The Harland Highway - 379: CELEBRITY RACES WITH KARDASHIANS, KRINKY McKRINGLES THE LEPRECHAUN

Episode Date: March 12, 2012

It's celebrity races featuring the Kardashians, playing ping pong, going numb, where to go in a time machine, rats and rodents, and the worlds most annoying leprechaun, Krinky McCrinkles. Fresh, frosty, foam face!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Mamma Mia! Pizzeria. No, this isn't a pizzeria. This is a podcast. It starts with P, but we don't sell pizza here. We sell entertainment. We sell stories. We sell education, okay? Wow. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Everybody, I'm Harlan Williams, your host. Glad you could be here. What an action-packed podcast we have today. Have you ever been in a time machine? Where would you go? If you had a time machine, what would you want to see? I'll answer that question today. You ever get numb? You ever get body parts go numb? Yeah, creepy.

We're going to get into that. And I picked up a little sporting activity on the weekend. Tell you all about my adventures in ping pong today. And then we're going to talk about rats. I know. It's a little creepy. but rats and rodents and things that crawl around in the night. And then we're going to the Celebrity Racetrack.

Are you kidding me? Speaking of large, hairy animals, the Celebrity Racetrack. And then lastly, St. Patty's Day is coming up, and we're getting a visit from that annoying leprechaun, Crinky McRingles. Hopefully he gets stuck in a time machine. But you're here, right here, right now on the Harland. Highway

Welcome to the Harland Highway Relax Get ready to have fun What we've got here is failure to communicate One cheeseburger With everything

Coming up You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway Look at me, Damien It's all for you This is Harland Williams I'm a human being God damn it

Who, yeah, it's the Harland Highway. You're motoring along with me. Harlan Williams, the master of ceremonies. Yeah, baby, I could tame a bear. Do you have time for everything? Probably not. Do any of us have time for anything? Man, I wish I had a time machine.

How fun would that be? You ever see that movie, The Time Machine? you imagine going back in time I'm not talking about going back like a couple hours to stop that car crash from happening I'm talking about going back way back like I want to go back to the

Paleozoic era and punch a woolly mammoth right between the eyes how about that Tusky how about uh I don't know go back to Albert Einstein throwing Rubik's cube in his lap Try this song for size genius

Huh Yeah I didn't think so E equals MC what player Ah Go back Go back to the crucifixion of Christ And just as they're putting them up on the cross Be like no way man no

He does do miracles Look Look at these little blue pills. Try one. Try the blue pill, the magic pill that he created. The old Viagra would have saved our Lord's life, huh? You bet you. Oh, time machine. Go on back in time. Got to get back to the future body. I'd go back in time and listen to this whole segment all over again. That's how tasty it is here on the Harland Highway player.

Mm-hmm, that's right. Time out. I needed a time out the other day. On the weekend, I went to a outdoor barbecue, like a little party, and people were playing volleyball and, you know, standing around talking, and I was getting a little bored. and all of a sudden I saw on the counter some ping pong paddles and some ping pong balls. I was like, oh, I said to the guy, said, hey, where's your ping pong? Dave? He goes over there, man, on the tennis court.

So sure enough, I went down to the tennis court, and I looked around the party. He said, anyone want to play ping pong? And this guy said, yeah, I'll play you, man. I was like, great. So we go down to the tennis court, we pull open the, we unfold the ping pong. ping pong table and it was kind of weird right because ping pong is like a mini version of tennis right you got the table you got the net in the middle you got the paddles or the rackets or whatever you want to call them and here we were on kind of a mini tennis court

on a tennis court it felt like one of those Russian dolls you unscrew you know you those dolls you unscrew a doll and inside there's another doll and then there's another doll and then there's another doll and then you blow up well you don't blow up but anyways it was kind of surreal it's like we were playing tennis within the tennis world somehow if you can see what I'm saying um and so here we were and it wasn't a particularly like super warm day It was like, you know, hovering around maybe the low 70s, mid-70s, which is nice. But it wasn't like a hot day.

It was just kind of nice, right? And so I'm like, oh, we kick some time around, play some ping pong. I'm not very good at it, but, you know, I can manage. And this other guy and I, who I'd never met, we started playing, and I'm just thinking, okay, this is casual. And then this guy turned out, he was probably a little better than me. and he won the tournament, although it came down right to one point in a couple of the games. And this guy was good at like moving the ball around. Like he had this shot where he could like tip it over the net,

but he'd aim it right to the side of the table just over the net. So when the ball bounced, it didn't bounce towards me. It bounced to the side. you see what I'm saying so I had to run I had to run around the side to get the ball and then when I go around to the left side he did it back over to the right side this guy had me running around like a freaking kangaroo with its head chopped off man and by the middle of game two I'm like busting a sweat my shirt is all wet my my brow is soaking I'm dripping.

