The Harland Highway - 100,000 Subscribers CALL IN SHOW- We celebrate all you subscribers and take calls!

Episode Date: July 9, 2024

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I didn't think I'd be coming on here today talking about a manatees anews, but here we are, gang. They got them. Manatee's got to do their seaweed plops. So here we are. You're going about your day. You're doing your job. Everything was great. And now suddenly you're immersed in a conversation about manatee anews. It's not easy. No one said life was fair. No one said life happens the way you want it. You probably wanted to be what? You're leafing through your playboy. boy magazines or watching your Game of Thrones, maybe sitting down to some Kentucky fried chicken, but what did you get?

You got a manatee A-news. Here we are talking about a big manatee poophole. You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. Well, now, no, no, no, no, no, now, that's right. That's right. I do guarantee way down here in the Cajun Bayou. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, you on the Hollywood podcast right now. I do guarantee. You're not on any other roadway street, county line, correlation. door cul-de-sac.

You are on the only roadway that matter right now, and I do guarantee that the Harley Highway punker. Wow, welcome one and all. This is sort of another special show, gang. Holy gladiator juice. I don't know if you folks like the gladiator movies, I don't know if you've been to Rome. I don't know if you've been to the Coliseum,

but you've got to imagine, you've got to acknowledge that when those gladiators got out there, and they were swinging and chopping in that sweet Sicilian heat. They were sweating and spraying and bleeding and pussing. So you got to kind of hand it to me right out of the gate here on the highway that there was gladiator juice all over the place in Rome, in the Coliseum where the gladiators fought. The gladiators fought tiger, the gladiator fought the lion.

Oh, the mean old lion with the claw, the retractable claw. I mean, think about it, retractable. Like, you know, talk about nature's design, having a claw that retractable. Mm, mercy, Lord, love a salamander sack. But what a podcast we have here today. I have to do this. a few podcasts back, I was like, wow, we hit 90,000 followers, and I was so grateful and so excited and so juiced up. And I said, wow, imagine if we get to 100,000. And I'm not kidding,

about three weeks later, we hit 100,000. We're now in $100,000 dollar territory, not dollar, 100,000 subscriber territory. Can't put a price on subscribers. Baba's now, child. Kind of a Freudian slip. Mm, child. But a hundred thousand, so think of that. A hundred thousand, that's probably more people than fit inside the Roman Coliseum to watch the gladiator squirt the juice all around now.

So, holy smokes. I'm so, I'm so, I'm not overwhelmed, but I'm just so happy about it. And then apparently YouTube's going to send us a plaque, which we'll share with you. But anyways, I know I did all this when we hit 90, but real quick, I want to thank each and every one of you for subscribing, for being part of this journey where we keep growing and climbing. And if you haven't subscribed, please subscribe because now I'm going to start talking about getting to 200 subscribers.

Why not? It's the 90s. Let's have some fun, roller boogie. but oh i got to thank a few people and then we'll jump right into the pod i want to thank and last time i called her my my little my little intern but she's not a little intern amber who works here with me on the podcast she's the creative consultant she's been she's been elevated from intern and she oversees all kinds of the creative elements of the show and look what she made are you effing kidding me look what amber made 100,000 she'd got the icing she put it on a giant

chocolate chip cookie or it could be a pancake she's not well and uh look at this so uh next podcast i should be fairly fat you see this little cocoa by the way my thanks to my co-host today little cocoa. Do you like cookies, little cocoa? Do you speak? Do you say anything? You wooden headed, termite sniffing, lemon pled scented, garlic bread gurgling, olive garden waiter reject sucking, crab soup, dildo face. Nothing. Okay, well, thank you to Amber. Thank you to Amber for this beautiful cookie. Mmm, little cocoa.

Daddy got some icing, boy. Creep. Look away. I don't know if people's eyes can stink. Like, I don't know if your eyes can stink like a mouth or a, but this guy's eyes, something about them, they stink. They smell like radish soup.

And I don't even know if that's a real soup, but yuck. But I want to thank Amber for all her contributions. She works so hard. She's been such a believer in the show. She's so dedicated and wonderful. And so thank you, Amber, so much. You have no idea how appreciated you are.

And I love working with you and all your input shows. And it helps. So thank you. And I want to thank Keith. you look at the YouTube channel, we have these beautiful thumbnails. Every week, these really creative, colorful, fun thumbnails on our YouTube page. And those are done by Keith. He does that. So Keith, thank you. Amazing work. Love working with you. Every week, he surprises me and turns in these beautiful thumbnails. I want to thank the people at Seven Equis. These are the

the people that I partnered up with and they help find sponsors for the show. So I want to thank George and Grace. George is a producer that works with Bobby Lee on his shows. And he's been nothing short of amazing. I met with George before I even started this whole thing. And we went out to lunch and I talked about him and I talked about the vision. And George was a mentor and he guided me and he gave me tips on what to do. and what not to do and have no idea how much I appreciate that.

And Grace, who's been working diligently to find sponsors for the show, which help us grow. And, you know, I know sometimes I don't like to look at commercials either, but they're a necessity. I think you guys understand that. So it's great. And then I also want to thank all my amazing guests that have come up here, you know, from Bobby Lee to,

everybody. I mean, there's so many. It's like I can't even, Sarah Colonna and Michael Rosenbaum and Fred, everybody, there's just like, there's so many names going through my head right now, but you know them all, Polly Shore and all the gang, Jeselnick, and so many funny people, Will Sassau. I mean, there's just so many. I don't want to do. do it all because I'll miss some and then people will be offended and they'll never come on. They'll never come on the 100,000 subscriber podcast ever again. So thank you to all. And as if this show wasn't enough, I want to tell you about another podcast I'm doing,

which comes out this week at aired July 4th. And it's a podcast I'm doing with the great, wonderful, hilarious Howie Mandel, fellow Canadian, fellow Canadian comedian. We actually started in the same comedy club up in Canada way back when. He had left before I got into the game, but he was an inspiration to me as I was coming up. And so we were doing our own podcast and I was called When a Stranger Calls, and it is so fun. Me and how we sit in a studio and we take phone calls, live phone calls from people on Zoom. And we just get to know them.

We talk with them. We ask them about their lives, their problems. They ask us questions. It is so, we're having so much fun doing it. And just the dynamic, but the interplay between Howie and myself is so much fun. I mean, half the fun is me and Howie joking around and the other half is talking to you guys. So get in tune with that podcast because we will put up notifications and you, you watching, can call in and perhaps you'll make it on. to the podcast, When a Stranger Calls.

Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello. When a stranger calls. Can we take a call? From who? Should we take a call? A stranger. Hi, Jamie. Do you remember me?

