The Harland Highway - 1001 - Harland pissed about COPS! Crazy METH-GATORS! Live stand up in Saudi Arabia.

Episode Date: July 23, 2019

Harland is fed up with nicey nice Cops. Stand up COMEDY in Saudi Arabia. The waters are filled with METH-GATORS!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is the third last Harland Highway. Oh, my God. Don't even get me started. We'll talk about this more after the intro. Anyways, welcome to the Harland Highway. We're getting close to the end here. I'm not trying to bring you down. Hopefully the podcast will bring you up,

but we have a great one today. We're going to be doing a Harland's Pissed Off episode where I am pissed. I am pissed about something that affects all of us. And way to you hear my rant about what I'm pissed about. Also, as I promised you, I went to Saudi Arabia a couple of weeks ago and I did stand-up comedy in Saudi Arabia for the first time in my life, maybe the last time.

And it was very different. And I promised you I'd play you some of the live stand-up show. So we're going to have that for you. some live stand-up from Saudi Arabia, and then also a crazy news story that involves alligators that are cranked up on meth. This is unbelievable. The story's crazy enough,

but then we have an expert call in from a guy who actually wrangles alligators for a living calling in from the South, and he's going to give us his expertise on this whole meth-gator story. So wait, do you hear this? It's going to be a crazy show. Put your helmet on. This is the Harland Highway.

Do you know my name? It's on the marriage certificate. I've never seen you before in all my life. Hold on to your airbag. The heartless, heartless monsters. All of you through and through. You're riding down the Harland Highway. Oh, yeah!

When you see a fallen stock, that means a witch has just died. You clumsy idiot? The Harland Highway. All I want is to hear people say something again and to see people moving again. I'm Floyd Bernie, a rockabilly boy. Don't you understand? You're listening to Harlan Williams. I can't be your daughter.

I'm a machine. Man, you've been dead a thousand years. My George, I think he's got it. You're writing down the Harlan Williams. Highway with Harland Williams. What's up, Doc? Mr. If you're going to lose, you're going to lose right now. Don't leave me here!

Oh, boy. Here we go. Oh, my heart is heavy. We're down to our final three episodes of the Harland Highway. This is episode 1001, but technically, It's number 997 because somewhere along the way I screwed up the numbers and so I omitted a few podcasts or whatever. Something happened somewhere along the way where I mislabeled things. So even though we made it to a thousand, I was short three.

and so this is this is number you know technically as I said 997 so pretty scary man or wait no it would be

998 and then 99 and then 1,000 so this is 998 technically see that that's why this happened you see oh bad I am with numbers. That's why I'm in the entertainment business, ladies and gentlemen. I'm not

so good with the numbers. I'm good with the ha-ha and the funny and telling the jokes and doing the movies and the televisions, but I'm not so good with the numbers. I wish I was. But you should thank me that I'm not because as a result, you're getting these three bonus episodes, even though they're not really bonus episodes. They're just misnumbered episodes. What am I talking about? Shut up. Yeah, I better shut up. And you know what? While I'm all fired up here, Roger, let's let's do a pissed off segment because there's something that I got on my chest that I got to get off me chest or I'm not going to be able to focus on this podcast. So roll the seat, the title sequence for Harlem being pissed off. Roll it, Rod.

Don't piss me off. This is Harland Williams. Pitsin me off. Oh, you're starting to piss me off, you little pigly son, bitch. You pissed me off. Shut up, you're pissing me off. These fucking assholes, this fuck... These fucking assholes, the fuck is their problem, man. Okay.

I'm not afraid to admit this I'm proud to admit this and it's amazing to me that it still exists but I watch cops okay you know you know the reality show probably the first reality show cops the show that's been on for 30 years

where they they just follow policemen around and police women around in their vehicles and on foot and they they show them making arrests and chasing guys and then fighting with guys and busting guys and girls and weirdos and whack jobs.

Yeah, I still watch cops. I get a charge out of it, man. It kind of scares me that there's so many weird, bad, funky people out there in the world. That really bothers me. But here's what really pisses me off, Lirtle gurgles and churdle blurgens. Okay? I cannot believe in this politically correct society we live in now. how dainty the cops have become.

Oh, my God. I mean, in the old versions of the cops, and this thing's 30 years old, so you can watch the old ones. The old ones, these guys are like grab a guy and throw them against the car and say, what the hell are you doing, man, you idiot, and don't talk back to me,

and every now and again, they'd throw a punch on a guy to subdue them, or they'd wrestle them, or they'd... And I'm not for police abuse. not for being, like, harassed by the police unnecessarily. I've been pulled over by snarky cops before with attitude, and you try to be nice, and maybe they've had a bad day and they're treating you disrespectfully, or they're intimidating you.

It's unnerving. I don't like it. But at the same time, man, holy smokes. You've got to watch cops now. Compared the way it used to be. You feel like you're at, you're having British tea in the garden with the queen. I mean, these cops are so freaking dainty, and I'm not saying they're not tough, but the way they talk to, you know, perps or criminals or suspects,

it's just like you feel like you're watching children being, you know, read a bedtime story, a daycare. You know, you'll see a guy that they just caught that caused a, a 100-mile-an-hour car chase through 10 miles. He's throwing guns and cocaine out the window. He just about kills 80 people. He's speeding on the wrong side of the road. Sparks are flying out of his tires because they're flat.

