The Harland Highway - 2nd MARCH PODCAST, Whaaaaaaaat???

Episode Date: March 22, 2022

Yup, I was in the mood for another podcast - this one features Prof, Rutherford grimes on the Ukraine War. Instagram morons. A voicemail from Aunt Ruthy. Enjoy! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, it's me, your handsome little friend with the bow tie standing in the corner eating a raw pumpkin. What? It's me, Harland Williams. Welcome to the Harland Highway podcast. Yes, indeed. What a show we have for you today. There will be a Harland Highway question of the day that I'm sure it's a topic you'll be very familiar with. It has to do with people almost killing themselves. Yeah. So it's a pretty intense question of the day. Also, we're going to be talking to Professor Rutherford Grimes. He's a professor up at Berkeley and we're going to be discussing the impact of the war in Ukraine on people, on society, on culture. It's an intense thing that's happening right now. And so we thought we'd bring in Professor Rutherford Grimes to

help us get some clarity and some perspective on the whole event. Also, speaking of people in our lives, my Aunt Ruthie left a voicemail on my voicemail machine, so we'll be listening to that later on towards the end of the show. And then stick around at the very end of the show or I have some cool announcements for you, for stuff that's fun that you can do and see and find out about, some stand-up shows, etc. So here we go. It is the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat. Oh, wait. Was you a great big fat person?

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. any years of therapy. Hey, Harlan, it's Stephanie from Denver. Just do me. You might want to think twice before seeking your penis in there. Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams.

Okay, let's start the show with something I don't have very much knowledge about personally. The Ukraine War, man. now I normally I'm a student of the news I watch I used to watch the news religiously almost to a detriment maybe I think I watched the news possibly like two to three hours a day you know I'm just always interested in what's going on in the world and a little bit fascinated and but I started to come to the conclusion that it wasn't healthy and I started to realize that the news media and all the people in it are very disingenuous, and I don't think they're looking out for our best

interests, and I think they're spinning their own narratives, and they're creating their own storylines, and they're trying to get us to think the way they want us to think, regardless of which side of the spectrum you're on. And I just thought to myself, why am I allowing these people into my head? Why am I dedicating valuable hours of my life watching these reticings? people who are doing nothing but really fear mongering and stirring the pot and I just I just turned away from all of it. So I stopped watching the news probably over a year ago, maybe a year and a half even. I just like cold turkey stopped. I even went so far as to get rid of my

cable television. I'm like, I don't want to watch it anymore. And I got to say my head is so much clearer. And it hasn't affected my life. I don't walk around feeling like an idiot. Like I'm not knowledgeable. I don't walk around feeling like I'm a space ace. Like, oh, what's going on in the world? It's like, you know what? I don't really care. And enough people out there in life love to talk and get into it so that you pick up little bits and pieces. But it's almost kind of fun too when people like, hey, did you hear about this thing and blah, blah, blah? Did you hear about the story and you go, no, I couldn't tell you. I don't watch the news. And they're like, what? And I go, yeah, and then their first reaction is like, what are you crazy? And then they

kind of take a breath. And then they kind of follow it up with, what's that feel like? Does it feel good? Does it? Do you feel different? And I go, yeah, I do. And you can see the wheels spinning. And all of a sudden, in their head, you can tell they're probably thinking, maybe I should stop watching the damn news. Now, if you really need the news, if you're really like, okay, there's nuclear missiles coming in or there's someone in my neighborhood with a machete, well, you can tune in and find the news you need when you need it. But what I cut out was all the just incoming non-stop networks and social media and

internet sites just looking to fill the airspace because that's what they do. The news is 24-7. So they've got to keep throwing coal into the fire to keep the steam engine going. And I realized a lot of that stuff's just filler and they don't care and they're just churning it out and they need it to be dramatic and who knows what. I'm not even going to waste my time breaking it down for you. You'd be your own judge. You want to keep watching the news, go for it.

But it was just starting to make me feel dirty and slimy and just uncomfortable. I started to feel like I was living in a world I didn't want to be in. You know, every time you hear these people talk, they're yelling at someone or blaming someone or this or that. It just became too damn ugly. So that being said, with the enormity of the war in Ukraine, I am aware that there's one going on. I honestly don't know all the details. I don't know what triggered it.

I don't know how many troops are there. I don't know where they're positioned, yada, yada, yada. I am in the dark about the news about Ukraine, except for the fact that it's flared up. I've heard about it. It's tragic. You know whenever there's war, there's lives being lost, there's relationships being destroyed. And I'm talking between people and communities and countries and borders and all the rest of it. And since I'm not really in the know and I'm not really knowledgeable,

and even if I was following it, I'm not really steeped in the expertise of, you know, families and communities, and subdivisions and, you know, the psychology and the infrastructure of all that. That's not in my kind of pay grade right there. I don't understand that in depth, and maybe a lot of us don't. But there is a very knowledgeable guy who we've had on the show before, Professor Rutherford Grimes out of Berkeley in Northern California, who is an African-American professor who studies African-American culture, African American history, African American psychology, all that stuff.

