The Harland Highway - 375: MURDER, DEATH AT KFC, DR. ASCOT

Episode Date: February 27, 2012

Doctor Ascot is in, our obsession with murder and death, a sad KFC story, and what is your dating history? Chingy's Freddy!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I'm going to cry you a river. No, I'm not going to cry you a river, but you might cry a river after listening to this podcast. I don't know. Maybe the tears will be from laughing, and maybe they'll be from sadness. And the reason I say that is I have a bad announcement about a death that happened. Something close to me died, and I got to talk about it. I've got to share, um, share my, my feelings and my story. I'm trying to hold it together here, folks.

Um, also, uh, TV. Why are we so obsessed with death? Um, I mean, good Lord, we love murder. We love human tragedy and death. It's, it's the top-rated thing on television. What is going on with us humans? and how about dating? Do you have some secrets that you never told to your significant other?

Or did they have secrets? We all have them. We're going to talk about that. And then speaking of dying, here's someone, and I hate to say it, I wish would die. Dr. Ascott, but he's here today, and I got to do my on-air therapy session with them if I want to keep my job,

my God-loving, hilarious job, right here. at the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway Relax, get ready to have fun Wow! What we've got here is failure to communicate. One keith burger was everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn

onto the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. This is Harland Williams. God damn it. Hey, this is Harlan Williams, and we are a murder-obsessed society. Murder-obsessed, and if you don't believe me, turn on your TV tonight. Turn it on on any given night. 20 of the 21 shows in prime time are going to be about murder. If it ain't CSI, Miami, it's CSI, New York.

Or it's this or that, or somebody's digging. up a body or solving a murder man what is going on as human beings this is what catches our fancy we're watching shows about other human beings who meet these grizzly ends who have a hammer put through their skull or they're burned alive in a car or their wife or their husband poison them people march around the country saying tvs too violent and movies are too violent and movies are too violent and video games are too violent, but we want it. Whatever happened to Little House on the Prairie? Huh?

I doubt that show could exist these days. It would have to be Little House on the Prairie CSI. Looks like Nellie from the general store has been poisoned. The schoolteacher up at the schoolhouse, somebody rigged it, so when she pulled the bell, it fell on her face, crushed her skull send in the doctor from the little town from House on the Prairie to dissect

her skull and figure out the origin of impact and the angle of trajectory we gotta cut back on all this murder man start watching fun stuff again start

oh Yeah, man, I'm sorry to be the bearer of the bad news, but God, we love it. It's creepy. It's downright creepy the way we gravitate towards all the top-rated shows. All the number one shows are like these horrible butcher festivals. I mean, it is just, we're obsessed with human misery and pain. I guess the psychological aspect is we like to sit there and go, oh, I'm glad that's happening to that guy and not me.

This is real easy. This dying thing? This is a breeze. Dian ain't so bad. Dian ain't so hard. Look at me. You know, I'm sitting here with some pringles. I got a bottle of Dr. Pepper.

I got my arm around my girlfriend here. And look at that guy stuffed into a box. covered with gunpowder and blown up. Look at those serial killer victims. Their feet sticking out of the ground. Their body here, their head over there, and the pile of corn out in the field. Hell, this stuff, this murder stuff,

this death stuff happens to other people, not me. Pass the popcorn, please. Charlese? Yeah. Sure, go to the fridge, get me another orange crush. Hurry up, though. They're about to dig up four teenagers that were buried alive in a car and drag a granny out of a river.

I can't wait to see her rotted corpse. You know what? Make me an omelet. This is going to be great. Yeah, extra cheese, extra onions. Oh, my God, look at her faces decayed. Look at that old lady. Oh, they're pulling her teeth out to figure out her age.

And look at this. Oh, my God. Someone just threw a baby from an airplane. Hurry up. Get in here. Forget the omlet. Get in here. There's a school bus full of children and nuns on fire.

Oh, my God. They're pulling out their black and charred bodies and peeling skin off them. This is amazing. Get in here, you nuts. Don't worry. I TiVote it. Here, let's watch it again in slow motion. Good Lord.

