The Harland Highway - 3: FLASHBACK EPISODE #3

Episode Date: December 27, 2012

Per your request, another one of the earliest episodes that has never been posted, it's #3, enjoy Swingle swangle Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello? Hello? Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You make us feel important. You are important. My name is Donkey Tina, and I'm going to kill you.

Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Oh, yay, oh yeah. the Harland Highway. Welcome aboard. You are cruising down the street with yours truly, Harland Williams. And welcome. It's good to be here with you. It's good to be alive, isn't it?

Oh, God, it's good to be alive. Do we take that for granted every day? Just the fact that we can get up and walk around and go to the mall, and drink a slushy and grind a twinkie into the eye of a cyclops. Take that, your one-eyed weasel. Twinkie eye. That's mean. I'm sorry. I know I have a lot of Cyclops listeners. I do apologize.

That must be rough, though, having one. eye right in the middle of your foreheads not even on the side of your skull so you don't have like good peripheral vision you've got it right in the middle so almost to kind of see out the sides you'd have to turn your head can you imagine the blind spot on a cyclops when they're driving you can you imagine the the neck damage they have to they endure because they always have to crane their necks to try and turn and see their blind spot. I mean, think about your blind spot and then think of a cyclops. That's got to be rough driving as a cyclops.

And then you always got to have the sunroof open because you get that one goat horn sticking out of the top of your cranium. Right at the top of your forehead there's like a little baby rhino horn sticking up. So wind, rain, sleet, or snow, you've got to have that sunroof open, man. Either that or your little cyclops horn tears into the beautiful upholstery on the ceiling of your car. My horn is cold. It's 70 below zero. Poor Cyclops gets to work and pulls into his job. Walks in the front door at lens crafters and sits in his cubicle and has to defrost his little cyclops horn for half an hour.

Put some tea bags on my horn. Some nice hot tea bags. Yeah, that'd be appropriate, right, a cyclops working at lens crafters. Can you imagine a kind of glasses what a cyclops wear? Just be like a big round, like a magnifying glass with two hooks on the side. Make that eye even bigger? Creepy. Don't know why I'm talking about Cyclopses.

And their body parts. Speaking of body part, no, I'm going to keep going here with the body parts. Have you ever seen that toy? I think everybody's seen it. Mr. Potato Head. You know, some genius somewhere thought that kids would be amused by a potato. What do you want for Christmas, Billy? Oh, how about a potato?

Billy. I love potatoes, Mommy. Billy, potatoes are for eating. But what if I can play with a potato all day long? Billy. Potato. Billy? I want a potato.

I'm going to pee all over the couch. Okay, let's get the boy a potato. I don't know. Must have been some farmer's kid somewhere. We don't have any money this year, Agnes. The crops didn't come in. What are we going to get Billy? Well, we do have one potato left.

Oh, do you think I like it? I think so. Kids love potatoes. Well, maybe if it takes off, we can start a whole line of potato toys. Yes. Yes, that's good. What the hell? Mr. Potato Head? And what's weird is he's not even a potato head. He's a whole potato.

Why do they just call it a head? Potatoes don't have heads. You know, there's a head of lettuce, but you don't. Don't say, hmm, I'd like to have a body of lettuce. No, there's just a head of lettuce and a body of a potato. And it's covered with eyes. Somebody called those little grotesque white orbs that stick out eyes. How about tentacles?

How about how about leprosy? Okay. A potato eye looks nothing like an eye. It looks like it looks like pussy zits. on the back of a fat teenager. Ew. Just look like white pussicules. And yes, I just made up a word pussacules.

I don't know. They're creepy, but getting back to body parts and Mr. Potato Head, I'm trying to link this childhood toy, Mr. Potato Head, to the modern-day woman. The modern-day cougar, the modern-day yuppie. I'm going to go with women here. I know men do it too, but I'm talking about cosmetic procedures, plastic surgery.

