The Greatest Generation - Planet Cum (ENT S1E22)

Episode Date: October 7, 2024

When some free-floating space ropes find their way into the Entrepreneur’s cargo bay, several crew members get caught up in a sticky situation. But when Reed can’t blast the alien into releasing its hostages, Hoshi and T’Pol start communicating just in time to return the ropes home. How is the popcorn technology of the future superior? Which department got wagged by the production dog? What’s the written form of Cumese? It’s the episode that was made for us.Support the production of The Greatest GenerationGet a thing at podshop.biz!Sign up for our mailing list!Follow The Game of Buttholes: The Will of the Riker - Quantum LeapThe Greatest Generation is produced by Wynde PriddySocial media is managed by Rob Adler and Bill TilleyMusic by Adam Ragusea & Dark MateriaFriends of DeSoto for: Labor | Democracy | JusticeDiscuss the show using the hashtag #GreatestGen and find us on social media:YouTube | Facebook | X | Instagram | TikTok | Mastodon | Bluesky | ThreadsAnd check out these online communities run by FODs: Reddit | USS Hood Discord | Facebook group | Wikia | FriendsOfDeSoto.social

Hey, this isn't the Max Fund Drive, but we're doing a special little membership push this week and we just wanted to start this episode out by suggesting gently that if you are not currently a member of MaximumFun.org, maybe you have been in the past or you haven't yet ever become so, now is a great time to support the greatest generation, the greatest track directly with a monthly contribution. When you listen to a podcast, it's important that you do the yearly maintenance on that show, right?

One of the things that we wanted to ask you to do is go to maximumfund.org, make sure that something as simple as our shows are clicked. If you enjoy Greatest Jan and Greatest Track. You know, the thing that we always think about with membership is that the biggest difference isn't between $5 a month and $10 a month, it's between $0 a month and $5 a month. Like the fact of becoming a member makes such a massive difference. You would never stop vomiting if you knew how few people listen to the show actually step up and become supporting members.

You'd never stop vomiting if you knew how much it cost to make the show. Like, it's a lot every month and the support is the only way that we're able to do these things. It really is. If you're thinking about joining at the $5 a month level, let me sweeten the deal a little bit. That will redound back to you more than double if you're also thinking about getting tickets to our three streaming shows coming up, because you'll get $10 off the three show package right away. Is this why we're hemorrhaging money, Ben? We're giving you $10 to support us at the $5 level. That's what this message is.

So to really stick it to us, go to maximumfund.org slash join. It's a little mid-year reminder from us at The Greatest Generation and maximumfund.org. Here's to the finest crew in Starfleet. When it comes to my crew, you won't get any argument for me this is a parody paramount on the song welcome to the greatest generation it's a Star Trek podcast by a couple of guys who are just a little bit embarrassed about having a Star Trek podcast I'm Ben Harrison I'm Adam Pranica. You're all wet, bud.

In this heat, how could I not be? I think it's the hottest day in many years today. Yeah, it's a hot motherfucker today. Yeah. It's supposed to get hotter tomorrow too, right? I know. And then just be relentless for the next few days. Yeah, we got invited to a pool party in someone's backyard tomorrow. Fun.

Afternoon. Oh, I like the first part, I don't like the second. Yeah, I mean, the water part sounds nice. The whole rest of it, I don't know, man. I canceled outside plans. I thought I would get up in the morning and go play an early round of golf. I'm not gonna do it. I don't know, man. I canceled outside plans. I thought I would get up in the morning and go play an early round of golf. I'm not going to do it. It's going to be 100 degrees by 11 AM. I one time shot video outdoors in 116 degree heat for six hours. And it was so hot, there was nowhere to put beverages. So there was like, every time you go on a film shoot,

you get like a palette of water bottles just to like have water bottles available to people. And they were just out in the sun. So when you went to go like take a quick break and refresh yourself, you were drinking like hot water that tasted like plastic because that was all we could do where we were. That sucks, man. I think hot water is worse than no water at all. Yeah. I don't know. I still drank it. Hot water?

This place is too hot of a dump. This place is too hot of a dump. People get wet for an entirely different reason on today's episode of Star Trek Enterprise, Adam. I almost feel like this episode was created at us. Yeah. Visually, I was horrified at many of the sites. Yeah. Yeah. That were depicted here in Star Trek Enterprise season one, episode 22, Vox Sola.

["Vox Sola"] There's like a thing where people can leave comments on Spotify on our podcast, which I'd never realized until very recently. And like one of the most recent comments as of this recording was somebody saying, "'Stop talking about cum so much. Sorry.'"

Never read the comments, Ben. Voxel is Latin, Ben. Did you know that? Yeah, I did. Vox Sola's Latin, Ben, did you know that? Yeah, I did. I did. I just thought that would be a very fun question to ask you. That's like such a late night host question to a guest.

Like just the softest ball. So, so this Vox Sola thing, that's Latin, right? Yes. We open with a Cactans log about how they've got some Cretassans aboard, and we see some very cranky aliens leaving in a huff. The captain of these aliens played by Vaughn Armstrong, another loafy role for Vaughn Armstrong on this show. I mean, this is how you obscure what a sexual icon

he is. You cover him up with all this loaf. Yeah, the bead budget on this episode, astronomical. This represents an escalation to the ongoing theme of people not liking Captain Archer or any of his deal. Up until now, it's felt pretty benign, right? Ignoring, maybe being irritated at, maybe not returning phone calls or whatever. These guys are just ready to get the fuck out. I think that it's especially troubling because it seems to have been something related to the food and we know that the chef onboard Enterprise

is one of the greatest to ever do it. Chef's the best in Starfleet. This is an offense where an apology is not sufficient. Hard to imagine one of those. Yeah. What are they talking about? I mean, you don't even get anywhere near an answer before they're gone. They are speaking in a language that Hoshi is struggling with and is trying to figure it out, like they say something about you eat like you fuck, which doesn't

seem like it would be an insult, but you know, tone of voice context, it seems like it is to these guys. So they leave, they get aboard their space station and depart. And something that looked very much to me like what happens when some loose cum is floating around in a hot tub, uncouples itself from their ship and slips into the airlock of the entrepreneur.

