Look, I'm just saying. I don't want to mention it in here, but you for sure did crack, son. How long were we pretending you didn't try crack? How long were we pretending you didn't do crack and get that haircut, son? I'm just saying, bro.

He acted like he's some kind of African American over here, bro. I asked. I'm just asking. But you can't ask him. What? I just got over the addiction. It ain't an addiction if you did nasal spray for two weeks. I'm telling you.

You drink at 11 a.m. That's an addiction. Especially Afrin an addiction if you did nasal spray for two weeks. I'm telling you, you drink at 11 a.m., that's an addiction. Especially Afrin. Bro, Afrin's addiction. In his defense, you have other issues. Oh, I wish I had a drink right now. I wish I was drunk right now.

Quote Denzel Washington. I wish I was drunk right now. First of all, my problem with this guy is he looks like he's hiding out. It looks like he has a wig on. He's in hideaway Texas. Yeah, he just looks like that's not even how he really looks. And he looks like he's on out. It looks like he has a wig on. He's in hideaway Texas. Yeah, he just looks like that's not even how he really looks,

and he looks like he's on the run. Bro, I just stopped. It's such a good question. I just stopped two days ago from using Afrin. I was addicted for three weeks. As he's about to put his other addiction in his mouth. Oh, I'll be honest. I have moments where I'm like, I want to do something.

I'll do some fucking Afrin. It's such a fun feeling. So why are you getting on us? Because we're talking about the addiction and now you're going to admit that you have a problem. Well, I also have an actual breathing problem that my doctor... Me too. I've been doing this shit. So do I. This shit, mine should

shut down on this side. Oh, I saw a TikTok today where you hold your nose like this and you squish with the thumb here. And it helps? Yeah. Push this and you squish with the thumb here and it helps yeah push there and then squish down yeah and then what that's it that helps yeah you do both sides i've had no sir you push this way and you get your thumb and you squish it here squish it dude is there anything crazier than going back and making love to a school teacher and then you're like, oh my god, you're a teacher? That's crazy, right?

Yeah, but you were probably like held back. So you were like 22 when you graduated. So, you know. Dude, we had this one kid in our class, bro, Mr. Larry, bro, when I was growing up. And he was, this dude, he was in class forever, dude. They kept letting him be in class and then eventually they just made him a janitor. Oh, so he could just chill. Yeah.

Dream job. Wait, hold on. You're talking about a student. A student, yeah. Oh, all right. And he would come, bro. The cool thing he did do, bro, his study wasn't his strongest suit. But what he did do, if you were a pioneer, he could pee over you and hit the fucking thing.

That's talent. That means he'd been in school a little too long. He knew the ins and outs. First of all, that's not safe. When the pee start, maybe he can get it over here, but once you start, you're going to pee on somebody. The pressure, yeah, he's peeing on your shoulder. He's peeing on somebody's back.

Not if you got nine years of practice in that bitch. He's in there shooting three-pointers. So you're just peeing and all of a sudden a flow just comes over your head. And you just hear, have a good day. And you had to stand where you are bro at that point. You can't move. Now did you go to a big high school or was it

a small high school? Our school was probably a medium size. What's that though? Thousand. Oh, that's a big high school. Or 800. Maybe a thousand. My graduating class was like 800. Oh, wow. You don't know. Big school.

Big school. Was Larry the one that paid you to see your asshole? No, no, no. That was a different guy. That's different, Larry. This dude, Mr. Don, he used to give us, he'd give somebody maybe $10, $12 or something. Then he'd walk off like 40 feet, and all you had to do was look at his asshole, and you got the money. For money? So you had to look at his asshole? Yeah. Okay, and was look at his asshole, and you got the money. The money?

So you had to look at his asshole? Yeah. Okay, and you didn't do crack. And you got $10. And you didn't touch crack. You stared at that man's asshole for $40. I wasn't staring. You didn't look.

Just like, huh? I mean, he knew you looked. You had to stare because if you want the money. How old were you? You seen him. 12. He didn't care. So you're 12 years old.

It's like, wow, that's a man's asshole. I mean, I'm i mean i'm sure he's red but it wasn't as like a pervert you know it wasn't it was just like oh that guy's crazy no no no no fuck y'all bro y'all never been through nothing bro oh my you're over here with your little afrin habit huh and you're over here bro he's the one i'm just asking a question. This dude got all that money and can't buy a vowel, bro. This fucking dude over here. Oh, I'm sorry I didn't grow up staring at men's assholes.

My bad. You mean making money, fool. Everyone paint the narrative, dog. Everyone paint the narrative, son. Y'all slipping up, dude. Let me pour y'all each a cocktail, bro. Let me stare at this guy's asshole. What do you want to paint the narrative, son? Y'all slipping up, dude. Let me pour y'all each a cocktail, bro. Let me stare at this guy's asshole. What do you want, Nick?

What's up, boys? I got a king of this thing for you. You're on a date at a Chinese restaurant. Chopsticks or fork? Gang, gang, buzz, buzz, sore. Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, nice.

Here's my thing about this. And what is it? I will try the damn chopsticks for a little while, but that shit be getting on my nerves. Because we're big guys. You know what I mean? And after a while, you go, who am I fooling? Who am I doing this for? I'm not getting no extra credit for eating with chopsticks.

Yeah, I'm in West. Bring me a fork. Yeah, my thing, I'll do the same. I'll fuck with a chopstick. And then finally, I'm like, I'm in West Hollywood. Yeah, what am I doing? I'm not in fucking. We're not in China. Yeah. I'm not in North Korea. Yeah, what am I doing? We're not in fucking. We're not in China.

Yeah. We're not in North Korea. Yeah, what are we doing? Give me a fork, bitch. Especially when it's rice. You just find your stuff by trying to pick up little pieces. I go, fucking fuck these things, man. I'll take the bowl.

