The Golden Hour - Episode 34: No Buzzer

Starting point is 00:00:25 Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You want me to look? Oh, I thought I was too Top Gun. Are we shooting Top Gun 4 instead of Offset? Is that what we're doing? Yeah, we just got Offset of Top Gun 4. Dude, you honestly look like a blind guy that's athletic, kind of like wants to gamble. You do not look like Top Gun 4. I look like Top Gun 4, bro. Bro, you look like Bottom Gun Zero. That's what you look like. Oh, my God. I don't look like Bottom Gun 4, bro. Bro, you look like bottom gun zero.

Starting point is 00:00:48 Oh, my God. I don't look like bottom gun zero. Put them back on, dude. I don't want to wear them the whole time. Only assholes wear sunglasses inside and blind people. Yeah, keep them on. Yeah, dude. That's a Larry David joke. And look, is that a onesie you have on?

Starting point is 00:01:00 It's a romper, bro. It's Hot Girl Summer, bro. I'm also selling skinny T now on Instagram, and I got a blood ass. What's up, bro? You got a problem with the romper, dude? You know how long I've been searching for this thing? How about I wore it last night? I wore it last night to the comedy store.

Starting point is 00:01:19 And you know, whatever. Everyone has terrible fashions. I don't give a fuck. I don't think people are going to make fun of me. But we're all sitting back there, and then Bill Burr walks, and I I don't give a fuck. I don't think people are going to make fun of me. We're all sitting back there. Bill Burr walks in. I was like, oh, fuck. He just looks at me and goes, you look like a mechanic from a musical.

Starting point is 00:01:34 Thanks, dude. Thanks, bro. We were talking about it last night. We were talking about it last night. Yeah, Phantom of the Shopper-a. Phantom of the Body Shopper-a. Phantom of the Cock-ra. Phantom Phantom of the Shopper-a. Phantom of the Body... Phantom of the Cock-ra. Yeah, Phantom of the Body Shopper-a.

Starting point is 00:01:49 We were talking about it last night. They were talking about King this thing and us roasting each other. And they said, how do your friends, some random dude back there, said, how do your friends who roast you the worst? I went, oh, it's not even close, Theo, man. I said, he told me I look like the guy that makes smoothies for Drake. I mean, you can't beat that, man. What are you talking about?

Starting point is 00:02:11 And I hit the stage last night. I go, I know I look like a Nordstrom mechanic. I'm very aware of that. Dude. But I didn't give you credit for that. Okay, good. I was about to say, good. You're using my jokes on stage.

Starting point is 00:02:23 But I mean. I just can't believe you're dressed in a... I can't believe you're dressed like a job you probably never had. That's the worst part, dude. Is that dickies? No. Oh, buh-buh. No. If I'm going to wear it, it's not going to be dickies.

Starting point is 00:02:37 Dickies is nice. I'm not poor. I can't be wearing dickies. Poor. Dude, dickies. You mean hardworking. Blue collar pendant? Yeah,ies? Poor. Dude, Dickies? You mean hardworking? Blue collar pendant? Yeah, bro.

Starting point is 00:02:48 Damn. Bro, light blue collar is the best you would do, bro. Baby blue collar. You know, I was a janitor, though. My first job, I was a janitor, bro. Oh, what? Yeah, Albertsons. It's like, it'd be like Ralph's here.

Starting point is 00:03:02 Yeah, it's a grocery store. You don't know what Albertsons is. Is there Albertsons out here? No, but I know grocery store. You don't know what Albertson's is. Is there Albertson's out here? No, but I know shop. See, they don't know what we're talking about, bro. There's Albertson's everywhere. It's worldwide? Worldwide.

Starting point is 00:03:14 Nationwide. Worldwide. Mr. Albertson's worldwide. He thinks the planet ends at Florida. We're talking to a guy. There's no Albertson's in Florida, bro. Brendan limited maps over here, shop. He got a bad globe.

Starting point is 00:03:27 It has two continents on it. And one of the continents is a Dave and Buster's. But it just says Dave and Buster's on it. Bro, I wish you had your hair out, man. I have it out, bro. Did you get a haircut? Uh-uh. Washed my hair, though.

Starting point is 00:03:43 How expensive was it to buy the wig from Patrick Swayze when he passed? Was that expensive, dude? I got it at an estate auction. Okay? Hush. It's real. It's real. It is real, bro.

Starting point is 00:03:57 I feel like I haven't seen you in a while, man, when we do this show. I feel you, dude. How you doing, brother? Doing pretty good, man. Are you? Yep. Chilling. I got? Doing pretty good, man. Are you? Yep. Chilling. I got this new Rat King hitter right here.

Starting point is 00:04:07 You got the merch. I see you with the side hustle. Shuffling merch with your little twink on Instagram. Hey, can we get a different model? God. Look less thirsty, whoever that model is. He's all fucking buy it, man. He's fucking buy it.

Starting point is 00:04:21 Uh, uh. That little guy. I was like, oh my god, Theo, I don't want to buy this because I'm not a gay man. I know. Oh, it had definitely a gay aftertaste, bro. It looks like a souvenir from a fucking glory hole after I get

Starting point is 00:04:35 done, dude. I was like, I'll take one of those. Dude, everything you end up talking about has your wiener in it somehow. It's not my wiener, it's yours, bro. Well, somebody's wiener. Well, we'll not my wiener it's yours bro well somebody's somebody's well we'll say this dude yeah those some of those items definitely rather homeware rotting dude those the shorts we have you put them on and there's another dude in them some dude already wore them they smell like nuts yeah dude i can't believe uh i can't believe our

Starting point is 00:05:01 nuts last so long can you believe that what do you mean like our nuts for so long. Can you believe that? What do you mean? Like our nuts for our body. Yeah, and they get bigger over time, yeah? Your nuts get saggier over time. Don't ask them, bro. Oh, Derek got some bangers. Yeah, I believe Derek

Starting point is 00:05:20 has nuts. His nuts slap, bro. First of all, I'm not going from you. His nuts slap, bro. Yeah, that's great. That's how you know someone has big nuts. His nuts slap, bro. But first of all, I'm not going from you. His nuts slap, bro. Yeah, that's great. That's how you know someone has big nuts. When you go, his nuts slap. That's how you know that Derek's more than a friend to you if you know that his nuts slap. I know, dude.

Starting point is 00:05:34 I'm aware. I talked to his girl about busting nuts and slapping them. Every episode of this ends in a big bust fest, dude. Bro, the other day I walked out of here and slipped and hurt myself. This place has got to dry this room up, dude. Bro, the other day I walked out of here and slipped and hurt myself. This place has got to dry this room up, dude. You guys need to get Christ, too. And Derek should have some church in him.

Starting point is 00:05:51 Yeah, you could use a little church, D. A lot of these new brothers, bro, the Lord ain't in there. There ain't. They're just about busting nuts and gold chains. Yeah, dude, they're all Trinidad James or whatever that guy is, you know? What was his name? Gold all in my bra dude, they're all Trinidad James or whatever that guy is, you know? What was his name?

Starting point is 00:06:05 Gold all in my braids, you know? Gold all in my veins. I'm like, dude, you'll get mercury poisoning. Yeah, it doesn't make sense, does it? What was that? I know what you're talking about. I know what you're referring to. I think, what's his name?

Starting point is 00:06:18 Sean Kingston hit him with a damn jet ski or something. He killed him. How many guys has that fella killed? Dude, Sean Kingston. First of all. Is he even from the Bahamas? Or is he Jamaican? I don't know. Dude, they said he wasn't even Jamaican. He had a lisp, bro. Yeah, it was weird.

Starting point is 00:06:34 But he just really ran with the Jamaican theme, didn't he? What was Sean Kingston's number one hit? Huh? He had some bangers. Speaking of slapping nuts, he had some bangers. He had some bangers. Speaking of slapping nuts, he had some bangers. You guys are disgusting. What was Sean Kingston's number one hit?

Starting point is 00:06:52 Beautiful Girl. Yeah. Beautiful girl. Why you don't ever worry. Why does he look like Magic Johnson? Does he? Yeah, look at him. That's a young Magic Johnson.

Starting point is 00:07:06 Bro, he's tragic Johnson. He's tragic Johnson on a jet ski, dude. Jamaican Johnson. Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. Oh, he's a beautiful guy, bro. Look like he got stung by that Jamaican wasp, though, doesn't he? Do you think he can hoop or not?

Starting point is 00:07:18 Absolutely not. Him and Chappelle, the score would be 2-1. Really? In two hours. They couldn't even get through a game of horse. Good to be here. Good to see you guys, Derek and Kat. Good to see you, buddy.

Starting point is 00:07:29 Culture Corner. Yeah, what's happening over there? Oh, nothing, man. I did some Joe Rogan and friends last night. It was awesome. Oh, really? That was fun, huh? Dude, at one point, it's Attell, Bill Burr, Ali Wong.

Starting point is 00:07:40 Everybody's just in the green room. Fitzsimmons was telling stories about Patrice. It was just fucking and I'm in a romper really and I'm in a fucking romper not shocked bro I know you're not

Starting point is 00:07:50 yeah not shocked but I feel comfortable wearing around you huh I feel comfortable wearing this around you what

Starting point is 00:07:55 that sentence seemed like you got fucking caught up on a turn somewhere really nah bro you turned I was gonna back out but I just kept going

Starting point is 00:08:04 sometimes you gotta carry through bro thanks bro you feel me sweetie you back out but I just kept going sometimes you gotta carry through bro thanks bro you feel me sweetie to say dude sweetie to say you feel comfortable around me in that

Starting point is 00:08:10 Patrice O'Neal huh oh yeah Fitzsimmons cause you know him and him Joe and they all started in Boston

Starting point is 00:08:16 Fitzsimmons so he was telling this great Patrice O'Neal story Burr and Patrice were close oh Burr and Patrice close

Starting point is 00:08:21 Fitzsimmons and Patrice they started to open mics together damn he was telling some great stories I love Burr's take on, Fitzsimmons, and Patrice. They started to open mics together, bro. Damn. He was telling some great stories. I love Burr's take on Louis C.K. and just all that stuff, man. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:08:30 He's going hard in the paint in the green. Yeah. What did Patrice die of? Diabetes. Oh, damn. That's just not taking care of yourself, bro. Dude, hey, that's lazy, bro. That's lazy.