Uh-oh. Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm like talking to Carolyn Williams. Okay. Um, yeah, so. You guys live at WeHo or... You can pull it down with your fingers. Just pull your lower lip down. There we go, there we go.

He's got gingivitis. Oh, wow. No, no! No! You want me to really wake up my son? He's 11 years old? Yeah. Here we go.

Here we are. Caleb. What's the meaning of life? Any answer, Caleb? So that's enough of that. Let's get into the show. Thank you, everybody. Please subscribe.

Let's see if we can get to 200. And speaking of calls, why don't we take some phone calls and just have a little fun here today. Have a little fun, just the way they do out in Fun County, USA. Yeah, good old Fun County, just over the hill from Giggle Town, just northwest of. the Hilarityville. I don't know what I'm talking about. Let's take a call. Here we go. Darling, I am a huge fan. Congratulations on all of your success. I've enjoyed watching you

through all the years. I met you at a racquetball tournament in Los Angeles several years back, and I was curious if you still played racquetball. Thanks, keep up all the great work. I appreciate everything. Oh, yes. Yes, thank you. Well, yes, I do. still play racquetball. I've talked about it on the podcast before. It's a wonderful sport. If you've never played it, I recommend you tried. It takes very little gear to do it. Really, you just have to show up. You go into this cubicle, this big cubicle, and all you need is a racket, some glasses, and some running shoes, and maybe a glove. And oh my God, it's such a great workout. It's such a fun competitive game. It's really interesting because you're hitting a rubber ball against walls

and it's very unpredictable. Like a lot of times when you shoot a hockey puck or you spike a volleyball or you shoot a basketball, you kind of know the trajectory. You know, every now and then it'll have a weird bounce, but you have to aim and shoot. But with a racket ball, it's such a small bouncy ball and you're allowed to hit it off the roof, off the walls. So it's really almost like a cat chasing a laser and you never know what that ball's going to do and so it just keeps you so engaged and so excited in there and it really works out the whole body because you're lunging you're sprinting you're jumping you're it's a it's a wonderful sport i've talked about it before i won't go into it but i fluked into the game and uh someone asked me to play one day and i haven't stopped

um i think it was a really huge game in the 80s and then it just sort of tapered off i I don't know why, but it is telling you, get into that sport. It is so fun. Burns calories. You can play singles, doubles, the camaraderie between all the players when you play doubles is so much fun. A lot of yelling, a lot of arguing, but a lot of teamwork. So really enjoy it. And then for those of you that are sports fans, the number one racquetball player is a guy named Kane.

Kane Walsaninsky or something like that. It's a Polish name, I think. But Kane, he's a Canadian guy, and this guy has been the reigning champion of racquetball for I think the last two decades, 20 years, maybe longer. And to put his reign in perspective, to put his powerless in perspective, of this guy, I think I could be wrong,

but this is what I've heard. He's only lost a tournament maybe five times in his whole career. If it's not five, it's 10. It's somewhere so minute that you can't believe it. So imagine the records of Michael Jordan that are here that most will never be broken. The records of Tom Brady,

the records of Wayne Gretzky, the greatest hockey player ever, some would say. And then imagine a guy who's only lost in 20 years five, 10 times. So his record, you can't even see the stats on this guy. It's unbelievable. He'll go in and the second, third, fourth, fifth ranked players in the world will step on the court with this guy, Kane, and he will beat them like they are amateurs.

it's pretty phenomenal and that's one of the one of the amazing secrets of racquetball because it's a very tough intense sport takes extreme skill coordination athleticism and for one guy to reign supreme for that long and dominate and dominate the older players and the newer players and to just who does that in a sport i mean you've got glimpses of it with with Jordan and Gretzky and Brady. But, you know, those guys, their rain lasted this long. This guy, unbelievable. So worth looking at online on Google and, yeah, great sport.

Love it. And love your wife. Wait, what? Oh, God, why did I have to say the wife part? Let's keep going. Harlan I'm in a Fort Liquordale

Watching you and Polly Shore right now And it's great This content is just It is absolutely fucking phenomenal Polly The way he smacked that Pita out of your hand It's funny as shit And

The way you dump that box Of cereal on him was great man happened right here anyways i'm gonna go i'm gonna get on google and get on your fucking website and order some of that artwork because it's funny as shit and it's good oh wow all right all right uh that's great uh thank you just hearing that the laughter that's what it's all about just hearing the laughs i freaking love it man just just just hearing him giggle like You have no idea how much that fills my heart. It's so gratifying.

It's better than 100,000 listeners. It's like even if I only had 10,000 listeners or even 100 listeners, if I could get one guy to, you know, I could hear the joy in his laugh. Man, that's a win. So the fact that there's 100,000 of you guys and gals out there, wow. So what an honor. Thank you. And again, Polly Shore, just coming up here and having so much fun with the great guests.

And what a treat. So we're going to keep the guests coming. We're going to keep the comedy coming. Let's see who else we got. Hey, there, Harlan. Man, I really need your advice. I'm sitting outside on my front porch and I see two buzzards over in the distance circling around some trees in this wooded area. Did I go investigate that?

Because I believe they're circling over there for a reason. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Could be something dead. Probably.

Could be a person. Could be an animal. Maybe. It could be someone's cat. Cats an animal. What would you do in a situation like that? Would you go in the house and say, forget about it? Or would you walk over there, see what those buzzards are looking at?

Okay. Could be demons in there. We don't know. So thank you for your advice. All right. Well, here's my advice. Buzzards. It's also what I believe are vultures.

And I think the common species of vulture or buzzard around North America is the turkey vulture. That's, I think, the most common. You've probably seen them that these big blackbirds and their heads are red or pink. They've got a pinkish hue. And they're quite large. They're quite beautiful. They can be a little bit ugly around the head because it's not often you see a a bird with no feathers on its head.

Like even a bald eagle isn't bald. It has white, beautiful white plumage, right? But a vulture is actually, it's like all these beautiful black, dark feathers, and then suddenly the head is completely bald and it's pink. So it's a very odd-looking bird that can look a little onomous. Maybe they can come across as demons or spirits, as you described. But my guy, here's my advice.

go over and check it out. I mean, humans are naturally curious, right? And when you drive by a car crash on the road, you don't look away, you don't block it. You like, you're, you look. And I hate to say it morbidly, you almost kind of in the back of your head, hope you see like a body or someone in a car or it's weird.

