The Harland Highway - 1st podcast of 2022 - HAPPY NEW YEAR

Episode Date: January 4, 2022

Life Coach, Dr Debbie Thymer is here to help us adjust to the new year. Celebrity Races. Harland's 911 emergency. And listener phone calls! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, hello, everybody. Welcome to a new year. Uh-huh, that's right. It's 1922. Oh, wait, 17-20, no. 20-2. Can you believe it? We're in the future.

Oh, my God. Have you got your floating car yet? Or your tractor beam? Not. But we're getting there. We're inching towards the future, I guess. And right now we're in the present with your, uh, first Harland Highway podcast of the new year.

And we got some fun stuff. Dr. Debbie Timer is here, the life coach. He's going to help talk us through our ambitions and our chart of course for the new year ahead of us. Also, I'm going to tell you about a crazy 911 emergency that yours truly was involved in. Oh, yeah, I got wrapped up in the middle of a 911 emergency. Wait, do you hear this? and then we're going to the celebrity race track

where we're going to have our first race of the year where celebrities are going to be running down the track and we're going to talk about social attitudes and the way people think and act here in this kind of world we live in nowadays. Some of it's not very pretty. Yeah, it's pretty intense. We're going to listen to some listener voicemails.

We're just going to have a good time. Let's get this year rolling on the right foot or who for whatever, right here, Harlan Highway. Sit down, strap in and tighten your diaper. Come on. You're about to go down the Harlan Highway. That means that every woman in this village who is capable of childbirth is going to have

a baby. You shit kicking, stinky horseman or smelling motherfucker. You tell me his name. You must tell me his name! This is Harlan Willis. is Harland Williams. Oh, well, my mistake. Guess I'll be on my way then.

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. What have you done to it? What have you done to its eyes? All of you. All of you, freaks. Heavens to Murgatroyd. Whether you're wearing a pullover or a cardigan,

it's the Harland Highway. I have to hang up now. Oh, yeah. Here we go. It's the beginning of the year. It's time. Is there anybody out there? Are you out there? Are you listening? Are you ready for a podcast? I mean, I'm here. Is there anybody out there? I'm here ready to go. I'm ready to kick off the year. Make things happen?

Rock and roll player? Is there anybody out there? I'm out here. Are you out there? Are you going to get yourself out there? Make things happen in the brand new year? Is there anybody out there? Oh, yes, you better.

And I want to tell you right out of the gate about an emergency. Have you ever been in a major emergency? Uh-huh. 911, what's your emergency? And even Wilder, have you ever been in an emergency in Beverly Hills? Uh-huh, that's right. It happened to me just the other day. Let me tell you about my Beverly Hills emergency.

This was unbelievable. This is, this will have you at the edge of your seat. So I'm over at the dentist's office. I have a, my dentist is over in Beverly Hills. Can you believe it? How, how smarmy does that sound? You know, I'm a punk kid that grew up in the suburbs of Canada. And suddenly I've got a Beverly Hills dentist?

Who the hell do I think I am? But it's, I won't go into how I ended up at this dentist, but it was a fluke. It was anyways. But anyway, so I'm driving back from the dentist, and I know that on the way on like Rodeo Drive or something like that, or Beverly Drive, right in the middle of Beverly Hills where all the, you know, all the paparazzi stalk around for all the hot celebrities. There's a great, there's a great deli there called, I think it's called Nate and Al's in Beverly Hills. And it's tough, believe it or not, it's tough to find a good corned beef sandwich in Beverly Hills. And I loves me some corned beef sandwich now. I do.

Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. Well, now that's right. I just love a good corned beef sandwich. So this place does it right. They have a good corned beef sandwich. And so I pull up to the street that it's on, and parking is not easy in Beverly Hills. They are snobby with their parking

As you can imagine they're snobby with other things There's a little bit of a snooty, Beverly Hills attitude When it comes to parking Oh, ooh, you're going to park here In that, oh my God What is that? Is that a Rolls-Royce? We only drive Lomburgones here

