The Golden Hour - Episode 22: Unmolested

Episode Date: June 6, 2019

Theo is fresh back from Australia and reunited with Brendan. The boys talk chlamydia, Jet Li jet lag, Small Dick Energy, Foster can noses, Old Town Road, Nippleback, levitating bat boy, Asian hat dick pics, relationship advice for an Arthur cartoon lookalike, Game of Throw rugs, Dustin Poirier vs Khabib Nurmagomedov, uploading carbs and much more!Policy Genius - https://www.policygenius.comDave.com - https://dave.com/katsOllie - https://www.myollie.com/try/katsMVMT - https://www.mvmt.com/katsLearn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoicesSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

When you go on holiday, there is no finer achievement than doing absolutely nothing. Nothing on the beach, nothing by the pool, walking kind of nowhere and chatting about nothing. As an Expedia member, you can save up to 30% when you add a hotel to your flight. So you can have a bit more money to go out there with great ambition to do absolutely nothing. Expedia. Made to travel. Don't touch me, bro. I'm not touching you, dude. Oh, good day, brother. How you going, man?

You've changed. No. You came back from Australia. Just walking around different. You think you're... Really? You think you're better than this, man? No, I don't think I'm better than anything, brother. Happy to be here, man.

How you going? Hey, mate. Good day, brother. Did you drink a lot of Fosters? Huh? Did you drink Fosters out there? I smelled it on a lot of people's breath fosters is actually an american thing is it really yeah oh jesus christ crikey yeah we had

a good time man i saw giraffe not giraffe what is it kangaroo you saw a kangaroo yeah did you get close with one it's like a giraffe that was in like a really bad accident i feel like um oh yeah i got close you can go in the park and pet them dude yeah they're basically the el caminos of the animal kingdom they're everywhere aren't they yeah because they got real short arms like they can't even you know they can't even touch their two hands together they can't so they had like a little if one of them had like a little um they're basically t-rex but with fur like say if it was going to roll some dice right and then one you want to roll dice, you want to switch to your other hand, your lucky hand.

They can't do that. You got to pop it like this. Yeah, you got to throw it over. And then throw it back. Like a midget at a strip club. Yeah, like a midget trying to, you know, having grapes, you know? Tossing nuts in its mouth. Like a little person with a broken arm having grapes, man.

Just a real travesty bro those kangaroos are on uh nyquil or something they're they're they're on downers bro because they're not excited when you're there are they i've been there man they're like touch the kangaroo i was like what's wrong with them yeah just tired it was a unique group i'll say that man they had one uh they had a couple of mixed boys out there ones that i think maybe had like a one black parent or whatever and they were fucking wilding were they yeah you saw one over there having like a uh not a cigarette but like a little blunt or something you know a little blunt down under yeah dude i'm fucking getting lit up down under listening to

some uh you know listening to some trick daddy and stuff like that it seemed like well trick daddy baby because i'm a thug you know it was all it was wild but yeah man everybody said hello bro a lot of people asked about you they're like what the fuck is up with that guy bring ding brendan yeah. Like, tell Brendan to go fuck himself. Oh, very cool. That was cool. Very cool. Thank you, man. Yeah, sorry.

And I told that guy, I said, no, I'm not going to tell him that, but then I just forgot. Then you just did it. That's all good, dude. You got jet lagged. I was in Cleveland somewhere. Oh, I got jet lagged. I watched Jet Li on the airplane. Double Jet Li on the jet lag.

Oh, yeah. It's bad, bro. It's really, I start talking in Chinese you do that in the middle of the night I can't even help it that's how it goes dude it's getting did you see a koala yeah I seen a koala I held a koala can we cut to that pic of me holding a koala it's on beautiful and actually they really look like chin a little bit the koalas do look like chin I've actually seen chin with a koala and it's basically a family reunion oh yeah everybody asked about you about chin too because chin went when you went yeah she went to best trip

ever yeah really best trip ever there and uh island australian island the best two points dublin was dope yeah wow we had a good time chin and that koala are way too uh adorable friendly with each other i could see that dude if i were a koala dude and I saw you, I'd be like, oh my God. Papa, papa. The koala was going, papa, papa. I went, wow, they speak English. Papa, papa. Da, da.

Da, da. And then we'll fight chlamydia. But chlamydia, dude, what is it? It's just a fucking- A pill gets rid of it. Yeah, it's something like- Everyone chill. You get it on Saturday and you finish with it by Wednesday.

If you don't have an Australia, you ain't doing it right. That's why I hope you got it. Oh, bro, I'll say this, man, but everybody was asking about you, and then a couple times on stage, you know, I brought up the idea of maybe doing like a live King and the Sting for them, and they were amped. One guy killed his friend right there. He was so excited.

One guy just unleashed an alligator on his friend? Yeah. Some guy said gang-gang gang hanging some other dude said buzz buzz and hit his friend with a sword he's like bulls bulls brother dude one you know i was in cleveland doing shows and at the meet and greet a girl came up to me got in my face nose to nose and was like be nice to theo man yeah be nice to theo i went what she goes you need to back off of him. I went, he's the one who roasts

me on the show. I'm just trying to be cool, man. And she's like, be nice to him. He needs the help. I'm like, he need help? I said, you know what he's doing right now in Australia? He's like Dave Chappelle out there. Chill, lady. She was cool, though. Then she walked by and looked at me and smiled

and went, buzz, buzz. I was like, alright. Alright. you don't have mental health issues at all have a good day have a good day lady a lot of undercover buzz buzzers over there in cleveland yeah dude you are dressed today you look like a fucking blacker drake dude that's the crazy thing is you look blacker than drake how close is drake to getting his ass beaten by draymond green my god so close i've been stealing draymond green that he's trash dude i'm rocking this today my boy sent it to me and he also sent you a death deathless shrimp oh yeah yeah you gave it to me i saw you walking authentic authentic son you know what's funny when you walked up with that jersey it was like in a bag and it was like green and yellow i thought you got me a subway sandwich and i was like what a

piece of shit because you came back from australia just a foot long sub real friends don't get friends foot longs dude that picture with the koala looks like you were a vietnam vet with ptsd oh dude why he looked so scared well first of all me and the koala have a very similar nose, if you notice that. Yeah, you guys are very similar. You look exhausted. Shorty want a thug right there. Dude, you a model? Why are you so tan?

Bottles in the club. That's what that koala was like. That koala's all up on your titty. Why are you so tan, bro? Oh, it nutted a little on my shirt, man. That thing was. I bet, man. You were rubbing them, and then your face looking like that. up a new titty oh you're so damn bro it nutted a little on my shirt man that thing was i bet man you're rubbing them then your face looking like that dude you're so freaking shorty wanna thug

look at that koala koala sick that koala sexy bro bottles in the club you guys get that same that same nose bro very similar foster can nose, man. What? What are you talking about, dude? I have a very small nose in a lot of black communities. I love how fucking not nocumee I grew up in. Dude, you look so fucking tired there. You look just like worn out, man. And you're so tan.

You look like you've been working a fucking glory hole outdoors in Australia. Bro, are you kidding me? You look like a guy that makes really strong smoothies for drape, bro. You look like a guy. Dude, you look like the only guy that didn't get molested by Michael Jackson and grew up. You're sad about it. You look like... Unmolested.

That's my documentary. Unmolested. Not up in here. Starring Theo Vaughn. The chosen one. Bro, you're such a bandwagon. You drive the bandwagon, dude. You're like, all aboard.

I don't even like who is it this week oh i bet you have a saint louis blues tattoo on your chest bro you're a fucking salesman bro and you're selling out what's in your briefcase out bro you're fucking selling out actually i'm going for golden state i just rocked this because my friend sent it to me and my special is available in canada bro you look like a fucking ham hock from Croatia, dude. You look like shit. Dude, you look like Kevin Spacey's lap dog. Bro, I know Kevin Spacey, too.

That's a crazy guy. I know. It's a great guy, man. Nice guy. Very talented as well. Yeah, used to be. DP just hit me up. Dustin Poirier, man.

He's training right now. Oh, fight confirmed, bro. Take your ass to buy. I just hit me up. Dustin Poirier, man. He's training right now. Oh, fight confirmed, bro. Take your ass to Dubai. I'm thinking about it. Yeah. I'm off that weekend and I'm going to go to Europe right after. ISIS would love to see you. What?

Would you go? Absolutely not. You wouldn't? No. Why? For free? Yeah. If we were doing shows, I don't travel for free, brother.

