The Harland Highway - 381: GOODBYE TO AN OLD FRIEND, ROBOTS, BAD DRIVERS

Episode Date: March 19, 2012

Saying goodbye to an old friend, business cards, drivers with distractions, robotic phones. Slurp a slap monkey!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If I were a rich man. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la i just threw my ass out wow uh welcome to the harland highway don't throw this podcast out because i am harlan williams your host and uh welcome welcome welcome so glad you're here man what a show we have today um we're going to be talking about business cards do you collect business cards how many do you have any weird ones I have a few I'm going to talk about that

and are you a lap driver you know I think you know what I mean you put stuff in your lap when you drive like a living breathing creature like a dog are you one of these people that drives around

with a dog on your lap oh yeah I'm peed about that and then something a little sad a little touching I'm going to be talking about when a friend a friend exits your life when a friend goes away how does it make you feel oh it's not fun is it and then lastly oh talk about friends have you got the new syri iPhone with the talking robot

syrian side is she your friend or is it all just computerized BS fake relationship mumbo jumbo You're going to find out right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Relax. Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate. One cheeseburger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. This is Harland Williams. I'm a human being. God damn it. Hey, hey, hey, it's Harland Williams here today. Do you hear a little sadness in my voice? A little bit of sadness. You ever have it where you've got a good friend? You know, you've been living in the same city for, who knows how long?

Five years, ten years, twenty years. You know, you got your little pockets of friends here and there, and some of them you don't see all the time. but you know they're always out there you know they're always these friends that are out in your city and if you needed to call them or you needed to meet up with them they'd be there for you so i have a friend my friend christin who's been here kind of since i moved to town she's finally moving you know met a guy got a new job it's gonna get married and you kind of take these friends for granted don't you when they're just out there

and you know you can call them whenever say hi get together for lunch or dinner but then when they call you that one day or that one night and go I'm leaving you kind of go whoa and it leaves like a little empty spot inside you

leaves a little empty spot in your city the city your end seems just a little bit less friendly because that one person you cared about that you liked is no longer there. They were part of the fabric of your life and of the city. It's like one of your favorite restaurants

is taken down. Or a piece of parkland or farmland that's been there your whole life has suddenly turned into housing development. And you're just like, oh! Why do things have to change? Oh, my heart hurts. Ooh!

It's that type of thing, man. Oh, not to bring you down, people, but I just wanted to let you know it was on my mind. Bummer. But at least I still got all you folks, right? You're not leaving town, are you? All my peeps? All my friends listening to me on the Harlan Highway? Where are you going? Don't go, don't go! Don't go! What, you're moving to that housing development that they just put up? Okay, I passed that every day. I liked a better when it was a field, but... I'll make sure I stop in and say hello

Because you always got a friend in me You've got a friend in me Honk if you see Kristen Yeah you've got a friend in me Beep beep, boo-hoo On the Harlan Highway Oh man And then there's the other people

Right? The people that you can't seem to get rid of of or people in your life that you don't really need in your life. And some of the weirdest people around are business card junkies. You ever been at a function or at some random weird place and somebody introduces you to someone and, you know, you're getting kind of a meaningly idle chit-chat conversation just because you've kind of been forced into it. It's like an awkward social situation.

You're with your friend, Sarah. And she's like, oh, Harland, hey, this is my friend Eddie. He's a real estate developer. Why don't you two say hi? Hey, man. Hi, how are you doing? I'm Eddie. Hey, nice to meet you, man.

So, you like land or what? You mean like the planet? Yeah, I guess so. You know, land, man, that's what I do. I sell land. Wow, I think we're standing on some land right now. Yeah, I own it. I own this land, yeah.

bought it in 73. It's gone up a bit, you know, since then, and then back down, now it's up. I should probably charge you just for standing on it. And you meet all walks of people, right? You meet all kinds of people. And what cracks me up is when, you know, they tell you what they do. Like, let's say they own land. They're a real estate guy.

