The Harland Highway - 100th EPISODE with SNL star KEVIN NEALON!!!

Episode Date: March 19, 2024

Our 100th EPISODE with SNL star KEVIN NEALON - showbiz stories and an open wound as he bleeds on this enchanting episode! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, everybody. Welcome to the 100th episode of the Harland Highway podcast and so excited to have you here. Thanks for being part of it. And catch me in Salt Lake City, Utah and Wise Guys. This March 29th and 30th, get tickets at Harlandwilliams.com. And then look out, Toronto. Daddy's coming home. That's right. I'm going to be. back in my hometown of Toronto, Ontario. That's where it all started for me, doing stand-up at the Royal Theater, April 12th, 7 p.m. show and 10 p.m. show. So, so cool to be coming back where it all started for me. So the Royal Theater, April 12th, 7 and 10 p.m., one night only. Get your tickets, gang.

They're going fast and want you to come out and have some laughs. So see you there. And please enjoy the 100th episode of the Harland Highway podcast with one of our favorite funny guests, Kevin Neillan from Saturday Night Live. Here we go. Are you picking something? There's a little wound.

Oh, you're bleeding. Do you want a tampon? I already have one of those on. I need something for this. You're riding down the Harland Highway. Hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Hardland Williams. With Matt LeBlanc and a year and a half to get him.

And then I'm going and I had my GoPro on time lapse. Come on. So I didn't even video. Ten minutes I had of it. Oh, no. And would he do it again? He never knew because I doctored it. I put like paparazzi.

pictures and stuff and drone shots, you know. Use 10 minutes of Matt LeBlanc and, wow. So you're not really a tech guy then? I'm becoming a tech guy. I think you need to be a tech guy or gal in this world. You're thinking of becoming a gal? A tech gal. Like a trans tech?

No, but technically a gal. You want to technically become a gal. Technically, I'll become a gal. No way. Well, there is a way. How? Technically? Yeah.

You have a guy come up, IT guy. And turn you into a gal? Well, technically, yeah. What about turning into gal Godot? Would you do that? I'd probably date myself if I got turned into Gal Gadot. Like, if I was going to transition, I think I'd become a gal Godot. Tell me about this gal, Godot.

Well, she was Wonder Woman. Really? Yeah, and she wears what's interesting. She wears a wonder bra. That is coincidental. It's like it's a weird, like one of those serendipitous flukes. Are you picking something? There's a little wounded.

Oh, you're bleeding. Do you want a tampon? I already have one of those on. I need something for this. Amber. Kevin's bleeding. Medic. This is the first podcast where someone's been bleeding within the first.

within the first five minutes. Let me go get... No, no, it's just an old wound. I know, but it's... Oh, it's fresh. As soon as you started talking about transitioning into a girl, your arm got a period. I said a gal.

Oh, I need a... I'm going to get a thank you. Start with that. I'm going to get a Band-Aid. Doesn't Amber know where the Band-Aids are? Can you... She doesn't. Can you hold down a podcast while you're bleeding?

Absolutely. You know how to do this. Of course. Because you're a tech guy. I'm a tech gal. You're a tech gal. Can you hold that up to the camera and show them your menstrual cycle? Wow.

Okay, stay. Oh, wait a minute. Let me show you better. Wow. You got big pipes for a gal. Those are guns. Really? Yeah.

Are they registered? This one is, but it's a python. Wow. Technically. All right, I don't need a Band-Aid. That's fine. No, you do. Hang on.

Can you hold down the podcast without me? Because we really haven't even done the theme song yet. Oh. I don't need to do anything. Go get your Band-Aid. But it's technically we've started. Okay. All right.

Hold it down. We'll be right back. It'll be about three hours. You don't know where this studio is, but it's a beautiful view. You look outside and you see the entire basin of Los Angeles. I'm pretty sure it's a basin. I don't even know how you would describe or if that is a basin. Basin is usually something you wash clothes in from where I'm from.

And, but I'm excited to be here. Harlan is probably one of the greatest podcast hosts out of the zillions that ask me to do their podcast. This is probably one of the only ones that I do. And in fact, I've made a, this is a promise to myself, no more podcast after this one. And I made that rule before I did this today, but I already had this one scheduled because Harlan likes me, I guess, because this is my 20th time back. He's giving me a signal to wrap it up.

Anyway, Harlan's coming back now. Hey, what were you talking about? Give me a Band-Aid man. I'm a bleed to death here. I have two. All right. I'll save one for later. Yeah.

Unless you want to join me. What? Bleeding? Yeah. Hmm. Are you good with medical stuff? Like if you came upon a car accident that, say you created. Yeah.

And the other person is bleeding profusively. Would you know what to do? Profusively or profusely? Profusively, what I said. So I'm rolling up on an English major who's been in an accident. Yeah. Isn't it profusely? No.

So it's profusively. Let me ask you something. Are you going to be correcting me the whole podcast? Probably. All right. Because I feel like there's a lot more where this came from. You know, there's a myriad things where this came from. Myriad.

Myriad, myriad, on the wall. Who's the fairest of the mall? Is it myriad or is it mirror? Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait. To answer your question, yes, I am trained in St. John's ambulance medical certificate. Are you really?

Yeah. So I... Do you do that? that when you pull it off and I put it on. Okay, sorry. She's backwards much. All right. Yeah, so I had to take some, I had to get my certificate.

Is that true? Yeah. So I do know. Did you want to become an EMT? No, but I ran a camp when I was younger. Yeah. And I had to get it as part of my job requirement. Okay.

And so I did learn all about, you know, lacerations, cuts, the Heimlich maneuver. Oh, you can do the hemlock? Mouth to mouth. Oh, I do it a lot. How about the mouth to mouth? You do that? I do that a lot. Yeah, when I'm making out.

Is it just mouth to mouth or there are other body parts you could do mouth? You can do mouth to anus, but it's, I don't know. Most people. Does it work? It does. It does work. It does work, but most people don't put mouthwash in their mouth. right area you know you ever do anus to mouth well it's the same thing you just have to turn

up around yeah it's called the cirque de solet because usually you would be on the receiving end yeah but yeah do you have to do mouth to mouth and the heim have you ever done the hymlich i almost did it the other night i was at the ice house and some guy in the front row probably was choking what and i jumped off the stage and i was about to give him the hymick because someone in the audience says, hey, she's choking, he's choking. And he was like, oh, oh. And so I was about to start, you know, pushing up. And I said, the people hold them up.

And finally he came around. And the lady in the back is yelling, push on his belly button. Push it. I said, that's not a button. You don't push the button. Yeah. You know. So anyway, I knew how to do it.