So anyways, I know it's tough to park there and as I turn on to the street where the deli is, I get lucky right away. I see one empty spot, but I pull in and it's a meter, and it's one of these ones, 15 minutes. Who the hell parks for 15 minutes? What are you running into a public restroom,

taking a leak and coming out? Like, thanks for rubbing it in our faces. Yeah, 15 minutes. Sometimes waiting for your coffee at Starbucks can take more than 15 minutes. minutes. So anyways, here's what I do. I get out. I put about 700 quarters in the meter because it's Beverly Hills. So I think to park for 15 minutes was about $327. And I'm like, okay, here's me parked. There's the deli across the street, about seven stores down. It's about a minute and a half walk to the deli from my car. So I'm like, by the time I put the

coins in and I go and I make the order, then I'll come back, I'll sit in my car, and blah, blah, blah. So that's what I do. I put in my money. I walk over to the deli. I place my order, and already I've used up like nine or ten minutes of my scant 15 minutes. So now I've got to walk back to my car and make sure, because in Beverly Hills, they don't mess around. You break the rules. They're there. They're ready to get you. It's Beverly Hills, man.

They want order. There's rich people there. They want things under control. They can't have a parking cowboy walking around the street. Some kind of rebel parking cowboy who disobeys the meters. So I'm walking back. And as I'm walking back, there's two lovely Beverly Hills later. ladies standing at the meter in front of my meter.

I guess they had pulled into the parking spot in front of me while I was over-ordering my corned beef sandwich. And as I'm walking up approaching my car, I had to pass by them, and they're both really friendly. They go, oh, can you help us? And I went, yeah, what's going on, ladies? And they go, our credit card, can you get our credit card? And I'm like, what are you talking about?

And I don't know if where you live, you have the parking meter where you can slide the credit card in. I'm sure you do, unless you live in like Newfoundland out in the fish camps or something. But anyways, I said, yeah, what do you mean get your credit card? They go, well, with the parking meter, we stuck our credit card in. And I go, okay, yeah, that's what you have to do? And they go, but we can't get it out. And I go, what do you mean you can't get it out? Our nails are too long.

I looked at their fingers, and they were these beautiful Beverly Hills haughties, but their fingernails were about, I don't know, two inches long. Both of them had these long, fancy nails that probably cost them $800 a finger. And with their nails, they couldn't grasp their own credit card. and so now their credit card was in the slot on the parking meter and they successfully put it in but they had no way of pulling it out it was hilarious it was a Beverly Hills emergency 911 what's your emergency uh yes we can't get our credit card out it's stuck

we don't want our fingernails can't grab the and we can't help SOS help I mean it was it was comical I got to say it was freaking comical. I've never experienced something like that, but this was a legit thing. These women could not pull their credit card back out of the parking meter because if they tried to stick their fingers in, the nails would hit the actual meter and they couldn't put the balls of their finger on the card. Their nails were inhibiting them actually being able to touch their own credit card. So here comes Mr. Macho parking.

Cowboy, well, let me just get that out of there for you, ladies. I don't mind if I do. I pull it out. I hand it to them. And they could have been nicer. You know, I said earlier the Beverly Hills snobbery. These women were like, they acted like I just saved their child from drowning on the beach. They're like, oh, my God, you're the best.

She actually said that you're the best. And can you ever get tired of hearing someone saying you're the best? Oh, you're the best. Thank you so much. are you so kind? Thank you. I said, okay, good luck, ladies, and they waddled off. And I sat in my car for a few minutes, waiting for my delicious corned beef to get, you know, put together. And after a few minutes, I got out of my car. I had to reload my parking meter because 15 minutes goes in 15 minutes. And I go over, I get my sandwich, it's ready, I come back. And as I come back, and as I come

back, I now notice that the ladies' parking meter has expired. It's flashing red. It's like, whoop, who, whip, whip, whip, whip. And I'm like, oh, God, these poor ladies, and I, like I said, they're tight wads in Beverly Hills, man. Those parking guys are just, they're, they're on it. You don't mess around to Beverly Hills now, you hear me? So I was like, you know what, they were so nice. They were so cute. And I thought, I'd hate to see them get a ticket because they were in the 15-minute zone too. And I don't think two Beverly Hills women with fancy nails and fancy clothes are on Rodeo Drive looking to spend 15 minutes. I mean, this is where all the shops are, the high-end restaurants, the fancy expensive clothing stores. Forget it. If I were to

guess, and I did guess, two Beverly Hills ladies aren't just hanging around for 15 minutes somewhere. So I thought, at the very least, why not be a good Samaritan, why not do a good deed, and why not buy them another 15 minutes, just in case they don't make it back? You know, I don't want to see them pay an $80 ticket because they didn't have seven quarters. Seven quarters in a meter turns into an $80 ticket. Hello. So I was like, you know what, life's good, people are good,

those ladies were nice, they were cute, they were polite, they thanked me. Can you believe it? That's what really got me. A lot of people nowadays don't thank you for anything. Good Lord, I've taken people out for expensive lunches and dinners and nothing. Yeah, okay, see you later.

