The Golden Hour - Episode 27: Bed Bath & Bath

Episode Date: July 11, 2019

Brendan and Theo recap their lunch with a wet waiter and talk watermelon fronts and desert fat backs, Nut Nation Relationship Advice, Roller Coasters vs Water Slides, David Aquafield, new submission ideas, Tobacco Dippin, Cosplayers, Blondes vs Brunettes, Goodwill models and much more!Policy Genius - https://www.policygenius.comShipstation - promo code: KATSIndochino - promo code: KATSScentbird - https://www.scentbird.com/katsLearn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoicesSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Speaking of mall, you ever been to Mall of America? Very easy to do. You ever been to the mall in Edmonton? Dude, there's four American eagles at that Mall of America. Dude, and I saw a bald eagle there, too, by the popcorn thing. Yeah, there's a lot of birds. Yeah. They just lived there. Crazy. Crazy, bro.

Are we live? Oh, yeah, you guys are going, right? Are we up? Oh, we are? Oh, man. What's up, boys? Came back from lunch, had that wet kid there, huh? Yeah, you notice that? Yeah, the waiter was wet.

Yeah, you ever shake somebody's hand and it's a wet hand? You ever shake the salamander's hand? That was this kid. He looked like one of those wet tree frogs. Yeah, he kind of really seemed like a young man who was... Didn't make sense. The AC was cranking. No one else was wet.

He seemed like somebody who kind of swims to a surface to breathe. He had a very wet... Like you try to shake his hand, it would slip out of your hand. It's like his mom fucked a tadpole. Every time I tried to shake his hand, it just kept... Like a fin almost. Yeah, just a wet hand. He seemed like one of the wet bandits from Home Alone. Like a fin almost. Yeah, just a wet hand. He seemed like one of the wet bandits from Home Alone.

Like a real wet bandit. Like a human seal. You've seen a seal right when they get out of the water. He's real shiny. I tipped him $4 extra because he spun that ball on his nose. Did you notice that? I did see that. That was cool.

A nice sandwich and a ball spin. But he really had a ball. A sandwich and a ball spin. You've really had a ball spin. A sandwich and a ball spin. You've been getting lunch at a massage parlor? That Sammy and that bee spin, huh? That salad and that bee spin. You just spit all over yourself. I did, bro.

Laughing. Did I drool? I think it's cute, man. You're going to go to heaven, I bet. Thanks, dude. I think the wet guy's going to go to heaven. Oh, yeah. Mine came straight from the to heaven, I bet. Thanks, dude. I think the wet guy's going to go to heaven. Oh, yeah. Mine came straight from the rainforest.

I'm talking this boy was wet. Bro, it seemed like he probably worked at Bed, Bath, and Bath. Very damp young fella. You ever meet someone, and I remember patting him on the back, and some of it splashed up into his hair. I was like, jeez. I'm telling you, I've never seen someone so wet in my life. I used an extra off water roll or some shit. Just fucking gills and just the moisturizer.

And everyone else is dry. Yeah, he had his own little climate going. And also, if you notice right up here in his clavicles, they had a little bit of algae. Maybe he's a magician of some sort. Like what, a water magician? Yeah, like a water. Yeah, explain this. I want to hear more about this.

David Copperfield, you know what I'm saying? Ooh, David Aquafield, maybe. Wet David Blaine up in this bitch. Yeah, dude. Made a nice sandwich as well. And how about that? It's an interesting place over there. How about the other young gentleman with the toupee and acts like it's just all good? Okay, well, we just went from

the place we were at could have been anywhere to now very specifically the place we were at. How? Because the other way, we could have just been anywhere. It could have been no one knows where. Now, people know there's also a young fella in there with a toupee, dude. And it's not a good one. You don't think?

I think it's good. Oh, I walked in and went, oh, sweet toupee. Well, look, man, a lot of our forefathers had toupees, dude. They call them big wigs. You know, that's where that term came from. So they'd wear wigs. Really? So the term big wigs came from them when big wigs.

Hmm. Yeah, this guy, is it a toupee definitely, you think? 110%. How good are you at guessing a toupee? Can you bring up a couple of toupees and then also some just regular hair and see if you can pick the difference? Well, here's the best one. Steve Martin. Toupee. Started going bald at a young age and

just decided to go toupee. Did he? I didn't notice that. This guy's toupee looks like a shitty yarmulke. Who, that guy over there? Yeah. He looks like a real fluffy yarmulke. Yeah. That yarmulke boy, that hair wallet there yeah he's like a real fluffy yarmulke yeah that yarmulke boy that hair wallet that's what i call it yeah that hair burns well sometimes you see uh

looks like a brown clam on his head damn his has a very ocean tide on it that one he has that style i swear to god it's. It's glued on. It's like you just like, hey, well, damn, dude. I love it, actually. I think a toupee, I can't believe they don't have more of them, really. I can't believe people are just showing their bald head to the world. I feel like it's so nude. I agree.

Take a little pride in yourself and get a wig, bro. I tell Cal and I get a wig all the time. If it's going, dude, toupees are fun. That guy might have that style and the next thing you show up, you get a jerry curl. Oh, you could do a finger wave the next day or you could do a... Some bangs if you want.

Bang it up. Yeah, bang it out, son. Yeah, I think if you had a toupee, the opportunities are endless. Actually, they had we just did a King of the Sting post on the Instagram, and they had a beautiful set of hair, actually, on Derek. If we can zoom in on that.

Oh, where he's basically Beyonce? Some very unique hair, and also Chin, if you notice. If Chin feels right at home there. He looks right at home. He is wearing glasses now, because he thought he had a tumor. Turns out he just didn't know where he parked his car. Turns out he just lost his keys.

It's not a tumor. He just lost his keys. And they asked him to wear glasses now so he can find his keys. That's nuts, man. Chin could rock a toupee, even. Well, why doesn't he, man? What a pussy. Here's my thing.

I don't mix it up. You're that strong. You're 6'3". It's a half ounce of hair, dude. It's not that heavy. It's not going to hurt your neck. Well, the old days, you know, the original toupees were very heavy, and people don't know a lot about that.

You'd have a four-pound, you know, it had a leather base. You had four pounds of hair and four pounds of leather and hair. Not these days, man. You don't... My hair my hair started go i'd be a different hairstyle every day i'd be like a black girl really one day my shit would come in pink next day it'd be blue silver black short with a martini glass and it sometimes you'll see like uh in louisiana you see a girl ship like a you know a martini glass cocktail hanging off the. that shrimp cocktail hanging off the side. Oh she'll have five shrimp hanging off the edge of her hair at the top.

I like it. Personally I enjoy that. Dude I love a snack you know. Yeah me too better than the basic bitches out here. Whoa.

Well I'm just saying cats out here. I'm not saying cat. Cat would you ever wear a wig? You don't need to. I thought about it but that's only because

I don't want to dye my hair again. I do miss colored hair. You know what's weird is when women wear wigs to foreplay, it's you with a wig on. I'm not that dumb. What if they put a mustache or something on? It's you with a mustache. Yeah.

Let's bring other chicks into the room. What? Oh, I see what this is about, huh? Is there a lot of wigs or prosthetic hair in Asian culture? A lot of extensions, not necessarily wigs. I think they're now catching on to wigs. Probably the easiest ethnicity to fake a wig because you guys' hair is just straight and black. There's not a lot of variety. Not a lot of variety.' hair is just straight and black. There's not a lot of variety.

Not a lot of variety. Our hair is really difficult to dye. Is it really? It's so goddamn dark and fine. Yeah, my hair doesn't lift as well. I used to have purple hair. It took me a hot minute to get there. Damn. I bet you look cool with purple hair, Kat.

I look like a superhero. Like an X-Men, honestly. I could see that. Like an ex-Men, honestly. Oh, I can see that, huh? It's fucking dope. Like an ex-wife, huh? That's storm. Like that triple X. Yeah, fucking Lisa Craft, baby. Hell yeah.

Tomb Raider. Support the podcast. Let's do it, huh? Let's start it up. The Cat Raider. All right, boys. We'll get into some debate club. Real quick, KD, would you ever do braids?

I've done braids before now. What about cornrows? I don't like that Kawhi Leonard, Allen Iverson look, man. It's a little too much, isn't it? It's a little too much, bro. I don't need all that in my life. Unless you're doing drive-bys. Yeah, I feel you. Because you have an old school, you kind of have that Frederick Douglass kind of freelance style. I like that Frederick Douglass. That Liberation Station, bro. I like that.

