The Harland Highway - 378: ME, VINCE VAUGHN, AND A FIGHT ON AN AIRPLANE

Episode Date: March 8, 2012

Too many things to do in your life, a crazy Vegas flight where a fight breaks out all around me and Vince Vaughn, and rainbows. Sweet colored cloud puffs!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Holy jumping. What a podcast. Have you ever seen that movie, Snakes on a plane? Well, how about this? How about, let me tease you with this. How about Vince Vaughn on a plane? How about fight on a plane? How about me, Vince Vaughn, and a fight on a plane?

Oh, my God. Way to you hear this one. And I've got some actual live recordings from the event. I was there. Vince Vaughn was there. It's ridiculous. And you won't believe what triggered the fight. Actually, you might believe what triggered the fight. So hang in for that.

Also, we're going to be talking about, are you one of these people that have too much stuff, too many things to do? You just can't seem to get it all done. Like me talking and talking and talking. Do you wish I would stop talking? Do you like to wish on rainbows? Are you one of these people that believes in the pot of gold

at the other shade of the rainbow? Well, we're going to talk about that today. But mostly we're going to talk about me, Vince Vaughn, and a fight on a Southwest Airlines airplane. Fly into Las Vegas. So put your seatbelt on, put your trade tables up. This is. The Harland Highway!

Welcome to the Harland Highway. Relax. Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate. One cheeseburger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. This is Harland Williams.

I'm a human being. God damn it. This is me, Harlem Williams, motoring with you. And you ever have one of those days where you just got too much to do? You know what I mean? It's like you got to get the car fixed. You got to go pick up so-and-so from the airport. You got to get some work done. You got to paint the house.

You got to rake the leaves. You got to do the groceries. You promised yourself you'd fix that hole in the floor. You've got to watch a show on TV. Oh, yeah. That's what you end up doing. You end up watching TV. You got so much you got to get done that you do nothing.

You know what I mean? It just becomes overwhelming. You almost get depressed. You got so much to do. And what's the answer? Well, I'll do this in the morning and this in midday and then this in the afternoon and this just before dinner and I'll be mostly done. But instead, your mind goes, oh my God, I got so much to do.

I think the solution here is to do nothing. Yeah, I think the best way to get all this stuff done is to go to the drive-thru, get some junk food, sit down and watch TV, and I'm sure I'll get to all this stuff tomorrow. And then tomorrow, it seems like the load is doubled. So suddenly, you're back in the drive-thru and you're watching more TV. It's a vicious cycle, people. It's a vicious, vicious cycle.

Do yourself a favor. Just go do it. I can't talk anymore because I got too much on my mind. I just got to get to the drive-through. And from that, let's flash forward to a situation where people have too much time on their hands. And guess where I'm going with this, folks, back to the ever-decaging society we have

due to people's lack of etiquette with cell phones. Now, get ready for this. This is a real-life experience. Unbelievable, okay? Nestle in for this story. So a few weeks back, I had to fly to Las Vegas to do a show. Okay? It's the opening of a brand-new comedy club

at the Paris Casino in Las Vegas. I've been honored, I've been asked to be the opening guy of the whole club to kick it off to the opening night, the opening weekend. I'm like, you got it. So I go to Vegas, my show's at 8 o'clock, I jump on a plane at about 4 o'clock, okay? Now, as I'm waiting in the lineup to get on the plane, who strolls up right beside me a funny man actor Vince Vaughn

we all know Vince Vaughn hilarious and Vince and I have rubbed shoulders here and there over the years we've said hello we've hung out a little bit and so he walked up I was like hey Vince how you doing he's like hey man how's it going what are you doing you doing a show

I was like yeah and we started talking about hockey and all kinds of stuff We were blabbing away, and we start to get on the plane, and I'm in front of Vince, and I'm thinking, well, gee, I'm talking to Vince. We clearly kind of know each other. Do I kind of sit with him, or do I go off on my own? And he's got a little bit of an entourage with him. I'm by myself.

And as we're giving the lady our tickets, he gets a little bit hung up. And I'm like, you know what? I don't know Vince Vaughn that well at all. so I'm not going to like invite myself to sit with them. It was like one of those awkward things. So I just kept going. And when you fly out of Burbank to Los Angeles, it's kind of cool because it's old school.

