The Harland Highway - 3: FLASHBACK EPISODE #4

Episode Date: January 17, 2013

As requested by you, the listeners, we are slowly playing back the first 42 episodes because they are not in the archives. ENJOY!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello? Hello? Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You make us feel important. You are important. My name is Donkey Tina, and I'm going to kill you. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. What? No, no, I don't want to do it. Don't let them in. I'm not playing any more Russian roulette. I've already killed Donald Doc, Mickey Mouse, Scooby-Doo, Mr. Magout. Don't let them in. Don't know. God.

What are you doing here, Yoda? Must play Russian roulette. I must. No, I don't want to play it anymore. I never lose. Don't you get it? Everybody I've played Russian roulette with has lost. I've killed. I've killed. off almost half a dozen lovable cartoon characters. But I have the power of the Jedi, I do. Your power of the Jedi can't be that good. You can't even speak forwards. Making fun of me, you are. Yeah, I am, I guess, because you're going to be dead in a few minutes

if you want to carry through with this Russian roulette fiasco. Get it on, we must, sucker. Okay, so you think you can beat me, just because you got you're a Jedi. Ask your kick, I will. Okay, let's go, huh? Who's gonna go first, huh? First you go, you will.

Okay, give me the gun. Here we go, ready? Look at this, I got it to my head. Come on, do the call, do the call. Mau, meow, meow, meow, meow. Mau, mm, Mao. There, see, nothing. I never lose.

Is she want to do this? Mm-hmm, put up or shut up, sucker. Hey, you just spoke forward there. Mm-hmm. Here, put the gun to your head. Come on, ready. Mow. Mow.

Mow. Mow. Mow. M-hmm. Die I did not, I didn't. Okay, what's going to happen? I'm telling you. Mm, turn is yours it is.

Okay. here we go again m mow mow m m mow mow mow may the force be mow you see nothing back to you yoda mow mow mow mow mow oh my god oh my god oh my god oh yodah relish. What? No, I don't want any more. This Russian roulette has to stop.

We've just lost another icon. A little green, peach fuzz covered, onion sack wearing, hangnail, bad tooth. Maybe it is good we got rid of it. No, no. This is sad. No more Russian roulette. I'm done here on the Harland Highway. someone get a vacuum okay weird topic right out of the gate but have you ever oh by the way this is

harland williams welcome to the harland highway good to have you on board i almost you know forgot to introduce myself which isn't uh proper manners you know i should do a formal introduction and then step into the show not vice versa that's selfish and inconsiderate so let me to a formal introduction. Hello, I'm Holland Williams. Welcome to the Holland Highway. We're so very happy to have you here. Won't you please have a crumpet and some dodging tea, darling? Yes, there you go. You're comfy. Good. Let me pick the grease from under your toenails and get you all comfy, cozy, darling, and then we'll step right into the show, shall we? Okay, there. I did it right. Screw you. But what I was going to talk, you know what? I can't even remember what my topic is now.

I went ahead and did all that crap. I tried to be the gentleman and I forgot my topic. But you know what? I just remembered it because I started off with saying weird topic to open the show, but I have to bring this up. You ever met someone with a tracheotomy? And I just sniffled through my nose because if I had a tracheotomy, I would sniffle through my throat hole. It's an odd thing, isn't it, to see someone with a hole in the middle of their throat? I mean, it's hard enough to stand there, and this is for the guys, to stand there and look a woman in the eye who's got her cleavage showing. and some giant, juicy, wonderful breasts just hanging there for our viewing pleasure. It's hard for a man to keep his eyes on her face.

You've heard the old saying, My eyes are up here? Yeah, I know your eyes are up there, but your boobs are down here. And, you know, if I have to pick one of the four, I'd rather look into your big, juicy boobs than into your eyes. because eyes are the window to the soul and boobs are the window to my boyhood fantasies.

Okay? But it's hard enough for us to focus on your face, ladies, when you got your breasts jangling there. But there's one thing that makes it even harder to focus on someone's face, and that's when they've got a gaping round manhole in the center of their throat where you can see into their body. Yeah, and I'm not begrudging anyone who has a tracheotomy, okay?

