The Harland Highway - 374: CINNAMON BOY, ASSES, DOG STORIES

Episode Date: February 23, 2012

A cinnamon scare sweeps the nation, enter, Cinnamon Boy, dog years, sweet asses, DVD bonuses, hiding, hammering, and sleeping in. Twist my Twix bar!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Churn that butter, churn that butter, turn that butter, turn that butter. I don't know why I'm asking you to churn butter, but why not? It's the 90s. What? Hey, welcome, everybody, to whatever decade you're in. Welcome. It's Harlan Williams. You're on the Harland Highway. What an action-packed show. Good night.

DVD bonuses. Are you familiar with those? Yeah. Do they piss you off? Yeah, we're going to get into that. How about sleeping in? Are you good at sleeping in? I'm not very good at it anymore, and I'm pissed.

And by the way, do you ever have people making noise in the morning? Does that help you sleep in? I don't think so. Are you one of these people that hide stuff when you go away on vacation? and then you can't remember where you hid the stuff. We're going to get into that. How about dog years? How old are you in dog years?

I'm 352, but I'm only 12. We're going to be talking about animals, namely weirdly named animals. And then there was a big story in the news, a health scare, and we have an expert coming in, something to do with cinnamon. It's going to be crazy. I hope it's not.

who, but this is the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Relax. Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate. One

Keith Burger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. This is Harland Williams. human being god damn it hey hey hey it's the harland highway

uh how are you kids feeling young at heart how old are you anyhow hmm what do you at 20 40 i'm like 93 but in dog years so technically i'm uh a hundred and 97 Dog years How old your dog man Oh he's like Three years old human years So in dog years he's like

You know 14 Oh um Okay I don't get that Well like he's three right Yeah So if he was a human he'd be like 14 Oh okay now I don't get it still

Okay like he was a puppy Right when he was a puppy he was one, but technically he was seven. Okay, still don't get it. But now he's three, so technically he's 14, and then next year when he's four, he's going to be 75 in dog years. Oh, I see.

Okay, now I don't get it. What the hell are people talking about dog years? Does that mean ugly girls who are like 17 with zits and braces are really like 89-year-old bags? I've never heard of cat years. How old's your cat, man? Well, Little Ruffles is three, but in cat years, it works backwards,

so technically Ruffles hasn't been born yet. She's a little cat fetus. Oh, okay, okay, I totally don't get it. I mean, does anything else go by different years? Why did dogs get the special thing? It's not like they're getting hired to be an actor or an actress. Those are the only people that really lie about their age, right? Sure.

Roseanne Barr? Yeah, I'm, you know, 21-ish, 22-ish. I'll tell you what it is. It's all a bunch of dog crap. Make sure you don't step in it here on the Harlan Highway. Maximum speed, 55. But in dog years, you can drive 112, baby. Bow, wow.

Ah, the good old dog years. The years that make up your life. And on a very serious note, speaking of your life and trimming years off your life and putting your life in danger, there is a horrible fad going around, and this is just beyond dangerous. This is akin to playing Russian roulette with a loaded gun, okay? This is sweeping the nation. It's sweeping the school system. The young kids don't recognize the danger of what they're doing.

And I'll let the news reporters tell you about it. This is frightening. It's startling. It has everyone on edge. And I'm terrified. I don't know where this is going to go. How many lives are going to be lost? But listen to this blood-curdling news story.

This is a story your kids may know about it, but you might be in the dark. It is called the Cinnamon Challenge, and it has New Haven schools on alert. The kids are daring each other to swallow spoonfuls of cinnamon. News 8's Aaron Cox on the scene in New Haven with word that parents are being told to be on guard. All school principals in New Haven are being put on alert to make sure that kids aren't smuggling cinnamon into the classroom. And it's all because of what happened right here at the Clinton Avenue School. Some students using the spice likely brought in from home to take the so-called cinnamon challenge. Not all parents are up on the trend.

