The Golden Hour - Episode 31: Quack Cocaine

Episode Date: August 8, 2019

The boys talk Theo's trip to Disneyland and epic Asian bird shirt, Thiccy Mouse Brendan, Hot Dog Aunts, Snow Dog Drug Mules, Marbled Women, Rib Eye Bitches, Dynamite Donkeys, all new Roast My Hosts, Chide My Ride's first Car/Houseboat, Stranger Danger Rims, advice for a Tinder Marriage and much more!WIX - Join our Wix website competition by creating a free website at https://wix.com/go/KATS Email submissions to [e-mail] 20% off a yearly premium plan with code "KATS20"MVMT - http://mvmt.com/katsShipStation - promo code: KATSIndochino - promo code: KATSPolicy GeniusSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

back off my broccolini get your life together it is don't touch me bro i'm not touching you dude wow cat looks good today you look nice you always look nice you always look nice also derrick comes in looking different than Cat. Still sexy, but not as, yeah. Just a little Kenny Lofton vibe going on. Yeah, dude. Well, come on, bro. Kenny Lofton, that's a guy. You always have to compare him to a darker skinned person.

He could be a white guy, dude. He could be. I met his dad this weekend. Did you really? He's whiter than you. Oh, yeah. You guys just went back east, huh? Yes, sir.

Wow. His dad's really white, huh? His dad looks exactly like him, but white. No way. They look identical, but white. That's what I'm talking about. I was confused. I was a little drunk.

I'm like, what is happening right now? Oh, damn, bro. Derek got a hold of that Sammy Sosa lotion. What is... Yeah. Dude, why doesn't Sammy Sosa come out with a lotion? Dude, talk about marketing genius, bro. Come out with a lotion, dude.

Don't touch me, but keep touching me with that lotion. Oh, yeah. Yeah, why doesn't he market lotion? I don't know. That's a good one. Black to white, man. Dude, a lotion, a steroid, bro. Dude, that was the best time when all the players were on steroids.

Oh, you're talking about the golden age. Now these guys are all afraid to shoot up. Oh, my God. What a bunch of wimps, man. No one's hitting home runs anymore. Everyone's hitting base hits. Bunch of bitches. One guy bunted real hard the other day. Might as well watch softball. It's getting interesting. Dude, I went to Disneyland, man.

Dude, I saw you in Disneyland with the fam. How was it, man? Happiest place on earth? I mean, it's something, bro. It's not, is it? That's a lie. As a father of a three-year-old, that's a lie. Have you taken your kid there?

Yeah, we have season pass, bro. All right, dude. Come on, dude. First of all, what spoiled kid gets a season pass to Disneyland? I know, right? That kid's going to be doing drugs in six years. 100%. I'm aware of this.

That guy will be Donald ducking up his arteries with some fucking smack with a couple of fucking street grams, bro. I feel you, dude. Dude, there has to be

a correlation between children that have season passes to Disney and end up doing smack by the age of 12. Smack under a bridge? 100%. But it depends who's your kid's favorite character. If they gravitate towards Mickey's dumb ass, then they're probably into coca-hena. You know what I'm saying? If they like Donald, they like Donald different animal. Donald's geeked up on

that quack, I feel like. Quack attack. He's on that fucking quack cocaine, boy. Donald can't handle it, dude. Is that from, what is that, from the cruise? Or that's the bird house, yeah? Well, I wore this. This is also traditional Asian garb, so I wore this for cat and chimp. Oh, I don't know if that's traditional. Look at the bird, you idiot.

Yeah, that's not an Asian bird. Dude, it's a dress, look. What's that called? Is that the Paradise House? Where all the mechanical birds are like... I don't go in there. I don't go in there. Dude, that's where that's from, bro.

No, I got this from the shop, man. Yeah, I know. Right outside the Paradise Bird Cave. Beautiful, though. What was your favorite ride? Traditional oriental colors, man. Yeah, I know. Right outside the Paradise Bird Cave. Beautiful, though. What was your favorite ride? With these traditional oriental colors, bro. Did you wait in the lines like a civilian, or did you have that VIP? I got the pass, man.

Yeah, you got it, bro. It was expensive, and it was an investment, but I got the pass. Totally worth it, though, huh? Had to get it. Couldn't. Yeah, the kids start fist fighting, choking each other. You'll have a family that starts the line with four kids ends the line with two kids, bro. Bro, first of all,

happy place on earth is the biggest scam of all time. Every parent's miserable. Also, does everyone at Disneyland have to be obese? Why is everyone

so fat on scooters? Oh, you know, there is a lot of, yeah. A lot of scootering going on. I saw a couple thick ricks and a couple of fucking stout rondas out there racing each other. Dude, in those fucking zzzz.

Dude, one guy got stuck on kind of an incline, and he just literally was just like, he wasn't moving. He had full blast. He thought he was on Splash Mountain. He was sweating. Yeah, he was sweating so hard. He thought it was Splash Mountain. Dude, that's crazy. Clogged artery. He thought he was on Clogged Artery Mountain. Did, that's crazy. Clogged artery.

He thought he was on Clogged Artery Mountain. Did you guys go on the cars ride? No. Oh, you didn't? Oh, damn. I didn't go to California Adventure. I just went to Disneyland. But we had a good time, man.

It was a lot of fun. My thing is, they have a gift shop at every turn. That's how they get the parents, bro. You're in the toilet. Dude, I walked into the bathroom. When I walked out, they moved a gift shop in front of the door

and they were selling all this toilet stuff. You can't tell what's the bathroom. I took a shit in Haunted House last time I was there. Big brown, boy. The big brown. You have no idea

what's out there, bro. My hands get all sticky. And they just got bullshit food there, too, bro. Why are your hands sticky after a shit? Because I'm eating funnel cakes. It gets weird, dude.

I go down at Disneyland, bro. I'm there every week. Yeah. I'm exhausted. I might as well wear a fucking Mickey hat at this point, man.

Give me the costume for fuck's sake. The place is great, though, yeah? One question at a time, first of all. There's no way you're going to fit into a is great, though, yeah? One question at a time, first of all. There's no way you're going to fit into a Mickey costume, dude, okay? You'll be more like Thicky Mouse, bro.

Okay? And there goes our meme for the week right there. Yeah. You will be way more. Don't fucking touch me. We keep touching you. Thicky Mouse. And don't be somebody that is eating and doing duty at the same time bro it's the haunted mansion bro i don't care you do you go on pirates of caribbean or johnny depp you don't let both

your holes work at the same time bro it's in or out johnny depp's there bro it's in or out is he really cribbing yeah he doesn't have a gig now so he just sits there and pretends it's pretty dope dude that's crazy man start taking pictures Because they thought You were fucking Tinkerbell I didn't think I was that funny actually No dude All I'm saying is I got this traditional garb

That I wore back here And that's from the worst Fucking ride In the goddamn amusement park They're getting rid of that They're gonna bulldoze that Bullshit Paradise

Fucking bird talk. You sit in there and it's mechanical birds, dude. No, they got to step up the game, man. That's right by the safari. You've been eating fucking hate cakes, bro? Hate cakes? You've been eating a batch of fucking anger sammies, bro? You got to back off the anger sandwiches, man.

That place is dope, though. Damn. Is it or isn't, man? You're shitting in the rides? No, hold on. I'm shitting on the haunted house, not a ride to the, though. Damn. Is it or isn't, man? You're shitting in the rides? No, hold on. I'm shitting on the haunted house, not a ride to the haunted house. Okay. Know your shit.

Good point. I'm trying to think of what else seemed like. I remember going there on LSD when I was in high school. Yeah. And it was definitely, oh, that was Disney World, actually, but it was fun. Disney World was some bullshit. I also made love to my girlfriend on the Greyhound bus, taking a beat out of your

book, Kat. Speaking of taking a beat from behind, you were doing with your girlfriend on the Greyhound bus to Disney World? To Disney World, yeah. That Epcot center, get your fucking juices flowing, bro. Bro, my Epcot center was Epcot-ed, bro.

