The Harland Highway - 370 SPECIAL GUEST, JUSTIN IAN DANIELS!

Episode Date: February 9, 2012

My hilarious comedian/actor buddy drops by for a visit and we discuss love, life, death, and smelly rainbows. Also the Harland Highway Animal Quiz! Sweeeeeeeeeeet!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I see a bad moon arising. No, I don't see a bad moon horizon. I see an excellent podcast arising. That's what I see. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Great to have you here. I am your host, Harlan Williams. And today, an incredible show.

The whole show, we have a very special guest, funny guy, hilarious guy. Justin Ian Daniels is here. comedian actor we just have a blast when he comes by so we'll be talking about all kinds of topics from violence to sex to food to beards I mean it's all there and of course

we will be doing at the end of the show the Harland Highway Animal Quiz where I see if I can stump our guest with trying to name animal species so sit back curl your tone know nails, put on your powdery wig, and welcome to the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

Relax. Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate. One cheeseburger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. This is Harland Williams.

I'm a human being. God damn it. Hey, oh, it's Harlan Williams. Oh, you are on the Harland Highway. And he's here again. He's here again. I couldn't be happier. He's our all-time most visiting guest on the Harland Highway. Always incredible reaction.

Funny, Chinese, Korean, Portuguese, Portuguese. geese. I don't know what he is. He's just a great guest. Welcome back to the Harlan Highway, stand-up comedian, actor, creator, writer, son of God, Justin Ian Daniels. It's one o'clock Pacific time, ladies and gentlemen. I'm hammered drunk. Harlan's got some smooth black corduroys on right now trying to slide my hand down into

his netheres. Find something I like. Breath smells a sweet nutmeg. hanging out here in Glendale, California. Sorry I gave way where you live. Oh, you son of a bit. Four Walnut Court. That's where it is. Oh, God. Yeah, look for the, uh, look for the Trans Am covered in primer. Right side window doesn't work. And by the way, they're dark navy blue cords, okay? You need to get a stronger

prescription seal because those are midnight Wayans Brother Black. I don't podcast in Black Corteroy's. I want my audience to know that. That would be completely wrong. But you do podcast in the most patriotic American shoes I've ever seen. Those are as red, white, and blue as Hulk Hogan's ideals in the 80s. Look at those kicks. Hulk Hogan's ideals in the 80s. God, that sounds like it should be a sandwich.

Of the Hulk Hogan ideals, please, with extra onions. What's the macho man of the day? Can I get a side of Jake the snake, hold the dressing. Thank you, Mr. Perfect. Now, we got to talk about, this isn't even on my list. I always create a nice list of questions for you, but your beard. Justin has a beard, and it can only be compared to go to your local grocery store and look for the role of bounty paper towels, and there's a picture of a lumberjack on the bounty towels,

and you have his beard. You have the bounty beard. It's a scruffy bit of business growing off of my jawline. How rugged is that? Don't I look like I know more about cars with this? You look like you could punch the crap out of a mountain lion is what you look like. It's a red, it's kind of a red beard, and it's thick, and it looks like you've been, like, eating porcupine quills. I look like the mayor of a really nice trailer park.

I've got the biggest trailer, and every day they bring me little wicker basket offerings. This is for you, sire. It's our freshest eggs, one of my wife's goldest tooth and my youngest. Thank you, Willie. Sire? Sire? You're a mayor of a... And suddenly you've got a royal...

You're a sire? That's why they live in the park. They don't know how politics and kingdoms work. They're not familiar with kingdoms. Yeah, it's coming in thick. Yeah, it is. I've actually growing this for a real reason. A real reason.

Oh, no. By the time your listeners will have heard this on the Harlan Highway. Yeah. I'm growing this along with five other friends to raise money for Maryland Special Olympics. Is that for real? That's for real. Oh, wow. That's what a good cause.

Yeah, we do this thing called a super plunge where we dive in the water 24 hours once an hour. In the freezing water, right? Freezing ass water. It's the Chesapeake Bay. Oh, Mike. What are you nuts? It's awful. I mean, you dive in, you come up stuck with insulin needles, dead hooker teeth, all right?