I mean, men do it to a degree, but women, I mean, have you been out with a woman lately, guys? Have you noticed you're not really sure anymore? what's real and what's Mr. Potato Head? Hi, how do you like my new eyes? What do you mean new eyes? Well, these aren't my eyes. I got them put in four days ago. Okay.

Whoops, oh, my ass just fell off. Would you mind just plugging that back in for me? I just... Your ass fell off? Yeah, I got a new ass. You got a new ass? Yeah, I wasn't happy with the other one. It didn't jigger.

and I, when I sat on it, didn't feel just right. So I just, I went in and got a new one. Okay, here you go. There, I plugged your ass back. Oh, there goes one of my titties. One of your tities. Just fell on the ground, almost stepped on it. Would you mind just sticking that back on?

Yeah, here you go. Oh, my nose, oh no. My nose just stuck to the car window. Would you just, Peel it off. Yeah, just stick it right back on my face. Okay, you know what? I will give you a kiss, but I don't want my new mouth to come off on your face.

What? Yeah, last week I was out on a date, and I gave someone a good night kiss. And about four minutes later, I had to chase him down because I realized my new lips came off and was stuck to his lips. Okay, I've got to. be going where you going oh i don't know to a car plant to see if the guys on the assembly line can put me together a new girlfriend oh that sounds good can i come get out of here i mean it is out of control isn't it do you really know what you're getting anymore i mean at one point in time you signed up you got a girlfriend or a wife and she was bone and tissue and

fiber human flesh and blood and now you break it down if you got a chart of the elements and hung it next to her you'd basically have a toxic wasteland and synthetic pieces of rubberized plastic and cauterized Coca-Cola I don't know why Why am I saying Coca-Cola? As you can see, I'm just incensed. You get a big bag of chemicals now. Botox, silicone. Aren't these things that we used to bury in landfill sites?

But now we're like squeezing on them and sucking on them and kissing on them? Hey man, I should have seen me last night. I was kissing on some. some silicone and some big old silicone right flapping in my face oh yeah you got a new girlfriend no man i was down a three mile island and i was just laying in the in the chemical dump and oh man that stuff is hot oh oh oh oh i don't know boys girls what's happening to us what is happening to us here on the Harland Highway Hello, boys and girls, this is Harlan Williams here

on the Harlan Highway Yeah, it's me. Did I sound older? Yeah, it was my birthday yesterday, as you know, we had a great show, had some of the folks drop by. I feel a day older, man. How come I can't stop the clock? Well, you know what? I tried to stop the clock.

You know, all day yesterday, on my birthday, I filled the bathtub with oil of Olay, and I laid in the oil of Olay anti-aging cream for nine hours. The only thing that's weird is I, didn't submerge my head, and I now have the head of someone in their 40s, and the body of a 13-year-old schoolboy. If you're into older-looking guys with hot young bodies, girls, I'm your guy. I also put the wrinkle cream on, slept all night with wrinkle cream on, my whole body, and all my wrinkles are gone

except for one little special area you know that place where the squirrel food is well what a squirrels eat man oh well at least the rest of me is smooth but it's not fun getting old man I'm not nursing home old but you know I'm like in my 40s but you know what they say about men

they don't get older they get better ha ha yeah i am just getting better and tastier i'm like milk going sour in your fridge wait a minute what's that mean hold on i take that back oh i must be losing my mind first sign of getting old this is harlan williams here driving home in his wheelchair on the harland highway world of cosmetics, cosmetic surgery and wrinkle creams and all the things we try to do to stay young and vibrant. Oh, Lord, love us, child. Speaking of getting old, man, I'm sure you caught the verdict on the Bernie Madoff scandal. I love his last name, isn't that just perfect

made off as in made off with my life savings Bernie made off with my life savings I love a name that you can actually put into a sentence and it fits can you put that into a sentence please yes Bernie made off with my life savings and I put a gun to my temple and committed suicide

that's a very long sentence yes well it was a very deep bank account. I mean, what a low life, man. This guy ripped off charities and old people and young people and people with their whole lives ahead of them. Why? Why, why, why, why? How much is enough for people? I mean, if you think of it, all you really need at the end of the day is if you got a reasonably nice little house, even an apartment, somewhere where you don't have a rats and leeches crawling up the wall.