Have you ever dyed your hair or no? Ooh, black guys dyeing is tough. Really only blonde, yeah? Yeah, and you also have to be a receiver. You've got to be on the Cleveland Browns. Oh, yeah, that's true. And really good at catching balls. Yeah, they don't let you do it unless.

Yeah, you've got to be OBJ or whatever. OBJ. OBJ, YN, dude. OBJ, YN, yeah. He's kind of turned into a pussy, bro, to be honest with you. The dyed hair, the team, the dance moves, dude. Wasn't he on Dancing with the Stars? Sure.

He will be. That was Cruz, but I feel you. Victor Cruz is a G, though. Yeah, he'll sauce all over your face. But also, that guy was wet, bro. The waiter is so wet, I can't get over it, dude. So wet, dude. There was a little treasure box

Like an open fake treasure box Down by his feet I was like This guy's damn Dude he looked like One of the guys Off of The Pirates of the Caribbean

That come out of the sea He looked like One of their men Yeah he looked like The Caribbean dude Yeah like he was wet He just had puka shells On him

Coming out of the fucking Restaurant Just wet Bro he was dripping. He kept pulling, yeah, shaking the water out of his eyes. Weird. He had little birds just sipping off of him. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he was a real, he seemed like a real kind of, you know, kind of like a wet guy, you know? Yeah, I feel it's such an interesting bunch over there. Between him and the toupee dude, man, it's always a fun time in there. Oh, yeah. And then you go and get coffee and you got... I wonder if they have beef in there. I wonder if Hair and Damp have straight beef, bro. Oh, well, if they do, you better put that shit on the grill and kill it, dude.

There's what I'm saying, boy. Kill it, dude. There's what I'm saying, boy. Kill it, bro. Usually, people that do meat shoot it before they put it on the grill. No, I'm saying if there's beef, you better squash it up and grill it, bro. Squash it up. Because we don't need that in the restaurant, bro. You're wet. You're getting.

What? Damn, dude. Oh my god, man. It's a new series coming to Netflix, Wet and Gay. Bro, Wet and Gay? Bro, we had these two kids, these two girls in our town growing up, people called them Lertson and Derm, that was her name. Lertson and Derm?

Lertson and Derm. Because one of them had, you could see kind of her gums, and they called her Mr. Ed, but if Derm? Lertson and Derm. Because one of them had, you could see kind of her gums, and they called her Mr. Ed, but if you spell it backwards, it's Derm. And the other one had kind of big nostrils like me, and if you spell nostril backwards, it's Lertson. So it was Lertson and Derm. That's what everybody called them. What a great T-shirt name.

Kind of a cute pair, really. Were they cuties? Yeah, pretty sexy, man. I feel like if the— Regionally sexy, you know? I feel like if the toupee and the wet got together, they'd be a cute pair. Oh, yeah. Anything could happen over there, bro.

Put some aqua socks on your boy and get busy. Oh. Yeah, it's a really unique... That guy has his own little climate going on. Yeah. Fish is in the front. Fish is in the back. Cumulus in the front.

All right, let's get into this, dude. First, we got Jack Steele. This is Jack Steele. Great name. Hey, Rat King and Big Brown, we got a debate club for you today. That's racist. Water slides or coasters of rollers? Me, myself,

big roller coaster guy. I like them slides, boy. we be slipping and sliding out here boys on them hey gang gang buzz buzz buzz buzz my high friends um roller coasters or water slides which one is it uh i'm not a big water slide fan to to be honest with you. I'm a little traumatized as a young man on a water slide. But the water slide also, it's such a hassle at those water parks. You got to have the aqua socks on. Those things suck. You're on the sun all goddamn day. You're eating funnel cakes and sugar.

Next thing you know, you're on the lazy river. It's a nightmare. What are we talking about? We're talking about water slides and roller coasters, bro. And one time I was at a water park, right? And it was when they first came out. You know when they had like the tidal wave and you could surf it? Well, I decided to get on there.

I was young, man. And I got on there and the thing shot me out and ripped my pants off. My shorts. And the entire park's on my dick piece. Yeah, my dad tried chasing me. So it made it worse. I bet it took him a while to see it, too. No, everyone was like, it's a snake.

There's a coral snake in the water. Nah, man. That waiter swam up with a tray, I bet. He works at a waiter park, I bet. No scuba gear required. What is up with these guys? Are they stoned, it seems like? They're a little drugged up, I think.

Yeah, them boys are a little drugged up. Debate club. Devil's lettuce. Let me see. Water slides? Dude, water slides. Good way to catch herpes. Here was a crazy thing I remember.

Growing up, they had a water slide at this place, Lando Pines Campground. And somebody would do diarrhea on the slide. And then here's what they would do. Here's the move. They would shut the pool down for five diarrhea on the slide. And then here's what they would do. Here's the move. They would shut the pool down for five minutes at the bottom. Everybody would get out. Then they would just have us go again. Like that.

Cleaned everything out. Yeah, dude. And they had turtles. They had a big pond right next, like just a natural pond, like just a little, like a very, very little bitty lake. And they had some redneck turtles in there, huh? They're the ones with the red. pond, like just a little, like a, you know, like a very, very little bitty lake, you know? And he had some redneck turtles in there, huh? They're the ones with the red, I'm not saying derogatory term, but they're turtles with red on their neck.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. They had turtles. Yeah. They'd have a turtle with a damn mullet in there, you know? And a NASCAR number on his shell. Oh, man. Small hands in the back, you know?

Turtles in the front. Turtles in the back, turtles in the back. And then somebody would get a turtle and take it down the slide and leave it in the pool. At the bottom of the slide was an actual pool and people would get pissed in there. Turtles don't do well in chlorine. It was fun, man. It was exciting. What was the name of the place?

Lando Pines. And then you'd get you one of them Barks root beers, the red root beer, and your whole mouth would get stained red and your whole face even when you were a kid. Fuck yeah. And then you'd be freezing cold after you got out of the water slide, you know, and just drinking that Barks and just get your lips all red and just wander off into the woods. That's living, brother. Pedophiles back there. That's living, though, brother.

Chucking and diving them pedophiles, but that's living. I didn't have the pedophiles, but that's living. But you send a cold kid back there with fucking almost lipstick on his mouth, dude, from that Barks Red Soda, bro. Legit point, and the kid's trying to warm up. Oh, yeah. Pedophiles trying to get off. Crime in the front. Crime in the back.

Pedophiles in the front. Petties in the back. But yeah, these guys, I think you gotta go rollercoasters, man. I don't like having to put on the wet clothes and do all of that. Such a hassle, isn't it? The wet socks. Yeah.

The spongies. The other thing is roller coasters. When's the last time I went to Six Flags? Yeah. They need to chill out on that shit. I don't need to be on a goddamn stealth jet front row with barely any protection. Yeah, it's seven. Rip my fucking face off.

It's turned into Seven Flags. You didn't say it. And Iran, I think, isipping my fucking face off. It's turned into seven flags. You didn't say, and Iran, I think, is the seventh flag bar because that shit's getting heated over there. Dude, it's too much. One of them,

it's like you had to shoot your buddy with a fucking grenade launcher. It's like, that's way... Dude, why don't you just jump out of the plane hoping someone catches you? Yeah, let's go back to six flags, dude. You know? Yeah, dude.

It'll be more peaceful. It's intense. I'll be honest. I went there a year ago. I was scared of one. I told my girl, not happening. Yeah. be honest. I went there a year ago. I was scared of one. I told my girl, not happening. Which is why I went, I don't feel good. But really, I was scared.

And some of the rides are getting real wimpy, too, like the Big Bang Theory ride. And it's just like you and your friends just sit around a coffee table and kind of complain for a little bit. This isn't really good. This isn't fun. Six Flags is the shit, though. but they need to chill out, man. They need to take it down a notch. Well, they used to have better rides, too. They used to have leprosy.

Remember that thing? You'd get on there and you'd get off with a disease or something. Yeah, they used to have the CT wagon where it's just bumbling around. Yeah, man. I miss some of the old rides, but I'm going to go roller coasters all day. It keeps you dry if you guys especially if you got a kid and they got a diaper on and stuff and you got to take them off of The water park in it a place and everybody's wet and everything shit in their pants and stuff. Yeah. Yeah roller coasters all day

Yeah, all day 51% went roller coasters as well. Damn. That was a close battle. I know that was a psychos. I was so tight. I wonder I Thought there's a landslide for roller coasters. Water park? That shit's exhausting. The Lazy River? Get the fuck out of my face, man. What about daughter parks, dude?