Bullets, failure. GEDs as thick as seaweed, sir. GEDs as thick as seaweed. All for a great cause. And I figured this would toast up daddy's skull meat a little bit. Yeah, wow, that'll keep like the urchins and the squid off your face, dude. It feels like a million yellow jackets are having an orgy on my face. I cannot tell you how awful this is. I want this gone. Like, you've got a tender, smooth little velveteen salt and the pepper beard. Yeah, I got like a BG's beard. Yeah, but it's well cropped. It's tiny. It just looks good. This thing is Marty Stalford Wild America. This is back country.

It looks rough, too. Like, it honestly looks like I could grab you by the side of your head and sandpaper down like a canoe paddle with your face. I could tear through three inches of balsa wood with this just by talking closely to it. Just cut through it. It's bad. It's belt sander bad. Could I grate like some framudioid cheese on your face?

Why don't you grab some Monstarian chadarsio? cheese and we'll see if we can get a hold out a soft taco shell right beneath my jaw and we'll just shave off some some smooth white cheddar oh i tell you what nothing but cheddar and face dandruff to oh what a tasty treat tickle the taco all right well you're here we're glad you're here buddy always a treat and let's just get going with your interview i mean that whole first part was just two girls chit-chat at a starbucks just a couple of fillies playing grab ass over a mocha china latte i'm going to get mine vente you like it tall hazelnut french vanilla please oh tender you look great if you lost weight have you lost weight did you vaginally wipe did you recently

place a dryer sheet up your ass so your first smell like springtime well what happened if you put a bounce sheet up your ass i want to do that so badly to take an actual dryer sheet stuff it up the crack of my man crevice just house a can of bushes baked beans maple bacon to be preferred yeah and let one launch and see if you're like, man, that smells like Maine. Wow. That smells like a fresh, a fresh cinnamony rose flower petal garden. In Maine. In Maine.

Why Maine? Why would your Boston baked bean towel fart smell like Maine? Something leads me to believe, though I've never been to the state, that Maine is so fragrant. Tell me that New Hampshire, Connecticut, Maine just aren't the more fragrant states in this great nation. Tennessee smells like hot, wet ass, Kentucky smells like intolerance, Maryland smells like gross beach water, New York smells like

punches, and Maine, I think, smells like petunias. I think you're right. With a hint of blueberry. Okay, good. All right, well, here we go. Justin, what creepy crawlies are you afraid of? Like, you know, everyone's afraid

of like a spider or a snake, or, I mean, do you have one that freaks you out? Does, I'm not sure if this will count, but I have one, one particular insect that freaks me out. What is it? Horseflies. Really? Why? Yeah, of course. A horsefly, there used to be a community pool as a kid we'd go to. Yeah. And for some reason, there was all this, like, fetid water outside of the fence where I guess, like, they'd pump pool water out just into this dirty field outside of it. And all these horseflies would gather. And if your listeners aren't familiar with a horsefly, it's like the size of a big marble.

It's a big, big fly, and it can sting you. Oh, they hurt, man. They bite. And these things were everywhere. And I can hold my breath underwater for seven minutes because as a child, I feared surfacing at the community pool. Because one of these things would just kamikaze on your forehead. Yeah. Kunk lop out a chunk of forehead meat and fly off back to, you know, the horsefly kingdom with its forehead meat trophy.

It's all, I hate them. And they're weird because they're so big, but you can't, that you still can't feel them land. You don't know they're there. No, they're lightly until they bite you. The only way you can kind of get a heads up unless you see this big black dot is they're loud as hell. They're cicada loud. Yeah. Cicadas are also another.

Now, I'm not so much creeped out by cicadas, but Maryland has a ton of them. Yeah. And it's, it's always fascinated me going outside and seeing like a big maple tree or a big birch tree covered in their husks. Yeah. After they molten, you see a thousand of those things grip to the tree. They're creepy, and they have those big buggy eyes. Yeah, and you could take them. You can literally pluck them off the tree, just their discarded husks, and, like, just hook it to someone's shirt.

Oh, it was great. Those things were spooky, but... So here's what I don't get, though, if it's a horse fly, and you're, like, not a... You're not like a monitor or anything, or a minotaur. Like, why would a horse, a fly interested in fresh horse meat, fly onto a puffy, white kid from Maryland. Because as a child

we were we were how do I put this? We were from the wrong side of the tracks. Dad didn't bring in a lot of money I believe my father gross $17 to $18,000 from 1982 to 1997. That's all total.

