The Harland Highway - 368: CINNAMON BOY, TURNING INVISBLE, E-BAY

Episode Date: February 2, 2012

Yes, sadly that idiot Cinnamon Boy drops by today, uggg! Also, turning invisble, E-Bay purchases, junk in the trunk, and camera madness. Pollute Pluto!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

And Bingo was his name. Oh, B-I-N-G-O. I don't know why someone named their kid Bingo. A lot of old ladies hanging around if you name your kid Bingo. Hello! Welcome to the Harland Highway. Can you see me? Can you see me?

No, that's because I'm invisible. Well, I'm not invisible, but can you believe they're figuring out how to make things invisible? We're going to talk about that. eBay, you can buy anything. want on eBay. Wait do you hear what I bought on eBay? And do you have junk in your trunk? You're going to say, no, I don't have junk in my trunk. I beg to differ. I guarantee you have junk in your trunk. Wait till we get into that. Cameras. Have you got a camera on your phone? Do you have a camera in general? I'm going to talk about the way cameras have changed and the implications of cameras changing. And

why do we say cheese when we take a picture? I don't know. We're going to have to talk about that. Speaking of cheese, you ever put that on your cauliflower? Because there's something about cauliflower that you didn't know that you're about to find out. And then somebody's dropping by the studio that I cannot stand.

He hasn't been here for a while. Someone get me a barf bag so I can throw up all over. The Harland! Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway Relax Get ready to have fun

What we've got here is failure to communicate One Keithburger With everything Coming up You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway Look at me Damien

It's all for you This is Harland Williams I'm a human being God damn it. Hey everybody, this is Harland Williams, and you're on the Harland Highway. Welcome to. The government doesn't want you to know. Did you know that cauliflower is just broccoli that saw a ghost?

It was so scared by the ghost, it turned a pasty white. the government doesn't want you to know. I mean, come on, come on. Come on, come on now. Hey, won't you now? Hyland Williams. And here's something the government maybe shouldn't let us know, but this story came up again.

Turning things invisible. Can you believe it? I guess scientists of Berkeley and other scientists around the world have been working on cloaking things. which is basically making them invisible. And it's not a matter of science fiction. It's a matter of science fact.

And I guess the way they do it is they divert light around three-dimensional objects that give the impression that the object isn't there. It's like a cloaking system. And it sounds like they've been able to make a material that potentially bends light around objects to make them invisible. And I guess by diverting light around objects, they can make things disappear like tanks and buildings and people and, you know. So you can only imagine the applications that, you know, people would use this for,

the military or whatever. And here's a little write-up. It says, we see things by gathering the light. that bounces off of objects around us. That light brings with it information about our surroundings. But the Berkeley cloaking technique bends light the wrong way so that it diverts around objects instead of bouncing off of them. For example, light from across the room might pass entirely around a desk.

When that light reaches our eyes, it only transmits information about the last thing it hits. The wall across the room, giving us the moment. mistaken impression that there's nothing in between. So how about that? Isn't that a little wild? You know, I've always said it, and I've said it on this show, man. Anything human beings can think of in their imagination, I think they can make happen in real life. And from what I understand, they were only able to do it for, like, a fraction of a second.

you know, they're able to make some object invisible. But what more do you need? The door is open, right? The door is open. So, you know, further on down the road, you know, what started off as a part of a second could maybe sometime be sustained for hours and days and weeks or, you know, imagine you wake up one day,

and downtown is gone or your car's not in the driveway or your wife is missing how i mean uh you know wow it's pretty freaky man we could we could get rid of all the things we didn't want the only thing is it's a trick it's not like uh the stuff's disappearing and it's gone it's still there it's just that our eyes have been tricked it's like one of those goofy optical illusion You know, when you stare at a checkerboard intensely for nine hours and when you, you know, you keep staring, it looks like it's moving or you start to see an old lady's face in it or a, you know, a pizza grows out of your eyes or you know what I mean, don't you? So anyways, I thought that was a fascinating story and it's just, who thinks of this stuff? Like some guy wake up in the morning and goes, you know what? that light coming in my window that beautiful morning light i'm gonna bend that crap

huh yeah you heard me i there's light coming in my window i'm gonna bend it well what do you mean bend it well i'm gonna bend it like i bend an old coat hanger well you how can you you can't grab light well i'm gonna find a way i'm just i'm in a mood what what's wrong with you i'm just in a mood what's wrong with you i'm just in a a mood i want to bend something well why don't you bend this old coat hanger no i need some more chowd think i'm going to bend me some light well we don't know what will happen if you bend the light well maybe things will go invisible who knows oh don't be a jackass things going invisible by bending light what are you stupid i said it what are you stupid where are you bill bill where are you

I was just standing here talking to you Where the hell are you? Oh, I'm right here No, you're not Yeah, I just bent the light, jackass What the hell, you son of a bitch I'm gonna hate you Yeah, try and find me, chubby Oh, you son of a bitch

So I don't know What the hell was that? I just staged a fight between two people A scientist and a bitch a beauch and a light bender so you know this stuff amazes me i don't know if you guys are like ooh ah you're just like whatever but

you know i i i'm going to say this i'm going to say that before i'm going to say before 30 nah maybe i better push it i'm going to say before 45 years go by we're going to be floating they're going to figure out how to make people float That's my prediction. Will I still be alive? I don't know.