Starting point is 00:08:41 That's the most hack African-American death in the world. Diabetes. Come on, bro. That's world diabetes come on bro dude write your own death i know man because if you just if you just eat right you watch amy schumer die of it now in a couple of years she'll probably get her leg taken off in two years then she comes out as gay. Then she'll do a foot in my mouth tour where she has a cute foot in her mouth. A fake foot? With fucking mustard and ketchup on it.

Starting point is 00:09:15 Dang, man. Well, that's awesome, man. That's crazy. Yeah, being in that environment where there's so many just killers out there. Hit killers. They were beasts. That was awesome.

Starting point is 00:09:23 That's crazy. What if a missile would hit or something, you know? He lost half of that. Well, he still got Chappelle. As long as I don't kill Chappelle, you're good. Who, Chappelle Lacey? No, Dave Chappelle. Bill Burr, I think.

Starting point is 00:09:34 As long as nobody kills Bill Burr, you're good. I think Bill Burr's number one, yeah. Yeah. But at least you still have Chappelle. Yeah, Burr's number one to me by, yeah. Depend on your flavor. Chappelle, Bill Burr, Louis C.K., man. Those three.

Starting point is 00:09:48 First of all, how's the Amazon on fire? I thought it was a rainforest, dude. Yeah, I feel like fire's not going to travel that fast. Also, you're not getting my money. You guys could use a little less acai, you feel me? That's what I'm saying, man. If you guys would back off that cocaine over there. You'd be all right, bro.

Starting point is 00:10:04 Yeah, you'd realize that you can't burn down a rainforest, dude. You guys are coked up. You guys are coked up trying to burn down these goddamn water trees. Surfing all the goddamn time. No one's in jeopardy. Yeah, why don't I throw a couple of Aquafinas into the fireplace and start a real roaster? You can't fucking do it, okay? Liars over there.

Starting point is 00:10:24 I agree. I'm not buying it, dude. Dude, get me out of this bullshit. Show me a burning roaster. You can't fucking do it, okay? Liars over there. I agree. I'm not buying it, dude. Dude, get me out of this bullshit. Show me a burning tree frog. Get the fuck out of my face. Dude, climate warming, climate change. Pick one, bro. Global warming, global, you know. Dude, you don't think they want beaches in Alaska? Everybody's ready for their turn, brother. You don't think they're waiting for beachfront

Starting point is 00:10:40 property? That's what they're waiting for, you dummies. Bro, anchories. Those cabins turn into beachfronts. Bunch of thots out there in anchories walking up and down the beach. Talking about the polar bears are going to die. Yeah, those things are fucking a nightmare. They're going to die. We want them to die, dude.

Starting point is 00:10:54 They're going to die looking at big tits on the beach. That's right. They're going to die of sunscreen. Fucking poison. Yeah, have to drink it. Coca-Cola. Get the fuck out of here, bro. Those polar bears are always drinking Coca-Cola.

Starting point is 00:11:07 Yeah. Dude, those polar bears want to brown around a little. They want to be brown bears. You don't think they want to fucking take a little cruise to the States on one of those glaciers? Everyone's for global warming, bro. Well, I don't want a bunch of it, but I say a little every now and then. Yeah, a little melty melt.

Starting point is 00:11:23 Every couple thousand years, bro, heat it up. That's what I say. More water, the better, bro. Warm it up, Chris. I'm about to. Warm it up, Chris. That's what I was born to do. Warm it up, Chris.

Starting point is 00:11:34 I'm about to. That was the jam. Criss-cross. Make you jump, bitch. Good God, dude. Let's get into this. Global warming, bro. Why not?

Starting point is 00:11:44 Yeah. A little. Just a just all i'm saying is a tad heat it up a tad yeah let's warm it up pressure man makes diamonds quit being bitches yeah also polar bears kill everything yeah you think they're nice bears they show them having a soda and you know lounging around you know having a snow cone or something. Yeah, that ain't real, man. Making icies? That's all fucking White House propaganda. Go hang out with a black bear.

Starting point is 00:12:12 They're not funny either. Dude, they're over there. That's not a racist thing. They're smoking. They're doing diabetes. Playing dominoes. I don't trust them, dude. Hibernating, sleeping all the time.

Starting point is 00:12:26 Yeah. All right, man. That's trick daddy. Now it's everyone's favorite time. It's a commercial from King in the State. Bro. Yeah. The time is here.

Starting point is 00:12:36 It's football season. Oh, shit, dude. Antonio Brown is on the Raiders. I thought you had an infection. Nah, but I'm so crunk for football, dude. LeVon, Bell? You talking about Bell? It's Le'Veon. I call him L. Yeah, first of all. crunk for football, dude. LeVon, Bell? You talking about Bell? It's Le'Veon.

Starting point is 00:12:46 I call him L. Yeah, first of all. L. Bell. I call him L. Bell. Yeah, you can't just put a comma anywhere in your name, okay? It's kind of confusing. Yeah, it's kind of confusing, bro. There you go, dude.

Starting point is 00:12:57 Odell Beckham, the Browns. That's my team this year, by the way. Oh, yeah. Browns and the Raiders. Those are my two teams. I'm from Denver, so we'll take it easy. Listen. Ice Bear and the Mouse is a humorous homepage that promotes a new podcast.

Starting point is 00:13:07 Understated, but cool. The first thing we see is an eye-catching image of a bear on the left of the screen. On the right half, Elizabeth clearly indicates the name of her project. What's it about? An Instagram link and a contact email. And just below the fold, there's some brief but informative copy about the founders and their plans for ramping up the business. It's a fun and inviting homepage, one that generates interest in using visuals.

Starting point is 00:13:26 Nice. We'll review the best submissions from you in each of the next five episodes. In the sixth episode, we'll announce the grand prize winner of the Wix Business VIP Premier Plan, free for one year, a value of over $420. I know we have a lot of creative cats, viewers. Yeah, I can't wait to see them. I'm about to bust. Once again, the URL is wix.com slash go slash

Starting point is 00:13:51 cats. Submit your best homepage to wixlovescats at gmail.com. Dude, you're bust disgusting. Someone got to pay for Theo's haircut. You guys want to start it off? A little chide my ride? Chide my ride, baby. Up first, this is riley hobbs from berkeley california this is riley's gang shit watch too much national geographic apparently

Starting point is 00:14:11 truck look at them z's on the front right zebras in the front trump in the back oh wow oh it's a fuck Trump thing he's got. Yeah, you got it. You can miss me with the whole political shit, but I like the zebra shit. See, yeah. Yeah, the whole political stuff. You can't have that car and people aren't going to take you serious. So it doesn't matter what message you have on there.

Starting point is 00:14:39 Also, gluing all the zebras on the car. Let me guess. Single? Let me guess. Single? Let me guess. Single? Let me guess. You give all your money to the fucking National Wildlife Association who just steal it? Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:14:56 And buy hairspray? Yeah, they put that band on there. That's what they do with that shit, man. Well, dude, a lot of the cats, they're giving them pills and stuff in Japan. And if you haven't seen any of those, a lot of the animals, I think we talked about it, they got tongue out the mouth. They can't see or anything. Yeah, their vision's going all fucked up.

Starting point is 00:15:10 And the Chinese are over there doing photos with them. Yeah, they are, man. They're fucking giving the tigers NyQuil and shit. And look at these zebras, bro. Bro, also, chill out on the zebras. Look at the goddamn garage. Oh, yeah. The zebras aren't endangered, man.

Starting point is 00:15:24 Matter of fact, we should kill more of these goddamn zebras. Dude, turn on National Geographic. They're everywhere, bro. Yeah, the lines are like, dude, give us a fucking break here. They're impossible to kill. You can't see them. And it's, yeah. How can you see them?

Starting point is 00:15:44 Are you colorblind? It depends. It depends, bro. That's and they're can't you see them are you colorblind it depends that's why they're not that's why they have stripes that's why they have stripes bro they're hard to see in nature oh did you know that uh i know you're trying to convince me of it right now okay dude i watched planet earth seasons one and two, so suck my dick. Oh, whatever, bro. Suck this spotted zebra dick, bro. I want to see Planet Earth after this climate change, baby. That's what I want to see, bro. Me too, a.k.a. Waterworld 2, baby.

Starting point is 00:16:14 Buzz, buzz, water, water. That's the real Planet Earth. I want to see just a couple of motherfuckers smoking cigarettes out there on a pyramid, and that's it. Me too, the smart ones. With gills, bro. The last animal's a cricket Me too, the smart ones. With gills, bro. The last animal's a cricket. Yeah, just a cricket.

Starting point is 00:16:31 Or a baby elephant using that fucking tusk as a snorkel, bro. Using that tusk as a straight smoking rocks in that bitch. Like the one in those four by four land cruisers to snorkel, baby.

Starting point is 00:16:42 Just fucking cooking buds on the end of that thing, man. I can't believe more... They don't have more elephants smoking dope, bro. Yeah, I agree. Put a screen in the end of that snout and just cook a big gram on there. Bro, that's a brilliant idea. Then just see him

Starting point is 00:16:57 fucking wig the fuck out in Africa. Rawr! What if he just started playing the trumpet out of his fucking test? I broke your dick. Just a rave? All the elephants are like, oh shit, here we go. Here we go.

Starting point is 00:17:16 The ears are like this. Elephants on meth, dude. Try it out. Don't knock it till you try it. Also, listen, again, there's too many zebras. The other thing is, why don't we own more zebras? Why don't we domesticate zebras, dude? They look cool.

Starting point is 00:17:29 You could ride them. They're wild as fuck. Are they rideable? Have you ever seen anyone ride a zebra? No. You can ride a Datsun. We used to have a little small boy bus who was real strong, and he would ride one of those. Wiener dogs?

Starting point is 00:17:43 No, I think it was like an Australian Shepherd. Yeah, if they're strong enough. I mean, these are pretty strong, man. Australian shepherd, they came all the way from fucking Australia. Yeah, you're right. They made it. You ain't getting no weak-ass little, you know.

Starting point is 00:17:55 Yeah, the weak ones died. Well, some of them, you know what I'm saying? You don't see like a... You don't see like an Egyptian dog over here. Because them bitches can't make it. There are Egyptian cats, though, you know? Hey, this lady with the whole zebra thing. This a man, huh?