Had you heard of this cinnamon challenge? No, I haven't heard of it just now. When they come to school, they say, have you heard of cinnamon challenge? It's a test made popular by postings like this on YouTube. Kids challenge to swallow a spoonful of cinnamon, resulting in a burning sensation and coughing fits. Why do kids do it? It's like, when you told them not to do it, it makes them want to do it more. The principal here put on paid administrative leave

because you witnessed the challenge but didn't stop it. A letter went home to parents warning them of the dangers of the dare, such as choking, severe chest pain, and breathing difficulties, especially for those with asthma. Do you think you'll talk to your kids about it? Yeah, I will. I will, but I think my kids are smart enough to know not to do that. And if they will do it, then they have the answer to me.

Are you going to try it? No. So that cinnamon challenge that happened right here at the Clinton Avenue School, that has sparked two investigations within the New Haven school system and also at the State Department of Children and Families. Reporting on the scene in New Haven, I'm Erin Cox News 8. Boy, this is scary, scary stuff. And I understand that we need to talk about this as a community,

as a society, because people are going to be dying. And, Roger, I believe we have an expert coming in. Is it some kind of physician or a doctor? Roger, is our expert here yet? Oh, here they are. Hey, come on in. Let's see you. Oh, no.

No, no, not you. Hi, I'm Cinnamon Boy, and I love cinnamon. What the hell is he doing here? Roger. I'm cinnamon boy, and I heard there's a cinnamon challenge, and I'm going to eat cinnamon. Roger, what the hell? I thought we had like a professional coming in. I am a professional. I can eat cinnamon better than anyone in the country. I'll take your cinnamon challenge, ass munch. Why don't you get them out of here? I'm here for the cinnamon challenge. You can't throw me out. Oh, you want to have a cinnamon challenge? You can't throw me out. Oh, you won't have a cinnamon challenge, huh, kid?

That's right. Do you not see what this is a dangerous thing, that children are dying, that we shouldn't be doing this? O contraire! Oh, contrary, that's what I said. Oh, great. Suddenly you've got some culture. No, but I have cinnamon, because I'm cinnamon boy,

and I love cinnamon. Knock it off! What's the matter with you? You're not coming in here with cinnamon and you're not going to encourage these stupid kids to swallow cinnamon. I think it's healthy. Look what it's done for me.

I'm cinnamon boy. And I know you love cinnamon. I say it a little more energetic than you. Oh, God. I love cinnamon. Knock it off. Why did you bring bags of cinnamon in here, kid? Because I'm going to eat cinnamon.

Spoonfuls and spoonfuls. In fact, watch this. I'm going to put the whole bag up to my mouth and swallow it and take the cinnamon challenge. Don't do it, kid. I don't care what you say, diphtheria face. Diphtheria face. Here I go. Kid, you are insane.

Taste good to me. I think I'll have some more. What is the matter with you? I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon. Have you had enough kid? Nope, I'm going to take one more challenge. What are you talking about? There's one more cinnamon challenge.

What? I'm going to take it anally. Oh, God, what do you put your pants on? Here I go. Oh my God, he's pouring cinnamon up his butt. I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon In every single hole I can get it into Get him out of here

Roger, get him out This is vile and disgusting and perverted Says you, you baby, here have some cinnamon Now what you do, kid, have some more cinnamon, you creep Kid, I can't breathe Roger, get him out of here Get him out! I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon!

Beach! All the little critters. Who named all the critters? I guess it was God, right? You know, zebra, elephant, crocodile, chimpanzee. Everything's got a cool name, really. And then you got to wonder, when he's getting down to the end of the list, was God just getting so bored, so annoyed with naming all these animals,

maybe even a little pissed off that suddenly right there at the end of the line was this one kind of rough and tumble horse, kind of a half horse, half donkey. He was so pissed. He just, you, you, ass. You're an ass. You know what? technically you look yourself up in the dictionary you're a jackass poor thing man how would you feel going through life being called an ass wait a minute my father used to when i was and he's still

oh man oh man okay i'm an ass Yeah, you ever have someone call you an ass? I think all of us have been through that humiliation, suffered that humiliation. You're an ass, dude. What an ass? What an asshole. You're an ass, man. I'm pretty sure we've all had it.