Oh, man. I'm going to order the box set of Pee Wee's Playhouse and Highway to Heaven. How about that? Give me some peace of mind. Or you can just stay here. I'll listen to the Harland Highway. Woo-hoo! I'll take the omelet, thanks.

Hello, Arland. Oh, what are you doing here? I heard you talking about death, Arland. Yeah, I was talking about death. I just did a whole thing on it about the CSIs and the murders and the... Sounds like you're afraid to die, Arland. Well, isn't everyone afraid to die? Let's not deal with everyone else, Arland.

Let's deal with Alland. All right. Don't say my name like that. Oh, Holland. I wish you'd die. Holland. Well, what do you mean am I afraid to die? Of course, who isn't afraid to die?

I want to help you overcome that fear, Arland. Fearing death can create limitations in one's life. Well, no kidding, Ascot. Arland, I want you to put these pennies on your eyes, Arland. What do you mean put pennies on my eyes? Very often in the Wild Wild West They would put pennies on the eyes of the deceased, Arland

Yeah, they also drove around in wagons and ate salted meats Ohland Well, what do you mean put pennies on my eyes Alland they did it in the Wild Wild West, Alland Okay, stop saying the Wild Wild West What does that got to do with me That we're in the 21st century "'Alan, the only way to overcome death is to pretend you're dead, Arland.'

"'That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. "'I'm not putting pennies on my eyes.' "'Aarland?' "'No, I'm not going to do it.' "'Well, how about this, then, Arland?' "'What?' "'I made some silver-dollar pancakes this morning "'and have a couple in my pocket here.'

"'What are you talking about? You've got pancakes in your pocket? I always put a few in my pocket to keep my hands warm, Arland. You put silver dollar pancakes in your pockets to keep your hands warm. Are you an idiot? Holland. Put the silver dollar pancakes on your eyes, Arland. Or you will get a pink slip.

Oh, you're going to threaten me with the pink slip again, huh? That's right, Arland. Give me the damn pancakes. Unbelievable. Maybe forget the pancakes. I want to go back to the pennies on my eyes. Too late, Arlen. That ship is already sailed. What are you giggling? Alon, put the pancakes on your eyes. Give me the silver dollar pancakes. Unbelievable.

All right, here. Are you still there? I'm right here, Arland. All right, whoopie-do. What am I supposed to feel dead? Well, Arland, often when people are dying, they start to feel a warm sensation spreading across their body, Arland. Okay, well, I don't feel... Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute, that now I feel something on my skin. That feels...

Okay, that's kind of like a warm sensation coming across on me. Yeah. Excellent, Arland, yes, that's a... Wait a minute. What does that smell? I'm getting these pancakes up. What the hell are you doing? I'm pouring maple syrup on you, Holland.

What the hell is the matter you with... It's warm maple syrup from Vermont, Holland. What is wrong with you? Pouring warm maple syrup on me. It's like death warming you over, Holland. It's not like death. Stop, get out of here. Now my clothes are all sticky.

I got syrup on my... my neck on my face, take your stupid pancakes, and hit the trail. Just like they did in the Wild, Wild West, Holland. Stop saying Wild Wild West. Another method of dying in the Wild, Wild West, Holland. Stop saying Wild Wild Wild West! Another method they used in the Wild Wild West... Oh!

Holland is they used to hang people from the... the tree. Oh, so what are you going to do? Hang me now? It hadn't crossed my mind, Arland. No, you're not going to do that. Pink slip. Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

Arland, what I want you to do is take my necktie. No. Put it around your neck. No! Stand on that chair underneath the ceiling fan, Arland. I'm not putting your tie around my neck and standing under the ceiling fan. And then I want you to tie the other end

of the tie to the ceiling fan, Arland. Yeah, so you can kick the chair out, right? Holland. I'm not doing it. That's dangerous. Pink slips are dangerous, too, Holland.

