The Harland Highway - 385: ROMANTIC LETTERS by SAMUEL E. QUOK, MICHAEL JACKSON VISIT

Episode Date: April 2, 2012

Ankle socks for men, romantic letters as read by Samuel E. Quok, food supply, knowing yourself, and Jacko drops in for a visit. Termite twittle teets!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ring jingling, ring jingling, podcast will sing. Oh, no, it won't sing. How could a podcast sing? And who would want a podcast to sing? Gross. I don't know if it's gross, but what else can I say? Welcome, everybody, to the Harlan Highway, which can be gross sometimes. But you love it, I love it.

We all love it. Here we go. Another wonderful show. Put your slippers on and let's do it. We're going to be talking about how well you know yourself today. We're going to get a little introspective today. How well do you know you? How do you perceive yourself?

How do others perceive yourself? And by the way, speaking of self, I hope you don't wear ankle socks if you're a man. Because I hate them and we're going to talk about your ankle socks. how about the food supply what do you keep how much food do you have on hand at your humble abode it can get sketchy when you're a bachelor and then how about romance do you have romance in your life we have samuel e quowk coming by today to read some of his romantic letters very poetic very flowery very wonderful and then a surprise visitor today i'm not happy about right here on the Harland Highway

Welcome to the Harland Highway Relax, get ready to have fun Wow, what we've got here is failure to communicate One Keith Burger with everything coming up You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway Look at me, Damien, it's all for you

This is Harland Williams I'm a human bee. God damn it. Harlan Williams here. Man about town. This is something for you, man, that you got to know ain't cool. And I'm sorry.

I don't care who you are. I don't care if you're a big tough guy or you're an athlete. I don't care. Because I'm going to say this, and I'm going to say it loud and clear. Men should not be wearing those little ankle socks. Okay? if you're a real man

you don't wear little ankle socks I know you're a tennis player just going casual don't wear the ankle socks dudes the little you know the little ones the girls have them but they got little pom-poms on the right at the back

by your Achilles tendon oh god nothing takes away your manhood quicker than putting on those little ankle socks those ankle socks the minute you slip them on the minute you think of even buying any. You should be jumping around in daisies, churning butter.

Go to the nearest animal shelter and ask them if you can comb all the stray kittens. And do not ride a motorcycle, man. Guys on motorcycles are cool. Helmet, no helmet, bandana, leather jacket, ripped t-shirt, jeans, cool motorcycle boots. Don't be one of those guys wearing the tennis shoes. You're on the cool motorcycle. and I see you put your feet up on the little stirrups and you got ankle socks

Oh man I hope a bike gang pulls up beside you man Lose the ankle socks How can a sensitive artist like you live With such an insensitive bull like that Go get a pedicure No I really don't want him in here Roger I know he reads these romantic letters

I don't want them in here they're always bizarre and weird all right let them in ladies and gentlemen Samuel E. Quowke reading his air quotes romantic letters thank you thank you very much thank you for having me yeah I know you're going to read some of your fancy romantic letters you're some kind of fancy

wordsmith aren't you quowke that's Samuel E. Quirk thank you very much. Okay, what do you got for us today? Do you mind if I just get late into it, thank you. Yes, get into it and get it over with. Do you mind? I said, go ahead.

I know to sarcasm in your voice. I'm telling you, look, go ahead. Read your romantic letter. Thank you very much. Dear Janice, I'll never forget how we sat by the edge of the lake on that warm summer day. May flies darting around in the air. A gentle breeze tossing your curls and light glimmer of sunlight twinkling in your eyes.

I remember we scanned the beach for flat round stones and merrily skipped them across the water. I'll never forget as one of them took five or six. six hops across the glass-like surface of the leg, struck a birch tree, bounced back and hit you in the middle of the forehead. You screamed so loudly all the loons on the lake took to flight, blood trickling down your face as if someone had smashed open an old keg full of red wine. I ran to your aid, I tried to put a bit of pressure on your forehead to stop the blood. from pumping.

Finally we seemed to get it under control and it jelled and coagulated in your eyelids. Your eyelids unable to close. Your eyes stretched open. Suddenly no moisture watering your eyes. Your eyes started to bake in the sun. I could hear them sizzle as the dragonflies

played on the lily pads. You started to scream as your eyeballs cooked in your face. bulging out of your head. All right. Excuse me. What the hell is this guy? I'm reading a romantic letter.

Thank you very much. Her eyes were held open with coagulated blood. That's what I read. Thank you. And they're sizzling in the sunlight. You skipped a rock into her face? Thank you very much. May I finish, please?