He's a menace to society. He's a danger. He could have killed people. He finally, like, hits a light pole or a school bus or the side of a house. And then he runs on foot and they've got to chase him and they've got to get the dogs and all this is taxpayer money being spent.

And they tackle this guy to the ground or they taser him and he's got the gang tattoos and no shirt and a tear-drop tattoo by his eye. You can just tell he's bad news. His eyes are rolling. He's cranked up on mrs. meth or something. I mean, this guy's a bad dude, obviously.

Okay? He ran from the cops. He's throwing stuff out the window. And then they sit him down and they run his name and his number and his license plate and it turns out he's got like four felonies, a suspended license. He's been in jail five times. And this guy's like, you know, making these guys. cops run and chase and jump and fly over fences and who knows if they get shot at or stabbed

and then they finally catch this guy and they're like okay david how are you feeling okay do you need a drink of water let's get david a drink of water why don't you tell us what happened david oh i see there's a little scratch on your on your arm from the mulberry bushes do you need a medic can we get let's call in an ambulance and a fire truck for 300,000 $1,000 of the public taxpayers' money. Yeah. Let, yeah, he's got a, there's a scratch. It's not actually dripping blood, but it's red, and it looks moist.

Yeah, let's bring in a full fucking fire truck brigade and five more fucking cop cars and 32 ambulances, and why don't we get a surgeon and a psychologist and a masseuse for this fucking clown? Oh my God! It is just, you got to see it, man. David, would you mind sitting in the back of the car? Do you need a lawyer?

Do you need some water? Hey, man, can I have a fucking cigarette? Yeah, why don't we let David have a cigarette? Can I have my fucking phone, please? Yeah, let's David give David his phone, yeah. I mean, holy shit, man. What have we become? We have whipped the, and I'm not blaming the cops.

I know where this comes from. This comes from all these soft-hearted idiot politicians. who have made it almost impossible for cops to do their jobs and do their jobs aggressively. There's a reason why there's good guys and bad guys in society, and the bad guys are master manipulators. They're like hyenas in the wild. They'll do anything they can to take the kill.

They'll do anything they can to sneak up on you and attack you and eat you and chew your bones. They don't care. They're opportunists. They're predators. They'll look for any single opening or angle, and they're dirty and they're bloody, and they don't care if they eat you alive from the ass end.

Well, your brain is still functioning. And so for the cops to not be equally as tough and aggressive and let these guys know that if they're going to mess up, if they're going to break the law, then they're going to have to deal with the harsh consequences. But now, oh my God, with all the training, these cops are petrified of being sued. These cops are petrified of losing their jobs. They're petrified of being blamed of something they didn't do.

So now when you watch cops, you've got these big macho cops with tattoos and buzzcuts. They looked like they just came out of the Navy SEALs. And you think, oh, man, this cop is going to tackle this bad guy. you know, twist his arm back, and if he has to cold cock him and knock him out, so be it. This guy's being nothing but trouble and aggressive and resisting the arrest. But, oh, no. Oh, David, are you okay? Let's, everyone, let's come on, let's get three more cops over here.

Let's all lift David up. Ready, David? Crouch your knees on one, two, three. Roll back and force. Two, three. And up we go, David. Oh, my goodness. Let's brush David off.

There's twigs all over him. Oh, David. Are you okay? You five-time felon, murder arrests, drug possession charges, drug dealing, stabbing, gang affiliation, drug pedaling, child molestation. Are you okay? Holy shit. I can't believe it, man.

And again, I don't want the cops to abuse anyone. I don't want them to physically hurt them or shoot them or kill them. I don't care if they're white, black, Asian, Indian. No human being deserves to be, you know, abused or have violence perpetrated against them. But when you're in a game of good and bad, good and evil, crime and no crime, you've got to use some muscle, you've got to use some muscle. you've got to use some bravado, you've got to use some macho. You've got to let these punks know that if they get taken down,

it ain't going to be a nice bottle of water and a handhold into the backseat. You're going to get roughed up a little. You know why? Because you deserve it, because you've roughed up the community. You've stolen someone's car. You've punched someone's daughter. You've stabbed someone's son. You've robbed a 7-Eleven store where someone got killed.

You ran over someone. Who knows what you did? And then on top of that, you should watch this show, man. The lying has gone through the roof. You know, in the old days, guys were just like, yeah, okay, so I was dealing drugs. You know, they at least kind of admitted it when they got caught. But you got to watch it now, man.

The cops will shake a guy down. They'll search them. They'll find drugs and crack pipes and weapons in their pockets and I'm telling to these guys they all must go to a convention or something like oh man I don't know who's that is how did that get in there some guy just lent me his pants

and the cops are like what do you mean yeah I don't know I I ripped my pants and there was this guy and he said I could borrow his pants or oh I just bought these pants at the second hand store I didn't check the pockets I didn't know there was something Like, yeah, I'm not even joking. And the cops are forced to play along, like more. Oh, really?

