The Harland Highway - 373: CHARLIE LEE, DOO WOP MUSIC, PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY

Episode Date: February 20, 2012

Air shows, water fill up, a visit to Charlie Lee's Moonglow Tavern, the Pillsbury Dough Boy, the magic of doo wop music, and a cruel trick for you to play. Lemon my lime!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, hello there, darlings. How are you? Welcome to the Harland Highway, darlings. Hey, it's me. I don't know who that was. Well, it was me doing a stupid voice. Welcome, everybody. It is I, Harland Williams.

Welcome to the Harland Highway. And what a show, man. Do you listen to doo-wop music? It is a special form of music, special style of music. and we're going to talk about the magic of doo-wop today. The Pillsbury dough boy, do you like that guy or hate that guy? We're going to dissect that little yeasty bastard today. We're going to visit Charlie Lee.

We haven't been to Charlie Lee's Munglo Restaurant for a long time, so we're going to stop by and get some delicious Chinese cuisine. In air shows. You ever been to an air show where the planes are? fly all around and the jets and the noises and the thingies and the put-put zingy-zangies well we're going to talk about that

and then people that annoy you people that do things that annoy you there's someone at my gym that annoys me and I'm going to talk about that person and also a cruel trick you can play on your friends and lovers all right here on the heart Harland Highway.

Welcome to the Harland Highway. Relax. Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate. One cheeseburger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. This is Harland Williams.

I'm a human being. God damn it. Hey, hey, hey, it's Harlan Williams rolling down the Harlan Highway. And if you're not driving home, maybe you're flying home. Flying, man. What a treat that is. Can you believe we fly up over the earth? How's it an air show in the summer? Pretty good for the countries that have some cash, huh?

The Americans whipping by and the F-16s and the stealth bombers. British jets going by, the British Harrier Everyone's got them The Germans, the Japanese And then it comes to the part of the air show Where the countries that are a little underfunded Yet their craft up there Oh, there goes the Jamaican

Gee, what is that A hang glider There goes a Jamaican dude on a hang glider Y'all, man, what's happening, man? How you doing down there? Yeah, man, ira. Even Canada, that military's a little bit. He, eh, huh?

Hot air balloon. Puffs past. With a big beer logo on it. They're dropping kegs on people to fight their wars. It's got to be rough. You don't got the money for the good old air show. Keep the pedal to the metal. Keep your craft in the sky here on the Harlan Highway

Coming to you at Mac Fives Oh yeah I love the I use I love the jets though man I gotta say those those jets when they whip by And they kick in the afterburners And the speed and the energy I always thought if I was a superhero That's what I want to be I wanted to be

jet hands and when I say jet hands I mean like I'm just a normal guy right and then all of a sudden I can like just grab someone and harness the energy and the power of those jet engines

and just be you have sinned my friend like all that power coming through my hands and just like vibrate someone to death well not to death I don't want to. Am I superhero? Should I be killing people? Well, yes. Yes, I should. How'd your husband die? Oh, you know, jet hands.

So that's my superpower, jet hands. And with every person I shook to death, I got air miles. So it's really, you know, it's in my best interest to be a superhero and jet hand people to death because then I can maybe get a free flight to Hawaii or something. Yeah, man. What about Jamaica, man? How do I stop this thing, man? Hey, where am I going, man?

Well, there goes the Jamaican Air Force. And speaking of cultures, it's been a while since we've been over to Charlie Lee's Munglo Tavern and Restaurant. As you know, Charlie's a friend of the podcast, and he owns this wonderful restaurant called the Moonglough. And he's always got innovative Asian cuisine, wonderful dishes, and I love to go over there on my lunch break and just dig in. I mean, this guy's always coming up with a good new exotic fair.

And let's go in and have a little sit down and have some lunch with Charlie Lee at the Moonglow. Hey Charlie, how you doing, buddy? Oh, how you do, funny guy? Pretty good. I thought I'd, you know, drop in for some delicious lunch. Oh, you come at the right time, at the right place, funny guy. Well, what's that mean? I'm guessing it means you've got something new and creative on the menu.