Oh, please do. Go ahead. Do you mind the sarcasm, please? Just finish! Thank you. I remember as your eyes finally dried, I pulled out the fishing poles and we cast a line deep out into the lake. Accidentally, the line twangling up in your frothy little skirt, your flowing white gown. somehow the fishing line twingled and twangled into your fabric and we weren't able to cut it loose as the paddle wheel boat

rounded the corner slowly at the point closer and closer it chugged its magnificent paddle wheel swirling around churning up the water we can see the barber from the fishing line floating ever so closer suddenly it took the barber and the line was caught in the paddle wheel you were sucked off the beach

pulled across the water and dragged into the paddle wheel flapping around in circles struggling to catch a breath underwater and then smashed around in a circle and dunked back underwater around and around in repetition on the paddle wheel your skin black and blue all right

What in the name of God, guy? I am reading a romantic letter, do you mind? She's twirling around in a God-versiguan paddle wheel. We were fishing. You're fishing and you caught a paddle-wheel boat. I did not catch it. She did. Do you mind, sir?

Go ahead. Hurry up, you psycho. Thank you. I'll remember as we finally pried you loose from the paddle wheel your bones snapped your legs and arms dangling like rag dolls we laid you by the side of the boat and just as you were revived a giant carp jumped up and sucked your hands off your arms grabbing them in its gummy mouth and pulling your hands off your arms

stumps hanging with bones and blood dripping into the the world. Enough! What in the name of hell, guy? My name is Samuel E. Qualk and I'm reading romantic letters. Do you my... Yes, I mind. Enough.

I'm not going to do any more. Get the hell out of here. Your hair was damp like seaweed. The bullfrogs and toads leaping from the lake and copulating in your hair. Get out of here! having sexual intercourse all over your damp seaweed out laying frog eggs all over your face and on your scalp that was lacerated and bleak get out oh romance it's the food of the soul isn't it oh just lovely what a freak god never again roger

Guys should be in an institution, man. And speaking of food for the soul, you ever have one of these where you wake up in the morning, right? You know, it's early, it's seven, it's eight, it's nine o'clock, and let's say you've got a meeting like an hour later, okay? So you're in the house, and it's morning and you got, geez, I got a four-hour meeting coming up. I got, uh, I got, uh, an hour on my hands. It's going to take me a half hour to drive there. So that gives me a half hour to piddle around in my house or my apartment or wherever you live, your igloo under your bridge, wherever you're at. And you're like, I need some energy. I need some sustenance, you know, before I, uh, before I go to this

meeting and sit down, I got to have something in me. You know, I just woke up. I'm not going to able to eat to lunchtime and so you go you know what i'll i'll just have something here in my house and if you're like me not a great uh grocery buying guy you open your fridge and you're like uh there's a pack of hot dogs um three cans of beer and some old spaghetti sauce um uh and then you look in your closet or your cupboard or whatever it is Maybe you mix your food with your closet stuff, I don't know. And there's a can of Campbell's soup and a can of green giant corn and a powdered bag of meatloaf powder

and maybe an old box of spaghetti. And you're like, good Lord, it's 8 in the morning. I got nothing to eat. I got to have something in my stomach. I got to have something. I need fuel for the engine, man. And you kind of start to improvise. You're like, well, there's an old piece of leftover bread from the restaurant the other night.

It's stale and crunchy and it's dry. And you're like, well, I'll wash it down. Then you go, wait a minute, I don't have anything to drink. You got those three beers. You're not going to have three beers in the morning. You're all out of bottled water, and you're like, I'm not drinking. of water out of the tap. I don't drink tap water. You know, there's alligators in the sewers. I don't want

to alligator bacteria in my body for this meeting. Right? You got like a bottle of ketchup and some vinegar. Yeah, I think I'll douche my mouth out here. ketchup and vinegar. Ah! It's horrible, and you imprint. and you eat you eat stupid things that you'd never normally eat uh let's see uh this old piece of

brand maybe some uh green giant corn and uh i'll cover the corn in uh spaghetti sauce at least i'll have something in me isn't it disgusting and what sucks is you're out the night before and you drive past the 7-11 and you know you know it's going to happen you and you know what I should just pull in there and grab some vital waters and some orange juice. And, you know, get going up and make sure there's a donut or a crumpet or something. And you're like, I'll be okay. And you go by and, you know, after you've gone by, you're like, maybe I should have, you know, really.

