The Golden Hour - Episode 24: Rat Rage

Episode Date: June 20, 2019

Theo's in a bad mood after quitting cigarettes and takes it out on Brendan. The guys talk Soft Asians, Goldfish Crackers vs Cheez-Its, the Culture Corner's snack picks, Brendan's sound proof face, Theo's love for Spirit Airlines, Mantenna Nipples, Brief Jerky's and much more!Dave.com - https://dave.com/katsRobinhood - KINGSTING.robinhood.comHims - https://www.forhims.com/katsScentbird - https://www.scentbird.com/katsLearn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoicesSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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I'm still celebrating my freaking win, bro. Dude, you're not from Toronto. You're a hype bitch. Huh? No, you're a hype bitch, dude. Dude, this is great. You have fucking Toronto Raptors on, which no one really No, you're a hype bitch, dude. Dude, this is great. You have fucking Toronto Raptors on, which no one really follows unless you're in Toronto.

I got a Cleveland Browns shirt on, which really no one follows until they sign back up. I love the Cleveland Browns, dude. Yeah, we both do. Bernie Kosar. Because they're going to be good. Whatever, I bought a pint of his blood off the internet when he was trying to re-get his house back. Yeah, I bought Eric Metcalf a sock one time. Really? Because he went to jail for, I think Eric Metcalf a sock one time. Really? Because he went to jail

for, I think, allegedly... That's Ray Carruth. No, this is... That's Rape Carruth. And this dude, Eric Metcalf, I think went to jail

for touching a lot of people that he shouldn't touch. He was quick. No, you're seeing Cupid and Junior. They look similar. They look exactly the same. They do not look similar.

They look exactly the same. Can we get a picture of... Is Chin in here? No, it's Derek. Derek's back in here. Oh, Derek, I know. Oh, the culture corner.

They're both looking cat's back too. Oh, wow. Oh, bro. That's a Japanese sound, man. Cat, I think a cat is like this.

My bad, Eric Metcalf was one of the best players ever on the video game Tecmo Bowl and I thought he went to jail for something. No, dude. You're thinking of OJ Simpson. Bro, you feel me? Remember Eric Metcalf, bro?

Eric Metcalf, yeah. Look up the news on him real quick, though. I'm thinking of somebody else. Dude, why are you hating on Eric Metcalf? Again, you're thinking of Ray Caruso. Who played for the New York Giants? No. New York Giants? What do you mean? Who returned punts for New York Giants? What do you mean? Who returned punts? There's a lot of What do you mean? Who returned punts? There's a lot of guys.

Well, this was a specific guy that did crime after. Can you just go and look and see if it says any crime? Just scroll up. But don't badmouth fucking Eric Metcalf. I'm not badmouthing Eric Metcalf. He seemed like a great guy. Look for the crime area. Personal life.

He's a coach at University of Washington. Oh, he's doing great. Yeah, he's killing it. Don't drag his name in the mud. I'm pulling his name in the mud. I'm pulling his name right into the sink right now and washing it off. Eric Metcalf is a legend, okay?

Eric Metcalf is a legend, bro. Dark town. But not as legend, oh, sounding like you. It's crazy when I fucking bandwagon shit immediately. I can't speak well.

You don't speak well. We're a couple hype boys right now. Bam wagon babies, boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We the North. Yeah. We the North. Dude, shush.

I'm on season four. Don't tell me what happens, dude. Oh, you're thinking Game of Thrones-y still? Game of Thrones-y, dog. Yeah, bro. Dude, Cleveland Browns, huh? Yeah. Baker Mayfield, bro.

You a fan? Bro, you thought Baker Mayfield was a place to get a donut, bro. Dude, Cleveland Browns, huh? Yeah. Baker Mayfield, bro. You a fan? Bro, you thought Baker Mayfield was a place to get a donut, bro. You're fucking sad. I thought he was married to Mrs. Fields. You did? Yeah, that's not even that good of a joke. I got a present for you, dude. Do you really?

Yeah, you piece of shit. If it's a Toronto Raptors jersey, I'm going to freak out. You already have one, dude. Didn't you watch last week's episode? I want a Kawhi Leonard, bro. Well, first of all, don't even try to say his name again. Okay? You don't know who he is.

Bro, it's just like the place, Kawhi. Oh, that makes sense. Yeah. All right, what do you got, dude? I got this for you. I know you got a son and a new little one on the way. Oh, thanks, brother. You got a little pair right there.

Thank you, Doug. He'll love this. Willie? Well, that's the little one right there. See, he's got him. That's the little one. That's the papa one here. That's Tiger, and that's the kiddo.

Thanks, brother. Whatever the kid's name is going to be. I'm going to set that there right there. I'm assuming everyone's assuming we'll be an animal. We're leaning towards liner panther right now. We'll see. Okay. We'll see.

Bro, get an endangered species. At least draw awareness, dude. Dude, panthers are very endangered. Okay. We'll see. Okay. We'll see. Bro, get an endangered species. At least draw awareness, dude. Dude, Panthers are very endangered. Pit bulls are endangered. Ooh, that's a good point. If pit bulls. Pit bulls taken, though. Pit bulls taken.

Oh, that's true. Jesus. Mr. Global. Mr. Worldwide. Mr. Worldwide. Derek's back. What up, bro-bro? How are you, man?

Welcome back. Where were you? Oh, man. It was Pauly Shore in fucking Florida, man. It was awesome. Wow, for a trial? No, he's still doing comedy he's still doing no man too uh no i'm actually him he might be i don't know what that he probably is he's joking paulie's a legend no he's the greatest but he still might be doing this you know man too would he really no i'm saying i hope they do i hope dude i would love that i love. Me too. I would love that. Bro, what if he came back and did Encino Man 2?

Yeah. Dude. That's what I'm saying. I wasn't trying to make a joke. It'd be dope if he would. I wish they did movies that were mashups like Encino Man meets Mrs. Doubtfire. And they fall in love. Or Encino Man turns into Mrs. Doubtfire.

No. Yeah, like he's babysitting the kids and then she she kicks him out, and he comes back as a woman. I like that, actually. That's a pretty good idea, actually. How you got it is the question. Did you have fun, D? Oh, my God. So much fun, dude.

You've been with him for like a month, huh? You just take off, huh? Apparently, you just take off. I was with my family for a week. Black people's barbecues don't last five weeks, as you said. Oh, you heard that. Sorry. I heard that. Just an afternoon. He's got, as you said. Oh, you heard that. Sorry. I heard that.

I'm just saying that. Black people's barbecue is not automatically a family reunion. Well, that's what Wikipedia said. It's very similar to Indian culture. I noticed you'll see Indian barbecues at the park two, three months, bro. You see

some of those barbecues. But sometimes black family reunion, it just keeps going. to three months, bro. You see some of those barbecues. But sometimes Black Family Reunion, it just keeps going. Yeah. Great food. We did have all matching shirts on. Did you really? Yeah, of course.

Hell yeah, boy, praise God. What were the shirts? It was like Post-It team. Oh, sick. With names on the back. You're damn right you did. And so what did you guys do? Was it really like a big family event?

Yeah, we just, Universal Studios, all the theme rides and parks and shit. It was fucking awesome. Oh, you just go as a big group and you all dress the same? Yeah. Oh, man. Oh, yeah, straight up, dude. It's one of Brendan's favorite things to do.

Yeah, that sounds cool, man. And then do you guys stay there at night? Trying to be cool. Do you guys stay there at night? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. My dad made us watch the water show every fucking night. That's cool. Oh, wow. Jesus Christ, dude. Are you sure y' at night? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. My dad made us watch the water show every fucking night. That's cool.

Oh, wow. Jesus Christ, dude. Are you sure y'all aren't Asian, bro? That sounds like a very Asian thing, watching a water show every night. Yeah, it was pretty Asian. I didn't see any pictures, though. You didn't post any pictures? I didn't, no.

My family was posting every second, so I was like, I'm just going to try to enjoy this. Lay low. Stay off the gram. Had to. Nice. Well, welcome back, man. We had Angry Chin in here. And Kat's back, too, from her car accident. Dude,

how about this? Kat gets in a car accident, right? Chin, his car gets stolen yesterday. No way. And then talk about CTE. You know how it got stolen? He went and filed a police report. And the cop goes, where did you leave it last? He goes, well, I thought I parked it. They said, did you park on the right floor right floor before you follow this report why don't you go back and

look through the other floors turns out he he parked on the fourth instead of the fifth no and he wouldn't go look first at that idea no it's the kratom bro i'm telling you oh my he's on that kratom he's on that kratom what chin you could have part? A police report? He went and told the police. You know what the police told him? Quit being such a pussy and go check the fourth floor. Bro, put on a gi and beat people's ass, dude. Yeah, dude.

Become a superhero that fights crime. Bro, that's the thing. When early Asians came to America, they were... Look at some of those early movies. Jackie Chan. Who else? Jet Li. Jet Li. Rumble in the Bronx. Rumble in movies. Jackie Chan. Who else? Jet Li. Rumble in the Bronx.