Right. You're taking away from my son. To see that, though? To see the fucking legend? It's going to be dope. right no you take me away from that though to see the fucking night it's gonna be dope not flying 37 hours to dubai sitting front row to watch that fight be at my house just click watching dustin do work dude he was on the show while you were gone yeah i saw the i put the picture on my instagram man i was jealous was it cool yeah he's the best man you got me choked up

did he yeah he got me choked up on air talking about his girl being with him from day one. Yeah. I was like, damn, you got to ride or die, man. Yeah, dude, he's a unique guy, man. And he's actually a lot funnier. Like, you got to get to know his personality. But he actually has a goofy side, too, you know? No, he's funny for sure.

He's an interesting dude. Bro, I asked him one time. I was like, so, you know, what about school? He, like, what school? Like, eighth grade. Yeah, he said you and him went to the same home school. I was laughing. I was laughing. I was laughing.

I swear. Whatever, dude. You think in Louisiana everybody's in home school? I just thought they stopped in fifth grade in Louisiana. Like there's only elementary, and then after that, they're all, nah, you got this. Oh, whatever, man. Figure it out, Louisiana. Bro, whatever, dude.

You're built like that last piece of bread, bro. That fucking. You talking about the bun at the end? The burnt bun? That thick whatever, dude. You're built like that last piece of bread, bro. That fucking... You talking about the bun at the end? The burnt bun? That thick round, bro. In a lot of gay circles, you're known as that last piece of bread. All right, man.

It's because you and Dustin didn't finish fifth grade. You got to take your anger out on me. It's not my fault your mom fucked up your curriculum. There's 12 grades, you idiot. Okay? Not for you guys. There's only five. Bro, bet the under, dude, if you're Louisiana.

Bet the under. Louisiana education. 12 under, bro. Yeah. Public schools. Bro, I remember 10th grade in Louisiana was recipes. That was our main class. That was it.

And then to graduate, you had to learn magic. Yeah. Dude, I'm thinking about going to the fight, though. We'll see, man. Are you really? Dude, stay home. But I have to go to Europe. Oh, you're on tour in Europe?

I'm heading to Europe that following week. So you're going to bounce? So you're going to go before and then bounce? Yeah, I'm nervous about being in that audience. Like if people would attack you or something. Nah, here's the thing. Dustin brought up the same point. He was like, you know, if I win, I got to get out of there.

It's not like that. That place is so modern, Americanized, so much money. There's none of that shit going on there. Really, dude? They don't have anything to worry about. Have you heard of the Middle East? Yeah, I have. There's a lot of good places, man.

Don't let ISIS scare you away. What kind of good place are you talking about? Would they do anything to you? Hooters? Okay. They don't have Hooters in fucking the Middle East, bro. That's the embassy. Muslims don't fuck with Hooters.

Dude, in some countries, Hooters is like the American embassy. Yeah, it's called New Orleans. You and Dustin would have nothing to worry about. I don't know, man. It's such a tough fight for him, though, brother. Oh, yeah. I've never rude so hard for anyone in my life. After we got done, I gave him a hug.

I was like, I love you, man. And then he walked away. I went, that is such a tough fight. Yeah. It's a tough fight. If Daniel Cormier was fighting him, I'd be worried for DC. Yeah. That's how good Khabib is.

But you know what? You got to fight it. That's the thing. It's like, if you don't do the fight, you don't know. You don't know. You got to do the fight. What is the other option? Not doing the fight?

No, that's his job. Right. That's the thing. If you're a milk driver, bro. If you're a milk driver, you got to do the fight. What is the other option? Not doing the fight? No, that's his job. Right. That's the thing. If you're a milk driver, bro, if you're a milk driver, you got to drop that fucking nectar of the cow off, bro. Drop that white nectar off. But the thing is with Dustin, if you're going to fight Khabib, do we have to do it in Dubai? Can we not do it out here?

I would ask for more neutral ground. Do we have to stack all the chips against them? I would agree. But they've been stacked against them his whole life, man. I would do it in a neutral ground I feel like, like maybe Haiti or something. Do it in England. Yeah, do it in fucking England. Yeah. I like England, dude. I asked Dustin,

I'm like, dude, do you have any control? And he's like, nah. They're going to tell me and I just got to go. I said, but then when you beat them, then you demand to fight in New Orleans. Oh, yeah. I would demand to fight in your fucking front yard. What? I would demand to fight in your front yard. Backyard in Miami.

Dude, I'd fight in the back of my mother's womb, bro, on fucking home turf. You feel me? Nobody's beating you there, dude. They hopefully not. Nobody's beating you there, bro. If someone is, it's going to be that Dagestanian nightmare. Oh, yeah, but I don't know, man. You seen him fight before?

Huh? Yeah, I've watched some of his fights. Dude, he uses his legs don't know, man. You seen him fight before? Huh? Yeah, I've watched some of his fights. Dude, he uses his legs too much, I think. You know what I'm saying? You think he kicks too much? Or you think you just want more boxing? I'm just more of an... It's like, look, it's boxing, dude.

If it were... I think he'd probably, undeniably, pound for pound, the best twister player in the entire fucking world would be Khabib. Khabib? Yeah.

Pretty good. The guy has legs, bro. He's like a... You know, he's like a uh you know he's like a tarantula man he has like 70 legs a russian tarantula i don't think they exist dude i wouldn't be surprised if at night his legs fuck each other and make another good leg you know i'm saying it just keeps multiplying oh bro yes bro his legs are like arms dude yeah it's like he's got nine arms dude i feel like i haven't seen you in two years really yeah quit

thinking about me that much, man. Well, sorry, man. I missed you, dude. Well, everybody was asking about you and the tall Viet, Mr. Chin over there. Wow. Chin took Australia by storm. Yeah. That's awesome.

Still, you can still see his shadow in some places. I'll never forget Chin because I came out with no openers, nothing. I just go out cold. Yeah, crazy idea. Theaters when I was first- I know who you're going to say right now, I just go out cold. Yeah, crazy idea. Theaters when I was first. I know who you're going to say right now too. Go out cold. That's my sex move.

Go out cold and wet. And Chin would introduce me. I'll never forget this. Chin would go, all right, everybody. This is how they would hear that. I cannot imagine Chin introducing anything but a funeral, a very passive funeral. Or a phone call to the murder victim's family. So this is what Chin did. Introducing anything but a funeral, a very passive funeral. Or a phone call to the murder victim's family.

So this is what Chunditi went, all right, everybody, put your hands together. You know him from the Big Brown Breakdown and Fighting the Kid. He's my boss, Brendan Schaub. My boss. And I came, I went to him, I went, dude, you got to stop with the my boss stuff that's not that ain't good dude that's a yeah it's a sex term in a lot of those foreign countries my boss and uh he runs a tight ship and uh hope he treats you guys better than does me uh get ready to laugh uh here he is yeah get ready to fill out a w9 like i did when i met the guy get ready to work overtime and i get paid for it.

So I feel like I work at Apple. He's my boss, and here's Brendan Schaub. Yeah. Chin's a freaking legend out in Australia. Dude, take it on the chin. Khabib's going to, bro. Let's fucking get into this episode, man. It's good to be back.

It's good to be back. Don't fucking touch me, bro. You got chlamydia. Dude, I may have it, actually. I will say this, man. I went straight with a a koala didn't shower went to the plane and my eyes were swollen the whole way home my eyes are a little itchy and they're i felt this i think i'm allergic to koalas and especially those noses and you have the similar

noses i'm having an allergic reaction right now oh i could imagine that dude i could imagine you where are we up what we got first jim Derek, Chin's running the keyboards today. Shout out to Nick and Derek. Yeah. Shout out to Nick and Derek. And that is very passive-aggressive there by Chin. Nick's in jail right now

for, we don't know, but it involves small children. Teamwork. And then Derek is on the road with Pauly Shore, so he can't be here. First of all, Nick was a premature baby,

so he's way outkicked his coverage. He was born three weeks before he was supposed to be. Every day is goals for him. Can you imagine? Every day is hashtag goals for him. Can you imagine? Every day is hashtag goals. Yeah. Can you imagine that, dude?

Nice. Ooh. Ooh. Throwing bows. Put your hands together. He's my boss. What do you got, Jay? Come to the main stage. It's my boss. There you go.

First one for KFC is Oliver Santana. What are we doing right now? King of Stinget. The deal was good. Had a King of Stinget for you guys. Restarted, Chin. Restarted. We ain't even ready, bro.

We're in a new studio. You're not prepared today, Chin. Unbelievable, dude. Here we go. The deal was good. Had a King of Stinget for you guys. Chan, I can't believe you're not prepared today, Chan. Unbelievable, dude. Here we go. Redmond Theo was good. Had a King of Sting it for you guys. Gang, bro. Nice lighting, sir.