Oh, you want to guess? You go outside and guess. Charlie Lee got everything you need right here on a moonglow menu. Oh, terriaki. All right, well, surprise me. What do you got? Okay, how about this? I put it down right here in front of you.

You're going to like it. You're going to eat it with your teeth and your lips and your mouth. Well, yes, I will use my teeth and my lips and my mouth. That's what I just said. What are you? Echo Chamber? All right, well, what is it? You pick it up and eat it.

Take a look. Well, it looks like something in a bun here. Yeah, that's right. It's a bun. And it looks like there's a slice of cheese sticking out here. That's kind of unique. Yeah, Charlie used a slice of cheese, and he put it in a bun. He created his own new Chinese recipe.

All right, and then... Wait a minute. What's this brown thing? Oh, Charlie Lee got a secret Chinese recipe. Stop saying it so long. Don't tell Charlie Lee what to do in his own wrestle raw, funny guy. This looks like a meat patty. Oh, so now you're an executive chef all of a sudden?

Maybe you'll go back in kitchen and whip Charlie Lee up some yum yum. Well, I'm just saying this looks exactly like... Wait a minute. There's a piece of cheese on a hamburger bun. And this is a meat pat. This is a cheeseburger. Oh, no, it's not. It's a Chinese round sweet and sour fish chunk.

A sweet and sour round, what, fish chunk? Oh, come on, Lee, are you kidding me? Charlie, not comedian, Charlie don't kid around, especially when it comes to excellent Chinese cuisine on menu. Listen, this is clearly a frozen cheese, burger patty thrown on a bun there's even an onion and a pickle and a mushroom and some ketchup and mustard oh charlie lipo all those items together make a dynamite kaboon sensation in your mouth funny guy no no you didn't come up with this this was

introduced to the united states of america like 80 years ago it's the traditional american cheeseburger what the hell kind of con job is this oh Kanya, suddenly, you with the FBI, funny guy? You afraid to tie Charlie Lee, exotic Chinese, round fish crust? What, Fit? Now you're changing the name. Just eat your damn Chinese food, Terriaki. No.

If I want a cheeseburger, Lee, I'll go down to McDonald's or Burger King. I come into the moon glow, I expect some exotic, oriental dish. Oh, so now you're going to tell Charlie Lee how. to make his food, how funny guy? Why don't you try this dish right here? Wonderful dish Charlie Lee, spend weeks and years creating. All right, good. Give me something real, huh, Lee?

All right, take it easy. Try this. What are these? Those are Chinese spring pea, cocoa, coconut, string, duck, Chinese roast. duck string. What that? These are French fries, Lee.

No, those are Charlie Lee chop up a duck and boil it. These are French fries. What, they got ridges on them. They're like rippled French fries and a cheeseburger. Gee, why don't you just give me a

root beer while you're at it? All coming right up. Glad you asked for that. That'll be $1799. Wait a minute. You're going to charge me almost 20 bucks for a lousy frozen cheese burger, some crappy, soggy fries, and a root beer?

Oh, now that's not what they're called. That's called a dinner number three, frozen oriental fish crust and sweet and sour chopped duck and ginger root beer. All right, I'm out of here, Lee. Now before you pay for your Chinese meal, if this was a Chinese meal, I'm a little Dutch boy. Oh, Charlie Lee always thought you were funny in there. I don't mean I'm really a get out of Charlie Lee's restaurant you leave $20 freak I'm the freak you're the one that made it get out of Charlie Lee restaurant good I'm going and you know where I'm going I'm going down to Burger King to get a cheeseburger fries and a root beer up yours funny guy you never come in munglow again you not appreciate Charlie Lee cuisine oriental Chinese goodbye Lee Up yours, Terriaki!

Up yours! Would you like fries with that? Doom up, do you up, yes, doof, yes, yes, yes, doo-wop. Do you remember the old doo-op? Have you young folks, even you old folks, have you heard the doo-op music from yesteryear, from the 40s and the 50s? I mean, this stuff was kind of magical.

