The Harland Highway - 371 OOMPA LOOMPA'S, SNAKES, EVIL HOCKEY.

Episode Date: February 13, 2012

Your digital photo's, Oompa Loompa's, evil hockey players, snakes, and a visit from George Michael from WHAM. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

My, my, my, what a beautiful day. Okay, yes, it is a beautiful day, unless you're listening to this at night, and then that has no meaning. Welcome to the Harland Highway, one and all, and all in one. What a show we have. I'm Harland Williams, your host with the most, and I'm eating French toast. Evil hockey. We're going to talk about evil hockey today.

Real evil hockey and other things that are evil, like snakes. There is an epidemic of snakes that are taking over a certain part of the world, and we're going to discuss that. How about Charlie in the Chocolate Factory? Anybody know what a friggin' upalupa is? I've got questions. That's serious questions about the umpalumpa. And we're going to get into that.

We're also going to be talking about digital photographs. Digital photographs versus hard copy photographs. Kind of a sad, introspective series of thoughts I had about that. And lastly, someone's calling a day. I won't tell you who it is. Let's just say he was in a band that rhymes with quang. Okay, it's here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

Relax. Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate. One Keith Burger was everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. This is Harland Williams. I'm a human bee. God damn it.

I've got a perfect puzzle for you. Boop doopo doopo-dip-di-dee. If you are wise, you'll listen to me. What do you get when you guzzle down sweets? Eating as much as an elephant eats. What are you at getting terribly fat? What do you think will come of that? I don't like to look of that.

I don't like the look of it. I don't like the look of it. Have you watched Charlie in the Chocolate Factory, Willie Wonka in the Chocolate Factory, whatever it's called? And I'm talking about the old one, you know, the classic one. I'm not talking about that new Tim Burton one with Johnny Dap.

I'm sorry, that one did not cut it. But in the original, you've got these bizarre umpalumpas. And they are just, I guess what I need to know is what friggin' color are they? I mean, are they chocolate? Are they burnt orange? Are they sienna?

Are they cocoa bean? Are they, what the hell? They've got green hair. And they've got the worst, it looks like a tanning salon accident. happened on them and they got little curly shoes with pom-poms on their feet and green hair and big white eyebrows and little overalls and what the hell are umpa lumpas i don't mean to sound like i'm wigging out here but i'm wigging out what the hell are those creepy little guys

um if you haven't seen the movie for a long time and uh you know you probably should It's a great movie. It's kind of weird and bizarre. Gene Wilder's the lead. But I just, I just, I watched it again, and I was just confused and baffled and flummoxed. And not just the physical appearance of those freaks, but I just can't figure out what color they are.

Maybe I need a new flat screen TV. Maybe I need more megapixels. Maybe I need an artist to come to the house and, you know, lay out some paint so I can, I don't, maybe I need one of those swash cards from the Home Depot where you get the free samples of paint. Maybe I need Martha Stewart to come over. What the hell, collar is an opalupa?

Do they have some kind of sickness? Are they going through chemo? Do they have leukemia? Do they have jaundas? Do they have scurvy? Hey, umpah, can I get you a glass of orange juice, buddy? Can I get you some vitamin C? Can I put you in a wheelbarrel and wheel you out into the sun for half an hour?

Good Lord, Agent Orange. Get some greens in your diet, Lumpa, or umpa, or whatever you're called. So I don't know. If anyone knows what color these guys are, let me know, because I am clued out. And now I'm going to go eat my wallpaper. I could use a good snobsberry. Lickable wallpaper for nursery walls. Lick an orange.

It tastes like an orange. Lick a pineapple. It tastes like a pineapple. Go ahead. Try it. The strawberries taste like strawberries. The snobsberries taste like snobsberries. Snowsberries.

Who have heard of a snowsberry? Use the boss, Luke. Oh, man. We caught Star Wars on satellite. Talk about a deviated septum. I think I figured it out, man. Darth Vader isn't evil. I think he's just got allergies.