Massachusetts. So, there's this song that everyone's debating about and saying it's not country or it is country. And I just want to know your opinion on it. What's your opinion on that Lil Nas Old Town Road song, King of Sting It? You know that song?

Yeah, dude. Can someone hit it for me? Can someone just play a little bit for me? Just fucking... Dude, a black dude taking over country? I'm into it, bro. Dude, you didn't see this shit in Australia. They don't move like this.

Bro, you dance like a fucking 60 this 60 year old woman in florida damn he made a movie it's a long one oh there they go got that fiddle hear that fiddle this is what i do in the club like this bro oh my god are you a stripper no i'm what happened you got something stuck in your pants nah There they go. You got that fiddle. Hear that fiddle? This is what I do in the club like this, bro. Oh, my God. Are you a stripper? No, I'm... What happened? You got something stuck in your pants?

No, I'm a rodeo, bro. What time? Oh, I'm going to... Billy Ray Cyrus up in this joint. Bro, you look like Billy Ray Cyrus. He made every wrong choice in life. Damn. It's okay, man.

I don't think it's that great. What? Can you, dude? That is the jam of 2019. And you got Billy Ray Cyrus on there. The man who made Miley Cyrus. Yeah, I'm in, bro. Yeah. First of all, dude, that hits.

You couldn't help but your dicks are popping, bro. Even though you're tired and you're from Australia, you're jet lagged like a motherfucker. Your dicks are popping. Dude, you're going to blow a fucking, you're going to blow a L7S9, bro. What I'm saying is anybody could conceive Miley Cyrus, dude. All you need is a fucking bong and a long afternoon, I feel like, and a skill crane. She looks like something that was conceived with a nice ovary and a skill crane. Dude, how dare you?

That's a songbird of our generation, you fuck. Dude, wasn't she finger banging herself on the top of a Volkswagen like two years ago eating weed or something? No. Let's tighten up and be realistic, okay? Dude, you're talking about her song Wrecking Ball. Yeah.

The jam of 2017. Okay. Which I admit was a good song if you were home by yourself at night. Yes. All right. She married Thor's little brother. Did she?

Yeah, killing it. Yeah, but that guy was one of the Winklevoss twins wasn't he a lot of those guys seem like shit you both you and your brother are fucking handsome get the fuck out of here dude don't say that doesn't end well one of them's gonna get hit by a truck or walk into one of those blades like a at an airport like that model accidentally did dude here's the thing why you gotta king this country song because at first the white country song that's what the man wants to know it is because the white people denied it and then he went all right cool hold my bear and then he went and got billy ray cyrus and then he got the stamp of approval that's the number one song in america but it's the number one country song yeah number one country song it is

yeah it's like the number one too right it's number one it's definitely number one song country took it off their list really like this ain't country they went all right and then billy ray cyrus like no i'll help you out yeah now it's number one i don't think that country took it off because they were racist i think they just think is this country music you know to me it is like a mix it's like a country kind of rap that's what it is a little bit more um but i think it's a great song man i think it's catchy i don't think i would argue of whether or not it's country great song, man. I think... Ooh, it's catchy. I don't think I would argue of whether or not it's country. I don't think...

Who cares about that shit? It's the number one song. It's like you don't even need the country chart. It's... Does genre matter? Yeah, does it matter anymore? A lot of things are merged,

but then I thought of Shania Twain. She had that kick, turn, stomp, stomp. Remember that song back in the day? I feel like a woman. Uh-oh, totally crazy. Yeah, that was a little bit wild, you know? But this one, I mean, I don't know. Do they talk about fucking in it?

Who knows, man? It's a banger, man. That thing drives doubt. I feel like I'm in Django just fucking, uh. Yeah. Oh, you definitely seem, you know, unchained, bro. Yeah. And I think, yeah, it's amazing, man.

I'm going to take take my horse horse down the road till i can't ride in the back horse they use the word horse a lot a lot of horses riding on a horse he hat is matte black or just black um tractor lean all in my bladder that's pretty good that could have been the line that turned them off too you know a lot of country songs don't have lean in them so maybe they're like well is this country you know also you can whip your porsche not a lot of country songs have porsches in them yeah i cheated on my baby now there you're back in the country my life is a movie wrangler on my booty bull riding in boobies cowboy hat from gucci wrangler on my booty yeah Yeah. Dude, this is poetry.

Oh, it's beautiful, man. It's science. Oh, it's definitely, dude. It's a little. Definitely King It. Definitely King It. Is it country? I mean, I don't think it matters. It's the number one song.

It's everything. I think it's a hit. King It, man. Nice. This one's from Angela Ellis. Hey, Theo. Hey, Brendan. What's up, Shorty?

What's up, girl? Angie Collin from Upstate New York. Cole. Huge fan of the podcast. All of them. Been following you guys for a while. Saw Theo in Buffalo back in November. Awesome show.

Tons of laughs. Gang. Can't wait till you come back. Thank you. Brendan, just wondering what's taking you so long to get your ass to Upstate. I was there before Theo, girl. Nobody remembers that. I was in Helium.

So I won a King it or Sting it participation trophy. Played for the Bills. I coach my daughter sports, and I know we're supposed to make all kids feel special these days, but let's face it, some kids really just aren't great, and I don't think it sets them up well later in life. I agree. I guess I'm just wondering where you guys stand on it.

So keep doing what you're doing. Gang, gang, buzz, buzz. Buzz, buzz. That's why people show soft. You don't get a trophy for participating. You got to stand out. You got to beat the rest of the people. You got to win.

I beat my son in a race the other day. He didn't get his cookie. You got to win. You got to win. Yeah, I think you gotta look if there's no adversity then there's no uh there's no um there's no journey i feel like you know like what's the journey if everybody's okay and then the truth is everybody gets the trophy your good trophy but then really little fucking stanley's the one hitting the dingers so he's the one getting all the accolades

he's the one getting you know somebody's showing him the tits in the van or whatever after the game he's getting all the goodies extra orange slices and you try to climb in the van thinking you're gonna get some tits and you're like nah man you fucking you suck dude these peewee lizards aren't for you bro you gotta hit them homers yeah dude you gotta have somebody to be you know that's how that kid learns hey i'm a statistician you know exactly if we're all getting trophies like damn maybe i can't go to the nba nah man dude daryl over there's going to the nba yeah yeah daryl's going to the nba you're not even though we all get the same trophy daryl should probably stay playing basketball you should get in the books.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Donald should get a contractor's license. It's different. I agree. Dude, that's how I learned. Look, and when it comes to baseball, I'm best in the concession stand, bro.

Dude, they put me in deep left one time. What grade? Oh, I was valet, bro. I was valet parker. I was in my fifth grade. Fifth? Yeah. Put all the shitty kids.

No one can hit it that far. Dude, deep left. Like, we had a left fielder, and then I was in deep left, dude, like out by the cars. Like, I remember at one point just getting in somebody's van, resting. I remember eating some fucking mushrooms out there when we were in an away game and fucking losing my shit, bro. You know the game was over? Oh, yeah, dude. The game, fucking losing my shit the game was over oh yeah dude

game three all thanks for the work oh i was playing the 30th inning back in the woods was fucking trying to reorganize my toes dude i was fucked up on some boomers daddy daddy number double zero so i look i agree with you participation trophies eat a dick man they got too many soft young bucks rolling out there you know you got a guy rolling in uh trying to get into northern illinois state university and he's rolling up there with a you know i did you know i was seventh honorable mention out there you know in uh stanley's plumbing golden vikings and they're like first team all shit yeah get out of here get out of here it's not for everyone man not everyone should get a trophy That's why some people are pussies.

Yeah, if everybody gets a trophy, then there's no point in having a trophy. Yeah, if everyone can have it and you didn't earn it, what are we doing, man? Yeah. I don't think they should give all the kids orange slices at halftime. Yeah. It's not a bad game. My dad was like, nah, you ain't getting water. You don't get to get orange slice.

Dude, you know who got orange slices? Shout out to my dad. Who got orange slices? The kid whose mom made him orange slices, dude. Yeah. Or the kid who scored touchdowns. He needed the electrolytes and the sugar. Not me.

Yeah, the rest of us had scoliosis and scurvy out the wang, bro. You know? Yeah, bro. My buddy, yeah. My buddy, he could do cool tricks on his backbone with a marble. He never had enough vitamin C. And did he get a trophy? No, he didn't get a trophy, dude. dancer though i'll say that all right you know you know

what he got was a health problem oh dude yeah he's got way i mean only certain type of shirts will really fit him unique shirts yeah i probably guess but let's get into it angela i think you're onto something upstate new york so two stingets all right do's any trophies as a kid? Yeah, a lot. For what RC car racing, arson car or burning cars? Wow. Unbelievable, dude. Unbelievable.