Dude, is there a worse fucking theme park than Epcot? They have like the taste of Germany and England and shit. Oh, my God. Really? Oh, dude. It's the worst. Bro, the taste of England, dude, it fucks your teeth up. I know that.

If you taste enough of it. Fish and chips and your yellow teeth. Yeah, and the fish have bones in them, dude. They're eating the bones over there. Yeah, I've cocked some bullshit. That's why I'm like, what's happening? More like, I've cocked. Yeah.

I'm a little salty today, aren't I? Yeah, bro. Where you been hanging out, dude, in the salt mines? You just come from Salt Lake City, bro? Wow, man. What happened over the weekend? Derek's dad pissed you off? Oh, I'm on a new diet.

Are you? New diet, and I haven't had sugar or carbs in 13 days now. Really? Oh, yeah, that'll get you. Dude, try doing this. Try changing your antidepressants. Changing your antidepressants, all right? Going on keto and just smoking cigarettes at night.

That's what you were doing. Oh, yeah. That's what I was doing for two years. And you will fucking kill yourself. You will fucking start talking in your hand in the bathtub. You will, bro. Dude, why did you do all three of those at the same time? Dude, I don't know, man.

I tried to kill myself like six times, dude. They just don't make rope like they used to, bro. These new kids with the fucking new rope. You know, it's all breakaway ropes. You can't hang yourself. They got all these cool colors, the neon colors. Where's the old brown rope, bro? Yeah, give me that big brown around my neck, baby.

You feel me? Let's get into it, man. Let's fucking do it, man. Good to see you, brother. Good to see you too, dude. Time to pay the bills. Gang. Support the podcast.

You know what? I think we're going to start with a little roast my host this week. Oh, no. Let's see what the fans have been saying, man. Wow. Let's see what they've been saying because we've been ripping them. I still can't believe we ripped that one bald-headed mechanic guy that looked like he was working fixing Satan's truck.

Remember that guy? I'm still worried about that, dude. Yeah, I'm still. Bro, that guy will throw a wrench in the World Trade Center, bro. That guy. Dude, he'll throw a wrench on a haunted mansion. It looks like he works in the basement, dude. Yeah, dude. This first one, oh, my God.

Brennan looks like he draws his beard on every day but never has enough time to finish. Oh, that is so true, dude. But never has enough time to finish. Oh, that is so true. It looks like that character on that thing where you move the metal over to the face. That's from Dangling. There he is, bro. Dangling Wing. Oh, my God.

Chin just came in, first of all, like somebody who purposely crashed the computers just so he could come in and say it. And then fix him. Like, never mind. Here it is. Click. You're welcome. Yeah. So he could save the day, dude.

He's kind of like, he's just turning. It seemed like somebody that's playing in the trouble just so they can be in the trouble. You know, a lot of killers, they'll kill somebody. Then they'll come by and be like, hey, what happened? Let's go on a search. Let's go on a search and figure it out. Yeah, let's go on a search. I saw a guy a search and figure it out. Yeah, let's go on a search. I saw a guy over here.

That's what Chin's doing right now, dude. We've seen it a thousand times. Yeah, we've seen it. He's not fooling anybody, Chin. Dude, I'm starting to get worried, though. Why is he doing that? I don't know. You think because Derek and Kat are in here and he's not?

Ooh, that might be what's going on. I don't want him to turn into that Selena type of that lady that killed Selena. You talking about the manager? Margalit or whatever that lady's name was. I don't want him to turn into that Selena type of that lady that killed Selena. You talking about the manager? Margalit or whatever that lady's name was. Yeah, she got all jealous. Little Ricky or whatever that lady's name was. Her name's Little Tamale, fat bitch. Which isn't what it is.

She killed Selena, bro. Yeah. Who is it there? Are you looking up for it? Dude, I'm staying with Chen in a hotel in Portland. I'm fucking nervous. I could just see. I've just been noticing about him.

He seemed a little bit more. He's selling his own merch. That's not weird, really. Is it? That's exactly what Selena's manager did. Started selling her own merch, saying she's the manager to the stars. Oh, yeah. Makes you know they get off a bus, she shoots her.

Yolanda Saldivar. Pretty sure that bitch got beat up in prison, too. Yolanda Saldivar? Mm-hmm. Oh, my God. Look at that fucking cunt. Oh, Selena was from straight Thickaragua, bro. That bitch was thick, bro.

Dude, she had that peach. That ain't Selena. That's the killer Yolanda Thalibara. I know. That's Selena on the right, though. Selena had that peach cobbler out the back, bro. Oh, bro. She was cheeked up.

Ooh. Cake, cake, cake. Cheek a leak, boy. Cheek a leak, huh? Hot cakes, bro. Hot cakes, boy. Put some syrup on that butt. Cheeklandia, baby. Yeah. Cheeklandia. Fucking, bro. Hot cakes, boy. Put some syrup on that butt. Cheeklandia, baby.

Cheeklandia. Fucking uh. Yeah, I'm just getting worried about Chen. He's like, power's out. Computer's down. Yeah. And cut. Thank you.

And he also gave the Star Trek hand signal, too, when he did it. Computer's down. And he has glasses on. We're like, you're not on set, bro. Yeah, man. Speaking of Cheeklandia, Portlandia, my boy Ahsan, whatever city we go into, we get Tinder

for him. And Ahsan's your other opener. Yeah, Dangerous Brown. Yeah, oh yeah. Dangerous Brown. I've seen that guy. Fuck, honestly, I've reported that guy a couple times. So if he has two strikes on his record, at least one of them's from me, you feel me? You know what? That's fair. That's fair. I'm worried to fly with

him. I always keep a close eye on him. Bro, fly him on a separate plane, first of all. I try to. I try to. We just can't. You can. You tell him, hey, if you're coming, it's on a different plane. I go, maybe ditch the backpack, eh? Yeah. Maybe leave the backpack at home.

Yeah, maybe the front pack and also the Koran tattooed on your fucking back. Maybe get it removed. Also, is that a Raiders flag or an ISIS flag? You know what I'm saying? We never know. Yeah. But he met a thickie Nashville. Really?

Thickie Henderson, huh? You got to. Sliding into fucking second base at the buffet. Dude,iding into fucking second base at the buffet. Dude, slide into fucking third base at the buffet. He got a chunky fly in his web. Did he? Oh, he got a Klondike bar in his web. That's what I'm talking about.

Hold on. Thick like gravy. Dude, I like it if you pat a girl on the back and your hand kind of bounces off of her. Oh, I like that too. I like that. I don't mind. Look, a thick girl is good. I like a thick girl as long as it's that strong thick.

I don't like that. I like a little muscle under the layer of fat. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Kind of like how I like my ribs. Well, some girls' fat has muscle in it. Yeah. I like that marbled woman.

Dude. But what I don't like is. I like that rib eye bitch. Oh, dude. Oh, dude. woman dude but what i don't like that ribeye bitch oh dude but what i don't like is when you just get that you know that gristly you know it's gristle only yeah you know and i like the skirt steak either you know i'm saying where they're too skinny yeah yeah i like that like you said i like that marble ribeye bitch yeah i like that because i like that desert fat a little bit that's the thing about the kardashians they got Because I like that desert fat a little bit. That's the thing about the Kardashians.

They got that desert fat. Yeah, they got that Persian fucking spark on them. You feel me? Yeah, they got that sand. There's a little bit of sand in the fat. Them tri-tip tits. You feel me? I just like a little hard fat.

I don't mind. You know, it's got to be strong. You can't just have. A little haunch on the back there. Yeah. You can't just be having a bunch of. You're just milling around with a bunch of extra gristle. Nah, titties in the front. Haunches in the back. Yeah. You can't just be having a bunch of, you're just milling around with a bunch of extra gristle. Nah, titties in the front, hunches in the back.

Yeah, but Osama, he meets girls and he's just striking out, isn't he, D? Yeah, man, he's trying, but Jesus Christ, he strikes out hard. Does he? He strikes out hard. Yeah, but he can barely lift the back, too small guy. Oh, yeah, he does eyes only. He does this. So right when he meets them, he covers like that.