I said, wait a minute, dude, this wasn't supposed to be like sweat-provoking. This was just supposed to be like back and forth. You know, who pitcher's breaking a sweat with ping-pong? That's like playing pool. Playing snooker and suddenly you're dripping wet. You're like, wait, what? I remember bowling once with a guy. He's kind of a chubby guy.

and I remember he was sweating. And I'm like, what the hell? You don't sweat and bowl, man. And that's what I thought about ping pong. I was like, oh, what the hell? But this guy had me running around, so I started doing what he was doing, and I'm popping him off the side.

Now he's running around. And we're both like popping a sweat here. I'm like, how did I get so thin? People are like, Harlan, you look great. What do you, are you like at the gym or something? I'm like, no, I just played three games of ping pong, drop 28 pounds. Wow, you look fabulous. Unbelievable.

Can I get you some cheese puffs? Yeah, why not? I'll burn it off in half a minute. So there you go. I don't know if the last time you guys played ping pong, but maybe it was just me. Maybe it was just my opponent. I don't know. but man it was vigorous

I'd get my heart pumping I'm thinking of maybe training now Olympics road tour forest gump you know so there you go life is full of little

ping pongy surprises now what was that trick I learned when I was in Taiwan with the ping pong ball wait a minute now yeah No.

Numb, num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num... Have you ever been numb? Oh, man, alive. You know what I'm talking about? You wake up in the middle of the night, come out of a deep, deep sleep. Somehow, you turned into Raggedy Ann. You sirk desolade yourself into a position that, I don't know, not even Houdini could get himself into. Your shoulder went around your back and your arm went under your ribs and you've been laying on your arm for like seven hours.

And all the while sleeping on your arm slowly cutting off the circulation. And you wake up and you're like, feel it. You feel that arm with your good hand. Your arm that's still alive and you pick up that other arm and you're like, There's a corpse in my bed. It is horrifying. And you're laying there just, oh, scared. And then suddenly your mind switches gears, and you go, wait a minute.

Whose arm is this? Maybe it's Angelina Jolie's arm, maybe. Oh, and don't go there. Just put your arm in the oven and bring it back to, life. Don't, don't, don't even go there, gentlemen. Just let that arm come to life. And don't let me catch you sleeping on it on purpose for your fantasy reasons. Oh, this is going all wrong. This is disgusting. Shame on you. Shame on you, naughty boys listening. Go stand in the corner. It's just creepy, isn't it? It's just really creepy. It's like you, it's like you,

You feel like you know what you'll feel like when you're dead if that sentence just made any sense. Right? When you pick up that numb arm and you're just holding it in your hand and it's just flopping there lifeless. And you even try and like bend the fingers and you can't feel it. It's like when your lips are numb at the dentist. But it's like, God, this is what I'm going to be like when I die. I'm just going to be this blob. of meat

and bone and weight and mass for someone to move around and there's no control over it there's no like someone just going to like flip my body around and the arms and legs will just kind of land where they want to land

it's weird isn't it it's like all of a sudden there's no motor in charge of the machinery anymore It's like there's no brain, you know, stopping an arm from flopping over or a leg dangling or a finger curl. It's just like, just like jello. And here's a little test you can do. If you want to see what it feels like, okay, to be dead, why you'd want to feel that, I don't know. But since we're talking about it, take your hand and spring.

your fingers out and ask someone else to put their same hand up against yours so you've got two hands together palm to palm and then with your free hand put your thumb and middle finger and rub up and down on the middle finger of the two fingers of the two hands okay so your thumb's going to be going up and down one finger and your middle finger is going to be going up and the other finger and the effect that you get is that you can feel the sensation of your finger but you can't feel the sensation of your friend's finger and it feels like a dead finger oh you go hey man you're dead and they're like no I'm man we're just playing a hand game and you're like no I don't feel anything in

your finger well I don't feel anything in your finger well you're a zombie dude, you're not even alive. No, you're a zombie. You're not alive. I can't feel you either. Oh, really? Well, let me take this gun out and shoot you in the head. See, I told you were dead.

Okay, you're right. I am dead. You just shot me in the head, jackass. So, you know, if you're going to do the little dead finger game, play safe. It's a deadly sport. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No?

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So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and a 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And speaking of deadly sports, oh my God, what a great day. You know, we're talking about ping pong, a great sport, but what about racing? What about horse racing? Hell, what about celebrity racing?