Some 50-year-old guy bringing their daughter out, some 24-year-old dime piece. That's called a trailer park. That's for trailers, you delinquent. Up next, we got Michelle Rudazinski. Oh, yeah. Yeah, for sure. Shorten your last name. Oh, Rudaz.

Titski. Hi, Brendan. Hi, Theo. It's Michelle from Dallas, Texas with the Debate Club for you boys. Oh, shit. First off, I want to say I'm a huge fan of the show. You're both so fucking hilarious, and I appreciate you both so much. Wow.

Especially you, Theo. You're so charming, so handsome. You've got such a good heart, and I appreciate everything. Wow. Especially you, Theo. You're so charming, you're so handsome and you have such a good heart and I appreciate everything you do. Thank you, sweetheart. Thank you for bringing so much joy to my life. He's mean as fuck. So, debate clip for you boys. You're welcome. You can obviously only choose one. She was sexy.

I'm not talking about that fake shit that you guys see in LA. I'm talking about them all natural hitters, baby. Well, let's see them. Well, let's see them. Well, let's see them. Once again, you can only choose one. So if you could, would you rather be a tit man or

an ass man? Gang, gang, buzz, buzz. Buzz, buzz. Buzz Lightyear, huh? Damn, buzz it up. Buzz Beeler. Lava time in my pants, bro. Hell yeah. Welcome to the lava section, huh?

I got a water park in my pants now, girl. What's up, man? Who wants a couple of nuts full of lava, you got me? Six flags in my pants. Yeah. Tits or ass, here's the thing. People, this is the... Yeah, tell me the thing, Brandon.

Here's the thing. Here's the thing, bro. This is going to be unhelpful. No, it's not unhelpful. Here's the thing, bro. Yeah, what me the thing, Brandon. Here's the thing. Here's the thing, bro. This is going to be unhelpful. No, it's not unhelpful. Here's the thing, bro. Yeah, what is the thing? Are you ready for this? We've been waiting.

You don't have to choose this day and age. There's girls with front and back. They're called Latinas or black girls. Only white girls are like, ass or tits. Pick an ethnic girl. They have both. You know what I'm saying? But sometimes if you get a girl with both, they get reeled. There's a lot more. The potential for

violence is stronger. I like being on my toes. You know what I'm saying? Hell yeah. I got head movement. The other thing is there's nothing worse than a girl with a flat ass. I'll take a fat ass all day with some itty bitty mosquito titties. But if you got those big hitters in the front,

and you got that flat ass in the back, that ain't it, daddy. That ain't it. Dude, we had a girl when I was young, bro. Biggest tits ever. And she was like 12, huh? Bro. I feel bad for her.

She probably weighed 77, maybe 78 pounds, somewhere in there. 40 pounds of tits. Bro, 36 pounds of tits. Sounds like a movie, 40 pounds of tits. Bro, 36 pounds of tits, dude. Sounds like a movie, 40 pounds of tits. Each one of her tits. Her brother, her little brother, used to get in front of her and put both tits on his shoulders. And do like deadlifts?

And like squat with it? No, just like hold them. Oh, that's a good brother. Yeah, dude. I was trying to build his quad game or something. But yeah, man, and she had a very straight parallel, you know, just straight figure. Yeah, that's the bummer. We had a girl, similar thing.

It was almost like sometime when she was gestating or whatever, whenever she was being made in the womb, that a lot of her ass got lonely and went to B tits. Yeah, we call that flat ass syndrome. Yeah, I don't know if that's it. The thing is, we had a girl in seventh grade. Her name was Danielle, and she had the biggest tits in the world. Only like the darker boys, though. Only like the dark skin.

Yeah, I was more of her homie. But I had that boner during science all the time. La-ga-la-ga-la-ga-la-ga-la-ga-la. She used to take those big, yeah, bro. Danielle used to take those big tits and help the boys out in the back. Mr. McGregor's only growing yams, you feel me? Fucking welcome to Yamganistan. Yamville, baby.

Mama's got them sweet patats. I like more, I think. Like more well-rounded? Or you like the overbearing watermelons in the front? I like some ass, I think. Like a more well-rounded? Or you like the overbearing watermelons in the front? I like some ass, I think. You know, I like some, I like a, you know, kind of a, I don't mind a thick ass, a little bit of desert fat on it, you know? I don't like, sometimes you get that loose, loose fat.

It can be kind of erroneous. But if you get some, the Kardashians have that desert fat. And you like that desert fat? And I think if you get some of that desert fat, it's kind of, yeah, it feels kind of, like there's meat in there somewhere. Yeah, I feel it. I like that Worldstar hip-hop thick. Oh, God.

That's using those guns and shit involved with all that. Hey, God, you can get guns on there. They'll make it rain with some guns, but whatever, dude. Mix it up, Theo. Yeah, I guess so, man. Anyway, this tit magnet trying to get to you. Oh, yeah, I think surely you got them tits. Hey, you know what?

Congrats. Yeah, and congrats, too. Congrats on the real ones, man. They're hard to find these days. Oh, wow. Oh, and the crazy, you see some of these plastic ones. It's like somebody ordered a bounce house for the kids, you know? And, you know, I'm not mad at them.

One lady, she had on a necklace. It couldn't even set on her chest. The tits was so bouncy, you know? I'm not mad at them one lady she had on a necklace it just couldn't even set on her chest the tits was so bouncy you know i'm not mad at it it was just bouncing but sometimes you see somebody they installed them wrong they installed them way up here by their clavicles you know you're like what the heck is going on yeah it just seemed like two big ass fucking tonsils bro two you know two tumors on her neck no not tumors like tonsils dude anyways i like her fake like her real titties. They're cool, man. Yeah, I think they're cool.

It's rare you see it. I think they're cool. Especially in L.A., man. Look, if the world's ended, I'm going to be right up next to you by them tits. So good to see you. Thank you. Be well in Dallas, young lady. I'm an ass man.

Ass or tits. Listen, you don't have to pick. Her question was ass or tits. 2 out of 19, you don't have to pick. Get you an ethnic girl. Go. Her question was ass or tits. Two out of 19, you don't have to pick. Get you an ethnic girl. Go. I say both ass and tits. So, and if your girl doesn't have tits, you could also just spin them around and draw nipples on their ass.

Or put little Hershey, put them Toll House morsels on her ass if you want. Or if she's thick enough, you make her fucking tricep a titty. You know what I'm saying? What else you got, dude? We got to go to a little flamant, boys. Let's flant some ants. Up first, I hope I'm saying his name right. Johnny

Fuimano? Fuigomano. Fuigomano. Fuigomano fuigomano god damn fuigamamacita oh that's her on the left there she looks like uh an extra from uh that thrift shop song with mclemore yeah Yeah, she does. You know that song? What, what, what? She looks like Cruella DeVille a little bit. Yeah, she does.

She looks like she got about 30 Dalmatians, bro. She's a traveling RN, an avid thrift shopper. I knew it. She's a beautiful auntie of two teenage daughters of this lady right here the blonde i am wait the one on the far right we're talking about the mamacita the thrift store yes she's the aunt and the one who sent it in is the blonde woman that's her sister that thrift store vixen it's rare you get a thrift store vixen in this bitch beautiful and this is flaunt my aunt oh yeah this is goodwill's finest and is that real fur do we

know if that's fake what is that alpaca mogadishu what is it it's about as real as that waiter's toupee that thing is fake as shit and is that crown real is she of royal descent that's a good question them lips are real though brendan i'm just respect as a woman, there's a lot of fakeness going around these days. I'm proud of her. What else can you say about this girl, Derek? I like her jacket, Game of Thrones vibe going, like the mother of bad jackets or something. You know what I mean? Yeah. You ever been in a thrift store?

Oh, yeah. When I was little, my dad used to bring me and my brother in there every Saturday and say, you can pick one thing. I used to get one ski sometimes. Oh, wow. Pretty cool. Just a random baseball card some days. I used to get a vase or like a plate. Sometimes I get a high heel. Yeah. Why not?

Yeah. She seemed like kind of Italian. She's got that thing. Is this Rip My Drip? Flump My Aunt. Flump My Aunt. Yeah, look, I'd be her little nephew. You know, I would definitely come out of her sister's vagina if she needed me to. And I think she's, that coat is pretty sexy. She has a sexy Goodwill vibe. I'd buy her a used jacket or some shit if she wanted. Yeah, you got to get that coat pressure washed, though.