Whether we did something on purpose or we did something by accident, you know, sometimes people nail you with it. even when it's by accident. Like, you know, let's say you don't hold the door for them, or maybe you ride by and you accidentally splash them. It's been raining, and your car tires sprays. You're an ass. I didn't know. I didn't know there was a puddle there, man.

I wasn't trying to get you wet, man. Right? And sometimes it can be hilarious. And sometimes, and in my case, I wore it as a badge of honor, I had someone of note, call me an ass once. I'm sure you're all familiar with Bill Mar, the comedian and the guy who has a talk show on HBO. Bill Marr.

Well, he used to have a show on ABC before he had real time with Bill Marr on HBO. And it was called Politically Incorrect or Politically Correct or something like that. And I was a regular guest on the show. I did that thing like, I don't know, maybe 12 times or 14 times, I think, or somewhere in there. It was years ago, probably between 10 and 12 or 14 or something. And Bill liked me. Bill liked having me on.

And, you know, the producers always used to say to me before I'd go on. You know, we'd be waiting in the wings and they'd be introducing the guests. And if you don't remember the show, you could probably find. find it on YouTube, but it was kind of a discussion format where Bill was the moderator, and we all sat in a circle, and there were like four guests. You know, you'd have a sports person, maybe an author, a politician, a singer, a comedian, whoever. It was people that had a little notoriety. And so they used to love to have me on.

And just before I'd go on, every time I'd be waiting in the wings, and the producers would sneak up to me and go, Harlan, stir it up out there. Stir it up. Just cause trouble. Push everyone's buttons. And I was like, you're talking to the right guy. Thank you.

So I was like, great, man. And I know they said it to the other guests, too. But I think a lot of the times, at least when I was on, the other guests were a little too polite and maybe nervous to go there. But I was like, hallelujah. So I would not only challenge Bill when I was on. politically incorrect, but I would challenge the other guests and blah, blah, blah, and it was fun. Like I said, they always had me back, and me and Bill had a laugh, and Bill would tell me after the show how much he enjoyed me and blah, blah, blah.

And then one day I got into it to Bill on the air, and we're going back and forth, and I respect Bill's intelligence and, you know, his thought process. I don't always agree with Bill, but I do recognize that he's a worldly guy, and he knows about world events and politics and literature, and I respect that. But that being said, I don't think he's right and all the time. And so one day I was going at it with him on the show, and I think I stumped him. I think I kind of stumped him with something.

I can't remember what we were going at it about, but he just stopped everything. And he just stared at me and he just goes, you're an asshole. And I know they bleeped it on when they aired it, but it was just, I just stopped and I started laughing. I was like, that is hilarious. I was kind of honored that if it's got to come from somebody, at least it came from a guy who's got some brains. And B, I was honored that I kind of, I flummoxed Belmar. I kind of, he got kind of tongue-tied and he didn't know where to go and he didn't know how to handle what I said to him.

So he just went for the old easy out and he just looked at me and he goes, you're an asshole. So I guess if you've got to get called it by someone, if you're going to get called an ass, here's what I'm saying. If you're going to get called an ass or an asshole, you might as well have it done on national television where millions upon millions of people can see. it just to make sure you're humiliated. But in this case, I have a thick skin, I wasn't humiliated, and I actually found it hilarious. I just, I love the look in his eyes. I like the way it came out of his mouth,

kind of this frustrated deadpan delivery. And boom, he just dropped it on me. So fond memories, I hope your memories of being called an ass are as jovial as mine, you asses. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. they offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority.