Well, oh, oh, interesting. So, so someone gave you the pants? Okay, do you know that person's name? Do you remember where you saw them? Did you know, can you give us a description? Like, no, stop playing into their lies and their games. And they just say, hey, cut the fucking bullshit. get in the back of the car

you're doing time or you're going to court or you're going to jail, you're going in front of a judge, you fucked up dude. Hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged

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After all, you're in your small space era. It's time to own it. Shop now at IKEA.ca. Gugnior. I'm telling you this. Other stuff, man. Here's the danger. And for those of you that are sitting there going, Harlan, so aggressive, so uncompassionate and uncaring. I'm compassionate. I'm caring, but I'm more compassionate and caring to the victims,

to the people that can get hit by the car or doing the drugs or getting robbed or raped or molested. Those are the people I'm kind and compassionate towards. I don't have time to be kind and compassionate to the criminals, but that being said, I don't want them to be wrong. roughed up illegally. I don't want them to be roughed up just for the sake of doing it, but I also don't want them to be pampered like newborn babies.

I don't want them to be treated with such adoration like a Thanksgiving turkey coming out of the oven. Holy fuck. Like make it so that there's a cause and effect here. Make it so that we're living in the real world. If you touch a hot stove, you're going to get burnt. There's a penalty for your stupidity, for your actions, for your mistakes. If you rob a bank or a 7-Eleven or rape a girl or sell drugs, you're going to get burnt.

There's a penalty. You're not going to get treated all nice and dainty and, oh, my God. So this is the trajectory we're on. This is the world we're living in. And as much as everyone's praising this new law that Trump and the day, Democrats and the Republicans push through about letting people out of jail early and all this stuff? I don't know. I don't know. Really? Is that the big agenda of the day? We can't get trade deals done because the politicians are fighting. We can't figure out

immigration because the politicians are fighting. We can't figure out the economy or the military or anything because the politicians are fighting. But the one thing they agree on, Let's let all the bad guys out early. Let's get the drug dealers and the assaulters and the thieves and the shoplifters and let's work on getting them back out on the street. Oh, yay, we passed legislation. Yay, let's all jump up and down. That's what you're getting done? How about getting something done for the hardworking taxpayers who haven't committed a fight?

fucking crime in their life and go to work every day and work hard and support the police and wake up every day and don't try to rip anyone off you want to maybe pass some legislation for those people good lord cops so there you go that that's the path we're on gang that that's the world where we're we're walking into now where everything's just so laudy done nobody can do anything or say anything or touch anybody or do anything and then one day some of these politicians are going to wake up and there's going to be one of these creeps standing at the end of their bad or one of these creeps is going to molest their daughter at college or murder their kid while they're camping or shoot them while they're driving or something bad will happen to them

and then maybe they go whoops what have we done but knowing these idiots they'd probably walk past their wounded child to go and coddle the fucking person that shot them. Are you okay? Were you traumatized shooting my only son? Oh my God, I don't think he's going to make it, but how are you feeling?

You must feel horrible. Imagine the trauma you're going to have when my son dies, when he bleeds out. Imagine the pain you're going to have to live with. Oh my God, can we get this man of masseuse and a fire truck and an ambulance? and anybody up for giving him a hand job? I mean, this poor man just shot my son.

Can we do something for this man? Holy fuck. There you go. Can you tell him pissed off? Roger, shut it off. I'm just too amped up. There you go. Harland, pissed off at the way they're making the cops.

One cheeseburger with everything coming up. That's splendid. Okay, so speak. and a splendid. Last week I told you that I had been in Saudi Arabia doing stand-up comedy for the first time. And I promised you that I'd play a little bit of it when I started this week's podcast. So I'm going to play you some various clips from it. And it was interesting because, as I mentioned last week, you know, I'm used to doing comedy stand-up where there's no censorship, where I can talk about whatever I want in good old USA or Canada or Australia

or the United Kingdom, you know, you don't think twice about what you talk about. You can talk about sex or politics or religion or beastiality or whatever you want. But over in Saudi Arabia, that's a different culture. And so you had to sign an agreement before going over there that you would not talk about sex and hot political topics or religion or war? Or you wouldn't swear, you wouldn't use profanity, you'd, you know, a lot of restrictions. It was almost, it's not a communist country, but the first word that pops into your head, it's like, oh, it feels like communists, or we're not allowed to do anything.

And that being said, there's some very modern and progressive sides to the Saudi culture, and there's also some old and strange and different sides that we would not be accustomed to and some that we would actually roll our eyes to and not like. But isn't that the same of every society? Do you think Saudis look back in America and go, oh, everything's just perfect? No.

So there's give and take and good and bad everywhere. But as a stand-up comedian, it was really interesting for the first time in my career, except maybe when you're doing like a family-themed show or a kid's type of show where you got to kind of dial it back. But this was the first time where I had to do a show where it was kind of like affected the whole society, not just a small party or group within a society.