I've never done it before, but I've seen it done twice, and it's pretty violent. Yeah, you have to, you have to, like, fall up your fist. You almost lift the person. You have to, like, wrench it right under the, right under the, rib cage right there and boom yeah and then uh so i i start i'm about to do it and he comes around and he's okay they lead him off into the green room come to find out he's got stage four stomach cancer and that was a result of the medicine he was taken so can you imagine if i started doing the heimlich on his cancerous stomach isn't it sad when theater people get cancer stage four

god no no no no no what i like that little what happened look there's a little here's a what happened kind of a you said stage four cancer what what well yeah stage four cancer stage four is uh oh i thought it was actors like like broadway people and broadway got cancer stage okay wow hey folks today's show is sponsored by better help yes indeed what's the first thing you would do if you had an extra hour in your day read a book go jogging, build a model airplane? I don't know. A lot of us spend our time wishing we had more time. The question is time for what? If time was unlimited, how would you use it? The best way to squeeze that special thing into your schedule is to know what's important to you

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Visit betterhelp.com slash highway today and get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash highway. Start getting help. Better help. That's all they are right in the name. Better help. Now, back to the show. I did, I have mixed feelings about the Heimlich because I had kind of, you know how they say for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction. So I was at a seafood restaurant where they served other things, you know, different types of seafood, fish and lobster and all this. So some guy was choking on a shrimp, big fat guy. And everyone was standing up.

It was a big spectacle. I get behind the guy. I'm doing the hymlich. And as you said, it's violent. People are screaming. There's this lady right across screaming. She's like, ah, I'm choking too. Right?

I pop it. The shrimp flies out, goes into her mouth while she's screaming. She's allergic to shrimp. Is she choking on it? No. She has an allergic reaction. I saved fatty and the lady died from a shrimp allergy. Oh, boy.

So I saved one and killed another. Sometimes you've got to make sure in the kitchens of a lot of restaurants, they have the instructions on how to give the Heimlich maneuver restaurants too. Where I worked, they had instructions on how to lift a box properly. And I thought it was the Heimlich maneuver instructions. Well, that's when a woman gets something caught in her vagina. When you got to lift a box? You take things so literally.

I know, but you're bleating. And I feel like you're light-headed. And are you okay? Have you stopped the... The bleeding is stopped. Okay. The pulsating has not... Do you know one time...

You got a minute? One time... Hold on. Hold on. If you're going to ask me that, let me at least... Well, can you do it in 40 seconds? Yeah, man. Great.

Go for it. I want to share a very brief story with you for the next 45 minutes. Great. Okay. One time I was walking at flip-flops. Oh, God. I had an house by the beach, and I had some... brick stairs that had an edge on them and I caught the top of the flip flop and I cut my

toe on the edge of that brick it did you know there's an artery like under your big toe around there it was spurting blood out like that under the nail no on the bottom of the toe oh on the bottom yep and I wrapped a cloth around it I there was a guy my contractor who used to be an EMT oh yeah he came over and looked at it he was uh oh oh he was grossing him out he was you better I better go to the walk in the ER. So I drive over there, wrap it up. And I drive over there. I don't know who it was, but they put salt on it.

I almost hit the ceiling. It's like they were stabbing a knife into my bone. And finally I went over to emergency, emergency room. Yeah. I've been there ever since. You've what? I've been there ever since. At the emergency room.

At the emergency room. Well, I don't blame you. They got great bads. Oh, but the service is so slow. The service is slow. Food's not, but I don't blame you. The shrimp is amazing. Oh.

If you can keep it in your mouth. Yeah. I thought you said this was a 45-minute story. It is. I'm taking my beats. Oh, you're taking a break? Okay. I'm taking my beats.

That's comedy right there. That's timing. What about some celery? You're going to take beats. You might as. How dare you? What am I going to do with you? What am I going to do with you?

Yeah, so. Okay. I don't like to go to ERs. Of course, who does? But can I go ahead. No, I was going to ask because I've never had a guest bleed on the podcast before. Annually or? Annually?

or anally. No, I haven't had anyone bleed, period. Well, that doesn't make, that's an oxymoron. You can't say bleed, period. My friend Dave used to open mic night when he first started. Who's Mike? No, it's open mic. Oh, that's going to be a bleeding anus if you open mic.

So he says, is it just me or is everyone coughing up blood this morning? Right? Yeah. Yeah. That was a good joke. Well, hey everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much. much you spend or what you buy, I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping.

Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Can we ask how you, like no one's ever bled, you come in bleeding. Can I ask how you did that? Where'd you go? Oh, there you are. Yeah, that sometimes I get blocked up.

Well, that was an old scab. But from what? Good question. See? This is why it's been there for a while. It was a little infected. I cut it on a bathroom door, the handle. What?

That goes into the bathroom. I just kind of caught it on there. Oh, wow. The bathroom where I was slips my mind. I'm trying to remember where it was. But it doesn't matter. It just didn't look like it was a very clean bathroom. And everybody's touching the handle.

so it got infected a little infected not that bad but the scab was there for a while and then as I sat down here I was so nervous I was picking at it and it just flaked off and then the blood started rushing out

you know someone else spent some time in a bathroom that wasn't so clean and I don't know if you remember George Michael that are you talking about Is it possible you were at the infamous George

Michael bathroom? I see what you're saying. Well, I'm just asking. No, it was. Well, I think we think it might have been. What did you want to say? You were at the George Michael bathroom? I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. What we're talking about? You were at the George Michael bathroom and you cut yourself open? Yeah. It was not a pleasant sight. Well, should we, I think we should start the podcast now that we're through your health concerns. Let's start it up.

Uh-huh, mm-hmm. Well, now that's a right, ladies and gentlemen. You're on the Halle-Hawai Panker. And it's the return of probably my favorite guest. Why not? Kevin Neelan. And I was going to say your middle name, but I know you don't like that. No, I don't like it.

Sure, go ahead. Kevin Zachary Neelan. You know what the truth is, my middle name is James. Oh. So it's Kevin James Neelan. So when the comedian, Kevin James kind of showed up on the scene, I thought, Kevin James, what? What's his last name? Right.

And you know what? That was his last name. Neelan? No, James. Oh, so what's his middle name? Neelan. Nealyn. You would, please tell me you were an altar boy.

Hang on one second. I've got to take a break. We'll be back after this message. And we're back. Oh, where'd you go? I'm here with Harlan Wayne, Harlan Williams. Williams. Wayne's my middle name.

That's a beautiful name. Yeah, HWW. Do you think anybody has the three W's for their names, like Walter Wayne Williams? Yep, yep. Where's Waldo? Where's Waldo Washington? This is his last name.

Let me ask you something about you. If you're looking for Waldo, yeah. Do you only look on that paper, that border, do you go around the house looking for him? I'll usually go down to the red light district. because I know Waldo likes to fuck. Is that true?

Yeah, like I'll go down to the red light district and I'll kick a door open and he'll probably be like have a ball gag in his mouth, spread eagle, leather collar. And I'll be like, there's fucking Waldo right there. A lot of people looking for him that he did wrong to. Getting slammed. Wow. A lot of husbands are looking for him.