Oh, wow. It freaks him out. It freaks him out. It freaks him out, bro. I could see that a little. Only he does this right when he meets him he covers like that. Oh wow It freaks him out, bro, I could see that a little but dude he caught that chunky Klondike bar in his web Didn't took her home. He almost had her man. He got her he got her to throw him was had we sound like fucking pure rapist Just forgot to lock the back door. All right, man. Don't know what you're talking about, guy. That's why you got to put a grill in your apartment, bro.

Some ladies like a snack at night. Especially the thick ones like that, dude. Or just open up your fucking freezer and have the variety pack of Klondike bars. They got all sorts now. What would you do for a Klondike bar? What would you do for a Klondike bar? I can't believe it. Hey, hopefully suck this dick. Oh, damn, bro. Well, that's what Asad was thinking. I can't believe it. Hey, hopefully he sucked this dick. Oh, damn, bro.

Well, that's what Asana's thinking. Yeah, probably, dude. Who knows? He might want to fucking plot, you know, the end of the world with her. You might want to strap a bomb to her back. He might be just looking for a girl. You might want to make her a fucking IUD

or whatever the fuck it is. Yeah, he might be thinking, oh, this girl could carry a bomb. He might want that sand mule. You feel me? IUD or whatever the fuck it is. Yeah, he might be thinking, oh, this girl could carry a bomb. Because he's definitely. He might want that sand mule. You feel me? He's at the airport. Oh, he's hunting that little fucking dynamite donkey, bro.

That Greyhound bomb. He's wanting somebody to mule that TNT for him. And he thinks Thick Rhonda could do it. Thick Rhonda with the fireworks. But let's not take away from the fact that Brendan looks like that fucking character that you draw the little stuff over. What's the character called, Derek? Do you have that? Derek's about to lose his fucking job of Googling shit.

Wally Willie? Yeah, you look like Wooly, Wooly Willie. Jesus Christ, people don't know what two O's in a row mean. Oh, that's Eric Griffin, first of all. That's definitely Eric Griffin. First of all, let's be honest, Eric's parents designed him off of a fucking shitty game, okay? Apparently, Eric Griffin's mom fucked a Wooly, Wooly.

Well, I wasn't going to say that part. But also, there has to be one that looks like Brendan in there. Yeah, there's me and Theo right there. Oh, yeah. There we go. God, that's spot on, isn't it? That eye patch, man. Oh, remember that time you had an eye patch?

Oh, yeah, I remember it. That's cool. You should bring it back, bro. I'll bring it back probably once winter comes. You look better with one eye. What else we got? We got one person that said, Theo's actually bald. That's just a parrot on his head.

Oh, damn. Oh, good. Damn. I'm glad I wore the shirt today. This guy nailed that shit. It's just a parrot on his head I'm glad I wore the shirt today. This guy nailed that shit. It's just a parrot. It's just a straight up parrot. It's just a cockatoo.

I guess I can see that. Somebody the other day came and put some bird seed up on my scalp. Brennan is like a sleazy limo driver who hits on the bride on the way to the reception. Oh, yeah. Bro, that's awesome. That guy's awesome. I can see that. So, where'd you meet this guy? Yeah.

So, you sure you want to do this? Oh, I can show you some other stuff around town today. You into Klondike bars? What do you got, D? Oh, shit. What do you got, D? Oh, shit. Brendan looks like he's playing Jack Sparrow in the gay porn remake of Pirates of the Carobutthole.

I could see that, bro. Wooly Willy strikes again, bruh-bruh. Damn, dude. A little jacking off Sparrow, man. Wow. A little flapjack putting syrup on your buddy. Rip me up, D. What you got, man? Looks like he pressure washes

waffle houses for a living. We need more PSI. I'm sick of these kids. How the fuck they get syrup on the outside? I love that. I can see that in a heartbeat, man. All right, let's get into some categories.

We're bringing fucking molest this bride to be. Someone got to pay for Theo's haircut. All right, we'll start with a little Chai and My Ride, boys. A little new segment. That dog shit we've been doing is funny, bro. That shit makes me laugh. There's some fucking troubled animals out there. Yeah, it makes you realize how fucked up dogs are since we started doing this podcast.

Those things are demons. Still can't get that one with that fucking orange leg out of my mind. How about the cat with one fucking eye? Holy shit. Oh, wow. Who's this brother? So hot in. So hot in.

Who's this brother illegally parked here? Hey, which one of the fucking Nelly boys is this? This is Damon Mouser and his purple Jeep, boys. D-Mouse out there. God damn, D-Mouse with that purple grape hitter. Damn, you look like, and this is very Roman, very look. It is very Roman. No Roman I've ever seen.

Very Houston-ish, if you feel me. Oh, yeah. No, I didn't see New Orleans. Didn't say where he was from, but he looked like every car in the gas station at the Indianapolis place. Oh, it did. You're talking about the Black Expo. Oh, yeah.

Boy, he got that purple lights, too. It looks like he drank a bunch of Sizzerv and then bought this Jeep online. And now, I want to know, Cat, when unique women like yourself, when you guys see this kind of deal, what do you got? Is this something that's sexy in your culture?

Is this not your vibe? Would you jump in and share a rack of ribs with them? No, only because of the rims. Something is very off-settling about the rims. Yeah, no shit. Brendan, I ask Kat. Thank you, Kat. I can kind of work with everything else.

It's the rims that's a stranger danger. Yeah. I feel you. It's the rims that's a stranger danger. Yeah. I feel you. It's the rims that scream strip club owner. Yes. Yes. Yeah, the rims are too, they're just a little outdated. We need some type of new rim or something.

No, where's the new spinner at? Yeah. Remember spinners? Oh, yeah. Oh, those were dope. The car would stop. The wheels keep on spinning, baby. Doesn't seem like we're kind of in a time where there should be something new with the tires?

Some of these rims do look a little bit... They all look the same, don't they? Like with this grape hitter he has there, you got to put those real 4x4 wheels on a Jeep, dude. You can't be buying that thing. This thing looks like my son's fucking Tonka truck. Well, let's zoom back out. If he had regular wheels on that bitch, dude, he just looks like a homosexual. Nah, you think?

I think so. And no disrespect, bro. You know what I'm saying? We're all going to be gay one day, according to Brendan, you know? Just depends what age, you know what I'm saying? Depends how hard your life gets. But I think, dude, you put some 4x4 wheels on that, that bitch is going to be crawling over. You put a surfboard on the back, is that Jared Leto?

We don't know. Surfboard, dude? This guy might die in the water, bro. You gotta know what's going on. I'm not saying it's racist, dude. He's parked in a handicapped spot. This guy's doing a lot of wrong. He's doing a lot of wrong. You don't put a handicapped guy out in the water, bro.

You right. You right. Jesus, dude. You want to talk about Jaws, bro? Brendan, I love it. Good thing you're not a movie director, man. Why is that? If you did Jaws 4, you know, designed by Brendan, it would be a couple of handicapped dudes out there fucking drowning.

It would be a short movie. They don't even have to worry about the sharks. It would be called Oz because you'd watch, you'd be like, oh. It would be called awes. Because you'd watch, you'd be like, awes. Damn, two handicapped dudes, no sharks, one wave. It's a wrap, bro. Dude, but hey, homeboy here with fucking Nelly's crew with the Jeep.

I'm not mad at the grape color. Also, he looks like he goes around fucking schools giving out those grape Mike and Ikes. You know what I'm talking about? Oh, yeah. Those are my favorite. Just grapes? Yeah. They still make them? The grape Mike? I do. You know what I'm talking about? Oh, yeah. Those are my favorite. Just grapes? Yeah. They still make them? The grape Mike and Ike, dude, those were hard.

Just the grapes? God, those went hard in the paint. The grape ones were good. What candy was horrible was the one that looked like Benadryls or something on the box, the way the box was. Oh, Good and Plenty's? Ugh. Those are my favorite, bro. What in the fuck is it?

The English people like those. Plenty? I love how that's an advertisement. Good and Plenty. Hey, here's a bunch of it. There was a shitload of them, though. What in the fuck is it? Dude, the English people like those. Plenty? I love how that's an advertisement. Hey, here's a bunch of it. There was a shitload of them, though. They ain't lying. They're horrible. Of course there was, dude.