You don't go down a ramp. You walk right out onto the tarmac. And they've got two like roll up sets of stairs, one for the front door and one for the back door of the plane. And I don't know anywhere else in the country that loads a plane this way or disembarks this way. So, you know, Vince gets hung up at the ticket thing, and so I just walk out, and I'm like, you know what,

I just want to get on the plane. And when I leave Burbank to go to Vegas, I always go to the back. I just go right back. I walk across the tarmac. I go right to the tail of the plane, the ass of the plane. I climb up and I sit in the backseat, okay? Because it's Southwest Airlines, and we know Southwest. You can't reserve seats.

It's a come one, come all. It's like a fracas. And, you know, I've talked about this before. I get recognized everywhere I go. And so if I sit near the front, everybody walking by might see me or ask for a picture or an autograph, which I'm fine with, but I told you before, on planes I get claustrophobic, and I just get antsy. So I kind of keep a low profile, I go to the backseat, up the back ramp,

and I plunk myself down in the very back seat next to the window. Okay, it's a 40-minute flight to Vegas, up and down. They only have time to serve you like a glass of pop or a drink. That's it. It's like the fastest flight ever, right? And because the two doors open and there's no first class and blah, blah, blah, it loads fast. They get it off the ground.

fast, bing, bang, boom. Okay? And it's always a sold-out flight. Okay, it's Vegas, it's quick, it's inexpensive, so it's always 100, not 100% but 90% of the time sold out. So I'm sitting in the back, and I noticed Vince Vaughn and his crew of two or three go up the front set of stairs, and Vince plops himself down right near the front row, like three rows back, and I'm like, ah, not a season traveler.

like me. I'm in the back, lying low. Little did I know, big mistake. All right? So we're taxing along. We're getting ready for takeoff. Everyone's on their cell phones, as always. Me too. I'm playing a little video game. The ladies like, ladies and gentlemen, please turn off your cell phones and all electronic devices. Boom. All of us shut them off, except for like these two girls that were sitting two rows in front of me, okay?

And for some reason, this one girl must have been about, I don't know, maybe 28 to 31, somewhere in that range, decided to keep talking. All right? So the stewardess walks by, and she's like, ma'am, I've asked you to turn off your phone, please turn off your phone. Stewardess walks away, comes back like a minute later, guess who's still on her phone? And you know how pissed off I get, you know, we'll live. live in this world where nobody, everyone thinks their phone calls are so important.

So now the stewardess is getting a little more abrupt. She's like, ma'am, I've asked you three times, turn off your phone. If you don't turn off your phone, we're turning this plane back, and we're driving back to the gate, and you can finish your phone call that's so important back at the airport. And so finally this girl, huffing and gruffin and gruffin turns it off, and her sister's sitting on the other side of the aisle right across from her with, unfortunately, another man in between the two of them. So it was a sister on one aisle's seat,

then across the aisle was a strange man, and on the other side of the man was this phone lady's sister. Probably a year or two younger, maybe it looked like. And these two are being belligerent, and these two are kind of, you know, they're living in a world where everything revolves around them, okay? They couldn't give a crap about anybody else And so they start talking very loudly

About the stewardess Like, man, I can't believe that she, you know She'd get me off my phone like that I mean, what the, what a bunch of bullshit, you know? And her sister's like, yeah, I don't know what that shit's all about I mean, can't make a goddamn phone call no more What the heck? You know, obviously they were black girls

That hasn't got anything to do with it But I will say they were the sect of black girl the same way there's a sect of white girl there's a sect of Asian girl it can even be a man or a woman every nationality has that certain sect

where you got kind of the it's the white trash kind of belligerent loud annoying maybe uneducated I don't know but just not attuned in to the rest of the world kind of just like you know

hey what's going on around here anybody might have a scratch my ass cheek you know what i'm talking about so these two girls were cut from that cloth okay one was kind of portly and overweight and the other one was kind of you know had all the bling and was like loud and and they couldn't give a crap about anyone else so we start going down the tarmac we start taking off and you can see all the people around these girls are getting agitated, including myself. I'm like, wow, these girls are really loud. Let it go. She asked you to get off your phone.

Get off your phone. But they're just milking it, man. They're just getting louder and louder. And then we're up in the air. Now we're up in the air. We're about, you know, three, four minutes, five minutes up into the air. And there's this cute little Latino girl sitting right behind the girl that was on the phone, who was right across from me on the aisle.