I think it's a beautiful day to head down to the Harlan Highway Celebrity Racetrack. Let's go. We got Charles Parsley standing by. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Charles Parsley. And welcome to the Holland Highway Celebrity races. There's unbelievable celebrities today, the Kardashian girls,

Ricky Javeus comedian, Johnny Depp superstar actor and chef Ramsey, and they are lining up at the gate, ready to go, chomping at the bit on a beautiful sunny raced. And there they go, the gates have flown open. The gates are blown open, and the celebrities are charging down the track. The Kardashian sisters, not... making much headway. Ricky Javier's running down the track with a pint of beer in his hand. Ricky Javier's being followed by Johnny Depp, who's looking very dishevelled. His hair shining in the

sunlight with all the grease. His unshaven face catching flies. The flies sticking in his grizzled beard. And Chef Ramsey, Chef Ramsey in a very tight t-shirt running down the track. It looks like he's scanning the crowd, scanning the crowd for food vendors. He spots a man with a hot dog cart. He runs up into the crowd. He's got a man with his food with the hot dog cart. He's scolding him, asking him if this is the way you run a hot dog cart. He's shaking him. He's shaking him violently. And back down to the track, Johnny Dapp is picking up some dirt. It's as if he's not dirty or greasy enough. He picks up dirt and horse manure from the track and starts rubbing it all over his face.

Ricky Javier sees a man in a wheelchair. There's a man in a wheelchair. Looks like he might be mentally retarded. Ricky Javees starts insulting him and making cruel jokes. He's making fun of the retarded boy in the wheelchair. And the Kardashian sisters still near the front of the gate. They can't seem to figure out how to run. It looks like some trainers are running out

and helping them place one foot in front of the other. They're actually grabbing their ankles and helping them put one foot in front of the other. They are going very slowly. They're so stupid they don't know how to move their legs. And Chef Ramsey, Chef Ramsey, back in the stands. He's punching the living shit out of the hot dog vendor. You can read his lips.

He's saying, this is how you run a hot dog cart. What are you crazy? And Ricky Jabeas, he's got the wheelchair. He's kicked the triple child out of the wheelchair. He's rolling down the track. Past the dirty Johnny Depp at it. Ricky Javees, crossing the line. Johnny Depp virtually black-faced from all the journeys kicked on.

Grease in his hair, flies stuck in his hair like flypaper, the Kardashians still at the front gate unable to move, and Jeff Ramsey covered in blood. An unbelievable celebrity race here at the Holland Highway Racetrack. Ben, you're always running here and down. Remember Ben from Willard? That big greasy rat, looked more like a beaver with a bad haircut.

Yeah, I think I got rats in my house. Or mice. You ever have that? Rodents in your house? You're laying in bed at night, and you're just about asleep. And all of a sudden you hear like, Little footsteps running across your roof, inside your roof.

You want to believe Santa's come early and his reindeer have landed on the roof? On blitzer, on varmin, on dasher on Willard. Oh, it's creepy. Then they get up there and they start chewing on stuff. Their mouths are like the size of a raisin, and yet some of the same. It sounds like Rosie O'Donnell and all you can eat buffet. Put a rat trap out. Rat traps are about 30 times the size of a mouse trap.

They look like a mouse trap on steroids. They're scary looking, man. I seriously think you could probably trap like a Codiac bear in a rat trap. That's how big they are. I set one up outside my house. I got a homeless guy. Dead. snapped his neck.

Had a grilled cheese sandwich in his curled up dead hand. Be careful around those rat traps. Snap! Oh, they'll take your leg off. Those things are monster. Boy, they get those rats, though, man. I don't know. It's almost worth hearing them eat celery.

Because that snap is... It's very creepy. Rodents in the closet. Rats in the attic. Rats It's a rat To me get you what I'm a Go to

There's a rod to get you My mama I'm a bird I'm going to feed star a rod That's what I'm going to I'm going to beat star a rodent It's funny though How we feel about rodents though

Isn't it? Because there's a lot of rodents out there Okay Like a beavers a rodent A squirrels are rodent A rabbit's a rodent Mice are rodents Capi Barras are rodents

Um and you know they all got the kind of the crazy incisor teeth and they all kind of seem to eat the same crap but yeah we we are disgusted and and we cringe when we see a rat but then when we see a little rabbit we're like oh I want to hold it I want to hold it I want it to I want it to lay eggs in my mouth I want the I want the bunny to lay eggs in my hair and in my mouth I want to eat some bunny eggs, right?

