The Harland Highway - 382: Dr. ASCOT, I FOUND A DEAD BODY?? CHEESCAKE FACTORY

Episode Date: March 22, 2012

A visit with Dr. Ascot, microwave food problems, I found a dead body, yikes! Understanding the Cheescake Factory!!! Whipped buttery bloom bloom buns! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Good evening. Won't you come in and sit down? No, I'm not trying to scare you. I'm trying to entice you is what I'm doing. There's a big difference, although my enticing came off is really scary. So let's just start from the beginning again. Hello, everybody. This is Harlan Williams. You are on the Harlan Highway podcast. Thanks for joining.

Welcome. And we have a groovy, delicious show for you today. You ever find a dead body? Well, I did, and this is for real, and this is creepy. So get your slippers on and get ready to nestle in for this story. A dead body. Yeah, gross. How are you with the microwave?

Are you a microwave person, or do you like the old conventional oven and stove top cooking? I don't know. Let's find out. We talk about microwave cooking here on the Harland Highway. And speaking of cooking, this is someone I'd like to throw in the gas chamber. I have to visit with Dr. Ascot today. Have my on-air therapy session. Guy's so annoying.

And then the Cheesecake Factory. You ever eat at the Cheesecake Factory when you're not busy microwaving? Do you love it or do you hate it? We're going to find out right here on the Harland Highland. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Relax. Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate. One cheeseburger with everything coming up.

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. This is Harland Williams. I'm a human being. God damn it. Hey, welcome to the Harland Highway. Oh, what a day for some microwave popcorn. Pop-pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.

You ever like, a little too hasty to get the food out? You ever do that as soon as you hear the beep, beep, beep, the food's done. But instead of waiting for the three beeps, you pop the door open after the first beat because you're so hungry you can't wait for your food and you reach in there and grab it but don't you ever think that maybe just maybe you put your hand in there too fast and there's still some of those microwaves flying all around

is that possible I always think I'm going to stick my hand in for the popcorn and when it comes out it'll be just bone I'll have a skeleton hand I couldn't have waited for those other two beeps. I went in on the first beep, man, and my hand got cooked. But I'll tell you what, at least when I reached into that bowl of popcorn, my hand didn't get all greasy, because I had

no skin. Yikes. Beep, beep, beep. Sounds like this segment's cooked here on the Harland Highway. Are you microwave food people? I keep hearing. that microwaving food is bad for you. Every now and then you read an article or hear a story. Yes, microwave food will give you colon cancer and nasal polyps. But yet there's a gigantic industry filled with incredible microwave items. Where I still get confused, though, after all these years,

I'm still one of these guys that isn't sure what I can put in the microwave. The only thing I'm 100% sure of is tinfoil. You cannot put tinfoil in the microwave oven. You will probably create a vortex and a black hole, and the earth will be swallowed up. But I'm still one of those guys that, you know, if you've got leftovers or you've got like a fast food dish, or you order to. out from a restaurant and they put it in a plastic container or a cardboard container. I'm still one of those guys that's iffy on, you know, if I heat it up the next day.

Like, let's say I got some mashed potatoes and it's in a plastic thing. And I'm like, ooh, wait a minute, do I, can I, should I, would I, yikes. And, you know, you put it in and you're like, okay, I'm going to have a melted plastic dish. mixed with mashed potatoes could be delicious either way it's going to be liquidy good so i still have reservations about putting stuff in sometimes i just you know what i'm going to go for it if a fire breaks out so be it i'll put the fire out when it happens but until now you're going in and and i shouldn't know by now you know i've been microwaving for years but I guess I've never made a mental note of what works and what doesn't.

You know, sometimes, like, can you, can you put a glass of water in there? Can you put a plate in there? Can you put a foam container in there? Can you put cardboard in there? Can you put asbestos in there? Can you put silicone in there? Can you put your head in there and shut up, Williams? All right.

So, anyways, maybe. Maybe you know what can go in there. I hope you do. I hope you don't cook your house down. That wouldn't be good. Fire department shows up. Your house is just down to the smoldering foundation. Oh, what happened, Sarge?

Another jackass cooked his house down. Oh, no, what was it? Shrimp curry. Unbelievable. Shrimp curry microwave fire. Cooked his house right to the ground. Oh, what a two. Dufus. Yeah. But it sure smells good. You want to go get Chinese? Yeah.