I'm glad you had that comparison just chambered and ready to go, Ben. So that's what that looks like. I know I'm a little bit of a square, but I've had some fun in my day. That's what Jackie's house is for, to have a good time, right? That's right.

Coming in. I'm not going to accept the invitation to your hot tub night. Were you to extend it? Pretty creepy creature, this thing, as it slides its way through a door that's about to close. And that's our dun-dun- dun dun to opening credits. When we come back, Hoshi is on the bridge and she is hearing something staticky in the comm system. She's complaining about this, wanting to get this fixed, whatever it is. Nobody else can hear it. Hoshi is highly attuned. She has got the audio version of what's the fake thing where it upsets you

when you hear people chewing? Oh, misophonia? I think that is the audio version. Oh yeah, I guess it is. But you know what I meant by that, right? Like she's not hearing people eat, she's just very sensitive to the sounds of things. See, when you describe it like that,

you make misophonia sound legitimate and real in a way that I need to double down on is not in my mind. Because things that annoy you can just annoy you and you don't get a fucking doctor's note for being annoyed. And you can work through being annoyed. Yeah. Yeah. Plenty of people do.

Let's be a little bit more comfortable about being annoyed. What do you say? I like that people have little problems though. I think there are too many problems. Why don't you keep your little problems on your side of the tape I've put down in our dorm room. If that's your biggest concern concern day in, day out, I'd say you're doing all right.

Yeah. Yeah. This is a neat scene, not for what Hoshi's doing, but because of how just ordinary this moment feels. Like we're back to work. Oh, glad that interaction's over. Yeah. Like people are just going about their business

and what Hoshi figures out the longer she thinks about it is that the thing that really set the cretazens off was the word for eating is a lot like the word for fucking. Like maybe there was some failure to communicate that in a way. Like maybe by inviting them to dinner, we invited them to fuck and by not fucking them, that was an offense. Who knows what it is, but there's some sort of transposition in those two concepts that seems to be in the running for the reason why things went so bad. So Paul is kind of shading Hoshi for having screwed this up.

It's like a, you gotta do better when it comes to translating things. That's your job, Hoshi. She's had a real me energy lately about tasks in the workplace. You think it was my fault? I didn't say that. You implied it.

I simply noted that linguistic matters fall within your responsibility. I feel very seen in a way that makes me ashamed. You should go on that show feeling seen. Yeah. Talk about this episode. I don't think that's what they mean over there. No.

There you salty long. So when Trip Tucker walks in, Hoshi tells him about the static in the comm system and he treats it as the not big deal that it probably is. He's going to get to this in the morning and asks to Paul if Archer is up for a meeting and it doesn't seem like he's in the mood, but Tripp goes right in there. He's got something special for the captain. Something to cheer Archer up because Archer is mega bummed that another first contact went as badly as that did. I've got something to cheer you up, Ben.

Oh, really? Because you know, anytime there's a mention of the great sport of water polo. It is time for the hit game show within a podcast. Whoa! Polo! Polo or boyo? Come on. Come on.

Yes! I told you, best sport in the world. One part basketball, one part swimming, and one part wrestling. I didn't know it was such a rough game. Today's contestant is a Star Trek podcaster from Oakland, California. It's Benjamin R. Harrison! Oh, hey, so happy to be here.

Ben, we got a special game for you today. You might be familiar with the rules of this game, but I've changed them. Oh, shit. Just a little bit. Okay. I'm so happy to be here. Ben, we got a special game for you today. You might be familiar with the rules of this game, but I've changed them. Oh, shit. Just a little bit. Okay. In this game, I will name three things.

I will name a chicken. Are these like famous chickens? These are breeds of chicken, Ben. Okay, breeds of chicken, okay. A horse inducted into the Museum of Polo Hall of Fame. Okay. And a name of one of the greatest water polo players of all time. Are you ready?

I'm as ready as I'll ever be. I feel like I should have studied for this. I knew this was coming to some extent. I'll give you three questions. Each question will have three options. Here's the first. Thomas Casas. Here's the second.

I am Simani. Here's the third. Woody D. Once again, we've got Thomas Casas, I am Simani, and Woody D. And as a reminder to everyone playing at home, so we're naming a horse, we're naming a water polo player, we're naming a breed of chicken.

Woody D, I'm gonna go with breed of Pollo. IamSamani, I'm gonna go water polo player and Thomas Cassis I'm going horsey. Ben I think you've gotten this one exactly wrong. Because Woody D is the horse, I am Samani is the breed of chicken and Thomas Cassis of course one of the great water polo players in water polo history. I can't believe I didn't know that. I know.

What the fuck? And if you are hearing this and you're thinking like, those aren't the important water polo players, those aren't the true Hall of Fame horses. 286-984-4FUN is the number you can call to leave your feedback on this bit. Uh huh. I'm sure they'll get a lot of phone calls. Alright Ben, next question. We've got Ratko Ruddick. We've got Layman Brown. And we've got Chica Boom. OK, I got Ratko Ruddick and Chica Boom. What was the other one?