This stuff had its own sound. This stuff was beautiful. But one thing that stands out in the doo-op songs to me is in the middle of the do-up songs, there was always a guy with a deep voice coming in and kind of, you know, soothing everything over, paving over the rough spots, you know? It's like, you know, the guy would be singing a love song,

a beautiful love song, and all of a sudden the guy with the deep, deep voice would come in and kind of explain where his emotions were at and how everything was and how he was fixing everything. Have a listen. Here's one of the deep-throated doo-up guys kind of making everything all better again. If I didn't care, honey child, more than words can say.

If I didn't care, darling, but I feel this way, baby. If this is love, I mean the real thing. Then, why do I thrill so do dog-gone much? And what does that make my head go round and round? While my heart just stands still so much. Oh, I mean, wouldn't it be great? Wouldn't it be unbelievable to have that guy in your back pocket? just any time there was a fight

or any time you had to BS your girlfriend or your wife just old velvet throat jumps out and smooths everything over you get home at two in the morning you're drunk you've got a pair of hooters shorts around your neck orange hooter shorts you got three or four pairs of them around your neck

You got lipstick on your face. Your collars all twist around. Your hair's got that. I just had sex look. You smell like a motel six. And she's standing there waiting with a baseball bat. And the green mud on her face, the sleeping putty. Where the hell were you?

Hey, baby, look, I was out with, I was out in a meeting. I'm meeting at four in the morning. Well, it was one of those all-nighters we were. It was a legal case. You better come up with something better than that, mister. Well, how about this? Now, honey child, honey lamb, you know your husband works hard to bring home the bacon. So he just let off a little steam at a dirty motel six on the side of the highway

with five or six Hooters waitresses, honey lamb, honey child, pizza pie? Just unadulterated casual sex. Nothing emotional, so you don't have to get your panties

in a twist, pumpkin pie, chili cheese dog, onion face. Oh. Okay, well, that's kind of... Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No?

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Have fun. Don't throw your back out. That's kind of, I guess that's okay. And although these girls were in their early 20s, it's the kind of release. Your man needs to make it through the year. He's tired of looking at your skanky ass. green mudded up mud flap dirty nostril cakey eye face beauch oh that that's kind of okay i get it just a carefree baby oil covered orgery something that you're making your man feel bad about now

chicken pop pie corn on macabre leg oh no honey don't well now i'm sorry that i'm sorry that i'm story that I said anything. Can I, look, the sun's almost up. Can I make you an omelet? Let me, you sit down. Let me make you an omelet. Let me scrub your toe. Would you want a foot massage while you eat that omelet?

Let me do that for you. Yeah. And you know what? I'm going to go into work for you today. You stay home and nap. That sounds like a good idea. Why don't you whip up a nice western omelet and make him a fruit smoothie and scrub his dirty, skanky, fungus-covered feet while he's eating.

Honey chicken, lemon pot pie, lemon meringue, coconut, flambay, Toastila, Taco Bell Grande. And while you're at work, why don't you hook a player up and get the hearty from across the street for your old man, bacon sandwich, chucky cheese, twinkle toes, McGinty? What's that? The hot neighbor from across the street? Of course she can come over and read you a story once I'm gone.

Of course. A bedtime story. I'm so sorry, honey. Thank you, baby. I'll be thinking about you when I'm doing it doggy style with the cougar neighbor from across the road. And it's all because I love you, chicken shank, pasta fettuccini,

Lemonade. Oh, thank you. Thank you. I love you too. Can you imagine of that guy? Oh, it just make life so much easier, won't it? You can get away with murder.

What that? You want to put a butcher knife right in my face? You've had enough of my nagging. I don't blame you here. Let me kneel down so you can get a good shot right between the eyes. Oh, you've had this coming a long time, you nasty-ass, flabby-ass. Beardt, and you're going to like it.