This was the kind of mandate. These were the rules for the whole freaking country of Saudi Arabia. So you had to be really diligent, and vigilant of your own wording. And believe me, when you're used to doing something the same way, you're for 25, 30 years. I got to say, it's a little unnerving, but in the same breath it was kind of fun and challenging.

It required a new type of discipline. And not only that, I like to do a lot of crowd work, so I had to kind of find my way through, like, what do people like here? What do they do? What kind of jobs do they have? What do they want to talk about? And sometimes I'd ask a question, and I can see they were afraid.

They were afraid to answer. They would look around the room at each other. Should I answer this? Should I talk to the guy? Are we allowed to talk about this? So it was a really interesting thing. So I'm going to play you some of it. It's probably not super different than anything you've ever heard.

But it will give you a chance to kind of feel and hear what it was like for me to do stand-up comedy live in the, country of Saudi Arabia. Raj Rowling. Give it up for High William. What's that? Arden Highway. That's right. That's my son.

Give him a hand. My son's here. It's free off. He's going to be a girl in the morning. Give him a hand. Oh, it's great to be here at IKEA. Sir, if you can give me a chance, maybe one joke. Sir, if I could just get one joke in before you get the hell up.

Thank you, sir. Give my son a hand, isn't he, right? Pre-off, he'll be a girl in the morning. Pre-off, going to be a girl in the morning. Beautiful girl. Boy, what a town. I was walking around today, and I loved the town, beautiful town, and a little dangerous.

I think I almost got hit by six or seven cars. And I, you know, I'm a comedian, so I did, I did a joke to myself, I said, my God, and they finally give women driver's license here? Can you imagine if they did that? Oh my God. I wouldn't be here right now. I wouldn't be here.

But it is a little starling to you. little starling to get used to the women, the beautiful women, but the thing they were, the shishabab or whatever they are. That is a tough one. That is a tough one. I went on a date with a local girl last night and I just scared in her eyes. And then we went for a nice long walk and things got heated. I stared in her eyes some more. We went out to dinner and I stare in her eyes wasn't much else to really look at you know it's in a way you guys are lucky you know because back home the women are always testing you like the women are they always put on new outfits like how do I look tell me I am do I look fat you're like

well if it was here you just be your your eyes look fat you're like But it's interesting, that thing in the heat. I'm just... All right, I'm just gonna say, how do you fart? How do you fart? You should at least have a vent on the back of that way. It's gotta be like rotissory chicken in there at the end of the end of the night. I mean, if there was ever zombies here, they would love you.

You'd be already cooked. My friend said and he said, what are the women like over here? I said, oh man, they're all wearing Victoria's Secret. He goes, what do you mean? All the women are walking around in underpants. I said, no, you can't see them. It's a secret. I went on a date last night.

I got home. I woke up with my dad. Do you believe it? Delicious Coca-Cola. Great-looking crowd. How is it? How are you, my love? You look beautiful.

Yes, man. What's your name? Rosanna. I love that name. Here, sir, Rosanna. And what do you do? My love, are you working, Rosanna? I am.

are what do you do my love sir she's gonna tell us what she does ma'am where do you work i do coaching you do life coaching okay so you want to tell me how to do my act what did i pick the wrong one right out of the man Roseanna the Life Coach is that fine. You, sir, with the glasses, you have little glasses too. Your name, Fred? What is it? Louder, sir.

At ten. A ten? It looks more like a seven to me. Really don't want to be, Samu. Seven to me. No vote, Eric. I'll say that. that what do you do attend you what you're an instructor you want to tell me how to do my act any speech therapists in the dry

sir you can close your legs and smells looking crowd, like this guy just wandering up and down the stairs, like a damented slinky. Who else we got this? There's a guy in yellow, sir, you're wearing yellow. That's not a traditional color here. You look like Newman's own lemonade, glowing at the night. What's your name, friendly fella? Cresson.

Crescent. You look a little flaky to me. Yeah. Is that really your name, croissant? You come to America, you're eating by theirs, you know that way. This is my sister, Pop-Tart. How about that? What do you do, croissant? Is it my dog now you're working at a bakery, right?

What are your name, my love? What is it? Arada. Arada. Harada what? I'm also a teacher. You're also a teacher. Okay, you're going to tell me how to do my app?

So there you go, gang. Just a little taste of me in Saudi Arabia. And isn't it funny, right out of the gate? This blew me away. It might fascinate you guys. Before I even did my first joke, some guy, a Saudi kid, yelled out the Harland Highway. Did you hear that?

If you go back and listen, the first heckle, or it wasn't even a heckle, who was just an enthusiastic fan, I'm on the other side of the world, and he yells out the Harland Highway. Now, does that warm your cackles or whatever the hell you've got? Isn't that fascinating?

It shows you the power of the internet and the power of the medium, and then I talked to the kid afterwards. We went out and did a meeting greet, and you know the kid was telling me how much he loved the show and we talked about that it was ending and he was just a real fan and I was like oh my gosh that was so cool that was so cool to have that

and then of course all the other jokes I kind of made up I kind of made them up about I don't know as I was watching the other comic ahead of me I kind of that's the way I operate I don't sit at I don't sit at home and toil over a computer and have a pad and a pencil and okay, what about that? I literally just think of jokes before I go on. It kind of, I need that adrenaline to push me. It's like, oh, I'm about to go out.