It's just the way we're wired, gang. Why do you think we watch the news? Why do you think we watch evil? Caneval jump over cars. Why do you think we watch race cars? Half the time is because we want to see the wipeout. We want to see the human tragedy. Why do we, why do we watch skateboarders jump on railings? We want to see them break their spine. We want to see their spleen fly out of their mouth and get caught by a flying seal or something. So our natural curiosity, you look up in the sky, you see the circling vultures or the buzzards, and that's a sign that they've probably spotted something on the

ground, something dead, a corpse, or as it's called in the animal kingdom, carrion, not carry on like luggage, but carrion, a dead animal, a dead deceased animal just laying on the side of the road with its rotting corpse and maggots, and that's referred to as carrion. And so these vultures, They have a very important role in our ecology, not just in nature, but the maintenance of our whole ecosystem. These birds are responsible for cleaning things up. They're like the janitors of the bird world. They clean up all the contaminated meat and the rotting flesh and with all its bacteria.

I mean, to them, a rotting deer or a dead gopher is like a golden corral buffet. They love this stuff. And so they serve a very key function in maintaining the balance and making sure that things are cleaned up. I mean, they'll pick a carcass clean in days. They're very hungry, effective feeders. In fact, I saw a flock of turkey vultures. I was at a beach in Florida and a manatee died. A big fat manatee rolled up on the beach and died.

And there was a flock of turkey vultures all around it. And when a big fat manatee dies, there's only, you know, they've got a thick hide like a hippopotamus. It's like thick leathery. Even the vultures couldn't penetrate it, right? So the only opening is the eyes. You know, they take the eyes out. Now they get the eye socket.

It's the mouth and the anews. I didn't think I'd be coming on here today talking about a manatee's anews, but here we are, gang. They got them. Manatees got to do their seaweed plops. So here we are. You're going about your day. You're doing your job.

Everything was great. And now suddenly you're immersed in a conversation about manatee anews. It's not easy. No one said life was fair. No one said life happens the way you want it. You probably wanted to be what, you're leafing through your Playboy magazines or watching your Game of Thrones, maybe sitting down at some Kentucky fried chicken, but what'd you get? You got a manatee anews.

Here we are talking about a big manatee poophole. And I'll see if I can find the photograph, but I took a photograph in this turkey vulture so it could access the decaying meat, the carrion. It stuck its head up the manatees. noose. So now you see a turkey vulture with its body sticking out of a manatees anews. And then at the other end, I had a turkey vulture with his head down the manatee's face in its mouth. So it's a very bizarre picture. I will show it to you. But they're incredible animals. And it just goes to show you the engineering of nature, how everything serves a function, even like flies and mosquitoes

and even the critters that annoy us, they all serve a very crucial function and everything's intertwined. And if it wasn't for these scavengers that clean up the mess, who knows, it could lead to disease, it could lead to black plague, it could lead to all kinds of things. So as kind of ominous and creepy as these things are, they serve a really important role. And I might even have some video footage of one. I think I actually caught one up close. I'll drop it in and you guys can see a turkey vulture up close.

I was able to get right up close to one. I was on the other side of a paint of glass. And the turkey vulture landed outside. I was down by the ocean and it couldn't see past its own reflect. so it didn't know I was there. So I got some beautiful imagery of turkey vultures. I'll drop that in so you can see it. I'm going to be able to be.

I'm going to be. To kind of close this segment out, to kind of close this segment out, Yes, I encourage you to go over and see what the turkey vultures are looking at. The reality is you'll probably smell whatever they're looking at halfway before you get there because if they've found something dead and it's out in the trees, you're going to, if the wind's blowing your way, you're going to smell death. It's very strong. But who knows?

You might find a human. You might find a missing person. You might find, who is that lady that flew her plane, the spirit of St. Louis, across the ocean, and they never found her all these years? I'm still not sure why we need to find her so bad. Amelia Earhart. Maybe Amelia Earhart jumped out of her plane like, you know, 20 minutes in,

and she's down in your forest, and the plane just went on its own and buzzed off across the ocean. I don't know. I'm not a geologist. Probably not the right term, but, Sounds right. You could say it about anything. How's your wife's labia?

Well, I sent her off to the geologist. He's going to take a look at her. Oh, great. How's that tumor on your grandfather's neck? Well, we get the geologist looking at it. We're hoping for the best. Okay, good, good. So, you know, you can drop geologist in wherever you want.

So up yours. Go sit on a potato. Twirl around and make curly fries. I said it. It's my, it's my, it's the Harlan Highway. I can say it. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to announce that smooth sack summer is officially upon us. When you play in the summer sun, make sure you're groomed, okay? You don't want those pubs to get all over the place. And thanks to our friends at Manscaped, you can make this the smoothest season yet. The performance package, 5.0, is the ultimate bundle to keep your boys downstairs cool.

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It's always interesting to find dead things. And I'll tell you one final story. You're probably going to tune out after this, but this is a true story. One of my other encounters with a turkey vulture. Back in the day, I used to be a forest ranger. I worked way up in northern Canada, and I ran a bush camp, and I did logging and all this stuff. and I used to have to drive crews. You know, we'd get up in the morning, we'd eat,

and then we'd load a crew of lumberjacks and rangers into the van, and we'd drive out to locations where we did fish and wildlife work and forestry work. And so we were around all this stuff. And as you know, I'm an artist. I've been drawing and painting my whole life. And one of the fundamentals for me of being an artist of understanding, structure is anatomy and even deeper than the muscular anatomy of things, the skeletal anatomy, of humans, of animals. When you understand what's underneath, you learn how to drape everything

else over top of it. And so it's a very interesting thing to kind of know what's holding things up. It helps you understand weight distribution and proportioning and all that stuff. So outside of my art thing, I just always found skulls and skeletons, very fascinating. So as a kid, I collected skulls. Whenever I found a skull or I was in the forest or whatever, I would keep it. I had a whole collection of skulls in my bedroom. I think my parents thought I was Jeffrey Dahmer Jr., but I just loved the way they look. I love the teeth. I love the fangs. I love the, I don't know, there's something really cool about them. And so one day we were, I was driving along, I had my crew, you know, and I had like, you know, 15 guys in my van and driving along down this, this road way up north

and timber country. And as I'm driving, I see, I see, you know, on the side of the road, you see like a broken wing, like, you know, the wind. Do you ever see a dead bird, like a big, like an owl or a hawk? And then the wing starts, and I realized, oh, there's a dead bird up there. So as I'm driving, I slam on the brakes. I jump out of the van. All the guys are like, what's going on? What happened? I go over, there's a dead turkey vulture on the ground. I literally pick it up and it was dead, ripped the head off because the head was sort of mostly a skull now, right? So I just ripped it off,

jump back in the van, threw the skull on the dash and just kept driving. And all these guys I worked with, they don't really, they had no context for my fascination and my collection of stuff. skulls. So they just saw their boss, like slam on the brakes, get out of the van, stop at the side of the road, pick up a, and they're big birds. They're very girthy. They're large. They have a huge wingspan. And I just picked this thing up, snap, we got to get to work, drop the carcass,

got in the van, tossed it clank. Here's this turkey vulture skull staring at everyone. And just, off we go to work. So needless to say, they were a little disturbed. But, uh, But there you go. Check it out. See what's there. And who knows, if it's Amelia Earhart, maybe you're going to make a few bucks. Good for you, my guy.