Layman Brown. Layman Brown sort of sounds like a horse, but you're supposed to shoot a horse if it's lame. So I'm going to go water polo player for layman brown, chica boom for breed of chicken, and ratko ruddick for horse. Ben, also a total wipeout. God fucking dammit.

Ratko Ruddick, a legendary water polo player and coach, who has won numerous international titles and is highly respected for his contributions in the sport. How could you forget Ratko Ruddick? I know him as a coach, that's the problem. I didn't realize that he'd had his playing days also. Layman Brown, famously a chicken breed. And Chica Boom, one of the great horses of all time.

A year 2000 was when this horse was inducted into the Horse Polo Hall of Fame. Where is the Horse Polo Hall of Fame? Great question, Ben. Final question. Once again, one of these is a great water polo player, another is a breed of chicken, finally a Hall of Fame horse. Mariano Aguere. DeKalb Amber Link.

Magyar Tamas. It's interesting because Amber Link really sounds like a public transit thing. Yeah, it does, doesn't it? Like a mid-sized Midwest city. That's how you get into town from the airport. And DeKalb is a subway stop that I hit many, many times in my days living in New York. So DeKalb, Amber Linklink is really throwing me for a loop. Yeah. I'm going to go ahead and guess that that is a breed of Pollo.

OK. Magyar Tomas, I'm going to guess, is the famous horse. And Mariano Aguere is the polo player. Ben, you are on the board. Yeah! With just one out of three. Hahahaha! You got the chicken right, Ben.

The Decalp Amber Link is a very popular chicken for free-range cruelty-free alternative production methods. They are very adaptive to non-cage operation forage as well, and they have exceptional feather retention. That being one of their best qualities. Mariano Aguere inducted into the Horse Polo Hall of Fame in 2017. And then Magyar Tomas, a prominent figure in water polo who has made significant contributions to this sport.

None of them listed here on the webpage that I'm looking at. He's a prominent figure in water polo, who has made significant contributions to this sport. None of them listed here on the webpage that I'm looking at. He's widely regarded as one of the greats. He has won several Olympic gold medals. So good for Magyar Tomas. Ben, you got one out of nine on this edition of Polo. Polo, oh boy-o. I'm ashamed. this edition of Polo, Polo, Apoio.

I'm ashamed. I didn't know it was such a rough game. Porthos alone in Archer's room looks up at the ceiling and barks. We cut to reverse shot, Porthos eye view of what's going on on the ceiling of Archer's bedroom, mind you, Adam. Yeah.

Were you surprised to see that a fart fan had been installed in his bedroom? Now, we're redoing the Captain's Quarters on the Starship Enterprise NX-01. And this is a man who is known for eating a lot of different exotic foods with greater land and also bedding the occasional alien mistress. Therefore, he needs maximum suction in the overhead air intakes of his bedroom. So we're putting a standard issue bathroom fat fan right above his bed.

You're going to want to install this vent fan directly between two joists near your reference hole. In this case, the butt. I didn't know Archer was ripping ass like this. Imagine working in that Jeffreys tube that the cum monster is walking around in, that Porthos is barking at. You're up there wrenching on something. The captain is fucking ripping ass in his bedroom right below and it's getting blown in your face. I don't know how long ago I read this, but it has stuck in my mind ever since. The ventilation fan in a bathroom

is a source of many house fires, which is why so many of them are connected to a timer, and they're neglected in terms of cleaning, like they often fill with dust or whatever, and by keeping them running for hours and hours, they can sometimes short out and start a fire from the dust in there. So I've been fucking crazy ever since I read this about like always turning off that vent

fan after a period of time and never forgetting to do it. Mine is definitely just, I mean, it looks like a bird's nest in there, but there's nowhere to take the, the grill doesn't come off. There's no way to clean it. Are you sure? Because many of them are held in by like spring loaded tensioner wires that you just need to pull. I know, mine is not.

Wow. Mine is a piece of shit. So, Porthos can hear what the white goo does. That's all we get from this scene. And in the mess hall, Mayweather and Reed and Hoshi discuss what went wrong with the Kratasins. Reed and Mayweather have some theories, but Hoshi doesn't want to talk about it. She's bummed about her role and what happened and has decided to skip movie night tonight. She just kind of doesn't want to be

socializing with how she's feeling. She's going to turn in early and in a corridor, she hears something coming from the other side of a wall. And in a very fun shot when she puts her ear up to it, we see on the other side of the wall. Yeah. And a very fun kind of diptych composition. I liked it a lot. We get some folks working in engineering. They would like to finish up what they're doing and make it to movie night. Wages of Fear will be playing in the mess hall. Classic French film.

We cut to everybody getting ready for the movie to start playing. But what shows up on the screen instead is all this surveillance footage from around the ship. This is annoying, and I think Reed is the one to get up and try to get the attention of the projectionist. I always love this hero in a movie theater. If something's out of focus, there's always the person that stands up first. I wish I was this hero ever, but I'm not.

I waited out. I would say that it's me about 50% of the time. I think I'm like on the low slope of impatience, you know? Do people clap for you? No, no, never. Come on. One thing about this scene that I noticed right away and which supports the idea of these future people being smart, at least in one particular way, are the flat trays

they eat their popcorn out of. This is way better than bucket. It's better for sharing. It's better for topping distribution. It's better in every way. You know that nobody is cutting a hole in the bottom of that thing and putting their porker through it. Now, this could be very embarrassing

if they don't stop the feed, which is what I thought was the compulsion here to get up and stop it. Was like, eventually we're gonna cut around to a part of a ship that we don't wanna see. And it's not gonna pass standards and practices once we do. Exactly. We should be able to look at a little porn at work.