You know, if you get any furs, and that's rule number one. If you get any furs out of a 99 cent shop or a Salvation shop, you got to pressure wash that bitch. You got to. Yeah, and you don't put it in a washing machine. You need to really hit that thing right there where the follicles hit the leather. With the hot water, too. You have no idea what's been in there. Yeah, and you could even boil that bitch, obviously, and then drink a little bit out of the pot and just taste if you taste something fucking foreign or a little bit of paint.

Because most people ain't giving up their mink coat to the Goodwill unless it has some bad juice on it. Yeah, or some murder happening. That's what I'm saying. That mafia murder gives those up. Yeah, so that could be. That might be a New Jersey Goodwill. Yeah, she got that Jon Snow, though. She got that Janet Snow cone look.

And I'm not mad at her. Yeah, she's got some nice lips her face looks like nice she has a nice arm you can't see that other arm she's a goodwill model bro yeah they call it goodwill out here or do you call it the ark out in la where anyone know what the ark is in aurora we call it the ark the ark yeah it's called the ark it's another discount place oh no out here it's buffalo Anyone know what the Ark is? In Aurora, we call it the Ark. The Ark? Yeah, it's called the Ark. It's another discount place. Oh, nuh-uh. Out here, it's Buffalo Exchange and Goodwill.

Goodwill, Salvation Army. Salvation Army. That's it, I think. And I think the Salvation Army, we should let them fight whoever. You know what I'm saying, bro? Release the hounds. You know what I'm saying? Let's let them protect the border or some shit.

Stench only, bro. Throwing old paintings at people, they can fucking win in a heartbeat. Throwing old tennis rackets at people? Bro, you want the serenity prayer, you go to the Salvation Army. All right, let's keep it cruising, huh? Yeah. Up next, we got Uncle Eddie. This is Uncle Eddie.

Oh, gang, bro. Eddie's on some sort of ride there. Now, it looks like Eddie is on, is that Magic Mountain or Space Mountain? Space Mountain. Yeah, I know. That's drugs, bro. It looks like Uncle Eddie's on that muffin dust. You feel me?

Eddie's throwing up the Satan devil horns there on a kid's ride, and he's also in a tank on Space Mountain. So there's a lot of ride, and he's also in a tank on Space Mountain, so there's a lot of questions going on here. Oh, he'll huff a gram right out of a fucking, you know, out of a fella's butt. This guy. Kids in the front, kids in the back. Space Mountain, that's an aggressive outfit for Disneyland, bro.

Yeah, he, I don't think, I don't like wearing shorts around children. Me neither, dude. That's me. Especially at Disneyland. What do you think, Derek? What do you think about this white guy that's obviously doing something? Well, he's a teacher, just to know a little backstory about him, who knows all of Shakespeare. This guy.

Teacher? I think he confused Shakespeare with Fast and the Furious movies. Yeah, yeah. I don't think he's confusing them. Shakespeare, no, he teaches dodgeball. This is a P.E. teacher if I've ever seen one. Well, now that I look at him a little bit more, he definitely seemed like he could have a,

you know, he might be a very smart guy, Bernie. You can't just tell by looking at him if he's smart or not. People that know Shakespeare don't throw up Satan's horns and wear tanks to Disneyland, bro. And there's nothing wrong with being a P.E. teacher. My favorite teacher name was Mr. Bubbles. Really. And there's nothing wrong with being a PE teacher. My favorite teacher's name was Mr. Bubbles. Really? And he was a great PE teacher. Gave me a San Jose Sharks hat when I was a kid

before they came out. Shout out to Dr. Bubbles. We used to have a lesbian lady and she wanted to make all the girls tits hard. That's what she said. Make those tits hard. That's what she would say. Really? Yeah. Hey, why does every gym teacher go, Let's move, ladies?

Ever. Because ladies don't want to move sometimes, dude. That makes sense. Everyone, let's pick it up, ladies. We had a guy named Coach Hill, and he'd be like, what are you doing there, numb nuts? That's what he would call us, dude.

You jackass. I had a coach call us slap dicks. Yeah. Let's get moving, slap dicks. Let's get moving slap dicks. That's not even mean. Let's pick it up ladies.

That's like every dad when the weather when it starts raining they go but we need it. But we need it. That's what my dad says that every time.

Get over here you damn numb nuts. Let's get moving ladies. Shout out to this PE teacher though. Let's get moving, ladies. Shout out to the speed teacher, though. You ain't fooling nobody. He seemed like a decent guy.

Yeah, I like him. Knock, knock. Who's there? Patheon Brendan. Up next, how about a little relationship advice? My favorite part. I feel like we're really connecting. We need some new segments, too, we got to think of.

You and I need to get together next week and think some new segments along with these. Yeah. I like Rip My Ride. You do? People send pictures of the ride. I like Rape My Driver. People send pictures of their Uber driver. Hold on, hold on.

We've got a question. What did you say, Derek? I was thinking of Rip My Boss. I think you said Rape My Driver. Oh. Is that what you said? I would never say that. No, I'm saying like.

Okay, well then make sure you don't say it when you say it. Or your Lyft driver, you send a little video. It tells what kind of music they're listening to, how far was the drive, were they chatty Cathy's. I mean, some of them, yeah, that could be pretty good. Rate my pup, send in your animals. No. What's here in your animal?

Rate my pup? Yeah. Again, we'll come up with more catchy terms. It's just off the dome piece, bro. Yeah, yeah. Rape my pup, send in your animals. No. Rape my pup? Again, we'll come up with more catchy terms. It's just off the dome piece, bro. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, dude. That's what I'm afraid of. He's coming off the dome piece. Dude, you don't like rape my Uber driver?

No. Rape my animal? Yeah. What about rip my boss? I don't like the way you say rape. Yeah, I don't like the way you say it. Rape! Rape, bro! No one thinks I'm saying like the way you say rape. Rape, bro.

No one thinks I'm saying rape unless you're a psychopath. Everyone thinks you're saying rape, dude. No one in here. Dude, T, the letter T has T in it. Tuh. Rape. You're thinking rape, bro. You don't have to take the shirt on. That's why. I'm thinking it because you're saying it.

I don't think things that people aren't saying. Like if you're singing a song to me, I don't think like, oh, man, I wish I could find a job right now. I think things that people are talking about. Well, I'm just saying it could be cool. People send a picture of their boss, their animals, their cars, their Uber drivers, Lyft drivers. I think it can be fun. Yeah. Can you come up with any ideas?

Yes, I can. I want you to get back to us in seven weeks. What else you got, D? All right, up first, we got some relationship advice for Corey Bean from Westminster, Maryland. C. Bean out of West Mini. Oh, Corey Bean. Oh, yeah. Oh, damn.

Crotch hitter. What's up, Theo? What's up, Brandon Showers? Coming back from the crotch view, seeing the little lumpy pumpy at the bottom of the screen. Yeah. Nut Nation. I'm realizing my nostrils are really crooked right now. Dick world.

This is some relationship advice. I'm dating a 38-year-old woman. I'm 26. She's got two little ones, a 9-year-old son, a 3-year-old daughter. We've been on and off about two years, and things are going great. I love her to death, and I want to be with her forever. But we fight and argue sometimes about our age

because she feels insecure and feels like I should be with someone younger and my age, but I don't want that. I want to be with her. So I just need help on how I show her that

and how I can just let her know I love her and I want to be with her. Thanks, guys. Gang, gang. Buzz, buzz. Crotch, bulge. Out. CB, huh. Buzz, buzz. Crotch, bulge. Out.

CB, huh? Buzz, buzz to your dick game, bro. Dude, and I've been on a CB radio before, and that crotch bulge, that's the closest thing I've ever been to since then, man. Makes sense. Remember that ham radio? You'd be like, breaker, breaker, 44. And then somebody would come over to the house and try to molest you, some trucker. Oh, damn.

No, I don't remember that. Dude, we had a guy, me and this dude, Michael, and he was all slicked up in a jowls. His mouth was real damp, just like that waiter. Wet in a wet mouth? Yeah, he had that freaking, yeah. Sticky lips. Just living, just had a damn watering hole right in the middle of his face, you know? And some guy came off. We met him on the ham radio, CB, and he came over and, dude, we're sitting in his truck, bro, in this guy's truck.

And he was putting, I remember he was seeing how many Tootsie Rolls, minis, the minis, we could fit in our mouth, right? And Michael's, some guy was making love to Michael's mom who was, you know, she was a substitute teacher. But he came out and beat the guy's ass, dude. Yeah. Because the guy was going to take us to, like, the guy was telling us he was going to take us to Florida and stuff. This guy was going to probably murder us or whatever. Hell, yeah. That boyfriend's awesome.