Um, okay. Uh, yeah. When do you want to do this again? Oh, when do I want to? Oh, okay, sure. So anyways, I, uh, I put some money in the meter. I filled it right to the top. Oh, what a, what a splurger I am.

I bought someone 15 minutes of meter time. Oh, and now suddenly I'm a good cat, pocking cowboy. And I felt good about it, you know? I thought, man, I'd want someone to do it for me. And I thought, are they going to come back and even notice? Are they going to see the little green light is flashing? Are they going to know that there's a fresh like 15 minutes in their meter? Are they going to think of me?

Are they going to think a little old me? Gee, I wonder if it was that handsome parking, meat, and cowboy, that put some quarters in our meter to save us from getting an $85 ticket. Golly gee, I hope it was him. So anyways, I found that kind of amusing that this is that maybe the only place you'd find some kind of 911 emergency like this

in Beverly Hills because the grizzly women didn't shave their nails down. Chick-ching! What's your emergency? Hello? Hello. Harland. My name is David.

I just saw you in Las Vegas tonight. Man, I've seen a lot of comedy here in Vegas over the years, but it's the first time I've seen you, and I laughed as hard tonight as I ever have in my life, man. I just wanted to tell you that to you, and you've been making me laugh for 25 years, and I just had such a great time, and I hope to, you know, see you next time you come through town, man. I love your comedy. Thanks for doing what you do, buddy. Take care. Bye-bye. Hello. Yo, yo, yo. What's up? Harlan. Just want to say, Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me.

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That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Big fan, big fan of yours, and I just want to say, you're a beast on the stage, you're so hilarious, thanks for everything that you do. Keep doing it, keep doing it, you know?

Oh, man, thank you guys for the shoutouts for my stand-up comedy, and as we start the new year, check my website, harlemwilums.com, and my new, my latest dates for touring are up. I think I'm over in Florida, and I'm in Texas, and I'm in, who knows where else I am, but check around, go on my site, and I look forward to coming to your town or your city, and hopefully you have as good an experience as these fine gentlemen had. Thank you so much for the accolades, the kind words, gentlemen. And, yeah, every time I go up on stage, man, I try. try to just knock it over the wall and make you laugh as hard and as long as you can. So it's very nice to get the feedback, and I love nothing more than making you guys laugh.

So let's keep rolling down through this podcast here and get the chuckles gone, huh? Please go away and leave me alone. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Harland Highway Celebrity Races. I'm Charles Parsley. Today we have wonderful celebrities. First off, Alec Baldwin, outspoken actor and activist, and President Joe Biden. He will be here, our sitting president, and Arianda Grande, the rock superstar. They're nestled into the gate.

They're waiting for the bell to start. And there they go. They're off. There they go. They're off. charging down the track, all three of them neck and neck. Alec Baldwin having trouble keeping up with his beer gut, bouncing up and down inside of his Pepsi Cola T-shirt.

And there goes Joe Biden, Joe Biden taking an early lead, but just took a left turn. He's walked into the crowd. He's asking somebody if they know where the nearest shell station is. He looks completely lost and out of sort. Arianda Grande, charging down the track in her. her knee-high, thigh-high boots. She can barely make a step without falling down. Her hair on the back of her hand

actually looks like the rear end of a horse with a giant pony tail. And now Alec Baldwin huffing and puffing down the track. It looks like he's got a Starbucks coffee in his hand. He's making his way to the stands. He looks like he's asking someone in the stands. He's asked someone for the handgun. He's asked someone for the handgun.

He's pointing it. He's looking at it. He's pulled the table. Trigger, he's just shot someone in the stands with their own handgun. And now Joe Biden. Joe Biden has wandered into the crowd. He's asking people if they know where the light bulb department is in Walmart. He thinks he's in a Walmart shopping for various items. And Arianda Grande is taking advantage of this lull.