So soap was hard to come by and I was the stinky kid at the lunch table. My braces smelled like old mayonnaise. My fingers just as brown Denzel's and eyes bloodshot and yellow from the waff of hot body stench and the horsefly would mistake my entire being for a five foot one 97 pound pile of pure white albino dried horse shit wow and it was awful I was known as horseshit as child wow that was your nickname that was

what my father called me after that Jameson's got flowing down his pipe he would say hey horse shit I love your brother more now turn on jeopardy before I punch the cat It wasn't a good upbringing, but I think I'm stronger for it. I have night terrors. I have night terrors. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes.

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psychological issues with you obviously i have a lot of trouble being intimate because of horse flies i just can't so should i call you horse shit or just stick with justin i would go justin horse shitty and daniel horseshit fly call me horse shit i don't know all let me try it once and see if i like it uh so how is your drive over here today horse shit fuck you dad wow okay let's move on to here we go uh if you could drop a bomb on something and completely destroy it what would it be the kardashian family oh good answer 100 percent you didn't even like you didn't even take a beat not a bit i grab a moab from the united states military mother of all bombs that's what the acronym stands for 47000 feet up c 130 i'd go ahead and lay down some groundfire or perimeter

to keep any security from coming in to get them out of there on car Kardashian 1. That's their aircraft, Kardashian 1, and I dropped two or three of those mother effers on there and just smite them, smite them from the face of the earth. What does smite mean? I don't know, but I hear people use it all the time. So you hate them so much, you invented a word to destroy them. To smite them. Never heard the term smite? I think it's one of those words where I think I've heard it, but I'm not entirely sure what it means.

It's always used in like a medieval, in medieval settings. I smite this, sir. They have been smited from the land via a vicious smoteing around the moat. Huh. Yes. So again, you've brought back, first it was my lord in the trailer park, and now you're smiting the Kardashians. There's a real, like, royal theme going on here today.

I have season tickets to the Renaissance Festival. There we go. Yes. There we go. Okay, Lord, fortinoid horse shit. So that was amazing without, I barely got my question finished and you knew what you needed to drop the bomb on. Oh, I know what I hate. I question what I love, but I know what I hate. Wow, good, great answer.

This one might be a little tougher. Okay. Can waffles be used for anything other than eating? Fuck you, Dad. Wow. What does that mean? Sorry, he used to take frozen ego waffles and just discets them at my face while I'm just trying to take a shower. the one shower we got every winter solstice.

That's when we took showers in our house on the winter solstice, all right? Not sure why, but that's when the only time we were allowed to hop in the shower. By shower, I mean sink, and by sink, I mean bucket. We'd be scrubbing our netheres. Dad, to get a frozen waffle and just frisbee the damn thing. Usually get me right in the Adams apple, which is why I talk the way I do. No, they absolutely cannot be. There's no waffles in my house.

Now, wait a minute. I'm saying that's like, again, more childhood torment. And again, I'm sorry I keep touching on topics that are bringing up psychological issues like flies and, you know, morning delights. But is there an applicable way that waffles could be used in the world for anything other than just eating? Could they be used for some other constructive purposes, do you think? In the event that you're not very well read and you're relatively poor, what I would suggest you're doing is grabbing nine to ten boxes of eggs. go waffles. Also, grabbing one of those amateur, learn to paint kits. Get yourself

nine or ten good colors and then grab an IKEA bookshelf. Before you were going to invite friends over to think that you're well read, you take them, paint the sides of the waffles to resemble a book spine and then lay them inside of the freshly built

IKEA, build it yourself, block norphins, and bookcase. They're going to come over. They're going to see this entire shelf filled with tomes of literature and say, good Lord, horseshit. You're so well read. And your books are round.

They're all roundish. I'm thinking of the square waffles. Oh, okay. But you said ego waffles. Are they? No, they make square ones, too. They make toaster square ones. Oh, I thought egos were their trademark thing was that they're the round waffles. Now, if you're thinking of the round one, what you want to do is you want to take one, get it real hot, put it right on a griddle, just one side. We're not going to use this to eat.

Get it real, real hot. As hot as you can get it, then immediately grab a fat chick's ass, pull her yoga pants off, and just stick that sizzling waffle mark disc right to her pockmark butt meat because who doesn't like a good grill mark on a side of ass sirloin? Who's not going to get those pair of triple XL? Lane Bryant's off and be like, look at those grill marks. A grill masters. Are we at Shulas right now?