Bring me a spoon. I'll take the bowl and use those chopsticks as a little shovel. Yeah, yeah, man. It's ridiculous. But you always do it on a date, though. Because you're trying to impress somebody When you go get A piece of chicken You know you're looking At her like

I got that chicken girl I know how to do it I'm good with it No But it's just My fingers start to Get carpal tunnel I can do it

With the sushi Do you eat with Chopsticks Always chopsticks Always I'm so versatile with it Yes Go ahead Chin

I'm sorry I stepped on you there I can pick up That Coke can If we have chopsticks Oh wow Slight flex by Chin I know Chin put on that Cardigan with chopsticks Yes. Go ahead, Chin. I'm sorry I stepped on you there. I'm sorry. I can pick up that Coke can if we have chopsticks here. Oh, wow. Slight flex by Chin.

I know. Chin put on that cardigan with chopsticks. It's more. I did. He ties his shoes. Chin ties his shoes like this with his chopsticks. I believe that chopsticks, I just feel like you have more leverage, honestly, with chopsticks. You actually, because the fork is just so much more of like a vulgar type of stabbing.

It feels almost, it almost feels like you're eating in the Game of Thrones. God, who hurt you? You told me the dead piece of meat that's already on your plate that you've already killed and cooked. The violent part now is sticking the fork in it. After it's done. some meat that's already on your plate yeah that you've already killed and and cooked the violent part now is sticking the fork in it i can after it's done yeah after it's done imagine this you're in court right you did murder you're accused and the man says okay the guy was dead he'd been dead for 48 hours right uh-huh and you roll over and fucking hit him with a four who are you what answer answer the goddamn question well there's something about him if he got if he's covered in cumin and some nutmeg

i'm just saying who are you then yeah man who you hungry that's why i am right but you hungry and fucking violent whereas if you come over and casually freaking kind of cater that boy with that fucking you think yeah i see where fucking window. You think having two sticks in your hand and messing with the dead body is somehow better? You're a creep. Classier. Classier. You're a creep. I don't think it's creepy.

I think it's almost titillous. If you're picking up Coke cans with sticks, you're a monster. You're a shitty recycler. Yeah. But I don't know what else you are. It's because you're trying to hide your fingerprints. I'll tell you right now, though. That's true.

You know what I'm saying? The sticks help you hide your fingerprints. Boom. I'll tell you right now, though. Fuck a fork. Fuck your chopsticks. The spoon's the move. Yeah, I agree.

With a spoon with everything. Especially if it's rice. Spoon's all dead. You're trying to spoon a drumette or something. You look like an idiot, bro. You're trying to spoon through a damn Chick-fil-A sandwich. I might look stupid, but you know what I am? A sandwich? Full, son. No, you're spoon through a damn Chick-fil-A sandwich. I might look stupid, but you know what I am? A sandwich?

Full, son. No, you're not. Yeah. You can't spoon a sandwich. You can't spoon through a McFlurry sandwich. How about this? Barbecue. I like it.

With my hands. Hands. Hands. Fork and knife. Anybody fork and knife with that kind of, because I can't stand those people. I'll fight you right now if you say you eat pizza with a fork and knife. Dude, I'll eat barbecue with my nuts, son. I don't care.

It's so good. And I like pie, too, after I have it. With your nuts? Huh? With or without nuts? Not even dessert. I don't think you're that flexible that you can eat with your nuts. I just don't think that you'd be able to get down there.

My man says some big balls. Get them tall balls dog They call me tall balls That one's better for the algorithm I don't think no But I'm saying this man, what was that guy's issue? This is Steve a okey All right King in the sting Now the wing I guess All right i got a debate club

being broken up with or having to break up with me because I just hate the fact that I have to break someone's heart. I'd rather just take it. Take the hit and move on with my life. Alright, that's it. Both were terrible. Steve Acorn right there.

Let's hear Brendan first because he's going to mess this up. Nah, man. Listen. I want to be broken up with because I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. I'd rather just have you. I don't want the confrontation. I don't want to hurt your feelings. I have to deal with that negativity. Because then if she breaks up with me, she's not on the gram talking all this shit.

Once you decide, once you realize you're not going to be the good guy. Listen, Theo. If you're not going to be, you know you're not going to be the good. When you're breaking up with somebody, there's no good out. I'm okay with taking that. I'm okay with being like, hey, this isn't good. It's not working. Boom.

Move on. Let them deal with their hurt. Because being broken up with, that's a tough one. Broken heart. They're both tough. I tried breaking up with a girl at P.F. Chang's because my dad told me to do it in public space and she freaked the fuck out

and I stayed with her for two more years. But what'd you use to eat with? Spoon. Pussy. Orange chicken spoon. I'll tell you guys this, dude.

How many times have you broken up with someone when you finished a spoon? Well, here's what I realized. No, weekly. For myself, I realized that

actual breaking up with someone, I've always been, I will stay in a relationship I don't want to be in just because I'm not brave enough to break up with somebody. Well, it's just like a cell phone plan. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I should have left T-Mobile like four years ago, but it's hard to me. That's a psychological thing. It's a lot of work.

But it's not fair for me to say, oh, I don't want to hurt somebody because I'm hurting them just by sitting there milling around. Then they're wondering why is my relationship always bad. And they can move on. Right. But the fact that I'm not brave enough to do that, I sit there and wait for them to not only go through all the pain, but then to have to break up with me. And then you sabotage. You start cheating you start acting like an asshole you're doing crap all because you're a coward yes all because

you're a coward we've all been there oh that's a lot of story of a lot of my relationships my life man so that's the thing what i don't like to do for myself is look at it through that lens that oh i'm saving them by not hurting their feelings. I'm saving my own feelings. Yeah. Phil's been trying to leave this podcast for two years. He doesn't want to hurt my feelings. He just can't do it. Every time he looks at Brendan, he's like, I can't hurt him.

I love shit. How much for that doggy and the window? Phil's like, you know what, man? I'll zoom in. Just treat me like shit. He'd just go shit on the chair and be like, they still keep me here. I mean, we've definitely reached. We ain't ever breaking up with you, bitch.

