The Harland Highway - 367: SUPER HERO'S, REVENGE, AND DRAGONS!

Episode Date: January 30, 2012

Fast talking auctioneers, famous sayings, sleeping dragons, hero poses, getting revenge, NFL showboating, saving pennies. Big clumps of skunk munk!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, what do you mean? It's an action-packed show, Mary? I mean, what's that mean exactly? It means Jimmy Stewart, worst impression ever, that it's an action-packed show. Yeah, today's podcast, just full of stuff, man. And actually, I realized that I have a lot of things to beef about today. So I hope you're in the mood to hear some of my beefs about things, including pennies do we hate pennies i know i do um i'm mad at one of the technological devices in my home that has what i've coined as the sleeping dragon syndrome um how about sayings do you like

silly sayings we're going to analyze some of the more popular iconic sayings that we use in our everyday lives. And then I'm really pissed off at some superheroes, man. Oh, yeah, some of these action heroes and way to you hear why. I think they're going all mottily on my ass. And then today I'm getting revenge. I'm talking about, oh, I took some revenge out on someone and it felt so good and you might want to do the same thing. And also, auctioneers. How fast can you talk? Are you an auctioneer? Are you, are you, are you? I don't know, but you're going to find out right here. All right now, on the Harland Highway!

Welcome to the Harland Highway. Relax. Get ready to have fun. Wow! What we've got here is failure to communicate. One Keith Burger was everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien.

It's all for you. This is Harland Williams. I'm a human bee. God damn it. Oh, yeah, oh yeah. This is Harlan Williams, and you're rolling down the Harland Highway. Damn straight, you are. Oh, yeah, damn straight. That's an interesting saying.

Do you think gay people can say that? Damn straight. I don't think technically they can. Can they? I mean, if you're a gay person, you'd be like, oh yeah damn gay unless you're by damn straight no damn gay i mean no damn bye damn damn nothing i'm just confused now these weird sayings shiver me timbers oh break that one down man shiver me timbers yeah hey buddy go chop me some firewood and throw it in my

freezer. Why would I do that, man? Because I want to shiver my timbers. I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. Yeah, here's a horse. Go to it, Fatso. How about I'm so hungry, I could eat a nice buffet dinner? Whatever happened to that's saying?

I'm so hungry I could eat some nice lamb chops with some parsley garnish and some wonderful scalloped potatoes and fresh snow potatoes. peas. Why are the horses suffering? I'm so hungry I could eat a family and a Volkswagen. Get your sayings together people. Here's

a saying. Keep it here on the Harland Highway with me. Your host, Horse Face, Harlan Williams. Yeah, and thinking, not thinking, well I guess I got to be thinking to speak about something, so I'm thinking

about speaking about faces that you don't see forget about a horse face um you know when you don't see a human face and it drives me nuts and uh i've got proof to back this up and i don't know if it'll drive you nuts man but i can't take it anymore settle down harlan shut up no here's what it is i like the movies i like going to the movies i like going to the movies I like the action movies. I like the monster movies. I like the superhero movies. And what I can take anymore, and even though it looks cool,

it probably should have only squeaked through in one or two movies, but now everybody's doing it. Here's what it is. The superhero, whether it's Iron Man or, you know, Daredevil or Spider-Man or Superman or platypus man, I don't know. They're flying around in the air, or they jump off a building, or they smash through a wall, they're airborne,

and they land, okay? And they land in a crouch that looks very similar to how Tim Tebow kneels on the football field with his head down praying. Now, they're not praying, but what they do is they land and they're in a crouch and one knee's on the ground and one foot's on the ground and their head is curled up into their chin and they're looking down into the ground and what you see is them kneeling there with their sword or their laser gun and you see the top of their head

you see the crown of their head and they sit there crouched for a minute for dramatic effect and then they slowly look up, right? They slowly lift their head and you see their face. And it's like, all right, now somebody's going to pay. Okay, dramatic effect, it looks cool. Here's the problem. Well, this idiot superhero is crouched in this pose where he can't, here she can't see a thing,