Are we at a Ruth's Chris? Are we at Cocos? Are we at Cocos, okay? Look at that. Someone grabbed me some A1 in asparagus. I love her that she was wearing yoga pants. She doesn't do yoga, though. Yoga pants are stretched pants.

They're the tidy things to make you think that the fat girl's trying to get her life in order by wearing yoga pants. We're like, oh, good for her. She's huge as hell, but she must be on her way from class. Namaste, Downward Dog. No, she's just huge. She probably just left the subway. All right, got it. So you can deceive your friends into thinking you've got a huge library of books with the square waffles and the round ones you can enhance your fat chick butt meat experience by grilling her ass.

Exactly. Okay, see, outside of the psychological trauma, your father caused you with waffles, I knew there had to be some other applications. And thank you for enlightening us. It's the least I could do. Do you want to be buried or cremated when you pass? And I don't think you're ever going to pass. You're like an immortal to me. I mean, but.

I've lived many lives. Honestly, I don't. I have such a fear of what's going to happen when you die. There was an Outer Limits episode a long, long time ago that dealt with this exact sentence that you asked, where this guy died. And he was a donor. He never wanted to be a donor. His wife made him become an organ donor. Okay.

And then it was a look into the dying mind of a man to where he died, but his mind was alive for another, like, two or three days while they harvested his organs. And he felt the pain, and he could not scream, and it was traumatized. To where, I guess, hopefully science now knows, you know, once your lights have gone out, they've gone out, you don't feel anything. Yeah. But there are so many mysteries within the. the brain we've yet to unlock. What if there is literally one or two molecules in your brain

just a half an atom that keeps you aware that you're like locked in place in a coffin, 10 feet beneath dirt, like, this sucks, this sucks, this sucks. I think I would want to be cremated to prevent that from happening. I mean, I need to be rubbed out. Then I need those ashes to be taken to the closest old country buffet. And I want my ashes just to be sprinkled. to cross the dessert bar because right now a family of four can eat for 2295 at the old country buffet try the soft serve they've got chocolate vanilla and the one handle that dispenses both at one time so you get a nice swirly and toppings for days how nice is that going to be with an extra tablespoon of my essence my goddammed essence on your soft serve and what about you like over a

nice apple crisp oh oh you i mean are you kidding me i i incinerate you what dessert do i sprinkle Harlan Williams on after he's passed. Wow. I would probably go good on a crepe. I think so. A nice, thin, properly prepared French crepe from the hands of a French master.

Oh, just a nice layer, a little crem fresh. Yeah, yeah. A chocolate drizzle. Oh, on I go. A couple of slices bananas. You'd be like, oh, this tastes hilarious. Yeah.

This is wonderful. This is hilarious. This is hilarious. Now, here's the thing, though. It's weird when you think about dying You basically have two options You got I can be buried under the earth And my body can be embalmed and put in a box

So it deteriorates even slower Than if you just laid me on the ground Yeah Or you can take this mass of flesh and bone And everything that I was as a human being And throw me in a furnace akin to what they did to people in the Holocaust It's just such a horrible ending, it seems, and that's it.

I mean, the other options, and here's something I'm thinking about is the syrogenics where they freeze you in liquid nitrogen. Oh, in hopes that you could one day be revived? Right. Or just to have you preserved better than embalming? No, that you could one day be revived. Because think of it, if you get burnt to a crisp or you decay into nothing, there's no coming back from that.

But knowing human ingenuity and that one day, anything is probably possible, you might have a chance, you might, might have a chance to come back if you are frozen. Now, let me ask you this, though, with cryogenically being frozen, okay? Demolition Man style,

coming back to, like Ted Williams, that picture that has head frozen, didn't Walt Disney have it done? That's rumored. I don't know, but Ted Williams is, as far as I know, factual. You get frozen, okay? You are revived,

100 years from now due to medical advances. Yeah, beautiful. The world has changed so drastically. Yeah. Could you mentally psychologically handle it? I mean, take someone from the 1910s and shove them into the day. Their mind might burst at the thought of the interconnected telecommunications web that is the Internet. Oh, you like those moving pictures on the movie screen?

Check out Transformers 3 and you're going to have a stroke. I know, but the difference is people back in the pioneer days could never imagine technology, whereas I've been born into technology, so my mind's in a place where it's like, I totally believe that humans will be moving their particles around and transporter beams and floating and turning invisible. Like, I believe anything can happen. But I bet they thought the same thing around pioneer times, that they were so advanced for their time.