Rumble in the Bronx, dude. Rush Hour. One, two. Guys who were kicking ass when things weren't going well. Big trouble in Little China. Now we get Police Report Chin. No, Police Report? Hey, here's the thing. He calls me. I go, someone stole your car? He goes, yeah. I went, but you drive a

Prius. He goes, that's what's weird. I went, I don't know, man. No one's stealing a Prius. How about you do a little investigating and go take the elevator one floor lower. Check out there, bro. What's your superpower? Losing your car in a parking lot? Hey, what's your superpower?

Snitching? No, dude. Bro, these new Asians, I'm telling you, man. They're weak, man. They're soft. That's the thing. Look. Yeah, duh.

Yeah. There's not room for soft people anywhere. So you got to tighten up, Chen. Your superpower can't be complaining and patting your pockets as you walk down a stairwell because you can't find your car or your keys. Yeah, your superpower can't be losing your car and writing Yelp reviews and snitching on people. Come on, Chen. Yeah, dude. Your parents are so your car and writing Yelp reviews and snitching on people. Come on, Chen.

Your parents are so disappointed, dude. Learn some Kung Fu, man. Learn something, dude. Learn to bake. Be a tall baker. Throw Chinese stars. Yeah, well, that's pretty. You can find something more creative than that. Dude, name someone doing it. Dude, you could be the Yao Ming of Chinese checkers, bro. You're like six and a half feet tall. Just stand in the middle

of the board and post up people. Join a spelling bee, dude. You're like six and a half feet tall. Just stand in the middle of the board and post up, Peter. Join a spelling bee, dude. Yeah, join a spelling bee, bro. Chess club. Yeah. Probably not a cop, though, you know? Yeah. It's that crowd.

I'm going to get them. Should we kick this off? Well, it's petered out. You guys ready to go? Yeah. But Kat's back from that accident. Kat, did you suffer any trauma from that? No, I feel okay.

But I was not the one who hit somebody. That's what they all say. I did not hit a pole, sir. Did I say hit a pole? Yeah, last episode. And everybody DM'd me like, typical. Wow. Well, he also, he has fantasies of every girl being strippers as well.

So he was like, hit the pole. Oh, dude. That's what he might have meant. Don't touch me, bro, but keep touching me. That's how they do it. Touch me. Some guy said that the other day, bro. He comes up to me after a stage. He goes, don't touch me, bro, but keep touching me.

He goes, that's what Brendan's always thinking. Hey, Kat, so with your accent, someone just rear-ended you? Yeah, a moving truck rear-ended me while I was at a red light. A moving truck. See, this while I was at a red light. A moving truck. See, this is why Asian people struggle with driving. You sure you didn't reverse into the truck?

I am 100%. He just hit you? Yes, it was a bunch of 19-year-olds. Yeah, they were working summer jobs for a moving company. Not anymore. Were they excited when you got out and were attractive? Were any of them nervous or whatever? I mean, one guy was nervous, but that's because he's screwed

because he was the one driving. Other than that, no. They definitely all got fired. Dude, I hit a fine girl one time over off 26, man. Nothing better. Dude, no joke, bro. I got to talk to her for a couple seconds. Dude, sometimes I wish I could hit her again just to follow up.

You're trying to find her and just hit her car? Just go kick her car, dude. No, I'm not going to kick her car. Yeah, set the alarm off. That's nothing. She was hot, though? Oh, bro, we used to have this chick, this busted lady bus

that would always wash her car with just water, no soap. Oh. And she'd be like, I'm fine, ain't I? Was she fine, though? No, no, no, no. She was okay looking,

but also, it was late. It was late, and the sun was setting, you know? Yeah. So everybody looks good kind of right after the sun sets. A little bit. Especially if they're outdoors still washing.

All right, D, let's kick this thing off, dog. We the North, baby, my Raptors, Lowry and the boys. Lowry and the boys! Cleveland Browns, huh? The Saul and the boys! Dude, look, I love Baker Mayfield. I see OBJ, though, just tanking that shit, man. It's the ego battleship over there.

Let us worry about the guy's ego. Hey! No way. He's back with his boy, his. It's the ego battleship. Hey, no way. He's back with his boy, his roommate from LSU. Landry, you should be celebrating these boys. Oh, I'm excited for them. Also, they still have Eli Manning throwing to them. Oh, no. That's at New York. Yeah. So they got Baker Mayfield.

Slaying that rock. They got that dope tight end. They got good defense. We the Browns. Damn, we the Browns. We the Browns. Damn, we the Browns, bro. Going to Brownsville, baby. I'm on that train right now like this. Oh, bro. Choo-choo!

What? I'm just going to toss out fucking... Bro, Pride Week is over, Rover. We got to get back on the straight and narrow, dude. Yeah, you right. Roll your dick up, bro. You got to tighten up. Get your dick back in your pants, bro. All right, let's get into this episode.

Derek's back. Cat has recovered from yet another car accident. Jesus. And Chin still doesn't know where his car is at. Yeah. But we'll figure it out. How do you believe that? Oh, yeah.

Now it totally describes Chin 100%. He's the kind of guy who can't find his car on the, only looks on one floor and then goes to the police department. What a wimp. The cop was like, dude, get out of here. Yeah. Could be in a pussy. Yeah.

Unbelievable, man. You want to start with a little rip my drip? Yeah. Yeah. Let's rip it up. First up is Ben Lefevre from Great Falls, Montana. It's Ben Lefevre. Oh, gang, bro. Oh, Montana. It's Ben Lefevre. Oh, gang, bro.

Oh, damn. What's he say? He's originally from Vernon Parish, Louisiana. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, Louisiana boy. And he's just a swamp kid living in Big Sky Country.

Beautiful out there, man. It looks nice. Ripped jeans. I bet that's from doing all that yard work. He definitely didn't buy them like that. Oh, that's fresh cut grass, though.

The way these frauds out here in L.A. do. Well, sometimes a lot of kids, if they had a dog or a strong, strong cat, they would sharpen their nails and let them get on their pants a little bit to give them that sort of, they call it a creek, what is it, washed or something? Jean look? The denim wash, the stone wash. Stone washed, yeah. The stone washed.

Stone washed, where they'd put a bunch of stones in their pants and beat their pants against the ground, like tie off the legs and beat them against the ground and get that same vibe. That shit looks fire, though. This looks natural. This guy's relaxing on the chair. I like that. Also, you can see he's holding his beer can, but he's resting his elbow on his thigh, which is kind of a, I prefer to actually hold my arm fully in the air.

I like to rest it like this. Really? Kind of like the big sky kid over here. Yeah. Like to chill, you know what I'm saying? Also, is that a joint in his hand or is that a cigarette? That's America. That's a damn joint.

Is that a doobie-dee? That's one of them big johns, son. That looks like a doobie-doobie. Ooh, I like this kid's style. Set of brows on him as well. Oh, yeah, dude. He looks like he'sobie doobie. Ooh, I like this kid's style. Set a browse on him as well. Oh, yeah, dude. Looks like he's the lifeguard for the worst swamp in the world.

Let's just say this, bro. He ain't having any trouble opening up his browser, okay? This dude's got some Google. Team browser. Oh, he's got some fucking safaris right up above his head, some Google Chromes, boy.

He's got two Firefoxes running circles around his eyes looking like they're trying to fire fuck. This boy's beautiful, dude. Probably one of the top 60 or 70 looking young men

in this area, I would bet. Cosign. Yup. He has on a tank top and a dank bottom, bro. This dude's down to fuck. Probably. Yeah, he's looking to fuck.

I don't know. Who knows if he is, man. It looks like he probably is considering going to school, but not really sure. Or he just got done with the gay pride parade, and he's just chilling, man. Exhausted. You're right, actually. It could be that.

He just got done. He's just like, I'm going to smoke a joint, have a cold one, and chill out, man. Watch the kids at the swamp. Man, there's nothing more better than just laying somewhere and just doing nothing, bro. Praise God, man. That's America. Yeah, I salute this doing nothing, bro. Praise God, man. That's America. Yeah, I salute this young fella, man. And get it together, Vernon Parrish.

Dude, we got to charge this thing. Ah, fuck. Jesus. This thing is bumper to bumper here. We got Robert and Julie from Culver City. Oh, Julie, huh? Culver. Dang, huh? They flexing, bro.

What are we trying to rip? They both look very short. Could be the camera. Shorty want a thug, boy. Ooh. Shorty found a thug. Whoa, look at the titty committee meeting up right on Julie's chest.

I'm just saying they're having a little afternoon convention right there. Man, where's she? Is this at a business meeting? I'm just saying They're having a little Afternoon convention Right there Man where's she Is this at a business meeting She showed up With them tits out

Damn girl This is from this Past New Year's When he proposed That night Oh damn She was ready With them pants

Looking like a little A little Jersey Shore mermaid Oh bro She looks like I'm dizzy from them tits bro She looks like a A blur maid dude I can't even get a good look at him again, man.