We've reached for some things. I'm Johnny Depp. You Amber Heard, man. Yeah, look at them, man. Like, look at them. They deserve each other. They deserve each other. The fact that they had that shit public is so crazy,

showing how, like, did you see the last thing? She was like, I wasn't trying to hurt him. Yes, you were. I wish they would just own it. I wish they would just both stand up in court and be like, I'm sorry we wasted everybody's time. I love this bitch. You know what I mean?

And then we just, I don't know, we got out of control. I don't know why we're here and move on with our lives. You know what i mean and then uh we we just i don't know we just we got out of control i don't know why we're here and move on with their lives you know what i mean it's just where society is now you got rich people just nothing is so much money they don't have anything to do but shit on each other's bed and and lie to each other about it it's almost like that um princess in the pea or whatever and it's also the guy um they had a kid the other day now they got all these uh treats and stuff like gummy weed and everything gummy bear weed okay so kids some kid had a bag of weed cheetos or something brings it to school and got half the playground zeeked out of their brains but it's just because that's where we are everything is crossed over

now you got something that looks safe for a kid, we'll fucking, you know, get them to walk out into traffic, bro. Six elementary school children were taken to the hospital after eating snacks laced with drugs.

Several kids complained about stomach aches and feeling dizzy at a Southern California elementary school on Thursday. Like, this all has to do, in my opinion, with family values.

Man. This all goes down to No, like this all has to do, in my opinion, with family values. This all goes down to how did this kid get these drugs? That's the parents. The parents getting high. But you used to know what was drugs. And I'm wandering in the kitchen and get you a glass of 2% drugs like these fucking guys are doing now. You can't even tell the difference. They keep the shit in the spice rack.

They got fentanyl and almond milk. The parents got the oregano right here next to the weed, the super kush, whatever. It's all right in the same damn place. They even tell the kids, go get me the... Oatmeal raisin fentanyl. You can't even do that. We mixed it all up

and look, this little kid looks like she's 60 years old. They interviewing this little bitch. She got high. She's about to tell us about. Oh, my God. It's funny. I think it's Starlit. I had two of them.

And then I stopped eating it because then I felt dizzy. Authorities say nine kids have had re- The actions to the shared altered Cheetos. Six were taken to the hospital. I just smoked weed. First of all, Cheetos by themselves already. Like specks of green on it. Police say the child who brought the marijuana-infused snack to school was unaware of the drugs.

But nine-year-old Davina says otherwise. I went up to her and I'm like. Okay, stop. What are... First of all, what parent is letting this little girl at nine years old have her hair looking like this? All that. Okay, so this is family values right here.

You don't think she's tried to track? She already making choices that she's not supposed to be making, so of course she's going to have the fit and all lace Cheetos. She could be Native American, dog. You're not even thinking about the hair. What does that have to do? They're pulling the wool over your eyes. All these little bitches knew what those Cheetos were involved with.

Kid comes to the park with a bag of Cheetos. My kid ain't eating that shit. He didn't do it like that. I'm sure he didn't do it like, yo, y'all want some Cheetos? I mean, I'm sure some weird shit was happening. No, he was like, hey, let's get high and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Well, it's interesting because there's definitely the one kid or the two kids or the three kids in sixth grade who knew about what was going on. So he could have been that kid.

That's true, too, though. The fourth grader with a mustache. Right. But that's what I'm saying. It's like now you have to be now. Now you got to tell your kids, like, yo, don't take Cheetos from anybody. No, don't take anything from anybody. Yeah, but Cheeto, you can't get Cheeto from your homies.

Nope. Goddamn, man. But look, man, BLM, dog. You know? Wait, what? That Amber Heard Johnny Depp trial is fascinating, though. There's some wild boys. I'll watch it.

And my takeaway, she was a real tomcat. She fucking in the sack, dude. She cut off his fucking finger. Shit in his bed. He still put up with it. Here's what I'm saying. She was fucking in the sack, dude. She cut off his fucking finger. Shit in his bed. He still put up with it. Here's what I'm saying. She was fucking me dressed like a pirate. This is all I want to happen right now. She should be removed from all her movies too.

And then I'm like this. Justice is served. And that's happening. They've already cut her out of. Yeah, that's all. Then there's justice. She wrote that article. She defamed him.

Even if it was true, fine. But now it's coming out. She's crazy too. Remove her too, Hollywood. Preemptively remove her from everything for optics. Then it's fair. Boom. Is it fair?

Because Johnny Depp, one of the biggest actors in the world, you take his career away. Yeah, but he's a drunk, drug addict, and it's all coming out. Okay? So if you want to remove him because you don't like him. You didn't care before, though, as long as he showed up and he was making money for you. But once she put out an article that he was an abuser in the Me Too era, he got removed, right? Turns out she's just as abusive in her own way. Correct. If not more.

Remove her, too. And then we'll be like, okay, so now we're— I don't think either of them should be removed. I think both of them should be able to still book shit. They should come out with like a buddy cop movie. They'll come out with a movie. Yeah, like together. They should just self-produce their own movie.

Pirates of the Caribbean 9. I'd watch a movie with them. Me too. If they came out with a movie like in a month, even if it was a movie about this trial. Dude, Tango and Cash 2? Tango and Cash 2? Yeah. And you have them as the cops? Tango and Cash was a movie about this trial dude Tango and Cash 2 Tango and Cash 2 yeah and you have them as the cops

Tango and Cash was a classic I don't know why they didn't make another one me neither Tango and Cash are also it's not a racial slur is it no sir

Tango and Cash look at these Tango and Cash Kurt Russell and you know what Theo anything that comes out of your mouth the way you say it it could be a slur

you got an old fashioned no because you like oh look at that cinnamon toast crunch did it sound like that comes out of your mouth, the way you say it, it could be a slur. Oh, yeah. Y'all are old-fashioned, man. No, because you're like, oh, look at that cinnamon toast crunch. Did it sound like... Oh, y'all are old-fashioned, man. Did he say the N-word? Yeah.