So meanwhile, Archer and Trip are having their own screening of this water polo match on tape. Which means we have our second round. No, we don't. You think I prepared a second round of that game? You barely prepared a first round, Adam. I know. I felt bad for these guys not having a couch to sit on for this.

They're sitting at a table with their glass of beers. Just didn't look comfortable. I do love the idea that they are crushing five pounds of pretzels. Like, this is too many pretzels for two people. Ten ounces of beer a piece and just an absolutely staggering volume of pretzels. How is this done? Is this generous or not? Is this subtly a, we're done here, kind of move? Like, if you put out this many pounds of pretzels

and only this much beer, I think the idea is, yeah, eat up and then we're done. Get the fuck out! An engineer has been scrambled to fix whatever is messing up the movie and he goes to a storage bay with a flashlight. This is one of those storage bays aboard that does not have an overhead lighting system.

So he is poking around with his flashlight. He discovers that Peter North has been in here. Is that a hair gel? The presence of all the wharf barrels made me nervous. I was wondering how high they got stacked. He radios up to engineering to report something, but doesn't actually talk into the microphone to Crewman Kelly. So we cut back to Tripp and Archer watching polo.

Nothing wrong with these guys. They're just enjoying it. I don't suppose it'd be practical to put a pool on the ship. Truman Kelly, the second engineer, goes into the bay and also does not turn on the lights for whatever fucking reason. And she, instead of radioing to engineering, radios directly to the captain when she finds out how much cum has been smuggled aboard the ship. This next scene is so fun for the costuming, right? Because in the corridor, Archer and Trip meet up with a mess of security folks to go investigate, and Archer and Trip are

still in their civilian clothes while they meet up with folks dressed for action. It's a fun contrast here. Yeah. But also, this is costume design getting wagged by the production dog because there's no fucking way they want to expose their best uniforms to gallons of cum like they're going to have to be for the rest of the app, right? That's a great call. Yeah. I didn't even think about that, but you're right.

The hero costumes stay clean. Yeah. Unlike the actors. This storage bay has turned into the nest scene in Aliens when they find all of the people from the outpost. Which is why they went white, right? You gotta go white. Yeah. White is right as a choice here, isn't it, Ben?

I guess. It's... So that you don't get the aliens comparisons? So that, yeah, so it's not just accused of being a direct knockoff. Yeah. They could have gone another color. What if it had been purple? I mean, I know from the hit Star Trek

and sometimes other things, podcast, Greatest Trek, purple is a terrible sci-fi color. It is, yeah. But what if it had been purple? Would it have been less revolting? Like, I'm picturing people sitting down with their TV dinner to watch the latest episode of Star Trek Call of Enterprise in the spring of 2002

when this episode dropped, and having to push their reheated lasagna away from them on the TV tray because of how fucking gross this episode starts to get from here. Yeah, a lot of awkward conversations for couples once this episode kicks off. I don't think Purple works because it's too close to Klingon blood. Like then it gets cartoonish like that. Yeah. So Michael Rostov, the first person to go in, is awake when they find him. They're finding that the creature doesn't like it when they shine their flashlights at it, but what it does is hurt the people that it's already ensnared.

And Rostov is like, you got to get out of here. And I was like, oh, like he's saying like leave, but he's's not saying like urgently he's not giving a lot of context for that you know why else it can't be pink and purple it's because of this scene when it feels like the goo is is connecting with the people this is Ghostbusters 2 type shit right oh shit so you can't do that color either some Some tendrils grab archer and then they grab trip and a red shirt and Reed is the only person that makes it out of the cargo bay, uncum Don. By the looks of it, he's really missing out.

When he slams this door, he slams a tentacle in it and this thing falls to the ground in an absolute pool. One thing you gotta say about this being, it is very wet and drippy. So we get a McLaughlin group. Issue one. Reed is, as is his way, interpreting this as an attack on the ship. Paul, not so sure.

She takes this as another opportunity to throw shade on Hoshi for being bad at linguistics. They're like talking about, oh, we need to get in touch with those guys with all the beads and see what they know about this cum monster. Hoshi, you're going to have to do a lot better with them this time. Reed wants to go in weapons hot and Hoshi's idea is more about communicating with it, but it's a matter of time, right? Like, you got your guys stuck up in this come.

Now you got to get them out as soon as possible. How quickly can Hoshi work on a plan for language? Flax also radios into this McLaughlin group and he is wearing a space suit and is getting ready to do some scans of the cum dick that Reed recovered after he slammed the door. So they watch on FaceTime as he does this and he's getting readings that indicate that this might be a smart cum monster. This is no earthworm.