And you live like, you live in Alaska in a fishing camp. Right? Or you meet a guy who makes gears for helicopter blades. And you run a flower shop down in Tampa, Georgia, or Tampa, Florida, right? And at the end of your conversation, someone inevitably goes, Hey, you know what? Let me give you my card. Here, take my card, you know, and, you know, hit me on.

up, I sell, uh, I sell rotator, uh, sprockets for, uh, helicopters. Um, and, uh, you know, if you're ever, you know, tinkering around the flower shop or whatever, and you're like, you know, what would look good over here, a helicopter blade or a rotor cup or whatever, just call me up. I mean, you get my emails on there, my fax number, uh, hit me up because, you know, I'll take care of that for you. Isn't it weird? Like I was on a holiday recently, and I had to do one of these deals where you have to drive your car onto a giant fairy boat, okay? I think you've either been on one of you've seen them. They're incredible and nautical pieces of machinery.

I mean, we're talking about these giant ferry boats, and you can put like 40, like 18 wheelers on there and 200 cars. and it's really a technological miracle, an engineering miracle, right? So we get hooked up to go down right into where the captain is. You know, we get this special treatment, and we get taken down into the captains, where the steering controls are, where they're, you know, the heart of the ship, where everything's, they're watching and they're steering this huge rig

with thousands of people, and cars and and I'm talking to the guy and I'm like, oh wow, so what is this doing? How fast does this go? And blah, blah, blah. And this goes, well, she goes about 45 knots if you get her up on a good day,

but we got to watch out for the waves and the current sometimes slow us down a wee tad and you never know what's going to happen out here on the frothy sea lad. And I'm like, great. So we're shooting the breeze for about 20 minutes, half an hour. And at the end of it, he goes, here, let me give you my card.

And I'm like, oh, um, okay. And he gives me my card. He gives me his card. And I'm like, I look at it, fairy boat captain. He's like, you take my card, yeah. And I'm like, yeah, no, I got it. I'm putting it right in my pocket. Because, you know, if I ever need a ferry boat captain,

you're the guy I'm calling. We have a relationship. It's just so bizarre. I guess it's people's need or desire to connect and I don't know if it's that feeling like they're getting one step up on everyone else. Hey man, that comedian guy, Harlan Williams was down on my deck of my boat. Yeah, I saw him too, man. He was upstairs walking around taking in the scenery.

Yeah, well, I gave him my card. Yeah, we have a thing gone. He's going to call me if he ever needs a ferry boat captain. Oh, okay, well, I, uh, okay, well, I, okay. Yeah, that's right. Me and Harlan Williams, we got, uh, we got a thing, okay? He's got my fax number, okay? He's got my cell number.

He's got my email. He's got the name of my business. He's got the name of my phone. He's got my title, Captain Jackson, okay? Okay, man, you don't have to get so defensive. Okay? It's just weird, and it happens a lot. You know, I'm sure you've all had it, right?

Hey, man, I own a tanning salon. Here, take my card, you know. If you're ever back from Tasmania, look me up. I'm sure you'll be wanting a tan, you know. Yeah, I own a dog sled team up in Alaska. Here, take my card. Never know when you want to get out for a run and minus 78.

So I don't know. Weird stuff, but how many cards do you have? Maybe you want to share with the rest of us here and tell us the weirdest card you ever got. 323-739, 43330. If you have a wacky business card story you want to share, let us know or write me at harlowe Williams.com. And that address should be right there on the bottom of my card.

See it? Harlanwiliams.com. Here's my number 323-739, 433. Yeah. Yeah, if you ever need a podcast host, man, I'm your guy. Yeah, I'll, no. No what, this between me and you, man, if you ever need me to host your podcast. I mean, just, you know, we're tight, right?

Hello? Where are you going? Where are you going? What do you mean you're going to get on a ferry? What's that mean? Come back. Come back. Please, I want to be your business car, buddy.

Come back. You've got my number and my email and my fax. Call me and write me. Hello? Hey, everybody. This is Harland Williams, and you're on the Harlan Highway. Welcome to. The government doesn't want you to know.

Did you know that Dalmatians are just albino leopards? They're not dogs. They're one of the jungle's most vicious predators. If your children are missing after the puppy grew up, it's because you didn't buy them a Dalmatian. You bought them an albino leopard, and they were consumed. The government doesn't want you to know. I mean, come on, hey, come on now, come on now, won't you, hey, now, come on.

Highland Williams. Let's go for a Sunday drive. Are you a driver? You must be if you're on the highway. Well, maybe you're walking down the highway. But I know most of you probably drive, and this freaks me out. Tell me how you feel about it. how many of you have seen the dildo driving down the street with a dog on their lap okay the dog's either sitting on their lap like right in their crotch keeping their precious package warm and staring out the window or the dog's like standing on the lap and has his hands up on the window and he's like sticking his

face out the driver's side window. Okay, there's that phenomenon. And then here's the other one. You ever see someone driving with a neck brace? They look like a giant, like they got a giant priest collar on. They're like they're super holy or something. I mean, shouldn't that be a... Shouldn't both of those be illegal?

I mean, let's face it, driving. There's a lot of, like, movement of the head. I mean, maybe not that much when you're just, like, whaling down a highway in one lane. But, you know, when you're taking turns and going left and going right and there's traffic swarming all around you, dodging in and out, you're not always going to just use your mirror. And even to use your mirror, you've got to, like, look around back and forth. So I get freaked out when I see some nutbag With a great big white neck brace around their face It's almost like so high

It's like covering their eyes almost Looks like that kid Mort from the Bazooka Joe comics I remember that freak that used to pull the red sweater up Right to his eyes Can never see his nose or mouth I don't know why had a crazy turtleneck sweater That's what these people look like Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have

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That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. It's like, you know what? Obviously your neck is broken or sprained or something's up, baby.

Call a cab, man. Spend 20 bucks. Don't put for the rest of us in jeopardy because you're a cheap wad. Throw down some lettuce, man, and take a ride to the chiropractor or whatever you got to do. Running around town, driving stiff as a corpse. Can't move your head around? What's next? You're going to put one of those cones on your head like they do when dung.

Dogs get ear infections? Why don't you slap one of those on, Tomb Raider? And then how about this? The lap dogs. Okay, look, dogs are unpredictable. A dog could see a Blue Jay sitting on a mailbox and go berserk. A dog could see a cat running down the sidewalk. A dog could see a cloud.

Who knows what a dog thinks, right? And you got this little time bomb sitting on. your lap like somehow he's helping you drive or you can't uh you can't be away from cuddles for more than 20 minutes because cuddles is sensitive or you you can't you can't be away from your puppy screw that man that's a distraction that's trouble waiting to happen you don't know what your dog's going to do is had to get tangled in the steering wheel he could jump at something and you're like oh my god my dog's jumping out the window and we're You go to reach for them, take your eyes off the road, boom.

I saw someone with a neck brace and a dog the other day. Are you kidding me? People like that should just be allowed to drive hearse. Yeah, like a funeral hearse. That way, you know, when they do hit someone and kill everything, at least they're ready to go. It's like, oh, sorry, my bad. Sorry.

I had a Chihuahua on my lap and my neck is immobilized. Yeah, let me see if I can get someone to throw your dead body in the back of my hearse. That's my bet. I knew this was going to happen. That's why I drive a hearse. Can I take you to O'Sullivan's funeral parlor? Well, why am I talking to you? You're dead.

At least you're not going to tell anyone. You're dead. Good night, Nelly Frittato. And I've said that before. So just, you know what, if you're not, if you're not able to drive and you're not able to do it cleanly, just don't do it. I mean, isn't it bad enough where you've got cell phones, people texting and dialing and talking? That's all I need to see now, okay? Someone with a sharpet in their lap, a neck brace, and texting while they're driving.

I might as well just like get out of my car and lay down on the road. road. Hey, over here, yeah, run over me, please. Yeah, run over me because you're going to kill me eventually. And if there's any blood, just have your dog lick it up or, you know, take your neck brace off and absorb it, dab it all up. So there you go. Come on, gang. Let's focus and let's drive when we drive and leave the dogs and the vertebrae. Bray at home. Thank you.

One, four, three, nine. Oh, man. Are we a robot society or what? Do you ever call a, uh, some kind of phone place? And they give you like a robot answering machine? Here, if you're not sure what I mean, listen to this. 411 info. Say a city and state or say other services.

Uh, Denver, Colorado, man. That's Santa Mila, California, right? No. Sorry about that. Go ahead and say the listing you want. Denver, Colorado, man. That's Los Angeles, California, right? No. Sorry about that. Go ahead and say the listing you want.

Uh, Denver, Colorado, man. That's Meadows, Maryland, right? No. Sorry about that. Go ahead and see the listing you want. How about the jolly green giant's big, fat, green ass? That's Newcastle, Colorado, right? No.

Sorry about that. Go ahead and say the listing you want. No, I'm done with you, okay? All right. Good. So now we're going to do things my way, all right? All right. All right.

First of all, I want you to apologize for wasting all my time, you stupid robot. Sorry about that Apologize again Sorry about that Now you're going to go down to the drive-thru and get me dinner All right And then you're going to come home and give me a sponge bath

Okay And then we're going to have wild, crazy robot sex all night long Okay All right Until I blow your circuits All right And when I'm done

You're going to say what? Sorry about that. Yeah. Now get to it. Okay. Robots. I guess in the end, that's the only good thing about them. In the end, you get the final word.

You get to tell them what to do. All right. I wasn't talking to you. Get going. Okay. Sorry about that. Yeah. Robot phones.

Now, I haven't got... the Siri thing yet, okay, the Apple Siri robot thing. But I'm hearing from everyone I know who has it. They love it. They're like, oh, my God, this thing is incredible. It programs their TV. It tells them where everything is. I mean, and you've got to figure this is just the beginning, okay?

I mean, if they've got this technology in your little phone and it can talk to you and tell you what to do, conversations, yada, yada, yada, yada. Just imagine what's next. I've heard rumors. I have no verification. It's just a rumor, but I've heard, I've read that Apple might be getting into the television industry where they're actually going to start manufacturing TVs.

And you know that if they do that, they're going to talk. Imagine that. You walk in your door, no remote. You're just like, I want to see Hawaii 50, episode 3. Okay, here it is. You know. You just talk to your TV and you know Apple have it hooked up to your music and your email and show me emails from John. You got it, boss.

It was pretty amazing, pretty amazing technology. I love it. It's been a long time coming. I guess not if you put it into the perspective of the timeline of. technology and the computer age, the home computer age in particular. But it's one of these things. I think I talked about it before on this show where you, have you ever had an invention, an idea that you came up with that was ahead of its time and you told all your friends

and you talk to people about it? Like, ah, no way. No, it's not really going to work. Well, I can't take credit for Siri, but I would say about, I don't know, five years ago, and maybe even 10 years ago I came up with the idea, but five years ago, I actually talked to a computer developer about this idea. I had these businessmen from a technology company who wanted to sit down with me to talk about the possibilities of, you know, webcasting and stuff like that, and we ended up doing a little work together, and I said to them, I said, guys, this might sound

way out but here's what I'd really like to develop and they're like well what do you got and I said well think about it people spend so much time on their laptop computers now it's like they probably spend more time with their computers than they do with their family and most people have a you know an intimate relationship with their laptop it's like it's got their phone numbers and their friends and their letters and their videos and their pictures and you know it's like their little treasure box right and uh and so i said to these guys i said look i've had this idea swim in my head for a long time that you know your computer should talk to you because it's a very cold empty experience you sit there and you do so much with your computer but it doesn't communicate with you and i said we

must be at the stage and again this was five years ago where you know we can do some kind of program where if you said hey computer how you doing today the computer has a list of generic answers we're going i'm doing pretty good how are you doing today paul i don't know i'm feeling kind of sad oh why is that i don't know what's the meaning of life chocolate paul the meaning of life is dairy rich milk chocolate from switzerland okay thank you you know it didn't have to be too deep it didn't you know humans are easily stimulated right so my thought process was you know as long as you can carry on a reasonable conversation or let's say you're working late into the night you know it's one two in the morning you're a student you're doing an all-nighter you're a guy doing your taxes or you're

filling a report in in the hotel room all by yourself and you don't have time to talk to a friend you don't have time for a lengthy phone conversation but you're just there sitting in the glow of your computer right and you're just like out of nowhere you can go man it's late what tell me a story and you know you give your computer a name tell me a story rory well i remember when i was four years old my sister used to throw eggs at my faith you know or whatever it just made sense to me that laptops would talk and so now we have this incredible technology in the iPhone phone. I'm guessing the laptops are next, but, you know, once again, I came up with a brilliant idea, and I never followed through with it. Although I have to say, I'm sure a million other people

thought of the idea. I'd never heard anyone talk about it, but, you know, it's not that abstract, okay? Laptop talks. You know, there's drive-through windows that talk, okay? But I'm just happy to see it happening. I'm happy to see this technology be integrated into our phones, hopefully our TVs. I mean, I'm sure they'll be building houses in the future that talk. You walk into a bathroom. Would you like me to turn the water on? Would you like me to run the bath, Jim? Shall I flush the toilet for you, David? You know, I mean, just like everything. Yeah, flush the toilet, run the bath, and we're at a clip my toenails. I can't do that.

You're a disgusting cretan. Oh, okay. Yes, you're a troll. All right, thanks. Now get the hell out of my bathroom. You creepy pig. Okay, thanks. What about my bath? I'll take it myself. Fuck off. Whoa!

So there you go, man. It's all getting wilder and crazier. So I'm going to be picking up that new iPhone soon enough. And who knows, maybe I'll just talk to it. I'll podcast to it privately. You folks better be careful. You might get cut out of the equation.

Uh-huh. Be afraid, be very afraid. And a lot of you're like, thank God, William's God. We don't have to listen to your BS anymore. No, I won't leave you for a phone. Don't worry. But I will leave you for today. I hate to do it to you, man.

We are at the end of the show. We're at the end of the podcast. It's just not fair. We just got started, man. Let me run some announcements by you. Please and thank you. Let's see. I am going to be at the Winnipeg Comedy Festival in Manitoba, Canada.

Friday the 13th. Ooh, I don't like that day. But if you feel like you're having some bad luck, come on out and then uh april 27th 28th and 29th i know that's a ways off but you can catch me yours truly at the pittsburgh improv in p.a man come on out get your tickets well in advance and don't forget you can pick us up at stitcher dot com get a free app or your phone um check out the new harland highway facebook page i want you all you guys to join up posting a lot of fun stuff regarding the harland highway want you to all be part of

it it's uh it's facebook dot com backslash official harland williams okay so everybody jump on there and i've already started seeing a lot of the pavement pounders putting up uh hilarious clips and stories and pictures and people are talking to each other it's almost like match dot com but not um okay um and you can listen to the episodes on the facebook page and i'm going to be posting videos and pictures i'm already doing it you're missing out um like i said joke around get to know the other pavement pounders swap stories and ideas um our phone number 323 739 433 30 if you want to leave a comment and harlow williams dot com if you want to drop me an email Maybe we'll get it into the listener mailbag.

And don't forget at harlough williams.com, we have the store where you can pick up books and CDs and videos and t-shirts. All the prices have been lowered to help you through this tough economy. And that's it, man. I hope you had a great time. I'm going to go make love to my cell phone. And until next time, chicken. Chalman, baby. Newcastle, Colorado, right?

No. Sorry about that.