This is the way you have... There's a timber in your voice that's very good. Is crunch racist? I'm like, the way you said it, it kind of is, I guess. Look, dude, I'm just saying

these California raisins are... Here we go. ...were one of my favorite bands. There it is, everybody. Ooh, I heard it through the grapevine. We had to dance to that

at summer camp. They made us dance. Now, that's something that nowadays you make a kid dance or something, they say something's wrong with you. If you make kids dance, we had to do square dancing. I'm going to tell you how the world has changed. When I was in preschool.

And this is who knows when. FDR Berlin. You had to finish your food, okay, to the point where if you threw your food in the trash, they would make you take it out and eat it. Hell yeah. That's the school I went to. Can you even imagine right now the way people are? That's when discipline was discipline. Look, man, we had big-

Hit us, kid. Our principals, Lawton McKee was one of them, and Bill Brady, and both them dudes beat my ass. Yeah, I got hit too. And look at you now. Look at me now. Successful. You know what I mean? Without those beatings, where would you be right now?

Probably happier. Probably not. I don't think I'd be doing that as great. Yeah, it was pretty good. They gave me a good paddle. Yeah. But them boys, they used to be able to do it, man. They closed that door, bro.

I think when he starts slipping, we need to paddle his ass. You want me to hit you? Yeah, we need to paddle you. You want me to knock you around a little bit? Yeah. You might need that to keep you on your toes. Yeah. Maybe it'd be good for you.

I say we beat his ass. I say we beat his slap the shit out of you regularly to keep him on his toes. I'm into it. Damn, bro. Y'all are crazy, dog. Y'all are crazy. We start getting paddles. Everyone starts wearing uniforms and shit.

Yeah. Look, I could probably use it, honestly. That's the real truth. Yeah, me too i think we all could a lot of it some culture they beat people what do they do in uh india chin where in korea um i they would just do torture stuff where there you go oh yeah that's how you grew up like i did like this what's the worst thing your parents ever did to you this is one of the worst so if i move a little bit it takes a coat hanger like a metal one and just, yeah.

Wow. I like it. Your father? Adrian Peterson? Was your dad Adrian Peterson? Do you hate your father? What? Do you hate your father?

Not a lot. He gave me a lot of discipline, which I needed. Yeah, discipline is not allowed anymore. Because one thing that happened in America was they just let these newspaper articles become the be-all, end-all. Don't worry. Your father got you. Wasn want your father got wasn't your father part of the super strict you're um okay super strict super strict well there you go i'll

tell you right now any of you bitches in here touch my kid with your paddle your coat hanger i'm beating the fuck out of you man that teacher touched my kid hell no hell no but it was a dishearer so that i would say this though i would hope that you would come in if your kid gets in trouble. I would hope you would come in and be like, you know, what happened? Yeah. I don't like this whole, I'm not saying if they hit you. I'm just saying if your kid gets in trouble, let's not go in and take your kid's side right away. That's what's wrong with society right now.

Teachers have to have some authority. That's what's wrong with society right now. Teachers have to have some authority. I remember when I was a kid, if I was going to get in trouble, if the teacher said to me, I'm going to have to call your mom, that would be like, hey. That's enough for me. I'd be like, whoa, be cool.

Let's talk this shit out. Yeah, me too. I was terrified of my dad. Yeah, I was terrified. But now it's that thing, well, call my mom because the mom comes in like, what did you, why you all, you know, it's like, come on. We have to like support. It a village support the village people don't nobody else wants to admit that their kid also could be a piece of shit sometimes yeah or take responsibility to parent drop the kid off isn't a good parent and it calls and picks up the kid and said well

why didn't my kid why didn't this happen just no responsibility you have people that shouldn't even be allowed to have children agree havinged. Having them, bro. That's the fucking, that's the craziest part. It's so easy. Oh, there's some kids in my son's class who are like, do not play with that kid. Stay away from that fucking kid. It should be like getting a license.

Every time you guys are fighting, getting in trouble, just get away. What'd you say? It should be like getting a license. Like, you should have to go down to the DMV, take a test, you know, and before you be like, okay, I passed. Now I can have, here's my license.

I can have a kid. Going back to touching other people's kids uh mario lopez tweeted this his kid was at a wrestling tournament he wasn't there but uh his his kid was pinning the other kid and the kid started like kind of crying because he was like suffocating but his shoulders weren't down actually his shoulders were down rough fucked up but the other dad comes up and picks up mario's kid oh man that dad be fighting so now he's smothering him so he's pinning but the kid's not smothered he's pinning him the guy should have just pinned him here the kid kind of cries yeah it's a pin the ref fucked up yeah what what's the ref waiting for all right all right that's enough uh that's enough. Eh, that's terrible.

No, no, no, I'm with you 100%. No, no, no. It's better to be safe than sorry. If the kid, they don't know what's going on. Like, this referee did fuck up. This parent is like, I'd rather make sure this kid is okay. 100%. But that's his, I think that's probably his kid on the bottom, right?

But either way, whoever's there needs to do something. That's on the ref. What are you doing, bro? The kid's fucking, what are they, seven? What are you doing? Like, somebody should have done this in like three of your fights. You know what I mean? I wish. You know what I'm saying? Well, he did. His name was Herb Dean. Get off of him. His name was Herb Dean.

I'm just saying, I think this is, I don't find anything wrong with that. Yeah, it's interesting. I think, yeah, adults have to be adults. It's just interesting. Everybody, when everything changes and people, I guess, started suing each other for everything. Yeah. And people made it about money. No common sense.

And suddenly there was, yeah, people are like, oh, I can find some fault here and blame the other person and get some money for it. Nobody wants to. It'd be different if the kid just got on him and then the parent was trying to be like, you can't beat my kid. That was a long ass time. That was a long-ass time. That was a long time right there. They're kids. They're not going for the world championship. And that kid might be claustrophobic or something.