Well, the other two are wandering around in the seat. Arianda Grande is taking huge steps. Her high heels paying off, and she's stepping through the horse manure. quite brilliantly. And now, and now it looks like Alec Baldwin. He's asked another, he's asked another, one of the people in the audience for a rifle. He's now got a rifle in his arm. He's opened it up. He's checked the chamber. It looks like there's no bullets. He points it at the, he points, he shoots, and there are bullets. There are bullets in the chamber. It looks like he's just killed his second or third individual. And now Joe Biden, Joe Biden, it looks like he's, he's

hailing a taxi. He's hailing a taxi, even though there are no taxis. Joe Biden looks lost. He looks, he's sitting down and he's bounding up and down on the ground with his hands, like he's playing in a sandbox. And now Arianda Grande, Arianda Grande's coming down the track. She's walking like Frankenstein or some kind of epileptic crab. She's having trouble in her knee-high, thigh-high boots. They're sticking into the ground. Her hair is jostling back and forth. But she's so cute, the crowd is cheering her on. This woman could eat a rotten corpse in the middle of the forest, and she'd still be cute.

And now, Alec Baldwin has pulled out a machine gun. He's got a machine gun, and he's spraying the crowd with live rounds of ammunition. Alec Baldwin is killing people by the dozens, if not by the hundreds, if falling. He pretends he doesn't think it's working. He thinks the gun's a prop, but it's actually killing people, and now Joe Biden. Joe Biden is taking his clothes off. He's wandering around in circles. He's flapping his arms like an artistic child lost in a cornfield.

Oh, my goodness, he's drooling, and here comes Arianda Grotto. She's knocked him over, she's knocked over the President of the United States. She stepped on him with her high-heeled boots. She's poking holes inside of him, and Joe Biden thinks he's in a massage parlor. He's asking for more eucalyptus oil. He doesn't realize he's being trapped by the cute paul. superstar and now Alec Baldwin. Alec Baldwin has pulled out some live hand grenades he thinks they're prop grenades he's been in too many movies he's lobbing the grenades

into the crowd and there's an explosion bodies flying every there's another explosion legs and arms flying all over and now they're heading toward the finish line here they come here they come it's a Rianda Grande Alec Baldwin it looks like he's turned a gun on himself he shot himself and Joe Biden has made his way into the snack bar and he's actually serving for dogs and popcorn. He doesn't realize he's the president

and Arianda Grande has crossed the finish line. Crossed the finish line in her boots so high they are now coming up to the bottom of her breasts. There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. What a wonderful race here today

at the Holland Highway celebrity races. Erionda Grande our winner, I'm Charles Parsley. Hello? Hello? Duncan von Gringer down here in Charleston, South Carolina, hey. Getting paid on Friday.

Can't wait to pick up the new books. See? Got a lot of short stories in there for you. Can't wait to enjoy them and help it broaden my imagination. nation, hey. Gotta be fun time. Gotta go right now. Got a do-be staring me right in the face, hey.

You gotta light it up and maybe come out with my own short adventure, you know what I mean? It's uh, love talking to you guys, and I hope you have a good day, hi. Okay there. Hey, Duncan. Thanks for calling there. Hi. My goodness. Well, if you're wondering what Duncan's talking about, about picking up my book, yes, this is just another one of my endeavors that you might enjoy if you're a fan of what I do. I just recently put out a new book. It's called Don't Look Under the Bad. And it's a collection of short stories. The whole book's about 300 people. pages long or close to it. And it's not comedy. These are kind of fiction, science fiction, kind of science fantasy, drama, all kinds of genre. And, you know, these are stories that I've been working hard at over the years. They're short stories.

And there's a collection of them in my book called Don't Look Under the Bed. And I'm actually very excited because I've never released. a piece of fiction before, something that's not really comedic. And so I've been a little trepidacious about releasing it out into the world because I'm like, well, this isn't really my lane. But then I'm like, well, if I'm inspired to sit here and write this stuff and it's coming out and it's flowing through my fingertips and out of my brain and onto the page, then I guess it isn't my wheelhouse, right?

so if you guys are interested in picking it up you can go to my website harlem williams.com and then right on the home page you'll see a little blurb for my book and you just click and you can order a hard copy which will be delivered to you or you can order a digital download copy for your Kindle or whatever you read your books on digitally and i got to tell you there's a few reviews on the page. It'll take you to Amazon.com. That's where the book gets shipped from. And you can scroll right down to the bottom and read some of the reviews and see what other people have thought of the material. And yeah, I'm kind of proud of it. And I hope you like it. I hope you want to read it, aye. But it's definitely something different from me. And I'll be excited to get your

feedback if you do end up ordering the book don't look under the bad uh please leave a review write a review on amazon and be honest i can take it if you hate it say it if you like it hate it if you like it say it if you love it say it um i don't like any BS so uh however you respond is cool with me but uh there's some really cool stories one of them's kind of a real scary kind of horror story, and then one of them's kind of a weird fantasy story that takes place in the Roman Coliseum. And then there's another way out there kind of story called Ron about a really downtrodden guy who tries to commit suicide in the most unusual way. And I think you'll find the story's intriguing and exciting, and hopefully they evoke some kind of

emotional response and reaction in you. And yeah, if you're interested, check it out. They're not expensive. So go in and download yours today at harlomwilliams.com. Don't look under the bed, hard copy or digital. And I look forward to your feedback should you decide to get it. Hi. Hi, I'm Dr. Debbie Timer, and I'm your life coach.

