The Harland Highway - 3: FLASHBACK EPISODE #5

Episode Date: January 24, 2013

Yet another FLASHBACK SHOW per the request of the Pavement Pounders!! slice it and dice it!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello? Hello? Hello? Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. To the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You make us feel important. You are important.

My name is Jackie Tina, and I'm going to kill you. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Hey, hey, hey, people. This is Harland Williams. Cruising with you on your favorite piece of asphalt. The Harlan Highway. How about a snack? Don't you feel like just pulling off the road and having a snack?

Exit 63's coming up, and our favorite restaurant, the Moonglowe Chinese Tavern, is there. I'm personal friends with the owner, Charlie Lee. He's also the head chef. What do you say we pop in for a little snack? Macypoo. And say hello to our old friend Charlie Lee. Hey, Charlie. It's me. It's Harlan. Oh, how you doing? I see you there. Charlie Lee not so good today. Oh, what's wrong, Charlie?

Oh, Charlie Lee have industrial work accident all over the place. Would somebody hurt? Well, I won't call it her, but one of my workers, Wung Tao Tingla, he slipped on a terriaki, his face go down in a walk, he get a walk-boiled face, and he get a shrimp stuck in his eye, and two scallop in his nose. Oh, my God. He like a seafood salad, and I have to take money off his check because he get free food all up in his face. Well, that doesn't seem very fair. I mean, he had an accident, and these items of food got lodged. Oh, so now suddenly you form insurance agency.

Huh, funny guy? Maybe I'll slap you around with a sea scallop. And maybe we see who the wise guy's going to be when all the leaves fall off the tree in the morning. Whoa, well, Charlie, I'm a friend here. I'm just trying to... Well, why you take tone with Charlie? You take other guy's side when Charlie, it's not my fault. His face go in, walk, and boil up, and he looked like Freddy Kruger.

Maybe he scared my customers away. Well, now, Charlie, I mean... No, maybe don't owe Charlie me, Terriaki. Maybe he owe me money because he scared customers away from Moonglow restaurant. Well, now, Charlie, I mean, give the guy a break. He boiled his face, and he has... seafood all over it. Yeah, well, what am I? A manatee?

Why am I going to eat it off his face like a baby walrus? Charlie Lee, got no time for industrial accident. Well, Charlie, do you have insurance? Oh, now suddenly you're with the FBI, funny man? Ah, oh, maybe you want to go to my books. And maybe you should go to a penthouse magazine and figure out that maybe you like the girls. Funny guy?

Okay, Charlie, I think I'm just going to step away. This is a bad time, right? Yeah, it's a bad time, all right? And maybe you got some bad breath. You ever think of that? Maybe you eat some ginger. Okay, Charlie, nice visiting. We'll be back some other day.

Yeah, why don't you make reservation? I put you at table number eight. You know the one with all the snots stuck underneath it. Some people think it's crispy wanton under there. But it's big boogie-woogie from little fat kid who come in here. with corn roll in his hair. Okay, Charlie, nice visiting you. Thanks, buddy.

Yeah, thanks so much for nothing, Frinkle-Frankle. Oh, man. I don't even know what that last word meant. Frinkle-Frankle. Is that Chinese for something? You laugh. It means Chinese for a man with small sea squid.

Wow, that guy has good hearing. He always hears me. Anyways, keep your eyes on the road. And you know what road I'm talking about the Harland Highway. Oh, yes, the Harland Highway. And now before you politically correct people, cry racist on my ass, let's put everything in perspective here, okay? I do a lot of characters on this show, a lot of different voices,

a lot of accents. I do French accents. I do German accents. I do Southern accents. I do African-American accents. accents. And yes, I even do Canadian accents from my own culture. But for some reason, whenever you do a Chinese or an Asian accent, people are like, oh, Rachel, racist, no, there are people in life that sound like that. There are Asian people that have not completely mastered the

English language, that own Chinese restaurants or Korean restaurants, and I think it would be racist to single them out and not have fun with them and enjoy their culture and enjoy the way they speak. You know, whenever I meet someone and they find out I'm Canadian, right away, they go, oh, Canadian, eh? Oh, good day, eh? Take off, eh? And I almost wear it kind of is a badge of honor it's like yeah that's my identity that's kind of the way we talk you got me and so just don't be oversensitive if you're too sensitive for this kind of stuff then get off the harland highway because i do all kinds of voices but what you'll find is none of my voices are ever mean or vindictive or cruel they're just fun they're silly and they're fun