head to the ground, you know, striking a pose. so he looks cool. There's 95 robots with machine guns and laser guns running all around him trying to kill him. So where in that equation when you're in the middle of a gunfight, when you're in the middle of taking fire,

where in that moment do you have time to go, you know what, I think just to look a little intimidating and cool, I'm going to start. I could pose here for a minute. If everyone could just hold off, please, everybody. Can we stop firing our guns for a minute, people? People, please. Hello. Hello, trying to make an impact here, okay? Would everyone just stop trying to kill me for a minute, okay? I'm going to kneel. I'm going to land. I'm going to bend my head down. It's going to be about a three, four second pose. I'm going to look up, very intimidating, kind of sexy with my cheeks sucked in and my, my brow, you know, furrowed.

Give me those few seconds and then start shooting at me again, okay? Can we do that? Bad guys. It's annoying. Now you're probably going to notice it and go, thanks, Harlan, thanks for wrecking another movie for me, Guy. Well, you're welcome, because I ain't putting up with it no more, plail. guys bending down you think lee harvey oswald when he shot kennedy like bent down for a minute before he shot huh i think the guys in the navy seals you know before they took out bin lad and they smashed through the wall went to one knee kind of bent down looked at the ground and looked up and said what's up motherfucker no you go in with the guns a blazon. There's no time

for you to be a GQ model. End of story. Now, everybody put down your head and pray that they put an end to that BS. It looked like this body's been here for quite a while, Detective. What do you think

the motive is? It's always the same thing. Revenge. Oh, revenge, huh? Revenge is a evil thing that weighs on your shoulders. You've got to let it go, man. But I did it once. I got to be honest.

I got revenge once. Somebody had it coming. Somebody took the boots to me once, okay? Let me put it there. Somebody slapped me around. I was in a defenseless position, and someone took advantage of me. And I went back.

I tracked him down and punched him right in the face. Let me tell you this story It was the beginning of my life Okay I'm coming out of my mother As a baby And This doctor grabs me

Pulls me out into the world I'm not even a minute old I'm not even 30 seconds old And he holds me up on my feet Upside down And smacks me and it hurt man I started crying

I was like I mean what kind of world am I coming into less than a minute into it and I'm violently assaulted I'm like do I litigate

do I retaliate do I get this guy thrown in the slammer for beating a child I'm like no man I'm going to bide my time revenge will be my medicine

So I've been waiting and waiting and waiting for 30, 40 years. I looked on my birth certificate. I got his name. I tracked him down. Dr. James Walters. Ha! I show up at his office one day. Hello, can I help you?

Yeah, you can help me all right, Doc. What do you got, a cold, a virus? You got some kind of thing of my jigger I can look at, Oh, yeah? No, what I got is a balled-up fist. Payback is a beauch, Doc. This is for slapping my bare ass when I was 33 seconds old. Watch who you're pushing around next time.

My name's Harland Williams. You can find me on the Harland Highway. Ah, right? Am I right? and how many you want to like track down your birth doctor but you didn't think about that huh when they pull you out of your mother and hang you upside down like they're pulling a crab off the deadliest catch like they're pulling a wiggly tuna fish inside of a charter fishing boat you haven't even had a chance to say anything yet 40 year old man hangs upside down and

slaps around how many of you now that i've taken the lead are going to hunt down your doctor and give him a shot that would be funny if we really did that well i did it i mean yeah that was real i mean come on guys that was real whatever um but speaking of giving a shot oh my god you know who i'd love to give a shot to. And this goes back into posing again, okay? Because we were talking about, talking earlier about superheroes posing. Well, there's modern-day superheroes, and they're called athletes, and they're called football players.

Okay? And I don't know if you follow the NFL, but I don't know if it's men playing the game or a bunch of nine-year-old idiots, and here's why. Okay, they came up with this rule where after you make a big play, or specifically if you score a touchdown, all right, you're not allowed to grandstand, you're not allowed to showboat, you're not allowed to put on a little performance.