Starting point is 00:18:15 Is this a dude? This is a Riley. Riley's probably a dude. Well, it could be either one. Dude, balding, lives in sweats. All the money goes to National Geographic Association, bust nuts to zebras. You can't wait for the next documentary to come out. I'll tell you this, Joe.

Starting point is 00:18:31 I'm going to hunt this car and eat it. I know that. 100%. And then post a picture on Instagram of how tasty it is. Bro, Cameron Haynes would grill the back seat of this fucking car and eat that bitch. Yeah, he really would. So you got some real hitters, bro. I think, yeah, dude, I think, yeah, be safe out there.

Starting point is 00:18:49 If you find a chick that'll bang in the back of this, dude. You got to keep her, dude. You got to keep her quiet, bro, because it's the same kind of chick that's probably going to file a lawsuit against you. A Me Too movement. Yeah, just because. Against you and the Zebras. A lot of chicks won't even fuck unless there's a Me Too at the end of it, especially in San Francisco. No, you ain't lying.

Starting point is 00:19:05 Yeah, good luck out there, buddy. Yeah, shout out to Zebras. Yeah lot of chicks won't even fuck unless there's a me too at the end of it, especially in San Francisco. you ain't lying. Yeah, good luck out there, buddy. Yeah, shout out to Zebras. Hopefully we helped. Oh, good.

Starting point is 00:19:10 Up next, what's he looking for? Relationship advice? No, that was just his, she wanted his ride chided. That's all. Chide my ride?

Starting point is 00:19:16 Yeah. Up next, this is Brandon sending in Willis's Jeep, his Uncle Willis's Jeep. Goddamn, Willis. 1958.

Starting point is 00:19:24 Trying to get that, trying to be an extra in Mad Max 2, I feel you, bro. Uncle Willis' Jeep. His Uncle Willis' Jeep. Goddamn, Willis. 1958. Trying to be an extra in Mad Max 2, I feel you, bro. Now, Uncle Willis' Jeep will beat the fuck out of that first vehicle. Yeah, well. That's for sure, dude. This thing's frosty, dude. This thing probably runs on straight up hard wieners, bro. This thing runs on testosterone. Fuck it, that thing is dope.

Starting point is 00:19:42 Bro, this thing probably runs on DECA 200, bro. Yeah, you ain't lying, bro. Find this thing parked out front of a gold gym, most likely. I bet the seats smell like Winstraw, bro. This thing is ripped. He spent the last five years building this bad boy himself. This is a picture

Starting point is 00:20:00 right here where the transmission blew out. Oh, this guy's wife is missing. I know that, bro, because if you have that much time to build this, this guy's wife is missing. I know that bro. Because if you have that much time to build this dude, your wife is missing. Something's going on. You're compensating for something. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:20:11 Well, she probably, Oh, he's always like, yeah, she went to the stream to get water and we haven't seen her in a couple of years. She'll be back though.

Starting point is 00:20:18 Yeah, sure. She'll be back. Sure. Willis. Sure. Willis. She's in the garage,

Starting point is 00:20:24 bro. I've seen forensic files. She's in the garage, bro. I've seen forensic files. She's in the garage, bro. I'm guessing this thing has no radio. None of that shit. This is just a nitty gritty Mad Max style. This dude probably got some 22-inch Python arms. No sleeves ever.

Starting point is 00:20:42 Jeans shorts. Probably got his little twink in the other fucking shotgun, and they're just road tripping and sucking, bro. Floor it. Floor it, Willie. Floor it, Willis. Yeah. Hit it, Willie.

Starting point is 00:20:56 Hit it, Willie. Fuck yeah. What else do we got? Oh, God. Up next, this is Chris. He's sending in his neighbor's car from Van Nuys. This is Chris. Fuck yeah, boy.

Starting point is 00:21:07 Hell yeah. And this, I think this car is more of an Asian vibe. And let's go to Kat on this. You think Asian? A little. What do you think, Kat? I don't know what it is, honestly. What's Asian about it, too?

Starting point is 00:21:22 Yeah, I don't see it Asian. I think just like the, it's kind of a little bit lower. It feels like. Those rims are Asian-y. Yeah, it feels like there's a plan that it's almost done. It's like a work in progress. Oh, to me, it feels like a white dude who really likes Asian girls. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:40 Yeah, he's signaling to them. Like he's trying to be Asian secretly, but on the low. Yeah. Or it's little bow-wows. He's just fell on hard times. He's just trying to get recognized from Fast and Furious. Or just little bow. Little bow.

Starting point is 00:21:53 Some guy who likes Asians, you know? Yeah, you're right. A black guy who likes Asians, little bow. Little bow, and he just hangs out in front of karate schools, trying to pick up the young chicks. Yeah, bro. Selling blue belts out of his fucking trunk? You want to get high-yah?

Starting point is 00:22:10 High-yah, girl. Mr. High-yah, your girl. Yeah, and this is a Ford Taurus, is it? No, there ain't no Taurus, is it? There ain't nothing Asian about a Taurus. It looks like a Camry. Dude, yeah, there was always white dudes that wanted to be black when I was growing up. Always drove Ford Tauruses, I feel like.

Starting point is 00:22:29 White dudes who wanted to be black. Yeah, that's fair. Or Eclipse. That was another car that was pretty popular. Yeah, Eclipse were popping when we were growing up, dude. What else? The LeSabre's always kind of been there. LeSabre.

Starting point is 00:22:44 The Cadillac. That was for a dude who had, that family had a little bit of money though. If they got the white. Oh, you're balling. Yeah. Or you got that PT Cruiser for a little bit. Oh, that was tough.

Starting point is 00:22:54 I think it was Adam's family vibes. That was a creepy ride as a kid, man. Yeah, bro. I'm trying to figure out what this logo is on the side here, man. This guy trying to market some business. Not doing very well. It's tough in the streets, bro. What was his name?

Starting point is 00:23:13 This is Chris's neighbor's car. This is his next door neighbor. His neighbor might be a fucking one of those real life superheroes, too, you know? Look at that. But here now, look at the rim on that. Look at that, what they call it, the rice rim or something on the back. What's that thing at the top, though? That sprawler.

Starting point is 00:23:26 Oh, I didn't even see that, bro. That's what I'm saying. I think that's why I came in a little bit, you know, 60% VF. Yeah. This thing smells like fucking sesame chicken. You know what I'm saying? This thing smells like egg rolls. Oh, yeah, bro.

Starting point is 00:23:45 Yeah, this guy definitely has a little bit of General Tso's in the trunk. A little sweet and sour at the back, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, let me see the whole vehicle. And look how the door. I didn't even see that. Yeah, that thing is fast and furious. Use your eyes, bro. This is Vin Diesel, dude.

Starting point is 00:24:01 Hard to see out of that fucking tight-ass onesie, huh? Yeah, it's cutting off the circulation bro it ain't cutting off the circulation though that shit is dude you're a fucking bro you would definitely be the first guy to get fucked at a sherwin williams right now but what i want to know is what about this bro you got a little red the handles what if the handles match that thing match the yeah it seems like

Starting point is 00:24:29 it's a project for him and he's just he's trying to get to it you know he's going to Pep Boys once every three four weeks buying parts

Starting point is 00:24:36 buying paints and it's a project that's what's going on here this looks like Tyrese's car from Fast and Furious remember when Tyrese needed money it was like begging

Starting point is 00:24:43 Will Smith on Instagram yeah that shit was hilarious he was like melting really yeah his car from Fast and Furious. Remember when Tyrese needed money? He was begging Will Smith on Instagram. That shit was hilarious. He was melting. Really? Yeah. I need my fucking money, bro. And then Will Smith gave him money.

Starting point is 00:24:53 Damn. Yeah, it was great. Remember when What's-His-Name was eating Vaseline that time on YouTube? He was having a tough time. Stephon Marbury. Oh, God. He was eating Vaseline? Yeah, he lost his mind. Who do you think it was?

Starting point is 00:25:01 Amanda. It could have been Latrell Spring. It was Amanda Bynes was eating? I don't know. I don't want to think about that. She wasn't doing well. But this is, yeah, this looks like whoever is like the Ulysses S. Grant or the people that are storming Area 51, this looks like that guy.

Starting point is 00:25:15 Yeah, this is that guy. Yeah. Up next, debate club. Up first, Ja Crispy Savage. Ja Crispy? I'm already liking this. Bro, I know them. I'm Randy liking this. Bro, I know them. I'm Randy?

Starting point is 00:25:27 Hey, brothers. I'm Randy, too. Yeah. I got a debate club question for you. Why are they both Randy? You were in a prison situation. You had no other option. What would you choose?

Starting point is 00:25:37 Ketchup or mustard? Gang, gang. Oh, and they cut it off where he said buzz, buzz. Oh, he was about to get to the buzz. And he didn't. Very unique. I like that. He went, boop.

Starting point is 00:25:50 The mystery finished there. The mystery. Who knows how this thing ends? Are they still alive? Theo, are these family members of yours? What's going on here? That Amelia Earhart finish right there, bro. We don't know what happened, you know?

Starting point is 00:26:03 I met them in Atlanta after the show. Dressed like this? Dressed exactly like that. Wow. So they wear this all the time. Wow. And they are, I thought it was lesbians, bro, from far away, because I remember seeing, they were in the distance to the audience.

Starting point is 00:26:16 That's fair. And then I met them after the show, man, they were really, really cool. I was just exhausted. I wanted to engage with them a little bit more. I would say, most of my life I do ketchup, but I'll go mustard now. I will actually get mustard and put honey in it, and put real honey

Starting point is 00:26:32 in it. Also known as honey mustard. Jesus Christ, bro. Yeah, Brendan. Welcome to 2019. You're breaking news here. Good God. What I like to do is pretty unheard of.

Starting point is 00:26:48 I take mustard. I put honey in it. You guys should really try it out. Honey mustard. Anyways, I'm also a fan of yellow mustard because as a keto kid here, that's how I'm wearing this romper. Keto kid, mustard,

Starting point is 00:27:04 no sugar, ketchup, a lot of sugar. Keto kid. Mustard. No sugar. Ketchup. A lot of sugar. Also, a little fact for your dumb ass. Wow. Dude, honey mustard? Brendan gets an idea. First of all, you can see how. An idea?