Yeah. Although he's banging your friend's mom, whatever, substitute teacher, probably not a lot of money in the bank. But it sounds like he was a good dude. It sounds like you boys, he was going to start with Tootsie Rolls and then end up with his dick. It sounds like he saved you guys. Well, I'm grateful Michael could fit almost 14 minis in his mouth. How did you fit? I would probably

have stopped at about six or seven. I got nervous because of my airway. I bet so. But Michael was just he didn't care about his airways. He didn't care if he knew the Lord. He didn't care if he met the Lord that afternoon, I don't think. Yeah, dude. A lot of pressure. But thankfully it took so long because then that guy came out and beat that dude's ass, bro.

Shout out to that substitute teacher. What a hero, man. And Clint was that guy's name. Shout out to Clint the sub. Like Clint, but with like an N in it. Would the guy's question, oh, just age different? Yeah, he's younger than, he's 26. His girl's 38 with two kids.

Dude, it sounds like he has that that young energy he's trying to do all this shit he's trying to jump on youtube he's netflix and chill and and go to fucking six flags and do all this and listen to little nas x you're too much you got the young energy take her to a park read a book go to barnes and noble maybe some bingo what watch philadelphia and talk to her you know what i'm'm saying? No, I don't. Mix it up, man. Watch The Notebook and then discuss it over tea. What are you saying? Did you hear his statement?

Yes, she's too old. He loves the woman, but she believes that maybe he's too young for her and he should find somebody his own age. That's what I'm saying. So olden up, bro. No, you don't. Start hanging out in the sun so your face looks older. Oh, yeah, maybe dye your hair white. Yeah, dye your hair white, dude.

Complain. Get some dockers. Stand in the yard and go like this all the time. Stare out of the front of her yard and make sure no one's stepping on it. If they do, you fucking yell at them. Yeah. Get a lawn chair. Yeah.

Get some graham crackers. Drop a couple N-bombs during dessert, you know? You got to age up, bro. You got to give out coins during Halloween. Yeah. Or, dude, here's the thing. She might be trying to lead you away, dude. If she's saying you got to go find somebody younger,

that's what I'm thinking. That means she has that old, long dick game waiting for her. She has a longer silver fox waiting for her. And maybe, like, but this guy sounds kind of adult. It doesn't sound like he needs to be babysat. It sounds like he's ready to go. He's fired up. Yeah, I know.

Yeah, he seems super mature. He sends us a video from his nuts. Yeah, that's a good one. That's true, man. But I like him. What do you think, Derek? I think I'm agree That's true, man. But I like him. What do you think, Derek? I think, I'm agreeable with you, Theo. I think she's looking for a George Clooney, bro.

She don't, no offense, but she just, she's not into it, man. Yeah, it seems like she's not into it if she's telling him. Because who, why would you tell someone who's younger? To go bang young girls. Yeah. She's like, go bang young girls. Dude, she might be a freak, though. Those older girls are freaks.

Well, yeah, but that has nothing to do with this, Brendan. I'm just stating the facts he might be dating a freak what facts well she might want him to fuck younger chicks and tell her about it she doesn't want that

over a matinee movie you know what I'm saying no I don't know what you're saying have you ever hooked up with an old chick D oh yeah with her kids

oh yeah banging on the door her kids were banging on the door oh yeah they were like mom mom she was like

well y'all watch TV for five minutes. She didn't stop. Give me five minutes. Yeah. I was like, whoa. And then Dee over here just balls deep in their mom. I was like 17. Wow, that got dark.

How old were you? Like 17. How old was she? Like 29. Wow. That's not bad. Yeah, but that was at the time, that was like. Do you feel any remorse about it now or no?

No, I think the daughter was going to be fine. Because when she did open the door, she was like, mom, I just wanted some juice. She was so calm about it, like this happens all the time? No, I think the daughter was going to be fine because when she did open the door, she was like, Mom, I just wanted some juice. She was so calm about it like this happens all the time. Oh, I see. This daughter's going to be fine.

Where'd you meet this older lady at? My dad used to work there. He drops off chips and snacks for gas stations in the morning. Like Fritos? She was one of the gas station people. He told me that there was

this hot girl that worked at one. I was like, you know, my dad always talks about this gas station. So I pulled it in. She was in there. I hot girl that worked at one and so I was like, you know, my dad always talks about this gas station so I pulled it in and she was in there, started hollering at her and then they fucking,

I told her my dad drops the shit off. She was like, oh, I like that guy and that was it, man. Damn. I know. And she worked.

That's a porno. And now, do you still keep in touch with the kids or with the woman? No, no. It was after that night. We never spoke again.

Just the one time? It was the one time old lady hit her. Yeah. And how long ago was that? If we phoned the kids right now, what age do you think the kids would be? I was 17. So we're talking, I'm 29.

We're talking 12 years, man. And how old were the kids at that point? They were all like eight, nine. So we could call one of the kids and be like, hey, do you remember this man? One of those kids was listening like, oh. Like, motherfucker. I thought I knew his voice. I thought it was a young Morgan Freeman.

This whole time, we thought it was Morgan Freeman fucked our mom. Nope. Dude, a buddy of mine said that Sinbad hooked up with his mom when he was a kid

and left a pair of, left a pair of orange pants at his house. How crazy is that? That's a true story. That's a true story of an Aaron Gary Indiana. Fucking Sinbad, dude. Dropping loads, leaving orange pants, man.

Sin good, huh? Damn. Sin right. Yeah, brother. Let's get out of this. What else we got? What were we even doing? We were giving the dick camera dude advice on his older girl.

To me, it sounded like maybe she don't really want to be in it, bro. She's looking for a George Clooney, and you're a little Nas X. You're a Bobby Clowney, you know? Yeah, bro. But not in a bad way. You're just young, man. And look, that thing's on a ripen fast, brother. She's looking for a dad, bro.

Well, I mean, maybe the guy can provide. He looks like he could work at Wells Fargo or something, but it's probably an entry-level position. So I don't know, man. I would ask somebody who probably fucking knows besides me and Brendan. Yeah, me too. I'd ask someone a little more into the game. Because you're dealing with some heavy repercussions

here. What? Kids. 401K. Yeah. Yeah, what are you going to do, dude, when the kid starts doing menstruation or whatever and you got to have a chat with them and you don't know shit. Yeah. You don't know shit yeah you don't know shit dude you're still playing uh you know call of duty or whatever you're not gonna play fortnight when the kids run do the homework just those days goodbye bro you ain't ready you ain't ready she smells it what else all right up next a little advice

for mark banks from iowa mark the spark, baby. Blaze it up. Gang, gang, buzz, buzz. Buzz, buzz, gobble, gobble. Relationship advice. Gang, dude. I've been married for 25 years. Oh, you're fucked. It's been great.

Helped me get through anxiety. I'm still dealing with some shit. So I've been smoking some weed. And I got caught before doing that and she wasn't happy about it clearly in the shed I thought it'd help so I started again and I haven't told her yet

as she told me last time that I should tell her before I try to do anything like this and you agree to that so the question is should I tell her it seems to help with anxiety or should i just keep on keeping on oh ps brendan shab you're the coolest motherfucker

on this planet right now love you you, man. Whoa, obviously you and your dad haven't been in touch in a while. Dude, you gotta keep in better contact with your parents, man, because it says you. Hold on. I get that, dude? You get fucking tits McGee? Brother's marked

the spark, bro. Dude, I love that dude. That dude's blazing high. That dude's blazing high. That dude's blazing blazing. Bro, he's so high he's hitting on you from his shed behind his house while his wife is asleep. He's in a hot shed. He's in a hot shed right there. Dude, I love your shout out to this dude.

Let's play the very end again where he talks where he gives a shout out to Brendan. I just want to see what he says. I'm not going bad on him. Oh, P.S. Brendan Schaub. You're the coolest motherfucker on this planet right now. Love you, man. Pretty cool, man. What a nice guy.

It is a nice guy, man. Smoking the weed, here's the thing if it helps you, especially in 2019. Right. I do. Correct. Barely got that one. Who gets mad? Who gets mad that someone's smoking weed?

Especially with anxiety. If your girl's not down with it, man, then she's got that one. Who gets mad? Who gets mad that someone's smoking weed? Especially with anxiety. If your girl's not down with it, man, then she's not the one. Now, I don't know if you're getting high and eating all the food. She's not the one. This is his wife. For 25 years. Why? He finally made a mistake.