Hey, this is horrible. Have a lot of it. And you fell for that marketing? I did. They got me, bro. Dude, look. Dude, you ever had a, remember the, what were the hot ones? Were they hot as fuck?

They're super hot, like, oh, fuck. Describe them again, not saying hot. Not ear heads. Hot tamales? Nope. Come on, Kev. That's what I was going to guess, which was a great guess. Red hots?

Nope. They're like super hot. Come on, man. Atomic fireball? Nope. Come on, man. We're all around the same age. You don't know it. You don't know it.

You don't know it, bro. We don't even want to know it. We don't even want to know what it is. And you're forcing us to guess. Atomic something? Atomic fireballs? Nope. Wow.

Let's just move on. Yeah, dude. Give me the next fucking shitty whip. I almost want Chen to pop back in here with telling us something's down again. But I'll say this. Guy, you got to fucking shitty whip. I almost want Chen to pop back in here with telling us something's down again. But I'll say this. Guy, you got to update the whip. That picture also looks like it could be from like eight years ago. Like, oh, here we go.

Oh, for fuck's sake. Dude, what's up with these? We got Jack Nagai. Jack Nagai. Take it easy. You can say it. Me and Theo can say that. We'll just call him Jack on my end.

You know what I'm saying? I mean, this dude. Dude, this thing is what nightmares are made of. Also, just because they sell it at Pet Boys doesn't mean you have to put it on your fucking van, bro. Yeah. Oh, hey, get this new vanilla scented door. You know? You can hang it off the side of your van.

This looks like where Theo took his family to Disneyland and calls it Disneyland. What is that thing? It's like a boat. Red door. First of all, if you are not watching this on YouTube, you are missing out 700% because It's the worst car I've ever seen in my life. It's the greatest house I've ever seen, though. It's a mobile home.

Legit mobile home. Bro, one lawsuit with the wifey and this is where you live, B. Right here, huh? Yeah, you ain't lying, bro. Put some 22s on that bitch, though. You know what I'm saying? I'll put some spinners on it. Where's that door lead to is what I want to know.

The inside. I don't think so, bro. I don't think so. That don't make sense, bro. That looks like a haunted house. Bro, in Vietnam, this would come in very handy because the land gets flooded there every year, and they have to rebuild their house, so you could just drive your house off a couple of, you know, out of the water right here. That's a hovercraft.

Dude, the back is a boat. That's a hovercraft, yeah. Yeah, this is a hovercraft. I don't know, man. This looks like, you ever seen Taxi Cab Confessions, the pornos? There might be a glory hole in the back there. Look at that. What's that lead to? I got a lot of questions. A glory hole? Dude, the pornos. There might be a glory hole in the back there. Look at that. What's that lead to?

I got a lot of questions. A glory hole? Dude, a glory hallway. There is a fucking door on it, bro. First of all, the door goes above the top of the van. That's what I'm saying. Even if you open the door, what the fuck?

It doesn't make sense at all. This looks like a third grader's drawing, and someone just was like, yeah, I'll build that. Oh, whatever, Brennan. You don't know anything about carpentry, dude. Do we have any more facts about this vehicle? No, we have no facts about this car. Nothing. Jesus Christ.

We have nothing. We have nine people working on this show, and we have zero facts about this? Homeboy didn't send any facts. He doesn't want anyone to know where the fuck he's at. Guys, so the van, there's a front door on the van, and then right next to the front door, there is a red door to a home. Straight out of it.

Yeah. There's a red door to a home, and it is... There's actually the side of a home is taped to the edge of the van. Legit tape. Like the blue tape. Yeah, bro. I love the window right there. Is that a doorbell?

This is insane. This is insane. It's insane, dude. Yeah. Oh, man. Hey, we closed the door. We're about to get on the interstate. Close the goddamn door.

Hey, we locked the door, man. I'm merging. This is insane, man. What else you got, D? What else you got? I don't know where we go from here. Bro, this is Noah's fucking park, bro. This thing has a fucking emergency brake on it and could take a maximum amount of animals.

This is fucking... Dude, this is a fucking mobile pawn shop. It's just so confusing, man. Bro, this is what men and women are nowadays. This thing could use a transgender restroom. That's for damn sure. That's the thing. Do we even call this a vehicle? I'm sure it has a bunch of pronouns.

It's a she-hickle, probably, dude. This thing could piss wherever it wants, bro. Is that a tit? Is that a tire? Who knows? The hood's painted blue for no reason. It's definitely neutral color. Yeah. There's obviously blood inside of it. Definitely some bodies in there.

Yeah. Wow. This is like Dexter's going on vacation. Let's get out of here, Derek. What are you opening up? You'll open anything. Derek will open anything. Support the podcast. Here's an ad. Well, Derek. What are you opening up? You'll open anything. Derek will open anything. Support the podcast.

Here's an ad. Well, Brendan, you know what? I'm getting older, dude. Oh, I noticed, bro. And you're not going to live forever, dude, especially dressing like a six-year-old. Yeah, I hear you, man. You got a Disneyland t-shirt on. I want to talk to you about something.

Life insurance, dude. I think we both should look into it. You know, I was living very long. Oh, not long at all, bro. I mean, especially, dude, I just hung a TV on the wall the other day. life insurance dude i think we both should look into it either one was living very long oh not long at all bro i mean especially dude i just hung a tv on the wall the other day there's an earthquake almost killed me yeah i feel you listen almost killed me almost lost my life trying to see a little bit of uh investigative discovery on 64 inches hd 64 inches that worth your life i don't think so.

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We'll do a little debate club next. Get back to what we know. That's the worst vehicle we've ever had on air. That is quite a vehicle, man. Up first, this is Alex from St. Louis. Alex looks like y'all's old worker that used to work at Fighter and the Kid. What was that girl's name? I am a gamer all day, every day.

Are you talking about Evan? But I am a PlayStation girl. No, girl. So what do you think is better? I don't know, but you and her have the same nose. That's good. Theo, my sister and I are coming to see you in Memphis. We are so excited.

We're driving all the way from St. Louis to come see you. I guarantee it's going to be hilarious. We love you guys. Gang, gang. We're just joking. Obviously, we have a similar-nosed Rorty family. You guys are definitely related somehow. Thank you, young lady. Brendan was so busy looking at your tits, he didn't

even hear your question. Can we play it again? You know me too well, dude. Between her nose and the tits i have no idea something about ribs i have a debate club question for you i am a gamer all day every day but i am a playstation girl so what do you think is better xbox or playstation theo my sister and i are coming to see you in memphis we are so excited we're driving all the way from st louis to come see you so i guarantee it's going to be hilarious. We love you guys. Gang, gang, buzz, buzz. Buzz, buzz, girl.

Congrats on the nose. Why are you making fun of her nose? I'm not. I think you guys both have nice noses. You call me potato nose all the time. A long time ago, dude. You text me sometimes and say, hey man, I heard you're breathing really well. And that hurts my feelings.

And you'll often, you'll text, also this is something I've noticed, and you'll say, man, I heard you're breathing really well. And that hurts my feelings. And you'll often, you'll text, also this is something I've noticed, and you'll say instead of no, K-N-O-W, write N-O-S-E. And then you'll fucking say it was a typo. Dude, I blame it on the fucking iPhone, bro. I'm saying you guys

both have nice noses. The point. Okay, we'll say that. And your cousin's coming to see you and you guys should split some nice Memphis ribs. Well, look. You had tits in your ears the first time you could even hear the woman. And she seemed like a lovely lady. Yeah, she is. And look, I love all these chick gamers, man.

I like seeing this. PlayStation or Xbox? For me, it's PlayStation. Xbox looks like you're working for pharmaceutical sales or something. The thing's too fucking big. You know, it's white. You can't hide it that easily. Xbox is black.

Xbox? Xbox is black and green. The controls are white. Right? They come in both colors. Not when I was a kid, it was black. The Xbox? The Xbox started off as black.

Yeah, the first one was black and green. The PlayStation was light gray. Here's the thing. Xbox all day, because the Xbox controller's big, so if she can deal with that Xbox controller, she can deal with this dick. You know what I'm saying? You're disgusting. You're disgusting. Don't touch me.