And he is an expert in urban geography, which under that umbrella comes community and family and all the rest of it, all the things that kind of bind us human beings together. And so we were able to reach out to him and arrange for him to call in. and he was gracious enough to step up. And so without further ado, I think to get more clarity and to probe deeper into this horrible tragedy and get into the mindset

of how people are functioning and reacting and coping, let's get him on the phone. Roger tells me that we've got him. And let's just get him in and I'll start asking him questions. And I know he's a wealth of knowledge. so he'll fill us in. And let's just go to that call right now,

Professor Rutherford Grimes, Professor of African-American culture and history up in Berkeley. Here we go. Hello, Professor. Are you there, sir? Excuse me that. Professor Grimes, Rutherford Grimes? Yeah, Mr. Warram, that the professor.

Professor Grimes here, and once again, sir, it is a noble and honorable pleasure to be on your programs. Well, we're honored to have you here, and, you know, your vault of knowledge that you have on social issues and the way societies are configured and the way communities operate. I mean, this is invaluable. And so to have you on the show to, I guess, for lack of a better term, inform us of how, you know, the society of the Ukraine is being affected by this. And may I say tormented or tortured? Well, those are both a very, very accurate term, Mr. William. But, you know, the world rotates in a very peculiar. way, and some would

take a perspective that the world is a cruel place, it's a lonely, lonely place where, where foul deeds can come to your doorstep and knock you down in life. Did you understand what I'm

saying, Mr. Williams? Well, yeah, I think we all fear, I'll simplify it in my own terms, if you don't mind, uh, professor. Yes, please do. I would say, you know, just bad luck.

We're afraid of bad luck, and not to say a giant war is bad luck, but, you know, I think we all live in fear that one day things will just go wrong in our lives and on a big scale. Absolutely. I can roll with the term bad luck. Obviously, as a professor of psychology and urban studies and so forth, Mr. Williams, actually, the terminology is a bit simple. It's kind of a layman's term, but I would like to go a little deeper down into the strata, if you don't mind.

Yes, please, sir. That's why we wanted you here to analyze all that's going on. There's so much. Well, first of all, a human being are the very fragile creatures. You know, we can posture. We can point our nuclear weapons up to the sky. We can stand in the street in a ball with our chest out, Mr. William. But at the end of the day, the human spirit and the human inside is as delicate as a flower blowing out in a field.

We cower, we close up when the sun goes down, when the light goes away, and we're very sensitive to change, just as the flowers, is sensitive to changes in the weather. We're very sensitive to any type of change. We may not show it, Mr. William, but we are delicate. You know, that's a great term, Professor Grimes, and, you know, I think we forget how delicate we are, you know, and I think maybe sometimes we posture up, as you would say,

and we walk around strutting and thinking we're in charge of the world and nature and events that unfold and... And nothing could be further from the truth. It's a false sense of security of Mr. Williams. Well, especially when you're talking about what we brought you on here for, sir, is the theater of war. Well, I'm glad you brought up the term, theater, Mr. William.

That's a key word. Okay, good. Well, I'm glad I can contribute to the conversation in some way. Now, if I could focus on the word of the theater, because when you talk about the theater, Mr. Williams, what are we talking about, really? Well, in this sense, we're talking about the theater of war. I'm talking about it, wrote it back, bring it back to its foundation, the theater. as we know it, the traditional theater.

Oh, I see. Okay, so you want to start from the beginning. I guess the traditional theater or theater is a stage. It's a stage where we come and watch events unfold. Absolutely. And if I could just make a reference, sir, that I think is important to the conversation. Absolutely, sir. I am a student of a theater. I've spent many night in New York City on Broadway.

I've seen everything from Annie to Cats to the Phantom of the Opera and Les Miserables I saw three times. Wow, wow, it's okay. And when you're talking about theater, you have to understand Mr. Williams at theater don't run if it don't have one essential thing. Okay. And what I'm talking about is the actor. Right, the actor, of course. If you don't have the actor, you don't have anyone to deliver the lines.

Absolutely, Mr. William. And there's one actor in particular that I'd like to mention now if I could. Absolutely, Professor Grimes. There's a wonderful African-American actor. He's won Oscars, he's been nominated for all the other. name a Fulest Whitaker. Now, you ever hear this actor? Well, okay, yes.

I think you've maybe mentioned them on the show before when we've had you on, sir. Yeah, that's right. Forrest Whitaker. Now, oh, my goodness. Now, talk about a talented, skilled individual. Well, okay, but I'd like to not veer onto that and stay on the theater of war and the Ukraine. Well, now, let me use... him if you will channel to a forced Whitaker because I don't know if you're aware of Mr. William, but

Hey everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as you. your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast.