And now he's finding out 25 years later, bro. You can still make mistakes. I would definitely tell her. I would 100% tell her. And if she's not cool with it, she ain't the one after 25 years, bro. Oh my god, bro. This guy thought you were cool too.

That's insane, man. I would never tell that. I'm not saying you're going to divorce. What are you saying then? What do you think? They're just going to live down the street from each other while he smokes weed? Yeah, some of it. If it makes you better. Who's going to divorce. What are you saying then? What do you think? They're just going to live down the street from each other while he smokes weed? Yeah, some of it. Who's going to hate on someone if it makes you a better person? Well, that's a good point.

But I think he's told the wife that he would let her know if he was going to smoke it, and he didn't. So for some reason, he likes keeping it a secret. I think it's like the one thing he can do that his wife doesn't know about, so he must find some joy in that. He's kind of sneaky. Yeah, he likes to have something of his own, which I think is okay. You're not hurting anybody. Right, you're not hurting anybody. You're not cheating on her.

You're not jacking off the porno in this shed and getting high. Right. I'd keep getting high, man. That's what I would do. And if she says, you know, if she catches you, then fess up to it and say, look, you know, and then just tell her the truth, whatever the reason is, why you wanted to keep getting high. I wanted to keep getting high because I like doing something that you don't know about.

You know, I like getting high. It makes my anxiety better. Dude, I'll tell you about this. If you're getting high and you got a wife, a little bit of weed will make your wife feel like a brand new woman, you know, take the sex to a different place. Yeah. She's complaining about weed to get her high and then eat her ass like groceries. You know what I'm saying?

25 years, mix it up, bro. Give it up. Give it up. Give what up, dude? Life advice. Don't fucking touch me. Don't touch me with your advice. Oh my god. Let's go to Cat and get a woman's perspective. I can't even live right here. 25 years, bro. Keep smoking that

hitter. What? I mean. You just gave the guy nine different pieces of advice, man. I'm hoping something sticks. I throw a lot of things, and I hope he connects to one. He's like, you know what? I'm going to get her high and eat her ass. I'm hoping that one sticks.

Now, yeah, you blow a little weed smoke in the bedroom or something. Blow in that booty hole. Right, but you could take her on that tour, but you need to be a liaison there with her. You need to like, you know, don't get her high and leave her in the other room for a half hour, you know, and sneak around the house and ring a bell, dude. No, don't scare her. Don't get her high and play fucking The Conjuring, you know what I'm saying? I'll tell you this.

After Kat's suggestion. Kat, what do you think? Well, why doesn't she like him smoking weed if it helps with anxiety? Has she never smoked before? I mean, maybe she should get in on the smoking. That's what I'm saying, Kat. See? Or it could just be something that he does away from her if it

helps him. Or it's your naughty little secret. Yeah. I mean, who's he hurting? It's fine. Dude, we had this kid named Caleb, right? And so we got so high one time. One of us, he was about to leave. So somebody snuck out and took his steering wheel off his car, right?

So then, dude, he goes out to his car, bro. And he was out there for like seven minutes. And he comes back inside. And he's like, ah. And you can tell he's kind of nervous to tell us you know he's like man i can't find my steering wheel right and everybody's like oh you are fucking high bro you're an idiot you know you're a psychopath you know because people just throw that in you know and and dude so we laughed for like 10 minutes. Even he was laughing at the fact I can't find my steering wheel, right? So in the meantime, the guy went back out

and put his steering wheel back into his car, right? So then we all go out there as a group and the steering wheel was back on, bro. And he fucking lost. He thought it was so high. Bro lost his mind. He checked himself into a mental health center and is still there.

Still in the mental health center. Been 28 years, 29 years. So is that nature or nurture, you know? Seemed to work out for him. Well, it's I don't know. It's kind of a bigger discussion. But what I'm saying, dude, is look, get high, bro. You in the shed.

You getting high. I think you secretly want to get busted by your lady. I think it adds a little bit of spark, a little bit of spice to your life. Dude, I say get high. Get your lady in there. Get blunted together and send us another video and tell us what's going on. That's what I want to see. Send that Blair Witch sex tape in the shed.

Or just send a nice video introducing us to your lady. That'll work. Shout out to this dude. Yeah, mark the spark, baby. Blaze up, dude. I want to see you get heated And play Fluffy Bunny too Where you fill your mouth

With the marshmallows bro Puff puff give to yourself Alright boys A little rip my drip Up next Up first we got Alex From Fresno This is Alex

Damn Is that cheetah print Or tiger print Big difference Also the Croatian flag on her phone there. That's a country. She apparently is not a stripper, even though there is a stripper pole in the background. Oh, she a freak, confirmed.

And she starts teaching first grade this year. Damn. We ain't never had a teacher look like this. I want to go to preschool in this girl's butt. Sorry, that was too much. And I'm sorry that I said that. You seem like a nice lady. What's her name again?

Alex. Alex. Well, Alex is going to have to cover up them tattoos, get rid of the tiger print, and take out the nose piercing if she's teaching anybody's kid. Whatever she could teach the kid how to keep a spare key on your nostril right there. Zoom in on her, D. Cute lady. Alex.

A-L-L-I-X. Oh, wow. That would trick Brendan. And what else do we know about her? She's from where? Montana? Well, Brendan spotted she might be from Croatia. She might be Croatian.

She lives in Fresno. That's just a checkered phone case.'s not the croatian flag dude and uh she's not a stripper even though this says differently right here oh that's her fan won't hang from the ceiling correctly so she has it balanced on that light bro yeah right here that's the ceiling fan and this is the pole right behind it but it looks like the fan is gonna to fall. It looks like they're connected. If she doesn't have the pole there. So sometimes fans don't want to be up in the air. Also, she might be a little stripper at night, though.

You know what I'm saying? Maybe she's that first grade superhero where she's teaching the kids during the day and helping the men at night. Ain't nothing wrong with that. Like Robin Hood. Dude, another bone for homework, huh? That's what I'd be getting. And what else does she say? She likes to do what?

Do soccer? No. I didn't say. She has a little bit of a hot topic, sexy vibe going on, doesn't she? With the tats, the print, the brows. Check out the brows on Becky. Oh, yeah. Browsers open, dude. Google Rome, bro.

You feel me? Feel you, dog. I'm not mad at her. Good luck with the kiddos, man. Hopefully my son has a teacher that looks like this. Oh, yeah. Every teacher I've seen are fucking warlocks, man. I had a teacher, Miss Deacon, in seventh and eighth grade.

Six-four. Redhead. Wow. Still haunts me to this day. Dude, we had this lady, Miss Smith, and her husband was always dying every day. Oh, God, it's annoying. Smitty's dying. Smitty's dying.

And we'd all be sitting there like like we don't know how to spell please help us please help us please go over our rivers with us Smitty's dying and for the record I think Miss Deacon was actually Carl Mecklenburg in a wig that's a shout out to an old school football player

and what did that lady want from us? just a's a shout out to an old school football player. And what did that lady want from us? Just a ripper, sexy drip. Shout out to her. We didn't even talk about our clothes. I like the skirt, I guess. And yeah, I like the tattoo coming out of the white shirt. It kind of makes it a little bit more noticeable. I like her lips. I like her brows.

I like her nose piercing. Definitely have to take that out in front of the kids, especially teacher conference night. Oh, dude, I would balance my wiener on this lady's back, dude. She seems like a nice lady. And did it say how old she is or no? No, she didn't say. Oh, good.

Well. Shout out to her. See you later, miss. Up next, we got Darwin Nash from Apache Junction, Arizona. Interesting name. Oh, wow. Oh, shit. D. Nash, huh?

ZZ Top laying low, huh? Looks like the Zac Brown band took some time away and lost some weight. Yeah. He's a, that's a red beard. Like Zac Brown rice, bro. Like this dude's been on a diet. Yeah, this guy could definitely be keeping secrets, I think. He looks like the guy who actually keeps all the secrets.

Like he has a truck and has a lockbox in the back, and that's where all the secrets are. Yeah, he looks like his name's Zed and owns a pawn shop of some sort. Like he has a bunch of trinkets, you know what I'm saying? He might have a Rolex and a VCR in the back. And look at that little dillo in the back. Is that a dillo on the ground or is that a puppy? Oh, is that a dillo? I love a nice warm dillo, man.