If you just got a cozy little casa, and you got enough mullah for some grub in your belly and you're healthy, which Madoff clearly was, he had a nice career. He owned his own consulting firm, and he owned his own whatever the hell he owned. He was doing well. Why do you have to go down bad street? why do people take that turn down bad street life is short when you think about it and it's just so unnecessary to have to be bad why can't people just make the right choices and be good

you know if you got some food in your belly and you get your health and your roof over your head you know that's living that's a high quality standard of life You know, hold yourself up next to one of these kids, these Biafran children. Or one of these African kids that live out in the dusty plains of Africa and eat mud for breakfast. And they got more flies swirling around their eyes than a fresh cow patty in the fields of Nebraska. You know, their bellies are sticking out and their ribs are poking through. They probably got a one in 90 chance at even living past the age of four. But they don't try to rip anyone off.

They're not out there scamming and being deceitful and evil. The last thing on their mind is to hurt someone else. All they want is like a Twinkie or a Western omelet, man. Give that kid a full moon over my hammy. Help that kid. And then you got this jackass Bernie Madoff and all the other doorknobs, the Enron guys, and all these other scammers, man. Well, let's see, I have 25 yachts. If I get 70 more, I can have my own fleet and possibly take over Australia. And then with all my stolen money, I can be a king.

And everyone will worship me, and then I'll take their money, and I'll be the biggest. son of a bitch on planet earth. I'll even take away the crown from the Imperial Margarine King and Burger King. And they will kneel before me. Burger King will kneel

before me, Bernie made off with your money. I mean, it's just pathetic. This guy got, the judge threw 150 years at him. Okay, the guy's already 79, I believe, or 70, something and now he's got 150 years wouldn't the irony here be that if somehow

Bernie made off with all his stolen money was able to live such a charmed life such a high life that he was healthier than the rest of us you know he was able to buy the best medical treatment and the the best food and the best vitamins and the the best of everything and the end result is that he outsmarted us all and he's going to live to be 200 or 300 wouldn't that be sweet wouldn't that be justice

Bernie Madoff I hereby sentenced you to 150 years in prison ah who cares I'm only going to live another four years I've lived high on the horse I stole all your money What's four years next to 76 years of living in heaven? Okay, so what, four years?

Cut to the guy, 137 years later? She, these four years sure are stretching out. What? I still got another 120 years to serve? Oh, damn all that money I stole. Damn all those sharks. cartilage injections that I got in Brazil. Oh, damn the hot stones and the magical herbs I imported from the island of Belize. Oh, I'm going to live forever. Oh, fame. Yeah, I hope you

do live all that time, buddy. And every criminal, every rapist and every murderer, the goes through the door, that prison has his way with you. And suddenly you're not Bernie Madoff anymore. You're Bernie get off. As in all the prisoners get off on your scrawny white, bony ass, you prick. Woo! Oh, man. That felt good, didn't it?

That felt good. I hope some of the people who got scammed by this freak, just listen to that. and I hope it made them smile, and I hope it gave them a little something back for all the suffering they're going through and all the humiliation and the depression. Such a sad thing, whether it's $10 or $10 million. Don't be stealing on no one, people. And I went all urban there because I just thought it would be more effective. Don't be stealing on no one, people.

Something just commanding about that voice. It's like serious. It's authoritative. It's almost menacing. I'm trying to scare you into not stealing from each other. Yo, don't be stealing on each other, people. You hear me, man? Yeah, that's right.

I'm talking to you. You and the Hawaiian shirt looking like Tom Selleck all up in there trying to solve mysteries on a tropical island. in your Lamborghini and flying around in your strapped helicopter. I'm talking to you, player. Don't be stealing up on nobody. Tom Selleck, crunky ass, pineapple eating crunker. Lean back, Selleck.