Maybe I'm, no, no, I'm tired. I got to get home. I got a meeting tomorrow. I don't have time to stop at 7-Eleven for three minutes. pick up stuff and then you wake up you wake up that next morning and like oh oh why didn't i stop at 7-11 oh oh i need a chocolate bar and a bag of chips oh i just woke up i need a chocolate milk and a coke and a bag of cheese puffs why didn't i stop so there you go Just a little tip from me to you.

Keep your pantry stocked. Or you're going to be improvising and eating like you just survived a nuclear bomb going off and you're scrambling around. Oh, my God, food. Look at that. What's that an old loaf of bread? Peel open that can of beet. Anything.

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Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. So keep it stocked and make it on time to that meeting, will you? Whoops. Hi,

and welcome to getting to know you. why not greet yourself more often so often in the streets we're so eager to greet others but we're so lowly deep inside because we never greet ourselves why don't we just take a moment now and say hello to ourselves Hi How are you? I am fine Hello

How are you I'm fine, thank you Hi Hello Hi And for those of you that live on a race Howdy Howdy do

And for those of you That may live in merry old England Cheerio Chip Chip Hi How are you chip chip chip Cheerio howdy Okay enough I can't do this anymore

I'm not doing it now my producer roger wants me to do this introspective soul-searching b-ass that's not what my show's about i don't care roger i'm not doing any more of that stuff what my ass out the door i'll be what hi i'm just getting to know my self Here on the Harleft Highway. You ass, I can't believe you're making me do... What?

Hi, you ass. It's an interesting question, though, isn't it? Right? How well do you really know yourself? I mean, you probably walk around and have a perception of you, right? You walk around, go, I'm Harlan Williams, and this is what I do every day, and, you know, this is, these are my habits and my hobbies, and this is how I interact with people, and blah, blah, blah, and you might be comfortable in your own skin. You might have a good concept of who you are. But have you really, really thought about who you are?

Do you even want to go there? do you want to think about it i mean there's two levels here who are you the way other people see you see there's no way you can know that but if you think about it it freaks out a little bit right like take yourself and look at your mom or your dad or look at your brother or sister look at your best friend or your girlfriend and boyfriend and you have a perception of who they are and what they are and how they think and how they feel and their thoughts and their beliefs and you have an overall perception about them

and their aura and their energy and all that stuff and what's weird about being ourselves meaning me or being or meaning you is there's no way you can really know what you look like isn't that weird imagine what I'm saying is imagine sitting on a park bench and watching yourself walk by or imagine being at a party a social mixer and all of a sudden you walk into the group and start talking and conversing and being Harland or being whoever you are how would you see yourself as yourself what would you think even knowing all you know about yourself as you are what if you saw stuff you didn't like what if you were watching yourself and oh that guy's kind of pompous or oh that girl's kind of self-absorbed or oh that that guy

thinks he's funnier than he is or ooh that guy's loud that guy's obnoxious that guy's kind of too quiet i don't like the way that guy dresses his face doesn't match his wardrobe his style doesn't match his persona right all these things we can't know we think we know right we think we know who we are we think we know what works for us we think we have a handle on what we're all about but there's no way we can really know that's what's weird about being us we might be doing stuff that we think is so cool or so right or so and again there's no rules in society and humanity you know We just are what we are, but I wonder if you could look at yourself if you'd change stuff. If you go, ooh, whoa, wait a minute.

Ouch, Harland. Not digging the sideburns, dude. You already don't have a chin. Those sideburns are just like, it's almost like they're running down the side of your face and pointing to the fact you have no chin. Good move, Williams. And the hair gel? Who puts gel in their hair anymore?

Hello. And the way you stand, I don't like the way your shoulders slump. What are you doing, Williams? Stand up straight. And really, those pants with those shoes? Whoa. Right, but you're oblivious to all that stuff because you're you. You're just you, right?

And so it's weird. It's weird. You might be thinking your whole life you got everything right. You're just, oh, yeah, I'm me. everyone loves me I am what I am but would you change it if you knew and maybe it's better you don't know

and maybe there is nothing wrong but maybe there is and that's the big question kind of scary right and then here's the other big one what about the deeper you the inner you the

psychological you have you ever sat down and looked at that question that who am i who do i love who do i care about how angry do i get how happy do i get what am i doing in life am i contributing do i want to contribute am i generous am i greedy am i funny am i happy am i sad ah I think that one we do all the time. I think we're always in our heads analyzing ourselves psychologically. I think that's natural. That's probably par for the course. But that can get heady.