Yeah, man. That kid might have anxiety. Yeah, and we also can't see everything that's going on. If that kid is sitting there, and if the referee should have probably maybe done something. But it wasn't. I mean. He made a call.

It was a little long. I think the parent made a judgment call. Like, okay, that's enough. He's done, dude. That's it. He can't breathe. I think that's fine. I wish. He's done. That's it. He can't breathe. I think that's fine. I wish Slater would have been there and beat his ass. He said if he would have been there, I would have responded kindly.

He would have been wrong. Listen, I've done shows with AC Slater. That boy had way too much makeup to do anything. He would have been wrong, though. He would have looked like Will Smith. Do you think he could still wrestle as well as he did when he was on television? For Bayside? No. He boxes a lot, but he's not

like boxing, boxing. He rolls. Yeah, I mean, look, I think any parent's going to be one. I don't know. I don't have no children, so I don't really have a say in this, and that's all I know. This guy's got one. What up? Oh, it's Big Country. Good to see you again. Chris,

the guys in the back Nick and Chin I got a King and a Stinget for you guys Taking pictures at family events You know any kind of family gathering Where everybody gets together Personally I hate it

Nobody ever looks at the pictures after you take them Everybody just gets gathered together Just for some pictures You know I know Well I mean I guess unless you're swinging Pictures after you take them, everybody just gets gathered together just for some pictures. You know, I know, well, I mean, I guess unless you're swinging for the wrong team, usually the guys don't like it. The chicks love it. Family pictures. Here's when they look at them.

I think when people is dead, people look at them, go back and look at look at them. But also we take so many pictures now and there's so much content. None of it even means anything. It really doesn't. I don't even, even when somebody's dead, what are you going to do? First of all, you can't get on their phone,

you know, unless you have like, there, there needs to be some sort of like, you know, some sort of like, you know how you can still take pictures on a phone without the code. There's gotta be certain thing like, oh, when I'm dead,

here's this code that will just dump all the pictures into a folder so people can get them. Yeah, like Code Bros or something. What are you supposed to do? Because we all have 50,000 pictures on our phone that we don't. What are we going to do with them? Facts. Yeah.

We used to put them in albums. I'm old enough to be like, I have all my baby pictures and all that stuff Yeah, like album. I can't even take the pictures out. They stuck to the day. It meant something. Yeah means something Selfies jumping off airplanes and shit We're trying to one up but you rap but I still think you rather have these moments But that's the problem available with the thing is it's overall This even goes back to some of the stuff with the wrestling kid. The moment doesn't mean. It's like the moment doesn't even mean anything anymore.

The moment used to have its own value because it was only going to happen then. Well, that's like if you watch a live concert. You get a live concert. Everyone's watching the concert. They're front row. They're paid probably $800 for that ticket. But they're watching the concert through their phone, live stream or some shit. It's like, enjoy the fucking concert.

Can we have a moment? Just put the phone away and enjoy the concert. That's why I hate it when I see it, let's say, after your comedy show, and then you see, oh, man, somebody was recording. You're just kind of like, you weren't enjoying this moment? Can we just have this moment? Does it have to be recorded? No, they want that currency being like, oh, phil i saw eric i saw brendan it's like no no that's crazy just fucking enjoy the show man it's interesting you know because that that's the thing

i find i do it sometimes i mean i went to the aerosmith concert we went oh yeah and we got some video of it you know i think i did him I don't know if Nick was into it as much. I definitely took some footage. I wanted to remember it. One time, Steven Tyler looked Theo right in the eyes as he was, like, figuring out, like, his video or whatever. Hell, yeah. And then Steven Tyler would have, like, locked eyes, but he walked away.

Put it in here, daddy. Keep it here. I remember that. And remember that guy showed up with those two women, those escorts or whatever? Yeah, and I drugged one. Yeah, one of them was drugged. And he's like, hey, you guys want to talk with this one? And we're like, the fucking.

Oh, thank you. Yeah, weekend of barbers over here? No way. This chick was, we were like holding her up. Jesus Christ. It was an 80-year-old man with two 20-year-old dots. And one of them, when he went to the bathroom, hit my THC pen. And she passed out and started throwing up in a subway bag.

Sounds like a good time. This is why Eric doesn't do drugs. This magic moment. You know what we were talking about earlier, just real quick, is also when you're the sober person, I actually don't like sometimes being around people. And if there is a girl, and maybe when I was single, you're interested. But once you see, is there some intoxication going on? You're out. It's immediate, like, I got to get out of here. 100 once you see like, is there some intoxication going on? It's immediate.

Like I got to get out of here. A hundred percent. Because I don't know what's going to happen. Yeah. Well, dude, one time I'm walking down the hall and in Cleveland, I think some drunk girls bouncing down the hallway, middle of the night. Right. Literally it's 3am.

I went downstairs to do a cigarette. That's when I was doing cigarettes. I come back upstairs. She's bouncing right behind me as I'm walking down the hall. I go open my door. She goes right in my room, right after me, and gets in my bed, bro, and lays up. She's completely black. I has no idea, right?

Oh, my God. So now I'm standing in there, and I'm like, what do I do? Like, if I even close the door now. I know. Let her sleep. What liability do I have? Do you even have a condom? Like, what are you going to do?

Does she have crack in her butt? Yeah. Like, what are we going to do here? So did you smash? What happened, Theo? But I was like, I had to call down to the front desk. I was just like,

just because it was like right around when Me Too was really popping off and I was like, fuck that. I need another room. I have, and also I was afraid

to even wake her up because I start yelling from across the room, hey, will you get up? She goes, you're so mean. Just turn off the lights. That's what she said. Yeah, wake her up. I know. So I start yelling from across the room, hey, will you get up? She goes, you're so mean. Just turn off the lights. That's what she said. Yeah, let her sleep.

I'm with her. Dude, I was just in. I forgot where I was. I was just in a place, too. It was the middle of the night. I'm going to the airport. It's real early. So I have to do this real early.