I can't even see him. I don't even see him. Dude, you know what's so funny? I haven't even looked at him yet. Me neither. I don't even see him. What's going on here? No, but they look like a good young couple.

Looks like maybe they're about to get a house together or something. How old are they? Do we know anything? We don't know how old they are, but they're seeing you at the Mirage in Vegas in August. Oh, shout out to Mirage. They want you to be their wedding officiant. Oh, they're looking to get divorced. Oh, wow.

So they're actually looking to get, oh, a wedding officiant. What do I do? Nothing. You get the sword or not? It's not the guy that stands there with the sword. Oh, no, you can knight him. You can basically do whatever you want. Oh, yeah, I'll knight him, dude.

I'm not doing all night, though. I'm not doing all night, man. I'm not doing that threesome. No, no, no. I'm not doing anything like that. I'm staying in my room. You might be a cuck. You know what I'm saying? No, I'm not doing anything like, man. I'm not doing that threesome. No, no, no. I'm not doing anything like that. I'm staying in my room. He might be a cuck. You know what I'm saying?

No, I'm not doing anything like that. You're an idiot. Dude, it's not my thing. It's his. You're all up on his girl's tits for the past 30 minutes. He hasn't mentioned it. You mentioned it. No, you brought it up.

Does it say anything in there about it? I said she looks like a lovely mermaid. Only thing we know about him is Julie is worried that her old school Italian father will not like this outfit she got married in. Ooh, she ain't lying. Well, look. Back in the day, catch a swift palm to the face dressing like that out the house. I've had some rare pescato, and this is definitely some, she's dressed like a real mahi-mahi right here if you look at her, you know? She looks like a nice little tortellini.

Something, no, that's not a fish you delinquent. Yeah, but they're Italian, bro. Okay, I'll barely meet you halfway on this one. Thanks, bro. No, but you seem like a nice guy, Brendan, and this guy seems like a good guy. Yeah, he seems cool. It'll work out. I think it'll work out.

Look at them, man. They seem like they love each other. They're both looking in the same direction and smiling. Both short. Well, I don't know if they're short. No, I can tell you. I'll tell you that. How do you know? I can they are. How do you know?

I can just tell. How do you know how tall people are? She has big heels on. They just look shorter. I don't think so. Look at that plant in the back. Dee, what do you think? That is a big plant.

Dee, what do you think? Short? She looks, they look, I don't know. They look like about five seveners. That's why I'd say five, six, five, seven. They could still grow, man. You guys have no hope. No, they have some little meatballs running around, man. It's going to be great five six five seven. They could still grow, man. You guys have no hope. No, they have some

little meatballs running around, man. It'd be great. Oh, no. Nuh-uh, man. Some little gyozos. Yeah. That's what I like,

them beef gyozos, boy. Yeah, get that rigatoni out the mirage. Dude, I'll put one of those in the corner of my mouth like a damn dip and shoot hoops. Those beef gyozos,

you ever had them? I haven't. Pussy. Let's go on, man. But good luck. And look, so if the wedding's the same weekend I'm there, I'll be inefficient, but I'm sure I got to do the show. Yeah.

But I could run over there inefficient for a little. You could do it after. Yeah, I'll be a lifeguard or something at the pool if they want to do a swim after. Yeah, you jump in and save them. No, I'm not going to save them, man. They got each other. They're just going to save each other forever. Well, no, you got to do something, bro.

Don't be lazy about it. If you're going to do it, go full bore. Yeah, you're right. That. You got to do something, bro. Don't be lazy about it. If you're going to do it, go full bore. Yeah, you're right. That's true. Dress up, bro. Yeah, I'll do something. Put a tuxedo on. Well, tell them thank you for the invite, and we'll send them a wedding gift.

How about that? It's the least we can do. Send them one of our new merches. Yeah. Awesome. I like that. I wore one of them the other day. The cat one?

Yeah, the cat shirt. I love that shirt. Dude, we should maybe get a shirt that says gang gang on the front and buzz buzz on the back or vice versa. Brilliant idea. Don't touch me, bro, but keep touching me. Don't fucking touch me. That's what Brendan always says, dude. Don't touch me, but also keep touching me. Don't text me, but keep touching

me. Yeah. Hey, remember I said don't touch me? Definitely keep touching me. That's his old prison nickname. Definitely keep touching me. Up next, we got Thomas aka Strictk.a. Strictly Sick. Strictly Sick? Oh, yeah. Yeah, he looks like he'd be a little sick.

And this is somebody that has never quit listening to Nirvana. Or Sum 41. Yeah. All the small things. Hey, that's Blink-182, bro. It is? Yeah. It's Sum 41.

He looks like he listens to Fall Out Boy. Really? Yeah. It's Sum 41, isn't it? Or Blink-182? No, Blink-182, bro. It is? Yeah. It's Sum 41. He looks like he listens to Fall Out Boy. Really? Yeah. It's Sum 41, isn't it? Or Blink-182? No, Blink-182 is awesome. What if you subtract Sum 41 from Blink-182? What do you get?

You get Blum 141, don't you? You get the Backstreet Boys. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you get the Backstreet Boys. You get 141, Brum. Dude, he looks like he's the biggest Avril Lavigne fan of all time. That's what's going on.

He's just depressed. He's not making music anymore. Yeah. That's why he's sick. He looks like Avril Lavigne's senior. This might be the mom or dad. Looks like Avril Lavigne's fucking brother. That's what's going on.

I mean, he looks, and this is Rip My Drip. He's submitted to be ripped. Is that correct? He absolutely submitted to be ripped. Or does he think we're going to give him heroin? What's going on here? Let's just, yeah. This guy definitely knows his way around a hit of smack.

You feel me? Okay. Bro, this dude's a little smackadactyl, dude. This dude looks like he'd do some smack for some ink. You know what I'm saying? Oh, definitely, man. He has so much. I mean, something's in his arm at all times, whether it's ink or hand, you know?

But he seems like a guy who could probably definitely, he seems like a guy that could hold down a job for a couple of days as delivery, doing deliveries. Max, yeah, Max. He seems like a guy in the middle of the night, maybe in Portland that will bring you bok choy or something like that. Yeah, I was going to say, he looks like a Portland Postmate. That shows up very late, probably not on time, and your food's going to be cold. Yeah.

But you want to tip him just because you know he's struggling. Yeah, and no matter what you order, you just get cigarettes from him. Just always fucks the order up. But he's nice. Oh, he's so nice. And his mom is doing her best. She's a little bit of a hoarder. And the dad, we don't know what happened with the dad.

And he's the guy who goes, I used to like that band until they blew up. He's that guy. They were cool, man, until they got fucking famous. Yeah. Acid bath was good until they sold out, you know? Dude, I remember one time I was on fucking drugs, and I was at the Time Saver. And Time Saver, basically just a gas station where they sell gas and they sell other stuff inside, which is oddly the complete opposite of gas, food,

which is really a rare mix to sell next to each other. Very strange. And the lady, I went in there and I was so fucked up. What were you high on, bro? I don't remember. Just probably Christ and a couple of other uppers and downers. Some Jamba juice? No, no, this is before they had Jamba juice, dude.

This is when you just had to put all the fruit in your mouth at once and just do your own work. Thank God. And we went, and the lady goes, where y'all been at? Acid bath? That's what she said to us, dude. Acid bath? Bro, we didn't know that it was a band, right? Because there's a band called Acid Bath.

And, bro, we were so fucked up, and we couldn't tell what she was saying to us because no one would ever think that somebody would say, where y'all been at Acid Bath? We'd never heard of Acid Bath. You thought you were tripping. We were just on drugs, yeah. She's like, where y'all been at Acid Bath? We're like, what?

What the hell? We just want Mountain Dude Red. Yeah. Oh, I just wanted to- We're just looking for that code red, girl. I just wanted to fucking crawl into a bag of fucking Funyuns and just go, just look for the Lord, man. I didn't know that drug, Theo. I know the clean Theo.

Yeah. Well, fuck you. Let's move on. I'm joking, man. I'm happy to see you today. Sorry. It's been a long weekend, dude. You need some drugs.

What else we got? Up next, we got a little debate club. Do we even know how to do this segment yet? That's one thing long weekend, dude. You need some drugs. What else we got? Up next, we got a little debate club. Do we even know how to do this segment yet? That's one thing I want to know. Have we ever figured out how to do it? Let's try. What do you got, D? Good call.

You're right. First one is from Sammy Brown from Fresno, California. Oh, damn. Let's go to the Browns. Hey, Brendan. Hey, Theo. Sammy Brown here in Fresno, California. Great name.

Theo, looking forward to seeing you in Brea, California in August. I got a debate club for you guys. Cheez-Its or Goldfish? Damn. Cheez-Its for me all the time. Ooh. That little blonde brave heart.