I am my baby's mother's sister's daughter, and it's time to get a life, your life. Hi, I'm Dr. Debbie Thimer, and welcome. We're at the beginning of a new year, and I just wanted to do a little shout out to all my listeners and say, let's go get them. Let's have a strong year. Let's chase our dreams. Let's chase our desires. Let's empower ourselves.

Let's not be afraid to travel down new pathways and, cut our way through the jungle, the jungle of our own inhibitions. Doesn't that sound wonderful? And today we're going to be taking calls from all over the country and listening to stories of inspiration and hope and talking about what your future holds. If you have any goals set for yourself or any predictions you'd like to make,

this hour we're going to be sharing with all our listeners and seeing if we can come up with a plan to make their lives better so let's go right to Duluth, Minnesota and it looks like we have Sharon on the line.

Hello Sharon, how are you and happy New Year? Oh, hello! Hello, child, how are you? Oh my goodness, it's Dr. Debbie's Timer? Hello, this is Dr. Debbie. Oh, my God. Is it Thimer? Yes, Dr. Debbie Timer.

Oh, my God. I'm listening to every night, Dr. Debbie Seimer. Okay, well, everyone gets a little excited when they first get on the phone line, but... I've never talked to a thimer before. Okay, I'm not a thimer. I'm a professional psychologist and a life coach, and why don't we turn the phone? focus around on you. On me, Seimer? Yes, on you, child. Let's talk about what you see in your future.

Well, I see talking to you because I'm on the phone and I'm talking to you. So if you want to know my future, Dr. Debbie Seimer, it's talking to you. Okay, I know we're talking together and that's, you're stating the obvious. But let's move past that and talk about. goals you've set for yourself for the New Year Child. Oh, thank you, Dr. Debbie. Well, one of the things I wanted to do that I've never really done is I've wanted to run. Um, okay, how do you mean run?

You know, like in a marathon or in a competitive situation? Have you ever run, Dr. Debbie Seimer? Well, we're not talking about me, child. We're talking about you, and that's a very noble answer. ambition to be a runner that takes a lot of dedication, a lot of commitment, and a lot of outer and inner strength. Oh, thank you, Dr. Debbie, but I just, I've never done it and I've always wanted to. Well, this could be your year, I'm glad you called, and what we'll do is we'll motivate you to get up off the couch or up out of your chair, and maybe you could enter a marathon or something

like that, or a long distance run. Um, I don't know about that, Dr. Debbie Farmer. Well, I mean, you've got to start somewhere, child. Well, I don't know, Zimer, if I should. Well, this is why you've called, and I'm going to help you. Get over the proverbial hump, if you will. Um, what do you mean, hump? Like, on the back of a camel, Dr. Zimer?

No, it's a metaphor. and it means to get over a hump that's blocking your path. Oh, so there's like a camel in front of me? No, there's not a camel in front of you. It's an invisible barrier. Oh, my God, there's an invisible camel in front of me. Hi-ha! Okay, let's not do the giggling.

Let's focus on, why don't we just back it up a little? So now I'm backing up. over the camel in the middle of the road, Dr. Debbie Seimer? Okay, there's no fucking camel. Oh my goodness, you swear at me, Dr. Debbie? Well, you're getting a little, you're agitating me a little, because one of the keys, and if you're going to be a runner child, you have to listen, because you're going to have to listen for the starting gun.

Oh, okay. Ha, ha, he, ye, ha. Stop the fucking laughing. You fucking dillweed! Wow, what's Dr. Seimer! Now listen, if you want to be a runner, all you have to do is run. But I can, Dr. Deby, Seimer! Yes, you can, and that's the problem.

