The Harland Highway - 387: GEORGE MICHAEL FROM WHAM, SENIOR FUENTES

Episode Date: April 9, 2012

Singer George Michael calls the show, Spam, monsters on the loose, creating a sleep button, a very special birthday, Senior Fuentes drops by for a visit. Chew your gum bum!!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the Harland Highway. It's me, Harland Williams, your host, and glad to have you here. What a treat. What a chocolatey, gooey, gooey treat. No meaning. Welcome, everybody. Don't fall asleep. You're on the Harlan Highway.

Here we go. Maybe we'll fall asleep. Maybe you have a sleep button. Wouldn't it be nice to have a sleep button? and we're going to talk about that. Yeah. And how about a special birthday shout out today? Yeah, we got a really special birthday.

Somebody's 100 years old today. Maybe you hear who it is. It's somebody you know and somebody you love. Somebody that's been part of your life and very close to you. Also, spam. We're going to be talking about spam today. You ever eat and spam? Not this kind.

Maybe you have. And monsters. Oh, we're going to talk about the upside of monsters. And then a couple of interesting guests calling in today. One of them's British and one of them's Spanish. I find both of them a bit annoying. Maybe you don't. They've been here before.

They call in a lot. You're going to find out right here on the Harlan. Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway Relax Get ready to have fun What we've got here

is failure to communicate One Keithburger With everything Coming up You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway Look at me Damien It's all for you

This is Harland Williams I'm a human being God damn it Mommy, what's for lunch? Spam, Billy. Spam. I hate spam. Well, you're going to eat it anyways, you little brat. Oh, remember spam?

Remember when you hit about 16 or 17 and you knew you were old enough to start making your own decisions? And you had a little money in your pocket and you could go to fast food. You never had to see spam again. You thought you were through the spam window. baby but then you got a computer and bang the spam is back and it's worse than ever

before used to have to attempt to eat it now it gets shoved down your throat every time you open your email spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam. It's like that little kid from the Flintstones bam bam bam bam this little brother spam spam spam spam spam I'd like to club the guys who spam me over the head man

I don't want to refy my house, dude. Okay? I don't want to know where the next big Hollywood party is, all right? I don't want a nine-foot penis. Okay? Stop sending me all this crap. It's all BS. Spam.

To get those emails for the giant penis and larger pills, take these pills and add nine inches. And then you get one from another company. Take these pills and get 14. inches. I tell you what, man, I'm tempted to take all the pills, grow the biggest you know what in the planet. I'm talking the size of a redwood tree, a giant redwood tree. I'm going to grow a timber so big, Paul Bunyan couldn't cut through it. And I'm going to find the buildings where these idiots work, and I'm going to start go-go dancing and swinging my timber and knock their

buildings down. Hey, thanks for the spam. Looks like your enlargement pills worked. Crunch, crash, smash. Be like Godzilla coming through and stepping on houses. I'm Timberzilla. There's your spam. Fry it up and stuff it right down your throat, you freaks. Get off my computer. I wish there really was monsters.

Don't you? Don't you wish there really was like Godzilla's. and Mothra's and King Kongs. And they just had their eyes on the city. You know, I think it would be healthy. You know how in nature, you know how in nature every season, lightning burns the forest down, and lightning sets off the great grass plains of Africa?

And, you know, rock slides alter the face. of the mountain and earthquakes open up the ground and rain floods and washes away and replenishes everything, right? And every time you watch a nature special, they're like, although it may seem harsh, the burning of the plains opens the door to fresh new life and rejuvenates the ecosystem, bringing fresh foliage and fresh fauna to the region, right? They tote all the assets of these disasters. And yet in the cities, in our cities and towns where we live, take a look around.

How old is your city and town starting to look, right? How old are the buildings? Let's say you grew up in a town or a city, city. Or let's say you moved away and you go back and you go, God, this airport, this airport hasn't changed in 35 years. I'm really sick of this airport. I mean, I guess they really can't rebuild it. It would probably cost, you know, $80 billion. So I guess I'm stuck with this horrible airport. I don't like the pain. I don't like the tiles. Oh. Or you drive down your old neighbor. Well, there's that old department building,

that ugly old apartment building with the rusty balconies and the foil on the windows and, ugh, what an eyesore. Oh, well, I guess that's going to be there another 60 years, right? And maybe it's even something more simple like the intersection, the road, the way the road goes, the way the road curves, the mini mall on the corner, the power lines, the bus stop. All of it. I'm sure there's stuff where you're just like,

oh, I wish they'd redesign that. Oh, I wish they'd just tear that down and drop that building to the ground and put up something more modern. Well, hello, everybody. Enter the monsters. Okay, would it hurt us? If every, like, three years,

a Godzilla or a King Kong or some kind of giant mothra or something came in, and just leveled the place. You're like, oh no, the mini mall. Watch out. Oh, wait a minute. Godzilla, over here. Over here, yeah.