Let's go to another one. Are we having fun yet or what? I'm not far as in Highway. This is Alex from San Diego. Just wanted to share some love. I came across your podcast not too long ago. And unknowingly, I've always been a fan. Since I was a child, when I was growing up, my family didn't really, like, pay for cable.

So one of the movies that I grew up on, on VHS, was Dumb and Dumber. And I would watch that movie on repeat every day because we had no cable. And your scene in that movie was, like, very memorable. And when I came across your podcast and, like, how funny you were, I was just like, wow man this guy's so pure and like you honestly are just like strictly comedy and i like just wanted to show appreciation thank you for uh all your efforts and comedy and trying to make people laugh and have a good time appreciate you brother wow well i appreciate you what what kind words what nice words and just again did you hear that laugh in there it's just like you could

hear it was pure it was real it was just it's just like that's that's my first that's my fuel right there, man. So you're welcome. Thank you for everyone being out there because, you know, us humans, we are human. We have all these conditions and emotions and feelings and there's so much going on with humans. And one of our gears is laughter. And for some reason, the big guy upstairs said, you know what? There's a lot of things you could do, but I think I'm going to work on you and have you try and make people laugh. I couldn't be happier. So I hope it never stops.

I hope I can keep people just laughing and laughing. It's so rewarding. It's so fun. And to the dumb and dumber VHS. It's so funny. How many of you out there don't even know what a VHS is? How many of my younger viewers right now are going, VHS, what's that? Is that a new disease?

Is that the new COVID? Oh my God, what's VHS? Has anyone got VHS? Let's go get a VHS. Let's go get a VHS Vax. VHS are the old tapes, the old like giant cassette tapes where people would watch movies. Everyone had a VHS machine. It was like a toaster for movies. Okay, you had a big thing, like it looked like a thing you'd put a bagel in and a bagel toaster and you'd put it in, but a movie would play on your TV. And if your toaster broke down, you could also shove a bagel. or even a muffin into your VHS, and, you know, it would eventually heat up, start a house fire, but at least you had warm yeast. But yeah, dumb and dumber, my first movie, and what a treat.

What a wonderful way to break into the movie business, to be right out of the gate in a classic like that, to work with Jim Carrey, work with the Farley brothers. And that's silly scene, you know, I'd never done. movies and you know it was a tiny little scene in a in a big movie full of huge laughs and I got to tell you I never would have predicted how much that scene would resonate with people people still remember it it was sort of a standout scene and I'm saying this because people tell me that all the time um and so I'm so happy that that silly little scene that I thought would sort of come and go and be forgotten because I was only on screen for what a minute

and a half or something or two minutes and I thought well surely it'll just it'll just be filler for all the antics of Jim Carrey and the rest of the movie but somehow God willing that scene really stood out and I'll tell you a quick story when I went to the premiere of that movie it was my first movie premiere was the first movie I'd ever been in so I was so scared I was so nervous and it was at a beautiful theater on Sunset Boulevard here in Hollywood called the Cinerama Dome. And the Cinerama Dome is a vintage theater. Cineramadome was a type of cinematography with a screen sort of wrapped halfway around. It's this big round dome.

You can look it up on YouTube and Google. It looks like a giant honeycomb, like a bees nest. And so the screen sort of wrapped around. It was this huge, beautiful theater. and we were watching the movie and I hear someone laughing right behind me like I could feel their knees on my chair and my scene came up and I can hear someone laughing

and I just couldn't help myself. I turned around and sitting directly behind me with his knees on the back of my chair, Richard Pryor. Comedy legend Richard Pryor and I was just, it was such an interesting entree into the movie world for me. Here I am a fresh new comedian, my very first movie,

and sitting behind me a comedy stand-up legend, a comedy film legend. And here he, you know, my head is going, here's him watching me, and I grew up watching him. And it was just so surreal, man. But that was sort of my first foray, my first introduction into that word.

world. And I'll never forget it. It was so, so amazing. So thank you. I appreciate you, my friend. Thank you for listening. And let's keep going. Hey, Harlan. It's Austin and Logandale, Nevada. First thing, I want to thank you for the organization, Cinnamon Angels, Fly Fly Away. A couple of my kids have been through the program and with donations. They're doing a lot better now. Also, too, with tensions going on right now with, I guess, World War III lumen on the horizon. I was wondering if you can get a hold of Colonel Tom Dowdy and see if he's got any intel from the inside. I know he's on the front lines, but thanks for all you do. Love you, Arlenz.

Wow, thank you. Love you back. That's a great idea. There are a lot of tensions in the world. Every other day you're hearing we're on the brink of World War III. we've got Israel, we've got the Palestinians, we've got the Ukraine, we've got Russia, we've got North Korea. I mean, we're in a volatile time, ladies and gentlemen.

The tumbleweed is a rolling, and we all caught up in it like a bunch of messed up lizards on Vaseline. Whatever that means. So I do this, there's this gentleman I know who's a seasoned veteran. He's been in the theater of war. His name's Colonel Lieutenant, French Commander, Sergeant, Lieutenant in Arms, Senior Soldier, Colonel Tom Dowdy. I think he's out of Camp Pendleton, Camp Pendleton, way down in Southern California near San Diego. And folks, what I'm going to do,

is at this man's request, I'm going to phone him at the end of the show, and I'll have a conversation with him about all of this. Now, keep in mind, this will only be an audio portion. The colonel doesn't like to be on camera, so I will phone him. He's usually in his bunker somewhere. He's a very, like, stringent military guy. He's got a very interesting take on the world. He doesn't pull any punches.

He's been through hell and back. I mean, this guy is a real patriot. This guy is a real soldier. So we'll reach out to him at the end of the show. So stick around for that. And I think you'll enjoy hearing his perspective on the state of the world and the looming wars and existing wars that are happening now. Wow, good idea.