Cheez-Its, girl. She's a little girl. What's up, girl? Little blonde. Cheez-Its all motherfucking day. Goldfish, get out of my goddamn face. Cheez-Its are delicious, man. Really? Tell me more, then.

You know what? Whatever she shot, I was going to agree with. Oh, really? You're that kind of guy? Yeah. I was into it, man. Oh, you're just a little bit of, you're just a little snacks, just a little. Snack lover.

Yeah. You know what I like, though? The Cheez-It Tabasco. You had those? Oh, yeah. Game changers. Tabasco out of Louisiana. Oh, it's, yeah, all right.

It's nice. I'm just saying, try and get the peppers anywhere else, dude. Well, it's kind of global now. Yeah, right. You can get them wherever. Yeah, they grow on one island in Louisiana, Avery Island. Tabasco, though. Tabasco Cheez-Its for the win.

Okay, Tabasco Cheez-Its. Now, what other crackers are you comparing these to? Because I like more of a wheat than. Oh, you like a Triscuit? No. If you want to die, eat a Triscuit with no water. Really? Oh, dude. Good luck with that. Well, I feel so sad every time they're mailing all those food to other countries and stuff

and they send a bunch of Triscuits to the Middle East. Triscuits? Yeah. You got it. Yeah, stuff And they send a bunch of Triscuits To the Middle East Triscuits? Yeah You got it Yeah It's pretty fucked up To send triscuits To the Middle East

Or Africa It's crazy You think those kids With the big bellies Want triscuits? The fuck? That's suicide bro Dude my dad said

When he was growing up Some of the people In his neighborhood Were eating dirt And their bellies Would get all big from it From the dirt? Yeah

From eating Cause they would make Little snacks out of dirt and then eat them. Pretending they were real snacks. Yeah, they're called mud pies. But these people were breaking off slices to one another. Oof. You know?

A real slice of pie. Yeah, doing birthday mud cakes. Yeah, man. What is this? Oh, look. First of all. Dude, you ever had a Ritz? As we're on it.

You ever had a Ritz? Dude, I got some peanut butter crackers in my bag. I just remembered that I got a D-Day yesterday. You're fucking right you do, man. Let's go to the Culture Corner for some real snacks. I'm sick of listening to your bitch ass. Dude, you're aggressive today, dude. Well, I'm fucking angry, dude.

I'm trying to quit smoking cigarettes, you idiot. Well, why don't you get a patch or something? You don't think I've tried it? You don't think I've fucking laid in bed with six patches up and down my fucking legs, boy? Yeah, I don't know, dude. Let's go to the culture corner. Sorry. What do you think, D?

Oh, bro. Ritz cracker with some bologna and cheese on that bitch? Oh, damn. Come on, bro. We don't make a sandwich, bro. We're just talking about the crackers. You had to get racial again, bro. With fucking bologna.

Cheese and bologna? Yeah. Well, fuck, bro. It's on the box. That's what the picture is. You put cheese and bologna on anything, it's delicious. Well, fuck, bro. It's on the box.

That's what it's written on. You put cheese and bologna on anything, it's delicious. Bro, if you just put cheese and bologna on your hand and lick it off, it's good. We're talking solo, bro. No peanut butter. No, you know, Ritz, you can get the crackers with the peanut butter. No, he's saying, no, I respect what he's saying. He's saying Ritz with cheese and bologna, man. I'm talking straight up cracker for cracker, pound for pound crackers.

And I ain't talking about KKK. I ain't talking about Newt Gingrich here. I'm not talking about them neo-Nazis. Yeah, dude. What do you think, Kat? Ritz are the best. Best crackers. God, they're good, huh?

God, they're nice. Actually, you know what? I'm going with those little Keebler Farm crackers, those little hitters, man. White devils. Oh. Those rectangle dev rectangle devils god they're so good and they usually give them at a salad bar yeah god they're good with them too dude i could have 40 or 60 of them dude at pizza they used to have them at the salad bar we'd go there my mom would get the salad and i'd go get up there dude i'd get like 60 packs i'm gonna keep under my pillow at night i would take them home and in the middle of the night i would get up and have a couple and go back to sleep.

I'm still with homegirl, though, a little Braveheart Blondie with the Cheez-It. Well, I ain't sneaking a snack anywhere around freaking Robin Hood over here, okay? This girl will gun your ass down going for a fucking couple extra calories at night. I'd rather lay in bed and just stay alive if I was staying at her house. But I think it's nice to see a woman do archery. She's the Katniss of crackers, and I'm down with this bad bitch. Yeah, I'm down with it too. Cheez-Its.

You've really just. You've lost it, bro. You have? Dude, you need a cigarette and some dick. What else we got? It was a 62% Cheez-It, 38% Goldfish. 62% Cheez-It, 38% Goldfish. 62% Cheez-It?

Yeah. Oh, I like them Club Crackers. That's what they're called. Yeah, that's right. Club in the green box? Yeah. Fuck yeah. Those are fancy, though. Oh, they're good.

I couldn't afford those as a kid. They're a little bit pricey, dude. Yeah, them Club Crackers. You had to steal them from the Pizza Hut, boy. But goddamn, they were good, dude. What else you got, D? Wake up at night, have a couple. Clayton Schofield from Omaha Clay's go

Let's go Drinking and driving and driving noise in the Uber Freebird. I'm saying Freebird just because the guitar's so low. Gang, bro. Dude, this makes no sense. Can we zoom in on him a little bit there at the bottom? Is it possible to zoom on video?

Should we say the Yardmarket? You can on video, right? You can't zoom in. Hey, yo, Brendan. I got a good one for you. Gang, gang, buzz, buzz, by the way. Yard Market. I got a good one for you. Gang, gang, buzz, buzz, by the way. Yeah. Yard Market.

Yard Market. That's good. Shout out to Yard Market, man. Shout out to your boy Clayton right there, Schofield. Can I play Stairway to Heaven real quick just to get our mind right? Okay. Can we hit that? Yeah.

Just so we can compare the two because that fucking free bird, it makes me want to rob a bank. Oh, dude, it makes me want to climb out of a sinkhole and change the world. I just want to rob banks, dude. Here's Stairway to Heaven. You couldn't rob a bank. You're in those tight-ass pants, dude. Okay, it's a little slow.

Yeah, the stairway's at a funeral, apparently. Oh, it is, because it's Stairway to Heaven. Stairway to a nap. Yeah, the stairway's at a funeral apparently Oh, it is, because it's stairway to heaven Stairway to a nap There's a place in the house God, hit me with the fucking God, just picture me as the drummer and you singing with that potato nose.

And I'm in the back like this with my shirt off, just shredded. Bro, I have potato nose. Boom, boom, boom. Geesh, geesh, geesh, geesh, geesh. Yeah, and two weeks later you're working at fucking Trader Joe's in the back, you fucking muppet. Fuck yeah. I'm at a potato nose, you potato rest of the body, you animal. Okay? You fucking Muppet. Yeah, we're gonna potato nose you potato rest of the body you animal

Okay, and I also told people you text me about possibly getting lip injections in your top lip, dude I don't need any injections, bro. Yeah, he's get any bigger top lips a little slender bucko And you know you know I have a top lip. I don't need a top lip bitch. I'm Lester. Oh, oh, I'm Lester Oh from the line bubblegum do we're Sammy Sosa's lotion. That's what he looked like. Go give me some fucking shrimp. Instead of smoking cigarettes, go get a shrimp. Get everyone here shrimp. I'm trying to quit smoking cigarettes, and you look like bubble lump, dude.

You look like a... Bro, you look like someone broke into your body and just sprayed a bunch of fucking drywall in your cheeks. Dude, you look like security acetobut. Bro, you look like your whole face is soundproofed, dude. You look like you're going to get asbestos poisoning from your own fat cells. You dress like you only fly on Spirit Airlines. I'll give you that. You have the most frequent flyer miles on Spirit Airlines.

Dude, Spirit is crazy. One guy didn't even have a seat. They just tied him to the wall. Yeah, you just hang on like a bus just fucking and forget about drinks bro one lady

pulled the thing and got off early I remember she jumped out I love spirit airlines no you don't no I don't I hate them

yeah man I don't fly them yeah what else you got dude I don't mind them I like spirit if I want to turn up a little bit

if I want to cop a gram and fucking get a little ratchet. Oh, get bent in the back, son. Just like I like a grayhound. You like to get bent in the back of Spirit Airlines? Stay woke, motherfucker. Well, you got to turn Spirit Airlines to Brokeback Air Mountain.

Dude, stay woke, bro. No. Stay gay, dude. Dude, the parades are over, dude. It's not gay at 30, stay woke, bro. No. Yeah. Stay gay, Theo. Dude, the parades are over, dude. Dude, it's not gay at 30,000 feet, bro. Anything is possible. You stop smoking cigarettes, just turn gay. What the fuck? Bro, a lot of side effects.

Read the packaging, bro. Yeah, you're right. All right, what do you got, D? Stairway to Heaven or Free Bird. Oh, that's right. If I'm meaning tomorrow. Please stop. Free bird.