Get that guy an inhaler and some nasal spray, and he's probably a pretty good guy. I mean, there's other things he should probably be doing instead of running around blowing up planets. I mean, he'd be a great hockey player. I mean, he's already in the equipment, right? He's got that great helmet and full facial protection. He's got the hockey gloves on and the leather outfit.

Are you kidding me? Can you picture that guy going down the ice? Here he got him down the ice. It's Gretzky. Gretzky over to Darfur. Darfur over to Yager. Yager back. to Gretzky, over to Vader, Vader back to Lemieux, Lemieux, back to

Vader, picks the top pocket, he scores. Darth Vader with a hat trick. And nobody claps? Nobody claps for his hat trick so he turns on them. Lifts them all up

into the air with his Jedi mind tricks, and then they start clapping. Oh yeah, way to go, Darth. The hat trick. Way to go. You're the best. I guess that's the upside of being pure evil, huh?

Oh, Darth. Hey, fever season's coming, buddy. Get some Dristan. And you people use the force for good. Here on the Harlan Highway. Speaking of evil, do you like Snake? Or do you hate snakes? There's a thing going on in Florida now

where giant pythons are taking over the Florida Everglades. Yes, it's become this huge problem where I guess, you know, some people, some kids, some pet collectors, some reptile guys, you know, somehow released a number of exotic snakes from other parts of the world into the ecosystem down on the Florida Everglades and these things are breeding like rabbits

and snakes are growing like 12, 15, 16 feet long, giant constrictors, pythons, and they're starting to decimate the wildlife population. I mean, we're talking about snakes that have the ability, the tenacity, the disposition to attack an alligator. Okay, alligators were the top of that food chain And now these giant snakes are sneaking up on the alligators

Like strangling the life out of them and swallowing alligators Now you know, ladies and gentlemen, that you are a badass When you can eat a full alligator without even skinning it Hey man, what are you having for lunch today? I don't know, an egg salad sandwich or something. something what are you having i don't know i thought it downed me an alligator what the hell yeah that's right got about a five-footer down here on the bay i'm just gonna swallow it in one uh gulp holy crap you're wicked dude thanks man oh come here i'm gonna eat you what i mean it's crazy man i actually love snakes i'm one of

these guys that loves snakes when i was a little kid i used to go catch snakes and I'd let them crawl all over me when I was watching TV. When I was a little kid, I'd be sitting there watching the Incredible Hulk, and snakes were like crawling around through my pajamas, and I would hold them in my hands, and I just like the texture of their skin, that smooth skin, and I don't know, they're shiny, and they're... I always dug snakes, but a lot of people are creeped out by snakes.

But in that wild that these giant constructions, Rictors are taking over in Florida. And you got to remember, Florida is just full of critters. I mean, Florida's kind of like Africa. When you get out into the wilds of Florida, where there isn't like a wild hotel or a wild condo standing there, you get out into the nature part of Florida, especially around the waterways,

oh, it's just like everywhere you look. There's a lizard, there's a snake, there's a turtle, there's an alligator. There's a bird, there's a heron, there's a crane, there's a vulture, there's an eagle, there's a spider, there's a scorpion. I mean, there's a fish, there's a shark, there's a stingray. I mean, it's a glorious, glorious ecosystem with a lot of moving parts and incredible diversity in the flora and the fauna. And then along comes the python, man, right out of the Garden of Eden. And he going to eat everything up, man.

He got, he got appetite. He going to get his eat on. He going to get his drink on. And it's sad because that could just decimate that whole system. And how do you stop snakes from breeding, man? They're elusive. They're sneaky. They hide under things.

And snakes that just don't have one little baby. They pop up a whole bunch at a time, man. they pop out a whole bunch of the time and there's so many places for the little ones to hide it's you know some of them will get eaten but the rest are just going to grow and grow and grow and I don't know they got a real problem down there

so we'll keep an eye on that and I don't know that you know why I'm even telling you it's not like everyone's sitting there listening to the podcast going Harland um excuse me Harlan Do you have any snake updates, please? You know, I'm going around my busy life. There's an election in the air. The economy's tanking.