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needed and hello tushy bidet comes with a 30-day hassle-free return and a 12-month warranty so start treating your dairy air folks i mean you sit on it all day you use it all day so give it a little love give it a little tushy magic uh go to tushy dot com and uh at checkouts say harland 10% off your order hello tushy dot com with the promo code harland and happy movements i got a book deal and it's an interesting book deal. I made a thing with the publisher where it had to be like this. It had to be that my book had to be always placed on the book shelf of any bookstore beside where's Waldo, but it had to be to the right of it. And my book's called Who Gives a Royal

Fuck? and so when you go into a bookstore you'll always see where's Waldo who gives a royal fuck well if you're going to laugh maybe this isn't what was that story it's like a chucky cheese laugh you're like one of those rocks here's what i like to do to people okay say something funny if you can come up with any uh i saw an old old lady tripped down the sidewalk the other day. Go ahead. See what I did?

You made the old lady of Parkinson's? No, you thought I was laughing. No, I thought you had Parkinson's. Well, that I had that, too. Well, you were going like this. I don't know if it's Parkinson's or MS, but I did have, I had to laugh going, though, too. Oh. Did you see a ghost?

I just saw you glance off at nothing. If you buy a house where somebody, would you buy a house where somebody died? Uh, yeah. You would? Yeah. What if they were killed by a ghost? I think so. You still buy it?

I think so. What if the ghost was asking $10,000 over the selling price? Then I'd probably kill the ghost. Can you kill a ghost? Yeah. How? You're going to exercise them. Go ahead.

So it's a fat ghost? There you go. You sent me up. You sent me up. I want to do something with you because I feel like we've gotten pretty close. And this is something I haven't done with any other podcast guests, bleeding or not bleeding. Go ahead.

I do a thing, and this is the first time I'm saying this to my audience, I do dream interpretation. Oh, I like that. And I was wondering if you want to do, if you have a dream that you've had recently, you want it interpreted or do you have a recurring dream a lot of people have a dream that they have over and over throughout the course of their life if you wanted to share i don't normally just do this but for you i would do it like a dream interpretation what is your background with

that are you training or uh i studied at devry the night night classes oh wow yeah the one up on the hill that's hard to get in too well i know but that's why i'm sort of throwing it out here How many years did you study a dream interpretation? It was 12, night night classes, 12 years. 12 years? Yeah. 12 years. 12 years. Wow, you've got to be good.

Well, that's why I'm throwing it out here. Did you sleep a lot during that course? Sometimes we had to as part of our exams. Yeah. Here's your exam. All right, here's my recurring dream. Okay. I can't remember one-on dreams.

Yeah. That had a little bit of COVID in it, but not much. Oh. I often have this dream because I fly a lot. I will dream that I am on an airliner and we are flying over a city street, like between the buildings, between the buildings. And we don't crash, but I'm really worried about it. And I'm worried about the pilot.

I'm worried about him getting over that next building. Any kind of idea why I have that? Well, first of all, you said airliner, which tells me you're kind of projecting this through a past life. I don't think anyone said airliners since the 20s. That's what I'm saying. Interpret it now. So this is an old version of you. The sky rises represent progress.

They represent, are you yawning? No, no, no. I'm taking it all in. Well, I don't want you to have a dream right now. It seems like you're ready to fall in. Can you stop crackling? I was thinking, why isn't he saying anything? Because I'm crackling the whole time.

Yeah, you're really crackling a lot. It didn't disturb you at all. Well, it didn't. But my listeners, Donnie Fungis Fing. Don't even, Carol, crunch legs. The only one listening is your assistant in the other room. Well, why did you throw the Band-Aid at me? Why?

Yeah. Because you are complaining about it. By the way, since you're doing the Parkinson's thing, we'll get back to your dream. Since you're doing the, I got some great news. Because when you get Parkinson's, it's always bad news. But here's the good news if you've got Parkinson's. I'm not making fun of it. But if you get Parkinson's, you will get to see Bigfoot.

Do you believe in Bigfoot? I have two big feet. Size 15. What are you? Oh, I'm 11s. It's a medium foot. All right. You'll get there.

Wow, you could probably make more wine than me. Yeah. That's a true fact. And I have. I have my own winery. Wow. If you've got restless leg syndrome and you've got big feet, you're done. You're gold.

Do you know I used to have a wandering eye here? But luckily, my other eye was a lazy eye. So it was a push. That's true, by the way. I can tell I'm looking in your eyes. There goes again. Oh, God. And then it went back again.

Oh, that's a lazy eye. Oh, God. there it goes when can i when can i watch this uh full the tree um what we'll uh do you have email by the way i never watch stuff i'm on because i've done it and i know what it's like and i don't want to see it from that angle yeah yeah and i know what i said i don't want to watch to see how they edited it yeah edited it yeah and um you could edit that second edited it out I'd like to keep it in if you don't mind, because it seems like you have a really long stutter. Like most people just stutter like a letter, but you stutter whole words.

I edited it, edited it. Do you need a nap? I do. I saw a yield sign on the way up here, and I knew immediately what it was because it was yellow and it was in a triangle. Let me ask you something. Okay. What am I going to do with you? What am I going to do with you?

How's Hawaii? You don't want to hear a serial killer say that. to you. Really? What am I going to do to you? Depends on what kind of cereal. What am I going to do with you? Because if it's Rice Krispies, I want to hear some snapcrackle pop.

Is that your cereal growing up? No. It was Kellogg's. They made it. Kellogg's. I know that you think as a Kellogg's person. Yeah, I love fruit loops. I think fruit loops is probably the closest thing I think of. For me? Fruit loops, totally are fruit loop. I'm a fruit loop. Can you cut up a fruit loop and have it with cheese?

Oh, God. God. You're a cheese guy, right? Yeah, I love cheese. You ever get a wheel of cheese? I did get a wheel of cheese, but it got a flat, and I had to change that. Chikuda.

But let me explain why if you have Parkinson's, you're going to see Bigfoot. Okay. Because if you look on YouTube, every Bigfoot video is he's always shaking. And so you know the only people that are, seen bigfoot in the forest are the parkies i don't know about that and they're like hey big foot and that's why all that's why it's that's why all the footage of big foot is it's just the people

with parkins now it's a sad disease i'm not making fun of it but if you got to have a perk you get the shakes and you get to see a mythical creature that's not a bad payoff kind of like your goofy retarded eyes what and you say you had say that well that's what you said you had Tard eyes. Oh, tired eyes. Lazy eye. Okay. I can see where you can make that.

I heard lazy, then I heard tired, and then I looked at you, and I heard, I saw Tard. Do you know any language, just foreign languages? Si. Yes. Parle-vous-Francais. So you don't know any. African Bushman.