They were like, man, someone back in colonial times. times couldn't have imagined all these advances they would have a stroke right now if they saw this railroad of mine i can only imagine a hundred years from now through advances that were all a sudden were beings of light nick nultes great-great-grandson is the president okay farts and just a little kiss on a cheek from a puppy's considered money mars has been blown in half who was filled with spiders and the laser wars are well underway with the Kardashians who that bomb of mine apparently didn't smite them all out because they're being cloned by the the government in a mountain in Utah.

Yes, I want to see all that stuff. Hell no. Cook me. No, I want to see it. I want to, and if I don't like it, I jump off a cliff. After four hours, I go, what the hell? But I want to see the iPhone 34. I want to be transported to Australia in the flick of a switch. I want, you know what, I'm not sure how I would feel about seeing the progress of Earth,

but if I knew that I could be brought back off world, I have always, always in my time been sad that I don't think I'll ever get to see commercial space exploration. It's just now in its infancy with Virgin. But if you come back and you're frozen, maybe you can. That is a way I would like to. If I could leave the planet, that I would like to see. See, there you go. That I would enjoy.

That or I want to be taxidermed and placed in an alley dressed as a barbarian, just to scare hobos. How great with that. A garbage can lid and a old hockey stick. Hockey stick with nails through it. Face paint with ketchup or K1 masterpiece, barbecue sauce. I've got feet made out of tuna fish tins. Just scary. Plate mail made out of sardine cans.

Don't you have, like, what were you saying once you have this subway wrapper diaper or something? Yeah, you got a quiz nose wrapper as a loincloth, just a couple of speckles, a cool ranch dressing right around your unmentionables. but you're taxidermed, so it would terrify all the vagrants. Nice work. Okay, good answer, man. Good answer. This is a quickie. I always throw you a quickie.

Quick answer. Do rainbow smell? Yes. Like a unicorn's nightmares. Excellent answer. That is actually the correct answer. You always seem to get those ones right. I don't know how.

I watch a lot of wheel of fortune. God, the quickies. I always think I'm going to get you on those, but you nail them. Would you ever use a speed bump in a sexual way? Boy, yeah, the thing is, is I would like to rent like a vehicle, a lot of space. Maybe one of those M-300s, Chrysler, M-300s. Is that a car or a truck? It's a big car.

Big, big, big, big car. You've seen them before. How does this play into sexual speed bump adventures? So as I drive, I take the 19-year-old freshman. off the boat, Korean immigrant slash call girl that I've recently purchased for 37 bot. That's $14 American. And I have her straddle me. Okay. And as she is... As you're driving. As I'm driving. She's very tiny. Easy to see across the shoulders. Okay. Just have her head just nestled in my nape. As I speed along. In the nape of my neck. Okay. Got it. As I speed along, I find a neighborhood with a lot of

speed bumps. And I start slamming over these things in the car and just dunking. Just dunking. Just dunkin the giggle stick deeper into the donut with every slam across one of these good and I'm talking those long big ones I want a hard sharp one where you hit and you're like whoa whoa whoa okay see but what you're

doing there is you're using the speed bump to have sex with a woman what I'm asking you is could you just take a physical speed bump and have an intimate moment with one could you have sexual relations

with a physical speed bump, not a woman, but the actual speed bump. Are you not understanding these very clear questions? What is your beard clogging your ears? The beard is clogging my sense of morals and understanding. Now, could you, let me say it again, could you ever use a speed bump in a sexual way? The actual speed bump is what I'm asking. In the blackest of night, in a low populated neighborhood,

with the proper amount of freshly warmed-up drawn butter, the type you would use to dunk lobster meat into it. If I could butter up that bump real nice, like. And no, no one's going to come skipping the Lou by and the old family station wagon. I could grease that thing up a little bit, get these trousers down around the old ankle tucks, and hop on this thing.

So you could hump a bump? I could hump a bump, okay? Yeah. That should be a new dance, I think. The hump a bump? The hump a bump? One person lies back and completely like planks and acts like the speed bump, and the other person just drapes himself across them.

And then into the time with the music, do the hump a bump. Oh, wow. Take the hump. Dude a bump. Dude a bump. And I need the people to know while he's singing, he's gyrating his pelvis. Yeah, in his direction. Just two dudes hanging out in the house.