Doctor. And also that they can fight it with light. How much were you expecting violence in this scene? Like the way that it shot feels so pregnant with this tentacle getting inside the suit or slapping Dr. Flock's around or whatever? Well, yeah, and then like with Alien in very recent memory for both of us, I feel like

anytime you're alone in a room with a thing like this, it's potentially going to kill you. Faith of the Fart. Absolutely massive day recording the show. I'm just finishing up here. It's the end of the day and what I need to think about is a dinner plan. But I don't want to because I'm wiped out and ordinarily I'd make a bad decision here. I'd heat up something processed or have some leftovers that will satisfy no one or I'd order something expensive to be delivered. But I don't have to do any of that because of Factor. 35 different wholesome meals to choose from there. Breakfasts or smoothies or dinners or midnight snacks, and there's no prep,

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And I'm Ella. And we're the hosts of Comfort Creatures. We could spend the next 28 seconds telling you why you should listen, but instead, here's what our listeners have said about our show because really, they do know best. The show is filled with stories and poems and science and friendship and laughter and tears sometimes, but tears are from your heart being so filled up with love. A cozy show about enthusiasm for animals of all kinds, real and unreal. If you greet the dog before the person walking them, or wander around the party looking for

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and play along with us at home. Or just listen in as we cry over our baker's soggy bombs. On MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. And you will never take the greatest chill alive. Ben would rather die. So inside the Cargo Bay, Trip and Archer are conveniently hung up pretty close together and close to the others. Rostov wonders why they aren't dead already, which is a question without an answer.

Sometimes death is better. I wondered when Rostov started talking, like, oh, so you're cogent, like you can communicate perfectly fine. Why were you so vague when you were grappled in cum earlier and people were like coming toward you to try and help? Way to use your words this time, Rostov. You fucked us. Crueman Kelly isn't talking at all.

She seems to be the one in the worst shape. She's alive, but she's pretty messed up. I felt so bad for this actor. Like her agent got in touch with her and was like, great news. You got a big speaking part on an episode of Star Trek Enterprise. She was like, cool, what do I have to do?

You know how you said you didn't want to start in porn? Well, we're obeying that directive that you gave us. But... We're not necessarily following the spirit of that directive, but the letter for sure. I love how Rostov has bits here. That's fun. Joking about cancelling the movie they had scheduled that night. Edmontal, driving explosives through the mountains. Good for Rostov.

Reed comes in with his electromagnetic radiation emitter to try and kill off this cum monster. But when he starts using it, it hurts everybody in the room. Everybody that's ensnared is having a terrible reaction to this. And we realized from Phlox that their nervous systems are now linked into the organism. And so anything that causes it pain will cause them pain. And Phlox was like, you know, we're really running out of time to save these guys. So they stop with the lights for that reason. Like, well, that's not gonna work to work. And Hoshi is now lead here

as far as a solution to this problem. Absent the lights, absent shooting at this thing, it's now a race against time. She's got to figure out how to communicate with the creature before it's too late. And the only thing they have to go on is like some readings that Flax got that indicate that its nervous system like make signals that are not totally dissimilar from language. So she's going to get on that and Reed asks for to Paul's permission to work on a force field prototype to see if they can at least contain this thing in the cargo bay so that it doesn't just take over the whole ship. And he gets leave to

do that. I feel like in the room, this was probably a very exciting moment. This is Baby's first force field that we get in this episode. And it's exciting, I guess, that we're going to see the very first time a force field has been used in Star Trek. All right. first time a force field has been used in Star Trek. All right. Meanwhile, Hoshi is really struggling to teach herself Cummys.

And she says to Paul, it's a lot more like a calculus equation than a language. Is it Comgee? That's written, right? Yeah, that would be the written form of the language. Kumji could also be the name of the box in Pee-wee's playhouse, but the adult version. Oh, yeah.

Mecha-leka-hai, mecha-shoot-a-rope. Right. Wish. Did somebody say wish? The wish is granted, long-lived junkie. JD fans just absolutely taking it to cherry. To cherry. Come over here and sit on these.

OK. So yeah, there's some more like to Paul being mean to Hoshi here. And Hoshi's like, I wasn't like opening this up to dunks when I said it was like a calculus equation. I was inviting you to help. You're good at calculus. I want to solve the problem to Paul. What the fuck? We had an interaction yesterday that was extremely awkward, wherein we were talking about business stuff with a business person. Yeah. And I asked a question and it's like the music stopped in the room. I got a, you always do this Adam. You always make me feel like I'm not doing the work here

when I'm here to tell you how I'm doing that. And it was like I got the hard pushback in this moment. And this scene reminded me of that in that T'Pol being T'Pol has a reputation of being kind of a dick. Yeah, sure. And her reputation doesn't help in a moment like this. In the same way, I don't think my reputation helped by asking some questions yesterday because I came into that moment with a reputation

of being difficult when it comes to discussing matters of this type. Meanwhile, I was like, I gotta get out of here in 15 minutes. I hope we can not have this blow up into a full-fledged argument before I have to leave because it will be super awkward if it's just not going well. And I'm like, all right, well,

enjoy the rest of your lunch, everyone. To be honest, and I think you would agree, even with this argument happening in front of you, it was like you weren't there. How dare you. You were basically in the next booth over. I was providing lots of useful context to both of you, and we resolved it well.

We did. In Come World, where Archer and Tripp I was providing lots of useful context to both of you, and we resolved it well. We did. In Come World, where Archer and Tripp and everybody are living, they're starting to realize that their thoughts are being shared among them. Tripp knows things about water polo that he shouldn't know. He'd get every answer correct on Polo Polo or Pollo. Yeah, I think he would. Tripp seems to be the one that's the most paranoid

about this starting to happen. Did you notice that? Like, people are detecting this weird connection slash ability and Tripp's like, oh, oh fuck, we gotta get out of here. Get out of my fucking head. He starts grabbing a length of cum and wrapping it around his own neck,

like, we gotta end this thing before it gets too far down the road. Oh man, that would've been amazing if he had done auto-erotic asphyxiation with cum. Yeah, I love specifically how it looks wrapped around Tripp because there's a lot of the lattice, but then there's a belt around him that tightens occasionally that really sells the whole scene.