Don't wait, BetterSex is just a clickaway. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adameneve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy, or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast.

So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Forced Whitaker in a red. look like he'd been through war. Oh, okay, so you are relating this to war.

How has Forrest Whitaker look like he's been in a war, sir? You mean psychologically? No, I mean physically, now, if you were to look at Forrest Whitaker's left eye, now, please don't start with Forrest Whitaker's left eye, sir. Now, I have to do this to stress the point. It's very important if you were to look at Forrest Whitaker left eye. I don't know if you are for me, but there's a slab of meat come hanging down on his left eye. You can't tell if that left eye is the sun fading behind the horizon on a full moon, high in the sky, in the middle of the night now.

If we could just... And so if you look at the Forst Whitaker left eye and you talk about the horror of war, you have to ask yourself, was Forced Whitaker in a way? war and did you ever see the movie zero dark 40 mr williams yes zero dark 40 the guy who diffused landmines and grenades exactly now you have to ask yourself if forest winnaker uh you know fell on top of a landmine and and the force of the explosion blew his his left eyelid up and just but you know made it roll up in his in his top of his eye have you ever seen Have you ever seen it on a window, Mr. Williams, when you pull the blind with the chain and it roll up?

And you wonder if maybe a lamb mine didn't blow up and force, Whitaker, left eye, and the meat on his eye just rolled up like a window dressing type of thing? Sir, if we, I'm sorry, but can we really bring it back to the Ukraine? Well, the horror of war, Mr. Williams, I'm trying to get to the. the root foundation, because what war is, is horror. Can we agree on that? Well, yes, it is. It's horror. And I think we would have to agree to Ford Whitaker left eye is a horror.

Am I, am I, am I, straying off the track and saying that? Well, sir, he's got a bit of a deformed left eyelid, but I don't know that it's very fair to keep referencing it and kind of overblowing the physical appearance of the left eye. Well, when your left eye, like Fos Riddaker left eye, look like, you know, look like, you know, someone peeled a lobster tail and stuck it to the top of your eyebrow, or it looked like you're at the Benihanna

with a Japanese cookie, he chop up the shrimp and flip it all around. It looked like the chef, he flip a shrimp right on on Fawes-Wittaker's left. eye, just hanging there like all pink and look like it got a tail on it, a big jumbo tiger shrimp hanging on fours, Whitaker left eye, the bigger bread. Sir, if we could not get, get off the seafood, how are people in the Ukraine supposed to adapt to going from regular everyday life to now suddenly there's bombs dropping in the air and there's shrapnel flying everywhere and people are getting wounded? Well, listen, bring me to my point.

Now, that is an element of war when you can trick the enemy. Have you ever heard that term, trick the enemy? Well, yeah, of course. Well, you know, let's say we drop Forrest Whitaker into the middle of the Ukraine. Can we leave him out of it? Well, now, I'm trying to make a point. Let's say we drop Forge Whitaker in the middle of the Ukraine, and people are walking down the street, refugee style.

They got no place to go. They got no bread to eat. And at the front of the line is Falls Whitaker. Okay. And all of a sudden, as they're walking through the destitution of the fallout of war, they run into a line of Russian shoulders, heavily armed, heavily fortified, Mr. Williams. Okay, that sounds scary. And there's nowhere around them, these Russian soldiers have been all.

ordered to mow down the Ukrainians with live round of ammunition like dogs in the street. Yeah, this is horrible. And so how do you trick the enemy? Here's what you do. You propose Whitaker at the front of the line, and he walked up and he stopped flapping the left eye up and down at the soldiers. Wait, what? That's right. You ever get a bug in your eye, Mr. William?

and they'd open and close, real fat just flapping. Okay. Well, it falls with it to walk up to these Russian soldiers with evil in their heart, and he stopped flapping his eye up and down, you know, just almost slapping it up and down, like a couple of sides of beef swinging around in the back of a frozen meat truck going down the highway with speed bumps all over it. I mean, just picture those giant sides of beef inside the frozen,

refrigerated truck is swinging all around, slapping on each other. You ever hear the sound of meat slapping, Mr. William? Would you please, Sir, Professor Rutherford, Grimes? We can't keep directing something as big as is as serious as war back to Forrest Whitaker's left eye. Now, can we please... Mr. William, Grimes, I know this is hard to talk about. I know, and that's probably why you heard someone like...

me on your show, a specialist. But war is not easy, and war causes tears. But think of this, think of the tears coming out of Falls Whitaker's left eye. Now, for you and me, they just drip down like little, little tiny streams of water down your cheek. But imagine Fall Whitaker left eye starting to cry. Now, you ever seen a sprinkler on a front lawn in the middle of summer Mr. William, but, you know, it go halfway around and go, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, and they go back. It's like, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. You know, it'd spin around, and it, that, you know, yes, I know what a sprinkler looks like. Well, now, imagine the refugee children, these poor children, they got no shoes on the feet,

some of them got no shirt on their back, some of them got no hair on their head, have been singed off by a bomb. Okay, what's that got to do with Forrest Whitaker crying? Well, imagine their parched little lips. They haven't had a drink in five or six days. Okay. And a human body can die after four days of no liquid nourishment, Mr. Williams. What are you getting to?