Do not touch me. And the PlayStation's small. The PlayStation's small. Go get back in your fucking boat van and fucking do a crime. We have no idea, because someone You're the one who's flying a fucking little brown couple of brown guys around the country the fuck you know i don't hear what you're talking about i'm talking about you derek i'm actually just talking about the other guy the fucking killer you're talking about dangerous brown yeah dangerous brown your

fucking buddy man he's signing i'm joking i like you son he's a sweet guy yeah but we don't trust him hey you play uh games, though, right? I play Call of Duty right now, and I play it by myself. People keep asking me to get on their team and shit. Dude, I got to fucking sleep. I ain't trying to fucking be talking to some men in different countries and shit at night. You could use some friends, though. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I probably could. I thought I had one in here until you fucking made fun of me and both of my sisters from Memphis. Okay? I feel like you and your sisters can get in some trouble in Memphis. Really? Walking in Memphis. Remember that jam? Dude, why don't you reload your marks a lot and finish putting your face on, brother?

Okay? That's what I'm saying with that scattered hair. Dude, at least I can grow a complete beard. What was she asking about? Hey, what's this buckle bunny talking about? I'm sorry. Xbox or PlayStation. Brendan, you are so mean, bro.

Dude, buckle bunny's a fun term for people that go to rodeos. What is it? Yeah. Oh, sorry. You're a buckle bunny. Yeah. Yeah, you're a buckle bunny. I like it, dude.

Yeah. I'm going to go to the rodeo as soon as I'm done pressure washing this fucking wall. I don't play video games, though, but I grew up with Xbox. Dude, where I'm from, pressure washing was like the main business you could start, bro. If you grew up in a poor environment, pressure washing. That was the move. That was like you creating an app at Harvard. You put the change in it.

It was like, yeah, he's got his own pressure washing business. Dale making bank, bro. Dale making bank. Leonard's got his own pressure washing business. Dale making bank, bro. Dale making bank. Leonard's got his own pressure washing company? He's fucking. He's fucking, bro. So shout out to anybody who's out there P-dubbing, dude. Fuck yeah.

And look, both of my nieces can come to the show. And I'll say this, PlayStation, it just looks swaggier. I'm not turning on a fucking Xbox unless I'm a pedophile, bro. Xboxes, for me, seem like they're more in that pedophile culture. PlayStation to me seems a little bit more fine dining, if you will. It's for people with small hands.

Okay. I'll take that. 55% went with PlayStation on this one. Gang, bro! You're an idiot. I win this one, dude. Shout out to the fucking... Wow, you're the kind of guy that hits all the buttons that are on the table

and doesn't even know what they're doing. It's called button mashing. Yeah, it is, dude. Up next, we got Brian from Sulphur, Louisiana. Gang, bro. Eric Griffin.

What's up, Theo? Hey, Sue Strieho. That's cool. Brian from Sulphur, Louisiana. Gang, bro. Got a little debate for you. A little cool. From Sulphur, Louisiana. Gang, bro. Got a little debate for you. A little too much energy for us, my man. Would you guys rather date a girl who's blind, or would you rather date a girl who's deaf?

Let me know. Guys, keep doing what you're doing. Much love. Buzz buzz. Gang bang. Gang bang, bro. Gang bang. First of all, I thought I heard women chained up in the back

of his video it sounded like it was a little weird it's either a woman or he's run a slave kind of man or woman i don't know what's going on there he's a little too calm for me though you can tell he's he he was he parked and stepped into the back of the houseboat van to make this video and send it in. What was the question? Date a blind girl or a deaf girl? This one's so easy. Deaf. Really? Yeah, I gotta do deaf. Why?

You're gonna ruin your whole... No one's gonna like you after you answer this one, but go on. No, we don't. We have to be honest. I would go deaf because you want them to see things. You just don't want the deaf girl talking all the time. Oh, damn, bro. First of all, yes, I do know what you're saying.

You know what I'm saying. Yeah, I do. I just wouldn't have said it like that, bro. You said be honest, man. I know, dude. You fell for the fucking be honest quicksand, boy. God damn it. And now you're going down.

God damn bubble bunny. You got me again. You fell for the be honest quicksand, bro. You thought I was going to hold you up, and it fucking took you down, boy. Dude, here's the thing. Blind girls can just think whatever you want. But you get to tell them what's going on. That's the thing about blind.

You get to be that liaison. You get to be that fucking color donkey for them, bro. You get to be the eye walker dog for them. Yeah, dude. You're fucking Pablo Picasso all day. You could describe something to them. Tell them you look like Bradley Cooper, but really look like Theo Vaughn. Dude, we had a guy, a cousin, I think.

I don't know. Somebody was fucking, but we told him there were dragons outside. That's fair. And he thought there were, dude. And until you've seen a blind kid hide from a dragon, you know. You haven't lived. Bro, you haven't seen anything in an open field. But that's more exciting for them, though, you know?

Well, look, man, this was different times, man. This was when kids, you know, kids that, you know, were more creative. Imagination, you know? So I would say blind, if I had to date a blind woman or a deaf woman, I think I would prefer blind because I think they seem more patient. You get to walk them around a little bit. You could take them to baseball games and lie to them, say it's the ninth inning, what's the second? You could say, yeah, it's front row seats.

You could always be. We won, but she thinks your team's undefeated. Yeah, a deaf girl might get pissed you got shitty seats all the time at an event. And you got to learn sign language. shitty seats all the time at an event. And you gotta learn sign language. Kat, would you rather, I think, if we're gonna go to a female's perspective,

would you rather be blind or deaf? Would you rather date a blind or deaf guy? I think I'd rather date a deaf guy. Personally. I just have a deep-ass voice, and a lot of people assume that I'm a butch woman, which is fine. Perfectly fine. I just think

I have better chances of dating a deaf guy than I would a blind guy. Oh, wow. But the blind guy might go like this. You know what I'm saying? That's how they feel. Very true. But a blind guy can also feel you. That's what I'm saying. A deaf guy can also feel you, though. Yeah, but he can see. Yeah,

that's true. Derek, what do you think? Where do you go? Dude, blind girls give the best blowjobs because they can imagine that dick is anything, baby. You know what I mean? Anything. Yeah, but big's big. You know what I'm saying? They high-five like they're from fucking Little Rascals. Do you see them high-five these two fucking?

Yeah, bro. You can't high-five blind people, dude. It's not cool. Is that what you're talking about? The whole culture corner high-fived each other when Derek said that. Gross! They're gross, man. Man, woman hater club.

These people are disgusting. I don't know what's going on. God damn it. Where's Chin at? We got to get out of here. We need Chin right now to blast us off into a different galaxy, man. But good luck out there in Sulphur, brother. Yeah, either blind or deaf.

Good work, man. Sulphur, beautiful city. 60% went with deaf as well. Deaf girls. Yeah, it's tough, man, when they're blind. All right, boys, a little relationship advice up next. Oh, I do. We're just making the world better every episode.

Who would hit us up for relationship advice? Awesome people that are looking for fucking a lot of people. Yeah, you're right. Actually, that's a pretty good call. What else? What do you got here, Joe? This is from Joseph from Columbus, Ohio. Joseph. Joseph. What up, King and the

Sting? This is Joe. Is that cat in the back? This is Joe from Ohio with some relationship advice. My wife, in the back seat, we met on Tinder. And when we go see her family in California, she hates when I tell them that we met on Tinder, tell anybody, her family, or friends, that we met on the great site of Tinder. Well, why don't you tell the truth? Brendan, let him talk.

You know, I like being the success story that, hey, we met on Tinder, we're married, and now we have a baby. Yeah, like the Frederick Douglass of Tinder. Yep. But she also kind of looks like a cat a little bit. She has glasses on. But, uh... Okay.