I thought it was revolting, but super well done in spite of how revolting it was. One of the things that Archer does to calm down Trip is talk about a specific situation in a water polo game that his team went on to win. It is through this means that we learn that Archer doesn't believe in a no-win water polo scenario. I don't like to lose. So don't lose hope guys. Just imagine thinking that this is interesting to anyone else. I mean, one could say that about our entire podcasting career.

Like this has got to be what other people feel like when I talk about football or something. Like, what the fuck is this? How is this inspiring? But it works. The story Archer tells about the belief that you can win being the thing that you need in the face of all kinds of obstacles. You can't win unless you believe you can, so you might as well start there. That's kind of the takeaway. Have the confidence you need to endure, even when you're covered in cum. Reed goes down to Sixth Bay and visits Flax and the cum dick that Flax has been testing and Reed wants to do a test of his own. He's got this force field that he's working on and he's like, I need to figure out how to like stop the creature without killing it.

And Flax has some ethical concerns here. I was just thinking about the Miriam still images that Bill Tilly is going to be able to get from this episode. And then I thought about maybe a better idea, which is just using the cum scene from Scary Movie instead of any of those. To see if anyone notices. What the fuck?

I don't know. Like the further into this episode I got, I was like, how are we even going to record a podcast? My wife came home when I was watching this episode and I was like, I really don't want to have a conversation about what is on screen. Like she went to work. Phlox really pulls rank on Reed here. He's like, you're not gonna do anything medically unethical

while I'm here. Like, this dick is intelligent. We're not gonna mistreat it. And we cut over to the mess hall where T'Pol and Hoshi are trying to work together on cracking the code of this cum language. And they just are not working well together. It's a lot of, uh,

to Paul asking if Hoshi did a bunch of super obvious things in her approach to understanding what this thing might be saying. This has got that lab partner energy, you know, like you remember in school, you, you'd get the choice of a lab partner sometimes, but other times you get stuck with one. Yeah, they're stuck together here, not in a covered and cum kind of way, but in a lab partner sometimes, but other times you get stuck with one, they're stuck together here. Not in a covered and come kind of way, but in a lab partner you've been assigned to kind of way. Yeah.

My lab partner on dissecting the fetal pig was a girl that I had a total crush on, so excited, but also she was a vegetarian, so I had to do everything and she just averted her eyes the entire time, basically. And I was like, this is making me revolting to her. Yeah, I don't think that's anything you can overcome if you're a Benjamin R. Harrison. I most assuredly did not. T'Pol does that thing that some teachers do though, right? She gets kind of called out on her shit.

But to Paul's like, look, I think you're great actually. And it's because of my high standards that I can seem like kind of a hard ass. And I think you can be great with maybe just a little bit of my help. All she wanted was a little bit of validation and there it sits. So it seems like they might be on to something with their relationship.

Up on the bridge, Mayweather gets a call from the beads men, and he is nervous because Hoshi isn't there to help him answer the phone. Mayweather's practically like, Enterprise residents, Mayweather speaking. Archer's covered in cum right now. So yeah, the good news is the Kratasin captain has learned English in the half an hour since they've been gone. It wasn't difficult. Okay.

God, I admire the speed of that. Oh my God, yeah. They're... Technologically, these people aren't super advanced, but their Duolingo is incredible. Yeah. So, Mayweather's like, yeah, we've got this weird creature aboard. We just wanted to see if you guys knew anything about it.

And the guy's like, describe the creature. And Mayweather's like, well, does your species produce ropes? This guy's happy to give them the coordinates of the planet where this thing came from. But first, he wants that yummy, yummy quad box. And Mayweather gives, like, a master class in apologizing here. What these people were freaked out about

was that eating insects are equally private enterprises to them. So when he said, you eat like you fuck, he meant it. Who would have thought this, um, foot long hot dog night slash you can only eat oysters with your hands behind your back, all you can eat style. I just don't get the confusion there. I did really like the subtle way this got Hoshi off the hook though, because that's not a language barrier thing. That's a cultural barrier thing. Totally. Like, and Hoshi's not there to experience being let off the hook.

Exactly. So people that are on the hook are Trip and Archer. They're back in cum world. And some of the people are seeming more dead now, like the non-Trip and Archer people that are caught in the web of Kum. It feels like there might be some acceptance here inside the Kum, I mean.

Yeah, Kum-ceptance. Yeah. Trip Tucker wonders if this is what Zephyr and Cochrane meant by new life and new civilizations. No, Triptucker, that's not what he meant because what he meant was money and women covered in cum. Money covered in cum. Women. That is what he meant isn't it? Yeah. Ooby. And I cannot stress this enough.

So T'Pol and Hoshi are now making some progress on the language cum-ees and Fcks calls them up to let them know that they got to make moves and get these people saved because life signs are really starting to fade in the cargo bay. Reed has a little interlude with another crewman where he's struggling to get his force field working. They are like setting up the emitters on tripods and trying to shoot phasers through it. And I was like, ah, so dangerous. You're in the missile room right next to the missiles. Then I was like, actually probably way safer than the warp core, which would be the other place that they might do something like this. Yeah, I agree. I think this makes sense the longer you think

about it. Especially with these missiles, right? Yeah. Flax blows in a message and this deadline has become more urgent. That random crew person from before is about to die. Yeah. So they get their field emitters and they go to the cargo bay and the emitters just like stick onto the wall using like command strips, presumably. stick onto the wall using like command strips presumably and they get the field up just in time and it is in fact cum proof and so Hoshi and T'Pol can safely stand there with their cum translation calculator and attempt to communicate with the beast. Nothing is happening at first until it does and the sound that things are making here is like a sick dolphin driving a car that needs a brake job.