The Kardashians are doing stuff. But what I really need to know, Harlan, is a snake update. Any word on pythons or constrictors that you could fill us in on? Why am I heckling myself? Screw it. I report on all topics. and you need to know that snakes are eating Florida. So the next time you go down for March break,

or you go down for bingo, or you go down for trailer parking, don't blame me if you get swallowed by a giant anaconda. Yeah, I warned you about snakes. So let's move on and watch your back. Welcome to. The government doesn't want you to know. The government doesn't want you to know that elbow meat.

Yes, I'm talking about the elbow meat on your elbow. Give it a little twist right now, a little pull. The government doesn't want you to know that elbow meat is the exact same texture as an 86-year-old woman's nipple. the government doesn't want you to know. I mean, come on, come on, come on, hey, come on now. Won't you hey, hey? Harlan Williams. Ah, I guess that's the beauty of life.

You know, snakes, elbow meat. Oh, you never know what's coming around the corner. Excuse me, Harlan. Huh? It's Roger. What's that, Roger? You've got a phone call on line 8. We have someone calling in.

No, we don't have anything on the books. I'm looking through my schedule here. No, there's no one scheduled to be here. Yeah, there's someone on the hotline. No, I don't want to take any calls. Oh, Arlen. No, I'm not going to take any calls. Hello, Arlen.

Oh, God. Not, not, no. Not George Michael. Hello, Alan. How are you today, Holland? I'm doing good. Why are you calling me? Well, as you know, Holland, I was in the hospital.

Yeah, I know you were in the hospital. We all read about it. Why are you calling here? Well, you don't have to get Tessy with me. I just want to say hello and thank you to all my fans when I was in the hospital, Arland. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No?

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Don't throw your back out. Well, okay, George. It's not George. It's George Michael. It's two fighting words together. George Michael. All right, relax. George Michael, you sound like you're cranked up on pills.

I'm on some painkillers all. I was in the hospital. And as you know, I had terrible throat infection. in my throat. Well, I figure if it's a throat infection, it's going to be in your throat. Are you being like a smart ass? No, I'm not being a smart ass. I said throat infection in me throat, and then you had to point it out that I had a throat

infection in me throat. Well, it's redundant. You don't have to say I had a throat infection in my throat when you already said it. You said throat. Oh, well, you go sit on a bag of pumpkin seeds and blast a Chinese. croquet fart. What does that even mean, Michael? It's George Michael,

Fally Willie. Fally Willie, huh? That's right. You heard me. I've got a sore throat, and now you get me all upset, Arland. Look, I didn't ask you to phone here, George. It's George, Michael, you crumpet fuck.

Stop swearing on the podcast. Well, get my name right, you dill weed. Look, why do we need to know? how you're doing. Because I've got millions of fans all over the world, a lot of the United States of America. What? I got a lot of fans all over the world,

a lot of them are in the United Eighth of America. What are you saying? The United States of America, all that. What? What? In the United States of America, can you not fucking hear me? Have you got like a bag of Pringles

in your fucking ear? Stop swearing and it's not a bag of Pringles, it's a can of Pringles. In your case, there's a big bag of Pringles, bongo Billy. Okay, you know what, I'm about to hang up. Not until I say that, you know, all my fans in the United States of America. That's right, you finally got it through your big pumpkin out, hey, all right? Watch it. Watch this.

What the hell is that? It's my goggling exercise, Arlowe. After they eat my throat surgery, I have to gorgle every few minutes to clear the mucus and the pass and the wax and all the mungo out of my floating throaty-wote. The mungo? That's right, Arlid, listen. Knock it out. cut it out would you stop it stop it god hang up on him roger don't hang up on me all and i'll be really upset i haven't said

thank you to all my fans have sent me all kinds of letters and greating cards from the Oh, God. Roger. Say it. Say thank you to all your fans and the Lila Blades of Blabera or whatever you say. It's the Roger O'Roura, all, then. Just say thank you and get the hell off my podcast, Michael. It's George Michael, you fucked up, sweet and sour, spare rib, koala sucking, Bill Nacky.

Wow. Unbelievable. Let me say that you do my fans, Arlenz. Put it out! It's my throat, Arlen. I have to clear the mucus out every few minutes. Just say thank you and get the hell off my podcast. You're making me sick. Oh, relax, you little wit. You've never been in the hospital and been sick, eh, Arland?