Free bird. You're Toronto Raptors. Sorry. You're a hype boy. Just letting you know who the world champs are right now, dude. Stop smoking cigarettes now you're a Toronto Raptors fan. Yeah, I'm you, bro. Wow.

I'm you today. We're two hype boys. Oh, I'm a Toronto Raptors fan, dude. You know hype boys oh i'm a toronto rafters fan dude oh i'm theo i stopped smoking cigarettes oh i'm gay yeah i'm also hey man no nicotine makes me want to suck dick i want to fly spare airlines get bent oh i'm brendan today lot lizards lot'm Theo. Melk. I got this one lady named Mrs. Grantstons and she used to throw rocks

and we would all run and it was crazy, man. She had a big head. Don't touch me, bro. Gang, gang. Gang, gang. Don't touch me, bro, but keep touching me. Let's move this along, bro, before this battleship sinks, dude. Okay, well. You guys are going to hell, man.

Not all of you, but some of you are. 56% of people went with Stairway to Heaven. 56? Of the King of the Stars. Oh, wow, I disagree. Yeah. No, I think that's Freebird, huh? Yeah, Freebird all day.

Yeah, you can't, because Freebird gives you the option at the end to hug or even make it. Freebird makes me want to buy a crimson tie shirt and yell out racial slurs for some reason. I don't know why. Well, you could just cheer for the team and not do that. No, every third quarter they get racist. Every third quarter. It's called racist third. Is it really?

You ever seen that? Yeah, that's how they stay undefeated. Well, I've lost all my jobs now. What else do you got? We got Justin Pratt. This is Justin Pratt. Oh, he's with the church probably. Yo, what up, Brendan?

What up, Theo? This is Justin coming to you out of South Carolina. Just got a quick little late night workout session in, so forgive me for being on the dark side of the video. But I got a quick little debate club topic for you guys. Would you rather shit your pants just a little bit every single time someone announces your name? No.

Or would you rather get a full-blown boner in your pants every single time you have a conversation with a woman me personally i can't really decide i think both are equally as bad i mean i'd probably go with shit in my pants what does that mean you could wear diapers there's a couple options but you really can't hide a full-blown hog in your pants and you're talking to a lady i know you guys are entertainers doing shows so every time somebody announces your name brings up on stage that ass is blasting i just want to know what you guys think uh gang gang buzz buzz i love you guys and everything you do always looking out for it keep on keeping on boys love you man buzz buzz that ass is blasting bro that's something something you would say first of all obviously i read your book he's definitely a fan oh that's the title of

my book this ass Ass is Blasting. I'm not surprised, dude. I stopped smoking cigarettes and wrote this book of my ass blasting. It's a New York Times bestseller. This one's pretty easy. Definitely pop that fucking boner every time I talk to a girl. I'm going to shit my pants every time someone announces my name.

Plus, the boner's part of the fun. Yeah. How are you going to hide it? You tuck it up like a telescope. You tuck it up. Tuck it down like a nose. Tuck it down like a psychopath, dude. Yeah, that is tough.

Tuck it down like a fucking sword. Like a frigate. You tuck it down like a sword, like it's fucking Braveheart. Or you tuck it down like it's Gonzo's nose in a ski mask. Or you just shark that bitch and leave it up. That's what I'd do, bro. You do the fin? I'm that sharky fin? I'll fucking roll right through the wedding party, bro, with that shark up. Oh, you just leave it out?

I'll do the Loch Ness Monster and have it just peek out the top of my pants. That's crazy. Bro, can you bring up a picture? They just found an alligator with a knife in its head and everybody's looking for it. Really? Yeah. Because I think alligators are tired of people making money off their meat, so they're like, oh, we're just going to cut off ourselves and sell it. We should do it ourselves.

Cut out the middle, man. There you go, knifehead gator. Making all those goddamn boots. Knifehead gator right there, boy. That K8, boy. The search is on. The search is on. He was probably dead. What kind of fuck stabbed him in the face? Who stabbed an alligator? One of the most evil creatures? No, they're not evil. Somebody. There's alligators doing alligator shit, man. Yeah, like

biting people. Yeah, if you're in the water like a dumbass. Oh, that's beautiful. Look at that thing. That's dope as fuck, dude. That is cool. An alligator swimming in Texas with a knife. You know how many bitches he's got now? He's the only one rolling around with a freaking knife, dude.

And he might have a birthday cake next time. Hey, who stabbed him with a knife from Outback Steakhouse? That's true. That ain't no fucking military knife. That's that fucking Flaming Young sitter from fucking Outback, dude. My grandma used to steal those. Bro, it's Flaming Young

not Flaming Young. Okay. Well, you can Flay Young too, you know. That's that sirloin fucking knife from Outback, bro. That's exactly what it is. What was the question? What was the guy's? Shit your pants when people say your name or get a boner when you talk to ladies.

We both said boner. Yeah, and that's an insane question, brother. I mean, did you think about the question first? And you seem like a nice guy, and I'm glad you're getting fitness in and everything, but you have to think about questions before you just say them out loud. You know, you have to...

Maybe you should have ran that by somebody, maybe. Yeah, and a boner, man. Look, I'd be happy to get a boner. You know, you have to... Maybe you should have ran that by somebody, maybe. Yeah, and a boner, man. Look, I'd be happy to get a boner. You know, I haven't had a naturally induced boner except out of sleep or on an airplane. That's when I get those boners. Yeah, feel praise for them. Yeah.

Well, look, some good heat in your pants to keep you, you know, excited. Keep you on your toes. Make you want to get up. Keep you on your toes, yeah. Yeah. Make you want to bust nuts. Yeah.

So what they need is coffee that makes you dick hard. Ooh, that's not a bad idea. Sure isn't. Put a little Viagra in that coffee. Another idea that I came up with and I'm still waiting to market, Olivcados. Crossbreed the olive with the avocado. And a nation was born.

And don't deny it. You want to say it's a good idea to look at them. You can see the good idea. You have a bunch of good ideas. I don't want the olive and avocado. The want to say it's a good idea to look at them. You can see the good idea. You have a bunch of good ideas. I don't want the olive and avocado. The olive-cado it's called. Say its name. No, I don't want it.

Say its name. No, I don't want it. You ever had a grapple? No. A grape and an apple? Eh. Oh, but an avocado and an olive sounds good. Actually, a grape and an apple sounds good.

They make them. No, they don't. Grapples. No, they don't. Yeah, grapples. They're called grapples. They're giant apples. Well, they don't. Grapples. No, they don't. Yeah, grapples. They're called grapples. They're giant apples. Well, I'll tell you this.

I'd rather not get a grapple in my pants like this guy wants to after he's working out. Maybe lay off that custom protein powder, dude. You know, back off the T-cells or whatever you're buying on the internet. Oh, grapples. Back off that whey protein. Yeah. Yeah, I've had a grapple. My son loves them. But yeah, shout out South Carolina, man.

Thank you for the contribution. And think through your questions next time, though, man. And also, look at that. Are you sure this isn't just an outtake from that movie Drive? Did you see this guy's video again? Yeah, it was super dark. Go get a grapple and think of a better question. It was better than the whole movie, I felt like.

What else you got, D? 93% of people went with Boners. Yeah, man. No one wants to shit their pants. Well, 7 out of 100 people do, so that's... That's just telling you something about the fan base. Yeah. 7 of them shit their pants.

Up next is a little flaunt my aunt. All right. We're going to start with Aunt Brooke. I can't tell. Does Brooke have one black eye? Brooke is a cross-dresser. Oh, Brooke is a man? Yes. No. No, Brooke is a man? Yes.

No. No, no, no, no, Brooke. And let's take that part out, actually. Can we do that? Yeah. I don't want to call Brooke a man. But also, let's also decide first. Can we look at Brooke again?

Dude, Brooke is a fine young aunt, and it says she loves plants. Can you look for another second? I will say this. I don't want to get in a headbutt contest with her. That's all I'll say. Yeah. I'll say this. Brooke, it says flaunt my aunt.

Yeah. If I had this aunt, dude, I would definitely let her babysit me. Dude, where's Pete, my uncle? Yeah. You know what I'm saying? All we do is get these aunts all the goddamn time. Throw in an uncle every now and then. No, we're looking at women

I know, I'm just saying, peep my uncle Don't out yourself, dude, your friends and family are supposed to do that Dude, you stopped smoking cigarettes And you're gay now And I think we should celebrate it by peeping uncles There's side effects on the packaging, you animal Whatever Will you tell us some stuff about this beautiful lady?

What do you think about this? She works in a doll factory Favorite food is chocolate covered bananas. She wants to be the one to break Theo out of his slump. Oh, she wants to be his slump buster. What's her name? Aunt Brooke.

I'm going to look at the camera right here. Brooke! You want to get to the cheese? Gotta go through the bees. Oh, damn. Wow. Hey. Brendan with the first successful rhyme of 2019. Hey. Unbelievable.