One of the old used to race remote control cars. Yeah. That's right. Damn built them racing. You built them yourself. First place all the time. Okay, what do you what do you go with You built them yourself? First place all the time. Damn. Where do you go with that, though?

Where would you race these at? This place is called RCH. Did you ever think about jumping in a real car so you could get a profession out of it? My Honda Civic. Remember? Yeah. Chin. Oh, I knew you had a Honda Civic without ever even knowing you.

Dude, every Asian person I've ever met has had a Honda Civic. Yeah. It's fixed up and everything. Oh, of course it is, dude. I can see the fucking fan on the back right now. Yeah, but did you think about racing that thing i did race it he's a racist very very slow but we did race just in a straight line you were on a track tracks and streets damn you did tracks yeah do you want awards uh second place all right vin diesel that's what i'm talking

to chinn diesel they call him diesel fast and furious 19 over here dude all right furious definitely dude furious furious nick fucking stood him up and made him work at the last minute so diesel they call him diesel fast and furious 19 over here dude all right furious definitely dude furious because nick fucking stood him up and made him work at the last minute so good luck surviving tomorrow nick yeah and he's gonna he's gonna get there quick super quick yeah but you'll hear coming a mile away giant fin like a whale all right what else i else do we have? I did have a super spoiler. All right, next one is your favorite dude. Yeah, I know you did. J-Rod.

Oh, our boy. Yeah. King's thing. It's your boy J-Rod. I love this guy. There's something going on these days, and I'm just not quite sure of it. King's dick. Take a dick, pigs.

God damn it. My dick looks old as fuck. take a dick piece dude i love this guy his best one yet is he on salary he should be he should he's on medication medication too that bro well he's definitely on some list too he wears that panty on his head yeah i hope he has a therapist i like that guy though i like j rod do dick pics tricky tricky game also you gotta get the right angle the lighting even a small dick if you got that big dick energy it's easy take it from anywhere you get the small dick energy it's all about the angles bro the lighting grease it up get creative yeah maybe put some put draw some eyes on it you know what i'm saying put a little fur coat on it or uh sometime we used to do this trick you get like if you caught a small fish you put it in the back of like a little uh remote control truck and you take a picture like oh i caught this big fish oh that's dope so that's the thing you can do get a

micro machine yeah make your dick look like and lay your dick over the top of it put some rope on it yeah that's a great idea dude be like damn you gotta get creative man yeah draw some eyes on it i like what i like to do from time to time is i like to take the wrapper from a cadbury egg just put over the tip of your dick oh yeah yeah yeah do that old like uh it's like world war one do that old ho chi minh kind of attack sort of thing when they had the those special hats oh you're talking about d-day um there's also where you can i am i think so dude well there's also like the trojan horse move you know what i'm saying oh yeah yeah but you want to hype it up because then when when what is that one is that the one where you hide in somebody's yard and throw a bunch of semen through their window you could or you just kind of put it over the

sheets and you just you know you get the good angle and it's just like on the sheets so it looks like it's a trojan horse but really it's just a small dick in there yeah you'll be all right dude damn chin brought up trojan horses i'd be even lonelier if i put on that dead left shrimp jersey look at this pizza hat by some fucking cartoon take a picture let's see who that guy is modeling the dog hey his goal is to become a serious actor this is the only gig this man got ain't that a bitch you can see you could buy a small one of those and put around your dick though oh yeah if you had a fun hat on your dick a french hat pay your dick black make it look like a mori eel put in one of those and put it around your dick, though. Oh, yeah. If you had a fun hat on your dick. A French hat.

Paint your dick black. Make it look like a Moray eel. Put it in a tank. Put it with some fucking bubble guppies. And my wiener kind of looks like a fat Asian guy with one of those hats on. Can you Google fat guy with hat, Asian? Yeah. Your dick looks like Chef Boyardee.

Chef Boyardee. Chef Boyardee cockatiel. Yeah, my dick looks like chef boyardee uh chef boyardee chef boyard cockatiel yeah my dick looks just like that dude i'm not joking oh yeah all right what else we got uh i say oh yeah there it is who is that i should get that guy to do it's korean too oh he is korean Of course he is, dude. A very Korean kind of dick area. You know? He looks soft, though, you know?

Like, nice. Oh, yeah. Yeah, no idea. Dude, here's the thing with dick pics. Same shoulders as my dick. Here's the thing with dick pics. Make sure when you do blast it out, it's a good one. Because if it does leak, you want it to be like, oh, my God.

I can't believe they posted that. Yeah. You don't want a bad dick pic getting out there. Make sure if you're going to send it, that thing's flawless. Yeah. That's the only advice I got for you. Yeah, and I've also, you know, I know a guy named Jason Tebow. He's a comedian, and he's a neat guy, you know,

wears like different shirts and stuff every time I see him. And he let me use his dick for a couple years d picks and i paid him like 40 for two dick pics and i would use those were they good rent a dick that's not bad business rent a dick so everyone's like oh my god they were good man he fucking had a cigarette burn on the edge of it that wasn't my style but that's him right there that's my boy he had that very kind of like he had that renaissance fair looking kind of dick. He had the battle dick, like his front and center. Like a dick, like it had just eaten a big turkey leg and maybe wanted a little jousting.

All right. Well, good on him. But it was also maybe going to paint this afternoon. Total Ren Fair type of wiener. Rent a dick, bro. I say if you're going to send them, they better be good. But in general, price. Dang it.

Yeah, I'm going to sting dick dicks, man. I think it's disgusting. Be careful out there. Yeah, take care of your dick. Yeah. Show your dick in person. Do the old-fashioned run-up. Show your dick real fast and run off.

Yeah, we call it flashing. Yeah. This is so loud. Fucking, this is so loud. Here, let me see something. Oh, there we go. There we go. That thing is so loud.

All right, moving on to Rip My Drip. First one is Bravans McNutt from Atlanta, Georgia. Bravans McNutt, dude? I'm guessing it's the dude. Bravans McNutt. Definitely not his real name, but shout out to Bravans. No, I guess Jewish and Irish, you think? He looks like Armenian and Italian in that suit. guessing it's the dude bravans mcnutt definitely not his real name but no i guess jewish and irish you think uh he looks like armenian and italian in that suit good call bravans mcnutt dude mcnutt

all over that dress god damn brother got that gucci top huh that's he looks very uh liberace ish and he dressed his girl looks like in a like santa's car seat bro looks like that looks like he ripped the fucking seats out of an old old mosby it's sexy bro maroon thrive bro that's a sexy look on that little dame right there but yeah look at the pup in the back oh he looks like a hate he looks like a race war going on like if you look at it he looks like uh john varvade like uh like like if john varvade was wearing Game of Thrones, he would wear that. That's what it looks like. I don't know what's going on there, man. Big hand, too.

Let's see his hand. God damn, check out the dick beaters on this dude. He's obviously the hand of the king. I'm in the third season now of Game of Thrones. You're on three? Yeah. Good luck. You know, Lororis is a homosexual too

that guy's gonna probably die that guy has the black lung apparently well well definitely got the white lung i know that boy here a couple grams rattling in his fucking couple of loose rocks. Look at the hand on that guy. Yeah. That's some fat ass hands. That's the hand of the King, bro. Let's see that jacket again.

Oh dude. Yeah. He looks like, uh, he looks like the, or he looks like a nice guy. Let me say that. He looks like he owns every nightclub in LA. He looks like he runs the front rope at a nightclub. He looks like the same pattern they use for everything at the Cosmopolitan Hotel in Las Vegas. That's exactly what he looks like.

He looks like he can give you the best table at STK Steakhouse. Yeah. At Cosmopolitan. Oh, he looks definitely sexy, but also relaxed, like game of throw rugs. Yeah, he looks like the guy that always stays at Hard Rock Cafe. Oh, yeah. 24 hours a day. 24-7.

