The Harland Highway - 376 MASTURBATION, CELEBRITY RACES, TUG OF WAR

Episode Date: March 1, 2012

Today we discuss masturbation, old soap, idiot drivers, playing Tug of War, good luck charms, and presidential celebrity races. Bing bang bloomlips!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey now, hey now, don't dream it's over. No, you can't dream it's over because we're just getting started. It's over at the end. This is the beginning. The beginning of what you ask? Oh, well, just a little thing I call the Harland Highway. Thank you very much. And what a show we have today.

Oh, my God. I'm going to be talking about your old bars of soap. Are you a cheap ass It scrubs right to the end We're going to be talking about This is creepy but masturbating Ugh Not a topic I want to get into

But I kind of have to Because of some stuff that's been going on Are you an idiot Are you a driving idiot Do you drive like an idiot I'm going to be asking and talking about that And when was the last time you played tug of war You'll be surprised at how recent

it might have been that you played tug of war and you might have lost for all I know um how's your luck how's your luck we're going to be talking about your luck good luck uh and bad luck and then uh oh my god we're going to end out the show unbelievable we are going to the harland highway celebrity racetrack we got some incredible celebrities racing today it's going to get your heart going right here as always on the harland highway welcome to the Harland Highway. Relax. Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate.

One cheeseburger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. This is Harland Williams. I'm a human being. God damn it. It's Harlan Williams. Here, on the Harland Highway, I've got to have a word with you drivers out there, man. Some of you are doing something that I just will never understand, and it's got to stop.

If it doesn't stop, I will come to your homes, and I will kick the door in, and I will shove a blueberry pancake in your face, okay? You're driving somewhere, a bunch of cars are in front of you, and there's an intersection up ahead and you see someone waiting at the intersection waiting to pull out they wait they wait they wait and there's not that much space between you

and the car in front of you but behind you there's nobody there's tumbleweeds and coyotes cross in the road okay that's how clear it is in fact if you look back far enough you'll see a covered wagon with some hillbillies instead of this person at the intersection

waiting until the last car goes by, which is you, they decide to lurch out and cut in front of you and almost cause an accident. They just peel out and you're like, okay, I get it. This dude's in a hurry or this old lady's in a hurry, but I guess the payoff is they're going to go fast because they're obviously in a rush, so they're probably going to, like, disappear on me.

They're going to hit the auto bond in about 3.2 seconds. But then, the miraculous happens. These idiots pull out and putter along at 20 miles an hour. We've all had it happen. They couldn't wait until you had gone by and pulled out into nothingness and picked their nose. No, they had to pull out, screech out in front of you, just so they could slow down and go 20. Oh, when did they get to invent cars with laser beams all that? the front. I gotta buy myself one of those Star Wars, Thai fighters. Next time you pull your slow ass in

front of me, boy, I'm gonna cut you right in half, go right through you. You wanna go slow, go to the zoo and jump in the Galapagos tortoise pen. Have fun there, lazy ass. I got things to do here on the Harlan Highway. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or how about this one? How about you're sitting at a light and there's one car in front of you and it's a red light and you want to turn right but they're blocking you

and they don't have their signal on so you're like okay they're waiting for that light to turn green so they can go through and then I can turn right and then you know after no one going through from the other direction The light finally turns green, and instead of them going straight through, they take the right you're taking. And you're sitting there going, what the hell were you doing?

Like, for the last minute and a half, you could have turned right, but you decided to just sit there? Did you think you weren't allowed to turn right on a red? Is that it? What planet are you on? Oh, God. Don't you just wish you had one of those monster trucks? You can roll over them and crush them. Yeah, that's right, road rage.

We've all got a little road rage. It's a war out there. It's a war! And speaking of wars, how about this? I know most of you that listen are probably like over the age of 10. Maybe not. But how many of you, what was the last time you played, what I consider kind of more of a childhood game?

but sometimes you'll see adults do it like the fair or a picnic or the fireman's picnic or something. What was the last time you played tug of war? Tug of war, where you pull as hard as you can against an opponent who's pulling back as hard as they can. And for all of you that said, gee, I don't think I've played that since I was 12 years old, Or maybe I've never done that. Let me say this.