And she's there with her boyfriend, and she's getting agitated. I can see the temperatures rising, and she's starting to roll her eyes, and she's starting to shift in her seat. She was a very sweet girl, and everyone's kind of starting to feel the same energy, and these girls just keep going. Man, I don't know why I've got to turn out my cell phone. I mean, I don't put it and call to me. I mean, what's up with that?

And finally, this little Latino girls, she goes, excuse me, could you just keep it down? You girls are being very loud and very rude and very annoying. Do you mind? And all of a sudden, these girls who don't forget what I said, the world revolved around them, they were like, who are you talking to? What the fuck's going on? You don't be talking to my sister like that.

It just went off, okay? And all of a sudden, there's yelling and screaming and people raising their voice. And here's a, you know what? I pulled out my phone. and I missed part of it, but I got the back end of it, and here is some of the commotion. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to

make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority plus 100% free shipping on your entire order doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast don't wait better sex is just a click away that's 50% off one item and free shipping bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom just go to adam and eve dot com and select any one item, it could be an adventurous new toy, or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland

so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Okay. Okay, now, remember, we're on an airplane here. You hear all the yelling? Normally airplanes are quiet. People sit and read their books and listen to music. watch a movie and these girls are going back and forth yelling and they're starting to get into it with

other passengers and I'm sitting there going oh boy here we go and so the stewardess tries comes up and she says look if you're going to fight we're going to turn this plane around

you girls got to knock it off hear that she goes we have the situation on the plane we have to take it back okay and uh you know everyone's starting to get like freaked out you can feel everyone's anxiety going up i mean you know we're living uh we're living in a world where 9-11 happened and uh all of a sudden there's this big disturbance on the plane and here's what's weird here here's a wow lackey I am. Here's me going, oh, my God, there's a plane's out of control. There's a fight going on.

I hope Vince Vaughn is okay. What? Why am I worried about Vince? Oh, my God, we've got a wonderful actor up front. Oh, my God. Why doesn't Vince Vaughn come and take care of this? Oh, my God, I hope he's okay. I'm like, what the hell am I thinking of Vince Vaughn for?

Right? So then this thing just keeps going. It keeps gone and gone, and the girls will not shut up. And here's what happened next. Okay, folks, due to the situation that we have in the back of the aircraft, we're taking the aircraft back to my bank, just so you guys know what's going on. Hope you're happy. Shut up.

And so now we're going back. thanks to these obnoxious girls. And listen to this. You hear that? Excuse me, ma'am, we're fine, no more problems. Oh, yeah, now that they've decided to turn the plane around and go back, suddenly you're fine. How about that?

What a miraculous moment, huh? Suddenly the world doesn't revolve around you anymore. Gee, suddenly something steps on your plans. Something invades your space. So suddenly you're sorry, suddenly everything's fine? Well, guess not? It's not fine. It started to get any worse.

Now people are, they're frantic. The guy starts yelling out. He's like, man, I'm going to miss my family. I was supposed to be in Vegas at X amount of clock. And I'm sitting there, oh, my God, we're going back. I'm going to miss my show. I'm opening a brand new comedy club. I'm going to let down the guy that hired me.

I'm going to screw up his big opening weekend that he's been advertising for three months. His job's on the line. My reputation's on the line. And now I'm going to go back to the airport. We're flying back. We're going to land because some obnoxious pain in the ass had to be on her phone telling her girlfriend that she bought some new shoes or whatever. So now this guy that's been sitting just behind the obnoxious girl,

he starts laying into him because now they've messed up his plans to meet with his family and so on, and here he goes after them. That's what I don't make this plane back to bring back to her. If you don't want to start me, if you don't come down, if you don't come down, if you don't come down, if you don't come down, I will take this plane back to Burbank. If you don't calm down, I will pick this shot. right so there's another threat and it just keeps getting hotter just keeps flaring up and so finally the captain's getting on board he's out enough and now the captain flying the pilot or whatever he is the captain the pilot whatever they call him he's he's chiming in now but not before

one of the girls, the girl's sister starts laying into the little Latino girl and her boyfriend comes to her defense. I'm supposed to the flight day. I've got a situation, I guess, in the back of the airplane where the cops are fighting. I would like, I would ask some volunteer or able body to go back.

