The Harland Highway - 369: ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION, DATING, MOOSE ATTACK

Episode Date: February 6, 2012

Listener phone calls, Illegal immigration, bad dating, when moose attack, a visit from Senior Fuentes. Snap a snap dragon!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A total eclipse of the heart. Turn around bright eyes. Yeah, turn around bright eyes. There's a podcast to attend. Okay? All right, sparkly eyes. Yeah, it's me, Harlan Williams. Welcome to the show.

Boys and girls, men and women, circus freaks, and whatnot. You ever been attacked by a moose? What do you hear about this moose attack? You won't believe your ears when you find out who got attacked by a moose in Alaska. How about dating? Are you on the dating scene? You ever get on one of those dates where it just doesn't work? You know, it's going bad right in the middle of it,

and you're trying to figure out how to cut the night short? I got something you can use. Oh, yeah, I'm looking out for you. How about a legal immigration and that wall that they're building? I don't think the wall really works So we're going to talk about an alternative To a wall to keep illegals out And so on and so forth

We're going to be taking some of your phone calls today Some of your phone messages Which is always fun, you never know what you're going to get And then a visitor drops by the studio I won't tell you who it is As usual, it's someone completely annoying But I hope you're not annoyed because we want to have fun right here on the Harlan Highway.

Welcome to the Harland Highway. Relax. Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate. One cheeseburger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. This is Harland Williams.

I'm a human being. God damn it. Ah, hey everybody. Harlan Williams here. Ever go on a date and you realize halfway through? It ain't happening. There's about as much chance of you liking this person

as there is of Moby Dick jumping through the eye of a tiger. Whatever that means. I don't know what that means. And you don't know how to get out of it. Here's a little something I like to pull. I call it the Norman Bates.

That's the move. I'm pulling the Norman Bates. You become a mama's boy right before their eyes, but really extreme, like Norman Bates style. The date's like, Harlan, would you pass the salt and pepper? No, I don't think Mother would like it if I pass the Salt and Pepper.

Would you, Mother? Harland, are we going to the movie after dinner? No, Mother would not. like it if I went to the movie. Mother does not like it that I'm out with a girl. What? Excuse me? Mother will not let me say it again. Mother only lets me say it once. Um, Harlan, you're making me nervous. Take me home. Yes, mother would like me to take you home now. I know it's a little extreme, but sometimes you got to do what you got to do to get out of a bad date. Yeah, it's

Either that or I can bring them home and show them my apartment. That usually gets them out of there really fast. Uh, Harlan? Yeah. Mother wants me to get home right now. She does not like your apartment, Harlan. Great. The reverse Norman Bates burn. I better get in, pull into this hotel up here.

The Bates Hotel, here on the Harland Highway. Okay, I guess there's more mature ways to go about it. You know, I guess you could just say, hey, you know what? It's great to hang out with you, but, well, no, I guess there isn't. You got to think of something to get out of it, right? And speaking of getting out of it, there was a story in the paper with Sandy. There was a story in the paper where an 85-year-old woman beat the... back a stomping moose in Alaska.

Could you believe this? It's amazing what humans can do when either they don't think about it or they're just like, whatever, I'm 85. What do I got to lose? I've never beat a moose up before. So this couple, this elderly couple, were out walking their dogs.

You know, they took them out in the pickup truck and they pulled over and they're walking their old dogs. and a giant moose comes wandering out of the Alaskan wilderness and goes ape crap on the old man. And the old man takes a run for it and dives into a snowbank and the moose starts stomping into the snowmys. He's like, I know you're in the snowbank, player.

What's up? I got eyes in my big giant head. I saw you take a dive into the snow. Moose starts like stomping the old dude into the snow. broke some ribs, cut his head. So here comes the wife running over. What the hell's going on over there? Moose turns on her.