Starting point is 00:27:13 You just act like you solved the world's problems because you invented honey mustard. Just because your mom didn't give it to you as a kid. I put in the work, Brendan. I mix honey and mustard. I don't buy them already mixed like some loser. That's what I'm saying. Do the work, okay? Don't just dress like it.

Starting point is 00:27:30 Right, onesie fucking McGillicuddy over there? Where's your broom at, big daddy, huh? Dude. Dress like you fucking work and don't work, bro. Hey, what time are the SATs? Why are you dressed like this? You have a backwards hat and matching sweats, bro. Because, dude. Also, are you

Starting point is 00:27:47 The Rock? Why are you wearing your own merch? I'm sorry, are you Michael Jordan? Why are you wearing your own merch? What kind of dick wears his own merch? Bro, whose merch are you wearing, dude? Jared Leto's. Okay, well.

Starting point is 00:28:03 Yeah, wear your own, bro. All right, rock. Keep wearing your own shit. First of all, Chris D'Elia stole his fucking eye thing from The Rock, and let's say that shit right here. You're talking about the eyebrow lift? Yeah, whatever that is, bro. And you haven't stole from Patrick Swayze in Dog the Bounty Hunter?

Starting point is 00:28:21 No one says anything about that. Bro, saw Dog the Bounty Hunter at the airport. Did I tell you that? Yeah, you did. Okay, sorry. Twice now. UFCT, whatever. Wow.

Starting point is 00:28:29 Okay, now you know what it's like to spend time with you, Brendan, okay? Brendan, who has a new idea that's the same idea over and over again. Dude, you just told me you invented honey mustard. No, I said it to you. Everyone went, huh? Do you know what else I like to do? I like to take water and I put flavoring in there, dude, and a little sugar. I call it Kool-Aid.

Starting point is 00:28:52 God, you got to live, bro. You got to quit wearing your own merch and just get out of your circle, dude. You and that little twink filling each other up. A couple of buckle bunnies trying to slang merch on the side. Get your life together, bro. We're doing our best! Okay? Hey, go slang fucking honey mustard

Starting point is 00:29:12 at a fucking NASCAR glory hole, bro. You little fucking NASCAR buckle bunny. Bro, you look like a fucking dude who will not retire from Spencer's, bro. That's who you look like. You look like a fucking... You look like somebody who definitely, who's worked at Abercrombie and Fitch out front of the store greeting people for 30 years, bro.

Starting point is 00:29:32 Since I was 14, I did have that job. You know what catch up was? Getting to before fucking Einstein McGee over here thought he developed honey mustard. Bro, here's another one. I think I'll call it Dijon, and it's going to be kind of fancy, a little spicy too. You know what I'm saying? He thinks Einstein, McGee. He thinks Einstein was Einstein's first name.

Starting point is 00:29:54 That's the best part of this whole thing. It's Harold Einstein, you idiot. You're an idiot. What were you going to say about ketchup? There's a lot of bugs in ketchup. If you look up the stats, how many dead bugs are in ketchup? Every bottle of ketchup, it's like 30 insects. In the factories, all these bugs get in the stuff.

Starting point is 00:30:12 It's just, it's fast. What factories, dude? Look it up. They can't. It's just flies and shit. They can't prevent it. They get into the mix. No, they can definitely prevent it.

Starting point is 00:30:20 I promise you. They can prevent it. Look at Derek's looking it up. This is Food and Drug Administration. Quite a few. Tomato worms, flies, beetles, spiders, and rat hair are just a few added ingredients. Gang, boy, I'm in that bitch. Rat hair, son.

Starting point is 00:30:39 That's right, son. You fucking get what you ask for. How did you not pick ketchup, bro? Huh? Why would you like ketchup more than mustard then if you got some rat in there i don't like ketchup because it just doesn't it doesn't even sweet bro yeah it doesn't even taste like tomato anymore it's overwhelming dumb red yeah it tastes like big red depending where you get it yeah it tastes old-fashioned like at a certain point i'm not like it's just from the past it's like we got to evolve into new sauces

Starting point is 00:31:02 bro i'm about that zatziki bro oh you're talking about that tzatziki, bro. Oh, you're talking about that tzatziki? Tzatziki is how you pronounce it, dude. I'm talking about a little hummus. Ugh, that's not a sauce, bro. I know, I'm just saying I like hummus. Tzatziki is also a yogurt, bro. It's hummus, dude. Hummus.

Starting point is 00:31:20 Dude, I hang out with an Indian on the road. It's hummus. His name's Dangerous Brown. I fucking met his little ass, bro. Be cool, man. And you know what? He's missing. I met his little bombing ass.

Starting point is 00:31:31 I think he's gone AWOL. I think he's converted. What else we got, dude? I'm going to go with mustard. Most people didn't pick ketchup. This is obvious. 69% though. It was a little close.

Starting point is 00:31:41 Oh, wow. 69% picked ketchup? That's the thing. It's easy. It's standard. Kat, what do you guys? You guys are doing new sauces. Give us an little close. Oh, wow. 69% pick ketchup? Mm-hmm. That's the thing. It's easy. Kat, what do you guys? You guys are doing new sauces. Give us an update. Kat, hold on.

Starting point is 00:31:50 I'm not being racist. Asians like mustard, right? Like a spicy mustard. Chinese people do. Yep. You got one. Dude, Chinese, basically, let's be honest, bro. They own the nation.

Starting point is 00:31:59 They call them jaundiced brothers, dude. Okay? Chinese are really the black people of Asia. Is that true? Be Filipinos. Yeah. I can see that. I feel like Filipinos are the Mexicans of Asians.

Starting point is 00:32:10 Yeah. So there's a lot of them and they work really hard? Yes. Yeah. Very family oriented. Very family oriented. The smiling people they call Filipinos a lot of times. I've never met a mean Filipino.

Starting point is 00:32:19 Really? Mm-mm. That's a dick Chinese. It's a Filamino too. They call them that. Really? Boom. Roasted. Roasted. Call meino, too. They call them that. Really? Boom. Roasted.

Starting point is 00:32:26 Roasted. Call me Ben Askren. You like mustard, though, Kat? Mm. Damn, bro. This is like Brendan hitting on a girl. This is a fucking, uh, you like mustard? Bah.

Starting point is 00:32:37 This is my impression of Theo hitting on an Asian girl. Hey, I got this new thing you should try. I take honey. I take the mustard. You're going to have to sign this NDA. I call it honey mustard. Yeah, and they love it. What do you got? What sauces are you guys using over there, Kat? I know you guys have very unique sauces.

Starting point is 00:32:54 Oh, sriracha. Okay. That Vietnamese hot sauce. I like sriracha. Is that what that is? Yeah. It's for pho. There's a lot of sugar in that too, you know that? Yeah. Sriracha. Yeah, if you're a straight pussy, dude, I'll fucking put, I'll hide a couple of nerd ropes in my asshole, you pussy put one of those red vines up your dickhole dude i ain't no hoe son you know what i'm saying bro yeah dude i'll fucking put four packs of fucking uh splint under my tongue and take a nap you motherfuckers yeah that's cool bro you're

Starting point is 00:33:18 aggressive with it man you're aggressive boy i put two quarts of honey in my asshole boy you know what i'm saying and go for a run, dude. Backwards. That's sticky hitter, bro. Y'all ain't shit, bro. That's sticky hitter, dude. That's what I'm saying. Y'all afraid of a little fucking sugar, bro?

Starting point is 00:33:32 All right, dude. Damn, bro. You afraid of a little sucrose big dog? You never had some Pop Rocks in your dick hole? Damn, bro. That's what I'm saying. Live a little, bitch. You know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 00:33:44 Ever played nerds in your dick hole? Dude, I like nerds. I'll fuck your teeth up, bro. That's what I'm saying. Live a little, bitch. You know what I'm saying? Ever put nerds in your dick hole? Dude, I like nerds. I'll fuck your teeth up, though. Sprees, bro. Dude. Dude, runt. So good. Holler.

Starting point is 00:33:55 The strawberry runt? So good. Why not just make all strawberries, though? Because banana. People love the banana, too. I like banana and strawberry. Get that lime out of my fucking face, bro. Really?

Starting point is 00:34:04 You like the lime? Sometimes when I feel like I got to fucking change it up, I'll get a lime one. But the bananas, boy. I like the bananas myself. I like the grape ones, too. You guys like the grape ones? Yeah, grape. Well, yeah, dude.

Starting point is 00:34:17 Derek. See, I wasn't going to go there. That's why I said you guys. Yeah. Because as soon as I went on it, black guy grape, bro. Because you got to go for the kill, bro. That's the way my brain worked, bro. You got to go for the kill.

Starting point is 00:34:26 That's too obvious for the kill, dude. You're right. Sorry, Darren. It's okay, bud. What else you got? Up next is our homie from Ireland. Hey, what else are you going to invent next, Theo? Barbecue sauce?

Starting point is 00:34:38 Gang, gang, buzz, buzz. I'm going to miss you in fucking Dublin, Theo. But congratulations on your movie, bro. Anyway. Thanks, man. Who are we going a fight, Tommy Lee Jones or Harrison Ford? That happened. It's called The Fugitive. Harrison Ford won. He jumped out of the goddamn waterfall.

Starting point is 00:34:58 He goes, I didn't do it. Tommy Lee goes, I don't care. And he jumps. Really? Yeah. Harrison Ford for the win. It's also Harrison Ford. Tommy Lee goes, I don't care. And then he jumps. Really? Yeah. Harrison Ford for the win. It's also Harrison Ford.

Starting point is 00:35:09 Dude, Indiana Jones? What has Tommy Lee Jones done that he thinks impressive? Men in Black? What else? Tommy Lee Jones? Harrison Ford? Come on, bro. Tommy Lee Jones, that's his name? Yes.

Starting point is 00:35:24 Tommy Lee Jones. He's not a boxer. No, he's an actor from Men in Black. He's Jones, that's his name? Yes. Tommy Lee Jones. He's not a boxer. No, he's an actor from Men in Black. He's the guy that shot Abe Lincoln. Harrison Ford's a senior citizen, dude. Dude, Tommy Lee Jones is older. Is he?

Starting point is 00:35:35 Yeah, and he has pizza face. What is Tommy Lee Jones? Can you bring it up? No Country for Old Men is one of his big ones. Wow. Can you do something else? That's not ringing a bell. Amen, Ed Milkshake. There's a movie where he's a cheerleading coach with Cedric the Entertainer.