out there and separate the parties and split them in the different places in the cabin to cause this situation down. Unbelievable. So now the captain's like, there's people fighting and he's asking for tough guys on the plane to get up and go break up this fight. And sure enough, this big, like, bodybuilder guy comes lumbering down the alley and everyone starts clapping. they're like wow okay look at you can see this he's one of these guys you can see he was like a weight lifter or something big big white dude right his muscles rippling through his shirt looked like he's probably a green beret or something right and uh and i'm thinking well why aren't i getting up and i'm like well how can i get up i'm like right behind them i'm already here i'm like sitting

right in the middle of it but then i'm going wait a minute why isn't vans von getting up in the middle of this where's the vonster where's uh where's the wedding crasher guy well he's like he's like six and a seven feet tall almost where's where's vince vaughn get back here dude living it up in the front of the plane well i'm back here in the middle of a phone fight if you're willing help out please i'm just kidding i mean what the hell's viz von going to do so now there's this guy back here and uh they separate they separate the troublemakers okay and the girl that was on the phone she gets stood up and they start to move her down the plane and i don't have this on on the audio but as she gets up she looks back at the little latino girl and says oh i'm going to kick your

ass oh i'm going to beat your ass and then it's like wait that that's like a fifth physical threat now. And so now they come on the PA system, and it's like, now they're telling us that the cops are going to be waiting for us when we land. Okay, thanks. Thanks. I guess we got it covered, so do appreciate all volunteers to help with the situation. So now we apparently got it under control.

We got a tough guy sitting there. now we got the police coming at the end when we land Vince Vaughn is okay um that's all that really matters right and the captain comes on one last time and he says you know what because it's such a short flight uh between Vegas and uh Burbank California we're not going to have time to serve your drinks now because of this so now everybody on the plane loses out I know it's only just a drink but you know because of this idiot girl on her phone

and he says, you know what, it would take us just as long to turn back as it would to land in Vegas. So thank God we didn't have to go back. I would have missed my gig. Vince Vaughn would have been upset. And, you know, everyone would have been inconvenienced. So luckily, the captain makes the call, and he says,

you know what, we'll just go. We'll go to Vegas and land after all. Because of a situation we're not going to have the flight attendant, sir, we are continuing on to Las Vegas. The situation we probably be pumped would be heavy going back into land. So it's just about as much time to go back. So I made the decision to continue on. So please remain in your seats with your seatbells fast. And we've got to make this meeting.

Listen to that. People clapping. And the final thing the captain says, he goes, And just for God's sakes, please behave yourselves. Can you believe that? He's talking to a plane full of grown adults. For God's sakes, just behave yourselves. Like we're children.

And you know what? Those two idiot girls were children. And, you know, if you follow my podcast, you will notice that as, it's almost like every six months, I do a new story on how rude and unsocialized people are when it comes to using their cell phones in public. And it's just progressing and getting worse and ruder and more ignorant. And here's a situation where, you know, there were people on that flight who felt their life was in danger. You can't be up in the air on an airplane nowadays and have people yelling and screaming and causing chaos without people filling with anxiety and going,

oh, my God, is this the underwear bomber? Is this the shoe bomber? What's going to happen to Vince Vaughn? Right? And all because this dumbass couldn't make her phone call when she landed. Or she had to be on the phone or she had to give attitude and be rude.

Is it so uncool to be civil anymore? Is it so wrong to have manners? Maybe that's what they should be teaching in high schools. You know, how many of you went through high school and learned all this math bull crap and never have to do math again? How many of you learned so much stuff that never applies to your life? Maybe they should have a course in etiquette, you know? It's a mandatory course where people sit down and learn how to talk to each other and learn how to be polite and learn how to behave.

Oh, God. I mean, imagine the poor stress on poor Vince Vaughn. If his next movie is off, if you go to see his next movie and he looks a little weak, his acting looks bad, if he looks shaky, it's because of this flight. You just got the insight scoop, okay? And who'd you get it from? Me, the Ace Reporter. I'm like Peter Parker, the spectacular Spider-Man. I'm there, you know, I'm there with my phone.