But don't forget, even though I'm putting a blame between your face, I love you, coconut pumpkin, cherry cheese, cheeseburger, puffy milkshake face. Oh, stop it, silly. I love you too I'm watching TV I'm watching TV last night I'm not a big fan of commercials I mean thank God for TiV

right through them what a dream treat that is but I caught one last night and this little guy this little white yeast infection freak the Pillsbury Doughboy was on. You know the guy I mean, that little white mutant, that doughy guy running all over with little nubs?

Why doesn't somebody bake him some feet for crying out loud? He's just running around on his nubs all over everybody's countertop. He-he-he-he-ha-ha-ha-ha-nothing says loving like a good old-fashioned cinnamon roll. Solly ever gets off on pastries, ma'am. We'd love to turn on the TV and just, once see him get off on something new like uh he comes on he's like he he nothing says loving like a good old-fashioned 69 position oh yeah i'd like to see pilsbury doughboy and snuggles the fabric softener bear oh man that would have to be the softest place on planet earth right there i'd use

them as a pillow maybe get the uh michelin man in there as a referee Look out. Why do people just poke them in the belly, man? Wouldn't you love to shove your finger right through them and just spin them around on your finger? Spray them with, I can't believe it's not butter? Take them to the beach and watch the seagulls rip them apart. Just find a little doughy chef's hat laying on the sand.

You're just too cute, dough boy. Come on over to my house. I'll throw you in the oven. Brown you up a little, you albino freak. I think I'll pull over for a snack, maybe a donut here on the Harland Highway. What? Too soon? Too soon? What? Can't talk about the dough boy like that too soon? Um, and here's something that irritates me, maybe even a little more than the, uh, annoying little dough boy. I don't know how many you go to the gym and do exercise and get on a life cycle or work out or lift weights or what have you.

I like to go and, you know, do stuff at the gym. And, you know, you work up a sweat. You get hot, you get tired, you got sweat dripping down, your shirt's all drenched, you know. It's not the most comfortable position to be in. And on top of everything else, you dehydrate because you're, you know, you're doing all these physical activities, so you get very, very thirsty.

I'm like, oh, man, I'm going to wander over to that fountain. I'm in between sets. I'm going to go have a... a nice cold drink of water. I can just press the button and lean down and I can feel that invisible liquid cold going down my thorax. Oh, God.

And then you get there and some knob. Yeah, that's right. I said knob is standing there with like their water container. Okay, it's either like a squirty top or it's a thermos or they're filling a... a five-gallon gas can or it's an old like slurpy cup but they're standing there like filling this

thing up which is you know the equivalent of like nine people getting in front of you to bend down and take a drink there it is like glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug and you're like standing there's like dude i've been working out i'm sweaty you could fill your water in the bathroom in the sink this is a drinking fountain not a refill station what's next you're going to pull your winnebago up to the fountain and flush it all out and refill the water tanks. So it's a little rude, a little

inconsiderate. Sometimes you get people that catch you that you're there and they're like, oh, excuse me, and they step aside, they get it. And then you get other knobs, I'll say it again, nobs, who couldn't give a crap what you're doing and they just stand there, tick

doc, tick doc, tick doc, tick dog, they're filling their thing, tick doc, tick, like they're planning a camelback safari across the Sahara. I must Fill this up with water. You never know when I'm going to drink again. I've got to fill this slushy cup up right to the brim.

And then I will take my shirt off and soak it in the fountain water just so that I have moisture against my skin when I put my t-shirt back on. Whatever, dude. I'm trying to get my sets in. Move your dehydrated ass. Wow, there I said it. Woo! Got that out of my system now.