Old lady runs for the truck. I can't even imagine how fast an 85-year-old lady can run, but I guess if you've got a full-grown moose at your ass, you're going to go back to being 14 again. Like, phew! So she gets to the truck, grabs a shovel in the back of the truck, turns around and starts wailing on the moose. Moose, like, turns around and high tails it, according to the story, she wound up with all her 85-year-old strength and smack the thing on the ass. So God bless that old lady.

If there's an old lady Moose Beaton Award going around anywhere on the planet, it goes to her. Isn't that wild? And it made me think about animal attacks. I think I told you, you know, probably over a year ago. I was in Africa on safari. And I got charged by a silver-back gorilla, almost a 500-pound silver-back gorilla in the wild jungles of Africa. Okay, I went on this safari up into the jungles on the volcanoes

to look for wild mountain gorillas. Okay, you've seen them in the zoo. They're giant. They look like King Kong. And this thing ran at me. Okay, it ran at me. It ran about, probably about 50 feet across the jungle, raid at me and about probably a foot from me, okay,

decided to call off the charge. I told you about it back in another podcast. And I'm thinking, you know, what would you do if you're like, you know, this is my last moment of life? Oh, maybe I'll just, you know, maybe I should have just jumped on them. It's like, all right, come at me. Come at me, man. Yeah, Sparta! Yeah!

Who, ho, ho, ha, ha, psch, whew, ha, psh, pah, who, ho, ho! Guerrilla fight in the jungle, man. And then maybe the old lady jumps out of nowhere. The old bag who beats up moose suddenly swings out of the trees on a barn. I'm coming, Harlan. Don't worry. I'll help you. If I can beat the crap out of a full-grown moose, I can surely take down an old gorilla. Oh, God. Rumble in the jungle, yeah.

Wow. So there you go. I don't know if you've ever been attacked by anything or, you know, been charged by anything. But let's all take a lesson from Granny. Stand your ground and fight back. The moose was probably like, no, I can't. I mean, you know, I want to ram rate through her with my giant antlers. I just, I want to stomp the hell out of this person, but, oh, she's just 85.

I mean, you know what? Maybe if I just let her go, she'll leave some muffins or an apple pie on the window ledge for me. I mean, I just, I can't bring myself an old, you know, man is one thing, but a helpless old lady. I mean, good God, what, what am I? what kind of moose am i what am i what am i reducing myself to stomping an 85 year old lady i mean honestly oh oh oh charles nelson riley moose oh oh so there you go watch out for moose watch out for critters and uh if you want to share one of your animal charging stories you know where to reach me Harlem Williams.com or you can phone me and uh let's see what you have to say what oh my god hold on

i got to go something's coming it's a moose it's a moose okay i found it uh-huh i'm a genius i figured it out people i harland williams here on the harland highway have finally figured it out You know what I figured out the illegal immigration problem? That's all. What's up, player? That's all. Yeah. Uh-huh.

You know how they want to build a giant wall now between Mexico and the U.S., right? How much is that going to cost us? Billions of dollars. And people are smart. They'll find a way to dig underneath or climb over top or just melt their way right through the middle of it. But here's what we do need. Here's what'll stop the flow of illegal immigrants over the border,

and it'll be a fraction of the cost. It'll cost almost nothing. And there won't be this ugly cosmetic eyesore there, a big giant 50-foot wall. What are we, Berlin? No, no, no, here's what we do. Between Mexico and the United States, all along the border, we lay down those little rubber, strippy things. You see at the checkout line at the Super Bowl.

market. You know what I'm talking about, that little thing you put on the conveyor belt? You know the little strip there, the little touch my groceries with your groceries and I'll break your darn legs? Huh? If you're Aunt Jemima Frozen French Toast touches my cauliflower, buddy, I'll snap your legs. Don't touch my food with your food. Your food isn't as good as my food, buddy. Lucky for me, there's a little divider here. Nobody crosses that divider, do they? That's sacral. So there's your solution, huh? We put the little checkout stand divider right along the border. No one crosses that.