I do not like this sound. It was cool that they got Amy Adams and Jeremy Renner to show up for this scene, you know? Yeah. So before in that conversation Mayweather had with the Kratassians, they gave him the coordinates to a planet and here the cum monster is giving them specific coordinates on the planet surface. And Dr. Flux tells them, hey, guess what? The biosigns of the trap crew people are starting to stabilize and that awful sound we're hearing has stopped and the bodies, lower the bodies to the bodies... Lower the bodies to the floor.

Lower the bodies to the floor. Lower the bodies to the floor. Somehow in an episode with more disgusting images than I could count, the bodies being released somehow was the most upsetting to me. I never thought in a million years we would see planet come. But we do.

Enterprise has arrived at the home world of this thing and they launch a shuttle pod and on the surface we see the thing being released like a duck after an oil spill. Like they bring a trunk with them and let this thing out. And, to Paul tells them that this is all one thing. It's not many things. It's all the same organism. And that means they're just returning

a lost appendage in a way. Yeah, a couple of lost appendages because even the cum dildo gets released back to the collective. Yeah. Hey, they really did write by that released back to the collective. Yeah. Hey, they really did write by that cum monster in the end. Yeah. Did you like this episode, Adam?

I mean, visually, how does it get better than this? How will it ever get better than this? A Star Trek episode would have to be hardcore pornography for it to be better than this episode. We did review an episode of Star Trek pornography one time. There was like a professional porn production of TNG. But with all the sex edited out. Yeah, we watched the YouTube version of it. Yeah.

The Safe for Work edition of it. That's a bonus episode back in the stacks. Is it a bonus episode or did we do that on the main feed on that one? Oh God. This was the greatest discovery. We put it on main? That's great. I think we might've put Harney on main.

Oh, that's excellent. What's interesting about this episode is the things they had to avoid to make it work. Right. I think it's weird that this thing took hostages to get its way and everyone's okay with that. Attempted murder of the captain, one of the many crimes. Yeah.

A lot of unanswered questions. How did this thing get on the Kratas and ship in the first place? Why wasn't it able to communicate through those hostages? Like it appeared able to early on. Like the rules seem to have changed with what this thing could do halfway through the app, right? Like it seemed as though there was some puppeteering

that could happen, but that idea didn't remain hardly at all. So I think the less you think about how this thing works, the better and the more you'll enjoy the episode if you didn't. Just fucking bonkers visual episode, Ben. I can't get over what we saw here. What about you? Yeah. What it must have been like on set. Like when they were designing the alien and like, you know, showing the director, like,

here's what we're thinking it will look like when everybody's like webbed up in this stuff. How were people like, yeah, it looks good. That's the one, you know, like staggering. Yeah. Yeah. Really like stomach churning one to watch. And I would say a little light on story. Or titillating if that's what you're into. Yeah. I'm not here to judge if that's someone's thing.

Everybody should feel totally fine to enjoy the thing that they enjoy. But yeah, it was just, it was tough for me personally. And... I feel like there's a non-zero risk of being invited to a room party at Star Trek Las Vegas and you open the door and that's what you see in there. Yeah. Two people wearing Starfleet uniforms just covered. I don't want to see that if I'm not expecting it. Yeah, it's dark to Star Trek.

You got to warn us, all right? You get a couple of whiskey diets in that guy. All bets are off. Adam, I want to stop thinking about this episode and start thinking about P1s, so I'm heading in that direction. Great idea. Priority one message from Starfleet coming in on Secure Channel. Need a supplemental income.

Supplemental income? Supplemental. Supplemental. Yeah, it's extra. By the interest alone, could be enough to buy this ship. Our first P1 is of a promotional nature and it goes like this. To establish my long and fruitful listenership, you have me to thank for introducing DeFested to the show. What? Wow. See, or maybe I did see you in Madison in October. Phew. Now that that's out of the way and you and the FODs will take me seriously, my dad, Michael

Goldman, wrote a mystery novel called The Spreadsheet Murder and I'm immensely proud of him. Please buy his book. It would make him super happy and help him become a very famous writer. You can find it on Amazon, Kindle, or paperback. So go to Amazon and search for the spreadsheet murder to purchase. And this is from Becca. Look at it. 100% five-star reviews here on this book. I just I just clicked on over to Amazon. I'm gonna buy this

book. You know who I'm gonna buy this book. You know who I bet would love this book is Windy Pretty because every time she makes a spreadsheet for us, she fucking kills that shit. Yeah, she does. She's the best. Wow, what a great message. Yeah, I hope Michael Goldman gets the greatest gen bump.

Let me tell you, one bump that we've actually received was the DeFested bump. That's true. Holy moly, are we grateful to Becca for introducing DeFested to the show. Yeah, DeFested has become a true friend. Yeah, good stuff. You're gonna like the hero of this book as a poker playing CFO, Adam. Wow, I love it. This is the perfect book for you. Yeah. I love it. Thank you, Becca, for that great P1 message. And I'm sure we had a great time in Madison. Obviously. How could we not? Yeah. Ben, we got

a priority one message here from Tom Best Ever FOD in Denton. It's to Ben and Adam. Here's the message. Hello from Summer 2023. If I have calculated right, this should be aimed at the Enterprise episode Detained. That's funny. The first Enterprise ep that made me say fuck off out loud when Archer calls to Paul to explain the metaphor.