Only took him six, 17 episodes. Although, I'm Brooke. My friend's gay now. So we have to figure it out. Yeah, if I'm gay, you'll know it. All right? You idiot. You better bring cigarettes, girl.

You better bring cigarettes. Touch me, bro. Don't touch me, bro. Shout out to Aunt Brooke. I'm not mad at her. Favorite food, chocolate, bananas. Okay. What do you think of that, D?

What are you trying to imply there? What do you mean? I'm just saying. I like another opinion. I don't like it. It's basically, it's a banana and black face, and I think that it's wrong. I don't know if you guys have ever seen it or not. I didn't want to say it.

Don't touch me, bro. I didn't want to say it. I feel like it's a little racist. Yeah. Now, a dark chocolate banana is really, it's good. That is pretty good. The milk chocolate. What do you think, Derek?

What do you think about this dime right here? I want to know what's going on with that mascara on her eyes. She looks like one of those girls from the porno videos with the mascara running. You know what I mean? Oh, the Bukkake girls. Is she holding a cookie or is that- A slice of pizza. It's pizza.

You know it is pizza. Is that pizza? Are we sure? Yeah. Is this Dave Portnoy in a freaking disguise? Who is this? Ma, oh God, ma. Why does she have a Barbie thing?

What's going on here? What do you mean? She works at a doll factory. Oh, she works at a doll factory. So maybe she is a doll factory Oh she works at a doll factory So maybe she is a doll A doll factory I thought you said a dog factory What is that?

What is that? Like Petsmart? Like a puppy mill? Where do you live at in your head? Dog factory Again Aunt Brooke If you want to get to the honey you gotta go to the beach you fucked up your own yeah i did i fucked it up you fucked up your own life i fucked it up well i'm talking full life you get on cigarettes i need cigarettes look i'll

say brooke got them front cookies man them. Them hitters, them tits. And if this is a real aunt, because there's a lot of stuff going on here. She's got that mascaria like your boy said, Derek. Zoom in on that. Hold the fuck. Dude, there's shit all over. No one's noticed this? It's semen, isn't it?

Yeah. Hey. She's got a fucking semen roll, isn't she? That's not icing, Theo. it? Yeah! Hey! Ding, ding, ding, ding! She's not a fucking semen roll, is she? That's not icing, Theo. Bro, this is a man. Dude, that's not a man. She's making a porno, and this was the end of it. You know what?

Don't cut out the part I said in the beginning, because I was trying to be... Go back to this. Look at the whole thing going on here. The blonde hair doesn't match the rest of her hair. This is a man's face. And he got busted on. He must be off cigarettes. Oh, God. He's flying Spirit Airlines.

He's off cigarettes. He works at a doll factory. This is a young fella, man. This is a nice young man who enjoys pizza and getting loads on his face. Well, who knows? Dude, I'm a detective. I've seen way too much 448. Hey, case solved. You're a detective,'ve seen way too much from 48 i hey case solved you're a detective

dude you're the worst detective you spent six minutes praising this young lass dude what are you talking about he said a couple nice tits i'm not taking her out for a good time the first thing i said was that this young fella zoom in you did call it hey You did call that. Hey, hold on. How does no one running the cameras see the fucking semen on this dude's face? Bro, what is this turned into, man? I don't want to be a part of anything like this, man. Yeah, let's put this on this time, but I ain't doing this stuff where I'm looking at semen on some fella, man. It might be sweat, though.

That ain't sweat. That's thick, thick sweat out of somebody's nuts. It is, man. It might be sweat, though. That ain't sweat. That's thick, thick sweat out of somebody's nuts. It is, dude. I'm serious, man. We can do it this time. I'm not looking at this kind of stuff. I didn't come here to look at this. Go to the next one, Derek.

Would your mother want you looking at this shit? No, she would not. She wouldn't like it. Jesus Christ, dude. Up next, we got Great Aunt Orphelia. It's Great Aunt Orphelia.

Damn, now, this is a lady I could work with. This one of them Florida bad girls right there. Let me see her. Zoom in on her. She got that frozen treat. Or she having a little sack of made-em-to-go wieners. What are those called? What's those can of wieners that they have?

Them little ones? Oh, Vienna sausages. Them Vienna sausages, yeah. Oh, man. Them Italian little deals. Fuck, dude. Man, y'all are gross, bro. I can't believe it took us 30 minutes to crack that case.

Yeah. Oh, dude. Us? I watch a lot of First 48. You must watch First 2048, bro. It takes you the longest time ever to solve a crime. Dude, you didn't solve it either. To the very end.

Bro, you're like Encyclopedia Shit Brown. That's your name, bro. Dude, that took you forever to solve, man. You're praising the titties. The first thing I said was, this looks like a man. Take that out because we want to hurt their feelings. Leave it in now. If you're sending whoever that is, you're sending them in here with semen on us.

You got to tighten up. Yeah, you got to get your life together, man. Putting semen on your friend and taking pictures of him. You got to get out of your mind. Putting a wig on him. You got your goddamn mind. That's not what we represent. And that person looked trapped or something.

They had something written on their shirt. I don't even want to go back and look at that. Me neither. Yeah, send it to Encyclopedia Big Brown over here. He'll solve it for you probably by 2030. We'll see. This woman, man, she looks

nice. She's got the Crocs on with the socks. Yeah. You got to be a certain age to wear Crocs with socks. Oh, she's a crocodile. Boy, I like it. Grandma crocodile. She's got those floral plant legs. I like that. The kind of pant legs that you could blend in with a lot of furniture, too, if you get that floral print. Sure. She could stand by a curtain, and half of her body's playing hide-and-seek automatically.

Got the dad hat on. What is she eating there? Is that a nice sort of power bar of some sort? Well, apparently, she loves cookies and snacks, even though she's a diabetic. Gangster. I love that. Don't let diabetes hold you down. Keep eating candy. Well, she's going to have sugar issues. She'll be in a

wheelchair in no time, but... Maybe. Or it's all fake. Fake news. You know what I'm saying? Keep eating that sugar, girl. That's true. She looks healthy. She looks fine. Legs crossed. Enjoying a cloudy day. She might have liabetes. She might just be lying and just having snacks. Her favorite hobbies are

cooking and making up illnesses. Oh, dang it. Oh, there you go. Do you know what that is? Also, that's a churro. I can see a churro all the way from here, my man. That is a churro. Yeah.

Oh, that is a churro, huh? Picture a little vulgar now. Yeah, that's a churro. I love it. She's taking it straight to the dome, too, dude. Yeah, deep throwing that churro. Wow. And look at that soft palate she has.

You can see her. She's showing half of her palate. Mm-hmm. Dude, if she's, yeah, faking diabetes, man, she just, that's basically just becoming an American tradition, dude. She's, yeah, she'll be fine. Everyone has diabetes now. Yeah, definitely. That's the cool thing to do.

Give yourself a shot every hour. Oh, yeah. You see like a whole group of people at the airport, like just the wheelchair club, like a group of dolphins just going by. Go to Disneyland. It's a whole fucking trove of them. Oh, really? Whole trove of them. Oh, yeah.

And they throw fish up in the air for them. But yeah, she seemed like a beautiful young lady. What's her name again? Great Aunt Orphelia. Orphelia. Shout out to Orphelia. Yeah, and she was in that Greek tragedy too, I think, wasn't she? I think so.

I think I know what you're talking about. So she deserves a break if she's been on them battleships and all of that. Shout out to the churros too, though. Oh, yeah. Beautiful treats, huh? What else you got, D? Last one, we got Aunt Brenda, Aunt Bernadette, and Aunt Theo. Oh, we got two of them, huh?

Oh, they turn us into girls? Oh, shit. Damn, I'm fine, boy. Dime time. I tapped that. Welcome'm fine, boy. Dime time. I'd tap that. Welcome to the bank. It's dime time. You look like two nickels, dog.

I look like shit as a girl. Damn, bro. What's disturbing is you're way better looking as a girl. You look like two nickels, bro. You look like a nickel and five pennies, bro. And you over here in the dime world. Dude, you look pretty good there. I'm not going to lie to you.

Penny for your thoughts, dime for your time, baby. You feel me? Dime time, son. Damn, bro. You look like somebody that's going to run for office at school, dude, in college, dude. And I look like somebody that's out there fucking.

You look like you're on CNN right now. I'm going to talk some shit about Trump. Apparently, they mixed mine with a rat because I just have a rat's face and teeth now in that picture. It's not good. Well, it's just a picture of you. I don't know, man.

Damn. God, I wish you had a sister that looked like that. I do have a sister that looks just like me, actually. Really? I put her on Spirit Airlines. Really? Yeah. I couldn me, actually. Really? I put her on Spirit Airlines. Really? Yeah. I couldn't hear what you said.

You put her on Spirit Airlines? Oh, yeah. And fly her where? To Pound Town. Oh. You're disgusting, dude. She's underage. Oh, dude.