What did you just say there? I said, go suck a bowl of gravy down in Kentucky fried chicken, get lots of zits. pop them into a little boy's eyes and blind them with your gravy pus. And that's the beauty of the Bushman language because it condenses everything. Four pops and that... That was five.

Well, that's why I can't eat... One of them was a real pop. I can't eat Rice Krispies because you pour that milk on there and it's like... It's talking to you. And it's just like it won't shut the fuck up. And I can't eat it fast enough to shut it. the fuck up like guys shut it and it's just that's why you'll never see an african bushman uh eating

rice crispy's because uh it's talking to them what kind of education do you have well if i have to say devri again i will but before that did you uh have any kind of a formal education or i don't know why there's laughing when you say that I wasn't a smart kid, no. I know, but did you have any form? I was homeschooled, and unfortunately, we lived in a doll house, so I didn't have a lot. Are you sucking the table? God.

All right, you almost cut yourself again. I still, you're like, you know what? I'm going to put a Band-Aid on, just so we're in Symbia. You want me to put it on my mouth? Son of a, okay. No, no, put it on your nose. That look kind of good, like a sleep aid. Have you ever used those eight?

That sleep, that goes over? That's supposed to open up your nose tape? Oh, yeah, yeah. Does that work? It, well, here's what happened. I put it in and I breathed in so much. I did a seven-hour fart. Out of your nose.

No, no, it opened my nostrils so wide that I, during my sleep, so much air was coming in. It was like, oh, my God. And then I'm at church on Sunday. I do a seven-hour fart. And someone thought that someone stepped on a bagpipe. That's a long service. So you want me to do this?

Yeah, but center it. You got to center it. Why isn't it working? It's not, no. It is? Yeah. Okay. It doesn't feel.

You're right of your nose on your eye. It doesn't feel like it's very secure. No, it's not. good? Yeah. You don't feel it? Excuse me, I'm crackling. Crackling, roses, get on bone.

What's the first concert you ever went to? Believe it or not, the Osmond's. I don't believe it. Yeah, the Osmond's. Really? I saw Donnie Osmond and his brothers, the Osmond family, and a Canadian rock band

opened for them called Lighthouse. They became very popular Lighthouse. They did? Yeah. Especially with sailors. Yeah. At night. At night.

Yeah. Oh, when it got faggy. Oh, foggy. I meant foggy. Are you about to knot off? I'm just looking at how glassy your eyes are. Really? Yeah, really glassy.

What do you mean? Zoom in on it when you edit this. I mean, it is like, there's like an inch of water on your eyes. Oh, I think you meant glazed. Glazed. I've got glazed eyes. Yeah, glazed eyes. Yeah, glazed.

Well, I guess glassy. and glades. Glassy is more of a indication that you're a big drinker and didn't get much sleep last night. But they're not bloodshot, so you're not a drinker. But I slept well, but you're the one that keeps yawning and nodding off. Do you think it's glazed? Because you don't eat donuts, do you?

I love donuts. You see what I did? I did a Harlan Williams right there. Wait, tell me how it worked. You take a word that said, and then you apply it to something very absurd and ridiculous, and you go on with that conversation. I'll give you an idea.

Okay. I heard a pop in my ear the other day. So your dad was at your house? Exactly. Yeah. Who does that? You? I don't think there's any proof that I do that?

I'm going to hit the bell the next time you do it. Okay. Okay. There was a, for a minute I had a flash about a flood. that was going on in Nairobi. And I didn't know if I would achieve any kind of safety. Did you say Nairobi? That's what I'm saying.

All right, let's get into some questions. Come on. Oh, I crafted it myself. Oh, did you really? Yeah. This is one thing I think I might believe. Okay, well, I have a buddy. I have a buddy who's a carpenter, and he comes over from the Middle East now and then, and we just, oh. I like that. Corrugated metal.

From the mid-east? He comes from a carpenter from the Middle East, and he comes over. No, he comes from actually Israel. Okay. Yeah, and he just walks across the ocean and comes over, and his name's Jesus. Yeah, does great work. I never know when you're kidding. Yeah, geez.

Well, you should. I said he walked over the ocean to get here. And we'll go over IKEA, and this Jesus guy goes berserk. Is this true? This is true, because, you know, he's a cabinet builder. He does bookshelves. He does coffee tables. You go, you take Jesus into IKEA.

He thinks he's gone to his father's to the heaven, to the Holy Land. But this doesn't look like IKEA. This doesn't look like the Lord Savior, son of the Lord. the Lord of the Holy Host work? No. This looks like a custom job. Yeah, it is. But nothing from IKEA.

That's what I'm saying. Jesus did this table, but I take him to IKEA just to show them the stuff. I have, in fact, I lost my Ki-As the other day. No way. Do you see what you did? I see what I did right there. I did a Harlem Williams. Oh, I see.

You lost your Kiyas. Yeah. I didn't even know you had two cars. I have a two-car. Oh, my God. Well, your ears must give you. cold they do that's right but not when i have these cans on garbage cans these things do not work very well like my nose i don't feel like it's open it's on there

as tight as it could be i know but i just i don't feel anything different do you wear any sleep aids at night i like to i did get aids once at night i think you did it again you did it again you're right i did do it some kind of a habit. Well, I'm not a nun. You'd be great at a game show. I would. Yeah.

Which one monopoly? Word association. Yeah. You know what show you wouldn't be good on? What? Family feud. Why? Because you're not smart.

Yeah, that's true. I'm thinking Jeopardy. Yeah, I'm not smart though. That's the thing. You're not Jeopardy smart is what I'm saying. I know. Like throw a question at me and let's see if I Like, you know, be real.

Do a tough question and I'll see if I can figure it up. What is the capital of Nairobi? What is the, what does pie equal? For me, blueberry. I do it. I do it. I do it. All right.

Let me throw one of you, smart genius. What's the biggest fish in the world? There's a lot of fish in the world. The biggest fish with the kingfish. No. Oh, what's wrong? What is it? What's the biggest whale in the world?

That whale. Wow, that's two for two guy, and you said I was the dumb one. Come on. Two glassy eyes staring at each other. Yeah. All, go ahead. You don't know the biggest whale? It's a gray whale.

Oh. It's a blue whale. Yeah. The red whale. Blue? the blue whale, yeah. And biggest fish? Well, the whale's not a fish.

It's a mammal. No, the biggest fish. That's what I'm saying. What is it? It's the one who's ever the biggest. There's the biggest fish. It's got the word whale in it. Oh, it's a killer whale.

No? No. It's got a killer in it or whale? Whale. Oh, it's a whale of a fish. No. What is it? Whale sharks.

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get in the zone hang on my band-aids getting away oh do you ever feel the world dumping on you like have you ever been in a scenario where the world's dumping where things are just going wrong this morning what happened guy oh god life is so hard for me my Tesla didn't have a lot of charge on it yeah and um i'm driving back from my house in belair okay and my um my uh cell phone is dying, and I plug it into my counsel and move all the money out of the way. I just got a lot of money for, I won a lottery, and I pushed it in, and it wasn't charging the phone. So that's why I asked you if you had a charger when you came here. Oh, right.