So imagine Forrest Whitaker bursting in the tears, and his left fire going off like a sprinkler at a golf course. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. Would you cut it out? And he just spraying water all over the place, like Moby the Dick washed up on a coral reef. I mean, it's just water spraying through the air. The chilling got their tongues out in the kitchen, you know, falls Whitaker's tears on their tongue, and he's supplying them with life. He's filling them up with the gift of liquid life, Mr. Wend.

the meditator. Forwick Whitaker left eye to his... Stop it! Professor Grimes, can we wrap this up? Because I'm just really... I think you've really gone off point here. If there's a way that you can just kind of bring it back,

get away from Forrest Whitaker's eye, and talk about how are people going to manage? How are they even going to find a place to sleep at night? How are they going to find a blanket to keep them warm? Well, now, that's a very, very pertinent question, Mr. Williams. And if I could look to a leader, in every group, in every dire situation, a leader has to emerge to show them the way. Would you agree, Mr. Williams?

Yes, I think when people are in trouble and they're confused and disoriented, it never hurts to have a leader to kind of, you know, show them what to do. exactly and if it's a cold night in ukraine i mean you know the snow falls half the year in that country it's bitter it's cold it's right next to russia yeah it's a very cold and uncomfortable place and so imagine the children laying on the street on the gravel mr william the their bones shaking their feet chilling their teeth chattering like like little chipmunks chewing hazelnut behind a mental retard facility. Okay, I guess.

What is that got to do with it? And there they are. Their teeth chattering through the night. And who are going to lay down beside those poor, freezing children? What do you mean who's going to lay down beside them? Well, as you said, a leader has to step forward and supply and lead, and in essence, save.

Okay, okay. So here we go, we got children laying in the street behind the retard facility. They can be in a street, they can be in front of a grocery store, sir. Or whatever, you know, very right there, and there they are laying in the cold. They're cheats chattering like Mexican chipmunks, chewing lima beans at the bottom of a fish tank. What it? Okay, they're laying in the street freezing. And who's going to lay down beside them?

Oh, Mr. Willa, a leader, a hero, an Oscar winner. Is this going where I think it's going? That's right, Mr. William. Fawittaker going to lay down in the street beside Academy Award-winning actor. Foles Whitaker going to lay down in the street amongst all those children, and you know what he's going to do, he's going to keep them warm. And how is he going to keep them warm? He's going to pull his flap down.

on his left eye. He's got a meat flap there. He's just going to pull that down like a window shade. He's going to unroll the meat flap on the left eye like a Walmart sleeping bag. And he's going to cover those children up. He's going to lay his left eye brow all over there's children like they're laying under a piece of veal scallopini in the middle of the night. Have you ever felt warm meat, uncooked meat, Mr. Williams? Would you start? He's not going to lay rolling. as I bled on to the children. And he's going to lay it on them, and they're going to feel the walt of fresh, hot, pink eyelid meat all over there.

And the shattering teeth is going to stop, and they're going to snuggle up under that left eyebrow meat like a couple of chipmunks and a nest full of Kleenex droppings. Okay, you know, I think maybe we've missed the point here, Professor Rutherford Grimes. I think we're going to kind of step away. regroup, and thank you for calling. Well, you know, Mr. William, you can turn your back on the Ukrainian people. I'm not turning my back.

I just don't think this is a productive phone call. And also, I forced Whitaker's listening. I'm sure he's going to be extremely offended. Forrest Whitaker will not be offended because he is a leader. He is a strong leader in the black community, in the acting community. And, you know, have you ever seen a bullfrog's tongue come out of its mouth and catch a fly? Yes. Well, imagine someone with the willpower of a Ford Whitaker.

He's standing there accepting the Oscar. He's up at the podium. And somehow a fly or a moth got into the building. And right in the middle of his acceptance speech, God love it. A moth or a fly, fly right past his face right into his camera. Well, I think I've actually seen that. But hallelujah, here come his left eye, and that little rolled up meat.

It's going to go shooting out like the... You ever seen a frog's tongue or a chameleon? They just snap a fly out of the air from four feet. Just slap. Just his eyelid, his left eyelid, just go flop out, snap out and drag a dragonfly out of the air. He got so much meat on that left eye. He can pull a hummingbird.

or maybe even a small sparrow out of this. Sir, we've got to go. Thank you, Rutherford, uh, Grimes. He might, he can probably crack an Easter egg, but... Thank you. Goodbye. Holy God. What was that? I'm sorry.