Hey, Harlan. My name is Gavin. I'm a 911 operator calling from Georgia. here. I just have to say that, man, almost anything possible that you could post on your podcast, I watch it in between calls. And sometimes I'll be honest that your content, man, after a bad one, can definitely turn the vibes around for me there in the 911 center. I could be taking a terrible, terrible call and sit back for a minute and just click on to something that you've posted man and honestly it's it's um it'll change the entire mood in there so

i just want to thank you for being an outlet i can go to and try and to have some type of positive outlook on the day whenever i'm there at work but man i just like to say i love you man i love your content um and i'm definitely going to keep uh keep watching and tuning in every single week man thank you so much wow well first of all thank you for what you do Um, that's an intense line of work being a 911 operator. Um, wow. Thank you. I'm sure you've guided many people through many apparelous situation. I mean, you've seen the shows where the 911 operators on the line where people are huddled in their closets while there's a home invasion. You've, you've heard the calls where people are screaming while they're being stabbed,

while they're being stalked. I mean, humans can be pretty messed up. a lot of the time. So thank you. That takes a lot of courage. That takes a lot of mental strength to deal with the psychology of the human condition. You know, I think we all sort of take it for granted that these type of people are out there and, you know, they go into work the same, the same way all of us go into work, whether you're nine to five or you work at a gas station or you work at a rocket factory. I don't know where you work, but you know, we all do our jobs, but when you get into this area where you're

dealing with the dark underbelly of the human condition, murders, crimes, assaults, kidnappings, abductions, rapes, arson, I mean, there is a long laundry list of bad things that humans do to one another. And, you know, we can go home from the factory after working at the factory all day or the lumberyard or at the call center or at the office or the law firm because we're sort of dealing with regular mundane things.

Even though we may be experts in our field, it's psychologically it's not overwhelming. But when you have a guy who's sitting on a phone all night and literally dealing with. life and death and pain and suffering when he's got that in his balance. And what he says, what he communicates could mean the difference between life and death. Go hide in the closet. Don't make a word. You know, these guys are the calming voice that sometimes help these panicked, raving people through a horrible, perilous moment. And so the idea that comedy and My comedy in particular is helping you get through it, adjust, have a little moment to catch your breath and switch gears and sort of calm down all the stuff you're dealing with.

I hear you, my bro. I don't talk about this much, but I used to at one point when I was coming up in the world, I worked for the police. I worked for the police for about maybe a year, a year and a half. I worked in the mailroom for the provincial police where I grew up in Toronto. And you would think being in the mail room, oh, you're just dealing with letters and this and that. But holy smokes, I had to go and deliver mail down to the police headquarters. I had to deliver mail down to the morgue.

I had to deliver mail to the forensic lab. So I had to kind of circulate throughout the whole police force. and I got to tell you, just at that level, the things that I saw, the things that I was exposed to regarding the human condition are still ingrained in my head to this day, powerful images. I mean, think about it. I worked in the mail room and I saw dead bodies down in the forensic lab. I saw skulls with hammers through the skull cap.

I saw a molested, raped and murdered little girl being wheeled into police headquarters while I was there. I saw a body laying on a table in the forensic lab with a snapped rope around its neck. Someone who committed suicide jumped off a high apartment building with a rope around their neck. It snapped when it went taut

and they fell all the way down. I saw police photographs of people who had shot their own heads off. And, I mean, this is morbid stuff, but I'm just trying to make a point. I saw photographs of fathers who had put their child in a lake and put a cinder block on their head and drowned them in, you know, a foot of water. And I've seen a lot of stuff, a lot of stuff, real bodies, photos, videos,

and this was just from my exposure to the mailroom, gang, and having to deliver the mail to the different departments inside the police department. And, you know, imagine the psychology of a 911 operator, and I urge you to imagine the psychology of our police. You know, people just think police are out there giving speeding tickets and, you know, they come to your window and maybe they have an attitude or maybe they're not in a great mood. I would urge all of you to remember that the police every day get exposed to the dark, sinister underbelly of society. And every day they're bombarded with imagery and going into buildings where heads are splattered on walls and children.

have been beaten to death and women are cradled in a corner bleeding because they've been gang raped. I mean, this is horrible stuff. And remember, law enforcement deals with that directly. We just sort of see it on TV and think, oh, yeah, that happens over there. Or even when you hear about it on the news, it's one thing to hear about something. But when you have to walk into the room and see it and visualize and absorb a human body, a life. You don't just see a cadaver. You feel that person. You feel the energy.

You get a sense of who they were, and you immediately, you feel grief. You wonder about what led them to this place. You instantly realize that this person had a journey. When you see real flesh and bone and, oh, it's, it's very traumatizing. And it takes a strong person. They must have a very powerful, strong disposition to get through this type of work. And so kudos to you. And like I said, there seems to be a running theme here where my,

humor and my comedy is some kind of healing agent or something that helps people cope. And that's very rewarding for me. And it's a way of giving back. But folks, just remember whenever you're dealing with when a cop walks up to your window and maybe he's giving you a bit of attitude or you're giving him a bit of attitude, I would urge you to just take a moment and think, wow, where was this guy two hours ago? Was he scraping a baby off a highway that flew out of a window from a car crash? Was he scrubbing brains off a wall from some guy who killed himself?

I mean, they deal with it every day. So be patient with law enforcement. Try to walk in their shoes. I'm not saying law enforcement has a license to abuse or do things the wrong way. But just remember when you're approached by a cop, a male or a female, cop, remember, they're carrying with them a lot of psychological stuff, and it's stuff that's generated by us. It's not just the victims and the crime scenes they go to. They encapsulate everything as a whole. It isn't just, oh, there's a dead guy, there's a dead woman. That becomes

part of a tapestry of the human fabric. And they carry around the weight. of society. And they've seen the holes and they've seen the darkness. And I've got to tell you, it's not an easy place to function. And you know, you got to think that these guys and girls come home to their families and their children and their grandparents and they've got all this stuff inside them that they've seen. They'll never be able to erase. And the rest of us kind of come home from an office job or working at the mall or the fast food restaurant or way. And, Whatever we may do, a cruise ship, I don't know where you work, but just remember, these folks, these guys, these women, these people that do this work is not easy. So as much as you were thanking me, I thank you back and something to think about whenever we're dealing with these dedicated people.

Let's see here Hi Harland I've been dealing with anxiety It's something that's new to me I don't well I don't know how to deal with it Maybe I haven't been dealing with it But I just feel anxious Even calling you now I feel anxious

I don't want to be judged I can feel my heart racing I don't know what to do with these feelings I know this isn't comedy I really What do I do? What do you do when you're anxious When I feel my heart racing

when I feel my lungs breathing faster than normal. I don't know how to breathe slower. I don't know how to calm my heart down. I don't know how to calm my feelings and my thoughts. I don't know what to do. Just when I feel anxious, what do I do? What do you do? What should I do?

Okay. Now this is going to be a two-tiered answer. The first part you might not. like me for but hopefully the second part you get something from it um so the whole anxiety thing in modern day society this seems to be something that's emerged more in the last you know 15 20 years people having panic attacks and anxiety attacks and and i'm not mocking you i'm not diminishing your call or everything you said but holy god there's a there's a there's a a part of me where I just go, can we just stop? Can we grow up? We live in America. We're

surrounded by the Cheesecake Factory and movie theaters and Netflix and we can sit on our couches and there's free therapy and health care and this and that. There's so much out there. And especially for men, I'm going to say it, I've never loved it that full grown men, where we live in this world where it's not that bad if you've ever been to a third world country. Okay, we pretty much have everything we need here in the good old USA,

the richest country in the world. So when I hear full-grown men kind of going, oh, I'm having a panic attack, oh, what do I do? It irks me a little. I get it, it's a symptom, but, I just, a part of me just wants to give you some hard love and just say, man, the F-op. Like, come on, dude, you're a full-grown man.