Starting point is 00:35:44 Yeah. How dare you? How dare you? Mean Girls? Not Mean Girls. Bring it on. Game and add milkshake. There's a movie where he's a cheerleading coach with Cedric the Entertainer. How dare you? How dare you? Mean girls? Not mean girls, but I think it's something like that. Oh, bring it on. Close. It's something like that.

Starting point is 00:35:49 A buddy of mine's mom banged Sinbad a long time ago. Let me see Tommy Lee Jones. He's from Denver. I'm surprised my mom didn't. Yeah. It's Sinbad, bro. It's Sinbad. And he claps.

Starting point is 00:36:01 Dude, Tommy Lee Jones got nuts under his eyes. Dude, here's the thing about Harrison Ford, bro. Look at his eyes, dude. That's how you're going to look, Theo. Those are glasses on he has, and those are the rims of them near the base of his face. No, they're not, dude. Those are his eyes. Well, Derek never zooms on anything, so we have no idea what things are.

Starting point is 00:36:19 Yeah, glasses. Yeah, zoom in, though. There's nuts under his eyes, dude. Glasses are not. They're the bottom reflection of glasses. Nobody has nuts under their eyes, dude, unless they were in a fire and they do it on purpose. He looks like that tattoo somebody got of you. That guy looks a little bit like me.

Starting point is 00:36:40 Yeah, he does. He doesn't be similar. But what's his big move? Bring up his credit. We're missing a big one because Tommy Lee Jones is one of the biggest actors in the world. The Fugitive Standard. Yeah, man. I'm sorry I'm not going to be there in Ireland, but I'll come see you in January.

Starting point is 00:36:54 We're going to reschedule for January. And I'm going to say this. Your boy's out there next April. Are you? Buzz, buzz. Ooh, Batman Forever. He was the Joker. He was Two-Face in that.

Starting point is 00:37:04 No, he's Two-Face in that, bro. Yeah, he is. I'll take care of some. Ooh, Batman Forever. He was the Joker. He was Two-Face in that. No, he's Two-Face in that, bro. Yeah, he is. I'll take Harrison Ford. Oh, Blown Away. He's amazing in Blown Away. Under Siege. JFK. JFK is a good one.

Starting point is 00:37:15 Dude, he had the fucking hit. I like Good Will Hunting, bro. But I'm going to say. Yeah, they're cool. I don't know who would win, dude. A couple old guys fighting. If they're fighting in real life or their characters are fighting. Whoever's assholes don't blow out when they square up. I don't know who would win, dude. A couple old guys fighting. If they're fighting in real life, are their characters fighting? Whoever's assholes don't blow out when they square up.

Starting point is 00:37:28 You know what I'm saying? At that age, what are you going to do, bro? Yeah. They shouldn't be fighting. Yeah. I think if you really want them to fight, man, I would watch them fight. But, God, it's going to be. I wouldn't watch them up close.

Starting point is 00:37:40 I'd watch them far away. Yeah. And also, Harrison Ford, pretty old. He's, like, crashing planes all the goddamn time. I heard he's high 24-7. Yeah, they say he definitely prefers a little bit of that. Smokes the reefer, gets in his private plane and crashes. Look, I'd say Harrison Ford, bro. If you like to drink

Starting point is 00:37:53 and fly planes, dude, that sounds like the most Irish thing I've ever heard in my life, dog. Also, he's Indiana Jones, bro. Yeah. Come on. Bro, yeah, and he's crashing planes, dude. He's living his life, bro. Oh, he's also in the original Star Wars, dude. Bro, yeah. And he's crashing planes, dude. He's living his life, bro. Oh, he's also in the original Star Wars, dude. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:38:09 Yeah. What are we even talking about? Yeah, what are we talking about? He's been to space. Yeah. What are we talking about? Here's some Fort Altgutting. Gang, bro.

Starting point is 00:38:15 What people pick. 65% Harrison. It's closer than I thought. Yeah, that is close. And God bless Ireland, dude. And God bless Scotland, dude. Time to pay the bills. You ever buy something online, Brandon?

Starting point is 00:38:25 I mean, yeah, all the time, dude. Okay, cool. But you find out later and that you had a, they had a discount that you missed. Yeah, bro. Yeah. It's annoying. You ever buy like a little dragon statue and then you're like, oh dang, could have got this for six bucks. Got it for 19. Yeah, buy lava lamps for a hundred dollars. Then find out they're a lot cheaper down the road, bro. There's one right behind you for free, man. Oh, what? But Honey is a free browser add-on that finds you the best deals online. I don't have to worry about missing a deal anymore? It's that last moment before you click buy, you click Honey. It builds right in your browser.

Starting point is 00:38:56 It's right there on your, like if you're using Firefox or Chrome or whatever. It's built in. It's right there on the bar, and you're like, oh, boom, let me see if there's a better place I can get this. I shop like normal, and then Honey handles the rest? Yep, if you're going to buy, like I bought some new AirPods the other day. I thought it was going to be $219. Wrong. Get Honey, boom, it's like, oh, you can save 16% over here.

Starting point is 00:39:14 Talk about a sweet deal. Oh, drip. We're not talking about robbing the bees. Drip. Drip, drip. So I saved, I think, maybe $44 or something using Honey, man. And it's just because I wasn't thinking. Honey kind of, it does a little bit of extra thinking for you.

Starting point is 00:39:26 Hold up, Honey saved 10 million members an average of 28 bucks. That's crazy, man. That's a lot of money. Honey members have already saved more than $800 million overall. It has 100,000 five-star reviews on the Google Chrome store. Here's the thing. It's free. Yep.

Starting point is 00:39:43 Two clicks to install. It's free. Yep. Think about saving money. Yeah. there's no reason not to use honey it's free to use easy install and on your computer just two clicks so shop with confidence get honey for free and join honey.com slash cats yep that's join honey.com slash k-a-t-s j-o-i-n-h-O-N-E-Y.com slash K-A-T-S. The smart shopping assistant that saves you time and money when you're shopping online. Knock, knock. Who's there?

Starting point is 00:40:14 Patheon Brendan. All right, boys. Ready for a little relationship advice? Let's help people, dude. It's what we do best. Is it? I think so, man. You're right, actually, bro.

Starting point is 00:40:23 We're doing all right. This is from Aiden. This is from Aiden. This is from Aiden from Georgia. Another Moby. What's good? Brendan, Theo, gang gang, buzz buzz, relationship advice. I was into this girl who I found out was a lesbian, and it kind of sucked. Typical.

Starting point is 00:40:41 Things didn't work out. And then ever since then, every girl i've been into i find out they're a lesbian like no matter what i didn't even know that many lesbians existed but i'm an art student you know these girls are like not kind of butch but you know weird hair colors weird clothing maybe experimental socialism i guess it's my type but yeah ever since then it's been lesbians left and right and i don't know what to do man help me break this curse i see what's going on here. Lesbians to the left. Lesbians to the right.

Starting point is 00:41:08 Listen, quit hitting on girls with the same haircut as Theo. That's your problem. The other thing is do you think that maybe they're lying to you because it's just not into you? If it keeps happening, they might be lying dude. They don't hurt your feelings. Look man, here's the thing. You're barking up the wrong tree.

Starting point is 00:41:23 A lot of lesbianism out there these days and a lot of women that don't even know if they man here's barking up the wrong tree a lot of lesbianism out there these days and a lot of women that don't even know if they are lesbians but have just been you know listening to chelsea handler too much so you got a lot of like misplaced you know sexual identity going on it's so hot to be gay right now yeah and it's also it's also hot to just be an angry lady who doesn't ever use her vagina for any joy get on twitter and hate on or to have children yeah you're right. Just to like accuse people of crimes that happened inside of it.

Starting point is 00:41:49 But I'm saying this, brother. If you're at an art school, dude, look, if a lady has more than, if she has a bunch of paint in her backpack, dude, she's probably a lesbian, bro. Dude, if she's rolling her jeans up and she has some Doc Martens on and black fucking nail polish, she's sucking tits up and she has some doc martens on and black fucking nail

Starting point is 00:42:05 polish she's sucking tits you know what i'm saying this is easy to figure out bro bro this is no sherlock holmes situation yeah analyze what's going on bro she has some jinkos with a couple of fucking uh with more than one key chain on it dog, if she has a Green Day shirt on, probably sucking tits, bro. Yeah. If she sees you with a hot chick and fucking goes like this. And a lot of those women are angry, man.

Starting point is 00:42:38 A lot of them are angry. And so I think, but if you're taking a girl out to a date and she like, how do you know if a girl's a lesbian when you take her out? What do you guys think? If she offers to change the tire and pay for the meal and do everything the dude does and fuck you at the end of the meal, probably.

Starting point is 00:42:52 That might be wifey. That might be wifey though. You know what I'm saying? That might be wifey for some. That sounds horrible to having to fuck on a full stomach. Oh no. You take me for a pasta dinner and then I get a fuck? Oh my God.

Starting point is 00:43:06 Goddamn girl. Bro, I'll fuck on a Saturday morning and that's it, brother. Empty stomach. Empty stomach. After a run, catch me then or catch me next life. Yeah. I'm that reincarnation cock, honey. You can catch me next time.

Starting point is 00:43:20 Don't feed me a whole cheese pizza and expect me to lay it down. Yeah, bro. Or slap it like Derek. It ain't happening, bro. Don't feed me a cheese cheese pizza and expect me to lay it down. Yeah, bro. Or slap it like Derek. It ain't happening, bro. Don't feed me a cheese pizza and call me Big Randy. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, don't feed me a foot-long sub and expect my foot long. It ain't happening, bro.

Starting point is 00:43:36 I got a full stomach. You feel me? Yeah. Barely feel you. Let's go. What were you going to say, Cat? How do you know if she sucks pussy or not? Well, first of all, we don't say pussy on here.