So my question is... That's a stretch. Do I respect her wishes and not tell her family how we met and tell them that we met at the mall because that's where

our first date was? Make sure the story's not as long as this one, whatever you do. Or do I tell them the truth and that's where our first date was. Make sure the story's not as long as this one, whatever you do. Or do I tell them the truth and that we met on Tinder and that it works

if you do it right. I feel you, dude. Gang, gang, buzz, buzz. Buzz, buzz, dog. I would tell the truth. Tell that you found that wife off the Asian- Asian ordered bride. You didn't meet on Tinder, bro.

What are we doing? Bro, Tinder is definitely, it's basically like, you can get every type of people on there. It's basically like FarmersOnly.com, but for everyone, not just for whites. Yeah, you could. Also, this is a real stat. I think 60 or 70% of relationships in 2018 start off sites like that. You made that up, whatever you're saying. You can look that up.

Yeah. You can look that up. You can look it up anywhere, and you made it up. But what I'm saying is this. First of all, the guy, okay? The guy is making a video while he's driving with his wife and child. Yeah. Okay?

But this was us. Whoever you met. Because you know where you're going to un-meet? Heaven. At the funeral place. You're going to meet in heaven. Yeah. That's where you're going to meet.meet? At the funeral place. You're going to meet in heaven. That's where you're going to meet. How about when he goes, me and my wife, and he goes, uh.

First of all, your wife can sit in the front seat, bro. It is 2019. Yeah, bro. I'm not buying this whole thing. You guys met overseas, bro. Now, that, I do get that. He has that military type of vibe. And there's nothing wrong with that either.

And he also, he obviously has that Asian, that yellow fever, they call it. You know, I think, no, that's a different, that's a disease that killed a lot of people, I think, in the 1800s. No, yellow fever's fine. You look up yellow fever for us, Derek? I'm pretty sure yellow fever's a real Look, Wooly Willie. Is that the name of a...

Just drag some more hair onto your face with your little stencil thing. Or is that the name of Coldplay's fan base? Yellow Fever. What is it, Derek? It's a disease. Read it fast. I don't sound racist. You got a disease caused by a virus that has spread through mosquito bites.

And that's what I'm talking about. No, but Yellow Fever is a real thing, dude. If you like just Asians, you got Yellow Fever. Is that fair, Kat? That's absolutely fair. It's fair. You're not racist. Not racist at all.

And so what does it encompass? Is yellow fever? Because Japanese people look kind of whitish, I think. Yeah, some Asians look really white and others look really brown. Filipinos are super dark. Yeah. Very, very brown. Oh, yeah.

That Filipino grigio. How nobody's come out with that wine yet. I'll never understand. Why don't we market that? Filipino grigio. How nobody's come out with that wine yet. I'll never understand. Why don't we market that? Filipino Grigio. How about yellow wine? Are you Filipino? No, Vietnamese.

Well, look, let's tell people you're Filipino and make the wine. And sell it. Oh, let's say you smash the grapes with your feet and sell the wine. What? People love her feet, dude. Oh, yeah. And then buy one, get one free, and you get a bus lamp. Oh, yeah, dude. I am down. Oh, yeah. I love buy one, get one free, and you get a bus lamp. Oh, yeah, dude.

I am down. Oh, yeah. I love that. I love this idea, bro. Those bus lamps. The demand is so high. So high, bro. God.

Grabbing a little bit of communal bust in the living room. Why go all to your separate rooms to jerk off? You know what I'm saying? It's 2019. Gang up on each other, man. You could jerk off in the living room like a fucking, like a real crew, you know?

Like a real family. What was this guy's problem? Should he keep it quiet about Tinder where they met because that's what his wife hates or should he talk about it

because they made it? What do you think, B? That's a good question, man. Listen, just say you met at a bar. Who gives a fuck? Who cares? But that's not what

he's asking, Brendan. But family's older. His family's older. They don't even know what Tinder is. They don't know what Instagram is. So you're going to have to explain all that. A little white lie is not bad. It's just like, we met at a bar.

Yeah, we're married now, bitch. You know what I'm saying? Get over it. I don't know. That seems aggressive. That seemed like a way. That seemed like a very- No, the biggest problem is he's driving and fucking recording this nine-hour question.

That's the biggest. And he's going 90 miles an hour and then a super creeper goes, this is my wife. Alright, dude. First of all, I love a creepy dude. I work with one. Second of all,

I think... Here's the thing. If you want to tell... Just don't make the reason you do it to make fun of your wife or something. If she feels to tell the, just don't make the reason you do it to like make fun of your wife or something. Or if she feels uncomfortable, saying you met at the mall is kind of fucking shady as well.

Did he say the mall? That's what he said. He said he met at the mall. No, no, no. That's way worse. It's not 1994 anymore. I can't say the mall. So he met at a nice fancy restaurant at the bar or some shit, man.

Yeah, yeah. At least make it somewhere nice. Maybe like the Holiday Inn had a, they always have a club at the bar or some shit, man. Yeah, yeah. At least make it somewhere nice. Maybe like the Holiday Inn. They always have a club at the Holiday Inn, like a little bar called Celebrations or Uproar. It always has a shitty name. City Met at Waffle House. No.

That could be fun. That's a good conversation. Everybody loves Waffle House. No one hates on it. There's no perfect place to meet, I don't think. Is there a perfect place to meet? Let's go to the Culture Corner. Definitely not the mall, though. We know that.

Definitely not a mall, especially now. I feel like malls are where older guys go pick up high school girls. Dude, yeah. Yeah, you're probably right. Here's the other thing about Tinder. This is a success story. I'm not on Tinder. You probably are.

But all they say is it's a hookup site. Dudes are just busting nuts left and right trying to make these lamps no one's getting married they they they're a success story they got married off tinder that's dope well is it that's what i'm saying he says they're a success story he says they're a success that's what i say yeah look i think yeah just fuck i don't know tinder should use them for marketing everyone Everyone trying to fucking bust nuts and spread disease on Tinder. These people are real. They met on there.

They got a family now. He's driving 90 miles an hour in his fucking Outback Subaru on the road filming. It's a success. I think, look, tell your boys you met on Tinder. That's fine. I think if she wants to have some different airs for her family, you could tell them that. And then, you know, and that can be that. Come up with a cool place, though, because it's hard to keep that lie all the goddamn time.

Yeah, that's a thing. Say you met at a Chili's. Do a Chili's. Yeah, everybody meets at Chili's, dude. They got chips. They got fucking steaks. Baby back ribs. Yeah, they have no ovens in the back.

Everything's made in a microwave, and they bring it out like it was made in an oven, bro. Yeah. Dude, that's America, dude. So tell them that's where you met. Ooh, say you met at Marie Callender's because we run out of business. And let your wife sit in the... And they'll have no questions.

Yeah, let your wife sit in the front seat every now and then, dude. Yeah, she's not Rosa Parks, dick. Let her in the front seat, all right? Yeah, bro. Let's start there and then worry about the family's judgment. She's not fucking Rosa Parks, you know?

Rosa Parques. What else we got? All right, boys. We got a little Flamar aunt up next. Yeah, let's see some bad nyeh. Bring on these fine-ass aunts. Let's see some bad nyeh. Up first, we have Aunt Cindy.

Oh, God. It starts with sin. Ooh. Is this Punk My Aunt? No, it's Flamar Aunt. Oh, hell yeah. Horses in the back. Talk about a buckle bunny.

What's up, girl? Ooh, look at that, riding those meats. Buckle Rhonda. Check it out, man. She's not fucking around. These buckle bunnies are hot. And can we zoom in on any of these so we can get a look at the lady? Is this the same person, or did she morph into an uncle?

This is the same person. Really? This is Aunt Cindy. Just because a woman's tougher than you doesn't mean they're a man, Brendan. Dude, that's why you're her buckle bunny. She gets off that horse, she's sucking tits. Dude, well, does she have a wedding ring on? Nope.

Do we know anything about her, Derek? Where are you guys getting these women? We do. Aunt Cindy is the hardest working lady that this young lady's niece knows. Still rides horses and has over 20 rescues at her ranch. Owns a ranch. And she has three daughters.

Oh, yeah. And you know you're a real bad woman when you only make other women with your vagina. She has three daughters? Yes, sir. That's crazy, bro. You gotta step at night and just roll those eggs in your body. You know her husband, when she gets home, better have dinner ready. Better have dinner ready, house better be clean.