I might be floating on my way up to heaven, going into the light, flying into the light. Oh, don't go into the light. My stupid husband will bend it. You'll never get there. Huh? 25. 35, 35, 35, 45, 45, 55, 55, 55.

Sold to the fat guy in the tight spandex pants. Yeah, that's right. eBay, man. Online auction. You can buy everything and anything on eBay, man. I mean, you type it in. It's for sale. People are selling anything.

I went on yesterday, and I'm not kidding. I bought my dad. Okay, yeah, that's right. I bought my father. He was on sale. I got into a bidding war with some guy in, like, the Netherlands. And I won. I bought my old man.

and now it's payback time. I own his ass. Now I burst into his room at like six in the morning. Get up and go take the garbage out, Dad. I thought I told you to rake the lawn, Dad. No, you're not watching that TV show. You're going to bed early. And no dessert, Dad.

Come your hair and take that dirty t-shirt off, Dad. What did you say? say to me it's weird man when you own your dad you ever have to spank your dad you get over here dad you pull those trousers down and i'm gonna give you the whippin of your life dad take that and that and that that'll teach you to lip off to me dad wouldn't that be fun owning your dad make him do all the things he made you do thank you eBay I'm going to go buy some more stuff

I think I'll buy like a Portuguese family of circus midgets and I think I'll buy an old army helmet and Liberace's toenail clippers and a cabbage shaped like Richard Simmons thanks eBay more junk in my trunk Do you use your trunk in your car? Are you one of those people?

You ever do that? Somehow you see in a friend's trunk. Like they go to get something or they ask you to go get something out of their car or whatever and you open their trunk. And it's not like they're going anywhere, right? They're not traveling. They're not packing their bags for Florida.

But you open their trunk and it looks like you ever seen those scenes where a tornadoes, rips through a neighborhood and just scatters everything and mixes everything together and you open a friend's trunk and there's a pair of hockey skates and a dress and some photographs and an accordion and a recipe book and some gloves and a toy dump truck you're right it's people just do that and and i don't have a trunk because i drive a pickup truck so i got the back seat i got the front seat of my pickup truck and i got the back seat and like every every like six weeks i go back there and i'm like oh here's some tennis balls here's some running shoes oh there's that shirt i wanted here's an old bag of bugles here's a pizza crust here's a headshot oh here's that document i was looking for there's my briefcase there's an old bag of Chipotle

I wonder what that smell was there's some old pretzels there's a bunch of change there's a $10 bill wow I mean talk about junk in the trunk man

right it's just like crazy it's like a flea sale back there it's like one of those horrible garage sales you go to and people throw their crap all over the front lawn It's in your trunk.

It's in your back seat. What is it that we just store stuff in there? And we think, I'll get that later. I'll get that tomorrow. I'll get that next week. I'll get that in four years. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex?

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Bing. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And when you clean it out, you feel good, right? Your trunk's all empty and nice. Your back seats all empty and nice. And you're like, why did I ever let it get like that? What was I thinking? What am I doing? And then you realize everything in your life is like that, your glove box, your dash, where you keep your coffee cup and your change, right? How many you have like 9 million pennies in your cup holder and coffee stains and Coca-Cola drippings and Kleenex between the seat and your seat belt's got gum on it.

Your dashboard's got crap and there's a leave in your windshield wiper and it's the same thing. You go in your house, the kitchens like that. You got that one pile of stuff on the dining room table or beside your bed. Right? There's that collection of oddities. There's three CDs and a book you were starting to read and a clippings from a magazine and a sock

and a little, some kind of weird plug from one of your computers or your phones. Maybe there's a little toy. You know, you have these little piles. It's like we're pack rats. We get these little piles of stuff. junk in the trunk, man It's weird It's like we all

We're all like mini hoarders You ever see that show hoarders Where people just fill their house Well believe it or not We all have a little area somewhere Maybe it's in your bathroom Yeah yeah You're like oh not me I don't have a mini hoard

Did he just call me a whore? No a mini whore Well I'm not a mini whore either No hoarder you're a horde What did I hear? No, horde. I heard what? Ugh.

But anyways, you probably have that drawer in the bathroom. Right? Let's say you've got like four drawers and there's one with the soap and one with the razors and one with the medicines and then you have that one drawer where you're a mini hoarder.