And I do them as a way to celebrate all the varied cultures that make up our, what do they call it, a melting pot society. So, no, I'm not going to isolate anyone and leave them out because nine people on some committee think it's offensive. I hope that Asian people hear Charlie Lee and laugh and go, you know what, I know somebody who sound like that. Wait, I mean, I sound like that. the hell it's a fun accent just like doing the german accent is fun or doing the british accent it's a lot of fun too right and every one of them they're all stereotypical because that's the way we bloody talk so what do you want me to do okay i'm going to do a chinese accent and here it is ready here's my politically correct Chinese accent

so that I don't offend anybody in the world. Hi, I'm a Chinese restaurant owner. Welcome to the Munglo Restaurant. I'm sure you can't detect any of my heritage in my voice. And if you do, please notify me immediately so that we may correct it and nobody can be offended or complain. Hi, I'm a French woman.

And this is my very, very thick French accent you're listening to right now. And I hope you don't detect any French in it because we wouldn't want to offend anybody. So there you go. I've said my piece. I love doing these characters. And like I said, if you don't like them, you're at the wrong podcast. There. Now that being said, let's talk about Chinatown and Chinese food, which I love, by the way. Who doesn't love the flavor of a dinner number four or some delicious thick gooey plum sauce or a hot egg roll that when you bite into it, it bites back, just sizzling hot.

just the smell and the sauces and the flavors mixed together, the rice with the chicken balls. Oh, God. My saliva glands are puffing up like the backside of a peacock looking to get laid. Ew. But I have to say, if you ever walk through Chinatown, and again, this goes back to the culture, there are some funky items for sale in Chinatown, man.

I mean, obviously every culture has their own food that they like and that they're accustomed to. But man, you walk through Chinatown. There are fruits and vegetables the likes of I've never seen. I don't know if they go to Narnia to collect these odd-shaped prickly pear cactus, pineapple-shaped cauliflowers or whether

Dr. Seuss owns a farm somewhere and he harvests these bizarre Dr. Seussian crops and drops and drops them off. It's amazing.

I actually go there more as a scientist than a consumer and I wander through the markets and I go, alas! I have just discovered a new species. the prickly parious orange pineapple cactusy thing i declare it to new species

because i have never seen it and they got some other weird stuff like shark fins i went in a chinese store one day and there were shark fins stacked to the to the roof And I made a mental note I was like, man, if I ever get me a shock fin fix If I ever be jonesing on some shock fin man I'll be remembering this place You know, I'll be walking in the door Hey man, you got any hammerhead today?

No, but we got lots of mako. I don't like the mako shark man. How about you got any blue shark? Oh, we got lots of blue shark. How many fin you want? I don't know, man. Give me like a dozen. Oh, nice choice, wise guy.

I mean, there's some weird stuff. Rattlesnake faces and buffalo legs and zebra tails, manatee horns. All right, I'm making stuff up. But you get my drift. They got some wild stuff in China. You can buy live fish. You go into the market and,

If you can get through the wall of stink, of seaweed stink. They got buckets just sitting there. You're like, oh, look at the bucket of water. An electric eel. There's like electric eels. There's like alligator garfish and catfish and carp, giant carp flapping around. Crabs. The shrimp are still alive.

I might as well just go down to like SeaWorld and start a buffet, man. But that's what makes us all different, right? Can you imagine a Chinese person coming to America for the first time they grew up on their diet? You plop them into a 7-Eleven? Oh, hostess, ho-ho? What that all about? Slurpy? I never see.

What a slurpy? oh sour cream and onion pringle what the heck of that look like my grandmother's skinflake yeah we're probably just as bizarre to them as they are to us so there you go hope you like charlie lee we'll drop in and visit him from time to time here on the old harland highway in the meantime take a listen to this and now it's time for dating tips

on the Harlan Highway look dating ain't cheap and I know that the guys you know primarily are asked to pay or do pay if you go out for dinner it's the gentlemanly thing to do sometimes it hurts

sometimes meals don't come cheap A lot of girls these days are into the sushi. They like the sushi. Hey, you want a nice steak? No, I want something that hasn't even been cooked. Don't you wish you could just go to a lake and yank a trout out of the water and make them jump for it like a chamo at SeaWorld? That'd be nice if girls had to jump 12 feet in the air for their dinner.