They consider it unsportsmanlike conduct. Now, personally, I think it's lame. I don't see why someone shouldn't be able to celebrate out. after a goal. But I guess it got to a point where the NFL players were taking it to an extreme where they're starting to choreograph things and do things in unison, and they're starting to do dances and cartwheels. And it was like, it was like, you know, you score a touchdown and basically begin your

audition for Cirque de Soleil. It was like, touchdown, San Francisco touchdown. And look at that triple reverse inverted car. cartwheel with the pinwheel and the double reverse somersault backspin stretch flip oh my god you know it's it just got ridiculous so here's what happened the NFL laid down the law they laid down the rule and they say you're not allowed to showboat you're not allowed to be grandiose and put on a display above and beyond what is practical and normal And if you do it, you're going to get a penalty. And that penalty usually comes in the form of, you know, 15 yards on the next following kickoff or who knows how it comes.

Regardless, a penalty is a penalty. And if you get a penalty, that means your team is penalized. Not penalized. Penalized. You know, penalized. Let's not get into it penalized. your team is penalized. Let me pronounce it that way. And that means you are going backwards.

That means you are at a deficit. That means the officials are giving you a penalty, which is causing your team for whatever reason, whether it's yardage or whatever, to be at a disadvantage momentarily. And in sports and in football, it's all about moments. It's all about increments. And so these little things that seem like nothing could turn out to bite you in the ass

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And here's where I get my peeve on, okay? These grown man, these professional air quotes, players who know the rules, continue to do it. I don't know if you watched the game between the New York Giants and the San Francisco 49ers recently. But early, Willie in the game, one of the San Francisco team members scored a touchdown. And after he finished, he actually jumped up onto one of the platforms where they keep the TV cameras. Okay, he stepped up off of the field, was on a raised platform, and was striking poses on the damn camera platform. and the guy got a 15-yard penalty, okay, for the next returning kickoff. And I'm just like, at what point, I mean, you play this game, okay, you play this game,

you pretty much know the rules. At what point did you think it was a good idea to get up and showboat and cost your team to have a penalty that could ultimately lead to something horrible happening? If you're an indie driver, if you're a race car driver, if you're in the Daytona 500, are you going to take a little time off during your laps and do some fish tails or maybe some donuts or maybe pull into the drive-through or, you know, maybe slow down and listen to some Enya on your car stereo? No, you're going to stay focused. The whole race, you know that one wrong move could hurt you.

and in racing, it could be lethal. You could lose your life. So why not the focus in football? Why do you guys constantly act like little kids and totally disregard that rule? And they go, I'm going to do a dance. I'm going to do a handstand. I'm going to spike the ball in the other guy's face.

I'm going to. It just drives me nuts, man. It drives me nuts the lack of discipline. And it's a little thing. It's a picky thing. I admit it. But if I was a coach, I'd be like, hey, come here, you, you, you, yeah. What are you?

Aren't you, what, 30 years old? You're a full grown man, right? You're a full grown man. And how long you've been in the league? What, 12 years? Yeah, you've been 12 years. And you're full grown, right, fully developed physically, mentally. And you know all the rules, right?

You've signed a big, what was it, a $28 million contract. So I'm guessing you know the rules and you've been on all the training camps. and you've dedicated your life to playing this game where we chase a ball. And one of the easiest rules to remember is that when you get a touchdown, celebrate lightly, celebrate graciously, don't break into a square dance, you idiot.

You know what, go sit on the bench. Better you go to the locker room. Better you go to Vegas and apply for a job at Cirque de Soleil. I mean, it's just so ridiculous. Look at me. You know, maybe I'm over thinking it. Maybe you're like, Williams, climb off it, man.

It's just a little thing. But it's not a little thing. You hear me? It's not a little thing. It's a big thing. It's costing. Oh, Charles. Oh, Nelson, Riley.

Oh, God. Unbelievable. So there you go. That's my rant about that. Could there be anything more annoying than what I just talked about? Oh, yeah, I think there is. How about pennies, perhaps? Hey, man, can you let me a quarter?