Oh, I'm just full of answers today. Come back tomorrow and I'll have the meaning of life. It's over there, right there, just down the way from the checkout stand in the Frozer Food section. Yeah, I mean, you know, here's the ironic thing about building a wall. between Mexico and the U.S. of A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, Aya, I don't know what the influx of the Latino population is on the rest of the country, but in Los Angeles, it is prevalent. it's everywhere there's there's latinos mexicans all over the place okay it's just part of the culture you don't even notice it but i'll tell you one thing whenever anybody in los angeles need something done they need their home repaired they need their their garden fixed they need a retaining wall put up

they have a problem with their roof or there's anything on their property when you call a number out of the yellow pages or you get a reference from a friend, guess who shows up? It's a crew of Latino men and women, usually men. And, you know, they are great handy people. They're great at fixing things and building things. And, you know, it's a niche that they've found that they fill.

And it's not to say there's not other ethnicities that do it. but when you're in Los Angeles, ask anyone here, the majority of the time, you've got Latinos. And my point being is it's almost like they can fix anything. They are very resourceful. It's like you could have a fence that's falling down and climbing up the side of a tree and going under your car and ending in your mailbox.

And you're like, how in the hell did this happen? And how do I fix it? And they're like, hey, man, no problem. We got this. No, really. No problem, man. We got it. We got it.

No, seriously, this is it. We got it, man. And, you know, two hours later, there's a brand new fence. Or, you know, they build something. You're like, hey, you know what? I'd love a fire pit in the middle of my pool with a fountain coming out of the fire and a water bed.

floating beside the flames so I don't get cold at night. No problem, man. We got it. No problem. Oh, you shit? We got it. No problem. Relax.

Have a coffee and some marshmallows. And it's great because, you know, that shows a lot of smarts, a lot of brain power to be able to fix things and engineer things and know how to repair things. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order, doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50%

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Don't throw your back out. And so it's funny that they're building something as simple as a wall between Mexico and the United States when, you know, people in Mexico are looking at that and going, oh, man, look at that wall. Is that really a wall? What a joke.

You know what? Let me fix this wall. Let me repair this wall, man. But, you know, Mexicans will find a way through it. They'll find a way over it. They'll find a way under it. I mean, look at the tunnels they find. the elaborate tunnels they find and look at the look at the pictures you see when when mexican people

are climbing up over those walls they look like spider-man and it's not just men it's like kids and women and you know they're going to find a way they're smart the resourceful and uh just a wall is just so primitive and i'm not suggesting we like put a laser gun in and start shooting people but it's just it's like putting up, erecting something against a people that, to them, it's like an easy puzzle to solve, right?

So I don't know. Maybe my idea with the little rubber things at the checkout market, you know, everyone seems to respect that. I mean, even Al-Qaeda. Even Al-Qaeda would walk up to. Oh, my gosh, I, I cannot go into the United States of America.

I cannot cross this boundary. This is sacred, sacred boundary. Nobody dare cross the grocery checkout line rubber strippy thingy. Right? That's just, that's just one thing everybody respects. But enough about me rambling on. Isn't it time that we heard from you? Hey, Arland.

I'm Tim. and I'm from Wisconsin and I was hoping to ask you if you ever have a hard time you know

with like easy sort of everyday things or whatever you know because I sometimes have a hard time

with things you know like things about words and stuff you know and a little bit

of a hard time you know with With speaking, you know, to be honest, I have a bit of a stutter. And I was just hoping to know if you also ever had a hard time, you know, with like easy, everyday sort of thing. You know, because I just think that you are awesome and you're a huge inspiration. and so yeah

And I love the podcast And I might talk to you some time again Soffy little vixen Okay, well first of all I think I have trouble Being called a saucy little vixen By a full-grown man Can we start there?

Wow Sassy little vixen Do I have trouble With everyday little things Wow I'm sure I must. I guess I could tell you that before I got into stand-up comedy, you know, I was extremely scared and nervous to do public speaking

to get up and talk in front of people was intimidating and scary. And that might have been one of the reasons I got into stand-up. I was like, I'm going to overcome this. I'm going to conquer this beast. Well, that, and I thought maybe I was a little bit funny. But, no, I don't know if there's everyday little things that I have trouble with. I'm racking my brain here. And I just don't know if I have.