Ah, give me the stupid tie, Ascot. Okay, look, I'm trying it on my neck. I'm up on the chair. I'm trying it to the ceiling fan. There, are you happy? You better not kick that chair out from under me. Holland, I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't give you complete therapy. What does that mean?

Say goodbye to the chair, Arlen. No! No, no. I can't breathe. Let me turn the ceiling fan on, Arlen. Oh, no! Stop it! I'm twirling around! I'm... The tie is breaking!

Ah! It's breaking! Ah! That's what they did in the wild, wild west. Holland. I wish that guy would die. Grinding my gears. grinding them and speaking of death while we're on it here's a here's a sad death this may seem

stupid to you folks like most of my podcast seems stupid to you folks but uh guess guess who died someone in my life died recently and i'm very sad about it um kFC died and you're like what the hell is he talking about you know what he's right he is stupid i mean he's just stupid why do we put in the time we could be at the botchy ball club we could be lawn bowling we could be sipping appletinis down at the yacht club what are we doing listening to this tinderhead well let me explain will you okay go ahead stupid easy um there was a kFC in my neighbor hood okay and uh sadly it closed and you're like whoopi do uh you know it's a fast food restaurant they open and close all the time well not this one this one was my little buddy this

one was my companion this one was here in hollywood since i moved to hollywood this this was like my little hangout this is this is the place that I used to go to that saw me transition from a nobody into somebody who did some things and fulfilled some dreams and saw some hopes and visions come to fruition. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes, yes. The answer is yes.

You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. All will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off. one item and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to

Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and a hundred percent free shipping code harland have fun don't throw your back out so let me explain you know i live in la and hollywood and and um you know over the years i've moved around i've had apartments i've had houses yada yada yada but um in the vicinity of where i live there was a there was a little KFC restaurant. And there was a time when I actually lived right up the street from it.

I could walk from my front door. I had a little one-bedroom apartment. I could walk from my front door down to KFC. In about, you know, five minutes I could be there. And then I kind of moved farther away, but it was still, you know, relatively close. It's not, you can't walk to it anymore. but I could drive there in about 10 minutes, you know. And so when I got to Hollywood and I was struggling and I didn't have much money and, you know,

I used to be working and writing and, you know, waiting for the phone to ring type of thing. I would wander down to KFC and next door there was a liquor store. And I guess because it's Hollywood, they sold a trade magazine. It was called The Hollywood Reporter and Variety Magazine. And these are daily trade. They're called trade magazines, and they're kind of magazines for the entertainment industry here in Hollywood. And they're all, you know, anyone can get them,

but they're kind of like an insider magazine where, you know, they make announcements about movies that have been greenlit or creative people like directors and producers who are signed a deal to do a project. or they talk about shows that have been picked up or, you know, actors and actresses that have signed deals or joined agencies, that type of thing. So I used to wander down there and I'd pick up a copy of variety

and I'd be like, gee, I hope I'm in here one day. I hope one day I'm reading about me and a deal. I hope one day just a mention. Harland Williams gets a sitcom or Harlan Williams does a movie or Harlan Williams sells a script or, you know, whatever. You know, that's how Hollywood works. You come to town with nothing and you dream. And in my case, you dream big.

If you don't dream big, don't dream. So I would sit there and read this thing and have my chicken, and it was a small little place, and it was funny. It didn't have air conditioning. And sometimes there was like a sweat box in there. and the guys that ran it were these Spanish dudes who you know I always think okay fast food these guys are here for six months and they're gone

as God is my witness these guys these two Spanish guys worked there from the day I walked into the door till the day they closed the doors and that's almost like 20 years we're talking these two really nice Spanish guys and when I'd walk in, they go, hey, olas, signor, you know,

they dressed me in Spanish, and I would say, hey, oh la seor back, and suddenly I thought I was Spanish, you know. I knew two words, Ola and senor. And, you know, sometimes they'd slip me an extra chicken wing or, you know, give me a little extra piece of chicken, or not that I needed it, but it was their way of saying, hey, you know, we like you, you come in here a lot. you're a you're a dedicated customer and what's funny and here's where i have an attachment to this

place outside of the guys that ran it and i got to you know i got to be friendly with them just just on a hello basis but as as my career started to grow i continued to go in there because i felt a bit of uh you know there's a bit of a homing instinct in me at this place because I was like, this is the little restaurant that was with me when I didn't have a penny in my pocket. And so now I would go into the KFC and sit in my little booth with my chicken wings, my coleslaw, and my honey, I would put honey on my chicken wings. And now I'm picking up my variety and my Hollywood porter, and lo and behold, I'm starting to see my name in things.