Wrong. Okay, you've all done it, and you've all probably done it more recently than you thought. And here's what I'm talking about. How many of you in the last 10 to 20 years have enjoyed a nice shrimp cocktail? You're like, what the hell is he talking about? You know what I'm talking about? Shrimp cocktail.

What was the last time you picked up a raw shrimp, okay, and dipped it in the red sauce, and then you bite the top of it off, and then you bite the next portion, then you bite the middle, then you get down to the end, and then there's that little piece, that little piece of shrimp meat, sticking out from that crunchy tail, right? and nobody eats the tail. Some people do, but most people I know don't eat that crunchy little tail. But there's a little piece, and that little piece leads right into the crunchy little tail, and inside that crunchy little tail, the meat continues.

So there's still like a big chunk, a nice shrimp meat inside the crunchy little tail you're holding. But you can't get to it because it's encased in the crunchy little tail. So what do you do? You put the shrimp meat in your teeth, and you grab the end of the crunchy tail, and you start a shrimp tail tug-o-war. All right? You start pulling, you start pulling on that shrimp meat,

and it's a fight to the death, man. Because you want, you like that shrimp. It's delicious. shrimp ass and so you pinch it in your teeth and you delicately position your thumb and your pointing finger

and it's a dance it's a real tug of war it's not just like you know you just don't rip it out if you pull too hard the shrimp tail wins and then you just get the little segment of meat that's that goes

right up to the edge of the crunchy shrimp tail you don't get all the meat down in the shrimp tail so you've got to use that little nub sticking out that's your that's your only hope that's your that's your leverage so you get you got to pinch your teeth just right right at the right spot

and you have to kind of pull and back and forth and you got to it's like the tug of war begins and and who's going to win it if you pull too hard if you if you if you if you if you if you if you jerk it too hard it snaps off and you're screwed so there you go I think all of you have probably had the shrimp

tug-a-war and I hope for your sake you won I hope your bellies are full and thank God we don't have to do this business with all of our food. Or we'd have to grow gopher teeth. Doodee-de-de-de-dee. Feeling groovy. Feeling clean. Feeling sassy. Had a shower today. I mean, not like I don't have one all the time, but today was really good. One thing I noticed, though, you ever get that bar of soap in your shower? And it gets down to a point where it's really, really tiny. Instead of throwing it away, you just keep using it. Like, you can barely even hold onto it.

It's slippery, and it's thin as a wafer. It's like, it's probably smaller than a pringle. And you're like, oh, no, no, no, this, I can still do the old armpits with this. And you start washing all around and doing all the various areas. And you're not even sure if you have it in your hand anymore. For all you know, you could just be rubbing the bare palm of your hand all over your chest and your thighs and your back. Oh, no, I paid for this soap. I'm going to use it up till it vanishes.

It's not like, you know, someone put a dinner in front of you and you feel bad because you're not eating at all. It's a piece of soap, people. I'd say when it gets as small as a pringle, either eat it or get rid of it and open a new one. Come on. Don't be so cheap. Keep it clean, but do it with a big bar of soap, will you? here on the Harland Highway. Oh, yes.

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You know, I work a lot of stand-up comedy clubs. I've been doing it for 20 years. And one of the latest trends I've been noticing, which is a little disturbing to me. I don't like it. Maybe you folks do. Maybe other people do. I don't.