Maybe I have trouble thinking of things that I'm not good at. Can you hear me floundering and stumbling along here? That's it. I have trouble thinking of things. And if you've listened to all the podcasts, you've just nailed it. I have trouble just thinking, period. I am a doorknob. No, I'm not sure I can think of anything.

So I will search my brain, and if I find something, I will let you know. But let's move on to our next caller. Hey, I'm from Seattle. Well, my son and I really enjoy your book, A kid with too many pets. We noticed on page 8 or 9, it says a whole herd of mountain goat, lived on the stairs, and I don't know, man, may look like big horn sheep, but you're the animal quiz expert. I guess you must know what you're talking about. Love the book, man, and love the podcast, and keep up good work.

Happy Thanksgiving. Wow, okay, I've got a going. my face. Maybe this is something I have a problem with. The gentleman calling in was referring to one of my children's books. I don't know if you people know this or not, but yes, I write and illustrate children's books. If you want to see some, you can go to my web store at Harlow Williams.com and order some, but there's one book in particular called The Kid with Too Many Pets, and it's a brightly illustrated

book about a little boy who loves animals and he collects pets and he fills his house with hundreds and thousands of pets. He's got bears and rhinos and orangutans and drafts and lions and I guess there's a

painting on one of the pages where I've got I guess I have to call it out big horn sheep sliding down the stairs sliding down the banister on the stairs and I did not realize This listener just alerted me.

I said they were mountain goats. And mountain goats are those big white goats with the little black horns and the black eyes. And big horn sheep are, I think they're a form of mountain goat. Well, I guess not. They're a sheep, right? It's a big horn sheep. And they're the ones with those curly horns. They're like the ones you see on the ram trucks.

Dodge ram trucks. And so all these years, I did not realize that I screwed up. So you got me, man. You got me. I have egg on my face. It is big horn sheep sliding down the stairs, not mountain goats. So there you go. Good get.

I'm glad you enjoy the books. I'm glad your son enjoys the books. That's fantastic. And I'm not sure if you have the sequel or not, but there's another book called The Kid with Too Many, nightmares, which is about the same little boy who can't sleep at night because these nightmares keep coming out of his closet and up from under his bed and behind the curtains. And so he decides to stay up late and wait for them.

And he lawsuits them and he pulls them into his world. And the next day they go to the circus and the beach and the fairground and the farm. And it's a lot of fun. So thank you for checking out my kids' books. Like I said, if you want one, I autograph them, and we just lowered the prices on the books. So you can go to Harlow Williams.com and pick one up for yourself and see the mountain slash sheep goats sliding down the stairs. Let's go to one more call. Who do we got here on the Harland Highway Hotline?

Hey, Harlan. Just raking up some leaves here in New Jersey. And I was thinking about you. thinking that you could have Sr. Flentes, break up all your leaves, and then jump in your leaf pile. Jump in your leaf pile over and over again. All right, so feel free to use that. Bye. Yeah, that's not going to happen, unfortunately. Fortunately, so far this year, Senor Fuentes hasn't come in.

I don't want him to come in. He's my gardener. He should be at the house doing his job. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. No, I was just saying... What are you... What are you doing here? I was just saying you're supposed to be at home.

Get a... Oh, come on. What are you doing here? I thought I heard you say my name, Signor. I didn't say your name. This guy called in and he was saying... What, Signor? He was saying your name.

Senor Fuente. Yes. We all know your name. Stop saying it. What? Senor Fuentes. Stop. What are you doing here?

Well, senor, I raped your pile of leaves. I'm sorry? I raped the leaves, signor. Did you just say what I think you said? What? Rape the leaves? Did you said rake the leaves, right? Yes, signor, I raped the leaves.