Oh, that's a puppy. It's tough to tell with that coat on. Could be a shaved armadillo. Yeah. When's the last time you saw an armadillo? There was a Mexican restaurant called Armadillos in Denver. Yeah. It's not there anymore.

Oh, man. Well, do you know armadillos can jump about probably 8 or 9 feet straight up in the air? No way They're basically tanks of the forest Yeah, jumping tanks They can jump, huh? Oh yeah

Dude, now that I think of it, that guy's toupee looks like an armadillo Dude, they're like the Vince Carter of the animal kingdom, bro Really? I didn't know that about armadillos. Can they really jump? Or are you thinking of a possum? Armadillos can jump, bro. Possums can fucking jump, too. Let's see them jump, bro.

I want to see an armadillo and a possum in a dunk contest. Yeah. I'd love it. Dude, look. Here's what I'm saying is, can we see them jump or not? Armadillo does a backflip. These bitches can leap, boy. Watch that hit.

Are there armadillos in New Orleans, Theo? Yeah, dude, there's everywhere. I want to pet Armadillo. Whoa! Damn, that's that Sonic the Hedgehog there. But think about how high that thing jumped. His legs are this big, dude, an inch and a half long. 80-inch vert.

Boink! See ya. Dude, I did not know that. Look how fast they are too. That's pretty cool. I thought they were slow. Every time you play it, Brendan thinks he hasn't seen it yet. That's what's insane. He's pretty cool.

Why does he slap him so hard though? It was kind of aggressive It's not a strip club Ah man There's nobody's ass there You're not making it rain Armadillo scared as fuck in the field there Obviously this guy doing a lot of work with Armadillos outdoors

He does a lot of you know And there's another dog right there in the front that has a sweater on it This guy likes putting sweaters on animals which at a certain point weird vibe creeping me out bro creeping me out yeah looks like summer put a tank top on one of those mfers dude yeah it's a little weird now you know they say that deal it's a little weird with the the sweaters on the dogs and he's obviously holding a energy drink of some sort yeah this guy's all hopped up on bang energy and putting sweaters on little poodles, bro. You got to shut it down.

Yeah, ZZ Not. Let's move on. Thanks, Zed. All right, boys. We'll wrap it up with some King It or Sting It. We'll get out of here. Up first, we got Keyshawn from Arizona. He's 19.

This is Keyshawn. Keyshawn, do you love me? Hey, what's up, Theo? What's up, Brandon? Gang, gang, buzz, buzz. Gang, bro. So I saw this YouTuber pretty famous for dip reviews, and he's a big fan of Chris D'Elia. He's a big baby.

But you know I like that cheese and honey more than that baby mush. But I wanted to know if he was okay with someone in his cold dipping tobacco. So I want to know your take on it. Dipping tobacco. King of the stinging. Gang, gang, buzz, buzz. Get that hitter, Papa. Buzz, buzz, drip, drip.

Listen, the only thing I'm dipping is honey. You know what I'm saying? I ain't trying to dip no tobacco. Excuse me, did you sign a multimillion-dollar contract with the Angels? Unless you're a Major League Baseball player, you shouldn't be dipping, bro. But, dude, how do you get to the major leagues if you ain't dipping? Good question, dude. All the big wigs dip, dude.

Manny Fernandez. Pape. Yeah. Julio Ravaderchi, bro. All your famous baseball players. Pedro Martinez. Pedro Martinez, dude. Nolan Ryan.

Yeah. Babe Ruth. Yeah. Look, here's the thing. I used to work on a farm. I used to chew that plug tobacco. I put a hit of that in my lip, dude. Nolan Ryan. Yeah. Babe Ruth. Yeah. Look, here's the thing. I used to work on a farm. I used to chew that plug tobacco. I put a hit of that in my lip, dude, and I could shit for about 40 minutes. There's something about it going straight

into your system, dude. There's just something about it. That straight nicotine hitter into the lip? Yeah. It's a little different than smoking, but here's the thing. If you hopped up on them all day, man, that's just an addiction. You just got to be careful. Is it healthier than smoking? I here's the thing. If you hopped up on them all day, man, that's just an addiction. So you just got to be careful. Is it healthier than smoking? I like it better, man.

I don't think I've ever seen you dip. I used to do it. I like the plug, though. The plug is a little bit sweeter. It's almost like a dessert. What's a plug? It's just like a chunk of tobacco, and it's kind of still wet. Oh, yeah.

It's like juicy. Yeah, it's kind of wet and juicy, and you just bite a piece off, and then just put it in your lip see i don't like tobacco uh i mean it's hot though boy i think it's yeah i think it's got a lot of nicotine dip because it has like doesn't have something that cuts into the lip that shit would burn man yeah some of their mint flavor cocoa leaves you know what i'm saying bro you could go cocoa yeah in brazil they chew on this thing. It's like a plant. Everybody's just walking around chewing on it.

What's that kratom, bro? And it's got something wild in it. What's that kratom? It's just like a boot leg kind of dip. You ever dip? Everyone on my team did, though, in high school. Kat, you dip ever? I could see you dipping. What do you think about women that dip, Kat? I actually haven't seen anybody dip before. That's

not really big where I'm from. That's not big where anyone's from. Yeah, does anyone still dip? Girls don't, though, do they? Girls dip? Everyone. Memphis, Tennessee, they dipping, bro. Dang.

They dipping out there. Yeah, they dipping, motherfucker. The mutants out in Memphis dipping. That's how we're in the dip belt, boy. Man, that drip dip belt. You see a lot of guys with that, you know, you spit into a jar before they ask you a question. That's old school, man.

So he's saying just dipping in general? Yeah. Again, if you're a major league baseball player making millions, dip that shit. If you're not, I don't think your financial status should determine whether or not you feel comfortable chewing, doing, dipping, chewing tobacco. Damn, you got that? Okay. Browser. All right.

What I'm saying is this. He does have some brows on him, though. I'm talking about you, dude. I don't have browsers. Yeah. Your name, Browser Shaw, brother. What I'm saying is this, brother. If you want to dip, dip your fucking face you, dude. I love browsers. Yeah. Your name, Browser Shaw, brother. What I'm saying is this, brother. If you want to dip, dip your fucking face off, bro.

But be original about it. Put a little plug up under one of your eyeballs. Get that fucking golden hitter right up there by your fucking sight socket, son. You know what I'm saying? Go deep, bro. Put it in your ear, bro. Yeah, do a quarter gram and pack one of your nostrils full, bro. You know what I'm saying?

Change your game. Hide fucking four cocoa leaves and a couple of eucalyptus up in your ass, bro. That's what I'm saying. Do something unique. You're trying to get to the moon, put that dip in your anus. Yeah, put two ounces under your arm, bro, and just wait until you get fucking all heated up. It's called the NASA. Yeah, dude.

The NASA high, bro. Do something naughty because there's other ways to get things into your body, man. So don't just take the easy route by taking it through the lip or taking it through the lungs bro inject it between your toes oh no man but do something unique you know put a little bit right here and just hold your chin down for a long time if you get high till it gets your hair with it see what happens yeah wash your hair with that spit cup. Spill all that nicotine. Put it into your hair, man. See what color you get. Use it as moisturizer.

Be brave, man, but dip your fucking balls off until they have to cut one of your nuts out, dude, because you have cancer. No, you're going to dip enough where you're not going to have teeth. Good luck, my man. Yeah, stop when you lose a tooth. That's good advice. I'm going to sting you, though. Thanks, man. Next, we got Casey Gresseth from Wichita, Kansas.

Oh, Barry Sanders country. Oh, yeah. What's up, guys? This is Casey from Wichita, Kansas. Is he in a hail storm? I got a King of the Sting it for you. So my wife and several of her friends are professional cosplayers. They make costumes.

They go to Comic-Cons. They run Patreons. Basically make a living doing that kind of stuff. So, King of the Stingit, cosplay. Guys will love your show. Brendan, you look like the oldest valet at Macaroni Grill and you probably got a pocket full of other people's change.

You know, you look like something I'd pay to have snaked out of my shower drain. That guy was good, man. Dude, snake out of my shower drain. The oldest valet at Macro Bean Grill. That's pretty accurate, man. That was good, dude. That was pretty good, man.

Cosplay. Listen, anyone who played cosplay, it's enough. It's Bill Cosby. Isn't it people that dress up like Bill Cosby? Look, here's the thing. That whole LARPing and cosplay, man. That's what we used to call virgins when I was in high school.

It ain't good, man. But a lot of them are freaks. If they're older and they're in those costumes, then you're talking about furries, bro. You fucked with furries? You know what furries are? No, dude. What?