Yeah, it looks like he goes out in his car and eats an omelet in his car to save money and then goes back inside. He looks like he has a yearly membership to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Wow, man. I didn't think you were going to make me laugh, man. Thanks, dude. You did, bro. I did. Welcome back. Don't fucking touch me. Don't touch me. wow man i didn't think you're gonna make me laugh man oh thanks dude you did bro i did welcome back don't touch me don't touch me what else we got man all right there's some info on this next guy his name is john o'connor uh he's a bat boy for the tampa bay rays and the picture was taken on

opening day wants to see brennan wants to send brennan one of their dope devil rays throwback jerseys oh i'd love that dog here hell yeah he's a levitator huh oh damn bill gates got tall yeah oh it looks like minute bowl gates dude how tall is this dude look like minute ball and bill gates fucking just had a baby in a lab yeah that's what happened look like sean bradley and bill gates fought it that's an old school reference someone knows people know exactly okay just check in dude yeah he looks uh he looks a little bit like elton john as well can you zoom in on his face a little yeah beautiful young guy look at him happy too is he polish probably if being that happy i'd

assume so straight teeth i bet he's the best fucking bat boy in all of america it's hard to find quick to grab those he's a bad boy yeah for tampa bay oh devil house beautiful area out there too i love tampa eborg oh definitely hell yeah eborg city man they had a lot of gay men down there and a lot of thugs too yeah it's very confusing a lot of trap houses a lot of strip clubs i don't know which one i'm going into both a good time both pretty cheap actually yeah some guy rolled up on me and uh and tried to get me to uh jerk off in my wallet and then give it to him so i'm like is this i don't know if it was like a gay guy or a thug yeah yeah there's a lot going on

yeah but yeah he seems like a nice guy tampa bay dude let's let's get that tampa i'll rock that devil rays jersey baby and how is he able to levitate like that can we just look at the fact that he is levitating what kicks are those from here it looks like reebok oh who gives a fuck what kicks they are the guy is levitating how does that not because you can buy shoes that do that for you. No, you can't. You've never seen Back to the Future. The mags. Wow. Look, he's got the ankles of a freaking young ballerina or someone that was raised in a

cage and not let into the sun. Those look like some kicks my Aunt Nubby would wear. Are those socks or is that his natural skin tone? I think it's his natural skin tone. Out in Tampa, that's a tough dude, too. It's impressive. Yeah, that is so white, bro. That is like sheep white.

Good for him, dude. Shout out to this dude. Good luck with Tampa Bay, son. Let's get that Buzz Buzz jersey going. Go D-Rays, baby. Gang, gang, son. Buzz it, Buzz. Next one's from Felicity Hallett from Halifax, Nova Scotia.

She sounds hot. If I even see her, she sounds hot. And she says, trying to hide his she says tell brain how much i love him step your dick up chin oh mamacita we got a little london lover here she's in london nova scotia yeah you well she has the british flag tattoo on her forearm, bro. That ain't a British flag, dude. Yeah, that's Great Britain, dude.

And she has the skyline of London. God damn it. Your mom didn't... That's the Uncle Jack, bro. That is. That's the Uncle Jack. That's the British flag. Dude, she is...

Nova Scotia. Nova. Nova for Shosha, bro. Yeah, Nova. Sign me up. She's got both of her tits, which is very rare in a lot of areas out there when you get into the really deep end of the woods. You know, Nova Scotia, dude, they don't even have post office or anything.

If you want to, you just hope people know how you're feeling about them. Yeah, they don't allow Facebook out there, so you can't even update your status. So it looks like she just writes her status on her tits. It's very Game of Thrones. You can ride through with a horse and just you know people take over a city do whatever you want say you're looking you know just looking for westeros and somebody will point you in a certain direction queen of the ink tits i'm not mad at her dude dude where is westeros anyway the one thing i don't like about game of thrones is it's like move to a different fucking country like you guys are all fucking land. Why are you guys fighting over this little island?

You got the whole world, you moron. Also, the bitch on the dragon, fly somewhere else, start a new colony. Don't tell me anything. God, I want to ruin it for you so bad. But you know what? You just got back from Australia, so I'm being cool, dude.

I'm being fucking cool. You know, Loris is homosexual as well. Yeah, you've said that twice now. Well, I'm learning as i go brother no but i think this lady harriet what's her name felicity oh yeah she seemed like a nice lady she's dressed up well obviously a hard worker classy look at all this classiest lady in nova scotia yeah she's not a um you know she's not the kind of lady that doesn't know where she is she's in a hallway in this picture. Looks like she's competent and knows where she's at.

Looks like she might be working in some sort of office building. Yeah. Looks like she knows Microsoft, different Microsoft programs, and probably could also be a banker or own a small business, small business owner, SBO. Or might be running a scheme, a ponzi scheme of some sort in nova scotia a lot of that goes on out there i could see what she could honeydick me she could probably yeah she could probably catfish me into stealing my money oh yeah i could see that up there in halifax yeah they get creative up there bro they got a lot of time no sun yeah they call it hella fucks too dude they don't give hella fucks yeah they don't bro

they do not do nova scotia where is it that's another great question huh puerto rico basically it's a white puerto rico uh nova scotia i'm gonna king it i don't know i'm gonna what is this one king it dude hold on rip my drip either, I'm king in her. Oh, dude. Rip my drip. That one eyebrow? Mm-hmm. What? Oh, that's that Chris D'Elia move, dude. Or the rock.

Yeah. The most famous guy on the planet. Oh, yeah. That's true, man. That's the rock that she... The rock. I'm talking about the pebble. Chris D'Elia.

Yeah, that's that people's brow right there, bro. Oh, that's the people's brow, dude. But look, if we're talking about rip my drip, then let's see that dress then, Chad. Yeah, let me rip this dress. Oh, that's the people's brow, dude. But look, if we're talking about rip my drip, let's see that dress then. Yeah, let me rip this dress. Oh, yeah. She looks like Shane McGowan's Christmas ornament, if you can get a good look at her here. She's got a very, she's got that tink. She's got a very kind of Christmassy sort of.

I would say I've seen some women sleep in that. Some would call that a nightie, where I'm from. Nova Scotia calls that a dinner gown. Yeah, that is a dinner down. Someone call that a nightie where I'm from. Nova Scotia calls that a dinner gown. Yeah, that is a dinner down. What is that? Dinner gown. Dinner down.

Dinner gown, bro. Okay. Gown starts with a G. Okay, bro. Just because you got jet lag and can't speak English. Dude, you're down. Gown, bro. Dinner gown.

Say it five times. Dinner gown. Dinner gown. Dinner gown. Dinner gown. Gown. Gown, bro. Dinner gown. Say it five times. Dinner gown. Dinner gown. Dinner gown. Dinner gown. Dinner gown. I didn't think you could do it, bro. Yeah, gown starts with a G.

Either way, she's cool, man. I'm a fan of hers. Either way, nothing. Either way. Gown starts with a G, guys. I said gown. There's no either way when it comes to the alphabet. Either way, bro. What else we got?

Good. Do it. Dodd, bro. You are an idiot. Moving on to relationship advice. First one is from Amber B. Hey, Brendan. Hey, Theo. What's up, girl? I need some relationship advice.

Yep. Buzz, buzz. I've been dating a guy for about a year. Yep. Got us teamed up. I told everyone he's my soulmate, the love of my life. I've never felt this way about anybody else before. How old is she?

He has a little girl who's five who I've yet to meet because she lives in a different state. Sure. With her mom. He's lying. And one night I wake up to him in the middle of the night telling me, Oh, by the way, baby mama's decided to move to Georgia, which is where we're at, with my kid. But don't worry. Everything's going to be fine.

There's nothing to worry about. I don't want anything to do with her. Okay. There's been some red flags. but I don't want anything to do with her. Okay. There's been some red flags. I really feel in my gut that there's more to the situation than I know.

And basically, I'm wanting advice for my two favorite people on whether I should trust my gut or... Without us him coming in. Trust him and believe him and see where it goes. Appreciate it, guys. Sorry about the dog. Anyway... Shut up to the dog. Ah, goddamn, Chin.

She's out of the house with some important info, bro. Believe him and see where it goes. Appreciate it, guys. Sorry about the dog. Anyway, Theo, hit me up. I love you. Bye. Wow.

I love you. I want Wow. I love you. I want to say that back before we keep moving forward. You seem like someone who's been doing good stuff and you seem like a nice person. I seem like a really good person. Yeah. Now you're in a relationship, but you just threw dick shade towards my boy. So how serious is the relationship? If you're trying to go after the rat king look you might get cheesy you know that's all i'm saying you might get a little

wet you start fucking with the rat oh you might get some wet cheese you might get some brie yeah here's what i'm saying is this what are you saying brendan i'm saying that if it's the love of your life he he's not a terrible person because baby mama's moving back to Georgia and she wants the kid to be closer with the dad. That's not a red flag. But there's more to it. She just gets these vibes. There's something else going on. She's never met the kid. It sounds like the guy is married or still putting it back together. A lot of guys, I'll tell you this, young ladies, and I hate to tell you this know a lot of guys i'll tell you this young ladies and i hate to tell you this a lot of guys are still married you don't want to hear that but they are so you know they are dude and you're right man but with the one thing if it's their soulmate and

they're that close just because the baby mama's moving back because she wants the kid to have relationship with the dad doesn't mean he's a bad dude. Right, it doesn't mean the guy's a bad guy. If he's hiding more shit and you catch him lying and if he's a bona fide liar, then yeah, move on and I'll slide in your DMs and give you Theo's phone number. Well, I could just do that. Why are you getting in her DMs?