I cannot have a call with this guy, and it, it always has to turn into... It always has to turn into... It always has. has to turn into something to do with freaking Forrest Whitaker's left eye. A Walmart sleeping bag, really? God.

Stop it. Stop it. You're busting my heart. The Harland Highway. Question of the day. Okay, here it is, and I am just, I am shaking my head, player. the question of the day is what in the name of sweet macaroni and cheese are these people on Instagram doing who pull the stunts do you what do you look at your Instagram feed or your you who or your TikTok or your yaha your bumblebee I don't know what all these social media things are you can watch them on Google you can watch them on Google you can watch them

on Facebook. You can watch them on Instagram. Where can't you watch them nowadays? I find myself watching these little clips more than I turn on my TV. You know, I used to cook up, you know, a bowl of riceroni or whatever, you know. I'd sit down, I'd flick the TV on and watch TV. Now it's like, I don't want to get invested in a show. I don't have time to get drawn into a show. And the shows aren't that good anyway. So what do I do? I just scroll through my Instagram and watch, I watch someone, you know, make their dog talk, or I watch someone singing, or I watch a girl parading around in a bikini. But one thing that constantly comes up in these feeds are these people, and I'm going to call them idiots,

and I'll probably retract that in a little bit, but these people that feel the need to do these stunts on camera and you know what I'm talking about people riding a skateboard along a guardrail people there's this stunt people do now where people run and jump from rooftop to rooftop there's stunts where people jump over the sides of bridges and land on whatever's below

there's people on bicycles flying off the side of mountaintops there's people on bike trails coming down mountains full of trees and they're slamming into trees. There's skateboarders flying upside down. There's people standing in the middle of the street deciding to do a backflip and land upside down on their vertebrae. There's people in gyms who by day work in a cubicle

and then go to the gym and think suddenly they're, you know, America's toughest ninja or whatever that freaking show is, right? suddenly you got Sally from a accountant climbing a wall, wiggling a rope, you know, lifting 250 pounds in a deadlift, jumping over boxes. I mean, people. First of all, you're not Superman and you don't have to prove anything to anybody. You don't have to go and pretend you're something you're not and that you're more physical than you are. And second of all, do you not realize the danger that here's what I'm getting to?

Most of these clips are of people wiping out, severely wiping out. I've seen people ride a bike full speed into a tree. I've seen people wipe out going down a hill on a skateboard or a motor scooter or on a motorcycle. I see people popping wheelies on their motorcycles riding down the highway where there's traffic. and scraping their rear fender on the ground so it makes sparks? Do they not realize that one little miscalculation and they're down on the ground and they're getting run over by cars? And so the question of the day is, why are you doing this?

It's, you know, the whole stunt probably lasts between one and four seconds. Okay, the flip in the air, the twirling. on the thing, the jumping over the wall, the flying off the roof, the parachuting with a piano, whatever the hell you're doing, it only takes a second to do it. Okay? You jump in the air, you flip, you land. There. And the amount of time I said it, you probably could have done four. And so you're putting your health and your future at risk. Okay? You can snap your spine. You can break your pelvis, you can snap your neck. You don't much damage you can do, and you probably do in a lot of these videos,

I'm sure these people are hospitalized. But imagine the permanent damage you can do, you're youthful, you're, oh, I'm 22, I can do a triple flip off a roof and land on a moving truck. Okay, Jean-Claude Van Damme. This is real life. In movies, they use stunt people, they coordinate this stuff. They have ropes and pulleys and green screens and airbags. They do it as safely as possible.

You jumping out a car window or flipping over a great white shark or whatever the hell you feel you need to do there, Spider-Man, is not in your best interests. And so for one glorious second of notoriety, you're not even getting famous, by the way. You're getting looked at, just so you know, okay, I'm flicking through Instagram, okay, girl and bikini, great, dog doing crazy dog trick, great, motorcycle riding down the road, old man dancing, you flipping in your bike in midair and landing on your head. Me going to the next one, a guy in a canoe, next one, a guy fishing. So you see what I mean? You're just fodder for my entertainment. I'm not calling you from my stunt agency.

Hey, are you the guy that threw himself out the third-story balcony and landed on a cement truck? Yeah, I need to make you a $3 million movie deal. No dummy. your little stunt that cost you three years in traction and you'll never be able to run again was for all us couch potatoes sitting at home eating macaroni and cheese and pringles and you entertained us for one second and what was the cost? You're never going to be the same. You physically damaged yourself.

You could have been killed. you could be crippled for life, you could be paralyzed, you could have muscle nerve bone damage. You might have a tick, you might not be able to bend over, you might lose an arm. I mean, dudes, girls. Okay, here's where I turn it around, like I said it would. I'm not ragging on you. I'm not telling you not to be adventurous and, you know, take risks. Look, I'm the guy that did.

that my whole life growing up. I had like nine skateboards and I was doing stupid things and I had, I would jump my bicycle over hills and over all kinds of stuff. And I wiped out a few times. I had a little mini bike, a motorcycle I'd jump over stuff. You know, it's almost wired into us to want to, you know, do these things. but stop doing them to try and get a few likes on Instagram for God's sakes. I am really concerned about these people. I mean, they're snowboarding and they're trying to do flips that can't even be done. Well, John did 19 flips, so I've got to do 26, you know, crunch.