It's got the roll on and it's got the dental floss and it's got an old teeth whitening kid and it's got an old brush with hair in it and four or five combs and a shoe and some old ointment that you don't even know what it's for anymore and some old pill bottle.

You know you're all mini hoarders. Hoarders! I say, Your Highness, get them. Get the mini hoarders. Yeah. And for some reason, I don't know if it brings us comfort or familiarity or what. But every night when you open that drawer or you open that glove box or maybe you have that one drawer in the kitchen that has the pens and the lighters and the thumbtacks and the paper clips and the Kleenex, right?

There's that one place. This is just my hoarder drawer. And we know we shouldn't have it. We know it wouldn't take that much time to clean it up. But you're like, oh, wait a minute, someday I might need that. book of matches and a band-aid and some cotton balls and a paper clip i might need them or what about that old keychain i might need that old key chain and and the the little fuzzy toy mm-hmm mini hoarders oh god junk in the trunk man maybe go clean it up or maybe just make it worse

Who knows? Sometimes you actually find stuff of value. Sometimes you actually find stuff, you're like, whoa, hey, $20 bill. Or sometimes you find stuff, you're like, oh, my God, that's the key to my safety deposit box. I forgot I had a safety deposit box. I better go check that out. So there you go. Just a little tip from me to you. You know, make sure you check your stuff.

Keep it clean and find any money, you know, because I gave you the idea, just send it my way. Well, I don't normally talk about politics. I guess I do sometimes, but I figure with the, you know, the elections heating up, the whole Republican race heating up, maybe it's time to, you know, check in, see where we're at with our politicians. and see how everyone's feeling, what they're thinking about the big race and how... Hold on. Is there someone at the door?

Who is it? Hi, I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon. Oh, God. What's the matter with you? What are you doing here, kid? I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon. Stop screaming, kid. Well, what do you want me to do?

I have to spread the word that cinnamon's here. What do you mean you have to spread the... Roger, why did you let him in? Oh, God. What do you mean you're spreading the word of cinnamon? Well, do you remember when Jesus walked the earth and spread the word of the Lord's Savior God? What are you talking about, kid?

Jesus Christ, our Savior, said that the Lord shall walk onto the earth for 17 days and 92 days. What did you just say? That makes no sense. Well, it does if you believe in St. Cinnamon! What are you talking about? St. Cinnamon! The Lord of Cinnamon!

There's no St. Cinnamon. Well, clearly you don't read the Bible. I read the Bible, kid. There's no St. Cinnamon. You're making it up. Oh, I am, am I? Yeah, you are. Well, how about this?

How about what? How about the Lord Seth on the fourth day he shall come for? and thou shalt lay down my cinnamon because I'm cinnamon boy and I love cinnamon get out of here get the hell out of here Roger are you kidding me this idiot comes in and he now he's quoting the Bible there's 10 commandments yeah I know there's 10 commandments kid well maybe there's an 11th commandment that nobody knew about there's no 11th commandment kid there's 10 commandments thou shalt not steal Yeah Thou shalt not covet thy wife's husband Something like that

Thou shalt not have cinnamon Unless I say you have cinnamon Because I'm cinnamon boy And I love cinnamon Get out of here Up yours Get the hell out of here kid I'm not done yet

Oh you're not done yet Why? Because there's more cinnamon to talk about Because I'm cinnamon boy And I love cinnamon. Get out. Get the hell out. Roger, get him out of here.

This kid's escaped from a mental institution. He wanders around talking about cinnamon. That's right, because on the fourth day, the Lord said, let there be cinnamon. And he gave a cinnamon boy. And that's me. I'm cinnamon boy. And I love cinnamon. Get out.

Roger, how did this doorknob get into my studio? You want me to call security? Yeah, I want you to call security and have them put up a big sign that says, I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon. Get out of here! Roger, get it done! Okay, ass munch. And knock off the sassy talk.

If I wanted sassy talk, I'd ask for cinnamon boy, because I love cinnamon. Get out! Bionch! Take a picture of this. I don't know what it is. Remember the old days you'd take a picture. picture and flash the minute you press the button the flash bulb went off okay nowadays you get these cameras you press the button and you press the button and you press the button and you press

the button and the flash just waits and waits and waits and then finally it goes off and then people bring the camera halfway down and a second flash goes off I mean, wasn't technology supposed to get faster and smarter? Was it just cameras that got retarded? By the time a flash goes off, you could actually hire an artist to do an oil painting of yourself.

By the time that second flash goes off, you'd have time to go to the laser eye surgery place and have your cornea's repaired from the intensity of the first flash. Is it just mirror of the flashes getting brighter, man? I thought maybe a supernova went off or somebody lit some magnesium in front of my face. Come on, cameras.