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code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Okay, okay. This is Harland Williams here on the Harland Highway, and I got a question for you, my peeps. What is going on with DVDs, man? Have you rented one lately? If you've been to the old Blockbuster, you look on the cover, and it's like 75 hours of deleted scenes. It's the uncut version. Sixteen hours of more.

Watch our blooper reel with hilarious blooper scenes. They've never made it into the movie. I mean, what the hell, man? If all this great stuff is in the DVD, what the hell did I see at the theater? Apparently, they decided to cut all the good stuff out. See the most hilarious deleted scenes. The best part of the movie. We decided not to put it into general release across the country. We rent the DVD and see the good stuff.

The movie was crap, but now see why it was crap. We deleted all the good stuff, so you can see it on DVD. Have you ever noticed the bloopers that they cut out that never make it in the movie Are always the funniest part of the movie? Is that ever occurred to anyone to maybe leave the bloopers in? Nothing's worse than going on an Adam Sandler movie Which are bad enough to begin with And then you stick around to the end if you're an idiot

Lo and behold, five bloopers give you more laughs Than the whole two-hour movie do us a favor of Hollywood just start releasing bloopers this Friday the blooper is coming to town you don't want to miss the blooper

Martin Scorsese presents blooper I don't know something's got to be done it's not like you go out for a nice dinner and they give you extra pieces of meat here's an extra steak this is the good one we didn't want you to sample

try this one just give me the goods don't hide them and here's another thing i don't want you to hide okay don't hide like your keys or some money or valuables in or around your house how many of you have done that you're like oh my god look at this watch i got this is a just a three thousand dollar watch now i'm not going to wear it all the time but what i better hide it in case you're somebody breaks into my house. Here's what I'll do. I'll dig a hole behind my bookshelf.

I'll dig right through the drywall and into the mortar. And then I'll go sideways and down between the studs, between the wooden studs. And then I'll burrow to the left behind the air conditioner and down behind the floorboards. And I'll use a coat hanger to jimmy it down there. It'll hide it. and then no one will find my $3,000 watch.

And then I've got some extra money that I ran into, so I'm going to hide that in the ceiling tiles. And then I've got this other thing. It's an iPod, and I'm going to dig a hole out in the garden and put a rock over it. How many of you have hit the Alzheimer's moment when you hide stuff in your house and suddenly, like, you go on vacation,

right? You're like, I'll hide this while I'm in Hawaii. I've got a three-week vacation in Hawaii. I'll hide this stuff. And when I get back, I'll pull it back out. And then you come back and you're like, where the hell did I put that stack of $20 bills? Wait a minute. I had $200 that I was going to take to Vegas.

Where the hell did I hide that? And then you start looking under your pillow and in your shoes and the back of your closet, you know, under the toilet seat. Where the hell did I hide that? Where's my car keys? I want to drive to the store and I hid my keys the other day. Where the hell?

You look up in a tree. You look behind the TV. You look in your slipper. So be careful when you hide things is what I'm saying. Because I'm telling you, man, you might hide them so. good you don't even know where they are man I bet this has happened to each and every one of you where there's

something still missing you're like you know I uh I did have an engagement ring for my girlfriend I hit it and well I'm getting her another one it's not as expensive or nice as the first one because I can't afford a second one but uh yeah yeah I uh I really pulled a boner on this one so just be aware man be aware where you hide things or leave yourself a clue

like write write a little note or you know leaves leave something on your computer if you have a cell phone go into the little memo pad thing and just write um car keys wallet watch and passport are hidden under carpet in living room left north south south corner next to candle holder. Okay, do something. Because, you know, I don't want you to lose your stuff to yourself. And then you have that other insecure moment where you don't remember if you hit it. And then you start to think, well, is it gone?

Did I drop it? Did someone steal it? You can't, you go one step, you regress even one step more. You can't remember if you hit it. It's not just about where did I hide it? Now you're questioning, did I hide it? Wait, wait, did, did I, no, is that could it be? So now you're two steps deeper.