One guy's pump in the air. The other dude's got black corduroy. Oh, God. Good answer. See, I'm glad I dug deeper because I think maybe it was either the way I conveyed the question or the way you interpreted it, but I knew there was a real answer there somewhere. Yeah, I thought you wanted to use it to enhance a sexual experience, but do you actually have it be the sexual experience?

Absolutely. Which, by the way, your first answer totally valid and a recipe for pleasure. But your second answer really shines the light on how you could turn a blog, of steaming asphalt into a receptacle for your pleasures. You wouldn't know why I can have sex with a speed bump? Why? You have a permit? You have a permit?

I've done the classes. I've got 14 hours, hands-on training, speed bump banging at Lincoln Technical Institute. What? I majored in small engine repair, minored speed bump impregnating. That's a real thing. Was this online or did you attend the actual facility? Oh, I went to the actual facilities. Who is your professor?

Professor Schoenberger, buddy. This guy's the Alex Trebek. He's great. As a kid, I used to hump a couch cushions on the regular. Oh, on the regular. You little angel. That's why your crotch smells like Fabriz. It does.

It smells like a chaise. What's the worst thing that's ever happened to you with regards to a nail, a fingernail or a toenail? Everybody's got a horrible story where they shredded it or they went, black or they caught it, something under it. What is your story with one of your nails? 1987, Danny Waddell's backyard. That year, I had received a Nintendo Game Boy for Christmas. I wanted that, but I really wanted a pellet gun.

Danny gets a pellet gun. I'd play 10 minutes on my Game Boy, Tetris. I didn't even want that goddamn game. My dad got that for himself. He ended up just adopting the Game Boy. I scurry over to Danny's house. He lives eight houses down. don't have time to wear proper footwear, I slap on some flip-flops.

Oh, I don't like this. But I asked, I have to listen. Keep going. We get it, and it's one of those good ones. It's CO2. It's one of the cartridges. You don't have a pump or anything like that. The thing's got a little CO2 cartridge.

We go out back. I'm watching Danny just one after the other, just plug tin cans against his shed out back. I'm in heaven. I mean, I am Ralphie from a Christmas story. Oh, boy, there it was. My red rider pellet gun. You're going to shoot your eye out, kid. God, so good.

Yeah. So as we're plunking tin cans, he finally gives me around with it. I shoot, I shoot low. The thing pings, ricochets back, wedges underneath of my left big toenail. Get out of here. And I wanted to take that gun, place it in my mouth, and blow the roof of my head off, because it hurt so goddamn badly to have this chunk of metal. No, it was basically from here, you guys can't see that are listening on the Harlan Highway,

basically from here to your closet there. It was like eight, nine feet away. So it was literally just ping-ing, real quick. Like a guy hitting a golf ball against a tree. It bounced back. Immediately. And it went right under your what nail? It my left foot big toenail, which was improperly.

And I mean this thing went for paper. dirt. This thing was trying to hit the core. This was for real. This was for real. Splits the nail. I am, I want to die. The whole, I mean, the pain went straight up my body. Oh, God. I'm hopping around. I felt like a bastard because they took the gun away from Danny. They took his gun away. He got punished. He was fine. This guy was like, God damn Robin Hood with this thing. All right. I mean, he's shooting the E at a Del Monte. All right. Meanwhile, you know, Johnny Thunder Taint here squeezes off one round, goes right underneath of my goddamn Eagle Tallon, cracks it and half. It got infected.

It was nasty because they had like a little bit of oil on them, the pellets, as they made their way down, it's had a little bit of that lubricating oil. So it was lubed and it was lubed, hot, greased up and right into my tender nine-year-old flesh. It's veal. At nine, you're veal. Your whole body's feel. Yeah, you're just, you're like shredded beef. Wow, what a story. You know, I figured everyone has a nail story, so I thought I got to ask, and that's probably one of the best ones I could have dreamed of.

You see, I can't stop moving my left foot. I can feel it. I can feel it having it going through. God. God, it was bad. I got to tell you, though, if I saw that scene in a movie, I would laugh my ass off. Oh, Danny's dad was knee-slapping. He couldn't handle how funny it was.

Danny was upset. His mom was having a connipion. And Danley. You know, the one who's probably, you know, like that with men. You know, he's always staring at photos of moustaches. Yeah, shot his toe off. What a dumbass. I'm going to get back and watch the bears.

