The Greatest Generation - The TV Taint (ENT S3E17)

Episode Date: September 1, 2025

When the Entrepreneur pulls up on LV-426, the crashed ship on the surface does indeed have alien eggs aboard. But after one of them blasts in Archer’s face without asking, he becomes more and more willing to sacrifice the mission for his personal obsession with saving the children. How many Xenomorphs would it take to conquer Earth? What’s never an accident? Do baby Insectoids have a favorite food? It’s the episode that explores Trip’s gravy-based fantasies.Support the production of The Greatest GenerationGet a thing at podshop.biz!Sign up for our mailing list!Follow The Game of Buttholes: The Will of the Riker - Quantum LeapThe Greatest Generation is produced by Wynde PriddySocial media is managed by Rob Adler and Bill TilleyMusic by Adam Ragusea & Dark MateriaFriends of DeSoto for: Labor | Democracy | JusticeDiscuss the show using the hashtag #GreatestGen and find us on social media:YouTube | Facebook | X | Instagram | TikTok | Mastodon | Bluesky | ThreadsAnd check out these online communities run by FODs: Reddit | USS Hood Discord | Facebook group | Wikia | FriendsOfDeSoto.social

Here's to the finest crew in starving. When it comes to my crew, you won't get any argument from me. This is a parody. Paramount owns the song. Welcome to the Greatest Generation. It's a Star Trek podcast by a couple of guys just a little bit embarrassed about having a Star Trek podcast. I'm Adam Pranica. I've been, you know how I've been kind of experimenting with pre-show.

diet and drinks. Right. I recently confided in you that I've just recently become an afternoon coffee guy, after not being an afternoon coffee guy. Yeah, back on. That is nothing compared to what I did to myself today. Oh, boy. I had a very sensible lunch.

Do you have apple juice? Super sensible lunch. Okay. Like the sort of clean, burning can of tuna that you want on most days. You know what I put on top of that? Like after I was done with my sensible tuna lunch Oh so you didn't actually like open a can of tuna and then sprinkle something on it No I mean I I made up a tuna salad for myself that wasn't like that's keeping it sensible

That's not putting chocolate sauce on a tuna can What I did did when I was done was I inspired by you and recording an episode of Wholesome this morning where your topic was ice cream. Yeah. I reached in there and grabbed a Grater's ice cream sandwich. Okay. And I fucking housed that thing five minutes before getting on Mike. Yes.

Yes. I never eat a whole one of those. I always split them with my wife. I cut it in half, and then we both have a half of ice cream sandwich, and it's like, that's the perfect dose. You know, I can't imagine anything that would make me more angry than eating half of an ice cream sandwich. sandwich. This thing, it's so powerfully sugary. It is so full of stuff you should only have half of. I just rarely want more than that, except today I was like, no, we're going to keep running this experiment. We're going to keep putting weird shit into the Mr. Fusion machine

that is Adam's Tum-Tum right before a record, and we're going to see what happens. I really enjoyed the Grater's ice cream that we got, I did not know that they had a sandwich on their list of offerings. I know what it is to say this, Ben. Yeah. It kicks the shit out of an it's it. Oh. Throw your it's-its-it's away if you get a Grater's ice cream sandwich in your house. Please don't say hurtful things to me like that. I know that's the most harmful thing I could say to you on any given day, but I'm telling you, I haven't even looked at an it's-it-it since the Grater's version appeared in my freezer. It's an attack on my identity as a bedestrian.

I put in graders into my browser and it auto-completed to graders Rosh Hashanah gift selection. I don't know why. I guess I must have looked that up at some point. I think no matter what you search, it just auto-completes-to-Rashana gift selection. Yeah, yeah. Like your pornography is incredibly co-eastern. sure. Yeah. I mean, I was on the It's It website not two days ago, and that auto-completed to Rosh Hashanah

gift selection. There you go. Yeah. The algorithm knows you. I'm excited about this, Adam, because, I mean, when we met, you were, like, essentially a lactose-free person, and now you're putting an entire ice cream sandwich down right before a record. This could be the best thing that ever happened to us. It could be the worst thing that ever happened to us. It could be the worst thing that ever happened to us. You could call me a creamy guy, Ben, because much like a mutual friend of ours who used to work at an ice cream shop whose employees were known as creamy girls in a kind of disgusting way. Oh, boy. Yeah, no ice cream shop HR departments in the mid to late 90s. Oh. Yeah, the creamy girls were serving the ice cream just as me. A creamy guy ate the ice cream before the record today. Yeah. Yeah. I like it.

Let's see what happens. I feel bad that I didn't eat anything weird. I just had a whole bunch of watermelon and a cassidia for lunch. That also sounds good. Yeah, yeah, but it's no greater ice cream sandwich. You know what? You've got the freezer space that I don't. I do. I do. Get some of these ice cream sandoes coming directly to your doorstep. This is not branded content. I know it sounds that way. had FODs sending us graders and now I'm hooked. You know, I was kind of hoping when the FOD Grater's gift showed up. It was like a gift card. We each got a gift card. I was hoping that that would set off a FOD competition, like regional ice cream competition. Like no, come on Ohio's best ice cream has nothing on Wisconsin's best ice cream. You must try this one now. Like then nobody

followed suit. Nobody tried to trump graders. Look at you wanting the FODs to fight amongst each other for our love. That's fucking sick, man. I say all the FODs gather equidistant from me and Adam and each hold out your ice cream and see which one of you we come to. I don't ever want to be in a place with that many FODs.

It's our like final show, a sellout arena concept. but it's it that's it yeah after that we're dead arena loading talk concert that's what that would be well a lot of a lot of sticky stuff in today's episode of Star Trek Enterprise Adam amazing pivot you got that right Ben let's get into this bizarre episode of Enterprise shall we it is Do it. Enterprise Season 3, episode 17. It's called hatchery.

Got free speech and guitar. We're in orbit of a planet with a crash chip down there. It looks like a kind of like an icy world with some, like some caramel stirred in there, you know, make it a little more interesting on the palate. It's an ice cream plant. A salted caramel planet. It's a got a little bit fucked out in 2012 planet. But there's a crashed Zindy's ship on the surface and does not read as a reptiloid or a primate kind. So they're kind of curious about this thing.