And then sometimes even go, did I even own a watch? What am I? Am I looking for something that I never even had in my possession? I never had a watch. Wait a minute. Do I even have a car? car? Where's my car? Do I? Who am I? What's going on here? Who the hell's? Whose house am I in? Who's Williams? Who's, who's, who's, who's, who's Harlan? Who's Harlan? Hello, 911. We have an invader in my house. Who is it, sir? It's me.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Charles. Oh, Nelson, Riley. Wake up, wake up, wake up, sleepy head. Wake up, darling. I made some breakfast for you and some coffee and some nice hot muffins. Wouldn't that be the way to wake up, huh? Your boyfriend or girlfriend, nice steaming hot breakfast, kissing your feet, rubbing oils on you and worshiping you in the morning. What's the opposite of that?

I think we all know it. Do you ever have someone in your neighborhood getting a new porch put on or having the roof redone or they're having a new family room added to the house? And for some reason, the guys that work there, I guess it gets their blood going, but they decide that the best time to do all the hammering is right when they get there at 6 in the morning. Let's see, we got to unload lumber. We've got to lay out our supplies. We've got to do the wiring. We've got to do the plumbing. Oh my God, you're having a beautiful dream about you and Heidi Kloom and Chucky Cheese

and all of a sudden Woody Woodpecker got in on it? All you construction guys, save your hammering. All right, sit around and have your coffee. Sit around and do the wiring, but do the hammering at least wait to like, can you wait till eight o'clock maybe nine i need my beauty sleep man because i got to go to work so i can get my new family room put on and totally screw up my neighbor's sleeping habits say hello to my little family room Imagine you really laughed like that. Good night. Nelly Frittato.

How late do you sleep in? This is a disturbing trend that's happening in my life that I'm really not pleased about. Really? I'm really not. Hello, God, if you're listening, I'm not happy. Or people, Mr. Sandman, people at this, sleep. Sleep factory, tempripetic, whoever's in charge of the sleeping department. This is disturbing.

As I'm getting older, and you know me, I'm only 18, folks, I'm only 18. As I'm getting older, I hate that word, I'm noticing I cannot sleep in as late as I used to. and it's pissing this old man, I mean this 18-year-old off. Okay? There was a time, if I had nothing to do, if I had no meetings, if I had no work to go to, it's a Saturday, it's a Sunday, I got nothing on my plate. Man, I'm telling you, if I had a dark room and it was quiet,

there's no hammering, I could sleep. until two, three in the afternoon. And it was heavenly. I mean, it's kind of sleep where you wake up and you're kind of unsteady on your feet and in your mind because, you know, you've had so much sleep. You're like, you're almost like,

uh, it's almost like you've been, uh, you know, filled full of that jelly they, the embalming fluid that they put in at the funeral home. You're just like, wow, man. I'm so rested. I'm like a jellyfish, man. I mean, I could sleep in with the best of them. And as I get older, it's getting harder and harder.

I could have a day where I have nothing going on. And I'm not kidding. 6 a.m. Maybe 7 a.m. if I'm lucky, I pop up. Boing! Good morning. Oh, wait. It's still dark out. Doesn't morning mean it's...

supposed to be light out? Do you know how much it pains me to wake up before the sun rises on the other side of the planet? Do you know what a dillweed that makes me feel? I mean, that is just maddening and humiliating. Your eyes flutter open and you're expected to be blinded by the sun. And the room is still the same. mood as when you went to sleep?

Wait a minute. When I went to bed, I turned out my light. It was dark in here. I woke up. It's still dark in here. That's just wrong. That whole transition between light and dark has to happen while you're asleep. If you wake up in the same type of lighting scenario, that's not a good night.