So there you go. Be careful with your microwaves. Hey, everybody. This is Harland Williams, and you're on the Harland Highway. Welcome to. The government doesn't want you to know. Did you know that giraffes are just leopards that got their heads stuck in an elevator door and a bunch of zoo people pulled them from one end

and stretched their necks? The government doesn't want you to know. I mean, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on now. Won't you hey, now, come on? And speaking of hoofed critters, how many of you have ever found a corpse laying at the end of your driveway um a three a four no seriously how many of you have found a dead body

laying at the end of your driveway by your mailbox happened to me the other day yep not even joking okay keep in mind i live in the middle of a giant city okay uh 10 11 million people here in los Angeles um some people can go their whole life without seeing a deer or a wild animal and i think i've talked to you on this show before about all the critters that live up around my house in the middle of the city it's ridiculous and uh i come driving home the other day middle of the day like you know three in the afternoon i've outed some meetings or whatever i uh drive up to my uh driveway i'm coming up to the end of the road to the mailbox where my driveway meets the road. And I see this great big clump laying there.

I'm like, wait, what's that? What is that? And as I get closer, I start to see it's like furry. I'm like, wait, wait a minute. Whoa, whoa, what is that? Somebody, is there a homeless guy and a fur coat laying at the end of my driveway? I pull up and it's a full grown dead dead. deer what the hell just just splayed out looked pretty fresh it wasn't decayed or anything it was

still like in good shape almost microwavable hello um and i was just kind of like stunned i'm like my first thought was do i have like neighbors that are wikins do i have like neighbors that are warlocks and modern day witches this is their sign get out of the neighborhood get out of the house uh oh lai oh lai did they have a black mass around my mailbox we will show him that he is not one of us he must leave the area the enchanted area of crystal rock you know i just picture them in black capes and hoods standing around holding can sandals, swaying back and forth, circled around a dead deer. Oh, la, umbalala, she must get rid of Williams.

Oh, la, la. Harlan Williams must leave the neighborhood. And I was like, no, that's probably not feasible. So then I call animal control. There's like an animal control number you can call, and I have to tell them, I go, hey, man, there's like a full-grown dead deer at the end of my driveway. Can y'all come pick it up, please? Right?

We're like, yes, sir, we'll be there first thing in the morning. And I'm like, wait a minute. This neighborhood, I've told you before, is swarming with coyotes and bobcats and raccoons. So now I'm just picturing as like a Disney movie. It's like all the animals sitting in the middle of the night while I'm sleeping. They're all, like, huddled around this giant deer, little lobster bibs around their necks. It looks like the Last Supper. They're all just, like, all sitting in a line in front of this deer.

Little animal knives and forks in their hands. Their bibs on. They're all just having a buffet. How about some venison, everybody? Oh, yeah. God. And here's the real kicker. Check this out, okay?

My neighbor, who lives a little further up from me, from the driveway, we share a driveway. I'm out on the driveway as the next day or a day later or something like that. And I said, hey, man, I sent you an email. There was a dead deer at the end of our driveway. And he goes, oh, yeah, another one. And I'm like, what? He goes, yeah, that's the second dead deer in about two weeks. I'm like, what the hell are you talking about?

He goes, yeah, they've been getting down on the hill below our houses. There's a wrought iron fence, and it's got these, like, decorative flare to looms or whatever. They look like spearheads on the top of each strand of the wrought iron fence. They're, like, kind of pointy. They're a deterrent to keep people from climbing over the fence. And what's happened, I guess, is these deer go to jump over the fence and they get caught up on these flare-de-looms or whatever they're called. You know that little insignia that you see on the New Orleans Patriots,

that little pointy, it's like a spear with two little curls on the side. I don't know what it's called. Flair to loom. What kind of weapon is that? Halt or I'll stab you with my flair to loom. Oh, ho, ho, Charles, oh, Nelson Riley. Anyways. So these poor deer, and I love animals, I love wildlife,

and what's crazy is I was away during these deer depths. I was on the road doing some comedy tours, and so I wasn't even aware that the first one happened and this guy just throws that at me and then all of a sudden there's a second one and then it gets better he goes yeah one of the neighbors called the news stations and I'm like what?

I'm like yeah one of the neighbors I guess one of the neighbors is an animal lover or something or they're angry about it or whatever I mean this whole thing is an accident right and so somebody called like CBS and NBC and apparently there's a couple of news crews trying to get on to our properties and I guess the guy that was here when it happened

he's like no no no no you're not coming out this is private property hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex that's what you want it to be better not worse trust me and Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discreet. discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And I guess one of the neighbors was trying to make a big deal out of it or something. I don't know. Here I am. I don't even know about it. So I call the wildlife guy and I say, what can we do? This is awful. I mean, this is horrible. Two dead deer? Are you kidding me? I mean, FYI, these fences have been up for

12 years and never been a problem. But all of a sudden, just as fate would have it, within two weeks after 12 years, two deer get tangled up. And by the way, this happens all over L.A. I know other people that have had this happen. I remember I used to do a sitcom with Gina Davis, and I remember her telling me, she had deer tangled up on her fence on her hill. It's a problem.

So the wildlife guy goes, look, I know you're not going to want to do this. you know, I get it. You know, nobody in L.A. would do this, but the best thing to do would be cut off the flare to looms, the little spears on top of your fence. And I said, done! And he's like, what? Wait, really?

What? Are you punking me? I said, done and done, man. He goes, no, no, really. And then he gets all, like, crazy. Like, he's like, oh, my God's, sir, what a kind-hearted man you are. nobody else would ever do this and I'm like I'm thinking what

who wouldn't want to do this to help the little deer I don't care about a stupid fence it's down on the hill I can't even see it you know if it's killing deer and so this guy's like super happy the wildlife guy from the city he can't believe that I'm willing to you know

smash up my fence to help the deer I'm like it's not that bad so then i go you know i'm a busy guy i'm running around and this this fence is in a very precarious spot it's like down on a on a vertical hill and it's it's it's surrounded by cactus and it's it's in a crazy spot that's why there's deer down there it's in like a wild zone no human dango in the wild zone i don't know what that was so uh so i talked to my gardener you know The guy who cuts my grass and trims the trees and blah, blah, blah. And I said to him, I said, hey, man, we got this problem.

Some deer have been killed. Would you mind? And I showed him a picture. I took a picture of the dead deer on my phone. And he was like, oh, man, that's bad. So I said, look, would you go down there and smash the Clair de Looms or whatever they're called? And he's like, Claire DeLumes, those are delicious. What the hell?

No, I don't know what they're called. The little spikes on the top of my fans. And he's like, absolutely. And I go, great, I can do it in two weeks. Two weeks. We could lose that. We lost two deer in two weeks. We can lose another two.

So you know what I did? I went down there with a sledgehammer. I crawled down this cliff and smashed like, I don't know how many. I bet there was like 80 or 90 Clare Delooms. And this is like a wrought iron fence. So I'm just swinging this sluging this. ledge hammer, whamming these things, took a little while to do, smashed my fingers up a few times, believe me, it hurt, but the good news is those pointy spikes are gone and hopefully there's

no more dead deer, which is kind of sad because that stew I made was to let, no, no, no, no. The city came and took the deer, and maybe the city workers, I don't know if they're allowed to eat the deer or what i don't think they would you imagine you're in the middle of los angeles you got a deer on your roof and you're passing arby's wendy's burger king mcdonalds in and out burger chick fillet ducky fried chicken no thanks i got my own killed a deer here and killed myself a los angeles buck so there you go poor little deer RIP, hopefully there's no more. We have fixed the problem, and hopefully we see no more deer laying at the end of my driveway.

Mafioso style. Yeah, it's always startling when you find something dead. Nobody wants anything dead, do they? well guess what yeah maybe maybe just maybe and this is going to sound mean but there might be one person i might want dead oh and i have to visit with them today you know i got it the powers that be my boss mr featherstone thinks i'm a liability i'm a loose cannon i can say something incriminating or something uh you know volatile or whatever And all of a sudden, we're in trouble here at the podcast.

So my boss insists that I have these on-air therapy sessions with this Dr. Ascock guys. I'm kind of certified psychologist or what I don't know what he is. He's a nutbag. I'd like to find him down dead at the end of my driveway. Creep. Anyway, let me get it over with. I got to do this, folks. I'm very sorry.

my on-air therapy session with Dr. Ascot. Let's get it out of the way. God. Hello, Arland. Hello, Dr. Ascott. Alland. What? Holland.

What? Stop saying my name. Holland. What are we doing today, Guy? Holland, today I want to talk to you about your energy levels, Arland. What about my energy levels? How are they, Arland? I like to check it on you from time to time. I don't know. I guess maybe lately I've been procrastinating a little bit. Oh, and...

Well, I'm just being honest. Explain, Holland. How have you been procrastinating? and have you been doing it in the closet? What? Where have you been procrastinating, Alland? What are you thinking about? Holland. Procrastinating!

I've been... What are you got? What did you mean? Holland. No, that was... What? I'm procrastinating in the closet? Holland. Oh, God.

What I mean... Oh, focus, Holland. Well, you don't make it easy. And what's with the butterscotch socks? Holland, the plaid. What? Light brown, criss-cross socks? Holland.

What I mean is I've been putting things off. Okay, I've got a million things to do, and I feel like lately I've been dragging my butt and just putting things off. I've been kind of putting a pin in it. type of thing. What does that mean, Holland? Well, it's like, you know, it's like,

hey, let's work on these documents. And then I'm like, well, why don't we put a pin in it and we'll do it later? I've never heard that saying, Holland. Fascinating. Yeah, I, well, it's not healthy. It sounds like you have to stop saying, put a pin in it, Holland.

Well, yeah, I'd probably get a lot more done. Well, I'm here to help you, Arland. Okay, I guess that would be good. About time, you did something. Holland. Okay, how are you going to help me stop procrastinating, Ascot? Holland, what I want you to do is say, I'll put a pin in it.

How do you mean? Do it in context of a work. task, Holland. I'll pretend to ask you to do something, and you say, let's put, I know, let's put a pin in it. Exactly, Holland. All right, let's see what you got, Ascot. All right, Arland. Excuse me, Arland. Would you mind putting these documents away in the filing cabinet for me? Um, you know what, why don't we, let's put a pin. pin in it oh the hell is that i just stuck a pin in your leg alland i can see there's a pin in my leg what the are you insane allan you told me to put a pin in it that's not what i meant and you know it

are you it let me take this out ow like the dirty pin i can get hepatitis What is wrong with you, man? Why don't we just... Can we do this another day? I'm done. I'll tell you what, Holland. What? Why don't we just put a pin in it, Holland? Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Right my chest!

That's right near my nipple! What's the matter with you? I'm just trying to help you stop saying, let's put a pin in it, Alland. Ow! Are you nuts? A pin right in my forehead. I can't even pull this out. Ow! Ow! I'm getting out of here. Usually I send you out. I'm getting out of here.

Why don't you stay and I'll just put a pin in it, Alland. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! What a... Ow! That's seven pins! Are you kidding me? Get out of here, Ascot! I'd like to put a pin in that, thought, Alland. Get the hell out of here! I've got my own saying, Holland. Oh yeah, and what's that? Why don't we put a railroad spike in it?

What are you doing? What are you doing? Ow! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, that's my foot. Ow! Ow! Get out! On second thought, why don't I put a pencil in your eye, Harland? Mommy?

Yes, Billy. Where did cheesecakes come from? Well, they come from the cheesecake factory, Billy. Oh, okay. Thanks, Mommy. You're welcome, Billy. Now go stand in the corner With a coffee table on your head

You little brat Everyone's been to the cheesecake factory Here's what I have trouble with over there, man Is there menu about the size of the Bible? I mean, holy God, They have food from every corner of the planet I think I ordered some Vietnamese porcupine the other night They just got everything

I have trouble deciding Let's see uh roast beef okay i like that a spaghetti and meatballs that's good oh prime rib is really nice a t-bone steak okay that looks good lobster tails and what wait a minute these are just the appetizers what the and that's the first six pages i get so i have an anxiety attack i'm like can you just bring me some anti-depressants or something? You got any Prozac on the menu? And then they bring you the food.

And, I mean, you know, in life we're always worried about never getting enough. Go to the cheesecake factory man, and they drop down like the back of a UFO. And there's enough food on there to feed a platoon? I'm all mixed up. My brain's still fried from the menu. Mommy, where the brain tumors come from? Giant menus, Billy. Now go stand in the corner with a cheesecake on your head, you little brat.

Hyland Williams. Now I'm hungry. Yeah. Good Lord. Too much food. That's what I say. And maybe too much show. Maybe too much podcast.

Because look at this. I hate to do it. We are at the end of the show. Boo-hoo. I'm going to go cry in my cheesecake. But let's give you some announcements before we go. At least I can do that. Don't forget, I will be at the Improv Comedy Club in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

April 27th, 28, 29. Still a ways off, but giving you a heads up. Um, don't forget you can write to me at the harlandhighway.com, harlandhighway.com or, sorry, harlandwiliams.com. Go to my website and you can log on and write me emails. Or you can call 323-739, 4330. Love to hear from you, you nut jobs. And you can pick us up on Stitcher Radio, an app for your phone. where you can pick that up for free, download that app,

and you can have the Harland Highway on your cellular device. And that's it, man. That's all the show we have today. Thank you for tuning in. Please tell your friends about the Harland Highway and check out our store at Harlan Williams.com. Lots of fun merchandise for you to get your little paws on. And we've done.

done, we gone, that's it. So until next time, pavement pounders, chicken, chowmaine, baby.