When you're a science fiction show and you're depicting a crash ship on a planet, What do you think of besides LV426, the old space jockey, the old shipful egg situation? Yeah. How can you not start thinking those thoughts at this point? It is a ton of fun until you see what they're able to accomplish on a television budget with that exact set of parameters. I mean, at the moment of this recording, I'm seeing billboards all around of an alien Earth. series, which is going to be a TV show series set in the alien expanded universe. And it makes me wonder, right? First of all, I love this billboard because it's like, it's like Earth from

space and you're seeing an alien xenomorph shape in the swirling clouds of a hurricane. A storm is brewing at him. I can't imagine, like I just, I had to do it in parts. I watched the first half of Alien Romulus, really enjoyed it. I think most people bet on you seeing the first half. Yeah. Eventually, I got back around to catch in the second half. I also thought that was pretty good, although, had a lot

of, I don't know, I felt like they kind of finished it exactly the same way Alien Resurrection finished, you know? Just like with more modern special effects budget, I guess, but, you know, I thought it was a pretty decent

movie overall. I like the way it did some continuity stuff between the Prometheus films and the aliens films. But it is very hard for me to imagine like that level of dread being something

that you can sustain from week to week on a TV show. You know? Like there's a promise of the premise issue. Like part of it is that like a movie is long and you can get really freaked out over the course of a long movie. I'm gesturing broadly at the, what, 27 seasons of Walking Dead and related other series tangentially attached to that franchise?

I'm not aware. People love dread. I am the law. I guess so. People love dread and gore. Okay. Maybe there'll be lots of dread and gore. I don't know.

I got to believe that if the xenomorphs were, like, gathering and they're like, how many eggs do you think Earth gets? Like, how many eggs do you think would be sufficient? What they don't know is that one egg would do it. Because one dipshit would encounter this thing and be like, no one's going to tell me not to stick my face in an alien egg. He'd saunter out there. He'd thwap. Yeah.

He'd get it. He'd have a chestburster burst forth. And then that would be it. It would just take one. All would take. So Archer is given this information. And he's like, I'm not really sure what to do. So he goes down this narrow little hallway into a octagonal room that's got nothing but kind of yellowish lights all over every wall.

And he punches into a computer, what do I do? And the computer, mother tells him, you got to get down there and investigate. Yeah. After the theme, a shuttle pod is launched. Folks head down to the surface. And this dustbuster club at first is wearing EV suits with flashlights on their heads. as they walk through this crash ship and Archer's leading the way

when he finds a couple of dead insectoid zindi on the ground and he wants these deads beamed back to Enterprise for autopsy. This is going to be an exciting moment for Dr. Flox. You think Dr. Flox is up there in Six Bay when the Dustbuster clubs happen?

Like, maybe even already gloved up. Like, someone's going to get sent to him. He doesn't know what kind of person it's going to be. Could be someone from the crew. Could be someone that they encounter down there. He's already rolled back the days since an alien autopsy in this lab sign to zero. He's excited.

It's a great day for him. Yeah. So it's bug Zindies and... Hey, do you think as soon as they realize what kind of Zindy they've encountered down there, Lieutenant Sheldon would be like, but Zindy? I mean, it's a paramount. property. So chances are pretty good that Lieutenant Shelton would say that. Yeah, they wouldn't get in trouble or anything. No. Like they wouldn't have to even be the cowards that we would probably

be in hide behind parody law. Sure. Parity law being the parents stocking legs that we grab hold of and hide behind like so many Muppet babies. We've got a couple of teams going around. One team, led by Archer finds. There's a shuttle bay with a pretty cool-looking Zindy shuttle in it, but doesn't look too badly damaged. And then there's this other team with Trip to Paul and Reid, and they find a computer ball that looks like it would be right at home on like a Ferengi ship. Yeah.

And they're walking around. Reid's talking about how exciting this would be for his father, who's a real bug nut, loves collecting bugs. I want Reed's father to meet insects indy and try to defend this to them am I incorrect into remembering that one of your parents collects bugs

no neither of them do that I feel like a friend's parents have like a bunch of those frames with the butterflies and the pins and so forth but I can't recall which one those frames with the butterflies in them are always so cool to look at yeah I wouldn't mind having one of those but I mean I feel

like you're kind of like fake in the funk if you just buy one, you know? Like, ideally, if you're a bug nut, you'd like capture and mount the butterflies yourself, right? I mean, this is very clearly a thrift store or outdoor market type situation. I think you could feel good about making a purchase in one of those places. I suppose so. Yeah. Yeah, if it's supporting like a good cause or whatever, one of those thrift stores. Anyways, they find this reinforced chain that fills up with atmosphere once they go inside. And I love that Reed has to go first on the helmet removal. That feels factual to this show.

Like, if anyone's going to take their helmet off, Reed has to do it first. Yeah, and it's okay, right? A little bit stale, but we can survive in it. Cut back over to Archer and Hawkins, as they are aboard the shuttle that they found. We do some cutting back and forth and splitting up in this scene. This shuttle is a little bit more than a shuttle.

It's not like a Federation shuttle. This thing is armed to the teeth. Fighter jet, basically. But very clearly and very early on, there's like a, hey, look at what we found measuring contest. Like, they don't get too far with the, oh, wow, check out the armaments on this thing before they're called back to the hatchery where they find 31 eggs. They would appear to be. The crew's offspring. They kind of look very scrotal hanging from the ceiling.

Like those glass buoys in a tiki bar, they're like suspended, not from the bottom, but like from some, I don't know, some claws. Yeah. It's like that stuff that like muscles use to attach themselves to rocks. Like it's kind of like fibrous and gross looking. And they're dangling all over the place. And we learn that the systems that are keeping these eggs viable. are starting to lose power. So Archer's like, huh, well, this warrants some further study.