What a horse shit. What a piece of horse shit. Awful. Wow. So bad. Incredible insights. And speaking of horses, as you know, it's time, buddy. It's time.

We do this every time when we have guests. Justin is one of our top players on the Harland Highway Animal Quiz. You ready to play? Let's do this. All right, in case you haven't heard, this is a segment we do with all the guests here at the highway. What we do is we give the guest clues, and it is their job to figure out the name of the animal, the species of the animal. And let's play the theme music. Here we go.

It's the Harland Highway Animal Quiz. It's time for The Harland Highway Animal Quiz All right, you ready, buddy? All right, is there any theme to this one Or is just across the board? It's across the board. It's critters.

All right. It's animals. I think today, you know, I don't know. I mean, I come up with these, but I think maybe this might be an easier one this time. I don't know. Because none of them have been terrible. easily. Yeah. I don't know. I might be wrong, but when I was right coming up with them, I'm like,

ah, this might be easy, but let's see. Let's see. You ready for number one? Hit it. Number one. Here we go. The first animal quiz question. I'm a turtle whose mean as hell, and my name lies between your thumb and middle finger. Snapping turtle. Oh, see? Snapping turtle. See? Now quick. Bang. That was that was almost faster than the Kardashian answer. All right. See, somehow I knew that I thought the finger thing could either throw you off or it would be easy. I think when you immediately started off with turtle. I was like, there's so few. Yeah, you're right.

Turtle subdivisions. I should have said like zebra. I'm a zebra that snaps. No. No. All right. Number two, I'm a large carnivore whose name is very close to a famous photography company. Cody Acbear.

Oh, see? The Kodiak, close to Kodak. Kodiak bear, well seen in the north, very vicious creatures. Try and make yourself appear bigger than it. Don't break eye contact, don't run. Well, come at you. I say shoot it under the big toenail. Unless you've got a chain gun and then shoot it under its big toenail, belt fed.

Oh, see, this is the quickest you've ever done. Yeah, I'm banging these things out right now. Okay, let's say that maybe these last two are a little harder. I hope so. question three on the harland highway animal quiz i have a very generic man's name and maybe that's what makes me such a pussy tom cat oh close really damn oh wow you look you got that fast but that's not the actual answer you're all around it huh okay um wow i'm i'm winning i'm i'm not winning but i'm delaying this one just by a little technicality how okay um

Tomcat, Tom, boy, that's Tom's a generic name. Pussy, I think Pussy Cat. Oh, boy. Pussy Cat. Oh, boy, I think Cougars, lions, tigers. I think I'm going to go with, they'll say cat, cat, bobcat, bobcat. Bingo, you got it. Wow, wow, I'm on fire, kid.

Tomcat isn't an actual species. A bobcat? A bobcat is. No, a Tomcat isn't. Tomcat is like. It's like an annotation for being like a straight hat. That's why I couldn't give it to you. I had to get you to get the correct name.

But again, for all intents of purposes, you nailed it. All right, this last one's either going to be easy or hard. I think you're going to nail it. Although I'm ugly as hell, I've sat on some of the most beautiful faces in the world, including Cindy Crawford and Marilyn Monroe. A mole. Ding! Wow, that is a record.

That was great. I ripped through that. You riped through that. This makes up for some of the tougher ones. Yeah, that was, boy, that was the free bread before the meal. You just gave me a couple of cheddar bay biscuits and red lobster. You didn't even think about them. You just nailed them, buddy.

Good job. Good for you. Thanks, man. After all the pain you've been through, as we revealed in this show, the shootings, the bitings, the names, the humpings. I mean, you know, hump a bump. all the pain and suffering and the hump a bump speed bump banging horse shit horse fly waffle book reader what a dumbass you should not allow me in your house no no you're you're our favorite guest are you

kidding me the the the listeners love having you here i love having you here and uh you know your nature buddy you know your animals nature's good music even better one day we got to do a movie one what's that's a good idea remind me next time we'll do a movie one we'll do a movie one next time that's a great idea um now before we go as always uh as i said folks justin is hilarious stand-up comedian actor radio personality he does so much but i'm not going to tell you i'll let him tell you what's coming up for him and where you can get in touch with him where you can track him down etc etc what's going on buddy let him know again find me at funny justin dot com and funny justin is also my twitter handle and this will be perfect because i know the