She obviously already has two men on her plate. Hey. I'm that filter for you, bro. We've gone over this.'m your filter you are yeah i can't just let anyone get to the rat king you gotta go through this baby buzz buzz gotta get to the honey before you get to the rat that's true that's your filter bro i'm like the security guard for a van halen you want to fuck the band you gotta start with me you gotta start in the van get that honey starting that van full of honey buzz

buzz girl we'll see if you're good enough for the rat dude we're you've got honey we got cheese we're like a charcuterie plate bro so let me say this young lady i think you got to trust your instincts it sounds like your instincts are telling you there's some red flags here you said red flags i need more info though before i throw this dude down the gutter do you i don't think you do i've been this dude and he's a shit bag. You have a kid? Huh? You have more kids than I know?

No, but I'm pretending I've had kids somewhere that are coming back to Georgia. Okay. You know, everybody's got that kid traveling on the Underground Railroad or whatever excuse you use, you know? So I would say this, that I think you've got to take some time for yourself, do some things for yourself. If this guy's a soulmate, then it's going to work out. But I would start to have a little bit more time for yourself. Also. Don't be at his beck and call.

Don't be at it. Nah, put a little distance. Put him on that Fiji Island. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Also, you've been dating for a year and there's red flags. Soulmate, let's chill a little bit. Yeah, soul plane.

Maybe see if you guys can get through soul plane together without fuck yeah watch soul plane and see if you can avoid his cockatiel yeah because some movies you're just supposed to watch you're not supposed to fuck seven minutes into it and then just be sitting there 11 minutes into it with fucking not knowing what's going on you know what the real trick see if you can watch soul plane and not talk for the entire movie yeah if he gets through that you gotta keep her yeah i think you put him on that soul plane test good luck girl next one comes from danny solano he's from sherrock illinois met this guy before you did i think so yo was good cleo von again was good brandon swabs i to ask you guys for some relationship advice.

Swabs. Lately, man, I've been hitting the gym. I kind of feel like she's been getting inspired by those fake-ass IG girls with their edited-ass pictures. That's been inspiring her to hit the gym. She has been hitting the gym hard, doing squats, doing weights, doing sit-ups and stuff. She's working on that booty. She's trying to get it nice and tight. But I'm going to be honest with you guys.

Prior to her gym endeavors, she had that back hitter. You feel me? She had that back clapper. She had that Diaz booty. Yeah, that down syndrome. Yeah, man, I've been noticing that. She had Dia DS booty. DS got the hottest butt.

Who's Gluteus Maximus, dude? A black guy? No, no, he's in Gladiator. But don't take that ass away. One thing that doesn't get taken away is that booty. Correct, bro. Let me know what you guys think, man. All right, we got it, bro.

We got it. We got it. Keep throwing metaphors for ass ass, please. Danny. I like that, dude. Let me just say this. Danny about that booty. Danny all about that ass.

If that anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, huns, now you can do them sit-ups, but please don't use them buttocks. Listen, dude, if your girl's down to get in the gym and get them gains, you have one dance move, bro. You're like the teacher.

You're like the chaperone at the fucking high school dance. No, dude, I'm limited in this fucking government chair they got us in. You know, if I can get a little more room. What are you talking about? There are fucking chairs. I'll fucking pop, drop, and lock it, bro.

What? I know all sorts of shit. It's drop, lock, and pop it, you freak, bro. No, it's not. If you pop. That's in New Orleans. I pop, I drop, and I lock it. What?

Shut up, dude. That's like so many. You don't know what you're talking about right now. Dude, pop, drop. You've never been to a school dance in your life. Pop, drop, and lock it is when you, that's getting murder, bro. Somebody shoots you, you fall to the ground. And then you get locked up. And then they lock you up in one of those mausoleums, dude.

Death. Dude, just because your mom played the Titanic and danced with you in the living room doesn't mean you went to a school dance. Yeah. Chill, bro. My mother played Brian Adams. Everything I i do i do it for you brian mcknight one it's like a dream come true two three girl is playing to see these were easy. This shit was so fucking easy. God, that shit was weak. He was pedophile. It sounded like he was reading that to a kid. Back then, you counted to three?

Yeah. What are you, writing songs for Sesame Street? Yeah, that shit's weak, bro. Brian McKnight, I heard he has a... Anyway. Really? Yeah, it's like this Mike... White chicks love him, bro.

White chicks... All chicks love him. They do? You ever seen him in person? He used to play basketball, I think. Really? That's not racist either. Dude, I saw Magic Johnson this morning at the gym.

No. Swear to God. Did you say what's up? Say what's up with the AIDS? No. Jesus. What up with the AIDS, dog? Yo, Magic! You said nothing? You didn't even say what's up? You didn't say yo, I'm the Rat King. You need help with the goddamn

Lakers? Hit your boy up. I'm not saying to someone what's up. You didn't say, yo, I'm the Rat King. You need help with the goddamn Lakers? Hit your boy up. I'm not saying to someone what's up with the AIDS. That's insane. But he beat it. You got a lot to learn, man. But he beat it, bro. Just like you beat a lot of things. It's inspiring.

But you don't say what's up with it if somebody beat it. What up? This dude's advice. Dude, listen. Your girl's already down To get in the gym And have that backside Like Magic Johnson You just gotta change her

Let her know What she needs to be doing Them deadlifts She needs to be Uploading on them carbs Like don't let her Just start eating all clean The deadlifts

The squat She can do it right Point her in Serena Williams direction Show her people Who work out with fat asses Also don't hate on them IG models Cause who work out with fat asses also don't hate on them ig models because they had them yeah fat asses are good bro okay and i'll say this dude but shredded girls aren't well look some girls they get so strong you can't even you know uh

rip the chalk off your dick yeah you can't even get in in their vaginas bro it's like trying to get into a sleeping bag that shrunk you know that, that was left outside and has a lot of horse piss or something on it. But I'll say this, man. What are we talking about? What is this guy asking? His girl's working out. He doesn't want to lose her ass. First of all, be supportive if your girl's going to the gym.

You should get over to the gym. Raleigh, what's the guy's name? Danny Solano. Yes, Daniel. Go to the gym. Daniel Solanoigh what's the guy's name danny solano yes go to the gym daniel solano i'm sorry sir and thank you for sending in the video man we appreciate the support when your girl comes back from the gym just have a full rack of ribs ready to go yeah feed her bro don't let her get on that tilapia but be supportive man you got look dude anything could happen bro your girl could hit by get hit by lightning and never go into

the gym again and then you got the fattest ass in the world you know she can't move and she's burnt yeah but you got that burnt ass boy yeah you're going nowhere and then danny's popping them burnt fucking big the big hitters yeah so look anything could happen the future could hold anything for you but i'd be supportive of her man he's supportive but also is he supportive yeah but her losing her ass that's like him maybe she loves his lips that's like him getting lip surgery or fucking taking down his nose maybe she likes his big ass nose and big ass lips then you get rid of a big ass nose or i'm just saying it's not small so let's say she loves his nose and lips he gets rid of that she can be cool with that it's a bad angle he looks hey look i think he's he looks fine yeah he's fine but let's say

she likes that big nose and lips. And he got rid of them. You don't think she'd be pissed? He signed up for a fat ass. So he looks kind of like that hot guy in that cartoon Arthur or whatever. What's that cartoon? Are you talking about the anteater? Yeah.

Arthur? Like the brother. No, Arthur's somebody. The one without glasses. Jesus, I can't. Jesus Christ, dude. That's a fucking australian cartoon bro there's arthur which one you're talking about no the other guy with the hair arthur's cute how dare

you is he dead yeah there he's right there on the left uh it's him right there he does kind of look like him he looks like that guy uh he does look like him wow dude just have just feed your girl let her work out but make sure dang bro how many awards do i get because i'm a champion of something dude you hit this don't fucking touch me dude they look identical jesus christ wow first of all if you look like a drawing brother you cannot criticize your woman okay get out there be supportive slap that ass draw a bigger ass onto her small ass get her fake ass get some fake ass and hook it onto the side of her before sex dude you know i'm saying there's always brazilian buttless bro yeah tie some t-shirts around her legs and pretend it's ass right ass on each one of them. Think outside of the fucking butt.