They pick me up at 4 AM. You sound like a killer. Drunk girl walks into the lobby. She just moseys over to me. She just is like, hey. I'm like, what's up? She's like, we got a She just moseys over to me. She just is like, hey, you know. I'm like, what's up? She's like, we got a hug. And she just fucking grabs me.

And I'm like, what the fuck is happening? And then her guy comes over. You know, he's like, babe, you know. And I'm just like, god damn. You're trying to fuck. What's going on? There's some bait. They doing that.

Yeah. Get your girl. Get your girl. Yeah. They looking for a mix, man. Get your girl. I hate to do this. You guys are going to have to hold down the fort. I got to roll. You want to sit here? Yeah, come over. They bait me. Get your girl. Yeah, they're looking for a mix, man. Get your girl. I hate to do this. You guys are going to have to hold down the fort.

I got to roll. You want to sit here? Yeah, I'll come over and sit over there. But thinking about enjoying the moment, I will be in Portland June 9th through the 11th. Portland, Oregon at the Helium June 9th through the 11th. Then San Francisco. Cobb. San Francisco are my favorite clubs.

Cobb's Comedy in San Francisco June 17th through the 18th. San Diego. Laugh Factory San Diego. Great club. Brand new club. July 21th through the 18th. San Diego, Laugh Factory San Diego. Great club. Brand new club. July 21st through the 23rd. That's it. Love you guys.

Portland, Europe, June 9th through 11th. And San Fran, June 17th, 18th. Love you guys. Tickets at thickboy.com. Hold down the fort. Love the fuck out of both of you. Eric, thanks for doing that fight show. My feelings are super hurt.

I will see you later. Theo, love you. What's up, Brendan, Theo, Chris, Eric, Chin, Nick. You guys are really killing it. I want to say I love this new lineup. I got a little King Interesting it for you. Approaching a girl at the gym. Now, in one case, hey, let's say you got some eyes going.

There's some tension there. You approach. You could get yourself a real hitter potentially. But you could also risk making things really awkward and ruining your safe space, which is your gym. You go at the same time every day. Maybe now it might be so weird that you've got to alter your pattern. What do you think? Is it worth it?

Can you understand it? Gang, gang, buzz, buzz, soar. I have some feelings on this. What's up, Mr. Lopez? Thank you for your service. First of all, I want Gang, gang, buzz, buzz, soar. I have some feelings on this. What's up, Mr. Lopez? Thank you for your service. First of all, I want to say that, man. Yeah, me too. Out the block, dog.

I just read The Operator. Can you pull up that book, Chin? Operator? But he's Navy, too, so you know. But this book is about Navy SEALs. So it's just a branch of the Navy. Can you pull it up, Ken? There we go. Right there, The Operator by Michael O'Brien, I believe. Man, I know it's an older book. God, it's good, bro.

It's about the guy who, oh, Bobby O'Neill there, Robert O'Neill. You read a lot of books, huh? I like to read this book. It's like the second or third time, though, you've talked about a book. Yeah, I like books. He likes to pull it out when it's in the holster. Yeah. Yeah.

I like this book, man. And I met this man actually one time. And he's the guy who shot Osama bin Laden. But it's just about – it's really well written. It's about what the life of Navy SEALs is like and going through buds and stuff. And it's entertaining. I was – it blew me away. It was really cool.

But anyway, yeah, it's a pretty good book, man. But this man wants to know if he should go into the middle, if he's what? Being lit? No, he's talking about hitting on somebody at the gym. Ooh. I say, look, bro, the gym is the place. But the gym is also where you want to kind of take a chance. Now, I'll admit there's some repercussion. It makes you feel, you know, it's going to be awkward that next few days when you go, you see that person who wasn't interested.

But you can't help where you run across potential love, bro. You know what I'm saying? I totally agree with you. But at the same time, though, it's all about how. Like, you don't want to be a creep. You don't want to be, like, standing behind somebody. She's on the treadmill, and you're like, well, goddamn, girl. You know what I mean? It's all about – you know what I mean?

I think it should be one of these things where it's like you're leaving, or you still see each other. If you've made eyes a couple times, you might be like, hey, how you doing? I see you here a lot. My name's such and such. I don't want to – I know you're doing your workout. I just wanted to say hi. And if it becomes – give her the opportunity to be like okay thank you and if later she goes now hey it's good to see you again it should just be gradual if you're going to the gym all the time

but it's like the problem is there's too many creeps yeah you know what i mean oh yeah i was at a party one time this is i think in high school some dude was all pilled up he leans across the table and he's like hey i want you to trim up your bush hair and put it in a baggie for me well yeah and everybody was just playing like scrabble or something like this dude was just so goaked out on pills he didn't know you know it was like whoa you know what i'm saying she's just trying to she's trying to do like her words you know what i'm saying she's just trying to like. And bro, that dude, that changed his life. We could never do board games with him.

She's just trying to use her ex. And this motherfucker is trying to get her pubic hair. That's what I'm saying though, dude. It's like, I think how you hit on someone is the thing. That's key too. So, because yes, you could say, hey, what are you say, hey, what's going on this weekend? What's going on? You can kind of see.

And if there's an energy there, then there's some energy there. But you also, if you blatantly ask somebody and it's obvious, especially with a gym, there's kind of, you know, people like to do athletic stuff. So you can be like, oh, I'm going to do the rock climbing wall. Have you ever done it or something? You know, there's ways where you can mildly ease into seeing if there's something. But here's the thing too is you have to remember that people don't

necessarily go to the gym looking their best so it's like i think that women are they're going to the gym just i just can i just go work out i already have my i'm in a ponytail and some shit you know i'm just trying to do this so it's like i'm sweaty it's like you have to just keep that in mind yeah you know you don't want to make somebody you don't want to like just don't make her uncomfortable in any way like just you sound like you're saying that in court yeah i'm not gonna murder you yeah you know because it's just like i've been saying this on stage but it's like women walking around like they in a haunted house at a carnival, you know?