turnaround on these by the time you get this up on the harland highway for everyone listening february 13th through the 18th on vh1 every night that week at 10 p.m. Eastern 7 pacific they're doing the 100 greatest women in rock and roll and i think i'm going to be prominently featured on there they had myself and four other comics kind of do a big roundtable oh great i was supposed to read and do 30 of them i had to pick 30 out of there and do a bit of a monologue on them but i was i was having them laugh so much like just do all 100 just stick around for two days yeah and do it so by the time that this uh this airs check out v h one you'll see me justinian daniels comedian radio dj and i'll be giving my opinion beautiful 100 greatest

women in rock and roll and i was actually just hired you ever seen that naked juice company the company that makes the green baby shit looking wait before we talk about that just so people know when we see you on VH1, beard or no beard? There's not going to be a beard. There'll be a double chin, massive unibrow, left eye, huge booger. Okay, and probably a speed bump stain on your crotch. I'll be the guy with little speed bump babies, and I'm not sure how I'm going to feed them

and get them to their speed bump podiatrist. Just stuff the milk through a traffic cone, buddy. That makes a lot of sense. It'll make them comfortable. Drink from the teat of the cone. Now, tell us about your pea-colored, whatever you were just about to say. You know, I've heard of that. Yeah, they're doing a whole online campaign for it,

and I'm going to be the guy in it getting people to try naked juice. That's beautiful. That's a huge endorsement. I didn't know about this. Yeah, I literally on the way over here, I just faxed them back the contract, which pays shockingly little. But who cares when you, you know, if it takes off and you're the spokesperson, that could lead to, you know, good things.

I could lead to the next season of In Living Color. Well, I'll be playing a way-ins. I can't wait, Justin Ian Wayans. Love it, love it. Now, I want to tell you something, bud. This is the first time we've hung out since the holidays have passed. Yeah. And I feel a little bad because I made you something for Christmas.

Oh, yeah. That, well, you're probably never going to get. Oh, did you eat it? You could have had I gotten a tea in time. One night, I get into the makers a little hard. I'm like, I've got a great idea. I'm going to make you a sculpture. that you can literally own for 24 hours before you have to have to eat it or chuck it.

I made you an Abraham Lincoln out of ham. And it was Abraham Lincoln. Oh, that's awesome. And I took this, they had this big ham on sale at the store. It was like this. That's hilarious. 11-pound ham from like seven bucks. And I carved it up.

And it looked beautiful. Did you take a picture? I have a picture at home. I'll send it to you. Oh, I got to see the picture of Abraham Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln. Problem is, I made it like two and a half weeks ago. And it sat in my fridge. And it's moldy. And it started to turn. It started to get the, it started to get the rainbow color on the ham. You're like, the ham's got to go. Throw that president out.

That's why I sent him a text. I sent Harlan a text saying you're either going to throw this at me or throw it away. And I threw it away before I can get it to you because I hope you, I hope to get that picture. That's hilarious. It was great. I wanted to make you an Abraham Lincoln to at least have a center. piece on your dining room table for 24 hours. Oh, that's hilarious. With a pineapple ring on top of his stovepipe hat. That is I shit you not.

I had a tube of pineapple that I placed on top of his head with a slightly bigger ring to make the top hat. Are you serious? I kid you not. Wow. See, we are in sync, dude. It was great. We should go and get in a sink and have a sponge bath. Hop in, we

should hang out with in sync, in a sink, and have a sponge bath. making ham lincolns and we won't leave a ring around the tub we'll leave a pineapple ring around the top that smells like horse shit and waffles and we got to close it on that because the symmetry can't get any better and i hear a bomb heading for the roof of the studio right now justity and daniels thanks for coming on the podcast buddy fuck you dad and we'll see you next time no horse shit until next time though So remember everybody, chicken chalemaine, baby. Can I touch your beer? I was hoping you'd ask. Let's go out in the shed. Let's go in the sink.

Let's go hump a bump. Drink the milk from the cone. And don't forget, y'all, I will be live in Las Vegas tonight, the Paris Casino, brand new comedy club, the Empire Comedy Lounge. uh please come on by and check it out i'll be there thursday night friday night and saturday night and then uh next week february 16th through the 19th addison texas the dallas improv and uh february 14th valentines day yours truly will be doing a valentine show one night only at the hollywood improv in uh hollywood cal e 4 an ia so there you go thanks for tuning in thanks to justin and another double chicken

chow me baby