What else? Chin. You like fat asses? I like them softer than more muscly. You like soft asses? They have to be soft and muscly? No. It's not a fucking bay shrimp, bro. It's not a fucking oyster. I don't like this hard asses. Don't talk about steaming carrots on your chin.

I don't like a rock hard ass. I don't like an ass where if a girl falls out of a window it makes like a tink sandwich against the ground exactly that's crazy i don't want to break my dick on her fucking iceberg ass yeah i like him soft too buddy calm down what else all right this is fly my aunt first one is aunt gabby god damn whose aunt is this this was submitted by camilla camilla camilla let's read this ass do you have any can you yeah i got some stuff on her so this is submitted by camilla she's 29 years old born in denmark half cuban half chilean wow professional hip-hop dancer pop drop and lock it is right now we're talking pop drop and lock it pop. Pop, pop, and pop, baby.

Yeah. Shit. Oh, snap, crackle, puss, bro. This girl is a very handsome young lady, Aunt Gabe. She can get all my sugar smacks. Oh, she would make me definitely buy a fucking eight ball. Me too. Look, I'd buy it.

I'd drink a whole 12-pack of Fosters and talk to her about dance and all that. I'd watch her shed a layer of skin, bro. This girl's fine as hell. Crocodile done D right now, baby. Oh, D. God damn. Oh, definitely. She is doing it for us, isn't she?

Dude, she is just half Cuban, half Chilean. What else? An angel. Bro, I'd wash her body just so she could go on a date with another man, bro. I'm that kind of guy, dude. I'd suck on her feet before she left the crib. Oh, bro. I'd suck on her feet just so she could try on really tight shoes because her feet would still be damp.

I'd listen to Nickelback every day for her just to tell her how bad they suck while she hooks up with other dudes. Dude, I'd lay on her chest with my back to her breasts and pretend that we're listening to Nippleback and make like a corny joke and see if she likes it. See if she likes it. God damn, risk it all for her, dude. Oh. I'd jump in the Pacific Ocean right now just full of fucking blood for her. Call it chum in the water.

Call it fucking. God, dude. I can't believe you can fucking read, here's what i'm saying is dude i would definitely pull up i saw her trying to hitchhike dude i'd pull over on the side of the road and lock her in my basement for a month okay that's okay ted bundy bro it's a nice basement dude it's basically a man cave okay but the locks are on the outside you're gonna feed her you're gonna feed her yeah i'm gonna open up an arby's in there dude i'm gonna do everything i can for her oh yeah we got the beef let's keep it moving dude i gotta keep it dude i buy her a full rack of ribs every day of my life if she wanted i will do that for you this is uncle trey he's 29 years

old that's connor mcgregor it looks just like him, right? First of all. He does look very similar. That's him, you delinquents. He's a former Army Ranger and Special Forces soldier, six feet tall, over 200 pounds, and he puts Brian Callen's dream in. Submitted by Lamar in North Carolina. And he's blind or not? I don't know. I don't think so. He's just hiding the dead behind his eyes because he's killed so many fucking people.

Wow. Special forces. Hey, you're welcome for your freedom because of that man. I appreciate it. Yeah, you're welcome, dude. You like being the rat king and fucking flying to Australia, playing grab ass with the koalas, touching their genitals? Tell him. Say thank you.

Thank you, sir. I want to thank you for your service. I want to thank everybody for their service. I want to thank everybody for their service. Shout out to this fucking killer, dude. This men's warehouse fucking tailored suit killer. Oh, this guy seems like the kind of guy that would hide inside of a strip or a cake real quietly with a stripper at a bachelor party and then pop out and kill every guy in the room. And that kind of guy, yeah. And still get a lap dance after. Yeah, well, SE damn dude definitely this guy he's definitely he's uh yeah he's

definitely like kind of chips like california highway he's like chips and dale he's like kind of a guy who could be a stripper but also be a highway patrolman he's a baller oh he's having one arm is to say he has one army has two it looks like he has two but you can't see it yeah i'd like to see i'd like to see those great white eyes that he has the shark guy what if he has no eyes bro when he takes his sunglasses off but he still moves fluidly about the room wow you know what i wouldn't be surprised bro yeah he looks like the kind of dude that would fuck Tanya Harding, bro. And not even go to sleep

and still go to work the next day at the bank. He looks like he'd fuck Tanya Harding and hurt her knee. Yeah. Well, I don't know. I can't even agree. That doesn't make any fucking sense.

Can we move it on? That's her thing. Yeah. She hurt Nancy Kerrigan, who's now a school teacher. Did you hear that? No. What's she teaching? How to be a crybaby?

They did say she's real whiny. That's what I always heard. Yeah, I heard that. A friend of mine dated her, actually. Really? Yeah, said she was fucking whining all the time. Just my knee, my knee. God, it was 17 years ago.

Yeah. Give it up. Yeah. Yeah, people have lost their limbs, and you're out here skating. First of all, if you skate enough, dude, somebody's going to fucking hit you with something, bro. Yeah, you deserve it, bro. Skating gets on people's nerves, bro. Yeah, I can't stand it.

You mean dancing on ice? Get out of my face, man. Be regular. Dance. Yeah, your neighbor's a skater, dude. Get the F, bro. What else we got, Chin? If this is somebody that's afraid to be a stripper, I feel like.

Yeah, they just want to be fancy strippers. Yeah. Let's keep it moving. Last fly on my aunt is Aunt Darlene. Oh, shit. She looks like somebody that bets on Conor McGregor. You want to know some stats on her? Yeah.

She's identical twins with the submitter's mom. Her name is Darla. The mom. Okay. Single mother of four. A mean cook. An OG. And this was submitted by Christian.

She looks like she's fucking selling her mixtape on the streets of New Orleans. Yeah, she definitely seems like an everyday type of lady. She's down, obviously. She's chucking the deuce right there. Or that's a mom gang sign. It's a mom club that's a gang out there. Yeah, it's a single mom gang sign. She's got four children, she said. Yes, sir. So you know she's a mom club that's a gang out there yeah it's a single mom gang sign uh she's got four children she said so she yes sir so you know she's a beast yeah she's obviously a freak in the sheets

dude if she's got four kids if somebody worked four little weasels out of her womb and but i'll but she definitely look i love a redhead you know shout out to all the single moms out there i you know she's obviously holding it down four children unbelievable yeah you only have two tits so how do you even feed them you have to feed two and watch two just fucking you know do hopscotch or something i mean i can't even imagine it's a spartan life it really is man pick two out of the four and she obviously picked but it's kind of confusing because she's throwing gang signs with the left hand then the right hand's holding black power yeah she does have that black power looks like she's throwing gang signs with the left hand, and the right hand's holding black power. Yeah, she does have that black power.

It looks like she has a gram over there in her hand. She's got a cigarette, a mob bra, indoors. It looks a little staged, but she does have that proper 12, and she's got about $43 on the ground, $143. So she's betting on something. Yeah. There's a lot going on here, man. Yeah. Yeah, look, I'd buy her a drink at a casino. so she's betting on something yeah there's a lot going on here man yeah yeah look i would uh

i'd buy her a drink at a casino yeah i'd take her on a date i'd take her somewhere nice i'd take her to a nice maybe polish meal somewhere she looks like she'd like a date with you at the outback or something you know oh yeah i'd take her somewhere fucking nice, boy. Maybe TGI Fridays? I don't like that place that much. I would take her to Outback, though. On a Friday, too. On a Friday night?

Get there early to kind of beat the rush, but yeah. I mean, sure, we have to eat at 4.50 p.m. You need reservations if you're going to go on a Friday night. Let's be real. That's what I'm saying. We get there at 4.50 p.m. and just have a couple of drinks first before we get to our table. Maybe take her to a nice matinee movie. Maybe take her to a nice matinee as well.

Get her some Raisinets. I don't like going into movies when it's bright when you go in and it's dark when you come out. It just scares me.

Oh, the worst. Me too. God, it's the worst. I feel like you wasted your day. Well, you just feel like somebody took advantage of you or something or they cheated you

out of time when you were in there. I just don't like it. I don't like that. It's like you missed out on the world when that happens. I don't like time warps.