A lot of the younger comics, a lot of the guys I kind of see, you know, the up-and-coming, like the MCs and the middle comics and stuff like that, even some of the more seasoned comics, different comedians, and I don't really get it. But a lot of these guys now, for some reason, think it's funny, and maybe I'm just too old-fashioned, but they think it's funny to talk about themselves, masturbating and I'm just like really this guy is standing up in front of this huge crowd

full of strangers and talking about himself in a room alone like pleasuring himself I'm sorry man I just find that creepy I don't care if you're Louis C.K. or you're open micer I'm just a little weirded out by guys exposing that i mean you know it's not a secret who hasn't done it but i don't know to make a part of your routine and and be up there and talking about it and what what amazes me even more is people laughing about it i don't know i'm not i'm not one to tell you what to laugh at or what not to laugh but i just find it uh because immediately when a comedian starts talking about it you know like any verbalized story uh any any any any piece of material you

you have to fill in the blanks with your brain you've got to uh you've got to uh you know fill in uh fill in the storyline you got to visualize all this stuff it's like theater of the mind and here's these like middle-aged men or these famous guys you know and they're up there talking about stroking themselves and ejaculating everywhere and I'm just like, God, man, now I'm picturing you doing that. I never wanted to picture any man doing that.

I don't want to picture you doing it. And you're up there, you know, talking about it and having fun with it and, there's like so many other topics to talk about. but it just seems like it's in vogue for guys to talk about it. To me, I don't know, man. I feel like you're a bit of a loser talking about that crap. Who am I to judge, right?

But I'm, you know, I'm just spouting off about my taste, what I like and don't like. I'd rather hear a funny story about anything. But you in a room, like, getting off on yourself? switch gears dude ugh anyways that's my little beef for today um how do you feel about it

maybe you you like it i don't know maybe uh something that that you think is funny maybe it turns your crank i don't know you uh you want to talk about it you can leave a message we have a new phone number now it's uh 323 7 139 4330 that's our new hotline or you can write me an email at harlom williams dot com and let me know what you think and i know look i'm in comedy it's like nothing's taboo anything goes we can talk about anything we can talk about 9-11 we can talk about abortion we can talk about jerking off but really do we need to hear that from you

I don't know. I don't need to hear it. Maybe you do. Let me know what you think. 323-739-4330 or harland-williams.com. I don't get lucky to hear. Who are a lucky man? Luck be a lady tonight.

Feeling lucky? Good luck. What's with the good luck thing? you ever get that oh there's an eyelash blow it away for good luck oh oh oops you spilled some sugar over your shoulder it's good luck oh two birds singing oh it's good luck oh old lady just got hit by a boss oh someone just rolled their minivan and 70 people were hurt oh good wish for good luck oh my god does anyone believe in that stuff good luck? How does an eyelash falling out of your face give you good luck? Hey man, uh, looks like one of my eyelashes just fell out. Oh no, what are you going to do? I'm going to go buy like $3 million worth of lottery tickets, dude. This is a good sign. Oh, maybe I should throw some salt over my shoulder so I can have

some good luck. Yeah, man, throw some salt over your shoulder. Let's go buy the winning lottery tickets, man. Okay, I didn't know it was that easy. Hey, look, a shooting star. Hey, why don't we, uh, buy lottery tickets and then go to Pamela Lee Anderson's house and get busy. Yeah, we're the luckiest guys ever. Oh, my God. What a bunch of morons.

Do you want to get lucky? Do you really, really want to get lucky? Go to the lucky driving school and pray you don't get a bad driving instructor. It's Harland Williams. Oh, yeah, luck. Do you consider yourself a lucky person do you know someone who's lucky you ever you ever meet one of these people just

everything seems to go their way no matter where you go no matter what you do you can be on a road trip you can be at a bar you can be at a restaurant you know the middle of it someone says hey let i'll i'll give someone a hundred dollars if they can get what number i'm thinking and your lucky friends like how about 12 oh man there's your hundred dollars right or they're the ones that always get the job always get the promotion they go play bingo they win bingo if they go to Vegas they somehow always seem to be the one that comes home with money they get the right girl they get you ever meet you i think everyone knows a lucky person We're all lucky in our own way.

I mean, we've all been very lucky. We've all had that moment where I'm like, oh, my God, what? I picked the right number. I picked the right color. I picked the right door. And it doesn't have to be just in terms of money or material things. It could be maybe you're lucky that you've had good health, or maybe you're lucky that you've stepped out of the way of an oncoming bus.