Anyways, like, take that cool-ass fighter jet that we discovered back to the entrepreneur, and let's do a little poking around. I mean, you said Scrodle earlier, and I think that that's important to note when this hatchery goes and blasts on Archer's face without even asking. You spend enough time with your face near a scrotel

wrote him. This is going to happen. Right. It can happen by accident. That's fine. You know, like it's obviously like not ideal. Ben, if you've been told it was an accident, it wasn't an accident. It's not an accident. I promise you it's not an accident. Well, it could be a happy accident, you know? Here's the thing about this moment. In any other science fiction franchise, maybe even on this very show, you'd be quarantined. you'd have to go to the decontamination chamber at least. Right. And the idea that Archer isn't immediately quarantined the way he should be,

oh, I just broke the episode. Like, you just can't do it. I guess that's the reason. I mean, to give like a feeble head cannon gesture at unbreaking, like, do they have some way of determining whether something is like pathogenic? Like it could be, it could jump from Archer. Like Archer's not going around this century Rubbing his face on everybody

You know Like does that make it okay For him to not be stuck in the decon chamber You know how when if you got crud on your hands Like a reasonable thing to do Is wash the crud off Right Get some water wipe off that crud

The thing about this is Archer does not wash himself His face or his body For many days Starting now Very weird It's good faith He goes to believe

I can do parody He goes to Six Bay And we learn that Whatever got on him is a mild neurotoxin, but an ointment Should straighten things right out And we cut over to One of the shuttles, which is pulling

this fighter on a couple of grapplers Back to the entrepreneur And Reed and Hayes are a board and they've also bagged up the corpses of the zindi bodies that they found you better double bag those right if you're in charge of of body duty to both please that booty and transport the bodies like because the insects they've got sharp clars they're pokey in different places and are we really sure that they're dead yeah i mean haze even brings up that there are hibernating insects on earth like Who's to say whether Zindy Insects do that or not?

I think it's safe to assume it's dead. Just being cautious. Composition does a lot in this scene. And by that I mean this whole backseat driver energy that Hayes gives Reed when it comes to doing more weapons training and so forth. Like TV shows have to do, both characters must be facing the camera to have a conversation. But the energy of guy in the back piping up is just really evident. here. I was really surprised that Hayes didn't have those insect bodies strapped down.

You would think the leader of a military, like a highly trained military unit would be a little bit more like squared away and buttoned up with the way he stows corpses. I mean, look at any ambulance when they arrive on the scene of a dead. Like the bag is zipped up onto the gurney and then straps are strapped on the bag. Straps on the gurney, yeah. Yeah. The straps on the gurney, straps on the gurney. He is strapping them on the gurney as they're talking about this idea he has of scheduling some more training for the senior officers because it's going well, but he thinks that they

have a little ways to go in terms of learning how to be elite fighters. There's no way to say that that doesn't sound condescending, right? like even if there's a purity of what Hayes is saying that's like hey you guys are doing great I wish you were a little better whatever version of that you want to say always sounds bad to someone who's going to be defensive as a resting state right yeah we can't all spend our time playing holographic games in the armory read has come a long way and how defensive he feels about Hayes but he's trying to push back in the context of like hey man like that's movie night that you're trying to schedule that on and it makes them look so stupid say anything but

movie night read yeah like say say my officers need rest right because sleep is important to health in a variety of ways like anything like trip gets his special rubdowns from to paul that night are you really going to deprive my man of his special rubdowns i'm sorry that is of course ice cream sandwich night. And who would want to miss that? If you can believe it, someone sent something to the enterprise that's even better than greatest. Impossible.

So trip and to Paul visit Archer in his clarinet rental closet to talk about the why of this ship crashing that came out of one of these vortexes and had some engine problem and put it down hard on the planet, but interestingly, the crew then transferred all of the remaining energy on this ship to run life support in the hatchery. And archer's like, I want to fix that hatchery. I want to like set it up so that it can run long enough that when some Zindy come around, they can save the babies and know that we're not monsters. When a zindi ship drops out of subspace When the crash land

With no one who saves I just need two more Verses to say What could be worse He's doing it There's some like, you're really going to save those bugs, Captain? Yeah. And some like, what if it was little babies?

What if it was drawers and drawers full of little humanoid babies? You'd save them, wouldn't you? What if it were a nursery full of Florida sisters? That's impossible, Captain? But we're not debating it. That is not up for discussion. These are orders. So, like, there's going to be an engineering detachment that focuses on getting the life support on firmer footing for the hatchery.

But meanwhile, Archer wants Tripp and Travis to teach themselves how to operate the fighter that they found. If you thought this was eventually going to turn into a third act of Independence Day style story where we would see this fighter in action, kicking a bunch of ass. Yeah. Maybe the next episode, like, do we have any resolution about what happened to this thing? I feel like it's because this show is in the liminal space between TV as it once was and TV as it is now. That, like, this reads as we're setting something up for Act 3 of this episode, and in fact, it is setting something up for way later if it's setting something up at all. It's in television perennium. Is that what that is?

Yeah, the TV taint. Uh-huh. Tripp and Travis are struggling to figure out the controls of this thing. I don't know about you, but every time I see Mayweather on screen now and he has dialogue, like, I am locked in. I am paying attention. I know. What's he going to do? He gets so little.

I'm like, this is important. Yeah. You could probably fly this thing inside a gas giant. Gotta be, right? Yeah. They're struggling to figure this out. So they go to the lunchroom to talk to Reed about, you know, if he has any ideas about this thing.

And Reed is like, like, why are we staying and fixing up the crossed ship? And it puts Tripp in the kind of weird, uncomfortable position of defending an order that the captain gave that Tripp doesn't really even agree with. Just a moment before. Yeah. He's come all the way around on this. Yeah. Like he's I feel like playing devil's advocate Like maybe it's good tactics to like understand our enemy better

And we can we can study him up if we're here Reed I just got to tell you Do you think a plate full of mashed potatoes Really makes a the sort of lunch that is gonna see you through the afternoon shift We don't know how much longer we're gonna be working today Wouldn't you prefer something that was a pure power a cleaner protein? Oh not to worry commander i'm planning on having an ice cream sandwich right after this there it is yeah yep uh in six bay we learn a little bit about insect biology this is flocks reporting to

archer on the cadaver that he's digging into these uh zindi appear to take many mates they are all genderless uh many many wives and husbands had to time. You could say that this particular specimen could get it. Yeah, egg layers, all of them. They produce asexually. And

here's the thing. Like, as fun as that sounds, they only live for 12 years, max. And that's a little bit of a bummer, right? This one right here on the table with its chest completely opened up, only live to 10. One of the older ones, it has said.