I need some local jokes. And so literally, you know, eight, maybe seven minutes before I went on, I did that whole run of Victoria's Secret and looking in the eyes and the farting and the shishabob. And of course I was talking about over there, the women where these dark, they're forced to wear these dark, this robe, this clothing, where a lot of it conceals their face, and in a lot of cases it conceals everything but their eyes. And apparently the government's kind of starting to lift that thing now, but a lot of the

women are just so used to it that the majority of the women there still wears, they cover their whole body from head to toe. Many of them cover most of their face, and many of them cover everything but their eyes. And almost every woman wears the black. And the heat over there is sweltering. Why they picked black, I don't know. But that was why I did the joke about the rotisserie chicken inside and blah, blah, blah. So all that stuff was just made up on the spot.

I didn't know how they'd react. You know, it was kind of clean material. It was fun material. Did you notice there wasn't one swear word, nothing overtly sexual? or anything like that. I think the thing that made them a little bit tense was when I did the joke about, you know, I went out with a date,

with a girl wearing a burqa, and I didn't know what was under it, and I woke up with my dad. And that you can tell, that one made them a little, ooh, should we laugh? Should we? That was one of those ones where it was like a little,

they were a little trepidacious. So there we go. I thought I'd share that experience with you guys. And that was just like the first 10 minutes of the set. I went on to do like a 40-minute set. that 35-minute set. But I just wanted to give you guys a flavor of what it was like to step into another world and do what I do. And I think in closing, the beautiful thing is, isn't it nice to know that laughter is universal?

That despite the cultural differences, maybe things that have led to disagreements between our cultures or other countries, not just our country, but war. and money and who knows what else. It's wonderful to know that at the end of the day, all of us can do one thing and that's laugh together. I find that very rewarding when it comes to what I do, and I find it very beautiful. And so it was really nice to see those people light up and smile, to hear them laugh,

to know that I was coming from a distant land and bringing some joy into their life. It was really cool. So there you go. I hope you enjoyed that little taste, and I'll keep you posted if I do stand up in any other exotic countries. Oh, amazing. Wait a second.

Hold it. I saw the whole thing. The machine's fixed. Who's she, your mother? Blow up your pants. The Harland Highway. Crazy news story. That's weird.

Wow. That's strange stuff. Okay, so you know how I said earlier, like, we may think that other cultures are crazy? Well, think about other cultures looking back at America, okay? And you're not going to find this headline in Saudi Arabia or Kuwait or Iraq or, you know, places like that. This is the kind of stuff you get in America, okay? You're ready for this crazy news story headline? Tennessee police wore not.

to flush drugs down toilet for fear of creating meth gaiters. Are you kidding me? We got to read this. Word to the wise, don't flush your meth down the toilet. That's the warning coming out of the Loretta Police Department in Tennessee, after investigators say they caught someone attempting to flush meth, along with several other items in paraphernalia, down the toilet on Saturday. The department advised of disposing drugs, including pills, via the sewage,

because when you sent something down the sewer pipe, it ends up in our retention ponds for processing before it's sent downstream. Our sewer guys take great pride in releasing water that is cleaner than is what in the creek, Pleaks said. But they are not really prepared for the meth. Oh, my God. Can you believe it? So the idea being that you flush your meth down the toilet in Tennessee,

it gets into the water system and the gators get it. Now, unless you're living on another planet, alligators are pretty dangerous, giant, man-eating lizards. They're not afraid to swim up and take you down for lunch, if you know what I mean. So they're already like freaky and creepy and scary and scary. Now, imagine a gator cranked up on methamphetamine. Holy God! That is just insane, man.

Giant dinosaur-like reptiles cranked up on meth. And who knows what other type of pills, according to the story. We got opioid gaiters. We got cocaine gaiters. We got meth gaiters. We got heroin gators, we got magic mushroom gators, we got hash oil gators, we got them their black heroin gators, we got them marijuana gators, we got them PCP gators, we got them, I mean, this is like the guy from the Bubba Gump guy from Forrest Gump. I mean, this is America. Do you know how much, you don't know how much drugs we got? We got LSD gators.

We got, I mean, holy God. I just want to put on a flashlight and head out to the swamp tonight and see if there's a burning man going on out there. I mean, I want to, I'm guessing there's like, you know, alligators doing fart bubbles and making lava lamps and eating mushrooms. And holy God. Forget going to the nightclub downtown. Let's head down to the swamp.

Let's head down to the bayou. They're having a disco tonight, boy. Hey, Mary Ellen, you want to go dancing tonight? We'll put your scuba gear on. We're heading down to the swamp, baby. We're going to get cranked up tonight. Oh, my God. Hilarious, man.