I hate this mini mall. Here, boy, here. You could be throwing, like, pieces of cheese. You could be throwing breadcrumbs and cheeseburgers and, you know, spare ribs here. Come on, boy. Crush this building. Come on. right and these monsters come in and they level the place and then guess what well i guess we have to

rebuild well what should we rebuild with i don't know why don't we use the same materials from the 1950s and 60s well why would we do that when we have brand new materials that are modern and look better and are more uh more in fashion well i never thought of that lucky godzilla squished that building and now we can erect something that's actually in keeping with modern times. So there you go, man. It's like, I don't know if you own a house or an apartment, but you ever have some kind of damage, like smoke damage or a pipe breaks and water damage. This happened in my house about, I don't know, five years ago. I had a water pipe break and it flooded my bathroom. My bathroom was completely drenched and the water went out into my bedroom and you know my bathroom was

my bathroom my bedroom but all of a sudden the insurance guys come in and like wow this stuff's really effed up guess what you're going to have to rip it up and here's 40 grand put in a new bathroom and a new bedroom floor and I was like wow okay and I went to take town, man. And guess what I did? I put it in with updated materials. I put it in with updated design styles. I put it up with the updated painting and, you know, all kinds of stuff. New hardware, new sinks, new faucets, new towel racks, new toilets, new tile. And guess what? All the stuff that had already been in there from 25 years ago that was dated and old and looked like ass was gone. It was in a dumpster somewhere, forgotten.

Okay? And that was a good thing. But what's getting left behind are cities, man. I know every now and then, congratulations, cut the red tape. We put up a new high rise. Well, okay, you can put up a new high rise and you can build a new parking lot and do the odd building here and there, but it doesn't take away from the 99% of it. of other stuff that's like way out of date. So anyways, Godzilla, if you're listening, get your ass to Los Angeles, man.

And let's start remodeling. Feng Shui! You know what makes me jealous about my computer? It's got that sleep button on it. You know what I'm talking about. You don't want to shut your computer right down because you never know when you're going to have to jump on it in an emergency.

But it's got that sleep button. Oh. And your alarm clock has a snooze button. Oh. Oh, I wish we had a button, you know? Going to sleep is such a big ordeal. You got to get ready. You got to plan on it.

You got to brush your teeth. You got to wash your face. You got to put your jammies on. You got to get ready for bad. Why can't we just have a sleep button? Haven't they always said that our coxas, our tailbone, the coxas, is an unnecessary bone, we don't need it? So get rid of it. Put a sleep button in there, man.

You know, you'd just be standing on a bus, going to work, and pretend you're reaching down your beltline to scratch your butt a little, just hit that sleep button. No big build-up, just boom, you're out. Or at night. If you're stressed, you're tossing and turning, or your neighbors are making noise, the baby's crying, just grab the back of your butt. Shibbe, be, be, be, bee, bee, b, b, b, b, b, b. Suddenly, I'm turning into shemp from the three stooges, but you know what I mean. Don't move around in your seat too much, because I don't want you falling asleep with the wheel.

You know, you get all restless in your car. Oops. Man, I've been getting a lot of, a lot of emails lately and phone messages from people, and they're upset, man. People are starting to freak out about the rhetoric heating up between the United States and Iran and Israel. And, uh, you know, there's a lot of talk about, uh, about things that kind of getting out of control and getting weird and, uh, you know, it's scary. It's scary. What? Hold on. What the hell is this music, Roger? I'm in the middle of a topic. Who's on the phone? Oh, come on. No. No, no, don't put him through. I don't want to talk to him. Not the guy from Wham. Do not. Put him through, whatever you do. Hello, Holland. It's George Michael calling from the United Kingdom.

Oh, God. What's that mean, then? I didn't like that. Well, I'm doing a podcast, George. It's George Michael. Why aren't you ever getting right? He's George, and then it's Michael. You put him together, and you get George Michael. All right? All right, George, Michael. Relax. Well, it's hard to relax when you can't even say me name right.

Now, listen, I've been hearing your podcast. Okay. I'm all nervous now about the, all about the, what you're saying in the, the, what you got, the, the, the thing about Iran? Yeah, right, the nuclear proliferation here. Well, I don't know if that's the term. what proliferation do you even know what that means oh i think it's like cellulite isn't it oh god look i'm concerned because i live a lot closer to iran over here in the united kingdom right okay then you live to iran living over there in the united state of america i'm sorry what

the united state of america what are you saying i said you live have in the United States of America. That's what I said, Dimbleweed. All right, don't start calling me names. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order.

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That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back. Look, Arlen, what I want to propose is that we get together of all the forces of the United America and the United Kingdom. Yes, George.

