The Harland Highway - 380: LEPRECHAUN KRINKY McKRINGLES, NEW PROMO GONE WRONG

Episode Date: March 15, 2012

My boss Mr. Featherstone implements a new promo for the Highway and it's godawful, testing 123, you have a THINGY, noises from inside us, and leprechaun Krinky McKringles. Twisted butter buns and bedknobs!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

testing one two three testing one two three yeah we're going to be talking about that okay all the whole testing one two three three thingy and we're going to be talking about thingies too oh my god hey this is harland williams uh on the harland highway with you the pavement pounders and just in my little preamble there i gave away two topics you ever get a little thingy do you know what a thingy is i think we've all had a thingy i'm going to talk about the thingies today as well as testing one two three where the hell did that come from also uh i'm going to visit my boss today uh mr featherstone um i'm hoping he has some good news maybe a promo maybe we're jumping up in the numbers something he usually doesn't call me up to his office unless it's something important so i'm really psyched

um and you're going to come with me on on my trip up to his office And how about belly noises? Does your belly talk to you? I think our bodies talk to us and make disturbing sounds. We're going to get into that. And then St. Patty's Day is coming up. And against all my best wishes, all my best dreams, we have to have Crinky McRingles in here again,

the stupid leprechaun. And I'm going to attempt to interview the nutbag. All right here on the lucky Harlan. Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway Relax Get ready to have fun

Wow What we've got here is failure to communicate One cheeseburger With everything Coming up You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway

Look at me Damien It's all for you This is Harland Williams I'm a human being God damn it Hi, everybody. Welcome to the Harland Highway. I'm walking up to my boss's office, Mr. Featherstone. I guess he wants to see me about something. Maybe it's a promotion, maybe it's some kind of a podcast award or something. You never know what he's going to say, but I'm very excited. I'm hoping it's some good news. He's my boss. He kind of likes to micromanage the show, but I feel like we've been doing really good lately, and I'm going in.

I'm going in. Here we go. Hello, sir, Mr. Featherstone. Good morning. Yeah, how are you, Holland? That's Harlan, sir. What? Harland.

Don't raise your voice of me. No, I'm telling you my name. It's Harlan. You said Howland. Howland? No, Harland. Howland what? Hart.

Harland Williams, sir. I run the Harland Highway podcast. What do you mean you run it? Like you take it out into the park and you run around in the grass and through the trees? No, sir. I'm the host of the Harland Highway podcast. I know what you are. Okay?

Sometimes I wonder if you know what you are. What does that mean? mean uh-huh um come on sit down i don't have time for your shin-digging wallie-wiggles well what sir you heard me shin-digging wallie-wiggles sir what is a shin-digging wallie-wiggle just sit down and stop giving me backlip who do you think you are cape moss cape moss that's what i said coming in here looking all pretty sir i'm not looking pretty I'm wearing jeet. I'll tell you if you're looking pretty.

You're looking pretty. Now, sit out, Moss. Sir, it's Harlan. Sit out and cross your legs. Sir, that's inappropriate. Sit your ass down and cross your dirty legs, Cape Moss. Sir, I'm not Cape Moss. Don't raise your voice in me.

Sir, now listen, let's get down to business. Yes, sir. What is it we're going through today? Did we win an award or something? An award? An award? You think your crap is going to win an award? Well, now, don't call it crap, sir.

Okay, how about dog dirt? Now, don't call it dog dirt, sir. I'm very proud of what I do. Yeah, well, maybe you said flush. Okay, you know what, sir? That's inappropriate. I'll tell you what's inappropriate. Your ratings are inappropriate.

What are you talking about? Your rating. are the worst ratings in all of podcast umdium. Podcast umdium? That's the world of podcasting. Umdium? That's what I said. Sir, I know we're struggling, but...

Yeah! What do you mean? Yeah. By the way, you ever fart on a lasagna? What? You ever pull down your pants and fart? on a freshly made lasagna right out of the oven. No, sir, I haven't farted on a lasagna.

Why would I... All right, calm down. Why would I... Just hang! Now, we're going to do a promotion to get your ratings up higher. Oh, okay, I guess that's not a bad idea. You bet your sweet, tight little ass it is.

Now, sir, uh-huh. Please don't say my tight little ass. Well, I'm sure that's all your guy friends say. Sir, what do you mean by that, the guy friends? Oh, don't give me your ring around the rosy routine, huh? I'm sure we all know the clubs you hang out in at night, uh? The broken pickle. And the broken pickle?