God bless you, you probably survived a cancer or a throat infection or something. I would not want to make fun of that. But you have to admit, if you're out there with a tracheotomy right now, You know, the fact that a moth could fly into your and land on your lungs or your kidney, it's just odd. You know, the eyes of the window to the soul. No, a tracheotomy is the window to the soul.

I can see right through to the back of your spine. I can see right into you. This isn't a pinhead of a hole. This is like the size of a silver dollar. I can see your flesh, I can see your organs. It's almost like an episode of that horror movie Hellraiser where people are just walking flesh and anatomy. And again, I'm sorry if you have a tracheotomy hole,

but it's a shocking thing. God forbid any of us get one. But it certainly is something that needs to be commented on because it's so extreme. And as a comedian, Do I try to look for a little humor in it? Okay, yeah. I hope I don't hurt anybody's feelings.

I hope if you have one, you can laugh along or toot along or blow water along. I don't know. Is it a blowhole maybe? What if people, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Becky. Okay, this theory just popped into my big, fat, greasy head. What if people with tracheot?

aren't really people. What if people with tracheotomies are a rare species of land dolphin? And tracheotomy holes aren't tracheotomy holes. They're blowholes. It's how they expel the excess salt and the spray and the liquids that get into their blowhole when they're hunting for tuna. Oh, my God. I think as research, I'm going to keep my...

eye on sushi restaurants and see how many people frequent the sushi joints that have blowholes. Yes, that's it. They're land dolphins. Oh, peep, oh, peep, peep. Oh, well. Hey, it could happen to any of us, but it is, it is odd again. that someone has an actual hole into their human body. I'd be afraid to play golf if I had a tracheotomy.

I mean, just what if, you know? Life is full of what ifs. But what if some dumbass from Minnesota was on the seventh hole? And he's like, I've never played golf before. Is this how you do it? That ball lands right in your tracheotomy hole. I think there was an episode of Seinfeld once where Kramer shot a golf ball into a wales blowhole or something.

Maybe it's that. I wouldn't play golf if I had a tracheotomy hole. And what else? Hot dogs? I don't know. Maybe a hot dog would be just right. You know, you could take it out of the bun and just boop, just slide it right down your throat. No chewing, no messy mustard all over your lips, and, you know, that hot dog breath you get after you eat a hot dog.

Just take the wiener right out of the bun. Just stick it right in the old tracheotomy hole. I don't know. All of a sudden something became very sexual about that. well if you do have a tracheotomy hole god bless you uh keep it keep it well i don't know all of a sudden i'm doing a greeting for tracheotomy hole people i recommend putting a little screen door on it or a filter or a you know like a tea bag or something to keep keep the critters out at least and stay off the golf course.

Fort! P. Hey, everybody, this is Harlan Williams with another friendly tip. Remember, even though it's summer, it certainly does get cold at night. Don't get caught catching a summer chill as the sun goes, down and the moon comes up. If you find yourself getting a little chilly on one of those colder summer nights, and you don't want to turn the heater on and warm the whole house, you just want to get your body warm, here's what you do. Unplug your laptop computer,

shove it down your pants. Just leave it there until the battery runs out. That battery should last for a good three to seven hours, giving off just enough heat. to keep your important areas nice and warm. Yes, laptop heaters. This summer, just another friendly tip from me, Harlan Williams, here on the Harland Highway. God, I bought a new telephone for the house. You know, they design these telephones nowadays

so that they last about, you know, I don't know, they usually last about two, three years. and I think the manufacturers actually integrate the flaws into the technology so that, you know, if you press the number six on your keypad over 2,000 times, on press 2001, it dies. Like, honest to God, I have phones where certain numbers just die. Like, I can't press them anymore. Like the five and the two and the seven are great.

It's like, boop-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-pp. But the nine, nothing, just dead. Just went to nine heaven. Three, six, four, seven, nine, nine, okay. Time for a new phone, right? You've all had it happen. So I go and buy a new phone and I open the box, and I guess I should read the box better, but, well, look at that.

There's the phone right there. It's getting pissed at me. It's ringing at me. Can you believe it? It heard me talking about it and it's pissed. Actually, it's dominoes. I've got to get this. Hold on.