Think of Rocky the mascot for the Nuggets, but a... Rocky from that movie Mask, you mean? Sure, that'd be a costume. Can we bring him up? That'd be a costume of some sort. Cat was shaking her head about the cosplayers. Yeah, Cat knows more about it, actually. Cat looks like a cosplayer.

I agree. Cosplayers are different. He brought up Patreon, so I'm thinking they're cosplayers who basically dress in really skimpy clothes. It's all the sexy superhero clothes from comic books. Yeah. Nothing but tits and ass. Wow. So it's kind of...

Well, sign me up. A cartoon meets sex, kind of. Yes, exactly. There's that anime. I think you can cosplay anime as well. What's the difference between cosplay and LARP? LARP, I think you get dressed up and then you pretend to fight people. You got to have a sword to LARP.

And COS, you get dressed up, but your sword's your cock. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Oh, Comic-Con? That's cosplay. I thought it was Bill Cosby. People dress up like Bill Cosby and meet him up in Indiana.

Me too, and then tricking each other. Yeah. Because I'm saying, I'd dress up like cockroach and show up and meet some ladies, you know? Yeah, no. A lot of pill-head ladies showing up out there, too. So what was his question, though? Just cosplay in general? Guy, this is tough, man.

I mean, if your girl's out of shape shows up as Wonder Woman it bums me out you know what I'm saying if your girl shows up as Wonder Wormen then yeah dude Wonder Wormen? if she shows up if Vera shows up as Thor

I'm going to shit my pants you know what I'm saying it's just not for me I fucks with it if you want to do it do it what are'm saying? It's just not for me. I fucks with it. If you want to do it, do it. It's just not for me. What are you saying, Brendan? It's not for me, man. But I'm cool.

If you're into it, I get it, dude. Right. If you want to dress up like Ren and Stimpy and fuck each other, do it. Well, they're not necessarily fucking. This man has a wife, and they have her friends, and they're working. Yeah, bro. You think they dress up as fucking the cookie monster for the hell of it? Fuck no.

They swim in those outfits. They go to these fucking sheds and do each other, dude. That's cosplay, bro. I don't think that's it. I'm telling you, not just going to dress up and pretend they're Wolverine and Professor X. I don't think that's it at all. I think sometimes they're showing a little bit of artwork

and different makeup stylings. I think there's a lot more to it than you think there is. I don't think either of us know what the fuck we're talking about. What? I think you showed up in a costume of Nola Ryan today. Look at you, bro. Rangers, baby. Tejas, boy.

Tejas, all right. Tejas, eh? Pa-pa. King it. Dress up and get weird. I like cosplay, dude. I think it's a risky move sometimes, but I assume Theo's in an outfit every

day. But I'd like to see more like wrestling, WWF type of cosplay too, you know. I'd like to see it go, you know. And I'd like to see some Bill Cosby. I'd like to see people do sweaters and get out there and, you know, but no do drugs

or any sex crimes, but maybe just kind of, you know, but no do drugs or any sex crimes, but maybe just kind of, you know, you see a woman who's sleeping or something, just put a sheet over her, just a blanket. Make sure she's comfortable. And give her Jell-O. Yeah, recreate the narrative. Just make sure she's okay. Yeah.

I'm with you. All right, boys. Last one. This is Aaron Taylor from Chicago. What it is, fellas? It's Aaron Taylor coming at you from Chicago, Illinois. Chi-town. Gang, gang, buzz, buzz.

Gang, bro. We've got a king of a stinger for you. It's starting to be summer around here. People are stepping out. They got their hats, their new shirts, their kicks, et cetera. But everything's store-bought. It's branded. They got Nike socks with their Nike shoes, their Nike shirts.

They got a champion sweater. What have you. A lot of brands. My keenest thing to you today is hand-painted apparel. Much like this shirt right here. This Pisces Bros Pie food truck. Damn. You got the Sting over here serving up them creatine-covered donuts.

You got the King driving the damn thing. All in all, it's a nice little piece. Hand painted by myself. So I ask you, store-bought, when branded, like Reebok, Champion, Star, etc. Nestle. Hand painted.

Side note, I'm working on something on the back. I'm going to throw a menu on there and then I'd love to send it to you guys. Theo, I'm a big fan. I've been rocking with a menu on there that I'd love to send it to you guys. Theo, I'm a big fan. I've been rocking with you since way back when you did the

Yahoo News updates on Yahoo.com. Struggling. Brendan, you've been to my bar a couple times down here. I work at Stahlia Hall. You've done a few shows

and then your homie, the big gay Al Brian Cowan himself, he just filmed a special there. Wow. Both of you should come back in.

We can get a drink shoot the shit gang gang buzz buzz catch us later cheers bro talia hall he said huh talia hall great spot in chicago bro big theater out there i've never been there that's a nice looking shirt too and look at that truck that's a great shirt man i love a square truck like that yeah me too they can hide it's an apartment it's whatever you want yeah it's like a food truck like that. Yeah, me too. You can hide. It's an apartment. It's whatever you want. Yeah, it's like a food truck. It's the King of the Sting food truck there. Yeah. It's not a bad investment.

This boy can paint. I like it. I like the original artwork. I like everything about this. It's always better to be original. You don't want to go out and everyone's wearing the same goddamn thing. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I remember when I was young, we had a store called Structure that they built.

I remember that store. And it was the only store that was really close enough. And so we'd all go to school at the beginning of the year, and there would be like six shirts, and everybody had them on. Everybody had on one of the six. And it was just weird. It felt like you were on these weird teams kind of all of a sudden. Yeah, I mean, if you're all wearing the same thing, it's the handsmaid tale, isn't it? So you've got to mix it up.

I like how this guy's doing his thing. Hopefully you sell him shit. Yeah, look, I love some novelty. I love the, yeah, novelty's big stuff. I mean, when I was young, I remember, you know, I used to cut my own hair. I was probably about maybe 33. Yes.

And, or do different stuff. You know, you got a wooden leg. You know, a guy I remember in Tucson had built an ashtray into the side of it. And he would put a cross one up on his leg like that, cross it over, and he'd have a little ashtray built right into the side. Smart.

You know, so do something special. Hide a little bird seed in your beard, you know? And everybody thinks you're magic, but really you got a treat in there. Yeah, he's just trying to make sure. And that's why the birds are coming by. Yeah, but I'm saying originality. No, I'm with you. This is original shit. Are you with me? I'm with you, dude's just trying to make shirts. And that's why the birds are coming by. Yeah, but I'm saying originality. I'm with you. This is original shit. Are you with me? I'm with you, dude.

Shout out to this dude. God, we gotta charge this, dude. Two months now, nobody's charged it. Who is we? It's us. Are we doing it or not? We're someone. You're right. Is that it, D? That's it, boys. Oh, God. Thank God. This dude's That's it, boys. God, thank God.

This dude's talking about cigarette charges in guys' legs and shit. I don't know, man. I said the guy had a ashtray bullet in his leg. He's called a pirate, bro. Yeah, well, he's also called a pioneer. Okay? Talking about novelty. Do something special.

Hang a birdhouse off the back of your neck. Do something unique put a basketball hoop on your head yeah that's what I'm saying let kids play fucking you know it's a traveling ball game

they gotta find they gotta find you and they gotta dunk it's always an away game you know what I'm saying it's always an away game it's always a road game there you go bruh

don't touch me dude don't touch me oh god let's see this comes out boom boom boom I'm in Indianapolis this week. Indy. Ba-ba-baby.

Indy. And then I'm in Nashville and Portland. Get your tickets. TFATK.com. Theo, where are you going to be, bro? Gang, gang. July 13th, I'll be at the Hollywood Improv in Los Angeles. And Derek might do it, Seth,

maybe if he's in town. I don't even think about it. I'm there. Okay. Well, so now we got Derek in. And if you're in town. What day is that? It's a Saturday night.

But no pressure. You're welcome to if you want to. If I'm in town, I'm there. I think I'm on the road, though. But yeah, that's it. And the tickets are available at theovon.com slash tour. That's it, bro. That's it, man. Don't touch me, though. But yeah, that's it. And the tickets are available at theovon.com slash tour. That's it, bro.

That's it, man. Don't touch me, man, but keep touching me. But keep touching me. Kat, thank you so much. Derek. Love you guys. Love you too, man. Thank you for being here with us.

And what else? Did we cover everything today, Brendan? We covered it, dude. Thanks for being humans, everybody. Yeah, thanks for being humans. Thanks for being humans.