Yeah. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about. What is the, what is the broken pickle? Uh-huh. I, sir. Oh, yeah. The broken pickle, you and your guy, friends.

Listen, sir, we better stick to the, ah, don't tell me what to stick to. Now, you're going to do a promotion, or you're going to get the ratings up. Sir, I'm all about that. I'm a team player. I'm happy to do a promotion. Good.

well what are we doing sir we get one of those things like hands on a hot rod or you want me to sit up on a billboard for a couple of days no no something we want a ratings getter a what sir a ratings get a get a that's right all right what are we doing sir have you ever slept with a senior citizen excuse me have you ever slept with an old lady what are you talking about sir i'm talking 85 and over. No, I haven't slept with an old lady. Well, you're about to. What? That's right, for your ratings, Bonanza. Okay, corny quibble?

Corny quibble, you're going to sleep with an old bag, live on your podcast, okay, for your listeners. No, no, no, no. Don't tell me no, no, no. This is a ratings panama. You're going to sleep with an old

bag, 85 years old, on your podcast live. No, I'm not, sir. Oh, yes, you are. You're going to make love to that old bag. You're going to throw her legs up into the ceiling fan just about. Now, wait a minute, sir. There's some things I won't do. How about you get fired?

Will you do that? Now, sir, now get the hell out of you. There goes my phone. I got to take this. You're going to do that. I'm going to be watching from the side. sidelines down in your studio.

Now, sir, wait a minute. By the way, you ever fart on a minivan? Sir, what do you? Get out of here. I got to take this call. You're sleeping with an old lady. Get out of here. But, sir, get out.

Hey, Mike check, Mike check. One, two, three, four. Mike check, Mike check. Yeah. Yeah. Why is it always mic-check, one, two, three, four? Huh? Why is it always testing, testing, testing, one-two, testing, one-two. Is this thing on? Check, check, check, one, two, three, four. Check, testing, one, two, three, four. Why is it always those numbers, man?

I mean, uh, what happens if, uh, some guys like, uh, oh, yeah, uh, testing, testing, uh, 27, 28, and, uh, 84. Sorry, man, we can't help you. I'm testing the mind. Yeah, you got to do it right. Well, what's right mean? You got to do like, uh, one, two, testing one, two, three, four type of thing. No, I'm not going to do it.

Testing, 152, 7, 9, 22. Sorry, man, can't help you there. What the hell is the matter with you? Mike check one, two, one, two, one, two. It's kind of a weird rule, right? It's kind of almost snobby. It's like who came up with the rule? Check, check, check, one, two, one, two.

Check, check, three, four. Check, one, two, three, four. Mike, check, three, four, three, four, Mike check three, four, three, four. Makes you wonder how it got started. It's one of those weird little nitpicky habit. It's just like a custom. If you say anything else, people are like incensed.

I mean, who walks up to a microphone and just, you know, the way they check it is like, yeah, asparagus, tomato sauce and rhinoceros. Hello, is this on window paint drywall shingles. jingles from the roof hello is this on right i mean was it the guy who invented the microphone was he the first guy ever he like you know he goes hey listen to this man my voice is amplified but just to make sure it's amplified i better double checking testing testing one two three four testing was that really the first thing out of his mouth one two three four what if what if why wasn't it

ABCD testing ABCD ABCD what was with the countdown maybe maybe the microphone the microphone was invented on the launching pad of the of one of the rocket ships testing testing one two three three four we have lift on we have lift on we no so I don't know I just think it's time for a change so from now on it's um testing testing 22 4 16 71

bingo I got a bingo oh my god bingo I got a bingo I got a bingo hey man You got a little thingy on your face. Yeah, right there. A little thingy. You ever been in one of those situations, people, huh? You're hanging out with a buddy or you're with someone you just met. And you're doing your thing. You're looking at new houses or you're at the store.