I want to rub the bunny all over my naked body. I don't care if it has lice. I don't care if it has lupus. I want to rub the bunny all over my body. I want to wipe my bottom with a bunny. And it's odd. It's odd how we draw the

line with things, right? And here's a sad little story involving a rodent, which is funny because this is going right to my point in the swimming pool at the house. Every now and then I find gophers, these little pocket gophers, which are rodents. And they're kind of disgusting and they got really big teeth and they got big claws and they dig holes in the yard.

And they're no friend of mine because they tear up the yard. And a few times a year I'll find a dead one or two floating in the pool. And in the back of my mind, as much as I love animals, I am an animal lover, I'm kind of like, ah, gotcha! There's the guy that rips my lawn up and puts holes in it and pushes up mounds of dirt. I mean, they really are destructive. It's like those gophers from Caddyshack, man.

They will destroy your yard, and they've half destroyed mine. So I'm kind of like, it's like, you know, karma. karma giving them what's theirs you know i don't have to go out and do the grisly deed of killing them and stabbing them it's like ah you fell in the pool you had it coming buck teeth and that's it's kind of mean the truth is i feel sad for them anything drowning it's like god what a slow horrible death and i think you remember a few years ago on my podcast i talked about how i actually saved one from drowning and kept it as a pet for a while So I do love the critters, but here's the sad story.

The other morning I woke up and I walked outside and I saw a little blob of hair in the pool. I was like, ah, we got another gopher. But then I saw these little ears sticking up. I was like, wait a minute. And it was a little tiny baby bunny rabbit. Little bunny floating in the water, dad, little Easter buddy. And it was sad because little bunnies, I got to say, they're super cute. I mean, they're like little chicks when little chicks come out.

They're just fuzzy and cute and this poor little guy. And I guess it had happened in the middle of the night. And it's sad because you just picture this little fuzzy thing like dog paddling and swimming and trying to get up the side of the pool. And I'm like, should I build a bunny ramp So they can run out of the pool if they fall in So I picked the little guy up by the ears and pulled them out And I was like sad

And you're like, well, what'd you do with the dead body? I was like, well, you know, this was a wild bunny He came from nature I like nature There's nothing we can do for him now Should I just throw him in the garbage? Should I bury him? I was like, you know what, there's a lot of crows that fly around my place.

And like I said, I like the critters, man. I like crows. And I thought, why waste this bounty? I mean, it's sad the little critter died, but at the same time, he's part of the circle of life, man. And rather than just throw him in a garbage can, which is not a fitting end for a wild animal to end up in the garbage container of a human, I kind of thought, well, what would the natural process be? If this little bunny got hurt out in the field

or he got hit by lightning or he got stung by a scorpion, like who would clean up the mess? And I thought, you know what? The vultures, the crows. And I thought, you know what, I'm going to lay him on the grass here and at least, you know, he'll provide some nourishment for a crow and sure enough man about i don't know two hours later i was sitting at my table doing a bit of writing

and down comes this great big raven huge thing like a terra dacca and you know he was like oh man are you kidding me man i don't i don't have to i don't have to hump for my lunch today oh man that look at just lay in there like that like someone put out a picnic phone my man and this guy came down and just as i thought nature would do the crow picked up the little bunny by the head and flew off and had himself a little it's like a drive-through snack and again i felt bad for the little bunny cuddles but i was happy that i was able to you know give the crow something to eat so there you go so when i die i want you to you know roll me out on the lawn and let the crows eat me

and if i know you folks you won't even wait till i'm dead you'll wait till my body's asleep from sleep numbness and i'm just laying there and the crows eat me alive he eats my eyes last so i have to watch them final words before he eats me hey thanks again for that bunny man that was awesome sorry i have to eat you man but that that was a great I was I was kind of feel lazy that day and I didn't feel like hunting and bam baby bunny man thanks dude right on you rock now I gotta kill you and uh speaking of killing we got a guest coming up here and I don't like this guy and I'd like to kill him well as you know St. Patty's Day is coming up and we have to interview

this leprechaun, crinky m'cringles. Aye, I thought I heard you say my name. Crinky McRingles. Yeah, I said your name. I have to. Every St. Patty's Day, my boss, Mr. Featherstone, and sis, I have you in here. Oh, and what a fine man he is. Very smart, isn't he now.

Shirkledy dark, flirtledy dark, schlarkty-darkty-darkty, flirt-dy-dark-dy. Cut it out. You're not getting into that gobbledy-goon. I don't know what you're talking about. My name's Crinky McRingles. I'm an Irish Leprechaun. All right, so we're celebrating St. Patty's Day, the Irish, the over the rainbow, the pot of gold.

Exactly, and I brought me big pot in with me today. What are you talking about Crinky McRingles? My name is Crinky McCringle's. Shirkledy dark, flarkty, darky, shiver me timbers, slarkty darky. All right. We get it. Do you have to do the shiver me timbers, florkely-snorkely thing? Slur-de-darkty, shiver-me-timbers.

All right! Now, I see you brought a pot in, but I don't see any gold in it. Oh, I'll be making you some gold today for your pot, don't you know? Shiver me clarkley. What do you mean you're going to be making me some gold? Well, as you know, at the end of the rainbow, we leprechauns like to stand there and collect gold in our pot, don't you know? Slarkty, darky, shiver me timbers,

Slarkty, darky? Yes. We all know, we all know the myth, the legend. Well, here we go. What are you talking about? There's no gold in your pod. There will be in a second. What are you talking about?

Check it out now, slarkty, flarkty, slurkey, darky, sklarkty, sklarkty. What are you doing? I'm pulling off me little trousers and me green leotards and me curly green curly shoes. What are you doing? Don't take your pants off. I'm going to make you some gold for your pot. What are you talking about?

Well, nobody likes an empty pot, so I'm going to squirt some gold into your pot and give you a big healthy pot of gold there, slurkey-darkty-d-d-d-d-wark-ty. What the hell are you doing? I'm squatting over the pot, making you some gold by timbers, slurkey, flor-ty. Are you kidding me? Are you crapping in that pot? Cranky McRing?

shiver me timbers shiverd let's call it a big pot a gold shall we no pull your pants up what are you doing sitting on the oh oh my god oh that's hurt oh that's a squeaker oh here it comes here it comes shiver me timbers no no pull up your pants oh my god he's taking a crap in the pot here comes your gold now oh oh shiver me timbers who oh shiver me timbers oh oh shiver me tibbers oh shiver me tibbers oh shiver me tibs oh oh oh shiver me tibs Timbers, slarkty, darky. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, that one ripped like a Norwegian sunburn. Shiverby timbers. Cut it out. Pull your pants up. Oh, my God.

Smells in here. That's the smell of fresh leprechaun gold. Shiver me, timbers, slurkey, darky. Get out. Pull your pants up and get out. Oh, one more little gold nugget. Oh, there you go. Shiver be timbers, glarkty, darky, flarkty.

Get out! God, vile. Just vile. Why does that stuff go on here at my podcast? How many of you are like, that's it? I'm not listening anymore. I don't blame you. Go listen to, you know, Mark Maren or listen to, you know,

Chuckie McChingles. I don't, just something, man. I'm not even going to listen anymore. That's disgusting. Leprecon comes in here and squats one out, right in my office. You know, many of those little pine tree air fresheners I'm going to have to hang in here? You know, screw it. I'm going to go to the forest with a chainsaw and cut down like six giant pine trees.

And just bring them in here and lay them out, stand them up in the office, in the studio here sick a million apologies may a may a giant crow and a giant bunny find crinky mcringles and eat them alive dillweed uh well here we go folks uh announcement time uh yours truly is off to shoot a new movie today very excited i'll tell you more about that as we inch along a brand new feature film for the kid to get going in i always love shooting movies uh doing this movie with uh nick schwartson you know nick swartson the uh the actor the comedian um michael rosenbaum the uh lex luther from uh from smallville also did a movie with me called sorority boys So very exciting.

And as a result, I won't be doing any stand-up appearances in the near future. But in April, mid-April, you can catch me at the Winnipeg Comedy Festival. How about that? I'll be doing the Winnipeg Comedy Festival up in Canada, in the province of Manitoba. and that's going to be a lot of fun. And then April 27th, 28th, and 29th, I will be in Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh PA at the Improv in Pittsburgh. So check that out.

And meanwhile, check out our new phone number here at the Harland Highway. 323739, 43330. 323-739-43-30 and you can leave me voicemails or you can write me at harlown-williams.com or if you want to get on my Twitter account and follow the hijinks, you can check me out at Harlan Williams on Twitter. And then we've got a new Facebook page. We're doing a new Facebook page for the the Harland Highway.

It's Facebook.com official Harland Williams page. Okay, and you can listen to the episodes on the page. I'm going to be posting pictures and videos, and you can joke around with the other pavement powders if you want, get to know each other. So that's Facebook.com, the official Harland Williams page. So I hope you join on there and get involved. And that's it, man.

I'm going to go lay down on the lawn, put some seasoning salt on myself, and wait for the crows to come. Until next time, my friends, my pavement pounders, my fishizzles, chicken, chau me, baby.