And it's just a bunch of creepy dudes always being like, boo, you know? Hey, give me that pussy, you know? And so, you know what I mean? So, like, when a nice guy comes along, he might come along and be like, how are you? And she's still like, ah, you know what I mean? Because you look like all these other creeps around here. So it's just like, just be tactful. Everybody got a goblin

in their dick that's the problem yeah man it really is bro and i think this too is people also don't know how to interact with each other no more right you know why because they're so busy doing it like this right so they don't know how to like in person be like reading body language reading the situation reading the environment They're so busy thinking like, I can say whatever I want, do whatever I want on this. But you know what? No,

there's a certain way you're supposed to interact with a human being. And that's, it's, it's about like reading the situation, you know, when you be in too much. Yeah. Yeah.

But the problem is like, like a lot of those like gym dudes who are like really good looking, they so used to like getting whatever they want that they come in with that just making somebody be like okay i'm just trying to do my leg day yeah and they get charges a lot of them get charges and i mean it's a risque it's a risky adventure yes it is tough also be tactful it is but also it's tough to know when uh you know sometimes it's tough to know when um online it's tough to know what's going on because there's no tone sometimes too context is lost man you don't know what somebody means you know that's why i say get off the internet asap you meet somebody you connect

it's cool but right but as soon as you can get on the phone get on facetime yeah go out for coffee like as soon as you can because how many times have you met somebody that you started we've been talking to sometimes for months yeah all right you know what i mean yeah i feel you dude this guy right here seems like a nice guy what's up cock bags well there you go that was perfect timing. Yeah. So, we... Here. I'm going to sting it for you. Tanning in your driveway like a white piece of trash. Yeah. Fuck you. No yellow Miata back there.

Is it respectable? My roommates think I'm creepy. They think I'm gay. But quite frankly, I think they're fucking gay for watching me tan. So, what do i know praise gay what do y'all think king it sting it gang gang buzz buzz bugatti huh look man where is this guy you talking little fella i used to lay out in a sting i would climb up the roof one time i was in an apartment and the other apartments were

right next to us it was about three or four feet of space in between the two buildings. Right. And I would like push my back against one building and like Spider-Man with my feet all the way up. It was three stories. Get on the roof, sun, and then come down like that. Just like a crazy, like a little lemur or whatever. What are you talking about? Like a, I don't know what it's called.

So you were a cat burglar? I could have been, dude. I mean, literally, I was, yes. I was like this. You were a little creep. You were looking in people's windows and shit? I could have been, man. Look, I did peeping time growing up, dude.

To do what? What were you up on the roof doing? Sunning? Sunning, yeah. Just catching some sun. So I think lay out wherever you can get it, man. Get that sunshine. My mom used to get a little can of beer over there and get in the side of the yard and uh the chair the whole side of the yard was sinking whole side

of our apartment complex was sinking so mom would start up there about eight inches out of the ground and she finished it about four inches out bro that is sink but we have to recover help her get pull a chair out the mud oh well this guy looks like he's at some really nice setting though it's a driveway like it's not like he's in like you know chinatown and downtown like he's at some really nice setting, though. What is a driveway? It's not like he's in Chinatown in fucking downtown LA. He's in a nice. Right. Yeah, he's got greenery in the back. I thought he was at a pool or something.

Then he showed he's in a driveway with a water hose, like a crazy person. Nice hose, too. This is the last one. Hey, Brandon. Hey, Theo. Hey, Chris. How y'all doing? This is Austin. I'm from southwest Missouri. I got a debate club for y'all.

What do y'all think about small towns versus big cities? The biggest city I've been to my whole life is probably Pensacola. What? The town I live in now is probably about 1,500 people. And I got Pensacola, it's kind of freaking me out a little bit because of all the people there. Oh, yeah. Anyways, I just wanted to see what y'all thought about little towns. This is where I live at.

Amen. Yeah, that's that kind of shit where you know everybody and everybody's in your business. Yeah, because every gang, gang, buzz, buzz, and soar. Soar, baby. You're because every... Gang, gang, buzz, buzz, and soar. Soar, baby. You're from a small place, right? Yeah, I'm from a pretty rural area. I mean, it's getting more busier now. But you can speak to the change.

How was it for you when you went from... Oh, I remember the first time I saw somebody had a dog that would be indoors in their house. Oh, wow. When I was 11 or 12, it blew my mind. You know, just blew my mind with a dog. I remember coming around the corner of my buddy's kitchen. The dog was in there.

And it was beautiful. And I didn't know what the fuck had happened. I didn't know if I'd go into heaven, if something had happened to me. Your dog is inside? It was a golden retriever. It looked like a fucking hot blonde chick. You know? I mean, it was fucking fine as fuck.

And I just remember thinking, damn, bro. You know, I don't hot blonde chick you know i mean it was fucking fine as fuck and i just remember thinking damn bro you know i don't know what you know i can't believe this because i just growing up with dogs out in the street dogs would attack people dogs were like violent aggressors they would chase you or they would fight or people would train them to uh attack stuff in the yard or bite on sticks and hang out with the tree where the hell did you grow up good grief man louisiana baby oh my god i think this though i will say this is something nice in a small place things there's more peace out there i notice when i get it out in a rural illinois i get it out in a stark county illinois they don't even have 5g out there so some of your phone is even slower so it's kind of nice it's like there is a bit of more peace to it. And you hear certain songs out there.

There's just something else to them, you know? Like, I don't know. I'm really nostalgic. So I think I like a smaller town vibe. But the options are slim, though. And that's where the options get slim. Well, I'm from L.A. I was born and raised in L.A.

But when I do go to like small places, I often think to myself, this seems like a very slow life. It seems like very family-oriented. It seems like it's nice when people are like – the person is driving and they see someone they know. They're just like, hey, Martha. You know what I mean? That kind of thing. There's something sweet about that. But I don't know if I would want to be like that my whole life.