What the hell? Let's read some more of this story. But in addition to birds, officials said if the water is headed far enough downstream, it would create meth gaiters in Shoal Creek and the Tennessee River down in North Alabama. Quote, they've had enough methed-up animals the past few weeks without our help. So if you need to dispose of your drugs, give us a call, and we'll make sure they're disposed of in the proper way. Yeah, let me just call the police.

Hello, officer. Yeah, I've got three bags of illegal drugs. I've got meth. I've got Afghanistan, black heroin. I've got LSD and what? What are those sirens? What's happening? Who's at my front door?

What the hell? What do they mean? Call them and we'll dispose of their drugs. And by the way, who's disposing of their drugs? I mean, don't drug addicts hang on to their clutch their drugs like a, a fat guy clutches a chocolate cake and all you can eat buffet, man. Good Lord. There ain't no, you know, there ain't nobody just,

you know what, I'm tired of this. I'm tired of this $7,000 bag of cocaine. I'm tired of being cranked up and feeling good and high as a cat all there. You know what? Give me go flush this down the toilet. What am I thinking of having so much fun? Hell, why don't we let the swamp creatures have a little fun, huh? I don't know, man.

So for all you drug users out there, you know, don't flush your stash down the toilet, smoke it or eat it or do something with it. And please, in God's name, protect our wildlife. Oh, hey, man, you want to come over here and smoke a catfish? Wait, what's that? Hold on. What's that, Raj? Oh, we got a guy from Tennessee. A guy that lives down there.

Oh, this will be good. Okay, we got to, who is he? Cool. Okay, Rod just telling me in my earphones, we got a guy who lives down on the bayou down there. and he's at first he's at a firsthand encounter he's seen this stuff oh this will be rich okay let's let's uh let's get him on the phone and we got to cover this story okay hello sir hi man how you doing who's this sir uh this is claude who's this is claude who who who Floyd diaper rash?

No, I see you got there wrong. It's Clyde de Parash. Diperash? It's Cloyd de Parash, okay? Okay, well, let's just go with Coyd. How are you today, sir? Well, we're doing all right. How you all doing?

Well, we're doing good. We were reading this crazy story about the Meth Gade, Oh, hell no, hell no. Well, what do you mean, sir? Oh, man, you know, I've been working with gaiters my whole life up here in Tennessee, and I'll tell you what, we get a drug gator, we're going to shoot that some bit. Yeah, have you encountered any of these, quote-unquote, meth gaiters? Well, I'll tell you what, you know, maybe I does and maybe I didn't,

but, you know, I've seen a gator, and believe me, I work with all. size gaita now, hear me now. I've been working with gaited at, you know, two feet long, little baby gator, and right up to a 14-foot mama-papa gator now, hear me now? Yeah, yeah, I mean, those things grow to be huge. I'll tell you what they do. I've seen a gator longer than my fat cousin's last bowel movement now. Excuse me?

Now, these things are dinosaur. You've got to remember you're dealing with a dinosaur from the plasticine area. The what? The, you know, what the scientists called, the plasticine area. The Palestine era? Well, you know, I didn't go to college, nothing, ma'am, but yeah, you know, whatever, from the area. The era, like the Jurassic era, the... Yeah, whatever.

Yeah, you know, all I know is these things are monster. They got the giant teeth now. They got the big blowing eyes. You know, they're going to eat anything, but you crank them bitches up on, you know, misinfetamine, and you get them going on the heroin and the pill-popping. I mean, I've seen a couple of alligators sitting up on the shores of the swamp there the other day, and they was fucking dancing, and one of them was twerking, for fuck's sake. Okay, sir, I know you're used to the swamp language,

but let's kind of tone down the language there, diaper rash. It ain't dapperash. It's the Palaish. Sorry, I'm not pronouncing your name real well. Well, you know, fuck you then, sir? You got to watch the language. This is a family show. Well, I'll tell you what.

I've been hunting these gaited down here for Claude's Gator meat. We have a farm down here. We get out in that bayou every day. We go looking for them son, bitches. And, you know, they eat you as soon. They look at you. Yeah, they're very dangerous, volatile animals. And are you seeing, are you tracking any of this situation where the water is filled with flush drugs and so on?

Well, I tell you, I saw, you know, normally these son bitches, they just, you know, glide on down the bayou and they're swimming around, you know, really nice and smooth. and I'll be goddamn if I didn't see a pack of them fucking gators swimming backwards the other day and one of them on his back doing a backstroke. I mean, holy shit, I thought, what am I watching the goddamn 1925 Olympics or whatever the fuck they call that? Wait, there was a gator doing the backstroke.

I'll be goddamn, and one of them was doing the butterfly stroke. I can't believe what. You know what, Mr. Williams, I saw. I saw me a 14-foot gator That some bitch was dog paddling I mean, what the shit is that? Whoa, and you attribute this to You think these guys are cranked up on drugs?

I'll tell you what, I was going down to buy you the other day And there was a circle of them There was a circle of gaiters There was up sitting on a log They were sitting on a log That's right, man, side by side I couldn't believe my own fucking eyes I thought, am I jacked up on my own moonshine or wood?

Wait, there was a bunch of gators sitting side by side on a log. And then bastards was smoking a fucking pop pipe. I mean, they were passing the bong around, and they were high as all motherfucking cries. Wait, you saw five gators smoking a bong on a stump? Well, not on a stump now, on a log. I mean, they were passing, and they were that. So we keep going on down to the stump.

Bayou we can barely believe our eyes and we go we go down and I said I said big Jim what the hell is that behind that seed of tree wait who's big Jim he's my partner you know he drive the back of the boat and I stand up front and I keep my eye for the gaiders okay so you and big Jim are cruising down the bayou and I say big Jim what the hell is there behind that seed of tree over there on the show line okay and we get pulled up big Jim steered a boat right over by the that big cedar tree, and we look behind, and Mr. Williams, I swear, as Jesus is my brother. Okay, what was there? There was a goddamn 14-foot alligator standing there,

putting a needle in his arm full of black Afghanistan heroin. Now, what the fuck is that? Wait, the what? Yeah, you heard me from your lips to God's ears. Not my lips, I didn't say it. Well, if you don't know the sayings of the South, that's your problem now. Wait, you're telling me There was an alligator

Shooting up with a needle Behind a tree Oh man, he was high as a kind We said, what you're doing there, boy That's what we do We yell at them gators We want to scare We go, what you doing there, boy?

Okay And that thing turned around And I swear with his big Goofy, crooked ass smile He just looked at us His eyes be rolling In his head And he was like

Hey man, what's happening You guys want to come over here on the shoreline and fucking party, bro? What are you saying? I'm telling you, Mr. Wham, this guy was, this guy was jacked up higher than my fucking brother's pickup truck after he run over a fucking armadillo. What are you?

There was an alligator shooting heroin into his arm. It's awful to see. I mean, he was an addict. He could tell he was an addict. And there's no help of them once they go around that corner. I mean, he's full on, he's addicted to heroin. What the hell? So we keep rolling on down the river.

You know, we're looking for a drug-free gator because I can't afford to sell, you know, gators all cranked up on methamphetamine and crack to my client. They want nice clean gator meat now you hear. Okay, so you keep going down the bayou. That's right, and you'll never guess what we saw, Mr. Williams. I'm afraid to ask. Yeah, I'm afraid to tell you.

you now, it was, yeah, this breaks my heart, Mr. William. This was a female alligator, pretty little thing. Okay. Probably about nine foot, nine and a half foot. You know, Big Jim thought it was a 12-footer, but I got a better eye to Big Jim. Okay. And this pretty little gator, oh my gosh, standing in the bulrushes, okay, with her arm behind her head, and she's like, I'll blow you for some crack. What? That's what I said, what did you say there? She was like, she was waving and she was all seductive, posing in the bulrush.

I'll blow you real good for some crack. Are you telling me, a full-grown gaiter was offering you a blowjob for some crack? Isn't it sad, Mr. William? You know, there was a time when the bayou was clean and fresh and now just full of drug-addicted reptiles. It makes my heartbreak. I mean, good Lord on a Christmas sleigh, Mr. William. What, so, hope, wait. Yeah, I know it's a tongue-tide.

Jesus is Lord, and drugs is a scourge. What? I believe it's the Satan's work. I believe Satan is in the water in the bayou, and these poor dinosaur reptiles are so proud and mean and, you know, vicious, and now they're just drifting a laugh. I feel like I was so every time I get in the bay. I tell Big John, I feel like we're drifting through fucking woodstock.

I mean, it's just crazy, man. Okay, you know, I'm finding this a little excessive, Cloid, diaper rash. I mean, it's to perish, man. I mean, how many times I got to correct you? I'm sorry, Coyd, but, I mean, this sounds a little, a little extreme, okay? Well, yeah, yeah, you can think it's a little extreme until you see a, a nice, And forget a popping oxycotting into its mouth and smoke in the end of a fucking log. I mean, that's what...

Okay, I'm not sure I'm believing this at all. Well, maybe you're on oxycott, you dumb fucking city-dwelling fucking piece of shit. Whoa, hang on now. You had me fucking city folk think you got everything figured out. Why don't you get your hairy bald ass down to the bayou, and me and Big John will take you for a ride. We'll show you what's what. Maybe we'll fucking roll you up A marijuana fucking seeds and leaves

Make you like a granola bar And shove you down a big old Gator's mouth How about that? You fucking honky city folk Fucking dip shit Fuck you, eat your pussy What What the heck?

Eat my... What did he... What the hell? Holy shit. Lloyd Clyde diaper rash. Oh, my God. Oh, Roger, where do you get, you know, our third last show, and you get this guy? Holy God, I wonder if the guy in Saudi Arabia can take back his praise for the Arland Highway.

What a joke. Oh, God, let's just keep going, Roger. I don't know why we always get these people, and then they always hang up on me. Has there ever been a guest where they haven't hung up on me? like in the history of the, the podcast. It just seems like I'm always getting slammed down. People yelling at me. People mocking me.

I mean, what the hell? Why can't I just get a nice guest who does it? What? Who's calling? Oh, Harlan. It's Roger. Yeah, there's someone on the hotline. Okay, well, I'm busy doing my show now.

We just took a call. Yeah, and I'll tell you something else, you city folk, dishbag. Wait a minute. is this? You know who this is? And I'll tell you what, you mean sensitive city folk douchebag? Sir, if you could stop, why is he calling back? I'm calling back because I didn't finish. Now, my boy, Big John, you know, you sit there and you make fun of us swamp dwellers, and, you know, we're making a living harvest and Gator meat, and you up there, and you know, a big city sitting on your throne and whatever you're doing, going to your Kentucky fried chicken or whatever the

hell you do. What are you talking about? Meanwhile, my boy, Big John, I told you about him, he stood the back of my boat. Okay, Big John. And I'll tell you what, you make fun of us, and here we got Big John laid up in the hospital. He all mangled up and chewed up. Why is he mangled up? Well, I don't know if you ever got a blowjob from a crack gator. But Big John, he took that gator up on that proposition now.

Wait a minute. The gator that was offering a blowjob for some crack? Yeah, that's right. And big job, while he gets a little lonely out there. He's not married. He don't got no woman in his life. And so he undid his trial, and he put his, you know what, his fishing tackle in the mouth of that mean old gator. Wait a minute.

Are you telling me he took that gator up on the blowjob offer? I'm telling you a man got to do what he got to do to not feel lonely in the bay. Oh, hell no. Wait a second. And I'll tell you what, you know them Gators got them big toothy mouths, right? Well, yeah, they're dinosaurs. That's right, and Big John got himself a blowjob, and it started off, okay. But when you got a Gator with teeth that big and they cranked up on crack, you know it ain't going to end up pretty.

Wait, what the hell are you saying? I'm saying the Big John Tallywacker looks like the swamp cabbage. That's what I'm saying. Wait, he got mangled up? That's right, that's like sticking your meat in a blender for Christ's sake. I mean, you can't get a blow job from a alligator on crack. I mean, that's like sticking your knob in the end of a fucking ceiling fan in the middle of the night where you're drunk up on Jack Daniels.

What are you saying? You're telling me a full-grown man stuck his, you know what, in the mouth of an alligator because he thought he was going to get a blow job. That's right. Every man have a right to have pleasure in his life. Now, just because we live out in the bayou, and we out in the backwoods, and you think we're seven tits to Sunday, doesn't mean a man don't got his needs. That's right.

So I'll tell you what. You can sit there and make fun of us, and you can maybe send some money to John to help get his swamp cabbage fixed up, because he in a lot of pain. He pulled down his pants. It looked like a plate of a country cold slaw. Oh my God That's right So why don't you stop making fun of us

You dipshit city folk And get your money sent And help a big John I'll repair his fucking French fried filly-fackle What are you Guy go suck your Your brother's fucking pussy My brother's

What the heck Roger do not let him call back Okay I'm done with that guy It's just too He He let his friend get a BJ from a crack smoking gaiter. Unbelievable.

Unbelievable. You know, you know what? Let's just end the show here. We don't need to. I'm not going to be able to get around this. My listeners are sensitive. They're educated.

They're not going to be able to get around a guy calling in and talking about his boat buddy getting a BJ from a crack gator. God. Is it any wonder why this podcast is coming to an end, gang? With this type of material, with these stories, these guests, why could we be like Joe Rogan and get Elon Musk once, didn't we? We've had bigger, better, we've had Barack Obama, we've had Trump, we've had Kim John Ung, we've had Elon Musk, we've had, I think we've had the best guests ever. So there.

But anyways, we're going to end it right there, folks. Hope your summer is going great. We are down to two more episodes of the Harland Highway. Sorry, we were a day late on this one. I just had a lot of stuff going on this week, so hopefully you're understanding. But we got it to you. We got it to you 24 hours late, but we got it to you. And just two more to go.

next episode Roger is going to be he says he has an announcement for me the next podcast the second last one Roger says he has a big announcement he wants to share with everyone so that's probably something cool

and exciting so make sure you're there for that and let's see do I have any stand-up gigs I can tell you about yes why yes this weekend I'll be in Orlando Florida at the improv. I'll be there July 26 and 27th. And then the following weekend, I'll be down in Miami, Florida at the improv there. That'll be August 2nd, 3rd, and 4th. So if you're living

in Florida and you want to laugh, baby, you want to have some laughs. I'm your man. I'm your Florida man. So get your groove on down in Florida. Check my website, harlornwilliams.com. You can actually purchase your tickets there we have a link just go to my stand-up tour page and uh you can uh you can pre-order so that you're not disappointed if we sell that stuff out now i'm kind of worried i'm heading to the south that's that's gator country down there i got to keep my eyes open for for meth gators man um anyways love you guys thank you for being here uh hopefully you had a good time and yeah sadly just two more And, oh, boy, it's getting emotional here.

But I can say it three more times, actually two more times, three more times, including this one. See why I'm off with the numbers. I can say this only three more times, and this is the third last time. Until next time, chicken. Chalmayne, baby. Fucking deep shit. Fuck you. Eat your pussy.

Thank you.