And are you one of those people that carry like a good luck charm or an emulet or something like that? Do you carry around? I think a lot of us do. Let's be honest, a lot of us do carry around like a little trinket or a necklace or a bracelet. Or I'll tell you what I did. back in the day I was in Germany years ago and I got my hands on this little it was like a little pocket calendar

the size of a business card and laminated inside this little calendar was a four-leaf clover, a real four-leaf clover someone had pressed it inside and I'll be darned if I didn't carry that thing in my wallet for I bet I carried that thing for 12, 15 years you know um it was like my little uh good luck good luck clover now i don't know if it altered anything in my life it's kind of weird when you think about it um gee uh tim how'd you get that new uh job

uh CEO of operations huh well um let me tell you what i did okay here's what i did uh i found a little business card okay and uh inside that business card laminated now you hear me laminated yeah i got it there was an organic plant a clover okay uh four leaves on it all right and uh it's it's there i keep it my wallet and uh that's how i got the job okay no resume no uh no grinding it out for uh you know, 20 years in the mailroom? Well, of course, I did all that. You know, I mean, but I credit the clover. I mean, come on, man.

I couldn't have done any of this without that green clover. Are you crazy? Or how about you have, did you have the rabbit's foot? Do you have the lucky rabbit's foot? I used to have a necklace that I used to wear. And this is interesting. My mother gave me a necklace way back. I guess when I first moved to Los Angeles, okay, and it was a, it was a, it was from the

Maori culture in New Zealand, and it looks like a bone or a piece of coral, and it looks like a big fat fishhawk, and it's a traditional symbol, and according to my mother, it was a symbol that meant good luck. And I wore that thing for the first, you know, the first, I don't know how many years I was in Los Angeles until one day it was just gone. I think I went swimming in the ocean or something, and it just, I realized, wait, my necklace is gone. But I looked back on those years, and I was like, you know what, those were some lucky years.

A lot of cool things happened for me when I was wearing that necklace. And I miss it, and I wish I still had it, not just because I thought it was lucky, but also because my mother gave it to me. It had a lot of sentimental value. But sometimes I think that that necklace actually had some kind of powers or some kind of energy or something that actually brought me luck. I don't know. But that's us.

We're human, man. We go through the whole lucky rituals all the time, you know. Sometimes you'll walk a certain way or eat it. a certain thing or say a certain thing or whistle to yourself or you know click your fingers together before a meeting oh i better better click my fingers together that's lucky last time i clicked my fingers together i got the job um so there you go luck luck luck let me know if you have a lucky charm that you uh carry here's our new phone number 323 739 43330 It'd be interesting to hear what the pavement pounders consider to be their lucky charms.

And speaking of lucky, holy smokes, I guess you've got to be pretty lucky if you go to the racetrack and pick that lucky horse and win some money. Well, unfortunately, here at the Harlan Highway, we do have a racetrack, but there's no betting allowed. But nonetheless, it's a great time, very exciting races. It's the Harland Highway Celebrity Racetrack, announcing all the races as our announcer, Charles Parsley, and what the hell?

Let's do it. Let's see if you can pick the winner on today's Harlan Highway Celebrity Races. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Charles Parsley, and welcome to the Harlan Highway Celebrity Racetrack. an unbelievable race today. The four Republican nominees for the race for the President of the United States. We have Mitt Romney in Gate 3, Rick Santorum in Gate 4, Ron Paul and Gate 1, and Newt Gingrich in Gate 2 and 3. Yes, he takes up two gates.

They're at the gate. They're ready to go, and they're off. The presidential candidates for the Republican Party are rushing down the track except for Newt Gingrich. It looks like Newt Gingrich is down chewing on a bale of hay right at the gate. But Mitt Romney out of the gate quite quickly. And Rick Santorum quickly at his heels. Ron Paul struggling a bit. Let's not forget he is the senior racer here today.