And also a bag for my money, but you did not have a money bag. Oh, dude. So that is the world dumping on me, and it's horrible. What about yourself? Wow. Way to turn it around, Popper. Tate. Remember Pop Tate from the Archie comics? Yeah. He owned the Malt Shop. He was the best. That his Maltz looked so good, didn't they? They did. But what do you do when, when shit goes wrong?

Like, when you're having a bad week or a bad day, what's what's Kevin Nieland's remedy to pull himself out of a funk, if you don't mind me, throwing that word around? I think this is the first serious question you've asked me. Yeah. It takes me a while to warm up. I told you I'm not well educated. I'm not good at this. I don't, I'm not good at communicating, I'm not good at doing a podcast, so it takes me a little foreplay. Are you telling me that Vry is not a good university for good education? It's good for some things, for dream analysis, but it wasn't really good for the other things. So what does, if I can steer it back to my first real question, how does Kevin Nealon work his way out of a funk? We've all got, we all get hit with moments. of sadness, depression, we all fall down guy, how does Kevin Neelan prop himself up and get back

on the horse? That's a real question. How do I prop myself back up? You're talking about what I do? When you get down in a funk. Okay, well, how far down in a funk? Like you're feeling real low, like Kevin Neelan wakes up, his eyes flitter open in the morning and he doesn't want to get out of bed. Okay, I don't get out of bed. That's how you deal with it. I deal with it. I keep the lights out. I pull the covers up over me. Wow.

Don't get out of bed. I have a white noise machine. Racist. I knew it. I knew you'd say that. Well, you saw it. I was a softball. I threw up for you.

And then I wait for it to pass. I'll go, let's see, was it, 2013. I went for three weeks under the, without ever getting out of the bed. What? Three weeks. You stayed three weeks in bed. Never touched the ground, never at the floor of my feet.

Wow. That's the ultimate Dutch oven. Whew. Wait, you stayed in bed for three weeks? I'm kidding. Oh, God, you got me. Well, you know, to answer your question series, I think having a good support system around you,

you know, friends and family that can kind of talk to you, maybe see therapist, right? Really? Have you done that? Oh, no. You have? No. People have seen therapists though.

But you're not you. No, I have. You did? No, I did not see a therapist. But other people have seen, have they gone to therapy. Yeah. And it seems to work for them. It hasn't worked for me.

So you went and it failed. No, no, no. I never went. Oh. But it didn't work for me. Oh, the concept. You see what I'm saying? I see.

No, not the concept, the actual one-on-one. Oh, you went to one. No, I did not go to one. But you conceived of going to one. There was no babies involved at all. But you didn't, so, and then the guy. What I'm saying is that one of the things that I do to get myself out of a funk, or I'll eat a lot.

I love to eat like sugar, you know, salt, cooking. I think the best way to get out of a funk is as much sugar as possible. What does that do for a one? One Kevin Neillan. I don't know. I've never done it. Oh, but you've conceptualized it. Like you get depressed or you just like you're down and you visualize yourself at a Baskin-Robbins,

just sucking those containers clean like a grizzly bear at a garbage dump? First of all, I don't go to Baskin-Robbins. You will. And a grizzly does not hang out at the dump. Black bears do. That's what I'm trying to tell you. You're supposed to say racist. I put a football up for you

because I did it when you said white noise. Yeah, so I wouldn't have been original. I did that. Well, yours was black. Mine was white. That's like, that's, what is, drawing straws? Song strong? It's like, what if I got, half dozen to one to another?

Baker's dozen. Baker's dozen to one another? So. Six to one, one to six. That's the combination of my chastity belt, by the way. Really? Yeah. If you wear a chastity belt? Yeah. If you want to get lucky later, you have the combo.

You just set it out loud. If you want to peel that sucker open, let the spiders crawl out and have some midnight fun. You just said the right numbers there, lottery lips. What kind of childhood do you have? I didn't. I was born at the age of 14. Are you serious? Yeah. My mother's stretch marks are nine feet long.

That's really stretching it. Yeah. Her fallopian tubes. History. There was a comic He's since passed away So maybe I'll use this joke Yeah

He said And he's a very tall comic He said I was born November 6th 7th And 8th Because he was such a long baby Oh I thought there's three of them

No Here's a good joke I heard the other day You want to hear this one Was it better than the last one do you think? That was not a joke That didn't sound like it No no That wasn't me

That was Someone else Okay let's hear a good one. Okay. Mr. Thompson goes into the doctors. Hilarious. They finish. And the doctor said, I don't have good news for you. Mr. Thompson says, well, tell me, what is it? He said, you don't have long to live. You're going to die. And the guy goes, how long do I have, Doc? And the doctor goes, five? He said five, what? Four? three

two one one no one because he did not win but if you want to finish the joke you gotta go I finished the joke at four

but I heard two yeah but I because you enjoyed it so much I was giving you more numbers but I would have really had a payoff if he had hit one because that's what I'm saying this joke has no payoff because he's not going to live oh so I'm the dumb one yeah oh I didn't you just say I'm a dumb one luckily you're not the dead one I like that one I like a joke that involves numbers because as a kid who was born at 14

I didn't get a chance to watch Sesame Street so hearing that joke really filled in a void you want to hear another joke I'd love to I bet you would please I wish I knew one one that's going that's the number i wish i knew one what do you do for fun i like to go to the uh the dog uh the thing where the dog rescue no the rescue the rescue yeah yeah and uh throw the dogs over a cliff and see if they really can rescue themselves because i don't believe it well no no they don't rescue themselves people come in and rescue them well they're called dog rescues oh i see okay you The other way. Uh-oh.

Let me ask you this. Wait, what did I... How do you pronounce that park that's not Disneyland in Los Angeles? Oh. Starts with a K. There's three words. Starts with a K with three words.

Clu Klux Klan Park? No. That's the one I go to. Nuts? It's first of the words. Berry? Yeah. Good.

It's not very good. You're talking about Knott's Berry Farm? Yes. Yeah, it's Nott's very good. How do you say it? How do you say it? Knott's Berry Farms. No.

It's not Nott's Berry Farms. It's Nott's Farm. Oh. It belonged to Nott's, the farmer. K-N-O-T-S. Yeah. I thought it belonged to Don Nott's, the actor. No, no, no, no, no.

From Threes Company? Mr. Furley. And they opened a theme park. Don Knottesbury Farm? Let me ask them. What am I going to do with you? Well, look, since we're talking about farms, do you remember Pepperidge Farm, the bakery?