And I don't know if you're getting bored with this story or not, but how about this? I even got it when the cops came on at the end of the flight. I not only recorded it, but I videotaped it with my phone. Because I thought these girls were going to cause trouble It actually went off pretty peaceful But let me give you just a little snippet Of how it all ended

And take note of how quiet and civil everything Is now that the police are here, okay? Suddenly there's no whining and being belligerent And being an obnoxious The world revolves around me attitude Check out how sweet they are And these are the two that with them I'll listen, is everything okay?

I'm just going to ask you guys to step off first. Just step off. Just make sure please calm and relax. That'll be the end. Okay. Can you make it, thanks. Yeah, so please do so. You both?

Yeah, we both. Okay, would you guys stay on the second, then we'll walk out? Yeah, they're all going to walk out. So there you go. And notice how cool the cops were, ma'am, totally professional, very, very, very, you're totally calm the situation. So there you. go. Fight night in the skies with Vince Vaughn. Thank God Vince is okay. That's the moral of this story. Thank God nobody yelled at Vince or slapped him or the police took him. Right? Folks? What?

So what's the lesson learned here today? And I think you already know, but let's just say it all together. Can we do that? Can we just all say it together? Here we go. One, two, two, three, have some cell phone manners and etiquette. It's that easy, man, and all this crap can be avoided. That's my wish. If I could go over the rainbow, if I could make a wish over the rainbow, it would be that everyone knew how to talk on their cell phone. Is there a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?

Has anyone ever gone to the end of the rainbow? I have. Who was raining here the other day on the weekend? And I followed it. I saw the rainbow. I followed it. I followed it. I went through Street and Glenn and Dale.

And the rainbow ended right at this guy's house. I knocked on his door. Larry Smith. He works for dominoes, kind of a beer gut and greasy hair, and his house smelled like onions. So, I don't know about the whole follow the rainbow to the pot of gold. I mean, this thing arched through the sky and came right down on his roof. More of a pot of belly than a pot of gold at the end of that rainbow. But I'll be optimistic.

I'll keep looking. Hey, Dorothy found Oz, didn't she? At the end of the rainbow? Are you a good witch or a bad witch? I don't know, ma'am. My name's Larry Smith, and I just want a sandwich. Because I work for dominoes and I'm a big fatty. Keep your dreams alive, people here.

On the Golden Place, the Harlan Highway. And speaking of rainbows and pots of gold, guess what, everybody? St. Paddy's Day is coming up. It's just around the corner, and thankfully, I put a gag order on every St. Paddy's Day, we have this stupid leprickon, Kringy McRingles shows up, and I specifically told Roger do not let him in the building, do not let him around. He's a nuisance. He's a menace, and we will not have to deal with Kringy McRingles.

some other cool news i am leaving i am on my way to go shoot a new movie i will be starting uh shooting uh next week of a brand new movie that i will tell you more about as uh time moves on very excited uh i'm going to be working with uh nick swartson and uh michael rosenbaum and uh some other funny talented folks and this dromedy coming up. And like I said, I'll keep you posted on that. In the meantime, don't forget, we have a brand new phone number, the Harland Highway Hotline, 323-739, 43330.

3-2-3-739-43. So you can call and leave your impressions, your comments, your insults, whatever you want it's all for you don't talk too long but um love to hear from you or you can write me at harlowe williams dot com don't forget you can get the harland highway on stitcher radio that's an app for your cell phone at stitcher.com or just type stitcher radio into your cell phone and you can download the harland highway uh podcast for your phone and uh my goodness Lots of fun stuff coming up here. Don't forget the Harland Williams.com store

where we have books and CDs and DVDs and T-shirts and stuff available for you at all new low-low prices. And that's it, man. Stay civil. Don't get in any fights on the airplanes. And let's all join hands, huddle in a circle, and do two things. One, say a prayer

for Vince Vaughn and two, have a nice big bowl of chicken. Chau-May, baby. I had your sister's boyfriend dry, help me up and down the field all afternoon. My leg's cut and bleeding. I'm just, I'm not really in the mood for this.

Oh, Jesus Christ! My father warned me about people like you, Jeremy. And there's another notch on your belt. It's not like that. What are you talking? It's not like that. Really? Then what's it like, Jeremy, huh? Ow! No!

Wait, wait, wait. It's just that I'm feeling very strongly that we're only starting to express ourselves in a physical, sexual, specifically way. How that! Way! And I'd like to play some ketchup on finding out who's inside here.