And that's been happening to be more and more. And I usually don't go to bed before 12 or 1 in the morning. I'm a night owl, man. And I wake up and it's dark and I'm pissed. And I usually average like five or six hours. And what's weird, it's not affecting me that much. When I was younger, man, if I didn't get like eight hours, I was just like I was a zombie. I felt like crap.

I felt like garbage. I felt unenergetic. I was cranky. And now I'm like, ah, okay, five hours, six hours, whoopi-do, let's go play tennis, let's go to five meetings, let's go do a set at the stand-up club,

let's go have dinner, let's stay up late and watch Letterman, whatever, you know. I mean, what the hell's going on with me? In a way, it's kind of a good thing, but in a way it's a bad thing. I like the sleep. I like that long hibernation, man.

I don't like this getting up early jazz, and then they also say it's not good for your health. Even though I'm not feeling any side effects of ill health from it, they say your body needs the rest. So I, you know, I guess it's that thing as you're getting old. You know, you always see old people up real early, wandering around on the boardwalk and pushing a stroller and just standing there, staring at a cloud, playing with a yo-yo. You know, throwing their cane at dogs and stuff. So I don't know, man. I'm in my 40s, but God, what's happening to me? Am I about to replace my cozy little pajamas with an adult diaper?

Well, I better get up at 6 a.m. and change the diaper. Wow. Wait a minute. I get the feeling you're not even listening. I get the feeling you people are asleep right now. Is that what my podcast does? They're not even listening. Roger, they're not even listening. I get it now.

My podcast is like a sleeping pill. I've lulled you folks to sleep. Great. Must be nice. That's it. I'll listen to my own podcast and I'll be out like a baby for eight, nine hours. Oh, my God. I've created my own solution.

Oh, genius. I'm going to make a fortune. Move over Lunesta. Move over NyQuil. Move over sledgehammer in the temple. There's a new kid in town. I'm going to make a fortune off of this podcast. Put people to sleep.

I'm just kidding. Wake up! Wake up! How dare you? Wake up! Wake up! Please wake up! Just listen to the podcast.

Wake up! Hello, Mr. Sandman. Wake up! Time to get up. Wake up! Okay, enough. Seriously. Wake the hell up.

It's the end of the show. You've got to be awake for the end of the show. man wow that was just a bit like the fact that you folks really went to sleep i mean really turn it off roger roger really you're gonna go to sleep to me on me not on me i mean you're not going to go to see well if you're a victorious secret model you can go to sleep on me but you know what i mean you wake up roger turn that damn music off now wow i do a lousy sleep bit and everyone takes it for real they're like you know harland there's truth in your words you're your bot your bodcast or whatever it's called really is a good

sleeping antidote your nasally whiny droned out voice that puts me out like no tomorrow well knock it off pay attention There's podcast to be listened to. Oh, boy. All right. Let's get down to the end of the show here. Unbelievable how much I abuse myself. What is that all about?

Hey, announcement time, y'all. Don't forget next weekend. That'll be Friday, March 2nd, and 3rd. Yours truly will be at the Ice House Comedy Club in Pasadena. credible comedy club. This is the place where Letterman and Johnny Carson and comedy legends work this room and still do.

So I'll be doing a headlining show there. Two shows Friday, two shows Saturday. Come on out and check it out if you're living in the L.A., Pasadena area. Or fly in from all over the world. If you're in Australia, fly in for the night. What's the matter with you? And then don't forget, you can write me at harlough williams.com.

You can hear the podcast on Stitcher.com. You get a free app for your cell phone, Stitcher. And guess what? You can listen to the Harlan Highway on Stitcher. So it's beautiful. It'll be like I'm always in your hip pocket. You can go to our store at Harlowyms.com, yada, yada, yada. That's it, man.

That's all we have time for today. Hope you had a great time. Hope you had a great sleep. And all I can say is until next time, Chicken, chow, Maine. Baby! Seriously, wake the hell up.

Good morning. This is your wake-up call. If you require another one in five minutes, Please press five now. Have a nice day.