And Romney, Romney tearing down the track. Rick Santorum, it looks like Rick Santorum has pulled out some knitting needles. Rick Santorum is knitting a vest. He's knitting a homemade vest. As he runs down the track, Romney maintains the lead. Ron Paul limping. It looks like his adult diaper is slipping out of his trousers. But wait, here comes some hippies, some Occupy Wall Street people running out of the crowds with signs. They've lifted Ron Paul up on their smelly shoulders. It's amazing they're willing to do this much work. They are actually carrying Ron Paul down the track.

And Newt Gingrich has just finished his second bale of hay. little cheeks hay and straw sticking out of his mouth and it looks like he's not wait a minute here comes some people from Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac they've actually put a limousine up

and they've thrown New Gingrich in the back New Gingrich getting in a limousine from the people at Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac Rob Paul running down the track the smelly Occupy Wall Streeters up on their shoulders and look at Rick Santoro

he's just finished another vest He's put it on. He's gaining ground on Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney will have nothing to do with it. Mitt Romney turning around, throwing money, throwing sacks, dollar bills, $100 bills and coins, and Santorum's eyes. Santorum covered with money. Romney seems to have an endless amount of money as they near the finish line. Here comes Gingrich's limousine.

He's not going to make it wrong. Paul has fallen down and it looks like, yes, Mitt Romney crosses the line. money dollar bills still floating out of the air newt kingridge's limo has gone straight past the finish line it looks like he's entered an arby's drive-through just a quarter of a mile down the road and it looks like sam torum covered in money and vests will not go anywhere and ron paul rolling around in a naked orgy with the occupy wall street hippies it's dirty it's greasy and it looks rather smelly but he's enjoyed What a wonderful day for racing on the celebrity racetrack here on the Holland Highway. Our winner by $500,000, Senator Mitt Romney. We'll see you next time. I'm Charles Pazley. Wow, unbelievable.

My heart is still pounding. What a race. Holy God. Right of boy, Mitt Romney. I like Romney. my guy. I'm glad he won the race. Hopefully that's indicative of who wins the Republican Party nomination. I like me some Mitt. Like me some Mitt Romney. I like it that he was a businessman and he's got some real-life world experience in the business world. And hopefully he can shake

things up a little. But there you go. Celebrity races here on the Harland Highway, and that brings us to the end of our show, unfortunately. But nice way to go out with your adrenaline pounding, your heart pounding.

And I'm sure a lot of you probably did place bets. And I'm going to call the police on each and every one of you. Unless, of course, you send me part of the winnings. Three, four. Let me give you a few announcements here. As I said, very exciting. We have a new hotline, a new phone number.

If you want to call in and leave a message, some comments, some commentaries, some praise, some criticism, whatever you want. Just don't make it too long. And you might hear yourself on the show here at the Harland Highway. Here's the number 323-739-4-330. And look forward to hearing from you, folks here at the highway. And if you're looking for something to do this weekend, oh, my gosh, are you kidding me? Yours truly will be at the Ice House in Pasadena, California, Pasadena, California, the Ice House Comedy Club. I will be doing shows Friday and Saturday night, March 2nd and 3rd. I'll be doing stand-up and also throwing in a bit of an important.

Prove sketch comedy with my opening act, Sean Tweedley, and we are going to have a blast. So hopefully if you're living in the area, get out there. And don't forget, harlowe Williams.com. If you want to shoot me a letter, if you want to check out the store, I'm on Twitter at Harlem Williams. If you want to join the Twitter feed

and be updated on what yours truly is doing and what kind of goofy thoughts I may be having. at any point during the day, any random thoughts, maybe stupid pictures, get on my Twitter account and come along for the ride. It's all about having fun, isn't it? So thanks again for being here, everybody. It has been a pleasure. Tell your friends to get on the Harlan Highway, and I appreciate you being here. Look forward to the next one, and until that time, chicken chowmaine, baby. Thank you.