You've been telling yourself your whole life, you can't run, you can't run. But I really can, Dr. Debbie! Yes, you can, child. No, I can. Well, if you'd stop the fucking giggling, fucking giggling, and get off your fucking chair and run, you little shit fuck. Oh, Dr. Debbie, I have no legs. I beg your pardon, child?

Um, I have no legs. Are you telling me you've been on this phone call the whole time and you have no legs? No, Dr. Debbie. I live on a farm and my daddy ran off of them in a tractor when I was nine, and I have no legs. And that's why I want to be a runner. Stop the fucking giggling. You blow out dynamite, fucknard. Oh, Dr. Debbie is swearing at me.

I'm sorry, child, but you've got me very amped up. Now, why didn't you tell me at the beginning you don't have legs? Well, I do have legs, but I have sweet nublins. What, pardon me? Sweet nublins. Dr. Debbie, Thimer, you know when your legs have been cut off and all you've got less are sweet nublins? They're not called sweet nublins. They're called stumps.

Oh, Dr. Debbie, kind of like when there was one in the middle of the road on the camel's back, remember? Just a minute ago, Thimer, you said there was a proverbial stump? I said, Hump, you've got to start listening, you fucknard, fucking whalebone. fucking Nordfard. Dr. Demi, you're raising your voice of me. Now, listen, are you telling me you don't have legs?

I don't have legs, but I have nubbins, sweet nubbing lobens, and maybe I could grow some legs, Dr. Fimer. What do you mean? Grow legs, child. You know how, like a polywog?

Like I could grow polylog legs, and I could jump around like a polylog, Fymer. Would you, You're not going to grow Polywog legs unless you live in a swamp. I want Polywag legs,

timer, and you can't stop me. You cannot grow polywog legs. You fucknard, swamp thing, fuck-tard. Stop the fucking laughing before your father backed his tractor up on your fucking braces-filled fucking mouth.

You fucking royal fucknard. Oh, Dr. Debbie, I want I want us to open a restaurant called Rub and Nubbins. I'm sorry? I want to open a restaurant for people with no legs called Nubs and Rubbins. Nubs and Rubbins. Yeah, it's a rib restaurant, Thimer.

Do you eat ribs when you're not swearing at your collars? Your fucking tomato paste sucking whore? Child, I'm not going to get into this with you. I want to open a bar. called nubs and bubbles and serve drinks. You're not going to... That's not what you should be doing with your nublins. How about I come over there and rub my nubs all over your face, Thimer?

Child, you have to settle down. Fuck you, I'm going to put mayonnaise on my nubs and come over and squish my fucking nubs into your fucking eyes, Thimer. E! Stop the fucking laughing. Get her the fuck off. I can't handle it. this fucknard and her fucking giggling from the North Pole.

E! Thymer, I'm going to rub my fat, greasy, nubbins all over your fucking eye socket, you fucking Seimer 49er! E! E! Hang up on this fuck knock. Oh, whoa. Roger, that did not go well.

Did she hang up on her? Wow, it sounds like they hung up. You know, that kind of sucks, Dr. Debbie Timer, was trying to spread a little knowledge, a little insight, share her expertise with the world, and I guess she just didn't hit it off with that first caller there. Oh, man, that sucks. I was excited to hear more and see how Dr. Debbie was going to kind of help people get their new year started, but I guess not.

I guess not. Okay. Well, speaking of having issues with words and communicating, can I share a story with y'all that this is like, what are the times we're living in? What are the times we are living in right now? Okay, as you know, I do stand-up comedy. I did a show the other night. And, you know, a lot of comics are very sensitive now about getting on stage and saying the wrong. thing and getting canceled and, you know, triggering people and saying a word that might offend somebody and blah. There's a lot of comics that are doing that. And there's other comics that are just sticking true to the art form. And I put myself in that category. I'm not, I'm not dancing around anybody. But that being said, I'm not really an abrasive comic. So maybe it's a little easier for me. But boy, oh, boy, have we become so freaking sensitive?

It almost made my stomach turn. I was doing a show just the other night, and I started like improvising a bit. I was just talking about something, and I was joking about picking up one of the audience members and my truck, and I was going to drive them to the mall, and we were going to get an orange Julius together, just making it up having a silly old time.

And then I kind of just, as I'm improvising along, I say to one of the guys, talking to him to the crowd. I go, do you know what color my truck is? And the guy goes, no. And I go, well, it's red. And he goes, okay, you know, no problem. And then a minute later or two, I started talking to some woman in the crowd. And I go, oh, hey, ma'am, what about you? Do you like my red truck? She goes, not really. I don't like red. And I go, really? You don't like red? Why don't you like red? And no word of a lie, this is what she said. She goes, well, you know, it's kind of aggressive.