Hello? Come on up. All right, so I just, I've been gone for about an hour. hour, okay? That was a real phone call. That was kind of bizarre that I was talking about my phone and it rang. That's how creepy technology is getting. It's like, uh-oh, girlfriend, don't you be talking about me? Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring. So that was a real phone call that came in. Out of all the topics in the world I could have been talking about, it was phones and how I was getting a new phone and that was my new phone ringing at me as if to say hey i'm right here i can

hear you mofo um but it was dominoes and so i took a little break had a pizza well part of a pizza i'm not a girl i don't eat the whole pizza in one sitting that should get the girls fired up i sat there uh ate some pizza watched um A little bit of Into the Wild, the Sean Penn movie, about the disgruntled kid that hates society and goes off into the Alaskan wilderness and eats some poison berries and dies. That serves you right. Hey, I worked in the bush.

I know how unforgiving nature can be. But that's fodder for another show, another time. I have to get back to my phone because it's glaring at me as if to say, go ahead, finish the bit. You better say something nice about me, man. All right, phone, here's, I'll look right at you while I'm talking. Here's what happened. I bought a new phone.

I should have read the box better. I get home. I open the box. And yes, there's my phone. And then there's like 93, like extra phones in there. You know, like what do they call them? What's the term they use? Like auxiliary phones or something?

thing? I don't know. People who work for phone companies are probably going to be pissed, but extra phones. They give you extensions. And they gave me so many. I don't know where to put them. I've literally got a phone like on my desk and then there's a chair. And then over at my little studio where I do my radio show here is another phone like literally about nine feet away. I put one down in the garage, I put one in the living room, I put one in my car, I put one at my neighbor's house, I put one in the lawnmower, I put one in the wheelbarrow, I put one in the septic tank, I put one in the trash compactor, I put one in the dryer, and I put one, I had it surgically implanted under my shoulder blade. So I still have 23 phones to give away If you need one, let me know But

Wow, they give you a lot of phones And I guess, you know, from what I was talking about earlier How the numbers just die on you They have a stroke Beep, beep, beep Maybe it's good I have 89 phones Because now I don't have to worry About getting another one

When these 73 die anyways there is a little fly buzzing around my face it's like a fruit fly or something and it makes me a little self-conscious am I fruity is that what you're trying to tell me do I have an effervescence there fly do I do I reek of of spring pear and tangerine oil I don't know is that a bad sign when you have a fly fly in a around you is it mean you're like borderline dead don't flies usually come in when you're like carrying i don't know i'm a little nervous so let me take a little break go look in the mirror and make sure i'm not dying and uh i'm going to go breastfeed my new phone just to keep

it happy and in the meantime uh let's listen to some some phone calls from some of the listeners Here with me, Harland Williams, on the Harland Highway. Hey, Harlan Williams, with you here on the Harland Highway. And about two weeks ago, I sent out the probing question, how do you get waterproof mascara off your face? I asked you to call in. Listen to some of the insightful answers I got. The way to get mascara off is, but Vasili.

or you don't use turpentine. Talk you later. I'm a good one. Okay, yeah, my bad. I thought that you might use turpentine to get it off. Because, you know, if water and soap can't get it off, I was wrong. Okay, I'm not a girl. Who else we got?

You get waterproof mascara off by using makeup remover. I makeup remover. Okay, thanks there, sexy. Next message. There is an emollient from Cover Girl. All you do is put on your fingers. rub it in and it melts that stuff away. So you wanted to know, that's your answer.

Have a good day. Bye. Huh, so friendly. Hello, Harlan. He's Vaseline. Vaseline's good for everything. Vaseline will get mascara. You have a good, Harlan.

Hey, lady, move out of the way. Bye, bye. Okay, thanks for that one, Road Ranger. Hey, Harlan, it's Sam. take waterproof mask They're needed Vaseline or they have special creams that they make

that you can put on there Anyway, bye Well, there's a Vaseline again I heard Vaseline's good for everything Vaseline's good for everything Okay, okay How am I supposed to know Vaseline's good for everything I mean, it's not like I've ever used it for anything

I mean, right guys? We don't know what Vaseline does, right guys? Hey, Harlan. I'm responding to how you get mascara off. My first question is why you would want to know that. And second of all, it's called eye makeup remover by Harlan. Okay, I'm not the smartest guy on the tree when it comes to eye makeup remover, but can you give me the answer with a little less attitude, please? Eye makeup remover. Okay, yeah, thanks. That was much better. Appreciate it. Hey, how you get that makeup off is? Makeup remover. Every girl knows that.