What happened to David? Oh, he died. He landed on his neck on the 23rd rotation. I mean, good Lord, you guys. Put it into perspective. And look, I love the people push themselves. I love the people try things. And by the way, when people do these stunts on Instagram and they're successful,

yes, I'll give you credit. I'm like, holy crap. Way to go. Good for you. But that's where it ends. You got a bunch of couch potatoes going, okay, silent golf clap. Yay. Great job.

You flipped off the side of a cement truck and landed on a whale. Next. You know what I mean? You're not doing yourself any favor. So I guess I'm saying this. I sound like a cranky old bastard. But I'm like, don't do this stuff just for that one second of fame, man. Because I don't want to see you hurt.

I don't want to see you injured. I don't want to see you maimed. Good Lord. So on one hand, you're freaking idiots. On another hand, I applaud you for having balls of steel and going for it. On another hand, I say, why? And on another hand, I say, why not? This is what humans do.

They conquer. They feel the need to conquer things. but, you know, even the guys who flew to the moon had spacesuits and they had a rocket ship and they were as protected as protected could be. They didn't fly into orbit in a convertible where they could be vaporized and bombarded with, you know, atomic fucking rays from the sun or whatever they are, radioactive sun waves or whatever. I don't know.

What am I, Albert E. Einstein over here? So the question of the day is why are you people doing this? Stop it. But keep doing it because I want to watch some more. Oh, God. See, I just blew it. The Harlan Highway question of the day. The Harlan Highway, question of the day.

Hello. Oh, my God. Hello. Hello. Hello, Angel. Hello, Angel props, hello. You haven't touched you. Oh, my God, it's your Aunt Ruthie.

Oh, am I even talking to anybody? I never understand these. Harry, I'm not sure if I'm on the phone, Harry. Anyways, Angel, I think I'm on your answering machine. It's your Aunt Ruthie calling from Rochester, New York, Angel Pie. Oh, I miss your cute little face and your freckles. and your little teeth and your little chipmunk nose. Oh, my goodness, you're such a little angel pie.

Anyhow, I'm calling from Rochester. Oh, we had a bit of a situation, your uncle Harry and I. Oh, my God, last night we decided to drive up to Ithaca, just north of, you know, just north in the state here, Angel, up by this, the Finger Lakes. You remember when you were a little boy, and we took you up to the Finger Lakes, and you stepped on a fish hook. And your uncle Harry would see, you know, he cussed you out and you were crying like an onion

that just been chopped up in the back of a Burger King by a boy with acne, you know, dripping down his face like a crying Mother Mary at a church or something, for God's sake. I mean, you were just bawling your little cute little angel eyes out. And then Uncle Harry saw that you were so upset and he put you on his lap, and he got the pliers from the toolbox. Do you remember? Oh, my God.

And he pulled the fish hook out of your foot, and he was screaming like somebody just smacked a baby seal in the head with a ceiling fan and cut its cute little black eyes out or something, Angel. But anyhow, that's not why I called. I wanted to let you know your uncle Harry and I, we went up to Ithaca. to go to the antique road show and we wanted to go up there and look, you know, look to see if we could find some treasures and some trinkets

or some whatnot. You know how Harry and I like our antiquities. I mean, how about the grandfather clock? We got at that garage sale a few years ago, and we met things older than Harry's, you know, left ass cheek standing out in an

Arizona snowstorm, for God's sake. So anyhow, Angel, we went up there. made a day of it, and we made a night of it, and we went up on Thursday night, and we checked into the Motel 6 up there in Ithaca. And you know how Harry and I love the Motel 6. It's just to have that wonderful slogan, we'll leave the light on for you. And even though most of the time we go in the room and the light's not on, we still feel there's something about it. You know, when you pay $12.99 for a room, you don't feel like you're getting ripped off, right, Angel?

So, anyways, we're in the room, and we're trying to fall asleep. We're half excited to go to the antique show and look for trinkets and antiquities and whatnot, you know, Angel. We're laying there, and, you know, Harry's just about going into a deep sleep. He's starting to snore a little. It sounds like a moose, you know, a moose giving birth on the side of a gravel highway in Alaska, for God's sake. You know, his breathing gets real heavy, and his stomach starts going up and down, and I swear to God, Angel, I swear if I spread his legs, I swear a baby Moose's head would pop right out of his eyes. Well, anyways, we're laying there, and I'm just about to drift off, and all of a sudden we start hearing some banging on the wall, and Harry pops up like a gopher coming out of a groundhog hole looking for a block of cheese dripping out of. You know, Marie Osmond's granny nappies, for Christ's sake.