I went, what? It's very aggressive. Red's very aggressive. And I'm up there doing my show, ladies and gentlemen. But the subtext playing in my head is just like, oh my God, somebody dropkick this person. Like, are you serious now colored? Where did you get trained to say that? What society do you live in where now colors have personalities?

Well, red's very aggressive, and green's very passive, and purple's just, I don't know, I think purple's sort of violent, and I don't know, dark blue is rage. It's just rage, and just give me some yellow so I can have some sentimental happiness. I mean, good Lord. I almost didn't believe it. I had to ask her like two or three times. Wait, what? And then the joke is there was some guy in the crowd sitting off stage right to me who had a COVID face mask on and guess what color it was, red.

So I kind of turned the conversation. I went, oh, well, look at this guy over here, the rapist. Look at the, he's wearing red. The rapist over here. How aggressive is the rapist? I mean, so suddenly a guy's wearing, my point was, because the guy's wearing a red face mask, now he's aggressive. We've given, we've associated emotions and feelings to colors. Oh, my God.

It just, you know what? It turns my stomach, man. Because all this weird crap has been fed to us through the media and through politicians and from social workers and people like Dr. Debbie Timers. I mean, didn't this all start when about a decade ago or five or six years ago, somehow teachers started, weren't allowed to use red when they're testing children's papers? Like they couldn't put a red X or a red F or an A or because red was too aggressive. Red hurt the children's feelings? Oh, my God, guys, girls and guys.

Can we stop with this? Can we stop with, I mean, what's next? Volumes or two? I'm talking too aggressive. I'm talking to aggressive. I'm talking to aggressive. Like when people can just slap anything onto anything, you know? Yeah, he picked me up on my date. He pulled up, he was the nicest guy. We've been talking online for about three months. He checked all the boxes. He's financially stable. He's emotionally stable. He's emotionally stable. He loves his family. He's got his own house. He's got a great job.

He pulled up to my car, Cindy. You're not going to believe this. No, I'm going to say it. He pulled up to my house in a red car. Oh, my God, I couldn't even go out the front door. I had to text him and tell him to be on his way. It's not going to work. He was just so aggressive.

He pulled up. He rolled to a slow stop. And he looked out his window. And all I saw was rage. It was like just rage. Oh, my God. Why did he have to ruin everything, Cindy? Holy fuck.

Oh, God. So, yeah, there's that. Can we just all, like, get back to being normal and just freaking relax? Oh, look at the beautiful rainbow. I can't look at it. Part of it's rad. It's so aggressive. Oh, my God, it's ruining my day.

But it's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. Not to me. It's going to rape me. It's a rape bow, not a rainbow. Oh, rape, rape, rape, oh, my God. Let's just all chill out. Let's stop repeating bullshit we hear from other people and media and whoever's saying all this crap. Let's not perpetuate their bullshit. Let's not give it fertile ground to germinate in. let's not play their bullshit forward please

and I just yelled please and if that please could have been a color yes I know it would have been rad it would have been a red please please oh my god did you hear this please it was so rad so red bordering on purple violent oh my god rape bow

rape bow Oh, yeah, over the rainbow, way up high, there's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby. Oh, yes, somewhere over the rainbow. Don't you feel like we're all kind of Dorothy right now? With all the chaos of the COVID and the lockdown, and then everything's open, and then the levels spike again, and you've got to get a vaccination. Then you've got to get another one. Then you've got to get another one.

Then you've got to get a booster. Then you've got to get some jamba juice injected in you and some orange Julius and some Newman's old lemonade and some Brago spaghetti sauce. And who knows what else? Don't you just feel like Dorothy, waiting for everything to end? You'll see everything new over the rainbow. Somewhere over the rainbow, COVID ends. Somewhere over the rainbow, I can start to live again.

Stupid viruses go away, and everybody, oh, I mean, listen, the birds. How'd you just wait for it all to clear up? Somewhere. Little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow. right if the little bluebird can fly up into the rainbow and over the rainbow where everything's everything's safe and everything's fresh and new and normal again then why oh why can i oh at least we got the harland highway we don't have to go over it but we can ride along it Yeah, that's right.

Hello? Hello. Hey, Harlan, how you doing, man? Anyway, buddy, I just want to know if you got any of those shirts with that damn fly holding that martini. I really like that one. I'll see you're out of stock. I am Benny the Burger Guy. Talk to you later, Harlan.