Like, you know, when you go to a place where it's like you see a really nice mall, but then you realize that's the only mall they have. And after a while, you're like, oh, we're going to go to that mall again? And then that's like, that's it? So I don't know. I think it's hard to go back. That's the problem, too. It's hard to go back. It's hard to go back. That's the problem too. It's hard to go back. Once you've kind of experienced different, you know, some different elements and different opportunities, you know, it's hard to, it's just hard to get your mind and heart back into that same space that you had when you grew up in a smaller environment. Once you were young and that girl and she meant the world to you and she was everything and y'all went to the school dance and there's a lot of that that that that just uh

traditionalism that nostalgia that history it just means something to you you know but once you get out and you're like oh and this and that and this and that and then you were like oh shit so women don't always have to be fat that's when you were really like you were like you were like oh shit but it's hard to go uh-huh it's hard to go back but then also you appreciate if that woman if she was a little thick or whatever there pre there was a different level of appreciation once you got out and saw like all the billboards and like, this is what the woman's supposed to look like. Once you got kind of some of it's a bit of mismanagement and unrealisticness that comes with knowing more

or seeing more. There's nothing I love more than just being on a back road listening to a good song that you love. What we're saying too is for this guy, don't feel bad about it. If you are a small town guy, be a small town guy and have a small town life and you're going to be, as long as you're happy,

it's fine, you know? Agreed, 100%. Yeah, because sometimes people just, they get to the city and they're like, oh, there's too many people or there's too much, you know, they just like that family atmosphere. So more power to you. Yeah, and look, you can do the next one the next time.

If you're doing reincarnation, you can do the next one the next time. Yeah, I mean, it's funny because I think i live half in one and half in the other sometimes and it feels you live in a small part of uh different ways no it gets a little bit smaller out past me though you know but you can get out there pretty quick yeah but it's still but that even nashville's so different from la oh yeah you know so much slower. I mean, even Nashville is so much slower than being in like a metropolis. I mean, LA is a metropolis. You know, when you go to a smaller place and like an Uber driver or the driver, whoever it is taking someplace. And then like, they'll be like, oh yeah, it's about to be traffic right now. And then you look and you're like,

this ain't traffic. That's always when I know that this is a small town place when they're just like, Ooh, it's about to be rush hour. And it's like, so instead of six cars on the road, there's like eight. And they think like, oh, my God. And you'd be like, wow, in LA, to go 10 miles at 4 o'clock could take you an hour. So it's like a totally different vibe. Could take you in August. That thing, it definitely is different.

So yeah, I think just having that level of amount of people. And a small town, you have to see those people again. So there's a level of respect you have to give to the time you spend. There's a level of, you have to value connection more. Because you have to see those people again. You're going to see that person three times that week, you know? Whereas in LA, you may never, there is a great chance you will never see somebody again. Even your own neighbors.

Yeah. Even yourself. Like even when I'm in my parking lot and I realize I see the cars around me and I realize I haven't seen this person in two months. Like we haven't even crossed paths like going to our cars. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It's crazy, man. It's crazy. So it's a different environment. But yeah, I don't think that's a great point. I don't think anybody should feel bad about living in one or the other. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy. So it's a different environment. But, yeah, I don't think there's – that's a great point. I don't think anybody should feel bad about living in one or the other. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But finding the peace of heart wherever you're at, and that's the big toil of life overall, you know, is how to find that peace.

Because what's crazy is the grass is always greener too. So it's like there might be one person who's like, I love small-town life, and then another person's like, oh, I wish I was in a big city. And they just don't realize that maybe you're living where you should live. And you just enjoy the peace that you have. Yeah, what do they say, Chin? The bok choy is always bok choyer or whatever?

Isn't there a saying like that? I don't know about bok choy. Yeah, I think he had some Chinese food last night. And you had that with some chicken or shrimp. What is a bok choy? You had a bok choy. I mean, I think it's like

a Chinese vegetable, isn't it? I thought I heard it's like a green. Bok choy is always bok choy or whatever. Choy-er. What show is this, dude?

What are we doing? I don't know. It's over. It's over? It's over. Dang. Well, I know Eric's got some dates

coming up. Where you at? In Florida, Eric? No, I'm going to be in Arlington, Texas. All right. All right. I'm going to be in. Let me see.

Do I have it up? Yeah, I do. Arlington, Texas, the 26th through the 29th. And then I'm going to be on the Comedy Off-Broadway, June 2nd to the 4th. All right. I'm going to be in your part of the time. Gang, gang, baby. Kentucky, baby.

Yeah, it's not far from me. Yeah. I'll be in Savannah, Georgia,une 2nd at the johnny mercer and i'll be at an augusta georgia june 3rd montgomery june 4th alabama columbus georgia june 05 june 5th and then i'm in hollywood fort myers daytona and Hollywood, Fort Myers, Daytona, and Lakeland, June 23rd through the 26th. TheoVon.com slash tour. And also, I'm going to be in Las Vegas July 3rd. Oh. So come and get some of that.

Tickets on sale. TheoVon.com slash tour. Where you at? Where you are in Vegas? I'm not even sure. I know it's on the website. I might have to come out to Vegas. I love Vegas.

Yeah, that's in the same fight as the Israel Adesanya fight. Oh, shit. So I might be going to that as well. I like when you're in an auditorium. That's a good name for a place. You seem like an auditorium guy. I like that. It could be interesting.

Seems rural. I like that. That auditorium amphitheater. I wouldn't mind doing some. Yeah. Get to a small tour. Like the auditorium tour? Yeah.

Melomania. Thanks, guys. Gang, gang, baby. How many times I gotta make this song? Ay, hold on, what is this? Now y'all wanna switch? Y'all just added Stevie and Eric and now y'all adding Chris? How's that gonna fit? Wait, I get the gist I just probably have to slow it down and hit it like this It's the king, the wing, and the sting It's the wing and the king and the sting Hold on, hold on

Hold on, wait a minute, let me think It's the king and the sting and the wing Let's go King and the sting and the wing Brought it full circle, and put on the whole team. Legendary trio, Brittany, Chris, and Theo. What you mean? You know it's the King and the Sting and the Wing.