You know her husband fucking in there with assless chaps on making dinner. Oh, dishes in the washer, casseroles in the oven. Titties in your mouth, man. This lady seems like she'll breastfeed herself if she has to. She ain't waiting around for no bullshit. Nah, she don't need no man. Me too movement. She's like, bitch, what?

Ride a horse. Yeah, me who, bro? She. See, I'm a cowboy. Ride a horse. That's her life slogan. She's a tough gal. Cindy ain't playing.

And she goes after it. And I like it. I applaud you flaunting this lady look at her right there one of the animals almost looks dead that she's riding on the far right yeah far right one looks like you might have yeah he said man i can't handle it anymore the other thing is cindy i can't live like this cindy i'm exhausted you're on me every goddamn day you never let me ride straight turns only i'm out i'm out turns only on a. I'm out. I'm out. Turns only on a horse. I'm out.

Wow. I'm going to heaven, bro. I'll see you at Elmer's, dog. Glue me up, Scotty. Here's the thing. If fucking Aunt Amy or whatever the fuck her name is. Cindy is her name, you asshole. If Aunt Cindy and Theo fought in a knockdown, she'd be a minus 3,000.

Tell you that right now. With her calloused hands. Really? Against your stupid face. Fuck yeah. Is that who wins? First of all, my face isn't stupid, you that right now. With her calloused hands. Really? Against your stupid face. Fuck yeah. Is that who wins? First of all, my face isn't stupid, you dumbass. I'm just saying she scares me.

You know what I'm saying? She's a little too rough for my liking. Well, look, man. Then don't stick her on me, dude. I bet I could handle her. I would take her out in a nice van house. You ain't the one. You ain't the one for her.

She looks like she thought fucking Brokeback Mountain was a comedy. She's a tough lady. Thank you. We're happy to flaunt her, man. Hell yeah. Flaunt that bad bitch. Damn. Making women only with your vagina.

That's gangster. Probably didn't even need a guy. I dare you to try to get a boy out of this. I bet she has that tattooed on one of her inner thighs. Just says no boys. Yeah. Up next, we got inner thighs. She says no boys. Yeah. Up next, we got Aunt Jenny. This is Aunt Jenny.

Oh, damn. Shorty want a pug. Shorty want a pug. Pugs are us. Pug is in the club. Damn. But then she doesn't have a pug for a dog. First of all, she looks like me.

I will say that. She does not look like you, bro. Really? Yeah. Then you don't know how to look at stuff. If you were born and raised in Florida, this aunt needs to get out of the goddamn sun for a hot second. Yeah. Yeah, she's so sunburned she has pugs coming out of her shirt.

She definitely. I'm confused. So is that a pillow or is that one giant shirt with two dogs? Well, he'll tell us if he says something, Derek. We don't know about if it's a pillow or not. It looks like a pillow to me, but I'm not 100% sure, man. I don't know what's going on there. And she doesn't even have a pug.

Only thing we know about her is she lives in the desert. And we know that dog needs to get its dick in up her face. Jesus Christ, man. How about respect, bro? She's the tannest woman I've ever seen in my life. That dog looks like it fucking pays for everybody's tab at Benihana. That thing looks like a fucking straight up

G, son. And he has a fucking vest on. Who is he? Well, he's obviously educated. We know that. A vest on? He's fucking pimping this old lady out. He's pretty dope. Is he a detective, dude? Look at this dog.

He has a fucking... Is he an actor from the movie Seven with Morgan Freeman? Why does he have two guns on each side? He has a.48 strapped around his neck. Can we zoom in on this pup a little? He has a.48 strapped around, or a.49. And he's posing. Jesus, Rose

Who is he? He's got his dick out, dude Yeah, he has on bad clothing It's almost you, Brendan Dude, he doesn't give He doesn't give a fuck, does he? He never has given a fuck, dude If you fucking

If you frisked him You would not find any fucks on him, bro No fucks given And let's zoom out Is that definitely a pug Or is that ET on that pillow? It looks like ET did some prison time. There's a lot going on.

What's she asking about? Yeah, what, she wanted her bike in the back? What's going on? I have no idea why there's so many bikes in the back. But no, she's just flaunting. She's just flaunting, man. She's just saying, what's up, fellas? Not mad at the tan, not mad at all the pups, way too many bikes.

I get some questions about that, whatever. Yeah, but I'll say this. You are one of the people that doesn't realize how tan you are. And it might be because you're colorblind. It could be because I wonder a lot of this. A lot of these people see the world in a different color because you are. Like they can't see orange? Or something.

You're four shades past whatever you need to be. So, like, you definitely... Overcooked. Oh, you could easily get shot by cops for possibly reaching for something in your car. Like, you're fucking going down. Dangerous dark. Dangerously dark.

Yeah, you're trying to... And, Cindy, you're dangerously dark. Yeah, you're right. And we're trying to help you out here. Yeah, you're getting... I'd lighten up just a few shades, as Theo's trying to tell you. You're getting risky, okay? You look like a fucking Orange Julius.

The pugs are beautiful. The pugs. She looks like the biggest Oompa Loompa. Those things were orange as fuck. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you look like Oompa Nardo DiCaprio. You fucking coming in like the highest edge loompa there is you look like somebody's aunt if they're a hot dog yeah you look like that all beef francesca baby that all

beef front if i can hear that betty bratwurst yeah you look like the last hot dog left on that spinning thing at the gas station. That lonely, wrinkly, brown hot dog. Just sweating all the time. Yeah, just sweating. I'm sweating, bro. Bro, back off the bronzer. You look like a third place trophy at this point. I'm surprised somebody just hang you around their neck at the Olympics.

You gotta tighten up a little bit. But with that said... Or you got the worst body at the fucking Mr. Olympia. You're mean, Brendan. What? Dude! You just said she's eating your fucking... But you don't have to say about her body. Her body's nice, Brendan. No, I'm not mad. I'm talking about color here.

Shout out to this lady, though, man. I like the dogs. Her body's nice, Brendan. I'm talking about color here. Shout out to this lady though, man. I like the dogs. Her dog is a little promiscuous. It's whatever. I like his vest. I like that she had the balls to take this picture. No pun intended. I think there's a lot going on in this picture and I love it.

Just orange down a little. You're a dime. You're a dime and a half. I'd say more like a penny. Really? Well, pennies are bronze. Good call. You win this round, Brendan. Alright, boys. We'll wrap it up with a little King of the Stingit.

Up first, we have Ty Trahan from Lafayette. What is King of the Stingit? I feel like every segment is the same. I have no idea. I feel like every segment is the same. I feel like Flop My Aunt and Punk My Aunt, they're the same person. Most of the aunts are so manly that we get. Times are changing.

We don't discriminate here. Brown is brown. A lot of these pussies are hard out there. You know what I'm saying, brother? A lot of these pussies got balls. And who's this guy? This is Ty from Lafayette. Lafayette, boy. Thanks for the clear picture.

Yeah. Dude, it's human, bro. I'm like Dustin the Diamond Poirier, Lafayette, Louisiana. Gang gang. Gang gang, buzz buzz. Where's the wolf? King it or sting it. Wolf.

Wow. Bro, you ain't Kevin Costner. This ain't Dances with the Wolves. Dude. You're in New Orleans with a fucking white fame. He's in Lafayette and it's Fado Do with the Wolves, baby. I like it. They're listening to some Zydeco music right there.

That's fucking Jack London, bro. Dude, that's that cocaína fucking wolf, too. That thing is pure white, isn't it? Oh, that thing, you can cut that up and fucking snort at least one of its legs, bro. At least sniff his nose. Damn, that thing is gangster. A little too relaxed, snort at least one of its legs, bro. At least sniff his nose. Damn, that thing is gangster. A little too relaxed, though. Wolfs, they are not dogs, man.

Those things, they got those mean streaks in them. But do you want a dog nowadays? Look what the other dog's doing in that lady's picture. It's sitting there erect on a couch. Putting a stick in her face. This thing's a professional. Look at him, man. You think anyone's robbing that guy's house knowing he has white fang hanging in the fucking bedroom with him all the goddamn time?