It's George Michael. What the fuck is wrong with you? You've got a fucking Chinese school boy up your face. Okay, you know what? What I'm talking about Ireland is we've got to get together and bomb the living Christ out of Iran before they bomb the living Christ out of the United, England, and the United States of America. Okay, no one can understand you, George Michael. Oh, Louie, you getting me name right, Oliver's son. I can't handle the heat.

What do you mean can't handle the heat? I'm giving you a little bit of heat. It's like I dropped a nuclear George Michael bomb on your fucking house. Watch the language, George. George, Michael, you sweet and sour pork chop covered almond crust and cramp tank. All right, wow. No meaning whatsoever. Look, I think we've got to get together, the United Kingdom and the United States, and we've got to drop a nutty up on Iran. What?

We've got to drop a nuclear up on Iran. We've got to drop. a nuclear bomb on Iran. Is that what you're saying? That's what I said. You might want to take the wax out of you here and make a fucking candle and light it. Oh, brother, Roger.

Hang up on this guy. I'm not done yet. Now, listen, Holland. I want to stop all the proliferation of all the nuclear weapons and the nuclear bombs and uh... Would you wake up, you dumb, would you wake up, you dumbass?

Hey, what's that, what's that, Holland? Did you just fall asleep in the middle of my podcast? Well, it's not hard to do with you fucking grindy old boys. You're crangled up crunk of Crinkle Creek? What is a crangled up crunk of Crinkle Creek? Look, Ollie, what are we talking about? It doesn't matter. Get the hell off my calling me up about a big important topic.

The nuclear tension in the Middle East and Israel, millions of lives at stake, and the United States are getting pulled into the middle of it, This could lead to World War III, and you're falling asleep in the middle of my podcast. Get him up. Roger, get him off. Wake up, you idiot. What a noisy bastard? Why, you just have sex through the wall, all of you, you dirty, pervert. Shut up, George. It's George Michael, you for...

Wake him up and hang up on him, Roger. Don't hang up on me, Holland. I just had a wonderful wet dream. Hang up on him. Hang up! Man, I'm idiot! Roger, never again. What is wrong with you?

I'm sorry, Harland. Always putting that idiot through. It's driving me nuts. Hey! Up! We're going to have a good time. Oh, yeah, it's a birthday. It's a birthday, everybody, and you'll never guess whose birthday it is, okay?

It's not a person. It is a thing, and it's a thing that you've had inside your body. That sounds really wrong, but it's the Oreo cookie birthday. birthday. Okay, it's a hundred years old. Can you believe it? The Oreo cookie is a hundred years old. A cookie older than most people. That is just bizarre. Uh, so, you know, obviously the Oreo cookie was created in 1912. Wow. I'll be honest. I did not think. that that type of food existed a hundred years ago. You know, if you want to classify the Oreo as kind of like sugary

and kind of junk food, snack food, I didn't think that had started yet. I thought that stuff came around in like the late 50s, the early 60s, 1912. Are you kidding? Wasn't Abraham Lincoln around back in 1912? Can you imagine Abraham Lincoln? eating a cookie, an Oreo cookie.

So that's pretty wild. You know, I didn't think, I thought back then they just ate stuff they could grow on the land. You know, peas and cucumbers, cabbage, corn. All of a sudden there's an Oreo cookie there? What? So, I guess it's considered the best-selling cookie in the entire world. Can you guess how many Oreo cookies have been sold? I mean, some have probably been sold just now while we were talking,

but a roundhouse number, 491 billion cookies. What? Wow. only like 7 billion people on the planet. And you've got to figure back in the day in 100 years ago, there's probably not even half that. So take 7 billion and then say 491 billion. Excuse me, how many Oreos have you packed in?

I think we've all done our share, man. I think we've all helped that number climb to where it is. you do the math 7 billion next to 491 billion uh-huh let's do the math I bet it's safe to say that in my life

I've probably eaten I bet in my lifetime I've eaten 100 maybe 200 Oreos over the course of my life that might be high You know, I don't really love Oreos that much. So I would say, okay, honestly, I would say somewhere between probably 75 and 300 Oreos, probably in my life.

That would be a pretty accurate guess, I would think. I could be wrong. I might be forgetting, you know, one day when I was eight years old and no one was around and I found a bag of Oreos in the house and I just, and my whole family, like, what happened to the Oreos? I'm like, I don't know.

I'm going to be sick. It looks like they were invented in New York. They don't really know what the name means, Oreo. They just thought it had a nice sound to it, but they really, from what I've read about it, They really don't know what the origin of the name is. And, you know, the big question on everyone's mind is, what is that gooey white stuff in the middle?

And I don't know. I guess you'd have to look it up. I think it's lard or vegetable cream or oil or dehydronated, gluteus, maximus, fibricated, lyridium, sodium, chroglym. Lidomlite is what I think it is with a little sprinkle of ribisotide flora chlottomit. Chlamydia. What?