Yeah. Me neither. Shout out to this lady. But thank you very much. Yay. Last segment of the day. Debate Club. First one is from William. I think that's his name because there's no name. What's Ryan Willie? Brendan, Theo, Debate Club. Which one's worse? Wedgies or swirlies? Gang gang buzz buzz. Damn. I thought it was Ryan Willey, dude.

Oh, do we have the video from Ryan Willey? That's my boy. Yeah, dude. He won the X Games this past weekend in Shanghai. Bro, and he did a gang, gang, buzz, buzz flip. Did you see it? Yeah. It's nuts, dude.

They have that famous picture of you on a scooter on a lime or something. But not like that, dude. I ain't jumping hills. Yeah, you're not doing any tricks, huh? No, I'm not like him. Yeah. I'm too big for that. What was his? What's worse? A swirly or wedgie? Yeah. Yeah, you're not doing any tricks, huh? No, I'm not like him. Yeah. I'm too big for that. What was his-

What's worse? Swirly or wedgie? Yeah. Bro, wedgie, not a big deal. Happened to me all the time as a kid. Just pick it out and keep moving with your day. Swirly, your whole day is fucking ruined. You smell like dick for the rest of the day.

Your hair's all wet. Everyone knows you were swirly and bullied. Come on. This is so easy. They used to give red belly balls where they would like the dumbest kids at school or the older kids, really. And I mean real older, so like 30 years old. So like, and this was eighth grade. So they would come and hold you down.

And then other kids would drive in who had nothing to do, who weren't working. Like an event? Oh, they would jump the fence and they would all just hit your stomach until it was so red so you were red belly oh yeah dude it was miserable and the girl you had a crush on was always standing right there watching and you couldn't do anything to fucking trying to look tough oh it was so bro there was nothing worse dude did you have friends when it was your birthday i guess this is a loose term friends who would punch you as how many times old you were, but really punch you, like give you the worst Charlie horse?

No. Oh, dude, my friends. I used to have black and blue marks. I used to hate my birthday. Jesus. Yeah, you used to line up. She didn't have a stepdad? It sounds like you had a stepdad.

You're right. That was my stepdad. It could have been. Would line up every year. But I say, I don't like swirlies. I don't like somebody putting their finger in my ear With saliva on it or semen Bro that's a wet willy What country are you from

They take your fucking hair And dump you into the water The toilet water So you got turds piss No they don't Yeah that's a swirly bro What is it Chan I didn't know that was a swirly

Well Chan's from fucking Come on You're thinking of a... What is it, Chan? I didn't know that was a swirly. Yeah. Well, Chan's from fucking... Come on. So you listen to. Are they plumbing where he's from? Dude, get out of here. No, they don't. He digs a hole. Oh, my God, bro.

You're going to hell. Why is that going to hell? Get me out of this, Conrad. You can care. Get me out of this. Hold on. What's everyone think a swirly is? Did anyone know what a swirly was?

It's where you put your head into your lap. cat yeah i'm not a fucking willie you fucking foreigners bro well 72 of the audience says swirly is worse you know what they say man foreigners can't be choosers bro here's what i'm saying is this bro i don't know what a swirly is awesome okay let's get the last one man school i think it's some jet lag hit me man i just got tired bro yeah you want me to give you a swirly i feel like it's the middle of the night now let me give you a swirly no i feel like it's the middle of the night and i feel like i'm getting interrogated very poorly by five detectives that's fair yeah i feel like it get to the next one chin nick had all this prepared i feel like Get to the next one Chin Nick had all this prepared I feel like we're trying to

Yeah sure I feel like we're trying to Solve a murder myself Alright so the next one is Submitted by Dylan Johnson From Minnesota It's Jock Jams Versus

That's what I That's what I call music Michael Buffer Let's Get Ready to Rumble That's not a song Oh Are you ready for this? That's not a real song.

Yeah, you're right. It takes two to make a thing go right. It takes two to make a thing go right. Hip hop hooray. These are jock jams. Hip hop hooray. This one's jock jams. Oh, you know this one.

Pump up, pump up the volume. Pump up, pump up. YMCA, get the fuck out of my face. Pump, pump the jam. Pump it up while your feet are stomping. That shit always got on my nerves. I love that song. What is this?

This shit all sucks. What's the next thing? Let me see the other one. This is what I, now that's what I call music. Red, red wine. You know that one. Stay close to me. Dude, I can't, I can't fucking get jiggy with this shit.

What is this? This is all shit, man. This is all bullshit. Yeah, that's what I call music. Definitely the first one. Jock jams. Jock jams. Jock jams for the win, baby. Fucking get jiggy with this shit. What is this is all shit man. This is all bullshit Definitely the first one jock jams rock jams jock jams for the win, baby I don't think so. I'd rather jock itch brother than jock jams I'd rather scratch my dick once and I don't have to hear any of that music. I like John. All right, get us out of here Jen so jock jams it was by 51% It was a close call. What's up fans who know what the fuck's going on in the world? It's probably six people but let's get this video. It was a close call. What's up, fans who know what the fuck's going on in the world?

Probably six people voted. Let's get this video. Who's cooler? Theo Von Frankenstein over here needs a nap. Last one, dudes. It's Adrian Valdivia. Hey, Theo, Brendan, got a big club for you. Little bro or big bro? Who's cooler? Don't fucking touch me. Don't fucking touch me, bro.

Don't fucking touch me. I need more info before I decide. I don't think you do this play one more time. I want to see these guys, man. I like their vibe, man. Hey, Theo, Brendan, got a big club for you. Little bro or big bro? Who's cooler?

Don't fucking touch me. Don't fucking touch me, bro. The big bro is Khabib, first of all. I don't know if anybody noticed that or not. Do you have brothers? Yeah, I got a brother, man. My brother's name is Zef. And he looks a little bit like that guy.

You in a band? No. Why do you think your brother's in a band? I thought he was in a ZZ Top cover band. He could have been in a band. I'll have to ask him. I don't know if he... He doesn't tell me everything.

Is he older or younger? He's two years older than me. Would he beat you up when you're younger? Yeah. Oh, we would fucking hit each other with chairs and shit those stools yeah wwe sword thank god mom had a sword that was very not sharp yeah dull sword jesus thank god yes i hear you man my brother is evil as well uh definitely if you're a little brother you kind of learn the ropes of life that it ain't easy yeah so definitely the little brother for the way oh you learn how to

get hit by a sword that's for sure so i'm gonna say you got to be cooler man if you're the one sending in the video that's what i'm gonna say that you're obviously a king in the stinger you know you're part of the gang gang buzz buzz uh you know tribe so i think that you're cooler man i don't know i just hit a brick wall man i just yeah i didn't get some fucking heroin in your veins bro i wish i could dude i might fucking have to cop a grim because i gotta tighten up or loosen up one of the other i would tighten up bro you would yeah tighten up yeah go get some steroids dude oh i used to do steroids when i was young dude i used to be on deca and test i know you had a bunch of energy oh i used to stack them bro oh dude i could breastfeed i could just bro i had olive oil in my tits bro make that deck of fucking sandwich bro bro my i was like the last uh the last uh stop on a subway sandwich

line bro just fucking who wants mayonnaise yeah what's that fucking vinegar whatever yeah dude like is that it did you get your pick older brother younger oh younger i'm the younger brother he's the younger brother all right younger brother nation bro you're younger too right i am did your brother race cars yes you did wow he was crazier than me but the audience says 63 older brothers at least i weren't driving on actual roads bro that's one of the benefits of it ybn bro younger brother nation son all day all day little runts in the house want to thank chin for uh for stopping in last minute and taking over the ones and twos today yeah shout out to chin hopefully derrick's all right on the road hopefully nick's okay yeah uh you got any dates coming up brother yeah man

i do the uh i think everything's sold out right now except for oslo uh and stock, which are in some other country somewhere. I know where they are. Keep going down. Keep going down. They're in Sweden and Norway. Thank you very much, dude. Thank you. Sweden and Norway in September.

Go see them, Sweden and Norway in September. God damn, that's easy to follow. Yeah, and I'm obviously going to kill myself if you look at that tour date. Yeah, I know. Calgary, yuck yucks. June 20th through the 22nd. And then Brea. Come on down to Brea Improv.

That's June 27th through the 29th. Get your tickets now. TFAK.com. Bro, I'm glad you're black, brother. Oh, dude, I'm black. Glad you're black. Oh, dude. And I'm fucking...

Bro, I'm happy to be back here where the alphabet is, you know. It's up for debate. Yeah, it's up for debate. With alphabets, what you want to make? That's what I'm saying, man. Good to see you, bro. Yeah, brother, don't fucking touch me. Do not touch me. See you guys next time.

Thank you, guys.