No, I'm saying if this was your sister. Yeah, what are you saying now? Where are you, huh? What are we doing? We should GPS your life life bro and fucking god take the next step i wish you were a girl that looked like that sick of this ugly mud what else we got uh up next we got a little relationship advice oh my favorite part i feel like mvp sorry hi boy um i feel like we're helping the nation out with this relationship advice

yeah somebody called me the other day and said that they enjoyed it. Our first one is from Angelo from San Diego. Is it Angelo? Angelo or Angela? Angelo. But the show, I don't know anymore. I don't know anymore. Yeah.

What are we going to get? It's your show, man. What's up, Brandon? What's up, Theo? Whole lot of gang shit. Buzz, buzz. Gang, bro. I'm coming to you guys for some dating advice uh i'm 23 years

old and i consider myself to be you know in decent shape you know what i mean i work out five six days a week i train that muay thai that one two hitter uh super active got a job uh in school but i just can't seem to find the one every girl that's interested either as a boyfriend most of the time or i don't know if they're lying to me or what but yeah so do i do i just start pulling up on girls in the gym that are squatting and asking for a spot or do i try to help her on that deadlift form you know what i'm saying like how do i go about this dude it's it's hard out here in the streets for a for a 23 year old and i don't think it should be that hard i mean i see some ugly dudes pull some dimey dimes and yeah that's sort of like you're fucking i'm at least a hard seven bro and i can't

even i can't even find somebody. Okay. I don't know what to do. Hopefully you guys can help me out there. Whole lot of gang shit. Gang, bro. Buzz, buzz. Good luck getting your thing done. This guy could be on cocaine because the curtains are really drawn close together.

And the sword's hanging behind him on the wall as well, if you notice that. And both of those are signs of cocaine use. Let's go to Kat here. Kat, what do you think is going on with this young man? I don't know what's going on, but absolutely do not come to a girl while she's squatting or deadlifting. That's so annoying. That's a bad idea. Yeah.

Because she means business if she's squatting. Exactly. I say go up to her, compliment her on how strong she is, and then just walk away. Damn, girl, is that 315 pounds? Have a good night. Honestly, yeah. I'm more inclined to pay attention to guys who give me a nice compliment and just go about their day than guys who try to linger.

Because I'm like, oh, shit. You don't want to linger, and then they give you advice and shit. What if he asked her, hey, you want to split a protein smoothie after this? I don't know where your mouth has been. No. Wow. Well, he's not going to baby bird it to you. I mean, he's not going to.

You're just going to get your own straw. Yeah. One cup, two straws, baby. Wow. Well, he's not going to baby bird it, Tim. He's not going to. You're just going to get your own straw. Yeah. One cup, two straws, baby. Yeah. I mean, I think this guy obviously, you know, could have been doing some cocaine, I think, because they got the curtains drawn, the swords. And look, I've been there, brother. You know, I got swords at home, you know, and I got thick curtains, brother.

So I've seen that going on. And I think you seem like a guy that's staying in shape. You could probably find a decent lady. You're only 23, man. Post some pics on Instagram with your shirt off at the beach, bro. They're going to come crawling to you. Well, if you're looking for a real wife, I also think you could consider an import. He's 23.

You don't need to order a Russian bride. You're 23. Just get on them apps order a Russian bride. He's 23. Just get on them apps the kids do. DM some dicks. You got this, bro. I just don't think he's being active enough. Spend too much time in the gym and playing fucking swords. Yeah.

And look, I like swords, man. I think it's probably one of the best weapons you could use if guns went out of business or whatever. What do you think, D? What would you do with him? Stop. Don't call yourself a seven. Relax on giving yourself numbers.

He said a hard seven. What do you give him, Cal? What's a girl give him? And then we'll go around the guys. I feel like this is Cal's type. She likes Asians. I like nerdy guys. He might be nerdy.

He's into knives and yeah. Maybe. I mean. He might be spending too much time in in on knives and yeah. Maybe. I mean. He might be spending too much time in the gym. What do you give him, Kat? One to 10. For my personal taste. He's bottomed down.

He's lean and mean. I'm going to give him a five. Oh. He seems like a very nice guy, but for my type, I like nerdy guys. Yeah. If I can't beat your ass, I probably am not attracted to you. Wow. Oh, you're like a praying mantis.

Yeah, where they have sex with the males and rip their heads off. Yeah. D, what do you think about this? I'm a cat on this. He's a five. A five? I don't like the personality. He seems nice, but I don't like calling himself hot.

It's already like, bro, you think you're hot? Get out of here. You're a guy. Seven's not that hot. Seven's like, I'm here guy Seven's like I'm here Seven's like camp counselor hot Seven's like We're getting the gap cute hot

You know what I'm saying He didn't say a nine I'm cool with a seven and he's bodied up Seems like a nice feller He's obviously a fan of the show I give him an eight Dude go get a lifeguard job. Be a fucking lifeguard.

Or be a blood donor. If you got healthy blood, man, you got to get out there and give blood, dude. A lot of these guys, they got good blood, and they're here fucking around. Yeah, you're right. And if you got nine or however many pints you have in you, 11, what is it? Is it 12? Yeah. I mean, if you could give at least one.

You can do one. Drop a pint off somewhere if you're healthy like that. I mean, if you could give at least one. You can do one. Drop a pint off somewhere if you're healthy like that. I can't donate blood, though, because I used steroids when I was young, and they say you can't do it. They hold that against you? Yeah. You can't donate blood. Wow. I'll still donate a little and sometimes not tell them because I know I'm good.

But also, someone might need that testosterone in their body. That's what I'm saying, bro. Little Deca never hurt anybody. Bro, you drop a fucking half ounce of this into some of these twinks, bro Don't give them a couple extra hours out there on the catwalk So that's what I'm trying to say our bottoms, but look man a hard seven, dude I think it's some honesty at least the guys not giving himself a eight or a nine, but you gotta get outdoors, man You got to take your sword outdoors. Yeah, okay doors. So open the curtains. Larp it up. Live action role play. There you go.

Get that LARP, boy. Get that LARP. Slang them DMs. Good luck, my man. I give you a hard seven. LARP lizards, bro. A lot of LARP lizards, dude. You guys ready for some King of the Sting?

Yeah, bro. Jesus, this shit isn't over? Is this a seven-hour show? Can someone help negative Theo out over here? Dude, I told you I'm trying to quit cigarettes, dude. Your Toronto Raptors won, man. You should be happy. Yeah. You've be happy. Yeah.

Oh, Lowry! You've been a fan since day one. Oh, three! First up is Phillip from Santa Rosa. This is Phillip. Oh, damn, Phillip. Oh, Phillip.

What's up, Brenda, Theodore? I got a king in a stinger for you guys. Driving shirtless. I used to think it was only for psychopaths, but then I popped the top and I'm feeling great.

I've probably been doing it since day one. But Brendan, what do you think? Driving shirtless. King of the stinging. Gang, gang. Buzz, buzz. Buzz, buzz, gangsta. That buzz, buzz was a little soft, bro. That buzz was soft. He's heavy in the gang, but soft in the buzz. My kind of guy, you know?

Yeah. He has some pepperoni nipples as well. God, it's tough. The only time you can really take your shirt off is if you're in a topless fucking Jeep Wrangler. Yeah. Other than that, it appears he's in maybe, I don't know, some sort of Chrysler Sebring. It's probably not too cool. You know what I'm saying? You're going to attract the wrong dudes when you're doing that.

Well, I tend to disagree with you, Brendan. He's got those. He doesn't. His nipples are more like kind of like the ends of those Vienna sausages, bro. That's what I'm saying. He's got those Vienna bossages, if you know what I'm talking about, bro. He's got those hard hitters, bro. Them fucking channel picker uppers, dude.

That's a great beard. Them mantanas, bro. He's got those fucking nips sporting straight forward. And I'll say this, bro. He's got those fucking nips sporting straight forward. And I'll say this, man. I'll tell you this. I had a 1984 GMC Jimmy car, and I took the doors off that bitch at a certain point. I got jealous because my friends had nice Jeeps and stuff. You took the doors off?

So I just took all the doors off, yeah. That's dope. And you can do that. If your car doesn't have doors, you can take your shirt off. Yeah, and so once you had the doors off, then it was like having a Jeep, man. It ran hot, so I had to get out and put water in it all the time. But still, once you have the seatbelt on and your doors are off, I didn't give a fuck if the thing got water in it because it was only worth about maybe $750. Sure.

You feel like Mad Max, I bet. Yeah, and it felt just like Mad Max, man. And that's the thing. Legally, you can do that as long as you're got, especially in Tucson, Arizona, over there off Colvin Pantano. So if you have that doors off, then you can make anything a Jeep. But I say shirt off, doors off,

dick on, let's go. Positive attitude. Doors off, shirts off. Yeah. That's what I say. That's what I'm saying, dude. And I'm talking also Poirier in the second round.