I worked there when I was a kid. Okay, well, I've opened a class action lawsuit against them because I used to work at a senior center. And as you know, dementia is a huge thing. It affects the memory. And what was Pepperidge Farms slogan? Who are you again? See, that's what you would do to me.

The slogan was, I bet you can't eat one. No. It was Pepperidge Farm, remembers. Right, it was. And you're putting out pastries, cookies, crackers, crumble cakes, bun cakes. The oldies love that shit. The seniors love those pastries and squares and cinnamon nubs and things like that. you're putting out all these pastries

they have memory loss dementia all timesters and you got a slogan that says Pepper I'm remembers and they can't remember fuck all that's a that's a lawsuit waiting is this thing working

no you've been leaving on it too long you should take it off because you only breathe on on one side of your nose now wait this goes on the other side Now you tell me I'm trying to think another slogan that's popular Oh

Shingles doesn't care She oh Yeah It depends if it's raining or not If it What am I going to do with you? How's Hawaii for a weekend? Were you?

No, how's Hawaii for it? You asked me what you're going to do with me I'm up for me and you in Hawaii No, I didn't mean that Well, you said, what am I going to do with you? Why, I know, I meant, I didn't mean Hawaii, but the Caribbean. Sure. Really?

I'd love to go to the Caribbean with you. That's what I'm going to do with you then. Yeah. Let me check the question page. Okay. Oh, have you ever thought about going blonde? Oh, man, that would be horrible. I couldn't see anybody.

What do you mean? Is that what you're saying? No, have you ever thought about not blind? Did you say, oh, what did you say? Blonde. Blonde. Yeah. Have you ever thought about going blonde?

Where am I going? Well, I don't know. You could go, why don't you go to the Caribbean? Oh, is it Caribbean or Caribbean? Oh, you got me. I think it's Caribbean. Yeah, Caribbean. Caribbean, I think it is Caribbean.

In Spanish, you know what it is? What? Got it beyond. Oh, wow. You speak Spanish? See? Oh, wow. Fluent?

My name is Kevin. What does that mean? My name's Kevin. Say it again? My name Kevin. What's that? You said my name is Kha. What's that?

Cameron Diaz? No, no, no, no, no. All right, so go ahead. What's the question? What's the next question? Oh, the next question. Okay. Do you have a tapeworm?

You look like you probably do. I have one at home. Oh. It's a pet. I keep it in a little cage. What? A little dirt on the bottom. And you know what?

Occasionally, if something is ripped and I need to fix it, I will tapeworm it. See, I'm thinking just like a Harlem Williams now. I don't think. You don't think so? I just don't think. And that's an issue. And that's a problem with podcasting. To not be able to formulate thoughts.

Boy, you're telling me. Man, I'm telling you. No, you're telling me. I'm so excited that you have a pet tapeworm. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because I have one, and I don't know if you want to, do you feel like sharing? Like, we both have tapeworms. Well, Molley was sharing with the housekeeper.

That's how he eats. See? Yeah, I keep them out. It's not always in the cage. I let him out for eating time. Yeah. I wrote a little poem in my cinnamon journal about my tapeworm, Timmy. And if you're up for it, I'd love to share it with you.

I would love that. Oh, my God. God, I'm so excited. You're open to this. What's your tapeworm's name? Leonard. Oh, God. How about yours?

Timmy. Timmy. That's a great name for tapeworm. Yeah. This is from my cinnamon journal. Do you have a cinnamon journal? I have other spices. What do you got?

Nutmeg. A nutmeg journal? Yeah, I have Nutmeg. I have a... Wow. Tocopa. Really? Yep.

I have... Lessness. Oh, wow. Sage. Oh. Parsley. Rosemary? Rosemary and time.

Wow. Oh, he's just the matter. I have 12 journals at home. What? Yeah. Journal pig. Well, I don't write at them. What do you do?

I just pile them. Put on a pile. Wow. Why are you rubbing your scapula? Do you know what you call that? Well, the journals. What? Pile journals.

was that another one of the what is that you got you just pull a welt off your scapula god oh parkinson let me read you this since we both have tapeworms can i read you this poem that i wrote from my cinnamon journal timmy timmy tapeworm twirling in a tree Timmy Timmy tapeworm deep inside of me Bumble rumps Bumble clumps Wiggledy jiggledy clumpfety clump

Glumpty glum jiggly jiggle Timmy go uptown Timmy go downtown Timmy go camping with a horse and a clown Timmy go barfie. Timmy flink dinkle.

Timmy drink Hawaiian punch. Timmy go tinkle. Timmy Tim Tapeworm. Timmy Tim Crunch. Timmy Tim Tapeworm has gone out to lunch. You didn't write that. Wait, I'm not finished. Driving a convertible to Malibu Beach.

Timmy dinkle-dinkle. Stinky stink keach. who wrote that i did no you didn't i sure as i'll did guy did you really write that dude yeah you are talented do you ever write a poem for your tapeworm i have 12 poems that are published wait really last time seller yeah can you have any um committed to memory oh they're all committed to memory can i can we hear one for the audience i don't remember them oh i thought they were committed to they were past tense got it um let's fast forward because i think we're both in the entertainment industry right i'm

going to say i think we're both done but no we're in the entertainment business well i'm looking at the clock we've just got another hour and a half of them we're out you're laughing like a guy that's been locked in an asylum and he just doesn't know what to do so he's just that silent giggle Like going insane? I love to watch you on stage because you just don't care. I don't? You just go out on the limb and you just keep moving along.

I do? Yeah. You ever see yourself on a video? I don't like to watch them. No. Because I was there and I already know the ending. No, no, they change it on videos. Oh.

It's never the same. Well. What is that? is that? That's an African yellow belly snap sucker. Hang on, I have another serious question.

Oh yeah, you'll like this. What was the most pleasant surprise because I think we're both in show business? What was the most pleasant surprise for Kevin Neal and when he entered into the world as show business? What was an aspect of the industry that you liked that you

was better than you thought? Or maybe something you didn't see coming. And take your time. Do you need a respirator guy? I mean, it sounds like you're laying turtle legs. Dude, let's get you to a hatchery. God. Like a leatherbacked sea turtle wheezing on a beach in Puerto Rico.

God, come on. Yeah. The most pleasant surprise that ever happened to me? Was there an element of this industry where you, you know, you know. Yeah. Yeah. I think when I got on a tonight show for the first time. Was it?