I'm going to go get a drink. Hey, everybody. This is Harland Williams, and you're on the Harlan Highway. Welcome to... The government doesn't want you to know. Did you know that the government doesn't want you to know that getting things done in a government building? Like if you have to file for a new passport,

or visit the IRS or go to the DMV. Did you know that getting anything done in a government building is like a dog chasing his own tail? That's right. You go round and round in circles until finally you come face to face with an a-hole. The government doesn't want you to know. I mean, come on, hey, hey, hey, hey,

Hey, come on, come on now, won't you hey? You want to hear a cruel thing you could do? This is just out and out cruel. This is worse than stepping on a puppy or sticking a stick through a toad. This is worse than putting a cat in a microwave, okay? But, you know, do this if you want. You know, you might lose your partner, your boyfriend or your girlfriend or your girlfriend or your husband. husband or your wife, but it's certainly worth experimenting with, my friends.

We all have little physical attributes that, you know, we don't like and maybe other people don't like, okay? Like, you know, someone might have a blemish or a scar or something. So here's what I want you to do. Get with your partner, your significant other, and strip down naked, and I want each of you to get a nice, bright, highlight marker. Okay, you know, those highlight markers are like neon green and yellow and pink? I need to get a fresh new highlight marker and take turns highlighting the things you don't like on the other person.

Like, for example, hey, Cindy, I don't like that mole on your face. Oh, yeah, well, I don't like your flabby ass. Okay, I don't like your varicose vein right there on the back of your leg. Okay, well, I don't like that little freckle that you have right under your left eye, right there, that big brown, greasy freckles. All right, I don't like your cellulite. What? I don't have, oh, yeah, you do. E, he, he, he, how many are there?

He, he, shut up, I'm still doing them. Oh, my Christ. E, he, he, he, he, he, he, he. Well, I don't like your face. Can you imagine? And then what you have to do is you have to go out. You have to go out for dinner together. And you can put your clothes back on,

but can you imagine you go out with your significant other? they've got green highlight splotches all over their face and you've got pink ones. You look like you both have scurvy or color or something crazy. So there it is. Cruel idea, really cruel. Probably end up in a breakup. Or maybe it will get all the stuff out, all the dirty laundry out, and create a more honest environment for you and your significant other. right so there you go that's from me to you just trying to uh you know perpetuate your

relationship move it forward for better or for worse um so head over to staples get your highlight markers and have fun and speaking of fun my god there's no more fun because we're out of time what the hell is that all about why did i have to highlight that we're out of time what kind of idiot am I you're a big idiot okay mr. Williams all right but let's do do

you said dodo yeah yeah he said dodo yeah what a butt bunch Dill Wade yeah yeah he's A doo weed. He said doo-doo. Ha ha ha. Yeah, yeah, idiot. What a fart knocker.

Oh, ho. All right, Beavis and Butthead. Lay off like your geniuses. All right, let's do some darn, gosh, darn, dirty darn gone announcements here, shall we? Shall we? Shall we? Uh, let's see, what's going on here? What is what is going on? You know what's going on. Tomorrow night, big night in Burbank, California. Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank, California. It's the Apple Tree Boys. And if you don't know what the Apple Tree Boys are, that's me and my stand-up comic buddy, Sean Tweedley and I. We abandon the stand-up,

and we do a full-on sketch comedy show where we take suggestions from the crowd and we just make stuff up on the spot. And it is a blast. So go online to flappers or just show up, and tickets are cheap. And it's a really fun night. It's something new we started doing, and it is a blast. People are really enjoying it, as are we.

So check it out. Flappers, Tuesday, February 21st at 8 o'clock in Burbank. And then the following weekend, yours truly will be in Los Angeles in Pasadena at the Ice House Comedy Club. That'll be March 2nd and 3rd. That's Friday and a Saturday. And don't forget, you can check us out on Stitcher.com. You can have the Harland Highway on your cell phone.

Get the free app at Stitcher.com. Or just go to your apps and type in Stitcher. And don't forget to check out the website, Harlan Williams. and go to the store and all that fun stuff. You can write me there at harloweems.com if you so desire. So that's it. That is all we have time for today, my friends. I hope you had a great time.

Please tell your friends to join us on the highway, become a pavement ponder. And we look forward to doing the next show for you. And until that time, all I can really say is chicken. Chal mean, baby.