And at least if you didn't get anything at the end, to the date you had a show right you got to see barbara jump up in the air and grab her dinner but here's the thing guys if they want to go for sushi for some mahi mahi that stuff ain't cheap man i mean that's being carved up by japanese guys with reflexes like lightning so here's what you do you're driving to the sushi place you're going to drop at least 80 90 bucks on a good sushi dinner and if your chick's a fatty well she's probably going to want a couple of schools of fish and she'll probably eat them with her pelican chin that's going to cost you a couple of grand so if you're on your way to the expensive sushi thing do like i do man they want raw

fish stop at the pet store there's always a pet store on the way to the sushi restaurant Come on, economize. A dollar 99 for 12 goldfish versus 899 for a sea urchin ass. Get some guppies. 40 guppies for $8 versus 1299 for some lobster balls. I mean, come on. Oh, I love helping you people out. It's a fishy world, but I'm keeping you on course.

Harlan Williams here, happy eatings. Isn't it sweet? Isn't it true? Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's a pretty good tip if you ask me. And that was free. That one was a freebie. You're not going to get any bill in the mail. The Harland Highway cordially invites you to pay $7.99 for that dating tip.

No, that was free. All of this is free. And that's a good price. Free is one of the best prices going nowadays. but um we all love to eat we all love to go out on dates and eat one of the foods that i've been getting frustrated with as of late that has uh somehow gone through an evolution since the time i was a wee little boy our eggs i think most of us are egg eaters right we all like an egg now and then an e gg excellent batman excellent

remember that guy I don't even remember his name but he was a villain and he was an egg guy I don't know who thought that villain up but he should be fired like his big

his big weapon is eggs I don't know it's a strange world but getting back to my commentary about eggs is it just me or are they getting way too big they just seemed to be growing and growing when i was a kid we just had eggs good old farm

fresh eggs standard everyday size eggs the size of eggs and then all of a sudden we got large eggs right remember suddenly we got the large eggs and then we got these things called double a eggs right i don't know what that means double a a and then they called some eggs up from the minor leagues and we got triple a eggs and then we got extra large eggs extra large like large and triple a wasn't enough we need extra large we need more egg in that shell and then they went to jumbo okay now we got jumbo eggs what where are they getting these eggs did somebody locate a lost island in the French Polynesian territory in the South Pacific?

Did someone uncover a new Easter Island-type environment where dodo birds and triceratops and pterodactyls are still flying around? Laying giant eggs. I'm scared to crack an egg, man. They're so big. I'm afraid if I crack an egg a velociraptor's going to come out. Crack Come back here and make me an omelet

It is frightening I shouldn't be afraid of my breakfast items I don't get terrified by bacon It just sits there and stares at me with its fat, white marbled eyes Wait, does bacon have eyes What am I talking about? What am I a peewee's playhouse suddenly? Yeah, good morning, Mr. Bacon.

Hello, peewee. Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle, Mr. Bacon. Okay, two of the worst impressions ever. Well, only one. One was a bad impression because it was peewee, but the Mr. Bacon one wasn't bad because it's the first time it's ever been done, so you can't tell me it was incorrect. That's exactly how Mr. Bacon sounds. Okay? Because I just made them up. But here's the other consideration, okay? So these genius scientists and genetic engineers somehow found a way to expand the egg, the chicken egg, to grow it and grow it and grow it and grow it and make it humongous. But, and but is the operative word here, did anyone?

stop to think? Did any of these geniuses stop and design the chickens, a new butthole? Because doesn't it make sense that if the egg's getting bigger, the butthole needs to get bigger?

Are there a bunch of chickens walking around going, hey, Merrill, is it just me? Or does your ass hurt like somebody just shoved a butt? barbershop pole up there yeah it's me too think the damn eggs are getting bigger i mean think about these poor chickens grunting pushing out these giant taradacto eggs and then if it isn't hard enough and this might get a little too personal here a little too graphic but imagine trying to push out an egg that's too big and if you can't imagine it let me help you

you paint kind of an overly graphic picture, but I'm doing this for the sake of scientific purposes. Try and think back if you can. I know it's not going to be pretty, but put your thinking cap on and try to pinpoint that moment in time, and I'm sure you remember it, because it was probably traumatic and almost made you cry. Try and think back to the biggest loaf, The biggest loaf you ever dropped in your life. And I hate talking about it, trust me. But I'm trying to make a point here. So go with me.