Stop with this. Oh, oh, I didn't pay my phone bill. Oh, my car got a flat tire. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. My girlfriend and I had a fight. Oh, I'm late to the movie. Like, really, is there anything so dramatic?

Is there anything so life-altering that you just, you can't breathe, you're shutting down, you're having a panic attack? And you're probably listening to this and, you know, you called me to get advice. And you're going, oh, well, screw you, man. I'm panicking and you're just kind of saying, I'm a wuss. Well, I told you you wouldn't like the first half. So here's the second half, okay? I hope this helps.

and I'm saying this with all sincerity. I want you to feel better. I don't want you to have panic, but I'm going to say let's look back at history. Let's go all the way back to the Neanderthal man. Okay? Let's go back all the way back to Homo erectus. You know, we come from a lineage of primates.

We were cave dwellers. At one point, our ancestors had to go out and fight woolly mammoths. They had to spear woolly mammoths and fight off saber-toothed tigers just to get a meal, just to make it back to the cave at night, and live in the cave with the dripping cold, winter winds howling outside. And if they knew how to make a fire, they had a little fire burning, they didn't have a refrigerator, they didn't have a car, they didn't have a home, they didn't have drywall, they didn't have TV, they didn't have cell phones,

they didn't have therapy, they didn't have hospitals, they didn't have modern medication, they didn't have counseling, they didn't have public transportation, they didn't have the internet, they didn't have any of these trappings and these wonderful things we have that should make our lives so much easier than going out and hunting a mammoth. And so whenever you get amped up the way you are, whether you're stressing over a fight with the girlfriend or you're stressing over a late car payment or your neighbors, you're in a fight with your neighbor. Remember where you came from, my friend? Remember your lineage, your DNA, your chromosomes, your history. You came from a hearty stock of men that had to fight and exist and persevere through so many hardships. And those people, those ancestors of yours, had to carry the torch and create evolution so that, we got to where we are today. And we're still men. We're still men. Physically,

we're still pretty much the same structure. We stand upright. We're taller now. Maybe we're stronger. Maybe we're smarter. But we've evolved. But we're from the same early building blocks of what we were. And so when you think of the hardships, even if you go back 200 years to the pioneers that trudged across America, went over the mountains and their covered wagons and across the great plains and fought off Indians and disease. And I want you to think about that and then look at what you're dealing with that's causing you so much anxiety. Oh my God, they changed the menu at the cheesecake factory.

Oh, my God. Someone get me some quailudes. Think back to your own history. Look somewhere within your soul. you can probably feel it. If you get introspective enough and you allow the wisps and the mysteries and the sands of time

to get inside you, you came from a place where you couldn't afford to have anxiety. Anxiety wasn't a thing because you just had to survive. And I think we're so pampered now. We have so many accessories and so many excuses and so many people telling us this and coffee's not good for you and therapy's not good for you and this is good for you

and that's not and you're going to live, you're going to die like we've got so many things. My advice to you, my friend, is whenever you get amped up and you can't breathe and you go back to your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grandfathers. just take a breath and breathe in their essence and just go, I came from a hearty stock, a race, a species that overcame all the odds, that overcame everything, so much adversity. I fought through mammoths and I fought through weather conditions and I fought through hardships and here I am, here I stand.

And today, in this modern world, I can stand up to anything that's being thrown at me. Put on your warrior skin, my friend. Whether you're gay, straight, Asian, African American, white, put on your warrior skin. Put on your man's skin. You know what I mean? Like just put on that, remember where you came from and wear it and live it and just go. fuck it. Someone towed my truck.

I can deal with it. I'll go get my truck. They towed it. Some guy's giving me a problem down and I think I'll deal with it, you know? I think if you let everything just kind of get in there and be like flappy and get into your psyche, you're just caught up in the web of the modern day world. So this is my little tip. think back, almost time travel back, visualize your great ancestors,

a tribe of Neanderthal men, circling a woolly mammoth and a swamp and throwing boulders at it and throwing spears and go, that was me. That's what I came from. That's the stock I came from. I'm a survivor. I'm a warrior. I can handle what's coming at me right. now. And I know it's a very obscure and out there approach. It's a very kind of off the beating track, but it's very true. It is who you are. And so I think if you embrace that and you just kind of go, you know what, I'm going to fucking man up here. I'm dealing with two, three, four, five things. I got to provide for my clan. I got to bring the mammoth home meat to my tribe. screw it, whatever's in front of me, I'm going to deal with it.

I don't have time to be full of anxiety and, oh my goodness. And I, oh, God, I need to, can someone dab my head with a wet towel? Oh, someone rub an onion on my face. You know, you don't, just tell yourself that. You don't have time for it, man. Just get through it and go because, you know what, it never stops. And if you let yourself be absorbed into the anxiety void, where does it end? And what do the people around you think of that?

Not that you should worry about what other people think you got to be you, but people are watching. And, you know, we all got to be our own leaders. We all got to step up and deal with the adversities in life. And we just got to throw a boulder at the mammoth. So that's what I would say. Visualize, be strong. Don't let that stuff get in your head.

Don't get in a funk. and just kick ass. Hey, everybody, check out my merchandise at Harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie, but not me. Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at Harbleng.com.

You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print. And man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies. We got coffee mugs. We got t-shirts.

You name it. It's there at harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at harbling.com today. And thank you for your support. and I'll just keep the groovy images coming. Hey, Hartman, this is Truck Willie out here in Bakersfield, North Carolina. I wanted to give you all a call and just say I'm out here in the mountains. I've been farming pigs and cooking wiener, snouts, and all kinds of stuff out here.

I've got 14 acres of land. I live up here with my mama. She's been dead for 14 weeks. I'm trying to see, Harlan, if you can tell me what to do with my dead mama, we don't want to pay for funerals. I don't got too much money.

I can't even pay for dental insurance or nothing like that, but I've got my dead mama, we're just keeping her outside. I have it wrapped up in plastic over by the lake. Harlan, if you can help me out, buddy, I don't know what we're going to do.

You think we should just put her in the ground, maybe put a little, put a little, what do you call, gravestone out there by the lake or whatnot. Anyway, I've talked to you later. Carl, and if you could tell me what to do about my dang dead grandmother. Again, this is Troy Willie out here in Bakersfield, don't care not.