Take a picture of this. Smarten up. Say cheese. Well, say moldy cheese because it took so long for everything to happen. The cheese has gone bad. Oh, and by the way, who came up with the say cheese thing? Like, was the original, like, photography thing

done by, like, a guy who photographed mice? Like, is that the origins of photography? I've created a device to capture the frozen images of rodents. What I do is I lure them out of their holes or their hiding places. I make them stand in a perfect line beside each other. And since they don't smile, I try to... conjure up imagery that will cause them to flash

their pearly white. So as the mice stand side by side, I yell say cheese and the mice break into broad, toothy smiles. It never fails.

I don't know. Who came up with that? Say cheese. It's not like does cheese, like does cheese make you smile. I guess when you say cheese causes your causes your mouth to go to the sides. Cheese. Try it right now. Huh? Try it. Say cheese. Now if you say it real fast, we just say cheese. Nothing.

But if you drag it out, like make your cheese, make it like three seconds. Cheese. I guess it works. Some oralist, if that's even a word, figured out out of all the words in our vocabulary that there's one word that if you stretch it out and say it, it will cause your mouth to form a, what looks like a smile.

It's not really a smile because you're talking about cheese. So I got to ask, what do they say in other languages? How do the French say it? I mean, in French, it's frommage. Allé, volle, frommage. That doesn't elicit a smile.

Try it. Say, frommage, even stretch it out. Frommage. Frommage, that causes your mouth to go into an O shape. Say them back to back. Cheese. Frommage. Cheese.

Fromage. There's something to do it. So what do the French say? What word do the French say to get the smile going? I don't know. I'm not fluent in French, so I don't know. What do the Germans say? Sligen is sloggen-fligen-sligen-sligen-slige-out that e-part

in schlegelty-slogen-fligen-fligen. I don't know. Wow. We might have uncovered a new mystery here. What is the rest of the world doing to smile when they have their picture taken? I don't know. Maybe it's one of those universal words. Maybe people in other cultures, other countries. Maybe it's like the word no is almost like,

nine yit no ne na ni it's kind of the same maybe every country has their own version of cheese cheese to tonkeys i don't know big question big big probing question of the day say cheese and then i mean i got to admit it makes me hungry you know some guys standing there doing my family boy say cheese everybody you know what can i just say like cheeseburger? Because, you know, you start talking about cheese, Sandy, and I feel like I need a cheeseburger, you know?

Like extra onions and pickles, and I could just picture that cheese melting off the side of the bun and dripping down off the meat. Screw your pictures. I'm going over to Burger King, man. Wait, come back. Sorry, man.

I don't know. that I'm stretching. What about cinnamon on your burger? Why don't we just say cinnamon? Get out of here. Well, if you don't like cheese, say cinnamon. Because I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon. Cinnamon.

Take my picture. Cinnamon, cinnamon, cinnamon, cinnamon, get out. Roger! I thought we were past that demented idiot. I'm onto a new thing, and there he is. again you're really pushing it you're really grinding it mental case i'm gonna i'm ending the show i'm that just now i'm like sour cheese that's it i'm ending the show cinnamon boy i have to apologize what a dork what a stupid doork of a dork

Um, well, let's, I don't want to go out in a bad mood. So let's talk about some good stuff, all right? How about this? How about, uh, I'm going to be in Las Vegas there. That's good. Um, I'm going to be in Las Vegas at the Paris Casino, February 9th, which is a Thursday through Saturday, the 11th, 910, and 11. We're opening a brand new stand-up comedy room at the Paris. casino. This is opening weekend. I'm kicking it off. We're going to have a blast. So come on out if

you live in Vegas or in the vicinity, man. And we're going to have a riot baby. And then don't forget Valentine's Day. Hello. If you're in Los Angeles, if you're in Hollywood and you don't have any plans for you and your date, come down to the Hollywood Improv where I'm going to be doing a special one night only valentine's day show and that's a great place it's fun it's romantic we're going to be doing some humor you know based on love and romance and intimacy and uh you know it'll set your evening up you go out you have some drinks you have some chuckles and then you go back home and do what you got to do say cheese if you know what i mean um and then uh Dallas Dallas Texas I'll be at the improv the 16th through the 19th in Dallas, Texas.

It's going to be a good time. I haven't been back to Texas for a little while. So come on out and see the kid do his thing. And that's it for the announcements. Don't forget we're back on Stitcher.com. So you can get the Harland Highway on your cell phone. They'll always be there for you. and also don't forget to check out harlone williams.com go to our store where we've lowered

all the prices on all the merchandise during this tough economy and you know what they say laughter's the best medicine so if you want to pick something up we'll mail it out to you and keep you smiling and that's it my friends are so good to have you here tell your friends to jump on the highway and uh we look forward to next time. But until next time, how about this? How about chicken chamein, baby? Or how about this? Cinnamon! Because I'm cinnamon boy! And I love cinnamon! Get out!