Think back to the biggest, widest, humongous three-hour log you ever pushed out of your tookus. And imagine the pain and the suffering and the pressure and the discomfort that was involved with pushing out. the biggest loaf you've ever had. I don't know what you ate. I don't know how much you ate. All we know is that at one point in life, everybody's had at least one giant pine tree come out of their crack.

Timber! She's a beauty! Okay, so picture all that pressure, all that work. And then imagine trying to do that, okay? well there's 700 other people watching you and there's a guy standing there in overalls a straw hat and a John Deere t-shirt he's standing there with a basket waiting for you to push it out

okay and your butthole just ain't big enough to push it out but you know you have to or you're going to the slaughterhouse huh it's enough to turn you off a full moon over my hammy they should rename that thing full moon over my hammy how about full basketball over my calamari ring hello anyways think about it in the meantime don't forget to send me your emails that's right at harland williams.com I want to read your emails. If you send me a good one, I might even read it on the air.

If you have a topic you'd like me to address, I will read it on the podcast here, the Harland Highway podcast. Imagine that. Tune it into the Harland Highway, and there's your email being read out loud by me, Harland Williams. Okay, that might not be so thrilling, but it will be fun to talk about some of the topics that you guys want to talk about.

I'm sure I've got an opinion or a thought or some constructive advice or something of that sort, right? The other thing is please check into harloweems.com and check in to see if our store is up and running yet, our web store. It might not by the time you hear this,

but if it's not running, it will be up and running soon, where you can get all kinds of really cool gifts and presents and things for your friends or things for yourself. You might be one of those people like love to buy presents, but for nobody else. Like on Christmas morning, there's tons of presents under the tree for you, and they're all from you. To Margaret from Margaret.

love margaret um so anyways i won't i won't drag it out but be sure to uh write me at harlem williams com and uh we'll get a little dialogue going via the email you know i had a question does anyone even know what the e stands for in email real quick do you actually know i think i know i've never really asked someone. I just, this email thing just kind of dropped in my lab. I was like, oh, yeah, email. I believe it's electronic mail, right? But I don't want to be presumptuous and just, you know, I don't think I ever actually asked someone what that E-standed for. Maybe it stands for idiot. You idiot. It's email, you idiot. I don't know. But if I'm wrong, again, correct me. Shoot me an email, shoot me an idiot mail, and tell me that I'm wrong.

If I'm wrong, tell me I'm wrong. But if I'm right, make love to me, Tiger. Okay, that was real creepy, and I don't know why I did that. But it sure felt good if I'm wrong, tell me I'm wrong. But if I'm right, make love to me, Tiger. That's your homework for today. that's going to be your catch phrase for the day at some point today as your Harland Highway homework

and I don't often give you homework people so don't whine to me at some point today when you're in a conversation with somebody I want you to pull that out and use it on them and just watch their face and I want you to put all the drama into it that I just put into it like you can be talking about the score of a baseball game

yeah watch the baseball game and it was a 7-5 for the Yankees. And then you can just BS him and go, no, it was 11-2 for the red wings. And the guy goes, no, you're wrong. And then you go, if I'm wrong, tell me I'm wrong. But if I'm right, make love to be, Tiger. And you'll probably be kicked out of the house or disowned

or possibly shot, which is what we probably. deserve for that but i just want to hear what the faces look like on these people you might lose a friend but hey when you lose a friend you can always gain another friend right and that is the life quest of our friend eddie who we check in on from time to time poor eddie just looking for someone to have a beer with trying to connect with another human being maybe have a barbecue. Dear lovable Eddie, before we go today on the Harland Highway, let's make our final thing of the day to check in and see if Eddie's finally found a drinking buddy. Here we go. We look forward to catching you next time on the Harlan Highway.

And until then, let's see how Eddie's doing. This is Eddie. He wants to party, but they just hang up. Hello? Hey, what's going on, man? Hi. Hey, you want to go grab a couple of beers? No. What the hell?

That was Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up. Harland Williams. Thank you.