Not a chance. Never. I would put a note in the yard that says, unless you've read up on Jack London, I wouldn't even fucking step foot in my house. Yeah, you ain't lying, dude. Dude, this thing right here. Unless you're Kevin Costner,

don't come in this fucking crib. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, what's that book, Hunter Wolfe's or whatever? Missed that one. Oh, no, you're talking about Snow Dogs, dumbass. No, I'm saying? Yeah, what's that book, Hunter Wolfe's or whatever? Missed that one. Oh, no, you're talking about snow dogs, dumbass. No, I'm not. You're an idiot.

Snow dogs, bro. I think Merrill Badham was. Huh? I've never seen it. It's a documentary. Isn't it about dogs that run cocaine across the border? No, it's snow dogs. It's a Colombian documentary.

It's a Cuba Good and China movie. Oh, yeah, which is basically the same thing, bro. Same thing. Is he Colombian documentary. The Cuba Gooden Jr. movie. Oh, yeah, which is basically the same thing, bro. Same thing. Is he Colombian? I don't know. That guy will be in any movie, too. Any movie. Hey, you want to be in this movie?

Sure, I'm already in it. Sure, I'll play another character. Bro, that guy... But back to this thing. The word no does not exist for Cuba Gooden Jr. That Louisiana wolf. Sure, I'll play another character. Bro, that guy. But back to this thing. The word no does not exist for Keewa Ken Jr. That Louisiana wolf. I would start mating and breeding this thing because we need more wolves out there. We need.

Wolves are part of a real part of nature, not these fake ass dogs they got out here. Here's my thing. If a frisbee will kill it, it's not a dog. Okay? You throw a frisbee, it catches in its mouth, and it fucking needs to go to the hospital. Fuck it, son. That ain't a dog. It's something that we. Okay? You throw a Frisbee, it catches in its mouth, and it fucking needs to go to the hospital? Fuck it, son. That ain't a dog. That ain't a dog. That's something that we created.

It's some bullshit. Yeah, that's a man-made Paul bullshit. Yeah, that's a little twink, bro. Also, everyone thinks we're all gangsters. These pit bulls roll up to the park with a fucking wolf on your back. See what's up? Ow! Fuck some people up.

That's what I'm saying, man. You the lord of light, bro, right here. You working against the dark arts, it seems like, 100%. It'd be a lot less crime if everyone had wolves in their goddamn house. Praise God, brother. Shout out to wolves. I'm definitely keen. Wolf up, bro.

Gang, dude. Fuck Khabib, man. Awesome, boys. This is the last one. This is from John Martino from Saratoga Springs. J-Mar, what it is? What up, Brandon? What up, Theo?

How's it been, man? Oh, that's our boy! It's been a long time since I talked to you guys, since episode one and two. And I just wanted to give the shout out because you guys are the best. You guys are the best of the best. Dang. There's nobody better. Told you, idiot.

You guys nailed it in the coffin, baby. You guys put these... Rest in peace, baby. You guys got this nail in the coffin. Anyways, I got a king in her sting it. Snapchat. I don't think I get it, man. I don't get it. Snapchat.

I get a new phone. Now there's this thing. Snapchat. King in her sting it. Inform me. I don't know. What the fuck is this, Lil' Dwight? What's this all about? What's the hoopla about? It just looks like facebook to me it looks ridiculous let me know what's his name i'm with john fuck snapchat that's for the kids and that's for them boys putting their dicks on them and girls putting their titties on there

i don't fuck with that snap dangerous i got too much shit anyway aren't you getting a bunch of assholes and death threats on there yeah that's that's exactly what I'm getting. No joke, I'm getting assholes and death threats on there. Yeah, I don't need that in my life right now. I got to stay off it. I got to stay off Twitter, Instagram. People send me their cock on Instagram. I don't want that snap in my face. I'm with Homeboy here. It's too confusing. Shout out to that guy. Yeah, first of all, this guy regularly needs to send in videos, dude, because he's great. Yeah, he's chewing neon yellow gum, which has got to be very cancerous for your body. You think he's worried about that? Huh?

You think he's worried about the cancer from the gum? Yeah, dude. The guy is a fucking legend, bro. He's definitely a legend. Shout out to John. Shout out to JB. Those are two guys that sent in some swaggy videos, bro. From the jump, too.

They get some great videos. Think about it. The wolf, the fucking houseboat, okay? Somebody cutting corners on a fucking houseboat. And then take a picture of this? Somebody glued part of a house. Someone glued a red door on a van so they could send it in for Chide My Ride? Well, this is the only show on the planet that's ran by fans through pictures, videos.

It's true, man. It's true, bro. And Snapchat, it's very dangerous. You don't want to get into it. It's a dirty hill to go down, dude. That'd be the dark arts of social media. I get threatened on there. I know there's some fake profiles of me.

I'm not on there. If you're getting dick pics, that's not real. That's not me. I've been threatened on it. Threatened on there. Yeah. I know there's some fake profiles of me. I'm not on there. If you're getting dick pics, that's not real. That's not me. I've been threatened on there, dude. And so I try to stay off it, man. Every now and then if I'm fucking reeling at night or something, I'll get on there, crack open two things, and it's real, real spooky. So I try to stay out there. It's basically like opening up your front door, and anybody could be out there.

It could be a bowl of soup. Pandora's box. It could be somebody's asshole. It could be somebody killing somebody. Somebody sent me a thing, killing their friend. What the fuck is this, man? And then it's on you to report. And then you put where?

Like at least put Tallahassee or fucking New York. Let's get chin on the case. So, I mean, I'm not reporting murders everywhere, but I don't have that kind of time. You know, I'm not calling 3,000 police departments. Nor should you. You feel me? Yeah, I feel you. Shout out to this dude, though.

I don't fuck with Snap either, brother. Gang, yeah. Stay off it, dude. Stick to what you know, bro. That's it, boys. That's it. That was a fun one, man. Good to be back in there, brother.

Love your shirt. You seem a little refreshed after Disneyland with the fam. Yeah, man. That's exactly what you needed, man. I feel pretty good. It was fun. We had a nice time. Good to see what's going on over there.

I like the swag. Yeah, thank you. It's very, very nice. It's a nice shirt. It's Polynesian, huh, Kat? Nope. Nope. Nope.

That's from the House of Birds. Mele Kaliki Maka is the place to be. Mele Kaliki is the place for me. Ka-ka. Ka-ka. We're going to be out, brother. We should get a bird in here. I'm in Las Vegas, man.

Friday night. This Friday? Oh, Saturday night. I'm in Sacramento and Las Vegas this Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. And, yeah, I have a bunch of dates. TheoVon.com slash tour, T-O-U-R. Get him. He's one of the best in the world.

I'm in Portland, Portland Helium this Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Oh, wow, fun. I know. I love that place. Portland Helium. I'm bringing my boy, Derek Post, in here. Chappelle is coming with me. Chappelle Lacey.

Wow, bro. Getting urban, huh? Gang, gang, black,appelle Lacey. Wow, bro. Getting urban, huh? Gang, gang. Black, black. What's up, bro? You're getting urban. Chappelle's so black. He's so black.

He is very, very black. What? So white. He's whiter than me. Oh, dude. He was a cheerleader. Cheerleader. Male cheerleader.

He was on Green Day, and he's like, fucking right, bro. Yeah, bro. He showed me a comic book he had the other day. Yeah, me too. I'm like, dude, take it down. I'm not. Yeah, bro. Brown showed me a comic book he had the other day. Yeah, me too. I'm like, dude, take it down. I'm not. Yeah, bro, brown it up a little. Brown it up.

You're fucking getting too. You're too white for me, bro. Too ivory, dog. I don't trust you, dude. Also, stay out of Hot Topic, Chappelle. Damn, bro. Wait for you, bro. Yeah, man.

So I'm in fucking Portland with them. And then after that, we got a show in the Ice House September. Houston, Denver. Get your tickets. I didn't get invited to that. Awesome, man. And, yep, we'll see you guys in the future. Thank you guys for supporting this podcast.

Gang, gang, buzz, buzz. We'll see you next time. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye.