The Harland Highway - 1003 - It's the FINAL PODCAST featuring AUNT RUTHY, BBQ EDDY, MR. FEATHERSTONE and goodbye calls from the PAVEMENT POUNDERS

Episode Date: August 12, 2019

It's the FINAL HARLAND HIGHWAY PODCAST, featuring AUNT RUTHY, BBQ EDDY, MR. FEATHERSTONE, goodbye calls from the PAVEMENT POUNDERS, and more! Thank you all, love you!! Harland. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh boy, this is it, ladies and gurgles, schnigblirgdans. Get your box of Kleenex out. It's the final Harland Highway podcast, episode 1,000. And it's the longest one I've ever done, because it's the last one. It's a little special. It's two hours long, so you can listen to it in portions, I guess. But we're going to reminisce. We're going to talk about the history of the podcast, the origins of the podcast.

We're going to get a bunch of goodbye final phone calls from pavement pounders. We're going to talk about the different aspects and different layers of the podcast, what it meant to me, what I thought it meant to you. Aunt Ruthie's calling in for the last time. So we'll be hearing from Aunt Ruthie. We'll be hearing from Barbecue Eddie for the last time. Apparently my boss, Mr. Featherstone, wants to talk to me. so I'm going to be going up to the 12th floor to see.

I'm hoping he gives me like a good farewell, you know, present, maybe a golden watch or a basket or a bonus, something nice. I'm sure, after almost 10 years, I think, I would hope you would make it nice. And we're going to reminisce. We're going to play some of the old crank phone calls that I did over the time. Just a real retrospective and a nostalgic look back at a great ride. Thanks for being here. Let's go.

This is the final episode of the Harland Highway. What do you know my name? It's on the marriage certificate. I've never seen you before in all my life. Hold on to your airbag. The heartless, heartless monsters. All of you through and through. You're riding down the Harland Highway.

Oh, yeah! When you see a fallen stock, that means a witch has just died. You clumsy idiot? The Harland Highway. All I want is to hear people say something again and to see people moving again. I'm Floyd Bernie, a rockabilly boy. Don't you understand? You're listening to Harlan Williams. I can't be your daughter. I'm a machine.

Man, you've been dead a thousand years. My George, I think he's got it. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan. Williams. What's up, Doc? Mr. If you're going to lose, you're going to lose right now. Don't leave me here! Well, I guess, in a way, I am going to leave you right here.

This is the day we've all been dreading, gang, pavement pounders, fans of the show, followers, levers, comerbackers, casual drop-iners, once or twice a listener, maybe This is the first show you're ever going to listen to. You heard about Harland Williams as a podcast. I'm going to tune in, only to realize you've joined on the last day. This is officially our 1,000th episode. Even though it says 1,003, one of my astute pavement pounder fans discovered somewhere along the way during all the years. I bungled up the numbers, and I misnumbered everything.

And so I was short, technically, three episodes of the Harland Highway. And so the numbering was wrong. And so now here at 103, this is actually, based on that information, a thousand episodes. So this is number 1,000. What a journey. Maybe I should talk about the journey a little bit here before we get into the depths of the show. but, you know, one of my modus operandi, one of my objectives with this show, was just to kind of alleviate the boredom of your week, maybe your day, your year, whatever,

and kind of create this alternate universe wherein I was this guy who was running this talk show, this radio show from an office building somewhere, and nothing ever really went right, and there was chaos and silly events happening. And I have a crazy boss, Mr. Featherstone, and I interview people that are just kind of not really normal. And, you know, just kind of theater of the mind is what I wanted to create. And it's something I've wanted to do my whole life. When I was younger, when I started, when I was a young kid, I used to do, used to make tapes. My parents had a cassette tape recorder, and I used to, you know, when no one was

home, I would put it on, and I'd just kind of create these scenarios where I was talking to myself, but I was doing all the other characters. So I did this when I was, you know, when I was a young kid, then I was in my teens, and then when I went to college, I found myself still doing it. I had like three college roommates and when they left the house I would like I would like start recording and doing doing voices and pretending to interview people and creating these weird theater of the mind worlds. I loved I loved creating other characters that didn't exist, you know, personalities that really didn't exist in the universe. And just with the use of my voice, I suddenly created a human being.

And I always found that process fascinating. And that's what I've done on this show. If you think about it, if you run through the library of all my characters from Dr. Ascot to Dr. Debbie Timer, to, you know, Colonel Tom Dowdy, to Samuel E. Quowke, to, you know, all of them. Cinnamon Boy and Billy the Camp. Fire kid and you know all of them these are human beings that don't exist in the real world but yet somehow I've convinced myself that they're real and in doing so probably you know convinced you to a degree that they exist at least their personalities they're obviously

not here in the physical form but the fact that you listen to the podcast and buy into the fact that a character is being talked to. You know what I mean? It's like, it's really there's nothing there. And so I find that fascinating that not only I can create that, but also I can pull other people listening into that world and have them buy into that there's another human out there. But this person doesn't even own one molecule.

They are less than air. They are less than thin air. They are merely reverberations of my vocal cords that echo into your eardrum. That's pretty fascinating, isn't it? That's all these people, all these imaginary characters. That's all they are. They're really just a sound. They're really just a series of flowing sound way.

Right? This is sound. I'm just making noises with my throat. And when I do a voice, oh, I'm Billy the Canfire Boy. It's just a noise. Isn't it weird? But yet we have over the years,

probably over the 10 years, you've probably imagined what this character looks like. You probably imagined probably beyond what you hear of him in the podcast. You might have imagined what his parents look like. You might have imagined what he's wearing. You might have imagined what color his hair is. You might have imagined if he has any friends or where he lives. And that's the beauty of the theater of the mind.

And so with this show, I tried to create these places and these people and these environments that I could take you to and take myself to and just explore and be uninhibited and, and just blow the walls off and just go anywhere and do anything. And it's something, like I said, I've been doing my whole life. And then when I was, when I started my comedy career, I actually decided my first comedy album was going to be this type of stuff. And I did a back in those days, in the 80s, I made a cassette.

My comedy album was on a cassette. And it was called When Rubarb Turns to Rattish. And it was literally like an hour-long special of me doing these types of characters that you hear in the podcast. So it's been a lifelong passion. And as I said, I really just wanted to break up your week, break up your life, kind of, you know, when you're going through your routine, whether it's boring or exciting or whatever it is, suddenly you have these fantastical characters. and situations to distract you, maybe make you laugh, make you smile. And it's such a pleasure to do it. I'm going to miss it.

I'm going to miss it. But, you know, I feel like we put down a thousand episodes. I think we're at nine or ten years. I've lost track of the years. So maybe if one of our astute pavement pounders goes, oh, you still owe us two years, Mr. Williams. I'd probably be like, oh, okay. So I miscounted the year.

so I owe you two more years of podcasts. I got it. No, I can't do that. But it's been a hell of a ride. It's been very creative for me. It's been very, it's been a great outlet. It's been very exploratory for me. It's allowed me to kind of dig into a lot of places and find things. And what's really fun, and I've told you this before, but some of you might not. be aware of it, but none of my bits, my sketches, my characters, none of it was ever written down. Maybe here and there a bullet point, like, oh, say the word rocket ship here or mention the ice cream shop, but that was rare. I mean, I'd say 99.9% of every single thing

you ever heard just came right off the top of my head. I didn't plan it. I didn't prepare it. I just kind of, the only thing I'd prepare is I'd think of a topic, and I'd just let my mouth roll. And I didn't go back and edit. I mean, 99.9% of every sketch you heard was just me rolling through from beginning to end. It was extremely rare if I ever stopped and cut something. Usually, if it was a sneeze or I coughed or, you know, I had a mucous fit or something like that or my phone rang. And even then I'd leave it a lot of the times you guys could probably hear it. But everything that you heard was 99.9% just flowing off the top.

And sometimes I didn't even have a topic. Sometimes I just turn on the microphone and go, you know what? Let's just introduce a character or let's just bring up an old character and I don't know. I'll just say, hello, is that you? And let the character roll. And that's what's what was so stimulating for me because these characters, even though it's me, when I jump voice, when I shoot the focus back to the other character, it's kind of not me. I'm kind of the shaman for them. I'm kind of like the conduit for these characters to speak and come to life.

And I'm fascinated with some of the stuff they came up with, man. I mean, I came up with. But when you're doing it in another voice, it's kind of surreal. When you really just let it go and you commit to it and you don't overthink it and you just let it happen. I mean, there were times when I just felt like I was talking to other people because I didn't know what was coming next. You know, it's like George Michael, I'd be like,

so what did you do today, George? Well, that's none of your bloody business, is it, Holland? I mean, why should I tell you what I've been doing? What the hell you've been doing, eh? What, you've been down in the basement playing with rhubarb? No, I haven't been playing with rhubarb. Well, I bet you have because I know you like to play with vegetables. I don't like to play with vegetables.

Oh, I bet you do. I bet you got some under your pillow right now. Well, now, wait a minute, George. No, you go under your pillow, Ireland. I bet you got some goods and some rhubarb and some turnips, right? Okay, maybe I do. I thought I knew it, and stop calling me, George. It's George fucking, you see, just like that.

Like, that just came out. I don't know if it's funny. I don't know if it's good, but it just flows out. And it's so much fun because why did I just start talking about vegetables under my pillow with George Michael? But that's the joy that I had. And I hope that translated to you guys. And I hope you enjoyed it. And as you know, in many of my sketches, you'd hear me crack up laughing.

And that's because a lot of the times I didn't know what was coming out of these characters' voices next. and so they always tend to say outrageous things and funny things and I would just sometimes lose it and that that was a real joy there were times when I was like oh I hope I lose it on this sketch I hope I because it's just you know don't we just love to laugh isn't it the best feeling ever for the soul and the body and the heart and the mind and that's that's the other reason I wanted to do this was to just

give you guys something to to give you that joy Man. To give you that joy, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, I got many a phone call and many an email from people saying, man, I was having a shitty day, man, and I, I, my girlfriend dumped me and I lost my job and I'm just depressed and all of a sudden I listen to your podcast and I had to pull the car to the side of the road because I was laughing out loud and you just, you just, you just lifted my spirits, man, and you may, ah, No, he didn't jump. He didn't jump. So that was the, outside of actually doing all the performing, that was the best thing about this. Such a treat, such a treat. And the other thing is I said before, you know,

we go through life and we're given skills, we're given gifts. All of us are good at something or many things, right? Some of you might know how to put up drywall immaculately. Some of you may know how to drive an 18-wheeler with your eyes closed. Some of you may be mathematicians. I can't even divide. I don't even know what 8 divided by 19 is. I'd take me 10 minutes to answer.

But we're all good at some things, right? And so I kind of had to believe that maybe I was good at this or tried to be good at it. at least and comedy's been the backbone of my career and my life and and I do a lot of shows and I do a lot of movies and TV and entertainment and a lot of that stuff doesn't come free. You got to pay for it or you got to pay to come see me at a club or you got to go pay to see a movie I'm in or whatever, right? And so part of this podcast was, you know, how can I just put something back in the universe? How can I put something out there for people where there's no financial commitment, there's no attachment, there's no, it's just, I guess, my way of saying to God, thank you for the gifts you've given me, thank you for the opportunity you've given me to bring joy and maybe ideas and perspective and thoughts or whatever it is I put out there.

and uh and and and and and and this was my way of of just kind of like putting it back out there for all to enjoy and and uh you know that there's no no monetary there's no price on it it's just it's just there and it's my way of saying thanks to the universe thanks to god thanks to everything and and it's just a way to give back you know and i think we all do that in our lives, right? We all, you know, how many of you are skilled at something, like whether you're a laborer, a carpenter, or a mechanic, or who knows what, you know, maybe you're even a social worker, a marriage counselor, how many of us have done stuff off the books, where it's like, you know what, that guy looks like he needs a new carburetor, he looks like he's, you know,

I'm just going to do it, or that person looks like they need some marital advice, or that person and had a, oh, my God, the rain destroyed their basement. I know how to fix basements and, you know, we've all done things just because it's for the good of it, right? It's to give. It's to give back to other human beings. And that's part of the journey in life, in my opinion. And, you know, it feels good.

And I think it makes other people feel good. So something to remember as you make your journey through life is to, try and be kind and generous and put stuff out there for people without looking for anything in return. And, yeah, and that's been very fulfilling for me. And, you know, there were times when I could have monetized my podcast. A lot of people did it where they got advertisements and they hired, you know, professionals to help them, you know, create a money flow for their podcast and and I never did it. I thought about it. I had chances to do it and and I you know the only thing I ever did was the premium membership was which was 20 bucks a year and that was just to

kind of help cover some of my costs but to be honest and I'm not whining I'm not pouting I'm just to be honest that the podcast at the end of the day costs me money to make but again I don't care that's part of it that's part of the you give back right not everything's about stuffing money under your mattress and look what I've got oh you know it's like who wants to live like that um so even though I had the opportunity to to do the you know monetize the podcast something inside just spiritually didn't feel right about it hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex that's what you you want it to be better not worse trust me

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About it. It wasn't that I couldn't have chased it or worked harder at it. I really just, it was something I fought against. I was like, I don't want to read commercials to my listeners. I don't want them to turn it on. And here I am doing a funny bid. And then right in the middle of it, I'm asking them to buy a mattress or buy, you know, erectile dysfunction pills.

or, you know, buying a timeshare in Maui. You know, I just, I wanted to keep the podcast clean and separate and, you know, on its own. And the only thing I ever did was play commercials as a joke. I found all those old, you know, vagusil commercials. For those of you that might have thought those were real sponsors, no, those were just old vagusil and douche commercials that I found because I thought, what could be funnier?

then a podcast and all the only commercials they ever play are for vagusil and duches and and i know it was a little crass but that was the point it was just it was kind of my little running commentary on just the fact that they they dressed those commercials up so pretty with birds singing in the background and a you know a mother and daughter having a talk mom can i ask you something yes dear to you douche you know it's just they're just they're so kind of dirty but so innocent at the same time so they always made me laugh so there you go there's kind of a little bit of insight into the podcast on the final day i don't want to make it too long and boring but uh i just wanted you guys to kind of know where the journey started and what kept me motivated and and as i've told you i'm i'm bringing it to an end because i feel like

You know, we've done a lot, and I want to pour my creativity into something new. And I am doing that right now, and I will keep you updated on that. As I said, I'm going to leave the podcast channel open. So once I end the podcast, you don't have to go, well, I guess I'll delete the Harland Highway. Just leave it hanging like a ghost, like an old sweater in the closet. You know what I mean? You know how you have like 30 shirts in your closet or 30 outfits? And, you know, you rotate them, you wear them like, you know, once every few weeks or every few months.

But there's that one sweater or that one shirt down at the end of the rack. And you maybe throw it on once a year or two or three times a year. You're like, all right, I'll say, well, that's probably what I'm going to do with the podcast. I'll probably every now and then I'll throw one out there and surprise you and maybe bring out some of the old characters or who knows. knows. Maybe I'll do something completely new, you know. So leave the door open a crack for your old friend, Harland, and maybe one day when you least expect it, I'll give you a little giggle.

Also, who knows? Will I do another podcast? I know there's people probably asking. It's possible. I don't know. You know, the field is so oversaturated with podcasts. There's so many now. Like, I almost don't know who doesn't have a podcast. And kudos to everyone who does them. Good for them. They're great. They're fun.

But I also found that, you know, personally, my creativity stems from trying to be unique. I've always strived to do things that other people hadn't done yet or not many people did. Or, you know what I mean? I like to find mediums and formats that are kind of untapped or, you know, untread and and the podcast world got very busy for me you know suddenly i've got tons of people asking me to be on podcasts and you know there's a podcast for if you've got a broken window in your house there's a broken window podcast if your if your dog has a cold there's a dogs with cold podcast if if your cereal fell on the floor in the morning there's a lucky charms on the

floor podcast and I'm not knocking it. That's great because there's interest for everyone, but to me it just kind of made things a little boring, you know? It's like if you're a hockey player and you're on the ice and there's supposed to be six hockey players on your team on the ice at the same time, but every game, the coach started putting two or three extra players on the ice. And you're like, wait, what? How do we have 14 players? And then, you know, by mid-season, you've got 62 players on. your team and you're all skating around bumping into each other and there's there's very little room to maneuver and there's very little ice space there's a little very little surface and

the fans don't know who to look at and cheer for and so i just i don't know that that was part of it too but not the main part the main part was just it was time you know it's time so um so today's show you know we'll we'll we'll have some fun we'll we'll get through it we'll enjoy it. It's not going to be a Debbie Downer session. We're going to celebrate the podcast, and we're going to take some of your phone calls. We're going to, you know, we're just going to do our thing. So why don't we start with a couple of goodbye phone calls from some of the fans, some of the pavement pounders, and then we'll wrap everything up at the end. I'll say my thank yous and my goodbyes and all that stuff.

All right. All right. Raj hit it, uh, some phone calls from the pavement pounders. Hello. Hello. Harlan, I have a request for your last podcast. Could you please pronounce the name Sanders instead of Saunders? I've been listening to you for years now and you've been pronouncing Bernie Saunders and Colonel Saunders from KSC.

and it really irritates me. So please, could you say it right just one time for me on your podcast? So I'll be much happier person and I can move on with my life. Thank you so much. You have a great day. And thank you for all the good times you brought us. Hello, my name is Bernie Sanders. I am running for President of the United States.

I like to flap my arms around in the air, I put them out in front of me like a praying mantis, I wiggle them up and down, and if you see me at an outdoor rally, that is because I do not like indoor rallies. At the outdoor rallies, I, Bernie Sanders, have a much better chance of catching an insect in my mandibles, A delicious inch worm, or a dragonfly, perhaps flying past, or perhaps even nesting in my hair. A June bug, perhaps some fresh dewworms that come out of the ground because I spittle so much when I talk. It's like it's raining, and it urges the earthworms to come out of the saturated soil. I, Bernie Sanders. There you go, buddy.

See? I hooked you up. Bernie Sanders. That was another thing I did on this podcast. I don't know why I just mispronounce words. It's part of the way I'm wired. But I got to tell you, that would be pretty funny. Bernie Saunders Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Wouldn't that be delicious? Hello, welcome to Bernie Saunders, Kentucky Fried Chicken. Today I have a three-piece double breast with a chicken leg. saturated in my spittle, and of course, for an extra fee, I can rub the chicken through my flowing white hair. I can also tenderize the meat with my flamingo-like mandibles when I wave my arms around. I can poke your food up and down as I speak, because my arms and fingers are always flapping and moving, and my fingers are always pointed out. and I can poke and prod your fresh chicken breast so that it is extra soft here at Colonel Sanders, Colonel Bernie Sanders, Kentucky fried Bernie Sanders' chicken.

Okay, there you go. See, I did both, but I got you, bro. See, I always wanted my listeners to be happy. Even the ones that called and gave me crap, like there were people that laid into me. There were people that disagreed with me. There were people that got mad and said, I'm not listening anymore. I don't like the way you talk or think. And, you know, even though we all disagree, I always appreciated those calls. I always liked hearing people's points of view, and I always liked having the opportunity for that type of engagement. The only thing I didn't like when people would just get mad.

mad and say mean things and not really want to, you know, they didn't want to hear the response to their anger. You know, there's some people that would just phone in and say stuff and you're an idiot, you're an asshole, and screw you slam. But they weren't open to the, you know, the concept of maybe learning or maybe understanding another person's differing point of view. So even though we had people that called in and disagreed or, you know, disputed things that I might have said or whatever, it was always fun and stimulating. And I appreciate all your calls, regardless of whether they were high praise, low praise, or somewhere in the middle, man. It was all really cool and fun to talk to you guys and get your phone calls. Harlan, this is Patrick from Milwaukee.

Just wanted to give you a call before the last podcast is aired. I've been with you since pretty much the beginning. I worked for a company where I drove on the road here in the great state of Wisconsin and started listening to you and Adam Carolla. You guys are my favorites, and I'm really sad to see you go. I just wanted to get my goodbye in before it's too late. Really can't believe you're leaving. He's been, he's given me a lot of laughs.

I miss all your characters that you used to do back in the day. I don't know why you don't do some of them anymore. I have a feeling it has to do with political correctness. However, anyway, I'm going to miss you, buddy. I'm excited to see what you're going to be doing in the future. and chicken chameen baby bye bye wow patrick you don't know how much that means how how that moves me uh you know to say that you have been tuned in since the beginning and like i said i think it's nine 10 years for you know we don't know each other and for a complete stranger to invest time in what i'm doing

and to want to come along on the ride and do it for that long From beginning to end. Oh, my God. I mean, that's the dream, man. And, you know, the fact that I was able to keep you engaged and interested for that long is just like a mini miracle. And, you know, that's all a creative podcaster can hope for is that you do something that people, it resonates with them, and it stays with them and they want more and they want to keep coming back. And you certainly did.

And for that, I'm absolutely honored. I'm floored. And I know there's many others out there that did the same. But for you to take the time and call and get it in before the last podcast, thank you so very, very much. And just briefly to answer your question about not doing some of the characters, it wasn't anything to do with politically correct. I mean, good Lord.

That stuff, forget it. I don't have time for people with censorship agendas, okay? This is the United States of America. We're allowed to say what we want to say. And so if some of my characters faded away, it wasn't due to anything political correct, although they should probably all be in jail for the things they say. No, what it was is, you know,

sometimes I felt that a character just, just, you know, got exhausted or tired itself out, or I just, I didn't feel like the character had more to say. You know, when I first started the podcast, I did Dr. Ascot every Friday, every single Friday for the first few years. It was Dr. Ascot. And then I just kind of thought, you know, I'd start doing the sketches and go, I'm kind of reaching for it.

You know, it's not, you know how I did the thing earlier where I just let it flow? well every now and then I'd get to a wall with a character and it wasn't just coming easy it wasn't just like and I wasn't satisfied with it I'd be like ah that's not that that wasn't as fluid as I wanted it

that that didn't that didn't come out and feel like a moment it felt like okay that'll do you know and whenever I got to that point with a character I kind of laid them to rest you know but no political correctness

man. I mean, if you listen to the whole show as you did, you'll know that even when I introduced new characters, I mean, they went off on all kinds of tangents. I mean, there was never any political correctness, and not that there needed to be. My show was not geared to hurting people or being mean-spirited or unkind. It was always just kind of to be bizarre and silly and kind of make fun and make light of the topics of the day or just random topics so um yes i know and sometimes i was sad inside i was like oh man i want to keep doing that character but i just don't you know kind of like dr debby timer was one when i first started

doing her oh my god i was like i would if you listen to the first dog i'm just cracking up when i'm doing them and and then as i kept going i just i stopped doing her because i just kind of felt like they're getting too repetitive you know some of them some of the characters you could do and they felt fresh every time and then some I started doing it was like I feel like I just kind of redoing the same thing and not if it didn't if it didn't feel funny to me that was a signal to me that it was time to kind of let that character slide but the good news is you know I always found excitement when I'd find a new character you know like you know corporal tom dowdy or aunt Ruthie or uh you know Rutherford Grimes

Professor Rutherford Grimes, and, you know, who knows who else. But I always had fun replacing the old, tired ones with fresh new ones. So, again, thank you so much, man. I'm so glad you stayed with the show. And I hope you carry with you for the rest of your life some joy in your heart and some comedy. And I'm glad it helped you through times in your life. and I know if you're out there driving a truck, probably putting in a lot of empty, lonely miles

and the fact that I could be in the cab there with you while you were shifting gears and running over moose and stopping a truck stops. I was right there with you putting a smile on your face and helping you watch the scenery go by. So an honor, thank you so much. And let's do one more call, Raj for now, and then we'll pop on to some more later.

and then we'll get going with some other stuff. Go for it. Hey, Harland. I wanted to wish a fond of you, a fondue to you for the final podcast. And the one word seems to sum up your podcast, I'd say, is Karen. and reminds me of the back-to-school movie with Rodney Dangerfield, the scene with Sam Kinnison, where he says, Rodney Dangerfield says, Sam Knesson, really seems to care about what I have no idea. But you definitely cared, even in your rant sessions.

and you know no matter what topic and hope that you'll give us some outlet

in the future for your thoughts on stuff I guess Twitter is it but hopefully It would be something also besides that. Anyway, thanks for the memories.

Like Bob Hope's songs coming out about now. There he is. Speaking of someone who was with the podcast from the early days, this is Brian. And Brian was a regular caller, and he'd send emails to the fan page. And also, Brian would show up at my comedy shows. I mean, Brian, thank you, man. You've been such a committed fan and such a nice guy. And, you know, and Brian never held back.

There were times when Brian would blast me. He'd send me emails or voicemails, or he's like, hey, screw you, man. And then there'd be other times when he'd do the same and it'd be complimentary or nice or sometimes he was just confused by me. but nonetheless, Brian committed to being honest and open and, you know, sharing his emotions regardless of where they went. And he was one of the guys that always had a voice on this podcast. And I was always, and still am, very grateful for that, Brian.

Thank you. And, you know, Brian, when I was ever near where he lived, I think Brian lived in Texas or somewhere around there, but he would show up to a lot of my shows, my stand-up shows. And he wouldn't just come for one. He'd come for the whole weekend. Like he'd, if I was there from Thursday night to Saturday night, he'd be there at Thursday night show,

the two Friday night shows, the two Saturday night shows. And normally he'd be sitting right in the front row. And I got to recognize his face, and I knew who he was. And a lot of times when I'd see him sitting there, I'd make a point to, like, kind of, you know, go at it with them and improvise with them and make comments to them in the front row. And I'll never forget, I think one of my first times is, you know, I drew my, I drew these t-shirts, these custom t-shirts.

And, you know, I sell them on my website, and they're kind of expensive because they're hand-drawn. They're like $65. And I guess Brian bought one. and this was before I really knew who he was. I wasn't able to connect his face or his name to anything because he was out there in the internet world, right? But then I think I was in Dallas, Texas, or somewhere like that, and Brian came to the show, and he was wearing the hand-drawn t-shirt.

And I remember somehow we started talking. I was on stage, and he was in the audience, and somehow I think I made kind of a snappy kind of, derogatory but fun comment it wasn't mean-spirited but i i said something you know like oh that sounds you seem like a real stupid guy or something it was in the in the heat of the moment but again it was it was wrapped in kind of being silly not being mean and i just remember the look on brian's face and i realized he was wearing one of my custom shirts and i just remember seeing the look on his face like almost like you son of

a bitch i spent 65 bucks on your stupid shirt and you just called me an idiot in front of the whole room and he i think he even made a comment about it he said something he said something he's hey man i bought one of your shirts and you're calling me stupid or whatever but i think as brian got to know my stand-up comedy act he he learned you know that that i do that with a lot of people and it's all part of the schick and it's fun and it's it's silly and none of it's to be taken seriously so but i always remember that kind of disgruntled look on your face, Brian, when I, when we had that exchange. And that was kind of my first introduction to you. And then since then, I've been able to talk to Brian and see them at the clubs and say hello afterwards. And so, dude, thank you

for your patronage to the podcast, to the comedy clubs, and also all your thoughtful and sometimes entertaining emails and voicemails, and it's great to have you call in and leave a final goodbye. And thank you so much. All right. So I don't, what? Hold on, Rogers. Who? No. No, I'm not going up to Mr. Featherstone's office. This is the last podcast. No, I don't want to go up there. What's he going to do? Fire me? Oh, he wants to give me something? Okay. Oh, okay.

Maybe it's like a goodbye present or something, like a bonus or like a congratulations on a that. Like, do you think it's that, Roger? Probably, right? Okay, well, there you go, gang. I just got word that Mr. Featherstone, my boss, wants to see me upstairs on, oh, my God, on the 12th floor. And so, Roger. wire me up and let's go. I'm going to head up there.

Play a commercial, Raj, and then we'll catch you on the other side, up on the 12th floor at Mr. Featherstone's office. This is going to be good. Finally, I'm going to get some kind of recognition, some kind of, you know, award for reward for my hard work. This is, okay, now I'm excited to go up and see Mr. Featherstone. Roll it, Raj.

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Let's have a chat that yeast goes scat with yeast that's set. I'm free. well here here i am i'm up on the 12th floor uh in the waiting area waiting to go in to see my boss or my soon to be my old boss my ex boss mr featherstone uh there's betty is hello betty his reception is betty over there how hi betty my last uh my last day uh any any parting were okay the finger just just like oh the middle great the minute that's that's That's all you got.

The middle finger. Oh, the other middle finger. So the double blast, yeah. Okay, well, that doesn't seem to change. All right, okay. All right, I'm going in. Nice to see you, Betty. Here we go.

Into the off. There he is sitting at his desk. Hello, sir, Mr. Featherstone. Hello. Yes, sir. It's me. Harland Williams. Oh.

Harland Williams, sir. Hallelujah. Harland Williams, sir. Happy holidays? Not happy holidays. Harland, you called me from my podcast downstairs, sir. I'm here. Yeah, I, okay, I know who you are.

Sit down. Get your big white flowery, flowery, sir? Your flowery legs. And sit down. What do you mean? Flowery, flowery, flowery. flowery, flowery legs.

We're both having trouble, same flowery. I noticed that, sir. Well, if you didn't have flowery legs, we're going to have to worry about it. Sir, what does that even mean? Your legs are white and pasty, and they look like flowery curtains in an old age home. What the hell are you talking about? Shut up and sit down, garlic bun, crap face. sir you heard me what what is going on sir well before i get to that let me ask you something

okay have you ever farted no i'm not don't start with the farted stuff sir i don't fart on things have you ever farted in a salad bar why in the name of heaven would i fart in a salad bar Because when you're fart in a salad bar, it blows the lettuce leaves all around, and it looks like a nice fall day. It looks like a nice fall day because you're blowing lettuce leaves around with your fart. Sir, people have to eat that lettuce. Not me. What am I amenity? What? Now, before we get to what I'm going to get to for you, okay?

have you been downtown lately what do you mean sir oh don't know what do you mean me there uh gerber baby food clit what gerber baby food clit sir yeah have you been downtown at your funny little bars with your funny little friends sir this is going to be the last time i say this i don't go to funny little bars and I don't have funny little friends. Oh, really? Yes, really. How about that bar at 29th and 14th? What bar are you talking about? Oh, you know the one, the chocolate ice rink? The chocolate ice rink. Uh-huh. Sir? I don't go to the chocolate ice rink with my funny little friends. Oh, so you admit you have funny little friends. Sir,

what am I doing up here? Okay, since you're going to be all snappy there, gingerbread fingers. Gingerbread fingers. Now, you heard me. Okay, what? Well, I'll tell you what, it starts with the letter F. What starts

with the letter F? What I'm about to tell you, Gorgonzola Clit? Sir, what are you going to tell me first of all before i get to that oh god have you ever farted sir i do not fart into have you ever fart into a gopher hole who in the right why would i fart into a gopher hole well maybe you've never heard a groundhog day how about that there uh jingle bell face sir what about groundhog day well we a whole year to see a fancy doodle groundhog, don't we? Okay, that's a tradition.

Well, what if I's don't want to wait a whole year for a fancy doodle groundhog? Why? Because maybe Eyes likes to see a fancy doodle groundhog more than once a year. Okay, so if I squat over a groundhog hole, oh God. and I let rip an eggplant, Italian Caesar salad teaser. What? I can blast that hairy little buck-tooth fuck right out of that hole like a cannonball shooting across the Mississippi River.

What are you talking about? Well, if you can't understand physics, I got no time for your fucking cornmeal backwash. What am I doing up here? Is this what I think it is? Yeah, it is. And it starts with the letter F. Okay, financial package.

I understand. What financial package? Why did you say the word package? Because I'm the exit thing. No, no, you said package. And that makes me think that maybe that's a word you learn downtown at one of your funny little bars. Sir, wait a minute, what is your idea of a package? Oh, wait a minute, what is your idea?

Now, what? Now, when you're downtown at the sizzling pogo stick, the what? You heard me that funny little bar at 29th and forth, the sizzling pogo stick. I do not go to the sizzling pogo stick, sir. Uh-huh. Sir?

Uh-huh. Now, I bet you walk in that pogo stick. place and go wow look at all the packages wow wow wow wow wow wow wow look at that guy's package look at that guy's packet look at all the funny sir stop what can we just get down to business yes we can yes we can and business is this okay thank you have you ever fought it sir into an old lady's wig sir why why Would I fart in an old lady's wing? Because when you do, a dust cloud goes up, and it makes you feel like you're hiking in the desert. Sir, I'm about to walk out the door.

If you don't, I said you're here for the F word. I know, financial, not financial. It sounds like ironed. Iired. With an F. Wait, Fired? That's right. You're.

fired, Weissenheimer. What, what do you mean I'm fired? You heard me. You're done. You are F-I-R-D-D-E-D. Fired. Hello? Hello, are you hearing me?

Oh, I hear you, sir. You heard that I'm, you're fired. Yeah, I heard. Okay, I see you sitting there smiling like a retarded. Circus Clown. No, I'm just, if you want to say it again. Okay, I wait. You're fired.

Hello? Yeah, I heard you, sir. Why are you smiling? You got a crooked-ass grin on your face. Like you just had sex with a pumpkin at the Motel 6 with Jeffrey Dahmer standing over you. Whatever, sir. I'm fired, am I?

That's right. Hello. Why are you grinning like you just won the lottery? I'll tell you why, sir. You want to know why? I would like to. Because this is my last day. You can't fire me.

This is my very last day after ten years of your abuse. What? You heard me, sir. You can fire me? Great. I was quitting anyways. I'm going to be done in like an hour. Wait, no, you.

I run this place. place, not you. Well, you just fired me. Well, guess what there, hemroid pants? Hemorrhoid pants. You're hired. Wait, what? You heard me, you're hired. But you just said I'm fired. Yeah, but since you were already firing yourself, you're hired. Why would you fire me and then hire me? Because I'm in control there, skinny jeans. What? This doesn't make sense. It makes sense to me. You were fired, and now I hired you. And guess what?

What? I'm hiring you for 43 years. What are you talking about? You're never going to retire. This will be your last job, you string bean sucking, cauliflower licking, pea-meal bacon gargling, fucking dragonfly ass. What the hell is going on here, sir? You are hired in perpetuity. No, I'm not. I am fit. This is it.

The reason I was grinning is because you fired me and already knew I was leaving. So playing tricks on me, how wise guy? You just got an extra 10 years. Well, an extra 10 years of what? Hired. What are you saying? You're now staying here for 54 years. What is you're hired?

What? You can't hire. me I just did step into my office why because you're hired no I'm not hired I'm I'm out of here sir wait where you going I'm I don't know where I'm going I don't know what I'm doing but I'm not doing this probably headed to one of your funny little bars downtown huh how about the upside down velvet cheesecake sir I'm just gone you say whatever you want, it doesn't matter anymore. Yeah, well, we'll see you soon enough, Tinkerbell teeth. Sir, you know, I'm done.

See you later, sir. Goodbye. Oh, no, nobody walks out on Mr. Featherstone. I'm walking out, sir. Goodbye, sir. You'll be back. Goodbye, Mr. Featherstone. Have a great life.

Slam! What do you mean have a great wife? What about my wife? Betty, thank you. I won't be seeing you again, so I wish you all the best. I wish you hope and happiness and joy and the middle finger. Okay. Thank you, Betty.

I'll always remember our engaging little chat, and there's the second middle finger. All right. Goodbye, Betty. I'm headed back to the elevator gang. Just had a big blowout with Mr. Featherstone. And the last one, the guy had the balls to try and hire me. We'll see you back down in the studio in a minute. Good.

What a nightmare. Is it any wonder I'm leaving? Hey, Dad. Yes, Sally? Can I ask you something? Sure. Do you douche? Well, sure I doosh.

Should I doosh, too? Sometimes I feel stuffy. Dushing not only helps you with your stuffiness. It makes you feel fresher. Here, try this. What is it, Dad? That's the pumpkin spice douche. Oh, wow.

It sure smells nice like a candle. It does smell like a candle. Now try it like this. Oh, where do I stick it? Well, here's a receptacle tip. And you just take it like this. How? Oh, it hurts.

Just stuff it up there, Sally. You'll feel fresh. Oh, there we go. Thanks for teaching me about douching, Dad. Honeydew disposable douches, now available in pumpkin spills. bites. Trick or treat, Dad. Hello, Secrets Adult Store. How can I help you? Hi, how are you today? I'm great. How are you doing?

I'm good. I'm calling. I wanted to know if you guys carry a nice selection of dildos. Yes, sir, we do. We have quite the selection. Okay, I have a bit of an unusual request. Do you have the yellow ones? You know, I don't know if we have anything in the yellow color. I'm just walking down the wall. I see a yellow butt plug. Okay, you're close. You're in the wheelhouse. My wife has a fetish, and I know you probably get these calls all the time.

My wife has a fetish for Asian penises, and so she wants a kind of, it's unusual, but she wants a small dildo. Do you have like a three-inch one? We definitely have a lot of different sizes, and we do have a variety of colors. But I really like the yellow. She likes the Asian man, and if you have a little. I mean, we have some, you have some, you know, ones that are lighter flesh tones, for sure. Bordering on yellow, like, have you ever seen an Asian man's privates? Well, there are definitely some that could be of numerous different ethnicities.

Okay, okay, we're in the wheelhouse. I think you're probably going to have to come in and see if they, you know, fit what you're looking for. We don't have anything that's actual yellow colored, but it doesn't sound like that's what you're looking for anyways. Well, the main thing is that that small Asian person. compact size so if you got any dildos three inches two and a half inches long um we definitely have some things i'm looking at some different pieces right now we have a lot starting at four inches oh that's um which bit too long bit too big she likes the she likes the feel of that small little asian penis going inside of her um oh boy we definitely we have some smaller you know when it gets to

that size, you know, a two-inch, they're not usually marketed as dildos, but we have a lot of pieces that are that shape and size. What would they be marketed as? So we have a lot of, you know, small vibrators that are that size. Okay, okay, any yellow ones? Not that I am seeing off the bat, but we definitely, like I said, have some different flesh tones. This is tougher than I thought.

You know, my wife, and it's interesting because she used to be into the long, you know, thicker ones, and suddenly she got this, you know, fetish for the Asian. She got yellow fever. Have you ever heard of this? Yeah, well, maybe it does she know that you're shopping? Maybe you can bring her in, and together you can see if there's something that fits what she's looking for. Doesn't I?

I come in with her and we shop around for tiny Asian yellow penises together. Exactly. I mean, a lot of couples come in here and shop together. I always recommend to men shopping for their wives. You're never going to know what she wants as well. does and it's not like i'll have to carry one of those cumbersome baskets around because you know those bastards the penises are so small i'll just carry it in my hand and bring it right up to the cash for sure oh this well you've been a world of help thanks angel for sure do you know where we're located

i do yes we've been in there before last year for christmas we bought some anal beads and it was just wonderful under the tree they were colored they're green and red just wonderful that's cute so we're open until one i am today So come on by any time. 1 a.m. Okay, and maybe we'll pick up some fresh Christmas season anal balls while we grab the Chinese penis. Exactly.

Okay, hey, this has been, thank you, such a wonderful help. Thank you so much. God bless you. All right, see you later. We'll see you. Bye, bye, bye. Oh, just one of the many prank phone calls. And just so you know, Asian people listening, yes, that's a,

a stupid stereotype but we have fun with stereotypes with all kinds of people it's not intended to be mean spirit it's just one of those you know they say Asian people have small ones they say black people have big ones they say white people are in the middle it's just you know we all have those

white people can't dance Asian people can't drive black people don't like swimming It's, you know, and nowadays you say anything And people get so upset And when they don't realize is that Every culture, every race of people Has their own little things

That we should laugh at If we can't laugh at ourselves, what can we do? If we can't have a little fun And tease each other with this stuff Imagine if we stripped out all of this stuff There'd just be no humor. We should always be able to, you know, people that talk like,

this, we called them rednecks, whoop-do. You know, the French people, we say they are stuck up assholes, but we have fun with them, you know. Nobody hates anyone. It's just, and what's sad about today's world is that you have to say this kind of disclaimer after you do anything, because people are just ready to, oh, my God, Harlan Williams hates Asian people. He did a crank phone call.

Relax, good Lord. But, you know, did a lot of fun prank phone calls over the years. And, man, they are fun as hell. But if you think they're easy, guess again, okay? It takes a lot of work. Like, when you're doing a prank phone call and not that I do them, because, you know, I don't even know if they're legal. But for people that do them, man, you have to dial and dial and dial.

You'd be amazed. You'd think just any random phone number you pick, someone's going to pick up. You'd be amazing when you dial random phone numbers or even phone numbers you find online. We're sorry, the number you have dialed has been disconnected and is no longer in service. Please hang up and try again and go fuck yourself.

Like, I'm telling you, man, like I would to get, and then you've got to get someone on the line. You got like, this lady here was perfect. She hung in there. Did she think it was. real, I think so. But she didn't crack. She just went along.

So that's the other thing. When you do a prank phone call, you've got to find your mark. You're going to find someone that plays along. You've got to find someone that doesn't hang up on you. You've got to find, you know. And so that one there, I mean, we did a lot over the years, but that one there would just, you know, was so smooth and fun and easy. And the girl was great.

The topic was silly. And so you're probably wondering, well, why didn't you do more of those? I mean, they were a lot of work. You almost have to put like a few hours aside. And it's kind of, it sounds stupid, but it's exhausting. You just keep dialing numbers, dialing. And then you got to, you know, and then you don't know what's going to happen. And then you got to hope the call goes well.

Just because you get someone on doesn't mean you're going to get comedy gold. They might not play along or I might be off my game. I might not be shooting on all cylinders. it might not come off as funny, you know, blah, blah, blah. So all these things we kind of take for granted, there's a lot of work that goes into every moment of these things, you know? And a big, a popular character was Barbecue Eddie. And Barbecue Eddie was a guy, you know, as you know, he was a guy that, you know,

I did the voice of. He was calling for barbecues. and he was the guy that I, you know, he was the only guy that I wanted people to hang up on me. But, you know, it could take me two hours just to get like one or two good calls. Because a lot of times people did, if I finally got through to someone, first you got to get them at home, then you got to get them convinced that you really want to barbecue,

then, you know, and then a lot of times they'd hang up before you could even get started. And oh, my God. So don't kid yourself that crank calls are just easy. You just pick up the phone and go, hey, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, that's hilarious. Like, there are so many elements that have to fall into place to get a cohesive and well-crafted prank phone call.

And that one was great. And again, my Asian friends, you know we're just poking fun. Relax. Believe me, I went to an all-boys boarding school. I know that all Asian men do not have small weaners. It's all over the place. I used to have to shower with like 40 boys at a time at all boys boarding school. Yeah, thanks, Dad.

Thanks a lot, Dad. So I've seen every size, every culture, every race. I've seen, why am I talking about men's penises? But I've seen white guys with huge hogs. I've seen black guys with huge hogs. I've seen Asian guys with huge dogs. I've seen white guys with teeny tiny. It runs the gamut.

Just to ask any girl. Ask your local neighborhood, slutty girl, and she'll tell you the same thing. So it's all just in jest, my friends. Ah. Hello? Hello? Alan.

Hey. I need you to get up to the top floor. I heard something's going on with the plot blast, and I'm sick about it. I mean, I know I told my secretary to give you the finger every time you walked in, but, oh, my God, I didn't know you'd actually leave us. Oh, Holland, oh, you provided the company with just loads and loads of just music and loveliness and plodplastin, whatever you got going on there. It's just lovely. And you know what, I'm telling you, if you ever want to come back, okay, okay, I'll give you a little bit of her promotion, but that's about it.

So, I know you're going to hang out at your funny little boss when you leave here. I bet what are you going to get on to the old slokie-pokey, huh, or the old retirement fireman brigade? But anyway, Holland, it was lovely having you here, and I'm sorry we got a little on the wrong hand of each other, but if you can forgive me, just know that we loved you here, buddy, and, you know, you're welcome here any time you want. Just, you know, stay away from the top office if you can, because I got, you know, top talent there. So, anyway, love you, Holland. Chicken chalman, baby. Love you too, man. And see, that's what I mean.

That's the beauty of creating these characters is that they resonate with people. People find an affection for a certain character for some reason. Over the years, many people have called in and done impressions of some of the characters. And there was even a group, I think it was in Kansas City. And I don't know if you guys are still listening, but I always appreciated this so much at my stand-up show.

What would happen is there was a small group of people in Kansas who would come to my stand-up shows dressed as the characters from my show, from the podcast. There was a guy that would come as Mr. Featherstone, another guy would come as Dr. Ascott, Debbie Timer. I mean, it was hilarious. They'd wear little, they'd dress up, they'd kind of dress up the way they envisioned the characters,

look. They'd do their hair, their makeup, everything. And then they'd wear those little tags, hello, my name is. And it would say Dr. Ascot and Mr. Featherstone. And, oh, my God, it blew me away. I almost didn't know what to say. I was so taken aback and flattered and honored and just, more than anything, just incredibly amused. And it tickled my soul to know that the characters resonated so much with these people that they were, they were trying to bring them to life, make them real, and having fun with them, entertaining themselves with these characters. And it was just, so whoever you guys are, I don't remember all your names, but if you're still listening, I know you did it more than once.

And I just want you to know that that always stayed with me, that always lingered, and it always just lit me up, man. I just thought that was the very best. So thank you for your efforts. I don't want you to think that they didn't go unnoticed and were not appreciated. They really, really were something special. And thank you again. I will always remember bumping into my characters in real life and being, like, shocked. I'm like, oh, my God, there's a real Mr. Featherstone.

Oh, beautiful. Hey, there. Wow. Saw your show this past Friday at the improv in Miami, Doreau, where 12th Avenue crosses 18th. You know all that. I'm the art teacher that you just kept picking on, man. What a great show, man. Outstanding.

So freaking good. My girlfriend had never seen you live, and she absolutely loves it. Thanks. Thank you so much. Ah, yes, the art teacher in Miami. I was just in Miami last weekend doing stand-up comedy. What a great outing. That's another element of the podcast.

I hope you guys enjoyed. I always tried to share little clips of my stand-up. comedy with you guys just so you can kind of, you know, hear what I was doing and hear hear the other side of one of the things that I do with my life. But Miami was great. This art teacher guy was great right in the front row, tattoos, beautiful girlfriend. We went back and forth. I had a good exchange in Miami with one gentleman.

I was asking people about their relationships and everything. And I asked this one guy, I go, oh, you have a beautiful lady. Is that your girlfriend? And he goes, yep, she's mine. And I go, oh, well, where'd you meet her? And he goes at a strip club. And then I said, well, she's not really yours. She belongs to all of us, really.

And that got a big laugh. But then when they were leaving, I saw them get into a little bit of a verbal confrontation. And I thought, oh, my God, I hope I didn't. I hope I didn't cause him to get into trouble, but, you know, I don't know if he really did meet her at a strip joint or if that was just a joke, but be careful. Be careful making the jokes about your ladies. But anyways, it was a fun exchange, and I'm glad you had a good time, sir, and I'm going to miss telling you guys about my stand-up dates, but don't forget, you can always find my stand-up comedy dates at Harlan Williams. on my website. Another element of the show, which I didn't do a lot.

I didn't do a lot, but I'd say maybe 5%, maybe 8% of the show every now and then. I would dip into political stuff, or I'd get a little more serious and offer up my thoughts and ideas on things going on in society or politics or social change or whatever's happening. I didn't like to do that a lot because it's, I just found, you know, there's so much of that out there. And I thought that this podcast was a great escape from all that. But I did like engaging with that now and then.

And I got mixed results. There were people that were like, oh, my God, Harlan, you're so insightful. And what a great way to put it. And then other people that were just like, you're an idiot, you're a loser. You don't know anything. I'm never listening to your podcast again. And sadly, I think those people were. missing my point because I never tried to preach to people as to how to think or what to

think, but I would merely offer up my perception of things for you to digest and you had the right to say, yay or nay. But I think some people took it the wrong way and thought that I was always trying to tell people what to think or whatnot, but that's on them. That's not on me. That was never my agenda because I wouldn't want that done to me, and I have no plan to do that to anyone else. But I do like offering up ideas and commentary. And so sometimes it got a little, you know, more serious. And so just in keeping with the end of the podcast here, why don't we take, Raj, why don't we take that one call where maybe it dips into the serious and we'll give a little flavor of that before we we close.

Play it, Rod. Hey, man. We got a lot of mass shootings going on. And I remember back in the day, I used to listen to you, and you were blaming it all on Obama, saying he was weak, and we needed somebody

tough in there to stop all this. Now we got a tough guy, and the murder continues. So what's the deal with that, Harland? Please tell us. All right. I'm going to tell you. I'm going to tell you my thoughts. not going to tell you what's right or what's wrong, but I can tell, and I could be wrong,

but I'm just going to say this, the tone of your voice, the tone of your call, you know, you say it's about the mass shootings, but in today's political climate, I almost feel like the mass shootings isn't what you want to talk about. You're more challenging me on, well, Obama and whoever the president is now. It seems like, that's more of what you're looking to get into, but, you know, it shouldn't be like that. It should be about the mass shootings. And so, fortunately, you're going to get a chance to see, and I've always said it, I'm neither Republican or Democrat.

I'm just a guy who likes results. If you're Barack Obama and you get results, I love you. If you're Hillary Clinton, you get results, I love you. If you're Donald Trump and you get results, I love you. If you're George Bush and get results, I just want results. I want effective people that get stuff done because political party stuff is just all emotional. It's all emotional and it uses up time and energy.

You know, when you have a guy come and fix your house, let's see you've got a leaky toilet. Do you want the guy to walk into your bathroom, get on his knees, and start fixing the toilet? Or do you want to stand there and hear him complain and talk about his union dues and talk about how his truck's not, working and talk about how he's fighting with his wife and talk about he he doesn't think

you know communist countries should be punished and this you know just get get to work and get results okay that's all i want from any politician i don't care about all that emotional crap that's slowing everything down all the fighting and posturing and positioning so you're going to be happy with this answer my friend and i do thank you for your calls i said earlier, I don't mind this kind of stuff. Trump isn't a tough guy. I blamed Obama, and guess what? I'm putting 100% equal blame

on Trump. Now, I'm not blaming either of them for the killings or the shootings or the demented actions of a psycho. That's on them. But what I'm putting on Obama, and I'm putting the exact same stuff on Donald Trump, my friend. Hear that. The exact same stuff. The tough guy, as you said.

I'm putting all of it on them that none of them are changing laws, fixing laws, fixing things, doing anything to get things done. Do you remember after 9-11 when they flew the planes into the building? Remember, the guys had to break into the cockpit? What they do, two weeks later, every year. single freaking plane in America had a impenetrable door. They came up with the solution in two weeks. They figured it out.

They manufactured it. They implemented it. And now you probably couldn't get through one of those doors if you were a charging rhino. Case solved. Violence ended like, just like that. and you know that could be done with what we're doing now, with the guns and the shootings and the killings.

Now, can you stop at all? No, can you stop every hijacker? Could some guy, you know, maybe sneak into a plane with a blow torch and blow the door? Yeah, there's always going to be anomalies. There's always going to be people that get through. But they found the solution, and there hasn't been any, but he flying a plane into a building since. Okay?

So with all these school shootings, with all these random shootings, with all these guns, obviously something's not working. But nobody's sitting down and coming up with practical solutions. Nobody's putting safety doors in high schools. Nobody's putting barriers in malls. Nobody's, you know, it's just keeps going and going and people talk and this and that. an NRA and Second Amendment and we've got to have guns

and you're not allowed to take our guns and we're entitled to guns and why aren't we taking the guns and it's all just questions and emotion and talk and there's nothing being done and so all the disdain and all the blame and all the disappointment that I threw on Obama all those years ago, my friend,

guess what? I'm transferring it 100% to the tough guy Because Obama didn't get results The tough guy's not getting results I don't know if anyone's ever going to get results But I'm telling you man There are answers out there There are things that could be done

To slow this down To maybe stop it To lessen it for sure But ain't nothing happening It's just talk and talk and talk and, you know, I mean, there's been so many shootings, like those two shootings the last weekend made me almost totally forget about the shooting the weekend before

at the garlic festival in California. Some guy went in and shot up a garlic festival. Okay? And that was just forgotten the next weekend when two more places were shot up. And remember Vegas, where I think 63 people were shot up? How quickly did that go away? It's all just going away.

It's coming and going. And sadly, and this is no disrespect to the deceased, it's almost like a news forecast. Well, tomorrow it's going to be rainy in Columbus, Ohio, with scattered showers. And then Thursday, the winds will subside, but there's a cold front coming down from the north. And then it should clear up by Friday. And then next week, it's a whole new ball game. That's what these shootings have become, man. They've just become throwaway news items.

And it's horrific, it's sad, it's depressing. And who else can we blame, right? Who else? You know, the country essentially is run by a government that's supposed to protect and is supposed to implement laws and is supposed to do things to make society a civil. and safe place for people to prosper and raise their family and not live in fear. And it's scary, man.

So there you go, buddy. I hope you're happy. I hope you now see that I'm not just a political guy and I'm looking to point people out and I'm a party guy. I'm not. I want results. If Obama had done things to help make this stop, I would be heaping the praise. If Trump can do it while he's still in office, I'll heap the praise.

If the next president is a Democrat, if it's Kamala Harris, or if it's Bernie Sanders, Sanders, I'll give the praise where the praise is to get me results. I'm mystified why other people don't think like that, but that's their prerogative, and God bless you. But sadly, it's really affecting society. I'm not joking anymore when I say this, gang. Okay, I'm not even kidding. When I go into a large department store, when I go to a movie theater,

when I go to a restaurant or an airport now, guess what I do? It's not an afterthought. It's not, oh, I should have. When I go in, I look around. I scope the place out. Can you believe it? I have to do recon at a cheesecake factory. Like, what is going on, man?

So am I mad at the tough guy? Yeah, I'm mad at all of them. We're smart. We're going to Mars. We're going to the moon. This can be solved if we want to solve it, but they don't want to. And so we're just going to keep living with the bodies piling up. and people are getting more and more paranoid.

There was a story just this week in New York City in Times Square, a truck or a motorcycle backfired. You know what that is when a muffler backs up and it makes a loud popping sound? A freaking vehicle backfired and went, and people went running and screaming for their lives. And that's the dilemma. That's the mindset we're in

in this so-called civilized society we live in. That's the mindset of everyday citizens. And I'm not walking into places to being dramatic. I'm telling you I walk into a mall to be Mr. Dramatic. I'm literally doing it as a precaution. I want to stay alive. I now realize that this should happen. I landed at the Orlando airport two weeks ago to go do a show.

And as I'm walking to the rental car, I thought in my head I went, oh yeah, it was about a year ago when a guy walked through here with a high caliber rifle through the luggage claim area and just started shooting people randomly and took out like 14 or 6 or whatever. And here I am walking on the sacred ground of the nutty fucking shooter. So this isn't just me being dramatic. This is real, man. And this is, this is not just me. This is other people. So buddy who made the phone call, you didn't leave your name. Let's not make it about politics and this party and that party.

You should be mad at Obama, my friend. You should be mad at the tough guy, as you call them? Because I'm mad at all of them, still, both. And whoever's next, if they don't get it done, and they all get up there and talk about it. And they're all in passion, and their eyes are watering, and they're pounding the podium, and this has to end, and then they get elected, and they do fuck all.

And will they do fuck all old ladies and fathers and babies and children and mothers, and concert goers and shoppers and carnival and festival people are going to just start piling up and the blood's going to drip down into the street and form a river along the curb and it's disgusting.

So for you, my friend, thank you for the call. And if I'm wrong about interpreting the tone of your call, forgive me. But if the tone of your call was kind of baiting, with, oh, let's see who Harlan supports politics.

I would recommend that you get that out of your wheelhouse and stop focusing on parties and your dedication and loyalty to a party and start pointing all your loyalty and dedication towards your fellow citizens and saying, I want results. Who the fuck?

going to get them for me because a party is just a name it's like a logo on your fucking underpants or on the breast of your shirt it don't mean jack it's just surface find someone who gets results and on that area none of them have so I hope you like that answer but see that's why I like those kind of calls because you get a little fired up you talk about it and the reason I popped this in on the last podcast because a this gentleman just called and it was timely and again thank you for your call I hope you're concerned about the shooting too I'm a I'm not assuming you're not I know you are of course you are but just you know for all of us let's not make it about parties and politics and leaders

let's make it about whoever can get it done but anyways that this was a little part of this podcast. And so I think it's fitting that as this is the final one, we drop in a final little commentary. And my friend Brian earlier said that, and I found it interesting that he, you know, summed up my podcast with the word caring. That shocked me a little bit. But maybe I do have a lot of caring in me. And the reason why I get impassioned with these kind of responses is because I do care. I don't care about politicians and who wins and who's got the power. I care about those children and those

innocent people that are crumpling to the ground with seven bullet holes that just ripped through their bodies. And they were there to take their kids on a ride on a merry-go-round and now they're laying on the grass with half their skull

blown off and their fucking eye hanging on their cheek and their kids standing, they're splattered in brain. Because some fucking asshole decided to light the place up. So I don't get time for parties and politicians. I got time for results.

That's all I want. Get me some fucking results. All right. What? Oh, no. Really? Okay, this is good. Aunt Ruthie? She left a message?

You know what? Because she knew about this. She knew this was the last. podcast. Okay. Let's, I think this is fitting. Folks, for those of you that don't know, my Aunt Ruthie, uh, she loves me. She lives up in Rochester, New York, where I'm going to be doing stand-up comedy, by the way. I should, I should put a little plug in. I wonder if I haven't told Aunt Ruthie that yet. She's probably going to want to come out to the show. I'll be in Rochester, New York, uh, September 12th through the 14th coming up.

So hopefully you can come out and see me in Aunt Ruthie country. But anyways, Ruthie's followed my career, the podcast she calls in. I never seem to get her, but she leaves messages, long-winded messages on my answering machine. Roger, let's play it. I'm always delighted to hear from Aunt Ruthie and Uncle Harry, even though they're a bit old. They're getting up there. They're a little bit crazy. But let's play it.

My Aunt Ruthie from Rochester, New York. Play it, Roj. Hello. Hello, Angel, is that you? Is somebody answering the phone? I'm not, oh, my God. Hello, Angel, it's your aunt Ruthie calling from Rochester, New York. How are you, Angel, pie?

Oh, my goodness, we miss you so much. I hope you're having a good time down there in Hollywood, making your movies and your televisions and modeling and what's not and so forth. We're having a real heat blaster up here in Rochester this summer. Oh, my God. I mean, the streets are sizzling. I mean, it's so hot up here.

You could fry a teradacto egg on somebody's forehead, for Christ's sake. I mean, you know, you walk down the street, and there's heat vapors coming up, and it looks like, where the hell am I? Am I walking on the sun or the planet? that the, you know, Uranus is something for Christ's sake? I mean, how does it get this heart for Christ's sake? You know, they say that they got the global warming, that the whole world's heating up, Angel.

And, you know, I mean, how does that happen? I mean, with somebody, you know, to come along and stuff the planet in a Walmart sleeping bag and zip it up for Christ's sake and pour tobacco sauce inside, I mean, I don't know how all the sciences were you know the galaxies but I can tell you this

angel your poor Uncle Harry is suffering like a you know like a wounded dog with his back leg bent up into a into a T-bone steak or whatever I mean your uncle Harry's got the you know in the summertime

he gets these god-forsaken allergies oh my goodness I mean I don't know if the ragweed or the golden rod or the the maple trees or whatever have been, you know, fucking all night, but there's more pollen in the air than there is, you know, diabetes cells all over the clinic down at the diabetes center, for Christ's sake. I mean, it is harder than, you know, the inside of Rebel Wilson's underpants, for God's sake,

and then, you know, there's pollen floating around, like, you know, suddenly we're on a bad episode of Star Trek, and Sparks got fungus in his fucking point he can't open her ears for Christ's sake. I mean, your poor uncle Harry, I mean, you're good. Christ, he's all puffed up. He looks like, you know, he looks like one of those things of cotton candy. You see the snotty-nosed little brats down at Coney Island carrying around. I mean, Harry looks like a big bundle of cotton candy. He's all puffed up, He looks like, you know, he looks like he's got like saliva gland wards or something, for Christ's sake. I mean, I wake up in the morning, and I thought, who left the window open?

There's a cloud in my bed. This puffy fucking man is beside me. You know, I feel like, did I just spend the night with the elephant man, for Christ's sake? I mean, this guy looks like as someone, you know, put a choppe in the oven and had them puff up at 450 degrees. I mean, Harry's, his eyes are so baggy. He looks like somebody punched a hornet nest in the asshole, for Christ's sake. It's just horrible angel. And, you know, he gets all sniffly and snoppily, and his nasals get all plugged up,

and suddenly I can't understand what he's saying. I mean, let me put him on the phone, and you can see if he is a... Harry! Harry, come and say hello to your nephew. Hang on a second. I mean, hang on. Come and say hello. Yeah, it's crawling down in the Hollywood.

Yeah, hang on, Angel. You're your uncle, Harry. Good luck understanding this fucking Chinese menu. Here he is. Hello. Harry, take the phone. Here you go. Oh, Jesus Christ, Carol.

re-articulate. Give me that phone. Jesus Christ, it sounds like you're talking to an elephant farting in a hurricane. Christ and crackle crunch. I mean, can you believe the phlegm coming off of this freak? It's like a, you know, if you had a sprinkler on your lawn, hooked up to a walrus's fucking anal glands, it's just like, And just mucus flying everywhere and spray, and, you know, his eyes are leaking yellow liquid.

I mean, it looks like, you know, somebody date-raped Koojo and called him Uncle Harry, for Christ's sake. I mean, it's just a nightmare, angel. So we got the global warming heat cooking the streets. I mean, Harry went out on the street yesterday with his loafers, and the souls came off, and some birds flew down and got stuck to them. It looked like a fucking loaferoblet on the middle of the road, for God's sakes. And, you know, Harry's got the allergies. His nose is running.

I mean, you know, I slipped on a puddle in the middle of the living room yesterday. I thought the roof was leaking, and it was Harry fell asleep on the couch, and his nose started leaking. Like, you know, as if, you know, Crystal Gale had a fucking adult diaper blow up in a face, you know. just ridiculous. So we're struggling along, Angel. We're trying to get through the summer. And, you know, Harry's going to be okay, I hope, as it starts to cool off in September.

But until then, I've got to... Hang on. Harry wants to say something. Okay, Harry. Hang on, Angel. Here's Harry again. Give me that God damn Jesus Harry

You sound like a baboon Getting gang raped In the basement of fucking Charlie Sheen for Christ's sake Good This is what I'm dealing with, Angel It sounds like somebody You know

To turn the car radio on and couldn't find a fucking station in the middle of the desert, for Christ's sake. I mean, can you believe I got to lay beside this at night? I mean, that sounds like people screaming in a fire or something, for Christ's sake.

I feel like I'm having a Vietnam flashback in my bed. I hear all these noises, and I wake up and there's hairy drooling and there's bubbles coming out of his nose. I'm like I'm laying beside a fish tank at the dentist's office, for Christ's sake. Good God, Angel.

If you have any antisstamine pills or anything like that, you can get rid of. Send them on up to Rochester, okay? Oh, my gosh. The summer is so fun. And speaking of the summer, Angel, do you remember the time when you were sent down here for the week? Would you remember when we went down to the boardwalk and you stayed with me and Uncle Harry and we took you down to the boardwalk? and we got you an ice cream

and we turned around and there was a couple of dogs having sexual intercourse and you didn't know what it was and you said Aunt Ruthie why is that one dog on the other dog's back

and I said well they're just playing and then Uncle Harry said no they're having the fuck of the lifetime and I was like oh Jesus Harry and you were like what does that mean Aunt Ruthie

what does fuck of a lifetime mean and I'm like they're just playing don't listen to of Uncle Harry. And then Uncle Harry grabbed me and started humping me and you were screaming

and I'm like, Harry, get the hell off of me. We're in about a boardwalk for fuck's sake. You know, and he's humping me right to my draughts. It's just unbelievable. But anyways, Angel, I'm drooling on. I should probably let you go. You've probably got a million things to do, your sweet little angel

and your little feck of face. So, we love you so much, Angel, and we hope we see you soon. And Harry, I hate to do that. Harry, do you want to say goodbye to our little angel? Hang on, Harry wants to say goodbye, love bug. Here he is. Harry, take the phone. Harry Christ on a fucking oatmeal basket.

What the... I'm sorry, Angel. Your Uncle Harry's allergies are just like threepies on top of a battered fucking twat lip. I'm just unbelievable. Well, we better let you go, honey buns. Phone me when you get the chance, okay? Have a great summer, and me and Uncle Harry love you.

You're our favorite. We'll see you soon. Okay, come visit us up here in Rochester. Goodbye, Angel Bunz, and Uffi loves you. Bye, baby. Harry, get the hell away from the refrigerator. You're getting mucus on the cold cuts. Good cry, how much? Oh, my God. What are we going to do without Ruthie checking in? The poor uncle Harry, God, he sounded miserable. Yikes.

Oh, my God. Oh, let's, Raj, let's clear the air here. Let's do another phone call. My goodness. Hello. Hello. Harland, I couldn't go without telling you this is your buddy balls. I'm still having a hard time accepting that you're ending the old highway buddy, but I have to tell you,

I would need 7 million dump trucks to load up all the thanks that I possibly would have to give you for all the happy and plenty times as you brought us over all this time. You've got me through the darkest periods of my life with your podcast, and you've made the happiest parts of my life even happier with your comedy. And you are such an amazing person. You are the most endearing man I ever met. You love your fans, and you go above and beyond the call of duty. and I'm trying to not get all shaky voice, but I just wanted to thank you, man. Thank you, brother, for all the last and all the good times

that you brought us fans. And I just, I can't thank you. You've really, really touched me and all the pavement pounders. And I love you, man. I wish you the best in everything you do. This is Balls, signing off. Oh, balls. And that's it right there.

That's what it was all about. Just, like I said, making somebody happen. Maybe helping them through some dark times, making life a little easier, taking the edge off. And boy, oh boy, Balls has been such a big fan of the show and of my comedy. Whenever I'm in Pittsburgh, he always comes out and supports. And he was one of the early pavement pounders that caught onto this podcast and started listening. And I'll never forget, I only did one live broadcast. I think it was for the 100th episode or something like that.

I did the one and only live broadcast of the Harland Highway. And we actually had an open phone line where people could call in. And Balls was our very first caller. So he's got the record for that for calling into the Harlan Highway. And we got to talk live on the air. And Balls, thank you so much. You've been there for me. And it's just been great having your support and knowing that you're enjoying what I'm doing.

And it was an honor to be on your podcast. Balls has a great podcast about horror movies and horror theme topics. And check that podcast out as well. And just thank you so much for the heartfelt goodbye. And, you know, stay tuned, buddy. There'll be other cool things coming down the pipe. I promise. I've got more laughter for you up my sleeve, so don't think I'm leaving you behind with

the giggles. It'll just be in a different forum. But the stuff I'm working on now, I'll be honest, it's making me laugh more than the podcast, okay? That's just going to give you a hint. Okay, the podcast, it made me laugh. I love doing it, and half the reason I did it was to make myself laugh. but I'll be honest, and I'm not going to give you much information, but the new project I'm working on is making me laugh more than this even, which is a great sign for me. Now, will other people love it? I don't know, but I'm literally on airplanes.

I'm walking down the street. I'm in the mall. And when I think about the project I'm working on now, I start laughing out loud. Just like, as I'm walking, I start laughing. It's so ridiculous. So I'm hoping the laughter translates to all you guys, and I can't wait to tell you about it,

and that's another reason to keep this channel open because I will be dropping announcements on the new project when it comes up. And if you don't want to keep this channel open, then you can join my social media. It's at Harlan Williams on Twitter, and at Harland Williams on Instagram and, you know, I have a Facebook page. I don't use it much.

I don't understand Facebook. It's too complicated, but when the time comes, I will be announcing the new project. And, man, it is twisted and funny and bizarre and weird. And, oh, my God, I am, oh, I can't wait to show it to you guys. So hang on there, balls. There's more laughs to come. Again, thank you for that beautiful and emotional and heartfelt goodbye.

Choked me up inside. And I love the passion, buddy. And good luck with your podcast. And let's hit another call, Raj. Hey, Harlan. This is Rich again from California, especially out in Fort Huachuca, Arizona. Give me back to my country that I love the most living the life in the military right now. But this is just my lot tour on to you.

You know, the good times that, you know, listening to you, following you, like, it's just been great. I consider, you know, I grew as a fan, but I feel like more, you know, I'm close to it as a friend to you. Just riding down that long road for about a good 10 plus years. And, you know, I have a mission coming up where I'll be going overseas for about, you know, half a year. And I'm taking the Harlan Highway with me. You know, I will start from episode one and work my way all the way up again. Because you do bring me joy last year and everything else. Some days could be tough out here.

I can say you that. But your comedy is golden. I've seen you live, Periscopes, Instagram, you name it. You know, all the shows, Irvine, California, all that good stuff, rocking the T-shirt, buying merchandise. You know, just have a hell of a lot of respect for your craft, for your knowledge, your materials, just everything. You're an all-around really off to do. So, yeah, man, it's been a hell of a ride, but I'll keep falling. You know, you just keep going, man.

You got a lot of good spirit in you. You know, we all get older on Helen in 36, and, you know, I feel a little bit, but the joy of life just becomes more and more that much great as we get older. So keep up the good experience, man. Hang in there, and always, chicken, tell me, you know, baby. Thank you, Rich. What a great call, and what a great, what a great line, you know, giving my life for my country. country. Wow.

Giving back to my country that I love the most. Isn't that great to hear? What an amazing line. I mean, I'm just, boy, that just moves me, man. You know, when you think of people like Rich and the brave and wonderful and giving people of the military, it's just really, it's really an honor to hear from you. it's just really moving to hear that you have that dedication and that love and that spirit for not only your country, but when you say your country, you're really giving to all of us.

You know, the country is just a word, it's just a word in our vocabulary. But what's in the country are living things, people, us. And so when you say your country, you're really, you're really, Dedicating your life to serving the people and protecting them and guarding their liberty. And it's just so amazing. And that's what makes you guys the heroes. And to know that, you know, I can add to your experience to a degree. And I can only imagine how tough it is in the theater of war and, you know,

dealing with the aspects of war, which can often be violent. and around death and damage and, you know, maiming and people get hurt, but that's just the way war and human fighting is. And so, you know, to know that maybe I can help ease that pain a little and add some laughter in an area where you might be surrounded by darkness at times, it makes me happy that I can contribute in a way nowhere near, what you're contributing, but at least making your life a little more joyous. And it's just nice to hear a guy say something like that in the world that we live in now,

where I find very often the military is vilified, the police are vilified, they're throwing water on policemen, people are walking up to policemen in the street and throwing water on them. people are kneeling during the American flag people are turning their back on the anthem people are disrespecting the flag and you know that isn't to say that people have worthy causes but I think there's better ways to show it man

and you may think differently but I'll tell you what I feel like to be in this country is an honor and to to have a flag that represents freedom and liberty and helping the world try to be a better place. And yes, there's always, every culture, every country has its stains, has its marks, but it doesn't mean it's a bad and unworthy place to be.

And, you know, it's just, it's really nice to hear. someone being so patriotic and using those words and literally, you know, using their life to serve their country that they love. So good for you, Rich. Thank you, man. And enjoy the podcast. I'm amazing you've listened to it from the very first episode. That's so incredible. And yeah, if you take it with you and you have all the archives, oh my God, think about that. If you have episodes 1 through 1,000 archived, that's literally like, I don't know how many hours of entertainment that is. But imagine going to a movie for two hours and then imagine listening to the Harland Highway for, it would probably take you like, I don't know, five days or 10 days to listen to all of them. Like it's a lot of stuff.

We laid down a lot of comedy over the years. So I hope you enjoy going back and listening. Be safe out there. Thank you for what you do. And to all the guys and gals in the military, thank you so much. You guys are brave warriors and heroes. And God bless you. Yes.

Oh, my God. Thank you for the call. Dude, you got a tattoo. So do you do it? No. Oh. Dude, what does my tattoo say? Sweet.

What about mine? Dude, what does mine say? Sweet. What about mine? Dude, what does mine say? Sweet. What about mine? Dude, what does mine say?

Sweet. What about mine? Dude, what does mine say? Sweet. What about mine? Dude, what does mine say? Sweet. What about mine?

Dude. What does mine say? Sweet! You! Idiots! No, bakwai, only come to Jamo Shinger. Your tattoo says, dude. Your tattoo says sweet.

Got it? We got it. And on the word sweet, it's time to say sweet goodbye, everybody. Oh, sad. Sad, sad, sad, but fun, fun, fun. I just want to say, before we close it all up, thank you everybody thank you all the pavement bounders thank you for those of you that

supported the show thank you for listening thank you for those that were there from episode one thank you for those that were there for only a few maybe even one episode whoever listened who ever put their ears on on the podcast thank you thank you thank you and whatever part of the world you may be in overseas in europe or china or finland or England or Australia. That's the real beauty of this podcast, too. It's the fact that this goes out to the whole planet. You know, I sit in my little studio and record by myself

and all the characters in my head. And these words get projected out to a whole living planet of 7 billion people. So for those of you who did jump on board and listen, Thank you. I hope you got something out of it. An idea, a thought, a laugh, a giggle, a smile, a tear, whatever. The whole reason for doing this was to elicit some type of emotional response.

Whatever that form it manifested in, so be it. But I hope it was a good experience. Great experience for me. You know, I wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't for all you people out there. there um and uh you know what's great about comedies it touches everyone doesn't matter what race what ethnicity what what anything it's just this thing is for absolutely if you if you got a heartbeat and you got ears and you're alive this is for you so to everybody thank you so much god bless you all and uh it's been a real honor and a pleasure and i look forward to

bringing you more laughs with future endeavors and I will keep you posted okay so thank you everybody and uh let's close it out with one final thing before we do that my very final thank you for being here chicken chalmaine baby wait that that was a bit too down we don't We want to end with, hey, thanks for being here, everybody. And remember, chicken chal mane, baby. Hello. Hello. Garland Bob Prev, I have a message for you.

So, there's something that has been on my mind. And I can't know what it even is. What's the thing on my mind, Parland? Would you mind telling me what happens to be the itching point, the scratch you cannot get in my mind? Where does that derive from? I love you. I love everyone else. Peace of Moa, Diggi.

It's an easy answer, man. it's the final the final thing that's on everybody's mind who's been listening to this podcast for 10 years the thing that's on your mind on my mind on everybody's mind will

barbecue Eddie ever find himself a barbecue this is Eddie he wants to part party, but they just hang up. Hello.

Uh, hey, how's it going, man? Hello? Uh, hey, uh, it's, uh, Eddie calling. Oh. Uh, Eddie? Hello, Eddie. Uh, I was, uh, call it to see a thing you wanted to, uh, uh, have a... What the...

A barbecue? Who the hell is this? Uh, it's, uh, Eddie. Eddie, from where? I got your number from the, uh, barbecue club. So, what the hell are you talking? Are you retarded? I've wondered if maybe wanted to glaze up some, uh, power baby back ribs, and, uh, maybe, uh, turkey shines some, uh, some shrimp poppers and stuff. Well, shit pop, what?

Uh, maybe we could, uh, power slam some hide-atants. But, you know, double-power blast some Budwisers and what have you. All right. What the hell is wrong with you? You got a helmet on? Uh, I got some Tariaki chicken, too. If you want to try that, I could powerglazed that and dry rub some pork roast. Listen, kid, I've got a lot of work to know.

Who the hell gave you this number? I got it from the barbecue What I'm not What the hell are you talking about I just went off a barbecue I got carbs of corn And we could double butter

And roll the entire pepper Wait a barbecue Yeah I was wondering if you wanted to Get together Wait me and you Oh yeah Just You know light up the queue

and have a little fun. Yeah, um, hold on a second. Let me close the door. I'm in my office here. Hang on. Oh, okay. That's...

What did you say your name was? Uh, it's Eddie? Right. Um, listen, uh, yeah. I'm, I could do a barbecue. Oh, oh, really? Yeah, um, just me and you, right? Uh, yeah.

Well, yeah, I would, like, that, as long as it's a barbecue. Yeah. Uh, listen, um, do you know the downtown area at all? Uh, I guess so. I could figure it out, I guess. Okay, there's a place downtown at 45th and 9th. Uh, 45th of the 9th. Let me just drop that down. It's a funny little bar. Uh, a funny little bar, sir?

Yeah, it's called the, uh, the burnt, write this down. Okay. The burnt... The burnt sea urchin hall. The burnt sea urchin hall. Oh, okay. Do they have... Did they have barbecue?

Um, well, they, uh... It could have, like, meat? Do they got lots of meat? Oh, there's going to be meat all right. Oh, okay. Maybe we could, uh, glaze up some fresh beef? Oh, you can glaze up some fresh beef all night if you want, Eddie.

Oh, that sounds great. How about a great big cobb corn? Oh, I got a great big calvicorn for you, too, Eddie. Great, can we put lots of butter on it? Oh, yeah. We're going to butter it up real nice, Eddie. Wow, this sounds excellent, so, uh, what time? Why don't we do it tonight?

You know, late when everyone's kind of around midnight, happy hour. Um, that seems a little peculiar. Yeah, well, you want to, you want to barbecue or not, Eddie? Um, okay. Yeah, let's do it. And what's your name? Uh, Teddy. What's your name?

Uh, Mr. Featherstone, uh, just call me, uh, Max. Call me Max, uh, just Max. Oh, okay, Max. Uh, I'll see if the dirty chocolate. Searton Hall? Yeah, he's 49th and 16th, downtown. The funny little bar, right? Yeah.

I plan to bring it over a night bag. What? Yeah, I'll see you there. Okay, sounds great. Thanks so much. Okay, Eddie. Thanks, Max. Oh, I finally got a barbecue.

What a lucky day, or night. I better go buy my meat to my corn. Yay! Eddie finally got a barbecue. Yay! Stop talking to yourself. Hang up and get moving, idiot. That was Eddie.

He wants to party. But they just hang up. Thank you. Thank you.