Come on, man. Just give me a little change, man. Just I want to buy a cup of coffee that looks like, bottle of whiskey, but I'm really just getting a cup of coffee, man. Man, are you like me? You got too much change. Just piling up at your house. Every time you go home, your pockets feel heavy. You feel like Robin Hood. You've got a little bag of gold in your pocket. Then you got to do the laundry so you take it out and you leave it on the counter. It just sits there forever. You never pick it up again. Next time you get it, it's worth like triple and triple and

value because it's dated for so long now it's a rare and valuable coin because he just left it laying there for 30 years why isn't everything just rounded off to dollars that's a dollar that's a dollar how much is this a dollar how about this that's a dollar that's seven dollars what's the change thing does it really matter that much and pennies why do we collect pennies why do we even have a penny If we can't round off to the dollar, can we at least round off to the nickel? Not a nightmare. That'll be 96 cents. Oh, here's your four pennies.

That'll be 91 cents. Here's your nine pennies. Oh, God. And we saved the pennies for what? What are we going to do with the pennies? Nothing. They just sit there. Forever and ever.

Ooh, someday. Look at my penny collection, man. Oh, wow, look at that. I bet there's, oh, you count all those up, man. Oh, my God. I bet there's, wow, that jar is full. That's got to be, I'm sitting on, oh, boy, that's what, $6? Oh, my God, I got $6.

Oh, I don't know. What are we going to do about pennies? throw them in a wishing well and hope they all go away that's why oh and even more annoying and look at me today i'm i'm airing out all my annoyances i'm i'm i'm cleansing myself i'm you know all these things that are annoying me poses and pennies and you know doctors that punched me and just getting it all out so well i'm on a roll let me get this one one out is it just me or to any of you friendly folks any of you pavement pounders do you have a printer or some kind of electrical device perhaps a wireless device and i'm specifically talking about

i have a wireless printer so i can print from multiple you know laptops and computers and whatever. And every time I go to print, I'm thinking, okay, it's like a light switch, right? You hit print, click, and then it prints out the paper, right? Like, quick, over, done. You know, maybe you're rushing to a meeting and you're like, oh my God, MapQuest, MapQuest. Okay, let me look up the address. There it is. Okay, I'm just going to hit print. Click, got it, out the door. No. And again, maybe this is just me, but how many of you have what I call sleeping dragon syndrome? I got this damn, and it's an ultra-modern wireless photocopier printer scanner thing, right?

No, it's top of the line, trust me. But whenever I go to fire this sucker up, it's like waking a sleeping dragon, the rumbling, the grumblings, the moaning, the groaning, the noises, the, it's just like rolls around and grunts and grumbles and huffs and puffs and does everything but print my crap. Listen to this. This is what it does. I actually recorded it so you could hear what I have to deal with, and maybe you're going through the same Sleeping Dragon Syndrome.

Check it out. This is my damn printer. When I press print, this is the attitude I get. Listen to this. Can I have my damn copy, please? Hello? Dragon. Wake up.

Wake up, Dragon. Hello? It's unbelievable. Like, I sit through a minute of this. It's like, you know, I'm late for a meeting. Can I make you some bacon and eggs, sleeping dragon? Good Lord, man. Get your ass in gear.

You heard of the 21st century? It's like starting up a car and it doesn't work and you've got to get out and push it. I wasn't the one that made the clam. Ooh, I'm the fancy wancy wireless. I do everything, I can scan you, I can photocopy, I can print, I can do a DNA blood test, I can clone you. You know, I didn't make all the fancy claims. Don't sit around and grumble at me, buddy, okay? Maybe I'll just photocopy you and use the photocopy of you and get rid of you.

Go please, up yours too. lip off to me, little wireless, wireless freak. Ugh. Anyways, I don't know if you go through it like I do. Maybe you have some stories to tell. If you want to call, you know the number. 888-52090, or you can write me at Harlem Williams.com and tell me your technology horror story. I just wish my damn wireless printer worked a lot faster because I don't have time to wait. I need speed. I need things fast.

I need things really quick. I need my copies. I need my copies. I need my copies. I need my copies. I need my scant. Sold a new printer. You're there 85 double five.