I mean, I've never seen Harry sit up so fast. You think he sat on a waffle iron at the eye hop and grilled his vainy ass cheeks, for God's sake. He's looking around in the dark, like an hour looking for a venish snitcher, and all you can eat, October Fest Festival, but little darling. And I'm like, Harry, what's wrong? And he's like, quiet, quiet, Ruthie, listen. And I'm cocking my head like a puppy here in a doorbell ring and, you know, Liberace's root cellar, for God's sake.

I'm listening, and sure enough, Harry was right. We hear something banging on the wall. And Harry's like, oh, my God, Ruthie, I think we're in a haunted room. And I'm like, what are you talking about, Harry? And he says, listen to that knocking sound. And I'm hearing it, and I'm not bang, bang, bang, bang. bang bang bang and it just keeps coming and coming and now i'm starting to get scared i pulled the motel six blanket up around my chest and it's something you know it crunches something was crunching

on the blanket i don't know what it was but i pulled it up anyhow angel and i wrapped myself tightly because sure enough there's banging in the room and harry's like oh my god we got a motel six ghost and then we all of a sudden it stopped for just a second And Harry and I are looking at each other. And we have a little moment and we say, Harry, think about this. If it's a ghost, how come it's not moaning and making boo sounds like a real ghost does? And Harry looks at me with this, you know, his big, you know, demented owl eyes. I mean, he looks like he's, you know, looks like he's been doing opioids down at a, you know, a Crosylex factory or whatever it is, you know.

and uh and i say to him i don't think it's a ghost harry and then all of a sudden just as if god is my witness angel all of a sudden we hear it we hear the ghost mohair oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh you know this type of thing and me and harry was shivering in our And our granny nappies, for Christ sake. We're like, now the banging starts again. We got bang, bang, bang, we've got, oh, oh, oh, we're like, oh my God, we've got a haunted fucking motel six room for Christ's sake. So Harry and I jump up out of bed. I've got my brazier on and my granny nappies and Harry's in his boxer shorts. The ones that look like a Dalmatian just got loose because there's so many skin marks.

It looks like a leopard back there. for Christ's sake. And we're so terrified at the Motel 6th Coast. We go running down into the lobby half naked. Harry's man boobs are flapping up and down. He hits himself in the eye with his own ariola. And now he's running down the hall half blind because he got a titty sack in his eye, angel. And I'm jumping around in my, you know, my granny nappies.

And oh, my God, I feel like, you know, someone just threw a hot sausage on the grill at Applebee's, for Christ's sake. So now we're down in the lobby, and we're screaming, and we're jumping up and down, and the owner says, what room are you in? And we said, 7-5-4. And he said, oh, well, that's your problem. Next door is 7-5-5. And we said, well, what the hell does that mean? And he goes, that's where I put the haws.

You really believe that, huh? And Harry and I, we said, wow, you put what? He said, that's where I put the hars. That's where all the banging goes on. And, well, we heard the banging, but what about the moaning? And he said, well, that's what the, you know, the whores are kind of like actresses. You know, they have to put on a show. They're getting paid.

And so they do a lot of loud moaning and groaning to try and sell the experience to the Johns. And we're like, who the hell is John? And Harry said, I knew it John when I was in the war. I used to, you know, hide in the Foxhole with them. And the guy says, this isn't the type of John we're talking about. And Harry says, well, who are these whores? And he said, well, I can tell you for $45, and for $60, I can send one right into the room.

And now I'm yelling so loud, my body's trembling, and my granny nappy slide down. And now for the first time, in probably 60 years, my Bermuda Triangles exposed to the world. Even Harry looked down, he goes, what the hell is that? And I said, Harry, don't you even start with me? You know what that is. Okay, I'm sorry, I forgot.

He goes, why don't we change rooms and go into room 755, and you can be my midnight horror? Well, now my jaw just about dropped, Angel, I'd slap Harry across the face so odd. His dentures flew out and wedged into the face of the guy at behind the counter at the Motel 6. And now the guy behind the counter the clerk, he's got a pair of yellow teeth embedded in his face. and he's screaming and screaming, and he's yelling, help, were wolf, vampire, where he's screaming? And now we're scared again,

and we're yelling fucking ghost, and all you can hear is vampire, ghost. Suddenly we're at the haunted hotel, for Christ's sake. And he raised, age, off. It turned out, the police came, they heard all the screaming, and by the time they got to the room next door, the police let us go in,

and there was no one there. All we saw was it looked like some rigatose, shells on the floor. I don't know if they were eating Italian food in there, but Harry picked one up, and it was very rubbery and still had the, you know, had the alfredo sauce all over it, and the police opposites, you might want to put that in a garbage can, and Harry said, well, I guess so, and why would someone be eating Italian food, and it's so rubbery? I mean, anyhow, I enjoy it. It turns out it wasn't a ghost after all. The room was empty, and it turned out maybe it was just some wind going through the rafters

or what have you. But it sure put the fear of God into your uncle Harry and I and I just wanted to let you know that there was no ghost and the next day we woke up and you'll never guess it we found an old cuckoo clock.