Well, we've all been in the hospital. hospital, okay? Yeah, I can't really imagine what you were in there for. What's that mean, Michael? It's George Michael. Yeah, right. Cut it out. Let me say that, you all, then.

Say it, and get off, Roger. You're going to get it. Oh, this is George Michael from, I used to be in a van, but then I'm a solo for a while, and now I'm solo again. And I want to say, all my fans have sent me all the best wishes when I were in the hospital. In the hospital with my throat all messed up. And I couldn't sing, and I couldn't barely talk. But what I'd say, thank you.

Thank you each and every one of my fans in the United States out of a matter of a app. But I think I got in the hospital. I had a thought that it's a hot in the United States. Oh, brother. What are you a pygmy? Up yours, all. Holland.

Hang up on him, Roger. I'm not finished yet, Holland. You're finished. Goodbye. Get him off. Get him off. Wow. Roger, I'm telling you, man, you are...

You're skating on thin ice. That was disgusting and vile. I know the guy was sick. He was in the hospital. but I don't want George Michael from Wham phoning here anymore. Please. I'm sorry, Harland. God, I feel queasy.

Get him off! What in the holy hell is wrong with that guy? Wow. I just wish I could erase that guy from existence. Well, no, I shouldn't say that. That's mean. But what a pest. Why does he phone me?

And speaking, how about this being erased from existence? Does this bother anyone? Think about this, okay? And this goes down to modern technology and memories and cameras. Okay, when I was growing up, and even up until, you know, not too long ago, people had cameras and they loaded them up with film and they'd take pictures and they'd go get the pictures developed and they would have hard copies of moments of their life in their hands and most people that are probably, you know, 40 and older or 30 and older have a box

somewhere full of memories, full of pictures and family moments and dogs and traveling and graduations and girlfriends and boyfriends and babies and and just artistic little pieces and magical moments and the big fish you caught and the picnic and the first kiss and you know all that magical stuff your first car you know you've probably got a whole box of that stuff and what scares me now is everything's digital, okay? Everything's on your phone, everything's in your computer, everything's in a file in your computer, and you could have 10,000 pictures.

You probably have more pictures digitally than people have in their little box of memories. Because people, you know, back then were more selective with their picture taking. You know, it's not like today, digitally you can take three million pictures and delete, you know, all of them in Cep three, which is nice, but back in the day, you're like, oh, no, I'm not taking a picture of that.

I don't want to use up, you know, I don't want to use up a picture. I've only got 12 left on the whole roll. You know, I got to save it until I see a UFO or something crazy happens. So people took a lot less pictures, but the upside is that, you know, they had something tangible, something in their hands, something that will fade and get old and be passed along to the next generation. You know, our children will inherit the photos and maybe they'll be passed on to someone else in the family,

and maybe they'll find a perpetual home within the family. Or maybe they'll end up in a bin at an antique store. Or maybe they'll be thrown in the garbage, maybe. But here's what freaks me out about the digital age. When we die, when I die, when you die, do you think that somebody's going to, like, sift through your laptop or your cell phone and go, oh, my God, we've got to save all these pictures. We've got to download these pictures.

We've got to print them up. Oh, look at all these pictures. Look at there he is standing by the waterfall. There she is riding a horse. There she is smoking a cigarette. There she is twirling in a field with flowers. And the problem with the digital stuff is, you know, I don't know that if someone in my family dies,

I want to start sifting through their computer. You know, maybe they've got their pictures are hidden, or maybe they're in a file, or, you know, people that get millions of files and things on their computer. We have stuff on our computer. We don't even know is there. You could be searching through one day and go, what the hell is this?

And you open it and there's like, oh, okay, there's my canoe trip from seven years ago. I didn't even realize I have these pictures. So what I'm saying is we're in danger in the digital age of deleting people we knew and people we loved and people we cared about. We're in danger of passing by all their memories. And when you get rid of their computer, when you get rid of their cell phone, all those memories are gone. Because I don't know that anyone's going to take the time to store them and bundle them and print them up and pass them around.