Yeah, that came out of nowhere with Johnny Carson. Really? Because that validated you as a. comic and um so three nights before three days before i was going to do it they told me i got it doing it and i was so scared when they introduced me when johnny introduced me i walked out to my spot to do my stand-up yeah blanked out i couldn't remember no yeah and after the last clap ended i remembered it and i was so nervous my mouth was so dry my lip would stick to the up front you know like that yeah i wouldn't do any i don't want to lick it because they'd think i was nervous so i adjusted by

bringing this one up like like that so no way so you had this shit-eating grin on your face the whole time which probably looked like confidence it did so it was sort of a beneficial accident why am i filling in the blanks why are you telling your story that's what i'm saying that's that's what i'm saying point you got it buddy bingo but so did it it's so you you you you went through it almost in like a dreamlike state you went on autopilot delivered the comedy routine of your life it was the pinnacle moment on your stand-up career because to get on that show was like having a court in front of the king and you had no recollection of how it went until you went and watched it later

I don't know if you're telling me that because you thought maybe I forgot all that. It looked like you did. No, that is true. That is exactly true. I'd never been on such a natural high than after that finished because I got panel too.

You did? Was that planned or did he love you so much? He called you up, what? Oh, that's the dream gig. Yeah. People don't realize that being on that show was literally like the hugest honor you could have as a comedian.

And it validated you as a comic. Yeah. Because people were, oh, you're on the Tonight Show. Oh, yeah. You're a headliner with five minutes of material. Yeah. Did you do it once or more? I did it with him.

Yeah. I don't remember maybe two or three times because I did a set that he was not happy about. Oh, wow. Apparently, he had a DUI and something to happen. Someone got hurt. But I came out as around the holidays. I said, well, I don't know about you, but I'm getting ready for the holidays. I've been doing a lot of drinking and driving.

And he said to the coordinator, he goes, what happened? What's that joke? And he goes, I didn't know he's going to do it. He calls me, he goes, I didn't know you're doing that opening joke. I said, no, it's been in my, it's always been in that five-minute set. Yeah. So I don't think he ever asked me back after that, but I did it with Joan Rivers. I did it with Letterman and Jay-W-W-low, you know, so I did a lot.

Isn't it weird when the host take stuff personal? Like, you're not necessarily there to entertain them. You're there to entertain their audience. but when the hosts take something personal, I find it very weird. I remember I did a... I don't see you offending anybody, by the way. Well, I think I've done it by accident.

Okay. I did that guy, Craig Ferguson's late night show once. And I was doing a joke about camping. You know, camping outside. And I said, you know, you go in the tent and everything. I think I, instead of having a bear rummaging around the camp, I think I replaced it with Rosie O'Donnell. And I did the bit.

and Craig Ferguson, you know, the Scottish guys, he just goes, hey, Rosie's a friend of mine. And I just went, yeah, so? And he goes, well, don't be saying that. Like, right on the show. After your set. No, this was during the show. I was doing panel with them.

And I did the whole, like, camping thing. I go, camping is like, you're in your tent, Rosie O'Donnell's rummaging around through your food. He's like, hey, Rosie O'Donnell's a friend of mine. And I was like, so? And then, yeah, it's just weird. that they make it personal. Yeah, I mean, that sounds like him.

You know what I mean? That's what something he would say. Yeah. Oh, was that Scottish? Yeah, Flemish. You just had some Flemm, so I made it Flemish. Is that German? Well, it is, yes.

It's the Scottish region of Germany, a Scottenstein. Yeah, it's in the south near the Black Forest, near Stuttgart. I get it. So this was, this exceeded your expectation. the whole tonight show experience. More than SNL or weeds or any of these things I've done. Yeah, that was it.

Because that's all I wanted to do was stand-up comedy. Yeah. So that was my focus. And once that happened, it's like kind of dating the girl that you've dreamt about for your life. Yeah. You know what's interesting, Kevin? I did the same thing with Letterman. The first time I did Letterman, it was my target.

When I got into this industry, I was like, I want to do Letterman. After that, everything's just gravy. Yeah. And same thing. I think to this day, I'm still riding on some of the fumes because I had a killer set. Like I went out. It was my first shot to get on Letterman or Carson was not an easy task. And I did amazing.

And same thing. Dave called me over for panel. I wasn't supposed to go over. And same thing. I still feel that, that energy, that height inside of me to this day. So I can really, for once we're relating, we're almost like this, we're almost laying together in a Walmart sleeping bag on the side of coconut cream pie mountain or whatever you call it.

That was an amazing experience for you. Yeah. You scared? I was a little bit nervous, but to fight my anxiety, to me, comedy is about being silly. Obviously. And so I went, as long as I feel silly, I'm going to do okay. So before I went on stage, this is for real, before they had a chance to do anything, while I was waiting in the wings, I had snuck a jar of Peter Pan peanut butter in my thing and a knife.

And I took it out and I put peanut butter on the top of my boots. I had black boots on. And I went on stage and I had peanut butter on my boots. So I walked out feeling silly. And I was in the zoo. That's true. Chunky? Smooth.

Yeah. I wanted a smooth set. Okay. And so I went out and I remember the, what was the name of the producer on Letterman? Morty? Morty, Morty. He was level with the stage, like looking up at me. And he was just like, okay.

And then he just kind of, and he went like that. And he saw that I had the pit. And Dave loved it and I got called over for panel. I can totally relate to what you're saying. Yeah. And even though we've both done stuff since that, I get it, that was sort of like the mountain top. That was because, you know,

what you want to do is a stand-up. And once that happens, you know you're on the right track, you know? Yeah, that's right. Yeah. And it not only validates everything you believed in yourself, but like you said, it sort of sends the message out to everyone else

that you can do this. Yeah. Now, on the flip side, what's been one of the most disappointing elements of the entertainment industry that you didn't necessarily see coming when you're like, oh, wow, this sucks or I don't like this side of wake up, Kevin? Oh, I thought you nodded off. I'm thinking. Well, sinking doesn't equal snoring. Oh, you're deep thinking. Well, I've told this story before.

This will be the last time I'll tell it. Well. When I was 26, 27, I went in for an audition for a show. I had five callbacks. Wow. And the last thing I heard the producers say, looked at each other, and they said, well, we're not getting any closer than this.

And the director kind of smiled, and everybody smiled. And I left thinking, I got this cake. I got this cake. I called my manager. I said, I went great. I think they're going to use me. And then two weeks, I don't hear anything. I hear that they're looking for an older actor for the role

and they finally found they went with Ted Danson for Cheers Sam Malone That was you? You were up for that? I was up for that and they liked me a lot too Because I was a bartender And I played football in college Originally he was a football ex-football player

I could totally see you in that role You see that? Well you have the cadence, you have the demeanor You have the chops You have the chops and you have a the dryness, I could totally see you doing that role. In fact, I would have rather have seen you do that role. Oh, wow.

Ringo. But that's sort of a missed opportunity through the casting world. But I guess what I'm talking about is, was there an element of the entertainment industry that maybe was a disappointment or a dark side or something that you didn't like that you weren't really savvy to coming into it. And if you need to take another little nap. Now, I felt that way when I was in the porn industry. Oh.

There was a lot of things that I had realized. Like what? Well, you had to take your clothes off. Yeah. So I was out of there. But I see what you're saying. I see what you're saying. Is there anything that's, give me an example of what happened to you?