This is the first moment where it starts to feel weird how gross archer's uniform has stayed. Like, he's been in his office. Like, did he not have time to change out of this disgusting uniform? The lighting does so much here. Because, like, in the office, you could argue, ah, like, there's not a lot of illumination in there. Yeah, maybe he missed that.

You're not maybe looking into a mirror in your office. But, like, when you go to a medical facility and those hot lights are on, Oh, hey, Archer, while you're in here, like, try to minimize how many surfaces you touch, because we're going to have to, like, go back over that with iodine or something. It's wild how Dr. Flox recommends rest for Archer, but I think baked into rest is, like, taking off and changing your uniform, right? No one's going to go to bed like that. You're not getting in bed in that know-how. No.

Archer's like, cool, well, I'll take that under advisement. Desist Because you really think it's fair use Topala goes down to the crash ship And is trying to get into the hatchery When she finds that a A couple of Makos have been posted by the door As like added security

That's weird Yeah There's nobody down here Yeah I guess it kind of makes sense You could make the case for it These eggs are vulnerable Yeah, like, I mean, except for when she asks Archer about it, he's like, you know, there could be predators.

And she's like, they're not. Yeah. We scanned the planet. There's no predators. It's like microbes and stuff. Inside Tripp and Archer are working on attaching some jumper cables to the hatchery because power is going to be necessary to keep these little eggs living. And when they turn on the power and the sparks start flying. and the eggs start breaking.

It is pretty clear this experiment is a failure. Yeah. You know, some sparks fly knocking one of the eggs off the wall, and we see a sweet whittle baby bug writhing in its afterbirth, and this is treated as a huge medical emergency. But we catch up with it in the next scene in flocks his hands as just a little action figure of a bug. I mean, the mood is pretty somber as he wraps the bug in a paper towel and places it into the kitchen garbage can.

He does that thing where he drags his fingers over the eyelids of the bug first. Yeah. RSVP, baby bug. Archer wants to maybe plan a funeral? Yeah. That's weird. Learn about their death rituals. an order that he gives, because they've, like, downloaded the computer files of this ship also.

Yeah. You start talking about, like, what is it going to take to get, you know, like, we can't take this hatchery with us because their systems are not compatible with our systems. They're, like, built right into the makeup of the ship. So it's decided that the only way to do this would be to get the main reactor of the insect vessel back online. And to do that, they're going to need a lot of antimatter. And Tripp is like, um, not so sure. And Tepal's like, we don't have like all of the antimatter in the world left aboard.

Like, I don't know. I don't know, Cap. Where are you going to get the raw materials? Like they work so hard for these resources already up until now and knowing that they're in the expanse. and, you know, to get more would require turning back and leaving, like, it seems insane that they would sacrifice something this important. In the command center, Tripp briefs to Paul and Reed, and only to Paul and Reed, on what this means. Because he's like, run the numbers, and they, like, we're down to 60% of our reserves.

What the captain is asking for is a third of what we have left. and I just don't love the idea so Topal is like yeah it's fucked up belay the captain's order for now and I will go and speak with him and we'll talk it out we're not going to be leaving

all this antimatter on this planet for these stupid bug babies where do you think Topal is going to find Archer in the hatchery because that's where he always is where he be and she tries to argue that

they can't really afford this. This would be a nice to have, not a need to have. And he turns it around on her and makes it an ethical issue. Like, I can't believe you would be so calloused with intelligent life. Like, our whole thing is to stop this potential genocide of our species. And they believe that that is necessary because they believe we are monsters. We can show them that we're not by doing this. To Paul is like, if that's how you feel.

feel, I'm just not going to obey your order because it's crazy. And you think that this is going to be the sort of Crimson Tide moment where Tepal will stick up for herself utterly in this scene. But no, like, Major Hayes is the Cobb here, and the Cobb takes to Paul back to her quarters. She is relieved of command. And on the ship, Archer has finally taken a bath. Oh, what a relief. I didn't realize how bad I needed a shower. I spent too much time in that hatchery.

What do you think was the moment that finally tipped him into maybe I should take a shower and clean myself? Hard to know what his final limit was there. I don't know. I sort of wondered if it was a production thing. Like, we've, like, grossed him up, like, progressively scene to scene. And it's at this point so stomach churning that people are going to be pushing their TV dinners away from them.

watching this episode, so maybe we just, like, throw a bath in there as a plot device. It seems like you eventually become so filthy and gross filthy that there is no interaction you could have with a crew person that didn't also include, you got some crud on you. Yeah. You fall into some crud or something? What's happening? Yeah. I can't listen to your orders.

I can't hear anything you're saying. Hoshi's like, Captain, we've been making progress on translating the database. Trip arrives right on time for Archer to step out of the shower, telling him that the antimatter transfer process has begun. And also, it's a little strange that Topal has been locked up because if you're locking her up for her feelings about this mission, you might as well put me in there too.

In fact, there's nothing I would love more than to be locked against my will in a room with Chapal. Strip us down, make sure we don't have any weapons and then shove us into a tight room together. Maybe see if I could be tied up with little loops of rope around, you know, each nipple on my arms.

You're never going to let that go, are you? Maybe the only food you give us is gravy, just very thin gravy, bowls and bowls of it. You slide through the little slots. You know, you didn't look too much like somebody that hadn't been doing gravy play earlier this episode, Captain. And because we're both wearing handcuffs, I got to feed her the gravy, and she's got to feed it to me. Scooping it up on those long fingernails of hers. he's like, well, as long as DePaul isn't going to be a first officer, I think Reed should be it, because I need to be in the engine room, and I think the first officer needs to be on the bridge. This is the moment I thought Tripp was compromised somehow. Did an egg shoot him in the face?

What is this Reed idea? Oof. Yeah. A bad call by Tripp. I do like that, that stitch of dialogue Tripp has is like so familiar to the helpful employee. who doesn't want to be elevated into a bunch of bullshit extra work. Like, I do it myself, Captain, but engineering is just so far away. And you don't want me running back and force between departments that way. Yeah. They get into the ethical argument again about, like,

can't we just not use all of our antimatter for this stupid project? And the captain tells a story about the eugenics wars and, like, a hospital that was, in between his grandfather's unit and some Connunian Singh mutant unit where they agreed not to kill the children in the hospital until the hospital could be evacuated. There are rules, true. Even in war. Do you think this is a good message to you? This is such fucking bullshit.

Wow, there's such nobility in war. Yeah, let's take a Christmas armistice and then get back to killing each other later. Captain, this ain't bowling, it's the eugenics wars. There are rules. Yeah. I feel like Archer's very self-satisfied in this moment. Like, I sure told him. Very convincing. Gotta help the kiddos. Legally, it's just a fart joke. Support Greatest Jen and eat great with factor meals. It took me a long time to get with the food delivered to your door thing.

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On Judge John Hodgman, the courtroom is fake, but the disputes are real. Brian would say, I'm the Gumby of this family. He's just not. Claiming to be Gumby is an ungumby-like claim. No, it's just Gumby and I being our authentic selves. So what's your complaint? Too many sauces? There are no foods on which to put the sauces. Have we named all the sauces on the top shelf yet?

Not even close. You economize when it comes to pants. Truly, it's not about the cleanliness of the pants. Well, why isn't it? This is what I want to know. Judge John Hodgman, fake court, weird cases, real justice. On maximum fun.org, YouTube, and everywhere you get podcasts. Who guests on Jordan Jesse Go? I mean, we could just list Pat and Oswald, Kumail Najjani, Maria Bamford, whatever.

We couldn't remember all of them. So we asked my kids. Uh, famous people? How famous? I don't know, pretty famous. Duh. Really tiny celebrities who would go on this train wreck instead of like a big talk show. There's just a bunch of people on your show.

Jordan Jesse Goh, a comedy show for grownups. You will never take the greatest shit alive. Ben would rather die. There's a moment where Hayes and Reed have a little meeting where Hayes has prepared some battle simulations between the entrepreneur and an insect type Zindy ship. and Reed is initially like, what the fuck have you been doing running little games, this little fight simulator games in my computer? And then he realized that what Hayes has gone and done

is figure out a weakness that they can exploit on the Zindy ship. And Reed, to his credit, turns this into an adder boy. And he's like pretty pleased to have some actionable intel that they can use in combat. And then they kind of pivot into talking about how fucking weird Archer is acting. Hayes is like, now here's the thing about this intelligence I gave you. You have to hit this spot on this Zindy ship with a weapon while you're both moving. Like that's what this whole simulation read.

I know you think it's cool, but like really think about this for a second. You have got to target the weapons. Enterprise is moving. So is the Zindi ship. And Reed is like, this spot? And Hayes is like, no, you're nowhere near it. Oh, this spot here? No.

What about that spot? Hayes is like, dude, that isn't even part of the ship. Wait, wait a second. Can you see? Is that your problem, Reed? Promise you won't tell the others. You need to see Dr. Flux. Reed's problem is he's just two.

proud for glasses? So, yeah, they have a little chat about what a weirdo archer's being, and we get a trip in the hallway, and he walks up to Tepal's quarters, looking for his rub down. Doctor's orders. He gets the kind of big dog, a Mako that is there. I guess Tepal has not been put at the brig. She's been confined to quarters. Trips like, this is a prescription for massage.

Now, once I'm in there, I would recommend five large steps away from the door. You know, put on some headphones, too, is what I'd say. You can still do your patrol or whatnot, but you don't want to hear what's going to come out of that quarters. You know, like, don't judge the way a Vulcan massage is. It's different, okay? This is actually them having an illicit conversation about the fact that they're leaving a huge portion of their antimatter behind on this planet. What do you think about the energy of this scene, Tepal versus Trip? It feels like Tepal is so much more energized for mutiny.

They're not saying the word at this point, but like she's ready to make moves. And Tripp still seems like the one who needs convincing. Yeah, because she's like been thinking this through and stewing since she got locked up so she's fully pissed now. Yeah, and she thinks flocks is going to be able to find a way

to make the medical case for relieving Archer of Command. They just need to slow down the loading the Zindi reactor with antimatter project until they can get the data that they need. And this is

happening as a vortex starts to open in the system and an insectoid vessel comes through and acting Captain Reed is forced to take initiative and respond to this potential insect attack. In the time it takes for Archer to reach the bridge, Reed has fired on this ship and you think for a moment it's just been disabled, but Archer's timing is perfect. Like the doors open, he's like, what's going on out there? And then boom, goes to this Indy ship. And Reader's like, oh my fucking God!

This is the first time this has ever happened. I actually destroyed a hostile vessel that wasn't just a derelict in space. We shot it with trouble. I mean, Hayes does deserve a small portion of the credit because he came up with this whole thing. But somehow, by accident, I found the magic spot. I stimulated it, and I destroyed.

ship me read no good deed goes unpunished here at no good read goes unpunished here because he gets relieved of duty and replaced by major hayes maybe the worst part of this oh like his greatest fear realized in this moment like like snatched from the jaws of his triumph the first successful combat mission he's ever done yeah an archer's fury with him because he's like, they could have helped us save those fucking babies. Yeah. That's tough. I love how awkward it is on the bridge after this.

Like all of the main cast who, you know, like Hoshi and Travis don't get lines here, but they get reacts, you know, like, ooh. If there was ever a moment in Star Trek that had turned to camera would have been, like, welcome and understood, it's like here. Yeah. Office me. Archer wants Hoshi to translate enough of this language that they'll be able to send an insect distress call so that they can call in the cavalry to save these babies. Would it sound like that insect language

that Picard had to speak that one time? You remember that? Claxonries, Blas, Blas, Blas, carnick. Oh, yeah. clagg, click, click, cloggle, clag. Ooh, Adam, you had it almost exactly right, but you messed up one click sound, and they're going to kill us now.

Yeah, yeah. This is a good time for Archer to take Major Hayes into the ready room and be like, can you believe these fucking guys? Like, gesturing to the bridge? Like, seriously, I got to work with these dipshits. It sucks. I've been in space with these guys for like two and a half years,

and this is what they're up to. He does that thing where he's like, you guys, you makos, you really have it the right way. It's just all about following orders and the chain of command. Wish I had it like you. Yeah. He wants total loyalty from Hayes. And Hayes is a big believer in the chain. So that is what he is offering.

And yeah, he's going to be in command when Archer is not on the bridge now. Amazing. It's going to be weird to see that, I think. his uniform just blends into the seat like he just looks weird in that seat I think he gives an order and Travis turns around and is like who said that flax and to Paul go visit

Archer in the shuttle bay as he is personally loading 50 gallon drums of antimatter into a shuttle and we learn in this scene that he has not eaten or slept in two days and he has the strength to move these barrels Yeah, he is really on one.

I'd like you to go to Six-A with Flock's. Do I like sick to you? He agrees to getting the physical. He's like, oh, interesting idea. You think I might be losing my marbles? Well, we'll test it once the reactor's online, but not before. And, you know, sort of dismisses them from the room, and we realized that Flax had a tricorder in his pocket and was scanning the entire time.

Dr. Flux, is that a tricorder in your pocket? Or are you happy to see me? Are you just excited by what's going on in my forearms? Is it possible to be both? I am both happy to see you. Yeah, Tripp decides that time has kind of run out. They're going to be out of antimatter if Archer can be allowed to continue doing what he's doing. So it's like, fuck it, we're going to throw the rules out.

We're not like waiting for a medical intervention at this point. especially because an intervention would be based on what? Like the scan didn't give him any information that's actionable. He takes the yellow legal pad that he had written a letter on and like rips the top page off and crumples it up. He did hurt me. And I have allowed him to do that. But that doesn't matter now.

We got to stop this man, man. The inspirations for this episode are all around. In the hatchery of the far heart, legally it's just a far joke. In the hatchery, we get an interesting scene where Archer continues to do his work. And one of the eggs gets bigger. Yeah, start kind of bulging and pulsating. It's starting to look real hatchy. If one of your eggs gets bigger suddenly like this, I think you need to see you, doctor.

Mm-hmm. I think that's bad. Absolutely. There was a funny Archer look where he's like, All right, well, here we go. Yeah, that expression, pretty good. Yeah, I liked it. Trip and Reed and Flachs take out Daniel Day Kim

so that they can get to Paul and talk to her about what's going on and fully formalize their mutiny. They're like, do you think we can get haze in on this mutiny? And they decide, no, we just can't trust him. But we're going to need more than us for, right? Like, we can agree on that, can't we? We've got to have weps, he's the key.

And Reed's like, well, I've got some guys in the armory, and they're like, ooh, can we think of other people that might be, like, more helpful in the mutiny? But they can't. No. Yeah. We also realize that archers left alone in the hatchery by now. Like, he orders the remaining crew to leave him, which is maybe, like, if you're these random crew people and your captain says all right uh you guys can go and take the last remaining

shuttle with you and he's like attaching a hose to the kitchen sink closet and filling up a kiddie pool yeah oh no what are you doing archer i didn't love this scene for those randoms that's for sure yeah they get the guys in the armory like they're starting to shoot makos now this is starting to get a little bit, you know, weapons-free, mutiny situation. But the mutiny team is getting bigger and bigger. And most of them are heading to the bridge, but Tripp and one redshirt are beaming down to the wreck on the surface. Just one.

And they approach the hatchery where little baby insects, Indy, are skittering around. I couldn't rule out a conspiracy. moment at the end of this episode, you know? Hmm. Like, with the way these things move and that it's just the captain all by himself and he's already covered with a sort of jelly. Uh-huh. Like, you think he was potentially relishing in his body and he would have super

strength if they tried to fight him? Is Archer remicking here? It kind of feels that way. A little bit. A little bit. Yeah. Hayes realizes that something is fucked up on his ship because he, He gets a report that Daniel Day Kim has been found stunned, and Topal has been found not home.

So he's getting ready to, like, harden the bridge when the mutineers storm it. And it's a real terran standoff. Everybody's pointing guns at everybody. And down on the surface in the hatchery, Archer has now got, like, baby Zindy crawling all over his shirt. and another amazing look in this episode is Tripp just standing holding a gun at him and then deciding, ah, fuck it, I'm just going to shoot him.

The energy Archer has is like the old lady with the parakeets on her on the park bench, you know? Yeah, and it's like charming until you see the bird shit running down the back of her shirt. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with me. You're the weird one.

Is the energy. Like another really great expression by Bacula here to sell it. Do you think Tripp was aiming at one of the babies? Because he shot very, very close to one of the babies. I mean, I kind of feel like that's... It's something he could deny, you know? Yeah, possible deniability.

Yeah. It made me wonder how a phaser works, though, because, like, it stuns Archer, but the babies skitter away. So it's not like an electrical feel. It's not like if you're holding hands with somebody and they get shot with a phaser, you're going to be affected by it?

Yeah, or like if you're holding hands many people at a time, like in a row and the guy in front gets shot with the phaser. Right. It's not like amplifying the effect on the guy in the back. The one in back is going to get killed. And everyone knows that, Ben. That's the thing. Like, that's common knowledge.

The guy in front gets shot on the stun setting and the guy in back, you see his skeleton briefly as he vaporizes. That's what would happen. Yeah. Yeah. That's why you don't play with phasers. So on the bridge,

Mayweather is the one that actually goes for Major Hayes, and this is enough distraction that the rest of the Starfleets are able to stun the remaining Makos. Victory Starfleet! The Makos go down hard in a onboard a ship combat situation. This is some faint-ass praise.

But is this Mayweather's finest moment as a character on this show? It's pretty exciting. It's pretty great. It's like being back in the wall. Who are you? Insom Travis Mayweather. Parents must be very proud.

When I was a kid, we called the sweet spot. Who are you? I'm the houseman. I guess growing up a boomer has its advantages. And your mom? Very proud. That's true. Takes practice.

Other than keeping Anthony Mayweather up at night, I'm not sure what we expect to accomplish here. Yeah, I liked it. I wondered if they were trying to make the case that this was sort of Hayes hoisting himself on his own like the Starfleets wouldn't have been capable of this kind of guerrilla action had he not trained them so well you know that energy is totally absent from this in a way that I think would have been most welcome yeah like like fuck I shouldn't have shown him all those cool techniques as he goes down like there was an actual move that Mayweather used that was taught to him by

Hayes in order to do this yeah like what's the what's the Vulcan combat technique the the like The one where you punch, punch, punch, roll that to Paul taught, yeah. If they'd been specific enough about one move and then had Mayweather do it, that would have been a really fun flourish. He stopped short? That's my move. I mean, the visual metaphor is Mayweather snatching the pebble slash phaser from Hayes. Right. And taking it and using it against him.