Okay, well, thanks there, Betty Grable. There you go, folks. The way you get eye makeup remover off is with eye makeup. Remover. Sorry for wasting your time. Maybe tomorrow I'll ask a probing question like, how do fat girls get into jeans that are two sizes, two, small. Vaseline. Vaseline's good for everything. Oh yeah. Sorry. I forgot. Every girl knows that.

God, I appreciate you, ladies, and your makeup. It's too bad there even is makeup removal. Like, you know, no offense, but you usually look really good with makeup on. I mean, I like a girl who looks great. Oh, natural. Don't get me wrong. There's something really refreshing. about a beautiful apple pie-faced girl with freckles and nice brown eyes and that all-American girl look. But you put that makeup on, man, and it does something. It's like, ooh, you put the right eye shadow on and the lipstick and the foundation and the cellulite sealer.

Okay, that's going too far. But I appreciate the effort, is what I'm saying. I like it, man. I like a girl in some nice makeup. And I know it's not easy. All the grooming and the preening that you ladies do. I had to do a movie a couple of years ago. Not a couple of years.

Probably about five years ago now. Wow. Is it that long? Yikes. I did a movie for Disney called Sorority Boys. And basically it was about me and these two other guys. that infiltrate a girl's sorority, and we do that by becoming girls.

We put on the wigs and the dresses and the fake boobs and the heels, and I guess the makeup guy on the film thought, oh, well, if they're going to dress up like women, we better wax their whole bodies so that they really do look like women. And we were like, but wait a minute, aren't we men for half the movie?

and women for half the movie, and aren't we wearing dresses? It's not like you're going to see our naked bodies. And he was one of these guys that was just kind of stuck in his ways. He says, oh, no, we've got to wax you. So I'm not wanting to be, you know, trouble for the big Disney conglomerate. Me and the other two guys, Barry Watson and Michael Rosenbaum, we were like, okay, wax us. and man alive baby they took us to some creepy join it looked like one of those weird palm reader houses you know psychic readings 1299 you're about to be hairless wow i wish you'd told me i would have thrown the audition i mean these guys waxed my legs they waxed our chest they waxed our arms they waxed our pits they waxed our groins i mean

I think this makeup guy was just either getting off on it or he just hated actors. He'd grown to hate snooty actors over the years and he's like, now it's time of a little payback. I'm going to get all the hair rip off of these boys. Make them real pretty like hairless Chihuahuas. Yeah, it hurt like South Korean barbecue, whatever that. means wow so what i'm saying is ladies i know what it's like to go through what you went through and then on top of that i'd just sit in the chair in the makeup chair because i was playing a woman

i've actually done it for a couple of movies i did another movie called mr head mistress for disney what's going on with disney wanting guys to dress up like ladies i just thought of that but oh my god the makeup the lipstick the uh eye shadow The hair. Just the hair alone is its own entity. I mean, as guys wake up, we run our fingers through it, we're off to the races, man. Get me a seated eye hop. Get me the USA today.

Let's rock and roll. You girls wake up and you're like, you're like Picasso's. You're like, you're like, dollies. You're like Rembrandts. It's like a work of art in progress. You wake up and you have to envision your hair And you have to Oh, you just have to put in the time and sculpt it

So my hat's off to you ladies Thank you for the effort You are delicious We love it And uh You know If there's anything I can do to look prettier for you Just let me know

shoot me an email. I don't want to get into a leather outfit. I don't want to wear pink. But if you want to write me and tell me what you think might be pretty in a macho way, okay? I'm all up for that. So you can write me at harlornwilliams.com. Write me a nice letter. I might read it on the podcast here.

and that's it. That's today's show. We're going to end it right there with visions of you picturing me being waxed. And I just hope for my sake that no bedbugs, dust mites, or wood ticks were listening to the show because to them, I'm just fresh meat. I'm hairless meat that they would just like to. eat up. No hair. No obstructions.

Get to the meat. Yeah, I'll wake up in the Lyme disease ward. Thanks to Disney and the sorority boys. All right, that's it. I'm out of here. Hong Kong, tutupe, beep, beep. This is the Harland Highway. And I'm your host, Harlan Williams.

And we will catch you next time. Tata. You're riding home with Harlan. Arland Williams. Every girl knows that.