But it wasn't the one where the bird comes out. It was this one where a girl comes out she's in a bikini and the clock goes coo and she bends over and then a like a yoddler type guy comes out and lay the hoszen and stands behind her and I guess she was choking because it looks

like he's doing the Heimlich maneuver behind her and he's just like kind of grabbing him from behind and really hump and you know pushing on him and trying to get whatever's lodged in her throat and kind of anyhow until I'm rambling on and it's time for me to go

serve Harry I made him some lasagna tonight you know Harry I got your lasagna coming oh yes yeah I What was that? I'm bringing, I'm talking to Angel Pops over here. Say hi to Holland. He's down in the Hollywood's making his movies and his television.

Say hello, Harry. Oh, I don't know. He's watching his television shows. He loves his bananas for crazy. So I'm going to go get Harry's lasagna ready, Angel. And we love you. We miss you so much. Give us a call when you get a chance.

Make sure there's no ghost Okay, Angel, we love you Harry, tell Holland how much you love him You son, get your feet out of that television What the hell is he doing? Goodbye, Angel, we love you We love you, he loves you, goodbye him, Harry! Oh, what, oh Lord, good Lord,

A Motel 6 ghost? that sounds horrifying. Poor Aunt Ruth, I always miss her. I just always never seem to be home when she calls, and I always get her messages, but that's okay. It sounded like she ran into a bit of trouble, but she made it through okay. So that's, oh, yoy, y'ye. And, you know, older people get a little, they're a little more delicate, they get startled a little more easy, so it's okay. but it's nice to hear from her. It's nice to be loved. My dear Aunt Ruthie.

Oh, such a sweetie. But I think what we'll do, we'll have to end the show there because, yeah, it's just, I got to go call her back. And I don't want to keep her waiting. She sounded a bit rattled. So, yeah, I better do that. So before I go, let me tell you about a few things, ladies and gents. I'm going to be doing stand-up comedy this coming weekend at a place called the Santan Brewing Company,

and it's in Chandler, Arizona, just outside of Phoenix. It's like a suburb of Phoenix, Arizona, the Santan Brewing Company, and it's Friday, March 25th, and Saturday, March 26. Shows are at 7 p.m. And if we have a big turnout, we might even add a late show to the situation. So get your tickets. You can get your tickets at Harlandwilliams.com or MaxEvents, USA, at Evanbright.com.

But just go to Harlanwilliams.com. It's easier to remember. So we're doing some great shows out there. That's March 25th and 26, the Santan Brewing Company. Going to be a great time. Also, if you want one of my hand-drawn t-shirts, please go to Harbling.com, that's H-A-R-B-L-I-N-G, Harbleng.com, and you can pick up one of my hand-drawn t-shirts. I draw right on the T-shirts, and you have that one-of-a-kind piece of artwork

on your shirt. So it's pretty cool, man. You get to, I call it wearable art. You get to wear one of my drawings around and check out Harbling.com. Also, if you're interested, interested in me doing a personal video for you. There's a, there's an app called Cameo, C-A-M-E-O, Camio.com or Camio app. And how it works is you can book a time for me to record a personal video for you. Let's say you have a birthday coming up or a graduation or you have a baby being born or you just you just want me to say something personal to your boyfriend or girlfriend or family member. It's a blast. I've only been on the Cameo app for a few months,

and people are calling me and asking me to leave them ridiculous videos. And it's really fun. I just get to play around and try and get creative and make it as personalized as I can for you. So, yeah, if you want to jump on Cameo and you have an event or a friend you want roasted or just anything, yeah, just get on Cameo and hit me up, and we'll send a video your way.

And then what else? I don't know. Go to Harlow Williams.com and check my stand-up comedy tour thing and see if I'm coming to a town or city near you. And yeah, I think that's it, man. I don't know if I got anything else. I better get on my skateboard and go try and jump over a couple of rhinoceroses and land in a dump truck or something.

A dump truck full of glass. that is. Aye, aye, aye. Well, that's one more thing. Get on my Instagram. If you're not following me on Instagram, follow me at Harland Williams. I do post a lot of wacky, goofy,

comedic type things on there to hopefully put a smile on your face during the day. And check it out. So that's it. Thanks for listening, gang. And I hopefully have some interesting news coming your way soon regarding the Harlan Highway podcast.

I know I've been teasing you a bit with that, but stay tuned. And have a groovy one. Until next time, everybody. Chicken. Chow. Maine, baby. You ever hear the sound of meat slapping, Mr. Williams?

Thank you.