Buddy, I think you just helped us out. I think our first call was about some guy talking about buzzards circling around, out in the forest, out by the lake. And he was asking, holy God, what's out there? Is it a person? Is it a cat? Is it a dog? Is it a cow?

It was this guy's grandmother. She's out by the lake. And the reason the buzzards are searching. is she's wrapped in plastic. They're not sure how they get in. Duh. So thank you for solving that mystery. But while she's there and since she's being preserved so nicely in the saran wrap or the stretch and seal or whatever you've got her, maybe you just put a big condom over her old body. I don't know. Nice of you to put her by the lake. I mean, you know, at least she's got a view. Well, she's dead. But here's what you want to do. It sounds like you're hesitant to put.

put Granny in the ground. You clearly made some steps to preserve her by putting her in stretch and seal. So what I would recommend is don't put her in the ground. Don't leave her for the buzzards. Find your local taxidermist. Okay, go to a taxidermist, take granny, slap her down on his table, and have the taxidermist stuffer. And just remember your favorite pose. Was she a knitter? Did she like to do quilts? Was she into karate? Did she like, did she do kung fu? Did she like to jump out of the closet and scare you guys?

Was she a holy woman? When she's praying all the time, whatever your favorite memory of her physically, just get her taxidermied. Imagine coming home every day. You're driving your big rig across the country and you finally pull up home and you walk in the door,

your travel weary, you got Denny's stuck in your beard, you probably have some dingleberries on your truck driver ass crack, and you kick your front door open after nine days of hauling lumber and frozen peas across the great USA, and you walk in, and there's your granny, or your mother, or whoever it was, she just taxidermy and maybe a pose of her playing a violin, smiling. And just all the worries and cares of a truck driver's world just floats off your shoulder, my man. So there you go.

Glad I could help. Glad I could help. And, gang, thank you for your wonderful calls. If you want to call 323-696-0-2-2-2-2, I do these shows every now often, every so often, I should say. I like to have my comedy guests, like little cocoa, although his eyes stink. But every now and then I want to communicate with you guys who are calling in, who are supporting, who are subscribing. I want to stay connected to you guys. So I really love hearing your calls.

Sadly, I can't get to all of them because we get hundreds of them. But don't let that prevent you from calling because we listen to every one of them and we take the ones that we like. and the ones that we think we can do something with. And there's some where we just, we can't hear them. You're in the wind or you're saying something we don't understand. Or I know a lot of people like to call in and do characters. And I appreciate the effort, but there's not much I can do with the character thing. So just a little hint on that one.

But thank you for calling 323-6-960222. Don't forget, gang, to check out the new podcast When a Stranger Calls, which is all about phone calls. And if you don't get through to me, try hitting me and Howie Mandel up on When a Stranger Calls, that's going to be a Zoom call so we can actually see you. That is on YouTube. Please go. It's When a Stranger Calls and the S is a Z on calls.

When a Stranger Calls. And it is super fun. I'm so excited to do. I'm so excited and happy to work with Howie. He's so funny. He's so great. I love it. We're having a riot, man. Talk about laughing. Oh, it's so fun. And then also check out our store. We have a store here at the YouTube page where you can get Harland Highway merch if you want some. You can also order a cameo where if you go to the cameo app on your phone, you can get me to do a personalized video for you, like a two or three minute video where you tell me some topics and I can kind of, it's almost like your own little mini podcast between me and you or if you want to get it for a loved one or a birthday or a anniversary or whatever. They're really fun. And that's it. That's it for today, gang. Be sure to stick around at the end here because now we're going to

jump to Colonel Tom Dowdy and he's going to talk about the, you know, all the military stuff going out in the world as one of our callers asked for. So enjoy that. And great to have you here. Thank you for all the love. Keep on laughing. And until next time, everybody, right here on the Holland Highway podcast, chicken chamein. Baby.

Look at that. Look at that. Little cocoa. Well, your eyes stink. Forget it. see you next time well here we are we're checking in with our military

expert here colonel inspector first lieutenant sergeant arms four star general tom dowdy down in camp pendlington in southern California and my god

you know there's all this talk in the news that we're on the brink of World War III and this gentleman is a dedicated patriot, a military man, a career military man, and let's get his input on the dire, dire state of affairs that we're in today and in modern society. Are you there, sir? Commander, Colonel, Lieutenant Governor Tom Dowdy, sir. Are you there? Hello. Yes, sir. How are you, sir?

Who is this? Sir, this is Harland Williams from the Harland Highway podcast. Can I get a backup code number for that, please? Excuse me, sir. I'm going to need special code clearance. Roger that, 49257. Um, sir? Uh, go ahead.

I'm going to need a access code. Sir, I don't have an access code. We've talked to you many times before on the podcast, and... You can be a code, or I crawl into a window in the middle of the night. I pull out a knife so sharp you can cut the ass hair off a dolly parton at a fish-scaling convention. Now you get me that code, or I slit your throat like a Chinese porpoise trying to swim up a Korean river. sir i'm not sure what that means um i i don't know that i have a code you've got about four seconds uh seven three five two nine they go you are a go civilian you are a go that that was the code

correct you are a go i am a go sir commence conversation i am colonel french lieutenant tom corporal stand French commander Tom Dowdy. Yes, sir. We wanted to talk to you today as a man with all your experience. You know, we watch the news, we look at social media, and this looming threat of a World War III in this day and age is almost hard to believe.

Nothing is hard to believe, sir. Have you ever seen a ghost? No, sir. Well, next time you're out running around. in the mountains with your yellow leotards and your green elf shoes. Sir? Swallow a cloud. Swallow it real deep.

Do a burrito fart. And watch a little white puffy ghost come out of your tender, tender ass cheeks. Sir? What are you saying there? Sir. You weren't be civilian. If you want to make a ghost, you've got to work at it.

Well, sir, thank you for that. We're not here to really discuss ghosts. As I said, World War III seems to be knocking at our door, and I've got to be honest, I'm a little bit scared. Well, that makes sense. Look at you sitting there in your yellow sweater, your cranberry socks, your fairy pants, and I wouldn't be surprised if you've got so far,

makeup on right now, you little midnight moon dancing fuckaholic. Sir, excuse you? Listen, we live in a society where people are so pampered. They wouldn't know what to do with a war if it came to their door with a bowl of French onion soup and a bag of fucking melted pussycats. Sir, I'm not sure what you're saying.

Sir? I swallowed a fly Okay What I'm saying Civilian Is that you wouldn't know how to handle a war As would none Of the people living in the United States

of America If it got served to them On a fancy plate at a cheesecake factory Well, sir I mean there may be some validity to that You bet your sister's dirty, smelly, rusty leg braces as I am.