Yeah. Yeah. He's defeated the master. I guess it's in there. Yeah. So later, we're at warp, and flocks has indeed found that the captain's behavior can be explained by the goo he got on his face. It wasn't just a neurotoxin. It caused him to reverse imprint on the eggs the way a baby goose imprints on whatever it sees when it hatches.

So he was like subsumed with an irrational need to defend the eggs and see them through to their. healthy hatching. This is all being explained to like the senior staff by flocks and Hayes is like, I want to hear it from the captain. Yeah. This Hayes character became very interesting to me in this episode.

Like, very dimensional because when Hayes and Reed have this moment that is like, look, man, I mean, you could have told me. Yeah. I was the acting captain to the ship. And Reed was like, Well, well, I couldn't be sure what side you'd be on.

And for Hayes to be like, well, yeah, I'd obviously be on the side of the captain. I'm Mako. Yeah. Like, Hayes is almost surprised at his own reflexive honesty there. Like, I think for a moment, in the beginning of the conversation, he sincerely thought he could have been an ally. But then he was like, oh, yeah. Ah, yeah. Maybe you did make the right choice.

Yeah. Like, that was a really interesting moment in the episode, I thought. I agree. Archer gets a visit from Tripp. who I feel like this is two episodes in a row where Archer is like laid out on his bed

and everybody's like no no no stay stay relaxing come on yeah but it's all good between them this was this was not Archer acting as Archer

this was Archer acting in the thrall of an alien goo sounds like we did get some of the antimatter back I wasn't totally clear on that but there's some mention made of that. We also learned that 19 of these babies

made it through the birthing process and have a good shot, as long as some Insect Zindy make it over there in time. As long as someone doesn't drop a book on that crash ship, they might have a chance. We cut up some oranges and put them on a paper plate on the floor. They should be

fine. We had flocks take a great big dump. And these critters love it. You should see the logs on this dump. I mean, you've heard of Captain's logs. You ain't seen nothing. This is part of how Zindy Society works so well.

Everybody eats each other's shit. And that's the end of the episode, Ben. Did you like it? I can't pay. Could for late. Got no case. Tempting bait. I did like this episode.

I think this show does a really good job of having this be like a protractive. warlike conflicts without it coming at the expense of some weird Star Trek adventurness to it. Like sometimes in Deep Space 9 when we were like episode 8 into a war with the founders scenario, I was just like, okay, like this has just become a show about war and war being hell. And like, I love that there's like a weird science element to this story that's like, you know, motivating strange action by characters and also like helping us learn about the other species and stuff. I think it's a really fun one. What about you?

I know Archer's supposed to be off the hook because he got ropes in his face by the Zindy insects. But I think that last scene what I needed from him is a more full-throated trip. The next time this happens, I'm encouraging you to shoot me. Yeah. This sort of weak kind of trip non-apology and Archer non-forgiveness at the end, I thought it could have been a real moment where both of them change for the better or learn something big about the relationship they have with each other. That it ends in such like a weird truce with like no energy in it at all. Right.

I was a little disappointed by the rest of the episode leading up to it really interesting. I love a mutiny. I love an episode like this. I like learning more about the Zindy. But like, man, to bring this story to a close and like have it have brought Tripp and Archer closer together would have been nice because I don't think you can say that this experience did that at all.

That's interesting. Yeah, like the, there's a thing that can happen in life, which is like somebody can hurt you and you find out later that like the reason and they hurt you was totally outside their control. But that doesn't like take away the fact that they hurt you. And that's sort of what happened here, right? Like Archer put the ship and the mission and everything in grave harm.

And it wasn't really his fault, but also he kind of needs to like make up for it and atone for it in a way. Or at least totally get trip off the hook. Yeah. Emphatically. Right. And talk about it as like in, in, in future, like, we need to be prepared for shit like this and, like, take seriously the

idea that in deep space, literally anything can happen. So, yeah, I think that's, I think that's a good point by you. Just hearing you say that made me want to add this point, this should maybe be the type of episode Star Trek does the most. Like, we got an example of this in TNG with the Fish Biscuit episode, Allegiance, where Picard was swapped. People should constantly be getting taken over by other beings, by other forces, by whatever. Like, that should be the primary danger of space travel on Star Trek. And that we only get one episode per series that seems to have something to do with that. I think sells the idea short.

Yeah. Yeah. But not sold short ever are the folks who leave P1s in our P1 inbox at them. Do you want to see if there's anything in there? Always fully sold, Ben. Priority one message from Starfleet coming in on secured channel. Need a supplemental income. Supplement.

Supplement. Yeah, it's extra. The interest alone could be enough to buy this ship. Beginning with a promotional message, it's from Queer Nex. Here's how that goes. Howdy DeSotee, DeSote. Our show Queer Nex is 50-50 trauma. and dark humor.

Like a country song by Big Gay Weird Al. Even in the before times, being a queer Appalachian was hard. Now it borders on untenable. We can't fix that, but we can promise you familiar voices and stories, stupid humor. And that, by God, you are not alone. You are not rotten. You are a bright, prismed light in dark times.

If you're homesick, lonely, or just curious about Appalachia. Is it Appalachia or Appalachia? I feel like there's a right answer and you can get in a lot of trouble for doing it wrong. Hey, Queernecks, we give you a column for pronunciation. No one wrote how to pronounce Appalachia or Appalachia. Come sit on the porch with Uncle Dash and Auntie Beck. So listen to Queernex. Every Monday, all the usual places where you can get a podcast.

Wow, that sounds like a really vital show in these dark times. So I hope a lot of people subscribe. I hope they get the greatest gen bump. Is this coming from the holler? If you're in and around, I'm going to say it a different time, Appalachia. I've heard Appalachian Trail. I don't think I've ever heard Appalachian Trail. See, I've heard Appalachian Trail.