If you get too deep, sometimes you go into that too deep and you start questioning yourself. You know, you go, wait a minute, am I a generous person? And then you start comparing yourself to like AIDS workers in Africa and Mother Trisa and and soldiers. I'm like, but wait, I'm just an accountant. I'm just a guy who works at Subway. I'm just a guy who works at the car wash. I'm just an actor.

I'm just a comedian. What do we mean? How come I'm not over in Africa helping? How come I'm not giving away $20 billion the way Warren Buffett is? What's wrong with me? And that's what I mean. If you start over-analyzing all that stuff, you can drive yourself nuts

because you can never be equal or better than someone else you can just do what you're you do but you can always check in and see what's there and if you like it you like it if you don't you change it right but it's tricky stuff man it's a it's an interesting line to walk so uh you know i'm uh i'm like that michael jackson thing You know, it's like, I'm, I'm looking at the man in the mirror, that type of thing. Hi. What? What?

Hi. Who that? Roger. Hi, it's me. Roger, how? Oh, God. Hi. What is Michael Jackson doing here, Roger?

I'm doing a very insightful talk here to my fans and friends listening. I'm a friend. Come on, Jacko Hi I mentioned your name I heard you sing myself I'm looking for a man in a mirror It's special

Oh God, don't start With that With what? With your word you do all the time What? Special Oh, Roger What do you want, Jacko?

I didn't came in to say hi, and I didn't be there for a while. Maybe I could do some moonwalks around your studio. It's special. No, it's not special. I'm doing a topic here. Yes, I referenced your thing about looking in the mirror and asking who you are. I'm Michael Jackson, and I'm special.

Okay, out. I need you out. Oh, I'm out. You better believe I'm out. What's that mean? What do you mean? I mean, get out of my studio. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's what I meant, too. When I said get out. Yes. You thought I meant something else? No. Like coming out? No. You're not coming out, are you?

I'm special. Okay, get out. Can I moonwalk first? Oh, God, do you have to? Just a couple of laps. All right, moon... Roger? Special.

I know it's special. All right, do your moonwalk around the studio, and don't knock anything over. Okay, special. Can I get some music, please? Yeah, give him some music, Roger. Oh, that's special. Okay. All right.

There you go. It's special. I know it's special. I know. Watch out for that. Oh, God, watch out for that crystal vase that Queen Elizabeth sent me. Oh! Oh, you idiot.

Get out of here. Open the door. Get out. Moonwalk. You know what? I'm going to open the window. What are you moonwalk? walk right out the window here this way back up here you go here you go right out the window

there you go special hope you're happy roger let jack go in here i'm doing a serious topic ridiculous anyway there you go Go take a look at yourself and don't fall out any windows. And for God's sake, turn off that damn music, Roger. Turn it off. Thank you. Turn it off. God.

How does that freak keep finding my studio? How, how, how? Good Lord. Oh, all right. Well, you know what? That's not a great way to end the podcast, but what can I do? I opened the window. We got rid of them. There's not much else I can do, folks. The guy breaks my crystal vase from Queen Elizabeth that I keep in the studio.

I mean, where else would you keep a crystal vase from Queen Elizabeth, but in your studio, right? Oh, well anyways, hey, thanks for being here today. Hope you had a jolly old time. Tell your friends and families, because I know most of you have many families about the Harland Highway. We want to get everyone on here.

We want to cause a traffic jam. And don't forget, you can write me at Harlowilliams. You can check out our store at Harlowyms.com. Lots of fun merchandise there. for you folks um you can pick us up on stitcher stitcher radio is a free app you can get it on your cell phone and then you can have the harland highway with you wherever you go and uh if you want to see the kid live and i'm the kid okay no i'm not telling you how old i am i'm the kid uh i will be doing stand-up in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, April 27th, 28th, and 29th.

Great club, great venue, great shows. And I hope we see you out there in the pit, as they call it. Not a flattering name. I mean, when I hear the pit, I think of an armpit, don't you? It's like there's no town called the crack or the hole or the arse. you know so maybe they got to come up with a you know i'd rather say the burg how about the burg i'm going to be in the burg not the pit the pit sounds like ugh who like who wants to be in a pit i want to be in the berg is where i want to be i want to be in the iceberg because ice is

cool and all right enough what am i the spokesmodel for pittsburg now please come to pittsburg let us make you some french fries um so that's it uh hope you had a good good great time and uh we'll catch you next time right here on the harland highway and until then my friends as always chicken chalman baby