And, you know, who has time for that? And who really wants to do it? Maybe you're not that interest. It's like, you know, oh, they're dead. Okay, well, there's a shot of them standing by their coffee. and there's a shot of them by the water fountain and there's a shot of them licking an ice cream cone and what am I supposed to do about it?

Right? So it's easy to just kind of wash it away or worse yet, maybe no one even bothers, maybe no one even thinks about it. It is like, oh, Sally's dead, oh, too bad. I guess we better just, you know, sell her stuff, sell her old computer, and, you know, I guess we can deactivate her cell phone

and throw that away and all that stuff goes with it because we didn't know where to find it. We didn't know how to find it. We didn't want to find it. But with hard copies, with photographs, you're forced to kind of hold them and go, geez, look at this box full of stuff. And you start going through it and you start touching it

and you start feeling it. Maybe you put your fingers on the picture and rub your finger across the face of your disson. East loved one and you connect with it and you have some emotion with that physical piece of photography paper in your hand. Maybe you even hold it against your chest or press it on your cheek. Maybe you kiss it. Maybe you sniff it.

I don't know, but there's something there. There's something there. There's that memory. Hold it in your hands. And I'm worried that, you know, people just. don't have the time or the focus to really catalog a bunch of digital pictures. And I'm afraid that digital pictures don't have the meaning of a true photograph because we all know how flippant we are.

It's like, oh, picture, picture, picture. Oh, there's Kim at the bar. There's Kim taking a drink. You know. And we know that it's so easy and random to take pictures now that they don't have that specialness that maybe they used to have. Just go on anyone's Facebook page and, you know, there's 150 pictures of kind of whatever, you know.

And it's a little sad. I'm wondering. I'm wondering what happens to the memories of all of us. Interesting stuff, man. Interesting stuff. So, you know, maybe, maybe just maybe you should take some of us. you should take some of your very favorite pictures and download them and actually get them printed.

Go to some kind of camera shop and maybe do that every year ago. You know what? At the end of every year, I'm going to take 20 pictures, and even though it's going to cost me a few bucks, I'm going to print up my favorites. So that they're there, they're in the box. When I pass away, my kids can know my favorite moments. can hold them they can touch them you know and maybe that doesn't mean anything to anybody but uh

it's just a thought man it's just a thought because uh we all have relevance we all have importance we all have connectivity to other people and to each other and uh hopefully that just doesn't go away in a wisp of smoke or in the uh the simple action of a power off a computer for the last time or discharge a phone for the last time. Something to think about at the end of the podcast here. A little deep thought here for you. A little reflective thinking here. But hopefully you don't have a visual picture of George Michael hacking up flam all over this podcast.

Get out! God. Well, thank you for suffering through that. I'm so, Roger, I'm trying to get it so that guy, we've got to get our number changed or something. Um, but hey, speaking of the end, speaking of things drifting away, it looks like we're at the end of the podcast of the Harland Highway for yet another juicy episode. It goes so fast, doesn't it? Um, So let me tell you this. Let me tell you this. Don't forget, you can now get the Harland Highway back up on Stitcher again.

That is available for you. And if you want to see me live, I will be in Dallas at the improv this coming weekend, February 16th through the 19th. And then if you're in Hollywood, Los Angeles, you can catch me on Valentine's Eve. at the improv February 14th on Melrose Boulevard here in Hollywood where I will be doing a show. And then February 21st in Burbank, California, me and my buddy Sean Tweedley will be doing an all-sketch improv show. The Appletree Boys will be appearing at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank. And that will be February 21st, a Tuesday night, which is normally a boring night. come on out and that's all i got man don't forget the harland highway uh um store you can go

to harlorn williams dot com and go into the store and purchase merch you can leave me a message there at harlan williams dot com if you want to write me an email and uh that's it man i'm going to go take some pictures and uh and until next time umpah lumpa dompa do Chicken. Chalmain, baby. Um-pah, um-pah, dopah-de-da. If you're not spoiled, then you will go far.

You will live in happiness, too. Like me, um-pah, loompa, loompa, doo.