Up next. What? You second round. Up next. What? You're me. Keep going. We got David Prider from Australia. G'day, Thayer. G'day, Brendan. David here from Western Sydney, Australia.

Yeah. More specifically, Blacktown. That's the suburb. Actual place that we live here is Blacktown. Blacktown. Don't know if you can see in the background, but we've got some kangaroos having a fight. Oh, sick.

So I've got a king in his thing for you guys. Costco. Bulk hitters. Happens to be my place of employment. They pay me the good monies. Want to know what you think about it. What do you think about them bulk hitters? Can't wait for you guys to come back to Australia, Theo.

Unfortunately, I missed out. But we'll get you next time. Gang, gang, buzz, buzz. Gang, gang, buzz, buzz, man. Shout out to Australia, bro. Shout out to Western Sydney. Shout out to kangaroos. Costco gets on my nerves.

I don't need 19 pounds of oatmeal. You know what I'm saying? I'm trying to get in and out. It's too much. Really? It's too much. Bro, you look like 19 pounds of oatmeal. You know what I'm saying? I'm just trying to get in and out. It's too much. Really? It's too much. Bro, you look like 19 pounds of oatmeal with eyes, brother. Okay.

So maybe you need to take a cart down your own aisle. It's just not my thing. It's too much, man. I don't need fucking 20 pounds of Costco fucking toothpaste. You know what I'm saying? It's just too much. Bro, now I... And usually their samples are terrible.

Like, do you want to try the yogurt? No, I don't want to try the fucking yogurt that's been out for hours. For the samples at Costco. What do you think about this one, Derek? Dude, I'd go to Costco for the samples, dog. Whole Foods has it now, though. And you don't need a fucking membership. Let him say what he thinks, Brendan.

I'm just trying to help him out here, man. He doesn't need help. He's an adult. I like it because it's a warehouse full of samples. You can do like a Universal Studio ride of samples pretty much. He's good. Yeah, dude. You could really just lay on the front of somebody's cart, plank on a cart with your mouth open.

Like a shark. And just cruise through that thing. I love that idea, man. I like it. Look, I like Costco because, dude, some of the samples is too big. I had a fucking eight course samples the other day. You know what I'm saying? love that idea man i like it look i like costco because dude some of the samples is too big i had a fucking eight course samples the other day you know i'm saying i'm i'm knuckle deep into a fucking prime rib over there dude you can get a nice uh meal there too they're hot dogs churros pizza

pretty cheap too oh a little restaurant on the side where you don't need the stupid membership yeah tires there yeah rugs tvs theaters sick TVs, theaters. It's sick, man. Oh, I got a television filled with vanilla pudding. You can get anything you want at Costco, man. You can get a tire filled with fucking frozen raspberries. I bought 75 blueberry muffins the other day. Probably only get through 10 of them. Also, that is Brennan's nickname on Grindr, Blueberry Muffins.

75. Blueberry 75. And I know that's code language. That's how you're sending it out to these guys. He does it every episode. He picks a baked good and then a number with it. And they know what's up. But I'll say this, man.

I think you cruise through there. They got the guy with the fucking yogurt gun. He'll shoot a half quart of yogurt down your throat. But now also, it's dangerous in there. You get into some of the deep areas in there in the Middle East of Costco. They got people starving in there, people in tents, people that can't find their way out.

They had a man in there that they found. Took seven days to find him. It's too big. Too much going on. It's too big, man. But I'm a fan of Costco overall. You see people spraying their back, pushing 40-pound sacks of frosted flakes to their car.

Bro, how about the checkout line? No. It takes forever. Forever. The dude bought a car in front of you. 17 pounds of fucking peanut butter. You know what I'm saying? They got to scan that car. Oh, dude's got tires.

Bro, he's in a Toyota Tercel with a trunk full of crunchy, and that dude's trying to get out the main line, bro. Get the fuck out of here. Go to the express, bro. Yeah, GTH, boy. Go to hell. A king Costco overall, though. Yeah, and thank you for the submission, too, brother. Especially with the ones with kangaroos in the backyard.

That's dope. Shout out. Have fun in there today, man, over there at the Costco, dude. You know what you could do also? Maybe sneak a couple of snacks. Here's the thing at Costco. You can't even sneak food into the back. I used to work at a grocery. I used to do checkout.

Me too. On break, I would walk down an aisle, pick up everything off the aisle, go straight to the snack room. Yep. I'd go to the bathroom. Or bathroom and eat it in there. That's exactly what I do. Do whippets, come back to work, dude. Boom. That's's exactly what i do i got fired because reading the magazines eating all the food

i got fired here's the other thing about costco the fucking beef jerky it's insane the bag the briefcase of beef jerky oh that's brief jerky you're eating dude yeah bro that turkey dude you're fucking like wild boar jerky and shit. You're a fucking Willie Loman of teriyaki, bro. You got that brief jerky. What I'm saying is this, man. That's the problem with Costco. You can't even get a quick snack and sneak off something and hide it.

No. Because everything's too damn big. You can't run into the gas station. You can't run into the bathroom with an 11-pound string cheese. You can't be carrying a fucking 70-pound sack of fucking nuts into the bathroom. Oh, yeah. The smallest thing they have, man. Yeah, man.

So not a great place to snack. It seemed like a fun place to work, man. King it. King it. Our last one, boys. This is from Corey and Mike from Scranton, Pennsylvania. Did we say king it or sting it? We said king it.

But did we mean it? I felt like we both liked Costco. Yeah, I like it, bud. Or sting it. Hell yeah, dude. That's hilarious. Feels international sport, baby. Oh, man.

Look, dude, I think they should let the guys pour gasoline out the window while they're going around the track so there's more fires after a couple rounds. Yeah, I like when they fight each other. Yeah. I like when they fight each other with helmets on, like bump each other. Oh, yeah, dude. When they get out of the car, like, what the fuck, man? They both get the helmets on and hit each other.

Oh, I remember Tony Stewart killed that guy, that Postmates driver, who got lost on the track, even hit that fella. Oh, I remember Tony Stewart killed that guy, that Postmates driver who got lost on the track. He hit that fella. It's a wild world out there, man. I went to a race this year, one of my first races, and I love it, man.

I thought it was awesome. I heard in person it's great. On TV, it's kind of some bullshit. But I heard in person it's awesome. In person,

it's relaxing, actually. I mean, you sit there and it's really chill. The problem is you can't see the... If the scoreboard... I went out there to the AutoZone Speedway out here in Fontana. And if you can't see the scoreboard really well, you don't know who's winning or who's losing. Who cares though, you know?

Yeah. So many cars. And there's one section right there on the turn where a lot of men are basically trying to hope, because those tires will fly off right there, trying to lose a spouse. You know, you see a lot of men or women right there. Oh, so they're bringing their're fucking the old ball and chain. If you can't afford to take them on that cruise ship down to the Dominican Republic and kill them like that, like people are doing.

Like Big Papay. Yeah, you sit them on that tire corner, bro. Because you get hit in the face with that Goodyear 5000. Oh, dude, when that thing comes in hot, boy. That Michelin comes in sizzling. And you know your husband, ladies, you have to look out. If your husband is dressed for a funeral, when you go to a NASCAR event,

you got to know what's going on. Don't get all liquored up right there in that tire catch turn. Yeah, if your husband has sleeves on, you know something's up at a NASCAR. If he's bringing a shield and he just gets you a Mike's Hard Lemonade. If your husband has sleeves on and some slacks and not his typical attire, you know some shit's about to go down. Oh, you're about to catch a Fiorelli to the dome. I don't know what those tires are called, but can we get out of this episode?

I'll king NASCAR. That's it, fellas. Oh, we did it. Negative deal. The Dark Arts is live today, bro. Your team won. You're still dark. Well, Toronto Raptors, man.

Shout out to Canada. Shout out to Dark. And other countries as well. We the North. We the North.ors, man. Shout out to Canada. Shout out to Dark. And other countries as well. We the North. We the North. Derek's back. Welcome back, Derek. Man, thanks for having me back, boys.

Glad to be back. Glad you're back. I'm in Brea next week, dog. Brea Improv, brother. Oh, wow. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Brea Improv. Get you some. Get them hitters.

And I'll be there in Brea in August. So come on out and bring that bow and arrow. Shoot me while I'm on stage. Try and shoot me. Yeah, try and shoot me next week. Easy to shoot Brendan. Actually, Brendan looks like one of that little baby, that Valentine's baby that has the gun. What's his name?

Oh, he's like this? Cupid. Yeah. Oh, I thought it was stupid. They call him Cupid, dummy. What about Cupid? I thought it was stupid. Oh, you never got any Valentine's cards as a kid, huh? i didn't know but my but my buddy was like the handsome kid at school

so they gave him to me to give to him that makes sense you're the middleman oh kind of like i am for you with girls i'm the middleman yeah whatever dude i'm lonely as f bro yeah you look lonely yeah i sure do handsome kid in. You mean he had both eyes? That's it. We're out.