Harland Williams gets sitcom. Harlan Williams joins the cast of half-baked. Harlan Williams signs on to do Rocket Man. Harlan Williams joins the cast of the Gina Davis show. Blah, blah, blah, blah. There was a point where I'm not kidding. There were times when I was in there, like, every week. When I was kind of on the hot list and Hollywood couldn't get enough of old Harlan Williams.

And it was exciting, man. It was like, cool. I mean, I didn't buy it just for that. Like I said, I bought it just because I wanted to know what was going on in town. I wanted to know who was doing what, what the pieces to the puzzle were, what movies were getting made, what kind of deals were being done, right? And then all of a sudden, you know, one day I go in there, and my buddies, my, oh la, senor, buddies are like, hey, man, are you in the movies?

Did I see you on TV? And I'm like turning red and I'm blushing. I'm like, well, yeah, I guess so. And I'm like, oh, man, we thought that was you. What are you doing now? You know, and suddenly I went from this kind of, you know, goofy customer. And now suddenly they're like, hey, we get a guy who's, you know, he's on TV, does movies. Not that it changes anything for me or, you know, changes who I am as a human being,

but they got a kick out of it because they, I think they were along for the ride. They saw that I was just kind of this scraggly guy and suddenly they're seeing me pop up in their living room and at their movie theaters on TV and on the screen. And then here's where it gets shocking. Here's where it gets sad. You know, I've been going there consistently, like I said, for almost 20 years. And I'm not kidding, just the other day. I'm sitting at my place.

Maybe I was working on a podcast even, and I'm like, oh, boy, it's like lunchtime. I'm going to go get me some hot wings at my little KFC. All right? I drive down there. I pull up The place is gutted And there's big signs on the window Leased

The KFC sign is gone The tables and chairs are gone The Ola seigneur guys are gone There's no remnants of KFC There's no neon sign There's no spinning bucket They strip this place

I was shocked and saddened all in the same moment I was like, wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no, no, no. It just looked horrible and ugly, it just like this, it's like an empty crater, like a bomb went off. The building was still there, but it had no soul, it had no 11 herbs and spices, it had no chicken. I'm crying, I'm crying right now. And outside of, you know, missing that little ritual that was part of my life, what I really felt bad about is that my buddies were gone. The holas, signor, guys were gone.

And I never got to say goodbye to them. I never got to wish them luck. I never got to wish them well. I never got one final, hey, adios, signor. You know, I would have liked to have shaken their hands and looked them in the eye and say, thanks for the service and you know there was a connection there and i know they felt it too it wasn't like you know a love story or anything to write a movie about but it was what it was and what really bums me out is i was in there probably about uh you know maybe a month ago

maybe even three and a half weeks ago and they were there and i bought my chicken and i went home and i ate it and they never said it anything i mean they must have known the end was near oh so sad so wherever those guys are i hope they're doing great uh thank you for in a way providing me a little space of comfort i know this sounds ridiculous uh harland you're talking about finding comfort at a kentucky fried chicken well that's the kind of guy i am i used to even take friends there I think I took a few dates there even. It was like my little place.

And what's shocking, too, is not only, you know, the surprise of seeing everything just gone and ghost town. But since when does a Kentucky fried chicken shut the doors, man? They're like the most, you know, they're like a famous established franchise. And that place was always busy. That's like how often you see a McDonald's just vanish.