Yeah. Wow, Benny the Burger Guy. That needs to be a restaurant. Forget about rub and nubbins or nubs and bubbles. Dr. Debbie Timmer's collars idea. Let's get a restaurant called Benny the Burger Guy. I'd eat a burger there. But anyways, Benny the Burger Guy was asking about my shirts.

And for those of you that don't know it, I do a lot of art. I do a lot of drawing. I do a lot of painting. I created a little hit. TV show called Puppy Dog Pals on Disney Jr. You know, little things like that. And what I do is I draw on t-shirts.

I literally get brand new t-shirts and I hand-draw on them with sharpies and colored sharpies. And I create these little works of art that you can wear and own and purchase. And Benny the Burger guy was talking about one in particular shirt that I drew where. was a great big orange spider coming down from its web descending on a fly that was standing there very casually holding a martini glass and not looking frightened of this menacing spider at all. Now, what we used to do up into a few months ago is I would draw these shirts, one-of-a-kind shirts, and you could buy them in my web store at Harlanwilliams.com, and that was it. You owned the only drawing that ever existed of that shirt.

But what happened is people like Benny the Burger guy were like, oh my God, I really love that design. Really? There's only one. I can't. So now what we do is I still sell the original shirt. Okay. There's only one of a kind. There's only one that's actually hand drawn by me. Right on the shirt. I draw right on the fabric of the shirt. Okay. And that shirt is for sale and it's more expensive because it's an

original piece of art. But now what we do, because of Benny the Burger Guy guys, we now offer prints of shirts at a much reduced price. And obviously it's not the original, but you're getting a print. At least you're getting a visual of the original shirt. So, unfortunately, this didn't start until after the martini glass spider shirt was sold. So we don't have prints of that one, Benny the Burger guy, but I promise you we have a really cool shirt. I'm putting new ones in all the time.

They sell out pretty fast because I think people really like it that they can own an original piece of art and actually wear it around. They look really cool and they're really unique. And if you're tired of wearing brand names and logos and all that crap, well, I call it wearable art. Buy yourself a Harland Williams original wearable art t-shirt. and you can find them at harlem williams.com go in and take a look and now benny the burger guy I hope you find a new design that you like but we now do prints of the original shirts

and not only do we put them on shirts but we can put them on a coffee mug we can put them on a canvas so you can hang it on your wall uh we can put them on a phone case we can put them on a hat we can put them on just about anything so we've really stepped it up for the new year and it's going to be really cool. So go to harlandwilliams.com and we're actually opening a whole new store just for all this type of merchandise. I'll tell you about that and a future podcast. But for now, harlomwilliams.com and check out my homemade shirts. And if you join my Instagram feed, I just posted a little video of me actually drawing one of the shirts. So you can actually see the process of how I do it.

And you can watch me draw one of these shirts, and they're actually quite elaborate a lot of them. I put a lot of time and effort into them. That's why the originals are a little expensive, but they're worth it, man. People are loving them. So go to harlomwilliams.com and Benny the Burger Guy. Go to check out the store and get me a burger ready.

And, yeah, thank you. I'm glad you like the shirts. And hope you find one you like, Benny the Burger Guy. I am Benny the Burger Guy. What I'm talking about is, hey, it's a new year. Let's go out and do it, okay? Let's put all the demons and the negativity and the failures from last year. Not that it was a failure.

I mean, I'm sure you had your triumphs and your victories, and it might have been your best year ever, but I'm just saying anything that went down last year. And it wasn't good And it brought you down And it made you feel like Oh God, life Well, it's a new beginning

Let's put on a shiny new hat And let's go out and get them, gang Let's go out and get them It's 2022 And it's a fresh beginning So that's my message To close out the show just make it happen this year

power through plow on through put the pedal to the metal and don't let anything get in your way and if it does get in your way swerve around it and keep going nothing can slow you down but you

and if you hit some big obstacles well change course if you bump into someone that wants to impede your progress move away from them If something's not working, stop doing it and figure out how to do it right and move forward. And that's what we do in life. And that's the closing statement for today's podcast.

I want to wish you all a very, very happy, happy new year. Sending you all the best. Let's have some fun. Let's have some laughs. Let's be creative. Let's be smart. Let's just go out and live our best life. So from me to you, happy new year.

And until next time, chicken chamee, baby? I am Benny the Burger Guy.