Starting point is 00:43:48 What do we say? Huh? You already said tits and that was good. People got it. Tits were good. Alright. Why do you want to emphasize the cat? I don't know. It's hard. People know. It's hot girl summer right now. People are doing whatever they want. Hot girl summer. I got a romper on. Maybe he should hook up with a lesbian chick and see if she goes straight afterwards you know he's just switching them he can't though i think he keeps taking women

Starting point is 00:44:09 out he's basically lesbians they're not like gay dudes like they're not even gonna fuck with a dick dude if every girl you take out is just a lesbian and you're at the it sounds like you might just be um which one of the people that shows you around school at the beginning of school when you get there an ra no it's um it's kind of like that but it's school at the beginning of school when you get there? An RA? No. It's kind of like that, but it's like, remember you come to school a few days early and they show you around? Yeah, and they show you around. Orientation. Yeah. You might just be, do you work for the orientation group?

Starting point is 00:44:35 That's what it sounds like. Are you new to campus? What's going on? You think you're trying to fuck everybody and they're just not into it? And dude, if you're taking a lesbian out, bro, you need to also, I would get a female wig on. Yeah, I would try and run the threesome game. You know what I'm saying? He can't get a onesome, dude.

Starting point is 00:44:52 Yeah, but if she's into other girls, you're like, dude, let's toss some cock in there. No, that's a good idea. Toss a cock in the wrench. No, she's into other girls. I know, but why not have him in there? But I think if you're a guy and a girl won't hook up with you, you can't be like, hey, not only don't hook up with me, don't hook up with me and my buddy. It's a tough game, dude.

Starting point is 00:45:12 You know what? I like this guy. He likes a challenge. Dude, I think you've been- Mission impossible, as I call it. Bro, you've been drinking diesel out of some of them food trucks, dude. You need to fucking calm down, bro. Yeah, you might be right, bro.

Starting point is 00:45:23 You might be right, dude. Brendan Mack strikes again. You might be trucks, dude. You need to fucking calm down, bro. Yeah, you might be right, bro. You might be right, dude. Brendan Mack strikes again. Yeah. You might be right, dude. The only reason I started this show is because I thought Theo was a lesbian. It's so hot right now. And I find out he's not. It's hot, girl.

Starting point is 00:45:34 He's into dudes. Yeah, whatever, dude. I'm into chicks, bro, with tits, boy. Two tits, two. Hey, whatever, bro. Yeah. Yeah, we all believe that. I'm into those double-tittedits, too. Hey, whatever, bro. Yeah. Yeah, we all believe that. I'm into those double-titted chicks, boy.

Starting point is 00:45:50 Find me around some T-Tas, boy, and some cooter, son, like a champion. I feel you. This guy wishes he could get there. Good luck, man. Quit hollering at lesbians, though. You feel me? Yeah, you'll be fine, dude. That's your problem, dude.

Starting point is 00:46:03 Yeah. You're playing baseball, and everyone else is playing football switch it up bro you're the wrong game yeah i think if you're only catching lesbians you got to change your bait you know yeah yeah maybe it's the way you dress dude yeah maybe wear some maybe wear like a football t-shirt or something or a jersey yeah let them know you're a straight heterosexual man yeah right now you might be throwing mixed signals put some you might have a romper on yeah put some elk on put a little bit of elk on your neck spray a little elk on your neck yeah take a little beef jerky and just put it behind the ears a little bit so these know you smell like slim jim yeah dribble a little

Starting point is 00:46:37 bit of ear piss a deer piss on the back of your bald head yeah you know what i'm saying show your work boy don't just get to the answer show Show your work. Take a little gravy, put it on your fucking tits, dude. They love that, man. That's manly. No, you're making stuff up. Yeah, you're right. You're right. That was too much.

Starting point is 00:46:52 What else we got, dude? You guys want to rip a little drip? Yeah, we'll rip some drips. Geez, is that all we've been doing? I feel like all we do is just make fun of people and then go home. I feel like we make fun of each other and everyone else is pretty safe. I feel like we make fun of each other, and everyone else is pretty safe. I feel like we help that guy out. He's going to get his wardrobe, like, you know what?

Starting point is 00:47:09 I am dressing like a lesbian. What else you got? Dude, I'll tell you this. Yeah, and if the lesbians keep coming at you, boy, then, you know, I don't know. Then tuck your dick. Fight them, bro. No, dude, don't fight them. Tuck your dick, bro, and join the club.

Starting point is 00:47:22 Why am I trying to fight, though? Sometimes you got to hit a bitch to the body. My buddy got beat up by two lesbians, dude, last month outside of a Crystal Burger. Well, he probably deserved it, dude. No, he didn't. Why? What'd he do? He didn't do anything.

Starting point is 00:47:34 He was looking for something outside of his car. He dropped something. And they just beat him up? Yeah. Those lesbians are rough, too, dude, especially for the butch kind. You got to hit a bitch to the body. Liver shot. Don't hit him in the face.

Starting point is 00:47:44 Yeah, go with those liver shots, boy. Yeah. Good call. Dustin Poirier liver shot, bro. Dustin Poirier, dude. In two rounds, son. Ooh. Going to beat that ass and go back to the hotel early, bro.

Starting point is 00:47:54 I hope you're right, dude. That's what I'm saying, boy. Up first, this is Ivan Cardenas. This is Ivan. Damn. This is Rip My Drip? Rip My Drip. Talk about keto, kid.

Starting point is 00:48:05 Yeah, he lost 100 pounds being keto for two years. Congrats, man. That's amazing, bro. Yep. That's life transformative right there. And what else, Derek? That's it? Oh, he weighed 265 at 5'9".

Starting point is 00:48:17 Look at him now. Look at this guy. And how much does he weigh now, Brennan? Let's test him. Hold on. Dude, 165 with shredded twisted seal, bro. He is fucking bodied up now man oh he looks like a seal that does cocaine at the end bro he definitely looks real lean out yeah he does look he looks like a cheetah with glasses right there dude he looks like definitely like a guy who's kind of

Starting point is 00:48:37 like nerdy but sexy like he's doing crystal math you know like he's doing drugs but also really smart yeah like reads a lot bro reads a lot can but also get high as Yeah. Like he's doing drugs, but also really smart. Yeah, like reads a lot. Damn, bro. Reads a lot, but also get high as fuck. Oh, yeah. He's been smoking that crystal math. It looks like he's injecting fucking gravy into his stomach on the left there, though. Well.

Starting point is 00:48:54 That motherfucker was thick. Oh, that's how he. That's that lasagna hitter right there. Oh, bro. He was Jerry Rice at Lambert's Home of the Throat Rolls. Can you bring that restaurant up for us real quick? Lambert's. Old school, dude at Lambert's Home of the Throwed Rolls. Can you bring that restaurant up for us real quick? Lambert's. Old school, dude.

Starting point is 00:49:06 Lambert's. Yeah. He looks like he owns a Sbarro's on the left. Is there Sbarro's out here? Are we familiar with Sbarro's Pizza? I don't know where you're from. Sbarro's? You know what it is, guys.

Starting point is 00:49:16 It's Sbarro's, the one that's in the airport? Sometimes in an airport. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, first of all, if you eat at a Sbarro's and it's not in the airport, bro, then you're going to hell. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, first of all, if you eat at S. Morrow's and it's not in the airport, bro, then you're going to hell. Nobody eats at them. Here we go. Lambert's right there. Home of the

Starting point is 00:49:33 Throat Rolls. Bro, you ever been there? Missouri. No, never been there. Now, Lambert's, what they do is you sit anywhere in there and you call for a roll, bro, and from behind the counter they throw it at you. It's a nice roll. Beautiful breads, brother. Is it buttered up, too?

Starting point is 00:49:49 I don't catch them buttered, bro. I catch them dry and then I butter them myself. I wanted to throw that fucking iced-up hitter towards me, dude. You're like Baloo. It's a bare necessity. You're a simple bare necessity. You're like Baloo, dude.

Starting point is 00:50:04 You can't catch a buttered roll. You're like Baloo, dude. You can't catch a buttered roll, bro. I'm down, though. I can't mix it up. I can't fucking catch dry breads, baby. I bet you do, playboy. And I buttered them hoes myself. But this guy looks like Jerry Rice on the left of Lambert's Home of the Throwed Rolls, bro. Like he was setting records, bro. Just catching them rolls left and right

Starting point is 00:50:20 Monday through Friday. Now he's Mr. Steal Your Girl on the right. He is Shred City, dude. Proud of him, man. That's the real Keto Kid. You know how hard that is to do, man. Two years. Bro, he looks like, yeah.

Starting point is 00:50:34 He looks like he changed fucking ethnicities. Yeah. He's Muslim on the left, Mexican on the right. Really? To me, he's more, yeah, I could say, I don't know, man. I don't even know. He looks good, though. I don't know about that.

Starting point is 00:50:50 I mean, he looks like a nice guy. I mean, he looks healthier. I'm not going to say he looks good, dude. You know what I'm saying? Because I want to have a family and stuff. I feel you. All right, what else we got here? What else we got?

Starting point is 00:51:04 Next. You guys are stupid. Every time we do one of these episodes, I feel like I'm waiting for my car to get fixed, and it's just like, I'm just waiting for it to get fixed so we can leave. So we can get out of here. Like, Jesus Christ, man. How long is it taking them to fix this fucking thing, bro? It was just a windshield wiper replacement.

Starting point is 00:51:23 We were here for two hours. It was a slow leak on my tire, dude. Why is this a windshield wiper replacement. We were here for two hours. It was a slow leak on my tire, dude. Why is this taking three hours? What do you got? This is from a guy named Kisher. He got arrested, saw a lady get arrested from a steroided up Theo. And who, are

Starting point is 00:51:38 we ripping the guy on the right or the guy on the left? Right here. It's two guys? This is a young lady, but look at this cop right here. I mean, that guy does look a little Theo-ish. Dude, the nose, the chin. And that guy is jacked. Yeah, I am jacked, dude, if I'm a cop.

Starting point is 00:51:54 That guy's jack city, bro. I only slim down for comedy. That makes sense. That's what I'm trying to do, bro. I leaned out for the humor, but. Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do. Yeah, I was jacked and I was on the force, dude. That was me, boy.

Starting point is 00:52:06 Look at you, patrolling. It really does. I feel like it looks like probably... It looks like your older brother that made better decisions. It looks like your older brother where he can have two beers and not go to rehab. He can go to work. He was the only guy that had

Starting point is 00:52:22 two beers and went to rehab. That's true, bro. Good call. I will say this. He also looks a little bit, though, like John Cena. He does. And he looks a little bit like Bruce Banner that used to play the original Incredible Hulk. Oh, you're right with a

Starting point is 00:52:37 little bit of touch of the downs. Yeah, he's got a touch of that tism, but He looks like if you're a proud boy, he's gonna beat the fuck out of you, too. You don't want to come around his way either, bro. He looks like he'll do some protein right off your freaking butthole, some protein powder right off your butt. He'll suck that fucking whey protein right off your neck. Oh, boy. You feel me?