Oh, really? I've heard it all the ways, yeah This is the last thing Dash and Beck want us to scrutinize Like, like They're They got a message of hope for people Who could really use one

And we're like, how do you How do you pronounce Appalachia? Yeah, Ankylosaur I do like the image of queer necks Like I'm just picturing like a sunburn That comes in rainbow on the back Of somebody's neck Yeah, yeah, that'll get you

Yeah, I think that's a lot of fun yeah Adam we have another one it's of a personal nature it's from Jay from from Dachesta and it's two

Ben and Adam see that's a pronunciation guide right there thank you Jay is it Dorchestershire guys

you've seen me through more than you can know just by being your dorky sexy cool selves in public Adam thank you for taking

your jacket off. Ben, thank you for discussing mental health openly and honestly, also masturbation. A couple of questions. If you each met your partner's lore, how would you tell? And are Trips nipples? Triples? Lisa needs braces. Oh, no. I'll be socially unpopular. More so. What does Jay mean with the whole taking my jacket off thing? Why don't I remember what that's in reference to? I remember a show in Chicago being very cold, and I wore a jacket on stage until the stage manager turned on the power heater and I took that thing

off real fast. That's the only like jacket specific memory I have of doing the show. Yeah. Maybe it was the other way around in a Boston show. I don't know. Hmm. Hmm. I think I would know Adams lore if he like, uh, maybe like showed up 15 minutes late. I'd be like, dead giveaway. This is not, this is, this is a body. snatch or similar. Something's wrong. Uh, yeah, and my version of that is when Ben's on time.

How dare you. I was here before you today. Jay's starting fights. Look at what you did, Jay. And yes, trips, nipples or triples. Yeah. Triples. Not triples. They're not fuzzy. If I don't shave my chest, I get triple nipples. Nibble triples.

Triple triples Maximumfund.org slash jumbotron is where you can go to give us a pronunciation challenge or any other message you'd like to share with the great big friend of DeSoto community and doing so

goes a long way in helping with the financial costs associated with the production of our show, so thanks. Hey Adam. What? Did you find yourself a drunk Shimoda? Drunk Shimoda

I read that the distressed Goop costume worn by Scott Bacula was auctioned off It's a rap sale in auction And I just want to make my drunk Shimoda The person who bought that You could have bought anything

You could have bought any uniform That's a sex thing right They're doing fucked up shit in the goop costume He was stating the obvious again They have to be. Like, here's the thing. You have the goop uniform and maybe you're caught wearing it by your partner. And they're like, hey, what are you doing?

What's all over that uniform? You can safely say, it came this way, babe. I didn't do this. This doesn't have anything to do with ropes. Yeah, yeah. Because your partner isn't going to be interested enough to remember where there were and were not ropes earlier. You know? You're the only one that knows that.

Yeah. It's like that Nike shoebox on Reddit is what this uniform has become. Pretty gnarly. Okay. That is the most persuasive argument for a truck Shimoda I've ever heard. So I think I have no choice but to join you on that square. All right. I got you.

Faith of the fart. Do you have a description of what episode we're going to be watching next week on the show? Ben, while I go over to gach.biz slash game to figure out how we're going to experience the review of it. I sure do, Adam. The next episode is called Azadi Prime. Archer sets out on a suicide mission to destroy the Zindy super weapon as Enterprise faces a brutal attack. Like the moment of truth in the episode is Archer like, All right. Someone's going to have to die to accomplish the mission, and he, like, looks at Reed. Kind of everyone on the bridge crew looks at Reed.

Like, someone, someone could step up and be in recorded history as the hero of Azadi Prime. The man who saved the human race. Who's going to be the one? Anybody got any letters that they'd like me to send, you know, in a post-mortem contact? on the bridge right now. There's absolutely no weapon to fire. Like, it definitely involves just one crew person choosing to get into another capsule

and go save the universe or whatever. They give everything so that we could have something kind of person. Is that person here now? Ben, let's see what we've got to give as we discussed that episode. Currently, our runabout is on square 90, Savon, and by the end of the roll of this die, we could be anywhere else.

You're required to learn as you play. Roll. Do it. Okay. Ben, I have landed us on a special square. It is a Quark Spar episode. Polymery! It's been a long time. I know.

will be having a bunch of drinks during, maybe in celebration of a successful victory and perhaps the death of a mainline character. Get your letters to X's ready for next week's episode, Adam.

I got to say, I'm also always looking forward to the support of the Friends of DeSoto the folks who go to maximum fun.org slash join and make this possible for everyone. We salute you. You are truly appreciated. Also, got to thank Wendy Pretty, our producer and editor who keeps the plate spinning, keeps everything coming out on time and

under budget. Got to thank Rob Adler, our social media director and the editor-in-chief of the greatest newsletter. We sure hope you'll sign up for our mailing list. Yeah, I think at this point, maybe we'll have pictures from STLV in there. Oh, yeah. All sorts of fun things in the that we try to keep just for newsletter people. So you get a special little glimpse into what's going on. Yeah. By signing up, and you should. Every time you get a newsletter, you get a discount code that you can use at podshop.biz,

our legendary podcast merchandise emporium. That's the main reason, right? Get that discount. That's how you got to do it. Got to thank Bill Tilley, our Zindy wartime consiglieri. Still making the amazing trading cards. You can find those on the... at Greatest Trek social media accounts

which we hope you'll also follow and we certainly must thank our buddy Adam Ragousia who made the parody theme song of this show. Also our co-host on Holsom, the aforementioned Holsom, just did an episode about ice cream, but every

week is an episode where one of the three of us approaches the other two with a pitch of a thing we really enjoy and it's just kind of a, you know, starting point for a conversation. Get to know us a little bit better, a little behind the scenes look at some of your favorite parisocial buddies.

Yeah, get into that. It's good. It's patreon.com slash wholesome underscore pod. And let's thank Dark Material for the Picard song you're hearing now. And with that, we'll be back at you next week. Another great episode of Star Trek Enterprise and episode of the Greatest Generation Enterprise where Adam and Ben test whether

being super wasted makes victory feel sweeter or more bitter in our mouths. Interesting. Yeah, let's find out. Maximum Fun. A worker-owned network of artists-owned shows. Supported directly by you.