I don't know what it is. It's just good. But I'm not one of these people. Are you one of these people that get the Oreo and you peel it open and you like lick the cream? You know what? I got to stop myself. I used to do that when I was a kid. I wasn't big on it, but every now and then, I'd peel the Oreo open and lick the cream.

But I'm not one of those junkies where I just like, oh, I got to lick that cream. And I'm not one of those double stuff Oreo guys. Remember when all of a sudden they're like, well, America isn't getting enough lard in their Oreo. Let's make it double stuff. And they came out with that Oreo that had like triple the cream in the middle. This is like, oh, God. And trust me, I like my junk food of my sugary treats. But even that was too much for old Papa Bear here.

Oh, yeah. So there you go. A happy birthday to a cookie. A hundred years old. Been part of our lives, most of our lives. And maybe celebrate by going out. and buy it yourself a bag of Oreo cookies. How about that? Happy 100.

Oreo. Oh, boy. You got to love cable news. I don't know if you watch a lot of cable news or not. I don't know what your source for news is. Maybe it's this podcast, hopefully. But some of the stories they cover on cable news, they're just, it just feels like they stretch them out for so long, and you're like, come on, what kind of reporting is this? Case in fact, I'm watching the news the other day, and this story comes on about the... What? No!

No! Oh, come on, guys. What are you doing here, Fuentes? God, I'm doing a podcast. What are you doing here, Signor Fuentes? And, Signor, Fentz. I know who you are, for God's sakes. You're my gardener.

You've been working for me for years. That's right, Signor, but today I had to take the day off. Why did you take the day off? And why are you here telling me this? I'm doing a podcast. I sprained my wrist, senor. Oh, well, I'm sorry. Yes, it's in much pain, senor.

I sprained it really bad. Well, I'm sorry to hear that. How did you sprain your wrist, senor, Fentes? Pulling your vine, senor. Excuse me? I sprained my wrist pulling on your vine. I grabbed your vine and I tugged it and I pulled it very hard and long. Okay, enough.

No, signor, I'm not finished. was tugging and tugging and pulling on your vine what are you talking about well you told me to pull the vine off your house signor yes well i did i pulled your vine all right stop saying you pulled my vine well that's what i pulled it for a very long time i had it wrapped around my wrist and i was tugging it and tugging it and tugging it till finally i got it off what are you saying i I'm saying I got your vine off, signor. Don't say you got my vine off. Well, I didn't get it off, signor, off the side of your house.

Well, then say that. I don't want my listeners tuning in, and you're telling them you got my vine off. It took me a while. I know you told me it took a while. I have to say, signor, you have a very long vine. All right, knock it off. Your vine went all over the place, Signor. Stop it.

I'm just trying to tell you, your vine went in many holes. My vine did not go in many holes. Well, yes, it did, senor. Your vine went into the drainpipe hole. Okay. Your vine went in the chimney hole. All right.

Your vine went in the sewer hole. All right. Do you have to be in here? Can you just get out of here and be happy with that? Yes, senor, I guess so. All right, get out. I also chip my tooth, signor. What?

As well as spraining my wrist, pulling and tugging on your vine and pulling your vine out of the holes. Yes. I chipped my tooth. How did you chip your tooth? Your vine was so thick I had to bite through your vine. signor get out of here I had to bite right through your vine get out I'll see you later senor yes get out I don't know if you're aware of this signor but there were

ants crawling all up and down your vine hundreds of ants right up and down your vine get out god that guy is twisted the hell it's so hard to get good health these days. Unreal. Well, that brings us to the end of the show. Maybe I'll go get a vine and hang myself. Hey, it's long enough. That wouldn't be a problem, signor.

Get out! God! Roger, keep him out. He's my gardener. All right. Here we go. April 26th. uh no april 27 28th and 29th you can catch me in pittsburgh pennsylvania at the improv i'm all flustered um and uh you can go to improv.com to get tickets uh for that stand-up event

and uh you can reach me at 323 739 43330 if you want to leave a message you can write to harlem williams if you want uh we also have a great uh web store there for you to peruse and don't forget stitcher radio lets you download the harland highway right to your cell phone um awesome very awesome and uh and that's it that is it folks thanks for joining uh tell your friends to get on this ride the harland highway because they're missing out if they don't. I mean, who else does bits where they let their gardener come into their studio and pull their vine? God.

You know what, forget it. Don't tell anybody about this. Ridiculous. I'm ashamed. But that's not going to stop me from saying, until next time, everybody. Have a great one. And chicken, chow bean, baby.

Oh, oh, oh, my best friend and an Oreo cookie. She loves the crunchy chocolate. I like the creamy little. Been eating them this way since we were very little. We'll always be friends with OREO. Friends are better when you pair them. Oreos are better when you share them. Oreo cookies, share them.

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