You don't want to bid 85 double five going once at 80. Now 5. 85 to 85 to 80. 80. 80 now 5. 5.5. $0. I sold them out $80 dollars. Man, that guy was talking so fast.

What did I just buy? Huh? You ever hear these guys, the auctioneers? Oh, man, can they motor? Yo-ho, we got $30 here. $40.50. Now, $60.50. 60-by-60 there.

50-60 there. 50. Somebody. Somebody there. Somebody. Somebody. These guys can fly, man. What language are they speaking?

I wish other things in life happen that fast. Shouldn't auctioneers do everything that takes too long? Like, no offense if you go to church every Sunday, but you've got to admit, those priests are pretty long-winded, man. God's the Lord was born. Jesus Christ is a lover was born. Then we put him on a cross. We have Christmas every year. We'll see you next week. Gone. 14 second mass.

Oh, man. Or how about you women out there? You poor women who get pregnant and have to go through labor. Some women go through 18 hours, 24 hours of labor. A woman should be able to get pregnant when the time comes, go into the hospital, lay down on the table and the auctioneer doctor comes running in,

stands between her legs and just goes breathe breathe, push push push push up shop, beeper be there's your kid. Boom! No pain, no suffering, no groaning. Oh, what's that? You wish I was an auctioneer so I could get through this damn show faster?

How dare you? Just for that, you're getting a bit of this. This is Harland Williams, and you're on the Harland Highway. Ha ha. We out. Amen. Oh, yes. I'm a slow talker.

But you love it, right? I mean, you know, I talk slow. It lets us spend more time together every day. And speaking of time, Oh, golly, look at the time. We are out of it. We are, maybe I did talk too fast today. Bummer dudes and dudeers.

Dude and dudeers and dude teen dudes and adolescent dudes and dude babies and senior dudes. All dudes and dudeettes, dude. We are done. We are done for yet another day. But thank you for being here. Great to have you. And let me get through some updates for you here, ladies and germs. Don't forget that February 9th through the 11th,

I am going to be opening the comedy room at the Paris Casino in Las Vegas. It's a brand new comedy room opening up. and I'm kicking it off. I'm the headlining act on the opening week of the club, which will be February 9th through the 11th. And if you're in old Lars Vagarsh, come on out to the Paris Casino and catch the show. It's going to be a blast.

We're going to have a lot of fun. And looking forward to seeing you there if you can make it. uh and if you can't make that one by golly uh listen to this if you live in hollywood hollywood california valentines day february 14th i will be doing a one-night show at the improv in hollywood for valentines that'll be uh february the 14th and then on that weekend guess who's going to dallas look out lee harvey i'm going to be in dallas texas at the improv in Dallas, February 16th to the 19th, and I'll tell you what, I have not been back to Texas to do stand-up in about four or five years.

So all you fans who are out in Texas and want to see Daddy bust his move, come on out. I think it's Addison, which is just outside of Dallas, but I'll just say Dallas to keep it safe. And come on out and check it out. Harlan Highway is available on Stitcher Radio so you can hear the highway whenever you want on your cell phone and don't forget to go to Harlandwilliams.com where our store, the web store, prices have been slashed to help everyone through the economy.

And I hope you like what you see. You can big up CDs, books, kids books, T-shirts, DVDs, my movies, my comedy CDs. you can pick up a headshot if you want I mean you can pick up my book the things you don't know you don't know it's all there check it out we ship it out to you right to your front door it's good stuff good for a present good for you and then more exciting stuff

coming down the pipe as we get into the new year here I'm off to shoot a movie in March I'll tell you all about that and some upcoming shows. It's going to be a lot of fun, brand new movie for the kid, and so on and so forth. So that's it.

That is all we have time for today. I don't know why I'm ending with this stupid voice, but thank God it's ending. That's all we got. Thanks again, folks, and we'll catch you next time. And until then, chicken chow main, baby.

You got some kind of thing I can look at for you. No, what I got is a bald-up fist. Payback is a biotch, Doc.