We've become so pampered in this country. The only war we know is on the flat screen TV in our living rooms and in our wives underpants. Sir? Listen, there's a dark storm cloud coming, and I'm not talking about a fart stink coming out of Dolly Parton's outhouse. Sir, if you could stop with the Dolly Parton references. Evil Sir? I swallowed a bug.

Sir, are there, do you need some bug spray? I need bug spray like your wife needs a Chinese fucking railroad spike in her face. Sir, what? I'm telling you, you better be ready for war. World War III is just around the corner. And I don't care if you live on a boulevard. an avenue, a crescent, or a goddamn hairy cul-de-sac.

Sir, a hairy cul-de-sac? You heard me. Out of all the streets, out of all the roadways, there's only one that looks and sounds like a... Ha ha ha ha ha. Sir? I swallowed a bug. What were you saying about cul-de-sac's-sac's?

There's only one street that. It looks like a man's bag. A man's bag, sir? His nutty hole there. It's Halloween sack. There's only one street, and it's called a cul-de-sac. If you wake up in the middle of the night, shave your pubs,

go outside and sprinkle them all over your cul-de-sac. Then civilian, your street's going to look like a well-paved fucking hair. Nutbag. Sir, if we can get back to the World War III topic, please. Oh, why don't we? If the lady wants to dance, well then let's dance. The lady? That's you, sunshine.

He's sitting there in your fancy, stretchy yoga pants. You probably have a... Sir? You probably have a fart bubble. Blagged your fucking yoga pants so fat that next time you step, take a step, it's going to sound like a cabbage bomb went off. Sir, we got a cabbage bomb? That's what I'm talking about, civilian. The next world wars are going to be army tanks and jet fighters.

It's not going to be men on the ground. It's not going to be hand-to-hand combat. Sir? They have developed military weaponry the likes that you and your bald unborn babies have never seen. Sir, I don't have babies. Would you agree with me that babies are bald? Uh, yes, sir. Then you've got some bald unborn babies kicking around some dirty whores womb in a small town with a

Smelly old truck stop. Sir, I do not have unborned... Can we get back to the weapons? Technology. You ever heard of it, cowboy lips? Cowboy lips. There is so much technology now. You could wake up in the middle of the night

and your cell phone to be fucking a wall socket three ways to last Thursday. Sir? You heard me. technology is out of control you could wake up in the middle of the night light a candle and see your cell phone

in the middle of a five-way orgy with the toaster the microwave the fucking refrigerator and yeah I'm going to say it your wife's rusty leg braces sir can we stick to the

weaponry you're talking about China. You ever hear of it Taco Bell Grande face? Sir, yes, I've heard of China. How about this? The nuclear melt-a-tong, inferred, phi center. What is that, sir? That is a new weapon. A new weapon that separates molecules. Rearranges the nucleus of them, puts them back together, and creates a heat,

wave and a radiation wave so strong it would knock the diaper off your grandfather, send it around the block and have it come back and slap him in the face so there was so much creamy diarrhea. It looked like a kid that was dragged through a mud puddle behind a ram 537 out at your sister's pig barn. Sir, you're getting a little, you're drifting a little. Can you just sort of reel it in a little, tell us more about these supersonic weapons that are coming? Oh yeah.

If you thought Hiroshima and Nagasaki were a day in the park, well, you'd be right. The weapons that are coming at us now are so beyond human convention that you're going to wish you were born in a squirrel's nest. Your mother went out and

gathered some nuts, brought them home, and puked peanut butter. all over your face. Sir! Have you heard of the Russian 572 Nuclear Separator Particle Bomb Factor

3729 infused with radioactive Pelican fuck? Sir, are you making things up here? Well, well, well, well,

look at this. I've served in so many Wars. I could wake up in the morning and make you a pancake using that juice that I squeeze out of your slippers. Sir? You sit here, a dirty, pansy boy civilian with your lemon-line slippers, your turquoise turtleneck sweater, and I bet your underwear has so many leopard spots. It looks like you've got melanoma. sir do you need a throat lozenge what i need is you to stand the attention and be ready world war three is coming and if you don't get ready you will expire well this is what i'm getting at sir

what do we do how do we prepare how does one prepare for anything you go to the mirror You comb your hair You do your shoe races You put your hands together And you say, Dear God in heaven Please, please Don't let this be the day The fat lady drops her muffin top

Right over my face So I can't breathe Sir Is there going to be a World War III? War War is a part Of humanity Now, sit down on your lazy boy chair.

Adjust your asshole and breathe that in civilian. War is as common with humanity as an ant waking up in the morning, getting a grain of sand, and sucking down a praying mantis leg. Sir, these analogies are a bit far-fetched. What I'm saying, civilian, is oh, yes. Yeah, we're going to have World War III, and then we're going to have World War 4. And if we're lucky, we'd make it to World War 5. And it shows the sun shines on your crack when you bend down to sniff Rottweiler shit on the sidewalk.

There's going to be bombs dropping. There's going to be bullets flying. And there's going to be blood trickling down the street right to your front door. And you're going to have red fairy shoes, your little pansy fucking... Sir, can you want enough with the pansy stuff? I'm just a regular guy, worried, concerned about the state of the world, and World War III. You can't stop the hatred in men's hearts. There's no reason for us to get up and kill each other, but somehow, somehow down in the darkest depths of our hearts, we find just cause, we find a reason to stomp out each other's existence.

I don't know why. I didn't create us, but if you ever get up to heaven, why don't you slap some barbecue stuff. us on your nutbag if you're a man enough, and ask God why we kill each other. Sir, have you been drinking? Yeah, I've been drinking life, because I don't know how much of it we have left, so you bet your fucking dirty, ferret-infested sideburned civilian. I get up every morning, and I pour myself a giant jug of life. And I drink it like a hungry camel sniffing popcorn off the back of a fat lady at a movie theater.

Sir, I think we're way, I think, I think we've got what we need, and I want to thank you. Well, you're welcome, and you better thank yourself by getting into a bomb shelter real fast, because for all I know, those missiles are in the air, those neutron scalator find stinder fats then 75309

nuclear separators I haven't seen are in the air right now sir I don't even know what you said what I'm saying is cyanora salamander face sir cyanora means it's all over

you better Sir, I think we've got to go. You better get to a bomb shelter and hold onto your ankles because you're going to have a bomb flying up your Calamari rings. Sir, thank you very much. All the best, and we really appreciate your time. Go suck a lemon meringue pie off a fat farm girl's pimply fucking ass, you whore. What, sir?

What the hell? Sir? Holy. Wow. Okay. Uh, lieutenant, commander, French director, uh, staff sergeant, Colonel Tom Dowdy.

Is he gone? Wow. I think I'm more scared now than I was before we talk to him. Well, do like he says, folks. Get ready, get prepared, and that's all I can tell you. Until we talk to him next time. Hey, everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly?

It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic, you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland.