The Harland Highway - 383: LIFE COACH Dr. DEBBIE THYMER, OBNOXIOUS NOISES

Episode Date: March 26, 2012

Obnoxious noises, Life coach Dr. Debbie Thymer, lucky driving scenarios, geography names, water pipes and electric cords. Flash a boom bang - a!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Though I've crossed 100,000 miles, I'm feeling very podcasty. Yeah, I am feeling very podcasty. I hope you are, because, you know, we're both sitting in this tin can listening. And I think my podcast knows which way to go. Tell my wife I love her very much. She knows. Huh? Hey, welcome, everybody.

Harla Williams here. You are on the Harlan Highway. What a show we have today. Dr. Devy Timer, Life Coach, is back. A podcast favorite. She's here, you know, helping us get through the rigor rolls of life, if that's even a word, rigor rolls. Would you pass the rigor rolls, please, and the butter? So she'll be here later in the show. We're going to be talking about things around the house, your pipes, the pipes and your walls. in your ceilings, your electrical cords, all of them a nuisance. Are you a lucky driver? Do you get lucky brakes when you drive? I hope so. And what about obnoxious noises?

You ever have someone making obnoxious noise at you? And even more obnoxious names. Do you have an obnoxious name? But we're going to find out, we're going to do some name calling. Right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Relax. Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate.

One cheeseburger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. This is Harland Williams. I'm a human being. God damn it. Hong Kong, tutu, beep, beep, beat, you are rolling down the Harland Highway with me. Your little buddy in the backseat, Harland Williams here.

And are you stuck in traffic? Are you sitting in traffic right now? Or are you on the lucky side of the highway? You know what I mean. You're going down the highway, cruising along, you're just booting it. You're probably up in the 60, 75 mile an hour zone. and on the other side of the highway you know the traffic going the other way

somewhere something went wrong there was an accident or there was a jumper or a big rig flipped over and everyone on the other side is just sitting still for miles and miles and miles it's like FEMA told everyone to evacuate but all it is is some dumbass had a little fender bender and a block

on the whole highway. But you don't care. You're going down the other side, aren't you? Ha, ha! You're flying. You're looking at all those losers stuck in the other side. Ah, ha, ha, ha, suckers.

I'm going to be home eating hot chicken noodle soup in about five minutes. And you'll be lucky if you get home by the end of the week there on the other side of the highway. But you know what you're doing. You're looking out the window to laugh. And you almost want to give them the finger they look so pathetic.

Yeah, you're getting a little cruel inside, but you're digging it. You're feeling superior to the people sitting in the other side, sucking down exhaust fumes. And then it happens. Oh, sweet justice. As you're there, clodding over your good fortune about how easily you're rolling down the highway. and you're so busy watching the losers on the other side where you bump into the fender the person in front of you that's also gawking over there

and self-absorbed in their fast movement and now you're going to be late because you're all crunched up and you're going to cause the other side to get backed up Oh, got to love that that guy from the Simpsons, right? whenever you make a misstep, whenever Bart puts his foot in his mouth or falls down or steps in a pile of dog duty, there's that guy, I think his name's Nelson.

He just got that mocking laugh, says it all, man. It's just so vile. It just cuts right through you, right? It's just a stupid little laugh, but somehow it just says it all. It's all rolled away. You're a loser. You're an idiot. You're a failure.

You screwed up. And everyone's laughing at you. And it's all represented by this. Did you have one of those when you were a kid? Did you have that go-to little button you can press, that mocking laugh or gesture that told the whole world that, that, you know, the person you pointed it at was a loser? I think we all did.

I don't even know if I remember one of mine. But I do remember my cousin, man. One of my cousins, I got a whole bunch of cousins. And my cousin Christopher, who's probably one of the funniest guys I've known in my whole life. He's like a year younger than me. And we grew up together. We're like brothers, right? And Christopher had this little thing, this little ha ha, thing that he did that was so just accomplished the same thing.

And this is what he would do. He'd walk up to people. Like if he saw you make a misstep, which you didn't want to do around Christopher, because this guy, killer wit, killer funny, fast on his feet. He just had a knack for putting you in your place, man. But if he caught you, making a misstep, he would walk right up to you, stand there, look at you, and then what do you do is he'd get his thumb and his finger, and he'd pinch his nose. All right, he'd pinch his nose, and he would do this.

He would go, uh, that's what he'd do. It's how obnoxious is that? So with one hand, he'd do that, and with the other hand, he'd point at you. Just so everyone knew that that ridiculous, offensive noise was being directed at you. So let's say you stubbed your toe or smashed your head on a board or, you know, something blew up in your face. And just to make sure that everyone knew it and that you knew it, he'd walk right up to you and go, oh god i hated it i he never really did it to me but man i was there when he did and it would just devastate people especially if you're a kid right it's like kids aren't good with handling

being mocked and ridiculed and it's it's one thing someone says oh you're an idiot what a loser what a goofball you know at least you that's in your realm of uh comprehension you can at least process or process the uh you know the words words from the english language like loser a doorknob and dip shit you know but how on earth do you process a guy running up to you pointing and going ugh like like a rattlesnake or something and i got to tell you i've tried to get that into movies you know me with my movies i always try to uh i always try to um you know improvise my own little things and stick my own little uh things in there and uh as a tribute to my cousin chris i just one of these days i'm going to get that in a movie and that thing's going to like become the thing to do

and kids all over america will be going uh let's hope not Oh, that would be awful, man. It's just awful. You don't want to get to your face. You just don't. I mean, try it. If you want to try it, try it. I mean, go look in the mirror.

And what you do is you start the noise. You grab your nose, plug your nose, and kind of simultaneously point to yourself in the mirror with your other hand. Just point to yourself, like, accusingly, confrontationally. Just stand in the mirror and start the both of those. Go to the nose and then start pointing and just go, Oh, God.

It's awful. Even doing it to yourself. Doesn't it just sound awful? Ugh. So there you go, man. That's the one I remember from my childhood. And let's hope, if you ever want to know what my cousin is, you know, if you ever hear the nasal rattlesnake, you know, take cover,

because that's my cousin Christopher coming down the track. And I'll leave it there, man. I've got to go get a Kleenex after all that. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. You doing something this weekend? Hmm? You're going out of town? You're going to Paris?

What's with Paris? Hmm? What's with Paris Hilton? Is what I'm talking about. Since when do we get to name our children after cities? I mean, when did that start? When was the name of a city? Your God-given birth name?

Hey, what's your name, man? Oh, my name's Dave. What's your name? I'm Moscow. What? Yeah, this is my brother, uh, Baker's Field, and, uh, this is my sister, Pittsburgh. Oh, yeah, what's your last name? Pennsylvania.

Your sister's name is Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Yeah. Yeah, well, I've been in your sister, dude. What's that supposed to mean? I've been in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, man. What were you doing there? Uh, what wasn't I doing there? I was eating.

I was dry. I went to a show I saw a movie in Pittsburgh PA Hey, don't call her PA dude That's impolite Oh excuse me What's her middle name?

97213 Wait a minute, that's a zip code Yeah, that's Pittsburgh PA zip code Stop naming your kids after geography Unless of course they're really, really fat And then you got no choice Hey there, Portugal butt. All right, I got a jet.

I'm off to Paris here on the Harlan Highway. Hi, I'm Dr. Debbie Timer, and I'm your life coach. I am my baby's mother's sister's daughter, and it's time to get you. get a life, your life. Hi, I'm Dr. Debbie Timer. And welcome to the show. Today we'll be taking your calls from all over the country and finding out what's on your mind and what's making you tick.

So let's go to our first caller. This will be Barbara Bryn Walters from Looks Like North Carolina. Go ahead, Barbara. You're on the air with Dr. Debbie Timber. Oh, hi, Dr. Debbie. How are you today? I'm good, child. How are you?

I'm most excellent. Okay. Sounds good. What can we do for you today? Well, maybe I'm not most excellent. I'm feeling a little anxiety. Okay, that's common. We live in troubled times.

We live in stress. full times and many people feel a little anxiety child well it's not just a little anxiety maybe i'm feeling a lot of anxiety dr debby timer okay why don't you elaborate for me in my audience well i'm watching the news a lot dr debby okay um let's stop the giggling first of all that's not helping. Maybe it's just a nervous giggle because of all the anxiety I'm feeling. He-he-he-he-he. I said, stop the giggling. Okay, sorry. Now, what is it, my child, that you're feeling anxiety about? Well, I've been watching the news, Dr. Debbie, and always talk about I ran getting a nuclear bomb

and a nuclear war happening. It's really troubling and I'm having trouble sleeping at night, thinking about it. And why should that trouble you, my child? It's far overseas. I'm not afraid if there's a nuclear bomb, that bomb-bomb-bomb drop, and bomb-bomb-go-boom-boom-boom. I'm sorry? Bomb-bomb-go-boom, Dr. Debbie?

Okay. What does that mean? Bomb-bomb-go- boom-boom. Well, wait, you know what if bomb drops? Yes. And the noise it makes? Yes. It goes boom!

Well, in the cartoons. Well, anyways, if a bunch of bomb drops, they go boom, boom. Okay, you know... Bomb-bom go boom-boom-boom, Dr. Debbie timer. Okay, let's stay in the real world and use adult words. Bomb-bomb go boom-boom, boom, Dr. Debbie. Stop the goddamn laughing. Just fucking stop it, you idiot.

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Code Harlan. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I understand your anxiety about Iran, okay? As the political temperature ratchets up over there, and Iran wiggles their finger at the world and intimidates the world with their rhetoric and their political banter and their nuclear agenda that nobody wants, what is it? Nuclear agenda means, Dr. Debbie? Nuclear agenda means that they have a commitment to creating a nuclear weapon. Oh, that's what I'm talking about. Nuclear bomb bomb go nuclear boom boom, Dr. Debbie.

Okay, I need you to stop with the bomb-bomb-boom thing. But Dr. Debbie, if bomb bomb falls down on ground ground, boom-boom go back, the boom-boom and everyone go bye-bye. Why are you saying everything twice, you fucking idiot? I work at a king goes, Dr. Debbie. What does that have to do? do with anything. Well, Kink us is a copy place, and we make

copies. And? Well, I'm so used to doing everything twice. I say boom, boom, go bomb bomb. When bum bomb had grown gone. Ah! Ha ha ha! Hey! Stop the fucking laughing.

You fucking tarred. What's a taunt, Dr. Debbie? It's short for retard. Now knock it the fuck off, child. Wow. I don't know if this is with my anxiety.

Well, I'll tell you what, you're getting my anxiety up by talking like a retarded Down syndrome baby. Oh, my God. Now, let's stick to the point. Is there anything else, my child, that's causing you anxiety? Well, there is my... Well, it's kind of embarrassing. Spit it out.

My husband likes me to do strange things in the bedroom. Okay, are we talking sexual acts? Yes, Dr. Debbie. He wants me to, and I don't know how to say this. Yes. He wants me to pleasure him. Okay, that's what people do in the bedroom, my child. He wants me to go down, down, on his mushroom mushroom, cap, cap.

Okay, are we going to go with the double talk again? Sorry, Dr. Debbie, I work at a coffee shop. I thought you said you worked at a copy shop. Yes, that's what I meant to say, but we do have a coffee machine there. So I guess it's a coffee shop. It's a copy shop with a coffee machine. Okay. How old are you?

I'm 39, Dr. Debbie. Stop the giggling. And I'm loving life, but I need this anxiety to go away. Well, how about this, my child? Yes. How about I make you go away because you're causing me anxiety and you sound about as smart as a dead fucking skunk bubbling on the side of the road on a hot summer day, you dip shit. Oh, I don't like that. I don't like that. You run's hurt, hurt, and cut, cut, deep, deep. Okay, hang up on this mentoid.

No, I have more to say. Hang up on this illegitimate bastard. Daddy, that's fine. Stop the goddamn... Hang up on her. Hang up on this idiot. Hang up. Wait, boopoom go bye-bye, dog, doc. Shut up!

Idiot! Okay. Can we screen our calls? Because that dip shit is giving me a migraine. Okay. We're going to be back. We'll take more of your calls.

And thank God. And we'll be back. I'm Dr. Debbie Timer, your sister's daughter's lovers, god's sister. I'm Dr. Debbie Timer, life coach. And we'll be back. Seriously? Boom, boom. Go bang.

What the... Oh, no. Don't let her call back. Hang up. If you'd like to make a call... Thank you. Hang up. Wow.

Intense, man. Dr. Debbie, a little riled up there today. Yikes. Just an innocent, sound like a wonderful young lady calling in looking for a little, boy, take a chill pill, Dr. Debbie. Man. Anyways, let me ask you a question. Have you done plumbing in your house? How old is your house? Check it out. My house. I don't know how long my house has been in existence. I think it's been up for like 40, 50 years or something like that, maybe longer. And there's this old battle going on behind the walls and in the ceilings of your home between galvanized piping and copper piping. And galvanized is the old school piping where it's just like metal piping that went through

you know, the whole fabric of your house. All your faucets and your dishwasher, your washing, everything was hooked up to galvanized pipes. These silver metal called galvanized pipes. And what they discovered is that galvanized pipes had a short shelf life. And I don't mean like eggs where they're only good for four weeks, But in the world of eroding metals, you know, these things over the years, over the decades, start to deteriorate. So we're talking after 20 to 40 years, these galvanized pipes start to show their age. They start to get calcified and they start to rust.

They start to buckle under the stress of the water pressure and they start to drip and, you start to drip. yada yada yada and sure enough you know i had some leakage starting to show up in my ceiling and uh water was dripping and then that causes the paint to buckle and blah blah blah and then you have to rip the drywall open open up your ceiling and so i've been going through that madness and uh you know my guy who's a great guy uh showed me where the leaking was you could see the water dripping and you can see the rust and the calcium build up. And so blah, blah, blah, we had to strip out a bunch of this old galvanized piping. And eventually you'll have to do it, too.

It's just the way it is. It's the way the chemical makeup of the material just breaks down. It's like picture a healthy young teenager turning into a senior citizen and starting to fall apart. That's what these pipes do. So what they do is they put copper piping in, which is more resilient and I guess has a much longer shelf life and doesn't rust and corrode and all that stuff. But it's expensive. And where I'm going with this is what freaked me out is when they pulled the piping out, okay, the guy showed it to me. And, you know, you're talking about pipes that have, you know, the circumstances.

of maybe a nickel or a quarter even, okay? That's what they are in diameter, the roundness of the pipe. And I'll be darned if I looked inside that, you know, number of these pipes and the build-up of rust and calcium and minerals and whatever builds up in these pipes was almost horrifying, man. like there were somewhere it was just a little bump and then there were other ones where it's like

I could barely even see down the pipe the clumps of gunk that it's solidified and I'm not talking like solidified like you could poke it out with a stick I'm talking this stuff and solidified to the point where it actually like you know clumped into metal

or giant chunks of iron ore or something and I'm sitting there going, good Lord, look at all this rusty gunk and crap. And there was one pipe I couldn't see through it all barely. It was just like somehow was full of like sediment and little particles of sand and silt and even little chunks of gravel. And I'm like, what the hell?

This is city water, man. And it started me thinking, I mean, I never drink tap water for starters. I haven't drank tap water in, you know, 50 years and I'm only 19. Hello. But it just made me think, what the hell that the water that I'm showering in, that I'm cooking with, that I, you know, drink occasionally if I have to. It's coursing, it's washing over all this rust and all this sediment and all this dirt and all these particles. It's just like, ugh, not healthy, man.

So visually it didn't look good. and you know it kind of stunk and it's just amazing to see how a piece of metal could grow all that stuff and then obviously I started thinking about my heart and my heart valves and the arteries and the veins going into the heart and I started thinking oh god this is kind of similar to what they tell you happens with your heart with your heart It gets clogged up with calcium and plaque. And it was weird. It's like I started drawing the comparison to hopefully not my heart, but just do A heart.

I was like, oh, God. This is what it looks like when you get in there and you got it. You don't have a good, healthy heart. And so what I did is, well, I had my guy there. Well, I had my contractor and his team there. I had them lay me down on the dining room table, cut me open with their jigsaw, and reconfigure my heart with copper piping. It was amazing.

So I'm totally good to go for another 300 years, man. They took out all the galvanized arteries and 10,000. and veins pumping into my heart and full-on copper. Full-on copper fittings, pipings, elbow joints, everything. I'm good to go. I'm about, I think I'm about 12 pounds heavier.

And going through airport security has not been easy, but man, I can do the Stairmaster for 12 years straight. I can, you know, give me a bucket of butter in one hand and some chicken grease and the other and let me drink. Daddy wants to drink. My heart is unstoppable. Forget it.

I'm joining the Kenyan Long Distance Olympic running team this summer. I'm starting to train. I can just go and go and go. And I can drink hot water and cold water and do laundry inside my system now because I've got the right plumbing for it. So there you go. I don't know if you've had this battle yet with your house

and the galvanized and copper piping, but you will. It's coming. And, you know, I recommend you get your own internal system done while they're doing it. It saves a lot of money to just do everything at once. So good luck. Happy showering. And enjoy your new.

fish tank. Okay, okay, okay. You know what? I've had it. I've had it with electrical cords. Oh my God, I got so many electrical cords under my desk. It literally looks like somebody spilled a plate of spaghetti on the floor. They are coiled this way and that way. I feel like I just kicked open a snake den. It is crazy. They are more tangled up than a bunch of perverts that are creepy orgy. Then you go to unplug them and sort through them. Oh my, forget it, man.

You'd have better luck doing a Rubik's cube with a blindfold on. It's like untangling fishing line, man. Come on. When are we going to be done with the electrical cord, huh? Hello, Wi-Fi. Hawaii 50, Wi-Fi. I wish there were like cord police. No more cords

If you get caught with cords You're going to jail Book them, Dano Get rid of the cords already I don't want anymore I don't want to plug in one more thing There I said it I'm unplugging the cord right now

I'm so over cords I'm unplugging it Here on the Harland Huff Lucky we were at the end of the show For that to happen Wow Good timing Good timing right there.

Synchronicity, man. Synchronicity, man. Hey, thanks for being here. Sorry, the show's over, but it's over. What do you want me to do? We can't talk forever. We're not a copper pipe. We can't just go on and on for eternity.

But I hope you had a great time. Let's go through some announcements. Don't forget, you can call me at 323-7-39, 433.30. You can write to me at harlindwilliams.com. And you can get us on Stitcher Radio for free if you download the app for your cell phone and program in the Harland Highway. Don't forget to visit our store at Harlowilliams.com and all that groovy stuff.

Stand-up comedy coming up, April, April 27th, 28th, 29th at the pitiful. Pittsburgh Improv. Yeah, baby, yeah. And the reason I've been a little light on the stand-up dates lately is that, as you know or don't know, I'm shooting a new movie right now. And I've been doing that. That's like just over a month.

I'm working on this new movie. Michael Rosenbaum, Nick Swartson, a really, really fun, cool comedy project. More like a dromedy. I'll fill you in more about it when we get done. But having a blast and keeping the highway moving along and hope you're enjoying it. Please tell your friends, get your friends to join the highway.

I'm making you the ambassador. I'm making you the ambassadors of the Harlan Highway. And it's up to you to walk up to your friends and go, hey, man, you've got to listen to this thing. You've got to subscribe. You've got to get on board with the highway. You're missing out, man. Man. You're missing out. You're a loser. You're not on the Harlan Highway.

Yeah, give them one of those. Humiliate them. Make them feel like they're a loser for not being a pavement pounder. That's your job. All right? So there you go. That's all we got for today. Until next time, chicken chalmain, baby.