All right, now I've just gone way too far. I think it's time for a Korean news update. I'm going to do you know, TK.C. Newsdezke's newsdezke's. Back to, today's-outed, Sangerang-Won, a gangi-bubbant banalan peoped, neiled-niles will be able to make it. Charangler-in-day-day, now two-tlet-a-tack-tack-met, Chimchimpsed, although

a different material and give to give to get to get to

get to go place. Helliseage Park Hanin Hakop Unh Year's

year last year public people and food food

and and people and people and people about

and wow okay holy smoke there's a lot going on

out out there in the world wow nice nice to know

that stuff um and speaking of knowing stuff don't forget you should know to write me Harland Williams here

on the Harland Highway I am at Harlan Williams.com and drop by the website have a look around. We got hilarious videos there for you. We've got this podcast of course. We've got

sketches, we've got animation. We've got my Comedy stand-up tour dates are posted. You can join our newsletter, the Harlandw Williams.com newsletters, so that you can be kept abreast, which is very singular, kept a breast of my goings-on.

How about I pluralize it? How about you can be kept a-boobs of what I'm up to? You can be kept a titty's of what I'm up to. I'm doing. You can be kept a milk jugs of my jocularity. Okay, I've gone too far. I've offended all the women. I roll it back.

I apologize. All I want is for you to keep a breast of my activities. But see, now, I know this is sensitive, but now I feel weird about addressing women who have had breast cancer. It just feels inappropriate. to say, hey, I want you to keep a breast of what I'm up to. Like, how does that make them feel? Oh, abreast. Oh, awkward.

Yes, as a matter of fact, I do just have a breast. I lost the other one to a horrific cancer. You insensitive prick. I went through painful surgery. I came this close to losing my life. So don't abreast me, you a dick. Wow. that's a good one a dick i've just been served um so be sure you um stay in touch communicate with me

on harlowe williams dot com let us know uh how you feel about the show if there's anything you might want to recommend or suggest or even if there's a topic is there a topic you want yours truly to talk about do you want me to talk about I don't know surfing volcanoes

trilobites anything you want if you write me a nicely worded email an interesting email what I'll do is I'll read your email on my podcast here at the Harland Highway and then I will

I will tackle your topic. I will tackle your topic like a football player jacked up on steroids, cocaine, and Gatorade. That's how passionately I will attack and tackle your topic. Okay? So make the effort. Drop me an email at harlomwilums.com. and if I can if I like your email enough

if it's creative and original and silly or even if it's angry I don't care express how you're feeling and maybe you'll be one of the lucky ones that I put on the air here

and talk about and in the meantime I got this friend to mind well he's trying to be my friend I think he's trying to be anybody's friend um this guy eddie he uh i guess he's a bit of a loner he just he just wants someone to have a beer with and have a barbecue with i mean don't we all want that people don't we all just want someone we can hang with and just be ourselves and kick back and crack open a beer and

throw a hot dog on the old barbecue yeah I always kind of check in with my buddy Eddie to see how his quest is going to find that perfect little hang partner. So here we go. We'll wrap up the show with one of Eddie's random calls looking to make that connection out there in the universe. And in the meantime, I hope you enjoyed today's show

and we will see you back here next. time. I'm Harland Williams, and you're on the Harland Highway. And watch out, because you might just get a call from Eddie. Silver steamers. Hey, man. What's up, dude? Hey, how you doing? I'm doing cool, man. You want to grab a couple of beers? A couple beers? Yeah. Who's this? I'm sorry. This is Eddie, man. Eddie? I got the barbecue going, man. You want some ribs or what?

I'm sorry, I guess you got the wrong number. Dude, I'm looking to party, man. It's that simple. I got some ribs. I got some beer. Let's do this. Listen, I guess you got the wrong number. This is a business.

Hey, man, you work too hard. You die young. You know, let's have a barbecue, dude. Who's this? A couple of Budweiser, some ribs. Let's party. All right, thank you for invitation, but I'm working right now. Put down the paperwork and the ballpoint, man.

Let's get the ribs on, dude. All right, bye. What the hell? Welcome to the Harlan Highway.