Starting point is 00:52:54 Oh, he'll drain your newts. Yeah. He'll drain your newts of some grams of freaking wet protein. That boy's bodied up. I'll tell you that right now. That boy is fucking beautiful, huh? Look how big his dick beaters are, too. How many guns do you think he has on? You think he has pants on?

Starting point is 00:53:07 I don't even think he needs guns, dude. You think he has underpants on or what is it? No, he has a blowout ass at the back. Dude, why do you ruin everything? Why am I ruining that? We're talking about how jacked this dude is. Look how fucking big he is. I'm trying to support the police. Dude, look at his forearms.

Starting point is 00:53:21 You don't think he has some ham hocks out the back of that Dallas fucking police force? Dude, I... Talk about the Dallas Cowboys. This bro, he's the fucking real Jerry Jones hitter here. They should sign him right now as tight end. Jason Witten? I think that's what I'm saying. They should sign him as tight end. Bro, definitely. I bet this guy's

Starting point is 00:53:40 mace. I bet he has different flavors of mace, bro. Different flavored proteins of mace. This guy definitely has different flavors of mace, bro. Different flavored proteins of mace. This guy definitely seemed like a nice guy. Yeah, he does. I wish he was protecting me at all times. What? That's crazy, bro. Is he looking for me? Bro, you're being homoerotic, bro. Why, bro? I'm headed to

Starting point is 00:53:55 Dallas. I want him at the shows to protect me. Talk to me at night. Maybe give me a drive around. By drive around, I mean a... Every story you talk about, some dude ends up busting all over you by the end of it. Drive around. Man. By drive around, I mean a bus. By drive around, you mean what? Every story you talk about, some dude ends up busting all over you by the end of it. I don't think so, bro. This ain't fitting in with my church.

Starting point is 00:54:14 You should sell him some honey mustard. What else we got? All right, boys. We'll end it with a little King and a Sting. Okay, hold on. Bless you, Theo. I'm back. Up first, this is Raziel from London Yo Theo yo Brendan

Starting point is 00:54:27 Goal quick Kingo sing it for you guys Foot fetishes what do you think As a foot connoisseur I've been wondering myself Where does one find these feet pictures of cat Let me know help a brother out Also Theo see you in September Brendan point never gonna see you man But keep up the good work love the hair

Starting point is 00:54:43 And yeah gang gang buzz buzz he said gang gang first I like to say that but I would also like to say this that he I won't be there

Starting point is 00:54:54 in September man but I will be there later on I just don't wanna where's he at think that he's in London and he's um

Starting point is 00:54:59 he's a I guess British he's a London night he's one of those he's English you dumb fucks oh god damn it man He's a, I guess, British? He's a Londonite. He's one of those. He's English. English.

Starting point is 00:55:07 You dumb fucks. Oh. God damn it, man. Why? What did he say? Nothing. You call him a Londonite and he called him a Britishite? I don't know, dude. It's like I get dumber coming here and I need all the brain cells.

Starting point is 00:55:19 Dude, all I'll say is tell him Scotland is free, brother. I've never been into feet, really. And the cat came around. Oh. Has the hottest feet in the game. You know what they say. You can tell them Scotland is free, brother. I've never been into feet, really. And then Kat came around. That was the hottest feet in the game. You know what they say. She can make a lot of money, dude. A cat always lands on its feet. Let's hear from the footstress herself.

Starting point is 00:55:34 I mean, a nice foot is great. But I don't understand the fascination to certain people's extent of paying for pictures of nice feet personally I mean, we could look up people's feet online every celebrity has like their own wikis like Sandals and shit. Yeah, why do you my feet are hideous? Are yours cool? Oh, we're talking about women's feet right now Let's all right. You're right back interject yourself the best feet. Yeah, that's what we're talking about Yeah, yeah, Calcat would you sell pictures of your feet or not? She could make so much money doing it. I had a whole game planned for her, and she didn't want to do it.

Starting point is 00:56:10 Well, let her answer. Yeah, go ahead, Kat. Look, I truly believe that my feet is meant for marriage, the institution of marriage. That's the one thing that I need to keep sacred to my relationship. Oh, wow. Oh, fuck. You're serious, Kat. I'm dead serious. Are you really?

Starting point is 00:56:32 I thought she was. I was like, holy fuck. You probably went back home and your man beat the shit out of you with his feet. Look, if you want to put it in her tarsals, bro. What's up with that big toe, girl? I've never been a foot guy, but then Kat came around. She's always covering the puppies up. You've never been a foot guy, dude? I've never been a foot guy, but then Kat came around. She's always covering the puppies up. You've never been a foot guy, dude?

Starting point is 00:56:47 I've never been a big foot guy. You like feet? Yeah, dude. I respect the fact that women stand on feet and have feet, bro. I don't think that women just float in the air. You're an idiot, man. Let's go. I will say that a woman's foot says a lot about her and how well

Starting point is 00:57:03 she takes care of herself, though. If you don't take care of your feet, you're probably not taking care of other things. Oh, you're right. I like a little tad on that foot. I like a little bit of paint on the end. About a hard part at the top. I'll tell you what, I don't even mind a little bunion out the back.

Starting point is 00:57:18 Oh, damn. That means you're putting in work, girl. You know what I'm saying? I got some friends who work in the nightlife industry. Their feet are fucked up because they're constantly in high heels, fucking popping bottles. They're working hard making that cash. I wouldn't mind a good foot

Starting point is 00:57:34 massage, man. You ever had a good foot massage? That is heaven on earth, dude, and they're tough to find. Dude, sometimes that Asa Cara, she gives massages online. Really? Oh, dude. I'd pay hard, cold cash for that. What?

Starting point is 00:57:49 Those aren't massages, dude. Watching somebody masturbate? No, they're massages, dude. Should jack off with her feet, too. Oh. Oh. Up next, we got Aaron from Colorado. Brendan, Theo, I'm here in Brendan's home state, Colorado.

Starting point is 00:58:09 Beautiful. Got a question for you. Wow. Rock climbing. King it or sting it. Gang, gang. Buzz, buzz. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:58:22 I love that. That's awesome. First of all, that's crazy, bro. What a beautiful submission. What a great submission. That's one of our best submissions. I agree. That was creative, boy. I love that. That's awesome. First of all, that's crazy, bro. What a beautiful submission. What a great submission. That's one of our best submissions. I agree. That was creative, man.

Starting point is 00:58:30 Dude, rock climbing, real badass. You ever tried climbing rocks? Yeah, my sister used to do drugs, and she climbed, rock climbed up to a nudist colony in Arizona once. Bro, and they stayed for lunch. They were on drugs, her and some guy she was singing. What's her feet like? I don't know what her feet are like, man.

Starting point is 00:58:46 Just kidding, bro. I'm all about rock climbing. You ever see the, what was the documentary, The Solo Bird, or the fuck it was? Free Solo? Free Solo?

Starting point is 00:58:53 Yeah. You ever see Hope Solo's cooter pics on the internet, boy? Damn, bro. I'll tell you right now. You want to climb some convasses. Talk about a freak, dude.

Starting point is 00:59:02 That dude said, yo, let me get a sexy pic. She said, cool. Asshole. So aggressive, dude. And her feet, some talk about a freak dude that dude said yo let me get a sexy pic she said cool asshole so aggressive dude and her feet she got some flappers she's like 15 i don't think that was a foot brother but i'll say this man you have a beautiful state there the best i'll see you end of the september by the way comedy works you have a beautiful state there, brother, in Colorado. And what was his question? Rock climbing, King of the Sting. Oh, you got to be a real badass and strong as fuck.

Starting point is 00:59:30 Rock climbing is cool. They got those gyms where you could climb. R.E.I., bro. Yeah, and dress up. And yeah, it's very exciting. I think it's a nice thing you're doing with somebody that you care about back there. You got a little lady in the back right there. You have to trust her, you know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 00:59:45 Yeah, rock climbing, definitely. You gotta be a real badass to rock climb. And really trustworthy, dude. Think about this, bro. You don't like your mate that much, y'all go out there, because you have to have, the other person helps you so much, right? But with belaying you and stuff. So I have to climb up first and put the rope in, you know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 01:00:02 Whoops, beer growls. Yeah. This is the new cruise to Aruba. This is the new Dominican Republic right here. It's rock climbing. Take a go rock climbing. Yeah. Take a go rock climbing and come back on tender.

Starting point is 01:00:16 Yeah. I'm surprised more people don't do that, dude. I mean, how could you prove it? I know, huh? It's a brilliant idea if you want to murder somebody. Good thinking, dude. Watch two years from now, dude. I mean, how could you prove it? I know, huh? It's a brilliant idea if you want to murder somebody. Good thinking, dude. Watch two years from now, dude. We have to testify on a case because somebody learned that on this show.

Starting point is 01:00:35 Shout out to rock climbing. Last one, boys. This is Monte Emerson. And what a great name for somebody rock climbing. Hey, Theo, Brennan, got a King of the Stinger for you. Screamo music, heavy metal, stuff like this. That's Ice Time Kills, by the way. King of the Stinger, gang, gang, buzz, buzz.

Starting point is 01:01:02 Buzz, buzz, dude. What are you so angry about? He doesn't seem angry, buzz. Buzz, buzz. Dude, what are you so angry about? He doesn't seem angry, bro. He seems safe. Does he? Yeah. That music is so intense. But he is wearing bright green.

Starting point is 01:01:16 That's a safe color. Nothing's going to happen to him ever. Did he just get done with some sort of marathon? Yeah, I don't know. He's bright. Screamo music. He's a little too thick to be a marathon runner, though. You feel me? I don't know. He's bright. Screamo music? He's a little too thick to be a marathon runner, though. You feel me?

Starting point is 01:01:27 I don't know. You don't know if he's that big. Nah, Bert Kreischer runs. Does he? Oh, yeah. He runs marathons all the time. That boy's thick. Screamo music's hard to deal with sometimes.