Okay, you just said raped. the leaves. Yes, senor. I raped the leaves into a huge pile. I raped them and raped them. All the neighbors watched me rape your leaves. It's not rape your leaves. My leaves. Your leaves. Yes, my leaves. Not my leaves. Not my leaves. Sen. That's what I'm saying. Okay, you don't have to yell, senor. My goodness, I just came here to tell you that I raped. Not raped. Raked. Raked the pile of leaves. That's what I'm trying to tell you, senor. It's not, why are you saying raped? I was at the dentist, Signor, I have a frozen lip.

Your lip is frozen. See, senor, I had to get a filling. You got a filling in your mouth, and now your lips are all numb. That's right, senor. That's why I tell you I raped your leaves. Okay, well, let's not talk about that. Why not, signore? There's nothing long with raping leaves.

You don't rape leave. You don't rape anything, okay? Well, it's not like it's illegal or anything, senor. Raping is illegal. I didn't rape, senor, I raped. Okay, you're mixing me up, Fuentes. Well, your neighbors looked mixed up, too. I was jumping up and down, raping the hell out of those leaves.

They just kept falling, and I was raping, and stop saying raping. All right, change the topic. All right? Wow, testy, signor As if you've never raped the leaves I used to rape the leaves when I was younger before I used to rake the leaves before I hired you So you're a rapist

I'm a rakeist It's all the same to me, senor You raped And now I didn't rape Get out of here Well, senor, I needed to tell you something What? There were so many leaves I had to bring my gang in to help rape.

What are you talking about? I gang raped your leaves. Get out of here! Oh, and your date tree, signor? Yes, my date tree. All the leaves fell off your date tree. I had to date rape. Get out of here!

Oh, God. Wow, so there he is. Thank you for bringing up his name, sir. you know everything was going along real nice this year so far I didn't think I'd see my gardener come into the studio just wanders in with his music raping the leaves his lips numb he went to the dentist

unreal just unreal Anyways, let's, a weird way to end the show, but what are we going to do? Thank you for your phone calls. Keep them coming, and we'll keep playing them. We'll keep playing them. We have no choice. We have to. This is your show.

This is your podcast. We can't deny the pavement pounders their voice, or can we? If they keep asking for Senor Fentes, that's Fwente. Get out! All right, let's make some announcements here, shall we, your favorite part of the show? Like I said, check out the store at Harlan Williams.com, and I have three kids' books currently for sale there that I wrote and illustrated. If you have children, they're very colorful and bright and full of animals and monsters and creatures. and people tend to love the book.

So since our listener mentioned them, I don't usually talk about them on the show, but why not? If you have kids, I want them to enjoy the books. And like I said, prices have been slashed. Each book is personally autographed by me, which is something you can't get if you order it on Amazon

or pick it up at a bookstore. So feel free to order. And we'll send those out to you and your youngens. And for the adult folks who are in Las Vegas, February 9th through the 11th, I will be at the Paris Casino. And I believe it's the Empire Comedy Club. It's the brand new comedy club opening in Paris Casino. This is opening weekend.

I am opening the club. We're kicking it off with Harland Williams, yours truly. So please, if you're in Vegas or have friends going to Vegas or you know someone who lives in Vegas, steer them in our direction. It's going to be a great show. And then the following week, February 16th to the 19th, guess who's coming back to Texas? I haven't been there in a long time,

but I'm going to be at Dallas at the Addison, Texas Improv. So get your tickets. that's going to fill up real nice. And if you're in Hollywood, California, and you don't have plans for Valentine's Day yet, I'll be at the improv on Melrose Boulevard doing a special Valentine's show where we're going to do, you know,

we're going to do stand-up and improv, some sketch comedy based on romance and love and all those themes that we all look forward to on VD Day. and there you go. Don't forget, we're back up on Stitcher, and you can pick us up on your cell phone and tell your friends about the Harland Highway podcast,

and thank you so very much for being here. I'm going to be outside raping some leaves, and until next time, everybody, you know the saying chicken, chalming, baby? I'm not your daddy. Thank you.