It's, you know, those things are like, Permafrost they don't go away and I guess I just felt sad because it reminded me how life is just always transitioning and things that have meaning to you and provide comfort to you can be there one day and just gone the next and all those memories and all that significance is just gone it's vanished and it tugs at the old heartstrings a little can I get some sad music So there you go. Kind of a long story, but I thought I'd share my moment of death with you.

At least nobody was injured or hurt. It's just a greasy heart-clogging fast food chicken restaurant that's gone. And some of you are probably like, yay, get rid of the greasy fast food. Thank God. Close the rest of them. Well, you know, people find meaning and different things, and this was just my little hang. So it looks like I got to find something new. Hello Burger King, just down the street.

Hello, Ola, Burger King! Hey! I can't pretend to laugh. I'm crying. Okay, I'm saying. Oh, little chickens, little fried. chickens oh oh oh oh oh wow i just cried chicken tears all right let's get out of this i've used up the whole show on this um rip kFC there really is a k turkey fried chicken school yep today we're making

the colonel's original recipe what have you learned fresh chicken makes the best chicken and that we use The leaven herbs and spices. Oh, but that's the kernel's secret. And special pressure cooking. So it's always tender and juicy. Looks like you've learned to make great chicken. Only way to serve our customers right. It's so nice, nice to live, so good about a meal,

so good about Kentucky fried chicken. Let history tell the tale. History. God, history can be fascinating, but it can also. be devastating. You ever have one of those days where you're laying around

with your girlfriend or your boyfriend? You're just laying in bed, giggling and tickling and staring at each other's eyes and suddenly the girlfriend goes. So have you ever done this with anybody? What do you mean?

You know, the thing we just did. Have you ever done that with like another girl? Well, no, I mean, maybe I could have, but it wasn't. As good, I mean, she didn't do it as great as you did, this type of thing. Oh, so you've done it before? Well, no, not really. I mean, we tried it just for a second, and it didn't work out, and we were comfortable with it, so...

But you did try it. Ah! Isn't it creepy to know that the one you're with has done stuff with other people? And then as you're chit-chatting about your past, the other one lets something slip that you really wish you're doing. never heard. Yeah, and then it was at one time he tied me up and we brought the other three girls in and the other two men. What? What? No, what did I say? You said you were tied up and no, I meant my friend Carol. My friend Carol was telling me that happened to her. No, you just said

it was you. Okay, but that was then and, you know, I was young and wild and, you know, it doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean anything? Well, in that case, can we? you do that? Oh no, I would never do that again. Isn't that a toughie? And then that stuff's always in your head. And you know you've got stuff that you could have told her too, right? But you didn't. Because maybe you were the one with the flying trapeze act and the wax candle. History tells us one thing. It's to

watch out about talking about your history. Because you say the wrong thing, my friend. and you might just be history. Harlan Williams. Oh, yeah, and speaking of history, we are history. We are out of time and not a moment too soon. I mean, we didn't want to start uncovering a lot of dark secrets, did we? Ooh.

Hope you had a good time today. I know I did, and I hope you'll be back and tell your friends, about the Harland Highway because we are having a blast motoring along on the Harland Highway. A few announcements, don't forget, you can pick us up at Stitcher. It's an app on your cell phone. Just search for Stitcher and you will be able to listen to the Harlan Highway wherever you go on your cell phone. Don't forget. Also, this weekend, March 2nd and 3rd, yours truly will be in Pasadena, California at the Ice House, doing stand-up comedy and sketch improv comedy, and it is going to be awesome. Make sure you get your tickets for the Ice House in Pasadena. Great club, incredible club, one of the best in the country.

Dave Letterman, Johnny Carson, all the greats have. grace the stage at the ice house so come on out and be part of history and have some laughs and don't forget to check out harlown williams.com check out our store we've got all kinds of fun merchandise for you all the prices have been lowered to help us all through this lousy economy and uh don't forget to write harlem williams.com is the email address and uh maybe Your letter will make it into the listener mailbag when we do that next. But for now, I guess I got to get over to Burger King and start building a nest.

And when I'm there, maybe I'll order a great big bowl of chicken. Chalmyne, baby.