Starting point is 01:01:37 I don't know. I don't listen to it. For me, it's too intense. I got enough screamo music inside of my brain. I got my own screamo soundtrack going on in my head and it's driving me fucking nuts. It's also way too violent, man. Screamo?

Starting point is 01:01:51 I used to listen to that ska music when I was young when we'd go to mosh pits. Some band would always start up. You mean like Korn? Like Skinny Puppy or some weird name like Hurt Grandparent or something and they would have two songs and they would play them nine times in a row and you just mosh pit it

Starting point is 01:02:10 it would just be people mosh pitting that's all it was and then somebody would get hurt and then like you know yeah and they put yeah they put calamine lotion on you and shit drag you out yeah sweaty as fuck yeah now it was it was like a sense of camaraderie and stuff that i really really did miss about it uh just like being in mosh pits and stuff like that but then some asshole always came through mosh pitting was really like early ufc for some people yeah and then also it was like kind of like a brotherhood for other people but then some people started training for the mosh pit and fucking people up so you had like ray lewis in the mosh pit like dude what are we doing man why are you six four two hundred seventy pounds we're kids yeah do people the mosh pit. You're like, dude, what are we doing, man? Why are you 6'4", 270 pounds?

Starting point is 01:02:45 We're kids. Do people still mosh? Is it still a thing? Oh, yeah. Where? In Milwaukee? I went to that Travis Scott concert. They were moshing.

Starting point is 01:02:54 Travis Scott? Moshing. He had roller coasters and everything. Oh, yeah. Moshing. They're moshing to rap? They make the circle. They spread the circle out.

Starting point is 01:03:02 And then when the song drops, they fucking charge each other. Dude, kids are crazy, bro. Black kids doing it. Really? They were black. I almost said the blacks. You did. I saw that.

Starting point is 01:03:12 Is that racist? No. No. I think blackies. Safely moshed. I didn't say blackies. Yeah, you didn't say that. Was it like a safe mosh vibe you feel like?

Starting point is 01:03:19 No. Man, them black dudes were getting at it. Dude, you got some athletic dudes running four fours right into each other? Oh, you mean it's the Pittsburgh Steelers, Baltimore Ravens? Is that what you mean? The fucking Sicko concert? Bro, the cool runnings of Mosh Pittsburgh. Wow.

Starting point is 01:03:33 Damn. Were they jumping over each other and shit? Oh, they were backflips. It was crazy. Dude, any time it's an athletic event and white people are doing it, black people go, let me see. They take over, bro. Except for there's some events that's not like that.

Starting point is 01:03:47 Hockey. Rock climbing. Swimming. Swimming. Hockey. Swimming. Rock climbing. Black lava, as they call it.

Starting point is 01:03:57 So what else? What else? Horse riding. UFC. John Jones, best fighter on planet Earth. Miosic won last, the other night. Doesn't matter. But black people. Is John Jones the best, though? By faric won last the other night Doesn't matter but black people Is John Jones the best though?

Starting point is 01:04:08 But is he on drugs though? Well no he passed the last test 1 out of 20 Well he still passed 1 out of 20 is a 5% where I'm from Demetrius Johnson before that though In general white people dominate though Well I think it's a fair

Starting point is 01:04:24 I think that's a sport where it's even. Brazilians for a while dominated. White dudes are coming back in the NBA with a lot of the European basketball players. A little bit. They really are. And black dudes are getting softer, some of them. You're starting to see mixed black dudes. Bro, Ben Simmons will never fucking, in my heart, bro,

Starting point is 01:04:40 hold a candle to fucking my boy Sam Perkins or Charles Oakley. Oh, not even close. It's just getting a little, I think in. John Stark would run circles around him. Two generations, you're going to have like a guy looks just like John Stark, but with black skin and like, but with white John Stark hair. And it's going to be really, that's when everything's going to be way even yet. Yeah, you're right.

Starting point is 01:04:59 The NBA is soft as fuck. But those Europeans coming over are pretty gangster. Jokic. Bad boy. Bruh. Probably get MVP. Dude. I was talking to Blake Griffin right about just asking him I said does any player still smoke cigarettes in the league? Yeah, and he said he goes man. There was a player that I played with a couple years ago

Starting point is 01:05:17 I can't remember the guy's name he goes and he was a chain smoker and I think he anybody he was a good player player. And I think he was a good player. He was from Croatia, I think. And he goes, but at a certain point after the second season, they're like, hey, you can't. But it would be crazy because you'd be on the court. And he'd smell like cigarettes. Lottie D-Bock.

Starting point is 01:05:35 Didn't Lottie D-Bock smoke cigarettes nonstop, dude? That's savage, bro. Savage move. That's savage, dog. Playing a pro sport and smoking cigarettes, bro. Those are the real champions. Who are those guys? The Clint Eastwood of the sports league.

Starting point is 01:05:51 Who played on drugs, bro? Lawrence Taylor. Yeah. Okay. Oh, dude. What's that fucking, the receiver who keeps fucking up? Michael Irvin. No, Michael Irvin was always high.

Starting point is 01:06:01 Ricky, who played for the Celtics? You talking about Ricky Henderson? No, the Celtics. The basketball player, Ricky Adams. No, Ricky Green. No. Ricky Henderson had to have been on some cocaine how fast he was around the bases. You think?

Starting point is 01:06:12 Sometimes you watch people like, too fast. Yeah. Drugs. Yeah, I think they should legalize cocaine for some of the games. They make it fun. For the preseason. Definitely. Come on. Make the team. Graham, these dogs up, dog. They make it fun. For the preseason, definitely. Definitely.

Starting point is 01:06:25 Come on. Make the team. Graham, these dogs up. I agree, man. Let them do all the PEDs. Ped up, bro. Yeah, they should have a PED league, bro. They do.

Starting point is 01:06:35 It's called the UFC. Oh, yeah. Is that it, Doug? That's it, boys. Jesus. Thank you, guys. We did it, bro. Gang, man.

Starting point is 01:06:44 We did it, brother. Gang and man. We did it, brother. Gang and Buzz. You'll be shooting a movie, huh? So no tour dates for a little bit. Yeah, no tour dates. I will still be in Biloxi. But yeah, I'm just sorry they had to cancel some of these other dates. But I'm going to make them up.

Starting point is 01:06:57 Don't be sorry, brother. You got a great opportunity, and the fans know it. It's all good. You'll be back. You'll make it up. You ain't going nowhere. Yeah, it'll show bad, I guess. Yeah, you're still out. You're not going anywhere. I'm it'll feel bad, I guess. Yeah, you're still out.

Starting point is 01:07:05 You're not going anywhere. I'm just kidding, bro. Actually, I sold under. Congrats, man. Thanks, man. I'm proud of you, man. I know you are. I appreciate it.

Starting point is 01:07:10 Yeah, I'm really proud of you, dude. You're always supportive. I didn't want to retweet the picture of the announcement on deadline because I don't like the picture. I don't like the picture either. So I was like, oh. Okay, I get AIDS patients. That's what I said.

Starting point is 01:07:20 What the fuck? He has a thousand pictures. Why not use a current picture? Yeah. So I didn't tweet it. That's why I fucking hate Hollywood bro me too bro

Starting point is 01:07:26 you take the shittiest picture Chris Pratt asked me to do the movie directly that's why I'm doing it I didn't go through any bullshit I'm not dealing with these fucking hoes

Starting point is 01:07:33 no you're still Hollywood sold out but listen that's not what this is about this is about you but dude he said we're going to fight aliens that's what he said

Starting point is 01:07:41 come on Star Wars he goes as you go to the future to fight aliens do you want to come help me that's what he said dude I would have Star Wars. He goes, as you go to the future to fight aliens, do you want to come help me? That's what he said, dude. And he beat aliens before. He did. A couple times. He's done it a few times.

Starting point is 01:07:51 Guardians of the Galaxy. Also, he did beat a T-Rex. You know what I'm saying? Twice. Jurassic Park, son. Twice. Dude, I ain't rolling into the future with some fucking halfwit. You know what I'm saying, bro? Yeah, dude, I ain't rolling up there with Jack Black. You feel me, dude? I ain't rolling up there with Jack Black. You feel me, dude?

Starting point is 01:08:06 Nah, you can't do that, bro. So I got to roll in there with a real hitter. You can't do it with Seth Rogen. You know what I'm saying? You got to do it with a fucking hitter. I ain't losing to a couple of fucking bald eagles like Seth Rogen does. Bro, the only way I roll up is with hitters, man. Same as here, dude.

Starting point is 01:08:21 Word, Doug. Gang, bro. Proud of you, man. Thanks, bro. Dustin the Diamond Poirier in two rounds, dude. Take that. I hope you're right, man. Same as here, dude. Word, Doug. Proud of you, man. Thanks, bro. Dustin the Diamond Poirier in two rounds, dude. Take that. I hope you're right, bro. Dag a stand, bro. Dag a

Starting point is 01:08:31 fall, bro. That's what I'm saying. Let's see it go down. Dag a fall, bro. Dag a fall. I hope you're right, dude. I'll be at the jewelry store, son. Diamonds. Diamond up, bro. Let's get some diamonds. Where will you be, man?

Starting point is 01:08:47 I'm going to be in Houston 20th and 21st. I love Houston, bro. September, Houston Improv. Big D will be there slapping. And then I'll be in Denver end of the month, September. Get your tickets, tfak.com. Yep, and that's it, man. We'll reschedule the tour dates that I do have to change.

Starting point is 01:09:04 I think we're going to go to Europe in January. And thank you uh and thank you guys i'm out there in april are you what is this king in the stink tour gonna happen because after this tour i'm doing uh uh uh make up these dates i'm we have to take a break whoa what happened hey bro bro What's up, bro? Damn, dude. You got some fucking tits, bro What's up, bros? You got a fucking yeast infection, bro. You got tits daddy. It looks like I'm allergic these things are swollen Some tits look at this slick rabbit is loose Don't touch me bro, but keep touching me, bro. I like that jewelry shop you got by your nipples. Thanks, bro.

Starting point is 01:09:50 Hey, why don't you get some honey mustard out? Let's get wild. I'm Indiana Jones-ing, bro. Yeah. I'm Indiana Jones-ing for a Cleveland Steamer, dog. All right, let's get out of here. Gang, gang, buzz, buzz.

The Golden Hour - Episode 34: No Buzzer

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