You're just meeting them at a bar or whatever. And something's not right. They got a thingy. You know what I mean? Not John Carpenter's thing. Not that movie, but something pretty. just as scary. You know there's like a little piece of boogie on the side of the nose or there's like an eye crust or it's a little piece of drool or there's something stuck in the teeth or something's

generally wrong with the facial area. There's a thingy. You never call it what it is. Hey man, there's a giant snod on your face. Hey dude, there's like a piece of roast beef with mashed potatoes stuck in your teeth man uh hey dude there's some eye boogers cresting up in the corner of your eye why don't you uh take them out and patch up a hole on the side of your house with that monster no it's just a thingy because we're not sure what it is it's some kind of crusty substance you don't want to be impolite it's not like you put it there it's their thingy but we don't want to call it what it is because it's disgusting Takes the edge off to call it a thingy.

Hey, uh, buddy, there's a thingy stuck to your face. Makes it sound too cute. Oh, look at a little thingy. Oh, can I pet the thingy? What's its name? It's called thingy. Oh, what a cute little thingy, but get it off because I'm about to puke. Take your thingy for a walk and lose it in a desert dog.

Do the right thingy. Clean up your thingies and get your ass. back out here on the Harland Highway. Sir, no, I really don't want to do this, sir. I really prefer not to do this. Oh, you're going to do it all right. You're going to get over there. We set a bed up in your studio.

You see that old bag laying on the bed? Yes, sir, I see her. She looks like she's about 95, 96 years old. Oh, my God. Look, you're going to get on that bed, and you're going to make love. to that old bag, and it's a ratings getter. I don't think people are interested in hearing me make love to an old lady. I don't think that's a ratings getter.

I think that's going to turn people off. Oh, suddenly, now you own the podcast station? No, I don't own it, sir. I'm the host. Yeah, that's right. Host begins with H. What's that mean? H for how about you sit out and shut your big podcast?

now come on sir that's uncalled for get the hell over there and stop making love to that old bag in that bed we only have that bed for two hours what are you talking about we rented it what we rented the bed from ikea oh my god once you finish banging the old bag we're gonna take it back you can't do that that's unsanitary don't tell me what i can't can do and you're going to get on that IKEA bed it's a queen size you're going to make love to that old bag

our ratings are going to go through the roof this is just all wrong you want to be fired I got nine other podcast guys in the hallway that would be happy to give it to that old bag and why don't you wave to her over there

named Zelda no I'm not wave to Zelda hi Zelda Oh, my God, she sounds like a camel. Well, that's a good thing, isn't it? Probably better than those guys you roll around with. What does that mean? Ah, what?

Ah, sir, I don't get over there and get in that bed and start banging that old granny. Oh, God. That's right. You're pounding that ancient slab of rotten meat. Oh, God. Yeah, that's right. I want you hitting that so hard that dust comes flying out of her

old rotten ass. Now when we come back from the next break, I want you making love to that wild child. Oh, I don't call her a wild child. Oh, God, she sounds like a sick wounded animal. Just shut up and get over there.

Right after the break, you're giving it to Granny, to Zelda. Oh my God. This is the sick. Get over. over there. I'm going. Hurry up. I'm going. I'm going. Stop, stop yelling at me. This isn't easy, you know. Move it. Going over to make love to a granny. Hurry up. I'm going. Sometime this year. I'm going, sir. Oh, my God. Oh, God.

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Went out to dinner last night. Had a bad experience. I'm a sushi guy. I like sushi. I went to this new place I'd never been to before. I guess it was one of those all you can eat, sushi buffet things. You just go in and just pick up your fish and do whatever you want. So, you know, I tried the salmon.

I tried a little octopus. I tried some shark. I tried some snapper, some group, I'm trying all these fish, you know. And all of a sudden, like, I don't know, the security guard, grab me and pick me up, rip of the back of my pants and a collar. on the back of my shirt, threw me out the front door. Right out onto the sidewalk, man.

How embarrassing. And I'm like, I'm laying on the sidewalk, and I'm like, hey, man, I'll never eat here again. I'll never eat at this buffet sushi joint at an aquarium. Yeah, don't eat at aquarium. They got a real attitude, people. Go to a real sushi buffet where they do like,

you eat all the fish you want. I'm heading to a new place right now. I think they call it SeaWorld. Something like that. Bon Appetit, here, on the Harland Highway. All right, that's good. Get right up on top over there. Oh, that's good.

Sir, that's disgusting. Just shut up and do the old bag. Sir Do you have to watch Shut up I run this thing Now you do what you're told Keep making love to the old lady

That the people are going to go nuts For this promotion Oh god Their bones are cracking Sir I mean this is horrible Ma'am I'm sorry Sir

Just keep going Now flip her over Flip it. No, I'm not flipping her over. Flip her over. You're going to do as you're told. Make love to the old lady. This people are going to... This is going to pop your stupid podcast right through the roof.

Sir, I can't... This is disgusting. Oh, God, her bones. Oh, her skin's flaking off. That's all right. People love this stuff. Keep going. Keep going. Hurry up. Are you fired? Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, no! Our father, aren't heaven.

I'll be in my kingdom, God. I will be down. I will. I'm telling you, Jim, don't go over there. It's okay, Margaret. There's nothing there. Please, don't go over there. There's something moving in the woods. Don't worry, Margaret. I can handle it. How about that, huh? The mystery in the woods.

Here's a mystery that I can't figure out. Nancy Drew or the Hardy Boys couldn't figure this one out. You ever been laying with your significant other, your beau or your girl, and you're all, like, naked and pressed together, and you're just cuddling and giggling. You're so close together, you're almost one. Your bodies are so pressed together.

You're almost like one body with two heads. And you're sitting there chuckling and looking all lovey-dovey into each other's eyes. And all of a sudden, there's that weird noise that comes from somewhere in your belly or her belly. It's kind of that... And everything freezes. You could have been right in the middle of the moment. romantic story and that little gurgle you know that sound that yeah that one right there let's hear it again just so we're clear that little

weird like sounds like a midget falling off a cliff or something and then both of you giggle and it becomes a big mystery at the same time you almost go was that you was that me was that my Oh, was that your? Who in the hells? Was that? It's the weirdest sound, man. It sounds like a little, like a little munchkin

calling up from behind a blueberry bush or something. Listen to it. Sounds like a cat drowning in a lake. Reminds me of that movie Alien. There's something living in our bellies moving around. in our intestines. And we never know who did it. I think it was me.

No, it was you. No, I think it was you. No, it was me. It's like the Loch Ness monster. A crop circles. What is that noise that happens when we get too lovi-dovey?

Tune in next week on Mysteries of the planet. Here, on the Harland Highway. Or even worse. I mean, at least with your stomach, you expect there to be noises, right? Because you're, you know, your body's churning food and it's digesting and there's a lot going on, man. It's like a toxic oven in there. But you ever catch your body making a noise from an area that you're like, wait a minute.

There's no way that should, like, you know, like maybe like just towards your back under your rib cage, you'll hear like a. Right? Or something in your nose, all of a sudden just goes... Or your ear does a squeak? Or something, you know, down by your kidney or your liver? Or places where there shouldn't be any noises? That's when it gets even weirder because you're like, wait a minute! I don't digest food in my spleen back there.

I'm not digesting a pizza in my kidney. I don't have a pancake being broken down in my nasal cavity. What the hell's... What are those noises? And you've got to figure those got to be just... Those got to be just the signs of getting old. That's got to be your body, like an old boat creaking on the sea, right? That's just got to be your body going, look, man, come on, dude.

Seriously, man? I've been tucked up here under your ribs for 35, 40 years, man. Man, I had to shift positions. I was getting tired hanging in that same spot. 40 years. You ever stand in the same place for 40 years? I don't think so. You ever lean up against a wall for 10, 15, 25 years?

I don't think so. Well, I have. And I'm going to move. It is scary. And speaking of scary, I should be celebrating this because I'm of Irish descent. I'm of Irish heritage. Oh, God. It's, as you know, it's St. Patty's Day a few days away.

And, you know, normally I'd like to get into the history, the culture of it. but my stupid producer and Mr. Featherstone, my boss, who's had me doing unspeakable things this show, by the way. They want me to interview this idiot crinkie McRingles or some dumbness, stupid leprechaun and little green leotards. He's borderline needs to be institutionalized. And I got no choice. I want to apologize in advance.

I pride myself on our guests. I pride myself on being able to handle some of the morons that come in here. I pride myself on conducting a half-decent interview when I have legitimate guests. But when this nut job comes in, crinky McRingles, he's out of control. I don't know what he's an idiot. And not only that, he's disgracing. A nationality. He's like the poster boy, the spokesperson for the Irish, and he's just foul.

He's a jackass. And I'm not even going to keep going on about it. You'll see. He's coming in. Let's just get it over with. Here we go. Bring him in. Bring the idiot in, Roger.

Let him in. Crinky McRingles. Oh, hey, my name is Crinky McRingles. The shivermy timbers, sklarkty-darkty-darky, darky, schlarkty-darkty-darky? Yes, yes. I know who you are. Thank you very much. Shiver me timbre.

Stop with the shiver-me-timbers. And stop with the schlarky-florky stuff. Can you just have a normal conversation? What are you doing here? My bosses make you come in. I'll be honest with you, Guy. I don't really like you. You're short and you're green.

You got red, goofy hair. You got green leotards on. Shiverby Timbersclothes. Stop it. I'm not letting you do it. Now, what do you want here? Well, it's St. Patty Day's coming up, don't you know? Shiverby Timbers.

Yes, we know it's St. Patty's Day. What are you going to do about it that's more traditional than you just being a jacky's ass. Well, I was going to grant you three magical wishes, larkdy, dorky, in the leprechaun lucky traditions, shiver me glimbers, glimberly blimpers. Stop the glimber me blimbers. What would you like to have your three wishes granted or not shiver me glorkty? Larkdy, darkdy. Yes, yes, okay. I would like three wishes. That's actually, maybe that's kind of nice. Well, there you go, see. Okay. Now we're getting into some rich Irish tradition here.

Thank you. You're very welcome. Shimmer me timbers, my name's Crinky McRingles. Yeah, we know who you are. Well, give me your three magical lucky wishes then. And Crinky McRingles will make them come true. Slarkty, dockty, Flarkty, darkty, All right.

My first wish, I'd like, this may sound selfish, I'd like a million dollars. Okay. That's number one, shiverby timbers. What's number two, sklark-dy-darkty? Number two is, how about a mansion in the Bahamas? All right, what's number three, shiverby timbers, Clark-dy-Darkty. And number three is that you stop talking like a demented nutbag.

Well, shiverby timbers, let me address all your wishes, clerk-dy-dark-d-dark-d-d-y. Great, thank you Ask to your first wish Yes Fuck yourself What the hell did you just say And here's to your second wish What

Go fuck yourself Slorty-Dorcky Fuck yourself Slurdy-Dorcty Go fuck yourself Slorty-Darkty Stop swearing on my podcast And here's your third and final wish

Oh let me guess Go fuck yourself Shimmerby Timbers Glarkty Docty Get out of here I said only three wishes Not four You overstepped your boundaries

And for that you get one more Go fuck yourself Sclarkty-dorkty Shimmer me timbers Go fuck yourself Scarkty-darkty Get out Good God

I never thought I'd be so happy To see the holiday Based on my heritage Go buy quickly What a disgrace Well, regardless of that, freak, have a great St. Paddy's Day, everybody. Have a wonderful, wonderful St. Patrick's Day coming up.

Enjoy the Irish men or Irish woman that is in you. And be having a jolly, jolly good old time. May you be in heaven a half hour before the devil knows you're dead. That was a placard. grandmother and grandfather used to have on the wall. My grandpa O'Donnell had that up on the wall in the kitchen. May you be in heaven a half hour before the devil knows your dad? I always thought that was a good one.

So there you go. Thanks for joining in. Don't forget you can call us at 323739-43-43-3-3-3-3-3-3-3. or you can write to harlidwilliams.com. You can pick us up on Stitcher Radio and all kinds of fun new stuff coming up. Don't forget to join the new Harland Highway Facebook page. We've redone it, so now you can go to Facebook

and look up official Harland Williams. Okay, that's the official Harland Highway page, official Harlan Williams on Facebook. You can listen to episodes on the page. You can post stuff. I've been posting stuff. A lot of funny pictures and videos. And you can joke around with the other pavement pounders on there.

Who knows? Maybe you'll find a husband or wife. That would be great. If anybody out there does that, I want you to let me know. If for some reason you were going down the Harland Highway and you started goofing on the internet and because of this podcast, you met the man or woman of your dreams.

You have to let me know. Because I am now an ordained minister, and maybe I could marry you. And I'll tell you more about that next show. I really am a minister now. Oh, God. I mean, oh, God. So there you go.

Don't forget to check out the store at Harlow Williams, buy some fun merch for you and your friends and uh that's it man i got to get back in the studio uh my boss mr featherstone wants me to finish you know what i hope our ratings go up i have no way of knowing but he seems to know what's best oh so i'm in there getting it on with granny till next time chicken chowmaine baby Thank you.