Metaphor. Thanks for the gray pod and helping me stay cackling if not sane, carrying mail in the scorching Texas sun. Wow. Would love to see y'all back in Dallas. Tom, I'd love to be back in Dallas, but maybe not on this particular day. One of the hottest days in the entire country, it seems.

Yeah, yeah. I'm hoping, Tom, by the time you hear this, that it's cooled off somewhat. Yeah, I hope so too. Thank you for your service as a mail carrier. Yeah, indeed. Sorry we missed your episode by one. I mean, did we do that or did Tom do that?

Yeah. Tom, you counted wrong. Hope you're a little more careful about delivering mail to the right address than you are about... You see Tom walking down the street and all the neighbors stepping out of their house and delivering the mail to the house one before them. Ha ha ha!

Hey, sorry, this got misdelivered, all of this. No one has the heart to tell Tom. Our final P1 today is from Andrea or Andrea, and it is to Sam, and it goes like this. You make me feel like every day is prixonin'. That's a Star Trek thing, right? Happy anniversary to the person who taught me what a Tribble was. It's only been a year and you already feel like home. Aww. They could have called this episode Pricks Out, couldn't they?

Friends, Priority 1 messages are a great way to support the program. You can write yours for us to read at maximumfun.org slash Jumbotron. Sure can. Hey Adam. What's up, man? Did you find yourself a drunk Shimoda? Incredible.

Drunk Shimoda! I'm gonna give mine to the think tank that came up with the alien. the think tank that came up with the alien. You know this was a committee that was trying very hard to figure something out that wasn't derivative of something else and also exciting, interesting science fiction-y. I feel like it was a game of chicken, right?

Is anyone gonna bring up the fact that this looks like cum? Certainly at some point, like it will be brought up as a conversation at the table, right? Is anyone going to bring up the fact that this looks like cum? Certainly, at some point, it will be brought up as a conversation at the table, right? No, no one talked about this. As much a game of Pollo as anything else. You got that right, Ben. Yeah. So, whoever was responsible for this gets my drunk Shimoda. What about you? Yeah, no, I mean, that was exactly who I had in my crosshairs as well.

I think Tom, the best ever FOD intent and put it right. Fuck off. I love it. Remember back in like very early season TNG, we lightly made fun of Jumbotron people and like we got some fucking heat back for that. Like I didn't write a Jumbotron to get made fun of. Here we go again, many years later.

Yeah. How soon we forget. We're idiots. Faith of the fart. All right, Adam. Next episode is Star Trek Enterprise Season One, Episode 23, Fallen Hero. Archer is ordered to transport Vulcan ambassador Velar, an early role model of Topol's, from a planet where her integrity has been called into question.

Oh man, Fiannula Flanagan back on Star Trek for this one. Really? Yeah. Love her. We have no choice but to stan our queen, Fiannula Flanagan. This surely isn't going to come back to bite us. Fiannula Flanagan, still alive! 82! Wow!

She should run for president. Way to go, Fiannula. Adam, our runabout is currently on square 29. And I'm gonna go ahead and roll this 100-sided die and see if we have any special obligations on next week's episode. Do it. You're required to learn as you play. Roll. if we have any special obligations on next week's episode. Do it. You're required to learn as you play.

Roll. Oh, fuck. What did I hit? I hit a The Caretaker Square. Oh, no. Oh, no. We're told to trust the caretakers decisions decisions. I have initiated a self-destruct program. Oh no.

Oh well. Oh no. Aren't you contentious for a minor bipedal species? And that means I have to, I guess, roll again? It does. Oh man, I feel like this is gonna go badly. Yeah, all right, here I go. This is like when you're rolling craps

and one or both of the dice leave the table, like the very next roll is almost always crapping out. We'll see. No, it's just a regular episode next week, Adam. Woo! Chula! Did I win? Hardly.

I rolled a 71 putting us on square 91. How about that? Maybe the one lucky roll I've ever had in my entire life. Amazing. That's what you get for blowing on your own dice. Well, this has been a ton of fun, Adam. Hey, we're doing a little light drive just this week for new and upgrading supporters. Any amount of upgrade would certainly help, but as we always say, the biggest difference is between supporting and not supporting.

So if you could swing five bucks a month to support your favorite Star Trek podcasts, we sure hope you'll consider going to maximumfund.org slash join this week, especially. Yeah, I hope you do more than consider it. Honestly, I hope you actually do it. Yeah, do it right now while you're thinking about it. This money goes to support us and the show and all of the costs associated with it. We don't live extravagant lives. Like, this is not a fucking lottery ticket for us, okay? Like, we're trying to sustain this great thing

that we're doing, and it's growing every year. We're normal men. We're just innocent men. Yeah, so if you got the five bucks, head on over to MaximumFun.org slash join right now and do what must be done. You know, maybe if we moved to West Virginia or something, we'd be living high on the hog. Trying to just fucking scrape by in LA.

Yeah, we do have to thank Wendy Pretty and Rob Adler and Bill Tilly and all of the great folks over here that help us. Also got to thank Adam Ragusea who made our parody theme music based on Diane Warren's original song for Star Trek Enterprise We really really appreciate all of his great help Just love working with that guy. So yeah with that We will be back at you

next time with another great episode of Star Trek Enterprise and an episode of the Greatest Generation Enterprise where our integrity was never really in question. Yeah, no one ever considers it. Would it surprise you to know that these websites are terrible? Shocked. I'm shocked by that. Maximum fun. A worker-owned network. Of artist-owned shows.

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