Well, I found that I found that you come to this town. and you find out through friends, through business associates, how disposable you can be. That's true. Like I didn't like the element of how you can ingratiate yourself to people. You can have managers and agents and they're taking you up for dinner and we're a team. And then all of a sudden one day they just, yeah, we're not working with you anymore.

Like, and not just to me, but I've seen it happen to just about everyone. Yeah. And I don't like the coldness. and the calculated kind of just, I don't know, the cruelty of it is there's a cruel side to this business. And so I didn't really anticipate that. And it's something you have to learn to grow an armor to and fight your way through. But so that's an example for me that was.

Yeah, I get that. You know, I remember being on a few different shows. And you get a gift every year for your birthday. Yeah, from the show. From the show, it's a nice gift, expensive. And then once you leave the show, there's no more gifts. Yeah. But doesn't that make sense?

You're not on the show anymore. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. So you think if you leave the show, they should still, like Seinfeld should still be getting gifts? No, no, no. I'm saying the opposite. I'm saying if you leave the show,

you should still be getting gifts from them. even though it's like done you're not on it no i didn't say that oh no i'm saying let's say you finish the show yeah and then they stop giving you gifts yeah that's what i have a problem with oh okay so not getting the gift because you're not on the show but you should still get it i don't think you're listening to me wait say it again when you're not on the show they stop giving you gifts okay you're on the show you get a gift every birthday every birthday it's very personal gift once a year yeah but once you leave the show there's no gifts for your birthday right yeah that sucks i get i'm with you on that one i'm not sure what it is but i'm with you all the way on

nothing no i'm just saying that's that's that's that's coming from my heart that is the depth of my soul on that one and that was really painful to figure that out and realize and watch it happen in real time can I recommend something yeah therapy what kind water sure if you want to how long can you hold your breath seven minutes yeah I would do some therapy underwater maybe a whale shark um last serious this is another serious question okay is there any outside well you might have answered it with the cheers thing yeah but is there any unrealized portion or element of the entertainment industry that you haven't captured yet albeit a script a movie as a director as a writer as well is there something that you

still want to grab that you haven't been able to obtain yet in this industry because you've done a fuck of a lot i've created a lot of shows and movies but they never went anywhere okay I wrote a great script with this guy, Danny Zucker, who used to be a producer. I know that name. Anyway, we had a great script, and everybody loved it, but then when it came down to it, nobody wanted it. I've written, you know, comedies before I wanted, you know, I wish I had done improv, like back in the 1900s before SNL, so that I had a lot of characters in my back pocket.

But you created a lot of characters on SNL. Yeah, but I didn't come in with a lot, like some of those other people. you know what I think would have been a great character that you might have missed out on an narcolepsy guy like just someone who's always nodding off yeah heavy eyes yeah like always yawning that's what i've been trying leaning on his hand a lot that type of character would be perfect you ever you should try that well have you ever thought of that yeah and it doesn't work I don't know, it looks like it's working today, like for the last hour. No, it doesn't feel like it's...

Are you auditioning? Were you doing a character this whole time? What do you think? Narcolepsy guy. Yes! Well, suck my dirty Band-Aid. Let me just talk about narcolepsy for one minute. Okay.

I grew up in a kind of a very, not conservative family, but I grew up in a, you know, a very, you know, a very, well-balanced family. Yeah, what were you saying? Here I get on SNL, and my parents come, they're sitting in the front row. Were they tight-rope walkers? Well, you didn't say a very balanced family. I had to play a narcoleptic stripper.

No way. Cut off shorts right in front of them and start dancing in front of them. It was really uncomfortable for me. What was the first part? I know what you're doing. I know what you're doing. what you're throwing it back at me you like impressions

oh et phone home I think it's time for our final segment guy but before we go can I want to I want to mention your beautiful book I love your book. You gifted me this book last time, and I want everyone to go out and get Kevin's book. That's a great book. And you are an incredible artist.

I'm not kidding. Incredible, incredible artist. Characteratures in this book. Anything else you want to say about your wonderful book? Yes, I encourage you to get that at a mom-and-pop bookstore. And if they don't have it, then go to Amazon, get it overnight. Yeah, it's got anecdotes next to each painting. A lot of them, my celebrity friends.

Yeah. And there's interesting stories that I relate to them. Yeah, it's incredible. You are such a talented guy. And I love picking your brain. I love watching you sleep. I love everything about you. I love the way you bleed.

Only women bleed. I used a pair of these. You did? I got him when I was a kid in Holland. No way. What size? Seven. Great.

And the other one was a 12. Were you a sprinter? Yeah, I was a sprinter, but slow motion. Yeah. I loved pretending like to go running fast. Yeah, you can't go too fast with these. I did that for football too as a kid. And then when I went to try out for a football team,

but everybody was a lot faster than me. Yeah. Yeah, what? Yeah, but at least when it rained, you would float. So this is words from a wooden shoe. You remember this. You reach in, pull out a word, and see if it triggers a story. from your journey in life that you can share with us as a kind of a closer here.

This is crazy that I pulled this one out. What is it? This is Kisman. This is Ducky. Ducky. Okay. Oh. Did you know that I?

I don't look in the shoe. This is all. Ducky was the name of a pet I had. It was a, it was a dog. Okay. But we thought it would be cute to name him Ducky. Yeah. And he actually became friends with a flock of ducks.

Is it a flock? Yeah. Or gaggle. No, a gaggle of geese, a flock of ducks. A flock of ducks. And he became the ringleader. And it's funny because... So it was a circus of ducks.

We named him ducky before this, before he met up with the flock of ducks. Yeah. And ultimately, he turned on ducks and he ate the whole flock. Oh, wow. There you go. Thanks for bringing up a bad memory. Well, I used to have a dog who liked to watch porn movies.

His name was Fucky. And he, but this is, this isn't, I, this is a whole other story. Yeah. Uh, Kev, before we go, can you tell the folks, if you can just wake up long enough to tell the folks where you're going to be? I'm going to be, uh, you have a comedy tour out there. Yeah, I exaggerate tour. Uh, they can go on my website, Kevin Neeland.com and find my little tour of my schedule. Great.

And, uh, also I have a hiking show on YouTube, a YouTube, hiking, with Kevin. Okay. Like with a different celebrity. On YouTube. And, and, and you'll see me around town.

BT phone home. Ladies and gentlemen, the fabulous Kevin Neillan once again is 15th visit to the Harlan Highway. Was it 15 or second? 50, I said. 50.

Is the bleeding stopped? It's coagulated. That's what she said. Better go out on that. Folks, thanks for being here. Harland Highway, Kevin Neeland. Get his fabulous book. Check out his fabulous comedy tour.

And until next time, Chicken Chalmaine, baby. You didn't mean it that I was a dumb guy, right? The opposite. What would be the opposite of dumb? What? Stupid. Ha ha ha